The Johnny Salami Podcast - Wolfgang Hunter

Episode Date: October 1, 2024

Wolfgang Hunter by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. Or immovable. I don't know. I don't know how it goes.

Do you ever think about what would happen if your balls met each other? I think about it. Because they don't really like... they don't, they're ones. I feel, I don't know if this is normal, but I feel like with most guys, one's usually bigger than the other. Yeah. It's usually the left one, I think. Yeah. I think it's filled with cum.

Yeah. Most of the time, depending on who you are. I wish one of them was filled with Sprite and I could like shoot Sprite on a girl. Yeah. That'd be sick. That would be your choice? Like Sprite? I guess Starry just because Sprite. Yeah girl. Yeah. That'd be sick. That would be your choice? Like Sprite? I guess Starry.

Just because Sprite. Yeah. I've never had that, man. Starry. Starry is like the nicer version of Sprite. Do you need like a membership to get that? Or you can just. No, you just get it at the 7-Eleven.

You just go like, hey, can I have Sprite? But for like all races of people. Yeah. Instead of just cool black guys. Yeah. That's fucking sick to you. I didn't even know that. I was going to ask.

Is it like a specific niche? Like a, it's just like, I think like a poor person thing where like, it's like the Sprite of Queens kind of. Yeah. Kind of. We're like,

if you're poor enough, you think Sprite is the same thing as water. And so you kind of just drink it to stay hydrated. Yeah. It's like those McDonald's Sprites. Yeah. Which is like the manager just pissed in there. Oh yeah.

They've never cleaned the nozzle. There's like tons of mold in it. Yeah. I feel like, dude, at those places, like if they just had someone just take a shit, like on the food and stuff, you probably wouldn't even notice, man, because there's like such dense ingredients like mayonnaise and shit. Yeah. There's just things that like I feel like take the flavor palette so that you're not

even getting the subtlety of the shit. Yeah. And, you know, you're not getting those notes because it's just so overpowered by the MSG and sodium. Yeah. I used to do that. I used to bar back. I'd have to go and like pick up people's like dirty plates and shit.

Yeah. Fucking like, dude, I would get called retarded like all the time. I think, yeah, that's the service industry though. I would just go on the back, dude, and I would just drop my fucking nuts on on people's foods i don't even know if it was the right person but no one ever noticed man sometimes you just gotta sow the seeds of chaos you know you don't necessarily have to be hitting the precise you know it's kind of like israel you know you can just like hit the general area and it's a successful mission yeah you're just kind of like behind the scenes too like no one really knows you could have inadvertently exposed a child to your nuts but like yeah that's not your fault they were in the

fucking zone dude yeah you know they were in the that'd be crazy though if one guy was like is somebody dropped their nuts on this yeah because like what do you think like what do you do as a waitress or like a waiter when someone says you're like how you you did the dad thing you go like how you know what nuts taste like my dad would always do that when he fucked up on me i'll the dad thing and you go like, how do you know what nuts taste like? My dad would always do that when he fucked up a meal. He'd be like, it tastes like shit and be like,

how do you know what shit tastes like? Are you eating shit? Yeah. Eating shit? It's a good one. Yeah. You can't come back

from that, dude. Yeah. Dude, dads always have the, like the one last, like fucking quip holstered up that kind of like,

it ultimately like will boil down to something that you can maybe answer, but they'll like kind of just lord over like the fact that they're you know the financier or the provider for you yeah because i remember when i grew my hair out long my dad told me to cut it and i was like well jesus had long hair and you know you like jesus and he's like well jesus also walked everywhere so you

can get out of the fucking bar and walk home he He made me walk home from, like, GameStop or something. I feel like older men always have, like, a bank in their head of, like, comebacks. They do. They've stolen it and curated it from, like, other older men in their time, but all those guys are dead. So, like, you can just have, like, if you're a dad and you're kind of, like, you were raised by, like, belligerent alcoholics, you can kind of, like, have a deep like belligerent alcoholics you can kind of like

have a deep bag of like mean shit to say to your kids yeah but like uh instilling fear into another man is something i uh i hope to one day accomplish you know that'd be cool yeah i see it a lot man i just like i don't know like self-defense or anything besides like pulling my pants down you know what i mean oh initiating gay sex to like yeah because most guys that will fight a stranger are like deeply homophobic or they're i think they're deeply closeted to be honest with you they just want to fucking get close to it's one or the other and sometimes it's both if that makes sense yeah but because like when you go out do you ever, like, two dudes kind of, like, get into it and they get, like, pretty close to each other? I've seen homo thugs before, for sure.

