The Johnny Salami Podcast - Tucker Brookshire

Episode Date: April 18, 2024

Tucker Brookshire by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laugh Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Laugh Music Laugh Music Laugh Oh bro I'm hurting I think we're rolling, man. Well, we're absolutely locked in. It's good to see you, bro. Thanks for coming, man.

It's honestly an honor to be back. It's been a while since you you know dude i'm almost a year yeah on the walk over here it's like it feels like three months ago i can't believe nostalgic and shit dude yeah i kind of was getting like kind of teary-eyed yeah like why am i hard right now yeah absolutely it's really an honor to be back the studio looks amazing you've done nothing but uh improve it since i last yeah dude you gotta make it you gotta try man that's all you can do really you know boy if that ain't the fucking truth dude i saw you at uh it was good to see you at dan's party too man it was only for like 10 minutes but

that was an emotional roller coaster man just talking to you bro you know what i mean kind of all over the place aren't you look good though man no homo like you uh thank you bro originally like i don't know man i just thought i thought you lost that dog in you dude but when i saw you at dan's party i was like dude you still got that dog in you bro no you know what i did bro i quit drinking for four months and my body just looks unbelievable yeah yeah fuck dude that gets me that gets me going yeah bro i gotta be honest i'm so shredded right now dude that sends fucking shivers down my spine dude you know but dude then i then i started drinking again because i couldn't get any pussy

sober i was going crazy dude that sounds about right that's usually how it goes yeah i don't know how these sober guys do it like i'd be like asking chicks out and be like what do you want to go to like dick's sporting goods i have no idea yeah so what do you talk about that's what i've been trying to figure out for years dude you know you can't you can't just say like you know you can't even pretend i can't even pretend to be drunk dude right yeah you know i could just say what's on my mind but that's that's too hard man you know i'm gonna make some shit up dude yeah you kind of need to take it easy with the oil in your mind yeah woman that might stress him out i still got that dog in me though dude you know especially as of recently man i feel like i could fucking shoot up a bed bath and beyond dude with a boner like i

don't give a fuck anymore man you know yeah i've just been i've been feeling that type of way man i don't know what it is why what's going's going on? I think I started a new workout program. I think that's what it is. A lot of kettlebells involved and shit. Okay. P90X. When you're flowing around like that, dude, it just sends you to another dimension. Yeah, bro.

Dude, I've been doing a lot of lower body, trying to build up my lower half. I know what you're saying. It gets your dick rocked up because you got all that blood. Oh, yeah. Because you're just fucking pumping down there oh yeah man you max out on calf raises dude yeah you're fucking hard as a rock yeah yeah because you know no one else is doing that yeah no one's doing calves i do that all the time what to do it's like whoa should we get hard oh yeah yeah sometimes you

can't even control it man you know You know? It's getting hard. I always get hard when I think, like, when I'm doing shit that I know no one else is doing. Yeah. Such a terrible thought, but it's like, I'm better than you guys. You know what I mean? Yeah. Oh. By all means.

No one's doing calves, dude. No one's even going to the gym, really, but calves, dude? I don't do calves, to be honest with you. Really? Yeah. It feels so far away it feels like it would take me years to get get calves yeah a lot of us genetic yeah i mean you got nothing but a solid half lower half i mean yeah are you talking about me right now yeah i mean yeah no no homo yeah you gotta you gotta say no homo dude

it's my bad my bad i'm getting bricked up dude you are you're just thick though dude i'm not trying to be thick though what are you trying to slim up i'm just trying to be like i'm trying to look homeless dude but like be able to take my shirt off you know what i'm saying yeah yeah like people are like well that guy's fucking retarded and then i hit the beach and they're like all right never mind you know they still might think you're retired you know retarded people are absolutely shredded you make absolutely no mistake yeah that's true man i can't disrespect but dude the polo you're absolutely filling out this extra large polo dude you want to hear something crazy bro yeah oh man so i went home to rhode island bro and every time i go i have to hit walmart i spend most of my time at Walmart. You know what I mean?

And I'm looking through the clothes, dude. I see a brand new polo section. And I look at the description, oversized polo. That's what it said on the thing. I was like, they fucking heard about me, dude. Like, this is my shit. Yeah, you're starting a revolution. Because typically, like, I got to buy, like, you know, three sizes sizes up but they just had it ready made yeah dude it was i was so excited why do you go so big on the t oh dude this is a lifestyle man yeah you ever wear something baggy before i know really

i mean this is about as baggy as i can knock it then dude right i could see you in some baggy shit dude honestly something like malibu's most one you never feel like uncomfortable in tight shit dude no i mean i kind of love showing off my little body to people yeah you know i'm kind of a narcissist in that way i lived that life maybe six or seven years ago super uncomfortable man what are those uh what are those shirts uh called you like wear them to the club and stuff they're like cutoffs it's just like tight like uh they like right you can like roll the up the sleeves and stuff dry fit no dude that's uh dry fits for like fucking working out yeah it's like the nfl combine shit yeah yeah if i if i wore that out dude i'm getting

fucking stabbed that's like future salami you're not you're really not ready for it you can't be once you get to the dry fit area you're like in your uh you're wild you're tired yeah yeah there it is i forgot they're just like uh maybe just button ups maybe just like a button up yeah yeah i think it's more of like a hawaiian shirt but like dudes roll them up they roll up the sleeves yeah and you just flex your triceps like all the time for no reason you know what i mean what are you doing with these kettlebells you doing swings or what's the move i'm just flowing dude you know what i mean i'll put on a song and i'll just follow my heart just throw the kettlebell through a fucking window dude

follow your heart don't let me stop you no dude it is funny though because like at my gym there's a window it's like a or a mirror dude it's like a legitimate like 80 foot mirror whoa it's it's the whole wall oh yeah and i'm doing swings in front of this thing dude like if i let go that whole like people are people are gonna die i think you know what i mean because the glass is gonna break and they're gonna get like shards in their neck you imagine how graphic that would be that'd be horrific you're just standing there in an oversized polo yeah some chicks doing those uh things with their pussy what are those uh kegels kegels yeah imagine dying doing kegels some fucking idiot let go of a kettlebell it's happened to somebody that's the craziest thing about life. Some chick somewhere got nailed by a kettlebell in the middle of a Kegel.

What is a Kegel? They say we can do that as well. Strengthen the prostate. I think that's called jelking, dude. Oh, shit. That's what they do over at church, man. What? No, I'm just fucking around.

