The Johnny Salami Podcast - TJ Francis

Episode Date: March 27, 2023

TJ Francis by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbor's lawn. Yeah. Hahahaha Well I love you madly dear, and I need you badly dear. Why did you leave me here, without your love? Woooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, wooah, woo Oh, bro, I'm hurting. You feel like a lot of people are serious around here? Oh, in New York? Yeah.

Yeah, for sure. Because you look like a fucking, like your name's Carson, dude. So I feel like a lot of your name's carson dude so like i feel like a lot of people probably see you and they're like carson as like finance bro type not even finance bro like you just look like more like a lax bro okay you look like you fucking you look like you would scream like smell my fingers bro yeah during a lecture yeah yeah i get that you are like a nice guy. Like, I'm not judgmental. No, yeah.

You know, I've said this a bunch. The number one thing people say is, I thought, like, to me, and it's like a backhanded compliment, they go like, I thought I was going to hate you. Oh, yeah. Just because I look like that fucking douchebag. Dude, that's what my roommate's like. He wears like a backwards hat and stuff. Yeah.

When we first met, I saw him and I was like, I'm going to fucking hate this guy, dude. You know what I mean? But you're a bro. No, not even close. You're a bro. From from afar we don't know each other that well yeah but you you're like a lifting guy no but you lift that see like that would piss me off dude but you lift dude i exercise yeah but if you saw me like if we were like hanging out yeah and you were like yo this kid's a fucking power lifter dude no i'd be so mad dude i wouldn't say that but i'd be like if somebody was like yo this kid's coming over and they're like well what's he like i'd be like he's like a bro yeah i think most people would know me if they were like how would you describe john they would be like no words can

describe john just random so retarded but yeah man i'm for the boys you know what i mean yeah see that's a bro thing to say yeah yeah but it's also like i'm actually for the boys break it oh you're good dude it's all right uh this podcast is over uh you don't think you you don't think you give off like uh you don't think we give off the same vibe uh i mean i don't know you i mean this is our first time ever right i'm saying just visually not even close you don't think so i look confused all the time dude i have no confidence dude your confidence is like off the chart oh i have no confidence i mean it looks like you have no no no no that see that's where i think i do give off i might give that off but i have yeah I see, I like, I can't talk to people and I think people mistake it for confidence

and like, oh, I'm too good. But I'm like, I'm so afraid of you. Yeah. I'm like a dog. I'm like afraid. Damn, dude. Yeah. I mean, you have a fucking full grown mustache.

Yeah. Well, that's just, I got nothing else. I have no personality. So fucking. That's all you have to live for. It's all I have. If I shave that, my name is Carson. Yeah. You know what I mean? No fucking that's all you have it's all i have if i shave that my name is carson yeah you know what i mean no that's what i that's what piss the only thing that'll piss me off dude is if someone like doesn't know you yeah and they'll say like

who you are you know what i mean oh that happens to me all the time i'll see you and i'll be like you might look like a carson you know mustache but like i'll you know get to know you before i say anything about you uh yeah i would like to say that too although in my head i will i might say it i wouldn't say anything but in my head i'll be like oh this person i know who this person is in my head i won't say it out loud yeah i think a lot of people though are all the same like you can kind of like yeah dude you can paint a picture but as far as like comics are concerned, it's like, dude, it's a fucking wild, you know. Yeah. It's wild out there, dude.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah. But I think, do you think you, your personality matches the way you look? For sure. Yeah. I look full bore retarded, dude. Yeah. And you just think that's what you are?

A hundred percent. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you're fucking, even like your outfit choice but i guess everybody but just like polos with shorts that's just yeah it's a great look feeling good man i'm feeling dangerous yeah yeah i mean yeah i feel you it took me a while though to like i don't know you but i feel like when you were younger because you're not that old right 28 yeah so you're still young like until recently i would have like multiple personalities you know what i mean yeah you kind of um chameleon your way through life until you figure it out

differently around people yeah yeah but now that i'm in like new york city and like i've basically said like i'm gonna commit my life to this i'm just like meaning comedy yeah just like polos all the time yeah you're a brand this is who i am like you know what i mean your polos are my mustache it's all we that's all i have it's all we have yeah see that's what i mean i i just wear sweatshirts this is every this is all i got jeans white shoes sweatshirt yeah but like previous to like this especially like a smaller town like you kind of have to alter your image at least a little bit yeah people are going to be like dude this kid is out of legitimately insane yeah yeah i get that you had you had to do that the whole i did that the whole i don't think i was what i am

now until like two years ago i had no clue what i was takes a while man yeah played baseball fucking i was like oh yeah i'll be the baseball guy and then fucking dude there was there was two different times in my time where i my life where i became religious like really religious and one of them was just because the people around me were yeah that's it that's all it took so you're just like a product of your own environment for a while yeah now i think i'm like becoming i'm like oh this is what i'm doing and this is my life and I think the best way to do this like not to get all serious and fucking lame but like the best way to do what we want to do is to just be 100% yourself yeah so you can't try to be somebody else feels good too man it does genuinely feels it does because what you said earlier people being like oh you look like a

Carson I've kind of just accepted them like yeah people hate me on site yeah you know what I mean people go you're the rich white kid I'm like i have no money i made nine thousand dollars in 2022 nine thousand holy shit man yeah that's fucking tough it's horrible yeah there's nothing positive i can say about that dude my credit card just fucking maxed out as i tried to take this fucking subway here yeah yeah fuck man yeah well we'll figure that out later yeah but i'm just i just stay clean so people are like you're a country club guy oh shit like no i'm a caddy so i did my whole life yeah fuck man that's deep bro deep yeah yeah but it feels good man it feels like a fucking

i feel like a wild horse just going through a field dude yeah you know what i mean yeah it's not giving a fuck yeah well yeah my dude my favorite thing though has always been like when someone uh judges you and you like prove them wrong yeah you know what i mean yeah which like it's good for comedy you know what i mean yeah for sure but even just like uh like you had uh you must have had recess when you were younger right yeah of course bro you did they open up the recess doors and let everyone out at the same time uh it might have been if i remember i think it was like they let out like two grades at a time so it was like seventh grade type dude for us it was just everyone at the same time all the kids it was just like a stampede dude yeah i

remember dude just fucking screaming vagina every time yeah that's how it feels every do you scream vagina every time yeah for sure man for real laughed at myself, dude. What were people like? What the fuck is he doing? Nobody said anything. It's funny you chose vagina. You ever play the penis game? Yeah. I wasn't a big fan of the penis game, man.

You like vagina? Yeah. Vagina? Good for you, dude. It was different, man. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Penis was kind of like, I just didn't want to be. You're not about that? Like everyone else. Oh, okay. Word. So you just wanted vagina. You were like a big penis game guy? I wasn't good at it.

This dude's filming us in the outside? He just came up to the screen. Might be your roommate. Might be my roommate, dude. Yeah, he just came up with his phone. Maybe he was texting. Is he fucking filming us? Yeah, is he skinny?

Looking at an Italian dude? Yeah, looked like it. Yeah, that's probably my roommate. Oh, word. He just came in filming. Could be your roommate. Fight him, dude. Yeah. Should we fight him? Dude, I hope that's probably right. Oh, word. He just came in filming. Could be a roommate. Fight him, dude. Yeah.

Should we fight him? Dude, I hope that's him. It might not be. Could have just been a fella. Yeah, I think so. If he has keys. Hey. What the fuck are you doing?

Dude, we thought you were like a random stranger. Were you filming? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was filming. Shit, dude. That legit made me nervous, me nervous i was like getting ready to fucking go out there dude yeah yeah dude this is a dangerous area yeah dude there's like there's

fucking gunshot holes in the like right there where it's fucking it's brick yeah yo dude can you open up the microwave for me? Thank you, dude. What are we talking about? She keeps beeping, dude, so it's like... Thank you, dude. No, you're fine. Just keep it right there. Love you. Thanks, dude.

