The Johnny Salami Podcast - Romy

Episode Date: May 27, 2023

Romy by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbor's lawn. Yeah. Hahahaha Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love? Love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love Oh, bro, I'm hurting. No, I've, I've withdrawn, I've, like, I, I dated a guy with a cat, and that almost killed me, but it was, the sex was worth it.

You dated a dude with a cat? Yeah. That's fucking terrifying. Why? That's a huge red flag dude that he has a cat yeah i know you like cats no i'm allergic to fucking hate cats dude he had a huge dick yeah oh really and that overpowered me being allergic when i went home oh wow so it's like going to walmart kind of why is it like going to walmart there cats at walmart no because? No, because when you go to Walmart, dude, like, you see crazy shit, but the prices are, like, fucking crazy, dude. You know what I'm saying? Like that Costco. You see some dude, like, ghost ride a carriage in the parking lot.

Yeah. But then you get, like, toilet paper for, like, $2. Yeah. You're like, all right, it was worth it. Worth it. Yeah. Yeah. That's cool.

Did you let him know, like, what was going on? Oh, I told him multiple times. You're like, I'm just with you. And you were kind enough to put the pup away he would not you know put the cat in the other room she did she was clawing at me it was a female because she hated me because i was taking his attention away so you were you were banging with an allergic reaction for sure wow for sure gotta make sacrifices dude yeah oh yeah dude would you do that but like reverse uh like with like a girl with like big tits or like a big ass or like whatever you're into take your time if it was a fucking it was a fucking cat dude

no way man clawing at you nah dude i'm not that into i mean don't get me wrong dude i'm a horned up dude but i would never like make that sacrifice you know what i'm saying then you're not horned up anytime anytime i see a girl who's like yeah you know i'm a cat mom i'm like all right i'm good if you red flag like you know girls are like what's your red flag like that's a huge one for me if they have a cat you could be like the hottest chick in the world dude if you have a cat i'm like i don't know you're telling me kendall jenner she walks into this apartment she goes take me right now but my pussycat has to watch what do you say john i mean if we went out to dinner and stuff and we had like a good if we had like a good conversation yeah i might i might do it for the boys so you're in it for

the convo yeah for like the emotional roller coaster right yeah yeah that's all i'm not into like just banging dude you know what i'm saying really i mean don't get me wrong man like i you know sex is cool and all dude but you can't just like dive right in you know what i'm saying i think you can yeah you'll learn one day dude you know no you're like a swimmer i'm more of like go to the top of the high dive and yeah you just want to get fucking i just jumped yeah not get jumped that sounds wrong but you've never have you ever been with a dude who like uh you like loved or anything like that not to be gay but yeah yeah yeah once really yeah you felt it i felt like kind of confused a little bit i was confused a little bit things didn't make much sense bit. Things didn't make much sense, you know?

Yeah. I didn't like that feeling. That's what it is, dude. I didn't like that at all. Shit, man. So what happened? You dumped him? You were like, I can't handle this feeling?

Yeah. I just didn't. I didn't like it. I didn't like the feeling. It was a touchy subject, dude. I start crying on the podcast. When I was super young, I thought I was in love. We don't have to get into it because it's an emotional topic, dude.

Like love is no joke. You're an emotional guy. I know, dude. It's what people don't know about me. Yeah. Yeah. I know I'm a hard read, dude. I'm sorry.

Do you think you got a big heart? For sure, dude. I feel guilty a lot about certain things, you know? Mm-hmm. So I feel like that's why I can't just smash and run. But sometimes I think about it dude when i'm walking down the road dude put on some fucking joanne jet dude oh yeah joanne not joan is it joan jet it's joan jet i'm gonna call her fucking joanne still joanne fabric joanne jet i get it she was a i think she was a lesbian. Was she a lesbian? Really?

I mean, she looks like one for sure, dude. No, who's the one that did The Runaways? She was a lesbian. Yeah, she looks like the woman who cuts my hair at Supercuts, dude. You get a lesbian to cut your hair? I don't know what her sexuality is. That's not right. That's like having a male gynecologist.

That's not right. That would be sick, though. To be a male gynecologist. Yeah, dude a male that'd be fucking sick that would be probably the best job in the world for a man you'd have some good stories for sure story very stress-free job i mean i guess depending on who you're bringing in you gotta go but it's pussy from 18 to 90 yeah so it's a spectrum of a job that would be a roller coaster of of emotions for sure, dude. Do you go for older women? I don't really go for women, to be honest with you. Yeah. I've been, yeah, dude, I tried Hinge a few times.

I can't keep it for more than three days, dude. Why's that? I just fucking lose my mind, dude. Every chick's the same. Yeah. I want a chick who's, like, fucking different, you know what I mean? Especially with the whole comedy thing. It's like, dude, you know, like, I don't want to fucking go out with sarah and have a fucking dirty martini dude right that's all

it is it's like chicks want to travel more yeah drink espresso martinis and fucking i don't even know what the other one is but love island yeah shit like that dude they're all the same you don't want an npc. Whatever that means. It's like a non-playable character. It's like a, like everybody's like the same these days. So you want someone

out of the box. You want someone, like describe your dream girl. Or dream man. I'm not gonna assume. Yeah, probably like a chick with like a, like a full bush.

Okay. Who listens to like classic rock. Okay. And uh, maybe lives on like a farm bush. Okay. Who listens to like classic rock. Okay. And maybe lives on like a farm somewhere. All right. Not a city girl.

Yeah. I think you're describing my mom. Shit, dude. You think she would... She's pretty hot. She's keeping it tight. Maybe like a hall pass

or something like that? I mean, her and dad have been arguing pretty heavy lately. Damn, dude. You have my number, bro. Yeah, I'll slide it through. I'll take it slow too, dude. To mama. or something like that i mean her and dad have been arguing pretty heavy lately so damn dude you have my number bro yeah i'll slide it through i'll take it slow too dude to mama the mama r can i watch yeah for sure oh hell yeah it'll just be us in a room listening to like classic rock just like talking about her feelings a little 102.9 first few months dude you know what i'm saying

yeah would you take her to dinner would you be nice would you be a good guy yeah i'd be a good guy for sure dude good i think i am a good guy i think that's my problem i think you're a good guy i know a lot of in comedy i know a lot of good guys and uh yeah i gotta be more dangerous though dude i gotta start fucking threatening people and shit because chicks fucking like that dude that is hot like dude if you saw me go outside right now and fucking hop on like a Harley or something. Fucking flash flood warnings, dude. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. You'd come back here, there'd be a crime scene of a tsunami. That is what chicks like, though. They like the danger, right? They like the danger. Yeah. Bitches be crazy. Has there ever been a moment besides like the big dick dude where you were like, this dude is dangerous to society and i

love it yeah i mean like i mean i've been on like dates where guys drive recklessly i like that wow yeah you like your life being put on the line yeah i like being on the precipice of death and then being taken back and then i also i find a common theme with the guys I date or hook up with is they treat me like shit. Which I really like, too. Hell yeah, dude. That's what it's all about. Yeah, yeah.

