The Johnny Salami Podcast - Sam Lichtenstein

Episode Date: September 11, 2024

Sam Lichtenstein by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. Let's get fucking gay, dude. This is incredible. Thanks, dude. Yeah. this is incredible thanks dude yeah

it's pretty good man honestly the liquid death yeah it's a little intense for me and it's something with death on it I'm like yeah it's pretty like hyped it's pretty hyped up

like yeah like I like got like a sickness or something from it. You have, like in the past? No, no, no. But like if I did, because I'm always worrying, like, and I told someone, like I drank something with death in it. If I told my mother, she'd be like, well, why did you do that?

Yeah, like an older woman or something? Yeah. I'd be like, you shouldn't have done that. Yeah. An older Jewish woman? Why did you do that? What do you think you would name like your own water brand if you had it probably just like um hey hey guy really yeah it's pretty peaceful man water probably be like confusing though dude yeah you know. You know, people would be like, hey, can I get a hay guy? Yeah. You know, that's kind of like, that's a cool name though, dude.

Yeah. That'd be cool if like there weren't like legality issues with like naming products. Yeah. Is there already a hay guy water? No, but if like I named a water company. Yeah. It should be like fucking Boner Farts. Boner Farts.

Yeah. Boner Farts LLC. Okay.er farts llc okay you could probably start that you think so yeah 100 that'd be fucking sick dude yeah you know like a water company though i don't know if you could put it in like 7-eleven but like yeah i think you could like totally well i'm just saying if you could make like if there was actual like freedom of fucking anal and shit. Because like obviously you can't like name a company like anything immature. But yeah, if you could. Yeah.

Like the way the world would fucking. Yeah. You know, freedom of fucking anal. You know. Yeah. That should be the 28th Amendment. Freedom of fucking anal. Yeah. I've always wanted

to meet a guy who like has like a fucked up job like imagine meeting a dude who owns like a like a dildo company or something yeah and just makes bank yeah you ever met one of those guys no but i'll read about him yeah like i'll read about like uh there's this dude started like he started the blacked brand like the porn it's like a jewish dude like a fat jewish dude oh like the genre no like the porn company like it started out as like only black dudes though yeah but it's a jewish guy it's just like a fat jewish french guy yeah yeah holy shit yeah and so you know you can be jewish and french yeah that's crazy yeah yeah you can be jewish and french yeah that's crazy yeah yeah you could be jewish in just about anything it's crazy dude yeah never met like a

french jew really yeah i think i've met like one or two there's a few well i heard french people kind of suck right yeah they they hate jews but like they they there used to be a lot of french jews yeah like french people just smell like fucking nuts yeah i was just over there really yeah i was there in may what did it smell like just like cheeses and nuts just testicles just like dick cheese dick cheese did you bring it up you don't want to be like too rude because i mean it would be funny if that was the only thing you knew how to say in french it's like yo it smells like dick cheese yeah this is the dick cheese you see it is my taxi what do you do you think they would be offended like do they get offended easily or

no oh yeah dude have you ever seen a french person get offended it's like the original person like because like french people are kind of gay like really yeah they're like they's like the original person like because like french people are kind of gay like really yeah they're like they're like the original like people who got offended holy shit yeah they're like the original karens you see yeah like if you see like a french person get offended holy shit yeah it's awesome what is it like though you're just like oh this chicken kind of little rubber oh a lot of food uh say chicken so it, a lot of food. Shit, boom. Say chicken. So it's a lot of like restaurant shit. Yeah, like they love, they want everything to be nice.

They want everything to like look good, you know, hot people, no Jews. Yeah. Fuck, man. Food good. Yeah. Tits tight. I wonder if they like, I wonder if they started the whole gay movement. Yeah, yeah.

Filled up a few boats. Yeah. After World War II or something, just sent them over here. That'd be crazy. That sounds like my great-grandpa's fucking theory about the French. Really? Yeah. He has the same theory?

My great-grandpa was actually stationed in France. Which World War? II. Really? He, my great-grandpa was actually stationed in France. Which World War? Two. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he worked at the post office. Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah.

Does he ever talk about it? No, he's dead now. But my dad was like, yeah, he hated the French. Because of the war or just in general? Yeah, because they just gave up immediately. Yeah. They lost in both world wars right i think they won in one and then in two they just were like i thought it was back-to-back losses no i think they didn't they win i don't think so man no no because

everyone always brings it up no two they bring up really where are you where they bring this up fucking you know this coffee shop so like what was uh what were the women like in france dude i'm sure i mean they they're pretty hot chicks you know when you were walking around you see like a lot of beautiful women oh yeah like um yeah there was there was some good ones but you know it's kind of like brooklyn like paris is a little like brooklyn where it's like yeah it's a little like tatted up chicks and like you know a lot of creativity out there creativity yeah paris is like the og yeah creativity place it's interesting dude yeah i don't even know that man yeah so it's basically just like brooklyn

you basically went to brooklyn no So it's basically just like Brooklyn. You basically went to Brooklyn. No, but it's like nice though. Brooklyn's kind of, you know. Yeah. Well, I heard the food's nicer in Europe because it's like you can eat as much as you want. Like they don't have like a lot of like sugar in their food and shit. Yeah.

The food tastes like I have a lot of digestive issues, but like in Europe I can just eat a lot. Really? And like without like issues. I wonder what it is i don't know if it's like gluten or something or like the i don't know it just tastes like it's less processed i feel like yeah somebody was saying they went there and had like a shit ton of bread and like didn't fucking shit their pants or anything yeah yeah you know yeah i've been ripping fucking heaters dude oh yeah like dimes oh Like, dimes. Oh, yeah, me too. I've jacked up, like, my protein intake. Okay.

I feel like a fucking, I don't even know, dude. Sometimes I fantasize about, like, someone walking in when I rip one. Really? Just like. Like a man or a woman? Woman. Yeah. Just like.

