The Johnny Salami Podcast - Shyam Subramanian

Episode Date: October 15, 2023

Shyam Subramanian by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. I'll watch porn right in front of you. You would watch gay porn in front of me, dude? No, that I wouldn't do.

That's gross. Go to hell for that. Did you and your boys growing up, like, did you watch of me, dude? No, that I wouldn't do. That's gross. Go to hell for that. Did you and your boys growing up, did you watch porn a lot together? No. I did. No. I can probably count on my right hand how many times I've watched porn with my boys. Yeah.

That was a rare occurrence in my field. Wait, in your field? Field of what? Field of dreams. Wait, really? Because you strike me as a guy that would watch a lot of porn with all your friends. Well, when I was a dude in middle school, I met this kid

who ended up being my best friend. Through porn? Nice, nice. What points are you guys together? Dude, the first day we met, we like hit it off because we both fucked with sports and stuff. And I was like bro like

come over my crib like you know i gotta watch porn i didn't tell him what we're gonna do oh so oh you but you knew over so you but you knew in the back of your mind you're like i'm good this is okay oh yeah okay i was like dude i'm gonna show this guy what's good you know yeah yeah yeah kind of like dommer yeah yeah it was i mean it was probably worse yeah in some ways it is worse but go ahead uh i whipped out uh just the fan it was on the family computer man yeah dell computer and i was like yo watch this shit nice nice and it was dude it was just uh it was like an angelina jolie look like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah some chicken like plowed and i was like have you ever seen this before

we were in middle school so he was like no obviously yeah yeah yeah yeah see i honestly thought you were gonna tell me like you know it was like a horse fucking angelina jolie or some shit like that like like Mr. Hands or something? I don't know. I could see you being some weird shit. In a good way, though. Oh, no. Surprisingly, no, man. I'm not really into like.

Really? I'm into gang bangs. Really? Yeah. It's not that weird, man. No, I know. But I usually watch it first thing in the morning. That's a good song.

You know that song, dude? I don't, but it sounds like a good song. It's just, it's Big Sean. Okay, yeah. Over and over. but it sounds like a good song. It's just, uh, it's Big Sean. Okay, yeah. And over and over he just goes, money hoes. Like most rap songs. Oh, like every other

rap song I've ever heard in my entire life. I love them all, though. I could see you, dude, I'm gonna send you The uh Like the link to that song Please please I'll listen to it Before I go on stage

You listen to rap That's all I Pretty much listen to Rap hip hop Dude you with a straight face Just listen Oh yeah One of the funniest things

Why do you say that I listen to Young Jeezy All the time I swear to god Trap or die son All I listen to Young Jeezy all the time. I swear to God, Trap or Die, son. All I listen to is music about selling cocaine. Just you pulling up to like a Shell gas station.

Yeah, I've done that before. Blasting fucking... Like a 98 Honda Accord. Yes, yes. With subwoofers that are like 10 grand. I'm Puerto Rican sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just roll down the windows. Like smoke comes flying out.

For sure. For sure. For sure. Yeah, I tried to be ghetto and stone them, but yeah. Whatever. Oh, that's where you're from? Stone them? Yeah.

Where's that? In Massachusetts. Oh, really? Yeah. Do you feel like you put on for your city? I mean. Or do you have like a bad verse? When you put it like your city? I mean... When you put it like that, it makes my skin crawl. But, I mean, I like Stoneham.

Stoneham's fine. Yeah. I mean, whatever. I've never been, dude. I mean, there's no need to go. I mean, there's a zoo there. It seems like you have, like, traumatic... No, no.

It's just a fucking... It's just another suburban white town. Where are you from? Rhode Island? Yeah, Rhode Island. What town? Cumberland. Probably the same fucking thing. you from? Rhode Island? Yeah, Rhode Island. What town? Cumberland. Probably the same fucking thing.

Same thing, you think? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, some of them are a little different. Maybe they say the N-word a little bit more where you're from because Stoneham's kind of educated. Yeah, so you were pretty bored most of the time? Me, personally, no, because my family's retarded. So I wasn't bored. And I played sports and shit.

You were playing sports a lot. What type of stuff did you do outside of sports? Like, what were you? Shit. I used to watch wrestling a lot when I was a kid. You a big wrestling guy? I used to be a huge wrestling guy. Yeah, I spent a lot of time watching.

I burned a lot of brain cells watching The Undertaker's entrance from age four to... The Undertaker's your favorite wrestler? He's one of them, actually. I love The Undertaker, but I hate Mark Calloway. He's the most boring fucking guy. I fucking hate him. You never meet your heroes, even though you've never met him. You ever get a little hard watching wrestling? I have before, but not...

It's usually because I'm touching myself. You know what I mean? It's not in a gay way. No, no, no, no, no. Well, I remember the first time I masturbated, which was actually kind of late. I think it was like middle school. I was like pretty late. I was a late bloomer.

Wow. And I masturbated to a female wrestler. Wow. On national television? Yeah, yeah, it was live. It was live. No, I think i went on the wwf website after they had like pictures because i was always very afraid to watch porn on my on my computer because like if it like i was such an idiot if it like froze or something i didn't know

how to like control alt delete or anything yeah and if my parents ever found that it would just be like a fucking nightmare if anyone ever saw my Google history. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What do you search? Just like whatever I'm thinking.

Dude, the other day I literally searched where I search dude getting blowjob while woman takes a shit. Like I wanted to see if there was like a... I don't think I've met anybody weirder than me. It's fucking up my ego. Dude, because... So you like two girls, one cup?

No, because someone asked me what a blumpkin was they were like oh is there like a reverse version so i was like i was like i gotta do my research that's fair that's fair you're a scientist yeah yeah just being honest with the boys dude that's fair that's totally fair that's totally But, dude, someone told me that you were like a stud athlete, bro. And I laughed for like 40 minutes. Dude, I literally could not. Someone was like, dude, Sean was like an all-state quarterback. No, no, I was not an all.

Wait, who said that? I think Alan. That's fucking hilarious. I did play quarterback. You started? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucking sick, dude. Yeah.

Did you play football? Yeah. What'd you play? Why are you laughing? It's a normal question. Where or what? What did you play? I was just a lineman, dude.

It was super boring, man. Yeah. I know. Yeah. I wish I, dude, I fucking wish I played quarterback, man. I bet you're a coach's dream, dude. No. No?

No? I could see you just fucking mulling people over and i mean like a machine yeah really quiet though like no leadership skills yeah that's but i like those guys dude i hated the fucking guys who are rah-rah and shit like i would be sometimes rah-rah but like most like i mean i played in college too that was worse oh so you were like fucking nasty then no i, I was okay. No, no, no. I was just... No, college...