It's such an easy path, too. To be a dick. Yeah. I think the girls like that. I think, and as a comedian, you know, I crave the validation. So then they give me something to hold me on to and then i keep you know having sex with them with a condom i'm pro condom oh yeah dude pro pro you're jewish right that's a big jewish thing nope actually it's the opposite we really well like like religious jews have like

15 kids so they hate condoms They just love like not pulling out. I would rather get like grazed by a bullet than have a baby. For sure, dude. Yeah. I would rather cause a genocide than have a child, dude. If someone like if some like government official was like, you can have this child aborted, but you have to cause a genocide. Dude, easy decision. Which race?

Anyone, dude. No, dude, there's an answer. I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have said that. We'll cut that out. No, keep it in. I'm going to masturbate to it later. Shit, dude.

Flash flood warnings, bro. Oh, my God. Thunders ahead. Yeah, there's like that Jordan Peterson dude. Uh-huh. Wait, I think. Who is that again? You know Jordan?

He's the psychologist. Oh, he does the speeches. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. That, if you want to raise an army of dangerous men, dude, take him to a Jordan Peterson fucking lecture, dude. Why is that? I don't know. I've just been.

You ever listen to SoundCloud remixes? Sure. Like Big Dick Shit, Volume 7, something like that? Yeah. I think I've just been, you ever listened to SoundCloud remixes? Sure. Like Big Dick shit, volume seven or something like that. I think I've dated some SoundCloud DJs before. So probably. Shit, that's hype, dude. Yeah.

But yeah, dude, I've been listening to, you ever like listen to the same music over and over again? For sure. You kind of like spice it up a little bit. There's like, they have like remixes on SoundCloud and one of them is like, it's like uh they have like remixes on soundcloud and one of them is like it's like

jordan peterson giving one of his lectures that's a killer song and that dude and then i'm a boss by rick ross starts playing oh yeah yeah rick ross is the man that's a that's a an intense segue yeah you go from a dude lecturing to i'm a boss pirate across dude lecturing's hot yeah i never went to school so i never had like well i did it for like two days but then like would you did you fuck your professors all of them yeah for real yeah where i'm just kidding oh dude i look retarded dude retards fuck yeah you fucking bitch retards fuck hard you told me back then i would have tried dude you know no you talk something asthma attack yeah he already has trouble breathing

so it's like yeah he's probably freaking out so you would you fuck your professor i don't think i i don't know i did have a very hot professor when i was in college like a 10 she was she was a portuguese professor too dude damn portuguese dude you know kind of weird what like i would never do it but dude in the summer i did an internship and it was just me and i would go into like the computer lab at school yeah for like a finance internship and sometimes she would be like oh like i'll meet you in the lab and it was just us two and nothing don't stop i'm so close dude dude it got pretty pretty hot in there we were in like lab coats no dude i was a finance major we were just in like a computer lab like a regular. You were in a Patagonia vest.

I was in a fucking big and tall IZOD polo, dude. Flexing my triceps. That's what I'm talking about. I was flexing both of them at the same time, dude. That's American. You're like gripping the fucking table. She's like, you're doing a stroke. That's all you need, dude.

That is a power move now. The tries and buys. Yeah. I used to do that in fucking high school, dude. Really? When I was unlocking my locker, dude. Oh, yeah. Heart like time it perfectly, you know.

So like when fatties walk by, dude, they see the tricep. That was the best in high school when like the hot guy and like math would take off his like sweatshirt. But the way guys take off sweatshirts is different than how girls take off sweatshirts. Yeah. You know, and the guys take it off and they show a little bit of the happy trail and then they show the arms and you're just like wet for the rest of math class i didn't even realize that that's a big moment for you guys huh yeah when you're wet in math class it's really annoying yeah i remember

being hard a few times in like middle school and just like not knowing what to do that must be tough because it's it's visible hopefully i mean not for me dude no dude you tuck it yeah just tuck it away i don't even have to tuck it i can just like steer it off to the left it's like a chest piece just looks like a little like like a little bulge you know what i'm saying yeah a little bulge i love that band i love that porno dude little bulge but yeah little bulge big puss dude that must so when you get wet in class it's just like bummer they just go to the bathroom and clean up yeah dude i remember one time being in history class yeah and uh i think i would dude i was so hard i almost went to the bathroom to jerk off dude why are we hard i don't know i think

we're just thinking about history dude are you getting hard by history lincoln yeah i was just gonna say something super fucked up but you know you knew i was gonna say dude history well you think the holocaust is hot well i have no fucking clue you're gonna say you're a nut you're a nutcase you think i know what you're gonna say you little freak i don't know what i was thinking about i wish i could go back i think it was no it was a chick in class dude she was like a gymnast and i think she was kind of like straddling her seat dude yeah i'm sure like they make it pretty obvious too yeah it's crazy you can spot a gymnast because they cartwheel to class yeah dude they're just humping fucking pencils and shit.

Yeah, I could see that. I could see being like a gymnast is like, you know, ideal. Gymnasts are fucking crazy, man. They're rare to find too, dude. Yeah, but they're just ass. They're no tits. That's true, yeah. It depends what you're into.

It's tough when your tits are bigger than theirs. Right. Yeah. That is a toughie. And they're suckling on your tits. and you're cooking them chicken and rice if a chick if a chick sucked on my tits dude i'd put the ring on it right away i hear that i'd be like listen becky i think we should take this to the next step yeah where's the rock it's the wrong hand um that's tough it's interesting dude i've never even thought about that i didn't even know chicks got wet in class i mean maybe they don't i don't think i've ever

suckled on a man's uh nipples damn we can kiss down the chest kissed around the area you should try it i've blown a kiss i've never some dude who was on the podcast he said uh oh no he didn't i think i said that definitely that you like getting I thought about his girlfriend sucking his tits and in my head I thought he said

you know that's fine dude fuck there's nothing we can do dude about him I feel bad can we give him a Claritin D

or something just fucking kill him dude no you can't do it you just have to fight through it, dude. Yeah. It's the time. It's that season.

Oh, my God. He sounds like my grandma. Yeah. He does have trouble breathing, so it's like... She did, too. Really? She was a homophobe, racist, pillhead. Wow.

