The Johnny Salami Podcast - Travis Grant
Episode Date: March 20, 2024Travis Grant is a NYC Comic/Actor. We met each other in a stand up comedy class at New York Comedy Club. In this episode we talked about Crossfit, steroids, throwing stuff at houses when we were young...er, and much more. Follow Travis on Instagram: trav_grant Join the Patreon for $1/month to see the bonus episode. Thanks for the support.
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I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn
Yeah
Laughter
Music
Well I love you madly dear
And I need you badly dear
Why did you leave me here
Without your love
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music Oh bro I'm hurting.
I just got these plants, dude.
Yeah?
I don't even think they're real, to be honest with you, man.
I don't think they are either, but they fucking fooled me. got them from amazon they're kind of like broken i was kind of
upset when they came in how are they broken they're like fucking bent
shit ass plants it's upsetting man well i was upset with myself because i was like dude if
you can get plants you get real plants you know there's no way i feel like you would let these
plants die for sure if
you had real plants yeah one time a girl got me a plant dude it died right away like i didn't
and water it died in front of her eyes too this relationship is meant to fail yeah well dude she
gave me a plant and like i think a few months later she was like is it the plant i got you
and it was just like brown. Do you even recognize it?
No, that's another plant.
That's another fucking plant.
That's the worst, man.
When someone gets you a gift and you just treat it like shit.
I'm trying to think if I ever – I've definitely treated gifts like shit before.
Oh, yeah.
I remember my nanny got me like a ring.
It was like a shit ring.
But I –
It's your family. I was going clamming and I threw away like a clam because it was too small and it got under
the finger and the clam went flying and the ring went flying and i had to get a new ring and she
was there at the store like while i was getting a new ring i was like fuck i gotta like evade her
oh you were trying to get the same one i was getting the same one and she got it like like
with my initials on it, too.
Oh, man.
She was like, Trav, your ring.
Jesus.
It's your ring.
Was she heartbroken?
She never found out.
Yeah.
Yeah, she's fucking dead, but.
It's a heartfelt story.
A heartfelt tale, dude.
Yeah, she's fucking.
Dude, one time, this girl who who was dating high school yeah dude for uh
just to ask me to uh to the dance like to her dance dude on my truck she like took uh sticky
notes cover the entire windshield asking me to like her dance so when i walked back from my
baseball game you could i could see it on the
windshield and everyone else saw and they were like oh my god that's so cute and stuff i was
just like so how the fuck am i gonna drive away you know what i mean like it's my old windshields
and then she gave me uh she gave me a baseball like with a bunch of romantic stuff on it okay
no joke dude a week later uh we were playing home run derby.
I was going to say, did you crush a home run with it?
Oh, dude, I was using like, do you know, like, have you played baseball?
Yeah, I sucked dick at it.
But you know the concept of like a little league field versus like a big league field, right?
Yeah.
Dude, we're playing home run derby at a little league field, like a big league field right yeah dude we're playing home run derby at a little league field like a small field with big league bats oh so you're just
fucking crushing them oh something like my buddy just tooks out he takes out the the ball and he's
like dude this seems kind of like special man like you sure you want to hit this and i'm just
just laughing i fucking hate that bitch over a house i I don't think I ever got... I had a girl give me a laptop once.
I thought you were going to say a lap dance.
No, yeah.
She bought me a laptop for my birthday.
Holy shit.
And I was like, oh, because I bought you tickets to the movies.
I bought her some stupid shit.
And then we broke up and she had like...
She told her dad that I hit her.
And then the dad came over and he was like give me the laptop
back and i was like you're concerned with the laptop like first off i didn't hit your daughter
but second off like what is this it was like three in the morning jesus she's not making like uh he's
not helping out with the whole case no no i was like i was like take the fucking laptop dude i
don't give a shit dude get. Get this thing away from me.
You gave it to him?
Yeah, I gave her the laptop.
Oh, jeez.
I just want her out of my life, dude.
She's so toxic.
Yeah.
I was like, this chick is fucking...
Nice tits, though.
Fucking wicked nice ass.
It's usually how it goes.
Yeah.
She was the worst person in the world, dude, but...
She was so hot.
I'm not going to lie.
She is still hot.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And she's one of those... Still? How old lie she she is still hot yeah yeah and she's still
how old is she now i'm 33 so she's 32 okay and she's uh she lives in texas and i was doing shows
down there and she was like before i booked all the shows she was like i see you still do comedy
like you should come do shows in texas and i was like i don't know anyone in texas and then like
that next month i met people and i booked like a week of shows all around texas and i was like i don't know anyone in texas and then like that next month i met people and i
booked like a week of shows all around texas and i was like hey i'm actually coming to texas
and then um yeah i never met up with her though i should have though they have that song dude
dick down in dallas man yeah she's in uh where the fuck is she houston she's in houston you just
pretend you know that was sick man you know? Yeah, she's down in Houston. That would be sick, man.
You know?
Just banging a girl to that song.
Fucking dick down in Houston.
Dick down in Houston.
I feel like that's what all my buddies are saying now, though, dude. They're just like, I'm like, why are you dating this chick, dude?
She fucking sucks.
Dude.
You know?
And they're just like, dude, you see her cannons, you know?
Would you rather date a chick for tits or ass
probably tits man yeah really you look like a tits guy that's what i've been saying for years
dude but sometimes you know i get pushed the other way you know what i mean this whole thing
is like that's a tits guy yeah that's a guy who likes tits i feel like at our age dude like tits
they'll uh like if you see a girl with a nice
ass our age, man, something's going on.
It's probably not real, you know?
It's either that, like, I would almost rather it not be real, because if it is real, like,
you know what it is, dude?
Like, when you see someone, okay, like, when you're, like, 23, like, everyone's in shape.
But when you see someone who's, you know, like, you're in your 40s, and you see someone
who's really in shape in their 40s, you're like, this person's a fucking lunatic.
Yeah.
It's like, cause you know that like if a girl has a nice ass at our age, you know that that's
all she's doing is just hip thrust every day.
Dude.
And like counting, counting individual calories and just obsessing about it.
Like you're a psycho.
If you have a six pack and you're like 48, where's your kids? Like where's your kids? You know a psycho. If you have a six-pack and you're like 48, where's your kids?
Where's your kids?
If you're on T, it's kind of like,
all right.
Dude, I'm going to take
so much steroids when I'm with these.
I'm going to take mad steroids.
I'm just going to hop on stage
just buffed out.
This guy is out of his mind. Do you think you would take tea like do you think you would see a doctor and just be like how much
you get some blood work and stuff or you would just go all in
just under the table like black market like horse tranquilizers
five or some some guy at a deli yeah you're throwing fucking haymakers at people at like a local deli
i think a turkey club and uh some annavar yeah for fuck's sake yeah you're telling the guy that
the roast beef reminds you of your ex dude you're just fucking throwing haymakers at people dude
punching a sandwich yeah i've thought about it too man taking tea once i start i mean right now
i mean i'm 27 dude and even when I fart now,
like I don't know what's going to come out.
Really?
You know, I'm just like all you can do is pray, man.
Well, I think it all depends on your, like, genes and shit, you know?
If you have good genes, like my dad's 70 and has, like, a six-pack,
so I'm like, all right, I think I'll be all right.
Really?
70, bullshit.
I don't even know what he does.
Like he's just – like you –'s just Oh that's a healthy guy
He takes care of himself
He only eats a handful of Skittles
And pound cake
And bacon
And no water
I'm doing great
He's like an insect
I don't know
I got a buddy like that now
Everyone thinks he's on steroids
But he's all natural He looks like an insect. I don't know. I got a buddy like that now. Everyone thinks he's on steroids, but he's just, he's all natural.
Dude, he looks like a walking boner.
Dude, that's.