What are we talking about, though? Oh, the penis game? Oh, yeah. Did I play? Yeah, I played. You just weren't good at it? Yeah, it got to a point. I didn't like to point i i didn't

like to be i didn't want to be the guy to i always was like all right fucking relax fucking relax yeah yeah no i feel the same way dude yeah we had this one portuguese kid dude and uh we had a substitute one day and he was a recovering drug addict he used to gamble like portuguese kid the kid who screamed penis was portuguese so just paint a picture dude like yeah yeah hairy white shirt on the soccer team of course on the side the only other portuguese kid i yeah soccer team yeah all right so that's a that's a picture for you dude but it was called uh the class was called like prevent uh preventative care it was like a fucking like uh like an athletics class but for like injuries you know yeah like

we would do like cpr and like go over like ankle taping and stuff the best that was the best class i think i've taken a class like oh dude sick man i forget what we called it but this guy uh we had a sub who was like a recovering drug addict he used to gamble hard in like las vegas and stuff and he was just like done with life dude like you could see it in his eyes yeah this was his last last go this is like his last go yeah and he was telling everyone like his life story he was like yeah i have no money like i lost all gambling he told you this in school he told like everyone in the class like and his last his last go around was like taping ankles yeah and i've like legitimately felt sympathy for him he was just subbing so he has no idea what the class even is his job is just

to make sure everyone like doesn't fucking kill each other but yeah dude this portuguese kid it was like completely quiet and he just screamed penis at the top of his lungs yeah like there was no like you know there's usually like a progression yeah like you know you'll start slow and then like dude he literally screamed it like he just goes all right you want to play a piece game he goes penis you got all right bro you win you win it was like someone shot him in the leg though dude he screamed it that long like his life depended on it and then the fucking teacher the teacher itself legitimately swore dude he didn't even bat an eye he just kept a straight face and looked at his like book yeah

and the kid kept doing it dude he did it like five times so just back-to-back champ yeah that's when i was like yeah i was like we were like dude you win like no one's fucking no one else is even playing yeah you know what i mean good for that kid yeah that's when i was like all right i don't know if this is for me dude yeah sometimes it would get too loud and you're like i'm not trying to fucking i want to be that kid it's just fun until you go hey and you go okay i think the best is when you're like running you know what i mean like running, you know what I mean? Like galloping, you know, like doing high knees, dude. Yeah. And then you yell something like vagina.

Yeah. That's fucking graceful, man. You like that? Yeah, dude. I forgot that on video, man. How many fucking times are you doing high knees out in the recess playground? A lot, man. You stretching out there?

You getting a good full stretch? I think so, yeah. Yeah. What kind of kid were you on the recess playground? Definitely retarded, man. Yeah. That's just the theme of your life blacktop at all yeah blacktop we played um the fuck we called it we played jackpot okay you ever

play that it's the dumbest game ever there's you just throw a ball you just throw a fucking a big like what was it with those like rubber balls i guess yeah like a kickball yeah you just throw that and we're fucking eight so we barely throw it up in the air and then you just say numbers wow but it doesn't there's no like you just go all right this is 700 and people catch it and throw it back and you just keep going the only way you win is if you hit jackpot like there's no like oh if you get seven plus 300 you win yeah what grade was this like probably like probably like seven six seventh grade what the fuck did you go to school man and then what where'd you go to some some dumb

fucking school um and then uh fuck um i remember i kissed a girl on the recess playground one time because i gave her jackpot oh i was like oh i'm gonna do i'm gonna throw it over there and then i've like flicked it to her and then afterwards she came over and that was my first kiss whoa dude yeah it's fucking wild man yeah it's pretty sick she respected it she respected the hell out of it dude i singled her out that's fucking beautiful yeah i said baby so that's that's kind of like a passive game though dude passive yeah because like dude we would play like fucking tackle football and like oh it was girls and guys so we would always play together we were all horned up back then yeah holy shit man dude i was kicking basketballs in the air on the blacktop you know i mean there was a time we did that some someday like monday tuesday

wednesday was fellas and then thursday friday with the weekends coming around there's like a schedule and shit yeah kind of yeah you can't do the same thing every day no you get tired of it dude i used to dude i bought except yellow vagina you could same thing every day. No, you get tired of it. Dude, I used to. Dude, I bought these. Except yellow vagina. You could do that every day. No problem. Dude, we used to. I used to. Just thinking about you. Like, there's fucking no.

Like, did you live around houses? The school's around houses? Yeah, it was in like a neighborhood. Just running around every day like at 12 o'clock. You hear, vagina! Yeah, they're ready for it. A little gay voice, yeah. Yeah.

I think it was like, yeah, it was probably pretty gay. It's like, oh, it's noon. You heard the vagina. Yeah. Yeah yeah it's like a rooster somebody like that would be cool if like we met on later in life at like a gas station yeah someone was like oh you're that kid huh yeah you just got pissed you're like fucking vagina i know that voice they see my videos they're like oh that makes sense yeah yeah dude we used to uh we would literally kick basketballs, like full-size 29.5 NBA basketballs in the air on the blacktop, like hoping that it would hit someone in the head. Yeah.

We did shit like that. We would play fucking dodgeball, throw the shit at the kids. Yeah, dude. Yeah. People threw shoes, dude. Yeah. I remember one time we were playing kickball. Some kid missed.

He swung and missed at kickball. And he took off his fucking shoe and threw it at the pitcher. Wow. Not strike out, but he just swung and missed in kickball, which is almost impossible to do. I don't know, man. I've seen a lot of people whiff at the ball in kickball in elementary school. Yeah.

Almost like 90%. I mean, it seems like you went to special ed. So it makes sense that kids in your class were missing kickballs. Yeah. I was hitting bombs, dude. Almost like 90%. I mean, it seems like you went to special ed. So it makes sense that kids in your class were missing kickballs. I was hitting bombs, dude. You have a fucking boot? No, not a boot, dude. I can never kick. Although I was a kicker in football when I played. Just to put you out there?

I was fullback, middle linebacker, kicker, and punter. Wow. Yeah. And I missed every fucking extra point. Really? I remember this one season we played. I missed every fucking extra point, dude. But they just kept putting me out there.

Yeah, no one else. Nobody else could kick. Shit. I was like one of maybe ten white guys on the team. Everybody else was linemen. So I was the only one that they were like, we're going to put you at kicker. And I just, I missed everyone. Fuck. Not one. Not one even close. Did it look good, though? No. only one that they were like we're gonna put you a kicker and i just i missed everyone fuck not one

not one even close for like oh michael good though like when you know no i hit the lineman every time holy shit i punted i could punt yeah yeah fucking got some hang time out there i got some hang time out there dude got some hang time yeah i don't know what it was about kicking dude i hated soccer i just loved like kicking shit in the air yeah it's fun it's fun to kick shit that's not even how you get pussy though either dude no if you go to you go to fucking inside the park home running kickball dude no one's fucking making out with you no you know no that's not true same thing with dodgeball dude i mean you must had a good arm you gotta catch you gotta save the girls that's how you get pussy and you're a fucking pussy for

that dude no you gotta save them you're not beaming anyone no you can beam people but you also if you see if you're on the other team, you're about to beam Julia. I'm going to catch that. She's going to kiss me on the playground. Oh, shit. Tell you what. When did you get your first kiss?

Like three weeks ago. Yeah, there you go. No, yeah. Let me think. It was like some fat chick, man. Her name was AJ, and she was a bitch, dude. AJ? Yeah.

Everyone was just like, yeah, John's like fat and retarded, and she's never kissed anyone. She was like, all right, man. Her name was AJ and she was a bitch, dude. AJ? Yeah. Everyone was just like, yeah, John's like fat and retarded and she's never kissed anyone. She was like, all right, I'll kiss him. I'll kiss him. She was a fucking asshole, dude. We dated for like three days, man. You dated? Wow. Yeah, dude, we dated for like three days.

What broke you up? What was the final straw? Probably me saying I love you, dude. Yeah, that makes sense. That's about the time to do it. Yeah. Fuck, dude. That sucks.

