The Johnny Salami Podcast - Shameel
Episode Date: May 9, 2022Shameel by The Johnny Salami Podcast...
Transcript
Discussion (0)
You want to say something random to that?
Yeah.
Yeah, how do you feel about that?
Yeah.
Do you need anything, bro?
You good with that water, bro?
I'm good.
Let's run up. bro you with that water bro okay this is not
yeah this is the setup though man how do you how do you feel right now yeah it looks good you feel like a good vibe right now yeah yes it feels really feels right yeah dude
it's a little loud but a little loud yeah in here like that no i'm fucking around
it's nice i like i like to do this setup here it's efficient
i think it's i think it's going is it
i don't know like we haven't started yet but i don't fucking it's going. Is it? We haven't started yet, but it's working, dude.
Oh.
Damn, dude.
Can't believe you and J-Dog are boys, dude.
Wild, man.
He says a lot of good things about you, dude.
He's very sweet.
How does that make you feel, man?
You ever get emotional?
Oh, all the time?
Yeah. Yeah, regularly no he's he's absolutely
one of my best friends for sure dude yeah kind of jelly man yeah yeah dude like he was he was
talking you up dude almost in like a gay way like dude he didn't even say no homo he just
he just went that's ideal yeah dude that's what you want man it is that's why i was
jealous dude i was like i want i want someone to talk you know it takes time yeah i'm gonna i'm
gonna be patient but was it was the drive bad you good no i was actually so happy because it was
like it's like a 45 minute drive i'm like okay that's good oh that's not bad dude no it's awesome bro straight up highway dude yeah yeah that's how i feel when i come home from
work some days dude i'm just going like 90 just not even thinking i always dude i always imagine
like because i'm always in like the high speed lane like i just imagine if i hit one of those
rails oh dude i don't even know what the hoV is, bro. What does that stand for?
Something occupancy, high occupancy vehicle
or something like that.
So that's like need for speed shit?
Yeah, yeah.
I think you actually only need two people in the vehicle.
Oh, shit.
To be...
Damn, dude.
I thought you needed like a membership for that, dude.
It'd actually be funny if you just, I'm sure someone just strapped, like, a blow doll.
It'd be funny if someone just stopped right at the entrance.
Like, wait for someone.
Yeah, dude.
I, like, when I moved here, I saw and like i was like i should probably google you know
what that stands for yeah because i'm driving by it every day but i just haven't had the time
yeah you know it must be like involve a lot of research i think so hov lane yeah bro uh wait
where are you from i'm from carmel and dude yeah i just moved here man so oh you did yeah dude
i used to see you in Rhode Island sometimes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I think I first saw you at a pub.
Probably not now.
A few years ago.
Yeah.
Maybe when I was like fucking 12.
Pub on Park?
Yeah.
I've seen you there.
Really?
Yeah.
Maybe two years ago.
Damn, dude.
I feel.
Yeah.
Yeah, whatever you think, man.
Like whatever's up there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's all about the, you know. You were sitting down? For sure, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no way I was standing up. Yeah. Yeah, whatever you think, man. Like, whatever's up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all about the, you know.
You were sitting down?
For sure, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's no way I was standing up.
No.
You're a stool boy.
Yeah, for sure, man.
I'm always sitting down, dude.
At three minutes set, let's sit down.
Yeah, tight three, bro.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The tightest of threes.
It's like 298.
That doesn't make sense.
It's not 98 seconds in a minute, dude.
So, yeah, bro. i'm always dude am i
fucking you ever feel like you need to work on your posture oh yeah i have a horrific posture
right now bro my fucking neck is killing me dude tomorrow yeah yeah oh no yeah i've uh that's like
the the oldest man i feel like nothing will make you feel older than like your back and your neck
oh for sure just like waking up.
Yeah.
I was just thinking about how big my head is too.
Like, dude, when I go into like a Target or something and I'm trying something on, they
have like the four way mirrors and you just, dude, I just see the side of my head and I'm
like, holy shit.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
You don't really.
Huge.
So like all that weight, dude, when I'm looking down, it's like 50 pounds, dude.
Especially like, yeah. Isn't that like I'm looking down, it's like 50 pounds, dude. Especially, like, yeah, yeah.
Isn't that, like, a thing, looking down at your phone?
It's a condition, like, people are having.
I don't know if it's a condition.
I think it's just, like, you know, toxic.
Toxic?
Yeah.
Head weight?
For sure, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have a small head.
It doesn't.
This is light.
Yeah, they say you can't reverse it either.
You know?
They're like, dude, if you're sitting all day, you can't reverse that shit with one gym session.
You know?
You can't reverse it with standing?
I don't know, man.
I wish I knew the answer to that.
They were just like, if you're going to fucking sit down all day and look at your computer, you're fucked.
Oh, yeah, for sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, dude, honestly, I bought, like, an artificial turf mat, dude.
I was just going to stretch every night for, like, two hours, dude.
Just two hours of stretching.
Just fuck, come down here, dude.
You see that subwoofer over there, dude?
Dude, that's a big subwoofer.
Dude, just put on fucking Avril Lavigne, dude, and just get out of here, man.
Yeah, I'm a fan. I'm fucking Avril Lavigne dude And just get out of here man Yeah I'm a fan
I'm a Avril fan
Yeah bro
If I could listen to that
For two hours dude
And just like
Really stretch out
Like really loosen up
I feel like
Dude the next day
Nobody would even
Touch me dude
Skater boy
Or complicated
On the first album
Definitely complicated dude
Okay Skater boy would be like The finisher Like I would come That's how I would finish Complicated on the first album? Definitely complicated, dude. Okay.
Skater Boy would be like the finisher.
Like I would come.
That's how I would finish the session.
For sure, man.
On your back?
I don't know.
Either like on my back or my side.
You just roll over?
I don't even know if I would roll over, dude.
I would want to be like still.
I would have to really like focus.
Be like in the moment. Eyes wide wide shot dude i really really fucking feel it
dude i'm from rhode island man rhode island yeah bro how about you new york you were born in new
york fuck yeah dude yeah like what i mean new New York's pretty big I was born New York City as
lived in the Bronx
For for a little bit in an elementary school. I moved to
West
Dutchess County so it's like
Like an hour and a half northeast of New York City. It's like closest things like Poughkeepsie. Did you move a lot?
No, no, no, I was raised in new york and then at like 17 i moved away shit dude yeah then what
was it like like growing up in new york man um well like i'm from like i was born in this city
but i was mostly raised in uh duchess county which is just like pretty rural really yeah yeah dude you look like
a fucking you look like a a retired gangbanger dude yeah of course like for sure man yeah you
give off that like if you looked me in the face and you were like dude i i could pop off right
now is it the purple hoodie no just you just give not even your physical appearance, dude. It's just like your fucking, your vibe, dude.
Like the energy that's traveling from you to me right now.
I can feel it, dude.
Dude, that's why I put the corduroy jacket.
Dude, that shit's fresh, man.
Thank you.
I was looking up some of those at, I was looking up corduroy jackets on Walmart.
They didn't have anything.
