The Johnny Salami Podcast - Whalen

Episode Date: November 22, 2020

Sit back and enjoy my first ever conversation with Andrew Whalen. We talk a lot about having tits as a young adolescent, Andrew's broadcasting aspirations, and thick chicks.

Got this gallon jug, dude, on Amazon. It has the little level thing on the side, right? Yeah, it motivates you, dude. It's like 7 a.m., morning come. What's going on, everyone? Welcome to a new episode of the Johnny Salami Podcast. Today's guest is Andrew Whalen. Andrew, thanks for coming, man.

I appreciate you having me on. We've never had a full-on conversation, so this should be fucking interesting. I think I might have waved to you at the track a couple times and said hey really that might be the extent did i say anything back probably you might have farted that might have been the extent yeah no i felt bad i was thinking about it i was like i've never even talked to andrew and like do we go way back man like we were always near each other but we just like i mean we were kind of opposites you know like dude your confidence was off the charts man and i was kind of like suicidal like you know, like, dude, your confidence was off the charts, man. And I was kind of like suicidal, like, you know. Yeah.

Complete opposites. Yeah, it's understandable. We were always kind of near each other. Yeah, we had a lot of friends, like, in common, but we were never, we never hung out. We still do. I didn't even realize that. Yeah. To be honest with you.

Yeah. A lot of, but yeah, man, this is cool. I mean, I'm sure it'll be fine. That's what, I mean, I think I'm pretty easygoing. And what I've seen from you, I don't think we're going to have an issue. Yeah, I mean, dude, like, I have people on who I've never talked to before, too, and I, like, expect some stuff, but some stuff, I'm like, yeah, you threw me off guard there. Let's hope there's no awkwardness. I think that's the, you know.

I mean, everything I say usually makes people pretty awkward. That's fair. I think you just have to push through it. At least I'm not a chick you're trying to bang. That would just be. Yeah, that would be good. I'm curious. I mean, everything I say usually makes people pretty awkward. That's fair. I think you just have to push through it. At least I'm not a chick you're trying to bang. That would just be. Yeah, that would be good. I'm curious. I mean, you never know, dude.

I'm curious how you go about picking chicks up. I really want to know. This is one thing I've known for a while, being a comedian. Like, how do you go about picking up chicks, bro? I don't. No? Okay. It's been a few years now.

Okay. So, I mean, honestly, man, like, talking you played baseball in college when I was when I was like in college, you or I like my goal. Like, I don't usually tell people this, but like I left there like to play baseball. But, dude, I just wanted to play baseball like to get pussy. Yep. Like I thought I'd be lining chicks up like on the freeway, dude, just letting it fucking hang. But I mean, it didn't end up that way. but that was like my perception of baseball players like i always thought chicks were in the outfield like with their gopros yeah you know what i'm saying i had

a girl in college once tell me that she liked the way my baseball pants look on me but she liked them better when they're on her bedroom floor wow yeah that's aggressive dude it was pretty it was pretty hot i'm not gonna lie i would have i would have written that down. Oh, I did. Really? Yeah. You have it in your notes. I'm just going to put my phone away. You don't need to see that. Yeah, that's honestly what I was going to ask you, though, dude, just playing college

baseball. You must have been tossing some salads, bro. I mean, also, remember, so my first two years in college, I tipped the scales at 335. That's fine, dude. You're not into thick chicks at all? I tipped the scales at 335. That's fine, dude. You're not into thick chicks at all?

That wasn't it, but in Vermont, man, listen, the game is not great. Got some lumberjacks up there? It's rough goings, man. Really? Once we cut away some of the weight, I'm still obviously big, but once we cut away some of the weight, then it got better. I mean, we're both thick, I wouldn't say. We're both athletic, though. Dude, people would be surprised like we could beat a lot of people at

a race oh yeah absolutely easily like some ass fucks you know like some chads i think we could fucking turn it down some kids twirling around the lock stick maybe fuck them up dude yeah hasn't touched the gym since 2014 that's what i'm saying dude yeah no i agree yeah uh i mean you dude you're a savage though i see you on the you know throwing up stories on the ig and stuff dude you're shredded now well i'm still thick no i'm definitely thick well you're, dude, you're a savage, though. I see you throwing up stories on the IG and stuff. Dude, you're shredded now. Well, I'm still thick. No, I'm definitely thick. Well, you're thick, but you're muscular thick.

I take off my shirt, and I can still watch my stomach jiggle. I feel like you're getting your way down to a six-pack. But, dude, it doesn't even matter. That's what I've realized, man. I could have a six-pack be shredded. It doesn't even matter, man, Cause I don't have any confidence. You know what I'm saying? Like chicks are like,

I'd love to go out with you. I'm like, no, you wouldn't. You know what I mean? Like I've actually like told girls that I'm like, you, you don't know who I am.

I feel like that makes them want you more though. Right? Yeah. Well, the other thing is like a lot of people get hookups from like, uh, what's it called? Like wingman,

like, like how I met your mother type things. Like, have you met John? Like, but like people with me are kind of like, you know, John, like used to light his farts on fire right and the girl's like i gotta go like that's literally happened before like i've been talking like maybe like a solid nine ten and my friends like literally told them that and they're like yeah like i literally

need to go so it's unfortunate man but i feel like going back to baseball like dude if you're like yeah like i play college baseball like chicks are automatically going to be like i want that shit yeah i'm saying yeah no you're not wrong listen man i i'm not over here racking up bodies like it's no one's business but you know it does have its perks i'll tell you that you know i you know i had a good time in college let's put it that way i don't know i'm sorry that it didn't translate to you um but i mean it is what it is you know i still got farts and stuff. Yeah. It's fine.

Obviously, it's working out for you. I don't have any. I mean, I have some self-pity. You know, like, I'll listen to, like, Avril Lavigne at night, you know, cry a little bit. It's a classic, bro. I got a whole playlist for that. Yeah, it's a good time, man. You know what I mean?

But, yeah, surprisingly, I mean, I guess it's surprising. You know, it's been a few years since I've, you know, sliced it up, if you know what I'm saying. No, I understand. But you got to remember your best friend, what I'm saying no I understand you gotta remember your best friend Jill Palmer's always there for you man okay yeah dude honestly man like sometimes I'd rather just spank than even like hook up with some chicks oh absolutely you know what I mean yeah you don't got to go through the whole process like 10 minutes you're in and out you're sleeping yeah I don't want to I don't want a hand job from some chick with like uh fucking you know

scoliosis and like uh you know stuff on her hands you know what i'm saying like i will say though i mean like are you into like thick chicks like i'm not talking about fat chicks i'm talking about like thick oh i mean that's a layup then yeah of course not even a layup dude it's a good conversation i feel like because they actually have feelings you know what i mean that's fair yeah they also don't like you know they don't have like sex as much too so i feel like they're willing to do crazy shit, dude. I've seen some thick chicks do wild stuff. You know what I'm saying?

Can you explain to me a little bit? Because I'm kind of curious now because I haven't gone there at this point. Dude, I had a thick chick over. I think I was a junior in college. I lived with two other dudes in Narragansett. Dude, I made a chick squirt. It was the funniest thing in the world. Dude, I was laughing so hard.

And she just wasn't even face-titting. I was so proud of myself, dude. But she was thick, dude. Dude, her tits were so big. Like, at the bar, they were, like, hanging out of a bra. I can't stand up now. So, you can't do this to me, man's fine dude just let it happen but but like when we were at the bar like my friends were like dude you're not gonna do that are you and i was like i'm gonna do it like you could see some guys

were like i respect that you know what i mean yeah i just feel like i deserve more respect for just like making the sacrifice you know what i'm saying listen you are just a soldier on the battlefield right now and you really laid down your life for a lot of other people you really just have to make sacrifices out there dude and i'm telling you dude like i try to convince people like thick chicks man like they'll do things you haven't seen before it's better than some other chick who's just like lining them up you know it doesn't i want some i want some passion hd you know what i'm saying yeah that's fair yeah i get that yeah but dude's in Vermont, though, the college you went to?

It was. I knew, like, one of you guys went to a college. It was in the middle of nowhere. 30 minutes from Canada. Right around there. Dude, Sam McQuaid went to a college that was kind of in the middle of nowhere, too. He was down in Maryland, though. I thought he was in Baltimore, no?

