The Johnny Salami Podcast - Torey Cole

Episode Date: August 24, 2023

Torey Cole by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. I'll invade each night I lie. And I think of you and cry. And I tell you all about.

Bring back my love. All right, what's going on, everyone? Today we have our first ever lesbian guest, Tori Cole. Tori, thanks for coming. Yeah, thanks for having me. Appreciate you being here with my dog. I feel really lucky to be here with Bob. Yeah.

Why do you like dogs so much? Do you have a dog or no? I grew up with dogs. Really? How many? I've always had at least one, but I've had two for the last 15 years. Really? Are they still alive or no for the last 15 years. Really? Are they still alive or no?

They're still alive. Really? So they must be very old then. One is 12. It's very sad. I don't like to think about it. He's all lumpy. You know how old dogs get lumpy?

His name's Jack. Got him when I was a senior in high school. Bob, don't fuck this up for me and uh then we've got another dog that they're both pit bull mixes they were rescues if they died would you like would you go into like a spiral yeah my mom will they're her children so i'm worried about that like i'll have to go home i'm from maryland so like i'll go home for like a week and just like make sure she like eats and like is okay because she won't be shout out maryland dog i was born in baltimore bro really yeah oh yeah i'm from annapolis really i used to run those streets dog baltimore yeah then that's some real street shit no i was only there for like a year

but i was still born there so like i shouted out whenever i can the 410 yeah so like obey so people will respect me you know what i mean yeah that's some real shit dude it's the realest shit there is bro it is do you go back and visit ever do you have family there no i've never i've never been i mean i was there when i was born but that was it and then you went to providence or uh rhode island i think we went to like a few places Pennsylvania and then Mass and then like Rhode Island that's a lot why'd you move around so much just cause I was gay

so I kept like getting bullied in school yeah that's really nice for your family to be so accommodating my parents were like rub some dirt in it no the first time they were just like yeah we're wrapping it up we're moving they were like pack your stuff and then you kept telling everyone that you were gay and like all right i gotta move again yeah oh he acts cool and then he's not but relax yeah yeah my dog is um at home he's like very old it's

actually a girl what kind of dog but i'm not gonna lie dude she's so old that like i kind of like want her to die you know, because it's tough? Yeah, she looks like she's struggling. They really struggle when they get old. They get all lumpy. Breathing is hard. Walking is hard. Getting old is hard. She has arthritis, dude.

What kind of dog? A Border Collie. It's supposed to be really athletic, but it's always been very lazy. They shouldn't slow down. They really slow down they're smart as hell they're actually the smartest dog really they're voted number one wow poodles border collars and poodles are like number one and two is that on like people magazine or something no i just know a lot about dogs really yeah it's like i'm like an autistic person i like dogs no well it was funny

my parents wouldn't get me a dog and i had this dog breed book that was like like a textbook and i would pour through it every night and i would write down like facts about dogs and be like all right like this is a flat coat retriever it doesn't it doesn't shed and it listens really well like we should get this one yeah and they'd be like no and then i would go like the next night but all right this is the why moran or like they're really athletic and they're really smart you can train them next night. I'd be like, all right, this is the Weimaraner. Like, they're really athletic and they're really smart. You can train them really well. And they'd be like, no. So, every day I would, like, propose a new dog to them.

To the point where, like, I learned dog breeds to, like, an autistic level. Wow. So, you were, like, that's definitely autism for sure. Oh, yeah. For sure. They should have recorded you, dude. Yeah. Like, made a documentary about that.

Totally. Yeah. But, oh, Bob. There you go, but uh oh what was that that was three five minutes 39 seconds i feel so neglected now i'm just covered in bub yeah i'm gonna say goodbye fine um so yeah i uh know a lot about dog breeds because of that yeah i was watching the dog show the other day which one and it uh dude that's an emotional roller coaster man it is a lot whenever it's on the tv i'm just like emotionally invested in that type of stuff which dog show because there's like the

that's after the thanksgiving day parade every year yeah so that must have been a weird one-off summer one were you just maybe it was just like a replay, you know? You watched a rerun of a dog show? Maybe, dude. I was at the gym. I was at the gym. Which gym? It's in Rhode Island, and there's a bunch of 90-year-old people that go there.

Okay. I just run Planet Fitness, so watch out. Really? Dude, you look like a CrossFitter, kind of. I look like a CrossFitter? Yeah. Really? Yeah, that's what I see in you, bro. bro you don't do crossfit i have dabbled i did a groupon once and i i really

fucked myself up really yeah did you like slip a disc or something no i i just didn't it hurt like it i was sore for two weeks that makes i liked it like a good sword just like you were in like a good sword but like i like was walking like a like a zombie apocalypse is happening yeah i did crossfit when i was younger and they told me to get my mom to sign up my mom's like 70 so that's when i knew it was all yeah is she 70 now yeah back then she might have been like 60 was like 10 years ago so they were just like siblings yeah they were just like yeah just bring like everyone and i was like dude are you fucking insane you know what i mean yeah like you shouldn't have like 60 year olds dead lifting you know i'll never forget my last class i looked

around and everyone had the bars on their necks like all wrong and i was like i i can't do this anymore yeah it stressed me that's usually what happens and it just was a lot of burpees i didn't like anything with the bar yeah i didn't like the bar work no one knew what they were doing no one was really helping so yeah it's so funny to watch though i guess like someone like man handling a bar when they like don't know what they're doing it's so sad did you play sports growing up yeah you play football um up? Yeah. You play football? No, I played women's field hockey. I did that too.

Really? Yeah, it was pretty good. I was the captain. I can see that, dude. Yeah. That's why I said what I said when we started the podcast. That I'm a lesbian? Yeah.