But if you find one for me, like i got this one but it ripped
i've had this for like seven years dude it's a nice bomber yeah i wear this like every day dude
it's good even in the summer dude yeah yeah i go for runs in this shit dude
yeah does it motivate you is it just a is it a safety blanket it's definitely a safety blanket
like i don't want anyone to know that but yeah do you put do you have a side pocket yeah dude i don't like what jackets don't have inside pockets
for sure man dude if i put my wallet in there it's like how are you gonna rob me yeah okay that's
where i because i'm uh i'm uh for a long time i was like actually first a front pocket guy
then i went to the back pocket but now i'm full side you went
back pocket uh yeah which is really silly like i was i'm such a paranoid person uh i don't know
why i would do that oh for sure dude but especially the amount of sitting i do dude yeah if i put
anything like fragile back there yeah yeah that'd be tough i would kind of like it though dude
probably messes up your posture as well oh for sure dude That'll like tilt your pelvis a little bit
You're just always leaning to the left
Like a fucking pussy
I guess it depends
Yeah I was a right
A right back pocket guy
Oh shit
You right dominant or left dominant?
Right
Damn dude if you did left
That would be even more risky
Yeah
Just wouldn't feel right dude
Every time you reach back there
You're like fuck dude This isn't even my dominant every time you reach back there you're like fuck dude
this isn't even my dominant hand or you could think the opposite way like it might feel better
it's like you know some dudes who are like right hand dominant like they'll jerk off with their
left hand yeah just to like mix it up a little bit i've done it before like when my like i've
if my hand was injured yeah or something yeah not a fan really yeah i mean either dude i couldn't i
couldn't focus yeah it didn't feel right it's just because like so like it's just muscle memory at
this point yeah you know dude you ever like jerk off with like your hand uh when it like falls
asleep no dude recommend oh dude it's insane you just got to keep your hand asleep for like long
enough which is impossible yeah that's what like gets you gotta keep your hand asleep for like long enough, which is impossible.
Yeah. That's what like gets you going. Yeah. It's just like a challenge. How do you, do you just
sleep on it? I think it just happens naturally. I think it's probably just like diabetes or
something. Yeah. Try it out though, dude. You might have to mix it up a little bit, dude. Cause
you look like you have like solid blood flow and shit.
Yeah, I feel like I like the idea that your hand feels tingly
for an extended period of time and never consider going to the doctor.
He's like, I'm going to jerk off first.
That's what I'm doing.
It's never even crossed my mind.
We need a physician for this.
Dude, like, if it continues
to happen,
and I just go out with a bang, dude.
I hope that's the first
response to anything going on with your body.
Like, you know what, I'm going to jerk off first.
I'm pretty sure that's an ear infection.
I'm going to jerk off.
I'm going to jerk off first, dude.
It's always that thought. You you always gotta check the scene first dude
you know
check what what scene
I don't know
that's what I learned in CPR dude
oh
you ever do that
with the dolls dude
in PE
yeah
that shit was hilarious bro
they have like the fake dolls and shit
yeah
the first step was to check the scene and you
had to yell that you were checking i don't remember that that's so funny i don't know if our teacher
was as high as fuck yeah he let them check the scene he was probably reading off like a piece
of paper that said check the scene he was like no you have to yell it. So people just had these fake dolls, and they were like, I'm checking the seat.
Then you just fucking make out with that thing, dude.
Yeah.
Imagine that real life, dude.
Just a little tongue?
You're like a fucking hotel pool, dude.
Some chick's fucking, some fatty's like.
Some fatty fucking drowns.
He has to do CPR.
Everyone's like, hurry up.
You're like, I'm checking the scene.
You get distracted by the scene.
This is actually a really beautiful view.
I would call my PE teacher, dude,
and be like, fucking walk me through this.
Just having him on speed dial.
He's like 30 deep.
Just like screaming at ESPN, dude.
That's fucking dope, man.
Do you ever miss home?
Not really. that's fucking dope man you ever miss like home like you ever um not really actually i i went i drove home uh i think last summer uh for the first time in like i don't know maybe like a
decade or something yeah because once i left i just never came back um for the most part and uh yeah it was i don't miss it like it it's um it's a really like
beautiful place just like nice nate the nature's beautiful but that's about it like there's not
there's nothing to do there you a big nature guy dude oh yeah yeah man yeah trees are nice bro
it's that time of year man man. Yeah. You know,
like,
dude,
that's why I'm a morning person,
bro.
You know,
you just go out there,
dude.
You ever smell like Scott's turf grow,
dude.
No.
Just get like a quarter chub.
No,
no,
no. What's Scott's turf?
Scott's turf grow.
Yeah.
It's like grass,
you know,
like grass seed.
Oh,
yeah.
It's like number one on the charts.
Oh,
yeah.
Yeah,
bro.
If you plant that
dude you think you would like you think you'd feel powerful dude like if you were like high
as shit just like planting grass seed like scott's turf grow oh yeah yeah scott's turf
just like scott was so proud of his shit he's like i'm fucking i'm gonna be number one dude
scott was high as fuck when he created that shit man i mean how hard can it be to create like
yeah yeah he's just like i crushed the toilet paper game now we're doing this yeah and like
dude even if you lay down grassy like there's so much more to it than that so like if somebody
fucks it up and they complain it's like you fuck this up not me
is that is that like something that you look forward to in the future for sure being a
homeowner yeah dude i don't want to be whipped though i want to be like independent yeah you
feel me yeah like i want to be my own independent person but like have like a two-door garage
you feel me yeah maybe have like a john deere in there and shit, dude. You know? Yeah. Like when I start that shit up, dude, I just want to like ride around on it.
Classic green.
I want to listen to Small Town by John Mellencamp, dude, and just drink like a fucking espresso shot.
Oh, I like the espresso.
With a small plate.
Yeah, for sure, man.
Yeah.
I just picture you just watering
i don't know man i wouldn't be like a passive waterer i would either hire like a like a power
washing company or just get like my own power washer dude you just destroy your lawn every time
dude one time i worked uh i used to work construction in the summers when I was in college.
And I worked for my friend's dad.
That's like my actual nightmare.
Really?
So many of my friends work construction.
It's just I don't have the physique for it.
Oh, dude.
It just makes me sad.
Half the dudes you see on a construction site are, like, borderline retarded.
And on opioids.
Yeah.
Like, some of them are really good at the job.
Yeah.
But there's others who just, like, needed a job.
And their friends are like, all right, dude.
Yeah, that's always.
They're always hiring.
They're never not hiring.
It's, like, one guy who one guy who knows what he's doing,
and then he hires his buddy because they were all state.
They want to stay in the championship together.
And he's just like, I owe you, dude.
That tackle you made saved the game, dude, so I'll hook you up, bro.
They're still wearing their rings to reunions.
Did you ever get a high school ring ring no dude i think that's like the
funniest thing to still wear for sure man yeah yeah yeah those kids who wore those
no words dude you know what i'm saying like if you wore that dude i won a football state
championship dude we got rings never won it once like you won you won a ring yeah but i've
never won the ring i just i don't even know where it is right now i might have it at home maybe but
it's one of the downsides to being homeschooled yeah you probably don't get a ring oh dude that's
all yeah i can't even imagine man yeah i mean we had we had a comic on who was homeschooled, and he was, you know, he was hilarious.
Yeah.
It doesn't sound, like, exciting.
Yeah.
You know, regardless of, like, how lonely you are, dude, like, think about how much you would miss out on, dude.
Yeah, you need that.
I think you need to be able to talk to people.
Especially as a comic dude.
Yeah, yeah.
Holy shit, man.
You need to, like, think about this dude like you ever think about like
comedy like when you're telling jokes like if your life's going really well it's kind of hard
to write a good joke you know i i disagree with that really no i just wanted to be a contrarian
uh no i i don't know. I feel like...
