The Johnny Salami Podcast - Taint Returns

Episode Date: March 27, 2023

Taint Returns by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. How's that? I was born ready. Dude, I love how you said you're a morning person. Fuck.

I lied to you. Yeah, I knew you were lying on the phone. I was like, there's no way this guy wakes up early now, dude. Zero. What time are you waking up? Zero shot. For the last six months? 10 or 11 a.m. every day.

They hooked you up with, like, a place? Yeah, I mean, yeah. All expenses paid, dude? Nah, not quite like that. It wasn't glamorous. Like, we were in an airport hotel. Like, we heard, like, like 32 times a day, at least. And that was just when when we were there i wasn't there most of the day

you know what i'm saying like it was a dude yeah that was like my old place dude right by the train track you remember that fucking train would go by and like my whole place would shake oh yeah bro dude you had you had i remember was it in quincy yeah you had a fucking heart attack when that happened dude yeah it was horrifying, bro. You just feel like... Like everything just fucking... Yeah. The paintings on the wall, the fucking McLovin poster was like... Yeah, you get used to it though, dude. Yeah.

It's almost just like a part of you, man. Yeah, same with the planes, bro. We would be having a conversation and you'd just be like, We are so glad you... And you'd like start screaming over the plane to the best of your ability it's just normal yeah miami dude miami life wow yo do you get this reference life in miami no bro oh it's like a it's like a porn genre it's like a popular like you know bang bus

very familiar with bang bus yeah life in miami is like life in miami wow yeah it's true to its name dude wow yeah it is a uh it is like the most overtly sexual place yeah we should probably tell people why you were in miami before we you know. Yeah. So you were the emcee for Magic Mike. Correct. Correct. I was the emcee for Magic Mike Live. So not the movie, but there's a live show. Yeah, it's essentially a giant male strip show.

You know what I mean? A male review. Yeah. Well, let's walk through this step by step. Let's take this step by step. Yeah. Because I remember moving here, and i never even know like what you're saying what was like when we talk it's like confusion you know what i'm saying

just back and forth nonsense oh yeah yeah so like yeah so you texted me and you were like yeah dude i'm working for magic mike live and i was LOL, and you were like, no, seriously. So how does that even happen? You just get like a – Yeah, bro, it was so strange. I just got an audition. I just had an audition. My agent got me, and I went and did it in person, and I was roasting it on the way there, and I remember being like,

I don't even think I'm going to do this audition. I don't feel like doing it, but it was an in-person audition and the vast majority of them nowadays are all like self-tapes or through Zoom. So I was like, yeah, I'm just gonna go and I crushed it. I did really well and my boys started roasting me right away

and they were like, bro, you know you're gonna get the gig now and I was like, nah, bro. It was just a good exercise. It was fun and then they hit me up like two days later. Shit, was it was a tryout like a fucking denny's parking lot yeah it was a bathroom at a ruby tuesdays how does the audition it's just like a few judges no it was literally judges

like it's american idol type shit no yeah simon cowell's like you are absolutely sexy um you are gay yeah no it was uh that would be the best simon cowell yeah interpretation ever someone's just like he's like you are absolutely gay. Yeah. Dude, that would be so funny if you, like, misunderstood the audition. You just walk out there and just start jerking off, like, ten dudes. They're all, like, lined up.

I'm like, okay, I'm here for the magic mic. We gotta go. Where is all the men? It's time. Yeah. What soundtrack would, yeah, dude. Where is all the men's? It's time. Yeah. What soundtrack would you play, dude? You're just fucking... You're just taking dicks, dude.

Was that... Sandstorms? Was that Sandstorms? Was that fucking... Sound like... Sound like... Sound like fucking kickstart my heart dude That'd be a sick song

To walk out to dude That'd be pretty dope You just slide on both your knees And then they The dudes come out Like from each angle Have you ever seen someone Slide on one knee

Oh yeah for sure My whole life dude Like slide across the stage. One knee, it's got to be so bad for your joints, bro. Ow. Yeah. Well, it depends what type of surface. If it's like a fucking rough surface, I mean, you're just going to fucking blow your knee out.

Yo, the dancers would have to wear knee pads bro they have knee pads under their like stripper attire yeah like what were the dimensions probably like two by knee you know i mean two inch and a half to an inch thick would they like brag about each other's like knee pads yeah bro my knee pads are swiss yeah yeah bro i got these from models sporting goods models hey bro i got these in the pads from if saint laurent where did you even get your knee pads idiot yeah but dude i'm actually like really stupid man so if you'd walk me through like the audition like to me dude i literally

think about an american idol stage and they're like up next and fucking randy jackson's like all right dog let's see what you got dog okay dog uh nah it was uh it was just one lady one very nice lady but it made it kind of weird because she was like this is going to be super strange she's like you have to read this incredibly vulgar script because like the whole purpose of my character is to like gross out the audience like turn them off essentially it's supposed to be like this is the opposite of what the show is it's like like the the matthew mcconaughey character in the magic bike film so like it's it's supposed to be embody toxic masculinity and i'm doing all this like and posturing and and like the boys come out dressed like fucking the ymca strippers you know i mean like cowboy and a cop and a fireman

and we do this whole routine and then they flip the script i probably shouldn't be saying all this if people haven't seen the show but whatever who knows shit dude you think you're ruining it for everyone nah it doesn't matter either way yeah it Yeah. It's not like The Last of Us. It's like, you know. Yeah. You ruined the ending of Magic Mike. Everybody's just going to that show to see artistry and beautiful men get naked. But, yeah, so I basically had to read this super vulgar script and then kind of freestyle and just, like, do some stand-up, essentially, that I thought would work in Miami.