I'm sorry. Every relationship I had in middle school, man, like after like two days yeah i would listen to like that song replay by ios yeah dude yeah i would just what was it by i don't even know it's like iway az or some shit like that oh i would i don't know why i was thinking rihanna oh yeah no you're right um no it's replay nah nah nah nah every day that one yeah yeah it's a beautiful song, man. It's beautiful. Dude, back then, Rihanna had Disturbia, man. Yeah. It's a good song to fucking jump up and down on your bed naked, too. Dude.

Yeah. So you do that a lot. Jump up and down naked. Dude, back in the day. Even now. Yeah, dude. Yeah. For sure.

Britney Spears playing. Toxic. More like Sheryl Crow, man. Okay. Yeah. That's good. But dude, I would message chicks on AIM and just be like, I love you. Yeah.

Like, good night. I love you. You fall in love quick? Because, I mean, I see a girl walking down the street. Today or back in the day? Today. Oh, no chance, man. Oh, I fall in love in a second.

How fast? I mean, walking down the street. Where are you from, like, originally? Jersey. Oh, really? Uh-huh. You think that's common down there? You from like the suburbs?

A lot of Italians yeah Yeah Yeah so they fall in love real quick So you're like a romantic guy? Yeah Yeah That's it dude? Yeah

Did you watch a lot of Lifetime movies growing up or not? No No I never watched a lot of movies Where does it come from then? I don't know man Just in your heart dude? Just life yeah it's in my heart i'm a lover boy shit man yeah what chick did you say that to first probably probably the first ever girl they're probably the kickball girl yeah yeah i was like i love you and then i threw the fucking jackpot i said jackpot love you yeah though, like, you said you fall in love quick, like, right now. No, I fall in fake love quick.

Where you're like, oh, this girl, like, my photo, I love her. I don't fall in love. I don't know. So you've never, like, you've never, like, fallen in love, like, first sight? First sight? Oh, yeah, I do all the time. Really? Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

But it's, like, fake. It's not real. But if it's love, dude, you can't just, like, move on. No, you can move on quick. That's the thing thing you can fall in and out of love real quick yeah so it's more like infatuation then dude yeah yeah yeah yeah i thought you meant like dude you watch like fucking lifetime movies dude like and you like like a real life notebook or some shit you know what i mean yeah i'd like to live that life have a real life i've never seen the notebook though what's a lifetime movie what does that even mean it's like the movies you saw in high school were like fucking it's like a dude who looks like you

who's in love with like a hot chick and then like there's like a fucking guy like eating crayons in the background and he's he ends up being the hero of the movie yeah because like the boyfriend's like beating the shit out of the girl and he's like yeah you know it comes out of nowhere with like a fucking 33 30 33 30 de marini yeah dude you've definitely you for sure have seen a lifetime movie yeah probably just not know it probably i'm not a big like movie guy i get made fun of for my movie takes a lot isn't like what what type of movies um i like um i guess notoriously bad movies uh like movies like Kingsman. Kingsman's probably my favorite movie.

Is it a war movie? No, it's like a fucking... It's like a fucking James Bond, right? Yeah, kind of like that, yeah. It's like Spy, Secret Spy Service. Is it good or no? I fucking love it. Really?

But when I tell my friends who are more movie buffs that are... They all go, they all laugh. I go, Kingsman's my favorite movie, go they all laugh i go i go kings is my favorite movie and they all laugh and i go i mean i'm not like for real you know yeah i have to like always i have to always say something extra so they don't think i'm stupid what is it about the movie there was like a lot of action scenes it's just something you can put on and not really fucking pay attention just go on your fucking phone yeah yeah yeah yeah pretty much i'm like i'm stupid dude and i don't really understand uh cinema like if i ever made a movie it would never legally be able to fucking

go out yeah dude i'm the same way i don't get cinema at all i fucking watch movies sometimes and i'm like fuck dude i don't even what was that even about yeah yeah even like uh i'm like jealous of people who understand like the ins and outs of it oh yeah same time it's like you know i'll see a movie where like the first 15 minutes are just like 15 dudes with like ak-47s and they're just shooting up cars and i'm like this is what we fucking live for that's a good movie yeah that seems like a good movie like den of thieves that's exactly what i'm talking about yeah that is exactly what when you said first 15 minutes ak's i'm like den of thieves yeah the movie's fucking good

that movie's the best movie ever dude that's my godfather dude i just like wanted to put something on yeah like 30 seconds in yeah just like emotionally invested and then you look it up on rotten tomatoes and it's like 27 and you're like fuck is it i think it's bad actually i hate this movie every comment it's just like it's just aimless shooting oh fucking it is and you're like what's wrong with that it's just a bunch of dudes who fucking failed like seventh grade math class yeah and they just want to get back in the world yeah that's that's my kind of movie, though. I love those movies. Even like 300, dude. Yeah, just jack dudes, man. That's what I love.

Even like that one sex scene, dude, it didn't show anything. That was like hard as a fucking rock. No penis? Yeah. It showed nothing, dude. Yeah. I don't remember 300 enough, but I do remember the cover. Yeah.

Yeah, and then that gets me going. Yeah, it's just like he's about to go to war and just kill like 30 million Persians. Persians. I'm pretty sure that number's accurate, too. That's who they fought. 30 million, dude. Yeah, I couldn't even tell you who they fought. I don't even know what team he was on.

The Jack guy. Yeah. Then I said team. But like, I don't even know. There was like a multiple choice question. Persians versus who? Who did they fight? The fucking... Greeks? fight? The fucking...

Greeks? No. The fucking... You don't even know. Spartans. Spartans. Michigan State. Fuck yeah.

Yeah, Michigan State. Michigan State. Michigan State versus the Persians. Persians, dude. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Spartans what, though? What does that even mean?

Rome? I mean, am I dumb? That's... Yeah. On this podcast, I'm not not even gonna guess because someone's gonna be like dude you're fucking dumb as shit some dude well i don't even know some dude said i fucking deserve the death penalty like two days ago for what just my podcast just in general he was like dude you deserve the chair yeah like all right dude fucking yeah he's from texas yeah

i don't deserve the chair for what? Being, yeah. Yeah. Okay, that makes sense. If he's from Texas. That's what I'm saying. He's from Texas. They're still doing it down there?

I think so. Yeah. Yeah. I always thought you were like from Tennessee or something, dude. Me? Yeah. No. Really?

No. I do love the South. I would like to move there at some point. Yeah. Wait, so you played college baseball? Yeah. Where? William and Mary. Where's that? Virginia. Oh, really? Yeah. Where? William & Mary.

Where's that? Virginia. Oh, really? Yeah. Shit, dude. Yeah. So when did you... So you must have been...

What division is that? One. Dude, you played Division I baseball? Yeah. That's fucking hot, dude. It's pretty hot. Good for you, man. Yeah, I was pretty bad.

That's sick. Did you play at all or no? I did. But I was pretty bad. Really? Yeah. But you played? Yeah. So you weren't bad sure but like my division one or division one like double a or triple a division one there's no double a in baseball damn but um so i played i was always like a good um fielder so like i made the lineup like i you know but i always i sucked at hitting i so my freshman

year they came out. There was a list of top 10 strikeouts, and it was just computers, so I guess they didn't even realize. Top 10 strikeouts in the country for my freshman year, and I was like sixth or seventh. Everybody else on it was pitchers. I was the only hitter because I shook out so much. So what was your batting average?

I hit like 260. My freshman year was my best year, and then that just went down. Oh, shit. i shook out so much it's always your batting average i hit like 260 my friend my freshman was my best year and then that was just one down yeah i don't even play senior year that's like how shit it went wait how'd you uh how'd you get recruited you must have been nasty in high school then i was um i was i did a pot ryan o'toole had me on his podcast and he interviewed me he's like i just want to interview about baseball and he talked to me for a while. I did – so I told him this. I was always like a good showcase player.

