The Johnny Salami Podcast - Sam Buck

Episode Date: August 10, 2022

Sam Buck by The Johnny Salami Podcast

Dude, if you had like your own commercial for that, what would it be? If I had a Celsius ad. You high as fuck? It just means, you're like, you ever smoke so much that you're in a paralyzed state and you need a little energy? Drink Celsius. It'll give you the anxiety attack you need. Dude, I could see that, man. You in like a field with like a bunch of goats and shit.

Bro. That would be sick, man. Why goats? I don't fucking know. It'd be awesome, dude. I did grow up in a farm town, so I did grow up. Yeah. a field with like a bunch of goats and shit bro that would be sick man why goats it would just be awesome dude i did grow up in a farm town so i did grow up yeah i like the smell dude you were like in an open field i like eating you like the smell of manure dude yeah i do bro fucking boy dude hey that's a real man that's a real man i like the smell of my own shit dude but like anyone else's shit i'm kind of like all right why is that we're just like my farts dude like i always smell my farts and then i'll like rate them i'll be like that was pretty good

you know one of my fit yo this might be weird as hell and i'm sorry to start off the podcast this way but i meditate like i try to meditate every morning oh shit and when i go into like my when you meditate for long enough you like go into your meditative state yeah and one of my favorite things to do when i'm meditating is like fart because it's involuntary but like everything's off when you're meditating so you just like imagine you are your asshole while you're farting and that's what it feels like oh so you don't like it's not like uh there's no intent to fart it just fucking it just comes out and you are one with your asshole bro dude you what if you like what if you shit yourself you just have to be like i just keep going with them i couldn't or there's like people around you

like i'm on a train and i'm like uh yeah when i was uh when i was in college in high school they had this uh this place called the zen center in my fucking town not an asian restaurant fucking it was just a bunch of monks and they lived there and it was like their fucking estate or whatever and they had uh dude we would get so high in the parking lot and what do i guess uh these like high school kids they went in the woods like over the weekend or something and they just got like trashed and they were like they were throwing beer bottles and doing stupid like lighting fires and stuff so dude me and like two of my friends are like we're pussies dude and we're like super high and we're just chilling we're chilling in the parking lot dude and at the time like i had a flame truck i had this massive dodge

ram with flames on it like tinted windows like i'm a pussy but i'm driving dude so we're like high as tits listening to like avril lavigne and this dude this dude just pulls up and just like comes out of his car just knocks on the window and just starts screaming at us because he thought like we were the kids who were like vandalizing and shit dude it was so scary like we're listening to avril lavigne right it's like dude you hear this right now we might be vandalizing your ears but we didn't dude he was about to fuck bro that you know what i thought about the other day this is so crazy speaking of people coming up to your cars i was going to buy mushrooms once and the dude told me his car like i go to this

like remote area like we're in a gas we're at a gas station and i see the dude and i'm like oh word so i just like go over and i get in his car and he just like looks over and just goes oh he starts screaming it just wasn't the dude he just got in some random dude's car he just started screaming bro like screaming bloody murder like i was gonna fucking was he like peaceful afterwards or was he just freaking the fuck out i was like i was just trying to buy mushrooms and he was like oh okay damn honestly dude if someone got in my car like that i probably wouldn't say much yeah i just passed the joint yeah i don't know if i would like at this point would you punch him fuck no dude not unless they punched me you know if they were just chilling that'd be rude to get in your car and punch you.

I'm a super nice guy, dude. Like, I'll give you a ride and shit. You know what I'm saying? I used to eat Subway salads, dude. Does that make you a nice... I went to Subway for lunch today. Really? Subway fucks, man. Subway does fuck.

Yeah. Their salads are underrated, man. I don't eat the salads. Well, they used to be better, but if you get a double chicken chop salad, dude. Jared fucked it up for the salads, bro. No, he fucking, he tosses some salad, bro. When Jared was done tossing salads. I used to eat in the parking lot, dude.

I would just chill in the parking lot and eat, like, double chicken chop salads. And one day this kid came up to my truck, and he was like, hey, man, like, can I have a ride? And I was like, what the fuck? You didn't have that in the fire truck? No, i was like oh yeah with my flames yeah it's not the fire you're driving a fire truck i was in a fire that would be dope you know how people like get like like retired cop cars yeah imagine getting a retired fire truck i mean if that's legal you know just driving that shit around that'd be dope it'd be tough for parking and shit but definitely be worth it if you're like a batman version dude trying to parallel park dude imagine get out get out and

tell me if i'm good dude if you had like your own logo on it too oh yeah i saw it dude i saw tax write-off do you ever see uh do you ever see like custom paint jobs that you think are cool or most of them like never once really yeah dude i was merging onto the highway the other day and this dude had a volkswagen you know it looks like they were like i don't know where they went but it was just covered in mud dude and they drew penises all over the car dude that's not custom it's not a custom paint job i mean dude that's custom to me there was like 40 dicks on the car imagine going to pimp my ride and they just throw dirt on it and draw dicks so like here you go yeah they send you an invoice dude i just found out that show was fake and it's ruined my like year is it really yeah

that wouldn't like surprise me tiffany haddish was on it is she hot comedian she's all right and she's not the right no she's not that hot oh dude i'm thinking about that girl from uh uh that black chick from um wasn wasn't Survivor, dude. What was that model show when we were growing up? America's Next Top Model. Who's that black chick? I don't... Bro, what the fuck? Dude, she was so hot.

Why were you driving the flame truck when you listened to Avril Lavigne and watched America's Next Top Model? It's my life, dude. driving the flame truck when you listen to avril lavigne and watch america's next top model it's my life dude i'm not judging the car just doesn't match no i never did dude we would listen to some fucking bangers dude you know what i'm saying just like avro dude shania fucking just female power balance fucking heart dude dude you're getting so amped thinking about thinking about these fucking dude if you were with your boys dude at like mcdonald's or something and you saw me pull up in a flame truck just blasting like alone by heart you could hear it i'd be like this guy's about to go viral on tiktok you ever see something crazy on the street and before i'd be like this person's on drugs now

i'm just like this person's trying to go viral on tiktok like there's some hidden cameraman yeah no one ever noticed dude i mean they might have honestly they just they were so scared of you that they just averted. They're like, this guy's definitely going to murder me. Dude, there were so many situations where people were like, they just thought we were fucking killing farm animals and shit, and we were just there to have a good time. But do you meditate outside or inside?