You think stress is good in some ways?
Sure.
Yeah, I mean, I guess anything happening in my life,
at least if it sucks,
I'm just like, maybe there's a bit here.
Maybe there's something fun.
I don't know.
I like bringing light to negative shit.
Not negative shit, but shit you didn't want to happen. This is really unfortunate, but you can make a like, negative shit. Yeah. Not, like, negative shit, but, like, shit you didn't want to happen.
This is really unfortunate, but you can make a joke out of it.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah, I always like looking at things I don't like or things that suck in a positive way.
I don't know.
And I think usually there's something funny.
For sure, dude.
I have no examples, so.
Yeah.
Me neither, dude.
I can't even fucking.
It would take me like
30 minutes just to like even think about one thing bro honestly man dude you ever just think
about shit and just forget oh yeah like actually that's one of uh the biggest things like i write
every single day and i write the dumbest thoughts i make sure i write down immediately because i
forget them instantly
yeah for sure man i'm an idiot 99 of it is just it's garbage but yeah that's i mean yeah i just
write down ideas but if i think of something i'm like oh shit like i think that's funny i'll write
down the idea in my phone and then like the next day I'll go back and be like, it's so fucking stupid.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's so fucking stupid.
Yeah.
I'm just, like, way too caffeinated at the time.
Oh.
That's, like, the majority of them.
Like, the dumb ideas.
Too much caffeine.
Just too much caffeine.
Like, oh, this will be funny, dude.
Dude, I love caffeine, but I'm such a, like, if I have too much coffee, I just become so irritable.
Oh, really?
I'm a prick.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Damn, dude. I don't even, I don't know. You't know you need like a good you know the amount you need yeah for sure dude really it's just like uh like an espresso or i should probably stop at like one
cup of coffee or something like that you know bro but it's good it's so good there's a 90 chance i
die of like a caffeine overdose yeah for sure man i just got
a nespresso dude oh yo that's what i have it's one of the i got it last year it's the best thing
oh for sure i don't know how to use it but i'm trying just yeah no it's tough because like they
come in different sizes dude so did you have the uh the the round one like the cups yeah yeah dude
i got the cups that came with it yeah and they're all different
sizes oh yeah yeah they were like yo you just hold down the button until you want that shit to stop
but i'm like what kind of one do you want i just press a button yeah there's different like sizes
though right yeah yeah yeah there's like uh what do you roll with you roll with like i'm a double
espresso so it's like kind of small yeah you roll with? You roll with like... I'm going to double espresso. So it's like kind of small?
Yeah.
Yeah, because you could do a coffee... Like seven ounces?
I don't know how many ounces is a double of espresso.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Definitely the smallest, right?
No, because that would be a single, I mean, I would think.
Well, I think it's like...
I was looking at the packet, dude.
Yeah.
And it's like double, single, and then just like regular coffee.
Yeah, yeah, they have that.
Yeah. Dude, you know what we should do, do dude is like mix the regular coffee with a double i've done it
before you know i've done i've done a a decaf they have decaf one and then a shot of espresso
double shot on top of it just to stretch it out dude you're just fucking changing the universe
hell yeah dude the platonic plates just fucking shifted. Holy shit.
Damn, dude.
Where do you get your pods from?
Online, unfortunately.
Really, dude?
Dude, I can't find them anywhere.
You ever go to Walmart?
They don't have them at Walmart, do they?
I was going to check today, honestly.
I don't think they do because everywhere is...
What the fuck's the other one?
I think it's just like...
Keurig?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I think, yeah.
You can find them at Target in limited quantity, I think.
They're probably fucking overpriced as shit.
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
They're like the Starbucks one.
It's fucking communist.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, dude.
I just want to buy in bulk, man.
You know?
Like, the whole reason I got it was to save money.
The Red Scare was about overpriced coffee pods.
Yeah. For sure. That should be on, like, the sure that should be on like the news bro like left or right the coffee's overpriced to shit right now what are we gonna do about it is it yeah i wonder if that is it
currently what are the coffee prices do they go up and down like gas i don't think china's making
much right now do they grow coffee somewhere in China?
I mean, I would assume so, yeah, for sure.
I would hope so.
I mean, they don't really, I don't think they have that many fields.
I think coffee's, like, specifically, like, Colombian, like, South American countries.
Yeah, yeah, I mean, I think of.
Peru.
Fucking.
Colombia.
I mean, I know Colombian coffee's fucking tight, bro.
That shit'll fucking.
Yeah. columbia i mean i know columbian coffee is fucking tight bro that shit'll fucking yeah isn't it i feel like columbian coffee that's sort of the the the default i see really i feel like that or i see that i used to i used to get coffee from uh
cumberland farms dude yeah they would have this columbian dark roast bro it would it would get
me fucking wired but i would shit like yeah dude like that's the thing i
coffee keeps me so regular yeah it's just like i know i'm gonna drink this and it's just like a
timer that's it it's every morning at the same time a hundred percent dude i took especially
in comedy bro yeah taking at least three shits before i go on stage because like dude at night shows i'll show up with a coffee like
first thing i do when i walk in is just take a shit i'm like where's the b room at yeah yeah
and they're like that's how you set the tone yeah people like dude you're really drinking a coffee
right now i'm like dude i gotta get in my zone you know dude so i'll pop
off but then i get nervous again and i just i don't even know where the shit comes from dude
no usually night coffees don't trigger shits though really yeah or not as much yeah it's
definitely a more of a morning thing because i'll have a coffee at like before it might get
like a skew yeah i usually have a coffee you should you shit
there uh no i've never i've never took a shit there dude have you ever taken a shit at uh
the wickenden pub
uh no but wait if i recall that bathroom is so tiny.
So they, they used to have a mic there.
Yeah. Yeah.
I remember Wednesdays.
So I showed up one day after school and there's like these two hot chicks right next to the
bathroom.
Yeah.
And the bathroom is literally just two like swinging wooden doors and you can see through
it.
You can literally see someone taking a shit in there.
Oh my God. And I was like, was like dude i gotta pop off right now so i went in there yeah popped off dude like massive
shit and when i came out you like the girls could just smell it and like they knew too
like they knew they saw me walk in they saw me walk out. There's the alpha. And, bro, when I went up on stage, the first thing I said was, I was like, I just fucking ruined that bathroom.
And I was like, these chicks are going to laugh their asses off.
And they were just like, we're out of here.
You walk them?
I like how your shit didn't walk them.
Dude, you just got to be confident about it.
You got to be confident if you want to walk a room.
I'd rather do that versus not shitting.
Dude, so I was in Europe for the last two months.
And that's one thing I love about Europe.
They have great public restrooms.
They're like private.
Like bidets?
No, I didn't see any bidets, surprisingly.
But that reminded me. I went to this one bar
in the UK and I'm like
I really have to shit
and it was the smallest
toilet
like I actually
didn't need to shit
when I was like I can't
shit here I literally closed the door
and there was no space to like to sit
down they don't want you to shit obviously I don't shit here. I literally closed the door, and there was no space to, like, to sit down.
They don't want you to shit, obviously.
I don't think.
I think that was.
That was like the, yeah.
Yeah.
So you just didn't shit?
But, yeah, I didn't shit at that place.
But the privacy is really nice, typically.
Like, you know, why do we have, like, giant gaps at the bottom of all our baths?