Oh, wow. I thought you had the school thought i was serious mid-mass they're like all right take out your dicks boys we gotta jelk a little joke boys i mean i wouldn't be surprised if uh some priests back in the day were doing that yeah of course oh they yeah 101 those there's like edging and i always used to get edging and jelking mixed up dude what is the difference i think edging is like when you're about to come and then you stop and it's supposed to like make you last longer i do a lot of that i'm not doing that dude no way once i'm in i'm all in dude i'm not pulling back dude i can be honest i do a lot of that really i like it helps no oh okay i just like i hate

dude i grew up so religious and fucked up that i don't like to come sometimes it freaks me out wow yeah so i like to kind of get there and then just stop and then like go go make like a turkey sandwich you're a different breed bro that's crazy i got that dog and you can just hop back in kind of yeah bro well you know i'm trying to get off porn i got like a bit of a porn problem you said that like eight months ago i think that was the first thing you told me when we met nothing's changed yeah nothing ever changes porn is so hard to kick it's like i'll go three months without looking at it yeah then like a few of them kill themselves and i'm like all right i

gotta see really yeah who's killing themselves dude like six of them just died if i had to do a little deep dive now i'm back in damn dude you like you grieve well i joked i'll tell you that much dude you want to hear something wild yeah hit me i was uh dude i was spanking the other night to this porn star bro dude two days later she followed me no way no joke dude dude who what can you name drop uh i gotta find her name whoa that's legendary dude i think it's real it's got to be real bro you manifested it i think i'm in uh i think we're in a simulation at this point dude because um yeah i can't remember her name damn that's actually crazy yeah man she was in one of those steps this videos yeah we're

like her and her stepbrother on vacation and her stepbrother's just bricked up in like miami and he's like i can't you know i'm so hard right now. Yeah. She's like. I guess I'll help you. Yeah. It's pretty generic, but dude, she was super hot, man. That's really all that matters. I don't care what the story is. Yeah. What kind of chick are you into?

Ooh, Camila Cardozo, dude. Who's that? The center for South Carolina. Dude, I fell in love instantly with that chick, man. I'm not even joking, dude. I don't know who that is. I've never watched it. Oh, really?

You watched the boys, though, right? Yeah, I watched the boys. He's sexist, dude. No disrespect. No disrespect to the women. I mean, the boys' tournament kind of sucked this year, but the girls, man, I'm not going to lie. I obviously didn't watch it in the past, but this year, dude, it was worth it, bro.

Now, what is this chick? Is she like a big giant woman she's six foot seven Brazilian chick red hair dude what yeah that's what you're oh dude I can't I'm not even joking man when I saw her play dude when I saw her ball out I was like I've never been this in love with someone in my life yeah I was dude it was just relieving man to know that that's that's my type yeah that's out there you know like once you figure out like oh this is my type because i was thinking man if we can have children like dude my kids are gonna fucking crush it oh my god oh my god dude like even if my son's like six three like he'll make it at least to like you know maybe like d3 yeah right guard for like chattanooga college or some shit yeah i'll just

move down to like louisiana or something yeah just fucking bully him into being a football player yeah dude i want a son who's like fucking five feet tall that would fucking suck bro dude i went out with this chick that was six foot seven and she put on her hinge profile and i thought it was like a bit and then she like she like met me at the bar and she had like duck under the doorway and was like so tall bro she was like drinking me under she had like nine vodka straight like no vodka vodka straight she had like nine of them wasn't even wasn't even phased i was wasted wow beautiful woman though we were making beautiful though yeah you made out with her i was making out with her like a like a giraffe bro you could did you eat her out standing up i didn't i didn't hook out with her i was making out with her like a like a giraffe bro you could

did you eat her out standing up i didn't i didn't hook up with her i was too nervous to be honest that would have been sick i got her up here oh dude play like a game of twister or something we were smoking a cigarette after she was like handing it down to me she's a beautiful woman though she was stunning loki yeah fuck man that's sick yeah but too big i mean six seven's huge i get yeah i was i was like sometimes i read i don't know why just random shit dude i was reading this book about uh dude it was just like some sort of like a natural selection book yeah and it's like, it was talking about how some dudes actually think that way. Like they'll see a woman and be like,

I want to reproduce with this woman because of like how tall she is. Whoa. And I think that that's kind of like where I'm at. Right. I'm thinking like, we have children, like, you know,

cause that's all really marriage is about dudes like reproduction, you know? Right. I'm not, I'm not trying to go with a chick for like a personality yeah you're trying to get a chick for genetic i'm trying to reproduce you know what i mean do you want to have kids for sure dude yeah really i think dude i think you reach a certain point where it's like you kind of have to yeah that's kind of you can't just be yeah if i'm gonna be a millionaire if you're just like some childless

man just running around. Yeah. Even if I'm like fucking older, dude, like that's fine. You know? Yeah. Same. That's how I, I used to not want kids. Then you see some of these old people without kids and they just like go hang out at like a library, I guess.

I don't know what they fucking do. Yeah. It's like, what do you do, man? If you, yeah. It's sad though. Cause it's like, as a dude, you don't really care how old you are, but as a woman, it's like, you don't want your kid coming out of the womb looking like fucking alien versus predator right yeah well i think that's why a lot of women uh are like you know women have to be so

picky because like they only got so long yeah you know i think that's what women are thinking too they're like would i reproduce with this guy yeah and most of the time it's like, fuck no. Yeah, absolutely not. Because he's an idiot. Yeah, I don't want a retarded child. Yeah. Shout out to women. God bless them. I don't know how they do it.

That was wild, man. I was thinking like what it would be like to even just chill with a porn star nowadays. Like, do you think you could, I feel like we could hang out. You know what I mean? You definitely could, bro. For sure, dude. I'm probably like we could hang out. You know what I mean? You definitely could, bro. For sure, dude. I'm probably what they're looking for, you know?

Just like a very deviant man who just looks confused all the time. Yeah. I would be open to it, man. I feel like back in the day that would be like frowned upon. But nowadays, man, you know, I'll chill, dude. No, every chick's got an OnlyFans. Nobody gives a shit anymore. Yeah.

You ever seen that girl like Sky brie dude yeah bro i have a porn problem yeah of course she's got some she's got some bangers dude dude i gotta be honest i'm not into like her i don't i don't like her to be honest i don't like big tits dude you think they're big big tits dude you think they're big i guess not yeah even that's too big for me bro i don't like a big titty oh yeah you were talking about this i think this is like the second thing nothing i even changed it all yeah what are you gonna do though if you marry a chick bro and she's got like no tits and a nice ass but then when you when you're older like what are you gonna have to look forward to i just'll just probably get a divorce. Really? Well, you know, I mean, but...

Dude. I don't mean that, but I kind of do. That would be legendary. If you said that to a lawyer's face, you're like, bro, it's just not there anymore, man. He's like, say no more. She's got to go. You dap him off, dude. No, I mean mean i'm kidding by that point you know i mean i feel like i'm hoping i'll be done with sex by the time i'm like 45 or so i'm so over it i'm i'm controlled by it's exhausting it's

pretty overrated man you really you think so for sure yeah it is it is kind of. It's a, yeah, I'm a big, like, post-nut syndrome guy. Like. Of course. Once I pop a load, bro, I'm like, all right, well, what the fuck, man? Really, bro? I kind of like, to be honest, dude, I'm such a horny guy. It's like kind of like ruining my life. No, there's nothing wrong with that, man.