Yeah. Dude, touchy subject. But I blame it on the dementia. Really? Yeah. Fuck, dude. I'm sorry, man. No, it's all right. Way to bring it down, dude. I'm sorry, man. No, it's all right.

Way to bring it down, dude. Sorry, yeah. We went from talking to... No, it was like, it was cool when she died because it was a celebration of life. Yeah, were you wet when she died? My cousins were pretty hot. She died and we had to... She died and we had to fly to Ireland.

Wow. To bury her. Holy shit. Ireland. Because that's what she wanted to be buried which is weird because she was indian jesus dude that would be funny though if you were in like you were like on the deathbed like with her you're like i'm sorry guys you're like i'm so wet right now yeah i can't take it i gotta go rub one out that'd be sick a little bit

of humor dude you know oh i did i did a speech at the thing eulogy oh really crushed you crushed it yeah it was 14 some jokes in there that was like the first that was like stand-up-esque i was 14 crushed yeah that's weird how old are you again 21 wow how old are you you're not dude 21 how old are you 27 you don't look 27 i think i look younger dude i think you look a little younger yeah i feel like i'm like 23 we all lost a few years of our life dude it's fine 23 generous 24 maybe 25 25 is when i was like dude it's almost over 25 is crazy it's halfway to 50 dude yeah and when you're 30 you're dead yeah yeah it's almost it's over for me dude you have three more years of life yeah three years from now i'm gonna be working in like a fucking town fair attire dude

yeah just thinking about like what could have been yeah i see you as like a shoveler like a cirque du soleil because of the gymnast bitches yeah just i look homeless but i'm fucking jacked well i didn't say that but you can write your own narrative if you want to i was just trying to think positively. I'll be like a fucking DJ at Applebee's or something. That's pretty cool though. Yeah. Oh my god. It's like doing

a podcast and there's like a beheading in the background. How am I supposed to fucking focus? There's like a crying baby. Sorry, dude. It's alright. As long as he's cool i'm cool he's dying yeah yeah he's he heard it was a female comic he's thrown up yeah he probably wants to meet you super bad dude i want to meet him but nobody even knows what we're talking about i think there's like another guy in like the back room or something

yeah it's really my dog another guy in like the back room or something yeah it's really my dog yeah i've never thought about that dude like chicks getting wet in class back to what like we were really focusing on i wasn't super i was pretty horny in high school and then after high school like through the roof crazy crazy so you're 21 so you are even fucking you just became like legally able to drink legally yeah and i'm my birthday's in november and you were fucking you were you shredding it before then i'm my first drink at six hell yeah dude yeah so what's wrong with you what do you mean there just seems like a lot going on oh there, there's a, yeah, I got issues. Yeah, for a 21-year-old? For me, it's a Z, baby.

Yeah, you sound older. You know what I'm saying? I know, I know. Yeah, especially your comedy, dude. Like, you know. So you deep dived? Yeah, I stalked the shit out of you, dude. Was it good?

I jerked off to like a few of your videos. Yeah, same. Yeah. Weightlifting? Yeah, yeah. You know how it be. Hell yeah. Were they good, though?

This is, see, this is the part of validation that I need it's crazy do you feel that i don't want to give you too much so i want to keep you on edge dude god no it was terrible man every video was like i wanted to fucking kill myself i start rubbing my top tell me more yeah no we've all got our vice like what's yours what does that i'm kind of retarded what does that mean like what gets me going no no no no sweetheart it's uh what your vice means like it's like the one thing like um like my vice is like sex drugs and alcohol wow is i you know i need that and i struggle with that you know what's yours what the fuck you sound like fucking

well it's a thing it's not sounds like a rock band like biography you're like ever since i came out the womb fucking it's steven tyler and sex and fucking stop doing a philly accent and fucking stop doing a philly accent so so fucking disrespectful go birds baby wait so oh yeah so like what uh probably spanking xbox in the gym spanking what my fucking piece dude oh i thought you meant women no dude spanking's like jerking off oh like beaten meat i mean i wouldn't say that right right that's kind of weird spanking though it's kind of like if you say that with a straight face to another dude he will he'll fall in love with you dude but there's no spanking in the action so it for me it doesn't it's just funny like it's like like people from philly say shit that never makes sense so well let's not go i'm from Baltimore, dude. It's the same thing.

Oh, I thought you were from Boston. Well, I was born in Baltimore. Word. A lot of people there don't make sense, but you say things that are like... Spanking is funny, dude. Spanking? If you were talking to... Next time you're talking to another male comic with a straight face, be like,

Yeah, I was just spanking. They will cry laughing, dude. All right. And if they don't, then you shouldn't be friends with them, just spanking they will cry laughing dude all right and if they don't then you shouldn't be friends with them dude because they're not funny yeah let them know be like dude we can't be friends like what do you spank it too yeah you please start using that all right start a revolution dude i have like an inbox of words or like a word box and i'll add that in yeah it should be your word of the day every day spanking yeah so you're dude you're telling me you're are you just saying that to hype yourself up like you're like yo fucking yeah sex drugs and fucking you use fucking assholes now uh no i mean i mean you know yeah

you think that's your biggest like you think it's an issue you think it's no i don't think it's like an issue but it's like it's not great you know i gotta have longevity to life yeah you think you're gonna die like like i need 27 like 27 i like we look the same age that's a problem i'm six years younger yeah well i mean like what are you doing though like you're just going out and just sucking on like big dicks and shit i'm like no yeah no i don't know i just uh it just it's hookup culture you know yeah but you're not a part of apparently because you're like a relationship guy no dude i'm actually not you were saying taking assumptions about me dude dude there's a four i was on another podcast talking about this but there's a formula you match you snap you facetime you fuck all right i have snapchat um facetime's a huge

now dude i'm not fucking facetime what the fuck dude the last chick i had over i almost didn't get the door for her because i was in the middle of an xbox game dude you didn't like open the door she was like i'm outside and i was like i fuck i don't know if i can get the door right now like so xbox is a huge device of mine dude and i don't know if I can get the door right now. So Xbox is a huge device of mine, dude. And I don't know, man. I feel like people keep putting pressure on me to fucking get with chicks. I don't know if they want me to get with chicks or be in a relationship.

Because everyone my age is whipped, dude. Hardcore whipped. Yeah. So if I had two platters and Xbox was on one of them and pussy was on the other, which platter would you choose? Just pussy? No, there's a woman attached to it. Yeah, but like, I'm just looking at a vagina. No, you're having sex with a vagina.

