The Johnny Salami Podcast - Tyler Hittner

Episode Date: February 11, 2020

Tyler Hittner joins The Johnny Salami Podcast to talk about life as a young crip(ple). He works out, drives fast cars, and makes love like a true champion.

What's going on everyone? Welcome to another episode of the Johnny Salami podcast. Today's guest, good friend of mine, Tyler Hittner. Thanks for coming, man. Oh, anytime. Glad to be here. How are you, dude? It's good to see you. I'm great. This is great. Yeah, we have a lot to talk about, man. Yeah, we do. So you got married and, you know.

Yeah, yeah, I got married. It's great. My wife is fantastic. Shout out to Kristen. That's her name? Kristen? Yeah. Oh, cool. No, it was great. Uh, my wife is fantastic. Uh, shout out to Kristen. Uh, that's her name? Kristen? Yeah. Oh, cool. No, it was just some other person. Oh. I just met.

No, I am. She was way cooler than my wife was. How's that? How's the marriage going? Marriage is great. I do like being married. Um, it's, it's fantastic. I can't say enough.

Uh huh. Yeah. What is it? Uh, like when you, do you have like friends who like fucking uh you know hate themselves for uh getting married or so it was cool because me and all my friends we got married like within a month apart of each other it was like a group of three or four of us and we all got married and big up to my wife i do have the coolest wife of the four of us yeah um but yeah no all my friends you know we're all going through the same thing we're all

living the same lifestyle we're all going through the same early stages of marriage we were friends for many many years it's great i yeah how did you uh how'd you meet your wife so i liked my wife's neighbor and my wife's name yeah she was like you are too much for me wow i was like i never heard that before she was no not physically yeah just you're kind of fucking really obnoxious wow and i was like that's great appreciate that so then she introduced me to my wife at the time at the time my wife was you know starting college or maybe a year or so into college and we hit it off. At first we were casually dating. Everyone knows what that means,

but we were casually dating. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, you're like, so when we met, like you had your, you know,

you're like, you're fucking, you know, you stroll and everything. Yup. And you must get so mad when people like, uh, just go right forward. They're like,

you know, Oh dude, when they come up to you and they're like, so, so, so what happened? Fuck you. they're like so uh yeah what happened fuck you you must get so you know what i i went to target right before i got here and some lady comes up to me and she wish i had one of those what yeah you lazy fucking bitch fuck off

yeah dude no so people i mean i understand they're trying to connect with you yeah it's fucked they're like trying to be nice, but fuck that. Yeah. Like I wouldn't walk up to someone and go, hey, why are you stupid? Like, it happens to me all the time. But you know what? It comes with the territory. Yeah, I respect it, dude.

I mean, I've never asked you and I probably wouldn't, but like. Yeah? What happened? We met, because we met at a comedy show and like I saw you coming with your, you know. Yeah, we met, I comedy show and I saw you coming with your... Yeah, we met... I think we... Yeah, we did a show once at Mohegan Sun and then at the Raffle House you told me that your friends thought I was one of the better acts.

Yeah, because you did the rap story. I did a comedy show at the rap story. Yeah. And now I've done a comedy show at a rap show in the meantime. Did you fucking kill it? No. It fucking, I didn't get paid. Really?

Yeah, it was at the Tetra Hydra Club. Oh, it's a weed smoking? Yeah, it was a weed thing. And the kid's like, oh, I'll pay you and whatever. And he didn't pay me. I don't know. I may have misunderstood or whatever. But comedy and music don't go together i mean me and you we're both

new to this comedy world but wow if i've learned anything comedy and music don't go together yeah i'm not i'm not a gangster dude no dude he wasn't either he's white too he was there was uh so you meet your wife yeah she's friends with your neighbor no no i was friends with my wife's neighbor. Oh, so you're... Wow. Yeah. That's fucked.

Yeah. So you're just... You're plowing this chick, right? You're at, like, the early stages. No, my wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not the neighbor.

Yeah, I'm talking about you. The neighbor, like, met me instantly. It's just too much. But we can be friends. And I'm like, I had friends when I met you. I don't need more. Yeah.'re friends and yeah i met my wife we're just hitting off having sex whatever and it's good ah that feels weird to say but uh no it was great and now six years later we're married yeah so it's been six years i've been with with one woman. I'm okay with that. Good for you, man.

Proud of you. Thank you. Thank you. I've always wondered, too, because I know you're not disabled, but you're crippled. So it's hilarious when you talk about fucking. Yeah, because you think of me having sex. You know what's funny? Every time I think of myself having sex, although I've never had sex with my leg braces on, when I think of myself having sex, I'm wearing the leg with my leg braces on when i think of myself

having sex i'm wearing the leg braces but nothing else oh wow yeah it's like some kind of forrest gump shit like if you want to shoot a porno dude dude this room is ready i walked in for you and i was like i walked in i'm like wow we're shooting a porn today i thought we're doing a podcast i mean we can now when you bring girls over here, is this camera and microphone? I don't bring girls over here, man. What? Yeah. Dude, I haven't had sex in a year, year and a half, actually.

Really? Yeah, man. Not good with the ladies. I would have known. You're a good looking guy. I would have expected you to be. Yeah, dude, that's what I thought. That's what I thought.

Yeah, I am shocked right now. Yeah, man, me too. But, you know. Yeah. I went to, I don't really drink a lot so i go out sober sometimes yeah so last night i was at the bar but i went to the bar like after a show yeah and uh i mean dude you would think like comedy you know like all my friends always dude you must get a shit ton of i've always thought like i've always been in a relationship

zero pussy you know really i mean i don't but I mean, my sense of humor is like, you know, different from somebody who would get pussy. You know what I mean? Not a lot of confidence in there, but like. Yeah, but you're funny. Yeah, that's what I thought, dude. I've seen you perform numerous times and I've always thought you were one of the funnier ones. That's what I'm like. That's what I'm waiting for is to meet a girl at a show because that's the perfect time.

You know what I mean? It's like you already know who I am. You know, we don't have to play with each other. Right. But like last night, dude, I was wearing my SpongeBob shirt. Did a set at the connection. You did a show on Saturday night at the connection. Friday.

It was yesterday. You did a show Friday night at the connection. Yeah. Wow. Last night, dude. 10 o'clock. Good for you. I always do.

Really? Yeah. How? Dude, I've been doing the hardcore show for almost two years. How long have you been doing comedy? Three years. Wow. Yeah.

I did not know that. Yeah, what can I say, man? Good for you. You're more seasoned than I am. Yeah, how long have you been doing it? A year and a half. A year and a half. Yeah, man.

I've been doing it since I was 20. Technically, I started when I was 19. I did a show when I was 19. Good for you. Then I stopped. That's fucking fantastic. Yeah, that's I've been doing it since I was 20. Technically, I started when I was 19. I did a show when I was 19. Good for you. Then I stopped. That's fucking fantastic. Yeah, that's what I thought. So you did a show with Andrew Williams last night.

Yeah, man. I think that's who it was. You fucking killed it, man. Oh, I love Andrew. I cannot say enough about Andrew. Yeah, wicked nice guy, man. Hilarious, too. Love Andrew.

Crushes it. I ended up going to the bar. My friend asked me to meet up with him, but I'm sober, dude. And it's like 11 o'clock at night, 11.30? 11.30. Yeah. And we're just kind of like, you know, looking at chicks. I'm wearing my SpongeBob shirt, which I thought was cool.

Yeah. And I end up talking to this girl, and she like asked me where I was from. And she's like, have you been here the whole night? And I was like, no, I came from a comedy show. She's like, oh, like who'd you watch? And I was like, oh, I came from a comedy show. She's like, oh, like, who'd you watch? And I was like, oh, no, like, I performed. And she, like, thought that was the weirdest thing in the world, dude. She thought it was weird?

Yeah, she thought it was so weird. Dude. And then she was like, what's up with your shirt? And I was like, what the fuck? Yeah. She said that like that? Like, what's up with your shirt? What a bitch.

Yeah, dude, fuck her, dude. Yeah. Seriously. Yeah, Jesus. Those are two things that I thought were cool, you know what I mean? Comedy and Spongebob. And she thought it was weird that you were a comedian yeah like she couldn't wrap her head around it i would ask what do you do what do you do exactly what is your hobbies bitch she was one

of those girls who's like she's like the approver of the group you know what i mean she's like oh she's the queen bitch dude to get in with the girls you gotta get with the queen bitch was she hot normally you know what i told her she looked like my ex-therapist oh what's your smoke show dude that's maybe why she thought the comedy was weird did you start yeah a little bit did you start that way like you walked up like you look like my last therapist might have been might have been one of the it's even weirder that you call her your ex-therapist which sounds like you broke up with the therapist we did and you're just fucking like no i'm running wild i legit had a therapist in uh providence dude her name was daryl i thought it was a guy yeah first time i went yeah but dude she left

all of her clients including myself so wow broke up technically yeah you did but yeah this girl looked exactly like her man and it kind of fucked me up a little bit see now you said she was the leader of the group which is really strange because she was like she was like yo is that your friend over there and like my friend was talking to like her friend like a girl was wicked hot too yeah and she was like okay where was this where the fuck was this that there's a group of raptor women that like it was at the g oh you said that was at the g pub yeah and dude she goes uh she was yo, is that your friend over there? And I was like, yeah, it's my best bud. And she was like, I hope you know, like, he's not getting that tonight.

And I was like. She said that? Yeah. It wasn't even her, too. She was talking about her friend. I'm like. Yeah. Wow.

Why don't you let Becky make her own decisions? You know what I'm saying? Wow. Wow. Wow. She's like, close your legs, Becky. Yeah, dude. She's like the approver of the group.

So she's like, hey, you can fuck this person. Yeah. Women all have that fucking approval of group. Yeah. There's one in my wife's group named Sarah, and she, Sarah has the biggest dick I've ever seen. Wow. Yeah, dude. She is the leader of the women.