That's normal. I think it's pretty normal. Okay, good. We just live in a society, dude, where like no one's horny anymore because everyone eats fucking like cheese doodles all day. That's so true. Everyone's shitting out, like, black stuff. They're like, dude, why can't I get hard?

That's so true. Everybody's like, the birth rates are down. It's like, yeah, Subway has a foot-long cookie. Yeah, people are eating mayonnaise from the jar, dude. Being like, why can't i get any pussy you got miracle whip on your reptar t-shirt yeah it's so true you're right i mean everything's poison in the world oh yeah dude our food system's fucked bro yeah it really is you really want to get sad man just watch like a documentary on our fucking yeah it's crazy bro i can't even look at shit like that because it makes me like i start freaking the fuck out i eat the same shit every day just because i can't it's so hard to process dude

just like a bunch of chickens like taking dumps on each other yeah bro and we're just eating it dude dude i always think about how have we not run out of chickens dude we killed no lie like 30 million chickens a day that's not a lie yeah i'm trying to think like how we even have chicken anymore dude bro i'm saying it's gotta be like just like fucking dog shit dude dude that's what i'm saying they're probably taking like the chicken feces and just making chicken at this point think about all the people in america just america alone how much chicken they're eating on a daily basis that means one chicken has to die for every time how are there that many chicken in the world well i feel like no one's eating chicken anymore dude really so that might be damn i eat a lot of chicken for real like purdue and

shit no i can't do that purdue shit can't. Yeah, there was a documentary, dude, and they went to like a Purdue chicken farm. And they asked like the manager, they were like, is it cool if we run some like salmonella tests just randomly? And he was like, yeah, sure. Like, I doubt, you know, there will be salmonella. And they did like a random test and like it tested positive for something and they like dropped it on the table they're like can you explain this and he was like listen man you win some you lose some because look at all these chickens we're gonna have salmonella what do you want from me there's like no regulations or anything like no one goes to like test it or anything like that it's just like a bunch of chickens in a coop just finger

banging each other dude dude we gotta get out of this country bro i mean this i mean europe dude is just fucking i've never been but i heard it's like it's just better yeah it's just clearly better i feel like we're you know our generation's like the america will probably get good again in like 30 years but by then we're fucked yeah for sure yeah we're all gonna have like fucking worms coming out of our eyes and shit dude like still doing stand doing stand-up. Like maybe I'll get my shot soon. Oh, yeah. Fuck that. Let's get the fuck.

I'm scared I'm going to end up like brainwashed, dude. You know what I mean? From like eating food that's like shitty. Yeah. Because you don't even know what's in it, man. What do you mean brainwashed? Like just like fucking. Like, dude, because if I eat like McDonald's or some shit, like I don't want to do anything.

Right. Yeah. I literally just want to lay down and just give up on my dreams that is brainwashing yeah but if i eat like a straight up steak and veggies dude you feel ready to take on the world man dude i'm not gonna lie i eat pretty incredibly clean i have a big but i have like a cheesecake i eat like fucking cake at night really but otherwise i eat extremely clean just like treat yourself yeah i have like a big snack big treat at night but otherwise i'm fucking locked in yeah bro you can't be one of those guys you're just eating like straight up livestock all the time like you got to treat yourself yeah bro

you gotta have like a cookie every now and then there's just different ways to treat yourself you know what i mean some people are just going off the rails though dude i'm like you're eating that bro that's fucking crazy man you ever see these like instagram videos where it'd be like a restaurant and they put like a milkshake then a cookie in the milkshake then a slice of cake on top and they cover it i'm like bro get it together this is disgusting oh yeah some of my boys will be like we'll be on xbox and they'll be like yeah man i just ate like five bags of like family-sized doritos sounds like i'm not even yeah they're like i'm not even full i'm like yeah dude because that's all fucking process shit like anyone can do that yeah like it's not gonna fill you up dude it's literally it's harder to be

it's easier to be obese than it is to be healthy in this country and that's like you know something is terribly wrong i'm just happy i was fat when i was younger so like i knew what it was like oh right to not be able to breathe and shit yeah You know what I mean? Like, being fat sucks, dude. Like, it's funny as fuck, but it just sucks, man. I told you I love fat people. I have a very soft spot for fat people. I feel like it's one of the most disrespected groups. Oh, my God, dude.

So many great personalities, man. Yeah, bro. Yeah. And people look at fat people and they go, no, you're fat. I'm not going to give you the time of day. It's like, bro, what? What do you do that with anyone else? What the fuck? Well the fuck well fat people who like know they're fat are the best dude yeah you know they know they're a fat piece of shit yeah it's like you don't have to tell them

yeah it's like those are the those are the boys those are the homies yeah you know the worst is like a fat person who is mean and like pretends like they're not like dude oh yeah like a lizzo ass yeah they like make excuses as to why they're fat yeah it's like you ate fucking three whole pizzas like that's why you're fat that's what lizzo just came out was like everyone's mean to me and says i'm ugly it's like bitch you kind of are yeah it's crazy it's crazy dude to have like three chins like tits on your back and be like it's not my fault like it's like you would just did you weren't born that way so literally just straight up cause and effect it's like you ate a shit ton of food yeah you know but i do fuck with fat people man i feel like um i don't know i've seen fat people get bullied growing up

and shit it's just like it's always the easy thing to make fun of. And it's like, bro, these are human beings as well. What do you make fun of fucking people for other shit? It's crazy to me. Yeah. There was a point, dude, where I literally couldn't see my dick when I was younger. No way. I would be in the shower, dude.

And I used to legit suck on my tits in the shower. Like I would legit have a makeout session with my tits and then i would look down and just be like dude i can't even see my dick you're just so confused like was that why was that me what's going on like was this consensual that's actually nice when you're fat you got a titty to suck on. That actually fucking rocks. Dude, it is honestly, man, one of the best feelings in the world. Because the whole time I was imagining me sucking on like another girl's tits.

But it was like, it's like a dude, if you had a pussy, bro. Yeah, bro. Like you would just be nonstop finger banging yourself. Yeah. And all it takes is like 500 bags of doritos you get a free titty to suck on oh 100 dude yeah that's fine if you were a dude with a dick and a legit pussy dude like if you were in a business meeting you'd be like i'll be right back guys just take your shirt off come back into the zoom

dude i'd be flicking i'd be flicking my bean during the meeting yeah just for like yeah dude i'm like a lot i i shouldn't i actually shouldn't say this but i did i've definitely like i've definitely turned my camera off and like beat off in a zoom meeting before for no really yeah in front of the camera no no like i don't i just just asserting my dominance over my sales team. So what it takes boys. That's what I'm talking about though. I'm so horny, bro.

