The Johnny Salami Podcast - Sean Millea

Episode Date: October 31, 2024

Sean Millea by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Music Music Music Music

Music Music Music Music Music Music Oh, bro, I'm hurting. I would like that a lot. Alright. I appreciate you for wearing a costume, dude. dude i know it i reached out to a few

dudes man who were just like not into the whole halloween thing really yeah it's upsetting man so you invited them they were down then they said no to the ones you said the costume no they said no to both wow but uh yeah man some dudes just like aren't really into it you know which i think it's kind of gay i think this is fun dude yeah so much fun you really want to do the pod i was like yeah yeah you were like and the only reason i was like yeah it's because you're kind of far away i always will do your pod whenever and be excited but i know you're far then you're like will you wear a costume and i was like yes yes that's it i brought a bag full of them yeah this is what we we both decided on it's fucking sick man i feel like we're like a sleepover right now it does feel like that did you ever uh when you were like uh younger did you

used to bring shit to sleepovers um and if you did like what'd you uh what'd you bring with you dude what did i bring i feel like it was like video games like you bring a hard copy of something yeah i do remember my buddy this guy came over to my birthday party once and he brought uh like sly cooper he came to my birthday party he brought sly cooper like the game yeah and i was like oh thanks so you didn't have to do this and he was like oh this is just so we can all play it this is still mine i was like dude it's a part like we're not gonna play we're not gonna all play s We're not going to all play Sly Cooper. Yeah, but that's fucking sick, man. I feel like that was the best to just pack in a bag and like, like waiting for that moment

where you knew like you're going to whip something out, dude. Yeah. What'd you bring? Dude, I think I used to bring like a Need for Speed Hot Pursuit 2. Oh, you brought games as well. You were hard copy game. Yeah, I was one of the few dudes who had a Need for Speed Hot Pursuit 2. Oh, you brought games as well. You were hard copy game. Yeah, I was one of the few dudes who had a Need for Speed Hot Pursuit 2, though, dude. And that game was fucking legit, man.

I actually have never played it. I like racing games as of late. I like racing games. Yeah, I mean, dude, we could play that right now and you'd be hard as a rock. Yeah, the game's fucking sick. You still have it. Yeah, they had like Lamborghinis in there for like PS2, dude. And the soundtrack was the best, man. I think they had, I can't remember which songs they had Lamborghinis in there for PS2, dude. And the soundtrack was the best, man.

I think they had... I can't remember which songs they had, but they were fucking sick, dude. Interesting. But what about the new racing games? You don't like those ones? I haven't really played, dude, besides Fast and the Furious. You ever play that, dude? No, I just got a PS5, though, and the furious fast play that dude um no i just got a ps5 though and i should not have done it you just got a ps5 yeah i was in walmart and i was like i have a new job

and i could probably get this and then like right after getting it like a few days later i was like oh i might get fired and like now i'm looking at the PS5 like should I return this yeah I threw away the box PS5 is legit man it's another level it is cool but I also don't play games like that I literally just play Call of Duty and I don't even play that I've asked you to play like 10 times because you play Warzone I play Search and Destroy and I play it like I don't even like playing with friends I like playing Search and Destroy because I like hearing... I like when people start shit-talking, and then they get mad, and I get pissed off. Oh, you're in the open chat? That's what I like. Yeah.

It's such a boring game mode, though. If you die, you have to watch everyone. That feels the most realistic to me, and that's why I like it. Because it's like paintball, or it's like a real round. It's like, you die, you're out. You gotta wait till the next. What are you, like, high as tits when you play? Sometimes, but i'm not as good if i do that if i blast adderall sometimes i'll be too good they'll be like like the chat they'll be like my favorite is when they're like coaching

you because they're all dead they're like no go left and i like ignore them and then i like do well but that's not a lot it's like all 12 year olds, dude, with like MILFs for moms. A lot of black guys. Really? Yeah, a lot of black guys. Playing COD? Yeah, then you'll hear and then you'll feel bad because you could tell it's a black guy. And then like he'll start mouthing off to somebody or vice versa.

And then you know what's said from there. Yeah, I've always been scared to go in the public chat, dude. Whenever I go in, it's always like Chinese dudes yeah i haven't got any guys a lot of chicks too a lot of russians and like chinese dudes just like screaming shit the top of their lungs so like hurts my ear and the fucking headphone yeah dude you know you're like a play with a buddy kind of guy yeah i play with my we just like make sounds and shit but it's just being him because like dude i've been in the chat before and i'll make like a funny sound or something and people just fucking i know dude bombing in the game chat hurts that hurts so

bad you think it's gonna crush so bad i said something the other day oh uh oh the guy we were all dead we were watching a guy like he was the last alive and he was like on the wall like he was like and i was like bro thinks he's playing assassin's creed and it was silent were you highest hits uh yes oh man yeah because that hits even worse. Yeah. I literally left the game. Dude. I remember one time, dude, I got high alone at my mom's house. It was just me, dude. Dude, I watched like an episode of American Idol.

That's a weird choice. Dude, it was the best thing I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. Dude, it was wild, man. You know? But I remember, dude, I remember playing Xbox once just me, like at my life. Yeah. Dude, it was wild, man. You know? But I remember, dude, I remember playing Xbox once just me, like, at my mom's house.

And I didn't even know she was home, dude. And I screamed penis in the open chat. And my mom was, like, behind me, like, trying to talk to me, dude. No. And, like, I can't remember what this dude said about me, dude. But, dude, he roasted me so bad.

Really? I think he told me he was going to, like, kill my whole family and shit. Just like hardcore. You know what I mean? Yeah. Call of duty will do that. I also brought, I remember one time I forgot about this.

I went to a sleepover and I brought one beer in a bag, like in a backpack because I just went into my parents' fridge. I was like, this is fun. I'll take one beer. And like I brought it and then like they were like older than me the friends i had and when they found out i brought one beer they like made fun of me for so they were like one beer bro who's that doing and you thought when you took it out they were gonna be like yo i also yeah yeah i also chased the beer like i drank it and then i had like soda like i brought Like, I brought a Pepsi, too.

I was like, so I was like, and they were like, you're chasing a beer? Yeah. And I was. Did you used to host sleepovers, or did you have, like, a buddy's house that you'd kind of, like, go to? I sometimes would host, but, like, I didn't really have, like, a hangout. It was, like, my room, and, like, it wasn't really, like, a buddy's house is better when they got, like, a basement. You can all go down there, and you're, like, away from the people. Yeah, my buddy, he was a pretty religious dude. His family had a sick basement, dude.

We would set up a dance dance revolution down there. Hell, yeah. And he would invite his sister and her friends down there, dude. Oh, no, that's awesome. Nothing better than that, dude. You're just thinking about, like, finger banging your friend's sister to like fucking uh temperature by sean paul dude dude my sister uh she didn't have a lot of friends and uh so i didn't really get to like she would try and like hit on my friends even though she was older did that bother you a little bit um well part of me was like if you you guys are down, that's cool. But they were always like, ah. And I'm like, come on.