Sarah, I love you, but you know. Yeah, she's a bitch. That I am, I wouldn't say bitch, because I'm scared to death of her. But she is the fucking leader. Like, if I need something done with my wife,

I go to Sarah and I'm like, Sarah, tell Kristen XYZ and Sarah will get that shit done. Really? Y'all,

dude, you bow to Sarah. Dude, hook me up with Sarah. No, Sarah's gonna... Is she the other woman? Sarah's about 32

but she's got a boyfriend. He was my best man at my wedding. My bad. No, it's cool. It's cool. Fuck that one up. Zach, yeah, you started off strong.

She's a bitch. I don't know, dude. I like bitches, though. You like the assertive women? Nah, man. No? No, I fucking hate assertive women, but I kind of like... I hate assertive women.

Fuck them. I hate girls telling me what to do, but I kind of like a little bit of women fuck them i hate girls telling me what to do but i kind of like like a little bit of bitch you know i mean you know like how girls like you know like a bad guy like no one likes like the chess player who like you know has a 401k right it's kind of like i like them you know the motorcycle would fucking you know see i don't like i all right i grew up around cars i i know all i know is cars and all my friends are like oh i like girls who work on cars i don't yeah i don't know because my father was always a mechanic so the last thing i want to do is to go down and i check who smells like my dad you know wow dude think about what

it smelled like though like like oil grease gasoline you know stuff like that and like all my friends like oh she works on cars. She's hot. And I'm like, not really. Like, have you been around? Like, when I smell that, you know, it goes to men. I think of men. Yeah, I mean, when I think of like a woman mechanic, I just think about like full bush.

You think of like Megan Fox working on that Camaro in Transformers, right? No, I think about full bush. Just full bush? Yeah. There's no way she shaves. Oh, probably not. Which isn't even a bad thing. Does she shave with Gillette?

The best a man can get? I don't know, man. That's a good question. I don't know what girls shave with. I think they use like... My wife has this razor I use on my asshole in the shower. Why, you shave your asshole? I shave my asshole.

Wow, does it hurt? No, but you can wipe way better. Dude, I shaved my ass once before a basketball game, and I was in tears, like, the whole time. All right. Three questions. Why the basketball game? Like, why did you mention that?

I just wanted to feel, like, lubed up. You know what I'm saying? Honestly, dude, like, I think... I've never got fucked in a basketball game. This is going to sound fucked up, but, like, I feel like everyone's done this when they were younger, is, like, look at your asshole in the mirror. Yeah. Oh, sound fucked up, but, like, I feel like everyone's done this when they were younger. It's, like, look at your asshole in the mirror. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Just to see, like, what's down there. Yeah. Dude, lost five years of my life easily. Dude, I shaved mine. Yeah, and I was like, all right, I'm just going to shave this thing. You know, like, when you wipe your ass and, like, you get the fucking, it's all fucking, it's stuck in the fur down there? I mean, dude, honestly, I've never experienced that. I don't think I'm old enough for that yet

but like in terms of like wiping my ass like my ass is hairy yeah my ass is extreme dude look at my chest i'm like i'm like a fucking chia pet i gotta wipe my ass at least 30 times yeah like 30 times when you shave your asshole once clean swipe done yeah well i think i do i think it depends on the shits you take that i take yeah yeah i uh i guess i take dirty shits yeah i mean i don't know man like i yeah i feel like i wet my ass way too much but like don't you feel that way i swear to god i shaved my ass and like it was so uncomfortable especially the day after when it starts to grow when it starts to grow back and now it's itchy and now your fingers smell like asshole because you're itching your asshole. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't want to be itching my asshole. I don't want to have bigger problems. You know what I mean? Like, I already have a walker, so now I'm itching my asshole in public. Yeah, it's just inconvenient. Yeah, it's not the greatest look. I don't like the hair that grows on the side of my nuts.

On the side? Yeah, like when you grab your nuts, you can feel the fur getting pulled from the side of your nuts. That drives me up a wall yeah just shaving in general man is like it's such you know a necessity yeah but dude i got a manscaped i oh you got manscaped dude life changing oh yeah i did i shave my chest too oh i don't shave my chest like i don't have that hairy of a chest so i just shave it just to like you know do yeah it's not like even like if you use the manscape it's not even really shaving you're just kind of like trimming it i but it's nice and smooth i dude if you shave your let me see it show me your chest i'm not shaving my chest i feel like right now it's not shaved like i like my chest fur i like wearing a low-cut shirt with chest

fur sure it all depends though because you have like facial hair like i can only grow like uh like neck hair which is uncomfortable. You can grow it up here, which I wish I could do. Some guys have nice, thick, beautiful chest hair. Mine is just like... I look like Austin Powers with my shirt off. I mean, a lot of women like that, too. My wife is okay with it.

She doesn't like the back fur. Your back? Yeah, the top of my back gets these angel wing-looking furs. I don't like the back fur i don't like back yeah i get like the top of my back gets like these angel wing looking furs i don't like it it looks gross yeah it looks gross yeah yeah i don't have back hair i wax that shit you better wax that dude i wax that shit better dude yeah that's not that's not a good look like no woman's gonna be like yeah fucking back hair right no no no so let me make sure this thing is still fucking. Hello.

All right, man. Still in business. All right, we're still good to go. I'm checking my phone now. Because I'm one of those people that when I have a down second, I check my phone. Oh, yeah? Yeah. What were we talking about?

Oh, shaving our ass. Yeah, we were shaving our ass. Yeah, so we've gotten a lot. Yeah, I mean, so what else was I going to say? Cars. Yeah. Yeah, cars. That's another.

So, dude, you've surprised me because, like, when we met, you were just talking about fucking. You're like, yeah, man, I just plowed my wife. And I was like, how does that work? You know what I mean? I feel like I did it. I mean, I wouldn't be shocked. Maybe I did. No, you were definitely bragging, dude.

You were like, I can fuck like an animal. Yeah, I do. I do. I do brag like that. Yeah. And then you start talking about cars. So, like, Yeah, I do brag like that. Yeah. And then you start out talking about cars. So, like, dude, you're motivational, man. Like, you can just maneuver.

You have, like, different ways of doing things. You can fuck. You can drive. I can drive. You just went to the gym? Yeah, I go to the gym four to five days a week. I just lost 70 fucking pounds. 70?

70. 70. It's all in the diet, though, right? Yeah, because I only eat, like, 1,500 calories a day. It's all on the diet though, right? Yeah. Because I only eat like 1,500 calories a day. That's not a lot, man. That's not a lot, dude. And I'm always hungry.

I'm always like today I'm going off Chinese. And that's all I can fucking think about is that Chinese food I'm going to have tonight. What are you going to get? I'm going to get like the spare ribs, pork fried rice. That's all I can think about. But I haven't eaten all day because I'm taking into account that I'm going to eat that tonight so I'm not going to eat all day

to save those calories yeah you're going to fast oh dude it's brutal yeah man it's all in the diet what do people say when you go to the gym are they just wicked motivated do people start tearing up

so do people start tearing up it's so great I have a lot of strangers that come up now I have a startling disorder that I fall down when loud noises happen, like the goats that you see. You know, the fainting goats that just drop.

So I have my headphones in, and people come up to me. And now that I have the headphones in, I'm, like, extra sensitive to, like, sudden movements around me. So people come up to me, and they'll sneak up behind me for whatever fucking reason. And they'll go, hey, they'll tap me in the back. Good job. I fall down instantly. Really? Yeah.

What do they do after that? They like, they're like, oh, you're right. But they don't try to help me out. But they're like, oh, you're right. And I'm like, I'm all right. But like, I have random people come up to me all the time. Go, bro, just want to let you know, you're really inspirational. And I'm like, I shouldn't be. i really like i appreciate it i'm happy you think that but

what am i doing that like you know i mean dude like yeah i mean i'd be i'd be kind of like inspired you know it's funny when people how hard you're going i go hard yeah if you're sweating dude dude i just like till i collapse by eminem dude i'm gonna get a i'm gonna get a full-on yeah dude i i get on the elliptical because i can hold myself up and just kind of really yeah i spaghetti like it oh really oh yeah dude i'll fucking get on that yeah dude i'll burn i'll do like five minutes of cardio to start and people come up to me like how are you doing that and i'm like can you help down? Like I've used up myself and then I'll do dips. Like I can do straight up dips, like weight tied around my fucking waist.

Yeah. And I could do, yeah. So you're wearing the braces though? Oh yeah. Well, I always wear like braces. I got like braces that go up to the top of my calf.

Yeah. So I always have to find like calf high socks. Oh yeah. Yeah. I wear those. Yeah. Yeah. It's the only socks I wear.

Do you? There's no other thing. No. There's no other socks Just calf eyes man Yeah Get them at the Luke Trading Really? Yeah

The Lane Bryant for men Damn I get mine from like Marshalls Do you? Marshalls got some good stuff man Yeah? Yeah Do you ever feel that way?

That you know what Lane Bryant is right? Lane Bryant is for plus size women Yeah You didn't know that? That's like big and tall for women? It's like a big and tall for women. There's a store in the mall called Lane Bryant. If you hang out outside of it.

At the Warwick Mall? At the Warwick Mall. I've never been to the Warwick Mall. What? We got Emerald Square right there. Oh, that's right. I'm in Cumberland. Mm-hmm.

I'm from Coventry. Yeah, Emerald Square. Adelbro's right there, man. Wow, dude. Yeah. So anyways, in the Warwick Mall, there's a store called Lane Bryant. And it's for heavier women. Which I feel Duluth Trading is the fucking Lane Bryant for men.

Really? It's just for fat guys. You walk in there, there's all fucking truckers walking around. Damn, dude. They got some stuff like that at Walmart, though. Yeah. Walmart's- Dickies?

Yeah, Dickies. Yeah. Dickies is for fat guys, though. Yeah. Walmart. Dickies. Yeah, Dickies. Yeah. Dickies is for fat guys, too. Yeah, it's like for, like, plumbers and fucking construction workers, pretty much. How come they're always

portrayed as a heavy fat guy? Because they are. But in porn, they're always really fit. And I'm like, wait, what? Like, construction workers in porn?