It's like, I can't, sometimes I'm like, I can't get shit done. So you would be like in the meeting, I thought you were saying like, you would just turn the camera off and then start spanking because of like the edge of it all no no intensity of knowing that like like i go in camera off and i'm so bored in the meeting that i crank my like

you're still you're still listening in the meeting but your camera's off just when i'm on my phone yeah yeah yeah that'll be sick shit is depressing i got a problem i gotta fucking figure something out yeah man i mean like honestly dude everyone says they have a problem and i feel like it's just like like you're spanking to one thing you start off basic and a lot of dudes will be like no i need this now to get me going and i just never reached that point like i can still i can still spank to like passion hd and get yeah me oh yeah yeah same i'm not drinking on the weird shit it's just like i don't need someone to get crucified outside of like a denny's dude like i can just

i can just jerk off to like passionate porn and be fine i actually love passion hd shout out to them that's one of the best genres out there yeah there should be more porn like that where it's just like very clean and simple the acting is great too it's like a guy coming home from work you just get a tough day on the job yeah she's like well i made fucking meatloaf and that's what sex is actually like you know it's not like this shit in the other in the point where they're like going crazy it's like very slow yeah nice gentle yeah it's like real you feel it dude yeah you gotta watch it from the beginning though dude to like really yeah to get the whole the whole vibe yeah that's why i like

amateur shit you know i just like it to be like some dude in his room with a camera and it's like you know he's using like a gopro yeah a pov yeah yeah the scary thing man for me is like i'll see videos of like people who look like girls i used to be in love with oh yeah i'm just like yeah we're gonna bookmark this yeah yeah i always get nervous when i say like christ now i have to yeah but we're gonna i'm gonna overcome this shit no more porn and uh i'm coming off of it soon i've never watched the videos on like nofap you know because they're out there and it explains like the negative effects but oh i've definitely watched it i think that's why i'm so much what do they go over they're just like yeah like you're not gonna get pussy in the real world well no what it is bro is it's like anything else you know like

if you eat a bunch of of terrible food you get dopamine paths in your brain that like really enjoy having terrible food and it's like when you watch a bunch of porn you get these dopamine paths in your brain and then when you go to have sex with like a real person like that it doesn't fire correctly because your fucking brain isn't used to it. Yeah, that makes sense. I feel like a lot of that shit has to do with just dopamine, dude. Yeah, I mean, we're overstimulated everywhere. Bad food, bad shit on the internet's killing everyone.

We live in a fucking terrible place. Yeah. God damn. I fall victim to that, too, man. I'm going to get in anxiety just being approached by people. I'm like, nope, nope, nope. What do you mean? Get the fuck away from me, dude.

What do you mean? Just people I don't know on the street or something. I'm like, dude, get the fuck away from me, man. Really? Yeah, I just get paranoid, dude. I don't know what it is. I feel like you're so affable. I don't know, man.

I just feel like it's hard to trust people, you know? So I'll meet someone and be like, oh, this guy's going to fuck me over. Without even giving him a chance. I like oh this is like you know even with girls i'm like this chick fucking you know really that's interesting i don't have that i have the exact i trust everyone really yeah but i feel like that's probably safer to kind of go into life with a little yeah apprehension yeah it's not healthy though man you know where do you think that comes from probably just being fucked over like a hundred thousand times like dude i've literally uh who fucked you over i think it's just like the reality of it all man right you know dude i remember doing a show once when i was in uh dude i was like a sophomore in

college and my friend was on like a division one football team and his dad was the coach. And he was like, listen, man, I need you to do like 45 to an hour. And I was like, dude, I have five minutes of shitty jokes. And I just accepted the gig just to like, see what happened. And I remember going to the gig, dude. And the woman who like ran it was talking to my friend and we were like, like, ran it was talking to my friend. And we were, like, it was just me, her, and my friend. And my friend, like, had to talk for me. Like, I was there. Really?

We were in, like, a triangle. And he was talking for me like I was, like, disabled. Like, he was like, yeah, John does this. John does that. And she would, like, whisper to my friend and be like, is he okay? That's when it hit me i was like oh like are you autistic you probably have a little autism definitely not autistic you don't maybe a little bit of downs you know what i'm saying yeah yeah what's the difference i don't

really know well i think autism's like a spectrum i think something's wrong with my chromosomes you've done the research like dude i visited my mom like two weeks ago for a whole week and i'm heading back to new york city and i'm like on the highway and i start getting choked up a little bit like i'm listening to like landslide dude and i'm getting like really emotional dude 15, 15 minutes later, I was making orgasm sounds to We Fly High by Jim Jones. Yeah, that's a chromosome issue. Yeah, there's something. Something is afloat.

Great song though. Oh, dude, the remix. I'm making like bird sounds. But'm making, like, bird sounds. But you're also, like, a sentimental guy. I feel like you're thinking about your mother, you know? I feel like there's, like, a deep emotional core to you. Yeah, I'm an emotional guy, man. I just cry in the dark, dude.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I do know what you're saying. I'm not crying in public. There's no fucking way, dude. No, me too. No, I'm not a pussy like that, dude. Yeah, I cry a lot. You cry in the dark, dude, like a real man.

I'm actually just now coming out of like a very deep dark depression and i was doing a lot of really like i was having a lot of hard nights really what were you doing dude in the dark bro i just didn't have any money you know and it was just like it's one of those things in new york when you don't have money you can't do anything you can't go out on a date you can't eat out you have to be like very and i was just like having like real feelings of like oh i'm like one of the biggest losers of all time i can't even like afford a sandwich yeah and then like i was getting like then that spirals into like self-love and like i've never been good at anything etc etc etc and you were doing like nothing to bounce back at that point no i was trying like i was working my ass off but i just i'm just it's

so fucking hard out here bro yeah to like survive dude literally man and like i'm finally back on my feet again but like you know that shit when you get in those patches i just get fucking called up and like negative thinking patterns and shit it's really dark dude isn't it so sick though the comeback though yeah i feel like the peaks and valleys man yeah bro it's like addicting it's like heroin it really is you know and you kind of know when it's coming too you're like oh it's gonna be dark for a while yeah bro i swear to god three months ago i was like here we go yeah run it but i'm back it's and it's right it's knowing that you're going into it is a lot better than just kind of being shell-shocked by it like in my teens now i'm just like prepared

you know? Yeah. I'm like borderline religious now, dude. Like I'm not really religious, but when you think about like the serenity prayer, bro, like it kind of makes sense. What is that? Just like being able to like accept things for what they are

and like worry about what you can control. Right, yeah. You know, like I think there's just some things like we just can't control and you just have to accept it. Yeah. You know? Mindfulness is what I call that things like we just can't control and you just have to accept it. Yeah. You know. Mindfulness is what I call that. But yeah, serenity as well.

Yeah. Yeah. The key is to just kind of be present in the moment and go, hey, I'm here. And that's, that's, isn't that something? Yeah. You know. Say, hey, fucking man, like whatever. Yeah.

You know. That really is the only way to survive this cold, dead fucking world we live in. That'd make a joke or two. Yeah. But also at the same time i'm like i feel like these dark uh moments are good for you at the end of the day you ever like go back to you don't go to back home a lot do you not really i don't have money to i can barely afford a fucking if you did you think that would help you mentally um i get kind of sad going back home oh for real

yeah yeah i don't get sad i love my family and my family is a wonderful group of people, but I feel like a failure. I feel like I've let them down. I have all these emotions of like, my family's very poor, and I go back and everyone's struggling, and I just feel very, I feel this burden that I'm doing nothing to lift. Oh, really? Yeah.