But, yeah, no. Well, dude, if your sister did have, like, a lot of friends back then and they were kind of, like, trying to, like, slurp you up, you think you'd be open to it? What good is a sister if you're not getting slurped by the... Yeah, that was always... I have a have a sister dude and it was always tough because she would invite her friends over and then my friends would be like how old a year older oh perfect so yeah dude there's one chick named jc dude she was like six feet tall with like double d's dude and we would always play truth or dare and everyone would ask her to like show her tits and uh dude she like showed her tits one night during a sleepover and my guatemalan friend like licked one of them dude and then she dared my guatemalan friend to uh stick his dick in this bottle that's in my uh upstairs and dude my guatemalan friend like literally has like sex

with this bottle dude it's like a vase and dude it was uh it was like my grandma's vase no did you know at the time no i found out like later on because your mom was like why is there a comment how did she find out i actually found out when i was uh when i was older oh like so she it was like a few years later my mom was like have you seen this like blue vase you know it was grandma's i was just like like because it wasn't where it was it was in my sister's room dude she was using it for like decorations and stuff but dude it meant like the world to my mom and Mike Guatemalan friend literally tore it up, dude. Does your mom not like she doesn't know? No, no, no.

And she won't listen to this? I think if there was, I mean, I think if there was cum in it. Nah, he just put it in and slipped it out. Even if there was cum in it, dude, she's not going to notice. She's going to be like, oh, it's a little dusty. Yeah, it's dry by now. Yeah, somebody could have shit in that thing dude and would have just been like you know yeah it was like an old vase dude you know but it's just like all sentimental value dude and she probably just got it at like

a big lots like it's not even like i don't know man that vase dude i remember it i feel like it had like special powers your guatemalan friend's like what's he doing now he's still alive dude so he's a firefighter dude so it might be like maybe that vase is like saving him out there possibly you know in rhode island yeah nothing like a guatemalan firefighter too dude you don't really see those a lot you don't see those a lot my buddy's a he was a firefighter they were only for a year and then they came back and they went to south carolina to do it but they had some like cool story just like yeah because they were telling me like uh my one buddy actually still does it but he was like he called me and he was talking

about how like dark humor is like very important to like firefighters he's like yeah like we were pulling like uh like this lady who was like charred out of a car like she's like burned alive and like you know he was like it was like the most gruesome thing but like to keep spirits high they're like you know his buddies are behind him like yeah get a piece of that ass like and he like it's like anybody else would be like this is crazy but yeah they fuck around a lot dude yeah i know a dude who uh he fucking drove a fire truck into another fire truck how did he do he just like dude that's what everyone's been asking man dude this guy was like he was so passionate about firefighting dude he used to jerk off to like that firefighting show and shit like uh oh uh chicago fire like that's

like his porn hub dude interesting uh dude die like he's all he always wanted to be a firefighter so he was finally a firefighter dude and i guess he was in like a four-way intersection he like ran a red light hit another fire truck from a different fire department and dude they like took away like he got fired and like dude he couldn't find a job no joke for like 10 years like i saw him recently this is like this had to have been like 10 years ago i saw him recently dude and he was like yeah man i'm going down to dc to be a firefighter and i was like oh it's like you haven't been one since and he's like nah man well maybe at that point just find a new career path dude that's just how passionate he is though dude really you know well just don't drive him just be the guy that runs in maybe that's that's probably what he brought up in the meeting but well what

the interview he's like i just can't drive like don't put me behind the wheel yeah dude because he like he like completely fucked up the other truck but dude i just i want to know how it happened like you got to be retired well my buddy he was he's a driver and he said that what you have to do he just told me this last week actually he was like you uh you have to like literally like put the pedal to the metal because if you're slow yeah the cars will be like nah he's going slow like i can get out of the but if you're just like barreling towards them people are like oh and you have to get out of the way so he's like yeah dude like you just gotta go full force i'm like that doesn't seem safe yeah i wonder if he's right man because like dude if you hopped in one of those things for the first time

and just put your foot on the gas all the way yeah i mean you're gonna be fine you're not gonna be hurt yeah but that would be fucked man if you just like completely total like just have to get out and extinguish i heard the test is hard as fuck oh like the course they set up a bunch of cones, dude, and it's like fucking need for speed out there, dude. Like you got to fucking. Your game. Yeah. I'd probably get flashbacks, dude.

Did you ever consider being like a cop or a firefighter? No, dude. They always ask me because I played baseball. And in the summer, there was like a summer league, dude. And our coach was a fucking dipshit. He was like the police chief dude and the our coach was a fucking dipshit he was uh he was like the police chief for one of the towns and he was like dude if you ever need a job just walk into my office and i was like what i was like dude you know how fucking retarded i am i was like the

dumbest fucking kid dude like i was doing stupid like i was still like egging houses at the time like being retarded and shit but i feel like uh you as a cop, I don't know how you'd be. I feel like you wouldn't even want to give tickets. You'd just be like, you know how fast you were going? They'd be like, well, I'd probably laugh, dude. That's the thing. You'd be like, 110. You'd be like, ha-ha.

Yeah. Well, no, just, like, I laugh at, like, really serious shit. I see. Like, serious situations. Yeah. So, like, if I had to, to like go to a scene of like a like there was like an assault or something or like oh my god like i don't know dude just like knowing that i have to be serious

that's just too much for me man you know yeah yelling dude not really like my strong suit unless it's penis playing Call of Duty. If they, like, because I feel like in the training, you have to, like, kind of yell. They probably do, like, some hypotheticals. Yeah, because, dude, there's probably, like, situations where they do, like, hypotheticals. Do you have to, like, barge a door open and just be like, put your fucking hands down. You can't even get through it. Put your hands down. The cops behind behind you were like what's going on dude that would be funny to do like do well

throughout the whole academy and once you get to that point just do something wicked funny like show me your fucking dick yeah there's probably that's even funnier dude to do something serious and then like follow it up like you set the expectation that you're like really emotionally like invested just to get in yeah that would be like being like a news reporter dude like you finally get on live air just completely go rogue dude yeah I don't know man but yeah dude I do miss uh I do miss the sleepovers man I keep thinking about that dude yeah the sleepovers were cool I miss that I just kind of miss like high school not high school but

like just sort of like yeah the sleep and then like. But a note I don't miss about sleepovers is being hungry and not wanting to, I'm like, ah, you got food? He's like, yeah, just go to the fridge. I'm like, ah. Dude, do you eat a lot? I feel like I've never seen you eat before, man. I can eat. Yeah.

But not, yeah, I mean like. You seem like one of those dudes who could eat like anything, dude, and just nothing would happen. Kind of, yeah. Yeah. I go, yeah, I mean, like. You seem like one of those dudes who could eat, like, anything, dude, and just nothing would happen. Uh, kind of, yeah. Yeah. But I go to the gym. Yeah. I don't do, like, what you do.

I mostly just do, like, boxing stuff because it's more fun. Literally today I went with my buddy to the gym after work, and we were doing, like, chest stuff. Yeah. And he was like, all right, now we're going to do triceps. And I was like, you can. I'm bored. I just was like, I'm going to go shower.

And he was like, all right, I guess I'll shower'll shower too what's it like in the showers dude dude it's fucking equinox right so first of all i should not be going there because it's too much money but you're dropping money on a membership there yeah it's 250 a month which is a discount with the nyu discount or whatever but uh the steam so the the like rumor is that gay guys jerk each other off in the steam room yeah which there is a big sign outside the steam room that's like no jerking each other off in here like that's what the sign says you know it's so many words and it's in like braille yeah and and it's like that's that was enough for me to be like oh guys jerky because that sign you don't put that sign just anywhere they don't put that outside like

yeah a chili's because you know yeah but the other day first of all there's a guy there's one guy that's always in there and he comes in and first of all the sign this is what some gay comedian told me the sign is if you look a guy in his eyes, which that already, I'm like, what? So now every time I'm in the steam room, I'm looking at the floor, shutting my eyes. But this guy comes in, he goes like this, and I'm like, fuck, I looked at this guy. And, well, first, that was when he was leaving. So he looks at me as he's leaving, and I'm like, fuck, I just look at this guy. Sure enough, two minutes later, walks back in, sits right next to me. And I scooted over and made it very clear, like, get away from me.