Inside. Really? Mm-hmm. Do you have your own inside? Inside. Really? Mm-hmm. Do you have, like, your own, like, stage? My floor. I would love if I built my own meditation stage. I just lay on the floor. Dude, I'll fucking, I'll help you out, dude.

We'll go to Home Depot. You'll build me a meditation stage? Yeah, I'll fucking come over on the weekends, dude. You'll meditate with me? Just fucking shit our pants, dude. Together? Dude, simultaneously. Cross shits? Yeah, dude. Fucking pop off, dude.

We'll go like knee to knee. Dude, I would be there specifically for the farting. Remember when you were younger in gym class and they made you hold the people's feet down when they're doing sit-ups that's what you're gonna do pretty open-minded dude i would fucking i would meditate i might

start laughing but i would try it out like at what it's kind of it's kind of hard to like not take it seriously like i don't have you ever been to a zen center like a meditation center yeah dude it's hard so dumb really i i felt like i was in another fucking dimension dude it's like going to church it's like why are you doing this enjoy you can't you have to go to a place to like something yeah i mean do they have you can watch movies at home like you don't need to go to the movie like a mat like we need a netflix for jesus you can watch jesus on demand you don't have to go to fucking church i mean i don't know i think it's more about like setting kind of matters dude i feel like if i was going to meditate like i can't fucking meditate in front of like mclovin dude you know i'm saying your eyes are closed but we

also live next to a train track dude dude, so that'd be tough. That would be tough. But I don't know. Like, my downstairs neighbors scream all the fucking time. Really? Well, it's an old couple, and the dude never screams. I think he's dead. Just like some lady screaming at a dead body?

Yeah, and she just screams all the time, and she says the most wild shit so while i'm meditating she'll just be screaming sometimes you can like keep focus though i have i like that's the practice of it really but that's when i will let like a month ago she was yo she goes they're old like they're old she goes i never loved you as much as my last boyfriend and he used to hit me what yeah bro fuck and he just says nothing back nothing damn i've never heard him talk once you just know he's there i just know you you feel those presents i feel the presence of a broken man you should speak for him, dude. Just barge in, dude. I'm sick of this shit. I need to stand up for him. He's just like dead.

His skin's just peeled back. But dude, so like give or take, how high are you all the time? Nine out of ten. Really? All the time. And then if it hits like eight o'clock, I'll hit that ten out of ten. Dude, so like...

I don't wake and bake though. I give myself like an hour or two. Damn, even when you're on stage, you're like blitzed? Yeah. Holy fuck. What goes on in your mind? Are you just kind of used to it?

Yeah, I'm just kind of used to it. It just makes me super, like, hard on myself. Wow. Like, I like the paranoia, though. Damn. It's fucking intense, dude. I don't know. Maybe I don't like it.

Like, it's just kind of, like, normal at this point. But you still feel it, though. Like, you feel it. Yeah. feel yeah first i smoke strong ass weed damn dude and people will take hits and have panic attacks fuck man like i had to make a rule that like i can't smoke on dates anymore what because you know how bad a date will go if like a chick's like i smoke and you're like okay yeah you don't smoke like me and you don't smoke this level of weed yeah so she then takes like one hit off the joint it was just having a panic attack and the passenger seats like this date's over it's kind of funny though it happened like three or four times and

i'm like these chicks can't smoke like i can't and then i just don't want to go on dates because i don't want to not be able to i mean I mean, weed's dope, though, man. It's just not for everyone, obviously. Yeah. You know, like, dude, if I get high, you know. You said I was going to call the cops on you if you got high. No, you would. I mean, we would probably laugh our asses off. It would just be like 40 minutes of us laughing.

Like, which would be great, but I would be fucking losing my mind. You know what I mean? What made you stop? I mean, I definitely couldn't be be i couldn't do it in public um yeah like if i went on stage high dude i would i'd probably start like speaking in latin dude that would be impressive like a fucking yeah is there any comedians who's doing in latin imagine if i did that comedy competition and just like walked out high as fucking just started speaking latin fucking five minutes of straight up latin i don't even know what latin sounds like it's a dead language i took latin in college dude and i dude i

used to get high as fucking college i took latin for a week dude dropped it immediately this dude walked in with like dude his hair was like four feet long he's like yeah i'm here to teach you the dead language but dude there was a bunch of hot chicks in class it was kind of like it was like it was a it would have been a good porno yeah you know what i'm saying so many hot chicks who are like emotionally invested in latin and like when you see it written down there's no spaces just continuous fucking symbols and you're like what nothing gets chicks wetter than continuous symbols they're like wait there's no spaces i can i only have to write in emojis dude that does dude that gets chicks fucking wet as fuck bro

imagine speaking to a chick's pussy in latin dude doing latin with your tongue it's a latin alphabet she's trying to figure it out she's like are you a fucking cyborg dude that's why the dude has the four foot long hair it's just chicks pulling on it can you imagine what that dude's doing chicks pussies like that dude's probably shredding pussy no one eats pussy like a latin dude the second he walked in i was like this guy sleeps with half of his fucking students. Men and women. He didn't pick you and you're like, I'm dropping the class? He called on me once, dude, and I was just like, I fucking have no idea, bro. Have you ever done that?