It doesn't give you like, it doesn't like remind you like who you are though, like when you get kind of in a rut because i like to go back home just to remind myself like where i came from and shit yeah i certainly feel that i certainly do feel like proud of who i am and proud of where i come from but i definitely have feelings of like um man my family's struggling so much and i'm in like brooklyn telling a joke about my cock for the ninth year in a row it's like god damn maybe

do something here brother I feel the same way dude yeah my mom's like 70 now dude and I just like go back home and just like eat apple fritters and play xbox she's like working like six to six and I'm like fuck my mom's a nurse I'm like complaining there's only cheese sticks in the fridge yeah I just stopped complaining like I used to My mom's a nurse. I'm like complaining there's only cheese sticks in the fridge. I just stopped complaining. Like, I used to complain when I was younger. I'd be like, where the fuck are the apple fritters? And now I'm like, dude, those things cost like $12, bro.

It's expensive, man. Yeah, when I was a kid and there'd be no food in the house, I'd be like, what are we doing? This is embarrassing. How do we not? And now I'm older. I'm like, bro, I literally can't i literally can't afford food yeah i'm like dude buy your own fucking food yeah it's crazy i my parents always be like i'm so proud of you and i'm like name like one thing name one thing i've done yeah when you think about it it's hard to explain to like comedy and stuff

you know you're just like yeah i just you know i just drove four hours to talk about tits yeah it's crazy it's fucking insane i don't even talk about it because i'm like i can't even i can't even explain it yeah i don't mention it either i literally just say like i feel like you kind of have to be there to see what's going down yeah and i think for my family it's like well he's doing something he likes clearly yeah and whatever you know they have no clue what i'm doing though yeah it's wild man do you like it still how does comedy going are you still like uh it's really the only thing i care about still yeah i mean dude the whole like uh public perception is it's kind of fucking me up you know what do you mean people see me around

here and they're like oh that guy's got a podcast but like i only me up, you know? What do you mean? People see me around here and they're like, oh, that guy's got a podcast. But, like, I only care about comedy, you know? Like, stand-up's the only thing I really care about, so. Amen. You know, I mean, you and I, man, we're just talking about, like, titties and vajayjays. You know, it's not like we're telling, we're not doing stand-up, dude. Yeah. Stand-up's fucking hard, man.

You know, you got to write, bomb, grind, cry. Yeah. Just keep going, you know? And write bomb grind cry yeah just keep going you know and it's like an art form podcasting is just like shooting the shit but every time someone sees me they're like oh that dude's got a podcast bro you know like right nobody ever asks about like comedy and stuff but but i will say bro i mean thousands and puns hundreds of thousands of people have podcasts and you're way better than almost all of them so you are you do have a gift for it whatever shooting this shit is you know yeah for

me dude and i feel like for you and i both man it's all about just being like genuine yeah you know being authentic yeah i feel like you're like doing a disservice to someone if you're just like you know planning some sort of like uh you know, fucking speech for a podcast. No, it's true. What the fuck are you doing, man? Yeah. Why are you dancing like that? Yeah.

Someone's like, what's the theme of this? It's like, dude, retardation? Like, I don't know. What the fuck do you think this is, dude? Missing two chromosomes. What do you think that is? You turn on the mics, dude, and you see what happens. It's all it is, bro.

Yeah, I struggle with perception as well. I think, and this is something that was really killing me in my dark era these past couple months of being like, like you're saying, I want to be this thing. I have these dreams of people respecting me as this thing. And all anyone thinks of me is like, oh, that's the guy with the show about getting pussy. You know, it's like, it's a,

everything I've worked so hard for no one cares about and then the thing that i kind of do a one-off is all people know me for it's yeah really heartbreaking it's really heartbreaking yeah but it is a sad episode but dude like have you ever met someone like uh from back home or something like they'll be like oh like how's how's the plumbing going you're like what the fuck dude like i'm not a fucking plumber yeah oh yeah they just have no clue like you know yeah but then it's like oh like they probably shouldn't know you know like why should they know what i'm doing like i don't know they're fucking they're probably plumbing bro yeah so dude i will say that i was talking to my buddy the other day and he's like a big finance

like investment banker guy tons of money and he was like dude you don't even realize but you're the most interesting person i know which isn't true yeah but that's nice that um to other people like what we do is interesting for sure yeah which is retarded yeah you just gotta stay away from the bitterness though dude yeah you know yeah that's that's really you don't want to be that bitter or like comic or whatever you know no it's just so fun man to just talk about tits with the boys dude it's my favorite it's like the famous i could do it for literally i could do it for the rest of my life and just be like you lived a good life man like never gets old you know you know we're also both very lucky to kind of have shameless vulnerability which i think a lot of people find fascinating the fact that you're willing to get on here an hour a week and talk

about yeah dude you nailed it right on the head man i was thinking about that when i was on stage the night i'm like dude i'm like really vulnerable i'm telling these people all of my problems yeah that i would like never tell anyone yeah to like a crowd A lot of comics aren't like that, though, dude. They're afraid. They're doing something fake. They're doing like a, here's what I think you want me to say. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. I think a lot of it has to do with like an upbringing, though, dude. Like, I don't think I have any friends that aren't like, you know, didn't have like a shitty upbringing. You know what I mean? Right. Not like shitty, but like a hard upbringing. You know what I mean? Right. Like people like, dude, you ever meet like an influencer that just had like the perfect life like their parents are like paying for them in new york city oh yeah

fuck you dude yeah fuck this and then they complain they're like oh my god i gotta yeah go to this meet this general they always say that they say shit like that going to general meeting i'm like would you shut the fuck up? Go to Gaza. Sometimes I think, though, does that make me a bad person for not wanting to talk to that person? No, you are who you are, bro. You're going to find your space. It's just impossible to talk to them, dude. You know what I mean?

Are you running into a lot of influencers? Sometimes, yeah. You're right. I guess I do, too. Maybe I'm just seeing them online, you know? But you do kind of, like, hear about the majority of people that are succeeding as influencers. Like, their parents are paying for that. They don't have day jobs.

They're just living, fucking, making toast all day and then making stupid fucking videos of them. Yeah, just go, I'm doing this. It's crazy, bro. Like, making a living doing that bro but i'm telling you that there's that's a there's a darkness at the end of that tunnel yeah there's no longevity in being an influencer that's a that's a life nobody wants yeah there's a short short road dude do you ever i get like brands like sending me like pants and shit do you ever get shit like that they're sending you pants they think i'm an influencer so they'll send me like pants in the mail like i got shampoo yesterday no dude just fucking they send you a gift like

care packages i think i'm an influencer then i get on here and i'm like i love porn and pussy because because you're uh like you're what you're serious i think they just see the like followers and they see i talk about t-shirts and they go, send them some pants. Because they want you to be a sponsor. Yeah, yeah. I never would. I mean, that's so lame. Having a while ago, this company reached out.