Dude, Division III, it's fucking... Yeah, but you played... No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was on the team. Yeah, I was, like, the team mascot. Fuck, man. Yeah. You know, I took pride in being the only Indian kid in the entire league.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Dude, I didn't say... I didn't speak at all, really, until we did senior speeches. Yeah. And i let everything out and people dude people's brains were blowing up like i think like three kids had like a legit aneurysm why what did you say uh i think the first thing i said i was like yeah i was spanking last night are you being dead serious are you being dead serious 100 Wait, wait, wait. Are you being dead serious? 100% serious. Wait, wait.

So it's like the burning of the boot or whatever. Is that what you guys did? It was the night before the... The last game, right? The Thanksgiving game. The Thanksgiving game. Yeah, you all gather around and all the seniors talk. And what was the first thing you said?

I said, so... With a straight face. I said, so I was spanking laughing. Dude, people were like... People's eyes started twitching and shit. It was wild, man. Dude, people were like, people's eyes started like twitching and shit. Like it was wild, man. What did the coaches say? One of them laughed.

I remember one of them laughing and I remember one of them just being like really disturbed. You know what I mean? Tell me the whole speech. I remember the beginning of it. I said I was spanking last night and then I realized I have to write this speech. I have to write this speech. I said a bunch of really immature things, man. I talked about what I learned in high school and stuff.

Really? I was like, yeah. So you started off by saying I was spanking, and then you said I said some really immature stuff? Dude, it was, I'm not bragging, dude, but people were like, that was one of the greatest speeches I've heard. Nobody ever said that. I don't believe you.

I know, I know. I got booed, but dude, whatever. But, okay, all right. So then it got serious. So then you got serious. I don't know, man. Ied, but dude, whatever. But, okay, all right. So then it got serious. So then you got serious. I don't know, man. I can't remember the ending. But yeah, man, that was like the most I ever talked.

And then there was one time, dude, I remember. You remember double sessions? Did you have double sessions, dude? Yeah, dude, we had triples before. What? Like the middle session would be like film. Yeah, because you're older, dude. So that must have been

legal back yeah yeah yeah and i remember uh really quiet kid man but we were all hanging out in like our like this type of material gear like for the team and uh dude i fucking we were all laying down some kids were sleeping dude and i farted and uh one of the coaches was walking by dude yeah and i just remember him looking like trying not to laugh like one of the coaches was walking by dude yeah and i just remember him looking like trying not to laugh like one of the best moments of my life you know i 100 knew you were gonna say that you farted like there was nothing else that was gonna come out of your mouth dude if i look back man like i don't think i could have made a better exit you know what i mean yeah like that's how i want to be remembered that That's fair, man. That's good. You know what I mean? That's good. I respect that.

How do you think people remember you, dude? I was, like, a really hard worker and shit. What? So I regret some of it, yeah. Yeah. So if you go back, you, like, you know. I'd be cooler, yeah. I would have smoked weed and shit.

Oh, you weren't even smoking weed? No, no. I just started smoking weed until college. Yeah. Damn, so you, like, aged backwards. Yeah, I'm like uh benjamin button yeah yeah dude i think bollywood button what if i could go back man i would have done like way worse shit yeah yeah for sure if you think about high school like it's like dude come on oh dude especially

back then i mean for me too because i'm how old are you 27 yes i'm gonna be 35 so like for us like it was kind of like fair game on like a lot of different fucking things like I mean I mean all the slurs you could think of were tossed around constantly like you know I got called the n-word all the time wow yeah yeah yeah so like in the cafeteria and like an open field

uh never once on the court once that was fun that was actually really fun. Once actually after college at my buddy's party in Gloucester one time this dude called me a towel head.

I was like, dude, it's 2017. I'm a militant Syrian. You're a refugee, dude. Yeah, exactly. I need help. I blow up your shit. I blow up your shit 16 years ago. That's old news, fucker. You get over it, man.

Seriously. Did you do anything? That was it? You were just like, come on, man. What the fuck? What do you mean? What happened? Nothing. He didn't say it to my face. He said it impassively.

I've never gotten mad Over like the slur shit Because most I have to say like 80% of the time 80-90% of the time It's been like either kids trying to joke with me Or they just don't know How to like perceive me Or they're like are you Puerto Rican

Are you fucking Arab What the fuck I've gotten Puerto Rican, Dominican perceive me are they like are you puerto rican are you fucking arab are you suited what the fuck like are you puerto rican i've gotten puerto rican dominican you know obviously everything middle eastern arab all that bullshit what is what is an arab uh they're disgusting cigarette sellers like do you know you see you see john there's this company called 7-Eleven. Yeah, anybody Arabic? So, like, I mean, I'm not the one to start going to educate. I'm not.

Do the Indians and the Arabs have, like, beef? No, Indians and Pakistanis have beef. Okay. Because Pakistan used to be part of India until all this time. Fuck, man. Now you guys are just like a little fucking until old as time. Fuck, man. Now you guys are just like a little fucking pussy crack? Yeah. Well, yeah.

Muslims and Hindus hate each other. Okay. Which one are you, dude? I'm Hindu. Oh, man. That's sick, dude. I don't even know what that means. Basically, I worship gods with their tits out.

Really? I mean, if you pull up Hindu goddesses, yeah. They have tits? Of course. Wow. Of course. Indian men are horny. Can you convert?

What? Can I convert? In the words of my father, you have to be a born Hindu. Oh, fuck, man. I mean, maybe. Right out of the womb, they're like, fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got to come from a vagina that was raped on a bus. You're not kidding. Yeah, no, no. My mother, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to come from a vagina that was raped on a bus. You're not kidding. Yeah, no, no. My mother. No, I'm kidding. No, my mother was raped, but they did have an arranged marriage. Yeah, isn't there like that Hindu dude who kind of looks like you, who's always on like Joe Rogan and stuff?

He's like, if you want to fucking, like, he always says like peaceful shit. Oh, the fucking, I think I know what you're talking was he on the also did you ever watch that psychedelic documentary on netflix was he on that shit too i only watched like five minutes of that to be honest okay okay all right i think i know what you're talking about i don't know the name though yeah yeah dude when he speaks man i like get a little hard like it's wild man yeah yeah yeah he'll say things i'm like whoa dude yeah you know i could see you saying that while watching that yeah yeah i've been getting into the fucking war movies though dude yeah uh you have netflix and shit

yeah bro what was it called uh there's a new one uh it's called outpost yeah it's uh from like 2008 uh u.s troops were like literally in this outpost in the middle of afghanistan bro oh like right in the middle of the mountains i do love the war movies with the with the middle east it's it's nice seeing those towel heads get shot yeah it's so confusing though why because they just put an outpost in the like so the mountains are surrounding the outpost yeah so like they have the high ground and the whole movie is them just shooting down on U.S. troops. Jesus Christ. Like, bro, whose fucking plan was this? Yeah, seriously.

