The Johnny Salami Podcast - Romy Rosner

Episode Date: October 14, 2024

Romy Rosner by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. I don't know, dude. I don't know what's in it. Okay.

Just makes you feel good? Makes me feel dangerous. Yeah. You make me nervous, dude, sometimes. Who, me. Yeah. You make me nervous, dude, sometimes. Who, me? Yeah. You make me nervous. Really?

Yeah. In, like, a good way, though. I just want to let you know. Let me know what? That you make me feel nervous. Oh, okay. No, that's good. I kind of like that.

Yeah. It feels like... I haven't felt something in a while, so... Me too, honestly. I, uh... Yeah, I think I've done some dangerous stuff recently just to feel anything. Really? Because I've been really dragging my feet lately. Like anal?

I was thinking about anal today, John. I swear to God. Really? Because of me? Yeah. You're always on my mind. You're always on my mind. I just left my apartment, like my New York apartment.

How long ago? Like today, I moved out. Oh, shit. Yeah. I got to get a new place. Emotional? No, no, no, no. Really?

It's a shithole. It's like shit on the walls. Well, it's paint. It's paint. Let's call it what it is. It's like Nazi simply swastikas. Stop describing my chest tattoos. No, it's because somebody in my apartment wanted to do anal with me.

Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. So I was like. Man or woman? Well, you were wearing the wig, so. I didn't think you'd recognize me. You look awfully like the bird that stayed in my window for the two years. Yeah, that was me the whole time.

It was a jacked pigeon. 230, just straight up fucking protein farts. You look more buff than usual. Really? Dude, you can't make me hard on the pod, bro. No, when you were walking in front of me, your shoulders are like even more so. Really? More than last time?

Yes. I remember last time you were telling me I was looking like a fucking eagle, dude. You told me I could like fly away and shit. Yeah, I've been taking it easy on the lats, bro. Which one is lats? Like your back. Okay. It's my fucking tits, dude.

I get like wicked tight and shit like my posture is just like really bad dude like affects my mood and stuff you know well women with big breasts have similar issues yeah they deal with that like scoliosis and shit yeah i mean no because i because i wear a bra so yeah but you got some fucking heaters dude for sure double d baby they don't drag you down at all? All day and all night. Only mentally. It's all a mental game.

Really? Yeah. Because when you walk, where are you looking? You're looking at cock, right? Stop reading my mind. It's got to wear on your neck, dude. No, it's sweatpants season. Yeah.

Still got some bulges out there. I love it. it's it's sweatpants season yeah yeah still got like some bulges out there i love it i do i do like that yeah it's it's because it makes the imagination run wild that's how i feel about like camel toes they're like harder to find in the winter but when you see them it's like seeing like a fucking manatee white fucking lion dude dude it's your nickname at the gym that's what all the gay dudes do you work out with um how do i phrase this black guys or white guys all sorts of races dude because you're given black guy workout vibes no just because you're so buff oh yeah that's racist no i mean yes but you're saying like prison workout type shit black men in prison look better than white men in prison for sure yeah yeah that's because they found god though yeah no i've been uh i mean we're in queens dude there's

all sorts of people dude oh yeah my gym looks a fucking, like, the cover of a sociology book. Yeah. Can't even say sociology, dude. I can't believe you knew sociology. Like an Asian. Yeah. Yeah. But no, dude, I've been hitting shoulders, man, forearms.

I can tell. Yeah. When you were, you played hockey, right? Like in high school, yeah. I think about that a lot. Like, no joke. The fact that I played hockey in high school or just hockey in school or just hockey in general sometimes i like jerk off to your stats you got the online can i tell you something yeah that's not the first time a comedian's told me that really sort of got yeah yeah what does he what does he look like

his nickname is white tiger, we weren't good. It was just like public school bullshit. Yeah, I mean, still, dude. Is there contact in women's hockey? You guys fucking... Some of them are. Really? Yeah.

What type of contact can you make? When we kiss. We actually take off our helmets and tongue, which is why I had to step away from the game. Like consensual finger banging? You know that women use dildos? Did you know that? No. No, no. I only knew this

like... Are you being serious? No, I'm being dead serious. Like somebody told me... I knew you were a special dude. No, I'm deeply autistic. You just found this out? Like you know how lesbians have sex? Yeah. And you know the termbians have sex? Yeah. And you know, the term like scissoring.

I thought that's all they did. Turns out they use dildos. Oh, for sure. Yeah. But I didn't know that. Yeah. I don't know, like the science behind it. But yeah, you got to fucking get something up in there.

Yeah. But I just thought it'd be a woman's hand. Oh, yeah. I didn't think it would be. Me too. Do you take a finger up the ass during sex? No. I mean, if I found a woman that could fit something up there.

It's tight? No, it's just like the fucking Amazon rainforest, dude. If you can get through that, then you deserve an Oscar. Oh, you're like a hairy guy? I think so, yeah. Oh. I mean, I'm not, like, I got, like, normal hair, like a normal. She gets her ring twisted.

She fucking gets a weed whacker from fucking lowes they're like what's this for you have a new garden like john's asshole starting fires in the living room yeah uh no dude i'm not that hairy i'm my stomach dude, my chest. My chest is fucking hairy, bro. Really? I used to shave it, dude, but then I was like, I'm not getting any pussy. Yeah. Like, I know when I'm getting pussy, so I have time to, like, prep.

Yeah, the prep's very important. You know what I'm saying? What does your prep look like? You have 15 to 20 minutes. It's probably like 10 minutes, dude. I'll just shave my gooch. Oh, my God. Yeah. Okay. I won't won't shave it dude but i'll trim it up you know what i'm saying there's that much hair down there no wait you're talking about your bussy is that what they call it i think it's like the area between my

asshole and my balls oh man yeah i don't know why i shave it though because i don't know i don't think anyone's going down there. Maybe just to, like, show off a little bit. To what? The ceiling? To God, dude. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, God's always watching. I mean, he's watching the shave and the movement.

