The Johnny Salami Podcast - Roey Rozen

Episode Date: January 31, 2024

Roey Rozen by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Oh bro I'm hurting. Sometimes I can be loud. Oh, you're a loud talker? Sometimes. Oh, all right. Just depends on how passionate you're feeling.

Yeah, no, I don't know. because sometimes i'm exploding with loudness and then but then sometimes i encounter men like you men built of stone oh so you're you're matching energy i have no idea something literally you could just say like donuts and i'd probably be like oh fuck i love yeah damn sometimes i explode at any moment it gets me excited, though, dude, when I'm around someone who's, like, also excited. It just makes me feel like they care, dude. No, I do care, but how do you, do you have emotions? Like, what's your?

Yeah, I think I'm a little too emotional, man. Really? Yeah. Just like. No, man. Like low key. Whenever I say I'm emotional, people always laugh, dude.

And it's like, it's kind of upsetting, man. No, I believe that. No, it's being serious. Like I'm actually,

you know, I cried a decent amount. Really? Yeah. When was the last time you cried? Uh, probably like a month ago. I cried to the song stairway to heaven.

That's so baller. Yeah. That's so awesome. Yeah. Shit like that makes me cry the solo or the lyrics or the once the solo hit dude i fucking oh i lost it man oh it's so tasty it's too tasty oh man the licks yeah something about classic rock man just gets me emotional dude it's it's almost like music from god i fit do you ever feel like you like you should have lived in that generation no i would be dead real oh yeah yeah i'd be so you went to like woodstock or something yeah dude

if i went to woodstock it'd be game over what do you think you'd be doing i don't know i just have like this policy about like music festivals it's the reason i stopped going but when i'm at a music festival i won't say no to any hot girl okay ever and like that's gotten me in trouble say no isn't like she's like suck on my titties and you're like that's never happened I don't know what kind of fantasy life you think I am well wait so who's saying who's saying no in the situation oh Oh, man. I mean, like, there was one time there was this one girl. I was in the middle of a crowd. I was like 18.

I was at Governor's Ball or Panera. I think it was Governor's Ball. Okay. And this woman in the middle of the crowd just tells me to open my mouth at Cage the Elephant. And then, yeah, no, next thing you know, I'm like tripping sack. Like she just puts acid in my mouth. I've never even read about acid. I was a very prude child.

I was very like no drugs, no alcohol, nothing. That all came later. But like it was so bad. I don't know if you've ever been on acid, but you should at least know what you're getting into a little bit. It's not something you should. Yeah. It's not like a casual, uh, you know, no, you kind of have to like prepare yourself

mentally for the idea of like not feeling time or like, you know what I mean? Cause then all of a sudden you stop feeling time and then you like walk from one place to another place and it's like 15 feet, but it feels like it's been like an hour. And that's, that's why you called it. You just retired after that. Well, I called what music festivals. Yeah. Like you're not going anymore. Oh, it's just, it's so, it's just like a, like a pig pen for adults to get really fucked up. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, man.

I've been like not lucky as far as going to those. Why? I think the last concert I went to, man, was a country concert. That's fire. I wasn't even like a big country fan. Country's fire. I was kind of like, you know, I had like a little toe in the water, you know? Yeah. Who was it? It was kind of like, you know, I had like a little toe in the water, you know? Yeah. Who was it?

It was a Florida Georgia line. That's so hack. I know. Actually, no, dude, it was, it was Zach Brown band. Oh, same thing, dude. Same thing. It's still hack, but fuck, what's that one song they have about colder weather? Not a colder weather.

I think I only knew one song. I've cried to a Zac Brown band song. Oh, all right. Yeah, but I remember I snuck in. Damn. Yeah, I was ripping tequila in the parking lot. And, dude, I had a torn MCL. I had a knee brace on and everything. And my buddy was let's get it and he just starts sprinting and i was like what the fuck dude

so i start running with him you know and i'm like dude i couldn't feel anything yeah but i have a legitimate like torn mcl dude so i'm like limping after him and he's like we gotta fucking we gotta go now like we have to go and i had to rip through this fence and i ended up getting caught dude like blood squirting everywhere and then i just remember i remember jumping through this bush and we were just in the back of the concert and i was like dude this is it was one of the best moments of my life but i wiped the blood off and i just kept it dude and then uh we found some people that uh he knew and uh one of them i knew this girl yeah and i uh told my buddy i was like dude whatever happens tonight

man just like don't let me like hook up with this chick because she kind of looks like a man and next thing you know we're making out my friend was right next to me dude and he was like he was like trying to pull me away he was like dude stop and i was like i'm doing it it's too late man i think it's so fun i think it's very because i think it's very funny imagining you in any sort of exciting situation because it's like yeah it's like johnny come on we have to hop the fence yeah okay i'm on my way no if you saw me intoxicated you you'd be like, holy shit. Your brain would probably blow off.

Are you like a... Complete opposite. Like a Buffalo Bills fan. I'm just, I'm pouncing around, dude. I'm ready to go, man. That's crazy. Feeling dangerous, bro. That's so awesome.

That's what makes me sad, though, is people are like, oh, I wish you were like this all the time. No, no. I appreciate monotone johnny mono john okay mono john actually sounds much grosser than what i intended yeah at least i'm not you know it's not fake dude you know what i mean like i'm not you ever see people who like are happy all the time it's like there's no way man yeah yeah that's that's upsetting no i, yeah, people think I'm fake a lot, but I'm just fucking so happy to be here, you know? Wait, what do they think? Like, they think you're not actually, like, as happy as you are? Yeah, because they're like, you're a goober, you know? It's like, you can't be as happy as you are.

And I'm like, I'm not. That's just who you are. It's just who I am. You're being you. I'm just a goobin. Do you ever feel like sometimes you're not being yourself? Oof. Yeah.

Yeah. Whenever I'm around, like, my girlfriend's family or, like, just any time that I have to, like, behave and be, like, a mild-mannered person. You start sweating a little bit? So much. Oh, dude bit it's so much i have terrible manners i'm like really yeah i'm like a very speak my mind do they know you're retarded or no i try to explain to people i tell them like i'm not retarded but i'm like so learning disabled that i'm pretty much retarded i think you said you were a teacher's assistant

yeah i'm a teacher's assistant. Yeah, I'm a teacher's assistant. Like special needs or something? No. No. No, I went back to school. I'm trying to finish that school. So, Kurt, I didn't finish school.

I took a bunch of years off, whatever. And then I've just been working service jobs. And I'll just get my nuts stepped on by bosses and by schedules and all that shit. And then one day I woke up and I'm like, yo, I'm a Jewish man. Why am I living like a Latino person? Damn. You know what I mean? Yeah.

With all due respect to the Latino community. You think people are looking down on you now in the Jewish community? They're like, this guy's giving us a bad rap. Dude, to be honest, sometimes I feel that way. I feel like the Jews, they do look down on me. But I also, I similarly, I don't know. That's because I speak about, a lot of people think I'm anti-Semitic the way that I speak about Jews, but I'm actually not.

It comes from a deep admiration of my own people. Oh, wow. Like, I call Jewish people wizards all the time. Are they kind of wizards? They're literally, yes, Johnny. Why do you think they're wizards? Before I give my Jewish opinion. Small population, Big noses.

