The Johnny Salami Podcast - Shaunak Godkhindi

Episode Date: September 4, 2024

Shaunak Godkhindi by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. Hey, how are you, buddy? Fuck yeah, dude. It's good to have you here, man.

Thank you, man. I was going to meet you the other night. Met you on Saturday. Look at us now. Yeah. I'm the Airways. When I met you on saturday look at us now yeah when i met you bro i thought you know it felt like we were like best friends and like another in another dimension you know yeah yeah i can see that you feel that kindred kindred souls i think it was wild dude you scooped me and i was like that's real friendship yeah right off the bat man yeah and then like somebody must have separated us in the

other dimension you know what i mean they didn't want us to be together yeah what do you think we did they like fucked it up um probably probably uh some snowden type shit oh really yeah edward yeah edward no jose joseden. He was cool. He was just a chill guy. Yeah, we probably, like, put some information out there that the establishment didn't want out there. Yeah, like nudes. Nudes. Nudes of, you know, the top.

Like Hillary Clinton, dude. Yeah, we put Hillary's nudes out there. You think you'd smash that? Younger Hillary's cute? Yeah. That's the most politically correct answer. I've never seen a younger version, dude. Really? She looks...

I feel like the old version just does enough for me, man. You haven't even decided to look into it. I feel like it'll ruin it. You know, like what we have. You're going on images have you're going to on images you're typing hillary clinton and then one of those is yes it is iller clinton hot and you're like no regular is all i need yeah it's like a movie spoiler dude you know yeah and you know you don't want to go there it's like shrooms like if if weed is doing it for you you don't

gotta go to shrooms yet wait wait till weed is you know yeah it's like getting high as tits and then drinking like 15 beers yeah yeah you don't need that yet yeah um young nancy pelosi was pretty kid too i think really there's a picture of her with jfk and i was like damn dude something about her like gets me going too yeah probably just the fact that she's bombed like 30 villages just doesn't even care man you know it's funny that you're like looking at her and you see the stats next to it you're like 40 villages i should like a little chart dude yeah you have like horny robocop dudes are doing that like spanking to uh hillary and like nancy and all those uh probably Probably. Probably there's some sickos out there. Yeah. Who's that other woman?

The AOC? AOC's hot. She looks like a Barbie girl, dude. Yeah, I mean, let's be honest. Especially next to the other... the politicians, you know? Yeah. She would be hot on her own, but I think... Yeah, I would love

for her to yell at me, dude. That would be sick. She probably would love to yell at you. You seem like exactly who she would yell at. Were you a guy who, you have trouble in, like, professional situations? Yeah, oh, yeah. Same here, man, yeah. I was just talking about this yesterday, but I, a big personality hire.

Like, people, just I'm friendly. Yeah. But I can't I'm friendly. Yeah. But I can't do anything technical at all. You're there for like moral support and shit. Truly. I got fired from a job one time and they said, hey man, we have no idea what you've been doing here. There's nothing, you haven't turned in anything.

And then, but we do, we are going to have a Christmas party on December 15th. You should come for that. Oh, fuck. Okay. That's fucking sick. Damn. Yeah. That's pretty sick, though.

You're bringing the energy. You need that guy, though. Yeah, you want to get it. The hype man. Yeah, you want a guy that's making it fun. You get along with everyone, or you kind of have some enemies? I don't think I have any enemies. I feel like we all got enemies, dog.

Yeah. You know? I don't know. Maybe I just don't be thinking about my enemies like that, for enemies dog yeah you know i don't know maybe maybe i just don't be thinking about my enemies like that for real do you have any um fuck dog nah dude no just haters man just hate i don't really get mad dude yeah i can see that i don't either yeah you seem to be pretty calm dude yeah but. But I want to get mad, though, dude. I get jealous of people that can get angry, and then it goes away.

Yeah. I was watching one of your clips about how you used to get, like, bullied and shit. Which one? For being a brown boy. In one of your stand-up clips. Oh, really? Oh, was it an old clip? No, like, just your don't tell thing.

Like, you get bullied. They say, like, don't come back come you know go back yes yes where you came from yeah yeah but yeah man that got me like kind of i just felt like even more of your brother yeah i mean you were there you were ready to go to war for me this guy's been through heartache dude you know because those are i don't have like haters like i don't have enemies dude i just can't i can't get along with people who haven't like experienced like uh like heartache you know what i'm saying oh sure like these people who like fucking like their parents are rich and shit yeah and then they'll put up like nudes in front of a david's bridal and they'll be like free palestine and it's like dude i can see your fucking roast beef sandwich you know what i'm saying dude what are we doing

i think you're talking about one person in particular it sounds like you're describing someone so specifically there's one woman named victoria that you're talking about i mean it's kind of like a niche thing i feel like yeah you've seen a lot of that stuff yeah i mean you're from you're living in brooklyn right so you got to see a lot of that stuff yeah i mean you see a lot of i don't know i i i'll i'm happy that anyone is taking a good stance. Yeah, like being free and being open. Yeah, and anyone advocating for the right thing is good. But sometimes it feels like they're doing it because they don't have another identity.

Yeah. Oh, you think they don't know themselves? Yeah. I think as a person, they don't really know themselves for real yeah that would be cool man to drive by in like an ice cream truck start screaming that at chicks it works one of them's like uh-huh if we say if we did that in like uh we had like some sad music playing in the background i don't't know if we should yell it. We should be like, hey, honey.

Okay, so sad music and we're just megaphone lightly talking to these women. You don't know yourself. Hey, girl, you call your dad. He's an idiot, but he means well. I'll be driving, like, 10 miles an hour. Everyone behind us beeping. You can't even hear what we're saying. Just a bunch bunch of delivery drivers pissed at us we think we're changing the world dude no one can even hear us yeah that stuff just pisses me off though dude because i can't

even imagine man just like getting whatever you want whatever you want i know you know like that's gotta be so boring it's like yeah it i uh i didn't grow up with money the thing that pisses me off even more is when rich people don't acknowledge it like if you're rich i respect a guy that's like yeah i'm loaded and is very open with the money and it's giving shit out yeah i hate a rich guy that's like great you got two tacos here's my venmo yeah send me. Yeah. That's the worst guy ever. Yeah. He's hiding it, dude. He's hiding it, you know?

And then when you bring it up to him, he's like, no, my dad worked hard. Yeah. That's what I do. That's one thing I don't get about, uh,

like rich people who have families. They're like, Oh, I want to like, I want my family to inherit my wealth. It's like, dude, if I had kids,

I wouldn't want to just like give them everything. Yeah. They don't know what the value is. That's why like like hollywood uh actors like their kids are so fucked up because they just like get like anything yeah imagine being five with like a fucking squirt gun that can like penetrate skin you got your squirt gun making can penetrate skin. Yeah, like a fucking, like a Nerf gun that just fucking has like 60 rounds. You're like this kid's gardener just fit, scared for your life. Just fucking murdering flowers, dude. Like imagine that though, dude.

Like what do you think you would get though if like you inherited like a huge amount of fucking. If I was like a little rich fucker. Yeah, like if your family inherited a huge amount of money and they were just like, listen, here's your sum, dude. You know what I thought was always sick, bro? In cribs, MTV cribs? Yeah. When they had a slide in the house, brother.

