The Johnny Salami Podcast - Sammy McQuaid Aka McLovin

Episode Date: December 17, 2023

Sam is my buddy from Rhode Island. We met through baseball when we were 14 years old. He was in the area, so I had him stop by the podcast to catch up.

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Oh bro I'm hurting. I'll invade each night I lie. And I think of you and cry. And I tell you all about. Bring back my love. What have you been up to, man? Well, I'm in New York for my nephew's first birthday.

Yeah. So, well, it's a winter wonderland because he turns one so that's the name of the yeah that's that was the name of the party on the card did you tell anyone that's gay my brother-in-law dude that was fucking gay come on man i mean i know your turn you're becoming a dad but you still got to be somewhat cool. Yeah, so that's what I'm here for. She got married two years ago, and she obviously just had her first baby a year ago. So it's cool.

That's wild, man. What are you going to do at this party, dude? You know, entertain the adults. Smile. Yeah. Tell them I'm doing well. Tell them I have lots of ambition. Yeah.

Tell them I'm working on getting Alexander some cousins. That would be a good one. Yeah. Yeah, they would like that. Wow, dude, that's like borderline sexual. I mean, just implied, you know. Dude, you ever like... Grandparents want grandkids, right?

Yeah, just tell everyone you're not pulling out. Yeah, exactly. Like, so I'm trying to ensnare a woman into a shotgun marriage. Yeah. Right? That's a good verbiage, dude. You know? Um,

yeah, but dude, um, do you ever like say shit like, uh, by accident where you're like, uh, I've been doing this recently. Like I, I went to Rhode Island and, um, I was like, dude, I got to work out. I was there for like a week and I was like, dude, I got to work out. I was there for like a week and I was like, dude, I got to work out. You know, like I go to the gym before I lose my mind. Yeah. So I walked into the gym and I was like, hey, man, can I get a gay pass? Like completely. You had a slip of the tongue.

You had a Freudian slip. 100% confidence though now how soon after you said it were you like oh fuck that was not what I meant to say at all once I saw like his face I was like dude

fuck because like around you want the other Jim the one yeah it's like around. No, you want the other gym? The one, yeah. It's around here, man. Like sometimes you say things and you're kind of like in a coma. Like you're not really thinking most of the time. Yeah.

And I kind of brought that into the homeland, which isn't good. Because people actually think over there before they say things. Yeah. Yeah. But why did you move to uh roslindale yeah um and like you know with lockdown shit being on my parents enough time to pass it was like all right bud you gotta move on yeah i mean it was nice to save some money but it's like you got to get on your own two feet here but But also, my friend was looking for jobs in Boston, and he was like, dude, let's put a place. Because, you know, a two-bedroom is obviously way cheaper than a single.

Yeah, because I remember when I was in Rhode Island, dude, you were living at home for a while. What were you like, dude, what was your day-to-day in Rhode Island, man? Because I remember, I know you were reading a bunch. Like, dude, what was your day-to-day in Rhode Island, man? Because I remember, I know you were reading a bunch. And I just imagine you, like, McLovin-style, just, like, reading, like, philosophy books and shit. And just getting stoned, man. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, when I moved home, dude, the allure of the recently legalized rec weed was too much, man. I couldn't help myself. Yeah. So, I've indulged in that some chocolate bars you know some eighths of the sour are you still getting blissed like on the wreck yeah yeah a little bit legend dude i mean i'm gonna put it down eventually you got to put it down yeah you just can't function in a high functioning job dude well i mean i remember smoking weed with you back in the day dude and you were like we would always get way too stoned to the point where i was like dude i don't know i

think i might actually pass away like and you would always talk about like educational shit you'd be talking about like biomagnification and shit like i did mention that in the last podcast episode yeah you talked about that we were getting high too yeah you were talking about like the palm behind your house sometimes those brief moments of elevated dopamine bring some inspiration but then you know you gotta balance it out you gotta make sure you're not burning yourself out right yeah what was i remember um one time when we used to smoke weed i remember one time uh someone was trying to tell me like they were like dude if you if you study when you're stoned you have to take the test when you're stoned and uh i studied when i was stoned i've actually i've heard some i heard some kids in undergrad using

that as justification they'd be like studying and they'd be like dude dude let's get high and study yeah terrible idea but it was one of the worst i did it was the first class i ever failed in my life i studied when i was it was an accounting class. I studied when I was stoned at the library. I was like, Oh dude, I get this. And then I went to the test, not stoned. And dude, I thought I was reading Latin and it was wild. I don't think I got one answer. Right. Yeah. And that was, that kind of hit me hard. I was like, damn dude, like, what are we doing? You know um were you uh were you a like cram before the exam kind of guy i was like a no study type guy like i never okay so no prep

no prep whatsoever man my roommate was an extreme cram before an exam guy to the point where he'd get up at four the morning of the exam because five hours of just like repetitive memorizing was enough for him to pass the exam so i went to school in baltimore and dude you would have to go pretty far off campus to get to the really shitty neighborhoods but that's the thing about armed robbers is they will commit the robbery outside of their neighborhood so dude there was a Royal Farms, and that's basically a Cumberland Farms of the mid-Atlantic. And so he goes down there at four in the morning to get a coffee,

and he's at the cash register, and a guy walks up next to him and straight up holds up a fucking steel 38 and tells the cashier to give him all the money. Didn't even look at him and he just slowly backed out the door wow yeah and then the cops came right and they asked him like what happened he he told him and then they're like all right you can go and he like points to his stuff on the counter and he's like yo that that was the stuff i was gonna get can i have that and he hadn't paid yet and the cops were just like yeah sure

so the cops basically let him steal from the store yeah yeah but it's all right i'm sure at all it just got written out in inventory yeah fuck man dude i kind of like areas like that though they just make you feel alive, man. Yeah. That happened a lot. And I went to Johnson and Wales, dude, and people were getting robbed left and right. That's Warwick, right? Providence.

Providence. Right in the fucking clit of Providence, dude. People were getting robbed left and right, like on the way to class. That's insane. And, dude, I was so depressed at the time. I was like, dude, I want to get robbed. I want a reason to not. I need so depressed at the time. I was like, dude, I want to get, like, I want to get off. Like, I want a reason to not. I need some excitement in my life.

I remember once, because I used to commute senior year from my mom's house. And I remember my mom texted me. She was like, hey, be careful. There was a shooting on the highway. And I didn't even look into it. I just told my teacher. I was like, hey, there's a shooting on the highway. Like, I don't feel safe coming in.

Yeah. And my teacher responded. She was like, hey, there's a shooting on the highway. Like, I don't feel safe coming in. Yeah. And my teacher responded. She was like, that was seven hours ago. I was like, I still, I don't feel safe. I was like, he could still be out there. Do you, do you remember the shit you used to email your professors about, like, skipping out on class? No, we wouldn't even email we would just you were a good student I mean because there was an attendance policy and you

knew it and you're like oh you know I have three get out of jail free cards or oh man I want to go back because I still have my old email I would love to just look at some of the emails I sent you know probably like the day after we got stoned Because I still have my old email. I would love to just look at some of the emails I sent. You know? Probably like the day after we got stoned.