I mean, unless looking at it is better than having sex with a vagina. You said on a platter though, dude. So I'm thinking about like a legit roast beef sandwich on a platter, dude. Yeah, roast beef that is a pussy. So you get to eat it and fuck it. I think it would just depend on how I'm feeling. Like I said, dude, like, I have a lot of cum in my throat right now. Dude, if like a supermodel with steaming tits walked up to me, showed me her tits and was like, you want to fuck these beanbags?

I would be like, I mean, I would, but I like really want to get to know you first. Really? Yeah, dude. Oh, you're fucked. You're worse than me. Yeah. You're whipped to the brain.

Yeah, but if I was intoxicated, dude, I'd be like right in the middle of traffic dude you know i'm saying right between the yellow lines yeah dude i do it on the freeway oh yeah i show like 17 cars my asshole dude yeah i don't get fucked i was drunk dude i was not yeah that if i'm drunk dude i'll do fucking anything i'll drive through a fucking house dude that's cool i do it sober yeah oh dude if i'm out that's why i'm like yeah if i if i'm gonna hook up with someone i'm gonna be out like drinking beforehand cocked like you know cocked fucking wasted bro yeah a little peggy weggy yeah that's easy dude

that's easy money bro going out and getting drunk and hooking up dude that's like nothing yeah just say a bunch of stupid shit but do you want like an old lady you want like a lady you can talk to and bring home maybe maybe when i settle down i'm not trying to settle down though dude yeah you know like do you ever feel like if we're being honest with each other dude you ever scared of like not being able to be retarded not being it could you say it in a neurotypical way not being able to be retarded not being it could you say it in a neurotypical way not being able to be retarded no i'm just like because you're like insane like you're fucking tapped if a guy came into your life and changed that he was like listen you need to like

like get a little more serious about this yeah you ever think about that like yeah i'd be like no it's not that easy, though, dude. No, I got to be, I have to be like, like, I'm like, I'm like a rescue animal. I got to be like, you know, when they're like, they show those videos of the dogs. They've just been like tortured and they're trying to feed it a biscuit and they're, you know, and they're biting at it. And then they say six months later, look at Rex. And he's, he's, she's jumping around the backyard. I need to be like domesticated.

Okay. You know? Wow, that was a deep analogy, dude. need to be like domesticated. Okay. You know? Wow, that was a deep analogy, dude. I felt like I was there. Yeah. I felt like I was right next to Rex, dude. Yeah. That's interesting.

Not the prettiest dog. But boy, does he love to play. Yeah. That's all. I feel like every time I talk about chicks and shit, I have a different answer. You know what I'm saying? But when I think deep down, dude, I'm just like, dude, I can't not be retarded.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, but maybe you'll find someone who likes your retardation. Yeah, that's what everyone says, but you know. I once saw a guy who was a little retarded, but not noticeable at all. But I would notice it, and I really liked him yeah because he didn't care he didn't have insta he didn't have any of that shit and he was just a cool guy wow yeah man that's fucking sick dude yeah why'd you give up on him he had perfect nipples i've talked about this on other podcasts i'm all about the nipple okay i mean i have pretty big nipples big nipples, so. That's, I don't even like knowing that. I wish you hadn't said it.

Really? Does that ruin it? No, no, it's not about, I mean, first of all, what are we talking, pepperoni slice? What are we talking here? Probably pepperonis, yeah. Ooh, that's big. Pepperoni? Dude.

I think it would depend on, like, the weather, though. You know, like, if it's cold out. You're telling me you have seasonal nips? Yeah, dude, I have female nipples. Like, if it's super. I don't think women have those big nipples. I don't know what women you're hanging out with. Well, dude, it depends on like, like if it's the summer and it's really humid out. Yeah.

My nipples like expand and they get really fluffy and big. But if it's cold, dude, they get really small and hard. I have like 50 nipples around my nipples, dude. The little dotties? Yeah. Yeah, that's it. So I have like 52 nipples. That's 50 too many nipples.

Is that a deal breaker for you, like nipples? That's not like a deal breaker. It's just more of a preference. This guy just had perfect nipples. I can't get over it. What did they look like? They were pink, perfect size, you know just and they just draw your eyes the perfect size um it's hard to say like a penny maybe once you see it you know it oh shit

no not a penny that's insane a dime bigger than a dime i'd say quarter are you talking about like the actual head of the nipple or are you talking about like the actual head of the nipple or are you talking about the whole thing the areola the areola okay yeah i've seen some dudes with nipples where i'm like dude i would kill a fucking pigeon to have those nips dude what because what about them did you like it just feels like because i've been very fat before and it just sucks when like your nipples are popping out of your shirt especially when it's like a dry fit you know what i mean like this type of if i wasn't wearing an undershirt right now it could get dangerous because they'd be

pokey they would just be popping out dude they might be popping out a little bit right now but you did like a peck thing whoa look at that oh look at the skill put that on your resume yeah dude we should put that on porn hub dude oh my god you can play the drums on those things yeah dude that's crazy fucking damn dude i just made myself hard i can't tell shit i didn't know nipples were like a big yeah dude i'm learning a bunch from you man it's the i've hooked up a lot since i've moved here everybody here they don't want a relationship they don't want nothing yeah so you're like you're intoxicated most of the time you're talking to these dudes oh yeah what do you what do you like what do you like when you're

you're asking me my sexual preference no no when you're caught when you're drunk like what do you what do you mean do you become a different person or you kind of just like well it's just more relaxed you just because i'm a very anxious person yeah so i needed to like level me out but now i've been like drinking less smoking more i've never heard that in my life you drink to level out yeah i'm basically clinton eastwood yeah you're like dude after after eight beers I am super leveled out yeah yeah are you going to like describe to me like Friday comes what's the move Friday okay you're why are we waiting for the weekend just play play along, dude. Okay. This is part of the retardation. I'm difficult. All right.

Friday. Yeah, yeah. Match. Snap. Sex. On Hinger. Hinger Bumble. Oh, wow.

Yeah. That's intense, dude. Yeah. So you match. Yeah. With whatever, like, nice. Yeah, but I come rarely. Which is the downside to that.

So you're kind of like, you have like pretty low standards you're saying? No, I mean it's not, when you're in a relationship or a thing, then you come. Okay. It's not really what I was asking, but. Oh, okay. Just to be clear. Yeah, I just wanted to know like what the plan was, you know? Like when you go out,

you're just saying you match, then you snap. And then I go to their apartment. Oh, wow. You go right to the apartment and you don't even go to a bar or anything?

No. I thought you just said you were intoxicated, dude. You just go. I have alcohol at my house. There's a bar at my house. That's interesting. And I'm the bartender.