But he's like, stands up. What he does, he'll stretch. And he's like, uh. He's like moaning and shit. But then dick out. Like everybody else wears a towel. He's dick out, sits, legs spread. The steam comes in. And then everybody else wears a towel. He's dick out, sits, legs spread. The steam, you know, comes in.

And then you can't see anybody. And I hear, like, what sounds like jerking off. Oh, shit. But I'm like, I feel like I can see his arms. Maybe it's just his feet. And then the smoke clears after a few minutes. And he's, like, laying on the guy behind him's legs. And I just get annoyed.

I don't know. I'm like, am I being, am I? Wait, he's spanked? I don't know i'm like am i being am i wait he's he's spanked i don't know yeah but like steam kind of hides it dude that's why they do it yeah yeah and like laying in between another dude's legs um yeah so there's like uh because you could sit on this level and there's a higher up level and there was a guy behind him and he was like laying on on his knee and i'm like why are you giving him like a piggy bag with his nuts um he was like teabagging using his leg is like a backrest oh yeah how close to

the nuts dude um not super it was more you know what it registered to me as it registered to me as like we just had sex and now we're cuddling. Yeah. A little bit of intimacy, dude. Yes. And I'm like, am I a dick for hating this? Yeah. I'm going to be honest with you, dude. I tried spanking in a steam room once. You did?

Yeah. All right. I'm just being honest, man. But why? Because I went to this gym, dude, and the average age was like 85. And they had a secret locker room upstairs dude no one ever went up there bro swear i never saw one person up there and they had this steam room dude so i'm in there man i'm thinking about this girl's titties bro you know and i just start cranking it bro it

does seem like a fun place to wank you're alone though in this room yeah but you're going to war dude because you're getting fucking... It's hot in there, too. The thoughts you're having. Like, you're thinking about someone walking in. So you're trying to, like, go fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know?

I'm like, no one's ever, like, been in here. But if they come in... Well, could you see the door? Like, or was the steam blocking? I mean, if they came in, I feel like they'd kind of know what's good. Because I had, like, my eyes closed, dude. Like, I'm just like. That's ballsy.

My arms, like, cramping up, dude. And the steam is so aggressive, dude. I'm like, dude, I literally couldn't do it. Like, I, like, blacked out, dude. Really? Yeah, because I was trying so hard. And nobody came in, though. I just couldn't, like, let it rip.

You know what I mean? Well, I'll be sure to ask these guys how they do it when i see them i'll be like i think it was like a sign from the gods man they're just like you shouldn't be doing this right now no you know what somebody said to me they were like would you care if ladies were in there and they were like fingering each other and i'm like um i guess that's a good point yeah i watch a lot of that man like a czech porn like sauna porn and shit oh i actually have not yeah you should dude i'll send you a few vids man okay as long as well it's like uh it'll be like this like czech couple dude they're like kind of like they're

tourists dude they're exploring and then they find another couple and they're like oh like what is there to do around here and the couple's like oh well we're gonna go like hit the sauna or whatever do they all hit at the same time and just go to like they like switch each other's wives and shit man that's cool it's like one of my favorite videos dude but they're like check so it's kind of like i think it's kind of normal over there dude i think that's how like you build like a friendship okay it's kind of like getting a coffee here for them it really yeah that's what sex should be with hot women it's like just like a handshake it's kind of like getting a coffee here for them it really yeah that's what sex should be with hot women it's like just like a handshake it's like let's just go to a sauna dude and get after it yeah yeah just a quick like run around being in a sauna with a woman dude would be

that would be insane dude the thoughts that you would have in there dude well that i mean now you're making me empathize with these guys because That's straight up cock and balls though, dude. But they're gay, so to them, cock and balls is the boobs of... They're kind of like cheating the system though, dude. In a sense, yeah. I'm saying if a chick walked into the men's sauna, just kind of sat down, you're not going to say anything, dude. No, none of us would.

But the thoughts that would go through your head, you'd kind of be like down like you're not gonna say anything dude no none of us would but like the thoughts that would go through your head you'd kind of be like damn dude i might be like i'll miss like just just so you know these are this is the men's i wouldn't say that yeah i would just start doing all the size i'd be like looking at her eyes i'd be like because that's the other thing you cough which oh that's one of the signs apparently the other day i accidentally coughed and i was like fuck because the steam makes you cough so i'm like you're like do whatever it takes that kind of makes sense as a signal though yeah yeah there's that and uh yeah or like some guys will like they'll like you can like make sounds with your feet on it's like a squeegee sound.

Who are you hearing all this from? Like who's telling you these, the inside scoop? Well, this one comedian who's gay, he's like, oh no, it's not a rumor. It's true. And I was like, oh, okay. He's like, yeah, just look at the guy's eyes. Or then he said, I think he was in the audience actually. It was like a mic.

He's like, or you cough. Yeah. Or you're just erect and they see. So he's saying like, they like blow each other.'s like, or you cough. Yeah. Or you're just erect and they see. So he's saying like they like blow each other. They like jerk each other off. I think it's just jerk, just touch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, if it's empty in there, maybe you go for it.

But it's a pretty busy steam room. Is that gay, dude? Getting a handjob from another guy? Is that gay? I think by definition, probably. Yeah. That makes sense. There might be a workaround.

What if like, you're like, dude, I couldn't see in the steam, you know? I was imagining it was a woman, that sort of thing. I thought it was like a co-ed. Well, now we're getting into like prison world where it's like, you know, maybe that's not gay. It's just all you got. Dude, you know what I was going to ask you, man? Is like, uh, cause like during Halloween, you can't really tell who someone is like you don't really know who they are dude what would you do if you were like slammed went home got like a blowy from

someone and found out it was a dude because it was how would you just end your life um well i mean what was the costume it was it was like uh like just like a full body mascots something discreet where you were just like i don't know if this is a man or a woman but i'm like well that's all i'm ready to go yeah but i'm just saying dude it could happen but i find out later yeah this is sort of like uh this is realistic man because this could happen tomorrow you know that is possible. This has happened to me without a costume, dude. Just like a trans girl? Yeah.

I mean, I haven't done anything, but... You've come close. I was in Boston, dude, and it was like 1 in the morning. And I was with these two dudes, no homo. And we were like, yo, let's get it. Like, we got to start moving, boys. Dude, I'm walking towards this chick, like an actual chick, super hot chick. And then another chick walks by in like a red dress

and like kind of like bumps into me or whatever. And the chick I'm walking towards gave that chick a very dirty look, like wicked dirty. Like get it was so obvious i was hammered but it was like super obvious dude so i walk up to this hot chick i'm like yo that's my girlfriend and she's like what the fuck like dude she was even more confused like so you you decided in this moment i'm gonna go for the girl that bumped into me and make an enemy of the hot girl by defending them. I just didn't know what I was saying, dude. So like when she made that dirty look, I was like, yo, like that's my girlfriend. You're like giving dirty looks too. And she was like literally more confused than I've ever seen someone in my life, dude. And I confuse people

like a lot, dude. So I'm like trying to like talk to this hot chick and she's like not answering me and i'm like all right dude so i uh i walk back to my boys i'm like yo dude let's get out of here man like i can't do this anymore dude so we go downstairs and i see uh the girl in the red dress who like uh got the dirty look bro it was an asian dude in a red dress. Bro, armpit hair, chest hair, like the whole nine yards, bro. But also, like, you said it was your girlfriend. Was it, like, in a kidding way? Because you tried going for the— No, I thought it was a legit woman.