I just don't want to go. And I wouldn't change it for the world, man. If I could go back, I might have done that more. Yeah. Skipped out more. I've thought about it. I probably would have gone to um stevens institute of technology in new york what is uh is that like a uh it's a it's a an institute of technology so

it's like just more stem it's more stem focused so i was kind of dumb dude going to oil it was kind of a bad decision because like oil is uh strength is their business program um not really the engineering program yeah in fact uh can you think of the other school in baltimore that kicks ass for engineering johns hopkins oh wow dude it was two miles down the street and you could you could have gone there no no i should have gone to a different engineering school i don't i shouldn't have picked oil as engineering program because it was small so it doesn't really have a lot of connections yeah um the other thing about engineering i didn't know this probably would have helped to know this before but dude 75 of people that graduate with an engineering degree

work in something completely different typically like education or management so i laugh about the education part because all the kids who are like good at math like oh you should do engineering it's like are you good at engineering are you just good at school like are you just good at like little assign like assignments you know your multiplication tables yeah it felt like in college it felt like engineers uh were always like the smarter students you know i don't even like that word though because it's like i mean everyone you know you're smart you know you have to have different skills that's probably the difference is like smart kids aren't necessarily skilled what do you think you could

engineer because i think we've talked about this previously and last time i think we're talking about like a dildo factory yeah but like but like realistically like do you think you could actually engineer something and be like yeah that that was me dog i could be trained to engineer thanks to my background so like with the education part you know like about it you don't know how to do it so like this thing about dimensioning and tolerances is like dude if i give you something and tell you to make it a half half an inch thick you have what's called your cock. I shouldn't have laughed, dude. The tolerance is how much bigger or smaller could it be like that without it being a problem.

You try to put it in the hole and the hole's too big, you're like fuck. Back to the drawing board, dude. You should do that next time you're banging banging a chick yeah like miss a little bit yeah should be like back to the drawing board yeah do you um do you network at all do you try to network or are you just like i'm cruising where i'm at right now and i will apply if i want to move like make a change i mean at this at this point, man, everyone in my company

knows what's going on and, uh, it's very, it's very depressing, man. Uh, would you like to expand on that? I mean, dude, I had to go, I had to go home for the holidays and then I had to come back a week later for a Christmas party. Yeah. And I work from home, dude, but I'm in the office because I'm like visiting and they wanted me in the office. And, uh, I don't think people realize how much other people don't know about you. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like people have come up to me and been like, dude, like, how's like, how's construction

going? And I'm like, dude, I don't even, you know, and i'm like dude i don't even you know and i just that was six years ago or something like that or but it's just like uh it gets kind of not sad but it's like oh look these people have no idea you know what i mean yeah but anyway dude so my boss's boss like a big swinger was in the office so i'm in i'm in a cubicle just by myself and he starts walking towards my cubicle and he's like john psyche in the flesh this is like my first time ever meeting this guy and i stand up i shake his hand and he was like i i was told like the only way i could find you was on YouTube and I'm like

fuck dude I'm like fuck this dude and then uh anyway so like I'm already like fuck dude this is too much for me like I can't I really don't want to be doing this right now and uh he was like yeah I'm gonna be honest with you man I actually like watched like uh one of your things on YouTube and he was like yeah he was like I think it's with going to be honest with you, man. I actually like watched like one of your things on YouTube. And he was like, yeah. He was like, I think it's with your brother. I don't have a brother. He's like, yeah, I think you were like drinking.

Don't drink. Don't drink. Yeah. Don't drink. And he was like, yeah, I couldn't like, I couldn't get past like the dirty language. And I was like, oh, I mean, that adds up. Like, that makes sense. But in my head, I was like, was this guy watching a different podcast? Yeah. Right. Cause I don't have a brother, dude. I, you know,

Hey, A is not equaling C here. And then it hit me. I was like, Oh, this, this guy has no idea like the scope of comedy or like anything I'm doing. He just wants me to perform in the workplace and that's when i was like oh this all makes sense now you know like corporate is corporate man you know yeah like wherever you are yeah i get that in fact i'm in a warehouse right now still driving forklifts still moving boxes one thing that they love me for is my accuracy, like with the numbers. Yeah. Because I studied engineering.

It's fucking simple. Like, dude, I'll remember PO numbers, and people are just like looking at me like, what the fuck, dude? I can see that, dude. Like, why do you remember that seven-digit number? And I'm just like, because I fucking am good with it. Yeah. So, yeah, because of that, like, they give me a little bit of a leash,

like someone could probably like sit me down and be like, Hey bud, are you, uh, you know, you can't smoke marijuana and drive a forklift, right? Like that's federally illegal.

How often are you like, I'm never high on the job. I do not do that oh really yeah you ever like thought about it yeah yeah in lockdown was wild times it was the wild west you could fucking do anything you wanted during lockdown yeah bro i remember chops was closed everywhere it was closed right so except the grocery stores and then they basically the biggest chains were able to lobby and reopen and all i wanted was pizza i wanted pizza so bad so papa gino's was one of the first ones to reopen yeah and i go in she's like oh hon let me get your pie and i'm looking around and there's a sign over the budweiser's in the fridge and it says single beers offered to go

and i'm like you're about to give me a bottle of beer to take out to my car right now yeah yeah i'm having a roadie on the way home i was like and um a friend of mine well a co-worker co-worker's friend knew a cumberland police officer yeah dude he said the police chief said unless it was like a felony offense don't pull anyone over you know for risk of exposure and all that shit like dude it was a wild west bro you could do whatever you wanted yeah it's starting to feel like that again man i know you watch any netflix at all or um my roommate's got amazon uh the what do you call it the fire stick yeah so like we get he has netflix we don't watch it we've been watching hbo we've been watching madmen um up to like season four with that shit yeah what do you think about like because you're a

smart dude man what do you think about like netflix and like the movies they make like netflix originals do you think it's kind of like to fuck with people's minds or do you think it's like legit because they got a bunch of them out now about like the world ending and shit they have a new one out you should watch man um it's just uh i think it's like the number one movie in the u.s right now yeah and it's just about the world ending and uh it's via civil war so it's all generated like internally yeah do you think ai wrote this wrote the script i mean it makes you think though yeah right you know it's like why are people putting this out? No, I think, you know, their main goal is views and keeping subscriptions.

So, like, dude, they have to. Those are the two things they have to pay attention to. So, like, if they start putting out content and losing subscriptions and they get a negative revenue quarter like something's gonna change you know some yeah some writers are gonna get canned yeah so you think they just gotta spice it up a little bit yeah and the world's kind of like that's a give me dude you know you're like people are gonna watch exactly yeah who doesn't want to watch an apocalyptic yeah yeah movie ever seen point break yeah dude classic Dude. Classic. Really good one. Good one.