Slide in the house goes so hard. Yeah, you gotta like WD-40 that thing though. Ah, yeah. Keep it nice, dude. Yeah, you can't be scraping your... You gotta maintain that thing, dude. You could probably get a creepy guy that knows slides Pay him a few bucks an hour dude Come over and make it maintenance You would never be depressed

Ever You get upset Another day I might kill myself And then you're like To breakfast You don't think that would get old No I think if you and I went on a slide right now dude we'd have a fucking

good time yeah dude slalom style dude we used to hang out on fucking playgrounds uh when i would get stoned yeah high school not in a creepy way but yeah yeah after the sun was down that's the best late at night dude yeah early weed when you're, like, in a playground and you lay back and you look at the sky. I mean, what's cooler than that? Yeah, I don't think I've ever looked at the stars, Stone, but... Really? I've gone down a slide, though, Stone. Did you grow up here, like, where you can't really see the stars for real?

No. Where'd you grow up? In the fucking jungle, dude. I don't even have a family, dude. You're born in the wind, bro? I just came out of the woods one day, dude. Like, lovely? Yeah, I just hitchhiked here.

I learned English through ACDC songs. Yeah, man. No, dude, where I'm from, there's pretty fucking sick stars, dude. Where are you from? Rhode Island. Yeah. Let's go to the ocean, man. No, dude, where I'm from, there's pretty fucking sick stars, dude. Where are you from? Rhode Island. Yeah. Let's go to the ocean, dude.

Dude, you just smell pussy and look up at the stars. You know? That's all you can ask for, man. That sounds gorgeous. Yeah. What a way to spend an evening. Oh, my God, dude. There's nothing better than that, man.

Dude, the stars are wild, though, bro, if you actually look at look at them yeah if you're in a place without light pollution it's incredible yeah because everyone's always looking down no one's ever looking up what fuck yeah dude that rules yeah you believe in aliens every time i look at the stars i go it's gotta be something out there yeah i think so yeah i think they're just so far away you know yeah but then our government every year is like, we got UFOs. Yeah, they probably just found like a lesbian who like quit superculture. She's like, I'm not an alien. Yeah, she fell in like a sewer or something.

Her skin's green. And they're like, we're humans. And she's like, I know. Yeah, those people are so far removed from everything dude wait what lesbians that have been in a sewer yeah I guess if you're a lesbian in a sewer it's like dude fucking get a grip

get a grip get out of the sewer lady come on kids are hungry you got several pets I imagine Yeah dude I love that video Have you seen that video With like the lesbians

Like high fiving Over at the sports game At a game It's the best What are they high fiving about They're just in the living room dude It's like two fat lesbians With like super cuts

Haircuts That rules They're watching like The FIFA World Cup Uh huh They're just like yeah That's sick But're watching like the fifa world cup uh-huh they're just like yeah that's it's like a meme about like uh when lesbians find out there's a new like uh a new haircut for kids

it's the fucking best man have you ever hung out with like any uh brody lesbians it's like it's just like hanging out like this. For real? 100%. You got boys out there? Yeah. I mean, yeah. Like homies. Yeah. I remember I,

in college I would get a haircut at this place. It was like, uh, owned by these two ladies. They'd always have the game on and we would just hang out in there. Really? And they would have beers. Supercuts?

No, no. It was, it was like called like bulldog haircuts or something. wow. Yeah. That fucking lines up. Yeah, dude. Haircuts or something. Oh, wow. Yeah. That fucking lines up, dude. Yeah, dude.

They were so cool. We hung out. Yeah. And it was when Gangnam Style had come out. And these girls love Gangnam Style, bro. Really? That's a banger, dude. On repeat in there.

All day? All day. Fuck, man. It was pretty sick. I feel like lesbians are always kind of like angry. Yeah. You know, like they're just like mad at me and it's like lesbians are always kind of, like, angry. Yeah. You know? Like, they're just, like, mad at me, and it's like, I didn't fucking do anything, you know?

You've had repeated renants. I don't think I've ever been confronted by a lesbian. Maybe when I was working for Amazon. Yeah. This fucking lesbian came outside and, like, took the package I delivered and, like, threw it at the other house. What? She was like, this isn't our fucking house. And I was like, you're fucking fucking house and i was like you're

fucking what why why was she mad at you i think she was mad at the world man yeah she had a flag outside and shit so anyone with a flag you kind of know they're upset any flag yeah yeah it's like if you're dropping money on flags dude i don't know what to tell you you know what i mean yeah look at the inside of your house yeah what the What the fuck is a flag going to do, man? You're just wasting money, dude. Yeah. Like, that's a super cuts haircut right there, dude. You could have put that money into a better haircut.

What are we doing? You know? Yeah. I think any flag that you're trying to... Every time I see, like, a specialty license plate, too, I'm like, what are we doing here? Yeah. It's like you want you know no i mean i support the troops too dude but some of them just like would you go to like an outlet

or something dude yeah yeah you know what i mean yeah most like true war veterans maybe they'll have like a hat from when they served and shit yeah some of these dudes went on like fucking etsy and just went ham the funniest is when a guy has nothing to do with the military and he's just like a fan of it. Yeah. And he's like, got all the stuff, like he'll get it from the surplus store. Yeah. He's decked out.

He's decked out. Those are the guys that go hardest for it. And then you go like, where did you serve? And they're like, nah, man, I just support. Yeah. Or it's like a dude who's in like the reserves who just feels like he just fills tanks with oil. Yeah. And if push came to shove and he got called up he'd be horrified he'd be freaking out yeah i used to live across the road from like a green beret dude what he just was like he never

talked about it and shit of course you could see in his eyes bro like if you fuck with this guy yeah it's you wouldn't even have time to like think no i think his those guys brains compute analyze things at a different level he was like a former like navy seal and green beret yeah i didn't know that was possible well where is he was he in a desert storm or something i don't know man he's like he was in the army and the navy which is crazy i didn't even do that yes because uh he was lying He just has PTSD from like a car crash Yeah dude Yeah

Dude he got like a hand job from a lesbian Yeah At like a pool party He's like I can't go to the pool And you're like oh I probably was in like water combat He's got a hand job He's got a bad hand job He's like I I can't go to the pool. And you're like, oh, I probably was in water combat. He's got a bad hand job by the pool. He's like, I got to learn the ways. Why doesn't Marty ever come to the pool?

And we all go, he's like, his wife's like, hey, he's PTSD. And you're like, oh, my God, he's probably in the shit back there. You think you could fucking... Dude. You think you could turn a lesbian around? Bring her to the dark side? I feel like, dude, I feel like that'd be kind of sick. That'll be hard. I'm going to be honest, bro. I've seen a few pornos.

Yeah. Where that happens? Yeah, it's like some dude's sister who's like eating box. And he's like, I know it's not really you. Well, that's crazy because not only are you changing this girl's like, I know it's not really you. That's crazy because not only are you changing this girl's sexuality, you have a sex with your sister. It's like, why don't you just have sex with a lesbian that's not your sister?

I never thought of it that way. That's crazy. You double dip it on the cakes. That's a whole different ballgame. dude what is specific where are you getting these videos dude i'll send it to you after this it's a fucking great video dude so what is she's got like the backwards hat and everything yeah but it's like unrealistic like you know yeah it would be like if angelina jolie was wearing a fucking one-piece and had cornrows. That sounds like an Oscar-winning role. Yeah, that sounds fucking awesome. I want her to be mean to me.