Just like upset with you? Like, so mad. Yeah. How mad are you at me? Yeah. Let me repeat. I ripped i ripped one in like the break room today really and i was like man this is like proud of yourself i'm like i deserve it yeah one time i got a sonogram you ever get one of those like for pregnant women no but like they'll just look at your intestines why'd you get one because

i have like ibs and uh the woman was kind of roasting me for real yeah she was like so you just shit a lot no it's the opposite one it's the constipation one oh wow yeah yeah it sucks fuck dude yeah it's the opposite you know, Grant has like IBS diarrhea one. I didn't even know that, and I'm going to talk shit. And my dad has that too. But I just have the one where I'm just back the fuck up. Like it's a fucking BQE at rush hour. Which one would you rather have?

I mean, you always fantasize about, you know, what you don't have. Yeah. Right? So, you know, I'd rather. Because I feel like you get out a lot of like a lot of situations with the other one yeah i feel like yeah i'm about to shit my fucking pants yeah you know yeah i wish i wish man yeah sometimes i've been ripping fucking dimes dude and i'm not gonna lie dude i kind of get chubbed up when i rip like a good fart really

yeah not like a full erection but like a quarter chub. Wow. Yeah. Are you doing like no fap or? No, dude. I'm fapping relentlessly. Relentlessly and you still do? But I just feel like it's like a sense of pride where I'm like.

Wow. Because I'll eat like eggs and like beef and then have like a protein shake. Yeah. And just absolutely like rip into another dimension. And I can feel like... Do you think that's how you would enter another dimension? Dude, imagine if I like broke the simulation from that. It'd be fucking crazy.

I get it now. It makes sense. It's like some Asian dude behind a computer, you know? That's where you go? Like that's the simulation. Oh, you think we're being played by an Asian guy? I mean if we are i think it's like some asian dude like he's like have you seen an asian guy at the computer recently did they fucking no i used to have a roommate who's korean play league of legends eight hours straight yeah i mean mean, Koreans are a little different, dude. Than Asians?

I think so, yeah. Okay. You don't really hear much about the Koreans, man. Really? Yeah. I hear about them a lot. Dude, I actually went, I actually talked to a Korean chick once.

One time? Yeah, man, this was like four years ago. And my podcast was like really struggling, kind of like it is now, but like it was even worse. This is is great man and this uh this korean chick who i went to high school with she was one of those chicks dude that like she like kind of she's like pretty ugly in high school not ugly but kind of like a nerd and like you know the nerds that kind of grow up to be like super hot like she was one of them dude yeah and she was korean bro and uh she messaged me because she like saw a podcast clip or whatever so we start talking and uh

she literally was like hey i'm surprised like you haven't asked me and i was like asked you what and she was like about like my ethnicity and i just go i was like north or south yeah and she just never responded that's a classic yeah that's a great dude she never talked to me again yeah but that's a good question though dude yeah it is you know this is a huge difference huge yeah like great like just growing up in a fucking you think you could date a North Korean chick yeah have you seen the one I went on Rogan she's like the huge knockers she liked the fucking refugee one yeah they're all what does that shit what does she talk about she like I don't hate him like war camp or

something I don't know I just get like fucking enticed yeah i never saw that episode but i always see clips of it because i know it was like yeah i heard it was like one of the best ones yeah she was like i was so scared yeah i think she escaped like a fucking uh yeah like a bang bus a bang bus they A bang bus. They kept jacking off on me. Imagine a bang bus in North Korea, dude. I've seen them in Japan. For real? Have you seen those videos? They have a bang bus in Japan?

I don't think it's a bang bus, but it's a bus. Yeah. And it's one little lady. Really? And like 17 Japanese guys. Who's in the bus? Who's driving the bus? Who's driving the bus? It's just one black lady.

Y'all better sit down. Stop groping that lady. Oh, man. That's a big bus then, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I saw a fucking, I saw a special needs bus peel out the other day. Short?

No joke. Short, yeah. Special needs bus. Oh, yeah. Why did they make them short for them? I think it's because there's not that many of them plus you have to know when they're approaching the building and shit

yeah you want to be near them dude this lady no joke middle of a four way intersection bro peeled out like at least ten feet made a skid mark and shit I was like holy fuck she was driving the short bus yeah oh fuck yeah

you gotta imagine they're having a good time though yeah but that's crazy man a bang bus in japan oh yeah yeah yeah i mean those some of those videos japanese dudes i'm like they're the craziest i've never seen any to be honest i think something happened with the atomic bomb where they just they got radiation and then their sexuality is just like crazy for real yeah dude they have some of the wildest videos i've ever seen in my life check that out man that sounds legit i know a lot of dudes who are like really into like anime and shit yeah to the point where they'll like bawl their eyes out bawl oh at like yeah i knew a dude once who cried uh to like naruto and shit oh yeah yeah so i'm sure he's probably watching some of

that stuff he just like yeah his eyes became x's yeah oh so sad yeah i've never even seen naruto dude but i have these shorts got them at walmart dude whoa dude five bucks wow yeah they're on the clearance aisle you can find some good shit i was in a walmart in ohio recently oh she's doing some fucking you know what are they doing over there it's it's crazy for real it's like put get the scooter fucking get the mountain dew yeah get the fucking cleveland browns jersey and just fucking we're we're going to town bro that's why i fucking love walmart dude it's crazy because like dude you'll be in the parking lot and you'll see like wild shit yeah you know like some dude just like ghost rides a fucking car into like a mercedes like the alarm goes off yeah you go in dude you just get the fucking best deals ever man yeah you know so it's like kind

of worth it in the end do you get one of those scooters no i don't know if they i don't even know if they have them anymore at the walmart i go to oh really yeah they got them in ohio i feel like a lot of people have their own custom scooters now yeah decked out pimped out and shit you know imagine that pimp my ride dude that's fucked man all those people are so fucking fat they can like walk to the scooter and then start using it yeah just fat fucking idiots dude it's crazy you just like see it's it's crazy when you like see it like in the process like what's their game plan for how they're gonna get fatter bro i've seen some fat dudes who like are fine like they'll just walk to it and they're just like lazy as fuck so they're like all right

i'm just gonna post i'm just gonna rip this post up yeah have people feel bad for me and shit yeah you know i see people like that all the time yeah where i go to the gym there's like uh one of those injury places people like claim injury but everyone outside looks fine and they go in they're like fuck you know my mountain dew won't open man can y'all help me open code red dude i, I think that's a sickness, though. What? Where they're, like, they're just, like, addicted to that. Like, that's their life. It's just, like, basically, like, slip and falls and shit.