For real? Yeah, Rowe, you know Rowe Rosen? Yeah, yeah. He's my roommate for a while. And he, like, took, like, a video of these guys, like, at Fulton. And, like, one guy was just sitting, you know the benches at Fulton where you sit waiting for the train one guy was sitting and the other guy was like standing in front of him and just like was shoving his dick in the other guy's mouth holy shit and these were like these dudes were wearing like Timbs and like the Yankee fitteds you know they were like you know like real

New York style so it's consensual yeah you know you never know I think at the end of the day probably I don't know it's it's really weird but it's just like, if you're trying to keep that on the DL, why are you doing that in front of like CCTV cameras in like a very public place? Yeah. Sometimes, I guess, you know. Wait, so when did the fight come into play? Or was that the fight? No, there was no fight.

I was just saying that there was just. Oh, you were just talking about being gay. Being gay, yeah. Because fighting's gay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I see what you did there. Because why would you want to put your hands on another man? Yeah. It's almost like a form of self-defense. being gay being gay yeah because fighting's gay yeah yeah yeah i see what you did there because

why would you want to put your hands on another man yeah it's almost like a form of self-defense yeah it's essential self-central defense i think they would just need like a lot of like government funding to teach that at like uh martial arts schools yeah all the toys and stuff like you need like a big budget yeah because like you know you fight fire with fire why wouldn't you fight rape with rape yeah i guess i mean if you're a chemist you know i feel like you know more about that shit than i do but sometimes like you know opposite chemicals you know they uh create like positive chemicals you know what i mean like two like deadly chemicals like homosexuals, when they combine forces, dude, they could produce something, you know. Unique.

Yeah. Yeah. Fucking like shift the tectonic plates or something, you know what I mean? Yeah, I think that's like how Oscar nom movies happen. What type of movies? Like Oscar nominated movies. Oh, yeah. It's usually two powerful homosexual forces coalescing into like a beautiful piece of

art. And sometimes it's just a guy getting his teeth smashed out in a prison and his face fucked by another man but you know it's a it's a it's a wild wild world out there you know there's a lot of variety i used to think that about like chicks i would think like maybe like uh you know i might be retarded but maybe i'll meet like a mature young woman who can like like once we combine forces dude like fucking just break the simulation you know what i mean yeah but uh i'm still trying i just haven't really figured it out yet you know but that's like my hope that's like my false hope

that i live with what would the girl need to do to help you break the simulation like what would be her equivalent of like being like the personification of the red pill i think she would just have to have like a solid fucking roast beef sandwich dude you know what i mean oh yeah no i'm just kidding my bad matinee curtains but like you see what just happened right there yeah yeah like am i fucking i just went right to that you went right to that nothing there was no preface like there was no critical thinking so she would be the opposite like she would think before she answered that and i think if we met those two forces combining like me just saying stupid shit and her like applying like her critical thinking and rationalizing it everything yeah yeah so you need to like meet up with like

a girl that does like pr probably for somebody like Kanye or something like that. I was thinking more like a doctor, maybe like a pediatrician. That would be cool, too. I've already met one dude, and she was very autistic. Well, I feel like I would be glad if my pediatrician was autistic. I feel like I would feel... Yeah, because then you know you're leaving your child in incapable, logical hands. Yeah, because then, you know, you're leaving your, like, child and incapable logical hands. Yeah.

How far on the spectrum do you think? Um, you need it to be, like, a little past, like, GameStop employee, but not, like, all the way to where, like, it's, like, anime level autistic. Like, somewhere where, like. Like Naruto type shit? Yeah, like, you can't go that far. Yeah, like someone who would cry over, like, a Naruto episode? Yeah. Like, you need there to be some level of, like, rationality there, but you can't go that far yeah like someone who would cry over like a naruto episode yeah like you need there to be some level of like rationality there but you don't want them to be so far removed from being like a regular person that they don't like yeah you know value

the beautiful innocence and you know life of a child that makes sense yeah that would be cool though man like i feel like all i really want in life, dude, is to like, I just want to fucking golf, dude. I just want to jerk off. Okay. And I want to be like surrounded by a woman who like thinks I'm retarded, but she's like trying to help me. Yeah.

You know what I mean? But in this scenario, are you retarded or are you just, are you faking it or is it just a misconception? No, like you genuinely like, like I can be myself around her, but like like, her, like, journey in life is to, like, guide me through, like, help me find shit. I think a lot of women would argue that's just what being a girlfriend to most guys is. Yeah.