Yeah, that reminds me of that fucking baseball movie. Yeah, Sandlot? Sandlot, yeah, with the lifeguard. Yeah, oh yeah. Dude, that's the best scene ever that is the best scene ever smalls he fakes he fakes that he's drowning and then when she's giving him mouth-to-mouth he gives everybody a wink yeah and then she's like what the fuck yeah and then because he slips her tongue yeah he gives a wink and then he goes legend dude one of the best scenes of all time yeah that changed him like you think that changed the trajectory of his life?

Probably Because they do like At the end of the movie Don't they go like And Smalls went on to Bang that lifeguard Bro really? In the credits?

Yeah Or no no no At the end Because it's Who's the best kid on the team? The best player Yeah he's telling the story Yeah

Or the He's like pitching for the Cubs or something like that, or he's, like, hitting for the Cubs, and then they go through all the people and where they're at now. Yeah, I forgot about that. I think Small's married. This is the lifeguard. Oh, shit.

Yeah, dude, I think it did change the trajectory. Dude, I always think about, like, all those hot actors we saw growing up, like, where they are now. Yeah. I feel like a lot of them just had, like, one-time roles. Yeah. You know? Yeah, I think they had a few good years like who took a lot of one and dones man that you just

like i don't even remember their names yeah you know like that chick i never saw that chick again no sam my girl you know no i don't know there's that one chick from um what's that shia labeouf movie dude with the neighbor oh disturbia dude i don't even know who was what was i can't even picture that girl i don't even she's so hot though dude that made the whole movie you know my question um brenda song from disney channel the asian girl in sweet life is zack and cody she's asian yeah no there's two girls in that yeah there. There's Ashley Tisdale. Yeah. The white girl. Mm-hmm. And then there's Brenda Sung, the Asian girl who is... Why can't I remember her, dude?

Probably because she's Asian. Yeah. Come on, man. Oh, man. I have to... Honestly, dude, the sweet leg of Zach and Cody kind of threw me off a little bit. You don't like it? I felt like a little gay watching it.

I enjoyed it. I just felt like kind of gay watching it, dude. Why is that? I don't know. It was just two dudes. You know? They're twins. They don't really have a home. They're just kind of like in a hotel you know the only the gay part i'm getting right now is those two dudes yeah oh and the hotel's kind of gay yeah yeah but

ashley tisdale uh she's hot yeah yeah hillary duff was cute yeah dude hillary Duff was cute. Yeah, dude. Hilary Duff was literally like my wife, dude. Prototype. I thought about her every day, man. Yeah. She was in that movie, what is it, like The Song or something? Yeah. Yeah. She goes to like some singing camp.

Yes. Oh, yeah. Camp Rock. No, that's not her. No. I think it's literally just called The Song. Oh, okay. Something like that.

But the Hilary Duff movie, dude, that was like, oh my God. Oh my God, dude. Her and Ashley Tisdale. Yeah, those were your girls? Yeah. Now what about Zoey 101? Dude, I don't even think I watched Zoey 101. Not a teen Nick guy.

I watched iCarly, dude. Oh, iCarly was the best. Yeah, I kind of, I think it was like Channel 34 or 35. It was just like nickelodeon and then disney channel yeah it's definitely more of like a nickelodeon guy oh yeah they're like spongebob and shit dude spongebob's the best because like spongebob i could watch spongebob today and be like that's the fucking best i literally watched it maybe last week really yeah oh yeah i think they're making they've been making like new spongebob movies dude and it's

like what are you guys doing i can't keep the old ones are great you don't even need more yeah the original was fucking awesome dude the original spongebob movie i remember i went and hardest i've ever laughed in a theater ever dude was the best when when patrick has the fishnets on yeah at the end that's the hardest step this is the hardest life ever yeah sweet victory dude just in like one of the regular episodes. Yeah. Oh, my God. It's insane. Yeah. You think we should do SpongeBob and Patrick for Halloween? Who?

I mean, if I get to play, I think I would be Patrick, though, right? Yeah. Yeah. Let's do it. That'd be sick, dude. Yeah, I'm down, man. What's your craziest Halloween costume you've ever done? Dude, I dressed up as a baby.

So I got an adult diaper. Okay. From CVS. Okay. A baby costume. And I went to school in Providence, Rhode Island, dude. And they were like, yeah, we're throwing this banger in the middle of the city. It's a block party or whatever.

So I'm like, dude, I'm like eight beers deep. I'm hammered, dude dude i look like a baby so like my friends and i we walk to the block party and like i go in before all of them and dude i fucking i'm in there for like maybe five minutes and i'm like dude there's all guys here and they're all like half naked and i found out it was like a gay part like it was a gay block party so we were at the wrong party And I was like dude I just spent like 35 bucks To get in here

And like dude all these dudes were all over me bro Yeah you looked like a hot drunk baby Yeah Dang We dipped you know we were just at the wrong block party man I wish you were gay that would have been such a fun night for you I know dude I fucking crushed it man honestly They were all over me dude

The guys jerking me off and shit yeah i got jerked off like six times whoa yeah you were extra dehydrated eight beers deep i know dude i just kept going though he busted six times god dog yeah dude what a hangover that must have been action dude you know oh god yeah it makes you feel good man it does yeah being being lusted after like that just being wanted by someone oh yeah dude you know there's a i went to there's a show in atlanta where i started it's at a gay bar it was such a fun show remember one time we went we stayed for a while after we're getting drunk and uh never really experienced this before that but older gay guy came over gave me his number wow and i never had a girl do that before yeah

you know and he was just such a gentleman about it and i was like that's so classy i wish i was gay yeah i would just love to so all you're thinking about is like if a woman did that oh my god you're like oh my god man can't even imagine yeah you know i would be floating the rest of the yeah the day i'd just be so excited i went to fucking p town you ever heard of p town province town it's like a town in the cape no it's all gay dudes word yeah it's the gayest place ever that sounds cool factually man it was pretty chill man yeah they're probably all hanging out by the water yeah there's like no cars man it's just like this like what yeah man golf cart city yeah i'm trying to compare it to a place around here man you know because like you can't really drive because everyone's like walking on the road

and stuff there's like a bunch of small shops and everything's crowded but it's just dudes just gay dudes that's's tight. Yeah. Kitchy stuff. And I was like younger dude. And like I was with my mom and she brought her a friend who was a guy and I had no idea that this dude was gay. Yeah. Until she told me after, she told me afterwards.