Oh, like. They're just, like, addicted to, like, the empathy that they get from, like, the. Yeah. You know. Well, they get the best parking spots. Yeah. Already. It's basically, like, those dudes in the ER.

You ever go to the ER? You see those dudes who are there every day? The ER? What's the emergency room? Oh, the ER, yeah. Have you ever been and there's always a dude who's a regular there? Regular? In pretty much every ER, dude.

There's a dude who goes all the time. The usual, Tony? And they'll fake his injury. He's like, I can't breathe. And they're like, well, your vitals are fine. And he's like, I fucking can't breathe. It's like that dude just like in love with just like seeing tits

and like getting nurtured. Oh, shit. You think he's getting the... I think he's going for the titties, dude. The only way I can breathe again is if i suck on a tit so i can only have one day left where's shirley yeah yeah fuck those guys man one time i fucking when i was like a kid i like choked on a chicken finger and like i like freaked out and like i had to get an ambulance call on me but I wasn't

even bad I just like burped I remember I burped and the ERs were there and they were like are you okay and then I just burped and I was like actually I'm fine you guys can go did you feel like a pussy afterwards yeah yeah yeah what's wrong with you

damn dude I've done that so many times what just going to the er and been like wow i feel like a pussy right now yeah i should have died you know be a man i went for like uh what happened oh dude i was getting like stomach cramps really bad and i was at the gym with my friend and i couldn't even walk dude i was like holy shit but it was because i ate a whole bag of fucking almonds dude and then i fucking chugged the pedialyte and all the sodium i was already dehydrated all the sodium like fucked me up dude yeah it's like four in the morning dude i'm like fucking trying to rip ass and like trying to like get something out of me dude and like oh

man i'm in like so much pain bro and i just drove to the er and there were so many hot nurses dude and they were so nice to me dude what's the address oh it's in rhode island oh shit oh so you can drive there i mean dude every every fucking er has like hot chicks i feel like that's not true in fucking queens maybe maybe a little bit like guatemalan chicks or something you know yeah they're there man probably not as much here but yeah yeah man these chicks were just like i forgot what they thought i had i think it's like when your stomach fucking pops, something like bleeds out in your stomach or some shit. Oh, my God. That's my nightmare.

Oh, no, they thought I had appendicitis. Oh, shit. Yeah, but I didn't. You're like, actually, I just ripped a bag of fucking almonds. Yeah. You want to see me do it again? I had like an infection in my intestine, dude, but I was hoping it was an appendicitis.

You had an infection in your intestine? Yeah. From eating nuts? Yeah. From just nuts? Yeah. From just being dehydrated and fucking, I was at the gym just going hard as fuck, dude. Oh, shit. Damn. Or they could have just been lying to me to just make me

feel better. You know how they do that? Did you say you used to have a truck that flames on it? Yeah. Did you drive that to the ER? That would be sick. Maybe maybe i think back then yeah i went so hard i parked by myself and walked in by myself dude yeah i think back then i would have had that that truck dude for sure wow yeah that's awesome man yeah dude but why'd you uh why'd you go to europe though dude

oh i just went with my family oh for real yeah i went with my family you went with the boys well two ladies and two boys yeah yeah yeah and then i went they let went back and then i went what my bad dude no it's fine uh i just have a family full of boys yeah dude i was just thinking about like wicked fucked up shit when you said that oh really like family uh vacay oh you know like a porno just like a porno dude my bad you gotta watch these japanese ones i think you're gonna really like them yeah that's they have to pixelate. Throw it up on the projector, dude. I've been watching a lot of that family vacay stuff, dude.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, it's not good, man. I don't think I've seen that. Yeah, it's just like some dude's stepmom comes in with like fucking, like, I can't believe it's not butter. Starts like throwing it on the walls and shit. She like whips out her tits and you're like, holy shit. Wow's like i'm gonna clean this mess up yeah he's like you're my stepmom we can't do this cut you have to do it yeah damn bro yeah you got a projector yeah i got a projector a while back

host like screenings just no i like to keep it to myself man i feel like a dude you should get one though honestly it's like totally worth it i want to yeah eventually um because i've been watching like uh i don't watch porn on my projector because that would be fucking terrible but why do you think that would be terrible uh i mean like i don't really have internet like i have an xbox and shit but i don't have like a browser you know oh so okay um that's the biggest thing also like when you have like surround sound. Yeah.

If I'm not really like conscious of the volume. Yeah. Dave told me he'd just be blasting cops. Yeah. Sometimes I don't even know like my surround sounds on because I get the headphones on. It just sounds like fucking World War II, dude. But yeah, man, dude, projectors are fucking sick and they're pretty cheap man oh yeah you can get just like a 4k one dude and watch like planet earth dude if you watch a good movie on that man have a fucking movie night dude just invite the

guys over japanese bangbuster fucking jerk each other off dude that'd be crazy man dude if you were with a bunch of dudes and like you're watching japanese bang bus and like one of your boys was like yo you trying to jay me off you think you would do it i think um up to the point where he's like you're trying to yeah have you ever thought about what you would do if like one of your boys kind of like got a little gay? Yeah. I know gay people. No, I'm saying dudes who you like thought were straight. Thought were straight.