Yeah. Did you say you're watching like soft core porn dude on YouTube? That is out of context. Uh, but yes, my YouTube feed has correctly started suggesting, uh, basically soft core pornography.

It'll be like fitness models doing rdls and um craig ferguson interviews with gorgeous women you're living the dream bro i am oh my god no the algorithm is spot on youtube premium is one it's one of my only uh subscriptions and yeah dude worth it i think the same's happening to me a little bit i just saw like a uh a clip from greece the dancing scene fuck yeah oh dude hard as a rock man that's a good that's pretty much soft core porn dude yeah you know what else is a good one what the opening scene from saturday night fever where John Travolta is just walking with two slices of pizza folded over he's doing the walk yeah that's soft core porn to you uh the way he's walking a little

bit he's got a little pep in his step man it's nice when I wear when I wear leather shoes like that just makes me want to walk like that yeah that'll change the whole like trajectory of your day too man you know yeah yeah like what you watch is so oh it's what you can crucial to the day what you consume man yeah i'm here a bunch about like young kids being exposed like tiktok and stuff and like kind of like losing their minds yeah so i've been working working with a group of third graders and dude last week they just started parroting this thing. They were like, dumb ways to die. And I had never heard of it. I was like, what is that?

And they were like, it's something on TikTok. And I was like, oh, great, dude. It's not good. Yeah, I don't like it. Third grade, dude? Fuck, man. Yeah. I remember I got my first cell phone seventh grade maybe middle school

and i remember just texting my asian friend that was really it yeah i was just like yo dude just got a cell phone he was like sick man dude i remember my first cell phone was a cosmos and it was one of those that like you could slide you'd slide it to get the full full text uh keyboard oh wow like a sidekick kind of yep yeah dude those are sick man yeah i think i had nv2 yeah verizon nv2 yes sir just fucking pop that thing open dude i remember you used to have to like buy songs dude yeah i bought like get up by 50 cent okay this um rich kid i know everyone envied he had the razor dude the razor was sexy yeah dude that was sexy because it was thin dude that was like their whole promotion they were like this is thin as fucking cock dude check this out dude yeah it was wild man but uh i mean dude we do get questions um yeah from the fans if you want to

answer a few awesome hello salami podcast i was just wondering you know one time i was down in my basement and uh went on a date and uh was laying on the couch you know and things got escalated real quick she started you know putting putting her hands under the covers and stuff and then put her head under there and started giving me the old Johnson Johnson Gluck Gluck 9000. Then my grandmother walked in right at mid-climax. I was just curious. Have you guys ever had any stories or experiences like that? All right.

Thank you. Bye-bye. You want to go first or uh not mid-climax but you know high school girlfriend's dad came down i had to like roll over real quick luckily you know no belts were undone but oh yeah you were fully clothed yeah we were good damn dude i remember uh dude i was spanking once on my bed just completely naked dude and my mom walked in and i literally just got up and i was like fuck i like i just started panicking how many days was it before you could look her in the eye again

probably just like a day one day okay yeah i think you're a new kind of like tight-knit group the psyches i think so yeah i think i think me i think if i didn't stop it would have been like a few years maybe she's like come on sweetie i've cleaned shit stains out of your underwear that's no yeah that's nothing yeah i started to think about it and i was like dude every night when i spank dude yeah when i was living with my mom every night I would spank dude and I would just blow a load on my shirt roll it up and just put it in the laundry basket

so when she's doing laundry she already knows like what's going on dude you know what I mean yeah so it's kind of like it is what it is yeah you know what I'm saying but yeah dude I can't even imagine having like but yeah dude I can't even imagine having like sexual intercourse

with someone and someone walking in like what do you do then I heard of one that like parents walked in like full penetration dude yeah that's rough that's gotta be rough yeah how does that even happen, though?

You know what I mean? You got to hear it coming. You got to hear it coming. Yeah, you got to know that there's a chance that it might happen. Yeah. I know some people who are like, I don't know them personally, but I've heard stories about people who do that on purpose. Yeah. They'll have like sexual intercourse when they know.

Oh, they like the risky. They like the risk. The riskiness, yeah. Yeah, they're like like let's do it on the island in the kitchen and just see what happens i would say those people have an obvious sex addiction 100 yeah they need something extra to keep them going yeah yeah i mean everyone's got their own thing i think that would be the last thing i would ever ever want dude like yeah the reward's not good enough man we gotta up the risk you know we gotta increase

that disparity yeah yeah if you get uh it's tough because there's nowhere to go man you know what i mean yeah you can't just like run away and but if you're if you're having sex like in the road or something you can kind of just like push it to the ground and just fucking spread Spread away, dude. Yeah. That's funny, man. Let's see what else we got, dude. Sure. Hey, what's up, Johnny?

Yeah, I got a question. It's not one of those comedic bullshit stuff that, you know, everyone else is probably putting in. But so it's in regards to Siamese twins. If you have two Siamese twins and one of them, you know, you're swimming or whatever, and one of them goes underwater, could the other one be used as a snorkel and vice versa? So just, you know, maybe you could take a little all-inclusive out to wherever. And I was just wondering because maybe if they ran out of snorkels or whatever, whatever the case may be, I was just wondering what your take is on that.

I'm thinking about it all the time. But anyways, take care, buddy. Wow, dude, I thought that was going to be a stupid question, but that's actually a really good question, man. Yeah. I think this would be a question for a man by the name of Joseph Mengdahl. Yeah, but luckily he's dead. So, I don't know.

I think it would depend on the specific anatomy of those Siamese twins. Like, where are they joined? You know, do we have two torsos? Do we have two sets of legs, torso two heads i don't know man i think it just means two heads two heads on one body one body two heads so two different like nasal canals yeah i don't know that's got to be a question for like a harvard uh harvard meeting yeah yeah when the question started i was like oh this is gonna be for like a Harvard meeting. Yeah. Yeah.

When the question started, I was like, oh, this is going to be fucking retarded. But that was... Kick that one to the Museum of Anatomy and Physiology. Yeah. We should go, man, and ask them, see if they can answer it. Stump the poor, you know, student volunteer tour guide. Yeah.

That would be good. Do you think, dude, do you think Siamese twins, like, try to kill each other? Yeah, it's possible. Because I feel like, dude, if I was in that situation, I would probably try to, like, at least kill myself once a year. But I feel like you would adapt. You would adapt from a very young age when you're still like a lot more i mean dude but you gotta you gotta deal with people uh people making fun of you like you literally have two heads dude imagine walking into like a library and people are in there stoned they just see

someone with two heads i wonder what the occurrence rate is for that specific condition yeah one in a million one in five million. There's got to be a few out there, dude. Yeah. Maybe just knowing that you're a legendary breed. You know what I'm saying, dude? Yeah. Imagine playing baseball like that.