Or is it somewhere in Maryland? I don't even know, man. He tells me all the time. I'm like, that's cool, man. Sam, I love Sam. He's just so technical with what he talks. He confuses me with big words, man. Do you ever get high with Sam?

Hell no. I'm not a big smoker. Yeah, me neither, but back in the day. Oh, God. I can imagine you and Quay lighting it up then. No, dude. We got high with some kids probably back in high school. It was probably the same kids that I know.

They were like, we got to go. Because they were so high, and Sam was talking like the spaceship he's building the backyard and they were like yeah like we gotta go i've heard stories about he just told me like he like he would rip the bong behind the dugout some games i was like dude that's that's another level i mean he now he did play clubs so i don't know if that has yeah they were probably that's still wild. They were probably ripping bong on the mound. Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised. That's his version of the kid from, what's the, god, the Keanu Reeves movie with all the kids, the inner city kids.

Bad News Bears? No, no, no. No, it's, oh my god, it's the baseball movie. It's like, I love it when you call me Big Papa. You know, the kid can only pitch when he's listening to Biggie? That's Quaid, but on the mound with a bong.

He has to rip the bong and then he can pitch. Was it like the Indians? It was like a Native American name. Yeah. I can't remember. I know what you're talking about. God, I can't remember.

It's the Keanu Reeves movie. It's all the inner city kids. Isn't the movie where the pitcher comes out to wild thing? No, that's... No. That's all the inner city kids. Isn't the movie where the pitcher comes out to wild thing? No, that's... No. That's... Oh, my God.

For a baseball player, I have the worst baseball movie recollection of all time. I have the worst memory in general, dude. That's fair. I think I know what you're talking about. You know the kids singing on the mound, like, I love it when you come in big. And he starts, like, dicing kids up. Yeah, yeah. That's Quade, but he just needs to bong.

And all of a sudden, he's just, like, the best pitcher on the planet. I probably. Yeah. That's what it seems. I've never, I mean, when we trained, Quade couldn't get high because our coach was a psycho. I don't know if you remember Idris. Yeah, well, I trained once with you guys in the winter.

Oh, yeah. So, you know, you couldn't. Definitely didn't say anything during that because I was definitely scared of. I would. Yeah. Yeah. Idris, the first time I met met him scared the shit out of me at lincoln high school my first summer playing baseball with him he made me go to fat camp

every wednesday morning at seven o'clock what's that you just run he literally just made me run on the track for like four hours dude that's awesome i was the only person there by the way really yeah dude that's awesome though that he went out of his way to like oh i know i'd fucking kill for that dude to fucking start my own fat camp, dude. I'm first one to sign up, so I'll run it with you. I'll not run it with you. I'll run it with you. I would have fucking gone. They used to tell me that shit all the time, dude.

They'd be like, you're not a pitcher, man. You can't have double Ds and pitch. And I'm like, dude, watch this shit. I'll fucking. Dude, I remember you pitching back in Babe Ruth back in the day. You scared the shit out of me. I think I scared the shit out of most kids. You throw a fastball in my eyes and all of a sudden I'm like out of the box and just three in a row and I'm just walking back I think I dude I was thinking about this earlier

like I was making like an egg sandwich and I was like I think I used to fucking hate you like when you played each other dude because I think you played for the Rockies or something I did and uh oh my god you were both really big dude yeah so like I think when we played like I think everyone thought it was like a rivalry yeah but yeah dude Yeah. So, like, I think when we played, like, I think everyone thought it was, like, a rivalry. Yeah. But, yeah, dude, I think I fucking hated you, man. Oh. Like, when we were up against each other.

Because it was either, like, I'd strike you out or you'd hit, like, a home run. And it was just so emotional, man. Yeah. I just couldn't handle it. Eight-year-olds. I could see that. You know, honestly, I don't blame you. People were so amped up, dude.

I don't blame you. Yeah. Okay. I was probably a pretty hateable kid. I mean, you used to hit fucking ropes, dude. So, I think that's why I hated you. That's fair. I was like, this kid's fucking good.

Like, because I think I was so used to just striking everyone out. Yeah. You's why I hated you I was like this kid's fucking good like because I think I was so used to just striking everyone out yeah you know what I mean I think we were both yeah whenever like because we were both pitchers

we were both hitters yeah we did the strike everyone out but there was always like that one kid who could hit off a unit and be like I fucking hate this kid man

why can't you just let me have it I got a name drop we'll see if you remember this you ever heard Josh Delanoid you remember him I've heard of the name

yeah he was 12 when we were 8 and he was still playing in minors. That makes sense. That's like Mike Aviani from the Orioles. That makes sense. Familiar, too. Dude, he was like 40 in minors.

Yeah. He's got his wife and kids on the sidelines, like waving to them as he takes his truck. He was literally undercover, man. He was hitting three home runs a game. Yeah. Kids are still in minors. Yeah. He was literally injecting horse tranquilizers in the outfield like everyone was like all right well

we'll just let it happen because it was entertaining dude yeah one game dude he hit the lights at garvin like everyone was just like this isn't even legal yeah like the police station's right there why can't we just send them over like this is fucked but yeah that name sounds really familiar it sounds like um he hit a home run that was like this high off the ground off me when i was eight shattered my confidence for about three months yeah well i mean that bentley he was a lot four years older than he was five years older than me wow i was a little little pudgy eight-year-old up there with the sports glasses oh so he hit it on the big field he he hit the fence going to the big field like over the small fence it hit that fence on it was like a golf shot. Really? Yeah. It was bad.

He was like my height now when he was playing. That's fucked up, man. It was tough. You know what makes me happy, though, is all those kids, dude, that were that big back then were trash when they were older. Oh, yeah. Fucking garbage, man. Yeah. That's why they were playing against eight-year-olds.

Yeah. Because they couldn't do it against their kids their own age. Yeah, but a lot of the kids who weren't that good back then, you see them later on, you're like, wow, dude, you've changed, man changed man yeah which is good to see but i still see those dudes playing on the softball field sometimes like the tuesday thursday nights yeah damn you guys are still playing huh yeah man but honestly dude that was like kind of why i like went into baseball i was like dude if i can just like have that on my resume i feel like i'll be lining chicks up didn't work out that way but i but I mean, you win some, you lose some.

Yeah. No, that's fair. Listen, I honestly, I mean, I think again, it didn't quite, I don't think it worked out for me as probably as I wanted it to as well, but I'm going to take a successful career in college and I guess call it a day over getting, all you can do is try dude. Yeah. You know, trust me. You look at my DMS, you look at my, my dating applications.

I try. Yeah. Dude, it's all about honesty, man. Like, a year ago, I wasn't even trying. And then someone was like, dude, shoot or shoot, man. Like, you got to try. Then I started trying, dude. Same result.

So, it's all right, though, man. I was hoping for a happy ending there for you. No, dude, I wish, man. I actually got a coffee today from a girl who I sent a message. I was like, hey, would you want to get some drinks and food sometime? And she just didn't even answer. Did she get left on read or did you know if she even saw it? No, she saw it.

It said seen. And then I went to get a coffee today. And you order the coffee and they ask for your name. They asked for my name. I was like, it's over. Just give me your Instagram handle. Remember me? Yeah, that's the worst. I was like, what's your name Just give me your Instagram handle. Like, remember me? Yeah.

That's the worst. When they're like, what's your name? And you're like, oh, fuck. Yeah, I just started crying, dude. You might have got a pity date out of that, honestly. You might have. I wouldn't take that, dude. I want to earn it.