That's what I do in the morning, dude. I just fucking flash my gooch at the sky. I flick it to Inshallah. Get some sunlight, you know? No, I don't really have like a sophisticated Warm up Yeah I think I just like Clean up man you know But I haven't been shaving my chest

You know cause I feel gay Already so I don't want to be like Gayer Like dude shaving your chest is gay I think if you trim it that's all right but if you're shaving it dude like with a razor that's pretty gay that's fucking gay dude and then it's all like itchy oh dude it's so prickly dude i could fucking take an eyelid out you know what i'm saying it's like a scrub daddy yeah but i feel like i just need to find a woman who's like

okay with like chest hair with tons of hair who finds it like nurturing and shit yeah maybe she'd have like she has like a bear kink yeah well i think it's more just like a natural thing you know they're into like planet earth and shit oh one of those probably a woman who like cleans her vajayjay with like oak oak like a tree dude like a harmonica yeah dude that would be fucking sick you're trying to get harmonica poon poon? Yeah. Some fucking Vermont pussy, dude. Yeah. It's probably way better than New York pussy, dude.

She's probably got huge bush in Vermont, right? Aren't there like hikers and stuff? I don't know, dude. I've never been. I've seen some shit in like house hunters and like tree house fucking, you know, the tree house thing? Yeah, they have a lot of like treehouses out there yeah my buddy went with his girlfriend to vermont and they like rented out a treehouse yeah and he said they were just doing anal like all weekend dude and he said it was like one of the best weekends of his life anal that's like the second virginity i don't know how i feel i mean

dude if you're gonna do if you're gonna rent out a tree house You gotta do anal You gotta do anal bro Someone almost did anal with me And I Like put the tip On my asshole And I screamed like a Twink in a new prison Wow

Screamed Man or woman It's a man John It was a man How can I'm just hoping It was you with a strap on Just black out

So you couldn't follow through with it No I didn't trust him There's got to be a trust Like you know how you want the woman Vermont I want you to trust her Yeah it was like first date type stuff Oh no

You might want to call someone It was actually the EMTs They wanted to No no this was like a couple weeks in oh wow a few weeks that makes it better dude i feel like anal psych it's crazy that's like marriage type shit yeah that's wild bro no anal's like that's what i think i'm gonna table it till marriage you definitely should man I don't know. I'm going to be honest, dude. I watched Cake Farts today.

You ever seen that video? No. I'll send it to you. Don't worry about it. Bro, can we watch it right now? Can I just show it to you? Okay. If you can keep a straight face.

Dude, you might get turned on. It's definitely in my history. Dude, it's on, my history dude it's on like a soviet union site it's like fucking drop like drones flying over us right now we can flag we're brought miss rosner just a fucking mr salami straight up airstrike takes us out dude Miss Rosner. And Mr. Salami. Straight up airstrike takes us out, dude.

Hold on, dude. You gotta find the original, dude. Because there's so many. Dude, it's like two girls, one cup. Oh, that's what it is? I don't want to see this. Oh, you don't want to see it? What is it? It's like an actual...

I'm going to show it to it? It's like an actual. I'm going to show it to you. It's so fucking funny. Oh, my phone's like glishing, dude, because it's like. Because you're on a Soviet website. Hold on. You got to type in cake farts. Do you want me to spell that for you?

Original. Oh, here we go. All right. Hold on. Watch this. This episode is probably going to get taken down. All right, hold on. Just watch it. Just watch it.

Dude, if you don't laugh at that. Okay, so it's entering on a cage. Know what I like the most? Wait, what's going to happen? Cake fart. know what I like the most wait what's gonna happen cake sorry okay there's a woman she naked she's nude from the bottom down I know. It's a minute. I think I might have to get nice and comfortable for this one.

Is she gonna shit on that cake? All you say, why don't we do it? John. Oh, God. Push it in there. She's ripping. I get the point. She's ripping. I get the point. She's ripping. That's so fucking funny.

Dude, she's ripping heaters. That's my wife, dude. That should be your wife that would be perfect actually imagine dude we were like married and we just like separated what happened like that video after that video I don't think anyone's like I like looked into it

I don't think anyone's heard of her since she was drafted imagine having to be in the military after are you cake parts there's like a whole reddit thread of dudes just trying to find out who she is just willing to go to the depths of the earth just to find her dude i'm not gonna lie i saw that video and i was like she looks like an open mic her she's kind of hot dude she's very pretty yeah but that video is so fucking funny dude you have you seen uh two girls one cup like when it first came

out no i think i was a little young but i know what it is. Yeah, dude, I almost threw up when I saw that. I didn't watch the whole thing. I watched like 10 seconds. Were they squirting the cup together? Pissing it? I think they do everything, bro. That's not great. I watched just the beginning and I literally thought I was going to throw up.

We were at my friend's mom's house and he was playing it on the big screen. Like a 70-inch? Yeah, dude. It was probably like 75 inches. Wait, wait, wait. Who's this friend that he has the balls to do that? What's his deal?

Dude, we would go on like... We would go on Omegle. You ever go on Omegle? I know what that is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we would like flash our nuts at people Like shit Like a ten year old Little boy Be like kids I'd like a sleepover

I like the idea That it wasn't even like a dare It was just like a group A group decision Casual Friday Yeah we we were showing his basement dude we would do that and then he just pulled up two girls one i'm gonna be honest i think i pulled it up i don't think anyone wanted to watch it yeah and you watched and you almost like threw up in your mouth i feel like you got to do that stuff though man man. To be like relatable.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to put yourself through the trenches. I'm asking kids in middle school. I'm like, you guys. What's like the equivalent of that now? Because there's so much crazy shit now. Dude. I know Mr. Hands came out.

I never saw that one. What's that? I think some dude gets raped by a horse. Oh. And it's cock is like 30 inches, dude. those things are huge yeah yeah yeah but dude i think they're like the black guys of animals i think that guy died though so they took it down the horse or the guy i think uh the guy from the uh from the whole experience yeah dude yeah i can imagine that yeah that shit'll come out your mouth.