Unknown facts. Unknown facts. Three solid points right there, dude. You know? That's the definition of a wizard. Dude, think about this, right? That's Harry Potter type shit, dude. Let me tell you about this.

You've been made to believe that wizard hats are pointy and conical. What if I told you they were small and round? I wouldn't be surprised I wouldn't tell anyone either Jewish people have two curly wands on each side of their head, man That we use No, but actually I do think that Dude, it's crazy I was reading

I read a lot about like uh judaism and like mystical stuff and uh so apparently there's this thing that we believe in called um okay so we believe in this magic giant worm okay it's a jewish worm okay his name is the shamir okay and you need to find the worm in order to bring the Messiah back and the way that you find the worm is that you have to summon a demon named Ashmedai and then you have to tie him up with a magical rope

I mean a magical chain and then you have to get him drunk and you have to be like where's the fucking worm and then he's gonna be like and then he's like oh it's over here and then you have to find the worm and that's how gonna be like and then he's like oh it's over here and then you have to find the worm and that's how you bring the messiah back according to judaism can i ask you something yeah what if you went in the temple and you screamed i found the worm and then you pulled

your pants down like would they would they laugh That's a great question. I don't think they would laugh, but I would laugh. Are they pretty serious in temple? Did you do the whole Bible? It really depends. I'm like an outsider guy. I really wasn't raised in Judaism, and just now I'm going back, and I'm like, yo guy. I really wasn't raised in Judaism. And just like now, I'm going back and I'm like, yo, this shit is wild.

You went to Hebrew school though, right? Like in preschool. You know what I mean? Oh, really? Yeah, in preschool. Where did you get your bat mitzvah? I got my bar mitzvah. I got it in Yisrael.

Wait, is it bar mitzvah or bat mitzvah? Bat is for girls and bar is for boys. Wow. Dude, I didn't even know that. Yeah, dude. Dude, I'm educating you now. Holy shit. Wait, wait, wait.

Before I get on the bar mitzvah, dude, I fucking, here's what's so crazy about that worm, bro, is that I like read about it and I was like, oh, Jewish people are, we're crazy. Like, does anyone even know about this? And I like went, I asked like everyone in my life that's Jewish. I was like, like my mom, my therapist, like my rabbi, like my old one, like from, from school, I like DM'd a bunch of people. I was like, yo, do you know about this worm? You know what I mean?

And then everyone was like, oh yeah, the Shamir. And I was like, you know, his name Like, mom? You know the Jew worm name? Mm-hmm. Sorry, I've been very obsessed with this worm. No, this is new stuff, man. Yeah, dude. No one knows about the Jew worm. You're teaching me about the way of the Jews, man.

Ask any guy with a yarmulke about the Shamir, and they'll be like, oh, yes, the worm that you need for the Messiah to come back. It's weird, man, because all religions are kind of crazy. Yes. And at the end of the day, it kind of feels like you just end up talking to another dude about tits or something. Dude, I know. Like at the end of the day.

At the end of the day, I think that's what unites everyone. Yeah. Are you tits or ass? I'm a big tits guy, but I don't even know anymore, man. What happened? I don't know, dude. Dude, I fainted last week yeah it was wild man it was uh i was in my car dude i was listening to tracy chapman dude fast car you know that song no how does it go sing it for me i can't do it

it'll be disrespectful to her. If you want to see a good video, though, man, she sang at Wembley Stadium. Ooh, in England? Yeah, but there's a video on YouTube of her. It's just like her live performance, and everyone was— they went to see—who's that blind guy? The black guy? Stevie Wonder? They went to see Stevie Wonder, and he couldn't make it,

and she ended up having to fill in for him, which is like a big. That's a huge. Yeah, that's a big job. But she crushed it, man. That's something I would probably cry to if I almost cried a little bit when I saw the live. I was like, fuck, man, that's. Damn. Yeah.

Because everyone went from like about to punch each other in the face to just like jerking each other off. Yo, that's fucking awesome. They're like, all through the yeah is she hot um she's like a beautiful black woman yeah okay and this has to do with you being a tits guy this traces back well dude i uh are you sick right now or no i'm recovering yeah same i'm in recovery i don't know man i just got sick for a week and it made me like kind of like uh grateful dude did you have a flu i don't know what i dude i i blacked out in my car like i i hit my head on the fucking steering wheel oh my god dude i drive back to the apartment and i'm fucking panicking i'm like dude am i dying right now dude so i knock on my roommate's door i'm like dude you got to take me to the hospital man like i'm like about to faint again and dude he brought me to the er and i'm like oh shit dude i got diabetes or something like

i have diabetes it's a crazy conclusion dude so i ended up getting like uh an iv or whatever and they were like all right man dude they gave me like an ekg and shit like yeah and uh dude it was all just like my blood work like i'm just severely dehydrated oh that's how retarded i am yeah so you weren't even sick sick you were just dehydrated yeah my body just was like fuck dude like we cannot operate right now like yeah dude you need water yeah and that's you know man but i was sick too and uh yeah man just not being able to do anything made me, like, kind of grow. I was like, damn, dude, like, I'm grateful for, like, being able to, you know. I had a 102 fever Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

Like, three days in a row, 102 fevers, just dying in bed. It just— The fever's the worst, like, when you get those aches, dude. Yeah, and then my last night in fever, I couldn't sleep. I'm just sitting there. It just Fever's the worst Like when you get those aches dude Yeah And then And then That my last night in fever I couldn't sleep I'm just sitting there

I have like a mask over my eyes So I I'm just trying to sleep And all I could think about was Bro if you live to see another day You need to call your grandma Every single day Yeah

And you know what I did? What'd you do man? I didn't call my grandma for another i might do it tomorrow yeah yeah but um were you resting the whole time or did you do anything like you take i went and i performed stand-up comedy with like a one everyone's sick yeah so i was like no i have to do my hol Holocaust jokes. I was too sick to even do that, man. Yeah. Well, you've put my, it's crazy.

You went in the ER. My girlfriend went in the ER. She fainted, went in the ER like this weekend. Really? Yeah. A lot of people were like fainting too. Like a dude. It's crazy.

Vaccine. No, I'm just kidding. Yeah. But, but, uh, no, everyone's like dying right now. I don don't know i don't know what's happening i told people i fainted they were like yeah dude i know like three other people who have fainted and i was like damn dude maybe something's going around like uh but yeah dude when i can't do things like you know go outside go to the gym and stuff i just start freaking out man you know yeah dude you're just sitting in your bed like you start to smell like

nuts like i can i could smell my own nuts dude and you're like and you're like i can't do this anymore i can't smell my own nuts what do your nuts smell like uh probably just like old cheese dude you gotta use that antifungal soap, man. That shit changes everything. Well, I mean, dude, when I, yeah, I mean, I'm trying to take care of that. Like I usually do take care of that. But when I was sick, I was like, I'm not taking a shower. Like I'm sick of that.

Dude, I'm so scared of losing my sense of smell. Yeah, very scary. Especially like when I wipe my ass dude because i wear like big polos and they kind of like cover my ass so i gotta like pull it up when i take a shit dude yeah if i can't smell dude you know i could have a skid mark back there oh that would be oh dude imagine that mark on that shirt oh man oh dude imagine someone's seen that from behind dude and i just don't know because I can't smell. Dude.