You know what I mean? That's fair. No, I get that. I feel like, dude, nowadays, man, I just, like, if you're willing to take the shot, like, you deserve, like, a result. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you deserve an answer. Like, if a girl messaged me back and was like, you immature as fuck okay i don't think farts are funny i'd be

like i respect the shit out of you but it's the ones who just like never talk to you again you know yeah it's just like come on dude just give me you know give me the honest truth like i can i can take it i probably can't take it but like i can eventually you'll be able to after a couple cry sessions and some you know pints of haagen-dazs you might get through it yeah i mean that'll give you motivation too to like be better you know i mean like i get rejected by a chick i go to the gym and i like pr yeah i take that shit as motivation exactly it's big dude that's big motivation it's nice you break up with a girl bro ah see i'm going right to the gym dude maxing out deadlift you know what i'm saying yeah probably

gonna wear one of my mom's thongs like i'm gonna let it rip dude let that thing get in the crack bro yeah that's all it is man dude when i brought when me and my girlfriend broke up in high school dude i went right to the gym dude deadlifted like 405 i was like 16 dude i was like i gotta do this more often yeah you know what i'm saying but yeah man you want some you lose some yeah but dude some of those guys man who are playing baseball like they're shredding it up bro because they have like they'll do they'll do like glute thrust and stuff you know what i'm saying so they got the ass and that's what the girls i think they're looking for like the baseball butts you know what i'm saying dude it's it's a thing

i'm telling you and you just need you don't even have to like speak english dude to have confidence you just have to be like yo i'm the big swinging dick around here especially you wear tight pants you got the ass you show the bulge off in the front bro it's literally like yeah even if you don't have a thick piece dude if you're showing it with confidence like game yeah oh my god what was it like up there you said there's like uh just nothing pretty much so i think my school's ratio was 70 30 guy to guy to girl, to start. And then of the 30% girls, I think about half were lesbians. So we're working with about 15%, I'd say. And this is, again, northern Vermont.

So, you know, it was tough. It's like way up there? I'm literally like 30 minutes from Canada. Wow. Dude, some Canadian chicks though? I never crossed the border and there wasn't a lot of Canadian chicks

that actually went to school in the States. Is it legal to cross the border? Well, it was until about seven months ago, yeah. If you have a passport. Yeah. So we never made it up there

but all my boys went to Montreal. I've heard some wild stories from Montreal. I don't know. Best strip clubs apparently in the world but I've heard some wild stories of casino nights like 6 a.m mcdonald's runs like dudes getting stabbed i heard canada's the shit but it's just like so cold like it's like you know yeah i mean people just don't want to like

go i mean you can't like go to the beach obviously in canada you might be able to but you'll probably you know scare some people it's got to be only on the coast like think of how much like I guess it's the same with the US that was gonna be a stupid statement I was gonna say like how much like coastline they have like it's not much but

it's really not I've never heard of anyone Canadian going to the beach that's fair they're all just like pale fucking white dude they just stay inside all day yeah but dude

there's some hotties though they must have some like you know some cool clubs and stuff you know I mean you watch Letterkenny at all it's a show on Hulu it's a Canadian comedy really it's really good i think you would enjoy it i wouldn't even mind just going to a tim hortons dude maybe just laying it up on some moms yeah just being like hey i'm not from around here like i think they'll be able to tell by the accent as

soon as you don't hit him with an a or a tim hortons yeah yeah but that would do that would turn me on like a canadian accent oh that would remind me of like robin from how i met your mother dude so i've never watched it man really i'm sorry i'm gonna disappoint you you gotta do it man That would turn me on. Like a Canadian accent. That would remind me of like Robin from How I Met Your Mother, dude. I've never watched it, man. Really? I'm sorry. I'm going to disappoint you. You got to do it, man.

Is it on Netflix? Yeah, it's a pretty old show. I know. I've heard of it. I just never. It'll change your life. Yeah? Yeah.

Even just watching the first one or two episodes, it'll really blow your mind. I mean, listen, I'm out of commission right now, so I got time. I mean, honestly, man, it's better than porn. I will tell you that much. You just blew my mind. When you meet Robin, it's overdue. Fuck. Like, you're just going to be on the couch for the next few months, probably. Okay.

It's not a bad thing. All right. I'm going to put that on my... I'll bookmark that, and I'll let you know. So you're saying, like, 70 to 30, though? That's kind of scary, man. It was our motto at parties were more dicks, less chicks. So you were hanging out with a lot of dudes, though?

Usually it was just baseball nights, honestly. There wasn't a ton of parties up there because all the bars closed like two years in. So it was just a lot of team nights. We'd just hang out and just get hammered in one of our teammates' living rooms. Sounds about right, dude. Listen, the nights, we had a lot of nights just playing Kings, you know, sitting around the table, like, whatever. I feel like that's probably a lot of fun, but after a while, maybe.

I mean, you like to mix it up. I was a little bit more, like, there was a lot of dudes that didn't like to go to parties. Like, I'd find whatever party and just try to go to it because I needed a little bit more social engagement. Yeah, I would just try to get in. You know what I mean? I mean mean there was some weird kids i was hanging out with man you go to the rugby parties in my school rugby and baseball had a huge rivalry at

my school oh yeah we egged their house one year they weren't happy that wasn't me but that's not a good idea it was yeah it was weird so dude i played rugby at uri yeah i used to beat the shit out of kids who weren't on the rugby team that tried to get into the party. They would just beat the fuck out of them. Really? Yeah. But just because I was on the team, I could just go to any of the parties, man. Dude, they would throw mattresses out the window.

It was fucking wild. With people on it? No, just in general. People were outside. Oh, okay. So I think that was the goal, maybe. Oh, I got you. Just hit someone in the face.

With a fucking sleepy mattress. You imagine just having a, taking a piss outside, like just getting hit with a mattress. That would be the dream. Yeah. Never see it coming, I guess. Just like a fucking sleepies commercial. Oh my. Like look how soft this shit is.

Some chicks like in a fucking coma. Memory foam would just dent your head. Your head just like sitting in there. Like, all right, cut. Book it. That's our next one. that on the super bowl yeah i heard a lot of rivalries at school man but yeah rugby is just like another level especially in vermont they take it very seriously yeah uh yeah there was like the university of vermont is very good at rugby are they yeah i could see that like you or i in vermont it's like a big rivalry is it okay i could see that i mean yeah everyone from

vermont's like walking out of like their farm like straight off drinking milk straight out of the cow's teat bro they're like a different it doesn't seem like there's a lot going on up there oh no but uh weed and alcohol that's it and heroin yeah a lot of heroin i mean it's basically just like a drug import it's fair yeah we saw a dude od in our mcdonald's parking lot he was there for like two days before they found him he od'd on a fr Friday night and they figured out he was dead like Sunday afternoon. Really? He just sat in the car for two days. No one had any idea.

He was just sitting there. That's fucking sad. Parking lots were right on like Main Street too. Dude, that's sad, man. It was tough. Yeah, man. That must be rough. But I mean, did you enjoy playing baseball though?

Like overall? At least you could. Yeah. There was a reason why. I could have gone to like a D1 school and like not played obviously. Did you enjoy playing baseball, though, overall? At least you could. Yeah. There was a reason why. I could have gone to a D1 school and not played, obviously. Got a different education, gone to Syracuse or something like that. I got into it.

I do some other schools. And I was like, nah, I want to play in college. So I got lucky. My Idris actually contacted the coach that was there at the time. He was like, hey, I got a kid that kind of sucks at baseball, but maybe he can do something for you. And sent me up there and just happened to work out and had a really good broadcasting program too. So four years later, here we are.

So that's what you want to do, though, is broadcasting? Yeah, we're still working baseball play-by-play. I'm looking for jobs again for next spring. I was supposed to be in Kentucky last summer calling independently, and it got canceled. How does that work, though, for, like, broadcasting? Like, are there internships for broadcasting for broadcasting yeah there's a couple websites there's like a minor league baseball website that like most teams if they have like a listing they

throw it on there and you try to find the job um there's a couple websites so i've literally this whole like last two weeks i'm just emailing everyone just like hey you need like me to broadcast like i'm here but like broadcasting is that like kind of just like uh like a general overview or is it like specific so like would you specifically just be sports ideal yes specifically baseball like i'm i'm applying to individual teams not like a not like a company like i'm not applying to like a like a news station or anything to do i was gonna say that'd be fucking hilarious if you went to like a media outlet i mean i've i did you know you imagine me saying like and now time for sports with andrew whalen well dude like when i in the dumps, like, one of my favorite things to do is watch, like, news bloopers.

Yeah. Because they have, like, so many of them on YouTube. Yeah. But, dude, if you did one of those, like, think about it, man. Five million views, that's a good stipend from YouTube, man. That's fair. Like, if Tony Petrocco was like, all right, now on to sports with Andrew Whalen. Over there, like.

Yeah. And you were just like, hey,, now on to sports with Andrew Whalen. Over there. Yeah. And you were just like, hey, Tony, your wife sucks a good dick. Dude, you could shock the world with that, man. The worst part is I interned at Channel 10 one year, too. Really? Yeah. Is that Tony Petrarca? Nah, he's 12.