But, dude, that was like, there was like that one time, what was it, like Jake Paul or something went to like the suicide like. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Forest. Was that in like Korea or some shit? Yeah, whatever. Jew? No, Japan. The Jew forest.

Went to the Jew forest. Yeah. That's what I call my gooch. Yeah. What do you think like the worst things you've. What is like the worst thing you've ever seen? Are you like sensitive to shit? Sensitive?

Like if you're like with a dude and like you're going to watch a movie or something, are you like picky about like what you're going to watch? No, I don't care really. Really? No. What do you like into though? Like personally or like when I'm with a guy? No, no. Cause like if I'm going to watch a movie with a a guy I'll never do like a movie I like cause they always ruin it

so I'll do like a it's like you don't show anybody your favorite songs you don't even give hints or anything no you just let him fucking take the wheel baby you're just trying to figure out if he's got like leadership qualities

I'm like he for you. You're just trying to figure out if he's got like leadership qualities. I'm like, he's not typing masculine enough. He's just spelling everything wrong. Yeah. Dude, a guy spelling something wrong on a first date is wild. Can you imagine? Like what type of words are we talking like? Like semi-big words. Like throughout.

What type of words are we talking like? Like semi-big words. Like throughout. Like if he had to Google throughout and he went T-H-R-U, I'd be like, oh boy. Oh, yeah. This guy's got a fat cock and no chromosomes. Yeah. Well, a lot of people have trouble spelling.

I went to a... I wouldn't say that. Maybe the people you hang out with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I can't even read. Yeah, John texted me before I came in. He goes, when you're at the apartment, buzz number one, do you know how to read? Just making sure. Well, dude, people have been going to the other one.

And they're like, is Johnny here? My neighbors are like, what the fuck, dude? But yeah, dude, no, I went to a college, bro. The acceptance rate was like 80%, I think. Yeah, where'd you go? Johnson and Wales. I've never heard of that. Yeah.

It's like kind of a culinary school, but I went for fucking finance, dude. Smart. Yeah. It was like 20 minutes away from my house. It was like kind of easy. That's sick. But dude, I didn't realize that the acceptance rate was so high uh so when i took like an english class there like we would have to like proofread each other's papers dude and i was like proofreading this chick's paper dude and no joke she would like

spell shit wrong and write backwards like hieroglyphics i thought like i was in the davinci code dude it's fucking crazy bro i was literally asking people around me I'm like yo yeah am I fucking seeing she's got like star signs star signs she's like a bunch of dicks and like fucking pound signs yeah I'm bad at math though like really bad oh yeah me too we don't even need to know math dude no not anymore got like chat gpt and shit or asians yeah you got a lot of asian friends like four are they good at math yeah i'm not gonna have an asian friend that's not good at math i had an asian friend that was fucking retarded really yeah like downsy. He would just like blow shit up and like hate it's cool. Sounds awesome. That's your kind of guy.

What's his deal? You would have loved him. He blew shit up? Like how big? He would blow up mailboxes and like ghost ride his bike into people's houses at like two in the morning. Oh, that's psycho. That's mischief night. That's crazy. you gotta rest dude we snuck into a junkyard we were like throwing rocks through windows and shit and then he hops

in this car dude it's a fucking ford taurus and he just turns the ignition and the car starts yeah dude he starts driving it around the junkyard goes like 40 miles an hour into another car yeah like blows out his shoulder and he was playing uh tick tock by kesha that song so we like dipped and then he went back the next day to like run it back and the cops were just waiting he like could have gotten away with it But he wanted to run it back Yeah I mean I got away with it Yeah Sometimes you really fuck around and find out

Yeah I'm like dude I'm not going back there bro You know What are you doing Wait why do you have to go back to Philly though I don't I just don't have a new apartment here yet Oh so you're just like looking Yeah

It's kind of gay I guess I can't see you with a roommate You think you could have one or no No Yeah You just throw hands and shit No I guess. I can't see you with a roommate. You think you could have one or no? No. Yeah. You just throw hands and shit? No, I just like bring a lot of guests back.

Oh, really? Yeah. A lot of dudes? Sometimes, yeah. Just living on, what is it like living alone? You get lonely sometimes? No, I love it. Really?

Yeah. Kind of seems sick. I feel like you'd be fine living on your own. You're pretty. Probably, yeah. In your solitude. I'd probably just fart you'd be fine living on your own. You're pretty in your solitude. I'd probably just fart too much, dude. For your own good?

I think I would just fart so much that I would lose my sense of smell. And then people would come over and be like, dude. What the fuck? You have a cheese factory in here? Yeah, that's what my car's like, dude. I'd buy like 30 packs of fucking those tree air fresheners. Oh, dude. Yeah, but that's a bad smell on its own. You think so? Yeah. I think it depends

on the scent. If you get like the new car scent, dude, those suck. How do they make that smell? Like what do you just... That's a good question. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like how do you make something smell like something else? Yeah, it's probably just like fucking AIDS. Like do you think someone who...

It's the best answer for everyone oh yeah what if there's somebody that works at the dealership that like the aids dealership a raids rover i don't know but you say you say a rage rover i tried to do a's in range it was super hard yeah you're fucking dyslexic dude this dude who had a rav4 once in college dude he like drove us to a party and he said uh he screamed to the top of his lungs yo hop in the rave for her dude he was in a relationship of like 20 years i was like this guy's the fucking man dude yeah to

have that much confidence driving around in a rav4 dude calling a rave four yeah that's a reliable car dude but you can't be saying shit like that if you could have any car what car would it be i mean they got a new fucking uh ford bronco dude okay i might just fucking listen to like some old uh i might watch some like old oj highlights the killing or football he should put out like killing highlights yeah that'd be sick what type of music in the background you think uh for you yeah like what's in the highlights like is there like you know how they make like fucking sports highlights yeah and there's like let's go by trick Daddy playing in the background.