Dude, it was so funny. It was like a golf tee company. But they make... Perfect. No, dude, they make golf... I'm not going to call out the company, but this is a funny story, dude. So they reach out to me. The podcast is doing terrible.

Even now, like I have nowhere close to enough following to have a sponsor. I mean, like, dude, I think you need like 50,000 downloads to get a sponsor. Right. But this company is like a startup. And they were like, listen, man, like we sell golf tees, but they're like beer tees. So they're like in the shape of a beer bottle and uh dude so they sent me a care package of like 50 tees they sent me so many dude i was like damn these guys really want me to sponsor them and uh dude so i go back home and i go out golfing and i bring a pack of the tees and i give them to

one of my buddies and i'm like yo go test it out dude so and I bring a pack of the tees and I give them to one of my buddies. And I'm like, yo, go test it out, dude. So you're like, he tees up the ball and takes a hack at it. Dude, the ball just goes straight up in the air. Because the tees are so high. Oh, wait, I thought you meant tees like t-shirts. Oh, no, no, no. Like actual golf tees. Dude, the tees are so high.

So like, and you couldn't lower them. So he went to swing, dude. And the ball just goes. Just a fucking moonshot, dude. That's like the company's like, what did you think? Yeah. I was like, yeah, I'm good, man. I'm not going to.

Dude, you should corner the like the Izod Polo Market, bro. That could be you, bro. Yeah, man. Maybe uh maybe one day yeah i don't like thinking about that stuff like the whole business shit so i don't know i didn't mean to no i don't either it's just it's a sick and twisted fucking game you know yeah it's kind of just like dude it's like if you want to listen man like listen you know if not then i'm never gonna be one of those guys it's like yo you gotta listen to this yeah fuck yeah that's wild man it's just embarrassing to um it's just so embarrassing to be like hey i have something that i want to show to the world

you know yeah like anybody interested it's like what yeah everybody's got their own interest man like they'll come dude if you build it they'll come they're pissed If you build it, they'll come. They will. Turn a piss, dude, and then we can usually take some phone calls. Oh, yeah, let's take some calls. Fuck me. Jenna, hold it up. Hey, man. My question is, how do you deal with life when it's, like, really shitty? Can't get a job grandma's dying

fucking your girlfriend's fixing to leave a bunch of bad shit you know what i'm saying uh and just like everything's just sad all the fucking time what's your advice on how to deal with that man what's the first thing you would do to try and make yourself feel better and get out of that funk? Damn, dude, that's my boy right there. Whoa, that's an excellent question, bro. I feel like we were just talking about this, too. Yeah, I feel like we just...

This guy's reading minds, bro. Well, I love that he called in us. Yeah, guys, we could chill, man. Yeah, bro, I'll tell you, dude, I feel like I just got out of what you're going through bro you just gotta uh way you just have to persevere you know there's like two options you can fucking blow your head off or you can persevere yeah you know and blowing your head off is an option too yeah you absolutely could do 100 not even a bad option honestly it's quick and easy yeah

but i mean honestly bro like i totally understand where you're coming from sometimes it feels like life is so overwhelming and there's nothing you can fucking do to stop it from swallowing you whole but um one day it won't be yeah that's all you can do man is just keep keep going forward yeah you know i would say maybe get like a get like a find like a thing to do every day like work out at least once a day get like some, find like a thing to do every day, like work out at least once a day, get like some sort of, um, some sort of thing to do to be like, okay, well at least I have this today. Yeah, man. If you don't have something to look forward to, like you're kind of fucked.

Yeah. That's when things, I realized I'm the most sad when I'm not doing standup. Yeah. I actually go like kind of insane. Yeah. You know, cause you have nothing to look forward to. And then you start questioning everything. You're like, what am I fucking even doing if I'm not doing that oh yeah dude if you're doing nothing too

like if you're in a dark room bro yeah just the thoughts you have oh yeah and bro if your grandma dies everyone's grandma dies and if your girlfriend leaves you you're not the first guy to get broke it's like every problem you're experiencing it's not the fucking first time any man's gone through it and you you won't be the last guy to overcome it yeah yeah i didn't even meet my grandma dude but you know yeah dude you get a tattoo on your back with like fucking eagle wings you know put her name on there dude just start doing push-ups man yes bro yeah maybe commit a few fucking felonies too dude sometimes you just gotta let that dog out dude yeah stop holding it in and go rob a bank for the love of god really dude honestly man you gotta let the dogs out like

this guy's like my life's going terribly we're gonna go to prison well no dude you can't like you can't let it all like bundle up man you got to take it out healthy you know yeah yeah sometimes i'll just start fucking shadowboxing my own ass in the middle of the night, dude. Just pitch black. I don't even know when I'm throwing punches, dude. Here's what this guy needs to do. He needs to get really fat

and then start sucking on his own tits in the shower. Your life will only get better from there. Honestly, man, one of the dumbest things you can do when you're in a rut is take advice from anyone if you want me to be honest like if you're if you're looking to get advice bro don't yeah anyone who's giving you advice is just giving themselves advice and it doesn't really apply to you oh yeah yeah they just want to they just want to fucking manipulate you dude they want what's best for them man unless you read like uh unless you like follow some dude who's been through some like hard shit yeah yeah yeah read

some Goggins dude that'll change your life but even him it's like the dude's like a fucking millionaire now it's like you don't know what these people are going through anymore sorry that was the only time in my life where I actually read a book dude and i was like wow man like that actually yeah that shit slaps can't stop me that shit is fire dude his second one was all right but the first one dude yeah i was just laying in my bed just fucking jerking off and then i started reading that and i was like dude i'm gonna fucking knock someone out yeah i felt the same way yeah that shit really does work. But I shout out to this guy, man.

I really, I want you to know, bro, you're not alone. And life fucking sucks a big, fat fucking hog sometimes, dude. And it just, it's inevitable. And you got some golden sun in front of you. Some fucking golden knots, dude. Yeah, yeah, fucking sack up, bro. You'll be all right. Find something you love love get some pussy etc etc yeah find something you love dude just do that yeah that's it man that's really the key bro that is kind of like shitty advice

though because like if he's into fucking blowing up oil rigs whatever bro it'd be a good time till it's till he's done you just waiting for someone to give him the go let me call salami up see what see if he wants me to blow up an oil rig that's why those books are so funny dude like the obstacle is the way and shit yeah it's like what if the obstacle is rape yeah that's why you don't take advice from anyone he's like my grandma's dying i mean i'm gonna kill her but she is dying no life is hard man i fucking get it bro and um also dude a lot of times i find that sorrow comes from like not having what you imagined you would have. And it's like, bro, be happy.