Yeah, I was going to say, dude, my boy Tony always fucks up, dude. He's like, yeah, 90% chance of showers. It's like 16th Sonny. Yeah, he's like yeah 90 chance of showers it's like 16 sunny yeah he's fucked up so many birthday parties man oh man yo i speaking of birthday parties dude that picture of us at jepson's birthday party with our shirts off do you talk about confidence that's a classic jepson i remember vividly like back then it's hard to remember like vivid like memories but i remember sherry jeffson like she was kind of like watching everyone in the bouncy house

dude me and you you did a fucking front flip dude and landed on your back obviously like it wasn't like a full front flip shot i landed that on my feet dude i was so jealous and like i remember sherry being like john you can do it. And I was like, all right. And I did it, dude, dude, mind blowing. I was so happy afterwards. People were like,

dude, people were fucking me and you just kept going back and forth, dude. Yeah. Cause we had like tits and shit. And everyone else was like, it was flopping around, hitting us in the face.

We were fucking thick, dude. I'll throw up a picture like right now, just so it pops up. So people have like a good image of like what we were doing. There's that one picture. We're all sitting shirtless in the bounce house but like dude

even we're talking about confidence dude I was covering my tits I wish I just let them hang did you wear your shirt when you went in the pool no I took it off I mean that's there was no pool

it was just Dylan's bounce or no I'm just saying in general though like if you're going in the pool did you leave your shirt on oh back then yeah I tried to

I wish I just didn't man but it just it had to be done yeah because everyone was so skinny dude I was just like dude I used to. That's what I was. I wish I just didn't, man. But it just had to be done. Yeah. Because everyone was so skinny, dude. I was just like, dude, I used to be able to suck my tits in the shower. Dude, no joke, dude. And I told people that, too.

And they told everyone. They were like, yo, John can literally suck his tits. They were like, yo, John can literally suck his tits. I thought it was like an accomplishment. Practice for later? I mean, dude, I mean. First chick you ever sucked a titty on, you're like, why are you so good at this? Don't fucking worry about it.

I'll have to send some DMs and be like, am I good at that shit? No, I'd be fucked. Tongue game strong, bro. Yeah. Remember like AIM and stuff, dude? Oh, oh my god i was talking about that the other day someone i was watching twitch and someone brought it up dude classic just very passive aggressive away messages about your like this girl you wanted to to hold hands with dude i used to always pull the uh like who do you like and they'd be like uh no one and i'd be like oh like topic what about me they'd be like no like you have a great personality but like physically like you need to uh make some improvements and i'd be like all right well on to the next one man

heard that one a couple times before two men right yeah it was a good thing though dude because like you ever see those people back then who had like relationships all the time i feel like they're kind of fucked up now oh they all have kids now i feel like yeah they're like like pregnant maybe single maybe in a relationship with someone but yeah they just got sick of pulling out and they were like it's gonna happen i mean yeah they had they hit a good high school run though i bet they had a great high school and while we were sitting in the basement playing cod every weekend they were out there banging but that's wild bro like just even like being in a relationship back then like saying you love someone holy shit i'm not gonna lie i told a chick like after three

days of dating i told her i loved her and then we broke up but like thank god we broke up you know what i'm saying yeah you could have a kid now so i guess i mean take that as the positive i mean even if i had sex back then i wouldn't know what i was doing oh hell no yeah i didn't even know where to put it like i wouldn't know where the hole is i still don't yeah i. Yeah, I'd be emotionally invested, but physically I would just be throwing hard-boiled eggs at the wall. I wouldn't even know what the fuck to do, man. So, thank God, dude. I think about that all the time. Yeah.

Even now, I'm like, dude, yeah, it's been a few years since I've made some magic happen, but at least now I have a fucking kid. You know what I'm saying? Some kid fucking running around who fucking probably has some chromos a fucking kid. You know what I'm saying? Some kid fucking running around who fucking probably has some chromosomal issues. You know what I'm saying? You thought you had confidence issues back then. Imagine having a kid you would have offed yourself like three days after that kid was born, I think. Not even three days.

Yeah, that's okay. I was trying to be generous. Okay. I mean, hey, I get it. I'd give it like a few hours, honestly. Make sure the mom knows the kid's alive and then you're out. I'd go to the local junkyard and be like, yeah, I'm looking for like half a vehicle. Are you going to miss any of these cars?

Any of these still start? I can just drive off a cliff. Yeah. I'd just be like, where's the crane at? Dude, we had a fucking, we have a junkyard down the road we snuck in when we were younger you don't want to know okay what am i uh we're not like my asian friends my childhood asian friends okay um yeah we went and we snuck into the junkyard dude my friend turns on a car and it actually works. So he's driving around the junkyard,

blasting Kesha, like TikTok by Kesha full volume. Dude drives into another car. Fucking blows out his shoulder, dude. How old were you guys? Way too young, dude. Like 16, maybe 17 17 no idea how to drive a car dude and i'm watching this happen like his brother's in a car dude like trying to start it up and the fucking crane comes over it's straight out of a movie the crane fucking picked up the car next to him, dude. I was literally crying.

I was like, dude, he's fucking going to die. Crying laughing or crying like emotional? No, emotionally. I was like, dude, I was throwing rocks at the crane. That's going to stop it. That'll do it. I was like, dude, I got this. And it turns out it was the car next to him, man.

And, dude, they tried going back the next day. I didn't go back, but they went back the next day, and the cops were just waiting there. But, dude, just wild shit, man. I don't know. We were like 16, 17. Who was more irresponsible, you guys for doing that or them for leaving a key in a car that could still work? Well, actually like all of the keys were in the car but how does that make any sense i don't know man i don't know how they

organize them obviously not very well they have like a fucking racetrack dude you're just asking for trouble man and it was like an abandoned neighborhood too so you could just walk through the woods like if you had to escape you could just basically live in the woods for a few days if you had to. What would you eat? Fucking elk. I don't know. No, I'm just kidding. I could probably survive out there.

Yeah. I'd be fucked, dude. Back then, dude, I'd need so much food just to survive, like, a few hours. I'd probably eat my friend, dude. He's Asian. I'd just be like... You'd be hungry again in an hour, though. Yeah. I'd be like, look, man, like, I hate to do this to you but i'm gonna have to eat you sacrifices have to be made yeah i'll tell you

that's tough poor kid you go raw are you gonna cook them though whatever it takes that's fair there's a power there's probably a power line nearby yeah probably see if i can throw them up there i just don't want you to get sick that's all you know i'm looking out for you i mean dude honestly whatever it takes. Like, that's, I mean, we were so young, though. I feel like maybe we would have gone to juvie. But I feel like they would look at us and be like, I think these kids are just mentally unstable.

Like, there's a lot of confusion going on, you know? Yeah. And that's all it was, man, back then. Like, just, even a few, dude, he sent me, the Asian kid sent me a picture yesterday of me, like, back then. I was mind blown. I was like, who is this kid? So, like, even getting older, I'm like, wow, dude, like, I'm so happy I did that stuff.

Life lessons, I guess. That's one way to do it, I guess. Hey. Yeah, what were we talking about, though? I don't even, I don't remember, man. I honestly forgot how we got into this. I don't know. I have no idea.

Could have been something about Asians. Could have been. I don't even know how we got into this. I don't remember, man. I honestly forgot how we got into this. I don't know. I have no idea. Could have been something about Asians. Could have been. I don't know. I think you told me about how I met your mother, Garo. I think we were talking about Vermont at some point. Yeah. But that's, I mean, at least you had a good time up there, though, dude. It was, yeah.

I did. I don't regret going up there for four years. Dude, even being able to say that you played college baseball is an accomplishment in itself. Yeah, it's nice. Yeah. Like, did you play a lot? I set the school record in saves wow um pitched 74 innings i think in four years so as a reliever too so you played a lot yeah i mean i didn't have like said i wasn't a starter so i didn't have the most innings but i think i set a school record for appearances i

want to say at least one year if not my career um I was yeah I had a good career and I played a decent amount I was you know like six them with inning yeah I don't I don't like the flex about it but like I had a pretty good you fucked it up dude kind of you tore it up that's all you gotta say man you fucking with it fastball 12-6 curve game over just quick little combo wow no one could touch it we're like kids pretty good you would say or did they look like um it was a couple schools it was like hit or miss so my conference had like seven schools. There was like three schools that were decent and then three that were like

you would have been the best player far and above. Yeah. So the three teams that were good, they were good. And then the other kids were like recruited out of that mental asylum that you guys probably would have got sent to if you had gotten locked up in their island.