And it crushed. She was, like, laughing really, really hard. She laughing really really hard she was like crying like white tears i had her geeking really hard she spoke spanish and i did like a lot of spanglish and like spoken spanish and did jokes about like latino culture and shit that killed and she was dying um and she knew that would work really well in miami so i knew i knew i done very well, but I didn't anticipate that they would just hit me back and be like, hey, move to Miami. It was crazy. It all happened. I literally did the audition and within a week I was living in Miami. So sudden, dude.

Yeah. So such a rapid, dramatic change and such like crazy culture shock. You know what I mean? rapid dramatic change and such like crazy culture shock you know i mean coming from like being up here just in the northeast my whole life and just suddenly being like wow and like everyone is so flashy and ritzy and beautiful and there's sports cars everywhere and just like 99 of the population is cuban english is the third language yeah it's crazy bro it's a trip it's like a very strange uh culture shock but it's cool man yeah no homo dude you just gotta blow it a little bit yeah you just gotta plug in no like the mic

imagine if it picked up none of that just me staring at you and like i was like you're like yeah absolutely yeah so dude when you go to my like hold on let's start over no it for sure picked it up but it probably just sounds like your fucking old place whatever dude who knows yeah dude we fucking live and we learn bro you ought to live and learn brother now i'm right on top of it but when you uh when you like landed in miami was it just like a bunch of chicks with like their tits out and lizards on their forehead like what was it like yeah i was lizard chicks bro it was amphibious everywhere reptilians mammalians they got dude they bitches down there, right?

Yeah. Yeah. It's an overwhelming amount of beautiful women. Yeah. It's like crazy. Just beautiful people in general. Like Spanish women. Like Latino.

Yeah, yeah. Primarily. Yeah, yeah. Predominantly Cubano. No fatties? There's a couple, one, two fatties, bro. But like in a good way. You know what I mean?

But most of the girls, genuinely, like a large percentage of the population gets surgery, which is crazy. It's not even exclusive to rich people. Sometimes you can tell when girls get surgery on a Groupon type shit, though, because they come back and they're a little wonky and wobbly. One butt cheek's a little bigger than the other one type shit, and you're like, oh, you went to the discount surgery but uh it's crazy bro like everyone and even my favorite uh i met these

hairdressers who came to the show one night and they were like wow you're so amazing but the dude whoa i'm dying it's just calm dude it's just calm It's just calm It's just a little summon The dude had Lip injections And a fake butt And just seeing that On a man Yeah Is one of the most

Comical things You could possibly see You know what I mean Just picture a dude Just like Wow You are so amazing In the joke

And like his Donk is just like Massive bro How did it how did it make you feel emotionally emotionally confused really yeah you didn't get like a little hard well that's why i think that's why i was like because you're like damn and you're like oh and he's like wow yeah you kind of like it a little bit you're like yeah you cannot like it bro you see a big old fat old tush though come on man for sure dude i can't even explain to you like how many times a day i see a fucking man bend over and i think it's a woman dude like dude how many times a day bro you just explained to me that you barely leave your house i I mean, dude, I- Are you just looking in the mirror like, damn.

Shawty bad. Nah, dude, my ass isn't on that level, dude. I'm wearing fucking Walmart sweatpants, dude. But, dude, those dudes out there wearing FlexFit. Dude, when they take- The dudes wearing the Lululemons? Yeah, when they- Dude, when they extend their hip.

Dude, I have trouble telling if it's like a man or a woman. If you can't see the upper part. Go to Miami. Yeah. No, for real. Like, it's great. Because also just like Dominican dudes just naturally have fat butts sometimes, which is very – that's funnier. It's less absurd than a surgery butt, but it's, I think, like naturally funnier because you're just like, damn, bro.

Like, you got that genetic hand like that's what was dealt you just got a fucking dong fucking road piece though bro just walks in like just squatting five plates dude oh by accident, by accident. No warm-up? No warm-up. Dude, there's no warm-up. I have to do squats inside. Do you think Dominican women, like, take fucking massive shits? Well, why?

Because they got bigger butts? Yeah, like, the men and the women. Like, do you think it's just, like, normal for them to take, like... I don't think... Because they got bigger butts? Yeah, like the men and the women. Do you think it's just normal for them to take? I don't think... I don't think the cheeks correlate with rectum size.