I'm not familiar with Trick Daddy. Oh, really? Oh, dude. You would love Trick Daddy. What does it sound like? Yeah, if you're going to play with yourself, dude, play with yourself to Let's Go by Lil John and Trick Daddy. I like Lil Wayne. He's my guy.

Oh, yeah. Lollipop. Let me lick the wrapper. That's how it goes. That's a great song. He's a tremendous writer. Yeah. I like his older music.

Not really like his new music. Yeah. Listen to Got Money while I'm fucking maxing out on calf raises at the gym, dude. What's a calf raise just like this? Yeah. Yeah. Nobody hits calves, though. That's why it's funny.

Oh, okay. It's kind of gay, too. Yeah. Well, yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah. Yeah. Do people you see in the gym shave their chest and you go, you're gay? Yeah. Yeah.

There's a few dudes that wear, like, cutoffs, and you can see their nipple. Yeah. And you can tell that they shave their chest and shit. Yeah. Because I don't think any man naturally doesn't have hair on their chest. There's no way. Yeah. It's like like who'd you

evolve from a fucking stone like butter yeah what are you a butter man hey you're fucking yeah um but yeah dude that was uh how was gang fest oh dude that fun. That was a good time. Really? Yeah. What do you do? I did some shows. That's it? Yeah. Fucking give me something to do. I leave. It's in Vegas. Yeah, yeah.

People were gambling, shit like that. Yeah, I did shows. It was hot. You would have liked it. On the way back to the hotel, there was this big dumpster, but it was huge. And it was women wrestling. And they were all wrestling each other. Inside?

No, it was outdoors. No, they were in the dumpster, though? In the dumpster. Wow. So they were trapped? Yeah. Wow. That's a big dumpster, dude.

But they were women that looked like men. How do you see inside the dumpster? It was low. It was like a show it was like in the middle of the the bullshit oh some like gladiator type shit yeah exactly oh shit yeah you watch it no what were you watching what was like your favorite part uh uh of the trip yeah well no Well, no, like the favorite, like, event. Uh, uh, there was, like, jiu-jitsu shit. Like, are you going? Well, I did, yeah. I mean, Tim Butterly, gorgeous.

Yeah. Sean Malay, beautiful man. Yeah, I heard he did pretty well. He fucking crushed that shit. Really? Yeah, he was, it was rigged. He was really good. He should have won.

Wait, how was it rigged? What happened? Well, the guy who was competing was, like, the owner of the whole fucking thing that was lewis yeah wait so you think he won i think so no one got tapped out like it went the whole thing uh i don't know how long they i don't know the rules but yeah i just watched the opening of their shirts and called it a day yeah just flicking your bean dude yeah on the fucking balcony dude it was 105 degrees it was so hot so you were like extra wet well yeah not even intentionally yeah yeah you didn't have to do any work dude you were already ready for it was prepped yeah yeah damn that's

pretty sick yeah he uh i don't think sean ever did like jujitsu before either he just kind of like hopped in i think he just googled it and like figured it out which is sick that'd be crazy if i did that dude i just got hard yeah you think people would notice i would yeah yeah you think you'd see it dude i don't get how like you think it's gay you know like when dudes are at the gym or like in sporting events like have you ever seen like a dude make fun of another dude and be like this okay like referencing their cock yeah but it's not in like a sexual environment you know you like like calling say it's a little penis yeah because they can see it like through their pants i've never understood that because it's like dude am i supposed to be like hard right

now but yeah but that's like it gets bigger when it gets hard so why are you you know Yeah like you can be a grower dude You can be a grower for sure Yeah like I remember in football we used to wear like really like spandexy pants Yeah And you could just see everyone's cock dude Yeah You know flaccid

Yeah But it's like why does it matter until we hit the showers For sure Oh dude you're from PA, dude. How'd you feel about Sandusky? Damn, dude, that was a big one. Really? That was tough.

I can't believe I've never asked you that. Yeah. No, I remember that. I was like, what the hell? How old were you when that shit went down? What was it, like 2010? Maybe. And then I was nine wow yeah so they were probably treating you like better than giving you like special benefits and shit yeah well he did it to boys yeah but still which was kind of like interesting did you guys get like the inside scoop of it no i just know he like

fucked boys in the bathroom that like all they wanted to do was play football dude i don't even know really what happened yeah i just know that it's like kind of funny but it's not at the same time it's like kind of funny but it's like damn dude like we like you know what i mean like like we joke about it because we don't know what actually happened it's like when someone really funny bombs it's like shit it's like the stove's hot you know you can only make fun of it a little bit yeah you know yeah i don't know what went down in those showers dude but i just sometimes i think about something not holy yeah but dude i wonder if he was like kind of like getting the boys going

in there you know what i mean yeah like uh making them aroused the children like i just wonder if he like sometimes i think about like him like running into the open showers with like a boom box and like fucking hard-boiled eggs and shit that's what gets you going yeah that's it it's just like you know you need a bitch that makes like beef like like you need a lady that can like fucking like hammer some meat oh yeah yeah yeah with like a wooden mallet yeah she wears like a uh like a bib and shit and nothing else or is it a bib or like an apron or a hijab yeah yeah she just wears like a kkk outfit she's dressed as salt and pepper yeah no i'm just saying dude like

all that shit was premeditated yeah so i wonder I wonder if he was thinking like, you know, if we win this game, I'm going to hit the showers hard. Bring like a boombox. Yeah. Maybe some snacks. What if you had to like watch Paw Patrol to like get on their level, you know? Paw Patrol? Well, to like, you know what I mean? Like to woo them, you know? Is that like a cartoon? It's like a kid show. Really? Yeah. I think that was past my time. I've heard about it, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that what you're watching? It's like Cartoon Dog really yeah i think that was past my time i've heard about it though yeah yeah you is that what you're watching it's like cartoon dog it's on now for real man are you watching that i don't watch be honest with me you look like somebody would like cry to like fucking naruto no dude i know what that shit is yeah and uh are you do you watch that anime shit i mean naruto

is actually pretty good that's what they all say. Yeah. No, dude, I'm like anti all that shit. For real? I think it's weird, man. You're just like jagging off of The Sopranos still? Just the intro. Yeah.