Wow, so you're like a legit psychopath, dude. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do they know you're like you know a whore yeah well they're a whore too they're doing the same thing you know wow that's interesting dude i wish it was that simple man yeah you know it is i'm gonna download hinge after this be like yo meet up at my place yeah party at my place 10 45 xbox xbox suggested yeah you should find a girl that plays xbox dude i'm gonna get hinge

all of my pictures are just gonna be in my nipples and every prompt's just gonna be you better you better hope i don't find you snap fuck dude all capital letters yeah and they're every prompt is just going to be match, snap, fuck. Dude, all capital letters. And they're spelled wrong. It's like nipple N-Y-P-P-L-I-E. I'd probably get more matches than I do now. Why don't you get a lot of matches?

Nice guy. Peck thing. I think I'm a solid six, dude. I don't you get a lot of matches nice guy peck thing i think i'm a solid six dude and like i don't really have any good oh come on higher than that six and a half bump it fucking i'm a 10 dude there you go if you go in with the confidence of a 10 you'll get maybe a seven yeah man i don't really have any uh i don't have any good pictures of me either dude a lot of guys don't they don't they don't take a lot of i don't want to any good pictures of me either, dude. A lot of guys don't. They don't take a lot of pictures. I don't want to be that guy who puts up a picture of him fishing.

You know what I'm saying? No, and if you take a picture too good, that's gay. For sure, dude. Yeah. Yep. With like a 4K camera. No. Don't even dream of it.

You're like in an open field. Who, me or you? I just meant like in general. If I was in like an open field with like one of my polos 4k quality dude that'd be sick no that'd be i would be like no way i'd be like unless this guy's got killer nips no match wow damn dude i'm learning so much man yeah you should make my profile for me dude i would love to do that yeah make a patreon i need some like second opinions i could make you i can make you a good prof plus dude your way you don't have to pay for dinner or anything dude you know skip this we

never go to dinner yeah i never go to dinner yeah you are young though dude maybe like as you as i get older evolve into the uh the hinge game dude, maybe you'll start going to fucking Outback Steakhouse and shit. I wish. Yeah. God, what a good time that is. Outback? Yeah, you're going to be doing scratch lottos. Oh, yeah.

That's the fucking dream. Some dude named Ziggyus. Ziggyus. Yeah, Hezekiah. He's like fucking Amish. Yeah. That'd be sick. Yeah, so you... Yeah yeah that's crazy dude you're

only three you started when you were 19 and then well the first time i really stand up i was 16 wow and then i was i didn't do it like consistently and then the pandemic and then started like like every night 19 yeah yeah that's weird dude i don't like talking about comedy but i'm actually kind of interested so we can talk about it, I guess. Okay. So why so young? Like, what happened? Right, yeah.

Well, I was so bad. I am retarded. You have a disability? I'm left-right dyslexic, so kind of. Wow, what does that mean? I literally can't tell my left from my right. How does it affect you, like, day to day? People just make fun of it.

Yeah. No, like, directions are hard. And, like, I'm a shit driver. You're, like, driving on the wrong side of the road. They're, like, turn left, I just go straight. It's super annoying. I'm good at my, like, I can drive, like, well. Like, I'm not Asian, but, like, I just can't do the directions.

You know what i mean i don't get it though like so you're saying you don't know your left from your right so if you're going down the road and i'm like take a right what happens in your brain you're just like i get really angry really because i've told you i'm left right dyslexic yeah but like you can't be like like imagine if i was like i'm dyslexic you were like fucking read this chapter to me oh so it's like yelling at like a retarded person yeah that's all you had to say dude sorry what's your retardation uh i mean i know i just want you to say it probably downs no you don't have the eyes for it you wish you had down's eyes yeah if i if i shaved my head you'd be like you would look you saw me with a shaved head like if you got cancer you'd also have down syndrome yeah if i had a shaved head and you saw me walking outside

you'd be like maybe i can't unsee it yeah bad. I used to get buzz cuts when I was younger, dude. Yeah? Yeah, it was bad. Did you get, like, the front of the line? Like, dude, you know how they trim your sideburns? No. You fucking asshole. Hey, dude, you know when you got circumcised at age eight?

Dude, they use, like, these, like like short razors for your fucking sideburns i would get that all over my head why i don't know it's just like summertime and i went to super cuts so were you not you weren't you weren't dude it used to feel so good too dude just having like a bald head really just playing with it at night and stuff sometimes i like is it was it the is it not bald, but it's got the nice when you touch it? Yeah. It's like super soft.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My, I had a friend, he played a lacrosse. He used to like shave his head every summer and we all used to touch his head. You used to play with it? Oh yeah. It felt good.

Oh dude. Hell yeah. Yeah. That's what it's all. Yeah. I used to just like go like that and like, you know. That would also get me wet in class when we touched his lacrosse head. Oh, I thought you were going to say like, if you saw me in class with a shaved head.

Oh, no. That's not what I was going to say. That guy was hot. If you're out there, reach out. He was cool. He just tapped me on the shoulder. You're like, I'm so fucking wet right now. I wonder what that head feels like on my head.

That'd be sick, dude. I'd probably kill myself because I wouldn't know what to do. Really? Yeah. Do you fumble with women like when you're talking them at bars or something i fumble with a lot of things i don't really talk to women that often i've had a few chicks on here that didn't really go that well really talk about it this is the best it's ever gone so oh hell yeah you're crushing it dude i'm crushing it man so this is all me dude yeah no just like uh yeah i didn't know how this was gonna go yeah i'm just like i'm a hard read in general so women are kind of like i don't know you know right yeah but

you're mysterious that's a plus yeah i don't know i feel like i'm like bothering chicks like i've never really like walked up to a chick and, like, hit on her. Mm-hmm. Mainly because I look retarded, so. Right. Is this in the summer when you have the buzz cut or winter? Just all year round. It's not really, like, a seasonal thing.

I don't think you look retarded. Like, you don't look downsy right now. Yeah. I just, like, wouldn't know what to say to a chick. You know what I mean? I might say, like, hey, and then if i ever made it like after that that'd be a win you go home happy yeah maybe i always want to say something that's like in the movies though like some top gun shit yeah you know what i'm saying yeah

like what i don't know i just always want to like i got balls of fire i always just want to like hit a home run dude i never want to just get like a single and like take it one base at a time you know you want to hit a single not i don't know what that means yeah one time dude i was fucking in college and uh this chick was like walking out of the dorm building at the same time as me and she was like a solid four solid four dude and uh i was wearing a patriot sweatshirt and she goes hey you know the patriots lost right she was wearing a denver broncos fucking sweatshirt and i was like oh yeah did they i had no idea and she started like crying laughing and she just watched me walk away like soaking wet dude but she was like a solid four. I want that with like a solid six, dude.

