The Johnny Salami Podcast - Ryan O'Toole

Episode Date: March 27, 2023

Ryan O'Toole by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbor's lawn. Yeah. Hahahaha Well I love you madly dear, and I need you badly dear. Why did you leave me here, without your love? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, bro, I'm hurting. Dude, it's around here. It's strictly fat chicks and dudes. Yeah.

Dude, I've never seen one. Oh, I thought you were talking about ass. Ass? Yeah, that's what i thought you were talking about ass ass yeah that's what i thought you're talking about you thought fatties but fat asses well it does really yeah you know i heard fatties is like a term uh i'm pretty sure fatties is a term from boston it's like yeah there's multiple words there's homonyms to it but like i thought i thought there was like i thought that's what you're talking about so if you were with your

boys and you were in like a circle not like a circle jerk but like a circle you guys were hanging out yeah and you were like yo guys you trying to hit on some fatties later no you wouldn't use it in that sense you would be like oh she had fucking fatty. But if the plan was like to go out and to get some... Oh, yo, let's go talk to some fucking broads. That's what it is. Like when it's just, you know. Hell yeah, dude. Let's go grab some...

I respect that, dude. Fuck yeah. That would be like the appropriate sentence. You would say that with a straight face, too. What do you mean? What do you mean? I don't know. I couldn't see my like i would probably laugh

like if you said that to me well let's go get some fucking broads like with a straight face dude i would i'd be like this guy's fucking broad is one of those words like it's another one i didn't realize was like it's not a bad word because like like i know women that are like tough broads like i think it's think it's not disrespectful to them. It's not any... I wouldn't want to disrespect a tough broad because it punched me in the fucking face. But I don't think of it as...

I don't know. I don't think of it as bad of a word as a lot of people... No, because I didn't even know it was a thing. We use it... I grew up using that word regularly. You know what i mean it wasn't like a bad word you know like there's a like you know i would like speaking of friends very close friends i'd say i fucking love that bro i think i think it depends on the amount of confidence you have to going into it i had a buddy in college dude i

don't think you need confidence when it's not a bad like to me like i think it has a different meaning to a lot of other people than it does to me i never had that like negative meaning of that word until i was like 25 because you think it's like geographical because like dude i had a buddy he was like 300 pounds in college and he would walk up to like the hottest chicks and groups and just be like what's up you fucking cunts well i mean that's like that's one step under hitting a woman i mean that's like that that's not what i'm doing at all but he was fat and he said with confidence so it's like well if you were good looking and you like well cunt isn't i mean any word really what if she likes it dude some chicks like that man when you like you know you hate fuck them i've never done

it personally but i've heard stuff i thought we were talking about talking about girls you crank this shit up huh yeah dude i'm just free balling it dude yeah you gotta do what you gotta do you're saying it's geographical though dude like i don't know if it's geographical or if it's whatever but it wasn't like i don't know i i just like like i but i get the other side too like because i've also i've never called a woman a bitch i like i'd be like oh that's like i like i have but those they were being like it was in an argument but i would never refer to like a group of girls i don't know like oh this fucking bitch like it's like it's not part of my vocabulary you know wasn't raised like that all that shit whatever but like i would like i would say like oh it's i like that broad you know what i mean like it's kind of like i don't to me it's

like broad dude kid bro like it's just in that family of words to me you're blowing my mind right now dude this should be a fucking ted talk dude well it's just like you know it's like it's like every you know what i mean it's like it's just i don't know like but some people have it but yeah i don't know yeah but you call them fatties though so it's like what's really you know what's well let's not stray off of that like that's the wild thing so five trulies go to the bar fatties yeah man you just kind of talk to dudes about your feelings and stuff and then you start to get sad because you're like you know know, what am I doing, man? When you're drinking? Yeah, for sure. I mean, dude, if you're surrounded by, you know, like a bunch of tits and like bad decisions, you know, it's always a good time.

But there's just a bunch of hairy dudes around you and a bunch of fat chicks who are like altering their image. You know, you start to get that mindset where you're like, I could be at home playing Warzone, probably fucking popping off with my boys, dude. Do you have Warzone in here? Yeah. Alright. I haven't played Call of Duty in years. Let's fire up the sticks after this. Well, I mean, we can't.

I mean, we can try, I guess. What do you mean we can't? I thought you said you have Warzone in here. It's multiplayer, dude. It's not like PlayStation back in the day where you can just, like, play Need for Speed Hard Pursuit 2. Then let's switch off on the sticks. I want to get a game of Call of Duty. I haven't played fucking Call of Duty in forever. We you can just like play Need for Speed Hot Pursuit 2. Then let's switch off on the sticks. I want to get a game of Call of Duty. I played fucking hard in forever.

We should drink like 13 beers. I'm not drinking tonight. No way. Actually, I already drank a little today. Yeah. Really? Just a little. During the day?