Yeah, even, dude, if I was in the fucking Taliban, I'd be having, like, a ball, man. Oh, no, I'd be drinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't even have to, like, aim when you shoot. And you don't have to kill yourself, either. You don't have to blow yourself up. They can just shoot for once. They're like, my God.

I mean, who cares, man? Dude, speaking of which, though, have you ever seen Buried? Is that a porno? No. You know what, John? You might be on to something. Dude, Buried is with Ryan Reynolds. The whole movie is him in a casket.

So basically he's like a contractor for some shit, and he gets kidnapped by the towel heads, and they put him in a casket, and they bury him six feet, so he still has cell phone reception. And it's just literally him in a casket for like an hour and a half. It's actually... I've seen it once. casket for like an hour and a half it's actually but i saw i've seen it once i liked it i bet if i saw it again i would hate it yeah dude i love when like i love when the average dude explains a movie why why it's like yeah dude

there was like these fucking people man and uh fucking dude call me an average dude huh i gotta blow this place up now It's just Like I do it too I'll like try to explain a movie And then I'll forget what I'm talking about Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, man Some shit fucking blew up

Yeah, yeah There was some fucking people That looked like me And you know They were selling sandwiches And you got all those like Cinematic fucking boners With like

Talking about shadows and stuff If I get passionate about a movie I could explain it well I feel like But Like what type of movie? Probably Training Day Actually Actually, no, I wouldn't be able to. Never mind. I'd be like, dude, it's a

fucking dirty cop. It's Denzel. Yeah, I mean, dude, I listened to there's a SoundCloud remix and the beginning is Denzel and Training Day. Really? Like when he's in the neighborhood and they're surrounding him. Yeah, yeah. Like that's the beginning and then it merges into Till I Collapse.

That's... I think I've heard that. That's fucking sick. Oh, dude, I'll start shadowboxing, like, my own ass. It's fucking... Dude, it's... Yeah, get you amped. Yeah.

Shadowboxing my own ass. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Hold on. Who are you sexting, dude? I'm working on some fantasies. Mad disrespectful, dude. I know, I know.

My bad. Fuck, bro. That was terrible. You just broke my heart, dude. No, I really do take that back. I just thought it was something else. Mad disrespectful. It. I know, I know. My bad. Fuck, bro. That was terrible. You just broke my heart, dude. No, I really do take that back. I just thought it was something else. Mad disrespectful. It was very disrespectful, especially because I'm brown and you're white.

Yeah, dude. I would fucking hate you, man. I should be cleaning your sandals right now. Dude, have you ever been to a shooting range at all? Dude, yes. I've been twice. I went with my dad in Austin. It was fucking sick, dude.

Really? Yeah. Are there any here? I haven't done any research. Are you a gun guy? I mean, I was just going to do it on fucking sick. Really? Yeah. Are there any here? I haven't done any research. Are you a gun guy? I mean, I was just going to do it in the road. What? Just do it in the backyard.

Wait, do you have guns? No, dude. Oh, really? Dude, you want to hear something crazy? Dude, so Dave and I move here, right? It's like one of the first few months we're here. And I'm at Mike's Wicked Late, like contemplating the meaning of life. Yeah, of course. And I walk in the house at like 1130 at night.

And I just see a bullet case on the table. And I read it and it says 50 Cal bullets, dude. So literally like, dude, I'm like shaking. In here? Yeah, dude, I'm about to like legit shit my pants, dude. So literally, like, dude, I'm, like, shaking. Like, I'm about to. In here? Yeah, dude, I'm about to, like, legit shit my pants, dude. Yeah. I thought someone was pointing a sniper at me, dude.

Yeah. Dude, so I'm, like, Googling 50 Cal bullets. Yeah. Like, what the fuck? Wait, wait, wait. Who? Dude. So you found 50 Cal bullets in your kitchen right here?

Yeah, and I text Dave, and I go, yo, why are there 50 cow bullets on the table? And he goes, dude, my comedy, like my jokes are in there. Oh, so you didn't open the box. No. I thought it was going to like blow up or something, dude. I'm not taking that chance. Yeah, you thought the bullets were going to blow up. I feel you on that.

Yeah, I guess I would have thought the same thing. You ever felt that? Like a sniper's pointed at you? Imagine that. I had a gun go off in a house before. My cousin's.357 Magnum went off. We were fucking around with it. It was fully loaded.

Were you drunk? No. I was doing a bunch of coke that night. I was like, dude, break out the gun. Break out the gun. And it was fully loaded. And I was fucking looking down the barrel of it. And yeah, I'm like,

I'll never forget. I'm like, dude, because he's like, dude, it's fully loaded. He's like, even if you pull the trigger, it won't go off. I'm like, dude, that makes no sense. He goes, watch. Because the safety was off. I'm like, dude, if the safety sense. He goes, watch. He goes, because the safety was off. I'm like, dude, if the safety's off, it's going to go off. He goes, no, watch because I didn't screw this

fucking thing in, whatever the fuck, and he claps the chamber back on, he points it right at the fucking window, pulls the trigger, it was fucking boom. Dude, I felt like that scene from Saving Private Ryan. You just hear the fucking, and then all of a sudden the glass just fucking shatters, dude. And dude, luckily nobody called the fucking, and then all of a sudden, the glass just fucking shatters, dude.

And, dude, luckily, nobody called the cops. And then I literally went and did another line. And, yeah. And then he had to go to Home Depot. The fact that you're that guy who's like, dude, let's take out the guy. If that ever happened when I was fucked up, I'd be like, I'm dipping, boys. Like, I'm out, dude. I'm not even, even if it's not loaded, I'm like, I I'm dipping, boys. I'm out, dude. I'm not even... Even if it's

not loaded, I'm like, I gotta go. I feel you. Yeah, yeah. I'll sleep in my fucking car, dude. No, that's the first and the only time I've ever touched a gun since that is when I took my dad to the range. I've pretty much sworn off guns because, like, yeah. Yeah, dude, I'll see people, like, who I follow on Instagram, man,

and they'll be at the range with, like, fucking M16s i mean i would like to shoot that one time but yeah but it's like you know if it's like your own personal gun it's like dude what are you doing i dude i don't know what the fuck is the point i mean yeah we're down a rabbit hole of whatever no we're not gonna get into it but yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah although i wouldn't mind going to a Walmart. Getting some free shit, if you know what I mean. You think you'd snag an automatic rifle from Walmart?

Do they sell them? I think in down south they do. They definitely do at Dick's. Really? Yeah, they sell guns at Dick's. I thought they only sold hunting rifles. Oh, really? Whatever. They're all the same to me.

That'd be so funny if you went to Dick's Sporting Goods. Guns are like minorities to me. They're all the same to me. Dude, if you went to a local Dick's... To get a sporting gun? You were like, yeah, I'm looking for, like, an AK-47. Dude, I did see one in Austin at the gun range. It's fucking...