It could, dude, it could be brutal. It could be like shit, like legit pounds of shit on my back. I feel like you could probably see it or, you know what I mean? Well, I can't see my own ass, you know? Someone would definitely point it out. Hey, I think you sat in some chili. You know what i mean like dude if i had a skid mark on my fucking back dude and someone pointed it out i would just start making sounds dude just waving my arms everywhere just pretend to be retarded yeah it's a false flag

retarded there's no way i'm i'm being like oh thank you you have to be like just fucking punch myself in the fucking face dude dude i fucking dude i sharted last night i can't lie i sharted just like casually in front of my girlfriend yeah wow i was just um because i'm on this medication, because ever since I had the fevers, and it's giving me these terrible stomach pains. And I stood up, and I just exhaled, and that was it. What did you think was going to happen? Was it going to be a fart? I thought it was literally just going to be one of those tiny little, you know what I mean? The tiny, gentle, delicate.

I wasn't even like damn i'm about to rip ass you know i was like uh it was like a passive shit it was like a it was like a oh i got like a little i got like a little blossom coming my way you know and then and then i fucking farted and then yeah and then a whole bunch and then i had to act like i didn't shart. You know what I mean? Yeah. I just had to like walk, like shuffle and then walk. I was like, oh, I have a surprise. Did your girlfriend find out? Yeah. There's something about that, man.

That might be like a little like. Well, it was between, it was between her being like, okay, you're like calling another girl or me being like, okay, I shit myself. Well, I was going to say like, that's gotta be kind of like a good feeling to tell your girlfriend that you shit your pants. Like she,

she cleans you up and stuff. She just licks me clean, man. Yeah. That'd be like a good test of like your relationship, you know? Dude, my,

my roommate, I just found out that she ate her boyfriend's ass and i have not let her hear the end of it dude she opened like she told you i'm a menace well she drunkenly was like oh my god it's so crazy last night i just flipped him over and wow wow dude which is so funny because first of all beta move by that guy the guy or her he got his ass ate yeah that is that's beta man i mean if yeah you can't say no man you know yes you can say no i don't think you can't i think that would be the end of the relationship if she's like let me eat your ass and you're like Yeah. I used to think I would say no, but I don't think I would.

Really? Yeah. I mean, like, because the after effect of, you know, the trauma involved afterwards, like, she's going to pay for that herself. Like, I'm not going to, you know, I might be a part of that. But you're not going to be traumatized a little bit? I don't know, man. have you even had a finger in there no no one's ever been going over there dude it's like the uh

my ass is like the everglades dude it's the everglades don't fuck with it man don't fuck with it yeah once you get once you go in you're not coming back out you're not coming out once you go to salami's ass I don't know If I was intoxicated I don't think I would care that much If I was sober I think right afterwards

I would commit suicide Commit sip-poo-poo Rightfully so I definitely would kill my i can't i can't at all i can't i can't i really can't i i the only two but experience i've ever had one of them was i fell asleep in a in a bathtub it wasn't a hot tub yeah and i felt i turned over on my side and then my and then my butt like lined up with the water jet, you know?

And then, and then I fell asleep. And then as I was asleep for an undesignated amount of time, I was just like pumped full of water, like a water balloon. Yeah. And then I woke up like pregnant. Wow. Like with water. This was at like the gym or something?

No, this is in my parents' bathroom. This is in my parents' bathroom when I was 16. Oh, this is like a bathtub. Yeah. Oh, okay. This is my parents'. Because I used to do that at the gym. I used to put my, I would spread my ass cheeks and I would put it in the jet, dude, just to

get it all. Dude, it felt so good, man. Just to clean it out? Dude, that's's but it didn't but it didn't penetrate dude there was like you dog this is like a legitimate uh like uh you know pool like a fucking not like a pool but um like a swimming pool like uh what do they even call them like a jet uh a jacuzzi jacuzzi. But there was powerful jets, dude.

Just fucking... It was like a hot tub. It's like a colonic. Yeah. Is that what that is? All the dudes in there, they would just put their ass up against the jet, man, and just let it happen. You were all just getting your ass blown out. Dude, one guy would hold on to the railings,

and he would bend over in front of you and just let the jet hit him. Dude, if he was doing that, you couldn't get out of the fucking hot tub. He's just... Guy was like 75. He had nothing to lose, man. No, you have nothing to lose when you're 75. They don't care, man. And his fucking ass muscles are so fucking loose at that point.

Yeah, I mean, they're all doing gay shit. But it's not even gay, you know what I mean? When you're that old, it's not that gay. Dude, if you're 75 and you jerk off another dude, that's not gay. What is it? It's just experimenting. It's about experimenting being gay. It's experimenting with being gay.

No, you're too old, dude. You're too old to even, like, process what that means. Dude, if I saw a 75-year-old guy... I'm having an asthma attack. if i saw a 75 year old guy if you saw a 75 year old dude bang another 75 year old dude you'd be like damn it's gay yeah yeah i'd be like these are two old ass gay guys damn i don't know my mind would just be like yeah it's just like something new just you're just trying shit out man you know do that dude you're gonna be a wild ass old man for sure dude what do you think you're

gonna be like what else dude you don't bored they probably are man like you gotta try something out i can't even imagine dude and the prisons we them in, we fucking put old guys in prisons. Have you been to an old folks home? Yeah, it's pretty bad, yeah. It's grim. They're like, look, we have backgammon. Yeah, I mean, dude, like, kill yourself. Yeah.

It makes you think, man, like, do you even want to live to be that old? Like, dude, if I hit, like, 68, I'm probably even want to live to be that old like dude if i hit like 68 i'm probably just gonna listen to like the fray in a parking lot just fucking peel out dude if you're if you're like 72 and you're blowing donuts till you found me, man, just do a few hit and runs. Yeah, yeah. You're the fucking man, dude. Nah, just go out in the parking lot, leave the engine on, put on some Nora Jones. Leave the engine on.

You mean like in the garage? Yeah, in the garage. Yeah, and then put on some Nora Jones. Yeah. Would you be revving the engine on you mean like in the garage yeah in the garage yeah and then and you put on some nora jones and yeah would you be revving the engine does that make it you die faster no i just think it would be funny i'm gonna cruise my way into the afterlife i mean dude if you're like an 18 year old kid and you see a 75 year old dude do something random that's dude something you're gonna remember for the rest of your life like yeah if i was like 20 even if i was 20 and i saw an old guy peeling out in a public parking lot yeah oh man in like

a shitty car like an oldsmobile you can just like hear it breaking have you have you have you ever been um uh has any has an old woman ever made a move on you one dude not really like a like a milf or like a an elderly woman either i mean dude i went home for uh it was like the night before thanksgiving like a few years ago and my buddy was uh he was talking to this milf and he was like hey my buddy thinks you're like hot he just threw you under the bus and this woman like walked up to me and i thought it was like someone's mom and she just kissed me, dude. Like, dude, this was in front of like people I went to high school with. Like, and she was like, what's up, big boy?