Or shit size bro I don't think that's how it works imagine you with a tiny little skinny girl and she just takes little shoe string shits bro looks like fucking earthworms in the toilet

like yeah tiny girl small butt small poop imagine if you went to a club though and like you were waiting in line at the bathroom and like a chick came out of the bathroom with a donk and you went in after and there was just like a baby sized shit. Damn. Like dude, you would think back to this moment

and be like, oh shit. I'd be like, damn, he was right, bro. But no, I mean, I think all,

I think all humans be taking big old doodoo's. You think so? Yeah. Pretty girls take big shit's bro, that's what it is. Yeah. Especially because they hold it

for so long and they're like, dang, dang. You ever seen a girl poop yeah yeah come on man the you think we're doing bro i just wanted to see your reaction dude you hesitated for a second you were like dude i don't know if i should tell him well i know we've all seen two girls one cup but i mean like have i in person experienced yeah dude that could have been edited high school really high school it was outside

no so shawty was drunk like tragically drunk you were playing like badminton outside some some chick just like yeah she's like stephanie not again no this is even more disturbing uh girlfriend hammered hammered she's on the toilet go and pee and she's just like i'm trying i don't know what's going on literally no i don't know what's happening and. I just think, I just think literally no feeling. I don't know what's happening. And then she like started to pee. And then she was like, she like farted a little bit. And I went, bloop, bloop. And I was like, oh, shit.

No. And it was just like a little ghost poop type situation. You know, she had just like a little pellet. Yeah. Like just in the chamber. Usually those are pretty hard like to get out. No. And she just coughed and was like, bloop.

And I was like, dang. You're taking probiotics, girl. What up? Yeah, super what up yeah superpowers dude yeah dude i would kill to have that happen to oh just a singular view just for it to be that easy yeah oh you have a difficult yeah dude i have to wear like over the ear headphones listen to like enter sandman and fucking meditate dude wow that's because you got that whole garbage bag full away on top of the fridge bro i think i'm just a fucking different breed dude it's possible bro what do you eat dude i just i just kill livestock oh not out in the open in queens just like shooting bow and arrows at fucking oncoming cars

he's like yeah just kill livestock and queens i'm like those are greek people i'm not gonna fix this camera dude because you fucking kicked it dude oh no i kicked the cam i kicked her good didn't hurt my bay. Let's see what we can do with this pot. Oh, my God. Yo, good thing I caught that in my peripheral, dude. Dog, sometimes if you don't catch things peripherally,

you got to just feel them out. You know what I mean? If you're not, if you can't in things peripherally you gotta just feel them out you know what i mean if you're not if you can't in here you just gotta we're talking about shits right oh we're still on we're still on shits yeah and i i mean so attractive woman down there you're living in an airport dude yeah and you're waking up at 10 every day. Not necessarily. At first, I would sleep until like 2 p.m. because I couldn't sleep at night. And it was just such a weird adjustment. Like, my lady didn't come down with me until like a month in

or until like three weeks in. And I'm a little bitch boy, so I was just like, I don't want to be out in this strange strange land you were homesick no not even just uh displaced like I just felt very just strange as fuck it's also just a really weird ass job to adjust to like suddenly like sexuality is just so you know like I'm already a overtly like sexual my brain is always just like oh beautiful women vagina so i love sex and then you're working on a job where the whole theme like everything and you're doing multiple rehearsals in a day where it's just like

dicks yeah just naked dudes being fucking dudes naked. Yeah. And then there's bros everywhere, bro. Yeah. Screaming. That must be confusing as fuck, man. It was crazy. And then I got used to it, which is a weird thing to get used to.

And then when it ended, I was kind of like, whoa. I did 150 shows, bro. That's not counting rehearsals that we did in front of live audiences and like test runs or whatever you know what I mean shit dude

so I did like 160 plus shows so what were these guys were they always different guys or was it always the same guys like did you no it's a cast so you built a relationship

with these dudes yeah yeah oh like boys for life that's fucking hot like what were they like would they have good personalities man oh they're the homies, bro. Yeah.

So these dudes aren't like strippers per se. They're dancers that they like got hired by the strip show. Yeah. So it's basically like, all right, now you take your body off and body roll. And a lot of them did work for artists where they were already doing kind of like sexy shirtless shit on stage but a good portion of them like my boy nate was just a baseball player he literally was a professional baseball player and uh he just like auditioned for this tv show and then was runner up and he got hired in las vegas and then they sent him to miami shit and like that's crazy because

all these kids are like they grew up in dance studios you know what i mean this dude just grew up like playing sports and fucking is a totally normal it's a lot like the other guys are like ballerinas and like cirque du soleil guys like aerialists and shit you know what i mean so like they've their whole life has been dance so it's like it's like anything bro if you grow if you're a stand-up and you grow up in comedy clubs starting at like 15 16 years old and that's all you do you're gonna be a fucking weirdo you've only been around comics dog you know what i mean like you haven't experienced like any other walks of life so a lot of the dudes yeah just have a much different like vibe or perspective you wouldn't think that they're the way they are at all they're like really nice like well-grounded individuals yeah and

they're they're so competitive that they've been like competing against other people and metabolizing rejection for so long that they just fuck damn look at that bird dog it's all fucking I can't even see dude I wanted to see that I think it was a blue jacket oh damn the bus really does come right there you were like dude these men are beautiful holy shit but yeah nah I mean there it is

look at that motherfucker bro he's hovering. Dude, he just flies through the window. Fucking clasps on your face, dude. You fucking travel to another dimension, dude. You travel back. Dude, it brings you back to Miami. Yeah, dude.