Wow. So we were like there for him and I just, I never knew. Oh really? Yeah. I was sleeping in the same hotel room as him too. So. Pretty, pretty cool. Yeah. Yeah. No, no he was like a he was an old school gay though like he wasn't like flamboyant he was just like oh well he had to be yeah i'm fucking gay dude yeah uh old school gays because they never got to be themselves yeah they're still like a little closeted yeah they're still and they don't they look at like young gays like these fucking gays yeah yeah you know it's it's very funny to see

because they'll be more conservative than like younger conservative people about that kind of stuff yeah or they're like you should be gay but in the house and the lights are off and the windows are closed yeah i am curious as to like where the voice comes from though like the modern day gay voice yeah and someone was like yeah it's just like when you just let it all out that's what you sound like that's that's pretty nice i mean that dude that's you know that's wild man because if i let it all out dude there's no way you let it out Your version of letting it all out Was just like a Vietnamese woman Yeah my name is Johnny

You're like whoa what's going on man And you're like just being myself man Just like a North Korean like laborer Whoa that's who he was inside That's pretty cool Blow up like a cargo ship dude That's what he wanted Johnny started being himself

What do you think Like you would If you like Cause I'm talking about like You know like those Cult like rituals Where they're just like Let it all out dude

Like wave your arms everywhere And just start screaming shit Yeah doing like ayahuasca. Yeah. Like, like, like just run free. Like, what do you think you would sound like, dude? I don't know. Hopefully something cool. Maybe like a prospector, bro. I don't love this. Hey, I'm hanging out. I'm drinking some smart water water You just start dropping n-bombs No no no don't get mad he's been himself That'd be so funny

If you ran into like an H&R block dude You just started dropping n-bombs Somebody help a young prospect In Texas won't you Dude I think that's why we were like Not as stressed out though I'll have somebody to help a young prospect doing his taxes, won't you? Dude, I think that's why we were, like, not as stressed out, though, when we were younger, because it was like... Yeah, you were just being yourself.

You were always just, like, letting it loose, you know, like, doing random shit, and, like, nobody's, like, down to do that stuff anymore, you know what I mean? Yeah, and I think comedy's a good outlet for that. You just be yourself. Yeah. Yeah, you ever meet, like, a 9-to-5 guy

who just goes into an office every day and yeah you can see the pain in his eyes yeah it's crazy dude yeah and you riff with these guys and to them it's like the craziest thing ever you know you make one of those guys laugh and they're like it comes out of them it's kind of scary you make one weather joke dude oh my god bro it's crazy you know if it's like cold out and you're like sunny in 75 like they're just dying they're gonna pull your pants down your wife's cheating on you it's wild man i have to tell you sir your wife's getting her back blown out i feel like i've been

like uh almost like disrespecting those guys though man yeah because i just don't have like the time you know it's just like i don't have time for this man you know yeah like i know what you're gonna say about the weather yeah you're just cutting them off what do you mean disrespecting them we're just like not giving them like the empathy that they deserve they deserve it's so funny like you know you're deserve empathy, but you're not giving it to them. They're always just saying boring shit. It's like, you can't tell them they're boring. You know what I mean?

Yeah. So then they kind of see it in your eyes. You're like, not interested in talking. Yes. And then they're like, oh, fuck that guy, dude. Yeah. And it's also, it's also when you've been the funny guy once and they want you to do it again, or they coming to you for that?

And you're like, no, I'm just trying to get through the day. And they go. Yeah. Is that like what your role is kind of? Every office I've been at is usually I'm just there for a little bit of levity. What type of jokes are you cracking though, dude? Go ahead and roll the tape. I have tape for you.

I don't know. I'm just silly. I'm good in the slack what does that mean the slack the you know the like some offices do like outlook or like you know like a group oh chatting thing the message thing yeah yeah oh bro i'm throwing gifts in there for real yeah and i'll remember details too like uh you know somebody somebody will tell me like oh they don't eat fish they're grossed out by it and then somebody months, months later, I went on a fishing trip. I'm like, don't show Carol.

Oh, shit. So you're doing callbacks. I'm doing callbacks. Damn, dude. Yeah. I'm doing. Do you have any memes in your collection? Yeah, I'll throw some memes out there.

Oh, yeah. Another hit. Always fun. You on a Zoom call with somebody? Yeah. You screenshot their window so like i'll screenshot you and then i'll put that as the background and you don't say anything an all-timer oh shit it's always getting a laugh damn yeah dude i'll do it i and people respect

it when you do it to higher ups i'll do it to ce CEO. Oh, wow. Do you think it's a confidence thing? Like, you just got to be, like, confident with it? I think so. Because if you're, like, panting, sweating. Panicking. And then you do it, and then you undo it right away. You're like, what? No, I think it's a confidence thing for sure.

Yeah. You ever have, like, any random thoughts, though? You get kind of bored with that shit, and you're like, spice it up a little bit? Yeah, I'll throw a filter in there. Sunglass filter. And I'll do random shit. i'll do like pikachu yeah you know yeah man one time uh dude i like um i work for a mortgage company and they took me into this conference room and they were like showing me how the sales dudes make calls so these dudes are like making live calls to like uh like brokerage firms and shit yeah and it's just like the gayest shit ever they're like hey what's up my name's like so and so i'm

calling from so and so yeah i'm trying to sell you so and so yeah and all i could think was like dude just going up to like one of their ears like while they're on their phone just screaming like vagina dude yeah like Ha! Yeah. Like, help! And that's like what my thoughts are, man. I hear that. That would be awesome. In the office. Bro, he's got this thing and you're like, come back to bed.

Stop. You're working so hard. Yeah, I did like a little orgasm sound. Oh. I did that for a while, man. It got people pissed off. What? At work you were doing that?

Just in general, in day to day life I would sneak up behind people And just be like Then they would see me And be like Dude you never fucking talk to us You're just doing the bus sound It's all you have man

It's all you have is the bus Yeah But whatever dude Switch it up You do a guy busting Yeah I feel like it's gotta be like Organic though You know what I mean? Yeah I But whatever, dude. Switch it up. You do a guy busting. Yeah. I feel like it's got to be like organic though.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I don't think you can force it. Yeah. You have to do some research, man. You got to A, B, J. Dude, you know what I used to do, dude, with my Asian friend? We would hop in his Mazda and we would get super stoned. And we would go through the McDonald's drive-thru,

and he had a subwoofer system, and we would just play hardcore porn. And we would just keep a straight face, dude. So you go up to the window, and they go, how can I help you? And then you just play. Well, it's playing while we're ordering. And I've been thinking about doing that, like, one more time before Before I pass away I think you should do it at least once That would be cool to do as like an 80 year old Oh buddy

The stuff you can get away with if you're like visibly older Is awesome When I was a kid I was at the library one time And it was in the computer section This old guy with a ponytail came He pulled out one of those Old Acer laptops The other ones with the clit Yeah. And it was in the computer section. This old guy with a ponytail came. He pulled out one of those old Acer laptops.

Yeah. You know the ones with the clit on it? Clit? It's got, instead of like the trackpad, it had this little thing that you move the mouse and it literally looked like a clit. For real? Yeah. It's like a rubber thing in the center of the thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. And so he had one of those, pulls it out, starts watching porn. Loud. Yeah. And so he had one of those, pulls it out, starts watching porn. Loud. Yeah. No headphones. Maybe doing this for like maybe a minute. No headphones? And I was so excited.

Yeah. Because I hadn't really seen it yet. Yeah. So I was like trying to get a peek of it, and I kept seeing. And he couldn't care that I was there or anyone else was there. And then someone ran out. Like a minute later, two librarians came in, and they were like, Ron, we told you to stop.

This is your third and final warning. And then people are like freaking out. And he's like, I'm sorry, guys. It's just so much fun. Dude, this was down south, dude. Yeah. Oh, man. He was in his defense.

It is fun. Yeah. But you can't be doing it. Dude, that guy is for sure a sex offender now. Yeah. I mean, he certainly is. You ever follow up with him, dude? No.