Yeah, all lesbians are athletic. I'll play this game the whole time i would i would love to be a lesbian honestly really yeah yeah don't you like celibate or something because you talk about it openly a lot do i yeah when have i said hey when i first met you you were like talking to some like hot dude about how like celibate you are and like how much you hate men and stuff and i was like no that is not true it is true dude yes it is dude you were literally like i fucking yeah dude you were like i'm sober and i fucking hate guys i'm not kidding dude i was there i was listening bro i was it was it was this a greenwich yeah and i was like i'm sober and i hate men must have been really going through it

what when was this this isn't like an ongoing conversation you don't think it's something i'm it's a script i'm changing yeah yeah it's a little tired so the rest is like still unwritten yeah i'm like a natasha beddingfield song um that's interesting i i'm not celibate yeah um i think there was a phase and uh i'm not i'm not sober anymore either which could be uh semantics i'm honestly i i had a moment today where i actually miss being sober i was sober for a year and two months and then i went to europe and then i was like yeah i'm gonna drink again you met like a few like european dudes yeah they've reviewed me wow dude like hey sobriety's for losers that's not even cheating though dude that's like just natural i was just there with a like a bunch of my friends

i grew up with and then like chicks yeah like a girl girls night girls squad yeah i was in ireland with two friends and then we went to Dubrovnik Croatia with two more friends and then I met up with a bunch of other friends in Montenegro for a wedding okay and then there's a lot of people there um I just kind of like I was like you know what like everyone was kind of like you don't have a real problem like I kind of convinced myself that I did so I would so I'd be sober um but after a year plus like I just kind of said i did it i loved it yeah you loved being sober or the orgy i liked being sober it was really like eye-opening something i needed to do i had a real i mean i like i would get hammered and do like comedy and it was just a really bad oh wow

like i would do people that care about you yeah did they have a talk with you were they like tori like you can't enough people were like you good and i'd be like i don't know damn would you like break down crying and stuff uh i apparently cried once on stage but it was like they thought i was like laughing i don't know i black i blacked out twice on stage one One was my birthday. So everyone was like, oh, it was your birthday. Like, no stress. And then once was just, I used to run a show called Joke Lab. It's been on hiatus. But one Joke Lab I rolled in just black out. Damn, dude.

Yeah. Wow. And everyone thought it was funny, apparently. But like people that knew me were like, no, that's not like an act. Like that's, she's hammered. Wow. Yeah, it was nuts. Dude, what were you talking about?

Do you remember? I mean, you obviously don't remember. I have the film. They sent it to me. Oh, wow. But I haven't had the courage to watch it because it makes me feel ill. Yeah. Even just clicking on a few of the thumbnails, I'm like, boop.

Yeah. Like, it was so bad. This was February of 2021. And it was wild. Like, it was so bad. This was February of 2021, and it was wild. Like, it was so bad. Damn. Do you have, like, an intervention? Did, like, your friends have an intervention for you?

No. No. So, like, when were you, like, I need to stop after, like, the seventh day? Well, I used alcohol to do stand-up my first, like, year in. Wow. Yeah. Like, my first 20 sets, I was i was probably like five shots in at least you feel like you needed it yeah oh yeah that's pretty sad yeah for sure it wasn't great i wouldn't

be sitting here right now if i didn't use alcohol to get through stand-up i would have almost like helped you in a way it was like part of your yeah it was fully part of my journey i mean i took a class in college i took a public speaking class and this was like i was a sophomore and i wasn't even 21 um and i lived in a sorority house where like you weren't allowed to have alcohol but like i would get hammered before class to do the public speeches so that that's the level of like did you did you crush it or were you just talking latin up there um i did well yeah yeah well i'll never forget the first day of class they had you go up and talk for two minutes and i thought whatever like i'll go do that and then i got up there my legs started shaking wow this is in front of a class of like 15 kids like there was no reason for that yeah but it scared the

shit out of me so i was like all right i'm, I'm not going to do that again. Like, I'll just drink. So it was a 10 a.m. class. I would pour vodka into orange juice. Back in the day when there was those like camelback water bottles, like the nipple top, you know those? So I would drink out of that so you couldn't smell it or anything. And I would just go get drunk in class. I'd be hungover by noon. It was horrible. But I'd crush my speech and then put on with my life.

Did you ever like see any dudes in the class where you're like damn i'm like kind of like in love right now there was no cool people in the class there was no reason for me i had no reason to be nervous that's all i ever thought about dude in class was like hot girls yeah just chicks like whipping out their tits and stuff yeah that's all i think about now but like you know yeah dude i used to have a drinking problem too really and it's like sad to talk about. I just got really sad, and I was like, you need to stop. So you don't drink anymore?

Not really, no. Really? Yeah, dude. I'm a fucking champion, bro. But we talk about drinking, like, every episode. But when you say not really, like, do you have a beer here and there? Well, I was doing the once a month thing, just to kind of, like, let loose. But some of my best months are just like like my happiest months are just like sober yeah dude just being out in a field man and just like smelling

grass and shit you know what the fuck is there a field around here i mean being bubbler at a field like a week ago bro you know you don't miss drinking at all no i mean like i still like every once in a while you know i'll go out but when i i'm like it's all like an illusion to me you know what i mean like what i think is gonna happen and like you know what actually happens you know yeah i think i'm gonna like go out it's gonna be like project x and chicks are gonna be like sucking on each other's tits and like everyone's gonna be bawling out dude and then i go there and i'll just see like three fat chicks at a bar and you're like i don't need to get drunk for this i mean it's still a good time but it's like you know what i mean if you do drink sometimes when you get drunk things like that happen though

yeah it's like an illusion for sure sometimes the real shit happens though yeah i have that problem though where like i have like the lifetime movie mindset you know and i'll think about certain things like how they're gonna go and then it actually happens and you're like wow this fucking sucks dude you know it's like the opposite um i mean like i thought this podcast would go really well no dude just like um when i used to go out i would be like oh dude you know you rile up the boys and stuff you know you're like dude we're gonna get like mad chicks tonight yeah and then i would go out and i would just get really sad dude you know you're like dude we're gonna get like mad chicks tonight yeah and then i would go out and i would just get really sad dude you know got it is this in college or when is this did you go to college yeah i went to college bro nice but there was like a moment dude i remember

like you know we would like go out to the bars and like a lot of my boys would get laid and i remember one night um i drank like a whole bottle of uh like captain morgan like throughout the night yeah and i was just like in this dude's living room listening to classic rock from like the 60s 70s and 80s just soaking it in bro all night two in the morning and every dude i was with was upstairs having sex. And you were just downstairs listening to music? It would just be like the Rolling Stones and then you would just hear orgasm sounds. And that was one of the saddest moments of my life.