When you get called on, you're like, no fucking clue, dude. Oh, yeah. I used to get so baked in class that I don't even remember this dumb shit, I would say, but I would just go off the top because i didn't read anything so i'd just be making shit up oh yeah i also my nose like doesn't work like works like 20 years now like i can smell like so minimal like i should be a latin teacher no but my nose doesn't work, so when I first started smoking weed, I didn't know how strong the smell was. Oh, shit. So I'd go into class with, like, a loose joint in my pocket.

So when you fart, what happens? I can smell that. Oh, really? I'm confident you're on that. I told you Subway farts Nothing's better than ham from Subway farts Damn My fucking boy dude

Ham farts Dude I bought so many like air fresheners From my car dude From farts. What? Do you just need a bumper sticker? Just as Auschwitz. Dude, literally my friend, there was like air fresheners like.

Did you get a high? You know those fucking new car scent fresheners there was like it was like this much in like width there's like 30 of them just lined up dude I like

I don't know what I like my car smells like weed like it it smells like weed when the doors are closed Jesusesus like outside the car i'll be in like i remember i was at my dad's house and he was like standing next to my car and he's like i can smell the weed through the fucking door just and that's you with hearts though

just the whip it goes in the seats dude you gotta get leather seats. Sometimes I'll be driving on the highway, dude, and I'm like, I'll just come ahead of the fence, dude. Being an adult is realizing that leather seats aren't for nicer looks. They're for blocking farts.

No, dude, even the leather doesn't hold up, man. It'll just slip through the cracks. No, dude, even the leather doesn't hold up, man. It'll just slip through the cracks. Well, honestly, dude. It looks like waves in the leather seat. Oh, dude. It slips into the air vents, though, man. Like one time, this booker was like,

hey, man, I need you to pick up this chick and drive her all the way to Worcester. And I was like, all right, man, I guess. So I had to pick her up at a hotel in downtown Boston. And I was like, dude, if you pick this chick up, like, you got to buy at least, like, five fucking air fresheners. You really worry about that. So I bought, like, a whole pack of those new Carson fresheners

and, like, put them up, dude. And I just remember us, like, we were on the highway, dude, and, like, right through the vents, bro. Just like... Dude, you have, like like did someone die in your asshole i don't know dude i fucking pop off though dude do you just drink a lot of fucking protein shakes i mean you've seen this shit i drink dude even at the show i was drinking like coffee and fucking canada dry i guess i guess but there's something more to that well no i have beef and eggs for

breakfast and then i like chicken and rice for lunch. So all that mixed together with like coffee and like low self-esteem, dude. That'll get you. Nothing. Yeah. Self-esteem ruins. Damn. I'm trying to think.

Do you think having bad confidence in yourself makes you exude worse smells? Yeah. It's like an outlet. I mean, dude, I use like Hollister cologne. You're trying to fuck 16-year-olds? Jake. Jake by Hollister, dude. Jake.

I'm more of a Greg guy myself. Dude, I smell like a beach, like a 16-year-old beach. I'm more of a Greg guy myself. Dude, I smell like a beach, like a 16-year-old beach. You know what I'm saying? No, I don't. I don't know what you're saying. It smells good, though. I don't know if the beach is 16 years old.

Were you like a big kid growing up? Like were you a fat child? Oh, yeah. Were you a shirt-in-the-pool kid? Yeah, for a while, yeah. And then you realize it doesn't help anything yeah it makes it worse it's just a wet t-shirt contest just weighing you down and then it like gets caught up under your titty he's caught in the rolls man it's so worse especially if you want a white t-shirt well you can't go to the pool with a black t-shirt it has to be a white t-shirt i mean i don't know dude i would wear like fucking t-shirts with logos on them.

And they would have like the fucking broken plastic. Oh, yeah. I would just be like clogging the filter of the pool. Just ruining shirts, man. Or when you like you finally get the confidence and you take your shirt off and you jump in the pool. And then like 10 minutes later, people get out of the pool. And you're like, I thought I was just going gonna stay in the pool for the rest of my life now yeah dude i thought no one else knew what that felt like man but it's a fucking terrible feeling

dude i don't want to relive that again man you're having flashbacks i feel like nowadays it's more accepting but like when i was growing up it was like dude you just ruined like a few people's lives you know what i'm saying you ever think anybody wakes up screaming thinking about your tits probably about my nipples dude i got some big ass nipples too yeah that'll fuck you up man dude i have a lot of bi girls trying to suck my nipples because i kind of look like i have like like lesbian a cups you're like salamis or like pepperonis dude salamis are like bigger than pepperonis i got like mine looks more like if you have salamis dude you'll know mine looks like an olive loaf really are? No. Are they hard or are they soft?

Pretty hard. Really? Yeah. Fuck, dude. I'm jealous, man. You got the inverted ones? Mine, they mold with the temperature. If it's hot out, dude, they'll just be wicked fluffy.

But, dude, if it's cold, dude, I have like 40 nipples around my nipples. You ever get that? Oh. I have like 80 nipples, dude. Yeah. I have like 80 nipples, dude. I have like 80 nipples, dude. Your nipples just look like the alien thing. It's like the mouth coming out and then all the teeth around it.

Alien versus fucking salami, dude. Yeah. Would you fuck a female alien? If she had a pussy? Yeah, but it looked like the alien from the movie Aliens. Yeah, but what does her pussy look like? It looks like the mouth, but pussy. Like, there's a pussy that comes out of it.

What would she say? Like, she'd say, you want to fuck me? She's just making the noises. She, like, got me going, dude. You know? She, like, had, like, a hairy fucking bush. She was like... That's what you like? She had, like, a fucking bush she was like that's what you like

she had like a hairy bush and like didn't pay her taxes dude i'd be like oh fuck you dude there were a lot of those chicks at the chris webby concert last night really there was some it was at hampton beach there was some that's in new hampshire yeah trashy broads there what what do you mean like is that just the area really land yeah i've never been so i don't really yeah it's like white trash cape cod there's nothing wrong with that i guess like what do you mean though like describe the vibe to me because this is like a rap a lot of yeah but a lot of like chicks with barbed wire tattoos. Oh, really? You don't like that?