Yeah. Just get like a little buzz going? A little bit. I had a beer and I had a leftover of, I had like a beer and I'd say half of Manhattan. Okay. Just like that. So you're the type of dude who can just like have a few beers and just like be fine. Yeah.

I've learned to do that though. Yeah. I used to not be able to. And I think the last few years I've really learned to do that. Take me back, dude. I used to drink and just not stop until I went to bed regardless of what day i i still will if the occasion calls for it like if it's appropriate i will like if i'm like especially when i'm back home and like watching the pats or whatever i'll drink from once i get to my buddy's house until

i go to bed but i don't have that the thing is now i don't have the time to do it now you know i used to when i used to just like bartend and fuck around i could like do it all the time but now i'm all the time you're chasing your dreams dude nah but when you're saying with the boys you drink a fuck ton with the boys yeah yeah when i'm back home dude yeah really yeah what would happen like if like when the pats won the super bowl you were probably like a few times yeah went wild a few times. Yeah, we went crazy. What'd you do? Just partied in my house like hot. Really? Yeah.

What does that mean? We, like, everyone would pretty much, like, for the Super Bowls and shit, like, we watched the last three Super Bowls at my house in Peabody. And, like, we, bro, I mean, the amount of booze we just had to start off to watch the game would be good. I used to, for those big games, I can't really drink a lot, even when I get nervous. You know what I mean? But it'd be so much alcohol.

And then, I mean, some of those nights, like the night they beat Atlanta was like the best fucking night of my life. You know? I remember I got a case. I thought I jinxed it, dude. I remember like the Friday before I picked up a case of champagne. I was like, oh, if we went on Fridayiday i want to have a bottle of champagne for everyone so i got like 12 bottles of champagne and i remember i forgot i had them out there until like an hour after the game i remember i brought those in and we just you know fuck dude yeah damn dude there's nothing

better than that man when you buy something and you forget yes yes yes bro because i was like the whole i remember thinking the whole weekend i'm like dude i bought this fucking champagne they're gonna lose the game and there'll be a champagne there'll be just that reminder in my backyard just not letting me emotionally evolve you know what i mean and i remember thinking about it when they were losing in that game and then we partied for like an hour and we're just so like overwhelmed like i couldn't and then i remember it just came to my head randomly. Like we were crushing beers and making drinks. Everyone in my house, like my mom, everyone, like seven of my buddies, like we're just

going mental. And I was like, dude, I have an entire case. I was like, I can't wait to go outside and just give this to everybody. You know what I mean? It was great. I feel like a fucking hero. Yeah. It was a great surprise and everyone was so happy.

It was a very emotional moment in my household because we were super i mean we're super invested in that team every year but especially that year we were very emotionally invested yeah like every game you're just every single game you're crunching the numbers and every game emotions are fucking flaring dude big sports fan not that big no i don't gamble or anything like that but i like to watch sports by myself dude yeah not in a weird way i just like to i do it i literally watch sports by myself every single night yeah man i can't like i never got into like going out to the bar and like i could never watch it's a better experience when you're not around that shit yeah like i watched the atlanta

game i mean dude i fucking cranked one out by myself. I don't blame you. I didn't even, I like, I no contact ejaculated during that battle. Like, I just, you know. Dude, I literally watched the game by myself on my couch, fucking big screen TV in front of me. Yeah. Whole game, I was like, there's no way we're winning. But I just stayed, I just fucking fought it out. Dude, they fucking won dude

cranked one out dude and just went to bed dude it was fucking amazing i thought about that night for like four weeks did you have that after they won like for the next like month dude i was like there's no way that happened bro i remember that like after a few hours i couldn't believe it that i re before i went to bed that night i remember my friends with a couple of my friends left and a few of my friends stayed over my house that i moved ham it i rewound it and like rewatch the game again before I went to bed at like four and five in the morning, maybe because I could not believe I actually couldn't believe that that

happened because like, it's like when you watch a close sport, like when you watch like a game like that, I didn't enjoy one second of that entire game until it was over in the Patriots one, like all those great plays. Yeah. They're amazing and stuff, but like I couldn't even go back and like watch highlights because

I would still get nervous for like a while you know but yeah I couldn't think I like I remember like just having conversations with like random people and be like I cannot believe we like dude months after that game but especially like the month after I was like this is like a long dream or I'm on a drug right now. Like something's. It's one of those moments where you're like, dude, I might actually be high right now. Yeah. I might have fucking sniffed some pain or something. I couldn't. Yeah.

Yeah. But like, dude, what's scary about those sports moments is if you're a big sports fan, the celebration after. Oh. Like, dude, if you're cocked, like the willingness to do anything. Yes. Like. Yeah. No, I know. I mean, I. i yeah that's why i'm happy i'm

by myself and sober because dude if i was like 15 you just said you drink once a month no i'm saying like if i saw that game at a bar and i was like oh yeah deep and there was a bunch of people around me and everyone was like you know jump off this table and fucking put yourself in a headlock like with a boner dude my problem is being in situations like that especially for like giant games is like you deal with so much morons that like you i can't control myself where it's like when i listen to someone i listen to people talk all day i mean 85 i wouldn't say 85 but a lot of the stuff that comes out of my mouth i don't know what I'm talking about. But when I hear someone talk about sports and they don't know what they're talking about, especially when they're talking about like my teams and specific things, that's like probably the only way I would ever get in a physical altercation for the rest of my life.