If you saw him, you'd be like, what the fuck's going on?
Someone gets like really jacked.
They get that like dick skin.
Dude, the veins.
It's crazy.
It's like.
Their skin gets like thin and veiny.
You're like, this guy's a cock.
Yeah. Dude's carrying around three dicks, dude, literally.
Dude.
It's... I don't even know. That's got to be genetics, dude.
Like, the veins and shit.
Yeah, yeah.
You can see literally, like, 20 veins, dude, just going through his arm.
I'm, like, about to jerk off his arms, dude. It's crazy.
Would you rather be, like, a big fucking, like, refrigerator dude, but no veins? Like, just a big Polack fuck. Yeah. Like like a big fucking like refrigerator dude, but no veins, like just a big Polack fuck?
Yeah.
Like a big Polish.
Just strong.
It's a big Polish meat hammer.
Yeah.
Or would you rather be like a super thin vascular veiny guy?
Definitely a bigger dude.
Yeah, the bigger dude?
Yeah.
I'm trying to look like Aaron Donald though, dude.
Who's Aaron Donald?
Oh, he's an NFL player.
Oh, dude. He's like 300 pounds,, he's an NFL player. Oh, dude.
He's like 300 pounds, but he's like a fucking gazelle.
Shit.
You know what I mean?
It's hard to explain.
Those people are, those guys are out of control.
Yeah.
Like, those genetics, those are like, I think those guys are such, like, freaks that I think
if the world got attacked by aliens, I think the military would start recruiting NFL players.
Really?
Because that's like the cream of the crop of our race. In like a non-racist way? attacked by aliens i think the military would start recruiting nfl players really because
that's like the cream of the crop of our race like a non-racist way they're like
they have like a disclosure at the bottom like we are not racist we just like these ones
these ones are just better the reporters but that like nfl players those are the cream of the crop of our like you know of humankind i mean dude you ever see like uh crossfitters yeah those guys talk about
like walking boners dude even the chicks the chicks are i um i feel like you're the type of
dude your feed would just be filled with those
like big chicks like crossfit chicks like dead lifting dude when i was um and i was like in
college i lost my phone at a bar and i was like fuck i'm trying i'm calling it i'm calling it and
this woman answers and she's like oh i have it i'm like oh cool so you were a paddy power last
night i was like yeah she's like yeah i come by the gym i'm at the gym right now um i'm like
where's the gym and she's like it's over here i have your
phone i'll give it to you so i go to this gym it's like a crossfit competition and i'm like
who the fuck her name was uh like agatha or something like something crazy
and then i was like looking i was like where the fuck is this okay agatha where's agatha and they're
like coming up now for the delt lift. Agatha. She's just like this.
Dude, she was like my height, but like 250 pounds.
Really?
Of just like brick muscle.
Just muscle, dude?
Yeah.
And then she just cleared like 400 pounds.
And then she got off and I was like, I'm Travis.
Yeah.
For the phone.
I mean, dude, that's wild, man.
Did you end up going out with her?
Yeah, we had sex.
Yeah, we had rough sex. Because I've thought about that a lot, man. Did you end up going out with her? Yeah, we had sex. Yeah, we had rough sex.
Because I've thought about that a lot, man.
Like, making love to a CrossFit chick.
Because they put out those videos and, like, they're wearing, like, volleyball-style shorts.
And they're doing, like, deep squats.
And you're like, obviously, I'm going to, like, it's going to cross my mind.
There's, um, there's those people.
There's the people who, like, like getting like they're like a smaller dude and they like getting thrown around by one of those women yeah
like they put like their head in between their legs and the woman like squeezes it like a melon
yeah they're out there man they're out there i forgot who told me about that someone who's like
really into that stuff they just like really big girls that like put them in fucking guillotine jokes until they like come
yeah i mean i don't blame you if i was a small dude i might get into that
like
fucking oh my god you never know what you're into man until you try it out you know there's
probably there's probably many comedians who are about that honestly man i feel like most
comedians aren't even into uh you know any sort of intimacy yeah they're just if you talk about
intimacy ever around here dude you're you're gay like it's like anything moderately emotional dude you talking
girls you're fucking gay yeah every video i see too is like around here you know there's always
a question like oh like uh what do you like what's your favorite position every time the girl's like
i love just going right in a doggy it's just like it's like dude that is insane that's wild
yeah like what if you're going out with a girl she only did?
I like doggy, though.
Doggies.
Yeah, but just like going right into that.
Only, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
That's like some trash ass sex.
Yeah.
You're admitting that you have daddy issues.
You know what I mean?
That's like some hooker sex.
Well, in a bad way, I guess.
That's like hooker sex.
Yeah.
I mean, dude, we got to keep uh like four play
alive you know what i mean dude that's all you had to say man that's all i had to say
but dude uh crossfit though um there's a girl named brooke wells if you want to
look i'll send it to you after this okay yeah brooke well i don't
know any crossfitters why are they so like there's so much douchier they're like yeah well dude they're
all on steroids for sure but they can like uh cycle on and off it you know what i mean oh so
they don't they don't get tested they do but i think they can just like cycle off when it comes
like testing time i don't know it's It's testing them, dude. Probably like some fucking.
Probably like another steroid guy.
Just a doctor like in a lab coat.
The dude who like sells them.
Yeah.
I mean, I wouldn't be surprised.
You know what I mean?
How do you even get steroids?
You just go like the biggest guy in the gym?
No.
I think they would probably get blood work.
Probably word of mouth first.
First thing that probably happens, bro. And I've done CrossFit, no homo, dude, back in high school I did it for like a few months.
First thing that probably happens is you see someone like with like dicks on their neck.
Yeah.
Like clean and like hang clean like 400 pounds and you're like.
That's fucking crazy.
Yeah, you're just like, how do I do that?
Hang clean is the one where you're like, you have it above like that, right?
You like swoop it up.
Yeah.
It's crazy, dude.
They're doing that.
Like that shit, the shit I'm talking about, I could probably do like 300 pounds.
If you could do that with 400 pounds, you're a fucking mammoth.
Yeah.
Like a mammoth person.
Yeah.
So like people probably see that and they're like, oh, dude, if I'm going to be good at this, I need what that chick's taking.
Yeah.
And then they go straight to the farm, dude.
It's the muscle farm.
It's crazy because it's like people think,
oh, if I take steroids, I'll be like The Rock.
No, you won't.
You won't be like The Rock.
You're not going to be 6'8 and Samoan.
Yeah, you still got to put in the work. Yeah, but even if i took steroids i think the biggest i could be would be like probably 215
really yeah i'm like 180 now yeah it's like that that would be people would know
people would be like something's going on
and like quick too like you know travis dan just blew up the 220 yeah he's fucking huge yeah that's
the thing dude like you see pictures of these chicks and you're like that's that's a fucking
man dude like that's a that's a legit man you know you think uh well they start getting like
hair and stuff they start getting like facial hair and like pecs it's like boobs on top
of one of my favorite videos dude and listen man i'm not that into crossfit it's just like
i just love the hot chicks in crossfit there's a video of like the chicks what like they run out
like for the competition yeah it's so funny wait what so it's like all of the competitors all the
chick competitors they run out into the arena and you
just every single one of them is just like like enormous yeah their traps are the size of my
fucking head dude i don't know if i'd be able to do that yeah i think like make love to one of them
yeah making love oh dude i wouldn't even hesitate man it wouldn't especially like dude like you're
into fitness right like you're you work out and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You ever think about just, like, banging a girl while she does, like, a kettlebell swing?
If it's possible.
Like, she swings it back into your nuts.
You're like, ugh.
Yeah, you probably have to orchestrate that.
But you know what I mean, dude.
Like.
Yeah, you know, you keep up swinging kettlebells and fucking.