Yeah, something like that. So, I mean, you know, might have been boosted a little bit, but stats are stats. Yeah, still Division III baseball. Dude, when I played at CCRI, I was like, I might be able to play. Dude, I was like 17th on the depth chart. They couldn't even fit my name.

They're nasty. Yeah, I was like, dude, some of these kids are talking like 88 lefty. I'm like, I'll just eat sunscreen and watch. Poor Richie. Yeah, whenever I threw in practice, I was just like dude just you know maybe yell some stuff i mean you could used to get it up there pretty good though like mid 80s right now i wasn't like one of those kids that would like lie about the radar gun yeah like you know those kids were like dude i'm throwing like fucking 90 bro tyler he too yeah oh sorry sorry tyler if you see this i love you yeah he's gonna

downvote it no fucking better not bad you can cut it out just cut it out no it's all right dude we accept failure but you know those kids man that were like probably thrown maybe like 78 they were like dude i'm fucking ripping 85 and you're like dude you know how fucking fast that is why you gotta talk about me like that bro i'm right here no i'm just saying you know the kids were talking about that believe me so i was just kind of like it is what it is man i think like when i trained with you guys in the winter i think you just got me like 83 so i just kind of went with that i was like that's cool man i'm happy with that you know what i mean but dude some of these kids like i

couldn't even see the ball and i'm like they're like yeah he's throwing like 86 87 i'm like what i can't even see the fucking ball you were a lefty too right no i was a righty no hitter yeah so dude imagine lefty lefty 87 that's a hard no yeah i'm just gonna like go home yeah yeah pack it in that's there's no one's hitting that even if i was throwing 83 as a righty dude you're still what like 11th on the depth chart they might throw you in like an injury fun game yeah i was gonna say when you're down like 19 nothing maybe i mean nowadays man like you actually like i feel like kids are probably just like changing to lefty even if they're righty you know what i mean even if they're throwing like 62 it's like you have to bring something to the table yeah some kids are

going sidearm submarine yeah that's lynchee lynchee's a sidearm guy yeah i mean dude you'll fucking get a paycheck doing that but like if you, if you're writing, man, you better be throwing fucking cheddar, bro. Like, 95, 96, man. That'd be better. Have the best off-speed, like, in the world. Yeah, it's just too much for me to handle, man. Like, I was literally, I remember seeing this kid throw, like, at Johnson and Wales. And he was a lefty, and, like, I was just like, dude, I gotta go home. Like, I shouldn't be here right now.

I need my mom at this point. It's like eight hours a day. I'm like, dude, I got to go home. Like, I shouldn't be here right now. I need my mom at this point. It's like eight hours a day. I'm like, dude. But then I actually started hitting. I could have probably played if I, like, focused on hitting more. Yeah. Because hitting is a lot easier because it's, like, it's so, like, predictable. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah. If you have a good IQ, you figure out tendencies quick from a pitcher and stuff like that. Yeah. Especially because a lot of those kids have, like, 1.7 GPAs. Yeah. So they're just basically telling you what they're going to throw

before they throw it. They're like holding their hand out. They do like the little glove motion or whatever they let you know beforehand. Yeah. Yeah. I mean like, so if I,

maybe if I focus on, I don't know, man, I just didn't even, like I said, dude, I just went there to fucking get some clam. But once,

then I started playing rugby again. I was like, this is is more this is more my speed yeah just killing kids on a field yeah just let it all out you know what i'm saying yeah i get that that must have been good though how dude rugby like it's gotta be like injury prone like dangerous right like yeah dude it's wild okay it's also like fucking hilarious though if you see a kid get injured like i saw this kid i don't know if i've told the story i saw this kid get hit dude and he internally bled i don't know why i'm laughing at that dude he was just laying there and like we found out like if he moved at all he like would

have died but like for some reason i was like laughing at it like at that point in time it was like he just got level like he's just laying on the ground so he's not embarrassed yeah but yeah man it's not like a smart sport to play but it's uh it's so much fun man what about those uh what is it a scrum or whatever when you have to like all like the basic clusterfuck together yeah if they see those collapsing now they'll just call it off because like previously like people would break their fucking back yeah because like dude if you're one of the like the props like the big fucking dudes in the front yeah you basically have all that pressure on you all that weight like dude so much like at uri they have like they have these scrum machines man and they'll put elastic bands on them and shit and it's just like even

being in that position like it's fucking. There's so much pressure on you. So like if they see those starting to fall apart, they'll just be like, all right, back the fuck up. Because like if you get stuck under one of those, like people break their necks, people break their backs and shit. I know some people who can't even like walk now. So I was like, yeah, can I just play like forward or something in the back? Just like kind of like, you know, give a little nudge, you know what I'm saying? I'm not trying to be one of those big boys in the front no i get that but yeah man you just see some crazy shit but dude if you played a full game of rugby i'm telling you

like dude rock hard like it's so much fun man duct tape to the side it's like the best like thing i can relate it to is like when you were playing backyard football back in the day yeah and you like made that first tackle and you're like yeah yeah yeah okay you look at the neighbor's mom you're like your husband's cheating on you you know what i'm saying yeah that's the best i can relate it to you just look at her how many kids you got three that's making your mother four and like afterwards man like you're like really sore and stuff but you're like not scared yeah i'm saying you just literally went through a full like fist fight for six everyone's scared about something in life whether it's like getting fired you know maybe farts maybe closer to farts yeah laughing at

your dick size yeah dude tits sucking on your tits you know you're afraid you get made fun of for that dude after rugby game no mas dude yeah so. And you still didn't pick up chicks after that thing? Dude, we didn't really. We got in trouble for. We threw a party. I've told this story a bunch. But long story short, some guy came into the party. It was in Providence. It was an open party for the rugby team.

One of the craziest parties I've ever been to. And I did get laid that night for being on the rugby team. But, yeah, some guy guy it was an open party so like an old guy snuck in the party and uh like brought a chick into his car like made her do cocaine and stuff and there was like supposed like potential rape i don't know the full story man but after that happened like they were like yeah no more parties for the rugby team but yeah dude you want to hear something funny i like i brought this chick back to my room yeah i lived in like the shittiest fucking dorm room yeah and like after that we actually like started like texting and stuff and talking she was kind of like like emotional you

know what i mean like she's like very clingy yeah so i like kind of like told her like i didn't want a relationship and she's like no i don't want a relationship with you dude and like her roommates like started talking to me like other hot chicks and they were like hey you know like she like plays with herself like in front of us like when we're in the room and i was like wait can you just say that one more time and they were like yeah like we'll be doing homework and she'll just lay down on the bed and start playing with herself like so we call her mac and cheese and i'm with herself. So we call her Mac and Cheese. And I'm like, why do you call her Mac and Cheese? And they were like, oh, because it sounds like Mac and Cheese when she does it.

So I go out with some guys, dude, to the club or whatever. We're coming back one night. I look down the hallway, and I see all of them hanging out. And I just yell at the top of my lungs. I'm like, yo, you guys have any Mac and Cheese? Dude, no one laughed. I was the only one that laughed. And, yeah, we never talked again.

So it was worth it, though, in my mind. I was like, dude, that was a sick punchline. You could have got laid a couple more times, but instead you made me laugh in your room. Yeah, I mean, I think the joke was worth it, dude. I'll take the joke any day over that. Yeah, that's fair. So, that's wild, though. Why would you even tell me that?

Like, me out of all people, you're going to tell me that? Like, I'm going to use that against you? Yeah. You know? Yeah. It's also weird. Why are you playing with yourself

in front of, like, I'm not trying to do, like, geometry homework and have somebody, like, imagine if you were doing homework in your dorm, dude, and, like, one of your roommates just started spanking

you'd be like listen Jeff man like I get it you know just bad timing man you know it's like the first week

of school time and a place for everything yo my first week of school my roommate who I met in orientation he already has a thick fat chick.

Fat. Not thick. Fat or fat? She's fat. I was trying to be nice, but she's never going to hear this, so it's okay. I blocked her on everything. Already, it's like 9 o'clock at night on like a Tuesday. She's like slamming on our door for no reason.

This kid, I don't know what he did. It was like three days into school. Already got a fat chick up his ass. I come back like two weeks later. He's fucking another fat chick. Kid love fat chicks. It was kind of wild. You have his name?