I was like, I should buy this. Just have a $6,000 gun sitting in my house, not know how to use it. It'd be awesome. Yeah, dude, you with a gun is fucking scarring, dude. I would shit my pants, dude. Why do you say that, Salami? Dude, I'm just saying, man. You call me a crazy guy?

You look like somebody who would be, like, experienced with it. You know what I mean? Really? I'm not. I'm actually you look like somebody who would have an ak-47 but instead you would like throw a frag yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and there'd be no bullets in the ak either it'd just be purely for show it would be like a like a dollar tree yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and the frag would be like like a Molotov cocktail in like a wine bottle. Like, you know what I mean?

Yeah. Homemade, baby. Like a... You're so high. You have like a plastic AK, like a hollowed out dildo. And a shield. A trash can lid is a shield. It's body armor.

I mean, dude, if you could go out like one way, though, like if you knew it was over and you were like, listen, like I've lived a long life, you know, I'm probably gonna like jump off the building. No, no, not like suicide. Oh, crime. Like, what do you think? Oh, a crime. I don't know if I'd want to murder somebody.

Yeah, I feel like that's the easy answer. I feel like, man, I don't know if I'd want to murder somebody. Yeah. I feel like that's the easy answer. I feel like, man, I don't know, a crime? I don't know. I guess the top two would be rape or murder, right? I mean, I'm just assuming. If I'm not saying I would, I'm just saying most, if you ask most. For me, that's a great fucking question, Salami.

What would I want to do as my last hurrah? I don't know, man. I'm surprised you don't have these thoughts more regularly, dude. I think about other shit like, why are Bret Hart's tights so pink? Shit like that. Important stuff, you know? All right, you know what? Okay.

You know what? I'd kill a politician. Dude, that's a good one. I'd kill a politician. Yeah. Which one do you think you'd kill? Okay. You know what? I'd kill a politician. Dude, that's a good one. I'd kill a politician. Yeah. Which one do you think you'd kill? I don't know. I love Trump.

I would never vote for him, but I love him. Yeah. I wouldn't kill, like, a president. No, it would have to be, like, maybe I would kill Modi, the fucking Indian guy.ian guy yeah yeah because a lot of people hate him it'd have to be somebody that like everybody like universities like this guy's a fucking scumbag i'd like to do some good when i go out you know what i mean that's a good way to go out man and when you kill a politician too it sends a message you're a martyr you know i mean dude i feel like you'd be a hero to a lot of people yeah i kind of already feel like a lot of them aren't

dying enough. They don't. I forget who else talked. Oh, yeah, we talked about this the other day. We were talking about Gabby Giffords. Yeah, Dave brought up. Yeah, somebody needs to kill. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like they used to die all the time.

Yeah, that's true. That's true. People used to get assassinated. Yeah, security stepped up now. I thought for sure Trump was going to, somebody was going to try to assassinate him. But that's why liberals are such pussies. You know what I mean? somebody was going to try to assassinate him, but that's why liberals are such pussies. Like, you know what I mean? They wouldn't even try to assassinate him,

but that's why conservatives, you know, they'll assassinate. Yeah, we need to spice it up a little bit, man. Yeah. That would be a good way to go out though, dude. Yeah, yeah. If you're really like, you know. Kill a politician.

I'm actually proud of myself for that one. If you have nothing to lose, dude, you know, why aren't more people doing that? Yeah, if you're. If you know you're worthless and just like... Yeah, that's a good point. If you're suicidal, go kill a politician and then bang one

off in your head. Fuck, man. We gotta go to a town council meeting or something. I know, I know. Yeah, yeah. That'll go over well. If I knew... You walk in with a Johnny Salami podcast t-shirt, I'll walk in with this. We'd like to talk about... We'd like to talk about politicians dying.

Well, the thing is, you gotta record it. Yeah, true, true. And then send it off somewhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With a drone so that it goes into Egypt or something. Fuck, man. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Then they would start to recruit me.

Yeah. Yeah, there was a dude in my hometown. I don't know if he was just sick of his wife or something, dude, but... He shot her? I mean, pretty close, man. Oh, really? I was just kidding. There's not a lot of crime in Rhode Island in general.

And long story short, man, he shot a propane tank in his basement and blew up the house while his wife was in the house. Are you serious? Yeah, 100%. Like on purpose? He just sat in front of the... So he killed himself? Yeah, dude, you can't shoot a propane tank by accident.

Yeah, I guess... Dude, what if there was a propane tank on the other side of my cousin's house where we shot? Oh, yeah. Why would the fuck would there be a propane tank in the fucking wall? Who knows, man? We're Indians. We're people, you know?

Yeah, maybe if you hit, like, a generator or something. But, dude, there's propane. You can put a propane tank wherever you want. Yeah, I guess if you're at, like, a fucking barbecue. I'm just trying to poke holes. This kid's trying to solve the case. So he shot a propane tank to kill his wife. To kill himself and his wife.

Why would he want to kill himself and his wife? Just kill yourself. I don't know, man. Maybe he was just sick of her, dude. That's true. He obviously wanted to go out, though, with both of them in mind. Yeah, and he feels like, dude, let's kill two birds with one stone. Yeah, yeah.

Let's wrap this up, dude. And he did not succeed? Dude, the house blew up. Oh, so he did succeed? Yeah. There was a massive explosion. Dude. Wow.

Can you imagine where you're from, like suburbia, like you're driving down the road one day, and you just see a house blow up? Well, where I'm a lot of explosion i'm just kidding no no yeah that's insane wait you you drove by this fucking house no no no but i'm just saying like if i was to like dude i was how far was i was from where you lived probably 10 minutes maybe really i drove dude the reason i got brought up was because i was super stoned with my buddy and he was like dude you know that guy blew up his fucking house and I immediately started like laughing my ass off so I thought he was just like shooting the shit yeah no dude it's like legit like and then uh he told me the story and like I looked into it and like it actually happened so holy shit man I kind of want to look what can I I want to save this one I want to read the story

yeah what what is it I would have to dig deep to find that one. What's the name? Cumberland. Just like what? Cumberland, man. Cumberland, Rhode Island. Like house explosion, maybe. You're going to jerk off to it later, dude.

I just want to know the guy's business. Yeah. One month ago. Oh, back in 08? Maybe. North businessman shot wife dead before torching house. Wow. Well, no offense.

That's how white people do it, man. Yeah. No offense. Have you ever seen the movie Armageddon, dude? I've never seen it, but I know what movie you're talking about. You have to see it. Bruce Willis? You got to see it, man.

Why? Isn't it like a love movie? Yeah, but dude, still, man. This was Ben Affleck, dude. Really? Yeah, it's one of the best movies of see it, man. Why? Isn't it like a love movie? Yeah, but dude, still, man. This was Ben Affleck, dude. Really? Yeah, it's one of the best movies of all time, dude. One of the best movies of all time? Hold me on that, dude. Alright, I'll check it out. But Bruce Willis in the movie with

Ben Affleck, they work on an oil rig. They work on an oil rig together. Dude, imagine shooting one of those. Oh my god, that'd be fucking insane. Dude, those things explode like once every ten years. Have you researched that? I mean, dude, there was like that huge oil leak. You remember that?

