The Johnny Salami Podcast - Tommy Bayer

Episode Date: December 10, 2023

Tommy Bayer by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Oh bro I'm hurting. We've never really spoken. I called you T-Money, though, dude. T-Money's huge. I've gotten T-Money. I said, yes, sir.

Yeah. I said, reporting for duty. So we're already we're already friends we're already there yeah well that's kind of how guys go it's just like what's up big dog and it's like yeah i think this is the best man at my wedding actually yeah i mean that's how i go right in dude i don't hold back yeah if i get drunk with like a stranger like a guy i'm like well i love him yeah i love this man no homo yeah yeah no homo yeah maybe a little homo maybe a little bit yeah maybe a little bit like respectfully yeah i've been trying to figure that whole thing out man that i don't even know if it's a spectrum or not the homosexual thing you think it's uh you think it's more of a binary these days you're either in or not you're out i mean that's what i used to think but now that i live here i'm kind of like can you be like 10 15 well that's the spectrum well every dude no

matter what you say is at least 10 sure yeah for sure what do you think qualifies like the is it because it's there's the number game how much you know how much how much would someone pay you if you had to suck a dick and that's the spectrum really to suck a dick not a lot of money man at this point at this point you throw me 100k dude i'll do it 100k for sure i'm talking about what about like five hundred case always been on the table yeah you throw me 5k dude i'll i'll spend a night thinking about it that's what i'm saying. Yeah, dude. That's like three months of like income and food, man.

Yeah. I work in restaurants, so I work with a lot of gay people, obviously. You work in restaurants in New York. I didn't know that was a thing, but now I know. Well, yeah, the gays work in restaurants. Okay. You know, because, you know. I did not know that, no.

Yeah, because it's like, you know, gay culture. It's like a party culture. I'm like, I feel like I'm like your, I feel like I'm like a straight guy ambassador for guys like you. Oh, yeah. Where I'm like, this is what's going on in the gay community. And then you're like, no shit. Yeah. And then I'm kind of like, oh, maybe I'm not gay. Yeah.

You know. Yeah. But it's cool to just like talk about it. I feel like a lot of guys are scared to just even say gay. Yeah, yeah. Which makes me think they're gay. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, the fear maybe. Yeah.

I had a coworker though. He was like, if I paid you four grand, would you let me suck your dick? At work. Also, if you work in restaurants, it's all about getting a little a little sexually assaulted all the time yeah how long did it take you to answer that question well i said i was like i don't think so i think it would ruin our friendship but he was like what are you talking about this would make our friendship and then i was like all right well let me think i was like give me a minute let me think about it i like, give me a minute. Let me think about it. I think about that sometimes.

And I love talking to dudes, man. Like, I love just having like a bro-to-bro combo. Have you ever had a woman on the podcast? Yeah, we've had a few women. It's not as great. But, dude, I love tits. Yeah. I just can't imagine just sucking a dude off no that'd be crazy

yeah i don't even think dude i don't even think i could get hard if a dude was like blowing me yeah i mean i think do whatever he could suck on my fucking nuts dude he can do whatever you like whisper that i'm gay in my ear and shit like i don't think i would get hard yeah so you're i and you're just like sorry man yeah i'm just like i'm basically like you know when you go hiking and you see like the fucking fork in the road that's where i'm at right now just a lot of things like you can either i don't know which way i'm going yet yeah yeah i think you know yeah i I think you keep going back and forth. What you're doing right now is you're just like, I can't imagine not loving pussy, but

I'm at the same time. I'm at the place right now where I might be gay. Oh, yeah. I mean, dude, I love tits, but anytime I go on a date with a woman, when I go home, I'm like, dude, I might be a little gay. Are you doing are you doing apps no but once a year man i'll go out and i'll have the one day a year yeah just fucking literally think about blowing my nuts how are you how are you meeting girls usually just instagram man

yeah it's kind of what i've been doing just mentally ill women who are like they dm you yeah and i go all right do they dm you because of the whole comedy thing or yeah because it has to be that it can't be anything else yeah also i got the thing going on where like i'm like a weird goofy looking guy so why would you laugh at that yeah no i'm just like laughing at your honesty dude okay yeah takes a lot to say that you know what what I mean? Yeah, I'm brave. Yeah. But women think like, and okay, I'm going to be speaking for you.

We're not conventionally attractive. We're kind of on opposite ends. Yeah. So women like me because they like a little twink boy. Okay. They're like, this is fun. You, they're like, oh, this is kind of like, a, you're maybe more of like a bro-y guy. I mean.

You know? Yeah. There's a lot of women out there who enjoy. They enjoy that. Autism. Yeah. It's like bro-y. You got like bro-tism.

You got bro-tism. Bro-tism, dude. Damn. Don't write that down. Yeah. You might have to get that. Yeah. On paper.

But yeah, they'll DM me. But I'm starting to think of not doing that anymore because then we're on opposite playing fields. Because they've already kind of made up their mind about me. And I haven't made up my mind about them. I don't know them. I'm meeting them for the first time. So a woman will DM me and she'll be like,

oh, you're funny. And I'll just hit them back like, let's grab a drink sometime. You should go right into it. And then they'll be like, all right, cool. And I'm just like, yeah, for sure. Just let me know. Yeah, a lot of chicks don't hit me up, man.

But the thing with me, man, it's like if I'm hanging out with a chick in person, bro, I'll fucking crush it, dude. Yeah. You know, if we're doing something fun, man, you want to go to an arcade man oh you're good in that situation oh yeah dude i'm good at a bar okay you get me in a bar man yeah i'll fucking kill myself i'm at a bar but if we're like an arcade mini golfing dude you need an activity see that's a little brotism yeah a little bit yeah yeah you Bright lights and like... Yeah, you need something going on. You need to put a ball through a hoop. Need a ball out, bro.

Yeah, you need to win at a game. And then you're like, have I earned your pussy yet? Yeah, my tough L. Yeah. You know? You have to like show that you're, you know, you can like, it's like you can show that you can hunt. Oh, yeah. Type.

I'm like an alpha male. Yeah. Yeah. You know? Go to like a... Where do you go? What's the adult video game place where you get liquor? What's it called?

Adult video game? No, it's like the game... You know what I'm talking about. GameStop. No, not GameStop. Like you go... You go... You know what I'm talking about. GameStop. No, not GameStop. Like, you go... You go... You know what I'm talking about.

They have one open in, like, Manhattan, and you... Oh, the Barcade place? Yeah, it's like... No, it's not Barcade. It's the big one. They got them all over. Dave and Buster's? Dave and Buster's.

There we go. Yeah. We fucking... We persevered through that, man. We didn't give up, dude. Do you, like, bring someone to Dave and Buster's? No, I haven't been in a while, man. I think I had a birthday party there once. Yeah. Just ate a bunch of pasta and fucking, like, shit my pants. Sure, dude. Do you like bring someone to Dave and Buster's? No, I haven't been in a while, man. I think I had a birthday party there once.

Yeah. Just ate a bunch of pasta and fucking like shit my pants. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. I don't even think I played any games when I was younger. I just fucking went there for like the chicken. Oh, you went there when you were a kid?

I just went there for like the chicken fingers and the atmosphere. Yeah. What about, did you ever do laser tag? Yeah. Yeah. That was a big birthday. What are you from boston rhode island okay yeah they had this place in fall river massachusetts called laser gate it's pretty

well known it's like pizza gate but yeah dude these fucking dudes from uh they would just be like these uh these army reserves guys they would always be there running it and sometimes they would play and just mess everyone up yeah they're nice i was like 300 pounds dude and when you run in were you a fat you're a fat kid yeah when you run in dude it's complete so dark like your eyes have to adjust yeah so i i'm running in like holding my gun the wrong way and uh there's ramps for like levels but they're like steep ramps yeah and i 300 pounds not that big but how tall are you i had tits six feet same on a good day same if i'm like if my posture is good yeah my posture's getting bad oh yeah for sure man my neck is fucked i'm a sloucher well you're on the computer all the time dude we should hit

one of those uh spas or something man dude can i tell you something i don't know where this is going i work at a spa wow i work at a restaurant in a spa wow an asian spa no it's like an instagram model i don't want to blow up the name you know but they would sponsor the pod no what's the matter with you send them a few clips anyways it's a it's a bathhouse okay and then i work at a restaurant above the bathhouse wow and it's kind of like a like a new agey sort of vibe is it a russian women is it a russian bathhouse no it's a it's like a new hip bat it's like a hipster so you're seeing tits all day all day oh my god man dude and i

become like nah i don't want to say i'm you and it is it just well you get so you just got to get drinks out so you stop really it's like working on like a beach bar yeah you know but it is crazy because it is women in bathing suits and they come up to the bar. What? And they're like, yeah. They're not in robes, they're in straight up bikinis? Yeah, straight up bikinis. Holy shit, man.