Who was soaking wet? The woman. How do you know? I could tell, dude. It was thunderstorms? Flash flood warning? Maybe, dude. So you didn't, you should have been like.

Maybe like a little drizzle. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, like a sprinkle. Yeah, like a chance of showers. Like it's like a broken suburban sprinkler. Yeah, that I sat on. You should have been like, hey, let me get your number. Like we should watch a game or something.

She was so ugly, dude. Yeah, four. That's what, that's the moral of the story. It's like, I want that, but like, you know. With a six. With a six, yeah. It's insanely attainable. Yeah, that's what they tell me.

That's what they've been telling me for like years now. Your buddies should be like helping you out. I don't have any good wingman, dude, what they tell me. That's what they've been telling me for like years now. Your buddies should be like helping you out. I don't have any good wingman, dude. You know? Yeah. Plus, chicks fucking lie all the time and stuff, dude. I don't believe them. Chicks fucking suck, dude.

You know? Dude, why do like, why does everyone think like chicks are like innocent when they're not? You know what I mean? What do they lie about? Everything, dude. You know? You ever hear chicks were like,

I don't fucking hook up with dudes and they're just like blowing like 10 dudes at the same time it's like that's a corn dog it's almost like you want a chick to like hate fuck you because those are the ones you can trust you know the ones that hate having sex no no no like you've never you never heard of hate fucking like yeah no it would be like if you didn't know me and i walked up to you and i was like what's up you fucking slut right yeah and then i fucked you because i hated you yeah it's just like a way of like flirting you're like shitting on each other like you're roasting each other and that that's not a way to be though that sounds like you for sure no no i i like the guys they're just not good people you

know yeah but you just said like but i don't said you love when guys are dicks to you. Yeah. Are you lying about that, dude? No, the cat guy was an asshole. Yeah, but was it just because of his penis where you were like, okay. Oh, he was magical with his penis and his hands. But him being a dick made it okay because of that? No, it's not that I was attracted to him being an asshole

i liked that he could make me come over and over and over again oh wow the whole time dude and i was young and he was older it was like wow yeah see i didn't even get that i thought you liked the fact that he was like a dick to you no no no i mean i've been uh seeing someone recently and he's a nice guy you're fucking you're cheating, dude? I know. What the fuck, dude? Well, it's actually over with him. Which is actually pretty sad, but what can you do? Yeah. Yep, yep.

Damn. Nice guy. Boring. Fuck him, dude. Lame. Yeah. Gay. Gay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but that fucking cat, that retard. I wanted to kill it so badly no not a killer but yeah whatever it takes dude scratching at me scratching at old romey yeah we all have killer instincts dude sometimes i think about going in the woods dude with like a fucking bow and arrow i made by myself just killing fucking livestock i could see you fucking just taking out bunnies left and right that'll would be fucking hot, dude. Taking out bunnies and maybe having a little honey on the side.

Yeah. Like, both of my arms are fully extended, dude. So I'm, like, flexing my triceps. Yeah. What are these called? Like, uh... Forearms? But, like, there's got to be a name for, like...

There's got to be, like, a medical... Yeah. Those are my fucking labias, dude. Yeah. those are my fucking labias dude dude your labias are sick dude I didn't want to say anything but like let me give them a feel

imagine dude what would you do if you saw me at the gym maxing out on like wrist fucking curls dude if I saw you no it's not even that it's like when i whenever i was in school not in school but like and if i see a guy fucking flipping through a book and he's got good fingies oh i'm like oh i like i like fat fingers dude on a woman oh yeah fat fingers yeah big ass chodes dude why something about it dude i don't know like a ronda rousey kind of no that's too aggressive I like big like fat ass it's almost like you just have like five chodes on your hand and what does that do for you just gets me going

dude it's one of my vices dude yeah yeah what's like okay yeah like what's like when you see a woman do this you're like oh god damn it your eyes roll into your head and you fucking have a throbbing little bull jesus dude come on there's got to be something you see a girl like fucking jumping rope with big tits or like playing in the sand let me think about this dude take your time it's a deep question yeah dude i don't want to give the wrong answer dude let me think dude it's hard for me to think too so it's like a guy when he's driving he does the one handle oh yeah oh yeah that's fucking even i would get hard to see i know yeah that's that's that's a lot when i'm like with a friend in a car and he's doing that i'm like you need a new seat i like when chicks bend over for no reason

do they have scoliosis? are they getting a scoliosis test? that was a lie I don't like that that actually makes me mad dude you ever go to like the gym and just like some chicks like bending over like pretending to tie her shoe you can see like her fucking moose knuckle I've not

no that's not something I've ever noticed in my life yeah that's not a good one i don't like what i mean watching a guy work out i'm more of a like uh the car or like yeah something like that yeah it's a little things what is like a little thing that gets me going dude i like i like i like men dude everything i was thinking about was all gay it's the best time dude i should man because i was just thinking about you would clean up oh dude i was thinking that like things that dudes do you know what i mean like you mentioned the steering wheel dude. I got a little hard when you said that.

Let me make you a grinder. Yeah. Dude, I already know I would crush that game. You would... Oh, my God. Twinks, bears in between. You would fucking crush. Yeah.

I would fucking scream, stay humble, dude. Yeah. You would get so many dick pics more than I get. Yeah. I feel like there's got to be something that chicks do that really gets me like... No, no, no. Let's stay on the men get. Yeah. I feel like there's gotta be something that, like, chicks do that really gets me, like... No, no, no. Let's stay on the men topic.

Yeah, I gotta stop... Everything in my mind is just, like, dudes asking me, like, you know, how comedy's going. You know, I love when, like, a dude is, like... When he's, like, interested

in, like, your stuff. Just, like, we're just, like, we're talking and, like, we're bouncing ideas off each other. And we're both on the same page. Like a little riff action. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Yeah. You know what I like, dude? I like when a woman comes up behind me and sticks her finger a little bit up my butt. That's like a joke. That's your Portuguese professor. did you hear this huh i don't know i'm trying to do portuguese um yeah i've been asked to eat ass and uh i deny it anything dude pardon did you hear what i said i yeah i hated it and i'm trying to ignore it no no i'm just kidding you you like that have you had that done yeah that seems horrible like i wouldn't want to be like you know touching without yeah not to get too emotional dude but yeah my ex dude we were

laying in bed one night and we didn't really know each other that well and she took a fire tv stick and shoved it up my ass. Are you kidding? And it was like one of the best moments of my life. Oh. Yeah, dude. Did you turn on the TV? I actually,

I had to get a new fire TV stick after that. You're not in the whole butt thing, huh, dude? Once I said ass, you were like, whoa, fucking. No, I mean,

because everybody asked me to do, like a lot, it's like the anal question. That's like a big thing on my mind.'ve never done anal but it's like do i wait for marriage for anal you know when's the right time to do it i don't think you really need to do it i'm pretty young i don't want to do anything crazy definitely take your time i know you're like an animal and stuff but yeah you might want to chill with the whole anal thing no so once someone

finds out dude it's over it's over dude everyone's know. I'll take it to the grave. I can't. I can't do anal, man. I just can't see myself. Because it's like another vagina. I can't lose my virginity again. Yeah, it's like not natural. Well, no. I mean, animals in the wild buttfuck all the time. Really? Oh, yeah, dude.