I could see you with like a barbed wire chick, dude. I thought you were going to say you could see me with a barbed wire tattoo. And I was like, you're off by that. Like chicks that I feel like they would just like. Choke you out? Squeeze your dick until it popped. Oh, shit. Like they have like calluses on their hands yeah like chicks who work you ever go to like a jiffy lube and there's a chick work in

there yeah i've never been to a jiffy lube but i know what you're saying like a speedy oh are you like anti-capitalist you don't go to corporate corporate conglomerates like i don't go to corporate conglomerates like Jiffy Lube? Dude, I don't think we have Jiffy Lubes where I'm from. Where are you from? I've seen the commercials, but... There's Jiffy Lubes everywhere, bro. Where do you get your oil changed? Triple plate car wash.

That sounds like the trashiest... You get your oil changed named after a slot machine. They have, like, a baseball field, like, a small one out front. It's kind of cool. They always try to rip you off, though. Like, do you want to go play catch while someone changes your oil? No, they're like, hey, you want the thing you got last time, or do you want to upgrade to this shit that's $5,000?

Oh, yeah. They'll always, like, show me, like, a dildo with fluid on it, and they'll be like, this is what your shit looks looks like this is what it's supposed to look like i'm like dude you just took that out of a fucking cabinet or the filter they'll be like this is what your filter looks like and i'll be like i want to be like when they show me the filter they won't have anything in it but be a little darker and i'm like motherfucker you don't realize i'm smoking weed in my car the whole time of course the filter's gonna be fucked imagine if you just like lit up a bong right in front of him bro i was with my friend we were in chicago and we got in a fight this is the stupidest thing

we got in a fight because i sprayed him with like like, Febreze by accident. And he got so mad that we literally were returning the rental car. And we smoked in the car, but we're like, we're not going to have to pay the rental fee. This motherfucker gets so mad, he lights a joint as he's handing in the car. It hurts. The guy goes to open the door, and he's just lit up a joint. Dude, I heard Hertz Fox now that Tom Brady's like repping him. Hertz Fox. If I ever rent a car, dude, I'm going to go to Hertz for sure.

I just became 25, so now it's just like not expensive as hell to rent a car. Dude, I sprayed Febreze on a chick. Got to Brett. I was in high school, dude, and I was with this chick who I was in love with, and there was a dude who was driving who had a way better chance than I did.

And we were at the bike path, and we were in the car getting high, and there was a bottle of Febreze, like the big bottles in the back dude i was so high i just sprayed the back of her head dude for like 30 minutes dude did you notice dude she didn't feel it. You were trying to fuck her? Dude, she didn't feel it.

Dude, when she found out, she got so mad, dude. You just kept doing it? And then did that dude just fuck the shit out of it nah dude i just kept doing it man it was like honestly like 15 30 minutes it was so bad dude she was screaming at the top of her lungs so they were in the front seat and you were in the back seat i was in the i was third oh you're not getting laid in the back no i knew i wasn't getting laid but you were like i'm ruining my chances even more realize how fucked up it was afterwards you ever do something you're like all right that was pretty

fucked up but never something like this i don't even know like you couldn't hear it like this makes us down dude we were just so like bl, blitzed. I was just like... She probably thought, like, a fucking fairy was, like, humping her head. You ever, like... I always think about this. Like, some people went out... Like, there was, like, four years of my life where I was like, oh, we're just gonna drive to this spot and smoke.

Yeah. And then we're just gonna drive to this spot and smoke. And then we're just gonna drive to this spot and smoke. Yeah, that was, like, eight years of my life, yeah. Yeah, that's totally, like... Oh, cool, I get to see another cool fucking... What was like your favorite spot to go to? We had a reservoir, dude. It was pretty cool.

You were reservoir dogs. No, I never went near the water, dude. That would scare the fuck out of me. Do you not know how to swim? I fucking suck at swimming, dude. You get like little floaties? I probably wouldn't eat them yet the dude the reservoir scares the fuck out of me i tried i tried swimming like

no joke dude i was with uh two dudes just hanging out no homo just chilling dude they're fishing and i'm like trying to fish and i'm'm like, all right, this is boring. I wasn't even high. I was sober. They were, like, high as fuck. They're fishing. And I was like, oh, like, I think I can swim from this side of the reservoir to that side, to, like, an island.

And they were like, there's no fucking way you can do that. Like, it was, like, very, it was, like, a half a mile. So I went in with my shoes on dude and i got halfway and i started like legitimately convulsing like hyperventilating i was only using my arms like i wasn't using my legs so i'm in the middle of the fucking reservoir i'm like fuck i'm like fucking help dude they were like pissing laughing they were like all right he's dead like that was like one of the moments in my life where I was like, if I don't, like, get some adrenaline going, like, I'm going to die, dude. That is the great thing about being stoned is your friend could be drowning to death in the middle of the reservoir.

And you're just like, look at that asshole. I think you kind of deserved it. You had your shoes on. Oh, yeah, dude. It's 100% my fault. Even if I didn't have your shoes on oh yeah dude it's 100 my fault even if i didn't have my shoes on dude i would have been and now do you just have like ptsd when you see water no but i'm definitely not good at swimming like i could probably swim like 20 feet out and be like all right this is too much for me i don't know how to use my leg what would

you do if a shark attacked you what i do yeah what the can i do dude i'd probably be like these are my last moments dude i would either yell something worthwhile or just like start spanking the sharks someone's like fucking shark like i'm enjoying this last moment on earth like if i knew i was gonna die sharks don't have dicks it's like a big shark dick swinging around in the water yeah you think they have like shark pussies though bro i need to fuck out of a shark fuck yeah dude no like i start what genitalia do fish have? Dude, I could see you making a video like that.

Dude, you should put it on your podcast channel. It's like you swimming out into the depths of the ocean. And, like, you go to one of those shark cages and, like, eat a shark out, dude. That's a cool video. The shark puts these up against the cage. And I'm just... Tear it up, dude. You know how many views you would get on that, dude?