Yeah, no, it is crazy and, uh, are they hiring right now? Uh, yeah. Part time?

Yeah, part time bartender. I might actually roll through later just dressed like this. I mean, I just wear a black t-shirt.

Dude, I'll use you as a reference. You can use me as a reference my boy t money said there's mad titties here there is mad titties it's weird because like uh also like you'll go i'll go down i'll like go down to the bathhouse like stock shit and women will be topless but it's not it's rare doesn't happen a lot is this legal or is this like an underground it's legal so it's it's legal to be you but it's not it's rare doesn't happen a lot is this legal or is this like an underground it's legal so it's it's legal to be you can it's legal that you know that right you can be a woman topless you can like walk around in public in new york city yeah are you sure about that man positive wow yeah they passed the law is there a bunch of guys got together and they were like you know what that That's legal.

Like we need this. We're actually going to make that legal now. That's not a bad law, I don't think. No, yeah. Like if I was at a town council meeting and they proposed that, I would vote 100% for that. Yeah, it does kind of sound like a guy's idea. Yeah, I mean, dude, if you're a dude at a town council meeting. Free the nipple sounds like a guy's idea. Yeah, who would vote against that?

Yeah. Why would you do that? I'm not sure. I mean, if you have children i guess but it's like yeah your son is gonna love you even more yeah but it will it'll be like you'll see it and it is like it's not a lot it's usually it'll be like maybe like a french woman like somewhat like a european woman yeah she'll come in and you gotta be like all right that's pretty nice so these you gotta keep it chill you gotta keep it cool these chicks could

just have their tits out just chilling and you're like. I had a woman. I was waiting tables and she had a robe on because we do sell robes, but some people just opt out of it because it costs money. And she's sitting down and I'm pouring her water at the table and she takes off her robe tits and puts on her shirt while I'm at the table. And it, and it really is like a moment where you're like, just be fucking cool. Like it takes like a, like be cool. Yeah.

You know, it's like a certain, like you have to enter in like a Zen cause you can really look, you can get like a little peripheral glance, you know, but you can't, and I'm on the clock, so I can't, you can't like a little peripheral glance you know but you can't and i'm on the clock so i can't you can't be weird in any way so all jokes aside man you're getting paid to see tits yeah yeah it's uh legend dude yeah it yeah it it i will say though it is it's still a job it's still annoying Do you feel like your peripheral vision has increased a lot? I think working in a restaurant, it can increase. You just got to be aware of a lot. Yeah.

Head on a swivel, dude. Yeah. You just got to be knowing what's going on at all times. Because you can't look right into the tits. You got to be like, oh, what's that? You know? Like looking away, shaking your head. I do that at the gym all the time dude

you know what I mean I'm doing like tricep extensions I'm like staring directly at the ceiling so autistic I can't make eye contact yeah cause women are just like bending over all around you the thing is they feel weird too though so my job is to like be as normal as possible

cause they're entering a place of eating in a bikini yeah you know so i need them to be like like they come in scared because they see me behind bar and i'm just like a guy yeah they're like okay who's this like 18 year old bartending at a spa it's funny because you look like you love tits. Of course. Like you're the last person I would want to see as a woman

serving me. Yeah, I'm too. It's like, because it's like a, I have like a teenage, it's like, like, you know what I mean? Yeah, you look like

one of the guys in like a porno. Yeah, like a, you're over your friend's like house and his mom's there. Yeah, your friend's, your friend fucks your mom.

Porno. That's me. Yeah. Yeah. Your friends like late getting home from football practice and you're like, yeah, his mom's like, so what's up? Yeah. Yeah.

His mom has like, she's eating like a burrito dude gets like honey mustard like on her tits. She's like, hey, do you mind like... Honey mustard in the burrito? It's like a KFC wrap. Yeah, she's like, Tommy, do you mind like cleaning this up for me? Getting this honey mustard? I don't know if she would say that. She would be a little more...

She's not going to name the condiment. You think she'd be like, hey, Tommy, you mind getting this honey mustard? I think she'd be like, hey, Tommy, like, do you mind cleaning this up for me? I have some sauce on my shirt. With your mouth? Yeah. And you'd be like, oh, oh, oh, oh. I'd be like, I don't know.

Yeah. She'd be like, Chester's going to be home late. Chester? Yeah. That's a good name. There's really guys out there named Chester. Do you have, like, one of your boys' moms? Do you think you'd have?

Is your last name really Salami? No, no. It's Psyche. Okay. Do you go on stage as Psyche? Whatever they want, really. Sometimes it's Salami. Sometimes, yeah.

That sounds like a porn name. People think it's myogenarian. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Johnny Salami. Johnny Salami is about my nipples, though. It's not about my penis. Do you have big nipples?

I do, yeah. Dude, I have the smallest nipples maybe that anyone's ever seen. Really? In mosquito bites? You can put a dime on them and it covers it up. Do they change at all? Size? Yeah.

Well, it's like penises. There's like shrivel effect. I mean, dude, my nipples. They react to temperature. Yeah, that's what I'm asking yeah you know how it goes yeah i was wondering like if uh looks like in the summer my nipples expand and then when it gets cold they shrink yeah yeah like exponentially it's wild man so yeah exactly mine when it's cold it's i mean it's like it's It's embarrassing. It's to where if I'm at the beach, someone will be like, you have really small nipples. They'll say it to my face.

I mean, I'd rather have small nipples than huge nipples, dude. Than huge milkers? Yeah, because, dude, it adds to the size of your tits. Yeah. If they're really fluffed up. How'd you lose, you lost weight? Yeah, I think when you lose weight, your nipples kind of shrink a little bit, sure that's what i've noticed they gotta do a case study on this but when did that happen did you play sports it's happened like throughout my life i'll go through different phases yeah you

know if i'm like going through heartbreak or something i'll usually lose a bunch of weight yeah and then uh oh you don't get oh really you're like it's grind. Sometimes I've lost too much weight to the point where it looks weird. You know, people are like, oh, that guy used to be fat. Yeah, you want like a build. You're a guy who like, you got a good stature. Naturally, like genetically, I would just look weird if I was like skinny. Yeah. They'd be like, what the fuck is that?

Yeah. You know? So I've kind of accepted the whole like stock, stocky, like, closeted gay look. You know what I mean? I look like I, like, throw axes and fucking... Yeah, throw axes for sure.

Like, go to one of those beer bars where they got an axe thing in the back. Yeah, I'm just making out with fucking trees and shit. Yeah. If I...

If I gain weight and went bald... You think you could? I mean, yeah. You look like one of those dudes who's just like, can he eat whatever he wants? Yeah, you kind of. But, dude, it sneaks up on you. I'm getting old. Yeah.