And I actually tried leaving and I just walked outside and I just fell asleep on the lawn. Was it the summertime? Yeah, it was nice out for sure. It wasn't the summertime, but it was closer to the sure it wasn't it wasn't the summertime but it was like closer to the end of the year college it's in college dude yeah you couldn't phone a friend there was not one girl who was i gonna call like my mom hey hey can we have sex no dude i wasn't

you had no girls no dude i mean you're calling me celibate wow yeah no i'm not fucking hating dude you know i was never like smashing bro you know what i mean never no i don't think so man you don't think so i hooked up with a fatty once in like my junior year that was that was something i remember yeah i spent like 40 bucks on an uber just to take her back to send her back no no i took her back to my place oh yeah but it was like out of the way you know she was like a one-time thing yeah yeah it was really awkward the next day i don't remember do you really you don't remember no not even a first name no wow i don't think she even told me her name but i'll remember her forever your one story what do you mean that's the one time you hooked up with a girl you don't even know her name

it sounds like it aligns very closely with your own identity yeah no you and i are the same okay thanks for the moral of the story i just like i don't know like don't you ever get sad like talking about like because i have like funny stories from when i was like drinking a lot but then i tell them and i just get like really sad you know what i mean well we still drink so i used to get really sad honestly about like being sober and i love it i like you know being sober has a lot of benefits but there are moments where I felt like I lost my youth like I no longer had the woo where did I wake up moments and like granted I'm 30 so yeah like if you were if you were out right now just saying woo yeah I mean I went out in

Miami last weekend and that was really fun but I definitely did things that like I shouldn't have yeah oh like an orgy or something like that no orgies but there were moments that i was like yeah i didn't need to do that yeah you haven't given an example though of like anything you've done yeah i'd rather not on camera why not dude you keep saying like you've done like i'll talk about the past happily i want to know like oh yeah like what are the craziest things you keep saying like you know i used to be like crazy and stuff um i mean i had sex with a bartender in a bathroom that was like a moment in time where i was like i didn't need to do that

like a week ago yeah it was yesterday it's crazy no this was when i was like 26 uh there was a phase in my 20s early and like when i was in the city I blacked out a lot at my first job out of college. Your job? Mm-hmm. Jesus. I worked in advertising for United Airlines. I did like all of their creative advertising at an agency called McGarry Bowen. And do you remember when they dragged that old man off the plane?

No. You don't remember the whole, it was like a huge deal in the news. They dragged a man off a plane. No. Well, that happened. remember the whole it was like a huge deal in the news they dragged a man off a plane yeah well um that happened and uh we had just created this whole new campaign and it was called the new spirit of united so we couldn't roll out the new spirit of united after and it was like all over the time every publication i will have to show you after this but um essentially we had to go

dark in advertising. We couldn't, we couldn't put anything out. So my team was a bunch of alcoholics and we would just go to the bars and just drink for like weeks. It just went on. We couldn't do anything. And we had an Australian boss. We would go out to these crazy lunches where we get like 10 bottles of Rose and just everyone would be hammered. We'd go to the frying

pan every other day and black out the amount of times i blacked out at my at my day job was insane jesus yeah how'd you get home i would walk wow that's the crazy thing too like i was always walking because i was afraid of the subway when i first moved to new york and i lived in lower east side um and i worked in chelsea and i would walk like a weirdo it was three miles i would show up sweaty and smelly and gross but uh yeah i would walk yeah but uh that's some story i mean i i one time i was hammered and i was at a rooftop bar with my co-workers and coworkers and Nicole Kidman came in to the club. She's pretty hot, right?

Beautiful. Yeah. And I was so drunk that I was like, I got to go up to her and tell her how much I love her show. Because that was a time when her show Big Little Liars or fucking Big Little Lies was very popular. So I go up to her and I get so like thrown off that I go, I love your show, Big Little Liars. Yeah. I combined Big Little Lies and Pretty Little Liars. Yeah.

I remember she was just kind of looking at me like, you should go home. So yeah, things like that. What type of guys would you like steer towards when you were like like intoxicated was there like a certain type was it always like athletes i played club lacrosse in college so i was always kind of like around like you're a playmaker out there yeah do you ever like do that drunk yeah actually wow okay so every year we had fall ball and then then lacrosse is a spring sport, but every fall ball, every time it ended in the season, we would play our rivals. I went to Boulder, and our rivals were Colorado State.

And every year when we played Colorado State in fall ball, which was kind of a joke, but it was still like we would travel the country. We took it seriously. There was practice every day in the spring. Yeah, no, women's field like, it was still like we would travel the country. Like it was, we took it seriously. It was practice every day. And the women's field hockey and like lacrosse are like a big deal to them. Yeah. I mean, it was club,

but it was still like a run, like probably like a D three program. We'd be running on the East coast, but, um, I would always get drunk for the last game of the year. And I played center, which like you take the draw and I would always miss the draw by like an inch off yeah you're

casting spells on people out there exactly um it was fun but like it definitely wasn't my best work yeah because i had a drive there too you know so it's just like different talking to girls you know what i mean i hate that yeah it is very like i'm a dude it's not like possible. It's weird. Just try. You've never noticed that? Like, you think you talk the same around like dudes as you would like your girlfriends?

I'm always the same. I don't know if I believe that, bro. Yeah, I am. Like if we had to sleep over and stuff, like... I'm always the same. I have a lot of guy friends. A lot of dude friends. A lot of bros.