I could only see the back, though, dude. I couldn't see the front. She was this way i'm walking this way crosses it like crosses me took a quick peek i was like that's a chick you're like damn yeah well yeah so what happens man you can't like trust your peripherals you know but i think what you think it it's like we get hard over animated characters. You and I. I mean, you. I mean, we've all jerked off to SpongeBob a few times. You jerked off to like Naruto and shit, dude?

No, I remember Conker's Bad Fur Day. It's a video game, and he's got this girlfriend, Berry, and she's like a squirrel or a bunny, but she's made to be sexy. As a kid, I was like pulling rope at the screen. And you're still spanking to these things, right? No, no, no. I got some boys, dude, who have cried to Naruto. That's okay.

I know if you're crying to something, you're spanking to it, dude. Yeah, that's actually worse. Yeah. But my point is, if we can get hard you and i do animated characters and they're not actually human or women or anything yeah then i think it just goes to show it's really about what you think and not what it is yeah perception yeah i know a dude who fucking came without his hands. Yeah, he was just getting blown. No, dude, like, literally nothing.

Like, just his imagination. That is... I've come close, but I was... Come close? No, I was... I was high. And, like, very high. Dude, so was he. That's what it is.

Like, I used to get, like, body highs where where like my it would feel like my body was vibrating and i remember very vividly being in bed at home high and i was like i'm gonna pretend i'm getting a blow job and it felt like i got so close holy shit what happened it just it's like a mental game you really gotta it's a so you got pretty close to the finish line and then you were like i can't do this yeah it's like trying to reach nirvana or like jerking off in the shower, dude. That's tough. Well, standing alone is really hard. Oh yeah, dude.

Yeah. When I jerk off in the shower, dude, I end up on like both of my knees, like bawling my eyes out, dude. You got to go against the wall. You got to go leg up. Like it's a whole, even if you come dude, like even if you come, you're still crying because of like all the work you put in, dude. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, man. you come dude like even if you come you're still crying because of like all the work you put in dude you know yeah yeah in there yeah man i remember i used to get hard like uh

hard and like open showers dude you know no homo man if i was in an open shower like i think the thought of like me trying not to get like a boner really i would just kind of get hard dude well when i was in open showers in high school but i always yeah i was scared because i you know well i was ninth grade i had a tiny wiener at the time that's a scary side man yeah and like the wrestlers yeah yeah no no all chicks that'd be crazy yeah co-ed showers yeah um but, yeah, they like, the whole culture of wrestling was like, show me your dick. And it was like, and they took note. They were like, everybody, it's like they had a clipboard with each person's size. What if you were hard?

Well, that wouldn't do me any good. Not because they would be weirded out, but just because like, it wasn't like it was anything to show for. They would just be like, you're hard and that's how big. Wow, dude, that's kind of gay. On them. On them, yeah. Not on you for being hard. I agree.

Being hard around a bunch of dudes, dude, that's the least gay thing you can do. It's asserting oneself. Yeah, sometimes I think about doing that. Just getting a boner in public around a bunch of dudes. Yeah. Just being like, yo, what are you guys looking at? Just joining a boxing gym. I'd be like, are you going to do anything?

You're like, nah. Or just go to, like, the DMV, dude. Are you guys gay? Taking, like, your license photo hard just so you could tell people. Just pick up my son from school, dude. That one might give you issues. Dude, but I was going to say, dude, so that same gym, same gym where I jerked off in the steam room, dude,

they had open showers downstairs, which is like where all the dudes kind of were. That's where they like kind of flocked. Upstairs it was empty, but downstairs, downstairs dude guys were getting after it man like showing balls dude showing shaft like the whole yeah dude it's almost like these dudes wanted you to know what's up well that's what they'd be doing in this locker room dude like where they just walk around and they're just like it's old men and they're just like they're in front of the mirror like completely naked and i'm like you don't need to do that yeah it's like dude you're fucking nuts aren't like the da vinci code dude like i'm not trying to see you know but anyway dude leonardo's code yeah i mean they're they're searching for something man you know but uh dude i remember

being in the open shower and I was getting kind of emotional cause I was like by myself, dude. And I was like, I was doing like a few twirls and stuff, man. You know, just me, man. What kind of twirls? Like dick twirls or like ballet spins? A little bit of both, dude. I was kind of like flopping my dick around, dude. And then spinning around, getting my sphincter soaked and shit. Nice. Yeah. Yep. yep bro so i like almost fell asleep like i was like doing my doing my hair and shit man like i'm just i'm just soaking up the water and shit bro dude so i start pissing and it dude it felt so good to piss in like an open shower and i did a quick twirl dude and there was a guy next to me bro and i pissed on his leg and dude he didn't do anything

he wanted that i don't know man but he didn't even flinch bro i pissed on his leg dude and i was like oh like i was like yo you drew attention to yeah i was getting ready i was like dude this guy's going like if you piss on another dude bro bro, like, I feel like most dudes are probably going to start throwing hands. Yeah. Yeah. Most. Yeah. Like, in an open shower, dude, too.

Two naked dudes just throwing combos. That would be so funny. That would be a crazy fist fight. Completely naked. It was like your first day at the gym, too. Or you're like doing a free trial. Dude just taking blows in an open shower, dude. That would be wild.

Do you think you could fight another dude naked? I don't think I could do it, man. It's just like less afraid of fists like if you were in that situation dude and that dude started throwing like combos yeah but like blocking the cock like would you fight back i think you gotta really you're gonna just take wet fists i mean just run out to the front desk i did think about telling the front desk girl like just waiting at the desk like for the guy that like was weird and being like that's him oh the gay dude yeah but you know a guy's gotta live that's all he's got do you think they're

cracking down though you know i don't know what they would do. I feel like it'd probably be like I would say it, and she'd be like, okay, but we really can't prove it, can we? And I'd be like, you're right. What are we going to do? Yeah. I mean, you could take out your phone, dude. Be like, world star.

But you're not allowed to have your phone. I do bring my phone in there, but you're not allowed to have your phone in there. Oh, really? Yeah. That's kind of gay, dude. I know. That's gayer than a dude giving you a handjob. I know.

And sometimes guys will give me looks like it's like, why you got your phone? Oh, yeah, dude, because I heard Equinox is pretty strict with, like, phones and shit, right? I guess, but I've never been bothered. Well, I know, like, a bunch of chicks who I would follow online. They'd put up, like, squat thrust videos and stuff. Yeah. And I think they tried going to Equinox and they were just like, yeah, we can't have this. Well, they have tripods at Equinox.

For real? Mm-hmm. Like that you can use? Holy shit. I mean, it might just be so you can like put it, your phones. I don't know, but there's like, I'm like. Maybe these chicks were just getting too into it. Like taking up space or something.

Well, yeah. I mean, you got to be like tactful and tasteful about it like if you're like filming everybody else it's kind of annoying but yeah yeah yeah i don't know i've seen a lot of uh do you ever see those videos where chicks get like kicked out of the gym because they're like doing kegels at the like check-in desk um i've seen no i've seen the videos where they're like why are you looking at me or like look at this guy looking at me. Yeah, that's crazy, man. Yeah. It's fucked.