That's what they call it. I can go to a showcase in front of scouts, and I can field well, throw hard, and like shit. You know baseball. I could do showcases well. You put me in the game, though, and it all went away. Damn, dude. The bright lights? The bright lights. And mostly curveballs, but the bright lights.

Oh, dude. Yeah, the change of speed, man. Dude, throw me a 70-mile-per-hour batting practice pitch. I'll look good. But as soon as you start changing it up, I suck. Yeah. Were you like a home run guy? Or were you more like singles and doubles?

Doubles. Doubles. I had, yeah, I had like, I don't know how many. Maybe like 12 singles my freshman year. And then like just a bunch of doubles. Like oppo? Or were you like a pull hitter? Pull. I barely hit it opposite many. Maybe like 12 singles my freshman year. And then like just a bunch of doubles. Like oppo or were you like a pull hitter? Pull.

I barely hit it opposite field. Oh, really? I also, this is, I had to bunt all the time. Really? And I sucked. So I would bunt, like I would be the guy to bunt, and then I would just strike out by bunting. Yeah, I promised myself I would never bunt again, dude.

I remember I was in Little League, and the coach gave me the signal to bunt. What was it? Ear or nose? Probably. Oh, no. It was belt. B for bunt.

B for bunt. So even I was like, I fucking got it. I got it. Oh, bunt. All right. You fucking yell it out. But I remember bunting, and I was facing the pitcher, and he threw it directly at my fucking nuts.

In your chest. Oh, your nuts. Dude, he threw it directly at my nuts and I didn't move out of the way. And the ump was like, strike? And I was like, dude, are you fucking on drugs?

He was like, strike? And dude, I lost my mind. I was like, there's no way that's a strike. You didn't go down? Huh? You didn't go down? Dude, when he said strike,

that's all I was focused on. I literally, I was talking to the ump. I was like, how the fuck is that a strike? And he was like, go down dude when he said strike that's all i was focused on yeah i literally had like i was talking to the up of like how the fuck is that a strike and he was like dude you're fucking that was the first time i learned like you legit have to get no cup oh no i had a cup on yeah okay all right like a little cup a little small one little baby cup yeah you could hear it like bounce off my cup yeah dude that was mind-numbing for me to like discover that. That is like a mind-numbing discovery. What?

What is it called when they tell you to like purposely aim it at? Oh, a sacrifice? Isn't there like a situation where like the bad-ass did like sack bunt and they tell the pitcher to fucking aim for his head? Oh, I don't know. But that seems like a fucked up thing to do. Yeah. So that he doesn't get it down? Yeah. They're just like, yeah, just fucking hit him his head. Oh, I don't know. That seems like a fucked up thing to do. Yeah, so that he doesn't get it down.

They're just like, yeah, just fucking hit him. Yeah. I guess. I don't fucking know. Yeah. It's pretty sick, though, dude. You're pretty fucking humble for a dude who played Division I baseball. Dude, I tried out for two Division III teams, and the guys

I met sounded like fucking senators, dude well division three baseball players are the worst or division three athletes of any kind because they love the game that much that they want to play do you know i mean yeah i think they're like talent wise they're pretty good but they just like don't know how to read yeah some of them yeah but that's that's what last chance you was for yeah go on that tv show no dude just the egos man would like make me so upset you know why i think there's just like an ego with baseball where it's like you know i don't have to like hustle and i don't have to like try because like i'm the big swinging dick yeah you know i get all the pussy yeah shit like that at framing him

no it wasn't even there i can't pussy i tried out at jaywood johnson wells oh that's a good baseball school though framing him i didn't even go to that school that's what i was gonna say because of that dude what dude oh the coach the guy who recruited me was a division one hitting coach and he got fired because he partied with the team and drove through a garage that's awesome yeah like a like just a regular house in rhode island like a house party yeah that's fucking awesome yeah he got drunk and drove through a garage dude that's good and they fired him and he got a job at like a shitty d3 school and he he literally broke the rules and like had me go to a like uh he like tried to recruit me dude in the middle of the season which is like super against the rules he was like yeah man just

show up i don't think the guy's really a stickler for rules though yeah he drove a car through a house yeah well you said some one of your coaches yeah one of my uh coaches uh i don't want to say his name but he fucking uh he fucking coached at this school this was before he was my coach and he basically got drunk and just beat the shit out of a trainer like the guy who fucking tapes ankles yeah that's probably your guy he's on his last leg what the fucking preventative care yeah preventative care beat up that dude who's learning how to tape ankles and got you just intoxicated yeah it was like it was like a I believe

it was like a um like a team believe it was like a um um like a team event or like a fucking school coaches event kind of bullshit and he just got hammered and like beat the shit out of him jesus christ yeah yeah fuck what was baseball coaches man they fuck that's like the hardest job so they just drink until they're fucking red in the face and beat up some fucking loser that's i don't think i've ever met like a normal one no it's it's it's an insane job to not to not be like vanderbilt you make thirty six thousand dollars a year to work 10 hours a day oh they don't make a lot of money no yeah dude that was the one thing that blew my mind and it's like public our coaches really our coaches like salary is just public holy shit and we're just like because if you're like a state school or something

like that you are i don't know there's no like sponsors or anything either for our level no we're like low low level d1 yeah so like no did you have access to like the training and stuff like the weightlifting room and shit yeah of course that was my favorite part that's why i got hurt because i fucking just wanted to get big at a certain point yeah dude that was the only reason i wanted to play it was just to get in shape yeah we had a pussy dude we had a fucking uh our strength coach his name was just rock just rock i don't know his real name at all but he fucking it's just so funny to have a strength i mean he was maybe five five like 70 years old and just all he gave a shit about was lifting. And then one day he just comes in. And he goes, all right, boys, we're going to do,

I don't even know what he called it. We're going to do the Rock 100 today. And everybody's like, yeah, Rock, Rock, you're in a good mood. What's up? And he goes, I got pussy last night to the whole team. So we just had a fucking fun day because Rock got pussy. Shit. It was great.

That's fucking sick, bro. Yeah, it was a good time. he's a good fella yeah did you ever like he might be dead no he was the best so it wasn't like his like your day-to-day didn't go by like his feelings uh no if he was angry you fucking knew it yeah yeah i feel that dude so kind of yeah yeah so what was like uh, that must have been difficult, though, being like a Division I athlete. Like what was your like day-to-day like? I mean, it was – I mean, yeah. I don't know. It was fucking – we did a lot of practice and shit.

I like – kind of like you. I mean, I was a fucking retard. I'm so bad at school. I was like I got a 2.3. So like I barely – I don't know. You just like never went to class? i went to the classes you had to any classes you were like oh you could just maybe do it at home i did that like special privilege you just like draw a dick on the paper and get like a c in high school i did really in high school i had a cinema teacher who fucking

taught us everything we want to know about movies yeah but i was just so not into it and i was like i was like i went up to him beforehand and i was just like yo if i like because he's a cool dude you know the teachers in high school that like you're like oh you're like cool and at the time like this is fucking awesome and you realize later like it's weird that he was like hey what are you guys doing this weekend like if i came by with that being like what yeah but he was a cool dude and i was like if i just don't do anything because i already like knew where i was going to college it was senior year if i just don't do anything can i just get a c and he said yes and then i just did that that's fucking chill man that was nice but in college no not at all yeah that would

never fly in my high school dude we had a teacher who got arrested for uh circle jerking in a movie theater what yeah dude and i was just like how do you fucking jerking in a movie theater what yeah dude and i was just like how do you fucking circle jerk in a movie theater you know what i mean why why circle what is a circle drink just line up in a circle and jerk off yeah dude he was with a bunch of dudes put the popcorn down below yeah i heard it's pretty serious man like serious thing you have to like form a circle with a bunch of dudes yeah just jerk off yeah that's pretty serious that's fucking pretty serious stuff yeah but dude i was there was an dude everyone knew because it was in the newspaper it was like an old article did it say circle jerk in the newspaper that's what i'm trying to figure out to this day trying to find the article yeah

because he's technically a sex offender dude it was in public yeah i mean yeah if you jerk off in public you're gonna be a sex offender i mean if you're hanging out with the dudes in the man cave and you know you do it there it's all well and good that's fine that's fun who doesn't do that yeah but it is fun to hit the boys up and be like yo what are you doing you want to go see transformers think we all get in a circle and jerk off on the popcorn i want to know what the movie was dude yes requiem for a dream something like that what if it was, dude. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Requiem for a Dream, something like that. What if it was Den of Thieves? Like, this is just too sick to not jerk off.