Yeah. I'm going to give him a follow after this. Yeah, I got you with the at. I blocked him too. I can give you his follow if you want. Just send him a low key message. How? Teach me your ways. So he's just lining he lining him up dude i don't know how he

did it because he smelled like shit and he was a weirdo but i maybe that's what they were into i don't know but yeah and he stayed for a semester and then he left and i think he had like four or five different fat chicks in that semester wow it was wild i don't know how he did it uh-huh but i mean hey i guess good for him. It takes a certain skill set. And then he left school and told everyone he left because his roommate was a heroin addict. Really?

I really fit the bill for a heroin addict, right? Dude, wow. So he must have been, like, mentally unstable. Yeah, I think so. None of the baseball guys liked him. He was a baseball player, and he was terrible. It's always that one kid. Yeah.

I would always be nice to those kids though just in case yeah you know they take out like an rpg in right field you're like all right yeah that's fair it's like the dude from uh billy madison sitting on his mom's couch in the basement putting on lipstick and like crossing off the list yeah dude yeah man those kids like i lived in a building where there was like a bunch of those kids man like probably convicted felons dude there was there was, like, a bunch of those kids, man. Yeah. Like, probably convicted felons. Dude, there was times where, like, kids would come into our building that didn't even go to the school. And we'd be like, how'd you freaking get in? The one kid was, like, in the, he was in the National Guard, man.

And he, like, really threw me for a loop, man. Like, he came in our room once. He, like, barged in the door and just started screaming at my roommate. Because, like, his girlfriend, like, broke up with him or something. We literally thought he was going to, like, throw a Molotov cocktail in our room. We were literally shitting our pants. But kids like that, I was just like, yeah, man, it is what it is, bro.

I get it. No, that's probably... Honestly, you were much smarter in your decision-making than me, but I guess I got lucky. Yeah, you were like, shut the fuck up, dude. I'll fucking kill you. Dude, I walked into my room one day, and I'm like, yo, what's up, man? He's like, hey. And then three seconds later, she just pops her were like, shut the fuck up, dude. I'll fucking kill you. Dude, I walked into my room one day and I'm like,

yo, what's up, man? He's like, hey. And then three seconds later, she just pops her head up from under the covers like, hi. I'm like, the fuck? How'd you hide from me?

It was wild. He was, I don't know. At least he was lining them up, though. Any of my boys at school that hear this, they're going to know exactly what I'm talking about. I don't know, dude.

I mean, listen, he got laid more than me in college so I guess I can't really say much. Yeah. And he did it in a semester for me in four years but yeah it's a tough call man i mean i feel like i would look up to him but just for that reason you know what i mean it's understandable yeah especially up in vermont though man like in rhode island you probably won't see that many characters that are like that but like out there man it's like i mean they're

probably so isolated all the time that's like i mean listen he could have been having some wild sex for all i know it's you know like you said they're a little bit more freaky sometimes yeah sometimes i mean i don't know man i guess you just gotta mind your own business but it is funny to just kind of like look into man yeah that is yeah that was my building though dude i was on like the um like johnson wales they have like the culinary campus that's what they like that's where all the classes are and stuff that's where i live dude but like they had the down city campus as well and that's like where all the smoke shows go yeah like the chicks with like 1.5 gpas that just like are so hot dude five

5 000 on instagram kind of thing and uh i i wish i lived down there but i was a transfer student so they were just kind of like yeah you can go fuck yourself man and um yeah man it was rough because like whenever i would go down there i would just see like absolute smoke shows and uh yeah man honestly i don't even think i probably could have gotten with them even if i tried there's that confidence we love because there was a transition where like i started telling you know i started telling the far jokes and stuff yeah and i think people started to figure it out they were like this is who john is that's who i was all along but like i said man i just i had that aspiration to just be like yeah you know i'm uh

started pitcher you know throwing them for the boys because like i mean back then man like at that age it was like the perfect time to just you know get some clam chowder

you know what I'm saying you're really telling me I didn't capitalize bro fuck you're making me regret four years of college now I just didn't act I think about it all the time

I spent too much time trying to figure out how to pitch instead of learning how to get chicks see but that's I wish I just stuck I wish I just like stuck to one thing.

Like if I was going to tell fart jokes, maybe just go to open mics like every day and like really fucking grind. Yeah. Whereas it's kind of like all over the place. Yeah. Like I'd tell fart jokes one night, then I'd be like, let's go to the club. Then I'd be like, am I gay? You know what I mean?

Maybe you want to walk in on your roommate masturbating while you're doing geometry for all you know. Dude, maybe man. Jesus. I had one of my roommates like banged a girl in front of me not in front of me but like in the middle of the night i came back and it was like pitch black obviously but he was just going to town dude now i was just like eating a bunch of like doritos i was like fuck what am i doing man i would never do that to my roommate i'd be like look man like this is gonna go down so you should probably just go for a walk. Well, the good news for us is it would probably last like four minutes and they could come back in.

Four seconds, dude. Okay. I'd be shooting them off the walls. I'd be like, you're about to witness history. Straight at Danny McBride. I'm dropping loads in here like a dump truck. Yeah. But yeah, man, Vermont's fucking crazy. It is. It's just so isolated, man. Like I said, it's like a dump truck. Yeah. But yeah, man, Vermont's fucking crazy.

It is. It's just so isolated, man. Like I said, it's like a heroin hub. It is, yeah. You're not wrong. Yeah. I mean, like I said, at least you fucking enjoyed it, dude. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Listen, I love my four years up at school. I go back once in a while, but I get my little, like, one weekend a year, I get my Vermont fix, and I got it for the year now, and I'm good. But so, like, broadcasting, like, how would you mix that in baseball? got it for the year now, and I'm good. But it's like broadcasting. How would you mix it in baseball? I missed a lot of practices, maybe a couple games. I got kind of lucky.

I worked my schedule pretty well. So I did miss a lot of practices, but I was always in the gym. I got my working when I needed to. I took heavy load in the fall semester, so my spring was a little bit lighter. It worked out pretty well, actually. My professors are pretty understanding. Yeah. What is that like? There there's actual abroad like what are the broadcasting classes like though so my first two years was a lot of practice like getting used to working like camera like uh like the technical stuff like editing video um a lot some on-air practice

too like recording like fake videos and then my last two years we have an actual studio in in like our school that's part of the curriculum we had to either you know you had to report you had to be like a uh an anchor you had to either be like a photographer you could pick like two avenues and you had to do either like on air or behind the scenes and you had to do it for two years so i picked on air so i was a reporter anchor oh shit dude yeah that kind of thing so you get nervous like first couple times yeah usually so you have like the little earpiece

in your ear and like the dudes counting down in your ear they're like yeah five four and I'm like oh shit like here we go

like you know don't say something stupid and luckily I didn't I didn't say anything dumb do you have a fucking teleprompter yeah oh yeah

you look it's literally like on the camera like you look into the camera and like the prompter's like in front of the lens so like you literally are looking into the camera but you're and like the prompter is like in front of the lens. Oh, really? You literally are looking into the camera, but you're looking at the prompter too.

Yeah. So. Dude, I always think about like Anchorman and like just all those bloopers. Dude, I literally cry laughing thinking about that. Dude, we had some people. I think it's one of the people you're in front of, dude. Yeah. It's kind of – I didn't like to think about that, but like some people definitely froze up doing that where they just like –

If it was like a new anchor and they're like sitting next to me and we have like a minute at the end of the show just to like shoot the shit and like do something random they ask a question they're like so what's the rain looking like tomorrow and i look at them like what the fuck are you saying like kids freeze up on air sometimes that's so fucking funny it was there was a couple good ones where the kids just had no idea like the weather person like looks me. I'm like, yeah, so tell me. Hey, what's the forecast next week? Are we going to have some cool air? What is it going to be?

They look at me after the show. They're like, what was that? I'm like, be a fucking person. Just talk to someone. Oh, my God, man. Yeah. I don't have any funny bloopers, unfortunately, but I got a lot of friends that are still out there.