I never see that on Planet Earth or anything like that. You ever watch a little Discovery Chan? Do they show that on Nat Geo and stuff? What do you think i'm gonna do after this dude really dude you gotta send me some of the episodes okay i don't think i've ever seen anal on those you got it seeing like regular like uh doggy style well i guess you can't really tell huh yeah i wonder what a dog's favorite position is i guess they can only do doggy yeah i don't think they would be able to do missionary. That'd be cute.

That would be cute, yeah. Yeah, I'm thinking about my dog right now. Anytime he gets on his back, he like panics. Because he can't get up. Well, that's not missionary though. Yeah, you're right. Because he's a dude. Is your dog non-binary?

Yeah. Not in this house. Dude, imagine that. Like, I'm about to have sex with a woman, and I just, like, lay on my back. Like, open my legs. Imagine how confusing that would be for everyone involved. I'd throw up. Really?

Yeah. Damn. I mean, that would horrify me to my core. That would be horrifying, for sure. I'm trying to think of the most horrifying thing I've ever seen. I don't even know why I just said that. I'm upset I mean, that would horrify me to my core. That would be horrifying for sure. Trying to think most horrifying thing I've ever seen. I don't even know why I just said. I'm upset I just said that. It was quite a visual.

Like, yeah. And now I'm picturing you do it. Yeah. That's not a good picture, dude. No. Yeah, that's fucking scary. That's got to be erased. Yeah.

From everyone's memory. Yeah. What were we talking about again? That's a toffee. Dogs being non-binary. Yeah, you got pretty quiet after you started talking about butts oh sorry i'm sorry such a prude on the podcast yeah yeah what is uh what is philly like philly's fun it's small um i've never been i've never been it's like a mill people it's fun dude you want to hear a crazy story dude yeah check out this segue dude okay talk about hinge dude so it's on the same fucking topic dude

i downloaded hinge for like three days dude i matched with this girl and i thought i was in love dude she goes yeah you know like I'm a writer for John Mulaney she's like I love comedy super hot chick long story short dude I meet up with her at a bar and we're talking and then we walk we leave the bar and she goes hey I'm not trying to be a dick but I I'm gonna go and I was like oh shit I was like I'm so sorry like did I do something she goes it's not you I just I really want to go home and I was like no no like you don't have to like pretend like it's like I can take it and she was like I can't emphasize this enough like it's not you I need to go home she like shit her pants or something dude she hops in an uber and uh i take like an hour like

train ride home and uh completely ghost me dude afterwards so you don't know what happened i'm texting her i'm like every day i'm like hey for like the next three days so like two and a half weeks pass dude and then i get this super long text from her she's like hey like i know you're not gonna believe me but i actually uh i had brain surgery and i was like what i was like you don't have to like make up a crazy excuse for like ghosting me she's like i'm not even fucking with you like that night i went home and i had to check into the hospital because i wasn't feeling good dude she sent me pictures shaved head dude like insurgents all over her head bro like legitimately had a fucking tumor removed from her brain and then she ghosted me after that yeah and then you sent a dick pic and then she erased it.

So you are a retarded, but you're also a girl with girls with disabilities. Yeah. You fucked a disabled... Oh, no, you didn't. No, we didn't do anything, yeah. What about now? And now she goes to you. You can't go back? Yeah, she told me she was talking.

She told me she's bisexual. And I said, oh, I heard girls eat box good. And she was like, yeah, I don't think this is going to work out. And she ghosted me, dude. And I had to be like, I'm sorry. Like, it just like I didn't mean to say it. You know, bisexual, the brain tumor, two strikes. Yeah. I mean, that's kind of hot for me me a woman with a shaved head who's bisexual dude right that's your

sweet spot dude that'll get me going for sure man yeah imagine i was going to like a like a baseball game or something everyone's like dude i don't know yeah i don't know what i'm talking about yeah i've never been to philly though dude she was very like adamant about the go birds she was from philly yeah oh nice yeah a lot of philly people have brain tumors that's what we talk like this no um you get homesick a lot or no i mean i go home like every couple months uh not really i mean don't know. It's kind of fun being here and meeting new people and stuff like that. Philly's cool. It's fun.

You see crazy shit. I was once in the car with my sister, and we were driving in Philly, and there was a guy holding a Boba drink, and he had a hospital gown on. Clearly he had just escaped the hospital. No shoes. Oh, wow.

Hospital Boba and a wire through his jaw that was golden and the question was how are you gonna drink boba if you've just gotten jaw surgery because the tapioca is gonna fuck you over yeah and there's no point in getting boba if you can only have the liquid okay then get a big soup yeah why pay for the tapioca wow that's wild so that was like one of the craziest things you've ever seen that's one that's coming to mind and then i went to the eagles parade when i was 16 i ditched school when i went there really it's pretty fucking fun you guys are really serious about the whole eagles thing yeah i do are you like on the uh is it just like a lifestyle there is it kind of like it's a lifestyle green i i like i mean i like the birds but my uh i like ice hockey better okay more

interesting did you go to you went to high school i went to high school a little bit yeah and you dropped out of college correct why because everybody there was gay and that's not me being mean really it's just a true thing well i applied and it's like covid it's all confusing i didn't get to visit and then i went there and all the men were gay and all the women were gay so you fit in like pretty good and uh i was like well i'm not gonna go four years celibate so i dropped out and then you just started pursuing dick why would you just go to a different college dude because i wanted to do stand-up and it was just too annoying and

i did and i did well so oh yeah dude chasing the dream chasing the dream chasing a bitch i'm chasing and i wouldn't i was so bad at school too it's like it was such a joke what am i gonna pay fucking the dyslexia was like not even that i'm also retarded you know what i mean like yeah so i was so bad school dude so bad but i was so fucking funny teachers loved me they ate that shit up damn you're the class clown dude ripping farts and shit no dude not during class i never went to class i barely graduated just getting wet and ripping farts you know what i did do though i was failing everything and I had missed I got called into the office one day and uh he goes my guidance counselor he was like just so you know you've missed 30 days of school in a row and I go oh really you skipped 30 days in a row and he goes uh you're not gonna graduate

you're gonna have to repeat the 11th grade and I go i'm sure as shit not doing that and i said hey man you should come and watch me do stand up and i uh he came to one of my shows and i think he curved the old wow because he was in charge of like that writing in the absences and the um and the grades and stuff yeah do you have adhd or anything like that oh my god i don't know about that i have i'm just stupid like there's no i don't know about that. I have... I'm just stupid. Like, there's no... I think... I don't think I have ADHD.