Yeah, so I think you just want a girlfriend. I think so, man. Yeah. I just can't, like, explain it. Yeah, no, I think it's natural, man. Yeah. I think that's a, I've felt those same desires myself. Yeah, are you slapping cheeks, dude? Yeah, I have a girlfriend, yeah, yeah. Fuck natural, man. Yeah. I think that's a, I've felt those same desires myself. Yeah, are you slapping cheeks, dude?

Yeah, I have a girlfriend. Yeah, yeah. Fuck yeah, man. Yeah, I have my, like, caretaker, I guess. She guides you through? Yeah, she's like, she's fully aware that I'm, like, kind of a retarded guy. Yeah, yeah. But is, like, I think enough, she's amused by me enough and feels that there's enough security.

Yeah. You know, there's something about, like, you know, she's, like, she's like watching me play marvel spider-man too like she doesn't have to worry what uh what device ps5 okay yeah because ps5 only yeah you're an interesting guy man you look like fucking you're related to steven seagal for some reason dude oh really yeah but like not not actually i feel like you would look more like a Steven Seagal. Really? Like relative than... Yeah, you have this like the broad like kind of... Maybe like Jocko Willink. Features, yeah. I look like Jocko Willink's like retarded son or something.

I think those are the same kind of guy. I think they have equal level proficiency in martial arts and are equally as capable of handling domestic terrorists and terrorists abroad. Yeah, hold on. I'm going to take this off, dude. Yeah, you can, man. Fucking sweat my tits off dude my little gooch shed the armor dude yeah i don't feel right dude if i'm not wearing my polo sometimes yeah you do have that on all day baby constantly yeah oh did you feel that i did feel that i've never actually met a guy that wore a collared polo underneath a hoodie.

Yeah, it was getting hot, dude. No, it's okay, man. Not like literally hot, dude. It was getting like, you know. Yeah. Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Yeah. What's your go-to swag, man?

Because you always look like swagged out. I like varying it up. I don't like... what's your go-to like swag man because you always look like i like swagged out i like varying it up i don't like uh i i think i'm like um swag bisexual or like i have like you know like very like i don't know just whatever hand me down yeah clothes you look fucking dope as shit dude no homo oh dude pause pause with that but thank you yeah um what does that what does that mean uh pause i believe that is like you know it's uh the urban vernacular patois way of saying like no homo it's just more of like the cool newbie okay i've heard a few people say it man so i just had to write that down on my head for next time it's very new york yeah they say pause you think that's cooler

than no homo though dude because i feel like no homo has been around for a while i think that it's like it's the there's something of uh there's a stigma to you know there's a stigma behind no homo yeah that uh people that that would maybe apply to in an actual sense get mad at it yeah so in a way uh cool black guys in new york found a way to circumvent it by bringing back an oldie but a goodie which is pause you know positive yeah like you're like pause like what you mean you know and i think as a as a guy that is the exact opposite of a cool black guy it's very funny to take that and do it but like in my voice how do you feel when guys uh kind of like give you a compliment followed by no homo like you feel good i feel good in the in the general sense i think there's actually a sense of relief because if they don't throw that in there then like kind of the dad voice in your head's

just calling you gay yeah and for the the other party to kind of uh you know kind of stoke those fears you know and just kind of push them aside and be like no it's not gay actually i meant that is just like you know player to player respect you know it feels nice in moderation yeah you don't want to be you know like a hair in my mouth dude yo dude you're good man yeah you don't you don't get crazy with it yeah yeah man i uh i think i'm just gonna keep saying no homo i really like it if you like it man as long as you're not egregious with it i feel like most people kind of rock with it you know i just i just like the the new york style of saying pause yeah it makes me feel like i'm not a transplant do you have like an outfit though that you can rock with where you feel like if you were gonna go to war you know like if you knew it was your last day dude maybe

your girlfriend just broke up with you or something and you're just trying to fucking like i'm gonna crispin while my girlfriend or am i gonna like just like you're a venture capitalist who just got broken up with and you're trying to fucking be mayor of titty city dude like are you gonna what are you gonna throw on i don't know i guess it depends on what part of town i am in you know like if i'm going somewhere like i'm going to like the stand you know i'm gonna probably do the do the cool like wigger guy thing where like i wear like a like, a windbreaker that's really cool and then, like, cool sneakers. But if I was walking out and about in Brooklyn, I'd probably dress like this, throw on some, like, you know, some boots, some, like, work boots on. Are you smelling pussy out there, like, when you're dressed nice like that?

