The Johnny Salami Podcast - Salzy

Episode Date: September 6, 2020

Jake Salzy joins us on the podcast to talk about farts, specifically not being able to stop laughing when someone farts in public. We also talk about the confidence that old men display in the locker room, and much more. A lot of laughter in this one.

Are you ready? Yeah, I'm ready to go. I was born ready. What's going on, everyone? Welcome to a new episode of the Johnny Salami Podcast. Today's guest, a good friend of mine, Jake Salisbury. Thanks for coming in. Thanks for having me, John.

This is one of my dreams to be on a podcast. Really? Yeah. Good shit, man. Spitting chiclets. Ever heard of it? Yeah. Yeah, it's like when I listen to those guys talk, I'm like, dude, how are they getting

paid to do this shit? Really? Ever heard of it? Yeah. Yeah. It's like when I listen to those guys talk, I'm like, dude, how are they getting paid to do this shit? Really? Dude, I was actually listening to my own podcast, which is kind of like a dick move. I just wanted to see what it would sound like. And I was like on Spotify and I was like, dude, this isn't half bad. Like I could listen to this like while doing other things. Dude.

Yeah. During quarantine, I was like ripping it. Like it was, I was like binge watching your, your podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Josh, tell people to watch, but I never watched it myself. So I was like, I your your podcast really yeah yeah josh tell people to watch but i never watch myself so i was like i should probably do this before i tell people to watch it it's like taking notes you know it's like watching film yeah i don't even remember

half the shit i say you know what i mean i just kind of zone out and then i like i just fucking let it rip dude beyblades you know what i'm saying yeah no dude i've definitely done that where like you almost black out mid-conversation and then you come out and you're like, what did, what are like, what did we just say to each other? Yeah. Some of the hardest laughs I've ever had. Like I never like, I never think what I'm going to say. I just say it.

And then I'm like, wow, I just said that. But like if I'm having a conversation with someone and I'm like, all right, I'm going to say this next. I'm like, fuck. Like why did I say that? You start, yeah. Then you start like losing your train of thought. You're like mid-story. You have everyone's attention. Then you're like, oh shit, what. Why did I say that? Yeah, you start losing your train of thought. You're mid-story.

You have everyone's attention. Then you're like, oh, shit. What the fuck was I saying? Yeah, dude. That's all the time with me, too. Because people will be like, John, are you going to say something? And I'll be like, oh, fuck. And then I have to think about something.

And then I'll just walk up to someone who's Jewish and be like, oh, I heard you're Jewish. Is that where the motherfucking hummus started? You just like, first thing that comes that where the motherfucking hummus started you just like first thing that comes to mind uh fucking motherfucking that was that was all instinct really yeah just do the camera my body just took over yeah it's like a twitch i was about to hang up the podcast really yeah when i'd like today i like texted you i was like if he doesn't say anything like i'm probably just gonna like hang on don't hang it off dude this is like it was just a thought but it was like i don't know man you know it's been hard to get people on yeah and then when you say that like there's always people who are like dude i'd be on yeah like nah man i remember you asked me at like rooftop and i was like hammered and i'm like i don't know if i should agree to this right now because

yeah i remember that i remember telling you that i'm being serious though i wasn't yeah dude i've always wanted to come on like i've watched your podcast like i said i've always wanted to come on but like it's fun man i don't know i don't get why people say no unless they don't like me and you know that's like it's not like you're yeah questioning us on everything we do in life like we're just here shooting the ship it's like you're at a coffee shop. Yeah, exactly. Sometimes you just forget people work and stuff. Yeah, it's tough.

People work, but they still have time. Yeah, an hour of your day. What else are you going to be doing? We're at a coffee shop drinking beet juice, dude. Yeah, dude. I'm about to be rock hard in a second. Dude, how do you take a drink of that and not make a crazy face? I bought the powder, dude, so it's not like the hard in a second. Dude, how do you take a drink of that and not make a crazy face? I bought the powder, dude, so it's not like the actual beets.

Some people actually get the beets and they blend them up and shit. Doesn't taste like dirt still, or it does? I mean, I wouldn't say dirt, but it tastes like I'm like, I feel like a fucking transformer, dude. After you're done with it? Yeah, I don't know. If you have a drink of your preference, where you're drinking, you're like, dude, I could fucking rob a bank right now, dude. Captain and what I'm saying? After you're done with it. Yeah. I don't know if you have a drink of your like preference where you drink and you're like, dude, I could fucking rob a bank right now.

Captain and ginger. Really? Damn. That makes you feel like you're on top of the world. Yeah, dude. Really? Yeah.

Captain ginger. You ever had it? No. Yeah. That's ginger ale. Yeah. Ginger ale. Oh wow.

I've had a like Jack and Coke. Yeah. That's like the basic version. Like I've never had a, I've never had uh i've never had a ginger ale though no yeah dude it's good i saw a commercial for it um and i gotta show you the commercial because it's hilarious but me my dad and my brother were watching it and we're all just like we're gonna drink this for the rest of our life really yeah the next time i go out i'm gonna try it out yeah also they're like, did you say Coke?

Captain and Coke? It's like, no, I said ginger. I'd like a ginger, please. Wow. You get weird looks. That's pretty sick. Yeah. Yeah, man.

I've never been good with the drinks, man. Especially feminine drinks, dude. I was with a girl once, and I asked for wine. And the waitress literally laughed at me. She's like, are you fucking serious right now? It's like, dude, I wouldn't mind going to an orchard right now dude just sipping on some fucking yin yeah i don't even know what i just said but like dude yeah you ever see those bitches that go to like you know like fucking fields of green oh yeah scott's turf core around you do and

they're just ripping wine yeah dude diamond hill check it out you should go dude i was there last like maybe a month ago they have some good wine there, dude. Dude, I'll wear a dress. Yeah, I mean, we could bring cheese, crackers. We can make a little date, a picnic basket. I'll even go for a walk with you there. I'll just wear it. Dude, I'll wear a dress with no underwear.

Let it hang out. Dude. All right, dude, I know you'll appreciate this story because you love farts, right? Yeah. Like, I'm the kid who's laughing to, like, I need to leave the room, and then someone will say something, and I'm still laughing about the fart. Yeah. So we're sitting there, and this guy just, like, lets one go.

Like, it was probably, like, a four or five-second fart, and he, like, he looks around. You see him looking around, and I'm just, I'm locking eyes with this guy. I'm like, dude, I'm, like, I heard your fucking fart. don't try and get away with this one like i heard he but i think he was like how was how loud was it it was loud like he couldn't have been trying to hide it and if he wasn't he has serious like anal issues because that was a fucking like i was jealous almost really yeah dude i i get jealous sometimes too sometimes like Like, dude, I'm at the age, I'm like, I'm not even that old, but, like, sometimes I'll, like, be about to fart and I'll be like, dude, this could be shit. Like, you never know, man.