If you just put the title as, like, Guy Eats Out Shark's Pussy. It's not even bestiality at that point. If you had, like, a Speedo on and, like, goggles and shit, too. Like a headband. Like Borat? The Borat Speedo? What if I like Really fell in love with the shark though

I mean dude I would spoil you You ever hear about that chick who like jerked off dolphins She jerked them off Yeah she was like a famous dolphin I know there was a dude who was having sex with dolphins Who can blame him I mean dude if you're like the manager of like an applebee's and your life's like fucking shit i mean why not dude bro you ever think about jobs like that and you're like who who are those people like imagine being like the dj at an

applebee's hey welcome to applebee's saturday night dollar margarita even if you didn't even have a voice if you just played the cassette it was like the same songs every day why would they need a dj just to ruin the guy's life. He just goes in. He just puts on a cassette of... That's the type of shit that you'd be listening to. Every time I go into Applebee's, it's like Hart. Like Shania.

It's like... Yeah. At least... Fucking Avril Lavigne. Yeah. I mean, dude, if I ever got... If you get drunk at like an Applebee's, dude, like... I never got drunk at an Applebee's.

I was never a big Applebee's guy. I was always, like, a Chili's guy, dude. I'm a Chili's guy myself. Yeah, dude. Except the two for 20. I think with inflation, they jacked it up, though. I think it's two for 25 now, dude. That's the worst, though, because it's never enough food.

You don't like so? I'm a fat... I like to eat. Because it depends what you get, dude. I pig myself out. I mean, either way, dude, you're getting diabetes if you go there, like, the two for 20. I would always get the cheeseburger, man. That would, like, fill me up.

The cheeseburger and fries. See, I'm fucking, I'm the type of person that, like, I need to, like, cut myself off. Because I'll just eat. Oh, really? Like, I would go to, you know, my McDonald's order is, like, $25. Like, I can't go to McDonald's. If I was taking your order right now and you were like blitzed, like walk me

through like what you would get. You have to do the voice and you have to pretend you're coming through the intercom. Alright, I mean I'm just depressed as fuck so I feel like, hold on I'll be with you in one second. God damn it, this fucking idiot

on the other end. Hey, welcome to McDonald's. What can I get you? Can you speak up, loser? What do you want? Speak the fuck up. Talk to me proper. Dude, you wouldn't say that.

Talk to me fucking proper. You'd be like, what? Imagine Karen-ing out at a McDonald's. I feel bad for people who take my order at the fucking drive-in, man, or the drive-thru. I just, like, mumble shit. Oh, yeah. I just don't care, man.

Like, I don't have the passion I need to, like, because I'm already upset when I'm going through. Like, I would never be able to, like. What are you going through? A lot of time in the morning, they'll be like, can you speak up? Oh, dude, there's nothing sadder than breakfast fast food yeah because you're like there's no way i can start my day off worse like especially when you're like yeah can i have a fucking large coffee with like cream and extra sugar and like caramel and like a turbo shot and like a sandwich with like an extra sausage

and they're like dude bro i i don't like i would go to dunkin donuts and i'd be like all right what's the amount of orders of hash browns i can order without them judging me for being one guy alone in a car you should have them like siphon out the grease though, dude. Dude, I got an order, seven orders of hash browns the most I've ever done. Were they like really greasy or were they kind of good? I like those hash browns.

that's probably not, I mean, do they're potatoes? You can't go wrong with fucking potatoes. They're not real potatoes, but like, in your head,

you can make believe they're fucking real potatoes. Yeah. You ever eat eggs? You fuck with eggs at all? Never eat an egg in my whole life. Holy shit.

I'm just kidding. Who the fuck are you, man? I was about to just kill you, dude. You're not human. No, I fuck with eggs. Really? I don't like omelets, though. Omelets just are like the dried cum edge.

Yeah. I mean, you get it like, you know, a little just really draw the dried cum edge yeah I mean you get it like you know a little toasty I guess you'd have to specify for sure man I don't like it's not really like many places you can get a good omelet at though you can't get a good omelet omelets are stupid as hell you just make your own you cook I said I feel like you're the type of dude to put on a chef's hat before you make yourself anything. I wish, dude. One of those big ratatouille hats. I'll put a chef's hat to fucking jerk off, dude.

In an apron? Versus cooking. Yeah. That actually would be smart. You want a billion dollar idea? I'll give it to you right now. Yeah. You can take it.

It's an apron with a hole for your dick. So when you jerk off, you just cum on the apron. Wow, dude. You think we could bring that to, like, Shark Tank? Bro. Give me five to seven minutes. You're just jerking off in front of them. You're like, I need to see how this works.

Just tell, like, Mark Cuban to put lipstick on. Man, dude. It's not a bad idea, honestly, dude. Calm aprons? I mean, dude, I just blow loads on my shirts. I cum on myself, too. Really? Like your chest or like your shirts?

To be honest, dude, don't fucking lie. Shirts. Cumming on your chest, that's a little much. Yeah, it's a be honest dude don't fucking lie shirts yeah and my coming on your chest that's a little much yeah it's too yeah it's too aggressive man yeah i'll just do it what if i start enjoying it too much i mean dude i know some people would jerk off in socks i'm like dude are you a sociopath like what are you doing yeah i feel good that no you're fucking a sock yeah it's like cloth you can't even feel the skin dude i'm gonna fucking jerk off on my i don't use condoms i just put socks on my it's always awkward when you jerk off on like a like a two-box shirt dude just like coming two box bro i once hooked up with this chick and i gave her a t-shirt and the next morning we woke up and we're like going back at it and it was like a

piece of merch for me it was just like i came on my own face wow like it was just a picture yeah wow it was just like a picture of my face did you see it i didn't realize until like while we were fucking i thought you knew it was happening and you were like yeah like i do that like girl here's a free piece of merch. It's just for me to fucking... That's fucking legendary. Well, that's like people who have fucking mirrors on their ceiling. People do that?