They don't have that oh like the bottoms
yeah no it's like you close the door you're in a little room that must get hot yeah yeah it does
you're just you're just embracing the stench yeah yeah that must get fucking stinky dude
i'm sure yeah i don't know the science behind it,
but I'm sure they have fucking vents in American bathrooms.
I'm sure if you look at the ceiling,
there would be some sort of vent.
If there's not, then it's just shit just condensed over time.
You know what I don't like?
You know those bathrooms you turn on the light
and it immediately triggers the fan? I don't like? You know those bathrooms you turn on the light and it immediately triggers the fan?
Yeah.
I don't like that.
Yeah, I mean, I don't like that.
I want control.
Yeah, dude.
I want fan control.
I want it spelled out, too.
Mm-hmm.
Like, with words and in Braille.
Oh, yeah.
Like, this is fan?
This is the light?
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
All capital letters, too.
It'd be funny if they have Braille on the fucking...
What the hell?
What the hell is a toilet flusher?
Yeah.
Handle?
Just to feel it out, bro.
Yeah.
It just says toilet handle.
It's in metal, metal braille some dude came in with a fucking saw it's like a 10-year job it's like funded with taxpayer money
they're in like some big swing and dick meeting like how we do it with that braille braille toilets they get like a tax write-off like like solar panels or something if you buy
one more year jeff
we need to raise the tax rate by 10 but we fucking we'll get there dude it'll be wild dude but dude you uh so like you make your own music yeah is that how you and j
dog met um no we met through comedy yeah um like almost three years ago now. Oh, dude. But yeah, I mean, that's definitely a thing that we connected over a whole lot.
For sure, man.
We pretty much, we have a whole project that's been done for the last few months.
But it just needs to be like sequenced.
Can you tell me about it, dude?
Or is it like secret?
No.
Jimmy and I have a band called Aru.
Shit. like secret no jimmy and i have a band called aru it's spelled a h hyphen r six o's
no way dude that's fucking sick yeah you guys got shirts yet uh no
i like that i like the first thing like we're like, we're going to do a music project.
We need shirts.
We probably will just because of that.
Dude, that's sick.
So he's playing bass?
We both produce, but he definitely probably does the heavy lifting on the production.
And he'll do some singing.
What genre is this?
A classic rock?
Or just like its own fucking genre?
I don't even know what it is.
I don't know. I rap. It's hip hop I guess.
But like the beats are just...
I don't know. It's really stupid.
I'll send you some songs.
Is it like... Is it comedic or is it serious?
Definitely more on the comedic end.
I mean, we're just having fun.
Like Weird Al Yankovic?
No, no.
Not like parody type.
Just fun.
Yeah.
You're just getting silly out there.
Yeah, silly shit.
For sure, dude.
Yeah.
When you rap
are you like completely sober like do you need to get in a vibe to to rap um like it's like a
feeling thing but it doesn't matter i guess anytime anywhere anytime actually uh one of my
favorite songs that we made we did it on christmas eve yeah it was just like we're just hanging out and just drinking yeah and just bullshit so yeah dude that's so funny man it's
so funny when you uh like you see someone like people are rapping there's always that one kid
who's like whoa whoa whoa like i gotta get ready for this he's like no no no man i need my beer dude i need my fucking dayquil like
i like you like i i don't want to be uh drowsy i got my beer but my dayquil
dude you know what's funny to me like you probably won't find this funny but
like have you ever uh just think think about this like hard like try to like put your mind to
it doing it so like you're hanging out with your boys and shit you're drinking dude you got the
musical instruments out and stuff and you just get that feeling dude where you're like it's time to
pop off dude so you start you get a beat going you go in dude you crush it one of your buddies who thinks he's like the best at rapping goes in
and he's like 15 deep like high drunk like off the edge dude and he just starts spewing randomness
like what do you do in that situation like you cut him off you're like no no no man like
killing the vibe or you just let him have his fun and i just let it happen yeah what if he's like
screaming and shit like probably maybe i'll add auto an auto tune or something you know yeah it's all about the b dude you like
blame it on yourself you're like this is on me just like a single tear rolls down your eye
you're just like i should have been better i should have done better um dude i was uh
yeah but um i just have like i don't know if you've seen like my sketches but they don't really
make sense like a normal person they're very funny yeah but dude i wanted to make a sketch
it's a it's a music video uh it's called the Helen Keller remix. And it's just fucking
me in a do-rag, just dressed up like a straight up G. And like the beat drops, and I just
start making sounds. Does that make sense?
Yeah, you know, that sounds good.
You think that would like offend people?
Definitely not.
You think I should put it on like my linkedin yeah
yeah yeah yeah for like for me though like when i originally thought of that like i was like in
tears laughing and now i'm just like dude what the fuck you're like i i want to i want to kill
my career for sure yeah right now yeah because i know when i put
it up like i'm gonna laugh everyone else is just infuriated just a bunch of comments
like i know for sure i'm gonna be in tears laughing but i know people are just gonna be
like you know like this has to stop yeah in the outfit do you have those uh uh socks and
chanclettes on are these targes yeah for sure man high socks probably like some uh
some shorts i got from walmart i'll probably sag them down a little bit
you won't even see the shorts but i'll do that just to feel did you know what i like about walmart
what uh they're sweatpants and they're sweat shirts that's what i've been telling people
for years man they're really affordable and comfy um but i could only wear like uh comfy
or buy comfy stuff from walmart because i'm just a
too thin of a boy like they're uh they're smalls or very large on you yeah damn dude they don't
they don't have extra smalls no walmart yeah i mean dude like i've been telling that to people
for years like american sizes dude you can buy sweatpants for like six bucks
like and like who's gonna be like dude your sweatpants are shitty it's like dude they're
sweatpants yeah exactly you know what i'm saying and like dude they're all there are some cons for
sure man like i've got holes right where my gooch is but it's not really a con dude no that's like
dude if you feel a wind gust down there, there's nothing like it.
Yeah.
That's air con.
Con air.
There you go.
I don't know what I'm saying.
100%, dude.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I'm talking about.
Yeah.
You ever bent over and just felt like a little gust of air go up there?
Yeah.
Well, lately I feel like I gained some weight a little bit on my gut,
and now I feel like when I bend down, a lot of times i do i do the plumbers uh
dude you know uh in the uk they call it a builder's bum a builder's bum yeah and you
call it like a plumber's crack plumber's crack yeah they go with builders wow yeah
that's more like universal yeah it is more accepting yeah um i i like the specificity
i like that too yeah you know we know we know what kind of like a blue collar job that is
yeah i always that always bothered me dude just like seeing that stuff
it would be really funny i'm sure someone's done this just like you just you get a plumber and you
just like go to the bathroom and you just see like a fucking g-string it's just a it's a very large
man yeah i've told this story before dude but when i was uh when i was growing up like me and my buddy
we were playing soccer on the road and uh he was guatemalan dude so he's a
big soccer guy so he was like shredding me up dude crossing me over i was overweight dude i was
struggling and uh the house across the road was kind of vacant for a while and then we finally
got a neighbor dude so he moves in turns out he plays soccer so we're like yo bro come shred it
with us so dude we're all playing out, dude.
My friend kicks the ball in the corner, and this kid runs over to get it.
Bends over, dude.
He's wearing a thong.
Dude.