So like you're, because I've never even thought about that, dude. Oh, yeah. But I've heard it happen multiple times. What do you mean? Like dudes who are just like, they identify as straight. Okay. You know, you'll hear stories about like a sleepover or something where like dudes are just jerking each other off like straight dudes just for fun you know what i mean yeah and i'm just trying to think of like what would lead into that like are you playing like naked twister or something like what led to that yeah like the the elephant game you've seen like

the fucking the frat hazing yeah fucking yeah but it's not even like you're not even getting anything out of it you know what would lead up to that because like back in the day i feel like if a dude did something gay to me i'd be like what the fuck okay but like nowadays you kind of be like you got to be more mature you know just be like i'm not gay dude just what what the fuck Alright Six years ago I'd be like What the fuck Get out of my fucking yard What is he doing in your yard He's just like

Just fucking soliciting He's like soliciting he's gay he's using the hose the wrong way he's shooting it in his ass just like some guy selling solar panels and you just like assume he's gay you're like i'm not fucking gay i get my energy from a coal mine a fucking man that is kind of funny though to just assume someone's gay yeah you know what i mean the fios guy he's like you want to save 60 a month and you're like dude i'm not gay why don't you get the fuck out of here man yeah you see fucking fraser posters in my fucking room dude no but i grew up down the road from a dude who uh i was like best friends with him for a while man he's uh

i believe he's a homosexual i think he's a homosexual like he's a homosexual now he like grew into it i don't think he uh but then i think back and i think about some of the shit we used to do and i'm like he could have used your age yeah so you guys dude we used to jump off his pool deck and pull our pants down in front of his mom like midair and just like flash our dicks at her oh it's your mom yeah that'd be funny because your dad yeah her his mom was so hot dude she would just watch us yeah and we would just show our dicks to each other in the pool and just to each other like underwater yeah like he would dive down and just like whip out his oh i mean we were like nine so he would do it first just, like, whip out his cock. Oh, shit. I mean, we were, like, fucking nine, dude. So he would do it first?

I think so. Could have been me, though, dude. And then you were, like, respectfully. Yeah. He's like, dude, why are you hard? He's like, what the fuck? Yeah. Fuck you.

Remind me of this solar panel guy. Yeah. I just, I always wonder why his mom was kind of like watching us do it though whoa you know it was like she like she into this she didn't say my mom would have been like hey stop that one time i showed my dick to the handyman when i was like my handicap man no handicap handyman well you showed your dick to him yeah i was like his name was uh like like howie or something and i was like a carpenter old yeah we had a handyman like a guy just fix shit my dad couldn't oh all right yeah yeah i mean you're pretty casual about it dude what do you mean i thought you were talking about like a handicapapped person No no no Like at like a fucking Lowe's or something I was waiting

In the handicaps This is where they park right Oh here comes one Yeah Just whip it out He falls out of his wheelchair Why'd you show your dick to a Fucking carpenter dude

Just a guy with a mustache Yeah I don't know dude i think i just was just like yeah i just wanted to be like kind of funny i guess that is funny man yeah there's really a lot that's funny about that back then dude like whipping out your cock was like one of the funniest things you could do yeah nobody even like thought for a second it was gay either yeah yeah i had no like knowledge of that being gay like i was like eight years old if someone explained to me what gay was i would be

like yeah you know what's confusing dude is like uh remember when you just take a piss the urinal and like some dude would stare at your piece yeah and like kind of judge what you got going on that's still what happened i think it's like dude what are you like what are you gay like why are we judging flaccid cocks yeah you know what i mean i thought you were gonna say like when like somebody would like pull their pants all the way down uh and like school and shit no that was fine man that was fine that was that was startling for me because like that was like whoa i didn't know we had a few special needs kids who would do that yeah we had that in asian kids do it really yeah just i didn't even know that we had a lot of special needs and i grew up in a lot of asian heavily populated asian would

you grow up new jersey okay that makes sense yeah yeah you probably thought a lot of the um asian kids were special needs though right yeah yeah dude we had was one chick i always think about her because she would just run to all her classes because i don't i don't think they have a lot of like special needs kids in asia do they no i don't think so like how would you even tell exactly you know they just like get a math problem wrong yeah that's true you'd have to be in the classroom to figure it out seeing a fucking dude seeing a special needs asian would be sick though i think i've seen a few what were they doing dude this chick would just like run really she'd like sit down her desk

pack up run to her next we're like what the hell like she's not there's no way she's late it was just great like that's not even that bad, though, dude. Yeah. I thought you were going to say something else. Oh, okay. She's like selling Pokemon cards to like teachers and shit or something. No, that would be like a good business, I guess. Yeah.

I would be impressed with that. All the Asian kids in my school, they had like the best Pokemon cards. Yeah. They get them straight from the fucking... This kid had like an ancient Mew. Oh, shit. There's only like four of them in the world there's like a legit one too oh shit i was like dude you better put that away man

like that's risky yeah he's like whipping it out on the fucking playground and shit yeah like dude somebody could come here and fucking kill you yeah show me your dick instead yeah asian cocks are fucking wild bro dude i went back to my uh gym recently in my hometown yeah old dude's just fucking just walking around naked really the little fucking it's so it's crazy how it gets that small man you know that's what i said to him i said it's crazy well you're talking about asian dudes or just new Jersey people? Asian dudes. Yeah. Just Jersey guy. Yeah.

I don't know, man. Like, there's a lot of small cocks out there, and it's like, dude, if I don't think I'll get that small, but if I do, I'm just going to, like, jerk off. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, I'm going to get hard before I take it out. Yeah. I'd probably just, if my cock ever got that small, I'd just do, like, full Asian face. Like, I would only dress in kimonos and shit like a Komodo dragon yeah I would have a

Komodo dragon I would bring around just going into locker rooms like that dude yeah I'd be fucking sick yeah dude if you dressed up as a Komodo dragon and went into an open shower yeah started taking out people's legs what the fuck dude we should do that get like a camera crew and shit get a camera crew all right like yo watch the fuck out You know Didn't say no pets But didn't say no dragons Komodo dragons are fucking sick You ever see that documentary

On Netflix I've seen a lot of it The one with the Komodo dragons There's a lot of it I've been watching Chimp Crazy Is that new? Yeah it's about chimps Is that new? Yeah, yeah. It's about chimps. Is it good?

Yeah, it's pretty good. Fuck, man. I got to check that out. I get emotional, though. I was watching one of the Planet Earths. It's like one of the iguanas, dude. It's like a family of iguanas, dude. And they all get taken out by these snakes.

I've seen that clip. And then that one gets away. And you're just like legit. I'm just like in tears, man. I'm like, dude, you better fucking get away. You know, that's just like the snake wraps him up, dude. And he finally like gets out. Yeah.