Yeah. How does it sneak up on you? Do you look big at all, man? Well, my brother started gaining weight. He's your same age? A couple years older. Mm-hmm. You know? So you got to, you know you know and then also i'm like like what do i get like buff like what's the next

move should i get jacked why is that funny i could get jacked i mean i hope so man can't you get jacked and get a beard going are you trying or are you just i'll go i'll go on a run and do push-ups okay it's kind of my move pull-ups i mean you do look like a fucking nazi dude so you could do like some calisthenics and shit i appreciate that thank you yeah you look like you're you look like a fucking union soldier dude yeah both of us look like union soldiers oh we're good we're men of the north 100 dude yeah i'm just fucking doing missions and shit together i'm from like uh minneapolis oh yeah minnesota so i'm big i'm we're yeah big on the north fuck yeah dude yeah yeah man i don't know

man like i'm trying to do you think you could actually if you kept to it like if you went to the gym every day started drinking like protein shakes and stuff do you think you could or genetically do you think it's like nothing would happen and i think i could do it that'd be fucking sick dude i think i could do it but uh but i've kind of like um i've just gotten used to being like skinny you know i always wonder what that's like i don't know i don't know if i need a different like change you know yeah it's cool like women like me for being you know? Yeah. It's cool. Like women like me for being, you know, like Timothy Chalamet has done like wonders for like the weird skinny guy community, you know?

Yeah. I get so much, especially around here. Like that's what women strive for, dude. The, the, the non-binary pussy that I'm getting in Brooklyn right now.

The non, non-binary mean like you don't have a gender? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, pretty crazy. How do you know what's going on in the undercarriage? You can tell. You're just guessing?

You're just guessing. I mean, dude, you got to be good at guessing because I've seen some fucking... Well, it'll be like a beautiful woman who's like, I'm actually, I don't have a gender. And you're like, all right. That's fine, yeah. That's fine, whatever you say. You ever ask have a gender. And you're like, all right. That's fine. That's fine.

Whatever you say. You ever ask her why or, I mean, not her. Sorry. What do they refer to themselves as? Non-binary. I'm the type of dude. Do I ask why? Yeah.

I'm the type of dude. I don't ask why. Dude. I say dude a lot. I say dude Do I ask why? Yeah I'm the type of dude I don't ask why I say dude a lot I say dude I call everybody dude Have you ever called a non-binary Of course Like what's up dude

Yeah Nobody really cares That's a good preferred pronoun Yeah dude Dude Yeah it's pretty No Everyone's pretty chill I think

No one really gets mad That much I think that's kind of Blown out of proportion I think that's kind of Blown out of proportion I think that's just a couple people on the internet Yeah They're all behind computers and stuff Yeah they're all behind computers

They're not out in the fucking war field dude Yeah What are you doing on the computer? What's your job? Dude we're not gonna talk about my job dude You can't talk about that Terrible segway Tommy dude What are you doing man?

Just bad just boring computer stuff Yeah none of it's We'll get you bartending Yeah I'm genuinely thinking about getting a part-time job, dude, and that sounds great, man. Yeah, but then you're exhausted. It's hard to do stand-up at night. Oh, because it's always at night?

Well, no, you work during the day, but you get exhausted because you've got to talk to people all the time. And then you've got to go do show and like, just keep it rolling. Yeah. I mean, that's life though, man. Just keeping it rolling. That's what I, that's what I've learned from heartbreak, dude. It's like. Did you get over a breakup or something?

No, but I'm just. Just talking about heart. Yeah. Are you feeling heartbroken? I'm just like, you know, like. No, no, dude. Yeah. I don't know how to explain it, man.

It's like... Were you in a long relationship? No, man. I'm... I'm a... Single. Okay. But...

It's hard to explain, man, without sounding like a dick. Okay. Like, I just feel like Mother Nature's throwing me signals left and right. What are the signals? Like, you're fucking gay. You know? It's either, like, you're gay. Yeah're fucking gay you know it's either like you're gay yeah you know or it's like stay away from those fucking titties okay yeah like focus on yourself like yeah i think mother nature's like listen man i'm giving you a chance to focus on like things you

care about stop thinking about tits and stuff but is it but are tits being thrown in your direction no that's the thing but sometimes i'm fighting for them dude okay you're like i need to see some titties can i tell you something man absolutely man i'm watching these you ever watch these fucking superhero movies and the super villain is just like generic i just feel like a super villain in a movie should be like a big pair of tits you know what i'm saying like that's what you're fighting that's that's the what you're going up against every day dude yeah because that's what men are going through every day just fighting the temptation oh my god i've been trying to like just i'm kind of i'm not

gonna lie man because i'm trying to like focus on, I'm kind of, I'm not going to lie, man. Cause I'm trying to like focus on, I don't know. I feel like standups going, it's fun. It's going well. Yeah. Or it's at least it's, I feel like a ball is kind of moving, you know? And you don't want to ruin it with a fat pair of titties. But I keep going on dates. Yeah. Dude. Cause then I, I, I like hanging out, you know, I like going to the bar i like i like chatting with a lady it's very fun yeah you know but then you have the option though it's in front of you yeah but isn't that what you're trying to say too i'm just imagining like

a fat pair of tits off in the distance dude and all your boys are running towards and you're like no yeah yours is like this like omnipresent vague yours is like yours is like a metaphor you know what's so funny tits are like a metaphor for tits for you yeah you know but they're far away yeah everyone else's are kind of like right in front of their face and mine i, I have to like take seven different. And you're going for them, but you're straying from the path. Yeah. There's a bunch of like weather delays, train delays. Yeah. You know, mother nature's like, you don't do this.

And I'm just like, no, I have to get. And are you saying sunshine is on your path right now, but you keep going over to this like stormy area. Yeah. Where there's just like a pair of rock and naturals. I feel like if I just do comedy and just focus on that, like what I can control, then I'm just going to see like an open field with like the sun setting and like a bunch of fucking goats running around. Sure, yeah. And I'm going to be like, oh, this is it.

This is peace. This is peace. This is freedom. This is happiness. This is harmony. Instead of like chasing, I'm fighting through like fucking tornadoes and you know yeah rain and shit and then I finally get to the pair of tits and I'm like dude this sucks well dude then when you get there you're just like I don't even know if I well dude you you fucking you fuck one pair of tits and you're

like that wasn't what I thought it was gonna be right you know yeah I don't even know if I like if I like her that much yeah maybe you get through and you're like maybe I'm an ass guy sure yeah maybe that's what mother nature's trying to tell me maybe yeah this whole time I don't even know if I like her that much. Yeah, maybe you get through and you're like, maybe I'm an ass guy. Sure, yeah. Maybe that's what Mother Nature's trying to tell me. Maybe, yeah. This whole time you're focusing on the wrong thing. This is deep. Yeah.

And you're struggling with this. For sure, man. Yeah. Because you don't want to be that guy who's like, I've been that dude who's just doing comedy, playing Xbox, farting, like going to the gym. That's my whole life. And then people ask for the past seven years, my whole life, dude.

And people are like, yeah, they ask you what's up and you think about it and you're like, wow, man, like I can't even, I don't even dude, I'm struggling right now.

So much. Cause we've been at it at the same amount of time we're the same age yeah and you know i've seen your stand-up you're good like we're but we're we can do it that's why we're here right now that you and i that's why we're here tapping in figuring it out figuring out equations man we're talking about oh this is this isn't what we're talking about isn't dumb we're talking talking about physics right now. This is philosophy. This is what life's about. I mean that.

This is universal sound. But you'll get that, like other people in your life, they'll ask you, they're like, so what's going on with your life? And you're like. Yeah. Yeah, because I've just been at it. And you just think, you're like, dude, do I make something up or do I just tell them the truth?

You know, and usually you make something up. They don't want to hear the truth yeah they don't want to hear about the bar shows they wouldn't even understand they wouldn't even understand they wouldn't get it they don't want to hear about you bombing and that's another outside of boston yeah that's another element to talking to like they don't want to hear it and you you can't even explain it with words how are you going to explain seven years of failure with words, dude? You know what I mean? Yeah. So you just got to be like a normal fucking, like you said, like a twink dude who's like,

I'll do what you want. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. You're like whatever, you know, like non-binary. That's chill. That's absolutely chill. Take a sip of your fucking...

Every girl in Brooklyn with like blue hair that's that's who I see really no not really I mean dude it's don't lie to me man but a little bit I want you to be honest bro I mean it's a little bit true like different color hair you mean yeah you know the type I mean that's kind of cool man honestly it's pretty fun yeah it's not that big of a deal dude yeah you gotta pop over to Brooklyn yeah it's so fucking far away though yeah I yeah you gotta pop over to brooklyn yeah it's so fucking far away though yeah i know man you were over at the gutter that one night yeah dude sean malay was like hey man you know come to my show and you know check it out maybe meet some people and uh i went dude i saw you you know do your thing bro and that's when i knew like this was

gonna happen and then uh i was just in the back just getting like literally penetrated by dudes. Like dudes were like sweating on me. I was like, I need to get the fuck out of here, dude. It was so bad. I was like, why am I here? Why am I, you know? If you're like not doing stand up that night. It's brutal.