I'd be like, no. Why is this happening? Dude, have you ever gotten so high that that's happened? Whether I traveled to another dimension? Like you traveled through fucking time. Like mentally. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, if you saw a fucking raven break through the glass, fucking clasp onto you, dude, dude and then you fucking how is he clasping with his fucking nuts with his raven claw he's got a pair of nuts dude he's got a fucking sack

not even his beak dude's nuts like go over your eyes damn yeah and then you literally never thought about bird balls yeah but dude if that happened would you immediately be like oh dude i'm i'm so high right now or would you like if that happened i probably just let it rock bro you know what i mean i just see how long i could keep them on there yeah i mean your heart would be racing but you would be like nah dude i got this oh yeah no 100% unlocked i'd feel pretty confident i think like feeling his pulse through his bird balls yeah would keep me level you know what i mean you feel connected yeah yeah i'm alive he's alive we're together we're alive yeah we're one unit now you just fucking scream everything happens for a reason yeah but i don't want to scare him off my face so i'd probably like

no i'd like write it down and then like wave a sign really everything happens for a reason. Yeah, but I don't want to scare him off my face so I'd probably like write it down and then like wave a sign and say everything happens for a reason. Oh, dude, imagine if you wrote a note that said that with like a feathered pen

and you sent him off into the distance. And I signed it Edgar Allan Poe. Yeah, there was a fucking lunar eclipse. Holy shit. Damn, bro.

We got it all on video, man. Sent it to Nat Geo. You got the loon tune on video and you sent it to Natty? Dude, imagine Sent it to Nat Geo. You got the loon tune on video and you send it to Natty? Dude, imagine sending that to Nat Geo and they watch it. They'd be like, we can't find it. Just a raven.

Through glass. On to my face. And then I write everything happens for a reason on a sign. I'm just like Like that's that's what you thought

would happen but it's really just you with like a fucking baseball bat in a cemetery. Just swinging at trees. Just fucking teeing off on trees julia i love how your brain works bro it's always like running into a ridiculous scenario,

usually a corporate chain or preposterous location with some kind of weapon or something strapped to your body. And then just screaming a woman's name while you listen to certain music. Yeah, dude, it's honestly, it's been getting in the way of comedy to be honest. I can't do it in the comedy

world at all man like i can't like, have these talks with anyone. Because people think that you're, like, actually shouting women's names and strapping things to your face. Dude, I went to a mic the other night. Brutally bombed. Like, obviously, I don't know if you can bomb in a mic, but, dude, it was humiliating. And, dude, one of my premises, I was like, yeah, you know, like, I like true crime shows. Like, I like the part where, like, the detective always has, like I like true crime shows. Like I like the part where like the detective always has like PTSD from another case. You know what I mean?

Like he's always like, I'll never, I'll never figure out that Jackson file. And he like can't fucking sleep at night. Somehow, dude, I translated that into a hypothetical situation where i walk into a large bank and just yell helen keller's tits at the tellers and dude i'm acting this all out on stage and like the whole premise was like it would be cool if like a detective like tried to figure that case out like you know how fucking stupid that is dude i'm aware bro obviously no laughed, and then I had to go home and think about it and be like, dude, you're like, you're fucking up right now, man. How many times has Helen Keller's tits not only been like a punchline or a tag in one

of your jokes, but just how often does that swim around in your brain? Whenever I get sad, man, I'll think about that. You think about Helen? She makes me happy, man. It's just such a funny sequence of words. Yeah. Helen Keller's not that funny, but Helen Keller's tits. Helen Keller's tits, yeah.

Yeah. They were probably fire. And mad sensitive, you know what I mean? Because she could feel everything more. Yeah, I think they're just more valuable, man. Oh, definitely. You think someone sold their tits on the black market or something afterwards? Sold her tits?

Yeah. Some people don't even think she's real, dude. So if they sold her tits, you can prove that she was real. Is there a conspiracy theory that Helen Keller never existed? Bro, I see that all the time. You never see that? I'm sorry.

9-11 was an inside job. Paul McCartney's a clone. Helen Keller never existed. Dude, we should buy, like, two 15-pound chicken breasts. Walk into, like... Walk into, like, the Queens Library. I love that he thinks there's one library in Queens.

Just walk in and be like, this is proof that Helen Keller existed. Just drop the chicken breasts on the fucking table. And then just be like, yeah, can I get a library card? You just pull up with a fucking trash bag full of kielbasa's. She's real. Library card. Thank you. This is for you, Helen. Dude dude that is like a legit thing

like some people think she she was like a like it's a conspiracy that she like you know could speak and shit I think I fucked that up cause like the conspiracy is that she couldn't you know speak and shit but like

she existed, obviously. Because people are like, oh, like, dude, she couldn't hear or see. So it's like, how can you fucking speak? Oh, she was brilliant. Do you know, do you remember Helen Keller's dog's name? Richard Balls. Petunia. Petunia.

Petunia. What? Petunia. Look it up. Telling Kelly's dog's name. Did you have like a chromosome tweak? Petunia. Petunia. Talking about the weather with someone wow a little bit overcast today these clouds are

rain rain clouds oh man but yeah uh these boys are the fucking homies i'm sorry we went in a deep deep rabbit hole deep rabbit yeah chill dudes though wait so you running it back like is there another tour or no um yeah so it's it is a giant tour but they stop in each city for like five six months at a time you know i mean so uh dallas is next and i'm not going to do dallas but then they're coming to new york afterwards and uh if i'm still available i'll rock with them fuck yeah dude you know they're gonna hit you up Be like yo run it back Yo run it back Shine

Yeah Dude I'll show up dude To support Yeah What are the fans like Mostly like you Just like confused people Yeah just super

Super confused people With something trapped In their heads Yeah It's not just like All gay dudes It's like Are there any families

That go It's not just like all gay dudes. It's like, are there any families that go? Yeah. Bunch of Bunch of fams. Alright kids, come on. We're going to see the men's genitals. They're very good dancers. I want you to pay close attention to how your mother reacts.