Is that a thing? Fuck, yeah. Like, to fuck? Mm-hmm. Wow. So they just watch themselves? Yeah. Damn, dude.

I didn't even know that, man. You're the first person who ever told me that. What if I just look up and there's a mirror on the top? Dude, imagine banging in one of those rooms that's like all mirrors. That'd be confusing as fuck, dude. What if you banged in front of one of those mirrors that make shit bigger? And you're like, no, look how big it is. You're trying to convince her in the mirror. You're look at the real thing look in the mirror you just invested

like a hundred thousand dollars for that just for that moment dude perfect stupid take like a picture dude yo you see they're paid like a thousand dollars to take pictures of chris brown people paid that much? Mm-hmm. That's how much his meet and greets are. So, dude, you're like, walk me through this. Like, so you are like into underground rap. This is where it becomes a serious interview. This is where we get serious, dude.

If I laugh, I get kicked out. No, because I don't really know much about you, dude. No more comment fart jokes. Yeah. I don't know much about underground rap, dude. But when did this start and how did it start? I always loved rap and shit. Like always.

My dad took me to see Wu-Tang Clan when I was like 12. And when I had a pandemic, I just like... I just like rap. A lot of it's underground, but I just like shit that people... Like shit that's like for something to be pop it has to be lowest common denominator to reach the most people yeah so like i just always liked shit and then like i don't even know how i just i got lucky honestly like i just it was something i loved and i was like oh i'm gonna start talking to people from it because like everyone else was talking to comedians and i didn't i'm not funny on the spot

like that like i didn't think i'd be like have good banter so i was like i'll have serious talks with people i like i just kind of blew up from there like so like that was the word like having these like underground rappers on your podcast so yeah the one day you're just like all right it's So like You were like having these Underground rappers on your podcast So like One day you were just like I want to get to know some of these people Were they like

People you were fans of? Yeah like You ever heard of Cypress Hill? Yeah So this dude DJ Muggs Who does all their beats One of my first guests ever Like debuted an album

That was produced by him Like on my podcast He ever like debuted an album that was produced by him like on my podcast he's like a pretty well-known rapper hologram opens up for like action bronson um and it's like his only interview and i don't know why he said yes i think he was like this kid is a comedian for mass nobody listens to his shit it'll be funny to do his podcast like i never do interviews i'll do his but it like that just started growing and i just was like oh i enjoy doing this and then like i go to rap concerts all the fucking time and i was kind of like damn i don't want to be in the audience but i don't rap i want to be up there and i just like i just got along with rappers like i'm a comedian but i

feel like i get along with rappers but yeah what is uh like the difference between uh like obviously underground rap is like underground so it's less well known but like the music's probably better right yeah so what it is how i would describe it is like pop rap like popular rap non-underground the like the corporations pay for it so the money is in like the labels yeah so they kind of guide how the music goes. Like the production agencies? Yeah, and like sounds, like the labels that sign them, like they guide the sound. But Underground is all independent. Now I'm not going to say how, you guys can guess,

but they make their money other ways. So then they can just kind of like make the music they want because they don't need labels to pay them money. They're making their own money. Can you make good money through underground rap? You can make good money and be an underground rap. Yeah. If you know what, like, a lot of these dudes are doing extracurricular activities

and making a lot of money from it. But that makes it cooler, doesn't it? Well, it makes it so you can, can like pay for your shit like imagine like like comedians don't like there's no drug dealing comedians who are just like millionaires who then decide to just start doing comedy you know yeah but like the new thing now for comedians is like being independent so i well the podcast shit helps with that that's the thing is like if you get money from someone else they guide what you have to do so it becomes more like

corporatized but if you get money yourself you can guide what you do and you might not get as popular but you can control what your destiny like selling getting streamed 2 million but you can control your destiny.

Selling, getting streamed 2 million times or selling 2 million copies of an album that's to a label will get you less money than selling 20,000 albums independently. Wow. So if you can get 20,000 fans independently, you're going to make more money than having 2 million fans signed to a label. That's fucked, man. So, like, once, have you ever seen, like, an underground rapper sign a contract with, like, a corporate agency and, like, kind of throw everything away or no? Oh, yeah.

Well, I feel like that's, yeah, that's what happens all the time. Like, imagine you get a hundred thousand dollars you can blow that in a single purchase yeah just buy like a hardware store no that would be a good investment that would be a good investment that's the first thing that comes to your mind just buy like an ace hardware dude just launder money through it that comes to your mind. Just buy like an Ace Hardware, dude. Just fucking launder money through it.

Ace Hardware, not Obershawn? Harbor Fright, dude. Yo, they're big. That might cost more than I... Harbor Fright Fox, dude. I wouldn't mind having my own like Harbor Fright fucking shirt too. Why do you call it Fright? I have no idea.

Fright? Fucking sounds... For like a Halloween edition? You know how like they take like old circuit cities and turn them into that like halloween store yeah it's like a haunted fucking hardware store where every chick who listened to fucking shine down growing up works just buying fucking hatchets but what was i i don't even remember what I was talking about. No, we were talking about rappers signing, like, with... Oh, like, yeah, you can just blow that shit.