Yeah. Really? Yeah, they're always like, construction, I've watched fucking, I watched Construction workers in porn? Yeah. Really? Yeah, they're always like, construction. I've watched fucking, I watched a video on my way here. Wow. Yeah. It was a construction porno? Yeah, it was like these guys were building a building.

Girl walked by. She's like, hey, boys. And then they all fucking gang banged her. It was crazy. You want to send me that? I will send you that. All right. Yeah, man, I've never seen one like that.

Dude, I've seen some crazy porn is that what you're typing in on the search bar though like oh i type in two by four so i typed in four by four because i like trucks now can i say something me and my wife last night we went on date night right my wife works third shift she's a nurse so's, we spend the time together that we can. She's a pilot? Yeah. So she's working tonight, right? She's working Saturday, Sunday. So we went out on date night last night and we went to go see Cats, the movie. Fuck that. Right?

I felt like such a weirdo in that movie because I'm like, that cat's hot. I'd fuck that cat. Were the actors pretty hot, though? Yeah, like Taylor Swift's in the movie. Oh, shit. Yeah. And I'm like, Taylor Swift is fucking ridiculously hot as a cat. Yeah, I mean, she's hot in general.

Right, but now... As a cat, that's an upgrade. Right, but now you're like, am I weird because I'd fuck that cat? No. I feel weird about it. Why? Because I have cats. I love my cats. I take pictures of my cats. I fucking hate cats? No. I feel weird about it. Why? Because I have cats. I love my cats.

I take pictures of my cats. I fucking hate cats, man. I love cats, dude. I hate cats, dude. I'm such a cat person. Yeah, man. Dude, I had a cat, Mitzi, when I was younger. Mitzi?

I talk about her in some of my skits. I remember you talking about Mitzi one time. Yeah, she ran away, dude. Yeah. Yeah, man. She's wicked overweight, dude. We stopped feeding her her and she legitimately ran through the basement window we didn't dude i never saw her again and then one day i was playing

basketball with some of my friends and we saw a mitzi dude like anorexic like red-haired oh really yeah i mean we i thought it was mitzi it could have been another cat but and you didn't take it home the cat looks at you we could never get it man it just ran away when we stopped feeding it and like we could never find it wow man at the same time like i don't know man i think dogs are way better than cats i don't know man i like cats better than dogs yeah that's fucked yeah i like cats i like because i got that startling thing so when a dog barks i fucking fall yeah but dogs are wicked friendly. But cats fucking do that. I've never seen a cat knock me down, though. Yeah, but dude, if you're like...

You could be watching a porno, like a construction porno, and your cat just randomly scratches your face. Like, they're always just randomly scratching people. Never had a cat. Dude, I can literally bother the shit out of my dog, man. Like, smack his tummy and stuff, and he will not do anything. Like, he'll just fucking sit there yeah this can be if i do that to a cat dude i'm getting my eyes clawed out dude yeah just leave the cat alone right for the eyes too dude they don't even just leave the

cat alone let the cat just chill why do you that's the whole point having a dog is like you know i want the company and i want to just bother him yeah i guess yeah so i just want a fat dog just be wicked lazy dude i can just fact it's crazy that we're just talking about the company and I want to just bother them. Yeah, I guess. I just want a fat dog. I just want to be wicked lazy, dude. It's crazy that we're just talking about the gym and we're at Cats now. Fuck Cats, man. I like Cats. Dude, Cats, they perform that on Broadway, right? We saw the Broadway play, too.

Really? My wife loves Cats. The movie and the play and everything. And she cried during the movie. But she cried at a weird scene that wasn't tear jerking like it was just one of those awkward moments yeah and like there was no plot to the movie in the least i feel like girls are always doing that though yeah i normally i cry at movies a lot we watched a movie called the peanut butter falcon the other day have you seen

this it's about this guy with Down Syndrome that wants to become a wrestler and he breaks out of the group home he's living in and he like runs away from the group home and Shia LaBeouf finds him and takes him to a wrestling school. I fucking lost it. That would be a good porno.

What, Shia LaBeouf and a Down Syndrome person? Yeah. Going to wrestling school? Yeah. That'd be a good one. Do you know Yeah. Going to wrestling school? Yeah. Oh. Yeah. That'd be a good one. Do you know who the rapper Yellow Wolf is? Heard of him, yeah.

He's in the movie. Really? And he has like a major role. I feel like movies have kind of like downgraded over the years, man. I don't know, man. I feel like movies

like you use that fucking lethal weapon, bro. I've never seen lethal weapon. I've never seen Die Hard. Really? I'm a big Jurassic Park fan. Yeah, the old ones, dude. Those are so good.

Those are fucking dope. Now the new ones dude those are so good fucking dope now the new ones like a fucking they're okay it's like a robot with like six dicks and you're like it's not a fucking it's not a raptor yeah yeah i didn't see that one i don't it feels like technology like uh it feels like walmart it feels like walmart like the movie feels like Walmart. It feels like Walmart. The movie feels like Walmart. What do you mean? It feels cheap. Really? It feels like it's just- They've got some quality stuff at Walmart, though. Yeah, but it feels like a money grab, like the movie.

That's where everything is now, dude. Like, Dwayne the Rock Johnson, man. He's one of the most idolized people in the world, but he has a stunt guy who does all that stuff for him. Yeah, I'm sure he does. It's unrealistic, dude. It's like six buildings are falling down like skyscrapers, and just picks them up with his fucking tits yeah yeah yeah it's ridiculous yeah yeah fuck that oh yeah i'm into the uh dude i'm into like the last kingdom have you seen that on netflix now dude check it out which one's that one it's one with utrid of bebenberg

that is so descriptive yeah who else is in the fucking... What the fuck was that? I don't know who fucking Uhtred is. I don't know who Uhtred is. Oh, shit, dude. You gotta watch it. If you were like Ryan Reynolds, and I was like, okay.

You go Uhtred. Yeah, if you watch The Last Kingdom on Netflix, you will not stop watching it. What's it about? Give me... Don't give me Uhtred. It's about fucking this dude Uhtred, right? He was born... Wowarded wow wow wow no he was born

he's like half saxon half dane and they're you know the saxons and the danes okay you know you used to have like a huge you know debacle beef and a big beef huge beef dude so they're constantly fighting each other dude so sometimes he'll So sometimes he'll kill his own people. And that's kind of like the central idea. But at the same time, he's just fighting for, you know. Throw a bandana on him. Dude, he fucks, bro. He literally has three wives.

Pretty sure two out of the three no three of them died. He killed one of his kids had an abortion actually. So did he kill it? Did he have an abortion? This guy is just constantly fucking and just absolutely

demolishing dudes. See I wouldn't want to fuck that much. Back then? Even then. I'm cool with one a day. Oh yeah. That's what I'm saying.

One every other day. It's one a day but it's not pulling out. Yeah. I mean, that's the way to do it. Especially back then. Right. Dude, he was just banging the hottest of the hottest.

Yeah, but they were like 1700s. Yeah, Full Bush. You would just talk at Full Bush. Full Bush. It comes in a circle. Full Bush. Full Bush doing the dishes, dude. Yeah.

But these are like queens though dude some of the chicks he was doing bro one of them the first one I forgot her name because I haven't seen the show in a while she is actually like one of the warriors you are like the greatest person to ask about a show because you're like I haven't seen it in a while

I haven't dude because I finished it right I finished it in legitimately two weeks. There was three seasons. Did you see Stranger Things? I stopped watching it. Why? That's the thing because with Netflix, there's such a delay between the new seasons.

Yes. So you have to wait. You know what I mean? And sometimes you don't remember what happened. Right. Right. That's what sucks. That's what happens with The Last Kingdom.

It's been two years since the last season. I'm waiting for the new season. You know what I mean? It's been two years? Yeah. I'm pretty sure a year or two maybe. Wow. I've just waiting for the new season. It's been two years? Yeah, I'm pretty sure a year or two maybe. I've never seen Game of Thrones. I've never seen any of these things. I'm not even a big...

I don't have a lot of time to watch shows. It's only if they're really fucking good. Yeah, dude. That's a big gap. Two years. It's like, dude, at least a year is fine. But's fine, but like two years, it's like, you know. You know what I spend a lot of time doing? I really like NASCAR.

Really? I am one of those. Cats and NASCAR, dude. Cats and NASCAR, and I'm not a Donald Trump fan. Isn't that fucking weird? Wow. Yeah, dude, I'm fucking big into NASCAR. I like NASCAR, because I like cars.

So, you know, cars is... Are you watching NASCAR, though, to see them crash? No. So, we own the battery shop. So, we're an automotive repair facility. And we're big with interstate battery. So, there's an interstate battery car. So, it's like pulling for your home team.

You know, so it's great. And there's an interstate battery car is my favorite driver. And he has like, it's cool. So that's like a big, big part of my time in the summertime. Yeah. Yeah.

It's not that exciting though. Unless you're there. Do you have like a surround sound? No. And I've been to many races. No, you'd fall, you'd fall over.

I'd fall over. Fucking watch a Jurassicassic park fucking raptor sound over there for a NASCAR race dude he'd be falling over every every five seconds when the cars go by just down down dude so i watch that a lot in the summertime yeah i would just get bored man that's dude you know what i've been getting into is golf golf yeah you're calling NASCAR boring but you're like you're gonna try golf no i've been getting into? It's golf. Golf? Yeah. You're calling a NASCAR boy? But you're like, you're going to try golf. No, I've been like, I haven't been watching golf. I like playing golf.

Oh, you like playing golf, yeah? I've been in a bunch in the summer, dude, but I used to hate it. I used to fucking, I used to swing as hard as I could and just scream vagina. Yeah. And now I'm like wicked into it. Now, when you scream vagina, what do the other guys wearing the polo shirts say? Because there's like a bunch of old guys with polo shirts. I think they specifically, oh, the other guys are the people I'm's like a bunch of old guys. I think they specifically...