No, I don't watch a lot of news and shit. You're not watching Fox News? No. I mean, I watch my dad watch it. I mean, I don't watch news at all either, but it was kind of like just like... Kind of like if you're living under a rock yeah yeah yeah i miss when they talk about like the ocean being polluted they always talk about like the huge oil leak i remember the the bp oil leak from like eight years ago yeah that's what i'm talking about oh that's the one you're talking about oh i

thought there was like another yeah the fucking rig like exploded yeah yeah yeah can you imagine like seeing that dude it's ridiculous well it's one of those explosions where like it explodes and then it explodes again and you're just like when is it gonna stop like what's going on yeah yeah yeah it's such a waste of oil too that's really the first thing i think about it's like that's such a waste of oil like were you're were you born in fucking what in a fucking hut is that what you wanted? Yeah, I was born on the side of a road. Were you born where there's a lot of oil? No, I'm Indian. You guys don't have any oil over there?

No, no, no. Dude, you're lying, bro. I swear to God, it's the Middle East that has oil. Yeah. You're fucking lying. I swear to God. India doesn't have any oil. India has spices and shit like that.

Where is India like In between In between it's more towards the bottom Of Asia really Yeah Damn so you can just go there Seriously Can I buy like a Spirit Airlines ticket there.

Not a Spirit, but yeah, you can British Airways. Does Spirit fly over? It doesn't. I don't think so. The planes would have to break. There's no way of Spirit. I mean, it's 18 hours to get there. Oof.

You ever go there? Yeah, I've been there like 10 times. Fuck, man. I haven't been in a while. I want to go again, but. When you go there, are you like, yo, what's up, my boys? No, no. When I go there, it's a fucking, I'm like yo what's up my boys no no when i go there

it's a fucking i'm like what yuck i'm like it fucking stinks here but i love it too you know yeah so you feel like you're better than everyone there uh i don't feel like i'm better but uh it's just fucking i don't know it's hot there's so many fucking people it's like if you think new york's crowded like it's not india's fucking it's like, if you think New York's crowded, like, it's not. Yeah, India's fucking crazy. It's not. Like, it's just, like, it's not even close to what India is. Yeah.

What are they doing out there, though, dude? Like, when you go. They're just fucking, dude. Really? I mean, yeah. Yeah. A billion people. They gotta be, right?

No, I mean, it's crazy how life does work there. Like, how everything, like, sustains itself. Yeah. Because it's, like, it's chaos. But, like, people get along. Like, people, like, get through their shit. I mean, there's chaos. But people get along. People get through their shit. There's so many poor people. There's eight poor people to one every middle class person, basically.

And they're all on the side of the road. There must be a lot of fucking and not a lot of dying, though. Yeah. Well, no, there's a lot of dying, too, in droves. But a lot of fucking, too. They're really just not pulling out. That's what's happening. Pretty much.

You must not have birth control out there, dude. One would guess in a country full of billion people, yeah, there's not much birth control. Damn, dude. Well, anytime there's a lot of poor people, there's going to be more fucking. You think so? Yeah.

Pretty absurd way for me to say it, but. Yeah, I've never thought of it that way, dude. Yeah. Yeah, it's like, dude, if you don't pull out, like, you're going to be homeless. That's why I always pull out. Yeah. Damn. Dude, how do you feel about moving here, though, dude?

I mean, I just got here Sunday. It's been pretty cool so far. You seem pretty calm, dude. Like, I'm pretty impressed with your performance so far, man. Why? I mean, dude, you've been to a few shows already. Like, you're already kind of like submerged in the i mean it's just you know i'm i'm a neurotic and anxious guy so i think like sometimes i feel like you know when you get when you build it up in your

head and then like you just like then you just do it like oh this isn't that big a deal like it's like whatever and like i've been at it now for like six years too so i'm like weathered and shit so were you having thoughts in boston where you were like fuck man like i got to get out of here it's not that i was just like i don't know man like there's no like who knows what the fucking right decision is but i was just saying boston i love boston i love it you know i got to do all the shows it was great and it and it's awesome. But, like, yeah, I felt a little like I just wanted something else. And, I mean, Boston's always my home and shit, but, like, I don't. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I don't think there's any right or wrong path.

I just, I also, like, a bunch of my friends are here. And, like, I also, like, my parents don't live in Massachusetts anymore either. Oh, really? Yeah, they moved from Mass to Texas. Oh, why? So, because because i don't know my dad's a fucking republican uh no no that's not why but a number of different reasons but so like i really don't have any other than my cousin i don't really have no family massachusetts

left i have like no really deep roots there anymore so yeah for me i'm like all right well might as well i've never lived out of the state anywhere else. And I, you know, so I want to do something new. Damn, dude. And obviously, like, this is where, I mean, you know, the comedy is going to be hard. But, I mean, I don't know. Yeah, I mean, dude, if I'm being honest with you, man, I think comedy in Boston is, like, a lot harder than. Really? I do believe that.

Interesting. Yeah, man, I've seen people go, like, I'll do, like, a guest spot at Nick's or something. Yeah. And a few of the times I've seen like new york comics there and they're like dude is this club like you know hard and i'm like yeah like it's oh yeah nix is one of the i mean it's i'm like yeah it's like one of the hardest clubs in the nation yeah oh like my boys told me it's like super easy and then they'll go up and like eat oh dude i dude, I've eaten so many fucking dicks. Oh, yeah, we all have, dude.

Oh, God. Yeah, man. I do feel like Boston. Because the thing about here, dude, is like people aren't even from here. You know what I mean? Yeah. When you go to shows, people are like, oh, I'm from here, here, here. Right.

But, dude, if you're doing a show for like people who actually live here, bro, it is the worst experience. What, in New York? Yeah, I mean, from my experiences, man. Like how so? I mean, just like, I think people from here are like really angry, dude. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very territorial, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fair, fair, fair.

So. That'd be awesome. I'd like to try that. I mean, I can hook you up with some shows if you want to try it. That would be awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fair, fair, fair. So. That'd be awesome. I'd like to try that. I mean, I can hook you up with some shows if you want to try it. That would be awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll just. You'll literally be like, yo.

I'll scream in their face, say some. Yeah, some of the longest nights of my life. Really? Yeah. That's awesome. Shows where it's like, people don't know there's a comedy show. Oh. And the person who books it like works as a waiter there.

And she's like waiting tables while the show's going on. Oh. And the stage isn't a stage there's just a mic and it's like you're standing next to the entrance so people are like walking by you dude that's awesome yeah it's like shit you'd see in like the movies yeah yeah yeah so dude those nights i was like what the fuck's going on yeah then you realize like oh these people live like two houses, they've lived here their whole life. Like, they don't, you know. But if you go to, like, an actual comedy club, it's like you meet people who are like, yeah, we're just, like, visiting, like, you know.