You're not just saying that I am a dude Because like you want to be One of the boys Like I am one of the boys I always I mean

I've always been Really close to a lot of dudes Yeah Well it's weird I would never call myself Like a guy's girl Because I have a lot of Girlfriends too

And I think it's a red flag To be like I'm only friends with guys It's like well that's a problem Yeah Well how come Like how come girls Always like hate each other

That's not true I don't know it kind of is no i like a girl until she proves me to not like her okay i'm like that with anybody would uh like what would be a huge red flag for you if you were like communicating with another girl you know i mean i don't like girls that are like i don't have friends with girl i'm not friends with girls like that like well and then that just means you're a bitch yeah any girl that says they're not friends with other girls is just like you're a bitch yeah so you're like nah nah yeah you're a bitch that's why yeah you would you would say that yeah because you're a whore oh you would like call them you'd call them out that's a you problem so you're not afraid to like raise your voice i don't raise my voice

but i'll say what i think i'll always say what i think yeah i mean guys always have like questions i mean i have a lot of questions i'll just ask you all them i hope that's okay um i mean that was my primary question was like i just feel like girls because like boy like dudes always kind of like you know if you go out to a bar or something like even if guys like kind of bump shoulders a little bit you know what i mean like deep down they're kind of like erect you know what i mean they have a boner and then uh you always see them make they're about to like make out the men yeah like when they bump shoulders like what the fuck dude are you stupid but they know in the back of their head like they want to have everything's gonna be okay because they're gonna fuck later do you think all men are gay i think like at least 10 for sure are you gay

say like 10 yeah have you ever hooked up with a dude no no emotionally i have that's a big thing to admit yeah like i've been uh i've been at like coffee shops with dudes and we're just like having such a good conversation and you're in your mind you're like having sex with them no no nothing physical just emotionally i feel like a little like sexually connected i feel like tingles you know have you ever talked to a guy like obviously like when you talk to me you know like sparks are flying and stuff i'm like you know i don't know if i would say in this context you don't have to admit it but it's like i don't like you know like when you talk to a guy who you're like you know you have like feelings for and stuff yeah you get that like feeling yeah like that

you felt that with a man i felt that at a coffee shop yeah with the dude were we guys there to discuss like were you there as friends or like? I think we were just talking about like stuff that didn't matter. And that's kind of like why it made me feel that way. What matters? I mean, nothing matters. Exactly. Yeah.

So we were talking about like nothing, dude. Nothing matters. That's the best, man. Like, you don't, you don't feel that way. Like when you just talk about like nothing with someone. I don't think anyone talks about anything ever we're not talking about anything right now well i mean like a lot of people i feel whoever's listening to this i'm sorry you're listening to this we have nothing good to say well i mean like i don't know i mean you do if you're listening thank you for listening

but like we're not gonna say it's gonna change your life about what anything yeah my motto in life is nothing matters no one knows what they're doing we're all gonna die yeah i mean that's super depressed i've got a tattoo to my arm really is it in latin it says nobody knows it's the middle part of that saying wow what does that mean though like what should people do just fucking like blow up building and shit no the point of that saying is is it it makes it it's you just gotta let go and like do whatever the fuck you want because at the end of the day nothing matters no one knows what they're doing i mean i i mean there's some degrees of what people do know like brain surgeons i would hope know what they're doing but like overall like i don't think anyone really knows yeah but there's like deeper meaning to that saying like if you said that to a dude at like a denny's who was just like falling apart like

he could fucking shoot up the place or something like that yeah he could if he wanted to but or you could see it as like a positive like you're right like i should go pursue my dreams that's how i see it i see it as like a do whatever you want pursue your dreams like who gives a shit yeah no one yeah no one gives a fuck that's a good model to live by thank you that's how i live my life you just don't want to be like one of those old people though that's like you fucking like you fucking live and then you fucking die that's not how i see it yeah no you gotta you gotta make dying makes living worth living knowing it's gonna end really yeah because if you live forever you're not gonna like really live how would you uh like how do you want

to how do you want to go out i think when i'm old just like in my sleep just covered in money just covering comb mail strippers yeah wow and mail strippers in a mansion on malibu dude that would be a sick way to go out yeah just like at like 89 okay so you're 89 and you're just taking dicks to the face and they're just passed away i'm asleep the dicks are just there the people yeah it's a party so you're 89 with dicks hovering around your face like slip away in my sleep after having a very wonderful life dudes talk about dicks a lot and like i can talk about dicks i just gave you an opportunity dude yeah but picturing 89 year old me surrounded by dicks it threw me off yeah it was kind of funny though it was It was. Like, the imagery of, like, an 89-year-old.

I mean, she's living her best life. Yeah. And I was going to say, like, this is a good way to go out. You're right. Surrounded by dicks. And money. And a mansion, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, see, it's not that bad. Maybe we're manifesting this for me. I like it. And love. I want there to be love involved. Yeah. Real love real love you feel like you're like running out of time in life no just like fall in love with a guy oh um no no you're like taking your time yeah i think if you're gonna spend forever with someone

then find them whenever you want to yeah where do you um where do you like want to meet a guy um this is actually what comes to mind first i always need to wait and whatever comes to mind first uh sometimes when i drive into the holland tunnel there's a lot of really nice cars around me in my dream of dreams like a rolls royce would like roll the window down and be like hey you like here's my number like let's go to dinner tonight that's like my like ideal scenario just like some rich guy and like a bentley coupe or like a rolls or like a matted out g wagon it's just like hey you blonde in the black lexus here's my number we're going out. Wow.

Just no. That comes to mind because I was driving into the Haunted Haunted today and there was a lot of nice cars around me. I'm like, can one of you just like be hot and ask me out? But I'd like to be asked out or find someone like a really like whimsical off the cuff way. Okay. I mean, those are two completely different because one is like not really like personality related you're just like looking for like a big swinging dick which is cool man but like i know that was a crazy thing to say but it is fresh on my mind and i want to meet someone in like a really crazy whirlwind way yeah i mean this is the reason again i who knows i'll

probably wake up tomorrow and be like that was the dumbest thing i've ever said but i there's always weight to how you feel in the moment so anyone listening i might feel differently tomorrow okay okay well how do you want to meet someone i don't know i just get i just get sad when girls fuck you how do you want to meet someone probably in like a supermarket or something that's the lamest thing i've ever heard no if i was buying like hummus or something and i'm like oh my god try this brand shut up your ass i mean i think it would be more romantic than that you know okay just shut me down bro i feel like i feel like you'd be really picky to to please yeah yeah what makes you think that i I don't know. Just like this conversation. I hate you. I don't know what, like, so you haven't given any of these dudes a shot?