Shit, dude. It's like a Barry Sanders run. Yeah. It's crazy, man. Such an emotional roller coaster. Yeah. So I can't keep doing this. Do you feel like that, that you're like the iguana?

Bro, I saw a fucking... You watch Netflix? Yeah. Dude. In between Japanese bangles. I think it was called The Backwoods or something. It's with that girl from Stick It,

the gymnastics movie. You ever see that? No. If you haven't jerked off to that, dude, you're missing out. When you were growing up, you never saw Stick It? No to that dude you're missing out it's like when you were growing when you were growing up you never saw stick it no no no it's a classic dude it's like a gymnastics movie but yeah there's a chick in this movie who was in that and then uh some other dude and this guy just like takes his uh he takes his chick on a trip into the woods and he's gonna propose to her dude but dude he gets eaten by a

fucking bear bro and they show the bear eating him and like i'm like all right watching like gruesome shit like i'm not that like you know yeah affected by it something about this though dude just fucked me up so bad i think it's because i thought they made it seem like it was kind of like a normal occurrence for a bear to do that. Where was he? Is it in the backwoods somewhere, dude? Like, fucking. He's, like, about to get in. I don't know what state it was in.

It showed, like, the name of the park, and it said based on a true story. Dude, so I'm, like, freaking out after this. I'm, like, how, like, rare are, like, bear occurrences? Like, how often do bears eat people yeah and it was like one in a million yeah yeah like two a year maybe yeah and it's only if you like fuck with it you know yeah like if you're in its fucking hood yeah but yeah dude it fucked me up so bad it showed the bear like eating like his fucking intestines and shit oh i was like holy fuck what's this movie called it's either backwoods or the backwoods okay it's a critically acclaimed movie that's what i'm doing

dude i just go to the critically acclaimed movie section hey check you out man they're all fucking good man hell yeah you know you ever seen grizzly man no that's a bad dude who like is that a porno yeah he fucks bears fucks grizzly he basically kind of like he really like falls in love with like grizzly bears really yeah it's crazy fuck man but they don't show when he gets eaten he like builds a relationship with him yeah yeah yeah it's it's verner herzog movies the guy the german guy who's like he passed away no he's he uh he's still alive he did well the guy who like uh built a relationship with the bears yeah he got eaten by like a bear he was close with yeah he was close with like all of and his wife got eaten holy shit yeah they got eaten together

i think so yeah wow yeah it's a good way to go out, man. They play the audio, bro. It's horrifying. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, shit. How'd they get it on audio? So he recorded everything.

Why only audio, though? They didn't get the video? I don't... Or you think they just didn't publish it? It was one of those Blair Witch things where it just happens off camera, I think. Yeah yeah you think they made up the audio you think it's like real oh he died he's dead and and his fucking girlfriend or wife or whatever yeah but do you think they like um like you know manufacture it like the audio just the audio just to make it seem like a little more oh i'm so scared. It's hairy.

Yeah, that shit fucked me up, dude. Something about bears, man. Yeah. Eating you. Yeah. Because it's just like, yeah, even in like chimps. You think about chimps like ripping your face off and shit. Dude, I'm just like, fuck, man. Dude, in that doc, they go through like this one one happened this one uh chimpanzee attack

in connecticut yeah rip this chick's hands straight from her body yeah i heard they do that and like literally rip your arms off yeah yeah they'll like peel your skin off and shit yeah they're fucking insane fuck man yeah i wonder if they're related to like the devil or some shit you know you think we are because they're like 98 percent i wonder if they're related to, like, the devil or some shit. You know? You think we are? Because they're, like, 98%... I wonder why they're so evil, dude. Well, they're 98% like us, dude. Yeah.

Which is, like, maybe people are evil, too, bro. Mm. Shit. Did they bring that up in the shit? What? Oh, like, similar we are? Like, do they bring that up a lot? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. I'm going to take a piss, dude take a piss dude oh we can uh take some phone calls oh yeah hey john uh this is uh this fits here um yeah so i got a situation for you for you that i would love your love your interpretation and your advice on. So basically, I'm in a fraternity, and I'm one of the older members of the fraternity now. And so I have a girlfriend, but in my youth, a few years ago, when I was younger in the fraternity, I got with this chick, and now she's gotten with a bunch of the fraternity, I got with this chick. Now she's gotten with, like, a bunch of my fraternities. And she, like, makes it a point that, like, her first person she got with was me.

And she, like, brings it up in front of my girlfriend. She, like, brings it up in front of people. And, like, it's not like a resume. She's a good-looking girl. Just, like, it's the fact that she's, like, actively trying to embarrass my girlfriend. But she's, like, she's a good looking girl just like it's the fact that she's like actively trying to embarrass my girlfriend but she's like she's always around and like she's friends with a lot of people in maternity i don't know how to bring it up like hey you guys stop doing that because you gotta have respect for my girlfriend who is the only person who i'm with now obviously um so yeah i would love some advice uh yeah thanks john

i love it he's acting like it's like a legitimate problem like dude i would kill to have that problem dude he's killing it just another girl being like yeah you know i used to get with john especially Especially if it was, like, good. He was my first. Yeah. But, yeah, I mean, his girlfriend's probably struggling, dude. Yeah. He should have mentioned, like, how it was, you know? Yeah.

Because, like, if he was doing, now all of his boys know, like, what that chick is, what she's putting out, you know? Yeah. That's true. But I wonder if that other chick has, like, a specialty, you know? If she's serving up some, like, dessert and stuff, dude, you know yeah that's true but i wonder if that other chick has like a specialty you know she's serving up some like dessert and stuff dude you know licking gooch and sucking nips and shit you know yeah she's doing like crazy shit it's kind of funny the first time she gets with that you're talking about the first that'd be crazy just come the one who's like hooking up with his other his bros oh okay yeah i mean oh okay so she's hooking up and then she's telling his girlfriend like oh shit he was like the first one damn yeah that's a that's annoying yeah i would i feel like it's more of

like a girl issue you know yeah because girls are very like touchy about that yeah you know yeah yeah because then the girl's gonna be like oh like his girlfriend's probably like oh look what'd you guys do like you know but I think around here man most people probably just have like an orgy right oh yeah with with her like everyone everyone should invite everyone over yeah you know yeah just to kind of see like what everyone's got in the tank yeah maybe that's how you solve the problem just suggest an orgy go to like an event planner and like get some like legitimate invitations. Ooh. Just invite everyone, dude. Next frat party, like an orgy.