It's like, I got to get out of here. Oh, yeah. You don't meet anyone. Like I didn't meet anyone new. I just literally just got sweat on me. You're not going on stage, so no one's coming up to you and being like, good shit. Yeah. That's nice.

But I will say there was a lot of hot chicks at that location. Yeah. Is this a location that you're going to? This is a good location. Maybe I'll have to roll through one day, dude. You gotta roll it through, dude. You gotta do some shows there. Maybe if it's just me and you dude

Like maybe we go bowling dude And just like drink some salsa water No but I just feel like we could You know I I'll fuck up I'll fuck up some pens I mean that'd be a movie dude

I mean Yeah When's the last time you bowled Had to have been a long time Bowling's very painful for me dude Like with my My fingers get fucked You got big fingers

Do they fit in the holes? No my hands are small Oh your hands are small I'm just so emotionally invested in it And I don't know how to bowl correctly I don't have that spin that you need You just gotta hit it and go straight Do you play sports?

Yeah What do you play? Basketball, baseball and football were you doing anything why don't you go to college man you're just screaming penis in class like what the way your mind works you have like a beautiful mind yeah am i right though or am i wrong i mean you're in the in the ballpark you're there you have a hard time paying attention like what was going on that was good at school oh you were good yeah was it like a money thing or yeah a little bit of a money thing yeah uh i was in community college yeah um and then i won um

some contests in minneapolis for stand-up yeah they pay you know like you know did you ever get where'd you start in Boston Rhode Island okay I did a few of those contests yeah like it's like a thousand dollars prize

I think I made like two hundred bucks once maybe that's Rhode Island yeah yeah a thousand dollars holy shit yeah that would have been wild

yeah so I won that when I was like 21 um and then this like uh booking agency on the road was like do you want to just like do a bunch of road stuff around the midwest and then in my mind i was like this is great i'm a i did it actually yeah like i complete i made it not like seeing how big of a game

and how long of a hike this you know not knowing it's a lifestyle it's just it never ends it's just you know it's hard it is hard and you got to keep going and it's great and that's a great thing about it but it's sisyphus you know and um yeah you never realize that when you're younger like that it's a lifestyle and like a lifetime commitment. It's a lifetime commitment. And I was like, oh, great. I can make $200 a weekend on the road as like a host and feature. I have 15 minutes of material, but eight really. You know what I mean?

Eight minutes. I have eight minutes where I can kill. I've been doing it for like a year. That sounds about right. I'm lying and where I can kill. I've been doing it for like a year. That sounds about right. I'm lying and trying to do 25. Yeah. And that takes so long to get to. And then you're like,

and then you're on the road doing bad for like, but anyway, so I quit school. I quit going to school. Cause I was like, I actually, I'm a professional comedian now. Um,

but then I was just poor for my entire 20s and i was just like working like a couple days a week at a bar or like one day a week at a cafe and then and then also i was living in like a couch in a living room for years in minneapolis which was like 300 rent you know so you've you've known the game for... I started doing the road, and then I was like, I don't like the road, because there's some bad habits you can pick up on.

I haven't even done the road, man. Well, you're doing the road. You're going out there. I mean, I don't know if three hours or four hours is really the road. I don't really mind traveling, man. I kind of enjoy it. The road is just...

Any small B, C-list club. I was kind of doing those. Like Bob's Chuckle Fart Hut. Yeah. And Mike Sioux Falls, South Dakota. When I think about the road, I think about actually featuring, not doing a regular spot, I guess. I mean, I was featuring, but you're featuring at shitty clubs in the Midwest. North Dakota, South Dakota, Iowa, Wisconsin.

Even to experience that at a young age, that's pretty sick. Dude, it's not... Yeah, it's fun for like a year. What else do you think you could have been doing, though? Because you probably would have gone to college, become a coke addict, and probably knocked a girl off, dude. Yeah, I don't know. Just got in the debt

yeah you know but uh yeah uh i don't know it's it's what it's what happened so it was fun yeah i got good it's so hard to commit to something at that age too yeah you don't even know what's going on well my friends are like partying and like in school but then then the pandemic happened so the pandemic happened when we were both i think 23 or 24 yeah which is like the worst i i know and i was like the young kid in the scene and then out of the pandemic i'm like 26 like i guess i'm like just a regular guy doing comedy and that's boring you know and then uh i was like all right i'm gonna not do the road and i'm gonna like kind of get rid of a lot of my act all my acts i didn't i haven't i was like i'm gonna get rid of everything i'm gonna start fresh

i think about uh i do think about failure a lot though dude and how important it is because like dude if it wasn't for COVID I don't think I would be here right now man where were you at? things like that happen and you go oh shit dude like I'm running out of time we were both 23 I turned 24 that summer

and I was like what the fuck I was like doing construction and I was just so bad at it. Yeah. I was like working for my girlfriend at the time. Her uncle's like construction company. Digging holes. Yeah.

I was digging electrical ditch. Like ditching between like houses and garages. And also I'm from Minneapolis. So like Georgeyd got murdered yeah you know you guys had a bad look well he got murdered in my neighborhood so it's like my block so i'm doing construction around my neighborhood there's just like gun violence and like houses are burning down and i'm showing up at like seven in the morning to like dig holes jesus and i hadn't been on stage in like seven months.

Yeah. And I'm just like, dude, I might have to go to New York. Yeah. I got to do something. Jesus. Yeah. You know? Saved up a ton of money, though.

Was on unemployment, getting construction, paid jobs. So I saved up like, I don't know, eight or ten grand. Same. We just lived the same life, dude. I think we've had... The same person, dude. I think we've had a very similar... Yeah, somewhat path, man.

Trajectory, which is really funny. Just save up and dip. And we didn't know this at all. At least we had the balls to dip, though, dude, you know? Yeah. Because, like, dude, I go back home and people... I used to think that when you go back home people would be like yo dude like how is it and i go back home and people are like dude how's the fucking plumbing going

and i'm like what like i'm not a plumber dude like oh i thought you were doing that thing over at the you know and i'm like dude what the fuck they're just making up people have people have no idea yeah they're just making up narratives People have no idea. Yeah, they're just making up narratives. Which helps even more. It's like, oh, fuck these people, dude. Like, they don't even know, you know. I at least know, like, a basic premise of most people's. Yeah.

People think my life's, like, awesome. They're like, dude, you're, like, in New York, and it's like, you're, like, a comedian. And I'm like, it sucks. Yeah. All the time. Yeah, I've just. I've been tired for three and a half years. You know. I wouldn it any other way though dude no that's cool like imagine if you were like in a cubicle or something just like you know yeah i know but then i go see then i go i'll go on dates

with girls and they're like wait so you're just gonna be like a poor piece of shit for like indefinitely and i'm like yeah probably chicks suck man do you get that they'll go you'll go on a date and they're like wait so that you're like not you don't have like like it's like fun for them at first because it's like oh he's like a bartender comic you know he's living life well dude i think like when you meet a chick you kind of have to ask yourself like how am i providing value to this chick? Yeah. And in the back of your head, like, every dude is just like, I just want to fuck you.