Just 10 dudes jerking off to gunshots? Dude, that would be sick. Just 10 dudes. And they planned it. They're like, all right, get your fucking lotion. We're going to see Den of Thieves. Dude, imagine going on a date with a girl to see Den of Thieves, and you just turn around and see 10 dudes spanking.

10 old dudes, probably. Probably like 50s. In a circle, just spanking, dude. Yeah. I'd be like, this is the best day of my life. Yeah, it would be good. It would be a fun time. Yeah, for sure.

Fuck yeah. But yeah, man, that's amazing that you do that. Just thinking all dudes walking out, handcuffs, pants down, walking out of the movie. You're like, what the fuck happened in there? Yeah. Dude, imagine being a teacher after that though somebody finds out like dude you're obviously gonna catch some you know some heat for that well yeah i don't think he did that and then just like went back to school

i mean dude i don't think he showed up the next day and was like well rumors were it was like five years previous to him teaching i mean and like, he's a math teacher, so he's drawn circles Oh, wait, he got arrested for this already and then fucking teach, talk? He got arrested for circle jerking

and then became a math teacher. How? How? That's what I'm saying, dude. It was insane, bro. Yeah,

that doesn't make sense at all, but good on your school for being like, we'll give you a second chance. Dude, talk about a comeback, bro. Talk about overcoming adversity, bro. there what else you got um you're just drawing circles like half your job involves circles yeah he just had the chalkboard drawing a circle and he stops halfway he goes and he finishes it draw some popcorn in the middle yeah halfway through they're all holding a circles

holding hands all halfway through just like a fucking single tear just rolls down his eye dude mr smith are you okay just thinking about den of thieves yeah about that movie thinking about my brothers i wonder what the other guys are doing yeah i don't even understand that though dude like a circle jerk like that sounds like some fucking illuminati shit dude yeah it almost seems like you're trying to like travel into another dimension yeah you know i'm saying yeah yeah definitely what happens if the circle is like a little bit off what happens if you all come at the same time yeah what happens then you all just fucking travel back in time yeah and then you are in den of thieves yeah you're the you're now holding an ak that'd be fucking sick man that'd be what if that's the that's the way to go any movie you want to go in just get your boys together

and go all right everybody lube up dude that'd be fucking crazy man you do like a circle jerk and like the fucking tectonic plate shift you're in space jam there's just like 50 random explosions around the world yeah no reason like they can't figure it out no and like only you and your boys know yeah fuck that'd be a good superpower bro yeah if you were baked and that happened that'd be great you turn on the news yeah they're like yeah there's just 50 random explosions around the world and then one time you leave a guy out and he's like fuck the boys got together yeah there's an earthquake in nepal the boys fuck dude i wonder if there's like meetings for that meetings for how do you how do you like i mean not a lot of like dude a circle is like a that's a lot of dudes that's at least 10 dudes to get a good yeah yeah you need at least you

think 10 i think you do a five that'd be kind of risky, man. You're going to make some jumps. You're going to be like, it's going to be, yeah. Yeah. Dude, I wonder if there's like Facebook groups for it. Probably. We should start one, dude. Circle Jerking at Movies, CGM. Dude, how many people do you think we could get in like a Facebook group?

Worldwide? No, just in this area. Oh, in this area? In Queens? We could amount. On Dimars Boulevard? Maybe like 300? In Queens alone On Dimars Boulevard? Maybe like 300? In Queens alone?

There's probably 10 guys in this building. We should start putting up flyers, dude. Yeah. Circle jerk me. What's our logo? Yeah. Just Illuminati, but with a circle around it. Just a circle, dude?

Yeah. And a bunch of rip dudes on it, obviously. 300. Yeah, maybe, dude. Maybe we could just do something random, dude. Like a circle, but it's like all dicks. Circle with points in the it, obviously. 300. Yeah, maybe, dude. Maybe just do something random, dude, like a circle, but it's like all dicks. Circle with like points in the circle, though. So it's like a sun.

You know how you draw a sun, but then it's in. Yeah, or just a circle of dicks. Okay. I like that. Yeah. Yeah. But are the dicks in or are they pointing like up? The dicks are forming the circle, yeah.

Okay. So they're all like different angles. But like we're looking at, if it's on a sheet of paper, you're looking down and you're seeing the hole? Yeah. Okay. I like that. And, like, all the dicks are pointed in different directions. Okay.

So it's, like, fucking super confusing. And we have different colors. Oh, all are welcome. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. Different sizes, too. I'm just thinking about, like, a suburban area.

They, like, put up a sign that says like open house or like yard sale and then like right above it it just has that sign yeah yeah that would be fun we should start that group yeah facebook group fucking down dude how many groups there are out there man so many there's no reason we can't start it up i mean there's no reason we can't start it now how far do we get that would be the issue yeah i've been to a movie there's probably like a lot of like legal issues yeah we can't start it up. I mean, there's no reason we can't start it. Now, how far do we get? That would be the issue. Yeah. I haven't been to a movie theater in a long time. There's probably, like, a lot of, like, legal issues.

Yeah. We can get a legal team. Yeah. Hey, so we have this idea. Go to a bank. We're looking for a loan. Okay, what's the idea? You ever heard of Den of Thieves?

Just leave with Den of Thieves. Yeah, oh, yeah, the movie that made my friend Circle jerk, too. Yeah. They'll throw him off a little bit, though. Yeah. They'd shit we gotta fucking call someone yeah yeah but yeah dude that's literally the like one of the you know craziest things i've ever heard dude that you can be a math teacher after that yeah that almost seems like not real yeah dude i swear on my life man i will I know people think I'm lying, dude. I will message fucking anyone. No, I believe you, but it's almost like the school didn't know. Because it seems insane to hire a guy.

I think they for sure knew. And they probably felt sympathy for him, dude. Because all the shit he must have taken. He lied on his resume. It's definitely in the background, check. You think so? It's kind of hard to get that like you know i don't know how much community service you can do to get that fucking

taken off yeah you know yeah i don't think i don't think they're giving pedophiles like all right if you clean up the streets for a little bit we'll get rid of this little blip on the radar yeah that'd be wild man yeah but dudes when you were like when you were younger what were you doing were you playing other sports you were just playing baseball i was playing other sports i was a football basketball baseball guy i was a big sports guy my whole life yeah but again man i think it was and i you know like a product of your environment i like sports but like even now i don't really give a shit anymore yeah i feel the same way man i like like i kind of like it. USA played Japan yesterday, and I was interested, kind of, but I don't really care.

I don't care about any team in particular. I like the idea of it, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no, dude. Recently, I haven't really been feeling manly at all, and I feel like I used to feel like that dog in me, dog. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I feel you.

You know what I did there? See what I did there? The dog's out? No, dude. me, dog. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I feel you. You know how you did that? The dog's out? No, dude, I want to fucking, I want that, you know, you know the feeling, dude? Like where you just feel like a fucking, a real man, dude. Yeah, you don't have that anymore? No, dude, I literally want to like grow out a fucking full bush and like not pay my taxes, dude. That, yeah, that's a start. Scream fuck around and find out.

Go, you got to start screaming vagina again. Yeah. Did you feel like a man back then? I don't think so. Oh, okay. So maybe not. Maybe you don't listen to me. I mean, that is a manly thing to do, though. Yeah.

What straight man doesn't love doing that? Imagine that, dude. Just walking into like a fucking Ace Hardware, yelling vagina. Yeah, Home Depot. Just being like, my bad, dude. I just wanted to feel like a man. Home Depot. Vagina.