I wish I knew what Ron was up to. Ron, if you're a fan of the Johnny Slumby pod, please blink the line. Yeah. Shout out Ron, dude. Yeah. I hope he's doing all right, man. Yeah. That's crazy. Bro, no headphones.

That's insane. No headphones. Just pulling it man. Yeah. That's crazy. Bro, no headphones. That's insane. No headphones. Just pulling it out. Yeah. And, you know, they said it was his third and final warning. So he's done this twice before. He's coming back, dude. And so clearly he doesn't have Wi-Fi at the crib.

Yeah. He's pulling his Wi-Fi just to get his rocks off, dude. You think it's a Wi-Fi issue or you think he's just like living for the thrill of it? You know, he's like he's got he doesn't have much going on yeah you know what you're probably right because that's got to be a thrill dude yeah it's probably like the wife's gone was he like straight faced do you think he like actually like felt something i don't know because he wasn't like he didn't even touch himself or even get to that point. He just put the laptop down. Yeah. And he opened it.

And he'd do the old guy thing where they type like this. Like, you know, like they have the glasses here and they're typing like above. And he was literally just like looking it up. And then a video started going in like probably 30 seconds later. Somebody was in there. I mean, dude, the fact that he's that old, though, he kind of sounds like a legend, man. He was actually. That's why I didn't feel scared.

You know, as a kid, you don't even know what something is that you can feel like threatened by it. Yeah. It was like a dude who looked like fucking Steven Seagal. Yeah, kind of. I'd fucking sprint out. Yeah. It's like a 90 year old guy. He just like doesn't know where he is.

You know what I mean? Yeah. He looked like he was wearing like a white shirt and a sweater vest and some khakis. He didn't look threatening. He didn't have a trench coat on. There was no vibe of he's going to do something. Did you feel any trauma? You felt like maybe he was traumatized at all?

No. Trauma from him or trauma in that moment? Did you feel like he was dealing with some trauma? Not that he was just horny. He's a legend then dude yeah yeah you know yeah i didn't see a lot of like him trying to run away from something yeah because dude i've seen like old people make mistakes before yeah and they're just like nonchalant about it but it's like dude when i'm old if i fuck something up dude i'm just like

taking it out on everyone yeah you know what i mean like what what do you mean because like dude a lot of old people get like scammed nowadays. Oh, yeah. They're super gullible, especially like finance scams, dude. AI is fucking a mess. I used to work at a bank and this guy, this guy comes in, he's like fucking 80 years old. Yeah. He's like, my son's in jail.

I have to wire money to get him out. Yeah. And I'm like, dude, your son's not in jail. Yeah. He's fine. It's a scam. And he's like, no, I need you to send the money. And I was like, I'm not sending the money.

And he was like, let me talk to your manager. I'm like, all right, fine. Yeah. Talks to my manager. My manager's like, dude, don't send the money. Like, he's not. Yeah. And he wouldn't listen to us.

He was like, you're sending the money. I'll deal with the repercussions or whatever. What? This guy's like old as fuck. Like, he doesn't even know where he is really. Oh, no, dude. Dude, so I send the money. I wire the money.

It's like legitimately $30,000. I send a legit wire transfer. This guy comes in fucking like two weeks later and just done. Like his life's over. He's like freaking out. He's like, that's all the money I had for retirement. Oh my God.

I'm like, dude, we told you. He's like, I's all the money I had for retirement. Oh, my God. I'm like, dude, we told you. He's like, I know you guys told me. But it's like, dude, if I got scammed like that, like, I'm driving through something. Yeah, I'm buying a gun. Like, dude, all your life savings is gone. So he didn't think to call his son? Like, why he not just pick up the phone and be like. Because he thought his son was in jail and didn't have access to a phone.

So this guy's like talking to me. He's like, Hey, listen, if you want to see your son again, also what, you know how insane a crime you have to commit for your bill to be 30 K. Yeah.

You have to like blow something up for For your bail to be set at 30k Yeah I don't even know man I just felt like Like I felt bad But it was like He just kept like insisting And I'm like He's like we gotta send

30,000 dollars over These fucking scammers are good dude That's a good scam That's not a bad scam though No that's a smart scam Especially if you can find an old person With a son Ah with a

And a son who Who has maybe some history Of being a lone Badass little guy. How would you scam a little person, bro? How would I? Yeah, let's say you only had to get $2,000 off somebody. Dude, I'd probably go back to my childhood neighborhood.

Just start knocking on old people's doors who I used to hate. Yeah, yeah. And I think I would just sell them. I would tell them i work for a construction company see if they were looking to get some work done okay that's smart and then i'd be like hey listen like you gotta put a deposit down of like 5k so i can like buy the materials and shit yeah and then i would just fucking drive through their house dude with the car you know how confusing that would be why even do that because dude then i would drive through their house and then i would use the money that they gave me to like fix the shit so you didn't scam anything

they would be they would be so confused that they would just pass away. So not only did you not net the money, you just killed old people and did some construction. I wouldn't kill them, dude. I would just do enough damage to keep them alive, but keep them confused. I was just telling them it's a demolition. Just drive like a Honda Odyssey through their house at like 2 in the morning. It'd be funny to like go over there and be like, hey, we found like oil under your house.

And we'll give you some money to get out of here. And we're going to have to demo it and they're like oh okay and then you do the demo with Honda Accord you just keep driving into the house they're like okay we'll be out of here you keep going around the block we have to get our stuff out

and you're like yeah sure why is guns and roses playing We have to get our stuff out And you're like yeah sure Why is Guns N' Roses playing Why is Guns N' Roses playing Why is that guy smoking a big cigar While he hits our ass Why does that guy have a boner Come here I've always thought about that

Like I think if I'm gonna go out, if I know I'm going to pass away. Yeah. And I have, like, a bucket list, dude. Like, number one is going to be driving through a house. Yeah. Ever since I saw Talladega Nights, dude. Oh, that was a good scene. Such a good scene, dude.

So that put it in your head that you're like, let me do that. Because, like, everybody was always like, dude, if you drive through a house, you're not going to make it through the house. But that gave me hope. That you could do it? Yeah. You could do it, bro. Dude, it's funny driving into a house but driving through a house. Like keeping your foot

on the gas until you're all the the way through the funniest part of that and then just different yeah you're right you can leave you've gone through the house yeah i think the funniest part of that is the aftermath where you're looking at the house and like two halves of it look totally normal and then through the middle it's just chaos and like tire marks there's something so funny though about like not giving up on the pedal yeah i mean like dude i got in a car accident once i was with like my friend and his dad and dude he had like a little sister bro they picked me up from like uh college to like go grab some food or whatever just to like catch up dude and we're like literally at a stop sign this fucking car behind us fucking rear ends

us dude and i was like holy shit fucking like snaps my neck dude and this lady for some reason just kept her foot on the pedal what just pushing you yeah and then we turn around and it's like some fucking fat mom with like her fat kid and we're And we're, like, what the fuck's going on? Like, this isn't, like, we thought it was, like, a gangbang or something. Yeah. You know, like, we're about to get, like, fucking shot up. Yeah, by the Latin Kings or something. But, yeah, I guess this lady was just, like, yeah, I was so scared.