No, I kind of have, like, girlfriend powers where, like, there's kind of just a force field of, like, relationship-induced autism when I have a girlfriend. Yeah. Where, like, I'm not even perceiving any of that. Like, a girl could come up blatantly hitting on me, and I would just kind of, like, hit her with, like, the World War II facts.

A little stiff arm action. Yeah, a little bit. Derrick Henry stiff arm type shit. Yeah, a little bit. Kind of just pushing through. Hit her with the fucking Charles Xavier. Oh, fuck. Be like, oh, do you fucking know about Dragon Ball Z?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she kind of gets repelled. I thought that was like a gun. I thought you were going to do a little Russian roulette type shit. Threaten to kill myself. No, I'm trying to get the pussy away and not attract it to me. Dude, sometimes that works, though, dude. Dude, women love a guy who's about to kill himself.

Suicide watch type shit. They're like, yo, I'm about to get all this pussy, homie. People love a project. Yeah. That would be wild dude dress up in like fucking uh like fucking savage on your nuts you just dressed up in like a jean jacket like jean pants but you have a gun dude yeah you're like yo it's just like johnny depp and you yeah you have like dior cologne you have like a fake gun you're like yo it's suicide watch baby

i feel like that would that would fucking there'd be some flash flood warnings Yeah, you have like Dior cologne on. You have like a fake gun. You're like, yo, it's suicide watch, baby. I feel like that would fucking, there'd be some flash flood warnings. With the right kind of ladies, yeah. Yeah, if you take that shit to Bushwick. Oh, yeah. I think it would be even cool if you brought a real gun that was loaded, dude. Just start putting off like, just start blind firing. I think my girlfriend would shoot me in the head if I had a real gun around. Yeah, I'm just saying if she wasn't there.

If she wasn't there, wasn't there i would yeah yeah i i would but if she was there i'd like i feel like i could hand her a loader gun before i even like explained her like don't take you know yeah i think you know the only thing saving me would be that she doesn't know what a safety is and how to take it off safety off dude fully loaded actually yeah just hand your girlfriend a loaded safety off gun not even a gun just the switch you know fully automatic uzi you bought from a fucking guy off the one train yeah you just shoot up like a fucking taco stand no that'd be fucked i feel like blind fire into the move you can't get any of this on the fucking east coast and it'd be good it's always better on the west coast do you have like a place you would shoot up like if you had the option oh without killing

anyone like just like a store like you would really fucking fuck oh you like pulp fiction like kind of just like miss every shot i'm just thinking like you running down the road full like full 40 yard dash type shit and then you slide like you're sliding into third base trying to dodge a fucking a swipe and then you shoot simultaneously like what place are you shooting at that's tough um maybe a best buy i agree man i've said this before dude yeah i would fucking blow that place up yeah there's just so much like nice stuff in there and like the intrusive thought i always have when i like pass by a flat screen tv be like what if i just smash the fuck out of that tv yeah yeah and just to do that to like a thousand tvs at once i feel like you'd have

to leave the collectively make every dad on the planet lose his shit that would be so fucking stupid yeah every dad would just hike his pants a little higher above his belly button yeah dude dude i would uh i'd shoot up a fucking uh like a jd by rider you ever been there i don't even know what that is is that like a pharmacy no it's like a car rental place oh yeah okay so is this like fox or more closer to like a herds uh well i'm gonna be honest man it's not even like a car rental place but they uh i went there when i was younger with my mom and uh they sat us down and like kind of like walked us through shit for like a few hours and then they dropped the bomb on us dude they were like this we we finance only

okay so they wasted like a lot of our time but i just remember like being in there and being like dude if i ever get the chance i'm gonna fucking light this place up yeah it was one of those places man like no one really goes inside and when they do they almost like kind of hold you captive you ever been inside like a furniture store like a fucking bob's discount furniture something yeah the second you come through the door they're fucking putting you in a show cold dude like yeah because those guys like i don't get entirely paid off commission or whatever yeah they make you buy shit you don't need and stuff man yeah that would be a good place to shoot up that's why you gotta go to the rich people places that you can't afford stuff yeah or like the sales people want you to come up to them where it's like they're the girl yeah almost

and you're gonna be like excuse me i'd like to buy this ten thousand dollar account she's like they're the girl. Yeah. Almost. And you're going to be like, excuse me, I'd like to buy this $10,000 couch. She's like, really? You would? And you're like, you're right. I can't afford it. Yeah. It would be funny to buy the, like say you're going to buy the couch