I think I'm just stupid. Yeah. You know? And it bothered you? Yeah, because I was like, why would I go to school if I feel fucking retarded all day? Yeah. I could go be at home and fucking hang out with my mom. I mean, that's how I felt, and I stayed around.

Oh, you're so good. Yeah. I mean, I would just be in, like, Starbucks in college just thinking about love, dude. Yeah, you're so good yeah i mean i would just be in like starbucks in college just thinking about love dude i said okay i remember dude there was a starbucks on campus and i would just go there dude and just like look out the window and think about like meeting virginia dude yeah no i in high school i was definitely like i need to find a fucking husband i need to someone needs to wife me up yeah dude especially like back then like I was doing comedy like 1920 like all that shit So like dude, I would literally be like one day dressed up in like a pea coat talking about like finance

And then this same night talking about Being retarded and farts nice and that double life dude was just like it's like what the fuck am I doing, dude? Yeah, you know, I felt that I like 16 you probably missed out's like what the fuck am i doing dude yeah you know i felt that i like 16 you probably missed out on like a decent amount of shit though dude not to get negative in high school and college yeah well maybe like what have i missed out on failure confusion like bad shit that you're supposed to like well you might have like been exposed to at a young age you know what i mean i don't think so maybe just like the small things that i can't think of dude you know like yeah but my i mean i visited my sister when she was in college yeah so like i

got i went to a couple frat parties i was like this sucks everybody's ugly and it smells and the floor is slippery i want to leave yeah i'd rather be one-on-one with cat man yeah at least you know you want dude if you're out there baby baby, take it back. Yeah, like, you're, like, retarded, but you're, like, your emotional intelligence is pretty high. Right. For someone who's 21. Because, like, you know what you want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is pretty crazy, dude.

No, I know what I want career-wise and relationship-wise. I just have gotten neither. I'm 0 for 2. It fucking sucks. Yeah. I told my mom the other day i was like do you ever think about if like you weren't funny what you would do like you have a backup you're obviously good with numbers like rain man no i just know like basic addition and subtraction

fucking worst accountant ever you're like well we have to divide this you're like i'm hands off division dude yeah i've been i've been dude the thing about college and finance and all that shit dude you can show up to crazy events and like barely know how to read i was drunk during a presentation in times square it was like one of the biggest finance conventions in the world for college students. And we had to present and I was like dude I had like six fucking twisted tees.

Ew. What are you a little blonde frat girl? Twisted tees? I was fucking hard as a rock dude. People would just walk by and be like so tell me about this poster. And I would just be like so like tell me about let's meet with this poster and i would just be like twisted tea you fucking faggot whatever dude just let me be happy dude sorry

whatever floats your boat yeah you don't fuck with twisted teas no dude dude if we had a few twisted teas right now dude fucking hook up guitario dude yeah that would get a little wild i don't know if i could agree to that i know how the night would end what you shoving a fucking guitar at my ass if you asked politely yeah i'd strum it dude i uh little acoustic anal i've been thinking about that a lot dude i kind of want to get like guitar hero again or like rock band rock band kind of fucking sucks dude but if you formed like a fucking comics like Rock Band thing and we all like pulled up

with like a fucking air guitar and shit. Like a real one? No, like the part of the... I think I'd rather go with Guitar Hero and just get like shitted, dude. Yeah. Maybe like Dance Dance Revolution. You ever play that?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Dude. That would be a fucking movie night, dude. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? That's a full six hours right there. That's a block of time you know you're gonna have fun from the beginning to the middle to the end yeah do you have any other hobbies besides comedy and sex honestly

no someone asked me that recently are you hitting the mics hard are you just like not doing shows bitch fuck you dude whatever you're a woman no i hit the uh yeah i uh dude every time i post a flyer they're like uh affirmative action i'm like fuck man like yeah i'm like that's fucked up no you're funny dude no thank you but uh some some and some slash most women aren't which is crazy yeah most of them aren't and that's not like but you know what i mean yeah but the same goes for but like you could say all guy comics talk about dicks and all women talk about blah, blah, blah. It's like, whatever.

It's just a stereotype for both. Yeah. I mean, honestly, dude, it's just like women haven't been in comedy for that long. And now they're starting to really break into it. And some guys are, like, upset about it for some reason. It's like, like dude we've deprived them of a lot throughout history man like let's you know let's let them do it yeah let them vote so dudes are like yeah women aren't funny bro it's like dude what the fuck is wrong with you

yeah you know that was like the most mature thing i've ever said yeah i hated it yeah i hated saying it dude i shouldn't have given you that validation dude i mean you didn't say i you said all women there was no specific no i don't think you're funny dude like i think in like three years i'm gonna be working at like a town fair tire dude and i just stop with the town fair i fucking hope you remember me dude i'm gonna remember you yeah dude okay hey i put a guitar hero up that guy's ass. Yeah. That'd be pretty fucking sick. I would do it then. Like, if I was, like, fucking Chappelle-level fame, you came to me, like, you know, Romester.

Yeah. Let's get, like, I need you to go to the green room now and put a fire stick up my ass or a sparkler. I'd do it. Yeah, just, like, make me happy. Like, have someone to look forward to. Yeah, because I want to give as much as I want to get. Hell yeah, dude. You know what I mean? That's what it's all about, man.

Yeah. Well, dude, this was the best conversation i've ever had with a woman on a podcast i'm not even saying that dude thank you you gotta tell me what happened with the other ones after yeah yeah i think if i can remember them but dude thank you for coming it was great to sit down and talk with you and not feel like shit yeah you know thank you for having me thank you for finding me yeah dude um you are funny dude i that's all i'm gonna say i'm not gonna give you any more fucking validation dude but if you want to publicize anything now's the time for the fans dude dude i say insta romey rosner comedy yeah dude we have good times on that yeah dude you should follow your clips and your comedy, dude. Yeah. TikTok's the same.

Yeah. Follow her on Snap too, dude. My Snap is likes nice