Like, I couldn't take my foot off the pedal. Oh, so she hit you guys by accident and then just kept her foot there? I have no idea. Dude, she literally, like, just wasn't paying attention to the point where, she rear-ended us like full speed like we were completely out of stop but dude the randomness of it was funny because it was like this woman rear-ended us for no like we're at a complete stop there's no there's no distractions rear-ends us and then just keeps her foot on the gas and dude she wouldn't get out of the car like the cops came and like like they told us like they were like she's so scared she's like uh she won't get out of the car

oh no yeah it's one of those things where it's like all right just exchange information and get the fuck out damn yeah so she was just freaking out back there that's horrifying bro but i was kind of trying not to laugh when she had her foot on the gas now that's because like i'm like i'm like yo what the fuck's going on yeah i mean like you're like dude what the fuck that's funny you know what i mean yeah it's it's funny to to be here and then all the little uh versions of her in her head are like yeah i don't know yeah it's like someone farting at a funeral you're like dude don't fucking laugh right now you know well it's also funny for you because you have nothing you don't have to deal with the repercussions of the car yeah you just got to see

this lady for it was funny dude because it was actually a rental car too oh yeah the rental company just comes out what the fuck yeah it sounds like something you'd make up. Yeah. Some lady just fucking rear-ended us and wouldn't stop. And wouldn't stop. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think I've ever been rear-ended like that. Yeah. Why did you grow up in Georgia your whole life?

No. I was born in India. We lived outside. We moved to Chicago when I was seven years old. Outside of Chicago. And then we moved to Georgia when I was in high school. Why'd you move? My dad. Really?

He had a software job, so he moved all over the place. Did you get bullied a lot growing up or no? Yeah, bullied a little bit. I was always really tiny, and I wanted to play sports and, you know, it just comes with the territory, you know, getting bullied a little bit. Did you try? Yeah, I was good. Eventually played football in high school and still playing middle school in high school

and grew. And then you can just be buff in high school football and height won't matter until a certain point. So eventually it was fine like in high school i was socially more adept and all that stuff but for a while i was just a little tiny awkward guy yeah did you get upset with like bigger dudes like you get like um like short man syndrome or like no you know what happened was we the neighborhood we grew up in outside of Chicago was like all black Mexican kids. And the currency, social currency, was making fun of people. I thought you were going to say tacos.

Well, that's a beef, right? Mexicans and blacks. They fucking ate each other, right? Yeah, probably in certain neighborhoods. In ours, everyone was pretty, you know, getting along. Yeah. I know some homies, dude, who when they see a taco stand, dude, they're fucking pissed. Yeah, they don't like that? Yeah.

They go, fuck that? Yeah. Damn, dude. It's like a real beef, dude. Yeah. You don't believe me, dude. Just get a Costco membership, dude. They're in there arguing. You'll see a real beef, dude. Yeah. You don't believe me, dude. Just get a Costco membership, dude. You'll see

all the beef, man. You'll see all the carne asada. I see a lot of shit, man. Yeah, I don't know. For us, we were also like kids, you know, like in middle school and stuff. Yeah, the social currency was carne asada. And

but yeah, it was just kind of making fun of people and then i just started to do that and be funny and then yeah eventually i made a lot more friends like in middle school when you played football did you like um was that like a stress reliever for you yeah for sure and i also just loved watching it and then playing it i was like wow yeah yeah i mean i've been dealing with that shit for a long time, dude. Because, like, when you play sports and stuff, you can, like, legally, like, assault someone. Yes. And I can't do that anymore, dude. So it's just like whenever I get mad, I'm just like.

I mean, the gym helps, dude, but at a certain point, you're like, dude, I want to fucking punch someone in the face, you know? Yeah, you want to. The good thing about, like, football, rugby, it's, it's legalized violence. Yeah, man, you just feel so good afterwards. And that feeling, you know you're never going to have that again. Why don't you play rugby now? There's a league around here or something? No.

Because I would get hurt, dude. Yeah. I'm already fucking sore as fuck all the time. Banged up. Because I go to the gym every day, dude. I'm like never taking breaks. And like my body's like already taking a toll. Why?

Why? You gotta take a break. Yeah. But I'm not even scared of that, dude. Like I'm not scared of getting hurt. I'm just scared of like getting my fucking head. Yeah. Fucked.

You know? Yeah. You don't want to die. Because you see some of those guys that keep playing and you're like, dude, holy shit. They like forget stuff. I had a coach who would like forget stuff all the time i know you should have like fucking mush brain yeah and talking to them you go you're like processing things like like a windows vista you know it's really sad man yeah makes you think

about like the nfl and shit too i know dude it makes you go like every time i see one of those guys that retires and it's, like, very sharp on camera now, and they're, like, doing the post-game stuff, I go, wow. Either it hasn't clicked in yet or you didn't get hit for real because this is an anomaly. You know, like, Luke Kuechly? Yeah, what happened to him?

For the Panthers, dude. Yeah. Dude, I remember him getting a concussion, like, in a game. Yep. And they weren't supposed to show it but they showed him on the cart getting carted off bro and he's like in tears and he just like doesn't know where he is oh god that was like holy fuck man yeah you could tell like he was like i'm fucking done with this dude yeah you know yeah dude he's like so he was like

such a smart player dude like he was like you know they do like nfl top 100 yeah like every single team was just like talking about how he like knew the plays before they even came wow he's like such a smart player dude and just to think about the fact that like if he kept playing he probably just would have fucking like skyrocketed he's gotten like fucking mush brain dude yeah you know yeah dude and the crazy thing with football is like you do have to be smart to play it. Like out of all of the games, there's the most pre game stuff you need to do. Like baseball, basketball,

they're not like looking at the other team's playbook and watching as much film. Yeah. You, there's so many coverages and reads and formations. You got to like memorize. Yeah. I think baseball and like,

um, yeah, baseball and fucking basketball i think they just get like a pre-game uh report yeah where it's like this guy does that yeah and everybody kind of like knows what you're doing yes but like football dude it's just like there's like a even playing madden you can get overwhelmed yeah i'm like what the fuck and that's like a a sliver of what actually goes into yeah it's crazy dude And then those guys that are basically memorizing a book every time they go out there are the most susceptible to becoming.

Yeah. Mush brains. Yeah. And like an instant. Yeah. It's so crazy, bro. It's wild, bro. And it's just like, I don't know, man.

It's like, what do you even do? Yeah. You can't just, nobody's going to fucking get rid of football. It's not going anywhere. Yeah. And you can't like nobody's gonna fucking get rid of football it's you know it's not going anywhere yeah and you can't like people they're trying to make it softer and it's like people are like yo fuck that like it's you know yeah but even even like the the precautions they're taking now like you can't go helmet to helmet anymore do you think that actually like in the long run stops people from getting concussed?

I doubt it. Like, I think you are, you know, taking that part of the game out. Like, you can't go helmet to helmet, which is good. But I think people are still getting concussions. For sure. I agree with, like, some. I don't agree with the quarterback shit. Yeah, that you can't hit him for real.

You can't touch the quarterback, dude. It's like. I know. But it's like, how are you supposed to go that fast against, like, a. And then stop. A 350-pound lineman who's, like, 6'7". Yeah. And then once you get to the quarterback, just, like, slow down.

Yeah. And they, like, know you're going to slow down. And they're, like, fucking huge nowadays. Yeah. They just, like, stiff arm you. And I don't agree with that. But, dude, if you're going up the middle. Yeah.