What's the fucking intro? Woke up this moment. I still haven't even watched it, dude. Really? It's so good. I just don't want to watch it because everyone's watched it. So it's like, I don't, you know. Yeah, but you would like it.

I don't know, man. I just finished Better Call Saul. That was amazing, amazing too it's a pretty old show yeah that's like so anticlimactic but it's like so engaging it's so good like i can't even remember what happened in that show but i just remember it being like good i just watched midnight mass dude what's that midnight ass dude have you ever seen uh yeah dude i What's that? Midnight Ass. Dude, have you ever seen, uh... Dude, I fucking crushed that. Dude, they have, like, all these... It's always, like, the same cast. Okay. But they, uh...

They did, like, The Haunting of Hill House. Oh, shit, I watched that. Yeah. That was pretty good. They have, like, three different shows on Netflix. They're all pretty good, but this one was kind of gay, dude. It didn't even make sense. Dude, I think I've seen the other ones you're referring to. Yeah, Haunting a Hill House, wicked good.

Yeah. Yeah, Midnight Mass. And then there's one more, dude. They're all like horror. I know what you mean. There's that chick and she's like in all of them. Yeah. She's like a long face.

I'm trying to remember like what. Yeah, I can't remember the name of the third one. It might have been the best one. It's like some dude sitting down with a black dude talking about like how he died. Okay. I think it's called. That's like basically what's going on here. I think it's called like anal in the infield.

Is that the sequel To Field of Dreams Yeah Baseball to me Is so gay And so long I mean the Phillies Are in the playoffs dude No that's good though

That we like So that's not gay No that's straight as hell I don't think the playoffs Are gay But the regular NBA regular season Is gay dude

Baseball regular season's gayer than aids yeah playoffs are sick yeah like if we went to a playoff game you know i would remember that for the rest of my life dude you know yeah i went to a playoff game dude in uh boston no joke dude this Austin. No joke, dude. This is when like the Red Sox played the Astros. I think it went on for like 18 innings. Really? Yeah. It was so long that I left, went home, ordered a pizza, turned on the game. It was still going on. Yeah. And dude, they hit a walk-off home run and you just saw people at Fenway just like showing their tits yeah dudes were getting blow jobs like it was crazy bro people were going nuts street bj yeah there was like seven blow bangs on national television they didn't know where to put the camera dude it's like it's like abc's covering

all the cars they have to make it larger and larger yeah dude's like NFL fucking red zone. Go for cocks. Yeah. There's blowjobs in the street. You don't like any sports? No, I watch hockey and I watch a lot of tennis. Oh, you're watching hockey, dude? Hockey, tennis,

and then I watch, you know, obviously the Olympics and shit. Special Olympics. Yeah, that's when you and I compete. And then I watch, you know, obviously the Olympics and shit. Special, special Olympics. It's when you and I compete. Imagine you're blind and I'm like, I like strap our wrists together and I take you on the track. I'll fucking run you around like a horse. Oh, yeah.

Would you like that, John? Dude, I'd be fucking sick. Yeah. Even if we did that like tomorrow. My schedule just freed up. You have no idea how happy I just got. I'm going to think about that when I go to bed. It's me fucking pulling you like a dog.

Just hard as a rock. Dude, if you like hit me up one day, like Saturday morning, and you were like, yo, you trying to play tag? Dude, you know how fucking happy I would be? Tag? What if I just hit you with the you're it, find me? I'd be so fucking happy. I did that with a girl once when we were going for a walk. Yeah.

Yeah, there's like this park in Boston, dude. It's where all the biddies walk around. What park? Looking for cock. The Commons? No, it's in South Boston. It's like, I can't remember what it's called. Okay.

It's like a circle. In South Boston, like all the titties live in the same area. Okay. And it's like. Biddy Hill? Yeah, Titty City. Yeah. We did.

She did that. She pulled that. She was like, you're it. And then I, you know. Damn. it wasn't that hard to catch her. But yeah, I just felt it felt magical, man. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Because nobody's doing that shit anymore, dude.

No. Sex isn't mental anymore. Yeah. I've been saying we should start pants and people again. Oh, that's good. Especially women. Yeah. Well, equal trade.

I love knowing like I love seeing penises. Especially women. Yeah. Well, equal trade. I love knowing. Like, I love seeing penises. Your face. What was that face? Dude, what? You had a full, your jaw just unlocked. I just saw what you look like at 68.

I just saw all your teeth. Dude, what did you just say? No, no, no. What's this for? This records the audio, teeth. Dude, what did you just say? No, no, no. What's this for? This records the audio, dude. Oh, okay. I thought you were DJing on the side. I think it's like C4. You're gonna fucking blow us up afterwards, dude.

You keep looking at it, dude. You're fucking autistic. I just don't want to touch it. I hate when people look at that, dude. Well, then don't put it in the center of the whole thing. No, dude. It's cool. It's fucking... It's got lights and shit no it's pretty i like it why are you saying you like cocks you know i'm talking about the cable company no no i'm saying that you want to pants women but i want to pants men i just like seeing what everybody looks like naked yeah i think it's interesting and then i could move on you know

do you think you would be into like the naked man stunt what's interesting and then i could move on you know do you think you would be into like the naked man stunt what's that if a dude was like uh you were meeting up for like with a dude to go on a date and you walked into his apartment he was just like naked on the couch no that'd be weird really yeah i want to well that's what happened here today so yeah i tried yeah did a little bit like uh jelking before what's jelking what's of like a jelking Before What's jelking Jelking is like when you like Half jerk off

Oh like You like elongate your cock And like scientifically I guess It's supposed to like make it longer Cause I think your cock is just like a tissue You know I've never tried it but you've blowed your nose in it i've done some research man yeah i think they have machines that do it for you

like a fucking popular machines it's called a microwave dude it's called a mattress uh, it's called two chicken breasts. It's called beef and broccoli. Pigs in a blanket, dude. Yeah, literally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, why you didn't know what that was? What was it called again?