No, it's like 90% women. 95% women. Maybe women, family women. Oh, yeah. You think there's a lot of chicks there who are married that go? Yeah, I know there are. You feel like you'd have to get your like, your husband's permission for that? Depends on, uh...

Like, dude, what are they... Like, are they just fucking... Depends on the nature of... Is it like the movie Step Up, but just a bunch of dudes? Or is it, like, more graceful than that? It's more like Step Up to the Streets, the sequel. Yeah.

Was Channing Tatum in that one? Is he? I think so. I don't know, dude. I think they Was Channing Tatum in that one? Is he? I think so. I don't know, dude. I think they had like a new cast. Chay Tay? Chay Tay was in the OG. Yeah.

Okay. Dude, that was a fucking good movie, dude. But Step Up to the Streets. Yeah, I'm talking about the one where they played Lowe by Flo Rida. Oh, I haven't seen it. Dude. I'm going to be transparent. I haven't seen it.

Yeah, we should have a movie night, man. Yeah, just all Chey-Tay films? Bring some Pop-Tarts, dude. Ooh, Pop-Tart movie night? Yeah, dude. Bub? Bub just chilling? Yeah.

Watching Chey-Tay with Bub? Yeah. That was a good fucking movie, man. It was like a... It was romantic, too, man. Have you seen Magic Mike? No, I never saw it. I haven't seen it.

I didn't see it until I was already like 85 shows in. Yeah. I would see it, dude, if the boys were down. But I don't want to be the guy who's like, yo. Yeah. But you want to do it FTB for the boys. Yeah. I would want camaraderie.

I would want emotional support. What do you know? Yeah. You don't want to be- If I come out in the middle of the film i want support yeah no that's valid um honestly he's aesthetically more diced in the second one very lean in the first very lean probably didn't have any pharmaceutical supplementation you know saying he wasn't doing any good yeah the third one bro oh my lord is there a lot of that a lot of what tea people doing test yeah really yeah not not amongst the boys no

yeah but in acting in hollywood like crazy dog yeah i mean it's just it's like you want to put on 20 pounds of muscle to play a superhero you don't have three years to do that yeah even if you did that man you'd have to be out in the middle of a field with like 14 cows just sucking their teats yeah dude just maxing out on forearms and wrists yeah lots of casein protein, bro. Yeah. Like, dude, you see some of those dudes, like, remember the Tarzan movie? Like, the animated one?

Well, dude, you know, they do the interviews, and they're like, yo, Chester, how'd you fucking gain 25 pounds of pure muscle? And he's like, you know, chicken breasts and broccoli? And, like,

everyone's like, dude, you took fucking horse tranquilizers. Well, not, not ketamine, not tranquilizers, horse. Yeah. Steroids. Yep. They give horses steroids. How about that, kids?

She didn't know that. Wait, they give. It's impossible, bro. Like when you see someone in Miamiami that was a huge thing too the gym i was training at was just the most preposterously miami shit in all of miami like you walked in it was just like like a reggaeton just and then it would switch and just be like and they would turn the music way the fuck up

and they'd blast it for like 30 seconds and just like pulse the beat through the whole gym and everyone's like yeah and then you look around and it's just dudes juiced to the tits, bro. Like, just puffy-ass nipples, like, injections in their biceps and fake calves and shit.

And some of them, like, there were a bunch of professional athletes and bodybuilders that did train there. So, some of the dudes were just on regular steroids and didn't have any, like, work done. But you'd see guys with, I saw this dude with calf implants. He had, bro, like, his quads looked like my forearms. Like, they were so skinny. like work done but you'd see guys with uh i saw this dude with calf implants he had bro like his his quads looked like my forearms like they were so skinny and then his calves were like you know like that's not how legs work bro that's wild you clearly did something yeah this was like a regular like like a recreational gym no no it was like a hype it was a boxing gym and like a workout gym that's like like trying to be, you know,

at the top of like social media type shit. Oh shit. They hire influencers and people to come in and, you know, all kinds of like famous people allegedly would, would train there, but so much smoking beers. It's a very cool place. It's a great gym.

Don't get it twisted, but it's just like absurdly Miami, bro. Like there was a literal dog. They had a Lamborghini just parked in the middle of the gym you just walk in there's just a purple lambo for no reason just big murals of the owner everywhere like flexing and then just like well dude you must have been used to like some of that because of living here like because if you if you do like i moved here from like rhode island

boston so when i got here i was like i had like four aneurysms a day but if you if you do like i moved here from like rhode island boston so when i got here i was like i had like four aneurysms a day but if you go from new york to miami you're kind of like oh this you know this adds up um or is it a different type of like it's it's a dramatically different type of crazy it's a much different vibe like here people are dickheads but because they've got to do what they're doing. Does that make sense? Yeah, they've got to survive, yeah. Yeah, and they've got to just do whatever task they have at that time.