Like, you could buy a car for $90,000, and then you're done with your money. Yeah. Like... Do you know people who are, like, really good at underground rap, and they're, like, making a living, and then, like, a corporate agency is like, hey, we'll pay you this,

but you're gonna have, like, a bunch of blind songs. Like, we're gonna fucking write your shit. yeah and then they just like that happens a lot like but i feel like it's not in the way that i do it most of these dudes that i talk to make their shit independent like they make their own money so they're not going to sign to a label or if they do they might sign like a one album contract so it's you give me this amount of money you own this album but like you don't own my whole discography i like don't the the stupid thing about my podcast is i'm not a music journalist like i don't know anything about it you're more about the actual like lyrics and stuff not even that bro i just get hot like i

just like that if i like a song i like it or not i just get high with the rappers and talk about their feelings a lot of time yeah like i don't i'm such like people will come to my podcast to like listen to like a serious interview with a rapper and i try to give good conversations but it's like it's called bucked up for a reason like i'm just getting baked and we're talking you know like you ever say something like wicked stupid and then you're like fuck oh yeah bro i just posted a bit a bit about this on instagram so apologize for saying it now on a podcast but like i was drunk and i was doing a podcast in the bronx hallways with this i say on stage it's a rapper but really it's a photographer his name's thousand words and um we're really good friends now like we've traveled we're but i we were like friends but we

didn't really know each other like that when we did the interview and we did it in the hallways of the project building that he grew up in in the bronx and like i'm drunk off henny and he goes i ain't no dick sucker and i go but you do suck dick though right and everyone bro everyone just like stood up in the hallway i'm alone like i'm the only one who showed up from my side like i was like i'm about to get my ass beat bro like and i was like i'm a comedian i'm a comedian i'm sorry like i just say crazy shit like i really have to watch myself yeah that was a good one though dude that's a good fucking it's a solid joke solid bro like i didn't i was talking to this this dude who's like a famous crip out in la yeah you know what the term ck means and crip terms i didn't either cock king it means crip killer i had no idea so during the interview as producer like adjust his belt off camera and i'm like yo don't louis ck us and he

goes like you know i'm a crip right you can't say ck in front of me and i'm tripping on mushrooms during the interview like freaking out fuck man i always thought about like if I was in like one of those situations, like are you ever like high with them in the car? All the time. Fuck, dude. I would fuck that up big time. Yeah, bro. Like if we were super baked and I screamed like vagina.

Is that what you do when you're super baked? You think that would kick me out? Yeah, bro. If you just scream vagina at the top of your lungs Like, we're doing a drive-by right now You just hear vagina and then like Fucking three rounds go off Shooting out the window and you're just screaming vagina

That'd be a funny police report though, dude Some dude in a fucking pink polo screamed vagina And then like three rounds went off or the penis game yeah oh yeah i feel like you would have been good at that i mean i really know i mean i encouraged it but like i wasn't really like a big screamer i was more like i wouldn't talk for like a whole year and then like the last day of school i would like say something that would just like blow people's fucking brains off

like what? I would just yell vagina I would like fart before I did it though so like imagine having a student dude who just hasn't said anything all year and like it's the last day and it's like dead silent and I like borderline shit myself and then scream

vagina i think that's how columbine started just think about like the confusion though that would go on you know what i mean and you did this you thought this was just a great bit like it was a long time no i mean i probably i don't see it was just like all of my emotions built up like everyone making fun of me and stuff for being quiet i was like i should just let it out now yeah farts yeah nobody ever really did anything either dude afterwards we were just confused like the teachers would just be like did you talk after that you just like no dude i just i laughed for like 40 minutes and then i was like all right i'll see you guys next year and they didn't lock you in a pad padded room no dude i never got detention once i got

attention once in high school dude um and i showed up with headphones on and i was listening to paradise city you know the song and uh my teacher heard guns and roses yeah paradise and my teacher heard me listening to that, and he was like, all right, man, you can just go. He was such a big fan. Yeah, he was just a fucking cool dude. He was like, yeah, man, you don't have to be here. All right, man.

What'd you do to get detention? I, like, didn't fucking do homework. I was fucking so stupid. If you ever see fucking Guns N' Roses, you gotta tell them. If I ever see, like, them live? If you ever meet them Guns N' Roses, you gotta tell them. If I ever see them live? If you ever meet them. Oh, yeah. You guys fucking saved my life.

You changed my life. Get really serious. And then fart and scream vagina. You guys fucking remember me, dude. Yeah. But, like, where do you... You ever meet any famous people? No. I think if I ever saw a famous famous i don't think i would like to say anything

who would you freak out the most like what celebrity i wouldn't freak out to be honest if i like there wouldn't be one person you would freak out i would never freak out talking to another person but like i would feel like tingly inside if i talked to like if i met cheryl crow dude i would probably cry afterwards um if i met shania twain dude i would literally fall what's up with these like 90s female singers you know good the 90s were man you were well you were born in what 95 yeah but i grew up like listening like when i was growing up all that stuff was playing like shania was playing dude you know shania was my shit dude shania's probably washed up right now but i still love her dude i see that's not i wouldn't really

like freak out i've ever met anyone dude but if i could ever, have a long-term conversation with, like, Tom Seger or something, dude, I would feel, like, so tingly inside, dude. I met him blackout drunk. And I, yo, this is such a bad story. And I feel, I went to see him in Portland, Maine. Yeah. And I got so, I drank, this is when I was in a heavy drinking phase. Oh, really? Like, like, like, I'm about to describe the story,

so you guys know how bad that... I drank a mega bottle of wine. You know those huge yellow tail? Yeah. I drank a whole thing before one of his shows. Yeah. Went to the show. No, no, no.

I drank a whole thing of that, vomited it up, and then went to his show holy shit with like dried vomit on my shirt and then snuck into the meet and greet after and i have a picture with him there's like a little bit of dried vomit on the shirt dude was he just like disturbed yeah i was like you inspire me so much and i was drunk so i was trying to think like his two first two albums are white girls with cornrows and thrilled those are thompson and i was like i love your first two albums white girl with cornrows and i'm like fuck what's the name of it of Of the second one. He goes, you mean thrilled?

That was it. He like, he had to say, yeah, that was bad. I hope he doesn't remember that. That's wait, what? That's how he reacted. He had to give like me the name of his own album. Yeah. Like, like after that would like, was his reaction.

We were in a lot. He was just like, so done. You know, when someone's like, they don't want to be mean, but they're just like done with you. Yeah. I would have been done with me too dude yeah i can't imagine imagine his thoughts in that moment he's like this is my fan these are my fans yeah i don't know dude he's just like so fucking funny dude like if you uh like where do you see yourself though if like you keep doing this? Shit. Just, like, with, like, a bigger platform?