Like, dude, he bent over, and it wasn't like a little, you know, it wasn't like a little you know it wasn't like a little bit
like when he bent over his pants came down
it was like it was like full ass bro yeah just thong no denying it yeah like even how stupid
i was i was like that's a fucking thong, dude. That's not Hanes.
You guys kept shredding up afterwards, though?
I think I was like, yeah, dude, it's time for dinner.
It was like 8 in the morning.
Yeah, dude.
I don't think we ever talked to that kid again.
You weren't a very progressive child.
Yeah, I mean, what are you going to do?
Like, ask him about it?
Be like, bro, you're wearing a fucking thong right Yeah, I mean, what are you going to do? Like, ask him about it?
Be like, bro, you're wearing a fucking thong right now, dude? Mm-hmm.
What if he gets upset, dude?
He's my neighbor, dude.
He knows all my fucking weaknesses.
What if it wasn't a jockstrap?
No, dude, it was like a black thong, dude.
Like a woman's thong.
Can you say it slower?
Woman's thong.
I mean, dude, I've worn, like, woman's tights. Do you say it slower? Woman's thong. I mean, dude, I've worn like woman's tights.
Do you think he liked it?
It was just like laundry day and it was just a pinch.
I mean, dude, who wouldn't like it?
Like, you know, I mean, I feel like that might be something I would do, but I would hide it better.
that might be something I would do,
but I would hide it better.
You're like,
you're not judging him for doing it,
but just for not keeping it on the DL.
It's like, dude, my boys here,
I gotta keep my rep.
You know what I'm saying?
Just like how it feels.
Yeah.
I mean, dude,
if you were playing soccer in a thong,
you don't think that would feel good?
It might. It might.
Isn't that like Native Americans?
They played lacrosse.
And I think they wore like thongs and stuff.
Well, dude, weren't Native American thongs like fucking shoes because i specifically remember being in history now when they played lacrosse they wore moccasins
i like that they it they did invent lacrosse but what is it called like highlight or is that a
separate thing pretty sure they i'm not sure i know lacrosse has been around since like the year
one dude yeah just using slingshots and shit breaking windows dude didn't they uh didn't people die
from slingshots uh lacrosse but i'm sure the slingshots
dude i like how like when you when we were kids uh or you just watch like a kids tv show or
whatever there's always like a slingshot
like that's always like a thing they had i didn't have a slingshot but it just seems super dangerous
it's probably like a david versus goliath thing oh yeah there must be like a lot of symbolism in it
dude if you if you i used a legitimate slingshot when i was younger yeah i launched a rock dude
it went like four neighborhoods over really Really? It's like legitimate leather.
Yeah.
And it's fucking insane, dude.
I was like, oh, this thing must launch like what, like 10 feet, dude?
I've never handled a slingshot or a boomerang.
Really?
I feel like those are two things growing up.
You're like, we're going to have a lot of boomerang situations.
I wouldn't put a boomerang in my hands dude
i would just run up to like my neighbor's house and like throw it at the door i'd be like oh why
didn't it come back like i wouldn't understand the science behind it yeah those things are sick
though dude they are pretty sick you could get some pussy dude yeah that's like a kite, dude. Yeah. Yeah.
Just out at the beach flying your kite for pussy.
Imagine getting pussy flying a kite, dude.
Some chick just walks up to you.
She's like, you flying kites? She's like, Ben Franklin.
Is this your fucking kite?
You're like, I've had this for 10 years.
You're like, I've had this for 10 years.
What's the shape of your kite?
Mine would be like definitely different.
You know, it wouldn't be just a regular square, dude.
Definitely be the shape of a penis.
Oh, nice.
I was going to do like a Chinese New Year dragon.
Oh, shit.
Dude, you think a Chinese chick would fuck with you?
No, she would think it's inappropriate, but... Yeah, but if she did fuck with you?
She was like, that's so offensive that I'm like wet right now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look, the only type of cultural appropriation i appreciate is
kites i just imagine i just imagine you flying a kite at like the fucking the island down the road
yeah and like some chicks just like sitting on like a a cement wall just like playing with herself dude i don't know if i could actually have the confidence
to fly a kite to actually purchase a kite and then go fly it yeah do you need to send you need
to assemble it probably in some fashion you need a reason to be out there. Yeah.
I would bring like a paper with a list of like hypothetical questions. Like study them
overnight.
Of the flight?
Or just what people would ask you.
What people would ask me. Like are you gay?
Yeah. You wearing a thong right now? What happened?
Who hurt you? Yeah. Shit like that.
But I mean
a lot of the dudes down the road they do uh wind surfing
dude if i was a woman i'd be out there every day to kite for the sea yeah dude we were watching
some dude shredded out there man yeah he definitely looks divorced but he was fucking
dude he was shredding it bro i love water sports are divorce sport you know for sure dude like that should be
like its own like category of sporting because i guess the the ocean's uh contemplative you know
yeah it's just like a shield for like divorced men
you can't see me crying it's too bright out yeah you can't see the tears
somebody could be literally like drenched in tears at the beach and, like, you can't see.
No, yeah.
The sun's your shield, dude.
The beach is a crazy place, bro.
See, I've never been a beach.
I like the idea of a beach, but I think I, more than the actual practicality, I think the sand has a lot to do with it.
Yeah.
You know.
Sand's tough, man.
Yeah.
Especially when it gets up there, dude.
I also don't like cold water.
You know, it's going to be a nice day.
I mean, dude, I think usually the nicer it is, the colder the water is.
The nicer the day?
Or you prefer cold water?
Not the hot or like the nicer.
I feel like the nicest day is the water's like freezing.
Oh, yeah,
for sure,
yeah.
And then you gotta,
you know,
you gotta get used to it.
I mean,
dude,
I have salami nipples,
so like you won't see me
at the beach.
Yeah, me too,
I got some pepperoni.
Yeah, yeah,
you won't see me at the beach
too often,
but dude,
the second I just sprint
in the water,
because like it shrinks
them down a little bit.
Yeah, yeah,
it does,
it does.
It makes me like feel
like I don't have tits.
Yeah,
that's why you like it.
Like it fucking.
You ever shave your nipples?
Yeah, for sure, man. Yeah, I shave my chest dude yeah because that shit dude i don't have like i mean i get it
like you should be masculine you know but dude my chest hair is just like confusing bro it's like
really uncomfortable yeah so i'll just shave it man getting around the nips it's kind of hard dude i've i've nicked my nip before i started
bleeding out i just like the idea that i was lacerated um no i just nicked it and it was not
it's not fun oh for sure man yeah yeah you gotta be really gentle when you go near it
yeah i've got like nipples around my nipples you know what i'm saying yeah nipples around your
nipples yeah dude so if you nick one of those nips it's fucking overdue nipples around nipples
like the nipple yeah and then like the surrounding circle yeah they like these like little bumps
yeah dude i got i got more nipples. Yeah, nah, dude, fuck the area. The nipple ring.
Nah, I got nipples on nipples, bro.
Saturn's rings.
I read an article a few weeks ago that I guess Saturn's rings are disappearing.
You know, like, the reasoning behind it?
Do they play a role in like anything we stand for blm
you should go to one of the meetings be like saturn's rings are disappearing
i think i think because it's just a bunch of debris or some shit
and it's just like falling into saturn maybe shit dude but it's gonna take a way too many years we'll
be dead like yeah like hundreds of thousands of years maybe yeah i read something about like an
asteroid that came pretty close to earth yeah and by close i mean like a hundred million miles away
but that's pretty close relative yeah yeah it was like the size of like 10 football fields
jesus i don't know how big of an asteroid that is.