Like, I looked at my friend, dude, and he was like in tears laughing. To this day, I don't even know who she is. Like, I don't know if that's someone. That could be someone's mom, dude. Was she hot? Yeah, dude. She was a MILF man damn yeah okay if it wasn't like a family meeting i would damn i would have taken her to damn my mom's house you

don't discriminate at all you take you to your mom's house yeah how about you dude you ever like gotten with a i've never gotten with one i turned i turned one down recently actually turned one down recently um where uh we were at a comedy show i was opening for uh for che durena at the stress factory in new jersey but i was opening for him i was i was hosting yeah and um this lady drove me there and i'm like this i'm like this dumb guy that's like very oblivious to things yeah like people will be trying to fuck me and i'll be like why is this person being so nice to me right now yeah so she like gave me a ride and i'm like what a nice lady gave you a ride yeah to the to the to the venue wow yeah and then and then uh and then the comic was on stage, Che, and he was crowdworking someone about porn.

Yeah. And then they were like, yeah, I like watching hentai, like anime porn where demons force themselves onto women. And then everyone in the crowd was like, what the fuck? Yeah. Like, what the hell is wrong with this guy? And I go to the lady that drove me, I go, yo yo are you hearing what this guy's saying right now yeah and she's like you're not into that kind of thing and i was like no then she was like what about older women you ever watch porn with older women wow and. And then I go, oh, I just jerk off on Instagram.

I need to take a shit. And then I ran in the bathroom and I hid for 20 minutes. Damn, dude. You had a shot, man. I did have a shot. You had a layup. I had a layup. You think that was her husband, though?

No, no, no, no. That was not her husband. I don't know if she has a husband. I, oh, man. and then she asked me to do my show dude was she how how uh was she looking she's pretty she's pretty i wouldn't though i'm like um i'm like uh deep down you're like too good of a guy to... Well, I have a girlfriend, man. That's no excuse, man. This is why you're the man, Johnny.

This is why I'm a loser and you're the man. You think if you told your girlfriend you hooked up with a MILF, she'd be like... Angry? Yeah. If you want to be honest you want to be honest i feel like she's the kind of girl that'd be like i forgive you really wow and i'd be like what you know what if uh what if she hooked up with like uh an older man oh i would be so sad really i'd be so sad Yeah I know I know in my heart

That if my girlfriend ever hooks up With anyone other than me It will be a black eye And it will be the end of us Just because you can't compete with that I can't Yeah I can't

Every time Every time I think about Like if my girlfriend and I Are ever in a fight We've been together for like years now Yeah If we've ever, ever, ever Get into a fight

And I'm like Oh, should I leave her? fight we've been together for like years now yeah if we've ever ever ever get into a fight um and i'm like oh should i leave her i think about like a huge like six four black guy just piping her into the dirt and then i go i love you so much babe yeah i used to think about that sometimes not good thoughts to have man no bad no you can't bad and even but i guess you gotta you gotta you'd be naive to not think about that yeah you would be like you gotta stay prepped you need to be you need to stay prepped because strapped man because because genuinely the worst will happen yeah you just gotta be ready man you gotta be ready for anything yeah i used to go to college with this dude who uh i think he was a little bit challenged um he used to give speeches man and you know we were kind of boys and stuff and he

would go up there and he'd start stuttering and like i'd be crying laughing but he was such a funny dude he was like he would like try to give a presentation he'd be like yeah the markets are like fucked he would just give up man like he would just but he uh we were uh we did this uh we were in this finance class together and i was talking to him and his phone kept like ringing during class and i was like what's good bro like you good man he's like yeah dude like he's like yeah i'm hooking up with this mom. He's like, I've been hooking up with her for like a year now. And I was just like, no way, dude.

Like, he was like, yeah, man. You know, like, I just go over there. She has kids. You know, I go to like the mom's house when the kids aren't there. And we just hook up. And that's it. And I was like, dude, you're the man. Like, that's sick.

We were in college, dude. Dude, that, yeah, he's a young, he's a young guy. You're just like, yeah, man, it's casual. Like, you know, we just, we just hook up. And then. You're, you're reminding me of a guy that I used to go to Bama. I went to Bama for two years. Yeah.

It was awesome. I was there when Tua brought home the national championship. Were you in like a fraternity? So that, so I couldn't afford to be in a regular fraternity because it's like $6,000 a year. It's like crazy. Shit, man. Yeah. And you're Jewish, dude.

And I'm Jewish. It's wild. So I got offered to start a chapter of a Jewish fraternity. Okay. You know AEPI? No, I do now, though. Yeah, it's the Jewish fraternity. And they were starting a chapter at Bama.

And I joined the Jewish fraternity, ironically, because it's cheaper. But everyone that joined, all the cool Jews went and joined this other Jewish fraternity, ZBT. So we got like all the leftovers. So we had like all the autistic Jews. Oh, wow. So it was like me, my two friends, and like a bunch of like autistic gremlins. And there was this one kid that gave speeches like that. His name was, oh, I can't dox him.

His name was Michael. can't dox him his name was michael the goat this kid and he he talked like this michael and and every election cycle every election cycle he would run for president um and he would go up so this is every semester he'd go up in front of everyone and he and everyone would up, and they'd give up their speech. Like George. George would be like, hey, I'm George. I was the president of debate team. I have this, that leadership experience.

I really care about Judaism. Vote for me. And then it's like, hey, my name's Sam. I was the president of Chabad. Vote for me. then michael dab and went up oh fuck i doxed him michael we'll put his linkedin yeah yeah yeah but but michael went up and then he'd go you know the greater scope of the universe none of this matters we're all but specks in space, just dust floating. That sounds like a familiar.

Dude, he was the man. He was the man. And he would go on a five-minute existential rant about how none of us are even real, and our hopes and aspirations mean nothing. And then he would lose. And then when you lose, they let you run for the next rung. So if you didn't get present, they'd let you run for vice president.

So then he'd run for vice president, and everyone would go, they'd give their speech, and then Michael would go up, and he would go, I've already said everything that's needed to have been said. Were you the only one who felt that way, or did you feel like everyone was kind of,

because it's a voting process, right? Yeah like yeah i voted for him i voted for michael some of the other boys just weren't on they weren't ready for it they were not ready they're not ready their third eyes were shut yeah yeah and then this kid this kid michael he was best friends with my with my roommate i had this autistic roommate that was like his best friend from high school. And they would get really high together. And then they'd watch. They would do crazy shit. Like one time I came home and they're watching Paul Blart, Mall Cop.

Yeah. But then they muted it. And then they put on Pink Floyd, The Wall. And then I like walk in and I go, what are you guys doing? And he goes, did you know that Paul Blart, Ball Cop, and Pink Floyd's, The Wall, thematically line up exactly? And then I go, no. And he goes, it's called Paul Blart, The Wall Cop. Dude.

It was baller, dude. It was so awesome. Yeah, dude. Autistic people are so, I think that they're evolved humans. I mean, dude, listening to Pink Floyd high is not a good idea, man. Why? What happened? I remember being in a car once and listening to Time by Pink Floyd.

Dude, I literally, it's just complete silence. It's me and another dude in the car. He plays, he's like, you guys are going to hear this, plays Time by Pink Floyd. Dude, four minutes in, I just go, how fucking fast are we going?