Really? Yeah. I recently, I was at a Giants game, but I wasn't in there. I was just hanging out at the tailgate. And there's a fucking, there's like a sports book, like attached to the stadium pretty much. Like you got to walk, but, and I go, I want to watch the Patriots. I didn't want to, I wasn't going into the game and I'm like,

I don't want to party. I want to watch the Pats. So I walked over, I went to the Pats. And there was this big play in the game where it was like a catch, like a ball extension thing. Everyone and their mothers commented on it. They're all gambling. I'm not gambling. I'm just watching the game where it was like a catch like a ball extension thing everyone and their mothers commenting on it they're all gambling i'm not gambling i'm just watching the game and like i was arguing with this fucking moron fat fuck from new jersey about the rules of a cat and it's of course a challenged play or whatever and i'm like i'm not even gonna fucking talk to you because you're such a moron you don't even know what's gonna and then the play gets overturned and i

was correct about everything and i was like i'm acting like an asshole you know what i mean like why am i doing this you know what i mean why am i even sitting here with these fucking imbeciles yeah so that's why i i it's safer for me and it's just a better overall viewing experience as well when i just watch it at home yeah i share your sentiment as far as like because dude you just see every play man you're like emotionally invested and like you know but games i don't give a fuck about i like watching games like when i'm out and just randomly watching a game i like that i enjoy that yeah i mean sometimes dude i won't even like think about like the past few seasons i haven't even really been emotionally invested i've just thought about

random shit every play yeah like if mac jones just fucking threw it like full speed off the fucking like just fires it at full speed off the fucking like. Just fires it at some kid in the third row. He's going to get pissed at Joe Judge and just fucking launch a football at some kid from Hingham. Dude, my attention span, I mean, everyone's has kind of diminished. I think it's like eight seconds, but mine is like. You average, you know what your attention span actually is. I just know it's going down.

And I think it's, you know, I attention span actually is. I just know it's going down. Sure. And I think it's, you know, I think everyone's is. Definitely. For sure. They're like, we need an explosion. We need something crazy to fucking happen right now. A hundred percent. That's how I feel with sports sometimes, you know?

Yeah, see, I don't. Sports is something to me where it's like, it's truly like meditative in a sense where it's like probably the only thing left that it'll turn my brain. The only form of entertainment left that'll really turn my brain off. Not football. I mean baseball. I'm happy they can do steroids again.

Oh, I wish. Yeah, I really wish they could do. I want them to do 1997 steroids. I think they can. I've had this talk with like a few people yeah and i think there's a rule now it's like you can just take steroids i spoke with someone who was is a major league baseball player and uh he was telling me that everyone in the league was on adderall and this guy at the time was in the league for uh probably six seven years at the time was in the league for probably six, seven years at the time when I used to talk

to him because I used to ask him about shit and the team he was on and stuff like that. And then I was thinking, why wouldn't you be on five games for Adderall especially if you're a fucking bada? Yeah. They're all boozing hard

which helps with baseball. It does lower the tension. You know? Yeah, I mean, they're all boozing hard, which helps with baseball. You know, you can, like, fucking. Yeah, it does lower the tension. You know what I mean? Baseball, it is fun when you're playing a game and you're just drinking beers, dude. You got to know your, like, liquor for sure, man. Especially with baseball, dude. We had a kid show up to our high school baseball practice fucking, like.

I miss when kids in high school used to just show up to like daytime events shit-faced, dude. That was my favorite. Kids showed up. Did he go to school that day? Yeah. He showed up like

eight Budweiser's deep. What time was it? What time was it? What time was it? Like 3.30 in the afternoon. Was he drunk at school? Did he get out of school? He was for sure drunk at school. Probably just shouting shit out in class.

He was playing third base, dude. Yeah. Literally just took like three to the chest. And then, dude, he would pick the ball up fucking throw it a second base when he should be the first you threw it

dude fucking so far over the first base how long till the coaches found out fucking five seconds. They were like, this kid's fucking shit. Dude. What? Did he tell them?

Were they like, dude, you're fucking drunk? Oh, dude. He kept trying so hard. Dude, we all thought... I'm fucking coughing. Dude, we all thought he was trying to be funny. Like, when he threw the ball. Like, we thought he was, like, purposely, like, trying to throw it in the road.