I'm sure that would do a little bit of damage though.
10 football fields.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't know, man.
I don't know much about that shit.
I've seen Armageddon, but.
No, that's what I was thinking immediately.
I was just thinking, I think it's funny that we measure things in football fields like regularly.
Well, I think it was just for stupid people.
Yeah, for sure.
Which is wonderful.
I don't know what the size of anything is.
Dude, we do Fahrenheit here.
Over there in the other parts of the world, they do Celsius.
They use the metric system too, right?
Yeah.
I think it's way,
it makes way more sense.
You think so?
Yeah, because I guess zero is freezing point of water.
What's ours, like 32?
Yeah.
Damn, that's good.
I'm stupid.
I don't,
I had to look that up
somewhat recently.
I don't know what just happened, dude.
It was some sort of like
That was incredible. Dude, something fucking shot happened, dude. It was some sort of like, That was incredible.
Dude,
something fucking,
something shot down,
dude.
Yeah,
and I think the 100,
is there boiling?
Yeah,
like 108,
something like that.
Or some,
yeah,
yeah,
yeah.
I don't know,
dude.
Yeah.
I'm fucking stupid as shit.
That,
no,
I'm definitely dumber.
That's really impressive.
But it's just weird
when they're like,
oh,
it's two out.
But it's not like, you know, like that's not they're like, oh, it's two out. But it's not like, you know,
or like, oh, it's 15 or whatever the fuck.
Yeah.
No, we're dumb as shit.
I just like that we have to increase our numbers.
You know how fucking dumb people are, dude?
I think about how stupid I am,
and I'm just like, this is amazing.
Yeah. When I was younger, dude, I was like, there's no way i'm getting a job and now that i have a job i'm like dude i deserve better
yeah like i i look around and i'm like dude these people are like getting dumber yeah which is scary
the dude the fact that like everything's getting more complex,
but people are getting dumber.
You know how fucking scary that is, dude?
Yeah.
I wonder if it's on purpose, man.
Are we getting dumber?
I mean, if you look around.
I just wanted to sit like that.
I just felt like it was an important question.
That'll be the fucking...
That'll be the picture for this episode.
Are we getting dumber?
I mean, dude, like, fuck the stats.
You know what I'm saying?
Fuck the data, dude.
Just go to, like, a Walmart or, like, a McDonald's.
First off, you're like, people are getting dumber.
All right, fuck the data.
Data's bullshit i mean dude like think about how confusing this is right yeah you go into walmart
dude you see some dude ghost ride a carriage into a car on the way in and you're like oh shit this
is gonna be tough then you go in dude you buy six rolls of toilet paper for four dollars so your mind shifts
you're like dude i'm getting that's a great yeah that's a great so now you're just confused yeah
you're like i saw shit when i walked in but dude it was worth it yeah i feel like that's how i think
they they throw you off a little bit not single ply though right, right? No, dude. Two ply, bro. Dude, this happened to me
I don't know,
like three or four months ago
I accidentally
bought a giant pack
of one ply.
It was just the worst.
What brand?
I don't even know.
Yeah, dude.
Toilet paper is
it's like a big deal, man.
I mean, I think Charmin's probably the best. Dude best dude i love charmin but if you buy like one ply from like a gas station i mean you should be
wiping for like yeah good while you just get a lot of layers yeah it's like i'm paper shitting my
ass bro charmin toilet paper looks like weed it's like a sewing it just like a towel dude i love that yeah those
are those are definitely things like uh when when money's tight i still don't really want to cut
corners on something like that i want something you know same with uh paper towels really yeah
paper towels i'll just go to like, it's the dollar store, dude.
In the UK, they call it a kitchen roll.
You're not like a big wet wipes guy?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, fuck with that.
Yeah.
I feel like I use too many paper towels, dude, so I feel like I've been fucking with wet wipes more.
Oh, I was thinking like butt wipes.
Oh, like ass wipes.
Yeah, you're thinking about your ass.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
uh like butt wipe oh like ass yeah you're thinking about your ass yeah yeah bro is there a difference between like wiping your ass with a lysol wipe versus like a wet wipe um probably just because
it's like uh i'm sure it's gonna dry out your ass really yeah yeah dude i wiped my ass with uh
lysol wipes and i told someone and they, dude, are you an imbecile?
I'm sure so many people have done that.
Yeah.
I want to know the difference, though, between a Lysol wipe and just regular baby wipes.
Because if you wipe your ass with a baby wipe, you're a child.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, but you mess with wet wipes for your hands like you're eating wings a lot?
Oh, dude, I'm so messy, bro.
Do you...
Wait, do they sell wet wipes?
Like how...
Like for...
For babies?
Yeah.
Do you have little baby chicken wings?
Yeah, your toddler is going to town.
I like those things.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I meant...
Oh, that's what you're cleaning your hands with
yeah is that can you i guess you could do that i don't know why i'm thinking
can you buy uh those restaurant wipes in bulk the the little packages
oh the little ones yeah yeah well dude i got the one, and then it came with, like, a little one.
Yeah, see, like, I picture this as just, you know, you wipe down.
You're like an area.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Definitely not for your ass.
And it says do not flush in toilets specifically.
We should ask, like, we should go to, like, a local Target.
Should I hold that up to one of the employees?
Should I be like, yo, can you wipe your ass with this?
Straight face.
Should be like, listen, dude.
These are coming in a six pack.
I need to know.
Dude, as anyone...
As anyone just, like, walked up to you at a store and just ask questions about a product, like you work there and they know you don't work there?
Oh, yeah.
All the time, man.
Even when I did work there.
I mean, I have multiple jokes about that.
Yeah.
Like I used to work in the dairy aisle of a supermarket.
I would get asked the craziest fucking questions, too.
Really?
Yeah, dude.
People are serious about dairy, man.
Yeah.
Would they get upset when certain dairy products weren't there?
Dude, everyone in the supermarket's upset, dude.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't get it either.
It's like, dude, this is a happy place.
Yeah.
Like, if I'm in the produce aisle, dude.
Food's the best.
Oh, dude, I just want to fucking, I just want to, like, rub myself with fucking peppers.
Like, naked, dude. Mm-hmm, I just want to like rub myself with fucking peppers like naked, dude.
Mm-hmm.
And just cry.
What kind of peppers?
Ball peppers, dude. Ball peppers.
Fucking ball peppers i yeah no i do appreciate the uh the produce aisle big fan of it i was never a big fan dude but
no it just feels right man it feels natural out there bro imagine if you could just spend a day
in the produce aisle just eating whatever the fuck you want just grazing just eating bananas dude fucking strawberries what would you go to first
if they were like you can you can eat whatever you want like what would you go to first
what would i go to this probably i'm i just feel all the bad answers came to me first
i don't know why i'm like oh maybe i'll start with an apple and think about what I'm doing.
An apple?
I mean.
Just because it's so easy, you know?
I would want to start off, like, slow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then kind of, like, ease my way into it.
I see.
You feel what I'm saying?
Like, I might honestly start off with, like, a banana.
I knew you were going to go banana.
Bananas fuck, dude.
Dude, I'm a big.
How do you like your bananas? I mean, mean dude it's tough when they're ripe bananas are tough in general dude
you got to eat them at the right time and like sometimes they look like shit but under the peel
it's like fuck dude that shit so you don't care if it's mushy i don't fuck with the mush man it's
gotta be like it's gotta be perfect if it's gotta be perfect. If it's still,
I'll eat it if it's a little green.