Mm-hmm. And, like, no guy is going to say that. Yeah. You know? Have you ever tried being up front like that? Like you're saying, have you tried? Yeah. We're at, like, a fucking—we're at a restaurant. Well, for you, you're at a, you know, you're at like a fucking we're at a restaurant well for you

you're at a you know you're at a game you're playing you're at a car yeah we're playing basketball in an arcade you're at an arcade she's mid shot i'm at a restaurant you're at an arcade yeah mid shot i'm like hey i just want to fuck you yeah it is it is sad but it's like she says no you just cross dude am i wrong for saying that though dude half the time when you're with a girl you're like oh i just want to like sleep with this chick oh dude i hope this uh we're gonna clip this and i'm gonna say no dude i just want to talk about like specific dates but dude i've been like i've been getting a little too like you know liberal with talking about like specific dates and like girls like listen

to podcasts and shit secretly they're like promise you that no girl's gonna watch this past five minutes there's no way dude i don't know man i was like i went on a date with this girl then i was talking about it on my podcast and uh and she listened and was like and i was like speaking very like honestly about it i wasn't fucking shit talking i wasn't like i was i'm not being like a piece of shit but like very much just like oh that's how you felt about like something you know and i'm just like fuck yeah man that's just fucking crazy then though she's using what you said in a podcast against you yeah have you ever done dating apps for like

a week man i've never been on i don't know i'm thinking i'm thinking about it though you're doing the right thing man you're in a better place dude i don't know about i don't think answering dms is the right move i think it is man it's super direct it's kind of like the way the world's going that's how every like dude or comic pretty much gets laid is just through dms through dms every hinge is literally just like mentally ill people who want to like travel more drink espresso martinis and they want like it's fucking it's poison dude yeah you know i mean it's better to just be like up front just be like hey what's going on like i think you're funny and cool what's up do you want to get a drink and then you go out but they have like this idea of you already and it might not be true yeah you know i don't know i mean like i feel like both of our

instagrams are pretty straightforward there's no like yeah i'm pretty much talking about piss and shit all the time no i don't think any girl is gonna look at my instagram in general but if she did she'd be like this is a huge red flag yeah Yeah. You know? Yeah, it's almost like it's a red flag if a girl just likes me. Yeah. I'm like... Yeah, no, you're right, dude, for sure. We get voicemails, dude, if you don't mind, man. Fucking let's let her rip.

If you just want to answer a few from the fans, bro. Hey, John. This is your boy Ben here. I was just... You know, there's one question I have to ask. It's been a point of contention in a few of my friend groups. It's quite divisive. you know, cleaning your ear with a Q-tip or scratching your balls. That, you know, both are great feelings, but I guess some people just are preferenced. That is it. Please have a good day.

This is breaking up his friend group. Yeah, dude, thanks for the voicemail, Ben. Yeah, thank you. I think that was a pretty good question. Do you want to start off? It was funny that girls were just like, oh, what guys are doing and we're just like it's not it's gonna be the ears yeah you know the whole the meme where it's like oh is he cheating on me and it's just like a bunch of guys drinking in a basement scratching your balls feels better i will say i'm gonna have to go I'm gonna go balls

Because uh You can do a q-tip in public Wow that's a really interesting answer man They both feel good Let's not let's get real They both feel good but you can do it You can pick your ear in public You can be on the train and go like

What are you saying with q-tips You can fucking do it You know you can be on the train and go like what he's saying with q-tips you you can fucking do it you know you could be low let's focus on well no one has q-tips on them yeah here's the thing when you're scratching your balls when you're actually getting a good scratch in it's kind of like the in the privacy of your home and you're like that's you you have itchy balls in public and you kind of got to ride that out and that's tough let me play devil's advocate dude like i mean i think the best feeling is when you're in public and you scratch your balls when no one's looking or at least you think no one's looking oh yeah

dude that is the best feeling in the world man you got away with something because you've been waiting to itch it and then you sometimes you can go through the pocket yeah depending on like the pants for sure depending on the pants but like i wear i wear kind of baggy your pants do your balls sit between your legs or in front of your legs in between okay because guys like me dude my balls are resting in front of my legs because my legs are so big like my balls aren't between my legs, dude. Wait, so these are your legs? So these are your legs? Yeah. These are your thighs?

So your balls above, are they touching the seat? No, so these are my legs and they're just together. And my balls are right in front of my legs. I think what you're saying is these are your legs and your balls. These are my legs. My balls are like on this cushion right now. That's wild, dude. Your balls are touching the seat right now?

Yeah. That's crazy, man. Yeah, my balls are like. Holy shit. Yeah, they're like on they're like on they're like in my box i've never had to like describe i've never had to describe where my balls are but you can get them you can inch through your pocket you can be like walking through the street with your hands in your pockets like i mean you know you're minding your own business and uh you know you can get a little scratch in through the pocket and nobody really knows but you

so that i didn't even really think about that well dude you're probably scratching your balls from the back through your ass no you go in front through the pocket but they're not even in the front you just said they're between your legs yeah you mean, are they in the back? You said your balls are touching the seat right now. Yeah, they're hanging. That's wild, man. They hang. Here's the thing. All right, here's my legs.

I just got to pull something out of my pocket. So it's like... Here's the legs, and they're vertical. Yeah. These are my legs. These are my feet down here Walking My balls are just hanging down

I feel like they're just Kind of in between They're parallel though I feel like it's parallel Yeah My balls are not parallel dude Dude fat guys Like me dude

Like My legs are You're not fat You're like Strong But dude my legs are probably My legs are huge dude Right

Fucking You have like a football build body. My legs touch each other, dude, when I'm walking. So my balls have nowhere to sit. Okay. They're just resting in front of my legs. I feel like a lot of dudes listening can probably attest that. They get pushed out in front because they can't

exist in between and mine can exist in between. We all aspire to have what you experience, man. I don't think so. I think it don't think so i think it's a good i think it's a manly well it probably makes your fucking schlong look bigger though dude but it's not it's an illusion yeah but everything that's right is an illusion exactly well said there have been moments where like my balls will kind of slip right in where you like yours are right now and my dick will just send me

a thank you letter in the mail. My dick is feeling good, man. You know you're not supposed to use Q-tips on your ears. Have you heard that? I'm going to be honest with you, man. I don't even clean my ears. Not even with your finger?

I have Q-tips. It's not like I don't whole Q-tip. I have Q-tips. It's not like I don't have Q-tips. But when I clean my ears with Q-tips, it feels like I'm poking a fucking hole through my eardrum. There's a trick. I mean, there's a technique with it, but you're not supposed to do it because most people are bad at it. It's like driving drunk. Wow. You can do it.

There's a technique though You just gotta know yourself Okay You know Yeah Yeah The biology of it Like don't do it

Don't drive drunk But like Fucking if you're cool You know what I mean Yeah If you're like a real guy I don't think I have that What it takes

You know But yeah You gotta like go around There's a And that feels good Yeah You know Cause like This is another mother nature thing man Like I love The feeling You got to like go around. And that feels good. Yeah. You know.

Because like this is another Mother Nature thing, man. Like I love the feeling not of cleaning my ears with Q-tips, but when the fucking earwax falls down. Naturally. And you can just pick it out, dude. That's a glorious feeling, dude. So your ears are naturally cleaning themselves. Yeah. They're like, dude, you haven't cleaned these in like three years, man. We got to get some of this out wow dude i just got a youtube ad for one of

those machines that gets all the earwax out and then and it shows a video of a bunch of earwax and someone's like down here and it gets it out and i watched that and i was like maybe that's what's wrong with me like maybe i gotta get that machine and maybe i become like a genius i'm like the like i'm like the i'm like limitless pilled you know yeah i get maybe the only thing that's keeping me from being a complete fucking moron in every facet of my life is i just got a whole bunch of damn earwax in my ears dude that's and getting that out and then maybe i just have a clear head i've thought about this my God. I don't know why I haven't done it. I spend $50 at the bar like it's nothing.

And then I'm like, oh, fucking $38.99 for a machine that could maybe fix my life? No way. That would be wild, man. You know? You just use the machine, dude, and you start shooting fucking AK-47 bullets out of your nipples. Just get the machine out, and I just become like, I'm just like, you know, I'm just seeing everything. I'm seeing society in like Matrix code. You're lighting shit on fire with your eyes?