Not the 48-year-olds that are DMing me for my number, no. Yeah. Well, what, realistically, like, what did they say, though? Was it, like, kind of creepy or were they, like? They're friendly and then they sent me eight novels about, like, nothing. And then I'm like i don't know you i don't want this what do you what do you want like what do you want them to say nothing i want them to not say anything yeah does it like feel good to like shoot it like

do you enjoy like shooting a guy down like no oh really i never enjoy ever denying someone yeah luckily i don't have to do that very often if i don't want someone to dm me i delete the message and i block them yeah i'm trying to like think of like what a dude could say though that would like you would respond to without you know if, if I, they could say anything. If they had a cool back Instagram to back it up, I'd be like, you could say poop. You could say like a one liner.

You could say, Hey, poop is a good one. Yeah. That's something I would say. Yeah. If someone just DM me poop, that's it.

One word. And their, and their Instagram was like hot, funny, interesting, well-traveled. So you think I have a chance is what you're saying. Yeah. DM me poop tomorrow. We'll see what happens. I've done that before.

Hey, be better at conversation and then poop me again later. Yeah. I have that thought a lot. Like I'll think about saying like something random to a girl via message. And then I'll imagine her being like, wow, this guy is different. Yeah. You know? Try it out. Yeah.

Like, if I just sent, like, penis in all caps lock. Yeah. With an exclamation mark. And she was like, wow, this guy is a different breed. You know what I mean? That could be a little forward. Mm. Yeah.

Penis is a little hard. No pun intended. Yeah. Do you have a hard penis right now? No, dude. What the fuck? You're so weird, bro. Dude, the way you said that was so weird, bro.

You're the weirdo. Yeah. I'm just mirroring your weirdness. You give off like a a cory chase vibe cory chase yeah is that a person yeah she's a she's a legend you should uh you should google her like um on the train or something not right now no no not right now is she old you want to be around like a lot of people when you uh when you google her. All right. Porn hub.

Got it. That's funny. She's like the way you said that, though. You know? You're like, is your penis hard right now? Like, that's what. That's something she would say. Got it.

You know? Do you watch a lot of her videos? I've seen a few. Do you watch porn a lot? Dude, yeah. How often? Every day? Just once a day.

Once a day? So you're going to do it tonight? Before i go to bed after after this i'll probably just watch this i hate you wow yeah do you watch porn a lot no i don't i don't like it bro i don't really like it so like what do you what do you think of them just my please just go just go along with it give me an honest answer being honest so you've never you've never watched porn i've i've watched it and you were just like this isn't for me i just i'm like i don't know them like i grew up in the age where like me and my friends would like google like two girls one cup and we would stand around a phone and be like ew and like that was my like experience with porn or we would look up like farrah from teen mom and we'd all be like ew yeah so those are my like early impressions of porn where it was just kind

of this like disturbing thing yeah i don't know if two girls one cup would be like porn per se whatever it was disgusting and that is my first experience with porn and now i'm just kind of like i've gotten to this age where i'm not like i don't need it yeah and um i don't think it's good for you i respect that yeah yeah and i'd i have other things that work for me yeah like you have your imagination for sure i have a brain what is like going on is it always like different uh my thoughts? Like your sexual thoughts? Yeah, I'd say it's different. Yeah.

I think it depends on like what's going on in my life. Yeah. What is like, you're probably not going to answer this, but like what is like the craziest thought, like sexual thought you've ever had? I'm going to paint my sexual thoughts for you and the podcast. I'm just kind of curious. Something like. Normal things. I don't like i

i would like to be like i'm so crazy but no i keep it uh you know well i mean like i'm like a sexual deviant sorry yeah i'm pretty normal well i mean you did say you had sex with a guy in a bathroom so i think a lot of people do that i mean that's that would be like an example of me being like when i presented the question that could have been like you could have been like sometimes i'll think about me banging a dude in like a okay kitchen sometimes i think about like eating cake oh wow during a sexual experience i love food that's more popular uh than you think really yeah is there a porn category where people are eating have you ever seen uh cake farts i've never seen cake farts oh dude another thing you should google like when you're around a

lot of people yeah it's like this girl and she's naked and there's a cake in the middle of the kitchen i don't want to fart and she uh dude she she farts on the cake i don't like that at all dude it is one of the funniest things i've ever seen in my life am i gonna but that's like her that's like her thing she's naked i don't remember i think she's some people like farting yeah she's either in like a bikini or like completely naked wow but that video is it'll definitely change a man for sure yeah it's so funny do you look for humor in your porn no you're like hey i really want this to make me there are moments when i laugh though and i just can't i have to stop i was gonna say i feel like that would throw off the yeah porn is hilarious okay like the act even i mean you don't watch it but like the acting is

one of the funniest things ever you think they think it's funny i mean i've seen i think they cut it out like i don't think you would but i'm sure when they're doing like cuts they're like yeah we're gonna they have to stop you know what i mean there's no doubt my mind dude like if a girl like queefs or something they're gonna have to be you know like at least at least one dude has laughed but they i've never have you seen queefs in porn videos yeah really sometimes i'll laugh but like is it part is it supposed to be hot or queefs hot is it supposed to be hot in a video like temperature wise like why would they cut it out? Oh, like if the dude laughs. They laugh in porn? No, I'm saying like if you were like producing a porn and this dude was having sex.