A gay event planner. Yeah, you'd have like a blow bang. So you guys want a blow bang? Yeah. I'm going to get a big moon castle for the blow bang. I mean, dude, think about it though. Like if you were in a fraternity and you got an invite to an orgy, like you found out there's going to be a bouncy house and like classic

rock and like putting fights and shit i'm like i'm going dude even knowing that some of my boys are gonna be there yeah i'll show cock dude yeah i mean i'm gonna jerk off like six times before i show up but like i'm going oh you know what i mean that's crazy dude i jack off once and it's like days over yeah yeah no i'm a one-shot guy really but like if i knew i was gonna have to perform late at night dude you know in front of my boys like really put out i probably have nothing left in the tank. That's a nightmare. You don't want that. I'm just like soft. Come on, Johnny. You're the best, man.

Just like a little fucking chode. So how do we solve this guy's problem, dude? I'm telling you, dude. Have an orgy. Have an orgy. People talk, man, but are they going to show out? Yeah. Are they going to show their cock?

Yeah. Put that in the invite. Hire a gay event player to be like, I was with her or something. Or I was with him first, actually. You've never done that, right? Like an orgy? No. him first actually you've never like uh you've never done that right like an orgy no i had a i guess i paid for two prostitutes in germany yeah it's not threesome it wasn't an orgy but you paid for a threesome yeah are they like okay with that out there they want that so they can

just like talk with their friend while they're doing it yeah no that makes sense yeah yeah i've never even been uh i've almost had a threesome once i was hanging out with both of these chicks who had boyfriends and like i knew them and we were like partying all night and then they were like oh you should just come sleep at our place and this chick like lived with her parents dude and i was like you want me to sleep at like your parents' house? Yeah. And they were like, yes. Dude, so like her parents said it was okay for me to go over.

And we were all just sleeping in the same bed. The parents, dude. Dude. I was like making out with her dad and shit. This guy fucking rocks. That would be funny. If I like went over dude and like they were like alright like keep it down.

I'd just like sprint into the parents room. Where's your dad? Like let me suck that cock. Let me suck the homeowner off right now. Fucking steal his fucking car and shit dude. let me suck the homeowner off right now fucking steal his fucking car and shit dude

that's just Johnny comes over and fucks me and leaves yeah dude I know for a fact that I could have done it I just didn't have the balls really? yeah cause they both had boyfriends dude of which I knew so you were actually like sleeping in the bed

legitimately like in my boxers, dude, sleeping with... This girl, like, straddled me, dude, and, like, tried, you know... I was like, I can't do this. Because, like, I knew her boyfriend. Oh, shit. You know? Yeah. You respected him. Yeah, I'm for the boys, man. You're for

the boys. Yeah, I couldn't have done that, dude. I would have been fucked. I kind of wish I went back, though, and did it yeah do you still hold the guys in the same regard no that's what I'm saying I should have gone back just gone all out dude

that's what I'm saying like this guy just needs to go all out cause he doesn't realize like in a few years man like you're not gonna have the same girlfriend like you're not even gonna know those chicks man like like if i go if i go back to college bro i would have literally just like gone to orgies if i ever got invited man i would have like probably gotten like multiple stds if i had the opportunity yeah but i was just playing with my nuts man and i think about that all the time man i. I was at Starbucks looking at hot chicks, just like listening to fucking landslide, dude. Feeling bad for myself, man. But I think everybody who likes... I think we had similar college experience. Yeah, dude. Just getting

no pussy, dude. Just hooking up with fat chicks, you know? So like if I go back, dude, I'd be shredding it, you know? I would be piping as much as I can Plus dude College chicks now are like Bouncing around like it's fucking Chunky cheese dude you know what I mean No values anymore They're just you know This dude's probably gonna get cheated on if he doesn't

You know Yeah do something Something like go all out Just rip ass, maybe. Yeah, just fucking fart, dude. Just bang chicks and then just move on. I was your first? Yeah.

Fuck. Now you're talking, dude. Oh, yeah? Let's see what else we got, dude. That is kind of funny, though. He's like talking like it was like a legitimate issue. Johnny said this big problem in my life name's fitz hey dude so i just wanted your opinion on whether or not i fucked up uh so back when i was younger i dated this girl that was like, you know, wife material, you know, for the most part, except for what I'm about to tell you.

But anyway, she had huge tits, huge and awesome tits, a fat ass, like thick thighs, like but was like in shape, you know, and like put out, you know, she was hot. And, uh, anyway, um, after like, I don't know, like a good bit into the relationship, I caught her bruh, like eating her boogers, man. And it kind of just at the time time it just like changed things for me and now you know I'm looking back you know like a few years later after like you know dealing with uh you know just crazy bitches all the time and I'm thinking to myself like damn should I should I have just lived with that and then just had this hot-ass bitch to fuck, even though she ate her boogers? I don't know, man. I don't know if I'm fucking, I don't know.

But, yeah, did I fuck up by splitting up with that, or should I have just, like... This dude's hooking up with, like, special needs chicks. Her helmet was sick. No, man. Honestly, like some of these chicks, they should send my way. Honestly, man. That's not a big deal at all. I want to know like...

Yeah, man. I have so many questions, bro. Yeah. Like how often it's occurring. What type of boogers are we talking about, dude? Is it in public or in private? Dude, I remember in elementary school, there was this chick that everyone had a crush on,

and her name was Brittany, dude. And we used to get in lines to go back into the building from recess, dude. So we're waiting in line, and this chick fucking sneezes like this and then like all i saw was just like mounds of snot bro and she just started fucking eating all of it dude like like a creature dude what do you mean like eating, eating it. Forking knife? She just, like, started going, like, licking it, like, slurping it up and shit. It was so much boogers, bro. Like, it was so much snot, man. Was she, like, enjoying it?