Dude, we were in the parking lot Of an insane asylum Dude we were stationary In the parking lot bro Of an insane asylum Like a mental hospital Yeah

Yeah So you weren't driving at all No But you just go out fast And we go Dude that song will fucking rock your world man oh my god that's insane yeah there was so crazy there was this place uh mercy mount yeah and we would uh we would get high there dude and it's just like it was just like a hospital

for like mental patients and why would you get high there it's just because it was just so isolated there was like a long road you had to go up and stuff i remember it was abandoned or it wasn't abandoned but it was just like this really open road and like the parking the driveway to the insane asylum was like a mile long at least so you could kind of just pull off to the side of the road and i remember getting stoned there one time it was like two in the the morning. And me and my friend were, it had to be like 2 in the morning. And my friend and I were like, we were hitting this bong. And we're just like so stoned. And we're on this chair.

Like he parked the car and we're on this just chair just hanging out. And we see like a cop driving towards us. And we were so stoned, dude. cop driving towards us and we were so stoned dude i just remember my friend takes the bong as the cops driving towards us and he like undoes his pants puts the bong in his pants damn bro you're like a movie that's crazy. Dude, he's trying to fit it in his pants. Yeah. And he's like, the cop can see the whole thing. The cop can see the whole thing.

I'm like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? And the cop pulls him over. He has a huge fake boner. It's just like, it's a bong. It's like a six inch boner. Dude, it was like a 12 inch bong inch he's got a foot long in the pants dude the cop like literally the cop let him do it like he for sure knew what we were doing dude cops dude being white is so cool man i remember the excuses i remember just being like yeah you know we just saw a movie we're're just hanging out. And he was just like, dude, just go home, man.

You guys are fucking idiots. Yeah. You reminded me of this one time that actually it was a different story from Governor's Ball and Acid where I was on Acid and I was trying to get there because I got like a free ticket and also like... Wait, so can you describe, what is Governor's Ball? It's just a music festival where like 18-year-old e-girls go to watch like Cage the Elephant. No, it's in New York.

Oh, okay. It's in New York, yeah. So there's like a, there's different types of bands? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's like Ty the Creator was there one year. I saw Frank Ocean. You know what I mean? Like pop artists, rap artists, rock artists.

They had Trent Reznor. One time I saw him. That was pretty cool. Yeah. He was like, I hurt myself today. Oh, he sang Johnny Cash? No, Johnny Cash covered Nine Inch Nails with that song. Hurt?

Johnny Cash copied? He covered. What does that mean? Copied. Okay. But it's like. Is it like a better term for it? Yeah, it's like a respectful copy.

Oh, he paid for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like a. But, but. So, so. Oh, he paid for it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was like a... But... So... Oh, man. So this one time, I was at work, and I was really depressed. And I had this tab of acid that I didn't buy. It was actually given to me by some gay guy that was trying to have sex with me, like, weeks before.

It's a different story. Okay. He ended up slipping me molly but i actually didn't uh i i didn't but it wasn't slipping me because he was talking to me about molly and and then i was like and then he was letting me hit his dad pen and i was like really high and we're talking about molly and then he's like hey you want some gatorade wow and then i went oh my god this guy brought Gatorade for his cotton mouth, and he's offering me Gatorade?

What a nice guy. And then I drank it, and I go, fuck. Oh, I thought something gay was going to happen. Well, no, that's the thing. I like fly very close to the sun when it comes to gay experiences. I thought Gatorade was like a keyword for his cock, dude. That's what I was thinking the whole time. Well, I think that was his plan.

That was his plan. You changed his plan. Dude, yeah. I know. I broke free of his gay smell. But he gave me like a tab of acid that, a month later, it was in my wallet. And I was reading about microdosing. And I was, like, watching Rogan.

So I was, like, microdosing, microdosing. Maybe that'll help. So then I, like, cut, like, a tiny little piece off. And then I, like, just couldn't exercise self-control. So I kept cutting tiny little pieces until eventually i just had a full tab of acid and by the way i'm sitting at my job i'm like sitting at my like i was doing a political like call-in job so i'm like i'm like calling old people i'm like coming up on acid i'm like calling old people to like get them to vote and then i'm like turning around to my co-workers

and i'm saying like the craziest shit imagine anything you said yeah like i like this old person picked up and i was like oh yeah you should vote and then i like finished the the phone call i hung up and i go man i'm so youthful and full of energy i can't leave these old hags drain me i was like nuts i was like off my rocker i was like i was like these old hags are draining my life force so like that would have been funny if you were just like in another dimension dude you call your boss dude dude it was so scary actually because because i went to go ask to leave early because I got this free ticket to the music festival. Yeah. Because my friend was going to go with someone and their friend canceled.

So he was like, yo, come. I'm in Queens. I'm actually like close. I was in something city, Long Island City. And I go down to my boss's office and they're like at this long oval table. And I go and I sit down and I go, hey, can I bother you guys? Like, I just have a question. They go, oh, Roey, yes.

We were actually about to call you down. And then I'm like, I'm about to piss my pants. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no no they know they know they know they know you know that drug feeling it's like they know they know yeah um but then they were just like we thought you should be like in charge of news headlines and i was like yeah and then i was like can i leave early and they were like yeah and i was like, can I leave early? And they were like, yeah. And I was like, great. And then so I tried to get, I needed to get from Long Island City to East Harlem on acid. I get lost for, I think, like five hours. I think I'm lost.

I'm lost for like three hours on the train. No, two hours on the train and then three hours on the island. You know Governor's Island? Randall's Island? No. It's like this island in New York where all the – it's like soccer fields, an asylum, and that's what reminded me of the story. An asylum and then like a music festival ground. Yeah.

So I get there. I get to the place. Like after i get there i get to the place like after five hours i get to the ticket booth right and then they go and then they go uh i'm just in time for the headliner who's ty the creator that night i get there it's just i'm like thank god i at least made the headliner i'm just gonna find my friend i go there i show them the email i show them the email that's like the confirmation that i got a ticket and they're like oh you didn't stop in time square to pick up your ticket from the stub hub like center and i went to who what what yeah and they were like yeah you need to go to time square and pick up your thing and i went what and then I tried to get off the island.

And then I got lost for three and a half more hours. But when I was trying to find my way off the island, there was a point where I was walking past the asylum. I'm like two hours in. It's like 100 degrees. I'm like shirtless. I'm like sweating and shirtless. I look like a maniac. I'm like sweating and shirtless.

I look like a maniac. And I see like people from the asylum like lining up on the bus to like leave, right? And from that I see, okay, so there's a dude in a wheelchair, right? That was getting in a fist fight with the bus driver. And he grabs the bus driver by the collar and then pulls himself up out of the wheelchair. And then, like, I can't even explain it. He, like, pulls himself, launches himself in the air, and then, like, flying punches the bus driver.

It was the most insane thing. Dude, what? Dude, it was, I didn't even know that was possible. Like he pulls, because he doesn't just pull the guy towards him. He pulls himself out of the wheelchair. It was, bro. That's a guy who knows what he's doing though, dude. I've, I had no, I've never, ever since then, I've never tried to fight anyone in a wheelchair.

Oh, yeah, do they? Dude. That guy's ready, man. Dude, that guy was so ready. That guy, no, but who knows? He knows, like, you can't punch a dude in a wheelchair, too, dude. Bro, I thought that they would be the easiest people to punch. Yeah.