I'm here for some lumber. Yeah. You don't feel that, though, do you? You don't feel like you've. Home Depot vagina. I'm here for some lumber. Yeah. You don't feel that, though, do you? You don't feel like you've lost manliness at all? No, I'm not a man. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

You don't feel soft at all, ever? I don't feel soft. But I don't feel like a Greek hairy-armed arm type of man so you feel like you could still hang is what you're saying hang with who the boys yeah yeah for sure like a push came to shove dude if we but like the fellas at the mechanic shop i couldn't hang with those guys yeah i could i wouldn't know what to say yeah i just meant like dude if you're hanging with the boys and they're like yo let's go toss the skin. Oh, I could do that. Yeah.

Of course. But, dude, that would make you fucking, you'd start having flashbacks and shit. Yeah. They put some fucking, some burgers on the grill and shit. Dude, you start crying for no reason. Yeah. You don't even know why. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I could do that, though. Dude. I could hang out with the bros. Even, like, two years ago, maybe even, like, when I was in college college, like me and my buddy would go and like just toss. Like we would play catch with the football in like the Dollar Tree parking lot, man. And we would just drink like Dunkin' Coffee, dude. Yeah. It was like some of the best nights of my life, man.

Yeah. That's a good time. Yeah. Why Dollar Tree? Just because? The only one there? It was just, dude, it was a massive parking lot, man. Yeah.

And they had lights. Yeah. And dude, I would just take my fucking football that I got from Walmartmart dude yeah we just throw fucking hail marys dude was that nerf football no there was like a green one oh it was like nfl yeah dude official size dude but it was from walmart so it was like kind of hard to throw yeah it was very slippery yeah so you gotta like palm it and just you gotta like basically push it with your arm. Dude, I was stoned once with my buddy, and I was like, dude, I'm going to take you to, like, a magical place right now. Took him to the fucking Dollar Tree parking lot, dude. I was like, get out of the car.

It was, like, negative 10 degrees. Here you go. Take your gloves off. We're playing catch. Yeah. I was like, dude, go run a route. So we're, like, running routes, just getting, like, frostbite. And, like, the ball goes up on the

snow mound my friend goes to get it like slips and falls on his back he just laid there like yelling yeah for like 10 minutes that's tough too dude 10 degrees probably ice bro all the blood and you're high yeah oh yeah okay that's tough man you look like what would what would you do if you fell dude because you look like what i feel like you just keep going you look like this you i feel like you hate the way no no i'm just thinking about you falling on ice like would you laugh at all oh yeah yeah i'm a big uh that's the worst thing ever, dude, when you fall. Yeah. So you wouldn't get up and be like, fuck.

No. Who the fuck am I going to do that to? I don't know, man. Some people don't think it's funny. If I fall in public? No, of course. I'm looking at the next person. I'm tripping the next person being like, you're with me.

Just to laugh it off, man. I don't know, man. I just feel like everyone's kind of serious around here, dude. No one thinks farts are funny, dude. No. Nobody thinks falling's funny. I saw a dude wipe out- Who doesn't think that? Who doesn't think farts and falling are funny?

People around fucking NYU, dude. Yeah, the NYU kids. I don't know, man. Who are you hanging out with? Just myself, man. Well, there you go. You're seeing NYU kids. I don't have any friends, bro, but-

Kids with fingernails. Dude, I saw a fucking dude going full speed on one of those electric city bikes. Yeah. Eat shit in front of like 20 NYU girls. Wait, wait. How did he eat shit just random? Did he turn? Dude, he just went full speed and he tried to act cool and he started swerving back and forth trying to act cool fall is the best fall yeah and dude when he fell i was

walking towards him and i saw like the girls yeah and like they didn't laugh at all so i was like i was like oh dude i have to keep a straight face but dude inside of me bro like dude i was you're dying dude i was fucking i was tearing up but i was like straight faced yeah like dude why why yeah it was why do you think you had to keep it together though you couldn't laugh i don't know i just felt like a puss like that's what i'm saying like i feel like a pussy i feel like if i laughed because if i laughed it would have been noticeable yeah i would have been pissing laughing dude well that's hilarious dude trying to act cool thing is so funny especially on an e-bike where you're not even pedaling the electric ones you're trying to be cool and you're not even doing you're

just sitting it down you're trying to be like look how fast i can make those things go fucking fast i've never taken one dude oh dude he was going like 15 miles an hour fuck yeah in front of 20 you girls wearing the low rise jeans and their stomachs showing. Dude, they were pretty fucking hot, man. Yeah, I bet. They were probably majoring in like fucking emotional intelligence. Yeah. Fucking preventative care emotion side.

Introduction to anal. Yeah, that's probably it. Introduction to anal. Anal 101. Yeah. Yeah, hell hell yeah those kids are soft bro and what are you i'm a fucking pussy dude no i've never even like i've never spoken to them but the fact that they didn't laugh just says everything i need to know about them dude you know i'm saying yeah have you ever like ripped before and like no one laughs besides you a fart yeah in class dude i remember Have you ever like ripped before and like no one laughs besides you? A fart? Yeah. In class, dude. I remember farts.

I mean, there was this one Spanish teacher we had where she was so serious all the time. And I remember one class. She was like fucking really on it. And oh, fuck. I have something in my eye maybe it's a fucking dog i'm allergic uh and then i farted and like me and my like my friends laugh but then the other kids are like why would you and i'm like fucking that's like the story of my life yeah yeah it's but the friends get it but that's why i like when you're oh, everybody's so serious. I'm like, no.

The comics you hang out with get it. But the people, yeah. I mean, in Rhode Island, if you go to a bagel shop and fart, is the whole fucking store being like, Johnny. Yeah, I mean, I would. Yeah, but I'm saying there's always people that are like, fucking in public. I think that's what makes it funny, though, is that they're disturbed. Yeah, of course. You know what I mean? Right. If everyone was laughing like it wouldn't be as funny yeah i'm saying yeah yeah it's like that patrice thing i just thought like at a certain moment or like a point in life like farts wouldn't be funny and i haven't really no i don't think

they'll always be funny yeah for sure man of course yeah yeah you know what's funny though dude is like the moment of silence yeah and then you let one dude if you rip a fart during a moment of silence dude that's the best could you could you could you go i want to fart right now and fart no yeah i feel like i knew kids i wouldn't be here right now i feel like i knew kids in high school that like could do that like pledge of allegiance and just let it go damn yeah somebody farted in uh like class during the moment of silence for 9-11 could not stop laughing man that's probably that's probably the first moment of silence to do it for oh fuck unless like it's like a really good way to get detention too dude oh yeah every time people

will lose and then you fart in detention when you're supposed to be quiet. That's the best. When you're already in trouble. Because you can't go to extra detention. Yeah. Well, I guess you can go the next day. Scream, run it back. Yeah.

Fucking see you tomorrow, Mr. Calcagno. Dude, how do you go from like Division I baseball to comedy though? Seems like a... Oh, I always love comedy um i like uh i was i i like i've been upset like i always i will go to since high school i went to sleep listening to like pandora comedy i just always love it yeah and then you decided to try it one day well in college my coach he had to give like a speech and i was known that that guy's like the guy like love comedy and he asked me like write jokes and i never gave him to him but i did and that was

like the first time i was like oh fucking maybe yeah and then uh after college i like worked my job like i got a regular job i had no clue what i wanted to do in my life like i never thought once about like i'm gonna go get a real job i was like i'm gonna either play baseball or i don't fucking know and then i got a job for like a year i wanted to kill myself every day so i was like, I'm going to either play baseball or I don't fucking know. And then I got a job for like a year and wanted to kill myself every day. So I was like, I'm just going to do comedy. Yeah. That was it. That was it.