Dude, you would probably be really good at baseball. You'd have four eyes. One is looking at the catcher giving signs, and one is looking looking at the pitch that's like the ultimate way to steal signs yeah wow dude you should purposely breed a siamese twin just for that reason be the greatest baseball player of all time a team of nine siamese twins oh yeah that would be amazing oh my god you got so many eyes on the field dude dude we're taking the series oh dude you're taking fucking taking the series in four win like fucking seven golden globes dude golden gloves and golden globes too dude you win both i wonder if there have you heard about that in baseball at all like people

doing things for like a competitive advantage? Yeah. Well, we just came off the pine tar ban. So without a doubt, pitchers are definitely getting an advantage from that. They were using pine tar? Yeah. On their fingers. They were or they weren't?

In fact, CJ, the year it got banned, all the dads went to him and were like, hey, CJ, in college did you use it? And he was like, I don't remember the last time I pitched without it. So everyone was using pine tar. In college or in the MLB? I thought it was illegal. Both. But, yeah, it's illegal.

But think about it. I mean, unless you're being real obvious, you have it, like, caked onto your glove or something, do it a little bit. They're not going to know. That just helps grip? It helps spin. Yeah, because your fingers stick onto the ball and increase the friction. So it spins a little bit more.

What if it just bounced into the dirt? I mean, yeah, you can't release it. Yeah. Imagine you go to throw the pitch, right, and you do that, and it's just stuck to your two fingers like that, and you're like, my bad. Yeah. Give me some rosin, man. They're like, are you using pine tar?

You're like, no, man, I swear. You're like, no, this is cum, dude. Sunscreen and rosin. dude sunscreen and Ross I think they can't they came out once and they they asked me if I was using it and I didn't even know what it was using using pine tar I don't believe you I don't even know what you're asking me I don't even know you guys don't even know where I am right now so dude since that last episode

I think I mentioned to you that I was coaching I was coaching AAU baseball I think I called you once and I told you a hilarious story which I will tell again so I'm coaching one day and the program head he's kind of a space cadet um and he had a new cub cadet which

is basically like a lawnmower with no deck no blades so it's just a tow a drag and drag the infield so he he does the infield between like the fifth and sixth inning and he parks the cub cadet over by like where the parents are sitting and i remember the umpire just goes play and then my pitcher just steps off the mound and i see everyone's attention is now turned to behind including the umpire turned to behind the backstop which is where he had pulled up the cub cadet dude he bumped the throttle and got it stuck in forward and he starts screaming look out to a bunch of parents who are there to watch their son's way oh they're sitting there and yo yo, it's midsummer, so people had a tent for shade set up.

Yeah, we caught one of the legs of the tent and tore it down. Holy shit. It was absolutely pathetic, actually, to tell you the truth, but it was also fucking hilarious. Oh my God. How do you get it to stop? I remember one of the dads was running after him.

There was like a stone wall to the left, and the dad was yelling, go into the wall with it. Go into the wall with it. I don't know. He just kept flipping levers until he found the throttle. Oh, my God, dude. Did he get in trouble or no? I mean, quite frankly, you could have come up to him after and been like, sir, are you impaired? Yeah. Quite frankly, you could have come up to him after and been like, sir, are you impaired? Yeah, so.

Dude, that would be the best though to see in a game. Those parents, I'm sure, lost a lot of respect for him. It's like, dude, get it together. Yeah, that was wild. Oh, man. I hope that happens if I'm ever a parent. Like, dude, that's all i'm gonna be looking forward to is like random shit happening at the games yeah because like dude baseball can

be so boring in general like i can't imagine watching like a little league game like yeah i don't know little league must be more intense but like you remember the first year you stepped on the big field some of those games were just like, what are we doing? They're like five hours long because nobody can even reach first base. The ump refuses to open up the strike zone. He's like, it wasn't a strike. Sorry. Yeah. It was a ball out.

You're like, sir, it is 11-0. Yeah. I'm not going to lie, man. I used to be in love with baseball, and I kind of just stopped. Watched it up front. Yeah, a while ago. Yeah. I don't know what it was I think it's just like little league like everyone meets each other you know yeah like we met each other yeah that's how we met and shit and then when you just get older man

it just becomes like it's a chore uh and a half you have to you got to work like a lot to keep your arm fresh so when I moved up to Roslale, down the street is a park with a baseball field. And after work, I was just going for walks just to clear my mind after a day at work. And one day, this burly, bearded dude walks up. So I meander over, and I'm like, what's up, dude? You coach Babe Ruth? And he fucking laughs, and he's like, no, pal, I play. There's a men's league that plays here.

I was like, oh, nice. So I'm hanging around telling him about the coaching. It's been two years since I played Sunset. So my arm is tight as fuck, dude. He's like, guys start rolling in. He's asking him, yo yo is packy coming and the guy's like no packy texted me he's not coming and the head coach is like what i have him penciling as he's coming the bearded guy just turns to me he's like yo dude run home and get your glove and come back

with like pants and cleats really and i was just like uh sure and i took my first at bat in like four or five years and took the ugliest hacks of all time and luckily no balls were hit to me in the outfield but they're like yeah man uh if you want to play and get your arm moving again we're all for it oh wow and um yeah i played played last summer for him as in summer 2022 and i was all right i had like one good outing that i went five innings dude it was an east boss and this was wild the field coordinators uh fucked up and after the second the second inning dude we start at 7. It gets dark and the lights didn't come on. So Dino, the iron worker, has like a grinder or something in his truck.

I don't even know what a grinder is. He goes out to the electrical box, cuts the fucking lock, and turns on the lights. And it was like a 20-minute delay between innings. But I remember I got back out there and I was like, all right, if he fucking did that shit, we're in this to win it. And it was like a two, it ended up being a two-to-one game. It was a great game. Wow, dude, you must, you're getting flashbacks from the old days, dude.

Oh, yeah. Living out the glory days, brother. Were you fucking blitzed? No. Oh, that would have been sick, dude. That would be that would be wild yeah actually i was surprised this men's league so sunset we would drink beers after the game this team nobody nobody really nobody did it weren't you in a men's league where you would like rip the bong behind the dugout no no dude i heard you asked me that last time that's the sunset i mean you you could walk out of the stadium and, like, hit it.

But, like, your teammates might be like. I mean, you have to be good. I mean, if I was you, I would just make that up, dude. If you're getting stoned and you're, like, booting plays, your team's going to be like, come on, brother. You're not trying here. Yeah, you'd be a legend, though, dude. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't think. I think I was in college once. This was back when I went to URI and my last outing in high school was in the, I think we were in the playoffs and this was to get to the final four. I threw like six innings and I gave up like two hits or something. It was wild. And the last kid I faced, I struck out. And when I went to college, that same kid lived in my building. So he would see me in the building and be like, dude,

you were my last ever at bat in high school and you struck me out. And I would be like, fuck yeah, dude. So like one day he was like, hey, do you want to come to this field? We're going to like play home run derby or, you know. And dude, I decided to get stoned before going. And I didn't know it was going to be like 35 degrees out. Dude, so I show up, I'm like blitzed. Like I don't even know what's going on.