You know what I mean, dude. I mean, the gyms and fucking, you know what I mean, dude.
I mean, the gym is like home to testosterone, though, dude.
You got to have those.
They probably only want to bang big muscle dudes, though.
Yeah, like dudes who are stronger than them, for sure.
Yeah, because unless they're into squeezing dudes' heads with their thighs.
Yeah, I doubt it, dude.
They're probably so competitive.
They're like, I need a man who can.
They'd probably be impossible to deal with. Like, you couldn't just like go out to dinner with them. They're probably so, like, competitive. They're like, I need a man who can... They'd probably be impossible to deal with.
Like, you couldn't just, like, go out to dinner with them.
They'd be like, oh, this restaurant.
If I had to guess, man, it's probably the dudes that are in their gym.
Because they're with each other every day.
Yeah.
And then they just say, like, gay shit to each other.
They get so gay in there, dude.
This relationship is gay.
Yeah.
Well, they're just talking about supplements, like, they don't even need't even need they're like oh did you try that horse grass yesterday that was seven hundred dollars
you try that fucking lamb dirt that lamb dirt's good lamb dirt that fucking lamb dirt will get
you going dude so uh one more thing about crossfit did it, dude. I did it one summer in high school, and I already felt gay going in.
Oh, shit.
Like I went in.
Have you ever seen like a CrossFit gym?
Yeah, it's got like a – it's kind of like a gym, but it's got like different shit all over it kind of.
It's like the gayest place.
I was literally just like, yeah, it's kind of like a regular gym, but not at all really.
But, dude, I walked in, and I was like, yeah, I'm looking to sign up or whatever.
And I see these people doing like crazy movements.
And this dude was like, hey, like, does your mom want to?
No.
He's like, does your mom want to join?
And I was like, oh, that's a good one, man.
Like I thought he was like, fuck it with me fucking with me and he was like no i'm being serious
no i want to stick my penis in your mom i was like listen man if you want to go outside like
it's like a casual way to ask someone to fight
hey listen man if you try to go outside or something
but yeah dude i saw these people doing like max out fucking deadlifts yeah with like terrible form
like dudes are doing like scoliosis for time. Dude, you got... Scoliosis for time?
Dude, I can't believe...
To this day, I can't believe you asked me that, dude.
You know?
My mom's 69, bro.
So back then, she would have been...
I don't know.
I'm not doing the math, but, you know.
Out of her prime.
I was kind of offended, bro, but...
Dude, so I joined this CrossFit gym.
Your mom?
So I joined, bro.
And one day I went at like 12 in the afternoon.
And it's like me and just these stay-at-home moms.
And I'm like, oh, this is sick.
Like I'm about to get
a workout in with a bunch of moms dude so the first like uh exercise was rowing you know like
those row machines yeah you're fucking so we're all too we're all lined up and the teacher who
like tried to get my mom to come he's getting us all riled up dude like crazy train was playing
and shit he was like let's fucking go that's his that's his go time yeah song they put on some jams dude he's like all right let's get it let's get it and then they have like a
clock and they count down dude once it hit one i fucking reared back dude like as hard as i could
borderline borderline shit myself
dude dude the fart that i exerted bro literally like bounced off the walls
did anyone look like
so it happened and none of the moms laughed and dude i could not stop laughing
dude farts and shitting will always be funny but it's like the unexpected farts you know
what i mean because i had no idea
like dude we went from like getting ready like i was in the zone like motivated listening to
crazy train to that dude you shit yourself the crazy train dude so i'm crying laughing
and this guy is like
dude he was trying to like motivate me to get back out there he's like dude come on
like stop laughing he's literally like let's go man like you pay for this
and i was like all right man and i just dude i couldn't stop laughing
dude the lady next to me like saw
me laughing and stuff and uh she was doing like box jumps and she just smashed her knees on the
box oh she couldn't focus like your fart single-handedly disheveled the whole class
yeah dude i ended up i had to go to the bathroom and i just stayed inheveled the whole class. Dude, I had to go to the bathroom
and I just stayed in there for the whole workout.
Yeah, he fucking...
Dude, that guy fucking hated me.
Shit.
You got to keep saying...
Did you stop going to the class?
I kept going, but every time he saw me,
he would make a joke
about anything that he knew made me upset.
Like my mom. Mom's's here your mom back there
he's like where's your mom johnny hey shit kid your mom fucking coming you just make like subtle
jokes man that he knew like made me upset just to like let like let me know that he fucking hates me
was he at least around your mom's age no this guy was probably in his 40s he was a weird looking dude man i don't know the actor but
if i knew his name i could explain it he's like uh he's bald you know he kind of had tits that
was the funny thing like he wasn't in shape fuck his wife though dude so he had a wife yeah him
and his wife ran the crossfit gym but he he just wanted to plow your mom. Yeah. Dude, he was not happy in his marriage.
What's your mom?
Because I'm very unhappy in my own personal life.
Please.
This is no longer a joke.
Yeah.
So you just clean yourself up in the bathroom?
Yeah.
I mean, I remember wiping.
I don't think I shit myself, but I was like, dude, if you go back out there, you're just going to start laughing again.
At least I can shit yourself and laugh though.
Yeah.
Yeah, that would have been crazy, dude, if I farted and kept a straight face.
It just smells like shit dude it's like i don't think i
ever shit myself i don't think i don't think i ever shit i used to when i was a kid i would
take all my clothes off to take a shit okay like what age like a week ago yeah yeah i did it up
until i was like 12 and i was like all right you're going to middle school next year you should
probably start doing that.
Stop doing that.
Why did you do that?
Do you know why?
I don't remember.
I think,
I think I was afraid I'd get shit on me.
Oh wow.
I think I was.
And then like one time I did it as an elementary school.
I did it.
I went into the stall.
I took all my clothes off.
I stacked them up in the corner of the stall.
And then like older kids came in there and they were like,
go fucking some naked in there and i was just like and they took the clothes like they just
reached under and took the clothes and i was just having an anxiety attack but eventually the fucking
teacher came because i was in there for like 20 minutes and she just found me like she come with
your clothes or she just came to help you no she just came to call my mom all the lights are off he's like he found your son naked taking a shit dude
and uh yeah they like legitimately took your clothes and never gave them back yeah i never
saw those girls again i don't even know who did it because i was in the stall yeah so i just see a
hand like oh man yeah dude dude i was having an anxiety attack especially at that age holy shit
even if i was like i mean if i was this age i'd be like fuck yeah so i'm about to find out about
my secret class naked because that's the thing i feel like when you like you don't really have
you don't really have secrets when you get older because you're like yeah this is just like what i
do like fuck you i do this weird thing eat shit yeah but like when you're a kid you're like yeah this is just like what i do like you i do this weird thing eat yeah but like when you're a kid you're like oh i don't want anyone to yeah
i don't want anyone to see this weird thing that's true yeah i wonder what that is man once
you get older you just kind of accept it you're like listen yeah i'm gonna you know i don't
even know the weird i do dude probably because i'm so used to doing it it's probably not weird to you
you're probably just like yeah this is what i do what do you what do you think you do now that's
weird that like i full-blown talk to myself like and i used to be like in my 20s i was like i was
like dude this is a crazy thing like uh externally or like i make no i'm talking okay like you would
think i'm on a bluetooth wow and then you like, like, so I just, and I answer.
And then it.
Does it make sense or no?
It makes sense, for sure.
I think it's good because I talk through things that, like, before I'm going to say them.
Yeah.
So, like, you know, like, if I have something that's on my mind, I'm like, talk through this.
Okay.
And then, yeah, but I used to be super self-conscious.
I was like, I hope no one sees you doing this.
Yeah.