Yeah, I'm just like, that's the only thing stopping me from having fucking superpowers. Oh my god, dude. I don't even know how much fucking earwax is in there. Dude, I think about that a lot. I think about that when I drink water. I'm like, dude, if I drank more of this, do you know what i would be capable of so much oh my whole body is just cleansing itself dude but instead i'll be sober i'll be like so you know i like to go out i like to have a few beers from time to time whatever but you know i'll just be sober for

like a week or so just like you know get healthy think regular shit in that week i'll be like i should be like president or something like i should be like i think i know everything dude you literally feel like you're better than everyone around you yeah like no joke yeah and then i'm like yeah i'll have one beer and then i'm like oh this feels awesome yeah oh dude everyone's hung over you're eating a fucking egg sandwich in the morning and you're just like i just like, I'm ready to go. Yeah, dude, you're shadowboxing your fucking nuts at like 2 in the morning, dude. So what are you going, balls or ears? Definitely balls, man.

I love pulling my balls, like flexing them, flexing on these hoes. Oh, yeah. And then just giving it a little scratch. I love playing with my nuts these hoes. Oh yeah. And then just giving it a little scratch. I love playing. Like I love playing with my nuts, man. Sure. Yeah. It's like one of the best.

Dude. And you work from home. So you get all the time in the world to do that. Oh dude. Playing with your nuts is like a hobby. Dude. I bet your hand to dick time is like up there. I bet you're doing like big Kobe numbers.

For sure. Yeah. You know. It's a problem. Yeah. Yeah. I've like met women who enjoy like playing with nuts though. Yeah It's a problem, yeah. Yeah. I've, like, met women who enjoy, like, playing with nuts, though. Yeah, they think it's fun.

Yeah. You know. Like, I wouldn't want to play with a pussy, dude. You know what I'm saying? You wouldn't want to? You think if you had a pussy, you would just be, like, finger-banging yourself all day? Mm-hmm. I've come to, so I was in a relationship for six years.

Mm-hmm. Broke up a year ago. I've been single So I was in a relationship For six years Broke up a year ago I've been single for a year Sorry Go ahead Why did you like that? I just love your segues dude They're so wild

Well I'm I'm coming back I'm learning every pussy So much different for sure yeah and they like and everyone likes it likes different stuff i was with a girl she liked it like flicking hard you're flicking her bean yeah and she wanted it like hard you're flicking her bean like a fly yeah like a fucking jesus christ like some earw earwax that you just got out of your ear. Holy shit, dude. You really are hanging out with really weird chicks, man.

She wasn't that weird. She was really normal, actually. I mean, dude, if you enjoy getting your vagina flicked like a fly... But she perceived like... She was like, oh yeah, flick it like you're fucking cleaning out the fucking... Yeah, but then I was with another girl. She wanted barely anything. Yeah. Like a few months

earlier yeah you gotta figure it out man and i was just like and guys were just like just jack my dick i mean for the most it's all this i feel like it's the same unless you like need a weird thing or whatever yeah i'm a pretty emotional guy dude and it bothers me when i'm like with a girl and i'm like kissing her neck dude and i'm like like, kissing her neck, dude, and I'm, like, doing, like, some notebook type shit. That's what I like, too. And she's like, I want you to crucify me. I don't like that. And it's just like, can we just, you know.

I didn't like that. I didn't even like the hard. Yeah, like, I don't want to choke you. I don't want to hang you. Yeah, in fact, I actually stopped and went to bed. Yeah. That's a good move, man. And she was mad because she's like, what, you're not, like, I'm not,

you're not going to get me off? And I was just like, no. Honestly, man. I was like, no, I'm tired. Yeah, you know, you always hear, like, girls who are just like, yeah, like, he wouldn't even, like, you know. Women should, they, men should do enough

so women can come. But I get but also like yeah it's not gonna be me I do I do get it though why men

don't do it now it's sometimes a lot you know okay you know we go back to my place it's two in the morning I got work at 9am you know

I bust yeah I'm sleepy yeah next time I bust Yeah I'm sleepy Yeah Next time It's a power move man I'm just like I'll get you next time

You're an animal man It's like when you don't have You don't have money And your friend gets you your coffee You're like I'll get you next time I'm good for it I swear And I'm assuming

They're coming back too Sometimes yeah Yeah they're coming Which is like the wild part man They're coming back, yeah Yeah Yeah Alright, we'll

Keep it rolling Keep it rolling, dude Hey, how you doing, Johnny? You know, this is This is Jimmy Spaganzi Long time listener First time caller Yeah, anyway, Johnny

You know, big fan of your show And I recently Went to the movie theater The other night With my guma She's, you know, big fan of the show. And I recently went to the movie theater the other night with my guma. She's, you know, my side piece, as, you know, as Dagos call them. But anyway, I went to the movie theater with this lady. We saw that Oppenheimer movie, you know, the crazy movie with the Peaky Blinders guy. And he does the big bomb with Albert Einstein, the autistic dude, and all that stuff. Anyway, Johnny, we went and saw Oppenheimer.

You know, spoiler alert, we bombed a fucking Japanese with a fucking nuke you've never seen before. It's fantastic. But anyway, Johnny, my question for you and your guests is where do you guys stand on, you know, nuclear? You know, morally speaking, do you guys think that we should continue going more nuclear? Because I'm a big fan of nuclear. But with that, you know, we might have some wars that could, you know, I don't know, topple over the existence of the earth. I don't know. I just want to know where you guys stand on nuclear. Do you think we should nuke Japan again for for a second time just for the fuck of it i'm kidding all right hey johnny big fan keep doing your thing and uh hopefully one

of these days we can hop in the gym and hit some deadlifts soon all right hey spaganzi out you gotta talk about pearl harbor no that's what you think he's talking about? I'm just kidding. Dude, I think you'd need nukes, man, for sure. But dude, if you dropped a nuke, that would be the end of our existence. Like that would just be it. Yeah. You just got to have them.

Dude. You just got to have them and not use them. Exactly, yeah. Because we already have them dude you know you just gotta have them and not use them exactly yeah you know because we already have them supposedly yeah so we're so we're gonna continue to have you know it's super funny man i'll send you the video dude i don't know what there was a video on instagram uh there's just a bunch of dudes went to see oppenheimer and there's the scene where there's about to be the nuke and there's a countdown and once it reached zero one of the guys

just ripped ass dude dude I watched the video literally like 25 times it was so funny dude I gotta send it to you man I couldn't stop watching it and people in the movie started laughing too that's so funny dude that's so i gotta send it to you man i couldn't stop watching it and people in the movie started laughing too that's so sick dude that's so much legends i gotta shout out also he had to time it too you know just the timing he had to like prepare he had to like

eat a certain thing like this was like predetermined fart premeditative it was the best man it was such a good fart. A lot of farts are a little forced, man. But this was like, it was beautiful, man. Well, yeah. I mean, I just appreciate it. There's like a certain like artistry. There's like a certain artistry in like a good fart.

Yeah. You know, it takes like patience. Respect. Like when guys do shit like that, it like you know when like steph curry hits like an amazing shot i'm like there's a certain athleticism component oh my god to to timing there's so much respect you gain from other dudes too yeah because there's probably people there you probably got a promotion dude there was people there who were on dates people with their their significant others he probably got pussy that night yeah dude i hope he did man yeah i mean that's he deserves it

yeah uh yeah i think that's awesome shit like that having nukes you know what are you gonna have we're so unqualified to be talking about nukes dude come on man no we're not yeah you're right who are the who are the guys who made nukes they're just they're just other guys i don't dude i doubt the guys who make nukes have identities they probably have like 65 different like declassified names sure yeah 40 social security numbers yeah they're off the grid dude you know that's a good point yeah but dude i think if you if you drop a nuke it would like fuck like it would it would be like that scene from armageddon you know where the asteroid fucking falls down from the sky and just like yeah completely

fucks everything hard i mean the nukes nukes should just be to look at and go that's cool yeah you're kind of like uh nukes are kind of like a fucking like uh like i don't i think people should have guns but you shouldn't ever use your gun yeah just have it and post a picture on snapchat with a bunch of money yeah like if you don't agree with me and then i take out like an m16 and i point at your face that sucks you're gonna agree with me and i'm gonna and i'm gonna but i'm gonna say that's into my head i'm gonna go that's But I'm going to say that's, in my head, I'm going to go, that's annoying. This guy is annoying. Yeah, that's what a nuke should be, though. It's like, oh, yeah,

you don't want to fucking agree with me? Watch this shit. Well, that's what it is. Yeah. But everyone's going, like, watch this shit. I do think our nukes should be in the shape of penises, though. It should be, here's, how about this? It should be treated like how guys I went to high school with who deal drugs have guns.