Right, right, right. And they just get barfed in. Well, that same thing, it's the same thing that happens in Boston. If you do, like, a local bar show, right? Like, and it's, like, people that are from fucking, you know, like, you know, Quincy or whatever. It's bound to be, like, a shittish. Like, I feel like that's going to be the you know, like, you know, Quincy or what it's bound to be like a shitty. Like, I feel like that's going to be the same weather. Like, you know what I mean?

Like how many depends Rhode Island to. Yeah, exactly. Maybe it's like a Manhattan thing versus like the outskirts. Sure. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, man. But yeah, man. I mean, it's yeah, it's been fun so far and fucking it's cool. My place is cool. I got a really good deal on a place. I couldn't pass it up. Yeah. Yeah. That's fucking sick, man. Dude. I got a really good deal on a place. I couldn't pass it up, you know?

Yeah. That's fucking sick, man. Dude, I'm happy to have you here, bro. Dude, I'm happy to be here, bro. I think you're going to fucking crush it, dude. I really do. I mean, I'm not going to take compliments, but I appreciate it.

Yeah, well, people are more like cultured here, dude. That doesn't do well for me. I think it's going to. Hopefully. It's going to be either really good or really bad. You know what I mean? That's what I expect. That's what I expect.

But, dude, yeah, man, I went on a date. Nice transition. Oh, you'll see where this goes, dude. Okay, all right. But, no, I was going to ask you, man, like, are you thinking about having about having like kids or anything Or no? Maybe when I'm like

Cause I know you're hitting the strip club hard dude Yeah yeah I am a strip club guy I'm a big strip club guy I might end up like one of those guys Oh dude I love the strip club bro I fucking Yeah like 2 Chainz says When I die bury me inside the booty club dog Fuck Fuck yeah dude I told my friends like Yeah, like 2 Chainz says, when I die, bury me inside the booty club, dog.

Fuck. Fuck, yeah, dude. I told my friends, like, if I die before, because I'm going to get cremated, if I die before them, sprinkle some ashes at one of our favorite strip clubs that we go to in Boston. Wow. Yeah. Damn. Which one is that? Glass Slipper.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. Is that like a fucking, is it like a dive bar that just turns into like. Honestly, basically. Like, it's basically that. But like, it's, I, I've just had my, I mean, I've had my penis touched there. I've like, I went there when I was like 23 coming out of college, me and my friends. And we would just go there pretty much. I mean, I remember for six months straight, we went every weekend.

Yeah. And we would spend like, you know, four or five hundred dollars every weekend. Wow, man. Every night, yeah. Holy shit, dude. Not every night, but like, yeah. But, yeah, I don't know what it is. I just like being around naked women.

Yeah. I mean, it's just easier that way. Do you feel like there's a connection between you guys? No. Oh, yeah. I'm not one of those guys. I mean, I'm one of those guys. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm pretty sure I've been to a strip club before, and I've been like, I'm not like the other guys, right? Dude. Dude. Dude, this girl literally got probably like $300 off me. Yeah. Because she like convinced me that I was like a good guy. Yeah. She was like, no, no, no.

Those other guys are creeps. Like you're the one. I was like, damn. Like, all right. I was like, that that's gonna be like 200 dollars for that compliment it was so sad man my buddy did the same thing it's hard i'll say this it's hard because like i'm so horny sometimes if i go there like so it's hard when like a girl is just like sitting on your lap like grinding it's like i just it's like it's like a fucking it's like a massage thing it's hard when a girl is just sitting on your lap, grinding. It's like a massage thing. It's like, yeah, I'm just feeding the fucking machine.

The jukebox. That's all it is to me. No offense, ladies. Not that I view you as jukeboxes. Very hot jukeboxes. So, I mean, it's easy for me to blow through 200 bucks In like half an hour Because I'm just like fucking tossing ones I used to work for Bank of America

Like right out of college And I wanted to make like a really good impression with these guys And they invited me out dude And they were like big strip club guys So we ended up going to this strip club dude And I had never been before And I told the guys that And they're like dude we'll show you the way they're like, dude, we'll show you the way.

And I was like, okay. Dude, I'll show you the way. Go ahead. But, dude, we're in the front row, like, right next to the stage, and there's this chick with, like, dude, she's got, like, it looked like she had raisins, like, stapled on her ass.

Okay. Okay. I like this. It's, like, my type of girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, dude, this is already the best day of my life. That was it? This guy, he was just like, yo,

throw her a little bit of change and give her a good old smack, dude. No idea what that meant, bro, so I just took out a 20, threw it at her, and I just hit her in the, threw it at her, and I just smacked her. Just hit her in the face? I just punched her in the face because if it was a dollar, I would have smacked her ass, but for 20, I get to punch you in the face, right?

Dude, I just threw a fucking uppercut. Wait, so you just smacked her ass without asking her? Dude, I smacked her ass, like, way too hard. Really? Yeah. Did she get pissed? No. Really? But, dude, get pissed? No. Really?

But, dude, the fact that I threw a 20. Yeah, that's true. You look like a god. They were like, dude, you know, they're like, that's a huge rookie mistake. Yeah, it is. Because they don't pay attention to like what bills you're throwing. They don't. They don't.

They don't. They don't. They really care about the, you know, the quantity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right. How often is this dude shredding it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. These chicks don't even know how to count.

Dude, I did that when I was in Vegas, but I just got way too excited. Instead of ones, I was throwing fives. It was just fucking so stupid. How do you feel when your boys are around you, though, and some chicks being sexual with you? Do you feel like you're letting the boys... I feel like the man.

I feel like fucking fellas. Look at this big swinging fucking cock. Really? It depends. If we were out together and some chick just started like... Like a strip club chick? No, I wouldn't give a fuck about a strip club chick. I'm just saying, if you and I were together,

we're talking like boys. Yeah. Would you say we're talking like boys, dude. Yeah, I was just on the... Would you say we're talking like boys in the hood? Is that what you just said? Okay, continue. Like some hot chick walks up to you and flicks your nuts, dude, and tells you to spit in her face. Are you going to just do it?

Yep. Not even going to think twice about it. Okay. I'm the type of guy, like... I was with my Asian friend once at a party This was during college We were hanging out And we were having an intimate conversation An intimate conversation?

Just boys to boys About our childhood and shit And this chick Just walked up to my boy and started making out with him That's awesome And I left. Why'd you leave? I didn't know what to do, man.

Oh, I would have just sat there and watched. I felt like I was in the way and like I just felt kind of like, you know. Fuck yeah, you're in the way. Well, I also felt like I was letting my boy down, you know, because I wasn't getting made out with. Oh. So I felt like it was my job to like. To like give him the space. Not only to give him the space, but to like.