It's like, dude, fuck. I'm not a big fan of, like, the whole. Like, if you hit someone with their fucking crown dude yeah oh yeah that's crazy yeah it's fucking wild bro yeah dude i remember and in high school the rules are still loose and because there's no instant replay and stuff you know you can kind of get away with murder there yeah and i remember one guy we had a really talented guy um in freshman year and he was very good and he got hit he was running a slant down the middle of the field and then linebacker hit him with this crown like right here oh shit and like lifted him up uh-huh and uh he never came back i was like there was yeah it was such a before and after situation. Before, I was fully convinced that he could go play college ball somewhere.

Oh, fuck. And then he got hit so hard that he was like, nah, I'm going to go see what basketball is like. Fuck, man. Let me go give that a shot. Yeah, and rugby, dude, when you do a kickoff. Yeah, that's craziness. When the ball's in the air, you're supposed to jump up in the air.

Yeah. Because if you're in the air, no one can hit you. It's a rule oh that's good so there was a kid on my team bro and we're like we're on a kickoff like we're receiving whatever we're like telling him to jump because he's not like he's like you can tell he doesn't know the fuck he's doing like make sure you fucking jump when you catch this dude he doesn't jump and gets fucking leveled and he's just like laying there and he's not moving and like the ambulance came and shit and he got taken away dude and we were like uh a few days later we're like do what happened and shit and he was like dude i was internally bleeding oh my god and they were like they were just like he was just like yeah like if i moved like if i kept playing

like i would have like passed away. Oh, my God. I was just like, dude, what the fuck, man? You know? He was internally bleeding like his organs were fucked up? Yeah, he was like literally internally bleeding. So if he kept playing, he just would have gotten like so many blood clots and shit that he would have just fucking passed away. God damn.

Yeah. That was like one of the, that wasn't like the worst thing I've seen. I saw a dude broke his femur, and that was... Oh, that's the most pain the human body can feel. Yeah. Like, dude, there's like, where I went to high school, there was like the varsity was on the top field, and we were on the... I was like a freshman, dude. We were on the bottom field, and you could hear the femur snap, bro. And we were like, yo, did a fucking tree just fall? But this dude got so fucked up, man. He so much pain bro oh my god of course that's the

thickest bone we have yeah dude how did you say he was on the varsity field and you just heard it yeah so he was like um i think he went to get like pick the ball up and he was on both knees and then someone tabletopped him so his femur fucking snapped. But dude, this kid took my fucking bus. Like he lived down the road from me. And bro, he was out of school for a long time. Of course. And he got addicted to pain meds. Oh no.

And he just like fucking, I think after that he had a child and like, yeah, man, his whole life just went like, you know. Whoa, dude. Because I can't even imagine the amount of fucking you know shit he was on like pain meds like the dose did you need yeah especially to get your femur back like usually it's like a back thing and you can get hooked on pain meds also what year was this like you oh you think it was like during like the fucking big pharma shit i think so probably right yeah because that shit just ended yeah like the they were probably dosing them up dude yeah they're probably dosing them up this is probably 2010 2011 that was during the uh opioid crisis brother yeah i mean it's still happening but you're

talking about like with like purdue farm and all that shit yeah the sacklers and uh the nasty work i think they're still i mean dude even like if i go to the ER now, they're going to be like, yo, do you want fucking morphine? Yeah, dude. I'm like, no. They'll take one look at you and be like, this guy would love morphine. It's fucked, dude. Yeah. I bet it feels amazing, though.

If you're like in constant pain, you'd take a little morph. Dude, I heard it's like one of the best feelings in the world. Yeah, you'd probably feel like a fucking transformer dude yeah i don't know i've never had it and i don't want to try it because i just know i'll just be like addicted man you know you have an addictive personality i mean the shit like that i can only imagine yeah it's probably gonna be like doing cocaine or like heroin or something you're just hooked man yeah you know it's it's gotta feel like um you know like when you wake up earlier than your alarm yeah and you're like oh i got another three hours slipping back into that sleep is probably what's slipping into the yeah

um you feel like you're slipping into like a warm tub yeah just like you feel like warm and safe yeah a vagina of a full body slipping into a vagina yeah sliding in no literally like a fucking human size vajayjay dude yeah just a full sleeping or maybe like a small like treehouse size yeah yeah yeah yeah you're just climbing in no no resistance you're just just like you know you're safe in there you're safe in there nothing can bother you dude it feels like the womb probably yeah when you're back that warm feeling dude you just feel warm. Nothing can bother you, dude. It feels like the womb probably. Yeah. When you're back. That warm feeling, dude, where you just feel like nurtured. Yeah.

Like you're home and you're not hungry. Somebody comes by like maybe once a week or so just to like trim the hedges, but that's it, dude. Just to trim the hedges and go, hey man, just a new magazine. Yeah. Sports Illustrated. Just keep doing what you're doing, dude. Just keep doing what you're doing.

That's probably what it feels like. Yeah. Too bedridden. Just slamming oxys. Yeah. yeah god it's only getting worse dude yeah it's only getting worse yeah we do get phone calls i forgot oh really you don't mind taking a few yeah let's take some see what we got here dude these are pretty retarded by the way so just letting you know is it is it your callers yeah okay you're like your fans that's cool hey john i just wondered if uh like have you ever been

pantsed before like i like i don't know if it's irrational or not, but I kind of have an irrational fear of being pantsed. I just wondered if, like, you've ever been the recipient of pantsing before. Yeah. That's a good question, dude. That's a great question. Now, I got to ask. I mean, we can't really get in touch with this guy, huh? No.

I mean, we have his phone number, so. I got to know. I want to know why he's like, does he work at a school or something? I mean, maybe he has like a small cock or something. He's just wearing it in general. I mean, dude, if I wasn't like chubbed up a little bit, I would be fucking murderously scared of getting pantsed. Yeah. If I had a micro dong. Yeah.

That would be tough, brother. Dude, I don't remember, like, all the details, man. But I do remember when I was younger being a part of the Boys and Girls Club community. We'd go on a summer camp there, dude, and they would take us on a trip to, like, the high school swimming pool. Yeah. And I remember being in the locker room with all the boys, dude. Yeah. And I remember having, like, a raging boner for some reason

No way And dude, this kid pulled my pants down No And I was just facing everyone, dude Huge Rock hard? Rock hard, dude How old?

I was probably like eight or nine, maybe Oh, man You know? I don't know what I was thinking about, though, dude And did they make funnier eight or nine young they might not even make funnier then yeah no they did they did but i just dude i always try to think like why was i hard dude you know yeah could have been the grass dude could have been like i mean we went there with a few you know we went there with

like the chicks and stuff. Could have been that. Or, dude, I could have just been gay, man. Could have been gay. Could have grown out of it. Yeah. Or could be under the surface still. I just try my best, man. I'm like, why, dude? Like, why was I hard?

But see, you can't be doing that because eight or nine, even now, I'll get a random one. Yeah. So it could have just been the hormones. I was really young, though. And I was so young that I can't remember it vividly I just remember this kid pointing at my boner dude And just laughing his ass off dude Wow and you know what

He was kind of a sicko too Because he noticed it Yeah And then he pulled the pants down Yeah if I could go back I'd just be like what are you gay dude Oh dude you You throw the uno reverse down at that point

I think his head would have exploded For sure yeah I just don't think you had the Social stuff in the back yeah in the in the equipment belt yeah i didn't learn chess yeah that's a that's a chess move dude to get a full erection in like a boy's locker room and call everyone gay yeah that is incorrect that is yeah it's next level shit man that's uh you know truly diabolical dude that not at all yeah in tax books, dude. Not at all. Yeah.