But we, yeah, dude, I always, I could tell you a thousand fart stories. I told this story on this kid's, this kid had me on his podcast. His name's Hana, dude. He's, like, 19. Oh, yeah. He was on yours kid's, this kid had me on his podcast. His name's Hana, dude. He's like 19. Oh, yeah. He was on yours too, right? Yeah. So I didn't really know what, like I didn't even know the kid.

Yeah. And he was like, dude, what do I have to do to get on this? And I was like, oh, man, like I'll just come on yours. You come on mine, man. It'll be a good time. And I told this story on his podcast. Like I had never met the kid. And just like the idea of telling him like a far story and like not even knowing him knowing him i would literally i honestly don't think i've ever laughed that hard in my

life dude like out of an awkward feeling laugh and when i went to his house i went to the wrong house so he told me to come in the backyard and i was in some random dude's backyard and he was like dude like you see a hammock and i was like no no hammock guy cutting his lawn yeah but uh i was telling him this story dude uh there was this fucking we used to have this class called academic enrichment like in uh in middle school yeah i think i've heard of that you ever had that dude i don't know it's basically just like an hour and you're supposed to like study and like enrich yourself academically. Like, you know. Makes sense.

Checks out. At least that's what I thought it was. And I had a crush on this girl, dude. They were just like solid five, solid six. But, dude, I had the biggest crush on her, man. You knew your place. Yeah. And she sat in front of me.

And then the kid who sat next to her like also had a crush on her so it's like this big competition dude but i never said anything like i never really spoke much yeah i was just like listening like what they were saying and stuff and this kid dude was fucking crushing it like taking notes i was like this guy's got in the bag bro like absolutely killing it bro and then all of a sudden the teacher's like hey guys can you like keep it down like you're supposed to be like enriching yourselves academically and so it gets quiet for like 15 seconds and this kid he blew it out of his asshole, didn't he? Dude, this kid fucking turns to the side. Dude, the loudest fart I've ever heard in my life, bro.

It was so fucking loud. What did she do? That's how you blow it in two seconds. They probably blamed it on you. Dude, he fucking blows it, bro. Like, absolutely rips on like dude that's some shit you'll never forget dude if someone did that right now like me or you we would literally have to go to the hospital like that's how loud it was

dude but the dude this kid fucking kept a straight face, dude. And he looked at the girl. Maybe it was like, oh shit. Maybe it was like their thing. Maybe she's into that. Dude. But like, when I saw that, I was just like. I fucking belched out laughing. Dude, no one else laughed.

I was the only one that laughed. I'm crying a little bit and uh his uh dude 45 minutes straight i laughed the teacher was like chomp she's like he was like dude you gotta go for a walk man i was like all right so i went for a walk and like when i came back i just started laughing again dude it's like i just i just kept playing it over and over. If I was there, dude, I would have had to go to the bathroom or something. Dude, it's tough to get out of that. When you're stuck in that laughing. Dude, I can't stop.

I'll do it for an hour straight until my ribs hurt. Because I just keep playing it over and over in my head. But like some people. I'm kind of stuck in it right now dude but i don't get how people like you ever see those people who will see something like that and they'll just be like huh yeah it's not funny it's like dude what happened like during your childhood bro you don't even want to know and like you can like kind of put things together like especially like in terms of like sense of humor like you can be like oh i can see why that person thinks that's funny and stuff but like farts it's like how is that not funny dude like that's so fucking funny

dude it was for a while until i found out i'm like lactose intolerant oh shit and i was blowing up like rooms like at the bar like people would just be a sudden like i'm like what's going on like yeah i like blamed it on like protein and stuff like that but i'm like dude i'm not like doing anything crazy what gets you the most like milk um yeah well i just don't even like milk because it just hurts yeah i don't drink milk either yeah dude what about almond milk almond milk i crush i love almond milk i even throw that in the cereal sometimes like the original or like the flavored one uh vanilla yeah yeah i think that's original but is there an original too yeah original is not good uh i mean it's all right like technically you can make

your own almond milk but dude i dig the vanilla or the chocolate dude have you ever i mean i i remember i used to watch the videos of you like torching up and letting one go oh like lighting my thoughts on fire yeah have you ever done that yeah dude uh i only did it once and then uh my mom had to like sit me down i'd be like look like i know you're not good with science and stuff but like if that catches if that catches like your sphincter is gonna like blow off and like you can light rooms on fire too oh yeah yeah especially with what you're pushing out dude i'm pushing fucking heat bro so like if one of those catches like the like the ring of fire around my sphincter dude is literally just gonna blow up dude and uh like my sheets could have lit like on fire dude and back then i wouldn't have known

what to do that would have been on tash point out you would have been on tash point now you'd be famous right now so maybe you should have pushed a little harder yeah i was pushing pretty hard it was just like i didn't have a lot in the tank yeah there was one though that i got on a video that was actually like really aggressive but i was just too I didn't have a lot in the tank. Yeah. There was one, though, that I got on a video that was actually, like, really aggressive. But I was just too far away. Dude, getting close is, like, that's risky, man. Yeah, it's scary. I mean, I've never.

That reminds me of butt chugging, dude. Butt chugging? Because if you butt chug and you don't know what you're doing, you can die. You know what I mean? You've put too much down there, dude. What makes you want to butt chug, though? I don't know, dude. Maybe you have, like, some weird fetish or something, dude. Maybe you do it, you want a butt chug though i don't know dude maybe you have like some weird fetish or something dude maybe you do it like

during orgy i don't know dude quick funnel up the butt yeah i feel like honestly if me and you were at a party in college or something like way back in the day like and someone i feel like someone could convince us yeah there was like hot chicks around us and they were like do it and you like really will we be sick girl yeah like some girl candace is like a solid 10 she's like fucking do it i mean yeah she tells me to do it i'm like and especially if you're right there too yeah imagine me being intoxicated cheering you on be like do it you fucking pussy dude there was this one time this is a great story um i think i was old i was way too old to have shit in my pants i think i was probably in like fifth or sixth grade

we'll go fifth just to save my my ass but so i'm like really sick i'm at practice like full hockey gear at practice um i get off the ice i take a shit it's like all like it's just i'm sick and i go back out still not feeling good and then like you get that like rush down your stomach into your waistband that's like the worst feeling yeah i go to run to the bathroom at mount st charles if you've ever been like down those hallways they're tight they're tight and scary and they're even worse to me now i'm i'm in my like i'm all hockey stuff I'm running down the hallway.