Yeah. He was just fucking... Did he tell anyone he was drinking? Oh, dude, fucking... If I was he was drinking oh dude fucking if i was like you know if i was fucking 12 years old i'd be like something how old were you no i'm just saying like dude it was it was obvious he was shit you're in high school right what grade was he in senior in high school dude i was a junior yeah we were just taking reps at third base like doing infield out yeah yeah but dude i felt bad he just kept taking it off

the chest picking it up and throwing into the stands did he get in trouble what happened not in trouble but the coach is like all right you know take it easy man like you know go take a breather so what did he do did he come back to practice i think he went on the bench and just sat there and watched yeah kid was fucking sloshed it's a safety hazard dude getting drunk was so much different when you were like that age because it was like when you add in like that thrill of like not being allowed to drink and you're not supposed to be drunk and like all that shit it's almost like doing another drug in its own you know what i mean like it's like a totally different thing we like i can't be like visible like right now i could walk around shit-faced and no one gives a fuck you know but

like back when you like i remember i went to school drunk a couple times and like wiring i'm like if they know i'm drunk i'm gonna get like in trouble or something yeah you know it's just the thrill dude and it's also it's the funnest part about it. It's like taking a shit for the first time, dude. You're just like, what is this? You're new to it. What's the furthest back? What's the earliest you remember taking a shit? 9-11. You remember shitting on 9-11?

100%, dude. Me and Dave were talking about this. Took a shit in my neighbor's yard on 9-11? 100% dude. Me and Dave were talking about this. Took a shit in my neighbor's yard on 9-11. Yeah? Yeah. It was a fucking duplex. Yeah. Took a shit on their lawn.

Why did you do that? It was my first time not wearing diapers. How old are you? Four. Four? diapers i just had how old are you four i don't i never remember it's weird with me because i was like potty trained my entire life like the day i came home from the hospital i was pissing and shit and like any shit i was in like urinals and toilets so it's like yeah but i feel like four years old is like old for that i think i was

like borderline retarded until like a few months that. I think I was, like, borderline retarded until, like, a few months ago. Are you sure about that? Are you sure you had that breakthrough a few months ago? I mean, I give it a few-month leeway, but we all know, you know? But, like, back then, dude, just reckless. Like, I mean, dude, if I'm wearing spider-man underwear and like taking shit like so do you remember 9-11 like i remember like watching the fucking newscast for sure yeah it was a big moment because like dude everyone was like crying and like

yeah people were freaking the fuck out i'm taking a shit like it's like something you remember but like dude obviously i was so young i don't remember it vividly yeah but i remember the bits and pieces of it no you know what i'm saying so all i can tell is my my story no i didn't mean like if you remember 9-11 like when it happened i mean like do you remember it like on a random monday and like july oh like do i pay my respects like did you forget fuck now dude okay i'm just making sure no dude put i'll put some fucking respect on that dude just just making sure how about you yeah i never like when they said 9-11 never forget i've never forgot it there's like i feel like two percent of my brain that just loops 9-11 like it's just cnn on 9-11 just so i don't forget about it

hell yeah dude that's what it's all about bro yeah never forget man what were we talking about i have no fucking i literally have no idea oh we're talking about alcohol dude oh yeah younger yeah alcohol when you were a kid, when you weren't supposed to. You have a fake ID? Yeah, I had two. Nice. Ordered two from this website, and they both got taken within two months. Yeah, they get taken.

I think Newport, the- Fancy place in Rhode Island? Yeah, they have this St. Paddy's Day parade, and I just walked into, like, a fucking club. Mm-hmm. And I was just like, how you doing? This dude just, like,

took my ID and fucking snapped it in half. Really? What state was your ID from? Connecticut, I think. Yeah. How about you? I had...

So I had an... I had an ID that someone gave me to like one of my buddies gave me when i was like 17 i think i was 17 he gave me an id just so i could like buy blunts and play the lottery and then we needed to buy beers one night and i was like let me see if this fucking thing works and it did but i got that taken away from me i fucking got caught by the cops one night drinking and they took my wallet and uh have you ever been arrested before no i don't think so no yeah i'm not that you can remember no yeah i don't i've had like i've had a like that that was that id when i got taken away which is i don know, a few months later or something, I was like drinking a beer at school.

And, uh, it was like the football game. I was, I was in like the parking lot where the football game was. And I was like just drinking a beer. And they fucking, I was,

they fucking flew in and they knew I was drinking. I was like, dude, they acted like we had Coke in the car. They're like searching it. And I'm like, dude, I'm just having a,

I remember telling the car, I'm like, I'm just having a couple of fucking beers. Yeah. And, uh, I was pissed, dude dude I was fucking heated dude I was like that was my idea and then I remember he was trying to tell me he's like where'd you buy that where'd you get this where'd you get this I'm like I'm gonna fucking tell him like I'm like oh I go I found it and

then he told me about the that was he's talking about then the ID said the same thing I go I found it on the street i go i was just gonna put it in the mailbox i go i just found it here and i had to go to court for it and stuff so if you grew up in mass were you throwing fucking haymakers at lunch fighting yeah no i got my ass kicked too i was i've i've fought but did you play any sports at all did you play i played my freshman year of football i played freshman year of high school football. It fucking sucked. I hated it.