I'm saying when you watch porn, have you seen someone queef on a porn video? Yeah, and I've tapped out. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. The Internet's a crazy place. Yeah. Do you only use only use porn hub or is there a lot of other places that you use no i've been using this um this site from like the soviet union okay what's it called i'm just kidding no i mean we've talked about this before but i'm like into like you'll

probably make fun of me but i'm into like passionate porn and stuff like that i've been trying to use my imagination you type in passionate porn i type in passion hd really yeah yeah the storylines are usually pretty good you know like a lot of them there's be like like a mom like a wife and his and husband yeah it'll just be like a wife making trying to make a baby yeah it'll just be like a wife she's making dinner and like some dude comes home in a suit. Really? And you're just like, yeah, it was a tough day at work. Like, I think we owe money to the IRS. Are you making this up?

I'm not. I swear to God. They act all that out? Yeah. It's so funny though sometimes. Wow. I feel so innocent right now. I don't know any of this.'s why well like a lot of dudes

who i have on like a topic conversation is like porn a lot like dudes talk about like see we're talking about porn i told you i'm like one of the guys but you should hear some of the things like dudes will say are your audience members gonna hate this no this is what they live for is it all dudes yeah usually mainly dudes who watches this usually like autistic men nice hey another question you probably like won't answer but like if you were like a chick and like you didn't know me and then you like went on my instagram what would you what do i think what would you think? Let's go in there. Let's see. You've seen it, dude. Yeah, but I want to go through this with you.

I'm removing myself from myself, and I'm going in cold. John Silky. Psyche. Dude, put some respect to my name. Okay, so you got 3,000 followers. That's fine. Whatever. I'm not impressed, but I'm not not impressed, okay?

You have three pinned videos they better have a lot of views let's see am i gay that's got good viewership 75 000 and then it's you lifting that's oh dude in a polo who lifts in a polo you don't think that would i'm out on that okay so the lifting a polo i'm kind of out but the dog photos are cool i bet all right he's got a cute dog. He's clearly funny because the dog pics are funny. Let's see how many likes that got. 440, that's a lot of likes.

So people like you. I'm going to rate this, say wouldn't fuck, but wouldn't not think twice about. Yeah, so we could go to a Chili's or something and just hang out. Yeah, I like Chili's a lot, actually. Yeah, Chili's fuck like go to like a Chili's or something and just like hang out. Yeah. I like Chili's a lot actually. Yeah. Chili's Fox. Maybe you got like a two or 20 or something.

Yeah. I like those nuggets there. Chili's has nuggets. Like the tempura battered ones. Chili's has nuggets. You're always lifting in a polo. Yeah. That doesn't get you going at all.

Do you golf? Do you golf? I golf. Okay. Why do I have to like golf to wear a polo i don't know i just i want there to be a reason that you're in a polo because i'm original bro that's why i thought i was gonna get a polo yeah you brought it up a bunch of one to i would fuck you're at a five i'm like halfway there. Yeah. Maybe more dog pics. Yeah. Less polos. Yeah, I remember that.

I'm here to serve. Thanks, dude. I appreciate your feedback. Your Yelp review. Yeah, I thought that was pretty honest. Look at mine. You tell me. No. Alright, that's boring. I did that for you. Yeah, I don't want to go You know what, dude? I'm a good right. That's boring. I did that for you. Yeah. I don't want to go.

You know what, dude? I'm a good guy. I don't want to go on my phone. I would rather give you attention. You asked me to do that. I would rather give you attention in person, though. All right. Whatever.

I hate you. Yeah. I don't like you either. Okay. So my name's Tori. I don't watch porn. I'm no longer sober. I want to fall in love in a tunnel.

While a rich guy rolls down his window and asks me to fuck. That's exactly it. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. You are a good listener. Now I get why the podcast has so many followers on Instagram. It's listening and educational content

the reason i stopped drinking originally was because i wouldn't stop texting an ex-boyfriend which is so embarrassing couldn't i have jokes about it wow so you just brought up the most interesting thing at the end of the podcast dude way to go bro you can edit this you can you can cut this the way you want it. No, I want it raw, dude. Tell me about this. Yeah. What was he like?

What was he like? Yeah. Well, it's a funny story. I met him when I was in high school. And we dated. But then I went to college. So we broke up. And then off and on we would meet up throughout our you know young

lives and then covid hit and i went home to maryland and we started hanging out and we started dating yeah but then i was moving to colorado and he was moving to florida so uh we had a part ways um and it was a little premature like you know it was like oh bummer like we really liked each other and then it was kind of like like or love i know i wouldn't say love that i don't like say it to him apparently i did when i was really drunk one night yeah i bet um i don't remember but um another another thing you're afraid to admit it's fine yeah i'm afraid to admit things everyone can put the pieces together if you're listening you know the truth she keeps running away all the men that are watching this all right so you loved him and then you parted

ways parted ways but it gets worse like i was in colorado and then he started dating someone like a week after and then they visited colorado and it really hurt my feelings how hot was she not really that was the worst part one of ten i'd rather her be a 10 because then it's like oh he really likes her but i'm like he or he'd like whatever likes her for her looks but i was like he must really like this girl because she was like four um that's so mean she was not cute though anyways i was hurt my feelings were hurt but i was never gonna reach out because i was like i'm this is crazy you're gonna visit where I am yeah this new girl so I didn't talk to him for like two years and um got to the point where like when I would drink I would want to reach out because I

had closed that so tight for myself that I never had closure also my grandfather died and like the day of his funeral he was like putting like the photos on all over instagram with his new girlfriend and i just was like he knows how much my grandfather means to me like this it just felt like i was really like dragged through the mud for no reason when like we parted ways on such amicable terms i get that i might sound crazy talking about this so in depth but you asked and i don't really give a shit but um uh yeah so i i i sealed the jar so tight on my own emotions being like you don't care you don't care you don't care and then i got really hammered last year like early march and then i called him and just like

it's like every thought that i ever had that was like oh like i can't believe you started dating someone so quick quickly after we broke up and I can't believe you like visited Colorado with her. And I can't believe you posted it. Like when I was going through such a hard time in my life, it was just like, but it wasn't really even English. It was just like spewed thoughts.