Yeah. He didn't even like greet me at all. I just ran out on the field and like went in the outfield. I'm like running around and stuff. Shagging. Haven't played in like a wicked long time. But oh my God, dude, I remember taking those first few hacks and I couldn't even like touch the ball, dude. I was like laughing my ass off too like i was like crying

laughing but i just felt like i let them they were just like oh dude i thought this kid was like good at baseball and i'm like crying laughing and missing the ball by like five inches dude but i remember the soft ass right oh he's thrown literally like 40 miles an hour soft toss right oh he's thrown literally like 40 miles an hour if they literally felt like the ball took like it's not like he's throwing like heat i'm like fuck like it was just oh man i should have on my last swing i just swung as hard as i could dude connected with one and i was like oh dude that's going that's a home run it was just a pop-up yeah i was like dude come on but yeah dude it makes you think like how hard baseball actually is yeah even when you're in like when

you're in season yeah like how good you actually are, you know? Yeah, because all that adaptation goes away in the off season. Yeah, it's crazy. Unless you keep it going. Yeah. Dude, it's funny you said that the eyes were like one of the first things that when I got back in, I was like, dude, I can't see the ball worth a damn. Yeah. Something that's like 60 miles an hour looks like it's like 90 or like what the fuck dude i remember the 2019 in the sunset we had this big kid um jared there's two twins they're named jared and jared i think jared is the lefty um he he would

throw like mid to upper 80s but even then like that to me it was like dude anything harder than this i would literally would take it in the in the teeth oh yeah yeah i remember when i tried out he just throws and you don't move the glove at all it just nails you in the face didn't you played in college right club oh so nothing yeah nothing i remember trying out at johnson and wales. And I was like, oh, I'll make the team, dude. Show up. There's like lefties from like 86. Yeah. And dude, 86 on a lefty for me, it looks like it's like 92. Like I remember like, I just remember striking out like three times in a row and like just

pretending I was mad. Yeah. When realistically I was like, dude, I got to get the fuck out. Yeah. You're like, I'm glad I dude, I got to get the fuck out of here. Yeah. You're like, I'm glad I even had the balls to step in the box. Dude, the fact that I was even out there was like, what the fuck, dude? Exactly.

Yeah. I remember like thinking it was going to be a joke and like seeing dudes throwing like we had a dude who threw splitters, bro. Oh, yeah. Literally. I was like, oh, dude, this dude just threw a fastball right down the middle and the ball just fucking broke in half and i was like i gotta get out of here dude like i can't be here there's no point in me being here dude you know making you bend the knee yeah and then uh even just think like that's division three dude like imagine division one seeing a lefty throwing like a curveball yeah or like a slider and just being like dude what the fuck man you know it's crazy that kid that kid that came out of tennessee ben joyce

dude he was touching 105 in college bro really yo he said he's like had over a 600 straight bar deadlift he said he never even tested himself in the trap bar he was like yeah i could probably pull like 700 on the trap bar damn yeah fuck dude just a different breed i mean it's because the training's gotten better yeah i was gonna say dude when you and i were playing like we didn't have any like have training yeah nobody would go over mechanics they were just like yeah just run and fucking throw. Run poles, man. Yeah. And now it's like, even that, is that place in Rhode Island, the Hopkins pitching or whatever?

Hops. Yeah. Hops. Well, he's got it all integrated because he's got cages and weight room and like a, what do you call them? Therapist table where you can do soft tissue work and work on joints and stuff? Yeah. Yeah, we had none of that. Imagine if we had none of that, man. I know. He's probably charging bank, though,

for like, you probably have to be like a certain skill level, too, right? To even get in there. Be a little exclusive. He'll say, nah, Johnny's not good enough. Sorry. Yeah. I'd be like, dude, I'm gay. He'd be like, alright, get out. Yeah, but I see some of their videos and like the

machines they have and the stuff they're doing i'm like dude i kind of wish dude that safety bar the squat bar with the like two handles in the front yeah yeah that looks sick oh i mean they have those at gyms yeah i mean i've used them yeah dude i i fell dude i was in one of those well dude like when i was i think the one thing i get upset about a lot in life in general is like when i was younger dude i was so immobile and there was no like like now you have videos on how to like loosen up your hips and stuff and like people explain the information age yeah and when i was playing dude my hips were like so tight and like I remember doing stretches for like football or baseball and stuff and I'd just be like playing with my nuts

and shit you know what I mean like yeah but now like I can stretch and like know why I'm doing certain stretches and do like strength work and shit just look up a youtube video but dude I remember over time just from like lifting heavy and not like, dude, my hips were so tight that it started to affect my knees and my back, dude. Dude. So I'm at the gym, bro. And I'm using one of those safety bar squats, not even going heavy. Dude, I think I had like 225 on. I was just trying to get to like 10 reps. So I'm at like rep eight or nine. I'm like, all right, two more, dude. reps so i'm at like rep eight or nine i'm like all right two more dude i think it was only like the ninth rep my back just fucking explodes and i just fall on my face dude fuck did you have pins

bro like anything to catch it no dude just completely ate shit my neck my neck fucking like snapped damn and i tried to get up dude and it took like every ounce of energy i had because i was in so much pain dude and uh no one around me helped me dude there was like a full gym nobody was like dude are you okay man and i do i fucking you just get up and you give the gladiator speech you're like are you not entertained i remember getting up and laughing and being like i gotta get the fuck out of here but i could like barely walk i had to go to work and i'm like sitting in my cubicle and i had to get up to go to the bathroom and i was like i'd ask next to me i'm like bro i'm not trying to be weird man can you help me get up spot yeah yeah it's called a spot yeah i had to go to physical therapy and shit, man. And the physical therapist, he was laughing his tits off.

When you described what happened? He was laughing his tits off. Not laughing his tits off, but he was like, you do the mobility screening and stuff. And he was just like, dude, you're like a board. You don't even, you're waddling. You don't even, you have no ability dude he recommended surgery dude he was like which i kind of like took as a red flag but he was like yeah man like you have hip impingement bro like you

should have the surgery where they like clean out your hips and i was just like i'm good man i'll just do this naturally no um yeah it just made me think like dude that's just like years of recovery that's years of just me fucking up my body and not doing anything about it yeah you know what i mean and then finally one day it hits you and you're like oh fuck you know that's why i felt good with the coaching like i felt like i was giving giving it back to i did 13 and 14 u and that was like the exact age that i was like all right if i had been shown really how to train like maybe i actually would have popped like mid to upper 80s but now i've sat at like 78 to 80 um even uh even just playing

d3 would have been would have been cool Yeah, fulfilling. Actually, Stevens Institute of Technology is D3. Yeah. Yeah, the only problem with that school, I was thinking with the wrong head at the time, 75% dudes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's tough, man. Because college is all about roast beef, dude. You know what I'm saying?