The only reason I didn't quit is because I was like, oh, I'm not going to quit on the team. But I fucking hated every second of it. Really? That's so interesting. I played Little League and Salty. I never wanted to play past Little League. I loved baseball, too. I fucking loved it.

But I liked playing it with my friends. I didn't like Little League that much. I'm glad.'ve I mean I made some of the best friends to this day some of the best friends in my life playing it but like as far as like actually playing it I always enjoyed like wiffle like we played wiffle ball and shit that's what I liked you know fuck yeah dude dude that's so interesting man like not being a dick but like dude you fucking love the Patriots and you love NFLfl football but you hated playing i just think i hated like the organization of it where it was like i don't know maybe i just never had coaches that gave a fuck or like things like that you know it

just wasn't for me like it just wasn't like bro it's just the same way people love television and stuff and they don't want to be an actor yeah until i found like improv and acting and stuff then i was like oh this is what i was supposed to be doing as a kid. But that doesn't... I still, I'll watch... Dude, I'll watch... Tomorrow, I'm waking up for the Manchester City game. You know what I mean?

7 a.m., I'm waking up for it. So I still, I love watching sports, but I just never... But I still, I'm like, don't let me fool you. I can throw a football like 55 yards. I got a cannon for now. NFL, I'm telling you, I can throw like a decent pass like within 35 yards like i can i'm pretty accurate like a tight

fucking spiral yeah i have like a good every time i put every time i throw a football with someone they're like dude you can really throw the ball i just like i but i yeah i don't know i just think if you had the right coaches and like uh emotional support you think you could like enjoyed it you think it was like enjoyed it you think it was like the environment you were in i don't know probably just always wanted to be doing other shit sometimes i had fun like randomly but as far like i i do remember i had fun like playing on like a couple basketball leagues like one basketball league in particular when i first moved to the suburbs and uh that was like fun but like other than that, like, I just, I'm like, I have just as much fun fucking around with my friends.

I'm going to be honest with you, dude. Like, I played football and. What position? I mean, dude, I played line, like, offensive and defensive line. I tried playing linebacker one year. Too slow. Because I was just, like, ripping the weight room. Like, I was fucking benching.

Yeah. I was just lifting, like, insane weight for my age. And I just walked up to the coach and I was like, hey, can I play linebacker? And he was like benching. Yeah. I was just lifting, like, insane weight for my age. And I just walked up to the coach, and I was like, hey, can I play linebacker? And he was like, yes. But I'm, like, borderline retarded. So, like, fucking, dude. No idea what I was doing. Like, I fucked up every play.

So, they put me back on, like, defensive line. You didn't know how to, like, read an offense or, like, see what blocks were coming from? Nah, dude. They'd fucking tell me to blitz, dude. I'd, like, drop into, like, cover two. Like, shit like that. So you're just not listening. It's not even an athletic thing.

You're just not. Yeah, I don't feel like I had a... Did you get good grades in school? No. Fuck no, dude. You ever get held back? No, not like that. No. But most of my teachers were like...

Bad grades of what? Did you get D's and F's? No. Like B's and C's. So you had pretty good grades. No, not good grades. You don't think B's and C's are. In fucking high school, dude.

Fucking high school, dude. Yeah, that's above C. I guess it depends, man. Like most of your teachers like don't want to be there and they're just like waiting for the summer. And it's like, I guess if you have a teacher that's like super passionate and like first off hold on a b c d f okay f failing d just above failing those are the that's the bottom fucking pot yeah c which is right in the middle, is fucking average. B is above average. A is, like, exceptional.

You deserve that. So, yeah. B's and C's are above average grades. I guess, I don't know. I was thinking on, like, a GPA scale. Because I guess we were, like, going to college for. You just said you applied to a school that has a 95% fucking acceptance rate. Yeah.

So, I could have had, like, a fucking 1.9 GPA in high school and gotten in. Yeah. But, like, I didn't have the GPA to get into, like, a legitimate, like... Like Princeton? No, just, like, a regular, like, fucking school, I guess.

Johnson & Wales is not a regular school? No, I mean, dude, college is just, like, a business in general. They just want your money, so it's, like... Think about all the fucking kids who used to scream. No, I know that. I know that.

But did you know that at the time? Did you know that in high school and when you were going to college? No, man, I was fucking high and drunk all the time. So like when you applied to this college. I was high as tits. But you were so high like yeah i'm just i was high as tits when i got accepted to my first college i was at what i was at a five guys restaurant i was high as tits my mom was like hey you got into uh some school in like smoking weed or like anything else i know i was high as tits

of the five guys eating like a double cheeseburger my mom texted me and she's like hey you got into this school in new hampshire and i was like holy shit and uh she was like yeah it's seventy thousand dollars a year yeah so like even if i did get into those good schools i'm not going yeah i'm going to fucking john and Wales or like URI. What's Johnson and Wales cost to you? Probably like the same as like URI,

like a state school pretty much. How much? 20, 25. God damn, bro. Yeah. $25,000 a year. That's such bullshit.