Yeah, dude. She was, like, really into it. She was, like, licking her lips. There were people around. Dude, I was watching the whole thing. And I don't know, man. Like, that's, you know. But she was, like, everyone had a crush on her dude

and i just knew man like this chick's into like eating her boogers and shit oh and i thought it was like a one-time thing but dude i would eventually see her do it again not as big like she'd get like little small ones and yeah man it's pretty common oh yeah so this guy you know i don't know man i don't know if it's like a habit you break you just like you know i yeah i would kind of maybe like i mean he really painted a picture of how hot she was i mean yeah he also i mean he said she was a great woman too you know part of me dude kind of feels like if you have like a great woman in your life bro especially guys like us like not trying to be a dick yeah but these chicks are gonna have

like one big issue yeah you got to deal with let her eat the boogers yeah say bring she's doing everything else right just let her eat the boogers yeah you know bring your friends around say like hey she likes to i mean there's gonna be something else yeah you know something i don't know what but yeah like if she's doing everything else right maybe kind of maybe she'd get back with her be like hey i'm sorry like yeah what i did what i did was fucked up i don't care about your diet yeah i don't really get it though the whole like eating boogers thing i it's i'm you know'm, you know, I'm not, like, a guy with, like, great habits. Yeah. But I always drew the line.

I don't. Yeah. I had a booger wall as a kid. Really? But I never. It's like a bunch of souvenirs and shit? Yeah. Wow.

Like, wow, look at that. You never ate them, though? Never ate them. Yeah. That would be wild if you started. I'd taste them, but it was like, oh. Oh, man. Disgusting.

You started licking the wall and shit dude i would they would have built a cage around my fucking yeah yeah i'm trying to think what i i was i still bite my nails i still and i get deep into it dude oh yeah dude my fucking fingers are fucked up dude i haven't stopped yeah you know yeah yeah the boogers thing I never got man Yeah I feel like all these guys Are like

With chicks man And I'm just like Playing with my nuts And shit so Okay so I don't really know What kind of question I'm supposed to ask

But I got a finger In my butt last night And That shit Was like Actually kind of Life changing I'm not gonna lie like my

whole life I just been coming but like I had an orgasm and that shit was different you know like I don't know if I would be able to do this shit normal again but either way either way that's not. That's not important. That's not important. My question is, would you do it or are you, like, too scared, you know? Because, like, all my friends that I talk to about it, they're all, like, way too scared. And they're all, like, calling me a weirdo for it. But I'm like, nah, man. You just know you're going to like it. And that's why you're not doing it.

I don't know. I'm ranting. Much love. Hell yeah, dude. Thanks for being honest man hell yeah he said he got a finger up the i don't know i didn't realize he was talking about himself i thought he meant like another dude like uh yeah popped one in him oh so he he did it to himself i thought he meant like it sounded like he was saying he did it to himself. I thought he meant like. It sounded like he was saying he did it like while he was J-ing off. Yeah. So now he's going to start doing that like regularly. Yeah.

You know. Man, but then you got to really like wash your hands and shit. Yeah, dude, that's fucking gross, man. You know. I'm a big believer in like not going anywhere near my butthole, dude. Yeah. I kind of get what he's saying though dude because like like i said dude i've been ripping dimes and i'm getting a little chubbed up from that so that's interesting

let me ask you this dude yeah see you with a hot chick bro she goes down on you and then goes right into narnia starts tearing it up up. I'll let her go. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Let her explore. And you're confident about that? Like, you're just like... Yeah, I'd be like, whoa. All right.

This chick likes to take a hike in the forest. Yeah, I don't have that type of confidence, man. What do you mean? I just feel like I would immediately just be like, Hey! Get out of there! do you think i am what are you doing on my waters what you doing there yeah i don't know man if she came out alive that would be impressive i mean yeah you don't want her to like come out looking like she yeah because i know Yeah, because I know for a fact, dude, if a chick went into my fucking Narnia, you know, for, like, a while...

Yeah. I don't know, man. I think she might kill herself. You know what I mean? I don't think, like, right then and there, but I think, like, the next day. Oh. You'd see it on the news. Really?

You know what I mean? She was such a beautiful girl but that would be fucked dude some chick who's like her fucking you know she has like bright future just like yeah kills herself because she ate some ass yeah you know but i mean that would be like one of the best reasons to commit suicide yeah you know that'd be a great true crime doc too yeah everyone loved her in the town but yeah I guess this guy's just gonna start like finger popping his ass on the rag man you don't want to be that guy though yeah you don't want to be that doing it to yourself this guy could be gay that's what I was thinking yeah and he seemed like he was a little fucked up and like struggling with it yeah maybe you know

yeah man maybe you just need to like go out there and just figure it out yeah take it take an online quiz or something oh yeah you know feed yeah yeah if you i don't think i don't think you can finger your ass regularly and not be gay yeah regularly yeah just clocking in yeah and he said he sounds excited too he sounds like you know no it's great yeah he's like looking forward i'm doing it right now as we speak yeah that's wild man at least he's proud about it though he was saying like he's like you know there's no way i would have told my friends yeah i don't think i would have told anyone that yeah there's no way yeah dude that's fucking all right let's see if you got one more dude i imagine these are from like

all like a walmart parking lot just clocking in let me call johnny Let me call Johnny. Hey, man. I got a kind of strange question for you. I'm not too sure who to go to to ask it, but I was hoping to get your opinion on it. You know, recently I've had a pretty bad porn addiction. You know, every night just getting to it. And it's been taking me a while to find a good video.