Don't use them. Don't point them at anybody. Just post pictures of your nukes on Snapchat with a bunch of money. It should be presidents around the world going like, don't fuck. In a room full of nukes, be like, on the gang, don't even fuck with me like that. I got it on me. And then they should all just be posting pictures on Snapchat of their nukes be like on the gang don't fuck with like don't even fuck with me like that i got it on me yeah and then they should all just be posting pictures on snapchat of their nukes and then we watch it on snapchat and go damn my president is a real one like he's for real and that's what it

should be and maybe there's not even nuke juice in the nuke. Yeah. You know, maybe it's like a gutless, a boneless nuke. Do you agree that it should be shaped like a penis, though? Sure, yeah. If you get a picture with that thing, dude. Yeah, it should be shaped like a penis, but then if we're nuking someone else, their nuke should be shaped like a pussy if we're nuking on their area. That'd be sick. And then it just kind of connects. No better way to go out.

No better, which is a little penis. A little orgasm, dude, that changes the trajectory. You say wargasm? Yeah. Nice. See what I did there, dude? That was incredible wordplay. Yeah.

Damn. So you really just be doing comedy like that? I just dropped a nuke, dude. With my fucking verbiage, bro. That's incredible. No, you are a professional. This is why you're in the business. This is why we're here man

yeah but uh that's how we feel about nukes though and i think it's safe to say everyone can agree yeah i think uh when they do drop though like it destroys humanity but any living organism that's left would die off anyway from like the fucking radiation what if everything died but uh but like an mp3 of your podcast existed i think about that a lot man you know where like society's just decimated but there's just like a like a micro sb card if a micro sd card ended up in like a in like a fucking um what is it called a cockroach and a cockroach and then people are like oh we can use this and then it's this episode and we're like nuke should be shaped like penises like i get i get why it happened i get why society needed to end i think a lot about hieroglyphics oh yeah

like billions of years from now if someone finds like a desk from an elementary school and there's just like a bunch of dicks on it. Yeah. And they're like, no, this is the meaning of life. This is what they were thinking. And then that's like the new God.

It's in a museum somewhere. It's like that Superman S that all the kids draw. Yeah. And they're like, I think this was a religion. Yeah. There were like billions of years ago. This was a metaphor for respect and honor,

which honestly that s is carved into every a penis and that s is carved into every desk in america so just looking at that evidence alone if those desks lived on though for billions of years someone just found like an old classroom they were like wow this is the answer i remember drawing that s in like fourth grade and thinking myself like damn i should be an artist. I'm like pretty good. Yeah. S on your chest, dude. Yeah.

I remember drawing dicks and just being like, dude, I'm never going to make it. Do you know what I was thinking about? Did you ever, did you ever have the commercial where it's like the guy was like the, like some sort of like online college and he was like, you're sitting on the couch. You're not going to school. You're not doing shit with your life. Yeah. Do you know what I'm talking about? I mean, we had a lot of those. Yeah. This could be like a,'re sitting on the couch. You're not going to school. You're not doing shit with your life. Yeah. Do you know what I'm talking about? I mean, we had a lot of those.

Yeah. This could be like a, maybe like a Midwest thing, but it was like, it was like a black guy wearing like a footlocker t-shirt and he's like in a parking lot and he's like, you're sitting on the couch. You're not doing anything with your life. You got to call this number on the screen. Go to school. Get back to school, man.

And I'm just like nine years old watching it being like, I really to get my i got to get my shit together oh yeah it's for like community college or like online schooling yeah that i guess i didn't have cable growing up so it's like that and like mori you ever watch mori no that you are not the father clips no you know what i'm talking about though no it's like the daytime tv you didn't watch mori no jerry springer i watched ed ed and eddie dude and uh spongebob damn dude i watched like adult daytime tv which is like fucking wild they play it like you know those shows those daytime tv shows where it's like a pregnancy test and it's like a it's like a guy who's like i hope i'm not the father like jerry springer jerry springer mori it's the other all the same guy. Oh, same thing. You know? And then I'd like watch that show where it's like Maury being like, you are not the father.

And then a guy stands up and he's like, fuck yeah. Bleep yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck. And then it's like a woman crying. And then I'd be like seven years old watching this at home. And you're like, this is like good. It's good television.

This is good shit. Dude, television used to be like good. Yeah. I don't think they had like as many regulations and shit as they do now dude daytime television it's crazy oh yeah you know they have like 12 judge shows yeah you know judge judy makes like billions of dollars dude there's you know how many judge shows there are there's judge judy judge brown judge mathis just like seven others there's like where it's like dude that's a genius they're all wicked intelligent people they're like yo let's just put this on tv and make more money yeah i have friends who are like i don't think i can get a show on adult swim and then they're like make another judge show and it's either it's

either a 50 year old white woman who's like this is not acceptable or a 50 year old black guy who's like you guys gotta cut that crap out dude i gotta figure out judge judy's net worth right now it's a lot man yeah it's so much i went on judge mathis one time dude judge judy's net worth is 440 million dollars awesome that's fucking crazy and they're not real judges me and my friend we wrote we actually like wrote a case this was years ago and we got on like a judge mathis show which is he's one of the judges and they and we just like made money off it dude it's because she yeah it's because she works for c she has a contract with cbs though yeah no it's all they're all like it's off it. Dude, it's because she, yeah, it's because she works for, she has a contract with CBS though.

Yeah, no, it's all, they're all like, it's all, it's all in one building in Chicago. Oh really? Where they film it all. It's like the studio. And I went, you know, because we, we like got my friend, knew a producer on the show and we just like made up some bullshit and then went up. Really? Yeah.

And we just went there and we were like, I was like, yeah, fucking, and we were just like yelling at each other in the courtroom. What? Yeah. It got on TV. Holy shit. tv holy shit yeah you have it recorded yeah it's recorded holy i'll send it to you were the ratings good yeah they're great it got like a lot on youtube because we're just like two like because all these these shows are like all like watched by like uh like like a lot of like it's like a large black audience is in these shows and we're just like two like crazy ass white boys and i'm like you slept with my girlfriend i'll kill you touch it i was i was wearing like a huge suit like a like a comically big suit because we're doing a bit yeah you know that's wild and uh we like he we like we're suing each other for like

two thousand dollars you want to sue each other for like the most because they give you that money you know so we just split that money so we did how did the pitch you had to pitch the idea to them we had to pitch them a conflict and then they were like fuck yeah like they're like hell yeah was there like a rehearsal or they were like no just come in they just it's just one one take that's so funny it's on like national television yeah national one take they they put you in a room they fly you out One take. They put you in a room. They fly you out to Chicago. They put you in a hotel. Yeah.

This is like a late night spot. This is a daytime spot. Is it? Yeah. You know, the other guy, he's like a comedy adjacent, whatever. And he's like, dude, I think I can get us on the show. Let's just like do this. It was like a very like messy, like I think I can get us on a show. Let's just do this. It was a very messy...

I slept with his girlfriend. He owes me money for this show or whatever. Just bullshit, bullshit drama. I'm playing a villain because I kept having sex with his girlfriend. Judge Mathis, he's like this older black guy. And he's just like, what the hell are you talking about? How'd you keep a straight face? Cause you're scared.

You don't want them to like, you want them to air it. And you're scared that cause the cameras are on. So you're like nervous. You're like nervous because you just want it to get on TV and you don't actually live audience or it's just, yeah, there's an audience interesting there's like a courtroom audience and we're like getting laughs within the courtroom because you know like I kept being like your honor I reject just like that you know little bits um but yeah they give you five hundred dollars cash showing up yeah and then like in a couple months when it's like aired or whatever,

they're like, all right, like my friend Eli, he won the case. And then they paid him $2,000. And then he just Ven won me a grand. Damn, that's fucking sick. I don't know. Yeah, I'm trying to get on again. I don't know if I should. Hopefully no one sees this.