I mean, and it's just, I think what's wild, too, is respectfully, just like the tight gym pants that a lot of women wear. Yeah. I'm just like, whoa, that is crazy. Yeah, I've been getting a lot of neck pain, dude, because I'm always looking down, you know. I'm never looking up. I'm always looking down. You know? I'm never looking up. I'm always looking down, but

sometimes I feel like I should just join the dark side, man, you know, start looking up. Kind of see what's good. What are you going to look up at? Just titties and roast beef, man, you know? Oh, you're looking at the floor. Yeah, like when I see, like, camel toes and shit at the gym, I'm not like, I'm not looking at it. Oh, you're respectful looking at the floor.

I try to be that way as well you know you sometimes it's just it's an inevitability because it's such a large portion of your field of vision but um that is my head i feel like uh i don't know if you feel this way but i feel like a respectable woman will be like hey i noticed you're not like creepy like i respect that that's your that's gonna be your like meet cute that's been it for like the past like uh like some girl coming up to you like i noticed that you didn't take a look at my ginormous ass and titties yeah because that's what they want right i mean like the old dudes though man they just look right into it because when you're on your way out, you've got really nothing to...

Not even, man. These dudes are like 50, 60. But when I get to that age, I just wish... I hope I won't even want to look. I hope I'm like... I'm trying to be like a Buddhist monk. Well, this is actually a monk costume, but more so enlightened, straight up meditate. I'm not earthly um earthly tethers

do not i'm not grounded by them i don't i'm not bothered by the temptation of the mortal man you have the roast beef right but then you talk to a guy like my dad 72 71 and he's like, damn, look at her. And I'm like, come on. Oh, he's still staring? You know. I knew he was a legend, dude. Yeah, but it's like, I'm like, and it's cool. Good for him. He's having fun.

But I'm like, by the time I get to that age, I want to be like in a cryo chamber. Really? I don't know what I want. In like a zen state? Yeah, well, also, I want to just like, if I get married, I want to just like be able to never want or be interested in sex with another woman again. Wow, dude, that's pretty emotional, man. Because you want to get married, right?

Or no? I don't know, dude. I mean, when we're older, I don't even know if it's going to be a thing. You don't think so? Well, maybe we'll have ai girlfriends that we could like yeah hang out with dude have like get togethers dude sleepovers and shit yeah you know but the thing will be if it's ai like i'll be like damn like johnny's girl i mean yeah i'm gonna be like i'm gonna just make my ag like uh change change appearance to that yeah that we both have the same that we just hit a sauna together dude yeah yeah yeah yeah i don't think marriage is gonna be like uh by the time we're like 35 dude it's probably gonna be

over for us how old are you i think of your age 28 okay yeah. You think it's done by then? Yeah, man. I mean, everyone's divorced now. So it's like. Are your parents? Oh, no, I know. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry.

No, you're good, dude. But like, dude, my mom is like 70. So. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So like you're. Yeah. Your dad's 72.

Seven. 71. Yeah. So like, dude, back then, bro, marriage was like, that was all it was, man. I feel like everyone was married, but nowadays, dude, it's like everyone's just divorced, man. Maybe it'll be sort of like an expiration. It'll be like, it'll be like, we will, because I feel like that's what it's almost like you ride out the honeymoon phase or like it's like, or at least like 10 years. And then it's like, all right, now we move on to somebody else it's like a phone contract yeah man because like hot chicks do they

have like um just like a lineup of dudes that they can just like cycle through you know yeah like even you do like you're paying for like the hinge premium dude like you got a you got like an all-star lineup and then like if they're not available that night you can kind of like well actually i've i've reworked sorry yeah i've reworked my approach for real well now i'm trying very very hard to only like women that i would want to date wow because historically that's what i go into it with that intention but then it's like oh her tits are out and I would have sex with her. I'll just throw one like at her.

And the next thing you know, I'm like, you know, in the back alleys, like $0 to my name hinges, like knocking on my door. Like you owe us, you owe us a lot of money.

Yeah. And I'm like, yeah. Wait. So what are your preferences now then um 410 and below uh four eight it's called dwarves or small people little people um no it's just like it's not that i have preferences it's just that i like dislike. I have three matches that I'm not even interested in. And I'm just like, know what I do?

This is what I do. The top picks, you know about the top picks where you can send the rose? Sadly, I've been buying roses because that's where all the girls that I'm like, oh, she's beautiful and I would want to date her. That's where they all are. Those are like supermodels though, dude. But that's what I'm like, that pisses me off that hinge is like we're gonna take all these people and we're gonna make you pay yeah to and then we're just

gonna show you like the dogs and i'm one of the dogs too don't get me wrong i know i'm not in the top picks yeah but just think about like those chicks man like how many dudes they have just well that's that's a big thing. I mean, it's like if you don't provide something for them, they can just be like, oh, this dude doesn't give me this. Like, I'll just go find Jeff who has like a fucking dog, you know? Yeah. And like a job that's steady and money. He'll pay for this. I think about that, too.

I do get stressed. Like I'll have a match with somebody that I'm like, oh, she's beautiful. But I don't know. She can get somebody that already has a oh she's beautiful but i don't know she's she can get somebody that already has a job that's paying them well and yeah if i uh if i had hinged dude i would probably uh i don't know if you can do this but i would just preference it by like uh sobriety i probably want to be with like a sober chick dude interesting if you're looking for like marriage dude i feel like that's kind of like where it's at that is cool you know do you how do you drink not really but if i if i'm fucking

gonna get married i kind of want to have like a sober wife and then you would be sober i think so yeah okay yeah that's cool yeah man maybe it was like if i'm getting married dude i might as well go like the whole nine yards you know do like do like hiking on the weekends man because like if you're sober you gotta find other shit to do you know that is a good point because like when i'm doing spots and shit dude and i walk around afterwards or like beforehand and i like walk by restaurants and i see couples like just drinking i'm just like dude that looks terrible because they're doing that every week i know you know i think about that too you like even if you go to a bar you'll see like a couple or like a restaurant and just like, these people do this every week.

It's just like a different restaurant and they're just kind of staring at each other like, damn, what did – My brother and his wife, they'll go – they'll get drinks and stuff, but they'll travel. They have like a – it seems like a healthy relationship like drinking and being a couple and enjoying it. I think maybe if you're doing a, you know, if you're doing things, but I also agree. Like I do think like there was a girl I dated last year.

We, it was like a month of dating and we both kind of realized like we weren't the same. And she was like, likes to go, like, she's like, yeah,

I'll go to a bar every weekend with my friends. I'm like, I don't want to do that at all. Yeah. It's like every chick too, man. Yeah. You know?

And they're like, Oh, you know, like I don't really drink that much. It's like every chick, too, man. Yeah. You know? And they're like, oh, you know, like, I don't really drink that much. And then, like, every weekend, dude, they're just getting plastered, you know? Yeah, yeah. Going to, like, clubs. And that's fine if that's what you like to do. But, yeah, I just don't enjoy that sort of thing. Yeah. But, dude, just having, like, a hot wife, man, like, going for a hike with her, like,

do you know how sick that would be? That is cool. Like, ripping ass on the mountain and shit, man, and just, like, talking about, like, life and shit. Is she ripping ass? If she wants, man, you know? that would be that is cool like ripping ass on the mountain and shit man and just like talking about like life and shit she ripping ass if she wants man you know that's cool of you that'd be kind of fucking sick dude we we definitely are a horny two guys like i feel like our conversations always go towards this but i think this is more this is a respectable we're both kind of uh i mean i've been horny on a mountain dude you've been horny on the horniest i've ever been honestly dude on a mountain, dude. You've been horny. I've ever been honestly, dude,

on a mountain on the way back down. Once you've conquered it, dude, if you're with a chick, man, bro, you're going to be rock hard. Have you ever climbed a mountain with a check?