Oh, the other guys are the people I'm with. Anyone? The old guys? They just hate you regardless. Oh, do they? Younger kids. Do they? Wicked white racist dudes. Well, they're rich old white racist guys. Yeah, they have like timeshares and shit. And NASCAR. They just get drunk and like, fuck, yeah, dude, they're assholes. Yeah, I know

exactly. They drive Corvettes. But the people I'm with previously were kind of dicks about it. Were they? I feel like, fuck, yeah, dude, they're assholes. Yeah, I know exactly. They drive Corvettes. Yeah, but the people I'm with previously were kind of dicks about it. Were they? I feel like they specifically brought me there to swing as hard as they could. I feel like you're the dick. You're a screaming vagina. Yeah, but in my mind, yes.

And just hacking the ball. Yeah, it was a disgrace to golf. But now I actually try. Now you try? I think it's cowardly to not try. You scream. Dude, you're spending money to go out there. You're spending a lot of money.

You're spending $25 just to walk around and hit spending a lot of money. 25 bucks just to walk around. Yeah. You know, hit a ball in a hole. That's a lot. Mm-hmm. That is a lot. Yeah, dude. And then just to go out there and scream vagina.

Yeah. Well, I don't do it anymore. It was previously when I hated golf. Yeah. That's what I thought golf was. That'd be funny, though. That'd be super funny. You were watching, like, the PGA Tour and you saw me do that?

Fucking vagina. Fucking whiff. I hit the ball. that'd be funny though that'd be super funny if you were watching like the PGA Tour and you saw me do that fucking vagina fucking whiff hit the ball golf's hard though man it takes a bunch of patience yeah yeah I try to

do you try to be as active as possible in the summertime oh dude no not just in the summertime year round I run in the snow dude do you really

dude I'm at the track at least five times a week for you holy shit i made a video of all the time well not all the times but like if it's snowing out dude and i'm you know yeah to get after it do you go kayaking i've been kayaking a few times yeah i think it's all right man yeah we got some the thing is i have a fishing boat okay like a bass boat so yeah dude my wife and i have kayaks. I like to go kayaking in the summertime. Yeah, do you fish often or do you just kayak? I will fish. I have this

miniature collapsible fishing rod that I got. I will fish, but I'm more into it for the workout more than the... Yeah. And I also have a hand pedal bike that I'll do about 30 miles a week on in the summertime. I like doing that.

I like being outside. I really like being outside. Yeah. I really like being out in the fresh air. Yeah, dude. If I don't go running or like exercise, man, I feel so bad. You feel like shit, don't you? Yeah, definitely.

Oh, I hate that. I've never understood people who can't exercise. I don't understand that. Yeah. Like, what do you do with your life? At least go outside, you know what I mean? You fucking lazy piece of shit. Look at me.

Look at me and be inspired by me. Yeah. Fucking, you know what I mean? You fucking lazy piece of shit. Look at me. Look at me and be inspired by me. Yeah. Fucking, I know what you mean. I have friends that they just, they sit inside all day. Yeah, it's like. They're also quadriplegics, but that's okay. It's fine. It's fine.

Yeah, man. I mean, dude, yeah. That, that's, I mean, that's the age I'm at now where it's like everyone's afraid to like chase their dreams and like go outside and like. Yeah. But like now's the time, man. Just take the chance now. Go, go, go. It's time. Go. Yeah. chase their dreams and like go outside and like yeah but like now's the time man just go go go it's time go yeah but they should go and go yeah like you have time to make mistakes in my age yeah yeah a lot of people just wake up when they're like 40 and they're like what the fuck happened yeah yeah i mean you know i have a lot of friends that went to

school with and i'm not saying that they're losers but they don't have a job and they get like four kids really yeah they get like government uh i don't know and they're not with the mom but they go on facebook saying about how badass they are really yeah yeah fuck facebook man i hate facebook you hate facebook yeah i never see i never see you post on facebook i don't use it i know facebook is for like uh comedy now do you feel as comedians we need to keep our social, well, obviously not, but do you feel like we need to keep our social media presence up to be, you know, so we don't fall in the category of out of sight, out of mind? No. No? But a lot of people do. I try to keep that up. It helps a lot of people because they'll be like

oh i was here this day you know and people you know people start to notice that so like i'll try to show that yeah you're staying active in it at the same time like do i think that that's necessary no really no no i mean i think like you can network in person you know what i mean oh yeah i but dude i mean yeah it does help a lot because you have like you have all the open mics on there you have the upcoming shows. Yeah. Yeah. I just try to post and dress even cause I do a lot of bringers.

So I feel like if I post funny Facebook posts, people go, Oh, you know, it's funny. Maybe I will go see Tyler at the comedy connection show. That is a bringer. And I feel like that kind of keeps that open as opposed to if I just posted

serious stuff all the time. Yeah. Facebook is great for comedy, especially cause you can pay for advertisements. Yes. Yes. Like the show I did in Boston Thursday, this guy paid for an advertisement and pretty much filled the place up.

Yeah. I feel like... It's only like a few bucks for an advertisement. Yeah. And I feel like it's really important for us to bring people to shows. I haven't brought people in a very long time. Really? But I'm a piece of shit, so it doesn't really matter. No, you're not. You're excellent. I saw you make a Facebook post today. people in a very long time. Really? But I'm a piece of shit.

No, you're not. You're excellent. I saw you make a Facebook post today. I was a picture of you. Yeah. And I was like, that is shocking.

John posted that. Yeah. Like I actually, well, they have a thing on Facebook now. Well, not a thing, but like,

it's like, you know how like, um, we're on Facebook. Like there's like a, um, there's an algorithm for who sees your post. Yes.

Like, I don't use it a lot, so not a lot of people are going to see it. Yes. Yeah, like, the other day I made a Facebook post, and I knew enough to write hashtag New Year's Eve because it would get more attention that way. Yeah. Just because that's how the algorithm is. I think it was something stupid, like. I mean, that's all it is, man. It's just, like, people are afraid to say that they want attention.

That's all Facebook really is, man. I love that. It's like every time I go on, there's always someone who's like, well, I mean, this is it. I'm deleting the Facebook for now. Dude, do you love that? Do you love that? And then the next week I'm on, they're like. Still there?

Yeah. Happy to be back. It's like. I love those Facebook posts. Yeah. But it's like, dude, everyone's using it for attention, man. Oh, yeah. If I put up a picture of me doing comedy, it's because I want people to know that I'm doing Facebook posts Yeah But it's like It's like dude Like you know Like everyone's using it For attention man Oh yeah If I put up a picture

Of me doing comedy It's cause I want people To know that I'm doing comedy Yeah That's I get that I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna be like

Oh I'm just putting it up Yeah I'm just putting it up For my dignity Like just like I'm putting this up So I remember I was doing this show

Yeah just like Hey man In four years I was here Yeah Dicks Yeah That's all it is

I get it That's all it is. I get it. That's great. But, dude, I'm 23, though, so, like, everyone my age uses Instagram. They don't really use Facebook. Oh, they all switch over to Instagram? No, I like Instagram, man. Yeah, dude. They have, like, a lot of informative posts and, like, a lot of hot chicks just bending over, which is always nice.

Yeah, there always is hot chicks on Instagram. You just have to deal with, like, people, like, altering their image, which, I mean. Yeah. You win some, you lose some. Yeah. You know what I mean? But you want to see some hot chicks on Instagram. You just have to deal with people altering their image, which, I mean, you win some, you lose some. You know what I mean? But you want to see some hot chicks, dude. Oh, my God. There's so many hot chicks on Instagram.

Yeah. Oh, my God. I don't open my Instagram when my wife's around. Yeah. That'll fuck her up. Oh, my God. I opened it up once, and fucking Riley Reid was there doing something. The porn star?

Yeah. And my wife's like, who the fuck's that? And I was like, I went to school with her. Yeah, I mean, there's the Discover thing. And my whole Discover thing is just chicks bending over. That's crazy. Mine's Jurassic Park. Really?

Yeah. Mine's like sports. Girls doing glute workouts. Ready? I'm going to open my Discover thing right now. And I will tell you what. That's pretty cool. Sometimes you have to reload it.

Ready? Okay. Let's just open the Discover thing, and we have Jurassic Park, Jurassic Park, T-Rex, NASCAR, NASCAR, NASCAR, Jurassic Park. No Jake Spend it over? No. It's just all Jurassic Park and NASCAR. Jesus, man.

You like Ricky Bobby? I like the Ricky Bobby movie. I feel like the beginning of the Ricky Bobby movie was phenomenal. And then the second half dropped right off. Really? Yeah. With Sacha Baron Cohen? Yeah, it was just like...

It felt like a movie that had two directors. Like halfway... Like at the beginning you see him doing all the NASCAR stuff. And then there's like a halfway point that just falls right off. You're like, what happened to this movie? Yeah, I watched, I've seen that a bunch of times. But when I was in college, when I was dorming, I had this roommate. We like, you know, barely knew each other at the time.

Well, we kind of knew each other. Like, yeah, we had a decent relationship. Two of our roommates moved out. So it was just us two in this massive room. Yeah. But we slept like our beds were parallel to each other and then the other side of the room was kind of like you know just there i guess yeah um wait wait i'm sorry what we were gay no i'm just kidding yeah well

you said you slapped your bed like i'm all like so you slapped your bed together johnson wales so like you have a room a little bigger than this. You lived at Johnson and Wales? That's like... 15 minutes away. 15 minutes away? Okay. All right. Go on. I lived there, though, just to try to socialize.