And I would just do it, like, in the car when i'm driving and now i just do it i'm like
at applebee's alone and i don't even fucking you might have ocd or something i think i do
yeah i think i do i had pretty bad ocd when i was younger dude yeah yeah i twitch too
my hands are like super twitchy that's always been a thing though
just an applebee's alone eating and twitching
and talking to myself yeah even now dude uh i used to think i had a tick when i was younger
dude because i would always blink and shit and i still do because my eyes are just fucked yeah
like my eyes are fucked man like vision wise you're saying just everything dude you know
when i was younger man like uh just like my vision was terrible, like, from the start, but I would always, like, open my eyes underwater, you know?
Yeah.
See some titties and shit.
That's what's up.
That's what's up.
But, yeah, dude, there was, like, I think I was in, like, yeah, I was in first grade and we did, like, a concert that they recorded and we were all playing the recorder.
Okay.
Some people were singing and shit.
And I remember watching, like, the videotape in singing and shit and i remember watching like the
videotape in class and i'm just fucking going like this like non-stop non-stop my eyes weren't
open at all dude the whole fuck this kid's really into it oh dude i was blinking like every
millisecond i was like fucking the whole concert yeah so everyone in the class is watching this they're
just like what yeah they let a special needs kid in the in the concert dude you know what i mean
who's this fucking who's this fucking kid yeah but speaking of the bathroom dude i got in trouble
once uh this special needs kid was uh he was in the bathroom and uh he would pull his whole like
his pants down oh that was just to pee that was a big thing
with that yeah and i was taking a shit dude and uh i hear him like yelling and stuff like he's
getting into it you know he's like making sounds and stuff so i'm like all right man like i gotta
get back to class because back then you had to like you couldn't be out for that long or no yeah
you're getting in trouble dude yeah that's why the teacher found me so i'm like all right just
open the door and like just dip you know what right, dude, just open the door and just dip.
You know what I mean?
Dude, so open the door, and he turns around.
Dude, he's pissing everywhere, dude. And he's screaming at the top of his lungs.
And a teacher runs in.
They thought I was like fucking with them.
They thought you were beating them up.
Like his pants were completely down.
They thought you were beating up the naked special needs kid
yeah i looked dude i got in so much trouble bro they didn't listen to anything i had to say i was
like oh they thought you did it i was like hey listen i was just taking a shit like i mean i
didn't say that but yeah i remember getting in a lot of trouble dude jeez man i mean rightfully
so like if i did yeah if you were doing it that's like that's like treason
dude you can't fuck with special needs kids man it's too easy dude you're a real like there were
some kids i went to high school with that did do that and it was just like come on man like oh yeah
what the fuck's the matter with you dude i think i'd fight him to be honest with you i've never
gone in a fight before but if i saw someone like yeah the great it was like the grade below me
would would do it.
Like physically or just like emotionally?
No, just like scream at them and stuff.
That makes sense.
No, they never like attack them.
I thought you meant like they were like throwing hands.
I woke up to a special needs kid punch him reason yeah i'd be like whoa what's going
on with you dude what's your fucking problem yeah dude that would that would be insane i've
never even seen that yeah i think probably people probably don't do it a lot too because they know
they'll lose probably yeah if you fight a down syndrome kid dude he's gonna fucking my friend got laid out
by like by one and really yeah he's a big dude they call them super sean holy and he was like
like 350 like big old dude wow and like in high school he could because we had a weight room
and i remember in high school he put up two plates on each side just like in high school in high
school wrecked it out and we were
like dude this kid's strong and i forgot what happened but my friend was talking to this chick
and i think he thought that chick was his girlfriend and he just like ran down the
hall and trucked my friend oh man and my friend went like right down we were like yo tommy you
just got laid out yeah yeah so he probably got made fun of a lot too
after that yeah we just laughed at him we were like dude he super sean just took you the fuck
out yeah i would they're strong bro yeah like it's not even you know yeah god rest his soul
he's dead actually really yeah how did he pass away just being huge, I guess. Yeah, if he was 350.
Oh, they're not like the healthiest eaters, I don't think.
I don't think.
Yeah.
Do you remember, I didn't even do this on purpose, man.
I was walking up the stairs in high school, and I'm talking to my buddy,
and we're talking about vaginas, dude.
You know, just casually like talking about vaginas.
Yeah.
And the special needs kid behind us could hear what we were saying and no joke dude he literally started running around the building
screaming vagina and he would he went in each and every class to scream it oh good for him
that's a fucking bro right there dude it was one of the most beautiful moments
like i've ever dude that's awesome actually because sometimes they hear stuff and they go
oh like that's cool like you know i don't even know what happened man oh that's cool
i was dude we were in class and we could hear him yelling it it was like a circular building
dude you know good for fucking him yeah he's a legend man
what was his name i don't know i never met him one of them uh their name was raj
the dude who pissed everywhere his name was raj which is a sick name to have dude i remember i
remember them being uh like super horny like they would like hook up with each other in the hallways
really and like no one like you're not gonna stop that dude you know i was just like all right that's just that's what they're doing i don't
think i've ever seen that man no i would see they were like making out and stuff and like touching
each other like in our school that's how it went down wow we were very different breeds dude we
were very yeah they're like out in the hallways and we were like all right well that's what's
happening and you just let it happen yeah that means that's what's happening. And you just let it happen? Yeah.
I mean, that's what's happening.
That's wild, man.
Yeah.
That's sick.
I mean, they look like they were having a fun time.
So I was like, whatever.
Just let them be, man.
Let them be.
Wow.
Bunch of legends, dude.
Yeah. I don't even know, man.
I used to think about like what would happen if I saw like a special needs dude getting
made fun of.
Some people think I'm special needs, dude.
So it's like I got to protect my own.
You're like,
you'd be like their leader.
I think so.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That would be sick.
If you had,
um,
if you have an army of them,
what would be your first move as,
as,
as general?
Hmm.
I think we would just play sports all day.
Yeah.
You know,
always hang out.
I think, uh, to this day, man, even when I see like a ball or something,
like I want to play catch right away.
I don't know what it is.
Yeah.
Something's going on.
Something.
Yeah.
Something.
It got bad, dude, even when I was in.
Even to this day, man, I'll hit up some of the homies from back in the day.
I'll text them.
I'll be like, yo, you guys want to meet up in the Dollar Tree parking lot and like throw some Hail Marys?
You know, drink some coffee and stuff.
Beer's not coffee now.
It's always been coffee, dude.
Really?
There's never beers, yeah.
Really? You're not a drinker?
Well, just for that specific moment.
Oh, okay.
You know, because you want to be on your game, dude.
Stop some pigskin.
Drink some bean water. And I didn't know how like crazy that sounds
you know but coffee to ask someone that who's like in a relationship now i would think that
you're fucking with me if you want just drink some coffee have a catch but you're right yeah
you're going through it but to me that just seems like uh a good night you know yeah but uh dude you do uh jiu jitsu right i do that's pretty
sick man yeah i got my black belt a few years ago do you like talking about it or no uh so right now
my hips are like fucking shot so i had a hip surgery i was like 27 yeah and uh my hips are
just now i used to compete and shit i wrestled in like community community college for a little bit
and then it was like a club team.
Wrestling was super hard, dude.
So I was just like, I don't know if I want to do this.
You get to a level where you're like, dude, these fucking kids are about wrestling.
And I am not about wrestling.
And I started doing jujitsu.
I was like, all right, this is like more my speed.
And I just stuck with that.
That's wild, though, dude.
You're a black belt.
That's insane.
Takes a long time.
It took like 10 years.
Really?
Yeah.
So you must have been like super committed for a while.
Yeah, I was competing for like eight of those years.
And then, yeah, got the hip surgery.
I was like, well, I can't fucking move now.
Yeah.
I had to like relearn how to walk.
It was fucked up.