You're just perpetually doing something, accomplishing a task, fucking working. You know what I mean? So people will be like, fuck you. But it's just like, fuck you they're just like blocking you out in miami it's like fuck you bro like everyone's like and they think they're uh there's like this sense of entitlement you know i mean everyone thinks they're the shit and everyone's got so much like it's wild bro dude will be whipping like a hundred thousand dollar bmw and have chains all over and then drive back to like a tiny little apartment in the hood yeah and you're just like why wouldn't

you just live in a better place and not have such ridiculous things but it's all about the flex bro like that's that's the biggest thing it's like a big swing and dick contest oh it's a big old ding and sweat contest yeah and no one ever comes out on top and they they figure that out when they're like on their deathbed yeah pretty much shit man pretty much yeah it's crazy did you laugh at all when you were in the gym like oh or you're going hard dude you daily bro daily i would just be like no way is this dude a real person or like no way like there's there's a woman there okay first of all let me just paint the picture of this gym this gym also has a barber shop in it it has an f1 race simulator there's just like a giant car it's like like a thing that like like replicates the centrifugal

forces or whatever and there's a huge screen so it makes you feel like you're racing oh shit uh and then there's ridiculous facilities like two boxing rings a whole crossfit area like it's fire you know what i mean but like you just see the women sometimes working out you're like yo you don't even look human yeah you look like a cartoon yeah like a lizard there's one lady who um dude her face is just like not a face anymore you know i mean you're just like what like if you look at her profile there's just like so many things have just been carved out and changed. Oh, dude. And it's crazy because she's supposed to, like, Latina women, when they speak, it's like they emote a lot. You know, they're very, like, emotional,

and there's, like, lots of inflection in their voice. But her shit is so, like, Botox whenever she's like, Wow, that is so amazing. Wow, thank you so much. I love for you to be here. Wow. Yeah, and it's just, oh, bro. It's scary.

Would it be, like, sad or scary when that happens? Like, how would you feel? Mostly just it's silly. Like, it would just make me laugh. I feel like I would get sad, man. I'd want to ask some questions. It probably wouldn't be the best idea to ask, you know? Be like, who hurt you?

And then you just hear, like, a bunch of AK-47 shots go off. Damn. That's what's crazy, bro. This gym also, at night, there was an armed guard. Really? There was a dude with a submachine gun and a bulletproof vest on. And like camo pants, I swear to God. Holy shit.

Yeah, it was crazy. Yeah. And then like the other guy was more low-key but he had a gun on his belt too and shit man and shit yeah it's crazy a lot of shit's popping off um yeah i think they had had like a former olympic boxer like actually threatened to shoot up the gym so they hired dude to like stay there but in general it's uh yeah like i feel like cops don't want to be bothered with like any driving violations or like simple shit because they've got so much real crime to like like cocaine crime like major drug trafficking type crime and like human trafficking yeah that they're like all right dude whatever

yeah you can pass that dude in the shoulder i'm not gonna pull you over yeah like it's the driving is fucking insane dog i literally got passed in the shoulder like 12 times when i was living in my yeah like fast and the furious dude oh man that'll be like kind of sick though i've always thought about like tokyo drift yeah because those those movies are sick man to do that in real life or at least try to rest in peace ludicrous and paul walk preemptive rest like i love luda so much that i'm just sad for the days yeah this last luda well paul walker is like actually dead though you're right man you're right dude you remember, though, in one of the Fast and the Furious? The fucking Chinese dude? The faster and the more furious-er?

Yeah, the porno. The porno for, like, dyslexic people. Dude, there's a scene in the Fast and the Furious where they're racing in a fucking parking garage. And this dude's in, like, a Nissan 350Z. And there's, like a nissan 350z and there's like an impossible turn and he's just like fucking fucking like 50 times dude doesn't even touch the outer rim and wins the race i was like fucking 15 watching that like dude to try to try that in person. Dude, he literally just like took out his fucking cock and replaced it with the clutch and was like.

Yeah. You've never seen that scene though was that um the third third one dude i'll show you after this bro love me some i'll fucking show you dude some f and f but dude that would be sick to reenact that in real life like in miami just me and my honda accord it's like an automatic it would be death bro yeah i just i just drive through a fucking bakery there's just fucking picanos everywhere play that song that tokyo song Yeah, that shit smacks, bro You're right That was a banger How you been liking this neighborhood, bro?

My boy's deep It's mad family oriented, dude Super family All the people here know me, man When they drive by, they shout me out They're like, yo, J-Dawg They shout you out? Yeah.

No, I fucking haven't met anyone. Okay. Yo, shout out, J-Dog. Yeah. My boys drive by. They're like, yo, J-Dog. Courts tonight. Yo, J-Money Salami.

Money. Yo, J. Dude. I'm wearing my walmart sweatsuit dude fucking boxing with the tree outside i'm ready for whatever both your hands just broken it's pretty peaceful around here it's not bad no i'm saying it's like like compared to this when i go in the city i'm like dude what the fuck like i don't know if i could live here yeah i'm not like i don't know man like i like i don't like commuting but i'm not like i'm not somebody goes like crazy over like a long commute you know i'll just put in the headphones if i didn't have headphones dude it would be over by now what's your typical playlist like into the city versus out

when i'm on the subway usually I'll listen to like 2010 hits. Like Natasha Bedingfield, Avril Lavigne, Sheryl Crow. Is Avril Lavigne post-2010? She's pre-2010, my guy. She's all throughout. Hits? Pretty sure, yeah. Okay.