It's crazy, man, like, when you get stoned, like like the things you see that you're like there's no way that just happened it's there's something about being on drugs that makes things happen i think you're just a little more open to you know you're a little more open-minded to like exploring yeah you're you're right i mean dude i remember remember I never used to, I could never go out in public stoned. Yeah. And I remember one time my friend was like, dude, let's go to baseball practice stoned. That's awesome. Dude, we had a kid on our team who was cross-eyed.

And, dude, we saw him in the outfield. He played left field. Yeah. And in the middle of a practice, he started chasing after a and in the middle of a practice he started chasing after a bird in the sky and we were like dude that just happened yeah like he thought it was the ball like he thought it was a pop-up dude seeing that stoned i was like there's no way that just happened no but it but it, but it did.

But it did. Reality is magical. Everyone else saw it, too. We live in a magical world. Yeah, it was wild, man. Dude, I played baseball when I was a kid, and I remember I was so bad. I was really, really bad at baseball. I couldn't, like, land a single hit.

And I remember the first time I landed, my first hit right like you know i i was like i was like this fat little kid you landed a hit dude i'm so bad at it i'm like really bad no it's actually really funny because my parents made me play sports right as a kid yeah but i i only started watching sports like two three four years ago so like they'd like i would play like basketball i'd never watched a game of basketball in my life yeah and then i'd go there my dad would show up to practices wearing all black and sunglasses i'm israeli and and and he would so he'd throw up in a thick accent yeah and so i'd be like at this basketball game i'd get subbed in for like two minutes a game. Yeah. And I'd get on the court and my dad would just be like,

Go get the ball! Go get the ball! I don't even know what a rebound is. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm just frozen. Like, I was so bad. But I was playing baseball. I get my first hit, like, ever.

That wasn't a foul ball. Yeah. Right? Like, fat little rowey, run to the team, goes up. The worst player on the team. Heart of gold. Okay? With a heart of gold.

Really loved the game. Hell yeah, dude. I get up there. I swing. I fucking just right in the sweet spot. You know what I mean? Just clink. And then I don't even believe it and i just watch the ball and i watch it just fly straight into a bird collide with the

bird holy shit murder the bird and then fall to the ground holy shit that's wild man i've never seen that in my life i play baseball for years it was a crater in the bird it was like a dent you like killed it completely i completely murdered the bird and it was the one time i got a hit i almost quit baseball man i cried and then my dad and then my dad bought me a new Wii game. And then you quit? Yeah. Yeah, I quit.

That was it. Yeah, baseball is confusing, man. There was a few times I almost quit baseball because there's, like, rules I didn't know where, like, one time my coach had me bunt. You know what a bunt is? Yeah, of course. So I'm facing the pitcher, and i'm holding the bat and the fucking pitcher threw the ball at my nuts dude i'm on the ground like literally crying in front of all my friends and family and uh the ump was like yeah you're out man and i was like what the fuck are you talking about like i just ignored him and i walked to first i was like the pitcher just

fucking hit me yeah and uh they were like yeah man you have to pull like the bat yeah you have to pull it back i didn't pull back you cried it was throwing steam that's so great i that was i didn't even wear a cup back then dude just gotten beamed in the fucking dick do you remember those kids in like third grade that would throw like 85 mile per hour fastballs yeah i mean it was slower but you felt like it was like 90 dude dude it was realistically like 60 but you're like dude this guy's throwing steam dude it was so crazy those kids were so like yeah yeah you know those kids were fucking aggro as hell at least in my experience

feel like a lot of them just ended up like working at gas stations. Oh, dude. It's so tragic what happened to those kids. I feel like you're doing the best out of all the baseball kids. Who, me personally? Yeah, you personally. Yeah. I made it pretty far, yeah.

You know, you have a podcast. But I was struggling at the beginning, you know. Well, how are you struggling? What does struggling Johnny look like? Well, like when I was in Little League and stuff, I wasn't like good or anything like it was pretty bad yeah and then and then do you still play now oh no I'm not gay dude I'm not like a men's league or anything but I made it further than uh than most people you play in college uh first semester yeah and you quit yeah what happened um well a i wasn't good enough yeah um and b was like a full-time job

yeah it's too much man you're like out there for eight hours a day baseball is kind of filled like douchebags anyway it's just like out of shape alcoholics just like being like pricks you know that sounds awesome though that sounds like so much fun it's not awesome there's a lot of egos in uh in baseball yeah but now we're in comedy dude and this is dude it just led me here man you know so that's why you're used to that's why you fucking know this tough chin these egos don't crack you. Yeah, dude, I trained for this, man. These comedy egos. Yeah, dude.

Dude, no, I can imagine the baseball egos. All those fucking testosterone jacked up. Well, dude, we get, I almost forgot, we get phone calls, dude, if you're cool with answering some voicemails, dude. They've been pretty good to us. Yeah? As recently, man. Hey, guys.

At the beginning of this year, my wife and I decided to start trying to get pregnant. Just yesterday, she took a couple tests and it turns out she's pregnant. So I guess my question for you guys is, like, how fucking stoked should I be that I did it on the first try? Like, I feel super accomplished, and I don't know, super pumped up for myself.

So I don't know. Are you guys pumped for me, too? Or, yeah, let me know what you think. But having a baby, rock on. Dude, congrats to this guy, man. Dude, this guy's got such a— Yeah, first of all, congrats on having a baby. Did you hear what he said?

He was like, you guys stoked for me, too? Yeah. First of all, I don't give a shit that you are having a baby, but congratulations. Yeah. Yeah. And to answer the question, I feel— I don't think it matters if it was first try or not. Dude, I'll play devil's advocate, bro. Dude, first try, bro.

This guy didn't pull out one time and she's pregnant. This guy's shooting fucking, dude, you want to find the worm, bro? Yeah. This guy's got the fucking worm. This guy's got the worm, dude. This guy's Yeah. This guy's got the fucking worm, dude. This guy's got the worm, dude. This guy's Kobe. This guy's fucking from deep. Yeah.

Yeah. This guy's vibes are unmatched. I want this guy on my side, dude. Are you hearing this guy? Imagine having this guy as a wingman, dude. He's like, I'm fucking stoked. His vibes are great. great i did come out really against him i don't know why yeah his vibes were too good and i think that he has it too good in

general and i think that um in general struggle is what builds people you know what i mean okay so like when things are too easy for you you're probably gonna have like a weak pussy ass son damn you know what i mean oh yeah you think his son's just gonna come out of his wife's vagina just looking like a fucking gremlin yeah like a like a fucking soy boy gremlin that'll be wild dude he's so excited to have a kid and it just comes out with like three arms dude it's like squirting mayonnaise everywhere dude i just kind of meant like maybe they'd have like pink bangs pink bangs yeah yeah you know what i mean you think that would put him through the struggle yeah i mean

no no that no that because his father didn't have to struggle his father won't appreciate and give as much care well you're really hating on this dude no man this guy's probably been through like hell and back he's just like a good guy everything else in his life sucks like he just recovered from cancer three times he's like a recovering addict and he finally he's like dude i'm having a kid this is the first thing that went well for me ever. And this guy on the internet is just taking me down. This guy on a podcast is just taking me down. Hey, man, I'm sorry, man.

I'm just trying to be funny. Yeah, I mean, I am kind of stoked for him, though, just because of his positivity, man. I feel like he's going to be all right. Yeah, no, I think. I don't like when people have kids and they're like, fuck, fuck this kid, you know? Yeah, no, I do really hate that. I do like that he's an enthusiastic father. Yeah.