Yeah. Live my best life. Yeah. Did you get ass? No. Not at all. I tried. I'd fucking try, but there was four beds in our room, so there were four people living

there. I transferred from URIri dude so uh two of our roommates left like they were like fuck this i can't live here really and uh yeah some people should go to college man they're like i can't uh one of them was like you know he was like all right i'm you know i have other things i want to do okay uh then the other kid just moved to a different part of campus where all the ass cheeks were yeah i was on the part of campus where it was just like you know psychopaths oh yeah and uh anyway dude i was watching uh ricky bobby my roommate's next to him and he's trying to do

homework and there's the scene at ricky bobby where he drives through the house yeah i fucking laughed so hard dude yeah like, for at least 10 minutes. Like, I don't know why I find that so funny. It was funny. He had the Chevelle. Just the idea of, like, someone driving through a house. Yeah. It makes me laugh. He had the Chevelle, and he was all, like,

it had the number 13 painted on the door. Yeah, it was. It was like a 69 Chevelle. It was a gorgeous car. He had the Cougar in the car. He had the Cougar in the car. His dad was just like, you just gotta feel it. Yeah. So. I didn't get a lot ofar in the car. You had the cougar in the car. His dad was just like, you just got to feel it. Yeah. Yeah.

So. I didn't get a lot of pussy in high school. I mean. I am sure. In high school, I fucking crushed it, dude. You know what I'm saying? What? In high school, you crushed it?

In high school, I crushed it, man. I don't know why. Well, how many? How many? How many was like. No, I just had this really hot girlfriend in high school. Oh, that's cool. That's cool. Yeah, man. I mean, but that's a good time. Quantity over quality. I get it. That's a good time to have a girlfriend really hot girlfriend in high school oh that's cool that's cool yeah

man i mean but that's quantity over quality i get it have a girlfriend though in high school in college man i just got wicked fat dude you're not fat you're in good shit in college i like gained a lot of weight oh did you even when i didn't when i lost a bunch of weight and i was at johnson wells dude i just could like never get pussy dude dude. Why? I don't know. Are you scared of it? Because like. No, dude. Girls just thought I was weird. One of my roommates was trying to bang me. And.

I'm sorry. One of your roommates? Oh, no. Fucking. What do you call that? Neighbors, maybe? I don't know. Okay.

Okay. Lives down the hall. Okay. Like this hot chick. Yep. Comes over with legitimate like leather pants on. I would be all over that. Yeah.

Wicked hot, dude. And she like walks into a room and i'm playing xbox yeah and i'm like facing the opposite see now i thought it was like maybe the women that were a problem now i'm seeing it's kind of you as the problem and uh she's like she looked at me she came in my room and she's like oh you guys coming out tonight i was like i was in the middle of a game dude i was playing nhl i was in overtime yeah dude i fucking i won in overtime got wicked amped up and she was just pissed dude yeah dude she's like is there something wrong with this kid what if i if i lived on a college dorm i would be fucking rolling in and out of bitches rooms all the time

yeah wow a lot of it dude a lot of it's like a relationship thing like i was in a long-term relationship yeah ended and that kind of fucked me up and i kind of like saw girls differently yeah and then it's sketchy people like me now who's kind of like i feel it's kind of like cowardly to just like manipulate a girl just to like get in her pants you know what i mean i i guess but at the same time there's another side of me it's like dude just do it man like they want you to do it you know just like go yeah, Oh yeah. I mean, you're young. You should be. I should be. All right. So I feel you'll,

you'll probably agree with me this when you're young, you're like 20 from your, what your age is, you should be kind of not dating, but friends with benefits and just living your life. And it's not like, you're like, you're not ruining these girls lives by having sex with them.

Unless you are ruining these girls lives. When you have sex with them I don't know how bad you are you're gonna have to fucking show me some tips dude dude I don't like you should be having friends with benefits you should be sleeping around my mom taught me this for real it was fucked

up my mom's like you don't want to be in a long term relationship when you're young get out all that friends with benefits now fuck that that was the best advice my mother ever gave me relationship when you were young. Get out all that friends and benefits now. That was the best advice my mother ever gave me. I had a long-term relationship and the girl cheated on me with my best friend. Yeah, it broke

my heart. I was 21 and I got let loose and now I'm single at the age of 21. So I get to sleep with all different girls and it's great. And then when I was older, I settled down and I got into a long-term relationship. And I'm married. And that's completely out of my system.

Do I look at every girl that walks by? Yeah. Should I? No. But I do. But, you know, that's out of my system. You know? I had that fun, wild time.

And that's what you should be doing right now. Yeah, man. Honestly, dude, my goal has been to find a girl after a show., wild time. Yeah. And that's what she should be doing right now. Yeah, man. Honestly, dude, my goal has been to, like, find a girl after a show. After a show. Yeah. Because, like, she sees it, you know what I mean? You feel like a rock star after you get off stage. It's never happened, though.

You know what I mean? Do you feel like a rock star coming off stage? Not really. No? No. I feel like I'm always just like, yeah, I could have done better. Yeah, I know that feeling, but. I've never been like, fuck man i did it no uh i

mean there's been like moments but i feel like you shouldn't have that mentality you know what i mean no you should be like yeah well you'll be funnier next time i have like i i if i have a good i'm happy i get wicked nervous before shows do you and yeah you would never be able to tell yeah i know but we've been in the green room together, and I'm like, John's like. I look calm, but in my head, I'm like, dude, what if I fuck up, man? You know what I'm saying? Because I feel like I'm like, you know, I'm definitely obligated to make the people laugh. Like, I paid money.

That's our job. You know, and who told me this? Rob Pierce told me this. I love Rob. Rob's a great guy. I love Rob Pierce. Rob Pierce. This is fucked up. Yeah. You could have just went with it. Yeah, I could have just went with it. Rob Pierce is a great guy. No, Rob Pierce. Rob Pierce. This is fucked up.

Yeah. You could have just went with it. Yeah, I could have just went with it. Rob Pierce is a great guy. I like Rob. There's two Rob Pierces, though, right? I don't think so. There is.

No, Rob Pierce is the kid that works at... I think he works at the Comedy Connection. No. No? Who is fucking the guy you did the show for at the rooftop? Brad Pierce. Brad Pierce. So it is Rob Pierce.

Rob Pierce told me this. So it is Rob Pierce. Rob Pierce told me this. He said, he's like, if you aren't nervous before shows, then that means you don't care. Yeah. And he's 100% right.

Absolutely. Yeah. Rob's a great guy. I understand. I think that's my favorite part, though. Just like getting nervous before shows and then going up there and like after you get the first laugh, you're like,

all right, well. That weight's going. That weight's going. Yeah, the weight's on your shoulder, man. Oh, it's such a good feeling. Once you get that, there's like a get the first laugh, you're like, all right, well. That weight's gone. That weight's gone. Yeah, the weight's on your shoulder, man. Oh, it's such a good feeling. Once you get that, there's like a switch that goes off. You're like, all right, I can just be myself now. That is the best term to put it, that a switch goes off.

Yeah. You get that first laugh. Everything's good. Everything's golden. It's important, man. The first laugh is always the hardest. I feel like that's the most important. Yeah, it's very important.

Very important because some people you see don't get that first laugh. Or it takes them a while to get that first laugh. Yeah. But yeah, man, I've never... Dude, I've talked to... I think I've talked to hot chicks twice after shows. But dude, the thing is, like, everyone thinks I get, like, a shit ton of girls when I show up to the connection. Yeah.

I remember one time I was like talking to this girl and I actually talked about her on stage. Not directly, but I was like, yeah, I've been in the friend zone

for a while. She was in the fucking stands and her face just got wicked red. Oh, really? She knew it was her? Yeah, she knew it was her. What'd she say? Her face just got wicked red.

She's like, I can't believe you fucking said that. Yeah, dude. But, no, man, like Brian always thinks I get like a bunch of girls all the comedians like sometimes like well not anymore but there used to be like girls i was friends with who would enjoy coming to shows and who knew if i had a chance maybe i did maybe i didn't but maybe yeah man that's all it really

was if you say to a girl like all right some girl some girls like well if we go out it's not a date it's not a date they always want to make that very clear that they they don't you'd be like oh i'm not into labels right now i just want to have a good time yeah they fucking love that shit it's a weird oh my god they hated it dude nope nope yeah they like they it's weird, but. They definitely think it's weird, though, if you're just going straight for the kill. Like, I feel like you have to have that particular. Oh, yeah, you can't.

You can't randomly text a girl on Facebook being, what the fuck? Yeah. That doesn't fly. Yeah. That's the hardest part, though, just being like, you know. You have to be like, oh, I'm not into labels. Because that's what I do with my wife. I'm like, oh, I'm not into labels. Because that's what I do with my wife. I'm like, oh, I'm not ready for a relationship.

I just want to have a good time. And whatever happens, happens. And my wife's like, that's the greatest thing ever. And it was great. And it worked out for me for like four months until we became in a long-term relationship. Yeah. I think the thing with me, man, is just confidence. You know what I mean?

You seem extremely confident. You think so yeah externally internally not really but externally yeah yeah i wish dude that'd be cool man yeah i don't like i don't like people like that though dude i don't like guys who are like fucking yeah man oh no do i put do i come off that way no i'm just saying like oh i was like that i fucking hate myself oh yeah i was like yeah just did a fucking comedy show you're trying to fuck you know what i mean yeah and he says all boston like that trying to fuck i know what you mean i get you i get you i get you yeah yeah so it's like i don't know man it's hard to like be like humble and like quiet like i am like very like deadpan and get you know i yeah i just never thought of it that way

yeah well now you know dude i yeah i walked in here thought of it that way. I don't know what it is, man. Yeah, well, now you know, dude. I, yeah, I walked in here. I'm like, this dude's got cameras set up. He's fucking at least on the reg. Slaying, dude. Yeah, man.

It's been a year and a half, I think. Yeah, then we started talking about fucking Dungeons and Dragons or whatever we were just talking about. And I was like, maybe not. It's been a year and a half, man. I don't know when I'm gonna

break the cycle. Wow, dude. Yeah. Are you gonna make a Facebook post about when you get laid? Probably not, man. You should just make a Facebook. I'm just going to continuously put up pictures of me doing stand-up on Facebook.

You should just post, like, a random amount of days. Yeah. Like, from the last time that you got laid until now, it'd be, like, 467 days. Dude, I should have counted the days, man. I could probably calculate it. Yeah, just go back into the last time you texted that girl before you ruined her life. I probably fucked her up a little bit. Jesus Christ.