They let cunts like you go to college, like take these fucking loans out and all this fucking bullshit. Yeah. But they give me shit if I want fucking credit cards and all this shit. You know what I mean?

It's such bullshit they do. The student loan. It's such a fucking scam. You're right. It is a fucking scam. Thank God I didn't go to that shit. They want to forgive all these fucking kids for going to fucking college and all this shit. Why don't you forgive my fucking credit card bills?

I didn't go to college. Why can't I get some fucking debt forgiveness over here? Yeah. I owe six people $2,000 in Revere right now. You think I don't want the fucking government to pay that off for me? Of course I do. I mean, the moral of the story, man, is like, do I... Fucking gov.

Do I regret, like, smoking weed and drinking beer in high school and, like, being stupid? Like, no. Fuck no. Like, would I go back and try? No, dude. I don't care. No, I barely made it by and I'm happy I did. Doing pretty good.

Doing pretty good if you're living in this place. But anyway, dude, back to my original point, dude, was like I didn't even enjoy football and I played it like, I enjoyed like certain things about it, but I didn't like, you know, I didn't love practicing. Yeah, yeah. You know, I didn't love getting coached. I mean, I loved like the Friday Night Lights, I guess.

I loved the camaraderie, dude. Was there a big, did you go to a big high school? Yeah, I mean, dude, we were in like two state championships. Wow. So the camaraderie was there, dude. Like, do I miss like seeing another dude's nuts in the locker room? Sure, sure, sure. For sure, yeah, dude.

Do I miss like touching other dudes yeah do i miss talking about my feelings to other fat dudes yeah like do i miss fucking late practices getting verbally assaulted by another coach no dude miss fucking? What was the most fucked up thing a coach ever said to you? I think my sophomore year. Freshman year, I got hurt. Sophomore year, they were like, oh, this kid has potential. And I was just, like, laughing and, like, farting on the sidelines. And they were like, we need you to try, dude.

Like, just at least put in, like, a little effort. And I never did. And I was always, like, fucking around with this one kid. And we were, like like pissing ourselves laughing. So my junior year was like my last shot to like finally prove myself. And I think we ran the same play like eight times in a row and I kept making the same mistake. What was the play? Is it in practice? It was like practice.

Are you in practice? Yeah. I was I was on the varsity offensive line. Yeah. Got a tackle. I was playing left tackle at the time. They were trying to be out of left tackle. offensive line. Yeah. Got to tackle. Osana. I was playing left tackle at the time. They were trying me out at left tackle. Very important.

Yeah. One of the most important positions in football. So, like, I missed my blocking assignment probably five times in a row. Do you remember what the assignment was? No. It was probably something super simple. Yeah. And then I think after, like, the fifth time, my coach was like,

he literally just was like, you lazy piece of fucking shit he was like he was like what the fuck are you doing it's like the sixth time we've ran this play yeah and then he started making fun of me he was like oh fucking john i don't say shit i just mumble fucking shit oh dude this the coach ripped me a new one, dude. In front of everybody? In front of everyone, dude. In front of the entire huddle, dude. And I remember my face.

I just remember heating up. And he was just like, fuck yourself. Go on, Scout D. So I immediately just took a cap from Scout D. Played defensive end across the kid who filled in for me literally just like tossed him like leveled like three kids started showing effort literally just like went ape shit and he was just like i don't understand you yeah he's like why can't you just do that like you know what i mean was there a reason you couldn't you just got pissed because of everything

he said? It was for sure, man. It was like one of those moments where like, I was like, wow, dude, I'm so lazy. Yeah. Like, that's a good way to like. Do you think he was right in? He was right. Yeah.

I'm happy he did it. Yeah. Like, if he didn't do that, I would, there's a good chance I'd be on the sidelines for like the next two years just like ripping ass and filling water bottles did you miss fighting and laughing on the sidelines though no because the kid i was with was a fucking idiot like he like didn't he didn't progress at all no he ended up like being super depressed man man. Like getting taken out of like JV games. Yeah. So it's like if that didn't happen, dude, it's like everyone has that moment though, dude,

where someone tells you what you don't want to hear and you're like, oh shit. Yeah. See, I don't think I ever had that in sports, but I've had acting teachers and comedians and things like that give me that. You know what i mean so that's like i think yeah that's that's probably a part of why i never enjoyed it as well yeah it's like in comedy if someone's like hey man like the only reason that joke did good is because you brought people out but i also didn't want to do it at the time like i remember when i signed up for freshman football like immediately

i was like why the fuck did i do that i don't want to do this i want to fuck around with my friends i think everyone did that man yeah when you're that young like nothing besides doing like i remember the summer ended and i remember like i was like dude i gotta fucking like i go there was still like a week or two left of the summer before school started and i'm like why am i fucking doing this i'm like the first day i went to like tryouts for football they weren't even tryouts everyone made the team they just worked you as hard as you possibly ever could in your life and it was just like like why am i just like fucking around with like my friends right now you know what i mean like why am i doing this i'm not enjoying any of this shit yeah but i didn't want to quit because

i'm like well i'm not a fucking pussy i'm not gonna quit you know i think you just learn a lot about yourself man like when you do stuff you don't want to do, it's like... Yeah, I learned when I did it, I didn't have to do this. It's America. Yeah. I mean, you kind of took the smart way out, I guess, of just being like, you know, this isn't for me. Yeah.