Make out with somebody. Imagine you start making out with the wall i just started making out with him yeah man it's uh dude the other dude when i was in providence like a few years ago man uh we were we were out wicked late like probably like two in the morning and like not a lot to open man you know and i'm walking around with my boys dude and this guy you can tell he's like the owner of the strip club he's standing outside and he's trying to like bark dudes in he's like yo ultimate pussy bro that's the best fucking some greaseball Italian yeah dude federal hill motherfucker

he just looked like the Michelin man dude yeah yeah yeah he was like yo pussy buffet boys and we were all like yeah

that's basically how they barked me in New Orleans I mean they didn't even have to bark me and I was just looking for strip clubs yeah I was like

but we were like all amped up dude and we went in and like dude I'm a boss by Rick Ross was like blasting. Like the whole place is shaking, dude. And then you started to slowly realize the vibes that it's like not really a strip club.

And you're like, oh, why? What was it? Like, dude, this chick would be like, she came to me. She was a stripper. Like she came up to me and she's like, do you want to dance? And I was like, all right, sure. And dude, she just like grinded on me like at the bar. Like literally like dry humped me for like, I swear to God, like 15 seconds.

And she was like, all right, that's 40 bucks. And I was just like, what the fuck's going on? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's just like a hustler's club. Yeah. Which I like those too. Yeah.

But I've also been to places where chicks like literally just bend over and show you like their sphincter. You're just like, can we take it slow? No, no, no, Johnny. I only got like 35 years left to live. I don't got time for this shit. What is like your ultimate like dream situation though in those situations? If you're going out like with the boys. Oh, big gang bang. Really? Yeah. yeah dude you've done big orgy oh i've oh i've i don't i i have been in a gangbang before

that's what you're asking i mean not a gang but i meant like a realistic like when you go like what's your ultimate goal oh okay oh no uh you know drinks lap day here's the thing as i when i was younger it was just like spending throwing throwing ones, getting as many lap dances as possible, seeing how far I can take it with the stripper, like, you know, as far as, like, what we can do. I mean, I've paid for sex before or whatever. But fucking... What the fuck was I going to say? Oh, but as I've gotten older, what it kind of is, is, like, I kind of, like, to me, I break it down like this, right?

There's only really one major difference. Well, there's two major differences between a regular bar that you're watching football at and a strip club. A strip club is going to be a little bit more expensive, and there's going to be naked bitches at a strip club. It's going to be a little bit more expensive. And there's going to be naked bitches at the strip club. So if I'm going to do, if I'm just going to watch football, like in Massachusetts, a place called Squire, on Sunday nights, they got the football game, the Sunday night game on. So if I have fantasy implications, why wouldn't I just go there, watch naked women and the game at the same time? You know what I mean?

Yeah, that must be like a mind fuck, though, dude. Why? I mean, dude, you're just watching, like, fucking Pat Mahomes throw for, like, a 45-yard touchdown. With some bare tits. Yeah, yeah. That's fucking. What do you think my dad came here in this country for? I feel like it's got to be, like, an emotional roller coaster, though, dude.

No, no. I think it's, like, I think it's love. Yeah. Yeah, I think it's love. Dude, that sounds like love, man. Yeah. I wanted this for you, chum. I can hear my dad say that. Oh, man, that's like love, man. Yeah. I wanted this for you, Sean. I can hear my dad say that. Oh, man.

That's like a fucking movie, dude. My dad's just with a trumpet smiling in the background. Yeah. He's like, dude, I went on a date, man, and it was so boring. Yeah. The whole time, I was like, what the fuck am I doing, dude? Why? It was just so mature, dude.

It was painfully mature, dude. Where'd you guys go? go dude we went to a bar didn't drink oh god in the back corner wait talked about work dude are you serious dude that sounds awful wait you didn't drink she didn't drink either yeah neither of us man yeah i know you don't drink right or like no i dude i would have had a drink but why didn't you just didn't want to drink man i was like so you were like all right i'm not gonna drink yeah nice nice right on live on the air huh that's your thing but dude it was the whole dude you ever have like a moment man where you just kind of reset oh yeah that's fair yeah you know like dude afterwards i was just like dude i get it now

after the date i was like i understand like why i play xbox and why i do the things i do dude you know i was like this fucking sucks yeah date yeah going out with girls like i i mean i love hitting on women and i love you know that whole game but like it's fucking exhausting dude it's so it's so fucking exhausting and it's like yeah dude sometimes i am just like what like maybe it's just worth like just like go jack off like you know i mean like it's just like fuck like how much how much more do i have to fucking entertain you like you know i mean like it's just like fuck like how much how much more do i have to fucking entertain you like you know i mean yeah dude just that like pressure of always having to be like oh yeah yeah on your game dude 100 dude i'm like i'm a fucked up person yeah you know what i mean 100 i'm not you know i'm not like a big swinging dick dude dude 100 yeah always having

to be on your game and like yeah having to look good and fucking also like keep the girl like and then we're also we're comics so we're worried about like entertaining fucking masses of people and shit like it just sounds like so much fun man to just like do comedy and just like live in titty city yeah yeah yeah vegas like as much as that sounds like fucked up it's kind of like that would be my dream i don't want that'd be one of my dreams to make it and be like have a residency in vegas and just like party in vegas and do comedy really yeah you think you'd hang on dude no i would just die there yeah i don't give a fuck i don't give a fuck. I don't give a flying fuck. She's going out. I mean, I'm 35. I'm basically 75% dead.

You have another life to live, bro. That's true. I am Hindu. Yeah, I might come back as the next Bob or something. You're going to be like 99. Yeah. You're going to be at the... Dude, that'd be sick if you're like 99 at the strip club, dude.

You'll catch me at the strip club in my last days. You think they'll let you in? Why wouldn't they? If you were 99? Why wouldn't they? You'd just get wheelchaired in. Yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. My money's good here. Yeah, that would be a sick way to go out, man. Some chick just

farts on your dick and you fucking die. Is that a fetish for you? You like chicks farting on you and shit? Nah, dude. I don't really enjoy when chicks fart, man. Really? That kind of shocks me. She's like so feminine, dude.

Yeah. I mean, dude, if some chick ripped a heater, like with a straight face, what would you do? That would be funny to me. But yeah, if some chicks like trying to be cool and she just lips like rips out like a little squeaker. Yeah. And she's already laughing about it. Yeah. It's not it's not good enough.

Yeah, that's fair. That's, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it's all about, dude, farting. That dude, honestly, man, like, I know you don't want to talk about this date, bro. No, I don't. Wait, what? Your date? No, I want to hear about your date.

Well, dude, like, dude, I was bringing heat, bro. Like, farting? Like, in front of her? Oh. What do you mean, bringing heat? I thought that's what you meant. Wait, I thought you were just ripping ass in front of her first day. Oh, you mean like lines, like talking to her.