Because, you know, just carry that energy through, you know, childhood, and then maybe you'll raise someone who... Yeah, this dude just needs to, like, bring that same energy to shit that sucks. You know, like, when shit sucks, he's got to be like energy to shit that sucks you know like when shit sucks he's got to be like this shit fucking sucks you know because he's saying he's hyped he's like you guys hyped you guys as hyped as i am yeah so when shit sucks he's got to be like this shit sucks you guys know this shit fucking sucks right yeah dude no just rally the people around you yeah his wife's his wife's gonna cheat on him dude if he's he's bringing that energy all the time dude yo if you're yo that'd be crazy dude if you got a husband who's always like it's his it's his first

time trying but it's the other guy's 13th time trying and he's the other guy is actually who got her pregnant oh wow now you're getting deep get a test man just make sure listen i know things look up right now but just make sure cover all your bases and make things are as good as make thing that make sure that things are as good as they seem no but in all seriousness uh congratulations man i'm really happy for you uh i'm sure that your wife is not cheating on you and i'm sure that she'll never do that ever I'm hyped for you dog I'm just saying man don't bring that energy all the time your wife's gonna cheat dude

that's so awesome that's such a great date hey John I got a question for you I've got a black lab and from time to time I he's not fixed and I grab his nuts when people are around

uh just want to find out if that's uh suitable in today's society or if that's more kind of animal cruelty or taboo. Appreciate your advice. Dude. That's wild, man. He didn't even say why he's doing it. you have you have you have grown men leaving you voicemails where they confess to molesting their dogs what are you doing man i mean dude i don't i don't hear these ahead of time i don't know yeah i don't like handpick these bro yeah the way i just want to i just want to recap that i can i can i recap that

can i recap that this is what just happened let's break this down dude hey fellas sometimes i uh grab my dog's balls and i and i jingle jangle them around like there's some keys and I final them and I caress them. Yeah. Anyway, do you think that's normal? A black lab, too, dude. That's like a purebred. Yeah, it is a purebred dog. Yeah.

Honor. Honor in that. Jesus, man. That's crazy that he's even. Dude, how are you touching Black Labs and nuts and like not getting the shit beat out of you? Like by the dog. You know what I mean? Well.

Dogs. Okay. If you want to get in the nitty gritty, you shouldn't be doing that. Yeah. It is weird and wrong, but the dog is probably having a great time. He said he's grabbing him. He's not like... He's honking him like a horn?

Yeah, he said grab. Maybe not. If he's caressed, maybe if he's just like... It's like a caress. Yeah, if he's like gently touching his dog's balls, maybe that's all right. I can't tell if that's worse. That sounds worse. Yeah, I'm just imagining him at the park like just like um think about it this way um would you tell a girl on a

date if the answer is no that's probably not cool. I wonder what the dog's doing, man. I wonder if it's just like... I mean, if I was a dog and my owner was just, like, grabbing my balls, I'd be like, this fucking sucks. Yeah. No, because that would hurt. Yeah. Yeah. But also, like, sometimes dogs, like, get hurt, and then they're like, oh, he's trying to play with me.

You know what I mean? Like, sometimes you'll accidentally, like, kick a dog because you're not paying attention. And then they'll be like, oh, boy, you're trying to play with me? I remember one time when I was younger, dude, we had my first ever dog, family dog. It was like a golden lab, dude. Beautiful dog. And one day I got off the bus, and i went over to hug it dude it fucking bit my ear off i had to get like 16 stitches and i dude i hugged it like i was like hugging and kissing it

dude and it like felt like i was endangering it then it fucking dude we had to put it down and shit it was wild this guy's grabbing dude if i grabbed that dog's nuts hold i don't even think i'd be alive right now dude first of all I'm really sorry that happened to you, man. It was wild, man. I have a really soft spot for dog stories like that, and I can't even be funny about that, man. That's so sad. You put it down, dude. How old were you?

I mean, this thing was crazy, though. I remember this thing taking shits and then eating it. No, that's just like regular dog behavior. Really? Yeah. Okay. That's not that crazy. That's normal, man that's just like regular dog behavior. Really? Yeah. Okay. That's not that crazy. That's normal.

That's like regular dog behavior. I mean, like it's not normally good. I think normally it like has, I think it says something about like their nutrition. Yeah. Like where I think it's like, oh, you're not getting enough nutrients. So they're trying to like eat their poop to like.

Like some Asian shit? Yeah. Yeah, basically. Yeah. So you're saying my dog was asian yeah but yeah this guy uh i got no advice for this guy man no i have advice um yeah if you're gonna do stuff like that uh don't tell people yeah but also don't do it but more so don't tell people the private life is best, my friend. If you're in the park and you see a guy touching his dog's knots, then just

know. I'll go up to him and be like, do you listen to the Johnny Salami podcast? I think I heard you. Yeah. No matter how much your dog enjoys getting its paws touched. Stop.

Stop. Yeah. I say maybe every once in a while, give it like a little tickle maybe. Because he's already set a precedent, you know what I mean? Like a little flick? No, definitely not flick. That would be devastating. Maybe if they're watching a movie or something, you know, he's feeling a little lonely. Just give it like a little flick like that no dude definitely not flicked that would be devastating maybe if they're watching a movie or something you know he's feeling a little lonely dude just give it like

yeah dude there's so many parts of a dog that you can caress yeah you could just hold it you could hug it you could caress his head this dog's probably humping everything too it's not fixed dude it's probably horny all the time dude dude. Oh, my God. Oh, man. Please don't be fucking your dog, man. I hope that the fondling is the farthest you've gone with the dog. I'm so worried for this dog, man. All right, dude. Well, are there any other ones?

That was probably the fastest hour ever, dude. That was so fast, man. Yeah, that was fast. Wait, are there any other? I'm down to. Yeah, I'll answer one more. Yeah, because this is my favorite part of the podcast. The whole thing was great, but this is awesome.

So, Johnny, long-time listener here. Just moved into a new apartment. listener here. Just moved into a new apartment. What's one thing that you must have in every place that you live in that's mandatory? You need to have it.

Figuries. What did he say? What's one thing you need in the end? What did he say? Is that a racial slur? I hope not. It sounded like, what did he say? Oh, I don't know. Was that a racial slur? I hope not. Yeah. It sounded like he said Febreze.

Oh, okay. Maybe that was his answer. Dude, Febreze is dog shit, man. Febreze is terrible. Terrible, dude. It does not smell good. Yeah, Glade is way better than Febreze. Glade is fucking dog shit, too.

What do you think? You got Glade right there. I'm sorry, man. Dude, we're sponsored by Glade. Oh, fuck. I'm just kidding. Dude,, we're sponsored by Glade. Oh, fuck. I'm just kidding. Dude, you got to get incense. You got to get incense the old school way.

Incense? Yeah. You don't know incense? No, like the little sticks. Oh, right. Like the Indian sticks. Well, they fend off demons, right? Evil spirits and shit. That's what I've been told.

Well, no, there's candles that do that, too. What are they called? I don't know. I know about the sage I've been told. Well, no, there's candles that do that, too. What are they called? I don't know. I know about the sage, you burning sage. Sage, yeah. Sage candles. Get the way, Jew. No, I'm just kidding.