When someone takes your hips away, it's like, because even like getting up out of this chair,
you realize
like oh that's that takes hips like everything is do you have like hip impingement or something
just genetic so you have to run with those sports all the time and i always ran on pavement
so like i think just that constant just grinding them down and then um yeah so then they are what
they are yeah and it sucks but get actually cortisone shots tomorrow holy shit
both sides and we'll see uh we'll see how that goes yeah it makes like um
i got fucked up hips too but i don't really believe anything anyone says to be honest
like i don't really trust doctors man i know that sounds like kind of like conspiracy but
yeah yeah like uh this one one physical therapist was like,
yeah, man, you have hip impingement.
You need to have surgery.
What is hip impingement?
I think basically your hips are supposed to rotate
at like 360 degrees.
Okay.
If you have impingement,
it's just like rubbing against the bone kind of.
Oh, okay, cool.
You know, like it doesn't have that space to rotate.
I think that's what I have.
Really?
I have like shallow hip sockets.
And then i remember i
was like they'd start her when i was like 26 i would be like doing mics and shit and i like
walk around the city and i'm like hobbling i'm like what's going on because i'm 26 like this
should not be happening and then i went to go get them checked out and they were like yeah your
shit is destroyed yeah but like dude doctors will always tell you like oh you know like
take these painkillers like right away they don't even ask you know they're just like oh take these
painkillers and like you know it's always like the same prognosis for everyone but yeah i love
watching youtube videos of like those asian guys you know and they're just like listen don't listen
to those fucking pussies dude listen to us yeah we're we're asian but i started doing like um like hip
movements and stuff that this asian uh i mean he is a doctor though these dudes are doctors
they're just like youtube doctors you know um but yeah dude i started doing like hip and
penjaman like exercise and stuff man my hips cleared up right away is that the one where
you like like that and you like have like one i can't i mean there's a bunch of them but yeah
there's a lot of them yeah some people some people do like crazy hip shit like they have like their leg like that
yeah and they do it like the box is under here and then they like push off like that like i could not
do that my hip would be screaming dude the craziest one is like um it's called like a couch stretch
okay and uh i mean they call it the couch stretch because you can like do it on your couch.
Okay.
You basically like put your like knee against the wall.
It's kind of hard to explain,
but it's so fucking hard, dude.
I literally like,
I legit start crying when I have to do it,
like a little bit.
After the,
after I got the surgery,
because like then you're immobile for like,
like literally on a couch for like two months.
Yeah.
So I was too,
they're like,
we can do the full hip replacement or this. Wait, you got hip replaced no so i wanted to get there like that's a better
surgery yeah it's an easier healing process and it helps with everything you're trying to do yeah
but you're 27 so we can't we can't give like a hip you're too young yeah the hip replacement
last 30 years like do you plan on dying when you're 57? Yeah.
And I was like,
no.
So we're going to do this one thing where we go in and we shave the bone
down and then it's up to you to rehabilitate it,
which was sucked.
And it was like two months of me just on a couch.
And then I finally started doing PT after the two months.
And like my it band was like a guitar string.
It was like,
he like, he like, we're going to rub it down. And he was like a guitar string it was like he like he like
we're gonna rub it down and he went like that and i was like like started sweating like profusely
yeah well that's that's another thing dude like the some people will like massage their it band
dude but your it band is like a fucking dildo dude it's like super hard yeah like you're not
even supposed to you know i got dildo it bands
yeah i don't know man i just uh i just like to try shit out and see if it works first and then
like you know worse comes to worse i'm just like all right i guess we'll are you you're uh you're
like a power lifter or were no never never once in my life yeah yeah no power lifting is the
power lifting is the gayest thing ever but not not i hated
the powerlifters those guys are just big fat not even they just look like shit
they look like shit they lift every like 10 minutes they'll do like one rep and then they'll
talk to people and it's like dude fucking work out like you suck i hated power lifters dude and i
hated how everyone was like dude you're a fucking power lifter bro just because every once in a
while like i'll get sad and i'll just shred it you know what i mean like i'll slip a few discs
you know but like no dude never never powerlifting i'm just picturing you like this one guy lifts
like a thousand pounds and you're like, you look like shit.
Anybody ever tell you that?
You look like shit.
Oh, me and my buddies would talk shit about him all the time.
It's like, oh yeah, dude, you can lift fucking, you can squat 750, but you look like a fucking mechanic.
Yeah.
You see that guy?
He's like this like enormous Greek dude.
You would hate him. Like Copacolak or something like that okay he like does these like zurcher lifts where it's like literally like
4 000 pounds and he's just like he moves like that and he's this big fat greek fuck but like
everyone loves him really and he like he'll lift like three times.
He's like, like screaming.
Dude, it's just like when you reach a certain weight, it's like, dude, you're not going
to have good form.
Like anytime I lifted heavy, dude, I was only doing it because I was like upset about something
and I had to like let it out, you know?
And it never felt good.
Like lifting wise, you know what I mean?
It felt good to like let it out what
about emotional was yeah i think that's why i was doing it yeah just to let off some steam but like
dude once you like you know if you're squatting like 500 dude like your whole body's just like
shaking like you have no idea what's going on it's just like dude my squats always been bitch
i've never had a good squat like ever ever ever really nah it's just never more like a
shoulders arm guy yeah i mean squats are tough man yeah they are they're fucking even to this
day i don't even think i know how to squat the right way i feel like um it's like a genetic
thing like there are some people who just like put up weight squat wise yeah and their hips are
just like they're just gifted with like yeah like the
ass to grass i'm like i can't fucking do that there's no no way man no dude even like when
people see me on the street dude i look like i'm like shitting my pants like i'm literally like
waddling and shit you know what i mean i don't i don't even know how to explain my body dude like
it's just like all fucked up you know what um you said you said you did play football or yeah yeah everyone uh i wanted to play
college but i uh i like hurt my knee like i sat down with the coaches and stuff and they were like
yeah man like you can come play like d3 and stuff and they were like by the way it's like
75 000 a year and i was like all right man i'll think about it yeah i'll get back to you dude
yeah it had nothing to do with like talent or anything i was like i don't have that type of
money you know yeah so much money like especially like those d3 schools just like and then you find
out dude like i can't even imagine wrestling in college dude it's um and even when i was like
like i thought when i like when i was younger i was like in college age i was like whatever you're
just like being a bitch about this. Like you're like a child.
And then I went back to my friend who was a comedian, was wrestling for CW Post, which is D3.
And he's like, oh, you should come train like with us.
And I was like 25 at the time.
And I was like, oh, cool.
Like you're an adult now.
Like wrestling probably won't be as bad to you now.
And I went back.
I was like, dude, wrestling sucks, dude.
Like even at 25, I was like in wrestling sucks dude like even at 25 i was like
in like a d3 room and i was like this fucking blows dude this is just hard i'm kind of jealous
though dude because like i don't really know how to defend myself dude like if i ever got into an
altercation yeah you know i'd probably just pull my pants down dude you know what i mean like i
started pissing on a guy like if i got into an altercation with somebody who used to wrestle dude i would get
fucked up i would get fucking tossed dude it's for sure like a like a superpower dude yeah yeah
also like grappling strength is way stronger than like weight lifting it's you're like lifting
bodies i mean i think i got that down dude yeah but dude i've always been like damn dude i kind of want to i wish i wrestled just so i knew
you know there's the wrestling is um also like wrestlers are such like deranged they're like
strange deranged people yeah i remember there was a big tournament when we were like in high school
and we all went to this one bathroom stall and one team just took shits in the same toilet and like didn't
flush and it was like a mound of shit oh you did poop stacking yeah i've never seen that ever before
in my life someone explained to me what that was on this podcast dude it was hilarious i
fucking like there was no water it was just like a mound of shit like the only way you get that out is you go with
your hands and like scoop it out you can't flush that down you got to feel for the janitor dude
i would quit dude i would quit on the spot there's no way yeah i'm not fucking doing this
dude yeah some people say that's a good job for comedy dude is to just be like a janitor yeah you know i'm researching the role i'm method acting i wouldn't i don't know man maybe i guess
it depends where it is yeah i feel like you have to scope out the scene first be like are these
people taking big shit so like what's going on or if you were like yeah but like what school are
they gonna fuck with you like if you went if you were a janitor if you were a white janitor in a hood school they would fuck with you dude like heavy dude like if some of they
would just like throw like a hamburger at you like point blank you think the pay would be better
though they'd be like hey listen you're gonna deal with some shit like you think i think i feel like
it would just be just the same i think an an office, after-hours office janitor would be sick.