But I think the important thing is to, like, at least try it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm glad I tried it in the sense of, like, I knew I didn't like it. You did the right thing by trying and then being like, this isn't for me. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah i'm glad i tried it in the sense of like i knew i didn't like you did the right thing by trying and then being like this isn't for me if you were just like immediately like this isn't for me without even trying then you're kind of like a pussy you know what i mean yeah you're just not you're not taking any risk like you can't like you gotta you gotta risk to jump yeah you gotta rip it dude for sure yes sir but that is amazing dude that like you didn't enjoy it and like i was good at certain shit too like like i said i can fucking i can throw a fuck i remember one

time in practice too the coaches they saw me throwing the ball like before practice and like why like i'm like well i'm playing tight end and whatever like we want to work in a play for you to do some kind of pass like a double pass or something like that i'm like i could have stayed on them and be like oh let's do that but i was like yeah i don't fucking care by then it was like the season was like already over and i'm like i just want to like be done with this shit you know what i mean i'm like if you want it so much i'm like just fucking you guys know how far i could throw a fucking football you know what i mean yeah so like when did uh when did like acting come into play though when were you like not to like my senior year high school i mean that's fucked off i was like i potty i dude i

drank so much in high school i fucking i just always potty and i was like very social like that in high school and then like i remember like my first day of senior year I fucking went the first thing on my schedule said improv and I'm like I don't even know what the fuck this is and it was an improv class in my high school I'm like and then I immediately had so much fun I remember telling my teacher Mr. Carey shout out to him at Peabody High he was like I was like dude I want to do the thing too. And it wasn't on my schedule at the time. He's like, yeah, I can put you in the drama class if you want. And he did. So then instead of having to do some fucking stupid fucking whatever, I don't know, cooking class or something random.

I don't know what it wouldn't have been like math. It was like some kind of special class, you know, a fucking what they call them exploratories or whatever. I did that shit. Dude, can you explain improv to me? I'm not sure I understand. Just like yes and, have fun. It's kind of like the conversation we're having right now. I'm not saying we're improv-ing right now,

but it's just like performative calculation of, it doesn't even have to be comedic behavior, but that's how I look at it it where it's like you just see whip i would say that's a good way to put it a comedic like exploration of behavior i don't know i don't really i love it it's the first it's my favorite thing in the i love improv you have to like stay within the boundaries though right like sometimes there's no boundaries though. That's the beautiful part about it. Yeah, but if it's me and you on stage and I like... Yeah, there's rules and there's like an etiquette and stuff like that.

There's definitely that. Like rules and regulations? I wouldn't call it like regulations. When would they call like a technical foul? Like when would they call a timeout? It's more so just not like obey in the format. It's just like to do stand-up comedy comedy you have to have a stage and a microphone or at least a microphone you don't have to have like a race stage we have to have a place where

people are looking yeah it's like an improv you just have to have those two people interlocked that on the same page you know the fuck are you laughing at imagine that us on stage doing what because like who takes like dude so say we're doing improv i take the lead i put my fucking shirt over my head and i just start throwing fucking haymakers at the air you have to follow that right i don't have to but like maybe you're like a retarded kid at an airport who's afraid of flying and i'm like a first-time dad. Is that how you would roll with it?

That probably would be my approach. I would do it that it's some type of behavior thing, and I'm in the power position. Because immediately when people act crazy like that, it's like, no, no, no, I'm taking control right there. So I think that's what I would do. Did you learn that from improv? Huh?

Did you learn that from improv? Yeah, definitely. Oh, shit. Just doing stuff. Like, improv is the best thing. Getting involved in improv. Does that help you with crowd work at all? Yeah, I guess so.

It just helped with life. I don't know. Yeah. It just, like, helps with stuff. It helped me, like, get a schedule is what it did. Because, like, then even after high school, I wasn't doing it for a few years and then i was like just fucking around yeah i'm like dude all i'm doing is like getting drunk and making money don't get me wrong making money and getting drunk and then i'm like oh let me do improv the next thing i know i was doing it like four nights a week what was like your favorite part about it

doing whatever the fuck i want yeah improv have you ever done an improv class no we should go to a jam one of these days. You can just show up? Yeah. I think I saw one at a SKU in Providence. Probably, yeah. I think they do have them down there. It was just like this chick on stage. She had like a fake mustache on.