I can think of two Avril Lavigne hits. She's got to be on. And those are circa, I want to say, 04, 05? You think so? I don't think she was really relevant post-2010, dude. Well, dude, she's for sure on the Spotify 2010 hits list. Why did you have them go and make things so complicated? Oh, yeah, that's before.

Yeah, that's before 2010. And then, obviously. I listen to like When I'm Gone. Or When You're Gone. When you're gone. Oh no, that's not Avril Lavigne. I was gonna say. Since you've been gone? also not Avril Lavigne.

Yeah, it's Kelly Clarkson. That is Kelly Clarkson, bro. She's got a great talk show. Avril Lavigne is. Kelly Clarkson. Oh, Avril Lavigne's Keep Holding On. Keep holding on. Because I'm going to make you come, make you come.

That's such a banger, bro. Yeah. But once I get in the city, dude, like once I see those flashing lights, dude, I'll put on like. Flashing, flashing. Lights, lights, lights. Dude, like money bag yo, me versus me. Ooh, okay. Dude, start putting off fake gunshots.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. You just hop on the N train. Fuck. Yeah. Get off the time score exit.

Hell and Kale is tits. What do you think she was, size-wise? Who? Helly Kells. Oh, dude, she was for sure in good shape, man. But I'm talking size, cup size. I mean, I've seen some pictures that probably say, like, C-cups, maybe. Helen Candela with the Cs.

All right. All right. Wow, what do you think she was? Ds. Double Ds. Just double Ds? Yeah. Shit. all right wow what do you think she was these double double d just double d's yeah shit why the double because like when you if you can't hear see you gotta have a set of fucking dead eyes really why tits and not ass though um because i feel like you can like the the tits are the the eyes of the naughty parts yeah you know i mean they're the closest to like the it's a the booty is a vertical smile but you can still smile you can still smile and be

happy with a small style you can't you need big old eyes to see shit you know what i'm saying wow dude that was fucking beautiful yeah she couldn't really see anything with her current I won't be happy with a small style. You can't. You need big old eyes to see shit. You know what I'm saying? Wow, dude, that was fucking beautiful. Yeah, she couldn't really see anything with her current non-working eyes. Yeah. Why wouldn't God give her a set of fucking bazoingas? Yeah, dude. You're right, man.

Yeah. Dude, the way I see tits, man. Dude, you basically have like two Harry Potter wands attached to your chest. Like, dude fuck you can ruin a dude's life with a pair of fucking double d's man oh yeah you can ruin a dude's life with a pair of a's bro a couple little pea shooters you think so i feel like you at niece you need to you need like the tit crack though you don't need no dick right you'd be be surprised because she's got a good little sternum. You know what I mean? Yeah.

She's got a good little solar plexus in here. Oh, shit, dude. Like it's nice, but then they're perky and they're sensitive. Yeah. You got to consider the nipples, too, dude. We can't leave those out. More often than not, tongue time tits thumb sensitive bro yeah wild sensitive yeah little mosquito bites dude oh me me gusta because dude i've seen chicks

with like b cups whose nipples are bigger than their tits that's possibly the most disturbing thing i can think of yeah it's just all it's just oh dude it was like it literally i thought it was a picture of like a legit pepperoni pizza dude it's fucking wild bro just a big old pet pie bro sitting on the chest but dude i've been thinking about that a lot it's just like i feel like we've lost so many great men to tits, man. You know? What about, are you striking me as a tit guy all day? Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, yeah. I don't think I'm qualified enough to get, like, a good ass. You know, like, a lot of solid fives do. They're chicks with, like, no ass, and that's what makes them a solid five. Okay. But, dude, they got a pair of fucking honkers, man. And, dude, those honkers can, they can take you for a fucking ride. Yeah, they can take you for a spin around the universe. Dude, one day you're just like, yeah, you know, nothing serious.

A year later, dude, you're fucking taking out the trash and shit. And you don't even think about it. A year later, you're brushing her teeth. Yeah. She's like, yeah, I cheated on you with the tennis instructor. And you get upset for a little bit. And then she shows you her tits and you're like, all right,

we can work something out. And you're like, all right, and you keep brushing her teeth. Yeah. Yeah, it's true. It's not even a joke, man. Like,

I can name like five dudes I know right now who that has happened to. That they've, their girl banged the tennis instructor? No. Like dudes who I used to play

Xbox with and fucking scream frag out with in the middle of the night who are now just, they just live different lives, dude. Frag out! Yeah. Frag will rock!

You don't have any dudes, like... Dudes? You haven't lost any good men? Oh, to tetas? Well, dude, you're definitely more of like an ass guy. Yeah, yeah. A lot of my boys definitely. I've lost myself to asses.

Many an ass. Really? So, like, a lot of your dudes would be like, yo, man, we hanging out tonight? You'd be like, nah, dude. Yeah. Really? Straight up. Or I just wouldn't.