And, like, I just took a wrong stride, I'm assuming, and just let everything go. Really? Full hockey equipment. This was, like, while you were running? While I'm running to the bathroom off the ice. Because it's, like, a practice. Yeah. And, dude, like, I've never been so upset with myself.

Like, I had to, like like i got my mom like mom like i just shit my pants what do i do i have i have hockey equipment on and it's just you wear like those big like pants right yeah big pants you got a girdle on you got a cup on dude most uncomfortable i've ever been like you knew for a fact that you had done it too yeah you could smell it and stuff no i i felt it I gained I gained like four or five pounds oh dude within the stride that's fucking gross yeah yeah I mean like sometimes you can tell but sometimes dude it's just a fart and you're like thank god yeah dude I did that when I was younger I remember being in a I didn't, I didn't live here yet.

I lived in Norris Smithfield. I remember, like, when you're younger, you, like, have those memories that you can remember vividly. Oh, yeah. And, like, it might have looked different back then, but I was just going to, like, a new school, and I, like, I didn't know anyone. And I remember being at lunch just by myself, just, like, some fat kid, like, eating by himself, just, like, feeling sorry for myself, dude. And I got that feeling in my stomach. Dude. At the lunch table? the worst place oh dude and i was so young i didn't even know what to do like i i just shit like i just aggressively shit myself off the bench like on the bench like i didn't even make an attempt to like run to the bathroom and like i remember walking up to the lunch lady and she was like you want some like sloppy joes and i was like i just fucking shit myself and she was like get out of here she was like you have shorts or pants

on i used to wear these like ghetto like uh babe ruth shorts like the long are you talking about like the long like plaid shorts that everyone used to wear yeah uh that was sick the ones you bought at uh like burlington coat factory yeah they were like Are you talking about the long plaid shorts that everyone used to wear? Yeah. That was sex, man. The ones you bought at Burlington Coat Factory? Yeah. They were like fur. Dude, I can imagine you sitting at the lunch table shitting your pants.

Oh, just straight-faced. Fucking ripped it, dude. And then, dude, I went to the bathroom. I didn't even shit myself. It was just a fart. Really? Yeah. You didn't even shit myself it was just a fart really yeah you didn't feel i was mind blown i was like i could have sworn i fucking shit myself maybe it's maybe like suck back yeah dude the lunch lady must have been like this kid's a fucking prick because i walked right by her again you know but i was emotional i was like i wish you would have helped me like when i needed yeah yeah it's ptsd right yeah but i mean dude if you're a lunch lady and some kids's like, I just fucking shit myself, like, you're going to be like, all right, like, get out of here.

She's seen that. She's been there before. She thinks you're either, like, fucking with her or you're like, you know, you need someone else to help you. It's like, basically, like, I don't get paid enough for this shit. Yeah. But, dude, there was this one kid, you know Brennan Joyce? I think so. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, remember when Brennan used to live here, dude. And we were walking in the woods one day, me, him, and some other kid, literally just having, like, normal conversation, which was, like, very rare for us. Like, we were just talking about, like, sports and stuff. Yeah. All of a sudden, this kid gets up on a rock and starts, like, screaming the national anthem and fucking lifts his leg up and starts like screaming the national anthem and fucking lifts his leg up and like shits himself like dude you could see it like it wasn't even like a thick

shit it was like diarrhea it was like legit dude and it like squirted out of his leg like it wasn't like dripping it like squirted dude like a pouch is popping in his leg and uh like we couldn't dry back then dude so he was like he was like i gotta go and we were like what do you mean? You gotta go dude like he was like I'm just gonna tell my dad like I you know Yeah, so like his dad had to pick him up and like we were like dude at least like wipe like with the box or Something like you can't you gotta lose socks underwear. You're gonna have to lose something everything Like you're gonna have to use something dude. If I shit myself in the woods I'd probably just jump in a lake or something. You know what I mean?

If there's water nearby, I'll just jump in, dude. Yeah, you don't even need a wipe. You don't, dude, literally. It's like showering after. Dude, do you remember? I think you were on the team. I think it was my sophomore year. So you were probably a senior.

Where we had like the double sessions. We had tacos. And everybody got food sick. And we had one porta potty at practice and people were like lined up outside the porta potty i don't know if i was on maybe dude yeah that was either my freshman or sophomore year because i didn't play junior year i remember like i think that might have i didn't i wasn't one of the people who got sick but i do remember people like like you know going to the porta potty like they had uh they only had one porta potty i remember outside yeah yeah that kid chance dude you remember when you took a shit in the wellness center

do you remember what the janitor said to him oh muchacho yeah no you know come in here no more you say don't come in here anymore dude that dude that was uh like no one no one deserves to like see something like that no there was like blood and shit in there dude i was like it wouldn't flush too i thought i was in like another dimension when i saw that i was i was like dude i've been smoking like too much weed like i thought i was like tripping out dude that thing was literally like this, this big, dude. It didn't make sense. That was like a newborn baby.

Yeah, it didn't make sense, honestly. But good for him. Nothing about it made sense, dude. But, I mean, dude, if that's, like, dude, if you're a sphincter and you're going to expand that much, dude, that's fucking mind-blowing, dude. Blessed. Yeah, man. Dude, I fucking wish him the best, man. Honestly. He was a good kid. He was a good kid he was a good kid man the kid made me laugh

but um dude what did you think like the biggest like difference was for you for like um like hockey and football because i didn't really see much like on the football field yeah because i didn't really see much like on the football field yeah um like football to me was a way to get out of uh like off ice hockey which was in the fall at first that's why i was like yeah dude i'm not trying to do like these workouts because you guys had like a really tough coach didn't you what for hockey yeah yeah um he was just like he was a very good coach like he just he pushed us to like a whole nother, which most other coaches wouldn't do. But, yeah, so we had dry lands and stuff. And I did like football, but I kind of did it to get away from those

and also be able to play another sport, too, because I was always wanting to do something. Because you were a sophomore because I was always wanting to do something. Yeah. Because you were a sophomore when I was a senior. Yeah. I think being a sophomore in any sport is the worst. Dude, it's the worst year ever. Dude, especially with your grade.