and have them like bring it out to the front and then shoot up the furniture store. That would be kind of cool. And just steal the couch too. You know what I mean? Yeah. What are some other good places to shoot up? Like the first scene of Batman with the school school bus except like you're stealing a fucking

couch oh like in the dark night yeah yeah yeah i always liked imagining that scene but it's like guys just trying to get like uh the fucking you know like a warhammer at like gamestop or just whatever new playstation game it is i think when i thought about it as a kid it was like that was when the new um the new fucking uh what's it called skyrim was coming out yeah that'd be a good sketch idea dude yeah yeah if you ever want to film that jump down that could be that could be fun um i don't know where we would get the school bus maybe we could steal like one of those hasidic school buses in williamsburg yeah and do it because they kind of just leave those wherever the fuck they want i feel like a school bus really wouldn't be that hard to steal man because they put them all in the same like lot a lot but the jewish ones for like the hasidic people just to get back at the jews

well and not well i guess yeah not in like the jewish just more in the sense that those specific jews like to park it literally in the middle of the road when it's like a busy day yeah i saw your story the other day man i've heard i've heard some shit about that yeah it's kind of it's honestly inspired me to where like if i get a car in the city i think i'm just gonna slap some hebrew on the side of it so i never get a ticket anywhere in brooklyn you think that would work yeah i think they just really are just like cops in general whenever they see that shit they're just like i'm not dealing with that it was the same thing during COVID where they weren't getting vaccinated and they were still like fucking meeting up when everybody else was locked down. Oh, really? Yeah.

And they're like, well, what's it going to look like if we take out fire hoses right now and spray these guys? What are the requirements to be an acidic Jew? You have to make your wife shave her head. Really? You have to have like Britney Spears type shit? No, not on some Britney Spears shit. It's just on some religious type shit where you got to shave her head and make her wear a wig. What do you do?

Just bring your wife to super cuts and let it happen? Or you do it yourself? I think you have to make her do it herself. And she has to tearfully do it. And if she doesn't cry, you have to yell at her. What about her vajayjay, dude? Do you keep that thing full grown? I don't know.

I've never seen a Hasidic woman's vajayjay. That would be wild, dude. Having a wife with a shaved head and a full her vajayjay dude. She keep that thing full-grown. I don't know. I've never seen a city That would be wild dude having a wife with a shaved head and a full-grown vajayjay. That would kind of be sick Yeah, I think that would be kind of awesome her walking into fucking Bob's discount furniture, dude. You're shooting it up Yeah, that would be sick. Imagine being the manager there when that happens. You have to explain that Hasidic woman that like the avatar showed up and just shot up the place? Yeah. Shit. Yeah.

Master of all four elements. Interest rates. Yeah, dude. Pearl clutching. Being annoying. What would the fourth one be? If it's a girl, then avoiding the... Avoiding eye contact no avoiding like she's

blind firing she's you know but no more of their insane ability the women for whatever reason seem to bypass all the defects of inbreeding and that community whereas it hits the guys pretty hard yeah yeah which you know nothing wrong with that dude yeah no though, dude. Yeah, no, I mean, fuck it. Royal people do it. Yeah. If you have the option in the future, like, if you have, like, a son or something, you think you would, like, maybe dabble in, like, some genetic modification? I have thought about, like, putting, like, HGH in my kids' Froot Loops so that they become jacked and strong. I think they would just get hairy now. Maybe.

I don't actually know enough about science, and I don't think it would be responsible for me to do that but i think in my mind it would like kind of have like popeye spinach rules where like it just kind of yokes them up and makes them like able to dunk and do cool shit you just throwing haymakers at people like for no reason oh yeah dude imagine if like you had to fuck your fucking baby goes around beating the shit out of people. Yeah. Nobody's going to call that in. Yeah. It's like, oh, my God, Wolfgang, are you hanging out with Joe Rogan?