Yeah. Yeah. A few times. Yeah. Really? This is like your go-to date. Hmm. One,

one time was with my girlfriend, dude, and she fell on the mountain and i started crying laughing and she got so mad she was like don't fucking laugh she's like i'm so fucking hurt and i was dude i was trying so hard not to laugh like a dude if you fall like it's you know like i'm gonna laugh yeah because it was like it wasn't like, it wasn't like a hard hike, dude. It was like, like, she slipped, dude, and fell on her butt. It wasn't like she took, like, a hard tumble where I was like, yo.

But would you have laughed at that? Probably, honestly. Yeah, you couldn't have been a cop. Like, briefly. You couldn't have been a cop for sure i mean dude like it's just like shit like that kind of like pisses you off you know because like you just climbed a mountain bro you're feeling good you're on the way back down someone falls you laugh and it's like now you're the bad guy dude and yeah you're not only you're the bad guy you're horny because you conquered the mountain yeah

i'm hard and i'm laughing dude you know damn that does seem fun yeah i'm trying to quit weed i i smoked last yesterday and i'm you know i'm not positive i'll make it through fucking tomorrow but yeah uh you like ripping bong or like no weed like wax pens uh man it's gonna be a lot of chemicals dude yeah and i'm buying it from like a bodega where they gotta like go downstairs to get it like fucking with your brain dude yeah i'm like can i get a wax pen they're like hold on they go lock the front door have you ever been sober before or no um like for how long just like in general it's just like how long have you been sober before? Like, because that's when you're going to find, like, your true self.

You think? Well, it's cool to hear you say that. I would say, like, probably it's been, like, 10 years since I've been, like, sober for more than a week. Oh, wow. One of my buddies is addicted to weed, too. You, like, can't get off it. Maybe I should find my true self. You will, man. That's why will man that's but what about i'm

prescribed adderall i only got it prescribed in college and i take a little bit and but i do try and i'll take it like at least four times a week do you think that that that doesn't count for like adhd or like add yeah it just helps me like lock in and do what i need to do or i don't know man it's just weird man because like sometimes I meet people, not like you obviously, but like I'll meet people, man. And like, um, every time I see them, they're like a different like person. And I'm just like, is this me? Or is it like, but are they like smokers, Adderall?

Everything, dude. Yeah. Especially like with us, like with comedy, dude, like you meet people, man. Like sometimes you might see more, like see someone when they're high. And then the next time you see them, they might be drunk. And the next time you see them, they might be like Adderall up, you know, and you're just kind of like, dude, who is this person? Like as you know, themselves. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

I can't even say for sure. I know, dude, I feel like I took, uh, a couple of days off like last week and I started getting real pissed off and everything. Yeah. It kind of felt good. But at the same time, I think it was just – it's not like – either I'm very – like I get angry. I wasn't saying things to people, but I was getting angry. That's probably a good thing, man. Possibly.

I am a pussy and it might just because of weed yeah well that's the thing man like people think like you're supposed to be like happy all the time and i think that's why they like resort to like substances and so like oh i don't feel good like i'm just gonna like get high or like you know but it's like dude i think what makes it like what makes life awesome is like the peaks and valleys man so like when i get angry i kind of like embrace it dude yeah i start fucking shadow boxing my nuts and shit like yeah like i i used to be like dude why are you mad like you should but like dude i just like let it out you know yeah i feel like it's kind of normal and then do you how do you stop it from like it like how do you

make sure you don't get mad at like well i get mad and then i like do something to like could not be mad yeah that's why why I hit the gym and shit. Do you get high anymore? No. I haven't been high in a long time. Really? Yeah. I was losing myself, dude.

Bad. From weed? Oh, yeah. Really bad. I was becoming a different person, man. I used to get fucking stoned, bro. I think I was getting high and drunk. So I was like drinking heavily and smoking heavily, dude. Like ripping stoned, bro. And I think I was getting high and drunk.

So I was, like, drinking heavily and smoking heavily, dude. Like, ripping bong, bro. And I would just go to these parties, man. And I'd be like, I mean, you know, like, now I live the lifestyle of, like, the baggy clothes, you know, like, the polo and shit. And that's, like, who I truly am. But back then, man, I was rocking, like, fucking Hawaiian shirts that were, like, super tight, bro. Really? I'd be, like, flexing my triceps at parties and shit, just trying to get pussy. Yeah.

You know? But were you like vocally loud or were you still kind of reserved? I was a little bit more like outgoing because I was like hammered and high. Yeah. You know? Well, weed will make me recede into myself. I don't really get outwardly, but alcohol will get me more like. Yeah. The two combined, man alcohol will get me more like yeah the two

combined man would get me going yeah when i got high though dude i would just get inconsolably high i think at that point in my life man i was really uh i would get anxiety because i was just like damn like dude who are you you know but i would have so much fun getting high that was the thing you know i don't even have fun anymore it's just like yeah i think you reach a certain point i use it to in my mind to be productive but i i feel like during college like i taught myself piano and stuff and i would like literally go to the piano room and just like yeah i would literally smoke weed outside and then i'd go in for like two hours every day and i'm like still trying to figure out if like weed really did help because to me

weed will make a boring thing fun. And so like practicing or going to the gym or all that stuff, like I've used it for that. But at the same time, I don't love that. It's like, well, why can't I be that productive or be that guy without it? You know? And then I feel like a fraud almost. It's like, oh, I'm like using this. Yeah.

Well, I think if you smoked weed and it was like regular weed i think that's one thing but like i don't know man i kind of want to know what's like in weed nowadays because it's like yeah i'm not going to dispensaries either where it's yeah nobody really knows man you know but it's like i don't know man if you don't know what's in it it's kind of like, what the fuck? Maybe the next time I do this podcast, I'll have been off weed for a while. Maybe. We'll see.

And I'm like a way different guy. You could be like way more. I'm like gay now. You're like jerking dudes off. Turns out the Seabrooks. Now I go in there, I'm looking at guys. Coughing it up. Yeah.

But you're like addicted though to weed for sure yeah yeah yeah like it's weird man like i remember when we were in high school and shit just getting high all the time people were like weed's bad for you like it's addictive and we were like shut up Like, you're not fucking right. And now, like, everyone's addicted. Yeah, well, yeah, right. Actually, that's such a same thing, dude. We smoked and my buddies, the ones that are firefighters, they're twins. And I love them to death. But the first time I saw them in, like, seventh grade, we were all at a bonfire in the woods.

Yeah. And did you see that? Like, woods bonfire. And we'd all, like, go there and, like, drink a chip. But they saw me smoking weed. And they were like, like this before we were friends. Like, all go there and drink a shit. They saw me smoking weed and they were like, this is before we were friends. That kid's a scumbag. I was wearing bandanas and shit

because I was hanging out with kids that are dead now from heroin. But then they smoke weed now all the time. But yeah, I don't know. I forgot what I was going to say. Smoking weed. That's why you got stop man yeah i know well no honestly dude like and yeah i just do it and like i don't even i get tired and i'm like yeah i don't know man if i'm being honest i used to do it and like uh i would have to have like specific requirements met so

like i would be in a car with my friend right and i would be like dude let's just listen to classic rock take a few bong hits like fishbowl my truck and just like play the what if game yeah and that was the shit man like we would cry laughing and stuff yeah but then my friend was like dude you gotta like explore the outer world man you know and would be like, let's go to the library. Let's do all these other things. And I would just be like so clumsy, dude, like in person and shit. Like, dude, he took me to the library, like the public library. That is a weird place to go.