What did you guys do? You guys were all 6'3", 230. I don't know. Compared to our – you look at our grade, dude. We like – I think it's just like uh it's definitely an age thing but a lot of it's just like mental like I was like the same size for most of my like high school yeah you know what I mean like I was always big but like when we were like freshmen and sophomores like you'd be like intimidated by other people but the reality of the situation was dude i was easily stronger than the majority of the kids out there yeah it's just like a mental thing you're like intimidated you're like holy shit like i can't do this right

now yeah dude you had like two torn acls and you were benching more than i'll ever look at yeah i mean i never told my i never told my acl but like mcl my mcl yeah you had like the double knee brace i fucking i never wanted to wear that too and every time i didn't wear it i'd always get hurt too yeah you need i do like it's weird man just like when i was a sophomore i fucking hated football and i just didn't want to play but like just being a part of it i guess i mean i guess was all right yeah but uh i never thought i like actually played it i was of it i guess i mean i guess was all right yeah but uh i never thought i like actually played it i was just like i guess i'm just gonna be like wasted talent i always i always felt bad for the kids who were like really good but the the person above them was just like

way better and they were never gonna play yeah and you see that with some people you're like wow that kid like that kid could have been really good. I guess it just depends, like, you know. Positioning. Yeah, it's like positioning, and then it's like, sometimes you just have a group of kids, like, surrounding you that are just fucking nasty, you know what I mean? And, like, you're never going to play. Your senior year, you guys were undefeated, right? That's the year you guys won it?

My junior year. Junior year? And then senior year, we lost in the Super Bowl. Oh, okay. Yeah, but either way, you guys were, like, you had a lineup, and that was, like junior year. Junior year? And then senior year we lost in the Super Bowl. Oh, okay. Either way, you guys were, like, you had a lineup and that was, like, set. Like, there was no, like, and we had, even our twos were, like, could have played on any other team. Like, you guys were good, dude. Yeah.

It was, football was fun, man. I wish I could have played more defense. I really do. What did you play? Just offense because I was always hurt. could have played more defense i really do what'd you play just offense because i was always hurt like i was just always they were just finding ways to like get me out there with my knee yeah you know they were like just wear like six fucking knee braces and i was like limping out into the field now that i'm older i feel like if i knew what i know now back then i think would

have been a different story you know yeah but like i mean you think about it now like think about all the kids who are, like, training. Like, they have an off-season. Like, that's so much fun. Even when you don't play a sport, it's just, like, workout. You know what I mean? Yeah. So, like, if we had an off-season, that would be, like, a lot of fun.

Yeah. Like, as a team, you're saying? Just in general, dude, because I played three sports, so I never, like... Oh, yeah. You said the summer. Yeah. That's it. And, like, most people, like, don't even know you play sports.

Like, some people are, like, clueless. You know what I mean? Yeah. Some people watching right now are, wait you guys played sports you know i mean so it's like different for us but yeah man i like i fucking hate the fact that i never played defense man like offense i guess was all right but it's like what's more fun than defense yeah you get the pride of the defense yeah like you get to tackle people dude like you know you're like you're anticipating what's going to happen. You don't know what's going to happen. Whereas offense, you're like, I know exactly what's going to happen right now. You know what I mean?

Especially when you're on a good team. You're like, I'm just going to block this kid. Like, we're going to score. Like, that's it. Yeah. Good to do with Frank, big Frank Salisbury back there. Yeah, big Frank, dude. But, yeah, like, that's an example, like, sophomore year.

Like, there was, like, three people ahead of me. You know what I mean? I would an example, like, sophomore year. Like, there was, like, three people ahead of me. You know what I mean? I would have never played on defense sophomore year. Like, factually, there was kids who were way better than me, dude. You know what I mean? But, yeah, your dad was always scared of my knees. He was like, yeah, you're not going in. He's probably right, too, dude.

Like, if I did go in, I probably would have fucked something up. Yeah. Probably wouldn't be walking in. Yeah. I mean, like, I think think about it and i'm like yeah you know like i would have loved to be out there but at the same time like i was so fucked up dude my knee barely could bend i remember like your strut i was like jesus dude this kid can't even walk i was gonna fucking yeah people would always make fun of the way i walk and i'm

like yo i'm fucked up man walk a day with my knees yeah dude fuck you man what gym are you going to now because the four courts not the same as you sorry my voice dude this fucking b juice man it's getting to me dude i'm getting rock hard all the blood flows going down there um try that out no i go to the uh the top strength project now where's that in patucket and uh i will say man like a lot of people go to four court which is uh you know like a pretty famous gym around here but dude some of the shit you see there man it's kind of like oh my god you can only see so many nutsacks before all right dude kind of pissed the uh like the steam room and uh this

what is it called sauna yeah yeah like i'm i'm pissed that's closed because some of like my my best moments at four court room there i can't even i dude that's like the the number one reason you go there is just to go on the fucking steam room and like dude back in the day no one ever knew about that man no nobody dude and now like everyone knows even though i don't go there like i know people who found out and they were like dude yeah i remember i was in there once and there's probably like six or seven like 80 90 year olds in there yeah like balls just sagging across the ground as they're walking into the locker room and i'm in the hot tub just like

sitting there and this guy comes in like ass naked, which is fine because everyone does it. And he starts like grabbing the pole and like doing stretches like almost like in my face. And I'm like. This is in the jacuzzi? Yeah. I'm like, yeah. I might know the same guy. Because he, dude, he's, he like stretches out in the hot tub.

Yes, dude. And it doesn't matter where you are. He grabs both of the poles too, so you can't get out. Oh, tight. He grabs them out in the hot tub. Yes, dude. And it doesn't matter where you are. He grabs both of the poles, too, so you can't get out. Oh, tight. He grabs both. That's a fucking nightmare, bro. I was like, yeah, like, because you're not trying to make eye contact. You, like, look away and stuff.

I always look at the sky. Yeah, just get one of these. Oh, but those are the weirdest, like, you got to just get out after that. But you got to walk by him on the stairs, so it's like. Yeah. Dude, the weirdest is just, like, just like when guys get like really aggressive with their like like with bending over yeah like dude if you put one leg up on a bench and look me in the eyes like dude i'm gonna lose at least five years of my life yeah there's no reason for you to make

eye contact with me like there's absolutely no fucking reason dude some of those guys look deep in your soul dude yeah like the amount of confidence they have is like second to none dude. Like yeah, how much are you benching? I know but then like oh dude, I remember I went once like it's like fucking like It was like my day off and I was like, you know, I do I'm just gonna go it's gonna work out man And then you know hit up the hit up the steam room and then shower and go home. It's gonna be a great day, dude It's like I work going to be a great day, dude. So, like, I work out, have, like, a great workout, go into the jacuzzi, go into the steam room. Don't even see anyone, dude.