Just go in, like, clean the cubicles and stuff.
Oh, the guy who, like, the night shift guy.
Yeah.
That'd be sick.
Yeah.
Also, like, I know, like, remember in high school where, like, you know, because you're a dick.
You're, like, a teenage dickhead.
Yeah.
And, like, you know, you and your friends get together.
The janitor walks down
you're like look at this fucking fat fucking janitor dude like fuck this guy dude you know
like but then then you're the janitor and then it'd be like oh shit i'm yeah what type of janitors
do you have in high school we had one guy who was like i mean to, to us, he was older, but he's like, realistically, he was
probably like 35.
Okay.
Realistically.
But then we had, he was cool.
I think I remember we had another cool guy, but then most of them were just like fat fucks.
Yeah.
Just like fat fuck janitors.
All of ours were Portuguese dudes.
Really?
They all knew each other, dude.
Really?
One time, what did we call this dude?
Fuck, I cannot remember.
Oh, we called him Muchacho, dude.
Oh, yeah.
This Portuguese dude at the high school.
So he was super nice, man.
He would always talk to us, and he would drink on the job.
You probably could drink on the job.
Yeah, he would drink at night, so we would have basketball practice and stuff, and we would just see the job. You probably could drink on the job. Yeah, he would drink at night. So like we would have like basketball practice and stuff
and we would just see him like taking it down.
We were like, this guy's the fucking man.
He would always talk to us,
but he spoke like broken English.
He literally, you couldn't understand a word he was saying.
You should be like, hey.
Dude, I'm actually Portuguese.
I found that out.
Yeah.
Wasn't raised Portuguese,
but I found out like I'm like 75% Portuguese.
Oh, you're going to live to like a hundred, dude. Yeah maybe yeah but that's uh that's a tough language to learn dude yeah i
tried over pandemic i was like what is going on dude so uh there was like a hurricane like years
ago in uh rhode island it was like a small one it was just like a bad tropical storm i guess yeah
so like the power's out dude all the power out uh all the
power's out in the neighborhood uh there's like trees that fell down and stuff so like me and my
friends were walking around and we saw this uh like this apple tree in this dude's backyard
and we were like oh dude let's go take some apples and like throw them at houses these are like i would do that now dude these are like full size
it's like bombing a house with an apple dude these are like full-sized apples too
dude we filled bags of them and uh dude, so we decided we were going to throw all the apples at that dude's house.
He was growing the apples.
Oh, shit.
So we threw a shit ton of apples at his house, made the loudest sound ever.
And that janitor comes outside.
No.
Yeah.
It's his fucking house.
He was like, hey.
Dude, I don't know.
I don't think he saw us.
What are you doing?
What are you doing? Get back here. That's how's how they sound like what are you doing yeah he would always be like hey
that's all he would say i felt so bad man i was like damn dude like that's our brother we just
like the ultimate sign of disrespect you just stole his apples and
bombed his house with them. That apple tree probably meant the world to him.
Dude, the apples look so good, man.
I almost ate one, dude.
I was like, these are fucking good apples.
Dude, I miss doing shit like that. If I had to go back to high school,
it would be for a week vacation just to do shit like that.
Oh, yeah.
We would shit on things.
Do you guys shit on things i could never
like i never had the focus do we like there was like there was a there was this tree it was like
a park in the center of the town yeah and we all climbed up to the tree just like took dumps out of
the tree off the tree off the tree oh shit but it was like it was like may so it wasn't a leafy tree
did you see kids just shitting out of the trees?
Jesus.
They're shitting on things.
Yeah.
Did you ever light a bag of shit on fire?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
And I got caught for it, too.
We tried doing that once.
This kid's shitting a bag, and we put it on this dude's windowsill, and he ran up to it
and tried lighting it, and the lighter wouldn't work.
So he just left the shit there.
Guy just had shit on his window shit like for like four weeks
so we'll just leave it dude we took shit we took shits on swings and we covered him in sand
so it just looks like a pile of sand and some guy came with his daughter and was like oh sand on
this oh man got a handful of shit we was like sucks for you pussy and just like ran away you're not i don't care
what you say you're not catching like a 15 year old on foot like oh there's just there's no way
i mean i i would not catch i wouldn't catch my 15 year old self like your crew was pretty in
like good shape yeah we're all like athletes and stuff yeah i used to purposely take this one kid
just because i knew he'd run out of breath.
He was like always, he had like asthma and shit.
So I would, we had, I had two, I have two trees in my mom's backyard, dude.
They're, they always have acorns.
Yeah.
So we just fill like, just grocery bags filled with acorns.
And then we would run at houses, just absolutely bomb them.
And I would just do this thing, thing dude where i would hit like 10 houses
in a row as i was running and then the kid behind me would be like
he would like borderline cry sometimes you're like stop
and then they come out and they see him he's like what do you mean he's my friend well dude it's
always the people man that you like you think aren't gonna fuck with you that fuck with you
you know like even this dude two houses down he was just a russian guy
and my mom would talk to him sometimes and his wife and one time we were literally just hanging
out in front of his house we weren't even doing anything yeah you know like we weren't gonna like
egg his house or anything and he was like get the fuck out of here and we were like all right old
man like like i didn't say that but like yeah the smart asses in the group said it yeah and uh they're like just ignored him they didn't say anything and uh he was like all
right i'm getting my gun we were like what the fuck there's they were like there's no way this
dude has a gun he literally grabbed a shotgun and we were like all right well see you later
never going to that guy's house again dude yeah there's some people like i know like anytime
if you were fucking with someone's house and they were
like foreign,
like they weren't from America,
like they didn't give a fuck.
Like they'll beat the shit out of a kid.
They'll fucking kid up.
Well,
I think,
uh,
so you're,
you grew up in,
uh,
on long Island.
Oh yeah.
I can't even imagine like fucking with those people do.
Um, you're either going to get like a fucking lunatic italian guy or like just sets out like a bounty on
your family yeah i'm just like yeah like we would fuck people's like
christmas decorations and one time we like ran away we like ran
like a whole block and we're like all right we could stop
running now and the guy caught up to us because we because we were walking for so long and he just like grabbed us he was like a thick
dude and just grabbed one of us and was like you come back or i'll beat the shit out of your friend
damn and we were like all right you're gonna have them yeah sorry joe sucks for you dude yeah
damn that's crazy it's usually like lunatic italian people or like i don't know because like you said dude i would do that now yeah like if we had some apples and stuff and
you wanted to get after it i just feel like around here like we do one house and you would just hear
like ak-47 bullets go off into the air yeah dude you know what i mean there was one time where there
was a spot there was a spot we would like throw snowballs it was like There was a spot where you would, like, throw snowballs. It was like bushes.
And you'd come out of the bushes and, like, nail cars with snowballs.
It's, like, the best spot in the world.
And we did it until we were, like, 24 years old.
And we, like, nailed this guy's car and he turned around.
And he was like, you fucking could have killed somebody.
Fucking serious?