I'm just kidding. It wasn't that bad. It was good, man. It was a good one. Jesus. Yeah. The other thing is, like, dude, when I do get girls, they're always, like, the hottest chicks.

Yeah? It's either wicked fat or, like, wow. The hottest chick ever? Not the hottest chick ever, but, like, but like i'd say like a solid eight to ten good for you never but like i'm looking for like a six or a seven yeah but there's the confidence right there you're like it always ends up being an eight or a nine i'm looking for a six but i end up with the eight once i was like yeah you're not even that hot you said that to her yeah was she hot oh yeah smoke show oh really i was like you're not even that hot. What made you say you're not even that hot?

Why did you have to take her down a peg? Six beers. Oh. I was like, oh, this will work, dude. Reverse psychology. Did it work? I was like, yeah, you're not even that hot. Did it work?

No. Her and her friends started screaming at me. It was funny. I thought it was funny, though. It's extremely funny. He started screaming at me. Oh, they were funny, though. It's extremely funny. He's not screaming at me. Oh, there it is, man. I think of you at a bar with a Spongebob t-shirt on and a bunch of girls screaming at you.

Like, that girl screams at the cat online. Yeah. Nah, dude. I don't know, man. Girls, nah. That was one time they yelled at me. But, like, last night, man. I don't even think.

I only talked to, like, one or two girls. Had my Spongebob shirt going, dude. Sober. Yeah, but you have, have like the coolest voice like you you should be able you will be able to pick up girls pretty relaxed most of the time you know yeah you're always relaxed you i'm relaxed but like my thoughts are pretty fucked up you know what i mean go explain like especially with instagram like the videos i'm making and stuff like that oh yeah we don't follow each other i'll follow you after yeah? We don't follow each other. I'll follow you after this. Oh, we don't follow each other?

I post pictures of my cats in Jurassic Park. So? Yeah, dude, we'll follow each other after this and you'll just go through my Instagram and be like, all right, that makes sense. Yeah, dude.

Yeah, dude. Yeah. Yeah. No, man, I have a weird fucking sense of humor, man. Do you? Yeah, like I think driving through houses is hilarious.

Dude, that was so funny in that movie when he did that. Screaming vagina is funny to me. Yeah, golfing. Anything that's random, dude, is hilarious. That was, dude, that was so funny in that movie when he did that. That was. Screaming vagina is funny to me. Yeah. Golfing. Anything that's random, dude,

is hilarious to me. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like if I was sitting in my walker, the walker just snapped out from underneath me. That would be fucking hilarious. It would be though. It really would be.

Yeah. Just like yelling random stuff. You know what I mean? Yeah. I always find like anything that's like against a social norm is just so funny to me. Yeah, you think so? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, like dude, Borat's like my favorite movie. Dude, that's so fucking funny. Did you see the second one? What was that? Bruno? Bruno? No, man. Dude, watch Bruno.

Borat was too good, man. Borat was very good. Bruno is just as fucking funny. You think so? Oh my God, dude. I don't know. I don't know if anything could be funnier than Borat. Dude, there's a part where they're doing a panel of people that, if they're going to

green light a TV show, and they all think that they're really watching a show called Bruno, and it's just Sacha Baron Cohen whipping his cock around in a circle, and they're like, I don't know if this is okay to show on TV. It's so fucking funny. Dude, my favorite scene from Borat, or one of them, is like when they're in the garden. And the guy's walking the turtle. And he's like, what kind of dog is this? Yeah. walking the turtle. And he's like, what kind of dog is this? I like what he's saying about his cousin

that's retarded. He broke out and he got the pussy. That was so fucking funny. His brother B-Lo. My brother B-Lo. Yeah. Yeah.

That was so fucking funny. That movie's hilarious. Every scene in that movie is like legitimately priceless dude dude that whole movie and he has so many lawsuits against him too

still yeah probably dude dude that movie was so fucking funny yeah man that was definitely one of the some people don't find

that funny though dude they find it like weird and offensive but it's like dude that's hilarious that was that whole movie was gold my wife watched this movie

called Alice Alice uh in Wonderland no Alice in Wonderland. No, Alice in Wonderland. What was that? Through the Looking Glass? Fucking Sacha Baron Cohen's in that movie. Yeah, man. He's like the time

keeper or some shit. He's a fucking genius. Have you seen the new show he has out or he had out? Not anymore, but... Which one? I can't remember the name of it, dude. It's a little old now. He would go undercover and like... No, I know what you mean now.

Yeah. Yeah, no, I didn't get to see that yet. Dude. Is it? Really? Yeah, man. It's mind-blowing. Is it?

I'll have to check it out. Craziest thing I've ever seen in my life, man. What would you do if you were somewhere and a guy came up to you and it was Sacha Baron Cohen, would you be able to pick him out? Yeah. Easily. Yeah?

Yeah. He dresses up as like a, like an Israeli, like militant. Yes. Yes. Yes. I'd definitely be able to pick him out.

You'd be able to pick one. You'd be as Sacha Baron Cohen. And it turns out it's the guy that Donald Trump just killed and it's not. Yeah. Yeah? Honestly, I'm almost 100% sure I'd be able to pick him out.

That's pretty fun. I've seen so many movies with him. Yeah? Yeah. He has a British accent. Wait, is he from Britain? Yeah, somewhere. Is he?

Somewhere, like, somewhere fucking over there. Yeah. His wife is that redhead chick from Wedding Crashers. Isn't that? It's one of them. There's two actors, dude, that look the exact same. One of them. Have you seen Wedding Crashers?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know exactly which one. You know the redhead chick? Yeah, she says she lost. That's either his wife or there's another girl who looks exactly like her. Yeah, I remember Vince Fallon was on the beach with her and she's like, oh, I just lost my virginity here. Yeah.

Oh, dude, she's so hot, though. She was very hot. hot shit she was i'm pretty sure that's his wife though yeah and she's like wicked cool with everything he does yeah awesome man now when you get a girlfriend something that you're gonna have to think about is if your girlfriend's cool with you doing comedy you think so yeah like i am very fortunate that my wife is very cool with some of the stuff i say on stage because on stage i talk about us fucking on stage you say some fucked up stuff i say some bad shit i yeah and she's totally okay with it and i've done the wicked funny productions podcast and i was talking about fucking on that podcast yeah and she was cool about it really yeah some girls get weird private about that that is pretty cool though yeah she is a champ she knows

that it's for the show you know it's for it's for the show yeah i mean a lot of girls my age man like i've never met a girl who's like really into stand-up though no that that'll that'll never be a thing but they'll be into you yeah well some dude i've heard some girls are like pretty you know pretty into stand-up they're into art and what we do is art at the end of the day it is art so they will appreciate art subjective but you know yeah i mean me and you are talking about like farts and stuff so yeah art it's still art beautiful farts all right right but they'll appreciate it because it's something that you're into. Yeah.

I was talking to this wicked hot chick. Not really talking to her. Just messaging her. And I just didn't open mic. And I was like, well, yeah, I just bombed. And she was like, bombed what? I was like, you think I blew up a fucking door? She couldn't even put the pieces together.

It'd be so fucking funny if you... I sent her a picture, too, at the comedy club. I was like, just bombed. She couldn't wrap her head around it. It'd be so fucking funny if you... I sent her a picture, too, at the comedy club. I was like, just bombed. Like, she couldn't wrap her head around it. It'd be so fucking funny if you just left it unread. I did. For like a while. I haven't talked to her since.

Wow. Yeah. Oh, why would I respond to that? I'm not going to explain that to her. Well, that's... You should explain that to her. Why? Because you might get laid out.

She deserved that. Because you might get laid out of it. I don't want to talk to a chick who doesn't know what bombing means in comedy. Or who can't put the pieces together when I send her a picture. Yeah, but, you know, my wife tells me work shit. My wife's a nurse. She tells me work shit all the time. I have no clue.

Dude, she must like... Dude, my friend, he went to the urgent care down the road. And he said, like, the nurses there were just, like, wicked fucking hot, dude. Yeah, my wife is really... My wife is an attractive woman woman but there are other nurses that are all hot they're all hot yeah yeah my wife comes home with fucking gross stories shit girl i was working tonight and it was this big vagina and i had to stick my fist in it i'm like why why first all, we're at Carrabba's, so you might want to tone it down a little bit. Oh, my God. She's sticking her hands in vaginas?

Yeah, because she had to do a catheterization on this vagina or something. Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, my God. She's like, I picked up the fat roll and stuck my hand in the vagina. And I'm like, oh, my God, dude. Don't tell me this shit. Yeah. Tell me more of this shit.

They always put up, like, memes of, like, nurses crying. Mm-hmm. Oh, my God. That shift was so hard. Dude, she'll come home and tear sometimes. Then they'll watch, like, Grey's Anatomy. No, mine doesn't watch any. Mine doesn't.

Dude, mine doesn't live. Mine works third shift. She sleeps during the day. Sleeps during the day. Works third shift. Sleeps during the day. Works third shift. Three days a week. Three days a week.

Three days a week. Yep. And she works her dick off. Yeah. She is a champ. Does she have a big dick? No. No.

But she works her dick off. And I just wanted you to say yeah. Yeah. So I could put up a clip on Facebook. No, dude. Her friend Sarah has the biggest dick. We talked about this. Sarah's dick is like. Oh, God, dude. Yeah, dude. Hope Sarah watches, dude. Her friend Sarah has the biggest dick. We talked about this. Sarah's dick is like...

Oh, God, dude. Yeah, dude. Hope Sarah watches, man. Oh, I'm going to send this to Sarah. Funny, at my wedding, the videographer, we were in this closed room in between taking a break. Between the reception and the dinner. Or the... Sorry, the ceremony and the dinner. or the the sorry the ceremony and the dinner and we're in this room and i'm drunk already and i'm like yelling at sarah i'm like sarah

sarah dude what do you like when you're drunk though oh i'm a fucking you're right are you nice oh yeah no i'm fun i'm like are'm like... Are you, like, fun and, like, happy? I'm fun and happy. You just, like, run and stuff everywhere. No, I'm fun and happy. Yelling at the TV. Fun and happy. I'm having a good time. Yeah. Do you drink before...