They'll throw it up on Instagram where they try to do a live shot and they fuck up or they're trying to record something yeah they just the camera like falls over or some shit that's so funny man it's good it broadcasting was a good time and i love i don't know what it is like i love watching people bomb on like comedy stages like that'll get me going yeah um even when i make like uh like a sketch like i love bloopers for that man just like seeing me dude because like it's always like amazed me like if you were on like abc6 or something like you hear you know you hear the voice and you see the guy or the girl and you're just like you're thinking about what i'm thinking about like who they actually are yeah and i just start dying like this guy probably gives his wife

rim jobs like you know what i'm saying yeah because you can tell dude yeah you know it's just like sometimes it's too fake for me but then there's like really good broadcasters yeah who are just absolute legends man and you're like i'd love to be like that guy yeah that guy he he could still fuck like those smoke shows at johnson wales if he wants right now yeah who are you like who are you like your favorite broadcasters though for baseball uh matt bascursion i don't know if you know who he is he does he's the monday of Johnson & Wales if he wants right now. Who are your favorite broadcasters though? For baseball, Matt Baskirjian. I don't know if you know who he is.

He's the Monday Night Baseball guy with A-Rod and Jess Mendoza. He does all the MLB the show video games too. Do you like Jess? No. And it's not that

she's a woman. It's just I don't think she knows what she's talking about. Did she play softball? She did, yeah. I think she played in college. I don't know if she played

professionally. She might have, but I'm pretty sure she played in college. She has a pretty good voice though I feel like. Yeah, I mean she speaks well. I just don't think she really knows think she played in college. I don't know if she played professionally. She might have, but I'm pretty sure she played in college. She has a pretty good voice, though, I feel like. Yeah, I mean, she speaks well. I just don't think she really knows what she's talking about. Do you follow Bob Menary? I fucking love Bob Menary, bro.

He's got such a good voice, man. He is. Do you listen to Zap Podcast at all? I haven't watched it yet, no. I just started following Bob Menary. He's great, bro. It's so good. I've DM'd him a couple times.

Like, hey, need a number two guy? Oh, man. Nothing. Dude, he, need a number two guy? Oh, man. Nothing. Dude, he's got like a special voice. That's nuts. He does all the Wild Wings commercials too. Yeah. He's probably fucking reeling in trucks of money.

He's got some smokey. He asked out some tennis player, Jeannie Bouchard. Yeah, saw that dude. Didn't get it. Is she talking to Mason Rudolph now? Yes. Yes, she is. And I think Mason and Meenier are like boys, too.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. That guy fucks, man. He's a good dude. He's fucking funny. Yeah. Did you grow up watching Chris Berman and stuff, though?

Oh, dude. Berman's great. Yeah. Especially another big guy, dude. He went to Brown. Dude, what do you think about John Madden? I mean, I don't know. I haven't heard him.

He hasn't called a game in a long time. Yeah. When I grew up, I was playing like 0-'t heard him he hasn't like called a game in a long time yeah when I grew up I was playing like 0-4 Madden oh yeah so

yeah I mean that's like a classic voice you know reminds me of the childhood but like yeah I didn't listen to him a ton

you think didn't like Chris Berman retire for a short time yeah he did then he kind of came back he's still he's not like a full time anymore

he's like just partially on air now I wonder what happened dude I wonder if happened, dude. I wonder if his wife is just an asshole. Lynch, he met him at the world series. Really?

He's enormous. Really? Massive dude. Fuck. He like weighs more than both of us combined. Dude, who did I meet? Um,

I met John Gruden at a hotel once. Ooh. Yeah, dude, he was fucking hilarious. Really? He was wearing a shooter sleeve. For what reason?

I don't know. Just wearing it. Yeah. I think he just told us he was like drinking some beers like he was oh no because we were in connecticut yeah um for like some like national tournament or whatever like legion yeah and he was there he was wearing a shooter sleeve and we're like what are you like doing here man he was like oh i'm going to like espn later it's like the headquarters yeah yeah that makes sense yeah he was wearing like a

shooter sleeve i'm like dude like how many how much beer do you drink Yeah, he was wearing, like, a shooter's sleeve. I'm like, dude, like, how much beer do you drink, man? Like, he was confident, though, man. I mean, he's a Monday Night Football broadcaster slash head coach of the Raiders, so that makes sense. Yeah, I got fucks, man. He's got, like, 12 mil a year, dude. He just pisses that out whenever he wants. Yeah. Yeah, I grew up watching Chris Berman, dude. I think everyone loved Chris Berman.

John Madden, I was kind of like, this guy's kind of, like, overrated. Yeah. But now you have, like, who is it? Like, Troy Aikman. Yeah. And who's the other fucking guy Joe Buck do you like Joe Buck dude I actually do this is a little bit yeah so I he's not the calls aren't great but he's he does a lot of work and like he can go from like World Series to like Thursday Night Football World Series World Series Sunday like Sunday afternoon game World series in like six days yeah i respect what he can do um and he's had a lot of memorable calls too like he's like done a lot of world series and super bowls so he's probably hilarious too i've heard so he has i think he has a podcast

or like a book and he's pretty uncensored and he's pretty funny i'm not allowed to do that i think so dude he's joe bugger this he's been doing it for like 25 years i think he can yeah no one's ever had a firearm yeah i know they wanted to fire him at one point. Like, not like his fucking manager or whatever, but people were like, fuck this guy. Yeah, Fox was probably like... They were like, Troy Aikens, hi. Joe Buck's a lesbian. Fuck him.

And it's like, dude, just chill out, man. Yeah. Because it's hard. I mean, because Tony Romo, they were comparing him like Tony Romo, and obviously Tony Romo is like, he's played, so he knows the fuck he's talking about and he'd like call plays ahead of time which is obviously legendary but um i was listening to a podcast with like tony gonzalez and tom segura okay because like tom segura has like this new podcast called like tom talks so he'll just have people on that he wants to talk to yeah but he was talking to like tony gonzalez and like

tony was like trying to explain like like when people watch broadcasters like they they're like can you please just like go deeper into it you know like especially if you've played like you know like tell us what you'd see on this play and whatnot and tony was kind of like look man like this is entertainment you know what i mean like you want to be entertaining you know like sure they could go into the x's and o's but like it's all about entertainment that's why you have like all those fucking crazy characters up there yeah so like it makes sense though when you think about like undisputed like you know skip and shannon like that's entertaining or what's the uh first take right first take steven a and keller steven a is making boatloads of money but dude he's fucking entertaining yeah oh yeah he's just some wild

shit though yeah like him talking about him talking about UFC is like obvious. It's like out there. But like, yeah, think about how much he's bringing in, man. Yeah, that's fair. A lot of eyes on that. Yeah. Who do I fucking hate, though? I don't fucking hate them, but I was just like, what is this guy saying?

What is his name? Booger. Booger McFarlane. Oh, my God. He was terrible. What is he saying, dude? I'm like. For a former player, he explains the game maybe the worst i've ever heard yeah and dude

i was watching his bloopers dude i was dying yeah and the only the worst part is he has like one season he has like a full blooper reel dude he gets to like he gets to take that like flying chair around and just watch the game dude so he's killing it yeah yeah like you'll just see him go like flying back and forth he's like dude you're fucking killing it man hey listen good for you wants to pay me to do that shit i'm on board too but but i don't so like if you want to do specifically sports like say like abc6 was like hey we need like a night anchor to like go over like sports like would you do that at this point yeah probably really yeah i mean hard to get into or yeah really so providence like the way broadcasting works is like markets like providence is market number 52, and there's 250, 60 markets in the country.