That's what I say before I light my candles, dude. Get away, Jew. Yeah. You ever seen Borat? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God.

He's like, take my tears. Yeah. I don't do that. That's a good question, though, man. Like, one thing. I mean, for me, dude, it would be, like, either I just got an air fryer, dude, and that's that'll change a lot. Changes a lot yeah there's a lot

yeah uh the thing i would need though is like an air purifier dude if you don't have one i would get one why is that i mean dude i have my dog bob but even when i moved here dude the air quality was like so bad like it was like yeah i couldn't breathe for like three weeks no especially in new york it's you get an air purifier it's crazy man how much it works like yeah you suddenly breathe and then and then once you're breathing you can start thinking especially if you're like ripping ass all the time dude like most dudes like toxify the air most dudes are like farting and then they'll spray like febreze and then like that's just more toxins just like toxins everywhere dude you're just inhaling it.

And then you don't even know what smells good or what smells bad. I'll say this, jokes aside, jokes aside, like in all seriousness, there are sometimes like really little things that you could get like in your life, like an air purifier or something like that, that will literally like make such a huge change. Yeah. That you won't even like think about, you know what I mean? Like people don't even think like, Oh, the air I breathe is disgusting. And they don't even know that their brain is not getting the right amount of

oxygen. And then they're like, why am I depressed and tired and this and that? And it's like, get sunlight, breathe clean air. Yeah. You know, touch grass.

What do you need in your apartment? No girls allowed sign. You got one of those? No. That'd be sick. I just was trying to buffer while I was thinking of a real answer. Something you need, dude. Something I need.

If you lost it, you wouldn't be you. Ah. You got this, dude. Yeah. Because I'm like thinking in my head, this is how dumb I am. I'm going, shower. Oh, no, there are always showers in apartments. I go, no, you can't have an apartment without a shower.

There's just a studio. There could be something in the shower. Did you use a special body wash or something like that? No, not even. Well, first of all, I'm a very crafty and resourceful nomadic individual who I could just live under any set of circumstances. You know? Salt lamp. just live under any set of circumstances you know yeah um salt lamp what's that it's a it's a lamp made out of salt rock salt what does it do vibes man wait is it like a fucking uh does it make any

sounds or anything like that no just vibes there's vibes vibes wow yoes. Wow. Yo, actually, okay, I have a better answer. Even though that is a great answer, and you should do that, because it's, like, sick. Think about it, like, you know how girls have, like, vibe crystals? Yeah. A rock, like a salt lamp is that for dudes. Okay. Okay, but my new answer, because this is a new thing that I have, I have a sound machine at night. Oh, a white noise machine. White noise machine.

Yeah. And it has different settings, like fucking, like there's a traffic setting. Okay. There's a rainforest setting. There's a rain setting. There's a, fuck. I know what you're saying. Dude, that helps you sleep, right?

Bro, it's so crazy. That helps you sleep right. Bro, it's so crazy. And like, especially if like you get like the fucking eye cover on and then you got the white noise on. You enter like a new consciousness. Also, I get high before I go to bed and maybe it's just that. But. No, I have a white noise machine. Well, I had one and then I got the air purifier and the air purifier just acts as one.

Yeah. Times like 50, dude. Dude dude so it's like two in one dude like you know how sometimes like you're probably listening to your white noise between you're like dude i wish this was louder that's like what an air purifier is dude you know you just had to prove to me that your answer was better than my answer i'm just trying to let you know like i'm gonna think of a fucking great answer dude a toothbrush i think it comes down to vibes though dude you know like it really does it really dude even if you have like plants and shit dude dude i see people with plants sometimes i'm like dude i'm feeling a little

different right now plants dude change so much yeah i don't know if you believe in like feng shui at all i believe in it if you believe in it dude i believe in feng shui man but but it's like it's like fucking they're giving it's giving off i'll walk into jude's apartments and it'll just be like white walls no windows and i'm like you're killing yourself yeah and then i see a beautiful array of manliness yeah i just wish the wall wasn't white though dude painted i mean i don't own this place but never mind that would be sick if like that was like hardwood you know oh dude hell yeah be fucking wild i have hardwood yeah dude even when i put up these pictures like damn dude you're really setting the tone for the vibes bro and then i got a sign that says good vibes only and

that really where's that right next to you dude damn that's been helping you the whole time you didn't even notice dude i've been beaming i've been wondering why yeah dude it's right there i do want to get some plants though dude i just like i don't want to kill him you know what i'm saying it just seems like it's like a lot of maintenance i've killed plants and the problem with killing plants is that you feel like such a fucking inadequate loser when you kill all you had to do is water it man yeah it's like there's literally one thing that you need to do and then you don't do it i feel like i'd go plant shopping too and i just i wouldn't know which one to pick you know uh the one plant i've ever bought it was called the wandering jew

okay and it's because i got price set in my apartment, so I was, like, crashing on people's couches. Yeah. And I got the wandering Jew. Was it pointy? No. Oh, that'd be sick. That would be really awesome. It's just like a sword, dude.

It's a sword. What? No, but I would, like, hold the plant, and I would would cry and I'd be like, we're both wandering Jews. Wow, dude. It was crazy. You like built a relationship with it. I did. It's crazy, man.

Yeah. And then I killed it. Oh, nice. My bad, dude. I thought that was going to be way better. That was pathetic. You didn't shit yourself. Well, thank you for coming, dude.

Dude, I had a blast. Appreciate you for coming. Oh my God. Sorry for my bad advice to those three guys. coming, dude. Dude, I had a blast. Appreciate you for coming. Oh, my God. Sorry for my bad advice to those three guys. No, dude, I think they're going to live on, man. Can I make a plug? Yeah, dude, this is the point in the podcast, man. If anything you want to plug, any shows or your Instagram, dude, I'd appreciate that.

Yeah, my Instagram is Roey Rosen, R-O-E-Y-R-O-Z-E-N. And also, every month, I run Sugar Baby's Comedy Show in Manhattan at the Stan Comedy Club. What was I going to say? Oh, yeah. The next one is February 22nd. Last one we had, we had on Dan Soder, which was super cool. He's like one of my heroes. He did not care to talk to me at all.

It's fine, dude. He was there. He was so fucking so cool. And then the next one, we're going to have Marky Mark Gagnon from Flagrant 2. Hell yeah, dude. Hopefully some black guys because it's February, but Mark gets the pass. Hell yeah, dude. And hopefully some black guys because it's February. But Mark gets the pass. Fuck yeah, dude.

Yeah. Thank you for coming, dude. People, thank you guys for listening. I've been sick, so I haven't really been doing this. Oh, damn. Still kind of recovering. But yeah, thank you guys for listening. Half this podcast is just me hacking up a log.

Yeah, dude. for listening half this podcast is just me hacking up a log dude if you haven't already I I created

what the fuck dude oh fuck I created I created a one dollar Patreon if you guys are willing

to pay a dollar a month you can get episodes early like a few days early, I would say. And that's really all I can offer. That and my kindness. So, if you'd be so kind

to join the Patreon, join the Brotherhood. Support Johnny, man. He's one of a kind. It's only a dollar a month, and I'm broke, and I have nothing but this, so... Thank you guys, as always. Thank you for coming, bro. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yo, thank you, Johnny. Fuck you.