Oh, dude, I'll eat it if it's ripe.
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
It's just like a little sour
and like tarty.
Mm-hmm.
But, yeah, bro,
if it's too brown.
I think it's definitely
a texture thing.
Yeah.
I like some firmness.
You're just eating like applesauce.
Yeah.
It's not even an apple
and you're just eating applesauce, dude.
Apparently, they're really good for like banana making banana bread oh really yeah i would have
never thought that dude yeah the more uh mushy they are the the more banana bready holy shit
yeah dude if you put a fucking thing of banana bread in front of me dude i love banana bread
with like the nuts and oh banana nuts yeah banana nuts? Yeah. Oh, dude.
Dude, banana nut muffin,
big fan.
Bro, my mom will buy
those little fucking
plastic containers
of banana bread.
Just eat the whole thing, dude.
They're so good.
You can't just eat one, dude.
You gotta eat the whole thing.
You gotta like put shit
in between the two, dude.
Bro.
Just put like a fucking
whole container
of cream cheese on it, dude.
Yeah, just an absolute ruin. just fall asleep with like cream cheese
on my face dude just wake up not even know what day it is i'm like late for work dude
just going 90 in 90.
Bro,
I go so fast on the highway.
Yeah.
And like,
I always think about
just hitting one of those rails.
I would just die
on the spot,
dude.
See,
I drive like a bitch ass car
that I love.
Oh yeah.
So I can,
you know,
I drive a Honda Fit.
Oh shit.
Yeah.
You could fly in those things though,
dude.
Dude, I love it. Yeah. Yeah. You can go like zero to 60 i used to hate the idea of a hatchback and then
until i had one damn bro yeah i'm pissed at like these subaru outback bitches out there dude
just fucking everyone's day up i don't know what it is about those dude
yeah it's just fucking they're always fucking shit up out there man like i always think it's the minivans that are always speeding really yeah i haven't seen a
minivan in a while dude that takes a lot of courage to drive yeah especially as a man i
probably drive one i mean bro if i'm if i'm an older dude... That's like a great comedy vehicle.
Dude, if I'm a fucking... If I'm an older man and I'm bragging about my Honda Odyssey,
dude, you can just shoot a fucking bow and arrow at me, dude.
Bro, I honestly...
I haven't seen many minivans around here.
Maybe, like, some drug deals go down in those things have you seen the end of watch yes i have yeah remember that fucking honda odyssey at the
end no jake jenlo hall's in it right yeah yeah it's like when the that's actually like a really
fucking i thought it was a pretty dope ass movie oh dude i cried first time i saw
it when he dies at the end uh what's his face yeah i mean i don't know his name but
wait he's a really good fucking actor dude the spanish guy uh pain something yeah well dude like
the fucking mexican drug cartel they all get loaded up in a honda odyssey has like tinted windows and they're like
you fucking you motherfuckers ready like we're gonna pop off and they got like ak-47s they just
do a drive-by in a honda odyssey yeah it's like that's a genius dude
just like the idea that that they got like fucking like Honda paid them for that.
That's like a commercial.
Yeah.
Can you get some, how many gangbangers can you fit in here?
Like what's the drive-by like?
What's the drive-by score?
That would be the best commercial.
Yeah.
It's like, are you trying to do a drive-by?
Do you need extra space for assault rifles?
Yeah.
Just the window goes down very swiftly.
The window goes down very swiftly.
Dude, if they put the drive-by in the commercial,
somebody yells something in fucking Spanish.
Something wicked stupid.
You know how the driver's side door has the... I think actually usually just the front two doors
have the thing where you just click it and the window goes down automatically.
In a good drive-by, all the windows have that, I think.
For sure, dude.
You have to be in synchronization too.
You have to do it at the same time.
Because like, dude, if one guy fucks up, if the other starts shooting and his window is still not down, that would be me, dude, if I was
in the driveway. I just wouldn't even put the window down.
Dude, they'd be like, you motherfuckers
ready? I'd just shoot out the window
Just glass everywhere
Like you're caught up
I think I need to go to the hospital
You get pulled over by the cops they're like yeah we just uh just got a report of a drive-by i'm in the back i have no idea what you're talking about
cuts all over your face
i'm like yeah dude someone threw a rock at our window
definitely a crime just holding an m16 I'm like, yeah, dude, someone threw a rock at our window.
Definitely a crime.
Just holding an M16.
Yeah, dude, that would definitely be the sponsor car for drive-bys for sure, dude.
You got to re-watch that movie, man.
Dude, that was such a good fucking movie, man.
It really was just with anyone
just a man or a woman
if you show them that for the first time
they're gonna be emotional
I just like
bringing the gender in
just watching Endwatch it's like a date night movie
you're like oh you take your law yeah yeah yeah yeah
dude if i was on a first date i would put that shirt on You're like, oh, Jake Gyllenhaal? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dude, if I was on a first date, I would put that shirt on.
She'd be like, no, we should watch Good Will Hunting.
I'd be like, no, you got to see this shit.
You got to see this shit. Just end up watch as a day movie.
It's so stupid.
It's got like the surround sound bumping and shit.
You're like, all right, next we're doing Sicario.
Actually, can you turn that down?
What? actually can you turn that down what Benicio's talking
dude I wonder
I don't know man
like what do you think
would be a good like
first date night movie though
you have a girlfriend
yeah same here dude yeah gang shit dude yeah hell yeah we ain't gay yeah What do you think would be a good first date night movie, though? You have a girlfriend? Yeah.
Same here, dude.
Yeah.
Gang shit, dude.
Yeah, hell yeah.
We ain't gay.
Okay.
The only reason I have one.
Just for that.
Same here, dude.
I just needed a reason, man.
Date night movie. Dude, actually, I just needed a reason, man. Date night movie.
Dude, actually, I really like rom-coms.
Yeah?
Yeah, I'm a big fan.
Like which one, dude?
A lot of them.
I always roll with Good Will Hunting.
As a date movie?
That was like my go-to, yeah.
You're like, I consider this a rom-com.
Yeah, especially if someone's like, I've never seen this's like dude you ever seen goodwill hunting were you a fucking communist
the idea that uh anyone could live in boston and not see that movie
is actually kind of incredible you're doing a public service
it's an easy grab, dude. Yeah.
It's better than looking through Netflix for like four hours, dude. Yeah.
Just like not picking anything.
You end up picking up like SpongeBob, dude.
Yeah.
SpongeBob's fucking good, man.
SpongeBob's really good, man.
That would probably be my second choice, honestly.
For a date show?
Dude, watch the SpongeBob.
Dude.
That would be like romantic in a sense.
Mm-hmm.
Especially if you grew up watching it.
Mm-hmm. You're like like you trying to run it back
bitch
is that your first time meeting
you have like the xbox controller in your hand
you're playing it off of your xbox
yeah yeah
I don't know why I find that extra funny.
What do you play?
What do you mean?
You play video games?
Yeah, dude.
I play fucking...
I'll play Warzone, Call of Duty, dude.
Yeah.
It gets tough. Like like I don't know when
my roommates home though so like it's like fucking 2 in the morning I'm just screaming
frag out imagine sleeping to that dude I'm I'm the worst at all those games just first-person
shooters or anything like that oh yeah for sure I'm just fucking terrible man but my eye hand
coordination I just can't you can't what what it. Nah. What, what do you do?