You know, it takes me a good 15, 20 minutes before i find something and settle with it and last night i you know finally did it took me a little longer 25 minutes i was starting to get into it and uh turns out the chick had a dick at that point i was far too committed and i said fuck it and instead of going back to the drawing board i just you know kept doing my thing and i hate to say it, but I had probably the most explosive finish I can remember. So explosive, I actually got a little bit up on my cheek and maybe even dribbled into my mouth a bit. My question for you is, is it gayer that I watch the training porn, or is it gayer that I come to my own mouth? Looking forward to your advice holy shit man oh my god wow dude that was a lot of gay calls man yeah a lot of dudes coming out

that was similar to the last one but like kind of a little bit more intense yeah man a lot of people have been talking about the whole like tranny porn thing it seems pretty popular i mean you'll pop up you you know it's like an it's like a weird onion ring in the front i don't want to say weird but it's an onion ring in the fries but you know you're just like oh yeah bro today man like dude i'm gonna be honest man like i've seen a lot of trans uh women and i can't tell it's like i've seen many of them on the subway and stuff yeah and i have a very hard time distinguishing adam's apple you know like i could get kind of hard to that yeah but if i saw a cock you know yeah you don't yeah i don't want to jack off to what i got you know but i haven't tried yet so that's the thing like we haven't we haven't tried yet you know that's the thing. Like, we haven't tried yet, you know.

I don't know if you've tried, but. I relate to the fucking taking a long time to find a video. Yeah. And I do stumble across sometimes where you're just like, whoa. Really? It's a dick. They just pop out? Well, it'll just be, you know, I mean, when you're in me and this guy's world,

you'll just be, you'll be fucking, you got 25 tabs open. You don't know what's going to pop up, you know? Yeah. I just feel like you'd notice from the title or something. You know what I mean? The title, but you know what's crazy? The dick pops out more than the words. Wow.

Okay. The words confirm like that you're seeing a dick. So it's kind of like a riddle yeah mystery box yeah okay yeah except that it's it's there you know and they do say like trans or lady boy or whatever yeah you know yeah i mean i feel a lot of these dudes i don't know man i don't know how if you like because i remember like i wanted to figure out if i was gay when i was younger and i just put on Brokeback Mountain and just started cranking one out

you know I couldn't get hard dude I wanted to get hard but this was like last night dude I've done it like multiple times just mentally I'm like I wonder if I could get a boner to this shit and I dude I'm trying you know what I'm saying I'm like I wonder if I could get a boner To this shit Yeah You know And I dude

Like I'm trying You know what I'm saying Like I'm like dude Let's get this Yeah You know You gotta tell Let's sign the paperwork

You know Yeah Cause I feel like That's the only way You can really Figure it out dude You know Yeah

But I just never could dude Yeah You know I'm just in love With like titties man Yeah Yeah there's nothing I don't know like It's weird how like They're talking about I just never could, dude. You know? I'm just in love with, like, titties, man. Yeah. Yeah, there's nothing.

I don't know, like. It's weird how, like, they're talking about cocks and assholes. No one's ever talking about titties. What do you mean? Like, if I saw, like, a trans man with, like, a nice set of titties, I mean, I could probably get, like, a little chubbed up to that. They're, like, titties. But it's, like, if I see a cock. They do have.

Yeah, yeah. like a little chubbed up to that they're like titties but it's like if i see a cock they do have yeah i'm just saying like if he was like yeah i saw this like trans woman's titties and i blew one out yeah that's one thing but he's like i saw a cock and i was like yeah it's like i don't care anymore yeah maybe maybe this guy's trans dude but yeah maybe he is maybe he wants to switch over yeah that's so interesting though man well what's gay or do you think do you think it's geared he posed an interesting question i don't think coming on your face is that gay okay no it's straight that's the straightest thing you can do put that on your tombstone that coming in your face is that gay he lived a beautiful life something like my biography no I don't think that's that gay man

I think jerking off to like a dick well it could be unintentional but then he said the going into your mouth I guess was maybe he no I think seeing like whatever led to that is probably the gayest Going into your mouth, I guess, was maybe he. Yeah. No, I think seeing, like, whatever led to that is probably the gayest. So him seeing the cock.

Seeing a cock, yeah, is startling. And if you keep going in, and then that's, like, exciting for you, then that's, like, kind of like. Yeah. If it was the cock. I mean, if it was, like, the thrill of, like, like mixing it up yeah maybe that might be a little different yeah but he's just saying you saw a cock and lost it you know but i don't know how that stuff works man that would be like a brooklyn person question what do you mean like the whole like if you jerk off to trans porn like what are

you because technically he's jerking off to a woman yeah because trans women so it's actually not that gay yeah there's a chick with a dick we really need like a mathematician not just we need like an equation or something because it's like you're jerking off to a woman which isn't gay yeah but she happens to have a cock she happens she just so happens i would have to ask him if that chick had like a manufactured uh roast beef sandwich yeah would he experience the same excitement okay or was it just the cock that got him going? Was it just... You know? Yeah. Yeah. That's, I don't know.

I think also the exhaustion of like finding the video. He was like, fuck it. I don't care. Yeah, he's like, Beyblades, let it rip. He's just fucking sick of it, dude. It's like, it's two o'clock in the morning. I got 37 tabs open. If I see a cock, whatever.

Yeah. And then he just fucking jacked off into his own mouth. And now he's just confused every day. Calls in from a Walmart parking lot. I think I'm fucking dead. He's just in like a bunch of Reddit threads right now, just trying to figure it out. That's so fucking funny, dude. Asking Siri. That's so fucking funny, dude.

All right, man. All right. Well, dude, thank you for coming, brother. Yeah, thanks fucking funny. All right, man. All right. Well, dude, thank you for coming, brother. Yeah, thanks for having me. This was great. Yeah, man, what's your Instagram? The Wandering Jew. Yeah, The Wandering Jew, man.

And then you got any shows coming up? Anything for the people? Yeah, I'm doing a couple shows. I'm doing one in Pennsylvania in fucking Tanner fucking tannerville pennsylvania okay dude borden town new jersey i'm doing my friend's show and i don't know if it'll be out but that's williamsburg on thursday so yeah wandering juman fuck yeah dude and then uh i will be headlining for the first time ever dude oh wow this fr wow. This Friday in my homeland of Rhode Island. Hell yeah.

Hopefully it's a movie, dude. But even if I bomb, it's going to be funny as fuck. It's going to be a movie. Yeah. How much time are you doing? 30. Oh, shit. Yeah.

So even if I bomb, dude, it'll be funny to just be like emotional about it. You know, just be like, yeah, man, I went back to my hometown and bombed you know but it'll be fun man if you're in the area please uh please come support me i'll put up the ticket link and uh yeah man thank you guys for listening as always