And then there's always that moment where you're like... Were you pissed about that or were you happy? I was so happy. I was like, dude, this is the best moment ever, dude. And then there was one guy in the shower. I'm like, all right, dude, I can take care of this. Like, I can do this. So he leaves, and I'm like, fuck yes.

Like, I'm the only one there, dude. And I'm just showering for like, I don't know, 10, 20 minutes, dude. You know, having the time of my life. My eyes are closed the whole time. I'm just thinking about my childhood and stuff. I'm like, dude, you're going to fucking kill it today. I just get way too confident dude and start pissing and there's a guy next to me dude and i'm like legitimately pissing on him

did he say something to you because what do you do if you see a kid right next to you just like dude because i was like i had my eyes closed and i'm like spinning around like fucking doing ballerina shit yeah and i just like closed my eyes closed and I'm like spinning around like fucking doing ballerina shit. Yeah. And I just like closed my eyes and I'm just like, it's no regrets. Just pissing like literally on him. And then I just hear,

Whoa, Whoa. And like, I thought he was going to fight. I thought he was going to like, yeah, dude, that's,

yeah, that's fighting territory. Yeah. Like that's, that's definitely a technical foul. It was warranted. Yeah. Yeah.

Like there was no, no dude. There was no, like I had no intent of like, know doing that but i was just i was i was in the moment dude i just i was just like went back to showering like nothing happened like i didn't say sorry or anything like if he if he said anything i would just pretend like i'm disabled or something yeah like i just start pissing on myself trying to like get it up to you start like screaming the alphabet backwards oh man i've never been pissed on i guess that's a good thing i mean dude that's a big deal bro

like if that was a bigger dude and i was pissing on him like would you rather be like spit on or pissed on like what's more i would say in the shower i'd rather be pissed on if someone spit on me, dude. Because that's intent. There's intent there. Yeah, that's intent, bro. Even if it's not intent, dude, I'm going to fucking get so mad. If you legitimately spit on someone, that's the biggest form of disrespect.

Yeah. I mean, piss is up there, though. But if you're in a shower, you can just wash it off. Yeah. Like, he was getting washed off by water, so's not like this you know like it's not like he was like max out benching and i was like i'm gonna piss on this guy i wondered if like his water was cold and he could tell the difference or if it was kind of like no he like definitely dude the thing that freaked me out though like think about it i was the only one in the shower

and out of all the showers he could choose he was he chose the one right next to me that's on him then honestly you're like a dog at that point marking your territory get the fuck out of here yeah it's like dude you have all these options man you know you could be facing the opposite way bro like why do you have to be right next to me he's showering like staring at you the whole time dude the other thing is like the amount that those guys like powder their balls oh yeah dude i don't even i don't powder my balls johnson johnson dude i've never done in my life oh no i mean we're not at the age where they're sagging that low or yeah like what does it do i

mean it stops the chase it stops like moisture like gooch sweat like i don't know dude but like dude that's fucking gross like in my opinion like dude imagine like a girl blowing you when she just sees like powder she comes up and says like dude that's a that's not a good sight man she's just coughing out dude those guys like they have the gold bond and they'll just fucking yank it yeah and you see it on the ground too and you're like this probably touched somebody's balls yeah and now it's on the ground i'm stepping in it like i said dude it's just like the amount of flexibility they have in the locker room versus the gym it's like dude show me that flexibility out there on the floor yeah you know i'm saying not in the hot not right now dude

yeah man i left i just uh it wasn't like um it was just an energy thing i just felt like i wasn't getting enough energy there. I mean, it's tough to get fired up with those guys there. Yeah, I mean, you got a lot of, like, 80-year-olds and stuff. And I feel like if I had, like, the mental toughness to be there, it would be second to none. But I don't know. There's something about the air. I've just gone there my whole life.

And I mean, I love that gym. Yeah, dude, there's something i hate to say it dude but there's something about seeing like a really attractive girl that just gets me going at the gym is that where your new gym like i saw dude anywhere like i mean i went to another gym after that it's just like like oh dude i'll see like a 220 pound girl on the elliptical and i'll be like it's gonna be a good day dude you know i'm saying like it doesn't even have to be like read usually like 210 220 that's usually my range anything over that it's kind of pushing it but and anything under is kind of like short selling yeah i think i do i think my standards might be too high like i think like nowadays you have to have credentials for like bigger chicks well dude it's tough nowadays too like you can't you can't even

really go out like yeah like with the virus and stuff and i'm just saying like you would think like getting thick chicks would be like you know be easy but it's not dude it's like you know they have some self-respect and uh dude you gotta fight your way in there man i'm telling you i've tried like multiple times like i think honestly maybe just you know upping the standards a little bit it might be easier if i see like an eight or a nine maybe you know attack that maybe i don't know man maybe that's the plan because right now nothing's working so but dude 210 220 not fat a little chubby dude squats a lot dude sign me up bro yeah dude keep going keep going to the gym maybe you'll find one there and then you have something in common dude i hated like watching you in the gym because one you'd wear like jeans you'd wear like flex fit though flex fit jeans and a polo and you'd be just lifting like 700 pounds i'm like i

have to wear like shorts and like a t-shirt. I'm telling you, dude, if you wore flex fit, I think it would change your life. I really do. What is in the flex fit that gets you so rock hard? It's all about ego, dude. You have to wear stuff that allows you to leave your ego at the door. Like I don't have an ego, but it allows me to just not have one. You know what I'm saying, dude? So if I'm wearing like a big fucking polo, dude,

that's comfy and some flex fit jeans that I can like, you know, facilitate my body with, dude, it's game over, man. You don't chafe with the jeans on?

The flex fit's nice? No, dude. I wear like, I wear like, you know, you have like boxers that are like wicked baggy and your nuts can like

flop around and shit. I don't wear those, but I know what you're talking about. Yeah, I don't wear those either. I wear the ones that are like compressed. Oh, yeah. just you're just all caught up and all caught up dude you know so i'm never chafing dude but i'm telling you dude if you wore some flex fit jeans dude people would look at you like this kid's a loser and that would motivate you to be like all right let's get it on i'm more of a jorts guy really yeah like flex fit jorts or just jorts in general? Yeah.

I had skinny jeans, cut them into jorts. So they're kind of like flex fit, I'd say. Maybe I'll wear them to the gym one day. I mean, dude, I've worn actual jeans to the gym and they rip. So you don't want that to happen to you. That might be even better, though. You can't leave until they rip. Yeah, but I mean.