With a fucking snowball?
But there was, like, three of us. We were 24. We were like, we'll beat was like three of us who were 24 we
were like we'll beat the shit out of you and he's just like oh you're right and he like kind of got
in his car and drove away yeah yeah you just gotta stay away from rocks man that's why we used uh
dude rocks is crazy oh man i was with my buddy cam once and we were on my side hill and we were
literally having a heart-to-heart dude like we were talking about life and stuff get emotional and just to be like dramatic like as i'm talking
to him i'm taking these rocks and i'm just throwing them as far as i can and they're it's
going like streets over so you can't even see where it's landing yeah and uh my friend calls me
who lives two houses down and he's like dude are you throwing rocks right now and i was like maybe
and he was like dude you're putting holes in my grandma's house
i was literally putting holes in his grandma's house dude she was like freaking out so she called
my friend joey she was like i think your friend john is out throwing rocks at my house that's
a hilarious you throwing rocks right now i'd be like no everybody just knew if like someone was
throwing stuff it was me dude dude let's let's get together and fucking throw some apples at houses
i mean dude it was such a good stress relief man it really it really is it's really nothing better when you nail something with like
an apple yeah or like like a dirt clod yeah dude it was just run away man that anticipation
would you would you throw stuff out of bus windows
we would out of bus windows like the bus take you home from school we would
we had those really small windows, dude.
Even getting those things down was like a hassle.
Same here, but every few windows, one would come down like that.
And I'm like, oh, we can get our arm out.
And then my friend had a bag of dirt, and he fucking like wung it through this guy's open window,
and it fucking exploded all over his face.
He was like, it's fucking he fucking exploded all over his face.
He was like, fucking dirt.
Fucking dirt on my face.
And the bus drivers had like no idea.
Yeah.
Sometimes they would catch on to be like, what are you doing back there?
Yeah.
And it would be like, nothing.
And then, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. I miss it, man.
I think I did it for too long, to be honest.
There was a moment where everyone kind of moved on and I was like, let's run it back.
Guys, I'm at the spot.
You guys coming or what?
I got snowballs, I got dirt.
We get phone calls, man, if you want to answer a few.
Yeah.
I almost forgot, my bad.
Wait, what do you mean phone calls?
People just call in, dude.
Oh, sweet.
You know.
Hey, Johnny.
Long time listener.
call in, dude. Oh, sweet.
Hey, Johnny. Long time listener.
So today I'm in the Apple
and I'm just trying to return a phone,
get some credit back,
maybe upgrade.
And
all of a sudden, five dudes
take off with
laptops, just robbing the place.
I was kind of just
standing there in fear,
watching what everyone was going to do,
but I feel like I should have chased after them,
maybe try to trip one of them.
Yeah, I've seen what you would have done in that situation,
if you were me.
Awesome.
Thanks, man.
What would you have done?
You said he was,
he wish he would have tripped one of them?
Yeah.
Oh, dude, I'd start stealing laptops. Yeah, he'd mob oh 100 man fuck apple dude join the mob have you seen i've
been seeing some of those videos it's like looting yeah oh there's a lot of looting just like for no
because they can't do anything so it's like, you actually can't accuse someone of stealing something.
Hey, so you steal it.
Nah, definitely wasn't me.
I don't know what you're fucking talking about.
Yeah. When I worked at Dick's Sporting Goods, they were like, if you see someone stealing, let us know.
But don't try to stop them.
And I was like, all right.
By the time I let you know, fucking guy's gone.
Dude, we would just show up to work and like half the fucking glove rack was gone.
That's like a ballsy thing to do.
Like not one pair of gloves, the whole rack.
Dude, like $300 gloves.
Like, you know what I mean?
And they were just like, yeah, I guess we're fucked.
You know what I mean?
Because we're out of gloves.
Yeah.
They didn't do anything, dude.
But have you been, like, I don't know, man.
I don't even watch the news, really.
But, like, I feel like around here, you can do anything, man.
Just get let out on bail, pretty much.
Yeah.
I got arrested.
It was, like, before pandemic.
I got arrested.
I was at a friend.
And I had to blow on them. Yeah. And then, so I got my lawyer It was before pandemic. I got arrested as a friend. And he had a blow on him.
Yeah.
And then, so I got my lawyer.
My lawyer is from Brooklyn.
But the case was on Long Island.
And the lawyer was like, if this was in Brooklyn, like, I didn't even know if you'd have to show up to court.
Really?
I think I could just go here and just get you off of it.
Just for, like, possession?
Yeah.
He was, it was in front of a Hooters.
I got arrested in front of a Hooters. I got arrested in front of a Hooters.
I got fired an hour ago.
From Hooters?
No.
I worked like a big prestigious medical job.
And I crashed the truck.
And I parked the truck back at headquarters and didn't think anybody would notice.
Yeah.
And I met the boys at Hooters,
and my boss called me and was like,
what the fuck's going on with this truck, Trav?
And I was like, I wasn't there before.
And he's like, you're done.
Save it.
You're fired.
And I was like, you know what, dude?
I just got fired.
I will do some coke.
Never mind.
And then we were doing it in my friend's car,
and I hear, like, on the window,
and there's a light shining in my face, and I looked up, and there was a doing it in my friend's car and i hear like on the window and it's a light
shining my face and i looked up there's a dollar bill on my nose i was just like who the fuck is
that and he lowered the light and it was a cop and i was like fuck like there's no way i just
lost my job oh man and got arrested within one hour yeah and then it was the worst part was
they cuffed me.
They're throwing me in the back of the car.
And like all the hot Hooters girls are looking at me.
And I'm just like, don't worry, I'll come back tomorrow.
And they're like, yeah, no, you have no chance with any of us.
Really?
I feel like there'd be like flash flood warnings, dude.
I feel like they'd be into that stuff.
You just got like powder all over your nose.
Just getting arrested in front of a Hooters.
That's a legend.
So were you driving around with like medical equipment?
Yeah.
First I was transporting medical equipment.
And then I ended up like doing the medical cases.
It was a tremendous liability.
Yeah.
You're peeling out in the Hooters fucking parking lot.
Machines sloshing around the back.
I didn't know what I was doing.
Yeah.
My cousin worked the job for like 10 years.
And I was like, oh, I could teach my cousin.
And I was like, dude, I was a laser technician.
Wow.
And I was like, I don't know what I'm doing.
Yeah.
But I would go to these operating rooms just like yeah i'm the technician
and just like tremendous liability being in there yeah it's crazy man like it's all about who you
know though you know yeah literally literally yeah and like i do i was every day it was like
a tremendous anxiety attack i was like i hope and anytime it's like something went wrong with
the machine i was like fuck dude yeah what is it like doing uh doing coke man you don't have to answer that it's uh i
don't do it anymore but it was uh it's fun at first because you're just like i think like so
i started doing i was like 18 yeah then you're 18 you're like self-conscious about a lot of shit
when would it usually like come out like when would you usually you at least college usually college like people start doing it like what was the uh
what were you doing when you were doing it though just like partying yeah going to bars house
parties yeah shit like that but then it starts to get like you start needing more and more
and then you know people kind of stop doing drugs and you keep doing it and you're like oh you got
to stop it i'm just ramping up like yeah and then it gets to a point where you're just kind of stop doing drugs and you keep doing it and you're like, Oh, you got to stop it.
I'm just ramping up.
And then it gets to a point where you're just kind of like doing it.
These weird ass people.
And like,
you know,
like everything in your life is like,
you should stop doing this.
And then,
um,
I think you just have to like,
stop.
You don't have to get tired of being a loser.
I think that's what it is.