That's what you think at the time. And then college ends and you're like, fuck, brother. I got 40 more years ahead of me. I kind of wish i had set myself up a little better yeah yeah it's tough man you know you don't really know much back then you don't even know i mean listen your high school guidance counselor isn't like telling you hey don't pick your school based off where you think you're gonna get laid right that's what everyone did i had a hot high school guidance counselor and she was hot really yeah that's the best man yeah it was great it's so nice too dude person comes to the room in the middle of class like oh sam you have a guidance appointment i'm

like yes damn you had appointments oh yeah wow that's sick you just talked about life and stuff yeah that would have been nice to have man he's like where do you want to go to college I'm like I don't want to go to college he's like no you have to go to college or we will literally ask you to leave the school yeah and the whole time you were just thinking about how hot she was

yeah that's tough man I'm like peeping the picture on her desk of her with her husband i'm like you like i'm better than that guy dude yeah that's pretty wild man um i think we had a pretty hot guidance counselor i just like never want to see her man anytime i think once or twice man and i was like dude i gotta you come here more often.

Yeah. You know? Yeah. Just to talk about nothing. No, the thing I wish I had done more of in high school was probably SAT prep. You know, just buy a workbook, bang it out, reverse engineer it. Like look at the answer key, work backwards. You would go back and prep for the SAT? Yeah, because my mom paid a tutor but dude in one hour with the

tutor you get through i don't know 30 problems and it's like you don't do it again for the for a week it's like it probably would have been better if you just did 20 minutes a day on your own like of a fucking workbook that you got off Amazon or something. Dude, the SATs, I showed up. And you know how you have to show a picture of you to prove your identity? Because you don't have an ID back then. I do not remember that, but okay. You had to print out a picture of just you. Because back then, no one had like an ID.

Yeah, right. You know what I mean? So I printed out a Facebook picture. It was me and three other dudes at a party. So I'm checking in. I just hand over this piece of paper with like me and three other dudes. Excuse me, this is validation, right? And there you go.

We can't let you in. And I'm like, why? And they're like, we don't know who you are like which like you were provided like specific instructions to bring just a picture of you with a like a nice picture of just you and i was like i'm right there though like i'm right in the middle it's like me blasted i'm like and uh they were like i'm sorry we can't let you in and i'm like dude i just like i have to take the sats like i paid the fee like i this is the only way i can get into college and shit yeah dude so i had to run into uh one of my not even my teacher at the time my uh middle school

basketball coach was a high school teacher and he happened to be running one of the SAT classes that week so I run into his class he's already like getting everyone ready for the SATs I'm like dude can you vouch for my identity he was like yeah man dude he wrote out a letter he was like I know John like I coached him in basketball Like this is indeed John in this picture. I'm already is some, uh, some desk jockey probably scanned that into a SAT database. They're like, this is the picture he provided all for me to get like a 1420 dude.

I like, I got like just enough points for like putting my name on the fucking thing you draw pictures with the bubble in I take it with pen yeah man shit like that I just like

I don't know man like if I could go back would I have taken it more seriously probably not like yeah that's fair i mean there were times like i talked to the the 13 and 14 year olds and like you just could not get them to be serious about certain things like they're you get it they're kids like their brains aren't their brains aren't fully developed you know it is what it is but i also feel good about giving like certain things back. Dude, what you mentioned about the hips. Like, yeah, same.

Zero hip stretches like in high school. So there's one kid I remember. He gets down and we do like those flow circuits where you like sit on your ass and then you turn your leg. Oh, shit. You turn your leg in. I like push your knee to the ground. Do it with the way just a 90 90 90 that's exactly it dude the first time he tried it he like couldn't even lift his knee off the floor and i was like i was like oh shit am i being like a mega testosterone here and like giving kids shit that's too hard for them yeah but not

dude after like two or three weeks, he was moving fine. Yeah, I mean, dude, I still do the 90-90 like almost every day, and I can't do it without my hands like assisting me. Yeah. It's very hard, man. Your goal is to like get your hands above head? Maybe just not incorporate my hands at all, just do it like free motion. Dude,j actually explained

to me level one is to just kind of just like move through it right like just go back and forth level two cj said it's you like go all the way to your knee hits the ground then you start like pushing into the ground as hard as you can with your knee then step three is to actually get your ankle off the ground yeah like that's pretty extreme hip rotation yeah i'm trying to have like asian like hip mobility dude not even trying to be racist dude yeah because dude you know they like you got that long femoral head yeah i want to take shits like an asian dude you know what i'm saying like uh i saw dude i saw a video of an asian woman oh my god dude she was doing like wild hip mobility dude yeah she would like do a 90 90 and then go into like a split like rip ass and then just fucking keep doing it over

and over again i was like dude if i can do that man i can do anything yeah dude that's probably why um these japanese pitchers are coming over here and like just having so much success because their their movement their bodies just move better than us yeah dude it's crazy how much it makes it makes you feel so much better too when you can move better like i know dude i did uh have you ever done a couch stretch can't say i know that one do not know that one oh it's when you like uh you know like a regular quad stretch where you're just grabbing your hand and pulling it up so you're like doing that but like against a wall and you're like in a kneeling position oh yeah like a hip flexor dude it's so hard

to put your fucking knee all the way against the wall and then not like arch your back. But dude, it eliminates like so much back pain. I remember doing it for the first time and I like couldn't even get off the ground. Like I was just like, holy shit. You just like, I was just like, dude, this is like how bad my movement is. Like, yeah. You you know but it like makes you just makes you feel better dude you know what i mean so you ever done like any hot yoga or anything no no i just got cj gave me that mobility routine and i've been doing it for like the last three years and it's it's treated me pretty well like during the gym or like after? Pre. That's my movement prep.

Oh, wow. Yeah. And before I throw and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I love, uh, I love getting like a nice warmup in dude right before. Yeah. I get after it, man.

It's good, dude. It's funny. There's this thing called a stretch cage in my, like in the prep room at my gym. Dude. Stupidest thing I've ever seen it's like a sphere yeah and then there's like bands that run every which way across and you're supposed to just like

grab the band and hold it and I'm just like this is called a gimmick it is a prop used that looks cool but in reality it does nothing I don't need to grab the band, dude. Just walk over to the fucking wall and fucking put your hand against the wall.

Yeah. I saw him walking to an open mic. I saw a dude on his motorcycle. He was wearing a Rey Mysterio mask. And he was behind a fucking UPS truck. And he 619'd the driver, dude. Dude. Off the bike.

He fucking RKO19 the driver dude dude off the fucking rko dude so the ups driver's turning and the motorcycle guy tries to like get by him and he just gets stuck and uh do the ups truck literally just drove over his motorcycle like totaled the whole thing and the guy with the mask hops up onto the ups drivers like passenger side door and just starts screaming at him what the fuck yeah this all happened right in front of me dude damn yeah i just i kept walking i was like fuck yeah dude last week this driver comes into the warehouse and he's on his way out i was like oh yeah glad you uh you weren't coming up here saturday it was army navy at g So, dude, the state police absolutely locked down Route 1 at any event at Gillette.