Yeah, dude. And I like dressed up, dude. Like we dressed up and shit. And we got so high in the parking lot, bro. And I like stepped out of the car like high as tits yeah and now you're like i don't even want to go in right dude i'm so scared to go inside yeah dude so we walk in and sit down at this table and we see a girl that we know like from our high school was like super hot yeah and then all of a sudden i'm like dude it smells like

fucking shit like dude i was like yo man am i wicked high right now or does it like smell like shit and he's like bro did you rip ass and i was like no dude dude then i looked down bro i stepped in like i stepped in dog shit oh and i'm like in the library dude like i'm like walking over the carpet dude like you can see it on the car no dude i had to go outside and like put snow on it and like try to clean up and stuff and like i went back in the library dude and it still smelled bad and i was like trying to study for accounting and i'm like bro i don't think i can do this man yeah and he was like my friend would always be like dude it's your mindset bro like you gotta fucking yeah you can do it and

then i would do like one problem and be like yo yeah yeah it's been like two hours yeah um yeah but like yeah i guess that's that's just interesting it's funny to me how like we the same thing dude you get super high and like for some reason you're scared to go into a library like the most mundane of things we used to go to the freehold mall we'd get super high and like the only thing that sucked about like you is seeing people you know like that's the hard part of being high there but other than that it would be like awesome like we'd smoke a blunt and those were the days where weed was fun like you're scared to do it you're scared to get caught i will say dude mother nature when you're high is yeah different level well that's i think that's when i when i

try quitting that's kind of what i get upset about is like oh am i never gonna like go to a mountain and get high like yeah because when i'm high on a mountain i'm like wow this is so beautiful and i never would have like stopped to think about it to this extent if i wasn't high really i think i'll still be like wow this is pretty all right cool but like if I'm high I'm like floating through time and space I just like did it for other people man you did it for other people yeah cause like I don't know

my buddy was just like dude like there's nothing better than like when we get high and just like laugh our asses off and I was like yeah that's how you feel man cause I'm like making him laugh I see like we're getting high together and he's like yeah that's how you feel man really I'm like making him laugh I see you know like we're getting high together and he's like crying laughing because I'm just saying retarded shit like the dumbest thing like shit you could ever think about like playing the what if game and

stuff did it ever make you more funny or creative in your own mind no we were just high yeah you know yeah that's true I mean I probably said some funny shit but like i think george carlin said he wrote sober edited high which in the past i get because it kind of makes me feel like i'm like a different person for a little while i'm like oh that doesn't feel but it's probably i'm just like finding excuses to still do it i'm like like, George Carlin did it, so. Yeah, yeah. Meanwhile, I'm fucking playing PS5. Have you ever seen, like, comics nowadays who are sober? A couple. Wait.

Like, maybe. Yeah. Have you? Being sober is kind of gay now, but a lot of comics are doing it, dude, and they're shredding it, man. Maybe I should fucking do that shit, dude. Yeah. I don't drink, really. Well, I think it's cool to

experience both sides right so like i've experienced the dark side you know like the drunk side and the high side now i'm on the on the sober side but it's just funny man like you get called gay and shit for being sober or whatever but i think if you've experienced it you kind of know like both if you know both sides know both sides, you, like, already know, like, I've already lived it, you know what I mean? Yeah. So, like, comics now, like, get sober, and then they're like, wow, man, I'm so, like, clear-minded, like, I'm doing, it's so much easier to write and, like, perform. And they're, like, just coming to the realization, like, now, dude. Fuck.

They're, like, mid-30s. I'm like, dude, what are you, like... Maybe I should be doing that yeah i remember when i was in high school me and my best friend like uh it was like right around when we first started getting high and his cousin would be high all the time and i remember verbatim we like said something to the extent of like oh like he gets high all the time that's his new like that's his regular reality for us it's like we get to like experience this crazy you know perception of life and then we and it's like unique and we get to go back but for him it's just now it's the new normal it's not really novel of an experience and we were like yeah

we'll never fucking smoke like that and yeah my friend does not but i i do yeah man i mean like dude i'm trying to think of like when i think i got sober because i was like with a chick and i was like was it like a house of pizza dude and she was like do you want a beer and i was like yeah so i get a beer and then i'm like damn dude if i didn't have this beer like i don't think i could have fun right now and it kind of hit me i was like damn dude like just like i'm relying heavily on this beer you know and it just kind of like happened dude and i was like damn dude like this is gonna suck like i'm not gonna laugh at anything like i'm gonna be serious all the time but dude once i hit like a month or two months dude i started like randomly laughing at everything dude really like because your mind is so clear

and you see things and you're just like dude that's so fucking funny okay at least for me man you know no i i believe it dude i remember in high school like uh like imagine like you know how like when you get drunk dude the next few days you're just like nothing's gonna make me laugh yeah you're just like dude what the fuck on uh last week it was like my birthday and we drank and i mistakenly i took a little adderall before i went out which doesn't make you feel drunk i guess like it lessens how drunk you feel so i because i literally went home 3 a.m i was like oh i feel like kind of sober like i'm drunk but not like crazy woke up like i could not

all i slept on and off till 8 p.m it ruined my entire day ruined the next day so it's tough man because everyone does it so it's like i don't even know man but like uh i don't know man i feel like maybe you should get like a uh you could probably get like a weed card now to like a dispensary well that's just gonna make my problem worse yeah but do you think the weed might be more like uh more natural um i don't i don't know i just think my problem is i smoke all day and then by the time it becomes nighttime my personality is shredded and i am just uh like a shell of a man yeah and i don't think that is real weed or fake weed or anything like that i think that is just i am i don't know what it is yeah damn what do you think would make

you like uh go like a month with like nothing dude just raw dogging it just like manning up willpower you think you'd go like cold turkey dude um i think i have the ability yeah i don't know what i feel like you're a pretty competitive dude so i feel like the challenge would be kind of like maybe yeah well i told myself i threw my vape away today and a weed one yeah and i told myself like why not just try no member out like why not just yeah so we'll see i think it's possible yeah Yeah, because you have like that mindset, dude, where you just like hop into something, you know, let it rip. Yeah. Yeah. How did Skankfest go, dude?

That was fun. I mean, I got sick, like just like a cold. So that kind of blew. And then I'm also like in the midst of this job, which Thursday, Friday, I was like, yeah, I'm going to work, you know, and I didn't really do anything. And so, like, all weekend I kind of was, like, worried about the job. I was like, I should do something for the job tomorrow. And then that, you know, so I was, like, kind of worried about that. But besides that, Skank Fest itself was cool.

I, like, did jujitsu with Luis Gomez, which was great. That's what I saw, dude. That was cool. So you had never done it before? I've wrestled, and I did, like, a class of jujitsu once. So walk me through this what happened dude um we get in the for i didn't know who i was going to be doing jujitsu against it was i was told it was this one black guy with a purple belt and he was like jacked yeah he's like

we're gonna have fun he came up to me he's like i think we're going together i was like okay he's like we're gonna have fun bro and i was like okay and then uh lewis up being like, right as the matches were starting, he was like, yo, it's going to be us. And I was like, okay. And I think he chose me maybe because I was the weakest link probably. Yeah. And I get in the ring, and they fucking play music for Lewis. He runs in, runs around the circle, throws water in my face,

and that was kind of a dick move. Yeah. And then the match begins. You got fired up? No, I was more just like, alright. I was more embarrassed or just kind of like in my mind I'm like, what would a cowboy do? What would like a

fucking badass do? How many people are watching? Less for jiu-jitsu than for the boxing match that i had done but still a good amount all right and you know it started and then like basically on your feet it feels like wrestling which i've done so i ended up i ended up uh doing like an under what's it called uh you go under their arm uh fucking not a russian there's like a duck under.