You just get tired of like,
I'm tired of waking up at my parents' house and like doing nothing with my life. So it doing nothing with my life negatively affects your life oh yeah i don't know anything about it man yeah
people i mean people obviously talk about it but it's kind of hard to like think about it if you've
never done it you know like the feeling that's the thing like like movies will be like like nah you
do coke and make a lot of money you know you could be like one of those guys and it's like i can't
even i don't understand how you'd be like a finance coke guy like you know what i mean i mean that's
gotta be pretty big in comedy though right like people doing coke i don't think it is really i
think probably back in the 80s it was i think in the 80s everything was coke that's like from like
anytime you talk to someone who's like 55 yeah they're like yeah dude 80s were you get like a
you get like a boost of confidence at all
oh yeah that's what i say i think i when i started i was young i think when you're young
you're like you're not like you don't have a high self-esteem because you haven't done all that much
yet you know you're only alive for like 20 years yeah and like you know half of those you were like
a little kid so yeah you know so you're walking around you
don't have much confidence oh never mind i'm good yeah i would never do it man but it just
seems like there's so many good stories that people tell on it because you're you're a maniac
you're like a fucking mate i drove to uh i drove to uh ocean city maryland with the top down on
my wrangler like through a storm because i was like up from the night before I was like
we're just gonna get to Ocean City Maryland oh man my girlfriend at the time was like you're
getting our luggage wet she was dude I've never seen someone as mad she was in the car she was
in the car oh man and she didn't know I got a new car the night before. So you didn't have a top.
So I got the Wrangler.
I took the top off to show off to everybody at the show.
And then I was too high to get it back on.
And I was like, all right, I'll just pick her up and we'll go to Ocean City, Maryland.
And then she's like, you're not going to put the top back on?
And I was like, nah, it'll be good.
And then we hit the Throg's Neck and it just started torrential downpour and i was just like white knuckling it that's so that'd be so funny
to see on the highway dude just like a fucking moron in the rain your straight face dude she was dude she was so mad like i've never seen someone that mad at me
oh man i remember getting high and i uh when i had a girlfriend in high school i would get so
stoned that i forget like i would forget that she wanted to hang out yeah and one time she showed up
dude to where i was like where i was at yeah it was so fucking funny dude that's fucking
i showed up uh to fish with my friend in this cove and i didn't really know him that well like
you know he was like a cool dude and he just you know we just happened to want to go fishing yeah
he's like yeah man meet me in this cove it's like a really good fishing spot
dude so i show up in uh like waders like you and waiters and you're funny fucking thing oh dude i
was strapped up man i was ready to go i had a backpack and everything dude i had sunglasses
and stuff dude so we get in this cove and we're fishing and he's like hey man you want to like a
few dabs and i was like um i don't want to say no so i was was like, all right, man, you know, yeah, I'll take a few. Dude, after like three dabs, I literally was like losing my fucking mind.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
And eventually I was like, listen, man, do you want to get out of here?
Like, I was like, do you want to go, dude?
And he was like, yeah, man, I get a head out anyway.
So like we're walking out of the cove.
And he's like, all right, man, like we have to cross this bridge.
It's just two logs. He's like all right man like we have to cross this bridge it's just two logs uh
he's like there's water on both sides he's like don't step on the right side he's like step on
the left side and i'm like all right dude so i just stepped directly on the right side and i
submerge in like 10 feet of water i just dunked in water dude like in waiters completely submerged highest tits dude i had
my waders on my backpack with like my phone all my valuables in it oh and my fishing pole in my hand
dude you probably look like a moron
dude so i like popped my head up and i just i was like what the fuck like i was like i'm dreaming
there's no way that's happening dude and he was he was in tears laughing like this was a kid that
didn't really laugh that much this kid was literally like hunched over trying to like
crying laughing let's see you trying to swim in waders yeah and i'm dude i was so fucking high bro
on you know and uh my fishing pole was at the bottom of the fucking pond.
All my stuff was soaked, and I remember walking back to my truck, dude,
and I just saw my girlfriend.
Just started immediately, like, screaming at me.
I was like, why are you going to do that in front of Peter?
Why are you going to do that in front of my boys?
That was all I cared about, man. I was like, dude, you can't do that in front of the boys, man.
Yo, not in front of Pete, all right?
Matter of fact, we're breaking up.
Fuck out of my face.
Yeah, you can't yell at me in front of the boys, man.
It's just us two.
It's fine.
It's funny you say that, like crossing a river.
I have a not funny story.
So the town that I grew up in, there was an abandoned middle school.
And behind the middle school were this small sliver of woods.
And a creek went through it.
And it was called Brookside Woods.
The middle school was Brookside Middle School.
But we'd hang out and drink in the woods.
And there's a creek going through the woods.
And if it rained, the creek filled up to like 10 feet deep yeah and then one day we were hanging out at the school smoking
and it had rained the night before so it was a you know it was a fucking river and so you had
to hop on one log hop on another log and that's how you got across the river and we hung out with
this like really fat kid aaron glazer and he uh i mean he's probably dead now anyway but whatever
and he so he we all hopped and whatever. And so we all hop and whatever.
And we're like, all right, dude, you have to hop on the right one,
the left one, and that's how you get across the river.
And he's like, I don't want to do that.
And we're like, that's the only way you're getting across the river.
You got to do that.
So we finally coerce him to do it.
He hops on one log, hops on the next log.
The log spins over.
And there's a spike in the log.
And it goes right through his
like knee fat and we were all like ninth grade high you know when you see you see something like
ninth grade high you're like what the is that dude yo it was horrifying it went through his
whole life like this part of his you know he's on a fatter knee yeah like and it was and it was like fat on the
stick we were just like ah get a janitor yeah get a janitor get a janitor it was like oh and then
he didn't come to class for like three weeks after that you know what happened to him no i think he
stopped going to high school i think that was like his like that was his end point he was like yeah i'm out he's
like yeah i'm done dude i'm done with this fucking school oh man dude i'm done with this town yeah
you were high too man that's gonna my friend said he saw him in a taxi and he was like hey
aaron glazer i saw him he lost like 150 pounds in a taxi yeah he was in like a separate taxi and
he's like aaron glazer and he just like looked down. Well, that's kind of, I mean, I feel like his fat saved his life, dude.
Yeah, definitely, dude.
Yeah.
It definitely.
That was bone, dude.
Oh.
Yeah.
Or just like, I mean, there's like a femoral artery somewhere here.
Yeah.
I mean, it was like, that's where it was.
Oh.
We had pictures of it, but it was like a razor phone picture.
So like.
Yeah.
It wouldn't even hold up.
That'd be sick if you had it in like a razor phone picture. So like, yeah, it wouldn't even hold up. That'd be sick.
Yeah.
Like 4k.
Yeah.
That,
if I retrieve one picture from the past,
it'd be that one.
Yeah.
Oh,
all right,
man,
you down to do a little bit more time on the,
the page round.
Yeah.
All right.
I'm down.
All right.
Thank you guys for listening.
Yeah,
man.
Do you have,
you have anything coming up or like, just, if you don't mind sharing your Instagram with the folks, dude?
Yeah, yeah.
Trav underscore Grant on Instagram.
And I'm filming these three films right now.
So I'm just like in the middle of those.
All right.
As far as shows go, just follow Trav underscore Grant.
I'll post them.
I'll let you guys know.
Oh, yeah, dude. Thank you for coming, man. Thank you. I had a good time, dude. It's good. I'll post them. I'll let you guys know.
Oh, yeah, dude. Thank you for coming, man.
Dude, thank you.
I had a good time, dude.
It's good to see you, man.
I haven't seen you since the comedy class.
Yeah, no, that's literally it.
I'm happy you reached out.
Yeah, thank you guys for listening.
If you want to join the Patreon, it's a dollar a month just for like a bonus episode.
And then I put out a lot of episodes early.
So, yeah, if you want to do that, go ahead.
And thank you guys.