So, he's like, you want to know what I had? They're all coming from Pennsylvania, so they all have a little accent. He's like, you want to know what I dealt with this weekend? And he pulls out his phone and he shows us a cab cam, which is a camera on the hood of his truck looking out. And he's driving, he's in the middle lane, and then the left lane ends. And about a thousand feet after the left lane ends, this fucking idiot in a CRV tries to gun it through the breakdown lane and then merge in front of him. The road was a little wet and he sends himself didn't even hit the truck or anything sent himself into a spiral hits the um side of the road no guardrail once he hit the

grass like with the wheels not um like the side of the car hit the side of the road and like the friction from the grass rolled the car yeah and the car ended up on its uh on the roof like belly up and the driver you know pulls over you know 500 800 feet down the road gets out is running back up the highway and by now like a crowd of people have gathered and he says he's like i know i shouldn't have said this but i ran up and i said let that sucker die dude what and like the state cop was like asking him if he was involved or if he had any evidence to which he was like yeah i have a cab cam and he said it again he said it again to the cop the cop was like hey man don't be like that yeah yeah dude some people just drive like it's crabs in a barrel sometimes i mean dude there's traffic it makes people do shit that they

shouldn't do when i worked for amazon they gave me this shitty like broken down like rapist van and they made me go out in a snow storm and all the tires had no tread on them so when I was on the way back like the storm was in full effect and I ended up spiraling out of control on the highway and like basically totaled the van yeah and they like didn't care at all and then two days later they laid everyone off. So I was like, dude, fuck this place. So like, I think about two or three months later, I get a call from an insurance company and they're like, um, Hey, uh, Hey, like, Hey, we were told that you were in an accident. Like, do you want to file a claim? And I was like, no, I'm all set. And then I think a few months after that, dude,

I get a call from the company. And dude, so there was this one night I was delivering. I'm in the shitty rapist van. And in the back of the van, there's like that railing that you step up onto to get into the back. And the one I had was like dangling from the side. It like that railing that you step up onto to get into the back and the one i had was like dangling from the side it like wasn't fully attached so i'm making this one

delivery and i pulled up pretty close to the side of the curb and uh i hooked on to this guy's mailbox and when i drove away it like it hooked his mailbox and just pulled it from the ground I drove away it like it hooked his mailbox and just pulled it from the ground so I was just driving down the road with his mailbox like sparking the road was it was there like a concrete block on the bottom uh no it was just like uh it was just like a shitty mailbox okay oh he just stuck the post like right into the ground dude like the railing from the van like hooked onto the mailbox like the base of it and just pulled it out of the ground. And I'm driving down the road with the mailbox on the back. And I'm like, what's that sound?

And I turn around and I just see like the road sparking. Dude, you know what I did? I backed up to the house, unhooked the mailbox and just left it there. up to the house unhook the mailbox and just left it there and uh dude the company i worked for like two months after the insurance claim they called me and they were like hey like did you happen to be driving this vehicle at this time on this day i was like yeah no i was like just denied it just denied it denied and they fucked me over dude they fucked me over, dude. They fucked me over so bad. There you go. Dude, my buddy is staying in St. Pete. And he was from originally Hagerstown, Maryland. And his mom was in Miami.

So that's kind of like why he's down there. So this is like one of my most dipshit friends. Yeah. So he goes to the bar one night. He leaves his keys in the car he has a fob right leaves his keys in the car because he's afraid he's gonna lose the fob yeah he gets out of the uh he they're about to leave the bar and he comes out and his car's gone and he's like what the fuck dude i think i think it's been stolen the next morning someone calls him and now

this is where it gets sketchy it's a man and he's like excuse me my daughter got into your vehicle thinking it was hers and it turned on because the fob was in there and drove away with it and was like shit can i please return this to you with no police report dude what and i think my friend was kind of a dick and was like no dude um you're something about something went through insurance again this is the sketchy friend like not entirely honest so then insurance calls him is like hey you're a long way from home what are you doing down in st pete because he didn't register he didn't register in st pete he still hasn't registered in maryland and insurance hates that yeah because all their you know rates are written assuming you're actually being honest yeah so they're like oh

yeah no problem you know we'll get that work done for you dude two months later he gets in and he all right sorry he tells them uh my mom lives down here i was just visiting right and they're like oh okay yep gotcha dude two months later he got into another accident where like he needed to put in a claim now they're like yo pal two accidents in st pete florida what's going on are you living down there so he tells he just jukes him he's like well i work remote so i come down here for like month month stretches and then i drive up back up the east coast and i guess they're like all right like i guess that's that's cool but pay the fuck attention please stop getting into accidents damn dude dude insurance uh

well rental car companies are pretty uh pretty strict yeah in general dude i i still have mine i still have mine registered in rhode island and um i got in a call from an adjuster and was like, hey, where are you living? And I hadn't been expecting the call at all. I asked him. It was like, oh, yeah, I'm up in Roslindale, Mass. They're like, all right, we're going to need you to register your vehicle. I was like, let me give you a call back. I'll do that at another time.

Just left it like untouched. Yeah, you can just ignore them. They can't do anything. Yeah. Like untouched. Yeah. You can just ignore them. They can't do anything. I mean, realistically, it's probably some dude getting paid like 15 bucks an hour, dude.

Yeah. Which, you know. And it's funny. USAA is all around San Antonio, Texas. So again, always the caller always has an accent. Yeah. Hey, y'all. Y'all's car needs to be registered yeah i mean around dudes i don't

know man sometimes i think about just getting rid of my car but i kind of need it yeah because of everything that's been happening man like people are getting in accidents and like here some people are passing like pass away and like yeah it's like fuck man maybe i should just like go on foot you know us uh us suburbanites dude we're're too dependent on the cars, man. Yeah. You got to get more like a city slicker and get better with the public transit. Yeah, I just, I mean, it definitely comes in handy, but I think about it a lot because, like, dude, I'm going, like, 80 on the highway. Like, when I go home, I'm either going early morning or late night, and I'm just, like, gone in it, dude.

Because I'm like, it's so far away i'm just like let's make this a three-hour trip and just go like 80 on the highway and it's like dude if you hit something going 80 like you're done 80 is the norm i feel like uh certain stretches in 95 you can get away with like 85 is like the norm like new jersey but dude if you hit something going 85 like you're just done like there's no oh as far as that goes you're not gonna get pulled over though no i mean like if you hit an object yeah you're inflicting serious damage on yourself and others it's not like oh i'm gonna rub some dirt on this one it's like oh dude my body's exploding like you know yeah and the worst part is you can't even it can't even be like oh i'm a safe driver you have to be like there are other people who are absolutely retarded dude on the drive over here i was on

hutchinson parkway this white infinity that looked like it hadn't been washed since it drove off the lot ripped past me so fucking fast that the wake the wind like the windiness that it whips up as it drives fast straight shook my car damn dude i was like jesus christ pal yeah and he's weaving to the point where you're like yo he's gonna clip a bumper and fucking pit move someone yeah it's crazy man the people out there dude we had this one we had an uber driver once in uh providence rhode island we were headed to the bar. This was back in the day, dude, when I was crushing it. I'm just kidding.