Wow. And I was really embarrassed the next day. I was like, that's crazy. Like I also thought I had moved on. So I was like scared of that. So I was very rattled. And then I kind of moved on. I was like that's crazy like I also thought I had moved on so I was like scared of that so I was very rattled and then I kind of moved on I was like my bad I was drunk who cares and then like three weeks later I did it again when I was on a bachelorette trip and that's when I was I woke up and I looked at my phone it was like 4 a.m I saw all these texts I

had sent I had a flight in two hours my suitcase was just exploded everywhere i just it was this moment of extreme anxiety that i was like i never want to feel this way again so i stopped drinking wow march 27th 2022 is when i stopped drinking wow i almost fell asleep wow dude what um it's boring it's a boring reason to stop drinking i had jokes about it where i'm like yeah a people like i killed a family yeah i mean it makes dude it pains me so much to say this but like you're actually funny really yeah oh my god really like your jokes are funny you know what i mean oh thank you so much and i guess you're like all right but wow you actually watch my clips and stuff that hurts so much to say like i you're like, all right. Wow. You actually watch my clips and stuff?

That hurts so much to say. I know. Women aren't funny. I get it. Because I don't want to give you any validation. That's a joke. Yeah. It's just like, I don't want to give you any validation.

Wow. That's huge. Yeah. I just want to let you know that. It's been coming from you. I know I've almost fallen asleep a few times. And I just wanted you to know that. Well, it's been hard to work with you.

So I haven't been able to be my best self yeah there was like an inner dialogue like even leading up to the podcast you know when you reached out to me and you were like hey i know i think you're hot and like i really want to come do this podcast with you i did say that like in my head i was like i know this is gonna suck really yeah and even though you knew i was hilarious yeah there's something in me i was like i know this isn't really yeah and you were wrong i'm just happy like i was right you know oh this was awful it was like the worst experience of my life is it over that's that's why i stopped drinking now yeah which i think is funny i couldn't stop texting but uh glad to say that i have stopped i mean now everybody knows you know like you're crazy yeah but i think everyone's crazy yeah no you

think you're not crazy i mean that does take a lot of courage to um admit yeah you think nobody like you know when people break up and they're like yo she's fucking crazy bro and, you know, when people break up and they're like, yo, she's fucking crazy, bro. And, like, you know, I never hit her up. It's like if you actually saw in real time, like, you would see some back and forth for sure, like some crazy stuff. You know, I did that with my ex, dude. Like, you would call her and be like, I love you. No, dude, I never called her. But I went to, dude, I went to fucking Times Square. time square this is like sort of after we broke up or something i just went to this bar outside of time square dude and i just started drinking bud lights

by myself and uh i'm just there this is like this year really yeah how long are you dating only like six months okay that's a lot still i think the older i get the more i give weight and value to my past relationships even if they were only six months seven months like it's still a time in your life that you care for someone yeah i mean dude she broke up with me and bro i literally like because i'm i don't know i think you could put the pieces together but can can i hear just like her reasons why i don't know. I think you could put the pieces together. Can I hear her reasons why? I don't know. She didn't tell you?

I don't know. She probably did. I blew up her house. I just said so much. I don't know, dude. I don't know why girls do it. I'm sure she had a reason why. We weren't getting along.

Comedy, really, pretty much. Was she a comic? No. Comedy will ruin getting along. Comedy, really, pretty much. Was she a comic? No. No. Comedy will ruin your life. Yeah. Are you done? Yeah.

Anyway, dude, back to my story. Dude, so I'm just, like, drinking Bud Lights at this bar. You know, I had just gotten dumped or whatever a few months before. Oh, Jesus. Oh, I thought it was fresh. I like slugging him dude oh that's a sad part i think it was a few months later got it okay that makes sense yeah i get it it's just like you know it's not like right after waves emotions yeah so like i'm you know i'm on this emotional roller coaster dude and uh i ended up like uh being like hey you know i reached out

i was like hey can i get my sweatshirt back and uh we like planned a time or whatever and this was the night like i was drinking like and uh yeah dude i ended up like going to get my sweatshirt bro left flowers and a note dude and uh i'm like walking back to the train like you know a little buzzed you know and i'm like fuck man like what did you what are you doing like what are you doing and uh you know i thought i'll get like a response i was like you know that's like the sweetest thing ever whatever how long was the note i would say like six complete sentences it was like a very heartfelt note, bro. Got it.

And yeah, I just remember walking back and being like, oh, like I'm waiting for this, you know, this text. Never got it? Nope. And that was it, man. Do you feel like you are owed some sort of closure at all? I feel like a pussy, bro. I think everyone feels like a pussy at some love is embarrassing yeah but that was a vulnerable moment dude you know what i mean

yeah like i didn't have to do that you did not but i did flowers were the bad flowers i went by this like flower it was like they were outside they were selling flowers outside they're like seven dollar flowers but it was like a legitimate flower shop i get the spark notes of what the notes said because then that'll help me understand yeah the spark notes were like um like a lot of pussy shit you know like i really loved you no no no nothing like i loved you so much no it was more like self-deprecating oh like i deserve to lose you you're so perfect yeah i hope the next man can provide for you hey i hope you know i hope you're happier now like a lot of it was like i wish you the best that's very sweet shit like that yeah well she sounds like a bitch she's not gonna say anything to that yeah man i just thought there would be like

different ending but there wasn't yeah and then i went to the gym bro i just fucking started shredding it in my polo is this your shredded version of you no no no it's just bulking season for me bro i got yeah i get it i'm not doing well man i'm not doing well with i don't feel good about myself right now at all yeah like i weighed myself the other day and i was like dude i went to the urgent care the other day because of my my illness and they weighed me and was like, do not tell me. She was like double my size. So I felt kind of bad. So I was like, she's probably a dumb bitch.