It's expensive, huh? Yeah, it's expensive, man. Jeans aren't cheap, dude. I mean, they are. But, like, dude, if you rip them, like, it's expensive yeah it's expensive man jeans aren't cheap dude i mean they are like dude if you rip them like it's loud as fuck so it's that sounds like a fart bro yeah if you do that quick rip yeah it's a fucking squeaker man yeah that's what that's why i do it man i like i like just like not having an ego man like i never want to be one of those guys who has like a muscle shit on who's just like all pumped up and shit like just like it's just like a big swing and dick contest dude it's like i don't want to be a part

of that man the alpha males they're all fighting over the same girl it's like dude look that chick probably has a boyfriend bro okay she probably works at h&r block all right she's got it figured out dude leave her alone you know what i mean put your jeans on and shut the fuck up yeah these guys have like i don't know dude have you ever seen a guy with like small man syndrome at the gym, dude? Yeah, dude. You're looking at him. No, you don't. Dude, you're like smiling and like having a good time.

Yeah, no. I'm there to have a good time. But yeah, I know who you're talking about. Yeah, you see those like short dudes with like no hair and like a big beard? Yeah. And they're always mad. Like worried about what you're doing rather than what they're doing. I was like, dude, I just don't want to be like that, man.

You know? I just want to be a guy who like people look at and they're just like genuinely confused. They're like, you know what? I don't know what he's doing. You're nailing it, dude. they're like you know what i don't know what he's doing dude yeah like i don't know what he's doing but i'm gonna leave him alone you know what i mean so you don't i mean dude you don't want to be like one of those guys that's like sizing another guy up it's like think about that like yeah like calendar like wraps and weight looking over the bars dude what are you doing with your life man yeah like just get in dude have a good time man get out bro you know don't be a douche like it's not that hard and you guys don't have to wear masks either right no no dude that's that is the worst part dude i don't like i never get political on the podcast like i don't know anything about politics but like this virus

is like legitimately the dumbest thing in the world dude it's crazy what's going on with our world it's literally insane and it dude it has to do with politics like there's no doubt in my mind yeah like i'm not saying like the liberals like initiated this whole thing i mean they could have i'm just saying dude like i will wear a mask like i'm not saying i'm not gonna wear a mask i'm just saying dude it's like this is so fucking stupid dude you need like you know when you leave your house you're like i got my my phone i got my wall i fucking stupid. Dude, you need like, you know, when you leave your house, you're like, I got my, my phone. I got my wall. I got my keys. Yeah. Now you need your fucking mask, dude. Think about all people like, dude, nobody's going to like wear a mask and then like get a new one. They're just going to wear the same mask over and over again, which I'm assuming you,

you have to go to. Yeah, dude. I just put in my truck. I'm like, if I have to use this, I have to use this. Dude, I get like anxious with my mask on. Like I get like, I'm like, dude, I can't fucking breathe and shit. you literally can't breathe yeah dude i got a massage last night i couldn't fucking breathe i don't have the mask or fucking mask dude i can't breathe i was like i'm literally choking right now like i can't fucking breathe how was the ending it's happy dude yeah you were happy when you left dude i remember those uh stories in high school dude yeah i mean massage parlors yeah dude i don't know man that you know there's nothing uh we'll

cut this out dude you should hear like i've heard some crazy stories man man, that I was never a part of. But, I mean, like newspaper reported stories. Have you ever heard of like junior zaki? Like junior, it's a league, but you're not going to school. You're not doing anything. So these kids' stories about like the massage parlor and just their life, dude. It's like they're living a quarantine life, but they can do whatever they they want really junior is juniors like you're prepping for something else yeah it's like you're in between like high school and college my kids will go there to like get a couple extra years so they're a little older when they start it's like their way of like developing

i guess skill wise i never got to do it but what happened with you like what was your hockey story um so i got out of high school like start from high school like your senior year of high school like what were you thinking senior year of high school yeah it's like you had those handles dude you know dude i was but like it was it's rhode island hockey so it's like what's like a good so a good hockey state is like closer to canada really no mass is nasty really yeah mass the like biggest one is minnesota that yeah it's so close to canada or yeah they just have like dude they're nasty up there but and then yeah all the canadians they can probably play year-round too right yeah and i mean i wanted to go to uri and i was like if i can play hockey i

will but i didn't think i was gonna make it really because the kids it's all like older kids like average age in the league it's 23, 24. Oh, really? Yeah. So I just tried out and somehow made it and just like stuck with it. Did you play a lot? My freshman year, I didn't play at all. And I was kind of just like in the weight room. Really?

Yeah. I got the freshman 15 quick. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Dude, same here. I got the freshman like 40 dude yeah dude there's some good food at uri dude i can't even fucking the stir fry there you ever have the stir fry no i was never willing to wait in line that long but chris hayes would always get that dude

yeah literally we'd have to wait like two hours for him but like it would i think it paid off two hours before and then two hours after yeah you've got to take the biggest shits after those. Dude, I've said this before on the podcast, but the reason I left URI was I actually cried taking a shit. After the dining hall? Yeah. I was like, I gained like 30 pounds and I remember just taking a shit. It was like 10 in the morning and i was shitting for like an hour and then i just started crying i was like what i was like what have i become

what uh what dorm are you in i forgot the name of it it's the one near uh it's like right across the street from the nursing dorm oh okay so we would always see some bad bitches dude walking across yeah um yeah i never really uh yeah i never really saw that many hot chicks unless they were across the street. Yeah. You know what I mean? Then coming back to your room. Dude, I was in Gorham. Have you ever somehow snuck your way down there?

Okay, yeah. So it's kind of far away from that. Yeah. Yeah, and we we were looking at like cockroaches and shit really that was a highlight of our head i wonder where all the hot chicks went man i don't know if we like scared them off or something like i would see like some decent girls but like i feel like all the hot girls were like you know nursing majors and whatnot yeah and um yeah man i literally like my first semester of college we would just get

baked in the uh the parking lot it was like me josh pizzarelli and chris hayes and like chris never smoked yeah dude so we would go in josh's car and we would just play like uh electric light orchestra like don't bring me down and just like rip the bong like 10 times and like chris would come just to watch and he just like laugh his ass off and then we would have to walk all the way back and i just remember like being so like inconsolably high like dude we would just walk by people and i would just like start bursting out laughing for no reason are you one of those kids like you can't stop laughing and yeah i mean that's the only reason like uh i haven't done in a while and i've been thinking about starting again but like i just like i feel like i lose brain cells you know what i mean i feel like i force other people to lose brain cells

yeah because i think you're naturally high yeah that's what you know i feel like i'm naturally like i asked you when i came in i'm like are you baked right now yeah because i'm like i try to explain to people like dude like on the podcast like i'm already laughing enough you know what i mean like in life in general dude like literally at the most random times, like I'll just burst out laughing, dude. You know what I mean? Like for no reason. So I don't really have a, like I don't need to get high to laugh.