Be grateful with what you currently have instead of, like, you're like, I want a better job at one of these things. Like, dude, be grateful you're alive, bro. Be grateful that you're not living in Gaza. Be grateful that you have a phone. Dude, you ever go on Amazon and just, like, look at stuff that, like, you don't need? Yeah. That's something I get. That's that's like my porn addiction dude you're just looking at eyes on polo looking at like fucking antique spoons and shit just like posters of like fucking the ninja turtles dude i'm like yo i could

use this i do do that when you get on amazon you're like the first thing they show you're like oh my god i have to have yeah they like know exactly what you want do they like read in your mind yeah especially if you got a podcast they send you all this shit you're like i could definitely use a 500 light you know etc it sucks man i've been like i've literally bought shit and i've had to like return it because i'm like i don't need this oh me too especially from amazon it's just like cheap chinese shit yeah just like breaks in like two days bro late stage capitalism with an with an amazon algorithm is like yeah we are living in the peak of being taken advantage of oh yeah it's like it's like anal dude you're just like i don't really need

this but i'm still gonna do it you ever fucked a girl in the ass yeah i tried once really yeah it was my girlfriend of like a long time i guess i did try once i couldn't get it in yeah i got it in a little bit and then she started crying it was really awkward dude it also smelled like you just take it out you're like never mind i'm like well it smells like shit so she's crying you're like never mind. I'm like well smells like shit She's crying you're like it stinks down figure some out I Just imagine you doing that with a big polo on to I kept my shirt on like yo it smells like fucking shit Yeah anal is so crazy bro Bro I can't believe people do that

That shit weirds me the fuck out That's crazy that's so psychotic dude To just like think that that's like normal Dude and to want to do it Like to try and like pressure Guys who are like I gotta fuck this chick in the eyes I'm like bro what the fuck is wrong with you You're weird that's crazy bro that's like some dommer type shit yeah to be a dude and be like yo i need anal bro what the fuck there's probably some

dudes out there that are like yo anal is my first base like i don't even do regular and of course i just do anal dude those guys absolutely exist and that is psychotic that'd be funny if you said that at like a bed bath and beyond interview like so tell me about your goals your noodles and company you're like well first i'd like to fuck the manager in her house yeah that's always been a while dude i think i've said this before man but brendan sagalow dude sag daddy sag daddy he showed me a chatterbait bro oh yeah so i google it in the first cam i'm watching it's like this girl with like a pink thing in her ass and her boyfriend's like her boyfriend's like all right let's get it and he pulls it out dude and just shit starts flying everywhere like the pink thing is covered

and she like runs to the bathroom that was my the first video i watched i was like dude i'm never going on the site again bro bro i was like scarred i was like dude that's crazy bro dude see we kind of i mean i mean that's just we got to get off this shit. We got to get off of pornography. Yeah, people around here, too, dude, man. Like, don't even do missionary. You mean, like, you mean Brooklyn? You're right. Everyone out here is, like, putting a saltine in their ass or something.

Oh, yeah, dude. People are, like, engaging in engaging in like crucifixions bro i'm like why can't we just be intimate you know what i mean yeah you go out with a chicken bush wig she's like put this plunger in my fucking in my pussy you're like what i was looking for a girlfriend yeah she's like shoot up my walls with an rpk shoot everything but me and then i'll i'll get started and then you don't do it and they're like he couldn't even make me come yeah it's like sorry i didn't bring my my light machine gun oh yeah dude you need to bring like a fucking weed whacker that's like 600 horsepower dude dude i'll straight up i've given up on trying to make chicks come with my dick i just go do you

have a vibrator really yeah i just go can we just can we get that out here so we can just get on with this i'm not gonna do the job dude that doesn't break your heart though man no i don't give a fuck i don't give two fucks dude that doesn't bother me at all it's vibrators are nice because you're like okay sadly that would bother me i would bother me really that bothers you Yeah I just feel like I don't matter man I've been lucky dude I've been with chicks who just like don't even really masturbate Really? You know why? Because you have like big catholic energy

What the fuck dude? I used to draw dicks in class No I could just see you growing up in like a catholic church I don't mean right now Oh okay But I mean like I can see that being a part of your past okay i think it was in everyone's past bro not me i was baptist i was southern baptist what does that mean precisely it's like i grew up in the south everyone in the south is baptist oh really yeah i think it was presbyterian dude oh really i don't know what that means but damn never mind yeah that means you don't know what that means, but. Damn, never mind. Yeah. That means you don't like chicks using a vibrator during sex.

Well, yeah, I don't know, man. Why does that bother me, dude? I just feel like I want to, like, as a man, like, you kind of want to, like, make it happen, you know? You want the boys to call you magic fingers, dude. Dude, you know what I'm saying? Well, certainly, but I think I just gave up on all that. Yeah. If you come, great.

I mean, there's nothing better, though, dude, than like hanging out with the boys and just scream and smell my fingers, dude. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. There's nothing better than hooking up with a chick, waking up the next day

and having a little pussy juice in your mustache. Like, nice. Just smells like you just went, like, you just unloaded a fucking, you know, you're at a fishing dock, dude. You just got off your shift just taking the l home like another day on the dock dude one time i did a show and uh you've been to narragansett rhode island no by the beaches oh is that where the beer's from narragansett uh maybe but yeah man over by the water dude it oh man it reeks bro we did a pussy or the fish

i mean dude i did a show bro and i i pull up in my mom's hound to accord and i go in the green room and there's like a bunch of comics chilling with their girls and i go yo it smells like fucking pussy dude Pussy, dude. They're like, and this is Johnny? Yeah. This is Johnny Salami? I was like 21 at the time, and they were like, one of the comics is like, dude, what type of pussy are you getting? It smelled so bad, dude.

Like, my fucking eyebrows were like peeling off, dude. They were just like, this kid's getting straight up like you know gremlin pussy dude they're like their girlfriends were with them too like this kid's a fucking psycho but see bro authenticity you're just too real for him you come i thought that would like set the tone so there's an alpha in the room what's up boys i thought people were gonna start dapping me up dude well if their chicks weren't there they definitely would have been like damn bro let's fucking go but they gotta put on that facade you know hey take it easy buster yeah they start calling me

jay dog they're like dude if you need someone to do your taxes man get up jay dog yeah dude get this bro this is so sick so i wasn't gonna do my taxes because i just figured i owed like thousands of dollars and right now i have like 68 67 65 something like that dollars on my account yep yesterday final day of tax season i was like whatever bro i'll just do this real quick i'm going to dinner i was like i'll just do this as fast as i can just fucking went through turbo tax sent that shit i'm getting four thousand dollars back wow is that like a new york thing i guess so yeah because i was on unemployment so i think i got a bunch of that shit back but i thought i was when you were on you were on unemployment

yeah and i did i thought i didn't take the taxes out but i thought i was when you were on you were on unemployment yeah and i did i thought i didn't take the taxes out but they did so they gave it back to me wow yeah that's wild i was i almost cried bro i had like 65 dollars to my name like no savings no nothing yeah and then out of nowhere bro wow you're you're cheating the system yeah bro oh yeah oh yeah yeah because i'm not getting back dude i'm like a normal in the system yeah bro oh yeah oh yeah yeah because i'm not getting shit back dude i'm like a normal you know you got like a normal job you got a lot like a just a w-2 job right right you know because you were like freelancing and shit for a while i still am yeah freely you don't have to pay tax on that do you that's why i thought i was gonna have to pay back and then they said i was fine

and then they just approved my w-2 or my tax return today fuck man i'm so close to just like you know getting fired and just like just like going to like migrant services. Get one of those nice hotels. I might just walk into the fucking state house. Be like, yo, give me fucking five grand right now. Go, I'm from Guatemala. Yeah. I need it.