You'd be a James Bond villain if you knew how to do that early. Oh, my God, dude. You'd grow up to be some sort. You'd be like... Fucking Tom Hanks in the Da Vinci Code, dude. Yeah, dude. You'd be cracking codes. You'd be able to walk into any room and assess the weak points like Jason Bourne.

Yeah. Yeah, dude. But that's good that you didn't know how to do that. Have you ever been pantsed or no? I think in middle school we had a field day and there's this guy named Connor Sullivan. I'll name drop him. He was kind of a rascal and he would be tabletopping people and pantsing people.

And he pantsed me and then right he was just going down the line and he pantsed me and then a girl. Wow. And I don't know if he realized what he was doing because it was field day so everyone had shorts on. They had their gym clothes on. And he pantsed a girl. Wow. And I don't know if he realized what he was doing because it was field day, so everyone had shorts on. They had their gym clothes on.

And he pinched the girl. And the teachers were letting it rock when it was dudes. I thought it was funny. It was the end of school year. Then he hit the girl with it. Are we talking just to your underwear, or did he pull down the underwear, too? I mean, he was grabbing and pulling,

so if you had boxers on that were loose enough, I mean, we were seeing butts. I mean, most people were like, they knew he was grabbing and pulling. So if you had boxers on that were loose enough, I mean, we were seeing butts. I mean, most people were like, they knew he was a little fucker. So most people were like wary of it. And so he wasn't really getting anything. Mine, I think it came down to here and my boxers were there. But I don't even think anyone had time to notice slash care because he pantsed a girl. I think Caitlin something.

And she was kind of a shy, quiet person. It's not uh she was kind of a shy quiet person it's not like she was one of his friends either sexual assault yes he kind of assaulted this girl yeah and uh teachers were letting her rock when it was dudes but uh he you know he hit that girl with it and uh hammer came down yeah that's fuck that guy sounds fox man yeah he was kind of he's kind of a dirty dirty little guy yeah but yeah he was kind of a dirty little guy. But yeah, they sent him into a classroom by himself, and he was in there. I don't know what happened to the guy, probably. Dude, I was watching some fucking crime show, but it took place in London and shit.

And they don't carry around weapons or anything. No, they don't have any. Yeah. And they don't carry around weapons or anything. No, they don't have any. Yeah. So it was a pretty cool show, man. But this guy was kind of being like a dick father or whatever. And he was the coach of a soccer team. And one of the moms pantsed him during a game. And I, dude, it was like it had been so long since I had seen that happen.

Yeah. Like someone get pantsed. And I couldn't stop laughing, dude. It's funny. It's like something you haven't seen in a while, man, you know? Yeah. If I got pantsed now, I think I'd laugh, bro. For sure, yeah. Unless people saw my winky. Dude, when I was

in middle school, I played basketball. And they had a cheerleading squad. And they would be on the court, like a section of the court. They wouldn't be on the court, but they'd be like right there watching the game, cheering us on, dude. And after the games, we were always in the same like a section of the court yeah like it would be on the court but they'd be like right there watching the game cheering us on dude yeah and after the games we were always in the same like we were always in the gym you know like talking and shit and i remember i went behind this kid and pulled down dude he was wearing a wife beater like a tight wife beater and then his shorts and i pulled down his shorts and his underwear in front of the whole cheerleading squad

dude what the hell johnny everyone was dude. What the hell, Johnny? And everyone was like, yo, what the fuck? So they saw it? Yeah, and this guy was, like, huge, dude. Oh, so they saw his? Yeah, they saw his piece, dude. And he started chasing after me, dude. And, like, bent me over and started smacking me in the face, like, in front of, like, the, like, in front of families, dude.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Well, he deserved it. But it was such a good pants, dude. Yeah. I got all of it and he was wearing a wife beater so you could see like

cock and balls, dude. Yeah, you deserved it, brother. For sure, yeah. No, I'm just saying I got him good, dude. Huh? What's that guy have to do now? I think he killed himself, dude.

Whenever you're like, oh yeah, no, after that game, he killed himself. himself started drinking on the couch dude he was like i can't do this anymore dude all right damn dude um dude i appreciate you for coming dude oh yeah great yeah this was so much fun this is fun man that was easy easiest podcast ever it flies by dude my goodness flies by when you're having fun dude yeah brother um yeah man if you don't mind sharing your uh your social media with the people dude like anything you got coming up shanak g on instagram uh i'm in cincinnati this weekend and then chicago and minneapolis uh in the middle of this month you want to come see a show please yeah dude i will be uh i'm actually headlining for

the first time next week dude congrats where at in uh rhode island hometown where i'm from dude so my goodness it's gonna be emotional man you know that is cool homecoming game it's a big deal dude i've never headlined before so it'll be like how long are you doing just 30 maybe like a little more that's beautiful brother that's all i have dude that's great where are you headlining uh it's called the hide speakeasy nice it's in uh yeah just like a little speakeasy room but it's like it's a good time man dude i'll probably bomb dude it'll be so funny no you'll be all right you're fast i'd never seen you go up but on saturday you had a monster set you put the heat heat on me. Really? Well, I was like, usually, you know, I feel good about following anyone.

Bro, you put the heat on me for fucking pronouncing your name. That was my little revenge. No, dude, you had a great set, and I had to be like, all right, let me lock in. Yeah, that's what you need, though, dude. Absolutely. That's what you want. We're brothers, dude. Yeah, that's what you want.

Yeah, I think you'll be fine. Take your time when you're up there. Especially because these are people that have seen you before. Oh, no. It'll be all randoms. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, that's the best.

I hate those people. Unless people come out, but nobody's going to come out, dude. You don't think so? Yeah, it's going to be all random people. That's the best. Which I enjoy, dude, because it's less pressure. I truly get so freaked out

seeing anyone I know from my real life in the audience. A few months ago, I was on stage, and I saw a whole row of my high school friends at a show. They didn't tell me they were coming. They know some of your jokes already? No, they'd never seen me. I started at the end of college, so they've never seen me.

They just knew I did stand-up. They were in town for the reunion. I didn't go to the reunion because I didn't even know it was happening. They were at the comedy club, all of them in one row, and I had a moment of pure terror. Really? I was like, uh, uh, uh. Were you watching them during your set?

Yeah, and after after that it's all i could think about were they laughing or no they were they were thankfully into it and they were drunk so they're having a good time yeah but there was a true moment of like oh i know that face oh my god i know that face and then the whole row and i looked back at the tape and you can see my eyes when i notice them and it's oh man it's, I'm the only one that notices like a killer. Dude. It's an unreal feeling, man.

It's a horrible feeling. Oh, but I, I'm glad you won't have to deal with that. Hopefully. Yeah. I don't. Yeah.

I hope it, I mean, I'm hopefully people come out, but if they don't, man, it's all the power in the world to me, dude. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Well, you'll be great, dude. Take your time. Have fun. Fuck. Yeah,

dude. Thank you for coming, man. Oh my God. Thank you guys for listening. Fuck. Anytime.