You'd get so many views, man. Yeah. We got a lot of views then But I think I would do So much better now Cause they keep you in a room For like two hours before they send you out there And they keep having producers call in And they're like yeah your friend Eli

Just called you a bitch And like at first you're like Okay None of this is real But then after like an hour of them going like yeah eli's calling you like a stupid bitch i'm like what the is he really saying i'm like is he really fucking saying that about me did he really say that yeah and then so then you get into the courtroom and then they kind of like and i'm a fucking moron like i'm easily tricked so like you kind of get in you're like i'm kind of mad at him now because it's like two hours of like you're that emotionally invested

that you're like and you want to like you want to trick yourself because you're like you don't you just want to act so you're like okay i'm gonna actually believe in this so yeah it was crazy that's wild dude especially that's on well at least uh i was imagining that it was like live but at least you got like uh it's pretty much like an audition dude you know what i mean yeah they tape it it's like 25 minutes they tape it judge mathis makes his decision and then they cut it down to like 14 minutes yeah dude that'd be so funny if you just started saying like random shit though. Do you know what it is?

The judge, Matt, this guy, he says random shit. He's like completely off his rocker. He's like insane guy. Really? Dude, because he's like married and they got to keep like this like persona. But apparently he's like this like going out to the club guy like has like multiple like...

He's married on TV or... his persona is that he's a judge and he's married and he's like this guy of morality that's but outside he's going clubbing and shit right so he's like so while i'm talking about like sleeping with eli's girlfriend which is whatever whatever bullshit lie he's just like no no the late i mean i've messed with the ladies and you're just like what and he like throws you off because and then i'll so then i'm like so then i was like haha yeah i feel you judge yeah true that i said i was a big mathis head at one point i was just like i just want to say thank you for having it taking our case i'm a huge mathis head and. And he's like, what the hell? Dude, you got to send me this, man.

Yeah, we. You still have it? Sits out there. It's on YouTube. It's on YouTube? Yeah. Fuck, man. I got to watch this.

Dude, they're cooking me in the comments. Oh, yeah. Like a thousand black people in the comments. Just like this boy shirt too damn big. And I'm just like, yeah, it was a joke. Yeah. You don't get my. But they think it's real. Everybody thinks daytime court is big. And I'm just like, yeah, it was a joke. Yeah. You don't get my car. But they think it's real though.

Everybody thinks daytime court is real and it's not. Well, it is a little bit real sometimes, but it also cannot be. There's not like a. No way to tell. Yeah. There's no way to tell. It's just whoever is reaching out. Yeah.

It's fake for the most part. Yeah, for sure. What it is is like what I was, the research that I was doing is like people who who like say like i crashed your car and i don't have any money to pay you and then you have the idea of like well let's try getting on tv because then they can pay me and you don't have to pay me and you can even make 500 from it yeah and then in the middle of it you will say that you were i was driving to go see your girlfriend and that's a case not a bad idea yeah who's right you know who was negligent and that's exactly so people like kind of do it a little bit real just because they need money because no one has health insurance so like people like need

to get money damn but uh yeah ours was just completely fake yeah especially when you're young dude like i remember watching judge judy and i was like oh this is real dude like this is yeah dude that's how you know like like your friends are idiots because like i told them like i wrote a fake case for judge mathis and they're like i can't believe you disrespected the court like that they're like i can't believe like like they're like are you gonna get in legal trouble and i'm like no it's theater yeah it is kind of sad though man how like everything's everything's fake. You know what I mean? Like you can't even that be real? Yeah, it's like, what is real, man? You know, like is anything real anymore?

Yeah, I don't even think Dr. Phil's a doctor. Yeah, he's just saying the same shit. Yeah, it's just like a girl who just punches her. And like, dude, you think about how fucking, you learn later on how fucked up TV is, but it's like, oh, it's too late, dude. Like, SpongeBob changed my life, man. SpongeBob's a great show. It is a great show, though. It holds up. Yeah. learn later on how fucked up tv is but it's like oh it's too late dude like yeah spongebob changed my life man spongebob's a great show it is a great show though it holds up yeah spongebob seinfeld

but ed ed and eddie dude that is like a mentally challenged show oh yeah that's like literally like what if three guys were retarded do i watch that every day just ed fucking like the whole the whole like crux of a comedy character is like what if a guy was stupid as shit yeah and then everyone's like yeah spongebob is so cool man so i'll watch it even today and i'm like this is good shit oh it's good shit it's good shit man yeah but like all the other stuff it's like terrible you watch it back you're like wait dude i used to watch this every day yeah just dumb fucking cartoons. I watched SpongeBob at my friend's houses.

I didn't have cable. Oh, really? Yeah. You still watch it, though, dude. You saw greatness, man. You got to get in to a little bit, at least. Dude, I was wearing SpongeBob shirts until I was like 22. Like, no joke.

I have like five at my house right now. You're dressing like a Latino teenager who like a like a latino teenager who shops at like zoomies and target like burlington go factory yeah those like you know you ever see like a yeah like a mexican kid wearing like a shirt he's like 14 he's got a shirt of like spongebob smoking a blunt yeah he's getting that from burlington though dude or walmart bro like i have a shirt that's literally just Patrick's face, like, smiling. And it's pink. Like, the whole shirt's pink. Wild, dude.

I wore that until I was, like, 22, 23. That's crazy. Yeah, dude. You're like... Yeah. No words. You dress like you're in the Special Olympics. Just launching javelins the opposite way, dude.

All right, dude. Well, we'll wrap this up, man. It's like one of those cookie monster hats. You ever seen guys with those? Dude, my friend Nate has a hat to this day. Yeah. And it's a minion hat. It's literally just like a yellow cap.

It goes all over, almost like a mullet and then the eyes go over his forehead like the minion eyes and he wears it to this day one of the hardest times I've ever laughed was at the beach at Rockaway on a little bit of mushrooms

and you know on those beaches they do advertisements with planes with a flag I'm on a little mushrooms I'm having a white claw And, you know, those beach they do advertisements with, like, planes with, like, a flag? Yeah. Oh, my God, little mushrooms. I'm having, like, a white claw. And I just see a plane with a flag with a giant minion. And it was sponsored by, like, Bud Light Lime-A-Rita and minions.

And I was just like, what the fuck kind of world I'm in? What's this dumbass world? Yeah yeah just high as tits dude just like crying laughing just a minion and it was like minions july 4th bud light lime maritas and i was like what is this collab oh it's so funny thinking about you being high like looking up at the sky. I was like, and I came from the distance too. And I was like, I was like, no way. That's a minion. Like asking people around you.

I was like, I was like, that's so sick. That fucking rips, man. I was like, what? In the sky? Yeah. Yeah, I like it. Oh, fuck. But dude, thank you for coming, man. Thanks for having me, dude.

It was good to meet you, dude. God, dude. Yeah, dude, you're hilarious, man. I appreciate you for coming, dude. Good set, man. Thank you. We're both the same age dude i feel like we both have taken the same path man do you have anything um you want to promote dude for the for

the listeners like where they can find you and like any upcoming shows you have yeah i'm around in brooklyn doing shows follow me on instagram tommy bear time oh yeah dude uh but check out my podcast we'll have you on it's a podcast we apologize for things and people write in apologies or they demand apologies like this person wronged me we get call ins

and you can email anonymously you know so if you got some shit you want to air out you can tap in it's called We Cool. It's the podcast. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah.

We'll get you on. Fuck yeah, dude. I do have a show. If you're listening and you're from New Jersey, I have a show at Atlantic City Comedy Club. Oh, nice. On December 23rd. If you're in the area,

please come and support me. I'd appreciate that. I think I'm doing like 20 minutes, so that should be a good time, man. I've heard good things about that. Yeah. Seems like it's a pretty good club, man. Also a good opportunity to get into other clubs. Yeah.

So do that. And then also please subscribe to the podcast. Visit the Patreon if you want to join. You get discounts. You know, I'll answer your call-in questions, stuff like that. And thank you guys for listening and have a good day.