Yeah. Like, I just see myself doing it like this is me. Like, if I've done it this, to this level at this point, I feel like, why stop? Yeah. I see, like, I see myself at the top of whatever that is. You know what I mean? I don't know what that is, but I'm going to be happy with it. Yeah.

I'd be happy with a fucking... If I don't have to worry and I get to talk to cooler people and do bigger stages. That's all I really want, you know? Fuck yeah, dude. What do you want? I don't know what i want dude imagine if i just started crying just you feel like i need to put on some music no man i just want to be like fucking older and have like the same sense of like immaturity you know what i mean like i want to be able to battle through maturity being immature. I feel like you can do it.

I for sure can, man. Like, I know it's possible, but. No, but that's what I love about, like, your comedy is, like, it is, like, why don't you, like, Nick Swardson. Yeah. Yeah, I just want to be silly, man. Like, I don't want to get tied down and just be serious about everything. Even if things don't work out, I still want to be silly.

Like you're managing an Applebee's one day and you're cracking jokes. If I'm a DJ at Applebee's, dude, I just want to be a silly DJ, dude. Like wear a hat. Just right in the middle of a song, dude, just scream vagina. Fart to the mic like dude that'll you know i'll take that any day dude over being like fucking in a cubicle just like pissed off you know what i mean no i feel yeah it's like it's really hard to say it earnestly you know what i mean like what i want but it's true it's

just i want to be able to do this. Like, other people can do it. Why the fuck can't I? Yeah, you just want to be different, dude. You don't want to be normal. Yeah, it works. Like, if I, if you, I was saying this to my friend today on the phone, actually. And then I won't get all serious.

I'll stop being serious after it. But, like, you kind of have to see yourself as being the best like you don't have to be the most talented but you have to see yourself as the best because if you don't then you put like a ceiling on yourself yeah if like you tell yourself you suck or you tell yourself like oh i'm only gonna get to this point then you're ever only gonna get to that point because that's the like the limit you put on your head yeah that's what they say about comedy dude they say you should like think about like you should take it slow but you should also have like crazy aspirations that don't even make

fucking sense like selling out arenas and shit dude it's great like i'm three years into comedy i started my first like, when I was 18. Like, from 18 to 21, I would do it every couple months. I don't really count that. You know what I mean? 2019, May 9th, 2019 is when I really consider myself starting seriously. So, that's not that far. Like, I used to drive to New York to go see shows at the stand.

Or, like, go. I just would drive to New York to go see shows at the stand or like go. I just would go to everything like I'd go to all comedy shows. And it's like, all right, I did a Saturday night at the stand downstairs, like 15 minutes in New York. Like I got that. I was able to sell out a show in Philly off fans of the podcast. Like, fuck, like what else I, like, I'm just gonna keep going, like, I don't, I'm just, it's working out, like, I didn't

give myself those caps. I didn't, like, tell myself, like, I get episodes that go, no listens, but that doesn't matter to me, because it's like, I know that the only thing, it's like a relationship. It's like you either die or break up. Like, that's what a relationship is. That's like, I know that the only thing, it's like a relationship. It's like you either die or break up.

Like, that's what a relationship is. That's like following your dream. So you either die or your dream comes true. Or you just be gay. It's always an option, dude. Thank you. For cutting me off. I was going off on a ramp i was going off on a self-help rant that you really didn't need no i feel you though dude

because it's like how the fuck like yeah it's kind of hard not to be a pussy about it dude hey you've talked to me for a little bit now yeah it's stupid as hell i'll it's retarded that i have that i do what i do that i talk to like the most gangster rappers in the world about their feelings but it's just i had a dream and i followed it like this is like a perception thing man like it's definitely deviant for most people but like if i saw it i wouldn't be like i'm not like that thrown off because like you know i'm fucking me but i think most people who work on like cubicles would be like what the fuck are you talking about right now well it's like that's how i feel about you saying who you

listen to yeah you're talking you're talking shit right now about shania yeah fuck that bitch no dude i know what you're saying fuck mary kill cheryl crow shania twain and kt dunstall no i know what you're saying dude but like for like the average person who's like in a cubicle every day who's like talking about the weather like i don't think they would like to them it would be crazy but like to people like me i wouldn't be like you know i'm like all right man like fucking keep doing it you know yeah but you are doing it like you have a podcast not many people do anymore fucking 20 listeners dude who gives a fuck keep going yeah honestly who gives

a fuck like you don't do comedy like you go to shows and mics to try to get fans no no dude we're just out here having fun dude right silly bro like that's yeah like honestly you don't go out to do comedy shows to be like i'm gonna try to win five of these people over so they follow me so they buy tickets to the next show it's like i'm just doing it because this is what i want to do yeah it's getting silly man that's the podcast thing can't overcomplicate it yeah yeah no you're right dude i feel. Life is about making it as easy as possible. Yeah, dude, you can't overcomplicate things, man. If you start overthinking shit, it's like jokes.

You probably, you're talking about like, sometimes you just got to make silly jokes. You don't need to overcomplicate things. Sometimes you just got to scream vagina and fart. Yeah, I mean, I've thought about that a few times dude like opening up a set i mean just like when you're like gonna bomb anyway like when we're at that pizza shop like dude that would have been hilarious if i walked up and like you were like i've never seen this kid before man like i'm gonna listen to a set and i just walked up there and like

farted into the mic and screamed vagina and then walked off jump through that glass window you just never saw me it would be way funnier if you did that jump through the glass window and then just got so hurt by the glass you're just bleeding out on the sidewalk dude and then i just asked you to come on the podcast like be fucking legendary dude while they're bringing you off in a fucking ambulance yeah but you're right dude it's all about being silly man i think we'll both i think we'll both keep grinding dude i mean you're moving to new york i think we're still young and we still have shit to do man but dude we'll wrap this up man um i don't even know what the fuck we talked about lots of farts