Jelking? Jelking. No, I thought that was like a type of software or something. Yeah, I mean, if you're like hooking up with dudes, they might be doing it before like you show up. You should ask them next time. Well, no, I think they just get hard during, you know, other stuff. Really? Just like conversations? No, not conversations.

Actually, one time I was hooking up with a guy. I was just like sitting next to a guy, and he had my laptop on his lap. I didn't have a TV at the time. He was watching. Did you end up getting a TV? I got a TV. Really? What type of TV did you get? I think it was like a Samsung. Really? Yeah. Solid brand.

Yeah. You can get TVs from Matt Chief, dude. Pretty good channels on that shit. Yeah. So what did he do with your laptop? But we were just watching, like just watching a show and maybe his arm was around me or something. But then the laptop started like lifting. I thought it was like a ghost. Holy shit. And it was an erection so he's packing heat yeah but not really

it wasn't that good sex you're like a mac mini or something no it's like the regular it's an ipad you should have sent that to apple dude they probably would have paid you some money my iMac keeps getting erections well dude that would have like really like boosted their sales For like the weight of it Yeah Do you know how fucking lightweight our Macs are? Look at this guy's fucking boner Steve Jobs shoots himself in the face

Yeah So it wasn't He was gay It was gay. What were we talking about? Joking. Joking. Oh no. I keep having thoughts too. And like, I forget, I think I'm like in like onset dementia or something. Damn. That's what like scares me a little bit. Yeah. You ever like talking to someone, dude, and you like have a good like a good point yeah and then you forget and then you just get scared a little dude you want to hear something crazy bro i just remembered sure ready dude so this guy uh booked me on a show like last week or whatever just like a shitty show yeah so i show up it's at saint mark's comedy club

sure and he's like yeah man I think we have to cancel the show he was like we couldn't sell enough tickets and I'm like all right man it's all good I'll just go to a mic or something yeah he's like yeah man just like you know like give it like 10 minutes or whatever dude so somehow he sells like five tickets for like half off or something gets five people to show up yeah like he sent us he sent us the lineup, and I'm, like, basically last on the lineup. So I'm like, dude, I'm going to fucking blast off in this B room. So I hit the B room. Dude, I'm taking, like, one of the biggest shits of my life.

Like, dude, I'm shitting my nuts off, bro. I was, like, almost crying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they have, like, a bidet in there, too. What? Really? It's St. Mark's? Yeah, it's called, like, a Tushy.

So I think it cleans your butt. I don't know if it's, like, a quality i don't know if it's like a quality bidet like right but it still feels pretty good yeah dude so i'm like mid shit and i just hear him on stage and he's like you're gonna love this next guy and he's like keep it going for john psyche and i'm like like shitting my balls off dude dude people in the crowd started laughing because like obviously like you didn't i didn't go up yeah dude but i just like i had to finish my shit and they were like looking for me dude and i just went up on stage and i was like yeah my bad guys i was taking a shit what they what the crowd do i mean a few people laughed yeah like two dudes because they were like that guy shits yeah that guy doesn't care about anything no i didn't feel anything bro yeah i mean

it'd be funny if you're like toilet paper trailing all the way from the hallway um i don't know why man i thought like in that situation though i would have been like crying right you know maybe like a few years ago but i don't know man there's no satisfactory feeling either like after you like remove waste you feel good but that is like such a rush having to go from bathroom where you're vulnerable to on stage where you're even more vulnerable yeah god what a fucking night yeah but everyone's like oh that would have been my nightmare and i'm like dude i wanted it to feel like that yeah Yeah. Like, I wanted to feel it. Yeah.

Like, the sensation of, like, oh, no. In the C6 and C7? Yeah. All right, dude, we get phone calls if you want to take some phone calls. Yeah. Fucking homo. Wait, so who calls? Just, like, random people?

Fans, dude. Damn. Yeah, bro. A lot of them are retarded. Yo, stay like random people? Fans, dude. Damn. Yeah, bro. A lot of them are retarded. Yo, stay humble, John. All right. Let's see what this guy has to say. Hey, Johnny.

Just calling to say what's up. And I got a question for you. So I got this ex-girlfriend who lives in another state with another man, right? And every time she comes home to visit family, she reaches out and she wants to, you know, hook up, right? And morally, I understand that's probably, like, not the best thing to do, but she's also kind of a history cheater, so my reasoning is, you know, she's not going to do it with me. She's not gonna do it with me she's gonna do it with someone else so i just do it but i wanted to know your opinion what do you think i should do

should i just not talk to her again leave her alone next time she calls or just keep doing it all right thanks damn dude these hoes ain't loyal bro no these hoes ain't loyal, bro. No. These hoes ain't loyal, bro. Nobody's loyal. Fuck them. They used to be, dude. Yeah. Like early 2000s, you could really catch a good partner. A traditional woman, yeah.

Yeah, for sure. In the kitchen and shit. Yeah. I just meant not cheating. She could be a teacher. Yeah, I'd say just fuck her. He said it to himself. If not me, she'll just be with someone else so why not enjoy the sex the thing is though he's fueling a fire bro he's basically looking at a forest fire and just

being like fuck it man yeah he's trying to put out a forest fire by going with like a little bit of water yeah um i don't know man i've always been for the boys You know what I mean Like I've had opportunities Where I could have been like Double triggering women But I didn't because I'm loyal to the game You know Or are you afraid of success

Probably a little bit of both I mean my advice is go for it But you're saying Don't do it Probably a little bit of both. I mean, my advice is go for it, but you're saying don't do it, right? I don't know, man. My thoughts have been, I don't know if I'm making it. Are you concussed, bro? Because I don't know if people look up to me, dude. People definitely look up to you. I don't know if people look up to me like, wow, that guy still is for the boys, you know?