This guy, dude, stopped in the middle of the highway. Like, it was I-95 right outside of the Providence Place Mall. Dude, he stopped in the middle of the highway, and we all started screaming. And this dude was from fucking who knows where. Like, I don't know where the fuck he's from. Okay. Barely speaks English, dude. So I'm turning around and I just see like cars coming at us going like 80 miles an hour.

We had to literally scream at the guy. We're like, dude, get the fuck off like the highway. Like, what are you doing? Yeah. And he was like, oh no, that's the exit. And we're like what are you doing yeah and he was like oh no that's the exit and we're like yeah it's behind us dude yeah too like you missed it yeah you missed it brother keep going dude and i was like dude if a car hit us we'd be fucking smoked dude you know what i mean yeah so yeah on my drive up to danvers um i found a wig up there that i've been

doing on sunday nights there's like there's like a pothole in one of the tunnels and someone thought like oh i'm gonna come to a stop and like crawl across this pothole yeah it's like no just eat it you are creating a hazard oh yeah it's like those people who stop for like squirrels and shit it's like dude just kill the fuck like a dude i've killed plenty of squirrels man yeah I have no sympathy for squirrels. Yeah. Because they got into the soffit, which is, like, right underneath the gutter on the roof of the house on my parents. Dude, like, right in the corner of the house that's my room.

And, like, you just hear them in the middle of the night with their fucking little claws just scratching. Yeah. They're vermin, man. They're rodents. In fact, one time we were at a family friend's cookout. And there had been a storm the night before. And a tree fell over. And there were some baby squirrels in it.

And the fucking lady was like, oh. She collected the squirrels i was like oh i'm nursing them back to health i was like lady these are fucking rodents yeah she's gonna get like rabies and shit dude yeah yeah man i i've hit a squirrel i think once or twice and i felt its body like crush oh yeah I know the feeling. Yeah. You feel the vibration. I think I was emotional.

I was emotional. I'm not going to lie. For, like, two hours, and then I immediately got over it. Like, I just forgot about it. I was like, all right. Yeah. It's just a bump in the road, man. That's it.

Yeah. Dude, let's check out. You got another one? Got a few more, I think. Hey, John. Long-time another one got a few more i think hey john long time listener called a few times now um same question yet again you know if you go to like a random mexican restaurant after a lift you know you got to get those calories in and this waitress brings you your menu and she's just fucking banging, dude, like huge tits, beautiful eyes, perfect dick-sucking lips, you know.

And you eat your food and she brings you the bill when you get done and she asks you, would you like to go to her car for a quick shit and sniff? So my question to you, John, yet again, are are you gonna sniff that random woman's shit and man i really need an answer on this because it's kind of starting to get to me johnny i need an answer i don't know what to do man dude is it what is uh what is a shit and sniff is he saying it sounded like she was gonna take a shit and you were going to smell it. Oh, wow. So she's. Now, is this being bartered in exchange for sexual acts or is that the sexual act? I think he's struggling, man.

Yeah. You know? So we got to give him an answer, dude. I mean, context is key here man like if that's all we're doing if we're just smelling a smelly pile of shit then i'm not really getting much from that what do you think this guy is from dude mississippi that accent it's not maybe a little maryland man maybe i'd be i would be like baltimore amazed if i was right no that sounded that sounded more like Frederick, maybe a little further west. This guy's down south somewhere, dude. Yeah, no doubt.

He's talking about shit and sniffs, dude. Yeah. I wonder what, like, dude, I mean, I've never done that, but like. Yeah. So he's saying. Like a crimson tide thing. So he met a woman. Yeah, he met a woman at an Applebee's who's.

All right, let's just assume he went, got a lift in, for some reason went to an Applebee's. He's feeling dangerous, meets a woman at Applebee's, she's smoking hot, and she asks him if he wants to come out to her car, watch her take a dump, and then he sniffs it. I think that's what he's trying to say. Yeah, I mean, I would do it for sure if this chick was smoking hot dude yeah i mean probably out of curiosity out of curiosity i would have to see like is she serious is she fucking serious here and my curiosity would get the best of me and i'd probably be like all right i gotta see what this is about what if you just didn't follow through on your half like you're like all right let me see that ass take that shit and then she's like all right now sniff it you're just like fuck no i mean if you're already that deep in you guys yeah right

i could see you doing that and like when you're about to do it, like the cops like pull up. What would you even say? You'd be like, oh, no. Did you take that shit? And you'd be like, no, this beautiful girl did. And they'd be like, we don't believe you. This beautiful woman. Hands behind your back, dude.

This beautiful woman from Applebee's took that shit, dude. Yeah. I don't know, man. I wonder if that's a thing down there where they're just taking dumps and like you know chevys and just like smelling them i don't know yeah like is she shitting on her floorboard is she shitting in the parking lot like i think it would be in her car man yeah she said do you want to come out to my car like yeah i mean dude if i'm at an applebee's and uh if there's a hot woman at an applebee's in general like that's already like

on your way out on your way out you're just like grabbing napkins from the table you're like here you might need these yeah yeah man i guess they just do things differently down there like i don't know yeah that's like they're that's what they get off to do you know yeah man i would say just do it man like what do you have to it's not like i don't think that's illegal i mean she's taking a dump in her own car it's not like she's if she did it outside i would probably say probably don't do that because that's a little i think that's illegal yeah if a woman takes a shit and then you're just there sniffing it yeah and you got to feel bad for the person that like might step in it you know yeah i mean anytime there's a human being taking

a shit outside you have to be a little bit concerned you know like i don't want to give advice for that type of stuff but if it's in the safety of her own vehicle and she's like offering it like i mean like you have nothing to lose especially like if you want to get with her you know what i mean yeah you get a good story out of it you know yeah i mean you got to make sacrifices man it's a good story too yeah you know one time i was at this applebee's and this woman asked me to come out to her car and smell her shit like i mean if you told me that story i'd be like emotionally invested you know yeah I tell that upper class dinner parties that's where I would tell that I tell that at a job interview dude

you know with the scotch on the rocks in my hand you know yeah that's what we're doing even like an interview if they were like one of you one of you experienced adversity but I mean dude uh it was good to see you man hell yeah likewise it's been uh I didn't even say who you were which is hilarious people are like who the fuck is this guy but no man it's been like four years dude yeah so it's good to see you man yeah Johnny and I first met 14 years old Joe Joe brought you along to Babe Ruth dude you weren't even gonna play baby ruth baseball and joe had to like talk you into it i remember yeah joe my neighbor best friend of the time convinced me to play babe ruth for your team yeah my dad was psyched my dad loved

you i mean did you just meet so many people from baseball? Like when you're young? Yeah. Do you kind of like carry on with pretty cool, but yeah, man, it'd be cool to see you at a show sometime. I would love to come through. I don't think you've ever been to a comedy show. No. Well, I went to a comedy connection once. Yeah. I mean, dude, I'll have to let you know the next time I'm in Boston, man.

Just seeing you watch me like talk about tits and shit, dude, be fucking sick good to see you man yeah it was an honor to be on the podcast I appreciate it