It's tough to go from no experience right to a top market. Not a top market, but a 50 market like that. It's doable if you're good enough, but usually you have to start somewhere like Bozeman, Montana or some shit like that. You're going to go there for a year or two. He too right now in Creston, Iowa. He too is getting his experience out in Cousin Fuck, Iowa right now. So,

he's just like building the resume pretty much. Yeah. So, that's usually how it works. But, I mean, if ABC6, at this point they said that,

I would go. Really? Probably, yeah. That'd be wild, dude. Imagine me Saturday night, you're over there about to spank it and just turn on news and I'm over there telling you

how the high school girls basketball game went. Dude, I would watch it. Thanks. I appreciate that. You and my mom, mom only two viewers i got dude i'd 100 watch it man that'd be hilarious dude it would yeah it's weird though from like a comedic perspective because like people who do comedy like when they go on those talk shows obviously broadcasting is different but when they go on those like morning talk shows dude they say like the most wild shit yeah just because they ask the dumbest question i've seen a couple bill burke quips where he's like on a talk show and they just ask him a

question he's like what the fuck are you saying yeah because they don't even know who you are now they'll be like so jeff like when you start comedy i'd be like oh my name is john but yeah like a bunch of uh comics have gone on and just said like absurd shit yeah like just to piss them off but it's like they kind of deserve it yeah you don't do your research you're kind of you're kind of you're doing that to yourself at that point yeah that'd be pretty cool though man if you get into it somehow we'll see hopefully i applied some jobs and we're looking for something this summer just to kind of get the uh the resume added on to a little bit but wouldn't you have to do like all sports or would you just like be able to do just baseball i mean i should the way i should i should probably get into basketball or football um i couldn't do anything else like hockey i love

hockey but i don't know it enough to um to call it and like soccer i tried once and i let it was like hey he passed the ball to him and he kicked it got him you know like that kind of thing so i should probably do some more but it's it's tough to find jobs for that so i mean it makes sense putting you on fucking live air yeah like if they were like john we're gonna put you on live air i'd be like i don't know if you want to do that that's that's a mistake that would absolutely be a mistake yeah i was i was almost gonna make a sketch like with a green screen it was like uh like the sketch was like i've been working my whole life just to get on like you know live air yeah and like i finally make it i'm like this is the big day like they're gonna put me up there

yeah and i just wanted to make a sketch where i would go up they'd be like and on to weather with john and i just say something fucking wild i would please do please do it they're just like wait a second so you just took four years of your life for that one moment. I'd be like, yeah. You paid $200,000 to get a degree in this. Just to say fart and pussy on air. Honestly, dude, I would say what I said earlier. Like if Tony Petrarca called me over, he was like, this is Tony Petrarca with your local double P.O.I. forecast.

And next up, fucking John with sports. Like, I would definitely say something about his wife. Does he have a smoke wife? Do you know? Probably, dude. Probably. But I'd be like, dude, you've ruined so many of my birthday parties. Like, you fucking deserve this shit, man.

His wife would be like, what? Yeah, that guy's wild, man. So confused. Yo, RJ Heim from Channel 10. You know who that is? No. He's a weather guy. Older, that guy's wild, man. So confused. Yo, RJ Heim from Channel 10. You know who that is? No. He's a weather guy. Older guy.

He's wild. When I used to intern Saturday nights, he used to do the weather there. Weird dude. He used to listen to some weird-ass music in his little weather office that's separate from the rest of the studio. Yeah. Dude is probably dissecting frogs or some shit in there, bro. I don't know.

You think so? I think so. He's a weird guy. He's older, though? Yeah, he's like 60s, probably. Yeah, that makes sense. Being a weather guy for that long, just looking at a green screen. He's like the number three guy there too.

That's the worst part. That must be so boring though. It'd be tough. Yeah. It's just weather. It's not like you're going in depth on anything. No, nothing really new. It's like it's raining, it's sunny.

Yeah, other people are like, yeah, fucking 42-year-old felons jerked off on I-95. Keep your eyes peeled. Like, that's intense because you get to, like, see what's going on. Yeah. Like, the investigators, dude. Oh, dude, I'd kill to do that shit. Yeah. Like, going up to local business owners and being like, tell us the truth.

Just get your door slammed in your face. My boy does that down in Florida. Really? He's not an investigator, but, like, yeah, he's a flyers. Oh, dude. Just retired people. Blue hair is running around doing God knows what. But he's an investigator?

He's just a reporter, but he does have to do some investigative piece. He sends me Snapchats or emails, Trump guys running at him like, how dare you say Trump's not a good president? It's like, dude, we report what we report. The guys are wild down there. Yeah, at least you're not a good president. It's like, dude, it's just we report what we report. The guys are wild down there. Yeah, at least you're not a journalist, though. No. When you think about journalism, you think it's bullshit? Because it is. I don't know, man. Again, that was my degree

for four years, so... I mean, there's not a lot of good news outlets. I guess I'll put it that way. I think there's a couple that are decent, but there's not a lot. I don't know. I don't follow a ton. I'm not very political or journalistic at this point. Dude, if you read some of these articles, it's wild, man.

Yeah. That's what I used to do at the bank. I would read some of these articles. I'd be like, wow, dude. This is wild, man. Yeah. It's so far from the truth, but they got to put something out. Yeah.

I mean, they got to make money. I guess it just depends how creative you are, man. Yeah. That's fair. I mean, dude dude if you ever get into that you can just spice it up with my podcast or something being like dude this guy sent some wild shit that's fair just make up some stuff i'll be like i fully abide i'll get you some i'll get you some look you know some listen listens though yeah that'll get you some heads you know just like make sure you like put like a small like note below you know like viewer discretion is the finest the fine prince yeah like you might lose like a shit ton of brain cells it's fine but like i said man we were talking

about dylan and stuff oh yeah uh can we even talk about fucking dylan i don't see why not we're just talking a bunch of shit about him dude i mean we can i don't know how you're saying i should have him on but i feel like he's like another person like i don't want to ruin his job you know what i mean no he's his job isn't he doesn't do any kind of like government stuff or anything like that he's not like law enforcement i think dylan you guys could have you could rehash those yeah times i just don't want like his boss to be like dylan were you talking about jerking off on this podcast and he's like no they're like i don't know how they're ever gonna see that like yeah unless you feel like i would have to put his full name on it yeah and like dylan won't have to like share it like something i don't think his boss

like stalking his instagram the other thing that kind of worries me a little bit is like we've never talked before but like you know what to expect oh yeah you know what i'm saying yeah dude i went to visit dylan like a few years ago yeah like i went up just not knowing what to expect and i don't think he realized like how immature i genuinely was like i would say some stuff and he'd be like wow dude like you were a sick fuck like so it's kind of like you know a lot of people change man you know what i mean like especially in your industry like not necessarily mine but mine, but, you know. Yeah. For me to say stuff and, like, to, like, mature people, you would think it's the other way around. But it's really, like, you know, I'm talking about, like, farts and, like, blowing loads and, like, other people's moms and shit.

The progression there was just, it was perfect. Yeah. So, like, you know, a lot of people reach that point where they're like, John, like, it's just not funny anymore, man. Yeah. And I'm like, I mean, you're lost. Everyone still has a little bit of immaturity. And then, like, everyone still has that kid. So, whoever takes that, like, I don't know, man.

Like, everyone needs that little bit of a release. Yeah, you think so? Yeah, I think so. I guess it just depends how they want to play it out, you know? Yeah, that's fair. It's tough for me, though, man, especially in times like this where everyone's, like, pissed off and stuff. Yeah.

And I'm still just, like, farts are hilarious. Yeah. It's rough, man. But that is kind of, like, a worry, you know? Having people on this. Just being, like, just going right into, like, shooting loads off the wall. Yeah. Like, that might throw some people off.

Don't even spit on it. Just go right in. Kind of thing. People are like, yeah, I wanted to talk about, like, my aspirations. And I'm like, we'll get to that. If there's time, you know? All right. No, that's what it is I think

I think Dylan and John I don't know with his job John's job's a little bit different Dylan I don't think would be an issue I think I just I think it would just be funny

I want to see you guys talk I heard you and Dante talk like bringing up like old times like talking about like that kind of shit that's always good

that was another one man I'd never talked in my life I know I was pretty nervous man I was like this kid this kid Fox dude that kind of shit. That was another one, man. I'd never talked in my life. I know. It's pretty nervous, man. I was like this kid, this kid Fox, dude, that kid's probably shredding popcorn up,

dude. So, but I don't know, man, we'll see what, uh, see what we can do. Yeah.

You're going to be watching like fucking laughing your ass off. Everyone's just going to be straight faced. I'm going to be like, I fucking knew it. No, but honestly, man, um,

dude, it was good to have our first ever conversation. I feel like we knocked it out of the park, man. I think it was pretty good. Yeah, it could have gone a lot worse, man. I think so, too. I felt pretty comfortable the whole time, which was good. Fuck yeah, man.

I didn't let up more than one fart. I think there was one in there I slipped out. Yeah, we could have fucking caused some fucking flash flood warnings, man. There could have been an explosion. Like South Cumberbatch might have got wiped off the face of the earth. Yeah, a little earthquake, dude. Yeah. We can still jump around.

We might cause an earthquake. Praise God, man. All right, man. Thanks for coming, though. It was a pleasure. Thanks, John.