Because most dudes hit a certain point where they get whipped and they're like that guy still is for the boys you know because like most dudes hit a certain point where they get whipped and they're like i'm not for the boys anymore yeah but i'm like still going yeah you know so i don't know if i should just but dude every woman's like a whore now so it's like maybe that's just kind of where we're going in society yeah maybe i should just hop on the bandwagon no dude you got to be anti-bandwagon it's true yeah dude i'm like very anti like a lot of shit like i'm not a conformist to like what give me an example just like tiktok and all that bullshit and like because you hate chinese people well i actually have a separate page for that see romy hates it's one of many accounts no um but uh i'm kidding um not at all from philly um if you're on reddit page i'm on reddit dude i look at that shit i

love reddit i found it like i fucking love reddit too dude love reddit so funny oh i love the um aoi am i overreacting and it's like my wife, I'm into cock and ball torture. It's the best. It's so hard not to read those, dude. I read hours, 2 a.m., 3 a.m. You can learn a lot from Reddit, man. Oh, for sure. You can also seriously damage yourself.

My thoughts aren't real anymore. It's all just like Reddit thoughts. Yeah. So if we were dating, like if you and I, when we start dating like if you and i when we start dating sure you're gonna cheat on me no no i'm saying everybody's cheating and i'm a non i wouldn't cheat yeah no what would you do if we were dating yeah like would you be like say you meet a guy with like a fucking hammer you meet him in like new zealand or something he like he's like a surfing instructor and you like know you're about to cheat you're gonna call me and

let me know and then do it well i'm not paying the call from new zealand to new york so you can find out at the airport baby yeah so you would cheat dude no dude i wouldn't i i've never cheated it doesn't like appeal to me i get all this other shit that I'm into. I feel like that's what someone who would cheat would say, though. Because you've got to be like fucking James Bond. No, if someone cheated, it meant nothing. That's what a cheater says. Yeah, it's pretty common, dude.

I don't know, man. I wouldn't be able to handle that emotionally. But I also, like, mentally, like, I'm seven. Like, I don't have the capacity. You know what I mean? You don't think you could live with the guilt? Live with the guilt? No, I just like couldn't do it.

I'm retarded. Yeah, you can like figure out how to do it. I can't do two cocks one time. Okay. I can do one cock one time. All right. That's what seven-year-olds are doing. Seven-year-olds I hang out with?

How do we call Sandusky? Yeah. I don't know, man. If I was in this dude situation at this moment in time in my life, I would have to know who the dude is. Her boyfriend? Yeah. Why?

If it's a good guy, then probably not. But if it's a guy who's a terrible dude, I might get tempted into doing it. Yeah. But I also don't know if I could deal with the guilt. Because this guy's just banging another dude's... Girlfriend. Girlfriend, which is kind of hard to deal with. Yeah.

I'd rather just live with a clean mind, you know? Yeah, me too. Get some loyal pussy. Yeah. That's all I'm looking for, dude. Just some loyal... hard to deal with yeah you know i'd rather just live with a clean mind you know yeah me too get some loyal pussy yeah that's all i'm looking for dude it's just some loyal lp i'm just trying to feel something dude yeah i feel nothing all the time i wonder what this guy feels when he's going at it with this chick like i wonder if he feels like dirty feels dirty yeah it's not his woman i'm trying to feel just straight up intimacy dude yeah fucking listen to what is into intimate yeah that's what intimacy is dude just dyslexia no i can barely read and write yeah i know

i don't know dude i haven't felt it in a while but i remember when i did feel it it just felt like it's good if you could have sex with butter dude it just felt like... It's good. If you could have sex with butter, dude. Yeah. If you could have, not margarine, but, like, straight-up churned butter. Like, if you and I got, like, a slip and slide or something.

Yeah. Just sliding around, dude. Like, am I on top on the slip and slide, or are you on top? I think it's just, like... If we're going down it. It's like an open field day. It's a 3D...

Like, we can go... It's like a square fucking slip slip and slide okay you know basically just a tub filled with churn butter yeah and like fucking classic rocks plan like all the hits and we can just slide around like that's how i imagine intimacy feeling yeah you know it's a good feeling because you're never gonna forget it no like when times are tough you're gonna be like damn do that day out. Yeah, but would you ever want to like choke each other out? Yeah.

Okay, cool. I'm glad we're on the same page. I might start off slow, dude. Maybe like a few RKOs. RKOs? Yeah. Radioactive dog kennel? RKO? Dude, WWE.

Wee, wee, wee? Just look it up, dude. Okay. It's a WWE move, dude. Oh wwe move dude you've never seen rko dude i'll show you after this ko knockout yeah okay i knew that fucking randy orton dude you've never seen those clips where like dudes are doing rkos to each other it's like watch out watch out what is it you haven't described it i'll show you after you're in for a treat after this fucking thing wraps dude i'm gonna put you in the oatmeal john's got about 15 your neck's breaking

that would be so fucking funny it would be funny if i was walking around with new york comedy with a brace and they go how'd you how'd you break your neck and i go john broke my neck that would be so funny that would be scary dude because like no i don't want my neck to break but i do want like fucking i don't want that what is that with women who now want to get choked down no no it's not like something i've always been into it's been something i've been recently been thinking out about is it because you're like hooking up with like union workers and shit like what is that no no it's not like something i've always been into it's been something i've recently been thinking out about is it because you're like hooking up with like union workers and shit fleet week no no no no no no no because they're they're going through a tough time right now dude yeah what is that though like where women are like yeah i really want to get

like put in like a guillotine i don't want that really you want just like a light smack no i don't want to be smacked at all okay i don't want spanked it's fine i mean i'm american after all yeah gotta be a patriot so what are we talking about if you're a woman and someone says guy spank you and you say no like you're kind of like gay yeah take the fucking hit it's not gonna be it's not it doesn't hurt i mean sometimes it really hurts that would suck i've been spanking so hard i couldn't sit for a week that wasn't fun would you do fucking not taking out the trash yeah fucking love a fucking love a hoarder hoarder w-h-o-r-e-d-e-r you spank me daddy

girls are into that daddy that's a big thing i think that's where it all stems from i don't say that i don't that's not my dude my friend i know i'm not gonna say it john come on i just know a lot of dudes man, who were in like relationships with chicks who were like, yo, fucking crucify me and fucking choke out my pussy. It's like if my dog could could talk you're like a human dog you're like a ripped fucking robot dude i asked you a question and you just said like a backward statement you're fucking literally so dude i'm trying to break the simulation no but dude a lot of girls are like into like getting choked out and shit like aggressively

i'm talking like borderline like you're seeing stars dude like WWE, but like real, you know? Yeah. And like a lot of my, not a lot of my, it's just one guy, but usually, yeah, I'm not doing that. No. You know? I think it's like weird if you really want to beat up a woman. That's not good.