Like, I'd be like, yo, hit me tomorrow, bro. Even, honestly, this morning, bro. Yeah. When you were like, hey, bro, you on your way? I was just clutching a glorious round booty, you know? Just like, I don't want to go. Yeah. It's so warm and spherical.

Fuck, dude. I wanted to ask you what was holding you back. You should have told me that man Butt cheeks bro Butt cheeks That makes sense man I love them They mean a lot to me

You know what I mean I think it's Very important I just I love titties I love titties But Butt is so much more important to me

It always has to be Yeah I feel like that's gonna go though Don't you think At some point Like it's just gonna turn into Like a wrinkly like nutsack What do you think's gonna happen To the tatas i don't know man some chicks can like keep them around some chicks keep booties around bro you think so yeah i feel like it's so hard dude even

to just get an ass like dude think about how many girls take like two years of their life to try to get an ass and genetically it just can't happen group around so many little white girls bro there are genetically bro like italian girls polish girls are the only white girls like irish girls there's there's a there's a mix but those only white girls that have like naturally are super curvy and have like touches like that but because like dude there are girls out there who just like they could do like 4 000 booty bop classes and nothing would happen like they might get a could do like 4,000 booty bop classes and nothing would happen. Like they might get a little bit of a flex going.

Booty bop classes. Yeah, it is genetics though. It's like, dudes, you see, I mean, look at Jon Jones. Jon Jones is a freak athlete. His upper body is super developed now. His back is super wide. His calves still look like a fucking blade of grass. Yeah.

Like they are tiny bro and that's just genetics like yeah but if you threw a fucking roundhouse kick at you dude you would file for fucking bankruptcy dude oh dude he'd sever me in half yeah you'd probably die 100 not you like we like yeah it's a Kill Bill situation. You know what I mean? I honestly think, dude, it would be like you, if he threw like a leg kick at your body, I think it would be like you standing up straight and like bracing for it. And then he would hit you and you'd hear it.

How do you throw a leg kick at somebody's body and then a body kick? What? Like, like a leg kick, right? Yeah. But it hits your body. So am I laying on the ground? Like, am I kne right? Yeah. But it hits your body. So am I laying on the ground? Like am I kneeling? No, you're standing.

If he kicked you, like... He kicked me in the leg. No, he leg kicked you. Like with his leg. Oh, well, that's all kicks. He threw a leg kick. Yeah. No, a leg kick is a kick that you hit somebody in the leg.

Whatever, dude. I'm not training for the fucking... I know, but that's like being like, bro, imagine he hits you with a hand punch. Bro, what if he punched you right with a fist punch, bro? Well, I was trying to like... Because I said roundhouse kick, so I knew you were thinking like a legitimate roundhouse kick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then I wanted to like clarify like...

But to the body. To the body. Like it hits me in the ribs i think you would keep a straight face for like a few seconds and then you'd probably like internally bleed to death yeah i mean he cannot he can he can kick bro he's a scary motherfucker that shit was crazy dog i was so hype watching that i'm such a you have no idea what a nerd i am for like mixed martial arts you don't think he was fixed at all? No.

No. I mean fixed in the sense that they knew he was like outrageously suited to merc this dude. The other dude can't wrestle at all and John is like one of the most

Yeah, it just seems so subtle, dude. It just looked like he was like putting him to sleep, like tucking him in at night. Yeah. You know, which kind of made it even more beautiful, dude. You know?

Yeah, that was crazy. Yeah. That was crazy. Dude was so underqualified. He just... Yeah, it was super majestic, man. Pretty majestic. You know, Shakespeare invented that word.

Dude, are you thinking about doing any fights that I can go to just to cheer you on? Yeah. I'll have amateur boxing and kickboxing fights in New York and New Jersey for sure. So you went to a gym down there and now you go to the same gym you used to go to now here? Yeah. I've been training downtown just at a boxing gym with my coach. And then I've been bouncing around other spots just getting fucking free member free free trial brother doing a couple classes for free and then i rolled out

try another gym shit dude you're fucking bouncing around i feel like it'd be so expensive right like yeah that's what i'm saying that's why i've been doing yeah like the trials and shit because it was in miami bro for 150 a month i could use that crazy gym, all of its facilities, and go to unlimited classes. That's not bad, yeah. That's crazy. For $1.50, that's wild. Here, with all those amenities, it would be like $400, something like that.

It would be more than that, dude. Yeah. Yeah, honestly. For the number of classes that I'd want to do, it would be more than that. Oh! Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Fuck! that dude yeah yeah honestly for the number of classes i don't want to do it anymore oh fuck well dude um i gotta bounce man i'm sorry i would honestly stay around like longer but boy's gotta go fucking sculpt his yeah i gotta go fucking read in the sauna does that mean you can be like,

hey boys. Yeah. The friction myth. You ever use that? Oh, quick. You were quick. Well, thanks for coming, man. Yeah, man.

My pleasure. Do you have anything you want to say to the people before you bounce out, dude? Brother. As a returning guest. As a returning guest, if you did not follow me the first time that you listened to this program and I was on the program, please follow me the second time. You can go to www.tatewinston.com. That is spelled T-A-I-T.

Winston, like Churchill. Same thing on Instagram and all the socials Tate Winston get me to fuck on here I'm gonna be performing all over the eastern seaboard in the next couple months

thank you Johnny Salami thank you dude it's always a good time man always bro praise God