And then I still worked a job until the pandemic and then I got fired. And I was like, well, this is my life. $9,000 for the rest of my life. Yeah. This was in New Jersey though? Well, I was living in New York when the pandemic hit and then I moved home. Yeah. Yeah. How far away is that? Like an hour an hour oh it's not that bad no dude from here to manhattan is like an hour i know so it's like the same thing yeah except i like car um yeah yeah car here is

like 20 minutes dude so describe like new jersey to me, man, because I like, I've met one of my roommates from New Jersey and he was a cool dude. What town, you know? No. New Jersey is a lot of different fucking, yeah, a lot of different. So like what you have like the shore, obviously, which is like what everyone thinks about. Yeah, but that's not true at all. Shore is great.

Really? There's a great part of the shore. You a big fan of the shore, dude? I don't go a lot. Yeah. I don't, no, I don't really go, but there's parts of the shore dude i don't go a lot um yeah i don't no i don't really go but there's parts of the shore that like are awesome like the jersey shore is hilarious but it's also like that's not what it is at all there's part i mean they're obviously actual

the show you're talking about the show or like going to the shore the okay so the shore jersey shore the shore itself not the show is awesome there's a part of it that is the show, but that part sucks. Yeah. Yeah. That part is literally. Where does the stereotype come from? Just like the. That part.

That part. Really? Yeah. And I guess that is like a big part of the shore and especially now because of the show. But there's like fucking nice parts of the shore. Yeah. Yeah. Do you like think about like

like did new jersey like make you who you are kind of no not at all i actually was talking about this with somebody else i think maybe my roommate because he's fucking he's from albania i was debating whether i should say it or not i don't know why but he he like loves it i don't think i was talking with him about it but i fucking have no affiliation or care about new jersey or being irish or anything i have no fuck i could i don't care at all yeah that's interesting man yeah maybe it's everyone's different bro that's a good point everyone's just different dude people are different because people like naturally want to over generalize everything so anytime new jersey gets brought up people are like oh dude it's a fucking dump oh i don't care but if you're from jersey and you say it's a dump dude people will start throwing fucking haymakers like yeah people like to defend jersey i'm like i i just don't even

i almost don't even feel like i'm from there like i don't i just don't even give a shit i kind of want to just go just go check it out go check it out you know give a shit. I kind of want to just go, just to check it out. Go check it out. You know what I mean? Go check it. I want to go see it for myself. It's a good, it's a good, it's just a regular place. You ever been fucking anywhere?

That's like what it is. Dude, it is funny, because like people are always like, this place is weird, and this place, I haven't been a lot of places in my life, but every place I go,

it's just roads and houses. Yeah. That's all it fucking, I don't know why people try to be like all the south is this and you're like i mean yeah maybe you'll run up and see like a big church and be like oh they do love jesus but that's it yeah until you come here then you're like dude this is literally fucking narnia yeah this is a different universe man i kind of grew up around this side this is like what i know yeah i dude, you move here for like the first two weeks. You're literally having like mini aneurysms like every day.

Why? What do you mean? Why do these people like shitting in the road? Like there's trash everywhere. I guess that's just like normal to me. Yeah. But I'm saying like, dude, I grew up in like suburbs. Yeah.

Like I grew up in like a small town. So it's like John Mellencamp, you know, like a small town. And then you fucking come here and you're like, holy shit. Yeah. That guy just took a shit on a freeway. And people didn't even give a shit. Yeah. People just drove around it.

Yeah. Yeah. That's a thing though. I guess, man. I think I'm just like too dumb to like process stuff sometimes where I'm like, I'll see some crazy shit and I'll just be like, yeah, man, I don't know. I guess it just happens. Like I just don't even be like. Yeah, well, that's what I'm saying, dude. Like here people see shit and they're like, oh, whatever. Yeah. Anywhere else, dude. If you did that same thing, like if you witnessed the same thing.

Yeah. It would be like everywhere, dude. It would be on the news. Yeah. People would be spreading rumors about it yeah you know what i mean yeah but it's also i mean i'm i think what i'm saying is like but yeah that made like to me that makes sense like in new york there's fucking lunatics and that's just like a given but if you go to like wherever you're from and somebody shits in the highway that's that's big deal. Because the latest story was five years ago, the guy jerked off. That was it. Yeah. And then the next thing you know, this guy's shitting now.

And that's like, it's a big story. But in New York, fucking, that doesn't matter. Yeah. That's what I'm saying, though. I don't know if that makes sense. I think it just takes some time to get used to. Oh, yeah. It should be like that everywhere, though.

Yeah. People should be more open-minded. It's slowly becoming that. You should be able to shit on the freeway in a small town and it should be fine yeah yeah focus on the bigger issues yeah shitting that guy fucking didn't hurt anyone we need more homeless people dude if you take a shit on the freeway and people are on the way to work do you know how many people's days you just made yes that's what i always used to say do you know how people will be like oh this guy jumped in front of the subway and made me late to work i'm like like, that would be the best fucking day ever.

Yeah. You're late to work. You don't have to go to work. Yeah. I never got that. Yeah. It's like, dude, that's what, especially like older, like husbands. Yeah.

That's what they want to see, dude. Like your daughter's recital, dude. They want to see some dude fucking run out dressed in a fucking Eagle costume and they probably do. Yeah. Yeah. It's boring as hell. They don't want to see their daughter

do well no no daughters aren't supposed to do well yeah any like random occurrence that's ever happened in a professional environment has been the best thing ever man yeah yeah like streakers at a at a game like this is fun yeah that's what we live for dude yeah and they never show it on tv really no isn't it usually on like the top 10 or no no really no they never show it anymore yeah kind of tough way to go out man go out of what i mean dude just think about it if you're like in love with some chick and like you just get a little too drunk and you decide to like pull your pants down and run across a field like everyone sees your piece. Yeah. There's no way it's going to be, like.

Good. Yeah, it's not going to be fucking. Yeah, you're running. You're working out. It's not going to be fluffed up, dude. Working out, dick, dude. Oh, dude. Literally insane. With compression shorts?

And I can't even remember. I guess it might be different. Actually, dude, compression shorts get me fluffed up a little bit. They do. They do. The blood. Yeah. But then squatting, that's not good.

Can't squat. Yeah, for sure, man sure man like today at the gym i was doing those leg raises like like sitting down doing this like straight leg raises for abs oh like laying down completely got abs no dude i'm trying to get them i'm never gonna have abs dude how do you eat just like chicken nuggets and shit okay it's pretty good it's healthy but dude that's uh that's a risky thing to do man leg raises with your fucking legs open shit your pants my piece is fucking small oh yeah that too but you're also doing this shit any ab work i always feel like i'm gonna shit my pants dude i shit my pants in the gym before holy fuck oh yeah wow what were you doing some abs because you gotta like

fuck you really gotta squeeze your shit yeah if you want them dude you gotta really fucking yeah contract that yeah it wasn't like a lot but it was enough where i'm like the smell just changed yeah i was like i gotta get out of here right now damn dude you fucking sprinted out yeah dude i used to do i tried crossfit in high school which is already like a red flag in general dude they used to get us pumped up before workouts and i was just with like a bunch of like middle-aged women yeah and just like some like loser guys and dude they were they were trying to get us jacked up for a workout once dude and the first exercise was rowing like on the row machines dude so he started the workout and i leaned back and fucking ripped the loudest fart, dude. And I started legit crying and laughing, dude.

Yeah. Dude, I was laughing so hard, bro. The ladies didn't think it was funny, though. And, like, the guy was like, all right, John, like, you need to work, like, do the workout or get out. And so, like, I started rowing again. And I was super behind. Yeah. So all of, like, the middle-aged women were already on to the next exercise, which was box jumps.

Uh-huh. Dude, this lady, I was laughing so hard, dude. She was so disturbed at what had happened. She was trying to jump on the box and just fucking missed and slammed her knees on the box, dude. And then her face hit the box? I just couldn't. No, she just hit her knees on the box and scraped them off. She was getting super upset.