And I got his back and I took him to the ground. I was like on his back. And I'm literally in my mind, I'm like, I should not be doing this well. And then somehow he ended up standing up. I fell at some point. He put me in an arm bar. I escaped the arm bar and we ended up on our feet. And it was cool.

Like Big Jay was like commentating. And he had said at one point he was like oh this is lewis's worst fear getting beat up by like a white belt in front of like everybody and stuff yeah but two of three judges picked uh lewis to win and it came down to decision it did oh shit i thought i was gonna get choked out i'm like i didn't i've never done jujitsu i should be tapped out at the very least But now came the decision He won And I think I walked

That was the best possible scenario And then Sienna was there And she was Like I was throwing up in the garbage can Just from like exhaustion It happened in the boxing event too For some reason Like I was so tired

I was throwing up But she was like rubbing my back As I was throwing up And in my mind I'm like this is so cool This is like a warrior Like a woman is helping me as I... That's fucking sick, dude.

It's like you came back from war, dude. Exactly. Except it was in a robe. Fuck yeah, dude. That's fucking sick, dude. That's the coolest part. The comedy was fun. I did three sets. The last one was good, but it was in a room of like... It was like 40 people. It was fun. But truly,

every time I've done that with twice the boxing and then now this i'm like should i be a fight like should i just should i just change career choices and be like a fighter yeah but no why don't you get into like the jujitsu thing dude if it feels so good afterwards dude mostly because it was like the wrestling like i think the actual jujitsu seems kind of boring to me, but I could be. Really? You think if you joined a gym, you'd be kind of like gayed out? I don't know.

Maybe I'll try. Same thing with wrestling. It's like the drilling part, though it's necessary. Like you have to like just go through the motions to like learn it. It's so boring to me. I just like doing it. I just like when they're like, all right, we're going to go live. And you're just like wrestling a guy.

Yeah. That feeling afterwards though. Yeah. I remember having that when I played rugby doing it. I just like when they're like, all right, we're going to go live. And you're just like wrestling a guy. Yeah. That feeling afterwards though. Yeah. I remember having that when I played rugby, dude. You just feel like you just came back from war, dude. Yeah. You know? Rugby's like, isn't that like a more intense football?

Yeah. But after the matches, dude, you're just like so tired. Yeah. But you like, you're kind of like at peace. Yeah. Because like, I don't know how to explain it, man. You're almost like high. We're built to go to war.

Yeah, dude. But you're just like, you're not, you don't fear anything because you're like so exhausted. Yeah. You know, like you've just like been through like a battle, dude. Yeah. I miss that feeling so much. Where did you play rugby? Just in college.

Oh. But yeah, there were some games, man, where like i would be so tired that i would just be like i think i'm gonna die man you know you think those guys that play uh quidditch like you know how there's quidditch in colleges from harry potter yeah but there's like uh there's like a real life quidditch i think one of the colleges i went to they had that yeah you think those guys feel that that piece i think so dude you think so after like a big w yeah yeah i think it just might just be getting hit like uh well like when you're wrestling dude like because like you're like going 100 and like your body can only do that for like what like

three minutes yeah so it's like after that you're just just like, dude, I have nothing left. Yeah. You know, I think that's what the feeling is. You think you'd do well in war? No. I wouldn't go to war, dude. Like if you were forced to be in the front line, like would you like? I'd probably just do something fucking stupid, dude. Just throw like a frag like at my own enemy, like at my own team. I've like thought about, I'd probably like shoot myself on the foot and be like, I don't know. Somebody got me. No, like dude, if we were in the same like barracks, I'd probably like meet a guy like you and be like, do you want to just like get kicked out?

Yeah. Well, I'll shoot you if you shoot me. Yeah. Just start blind firing at like three in the morning. We're still in training camp. I don't know the enemy. Because if you're mentally unfit, dude, they're just like, all right just like alright like you know maybe they would put us in the front lines but I would take that as a challenge

damn but yeah dude thank you for coming man we got a little therapeutic always dude but I enjoy that I hope you said I was sad on the last one I hope I wasn't too sad on this one

I don't know maybe it was the last. I hope you said I was sad on the last one. I hope I wasn't too sad on this one. I don't know. Maybe it was the last one. No, you said you were tired, dude. I wasn't tired today. I am sad, though. I think you were retired from your job, dude. That's what you said. Did I say that?

Did I say it on the pod? No, it was before the pod, dude. All right. Yeah. You know also why is I might pre like too close to the pod and that just that also makes me tired i didn't smoke today though yeah and i felt i felt good shit man yeah i think you go like 30 days sober man that'd be sick all right november i'm gonna come back on in december i'm inviting myself to come back on in December. One month sober.

Let's see how it comes. Yeah, you're just like so angry. Completely different person. Chill, man. You're like, yeah, I just love roast beef. I'm like, what about fucking roast beef? Your dog pissed me off before. Barking at me because I had a hat on.

Yeah, your dog's crazy. I think you'd be like super zen, dude. It's possible. Yeah. That'd be like super zen dude it's possible yeah that'd be sick man um do you have anything coming up dude for the for the people um no you don't have any shows or anything um do i no actually i had like a fucking awesome like week of new york comedy festival shows that i had to turn down because i'll be at like a fucking event for work so that sucks a lot but yeah uh that already started the festival uh starts sometime november oh yeah it's picked

for comedians to watch like the festival though dude well they didn't put you on the poster though because you turned it down yeah i know everybody said i should have said yes and then just bailed the last minute just for the poster man i know i don't know what i i could have got the credit but i had to try and be a good guy because i was worried that i would burn a bridge whatever dude got next year whatever yeah plus like you know you made it man yeah i guess that's something yeah apparently the audience is like the point is to like invite industry big wigs and suits i don't know dude it's all gay man yeah it doesn't matter yeah i'll show up anyway yeah all that

shit's gay man grab a guy by his tie yeah you were for cia all that shit's gay man grab a guy by his tie yeah you were for caa fucking hire me bro yeah the comp the competitions and like the industry is just like it doesn't matter i mean even when you get on those by the way yeah then you get sent in a group chat of 32 comedians and they're like can you believe this person's on the line so i'm better off just i'd rather fail dude yeah so i don't need to be yeah no no that's way that's a better route dude just fucking fail you got any shows coming up nah dude i uh nothing really man yeah i'm not in uh i'm not in new york comedy festival but something i'll use that as fucking motivation, dude. I didn't realize Fred Flintstone wore a tie.

Yeah, dude. Pretty neat. But yeah, dude, that's good, man. Probably, dude. Yeah, man, I don't have any shows, man. But dude, it was good to see you, man. Good to see you. Thank you guys for listening.

I'll play Call of Duty with you eventually. Trust me. Maybe once I'm sober. Yeah, maybe like Black O ops uh did you get it yet not yet dude me neither some of my boys have been hitting me up though dude they're like you should get it but is it good that's what they're telling me man um yeah man i got no shows coming up but thank you guys for listening man if you guys could like subscribe i would appreciate it and uh thank you guys