You know what I mean? It's just like, I think it's for like other people surrounding me just to like feel better about themselves. Yeah, dude. Like my, my college, uh, like you or I only went for a semester, but dude, that's like all we would do. I would wake up at like 11. I would do, I would sleep for like days at a time.

I had like a Tempur-Pedic dude. dude um we had a portable ac in our room dude um i remember playing nhl like 17 or whatever it was back then i was like 19 now 18 they're all the same game yeah they're all the same dude i mean back in i feel like they were better before but va sucks either way, dude. Yeah. Remember, dude, me and Adam Ogilvie, dude, we got ripped right before Christmas vacation, dude. So we were blasting Christmas carols, like, ripped just playing NHL, man. Like, I had a good time, man. I had a good time there. I'm not really sure why I left. You know, I had some, like, emotional problems, obviously.

Yeah. But, yeah, man, you have you have like you have it all in front of you there just like the food man like oh yeah easily can gain weight you just should not be an issue you have to be like disciplined or just have a really high metabolism man yeah you know what i mean like for me dude i was literally like lactating on a daily basis in class i was like one of the dumbest fucking kids in class because i was always like, I know, but like I do, I literally, I would not study.

I would just, I'd be stoned on the weekends and drunk and like literally just so unhealthy, dude. Like, so when I went to class, like, I don't know if you've ever been like, I mean,

both of us are pretty, like we both know how to read. Like we're not like, you know, we're like, we made it there. Like, you know,

we could handle it. Like I was just at that point where I was like, so fucking like we made it there like you know we could handle it like i was just at that point where i was like so fucking like just messed up like health-wise and like mentally i was just like i'm not doing this work you know yeah and you don't want to waste the money while you're down there too you know and like the classes dude like i took a fucking latin class this guy was like john like you mind reading this paragraph i'm like dude are you fucking high right now like it's like all backwards lettering. Like, there's no spaces.

I'm like, yeah, I'm going to drop this class. Why'd you take Latin? That's your first mistake. I was just like, that's how dumb I was. I was like, oh, this will be cool, man. Just taking Latin, like the fucking dead language. Dude, that'll be good. I fucking dropped the class literally after one week.

I remember some hot chick, like, spewing some Latin shit. I was like, that was hot, but I gotta go gotta go like fucking dumbest class in the world dude and then you have those lectures do like 500 people and you're like wow dude there was some hot chicks and those you ever have those like the 500 lectures yeah dude there's always like that moment where you're like waiting for the hot chicks to walk in and you're like yes dude peeking around yeah dude they make it so noticeable too dude i always had like i had a couple lectures my classes were always like smaller and i was always just the kid go in the back throw the hood on like kind of like one of like the school shooter type looking kid yeah yeah athlete too i guess that's what the athletes do

dude yeah yeah i would just throw my hood on and kind of like do my own thing because i didn't want to be like. Yeah. Because I was an asshole in high school where like people get pissed off. But in college, people are paying for that shit. So they're like, dude, shut the fuck up. That's not funny. Like you farted, dude.

Sick. Yeah, you can't do that in college. Even though it would be like wicked funny. Oh, yeah, because kids would actually get mad. If there's a good place to let one go. Dude, that was how I almost got in my first fight, man. Just farting in class. Really?

In college? No. Come on high school, dude. Yeah. Someone got in your face? Dude, yeah. I was in class. There was like a kid behind me and like it just got wicked quiet and I was just feeling it, dude.

So I was like, all right. Did you have like a buddy with you or were you just by yourself? just feeling it, dude. So I was like, all right. Did you have, like, a buddy with you, or were you just by yourself? Completely by myself, dude. That takes balls. There was one kid who I was, like, pretty good friends with. I remember him being on the other side of the classroom, and I was like, I think that's why I did it. I was like, dude, he'll hear this, and he'll be like, that's fucking awesome, dude. So, like, I literally just fucking rip one, and i just keep a straight face and like everyone just

like starts bursting out in a laughter and the teacher's like all right like who did it and everyone was like john did it and like she looked at me and she was like john wouldn't do that like john doesn't talk and like that just made me wicked upset like i was like you're not even gonna give me credit for like farting i won't talk but i'll talk out of my asshole so she like immediately goes back to the board dude and i do it again oh and the kid behind me was like dude if you do that again like i'm gonna fucking beat the shit out of you relax buddy i did it three consecutive times dude and this uh this kid dude he literally took the wrong bus home like took my bus home just to fight me really yeah like i was walking home and i just

felt a snowball hit the back of my head and he was like let's fucking go dude and i was like who the fuck are you man he was like dude you farted on me in class and i was like fuck and uh dude we didn't even end up fighting so like i mean his loss man like he took the wrong bus and you just had to like walk off i the distance I mean you were a small kid though you probably would have done it yeah dude that's how mad he was

yeah dude we were like the same size but like I probably would have kicked his ass but like I'm not gonna fart in someone's face and then kick their ass

yeah jeez like can you imagine explaining that to the cops just being like yeah I farted on this kid they'd dap you up just give me knuckles they're like alright man

go home dude one of my buddies was telling me a story he was in uh providence and there was like a there's like a little party and there's a kind of a fight and this it's a kind of a brawl five on five this kid walks up to him and grabs me goes hey you look like you don't want to fight right now you want to just pretend they like they're just like grabbing each other pretending to fight some cops pull up they're coming down the street and they're like what the fuck was that to fight some cops pull up they're coming down

the street and they're like what the fuck was that like we were trying to watch a fight here like the cops are just letting them go to watch something yeah dude was that you said that was in providence yeah dude what do you think providence is gonna end up like what do you mean with all this yeah are you talking about the schools and stuff just in general like the area i feel like it's kind of like going to shit. Yeah, I know. My mom's a teacher there. Really?

Like it was her first day today. She's like, it's crazy. Because teachers are like scared to go in and stuff. Yeah. Especially ones with like newborns and stuff like that. Yeah. Did you ever really like going out in Providence? Because I never really like.

No, I never really went out in Providence. I've been to like that new place out there. What's it called? I don't know. I forgot the name of it but it's right on the river i feel like places are always like changing the names are changing and stuff yeah rooftops like cool i guess yeah man it's pretty pricey i mean yeah i'm more of like a jay graze guy like i'd rather just go to jay graze or like a local bar. Yeah, I've been there like maybe like once or twice, but I always see people I know, which is kind of. You don't like that? No, it's nice, man.