It's bad. Dude, just go to an Applebee's. You come to my house start throwing fucking haymakers it's funny the idea of like walking around and be like she could take a hit to the waitress slapple bees

like I'm here to throw some fucking left hooks you should want water with that just do like five to ten. It's just like this, like waitress. Dude. Somebody ran into an Applebee's just throwing haymakers. Who wants a fucking RRK?

They're like fucking like fucking chilies kicked me out. This is a pit stop to Olive Garden. Yeah, this guy's gonna probably keep doing it though, dude. Yeah. Let's see what else we got Hey Johnny, this is Bobby over here in New York I'm curious

I have kind of a fantasy of shaving my partner's bong hole. You know, she's never really wanted me to, but I really want to. So one, I'm curious if you think it's okay to ask. Number two, do you think it's okay to ask if she'll shave mine? All right. Love you guys. Bye. He said bumhole, right?

I heard bunghole. Yeah. Same thing. It sounded like he said bonghole. Now there's an idea. Yeah. Shaving a bong. Why does he want to?

Yeah. It sounds like he's bored. It sounded like he was calling from like under a bed Yeah he said he's calling from New York right Oh damn It's probably upstate Probably next door Yeah

I don't know how he'd bring that up though At like dinner Yeah Maybe dessert Yeah You ever shave the sphincter oh yeah yeah that's all that's all i'm a dolphin baby we all know that yeah but um seems like he wants his bong hole shaved so it sounds like her ass is hairy which women's asses aren't i don't. Yeah, I honestly feel like he wants his wife to shave his ass, and I think the end was

kind of just a lie. Yeah. Just to make him feel, like, better. Isn't it, like, kind of, like, dangerous, though? Like, you could, like, nick the anus? For sure, dude, yeah. Like, I'm picturing, like, a razor. Yeah, if you nick the sphincter, dude...

You're done. You're done, bro. That's colostomy bag town. Yeah, you're not walking the same again. No, you gotta limp five... You're gonna be waddling, dude. Yeah. Yeah. That's dangerous, man. That's colostomy bag town. Yeah, you're not walking the same again. No, you got to limp five times. You're going to be waddling, dude. Yeah. Yeah.

That's dangerous, man. So what's your... I don't know. I think he's just talking about, like, the... Maybe that gets him going, dude, you know? Yeah. Like, he's probably into, like, cake fart videos and shit like that. Oh, yeah.

Like, he's probably watched cake farts, like, 30 times. He probably knows her. Yeah. It's probably his sister. Yeah, I'm not, like, a big butthole guy. No. You know? But I know a lot of people are are I'm not a butthole girl

So Yeah But dude I've seen Yeah I don't know man I would never want a girl Coming near my butt But like

I guess man If you're married dude And you're like trying to Spice it up a little bit It sounds like he really Wants his wife near his asshole Yeah Just like write it down Or something i wonder why he wants it shaved though that's so confusing it's kind of gay honestly dude i wouldn't trust the wife to

shave it may be a professional first yeah but it sounds like he really wants her to do it yeah you know i don't know how that would help the relationship though i think it would not help it. Yeah, I think it would actually probably cause a lot of pain and hardship. Yeah. I'd say cool it with the asshole shaving for now. And then maybe summertime rolls around. That's a good time to ask.

I think you should ease into it. Maybe like moon his wife and just see like how she reacts. Yeah, yeah. Just play it safe and moon your wife. Yeah. You got to take baby steps, man. Yeah. Cause you can't just be having like a gourmet meal and she'd be like, Hey, like, do you

want to shave my ass? Right. You know, unless it was like a meal that kind of reminded you of shaving someone's ass. Like what type of meal would that be? Like scraping skin off chicken. Yeah. You're really trying to like paint a picture. For sure.

You're like, no, you're not thinking hard enough it's a rib eye i don't know dude that would be so hard just playing charades with chicken yeah she's like so tired yeah damn dude all right bro well i think that's it man dude that one that flew by. Yeah, I'm tired, man. I'm so tired right now. What do you have coming up, dude? That's always what you want the host to say after a podcast. No, in a good way. Dude, you fucking make me pass out.

I mean, I was laughing hard, dude. It takes a lot out of me, dude. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, don't be gay. Sorry. What do you... Yeah, you just want to shout out your OnlyFans and shit? I don't know.

Sure, Instagram's Romy Rosner Comedy. You got anything coming up? No. It's gay. Yeah. Wait, so you're just going to live in Philly for, like, how long? I don't know, a month or two. Really?

I got to figure it. I got, like, shows there, so I'm, like, I'm fine. Yeah, you'll be fine. Yeah, and I'm going to come up for shows. Where in Philly do you live? Just outside. So I'm like, I'm fine. Yeah, you'll be fine. Yeah. And I'm going to come up for a show. Where in Philly do you live? Just outside. In the Burbs?

Yeah. You live near Brendan? Donaghan? Donaghan? No, he lives in Jersey. Oh, yeah, that's right. He's the best. Yeah, I think we're going to go golfing soon.

No way. He's the man. Yeah, we're going to start like a channel. No, I want to, I don't know if it's gonna happen but i want to start like a uh like a series where i just golf with comedians that's cool yeah see like how well we can shoot you know so all right dude thank you for coming thanks for having me thank you guys for listening peace