Yeah, I'm ripping dimes, and I'm like, I don't get it. What are you saying? What are you saying to her? No, dude. Dude, the first thing I said, bro, I showed up late. Okay, that's fine. That's good. good that's good that's actually a good thing and uh i was like hey like my bad i would have taken a city bike but i didn't want to show off that's a great line did she laugh at that no dude she didn't laugh at that fuck her fuck her so that you know it's doing from the start. No, you're doing from the start.

If she doesn't laugh at that, like, come on. That's hilarious. Is that not heat? That's heat. That's heat, dude. Salami, as a guy who, like, looks to... That's a great line, man. Yeah.

Said it with a straight face, too. That's so good, dude. Bro, looked right into her eye. That's so good. Did she think you were serious? No, no. She knew it was a joke and just like yeah man she talked about looking worked and stuff and yeah man super like super pretty chick dude

yeah but just way too much dude she sent me a message after uh the date and uh she was like she just said i have no self-confidence wait what yeah dude she was like, she just said I have no self-confidence. Wait, what? Yeah, dude. She was like, she's like basically like I don't have time for someone who like doesn't have self-confidence. And I was like, I mean, I do have confidence. I'm just not like a big swinging dick. You know what I mean?

Wait a minute. She said what to you? I know, man. She texted you? Out of nowhere? No, no no no i uh well dude i would like text her and she would be like um she would say this thing that's just like hey i'm sorry i'm really busy i can't talk to you right now well that happened like twice dude so i was like all right this chick doesn't want to talk to me and then i said hey one last time and i was like are

you busy and then she was like are you mad that I've been saying, you know, that I can't talk to you. And I was like, no, I just can't tell if like you want to talk to me or not. And that's when she sent the message about the date or whatever. And she was like,

yeah, she was like for the future. Like, I think you can, uh, she was like, I hope this helps you or whatever, you know,

that is the most white woman self-righteous bullshit. Shut the fuck up. Just don't answer back. I mean, I answered. Not you, her. What is she going to get out of telling you that? Yeah, I think she wants me to be more confident moving forward. But she doesn't even fucking know you.

That's what I'm saying, dude. How do you get to know someone at a bar, bro? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, she's a fucking idiot. Yeah, you that's what i'm saying dude like how do you how do you get to know someone at a bar bro yeah yeah yeah no she's she's a fucking idiot yeah so that's what i'm saying the expectations for a dude ridiculous bro like a dude to go into a bar and just like fucking crush it it's like yeah maybe give me like six beers and i'll tell you some good stories but it's like yeah you know what i mean like dude to have that high of an expectation where she's like i need you to be like the most confident dude in the world you know what I mean? Like, dude, to have that high of an expectation where she's like, I need you to be like the most confident dude in the world. You know what I mean? It's ridiculous.

It's fucked up, man. You know? Yeah. That's why I love strip clubs. You don't need to be confident in a strip club. Yeah, dude. You literally just have to stand there. Like, literally just have to stand there.

Oh, fuck. Yeah. Like, dude, if you're going to a strip club, bro, and you're not getting a dance, like, you're a fucking loser, man. Hey, hey, hey, hey. I've had some nights. Yeah. I mean, dude. I've had some broke nights, so.

Or I've also not gotten danced because the girls were disgusting, too. That stopped you, man? Yeah. I've been to some bad ones in Florida and shit. Yeah, they used to have one in Rhode Island, bro, like down the road from me. Yes, I think I know what you're talking about. It's in Central Falls. Central Falls is disgusting.

What's the name of it? What was the name of it? Was it King's Inn? No, dude. It was a strip club that's been around for like 100 years, dude. Yeah, yeah. I know Central Falls is fucking gross. But yeah, dude, it would just be like a,

it would just be like a regular, like, restaurant and then they would just, like, turn into a strip club. Yeah, it would just be like you're a waiter. That's stripping. It would be like,

it would be like the fattest, ugliest women. Really? And that's what it was known for. Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay. So, like, these really, like, you know. I do kind of now

want to check it out just for... Yeah, I don't know if it's still around, man, you know. But, yeah, dude, it's been going on for a okay, okay. So, like, these really, like, you know. I do kind of now want to check it out just for. Yeah, I don't know if it's still around, man, you know. But, yeah, dude, it's been going on for a while, man. I wouldn't mind going in. I just kind of live, like, a mile away, so. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, you live a mile from Central Falls? Yeah, I live right on the border. And your parents still live there, obviously? In Cumberland, yeah. Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. But, like, yeah, dude, I'm not trying to go by that, you know. Well, we'll go sometime if we're ever back in the. Like, ten years from now,. But like, yeah, I'm not trying to go by that, you know. Well, we'll go sometime if we're ever back in the... Like 10 years from now, dude.

Yeah, yeah. We'll walk in. Can I see your fat waitresses, please? Yeah. All right, dude. Well, we'll wrap this up, man. All right, dude. Dude, I appreciate it.

Dude, it's been years in the making. I know, dude. I'm sorry. I'm a very scatterbrained guy. I always wanted to do it Dude, I appreciate it. Dude, there's been years in the making. I know, dude. I'm sorry. I'm a very scatterbrained guy. I always wanted to do it. I just fucking... Dude, I couldn't tell if you wanted to do it or not. No, I always wanted to do it, dude.

I'm just fucking... I'm horrible at planning. I'm fucking... I'm a monkey brain, no pun intended. So I... Yeah. I've been super confused throughout the years, man. I was like, dude, what is this guy saying, bro?

You're my homie, dude. Hell praise god dude praise god by the way i do have it why did you ask me if i wanted a monster were you like at the store i usually have like a monster on here but i've been calming it down a little bit oh okay oh so is that a part is that part of the shtick of the just gets me going a little bit okay i feel you maybe it's kind of cool when people are like yeah man I'll take a monster. You know what? I apologize, man. I apologize. I fucked it up. It's fine, man. I apologize. I'm always for the bit, you know what I mean? Yeah.

You know what? Next time, dude. Wait a couple months, have me back on. But ask me the same way. Hey, do you want a monster? I won't even ask you. I'll just bring it, dude. Go with me. Blue, please. Do you have any... Are you starting a podcast at all or no? Me, Alan, and John are looking to start one.

Dude, where's my goat? Eventually. Run it back, dude? Yeah. Just time with us three. And then... So it used to be like a legendary podcast, right, dude? Yeah.

I guess a big cult following, apparently. I do remember that, dude. Yeah. I mean, a lot of comics like because i you know i mean alan's fucking you know that'll be sick man to run it back with the boys yeah yeah yeah uh yeah so that'll give me a project and then other than that just trying to fucking get after it and you know get the fucking yeah just get after it fuck yeah man yeah dude thank you for coming man salami i appreciate you bro god is good dude god is the gods are good yeah