Just tell them I'm like a fucking retarded lesbian. They're like, what does that have to do with being a migrant i feel like they would understand they'd be like retarded lesbian they would probably just like move me into like a gentrified neighborhood they'd be like we have a place for you we got another one send them to ridgewood that's like her to ridgewood sorry that's like finding like an ancient view and pokemon yeah you're if you're a retarded lesbian i mean that's what new york is for yeah being a retarded lesbian it's crazy bro alright let's take another shout out to that guy man I hope things work out for you you'll be alright bro

he's one of the boys for sure dude I can tell he's friendly hey Johnny I'm just eating breakfast thanks for replying to my DMs, bro. You're the GOAT. I made my day. Sorry for sending a picture of the Minion and Shrek kissing. But my question is, what do you do when you have a roommate who plays music on his phone out loud in the morning at like 7 or 8 a.m. when you're trying to just eat some brekkie and get ready for the day.

Should I just like tackle him like RKO? Just what do I do? Okay, bye. Yeah. Dude, that guy rocks, I can tell. You're the goat, bro. answering dms dude just talking to random dudes i already know i know i love that's exactly what i imagine just random dudes be like it's good bro like bro you play Xbox, dude? Dude, what was the question?

I was laughing so hard. I think he was saying, what do you do when your... Oh, your roommate. ...roommate's playing music out loud? You gotta swing on his ass, bro. Yeah. Dude, you gotta fucking at least threaten to throw a right hook. Yeah. Come out in the morning with your cock out yeah and just stare at

him don't say anything and then go back in your room you gotta be fully erect though yeah not no soft shit dude don't say a word bro come out dick hard look him dead in his eyes, and then just go right back in your room. See if he keeps playing. Dude, just memorize one Bible verse. Just scream it. That's the ultimate threat, dude. He'll know what's going on. fully new to the hard dick scream a bible verse out loud into the ether he'll get the point yeah this is a competition you gotta you gotta match his intensity dude yeah yeah because to him you're

just like a little fucking pussy dude like he's like oh he's seeing you make your little fucking bread and shit he's like yeah he won't mind yeah yeah he's trying to dominate you bro yeah you gotta show him who the alpha male is dude yeah bro yeah if you can get a hard dick in front of your boy like no one's gonna fuck with you dude yeah that's uh that's from art of war dude is that is he says marcus aurelius sun tzu since he was like get you crank your meat before you go into battle it's so true no bro i mean that would be so annoying there's nothing worse than a roommate confrontation but you you got to come out naked dude it's the only way yeah i've never had a like a real confrontation with a roommate

before really nothing serious man i've seen it before dude one time oh man i hooked up with this chick on my roommate my roommate had like three other roommates i don't really know him that well dude this chick gave me a blowy on like one of his roommate's beds this was like years ago this was when your boy was you know crushing it dude, dude, like, when it happened, like, I just kind of walked into his room, and I was like, I guess we'll do it here, you know, and I just threw all of his shit on the ground. Legend, bro. That's alpha.

Dude, he came home livid. He was like, who fucking touched my shit? I just, like, fucking basically fucking basically just like ruined his room what was his head like were you flopping around dude no i just took everything that was on his bed was fucked i just took everything was on his bed just threw it on right i mean you got to get down to business left like a good shit stain on his bed but dude he came home livid bro and my uh my boy was like uh they started like going after him you know those moments were like there's one problem that leads to another oh yes one of his other roommates came downstairs and was like yeah man and by the way you're a

fucking dick he said that to you no it's like my my boy oh yeah yeah you know like he just started like it just like was it just like a catapult like cataclysmic fucking event dude you know like one thing led to the other and then they just started like all the roommates started going after each other just letting it all out i was like damn dude just because you got your fucking dick suck yeah legend bro you set it off yeah i think i threatened to fight the kid too that's what i'm talking about wicked casual though i was like listen man if you want to throw hands i was like eating a bagel as i said you just gotta like you gotta fucking you know dude that is how you handle confrontation you

if you want i'm down yeah very calm if i could go back i might have said some gay shit though be like listen dude i'll fucking jerk you off right now dude it's real casual yeah if you won't bro me and you we can go outside and i'll suck your cock Be like, listen, dude, I'll fucking jerk you off right now, dude. It's real casual. If you won't, bro, me and you, we can go outside and I'll suck your cock. Yeah. I'm telling you, dude, if you get into a confrontation nowadays, you got to pull your pants down. There's really no other option.

No, you're right. What, are you going to fight him? Yeah. You can't be fighting people, man. You got to pull. You got to go full hog. If a guy pulled his dick out after I threatened to fight him, I would sprint away. There's no way you're fighting that guy.

And if, dude, if you get knocked out with your pants down, dude, that video is getting so many views. It's a win-win. That's going on Worldstar. Right, that's 5 million easily, dude. You know what I mean? And then he's gay for knocking out a guy with his dick out he's fucking swinging on you not there's anything wrong that would suck man if you pulled your dick out it was just like wicked small yeah then you get knocked just unconscious you can't get up because your pants are all fucked up

dude getting up with your pants are pulled down it's so hard as it is i could barely do that sober dude let alone a dude clocking you in the jaw yeah damn all right bro well this was fun man bro i'm telling you you're the ghost this was a movie dude i'm so i'm honestly honored to be back on the pod you are the best and uh you know anytime bro you're a legend yeah dude it was nice to, I'm honestly honored to be back on the pod. You are the best. And, uh, you know, anytime, bro, you're a legend. Yeah, dude, it was nice to have like a genuine heart to heart, man. Yeah. Sorry we got a little dark there, but that's what it's all about, man. Yeah. No, this was fun, dude. Thank you, man. Uh, let the people know where they can find you, dude.

Hit me up on IG boys at Tucker Brookshire. I'm a huge cuck on there. It's, uh, so if that's what you're into, check that shit out. Your show is crushing it, man. I hope so. One day. How are the fans, dude? Are they chill? There's not any real fans. It's mostly fake. I mostly make up questions. No, they gotta be like...

No, I actually do get quite a lot of questions. Yeah. You guys are doing what I do, man. Just respond to all the DMs. I'm starting to do that. I'm about to give up my gamer tag you know what i mean um but yeah no appreciate the boys i appreciate the pod and you're you're a legend brother you're so funny appreciate you dog