Dude, I couldn't finish the workout. Yeah, workout yeah that's hilarious ripping farts during shit like that man that's your favorite thing farts and falls have you ever ripped a fart squatting dude yeah that's embarrassing too because i hate i farted once and it was it was uh i was trying to hook up with this girl i'm not i don't know i was trying to date this girl and and um and uh we were squatting and with rock it was in college and all the there was no like football dream baseball it was everybody was together and the girl was there and i farted and i fucking hated it you you farted squatting in front of a girl yeah that's yeah you were squatting together no but they're like there yeah it wasn't like we went to like a small D1 school. It wasn't like we had LSU equipment.

Do you think she heard it though? I don't know, but I was, I fucking hated it. I was like, fuck. Yeah. I thought you were saying like you were doing like a workout together. No, no, no. But they're there. Like you intertwined, you know, they would have like lacrosse and.

Imagine that dude. You're like working out with some chick. She's like giving you a spot. Yeah. You just fucking rip her. That'd be cool if she respected it, dude. She goes, hell yeah, dude. You're like working out with some chick. She's like giving you a spot. Yeah. You just fucking rip her. That would be cool if she respected it, dude. She goes, hell yeah, dude. This is the funniest thing to fart during a squat at the bottom because then you have to come up.

Yeah. You ever almost puke working out? I've almost done that. No, I don't think I've worked hard enough to like. Deadlifting. You probably did. No, I've worked pretty hard working out, but I've never like gotten that feeling like everyone else gets. Where they're like going to throw up. I'm more like I'm on that fucking shit i don't think i'm not a big throw

up guy it's not like working hard i think it's it's like it's uh strenuous like i guess it's working hard like you're trying really hard to like squat it it's not like i'm fucking running so much i'm gonna throw up it's like yeah pushing so much within your body that you feel like you're gonna throw up yeah i mean i've seen like a lot of dudes throw up during like conditioning not that i've never done that yeah i've never done that but you mean like like like trying to get a squat up and dudes just like will vomit oh yeah i mean i've seen videos of it but i've never like had that feeling yeah if i had like a fucking bowl of spaghetti or something yeah before for sure that might happen.

Yeah. With the belt, you use a belt? No, I don't even squat anymore, dude. Why? My back's fucked. Really? Yeah. My back is so fucked.

I'll do like the fucking hack squat, but dude, if I did an actual squat. What is that? It's like just the machine squats. Oh. They're like, you know. I haven't worked out in fucking. You're not in the gym, dude?

No. Why not? Because I just. It's like sports. You don't feel like shit, dude? Don't care. When you don't go to the gym? I walk a lot.

Yeah? Yeah. Fucking pussy shit. Like a 60-year-old man, I walk a lot. I thought you said you enjoyed working out in college, though. I loved it. Yeah. And then I just didn though. I loved it. Yeah. And then I just didn't, I don't care anymore.

Wow, dude. So you were like one of those dudes who like looked forward to going to the gym. Oh yeah. And now you're just like. Fucking pre-workout, post-workout. That's what I'm like now, dude. That's all I look forward to. Rice and fucking steak and all that shit.

And I straight up, there was a point in my life where after college when I was trying to figure out what to do, I was like, I'm going to be a trainer. Yeah. And then I just straight up do not give a fuck at all damn why is everyone like that now man i can't find anyone that like works out i just don't everyone just talks shit about it dude i love it no no i love it yeah i wish i cared i love fucking jack dudes i love them you look like somebody who like a fucking bodybuilding coach i love jack like i love seeing a fucking male physique and be like that's good

it's good like no homo no you can even fucking a homo dude that's you don't even say no homo no i just straight up that's a good body dude same here man i love i love good male bodies hell yeah dude i fucking love them just complimenting a dude's fucking peak like like barry bond i'm a huge the biggest bar Bonds fan of all time. Really? Oh, yeah. Barry Bonds, Mark McGuire, dude. That whole, I love steroids. You love dudes who are just fucking. Jack, dude. I love dudes that just drink milk.

Hell yeah, man. Yeah. Those are the best types of dudes, man. They're the best. That's just like amazing though, dude, that like, what do you think switched in your, like, was it right when it ended, like right after college? No, no, no. I got, I finished college and then I, for a while I was like, oh, I will like be a trainer. That'll be like my thing. switched in your like was it right when it ended like right after college no no no i got i finished

college and then i for a while i was like oh i will like be a trainer that'll be like my thing and then i i kind of just nothing really clicked and then i like once i like got once i actually was kind of like okay i'm just gonna do comedy now forever yeah everything else i was like i just don't even really care what if you get like health issues though dude i don't care like fuck they're like dude you have diabetes I'm so scared I have diabetes. I piss every 30 minutes. That's a pretty good sign. Dude, I piss every fucking 10 seconds.

Yeah, dude. I have to piss right now. I don't have to, but I piss so much. I eat horrible. I mean, I don't drink anymore. In the first 250 days of getting sober, I probably had 300 pints of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Wow. I just can't stop eating.

What do you do on the weekends then? Just comedy? Yeah. That's it? It's a pretty lame life, dude. I mean, that's good that you're not drinking, though. When you drink and you like shit, it's like, dude. But that's what that is.

Yeah. But I didn't eat as bad. I've replaced drinking with eating. I didn't eat as bad when I was drinking. Yeah, so you need something to keep you going. Yeah, and it's food. All I do is now food. Nothing wrong with that, dude.

But, dude, if I was drinking and eating like shit. Do you drink? No, not really. But once a month, maybe, you know? That's awesome. I fucking wish I could, like, do that. Yeah. I wish I could.

Yeah, just go once a month. Are you just, like, an alcoholic or something? That's what people say. Oh oh so you're one of those you're like me dude you're like you can't like go once and stop with anything anything i like i'm gonna do it a million times that's why you get sick though yeah yeah because i mean would that's why i stopped drinking yeah yeah because i was you have an addictive personality oh yeah i was blacking out every day every day pretty much jesus christ man yeah it's for sure an issue dude every day yeah but here's the thing dude i wish i wish i gave myself like an extra six months to a year i feel like i stopped

too early yeah yeah that's what i do once a month man if i if i like if i'm sober for too long i'm just like dude i'm like you need to geted. I'm seeing like too clearly right now. Like I need to like loosen up a little bit. Screen vagina. You know what I'm saying? Screen vagina is the way to go. Yeah, yeah. I might just start doing that.

Because now I'm a year and I'm like, oh, I want to do something. And I know I shouldn't drink. I can't. Even like, dude, I started having non-alcoholics after a year. I had 18 non-alcoholics the other day just hanging out. Dude, your piss must have been like brown. Yeah, it was horrible a year. I had 18 non-alcoholics the other day just hanging out. Dude, your piss must have been like brown. Yeah, it was horrible.

Yeah. I fucked up my stomach too. Oh, dude, those are so bad. You ever have a Lenny and Larry's cookie? Yeah, yeah, the protein cookie. Yeah, they fuck up my stomach too. Really? So bad. It's just like cardboard, dude.

It's terrible, but they're so good. Yeah. I'll have some of those after like the gym, dude. Just gain like five pounds on the spot. That's the thing dude if i'll like if i like go for a big walk now i'll be i'll eat as if i deadlifted 500 pounds like i used to i'll be like i deserve rice and protein yeah and like protein shake oh do i feel the same way man that's what it's all about and then if i don't work out i just probably i just eat worse i have like pizza it's all about working your ass off dude and then ruining it like directly oh yeah yeah that's that's of course with food yeah well it's been

uh an hour and 15 dude oh really this has been flying by bro fuck yeah um i don't have anything else yeah what do you think about carson now you like carson yeah dude it was a pleasure to meet you man yeah sit down and talk to you do you think i look like carson feel like a car no dude you're not a carson bro okay i'll say that confidently good that fucking but it's nice to sit i mean i've seen you before man we just never sat down like yeah we never had a conversation dude no but that's how uh that's how life works dude it's how life works sometimes you sit down and have a conversation dude it was it was a pleasure, man. Yeah, we should start that Facebook group. Yeah, we're going to start that Facebook group, dude, tonight, bro.

Circle jerks. Yeah, do you want to just give your info to the fans, dude? Sure. Just follow me on Instagram. T-E-E-J Francis.