Like you just shooting at the sky.
I'm just always missing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Dude,
I'm so fucking bad,
man.
My friend takes it wicked seriously.
Like he'll get mad sometimes.
What the fuck were you doing,
man?
It's like,
dude,
it's a fucking video.
Yeah.
I never,
this isn't real life.
Yeah.
He was like, dude, one game, he was taking it wicked seriously, dude.
So this team's fucking.
This team.
Team's about to pop off on us, dude.
Like they're about to fuck us up.
Yeah.
My friend's like, where are you?
Where are you?
Yeah.
Dude, I just run in the building to start shooting at my friend.
And, dude, the team killed both of us.
And he was like, what happened out there, man?
He was just like, there's so many fucking bullets.
Like, I don't know, man.
They must have been really good.
I definitely dig video games, but I feel like I don't play them that, like, super often.
But when I do, I've just been, like, getting into, like, just, like, lazy-ass, just chill games.
What kinds of games?
Like, dude, I just, I've been playing the Lego Star Wars game.
Oh, shit.
Just came out.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater 1-2 remake. Wow wow what is that on on most things i think really
yeah they have a remake for the pro skater yeah they like remastered the first xbox one
yeah it's definitely i used to play that on ps2 dude yeah it's the best you'll immediately want
more like you can skate around like uh hollywood yeah yeah yeah that game was sick yeah it's good stuff i played the lego game
once it's kind of like minecraft right uh no i think well maybe there's one like that i don't
know but it's just like mindless bullshit like i just like it's not hard oh yeah just fucking
you know just stone let's just play some bullshit yeah dude or like uh what the hell is that uh it was like big during the the beginning of the
pandemic um why am i blanking on it i know what you're talking about uh uh animal crossing
oh animal crossing i think we're gonna say uh the game where you like build stuff and like kill people build stuff and kill people oh oh um fucking fortnite fortnite dude yeah i played
that only for a little bit i got bored of it really i feel like i got a big game to play high
oh yeah you know it is have you ever played a fucking grand theft auto high yeah oh yeah actually
they uh they released like the the remakes of the trilogy.
Yeah, so I've been playing a bunch of Vice City.
I mean, I don't smoke weed now, but dude, back in high school and college, playing fucking Grand Theft Auto High was so funny, dude.
Like, not to anyone else, just to me.
It was a San Andreas guy?
Oh, dude, San Andreas was the best.
It was so good.
Yeah.
My parents took it
away from me when i was younger really because i would always play it after school and they would
see like what the game was about i'm just like driving in the building just like literally
killing hundreds of people like running away from the cops they were like yeah we can't have this
really which kind of makes sense no i think that's a fair thing but i'm so happy my parents
like i feel like i have good parents but they also didn't give a shit about that type of stuff.
I mean, it didn't translate like I haven't done anything yet.
If I do, I'll just blame it on that.
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
Like, you should have let me fucking play it.
One of my friends, I remember when I think GTA 5 first came out.
This is like, I don't know, so many years ago.
It was like eight years ago or some shit, probably.
Probably a long time ago.
Yeah.
I remember him coming to work, and he's just like, dude, I almost ran a red light.
I was just playing way too much GTA.
So it actually correlated with GTA.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's crazy.
He wasn't going to shoot anybody.
He was just poorly driving in the real world.
Yeah.
That would be cool to see how many stars you could get with the cops.
How would you rate that?
Yeah.
Like the helicopters in the air?
Yeah.
We need like an international consortium for stars.
I think every car should have like stars on their hood.
You know?
Mm-hmm.
I would want to know what like five is. You just have like stars on their hood you know i would want i would want to know what like five is you just have like six helicopters they're just shooting fucking rockets at you
imagine like driving to work and seeing that
you're probably everyone's probably so pissed at the GTA, like, protagonist.
Bro, I've always wanted to see that in real life.
I almost went to school, like, a class once, and there was a shooting on the, like, right
outside of the Providence Place Mall, like, on the highway.
Oh, shit.
Wait, that was, like, somewhat recently.
Yeah, dude.
Yeah.
That was, like, a few years ago.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I just didn't go to class because of it.
I was like, oh, dude, I don't have to go to class.
I emailed my teacher.
I was like, I heard there's a shooting.
I'm just going to stay home.
He's like, it's on the highway.
It was done by the cops.
Yeah.
It was a girl.
She was like, you're a fucking pussy.
Imagine, though, dude, if you were like wicked stoned, like on the way to work, you're just fucking blasting music.
You see like a fucking rocket just blow up a car next to you.
Like gunshots go off.
There's like choppers that show up.
It's just Blackhawk down in front of you.
And you're stoned.
Would you be like, oh, this is real life?
Or would you be like, this is real life or would you be like there's no way
i could see you just like peeping your head out the window just screaming that there's no fucking way
this isn't real
uh what would you think like dude my first i would be like there's
i took something i would be like this is the end
you know what see see i wouldn't drive high i'm responsible oh really
so that wouldn't happen what if you were sober so this this hypothetical is uh you know
no So this hypothetical is, you know.
Are you being serious?
No, yeah, I don't.
Really?
So hypothetically, the coffee did.
It's your first time?
Imagine the first time.
I'm like, you know what?
Fuck it, today's the day.
Sick of running away.
I'm running towards my fears today, motherfucker.
Just watching and to watch back-to-back for training for this day.
Slug like six beers, dude.
You're merging onto the highway and you're fit, dude.
Doing like 20 above the speed limit.
Down comes the RPG missile.
You hear like a random orgasm sound.
There is something hilarious about just downing beers back to back and just not knowing what's going on.
Dude, have you ever been drunk and high at the same time?
Yeah.
I did that maybe once or twice my whole life
never felt anything like it dude like dude you know you know when you're like drunk like people
can like easily convince you to do shit you're like no you should do it and you're like all right
yeah like we put it that way like dude if i was drunk and high i would i would honestly
like you could convince me to drive
through a house you sound like a motivational speaker for mixing drugs it's like a dare
commercial you've been drunk and high at the same time have you ever seen this guy
you have a torn shirt
my eyes are like bloodshot i'm like dude i'm fucking telling you man
so dumb yeah well bro we really fucking covered a lot man yeah we did every episode it's just like
just kidding it's getting more and more like informational man. Yeah. I feel like I'm going to switch the genre of this to education.
You should.
You're like, dude, top 10 educational podcast.
Just two more on Speaking Weekly.
But dude, this was fucking fun, man.
Yeah.
Appreciate you for coming out, dude.
Thank you for having me.
Honestly, man, keep up the whole... Dude, you're fucking doing fucking doing well man i didn't even know you knew me dude so oh no i've been uh i've been a fan from a distance for a bit yeah um yeah yeah i dig your
shit no man you're hilarious dude keep doing you bro i know we didn't talk much about comedy but
you can only talk so much about it i don't even really like talking about comedy i'm like shit
but i'd rather just talk about farts and shit yeah yeah no you're a silly bitch you're a silly We can only talk so much about it. I don't even really like talking about comedy. I'm like, shit.
I'd rather just talk about farts and shit.
Yeah.
No, you're a silly bitch.
You're a silly boy. I appreciate that.
Keep crushing, bro.
Thanks for coming, man.
Yeah, thank you.
Fuck yeah, dude.
Some more time we did, dude.
How much does it run you?