Like, you know, you have people to talk to, whereas like I'm the kind of guy who like if I don't know who I'm around, like I'm just kind of like there. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's kind of uncomfortable. Do you go there for Thanksgiving? Usually the day before. Yeah, man.

Definitely see a lot of people there, which is cool. Yeah. I feel like it's one of those places where you just want to go, like, on and off. You don't want to be there, like, all the time. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude. I don't know, man. I stopped drinking for, like, a year or two, but then I, like, kind of got back into it.

And now I'm kind of, like, on and off. You know what I mean? Whenever you want. Like, I'll do it to have a good time. I've been doing it sometimes when I golf now. And it's, like, I don't know. It's fun. It eases it up a little bit because golf can be stressful as all hell.

Yeah, but, dude, I've been – sometimes I just drink, like, too much. So, like, I'll be fucking crushing it on, like, the first, like, six holes. And then after that, I'm just, like, swinging for the fences. Dude, you want to hear something hilarious? So, I go golfing yesterday with dan hunt at like eight or nine in the morning he's a good golfer too right he's a good golfer yeah he's a good golfer dude so we golf like all the time and uh like out of all the people like so we're at this uh this course called the loquicit have you ever been there

no it's in north providence and like the entire course is just surrounded by houses it's like a nightmare for me, dude. It's, like, I'm slicing everything. Like, I either slice everything or pull everything, and, like, here and there, I'll hit it straight. Yeah. Dude, it's, like, the first hole, you have houses on each side. I just cruise one over the house. Like, we didn't hear anything.

I don't think anything broke. So, like, dude, fast forward to the last hole. Literally the last hole. You're hammered at this point. Oh, no. I wasn't drinking at all. We were both sober, dude. It was, like, wicked forward to the last hole literally the last hole you're hammered at this point oh no i wasn't drinking at all we were both sober dude it's like wicked early in the morning they're like all right man last hole like let's fucking kill it dude so i like actually hit one straight dan hits one dude there's a landscaper outside like weed whacking this dude's lawn it hits him right in the leg like beams him dude and he's like he's like listening to music like weed whacking and we were like i didn't scream for because i don't really care

but dan was like shitting himself he's like no he's a four and fucking hits this dude in the leg and we're like oh should he go down didn't even flinch dude but he whips out his phone dude his phone broke like there was a massive welt on his phone it's like we drove over and dude he didn't even speak a word of english are you liable for that dude and then like so dan's like hey man like what do you want me to do like i'm not gonna pay for your phone man like i'm sorry like i yelled for whatever and this guy's like no say no say like doesn't speak english dude so he calls his boss to come down who like barely speaks english either and then dude out of nowhere this karen dude comes up on a deck, the house next door. And she's like, hey, you guys know, like, you're going to have to pay for that, right?

Like, you're going to have to take care of that for them, right? Karen. We were like, Karen, like, come on. We got this. And, dude, I guess, like, they don't cover personal damage. Like, the golf course, like, they'll cover, like, if you break a window or something. Yeah. Which, I mean, I guess that makes sense.

It's like, the house isn't on the course, though. You know what I mean? Yeah. So, I feel like you should be able to cover, like, and they were like, they were like, Dan, you have, like, homeowner's insurance. And it's like, Dan was just like, I'm not paying for this. Yeah, dude. He just gave him, like, that.

Take me to court. Yeah. So, I feel like Dan's just going to be like, hey, like, you can talk to my lawyer or whatever. Like, I mean, I wouldn't pay for that, dude. No. I'd be like, dude, you're listening to music with a fucking weed whacker, bro. Like, the hole's... Next to a golf course.

Dude, the hole is right there. Like, it's not like it's like far away, dude. It's like you're literally like on the course. It's not like this is the PGA Tour. We can't... Like, I could see that fucking happening to me, dude. Like, me just like cruising one through a window or something. But, like, out of all the things, dude, think about that.

That hit his fucking phone. Could have hit him in the head and killed him, dude. It would have been even worse. That would have been fucking awesome, dude. Oh, my God. Have you ever seen a dude get hit in the head with a golf ball? No, I have not. Luckily, I hope I never do.

I've heard stories. No, it's fucking scary, dude. You've seen it? Yeah. I remember, because my birthday was on Aprilil 20th like a few years ago it's a crazy date no one like no one remembers my birthday so i'll like call people on my birthday be like hey man you want to hang out they'll be like sure man they just never show up so like i think it was like me john stoddard was there you know john stoddard yeah and uh joe marcolini dude back in the day so we meet up at this like wicked shitty golf course and we're about to tee off and this guy John Stoddard was there. You know John Stoddard? And Joe Marcolini, dude, back in the day.

So we meet up at this wicked shitty golf course, and we're about to tee off, and this guy pulls up in the nicest beamer ever. And you can tell he's drunk because he parked in between parking spaces, and he's blasting music. And we're trying to tee off. The tee box is right there, and he just walks up to us,

and he only has one leg. So we're like, hey, what's going on, like how you doing this guy is legit this guy only has one leg dude i swear to god and we're like what's going on man like how's it going he was like yo you guys mind if i uh check out your clubs and we're like what he's like yeah man i just want to see you know what you guys got in the bag jo dude. Joe Margolini has, like, a brand new, like, $550 driver. He's like, ah, you mind if I hit this, bro? And Joe's like, wicked high. Joe's like, wicked high. He's like, I mean, I guess, man.

Dude, it cracked. Yeah. This guy, like, happy Gilmore'd it. Like, he, like, ran up to the ball and hit it. And he fucking beamed some dude right in the head. And he just dropped. Like, he literally just dropped. Like, dude. What did you guys do? do like i literally cannot stop laughing dude it was like that's a guy's laying like because like the starter came out and was like what just happened we're like oh

like he just hit a wobbler's man in the court he was like oh like are you uh like are you with these guys and we're like uh this guy we're like nah man and i guess he was like a legit regular like he'll regularly go there just cocked and just fuck with people. But, like, dude, it was actually, it was, like, it was so funny just considering, like, he had one leg and he was cocked and he had, like, the nicest beamer ever. But, like, dude, once it hit that dude in the head, like, he just dropped to the ground. Dude, that's terrifying. Yeah.

All right, brother. You want to wrap it up yeah you happy with this I'm happy with it yeah I'm happy with it too man we're gonna cut out we're gonna cut out the massage piece

no I'm just gonna keep it yeah I don't think anyone's gonna notice yeah cause I never said any like names yeah I never said anything dude

I just said I had a good time yeah I never said anything, dude. I just said I had a good time. Yeah.