She was wearing a yellow dress. I didn't really like understand what was going on. It's defun, dude. They rule. Shame on me because I haven't been in a while. But it's a fucking good time. I just don't want to like disrespect anyone dude like no you want to take it out of proportion you should as a comedian you should do it i tell

people all the time they should do it yeah some people want it to happen some people wish what happened and others make it happen michael jordan got michael jordan got tupac acdc muhammad ali not cassius clay it was muhammad ali when that picture was taken ACDC. Muhammad Ali. Not Cassius Clay. It was Muhammad Ali when that picture was taken. Fogel. And a fucking bench or something. Fucking pier.

Dude, all that's from like the bargain outlets. Yeah. Even the ACDC thing? Oh no, that was from a... That's a nice poster. From Amazon or something like that. That's a nice poster. How much it cost to frame that and shit? That's what I gotta get. I gotta get a... That's a nice poster. From Amazon or something like that. That's a nice poster. How much did it cost to frame that and shit? That's what I gotta get.

I gotta get a nice movie poster for my house. Dude, you gotta get the poster and then you got the frame separate. Yeah. I just dropped off a piece. I gotta pick it up tomorrow from the frame in place. Got a nice piece of artwork, a gift from a friend. You a big furniture guy furniture guy dude i feel like you're always putting shit up it's like yeah i'm always trying to yo anyone watching this right now

straight up uh if you need anything clothes furniture like literally anything you got you need erin's run i don't mean to cut a promo right now but i kind of need to you know what i like need to you know ryan o'toole at it's ryan o'toole i'm gonna give all my promotional shit out at the end but yeah i sell fern i have a beautiful designer chair by the way i'll send you a picture of it tonight facebook marketplace uh sometimes yeah but i have a beautiful designer chair that i'm just about ready to sell uh it's like a 1300 chair so wow i gotta get rid of that for how much you marking it down i don't know someone out there i'll put pictures up my instagram someone's for 300 it's this beautiful chair it's like one of those uh i forget what it's called but it's nice chair i just never use it you know yeah so i don't

know i wouldn't say i'm a big furniture guy like that but i like i need a couch that's what i need i don't have a fucking couch in my house you just take that one dude all right serious no that would be funny though if you took it if you let me that would be cool um so yeah i don't know yeah you got some nice friends i can't believe is this really only a hundred dollars yeah man just a theater chair dude on amazon one hundred dollars hundred dollars dude i don't know if i believe you it's fucked up man you got to put it together no it's just two pieces dude just fucking that's cool

I'm getting a puppy soon ah yeah yeah what kind it's like an English bulldog nice dog with a breathing problem yeah dude they just fucking chill

all day yeah it's gonna be sick we gotta walk them and shit yeah like a few times a day yeah you know good that'll be for me dude just like get out there and fucking breathe in some fresh air man

why you stay inside a lot yeah it's getting bad why don't you go outside i mean there's no like parks around here there's like a few basketball courts down the road but dude it's all locked up yeah can't shoot some hoops you know you don't like just like wandering around you don't like like just going on the train and not knowing where the fuck it goes and get off and walk around i do that with mics a lot not like purposely i'll just go the wrong way and then like be like where the fuck am i yeah yeah you should do that you should just set out that's like my favorite part of new York sometimes. Just go on by yourself. Yeah. Just wander around town. Sure.

It's good. Downtown, like where the crazy stuff happens? Just Manhattan. Yeah. You like doing that by yourself? When I moved here, especially. Yeah, I still do it sometimes. What do you do?

You just go to random stores? I did it in Boston. Dude, we grew up as a kid. I'd just take the red line. Sometimes we'd go into Cambridge. It'll let us out. Sometimes we'd go into Dorchester. sometimes Braintree, Quincy. The blue line, orange line, we'd just take them up to Alewife, Ashmont.

Just to get outside? Just wander around and explore shit. Yeah, it's good for your health, man. Oh, it's the best. You need to clear the mental, you know? You can't be like, at least for me personally, but I love doing that shit. New York's hilarious too i think the new york the thing i like like it's just when you walk around i feel like it's just like

walking around in grand theft auto that's what i equate it to yeah it's like grand theft auto 3 just wandering around i'm like oh i know this like you know yeah some lunatics everywhere yeah all right dude well it's been an hour man are you fucking shit at me yeah almost an hour it's been an hour 55 minutes i feel like we've been sitting here for like 20 minutes really yeah did that go by fast for you yeah always does man it's the chairs dude i'm telling you i i'm i think i might i think i might buy these dude i'm kind of i going to lie, dude. I might just turn my house into a full podcast studio. Just rent it out. This week.

You have a podcast, right? Yeah, Ryan O'Toole Podcast. New episode tonight. When's this coming out? Just fucking follow my Instagram at itsryanotoole. There's a link on there with all my shit. And I'm serious about the jobs. And I'm also...

This is going to come out in the next week or so, yeah i'm renting my apartment out contact me a very nice uh student studio apartment uh also anything i have literally any type of service right now okay that's what i have right now so let me know on there right yeah well dude i'll show you my shit man but thanks for coming on dude thanks for having me appreciate it dude