That always creeps me out, though, dude. What? Like, people who are, like, wicked nice and pert, like, when they're sober and, like, jolly and then get drunk. And then mean drunks? Yeah, dude. Because that's what they really are. Yeah.

That's that real motherfucker. That's what you do. That's that real motherfucker. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's that real motherfucker. That that real motherfucker that's that real motherfucker that's what i'm saying do you drink before shows no i don't even do it i don't even like i don't you don't drink at all you don't drink i don't get drunk okay but i do i've learned a lesson recently not to drink before shows yeah man yeah i mean you'll you'll think uh i've

drinking before a show before and yeah yeah man you'll think you I've drank in before, a show before. Yeah. Yeah, man. You'll think you're doing great, but externally – It's bad. It's bad. I had a few drinks before my birthday show, and I get up on stage, and I lost my place, and I was very – and now I don't drink nothing before a show. Yeah, you want your mind to be straight. You got to be straight.

It helps a lot of comedians, man, if they just have one beer before shows. Yeah. But if you're like an alcoholic, you know, it's probably... Yeah, no, I had like four or five double Jack and Cokes. Really? Oh, I was fucking... They have double Jack and Cokes? Yeah, you just, it's a double shot.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. So I would never drink before a show again. Yeah, man. I went out last, like I had one beer last night. Yeah. I mean, just fine.

That's not bad. Just had one Heineken, you know bad It's not bad, that's perfect But I mean honestly man I didn't really notice too much of it There's a big difference If you go and get shitted Going out sober though man Worst time

Like partying or stand up? Like partying Yeah But I mean dude, I've noticed on stage if i'm uh you know if i'm you know straight-minded i don't drink a lot anymore you know don't do any drugs man like i can put myself in a deep hole and get myself out yeah like last night i was like uh usually like before i go to shows about guard this order these are the jokes i'm gonna tell yeah in this sequential order last night i mixed I mixed everything around, and I was like, how can I put this puzzle together?

Yeah. And it worked because I have a straight mind. You know what I mean? Yeah. How was the room? Was the room busy? It was like half full. That's excellent.

For a late show. Yeah, man. That's fantastic. Yeah, man. Not bad. Could have been a lot worse. Who else was on the show? You, Andrew Williams.

And then two other guys I've never met before. Oh. One of them was really, the host was a very funny man. He was hilarious. You remember his name? No. Oh. I'll follow him after this, though.

Okay. I told him I'd follow him. Yeah? Well, he told me he'd add me on Facebook, but I'll probably just end up following him. That's cool. He did a good job, though, man. He has a Boston accent. He's really funny.

That's great. Have you noticed that there's a lot of really fantastic comedians around yeah yeah damn it the competition is fucking stiff it's unreal just one hard cock yeah there's so many so much so much local talent and every time i feel like every time we do a show we meet a new group of comedians or at least i do we meet a new group of comedians. Or at least I do. I meet a new group of maybe six comedians, and they're all fantastic. Yeah, man. A lot of funny people, man. And they're all very nice people.

Some of them, yeah. Yeah, but that's the thing, man. It's like I always want people to do good. Yeah. But sometimes you meet people who want you to bop. Yeah. They're fucking assholes. Yeah.

You know what I mean? But you're not going to make it, man, if you're going to act like that. Yeah. You know what I mean? So, like, man, I'm always rooting for people. Oh, I like to see everyone do well. I think it's fucked up, though. If I see someone who's just like, yeah, I want this person to fucking eat shit.

Yeah. It's like, dude, you're a fucking dick. I haven't met anyone like that. I've met a few, man. Especially when I started, man. It's like. Are they still doing comedy or are they going? I can think of a few now, too.

Oh, shit. We got a name drop? No no i mean dude it's just like you kind of need those people to motivate you yeah yeah and i feel like as a well as a person in comedy i feel like it's a community i know it's not a team sport but i know yeah it's definitely not like everyone gets a trophy. No, but like we're not like we're not a team. Like we're all kind of individual people. Yeah. But you want to see the community thrive and you want to see it grow and you want to see people be able to move forward. Yeah, man.

I mean, when I walk into a show, everyone thinks I'm just going to whip out like an AK-47 and like a blind fire at the ceiling. A little bit. Yeah. A little bit. But like deep down, I'm like, hey, what's going on, everyone? I got my Starbucks coffee. You know, I'm relaxed, ready to go. Ready i'm relaxed ready to go ready to go people laugh you know right all you do well because we're all in this for the same goal we want to make people laugh we want to have a good time that's what's great about comedy though it's like every like comedians are so different from like regular people you know what i mean yes so if someone

sees me they're gonna have like a first judgment call which is like all right i'm gonna stay away from him he scares me a little bit we should when i go judgment call, which is like, alright, I'm going to stay away from him. He scares me a little bit. And then when I go up on stage, it's like, oh, alright. It's okay. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I hope that's what it's like. You know what I mean? Ah, man.

The first time I met you, I don't remember where we were. Probably Mohegan. Was it Mohegan or was it Comedy Connection? Either one. It had to be. I thought it was Comedy Connection. I thought we were both on a... No, it was Mohegan

Yeah that was the first show we did together And then we talked at Raffle House And then we did a show at Mohegan Comedy Connection and we had that charity show And uh I thought you were fantastic You know You were fantastic our first show

Yeah I'm just saying like in terms of like My personality though you know what I mean Like I'm not really a dick. You know what I mean? I've never really been a dick to anyone. No. Yeah, no.

I think we have to go in the comedy world I think we have to go out of our way to be overly nice. Not overly nice, man. But friendly. Yeah, man.

I mean, I'm definitely honest but like in terms of like wanting people to do good. Yeah, we always want to see each other do good. Yeah. Yeah, I never want to see someone go up there

and eat shit. Yeah. It is kind of funny but it's like i think it's hilarious when i eat shit man do you feel like you kind of have to laugh at yourself yeah sometimes yeah it's traumatizing at the same time like you have to say to yourself that happened and i have to be able to make fun of yourself and like fail and just be like yes yes get him next time man yep yep you have to fucking pick yourselves up and keep going. Those are the best shows I've ever had, man. Just eating shit. Really?

I'm like, oh, I should fucking quit, man. Like, I'm not going to make it. And then the next show, it's like the best show ever. It's the best show ever. It's the best feeling. Maybe I should be doing this. And then the next day, you fucking bomb again. And you're like, alright, well.

Up and down, up and down, up and down. Yeah, peaks and valleys, man. Yeah, man. Well, I can honestly say i've never seen you bomb i thought you were always fantastic every show we've done do i mean uh i mean open mic's not really bombing but yeah those man those are traumatizing dude i've never done one what open mics do you hit i mean i never used to hit open mics man but as recently man been hitting like two a week.

Wow. And, yeah, man, I need to fucking ramp those numbers up. Where do you go? The Salon. Yeah. I've been to the WIC a few times. The WIC, I hear that's a great one. I've been going to Boston a lot, though, recently, man.

There's a lot of mics over there. Is there a lot of mics up there? Yeah, man. It's all on Facebook, dog. Yeah, I know. What is that? The Rhode Island open mic, and then there's the Worcester Comedy. Yeah.

Yeah, there's not a... There's a surplus, man. There's definitely opportunities out there. Absolutely. Yeah, man. Yeah. So... You got the time, dude?

You got to fucking bounce, or... How do I know what time it is? No, I'm making good time. Making good time. Yeah. But yeah, man, you got to go to open mics, man. You remind me of myself. Yeah.

I know you don't go, but. I don't go. I don't like. You don't like it? Well, for me, it would be very, I hate to say this. It would be difficult for me to do this. For multiple reasons. A, most of the time, most open mics are not handicap friendly.

I feel. At least, like, maybe one I went to. Two, I work six days a week. So for me to get out to do an open mic would be a really big commitment. Because I do have to be at the garage for 6 45 in the morning so i would have to be like and it would be i would have to get out of work at five drive to coventry and then drive back to providence it's not that bad man oh stop it dude i wake up at five yeah go to the gym yeah go to work till five what do you do for work i work at citizens bank oh do you yeah which one the one down the road oh really yeah so i mean dude like i i make time man

you know what i'm saying i know dude i used to be like you i used to be like yeah fuck over mics man like i don't need that like it's not gonna help me but no i don't think it's not i think it would help me and i think it's like the gym a lot I just, I don't know. Yeah, I mean it's like fucking going to a game without even practicing. Yeah. But. I'll get on it eventually. Yeah, you should man. Don't fucking wait.

I use my garage as an open mic. Dude, I do the same thing man. I'll tell the customers jokes. My process has been I have like a boom box right there and I have a mic that's attached to it, man. And I'll just write and tell jokes to the wall or my dogs. Yeah. But then I still go to open mics and like, you know.

Feel it out. Learn how to do that joke. It fucking sucks, man. It's terrible. Yeah. But then, dude, when you go to an actual show, man, like Friday, I was just like, wow, this is actually paying off, man. Especially in terms of like eye contact, thinking through things, like speaking clearer. Yeah.

Yeah, man, it definitely helps. But dude, it's fucking painful, man. I understand. It's not even like once I'm at the open mic, it's not even that painful, but it's just like getting myself to travel there. It's like one of the hardest things in the world. Yeah, the heaviest weight is the front door situation. Yeah, but once you're there, man, it's like 90% of it's honestly just showing up. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I understand. I'm just saying, man. You're probably not going to go. No. You're never going to go. No. I don't know.

I probably will. I want to go to the Wicked Inn Pub. I like Kirsten a lot. I like Frank a lot. I'd like to go support that mic at some point. Probably do that. Maybe I'll do that next week. Yeah.