But I was like, don't show me the number. And I'm probably the end of summer this happens. Because you're like, you try really hard going into summer. And then you get tired of trying. You just let go of the reins. And my reins are gone. Yeah, dude. I didn't get on a scale for a while. And then I hopped on. Do you own one? Is it here? No, it here no no no i have one in my apartment but i kicked it under my bed it's so

dusty i went to the one at the gym and i was just like dude i don't think the scale works and it fucking works bro but yeah dude like you know i just like i was like oh i'm definitely like in good shape you know like i'm doing fine and then i got on the scale and i was like dude you fucking ruined it man like you let go and it's too late now dude you know it's not too late it's never too late how old are you 27 yeah yeah even when i was in good shape like you know i had a little bit of a six-pack going and uh still wasn't getting pussy dude like i still it didn't like correlate you know what i'm saying are you celibibate? I mean, not by choice. How old were you when you lost your virginity?

Why is that funny? It's hilarious. I think I went like three years once. That's a long time. And I was in the best shape of my life, dude. Weird. What's that about? Are you just bad at talking to girls?

Well, a lot of it was like I was so focused on like getting in good shape and shit. I wasn't going out. Were you happy? I don't know. I think so. Yeah? Yeah. Okay. Because lately I've been hearing a lot of people be like i was the thinnest i ever was that i was the least happy and i'm trying to think of the times that i've been my thinnest i'm usually pretty jazzed that i'm thin so i'm like i don't like give a shit well i mean you have a joke about this which is like it's an all right joke whatever but it's like body dysmorphia no no no about like having

clear thoughts what joke you don't even know your own jokes dude would you steal them like how am i gonna meet a man when i can think clearly yeah that's about being sober yeah and that's what i'm saying like i was so sober and like so healthy i like my thoughts were so different than anyone else and i could like you know it didn't really like give me an opportunity to meet chicks you know but if i was going out to like bars and stuff and like getting blackout like you do like i could have for sure that's i get it i mean my sobriety i was very focused on other things and honestly i miss a lot of it like i miss the clear mind i also I've had encounters with men where I'm more into them than I would have done and I will go certain places and

I'll do certain things that I'll wake up the next day and I'm like why'd you do that yeah I never met any sober women that was a thing like there was not there's none of them yeah and again I think drinking is fun I think there's a time and a place but I've against having gone full cold turkey and coming back into i have a new mindset and i think there's so much value in creating connection with someone sober because you'll understand them yeah versus like have you'll have a lot of fun but like like i actually have had i had a time during my sobriety where i was hanging out with someone who i thought was a friend but they thought otherwise but thank

god i wasn't drinking i was able to stay in my mindset and eventually he admitted he had more feelings and i was like and i had moments where i was like do i have feelings and i would have for sure gone there had i been drinking and at the end of the day and that ended up ending kind of weird and i just look back on a lot of it where i'm like oh i'm really happy yeah i was sober during that time because it would have ended so differently yeah and that's something i've been keeping in the back of my mind as i drink again where i'm like do you like this person or are you just buzzed and you think you have a connection it's really hard yeah for sure as like a i think i like to think that i'm very mentally clear and

understanding but alcohol just changes everything yeah dude i would go home with chicks and my boys would be like dude whoa you know what i mean yeah but i was just so blasted i was like dude solid fives bro you know so but yeah dude i just like i really wanted to meet a girl that was like sober like i i kept i kept the hope and it just never happened man what about a gym girl no i don't know man like no girls are really sober like it's not you know and you don't want to be the guy that's like yeah i'm looking for a sober girl you know because like i'm not necessarily looking for that but it would just be kind of cool for like a chick to be like yeah you know i'm just looking for of cool for like a chick to be like, yeah, you know, I'm just looking for like a genuine, like a meaningful relationship.

That's like real and not like, you know, like I don't want to be with a chick who's like, who needs like an espresso martini to like get, you know, to have a conversation with me. You could go to AA. Yeah. And just start smashing. Yeah. But there's girls there. Like wait at the exit or like attend the meetings

wait at the exit yeah that's a funny concept yeah that'll be a good sketch idea well that'll be a good porn idea actually now we know what you're into wow full circle now we know what you spank to dude yes sober no like AA meetings I've only ever been to one it was all gay men and it wasn't supposed to be it wasn't like a themed but I think a lot of gay men

struggle with alcohol addiction because a lot of times they don't come out and they have to like deal with their problems with alcohol that would be a tough way to come out just being blasted at a bar like I'm white I'm gay I fucking love dick i bet a lot of people have gone through that really and like no one listens i'm sure a lot of

gay men if they were in the closet and they got hammered they things would slip i saw a dude come out at a gay bar really yeah it's a beautiful moment to witness yeah in um in new york city that bus moment like a tie no it was actually really sad oh he was crying it was in a hell's kitchen and me and a few comics ended up at this gay bar and we didn't know it was a gay bar until we got in obviously and the band got so drunk that they had to dip they were like yeah like our drummer just fucking threw up and so they were just letting people go on the stage and like singing stuff and this dude just like legit came out of the closet he's like i'm gay no he's like i'm gay and he was he was blasted and like no one listened to him and i was like dude that's not good man when was this earlier this year it was like me and just like a few other comics we didn't even know we

were at a gay bar that's hilarious yeah but i mean why house kitchen we were near the um the midtown pair oh and like it was in walking distance and we just went and we're just like all right you know like let's go get gay you know sounds like it was a good time honestly gay bars can be really fun good music yeah it was a good time yeah you can get hit on you get a nice little like a ego boost yeah none of that happened but it was a good vibe like you felt like kind of comfortable i felt like i was at home yeah i felt like i was at home all right dude um that's it bro that's it that's it bro we're done we're done bro really you should shout out your uh i only came on here for bub yeah he's gone now i know uh yeah sure follow me uh at tori cole it's t-o-r-e-y because i'm special

c-o-l-e um yeah follow bonding podcast it's a really good podcast if you like podcasts go watch that one and not this one bonding podcast uh yeah i think that's i think that's good yeah that was pretty good that was good that was pretty solid thank you for coming dude and um thanks for having me like i said dude no homo i do think you're very funny wow i mean you're like an all right person i guess but i do enjoy like your jokes and stuff thank you you know it means a lot so i hope that means a lot bro like i hope yeah you go to bed tonight just like thinking about that no next time i go on stage and we're like johnny slum yeah that's all you need so y'all can suck it