I mean, dude, it's even like I've been going twice a week, and people are like, you should be going five times a week. And I'm like, well, I've got to ramp up my, you know. Yeah, man. No. five times a week and I'm like, I got to ramp up my... Yeah, man. People don't know this, man,

but you work... Are you like a partial owner of the battery shop? So it's a family business. So... In terms of like the documentation for the business? No, not that far out. I mean, I'm third in line.

I'm the third generation so i will inherit it one day but my grandfather's still there my father's still there my mother's there my aunt's there and we all work we all work together and it's been like that for many i've been there since i've been 12 years old really yeah you know like you know cars inside and out inside and out anything you want to know. You should fix my truck then, dude. Yeah, dude. Made an attempt once. I said made an attempt once.

What did you think when you saw my truck? You were like, oh, this thing's fucked? You would tell me though, right? I would tell you. I walked around the back of the truck and I saw it had the fucking flames on it. Yeah. Now, I like custom cars.

Yeah. But, man, the flames are tough. Really? I think it's a little tough. Damn. I like the flames, man. You like the flames? I'm not getting rid of them.

No, the skulls. The skulls I want to get rid of. The skulls I would find another tailgate. Yeah. Just, that's all you need. It's just another tailgate. You have to paint it, dude. No. Just go in and it, dude. No.

Just go in and salvage it. Find a truck that's the same color as that truck and just take the tailgate off. You think so? Actually, I think that guy would probably trade you for the tailgate that you have. Hook me up. Probably do it for free. Hook it up, dude. I'll find you one right after this.

At most, it'll cost you $85. Yeah. You think, so how did you learn about like uh vehicles though like were you just like always around them always around them i was always around cars to like new generation of vehicles you just learn as you go and it's more difficult no it's really it's really simple as you go and it's really quite the same thing just in a different way um so i really like cars i really like like i like muscle cars a lot i grew up around muscle cars i can tell you anything you want to know about 60s

muscle cars for whatever reason but we don't that's not a play you know anything you learn from those cars not the same as today's cars so on today there's a lot of computers there's a lot of onboard diagnostics a lot of shit like that and it makes it a lot easier in some ways yeah um but you know i like cars that's like my thing you're like a chevy guy though i am a gm guy yes i am a why my father worked in a chevrolet dealership for many years my mother met my father in a chevrolet dealership. It's always been a thing. My favorite NASCAR driver has always driven Chevrolets. It's always been a big thing for me. You like Dodges, though?

I don't mind Dodges at all. I don't mind any cars. I know seriousness. I was at Dunkin' Donuts, and I was in the drive-thru, and the guy in front of me was driving a Ford Ranger, dude, like one of those lesbian cars, like the small ones. He had a sticker on the back that says, I would rather push my Ford than step in a Dodge.

Yeah. I was like, wow. Yeah. That's fucked. Yeah. I don't get the people, like the Ford versus Chevy. That's a big thing. Isn't Ford like going bankrupt?

No, no. They'll always have their problems. But like, okay, Mustang people. If you talk to a guy that owns a Mustang, he'll always talk shit about guys in Camaros. Oh, that's a big thing. It's like Yankees versus Red Sox. You think Camaros and Mustangs are kind of overrated? No, I think they are what they are.

And I think that there's guys that put a lot of work into their cars, and they kind of go above them. Nothing's worse than the Subaru guys. Like the WRX? Oh, my God. They go over the... Them and Volkswagen people. Oh, yeah. Like, I can appreciate any car.

I can walk up. And if you put work into it, I can appreciate it. But the Volkswagen people are fucking horrible. Really? Oh, my God. They get excited about the dumbest shit. Like what?

They be like, oh, check out that golf over there that has those wheels on it. You've never seen one with those wheels on it. Volkswagen's are pretty cheap though, right?

They're cheap, but they're junk cars. Is it a German car though? Yeah, throw it away. Fucking throw them away. Well, German engineering is like top notch though. Yeah, dude.

BMW, great car. One of the fastest cars I've ever been in was a... What was that that fucking mclaren thing you got a mclaren i've gotten a mclaren uh p1 there's a p1 yep um i've been in the hellcat the dodge demon the real fast dodge challenger um i've been in all kinds of cars. Yeah. The fastest car I've ever been in, in my life, was a 2002 Camaro SS.

That was a race car. Really? Yeah, someone put a big block in it. Big block engine, yeah. Big block engine. And it had a roll cage and everything, and it was an 8-second car. So that means it can do the quarter mile in an eight-second period. Really?

It was insane. Is it true that some cars blow up because of nitrous? Oh, yeah. Well, not like what you see in a movie. Have you ever been in a car with nitrous? I have, yeah. It scares the shit out of me. Yeah, and the guy's like, oh, I'm going to hit it.

And you're like, did you do it yet? Like, what happened? Yeah, but sometimes don't they catch on fire? That could happen in any situation. Really? Yeah. Yeah, I've never seen a car catch on fire because of nitrous. Like, I've seen NASCARs flip over and catch fire as they go.

Yeah, it's just fuel line or whatever. It happens. I always think my truck's going to catch on fire. I would too. Yeah. Because of the flames. The flames. Yeah.

Dude, Jeff Gordon in the 90s, he had like a rainbow paint scheme and everyone used to call him gay. Really? Yeah. And he had a rainbow, like rainbow, it was like DuPont and they wanted to show off all their different paints. Yeah. And then he went to a flame car.

I'm like, why would he do that? I'm just going to call him a flamer. Dude, the first day I got my truck, it was like the first week. And I was in high school. I was a junior in high school. And I had like $1,200 chrome rims on the thing. Yep. And I felt like the coolest person in the world.

Oh, dude. If I was in high school, that truck would be a badass truck to be in high school. I thought it was going to eat so much pussy, dude. And I remember rolling up to school and I had the subwoofers in it, too. Yep. So I was just blasting ghetto music. What were you blasting? Work.

I don't know what that is. Really? It's by, I don't know, Wicked Black Song, though. Okay. Ghetto, dude. Yeah? Work. Work?

Who is it by? Oh, I don't even know, man. Rih don't know man rihanna no work work work work no it's like gucci down to the fucking i don't know yeah that was a great yeah that's a good impersonation yeah just like that tv show you were explaining to me earlier was it uh what are they even saying it i don't know man so you rolled off to school thinking you're all beasts. Flame truck. Flame rims. Skulls on the back.

We came out engine. Cold air intake, dude. Yeah. Blasting the subwoofers. Thought I was like the coolest guy in the world. Then like I think the next week I went to, I was like, oh, I'm going to try off-roading in this thing. Yeah.

That'll ruin a wheel. Yeah. So I'm off-roading and I'm like legitimately going like 30 miles an hour over like hefty bumps. Yeah, that'll ruin a wheel. Yeah. So I'm off-roading, and I'm, like, legitimately going, like, 30 miles an hour over, like, hefty bumps. Yeah, dude. Like a fucking idiot, dude. And a rock shoots up into my transmission pan. Oh. It snaps in half, and I'm continuously driving with it on.

Like, I don't even know it fell off. Oh. So I'm driving down the road, and I just stall out. Yeah. And I pull over, and it's just like. Oh, pissing fucking fluid out the bottom. Yeah. And then my friend was like, oh, like you just blew your tranny pan.

I was like, what does that even mean? Yeah, dude. So we had to go to Dodge, like the dealership. The Mopar dealership. Yeah. And buy glue for it. Tried gluing it back on. Yeah.

Put more fluid in and it was just too late. It was done. Had to get a whole new transmission. Yeah. Dodge is, Chryslerers are known for transmission issues. Yeah. So to add that insult to injury of fucking blowing it out

and running out of fluid. It's just me being an idiot, though. Like, when you get a car like that, it's kind of like, like, just like, you know, it's like instinctual. It's like, oh, let's go, like, off-roading. Especially, I was like 16, too,

so I was like... Yeah, dude, I had an S10 Extreme, which, like, a lowered pickup truck. It was really badass looking. Like, it had a body kit on it. It had an S10 Extreme, which is like a lowered pickup truck. It was really badass looking. It had a body kit on it. It had side eggs exhaust, racing seats with the harnesses that fucking went over your shoulders and through your crotch. And I got stopped doing 119 miles an hour in a 45. Really?

Oh, my God. Fucking officer's like, can you get out of the car? And I'm like, let me get my walker. And he's like, what? So out of the car? And I'm like, let me get my walker. And he's like, what? So he writes it. He writes the ticket. He's like, you got to go to court. So I roll into court with my walker.

And the judge is like, that truck couldn't have done 119. And I'm like, no, sir. My hand control got stuck. I was very scared. He's like, oh, don't worry about it, Tyler. And I'm like, thank you so much. Dude, I never use my handicap as a fucking

excuse. Except for that situation. Except in the court of law. But I was gonna get a fucking felony? Yeah, let's bring that shit out. Hand to God. Put your hand over the Bible. Dude, it was scary. Yeah, 119. I wouldn't out. Hand to God. Yeah. Put your hand over the Bible. Dude, it was scary. Yeah, 119.

I wouldn't even be able to see. Oh, dude, it was intense. I was 19 years old. Really? I was 19. It sounds, everything feels different, sounds different. Really? Yeah, dude, it was crazy.

Were you rock hard? No. Really? I was racing my friend who had a fucking PT Cruiser. How does that not blow up? It wasn't even a contest. No. Really? I was racing my friend who had a fucking PT Cruiser. Yeah, dude. How does that not blow up? It wasn't even a contest. I was gone.

Yeah. Oh, man. Oh, it was crazy. Yeah, that is crazy, man. Yeah. That's nuts, dude. It was cool. Yeah.

Well, dude, I mean, this has been fun, man. Yeah. Thank you for having me. Thanks for having me, dude. I appreciate you coming, dude. Yeah. It's been a few weeks, you know, in the making, but that's kind of how all of this has been, man yeah thank you for having me I appreciate you coming dude yeah it's been a few weeks you know in the making

but that's kind of how all of this has been you know yeah thanks for taking your time to come over man oh anytime dude yeah

different perspective man I'm gonna go enjoy my Chinese now yeah dude