He's like, no, this is just my baby I feed HGH to. Just let him loose, dude. He just looks and sounds like Joe Rogan because I've fucked his body up. If you could, though, if you could genetically modify your son, is that what you would do is just make him jacked? Make him jacked and fucking cool, yeah powerful yeah i think i would like i'd go like i'd take it a step further dude yeah maybe make my son have like six dicks six like an utter of dicks yeah that'd be pretty sick six dicks always hard dude never flaccid oh always hard always hard oh he's gonna be retarded then all that yeah you need that blood going to your brain you can't always be but dude that's the whole point

man like if you're gonna get genetically modified just go all the way dude yeah dude i would want like a like a tit hands too soft i would want a tit like on the back of his head so he looks like some sort of like mortal combat figure too oh so you're fully making like a cronenberg yeah dude i'm trying to fucking start a world war oh no i'm just trying to're fully making like a cronenberg yeah dude i'm trying to fucking start a world war oh no i'm just trying to make my kids like a jacked like cooper flag i'm not trying to you're thinking about the future i'm thinking about yeah i'm thinking about the future of the nba you want like a full full ride yeah like full ride but like also like i want to teach him i want him to have the explosiveness and athleticism needed to like

be d1 but i also want him to have like yeah the fast twitch and the athleticism needed to, like, beat D1. Fast twitch. But I also want him to have, like, yeah, the fast twitch. But the fast twitch only goes so far, even with a good diet. A lot of the fast twitch guys end up having career-ending injuries. Like, I want him to also have a good, like, midi game, you know, where he can hit a J from, like, the baseline or something. You know, he doesn't always need to be driving to the fucking paint. Because that'll give you fucking, at best, tendonitis, you know? Yeah, I mean, he'd already be balling out if he has a mid-J.

Yeah. That mid-J is underrated, dude. Getting to your spot like fucking Kawhi, dude, and just flicking the wrist. Yeah, you just hit the mid-J. That takes you to the next level, man. It really does. You know, that triple threat type shit.

Yeah, because everybody's thinking paint and perimeter. Nobody's thinking about the fucking top-G. Yeah, everyone's thinking like Steph Curry type shit, but they don't know what he's been through. They don't know that he started at that mid-J and then worked his way out. Kids nowadays are just starting from full core, dude, just throwing fucking Hail Marys

and, like, fucking knocking out English teachers. Now you got to take it out step by step, you know? There are, like, some films online, dude, that just, like, it'll be, like, mixtapes of kids who, like, think they're steph curry dude and they're just throwing like full-on hail marys from like three-fourths of the court and just like knocking out like english teachers it's funny because they always have like they always have like some hardcore rap music playing in the background it's like that song flick of

the wrist you remember that song yeah look at the flick of the wrist yeah that was that was a big and one mixtape song do you ever uh fucking 20 you ball out you ball out casually i haven't balled out in a minute but i used to play a lot of pickup yeah yeah yeah fucking the last time i played pickup though i like blew my hamstring just going for a rebound and i was like yeah fucking it's tough man yeah you know the athleticism wore off i had like black guy athleticism when i was a teenager but then really yeah i kind of just went away because i started eating like shit and like not exercising as much that'll do it man yeah it'll do but then you try to do the same things you did when you were athletic yeah i feel like you just

got to get into like that knees over toes type shit or just kill yourself man you know what i mean there's only two paths so either join a CrossFit gym or dude, just fucking get diabetes. Like there's no in between. There really isn't. You can't, you can't. It's a tough option too. It's like you got to play to the sides. You can't, you know, stay in the middle geographically, depending on like where you are in the country to like join a CrossFit gym could change your life forever, man. I think like, yeah, that's why it's hard. Cause in New York you can't fucking get jacked for shit because a gym's like $5,000 or it's like $1 and you're like working out with like guys that are built like a fucking pit bull. Yeah.

And they yell at you for using the Smith machine. Yeah. Yeah. CrossFit gyms around here, though, even like the there's not like a lot of pussy per capita here. There's not like a lot of pussy per capita here. But I've driven by a CrossFit gym down the road, man, and I've never seen like so much sweat and like labia in the same area. Unless like we're talking about like maybe like massage envy.

Yeah. It's crazy, bro. It's like a pussy convention, dude. Yeah, we got to get you some raw pussy tonight. I got a spot at the stand. You want to go try to get some raw pussy at the stand? I corral in a girl for you but dude you know what i'm saying though right i know what you're saying but the fact that you're sensitized to that shit because i've shut that part of my brain off i'm almost like you know like the fish market type shit yeah like you know like in spider-man 2 when he like throws his fucking costume in the trash and

like doesn't have his powers anymore yeah that's what i'm like with like being like a poon hound these days so like i'm like kind of blinded to that oh dude i'm not getting it though i'm just talking about it no but kind of like a politician when it comes to pussy but that's how you get is you tell you you lay out the game plan oh you think i'm manifesting it i think you're you're yeah you're man abreasting it yeah yeah i wish dude i think i'm just doing drive-bys kind of like end of watch type shit to like a fish market, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, you're like not even going after like conventional women anymore, you're just trying to get like a Chinese lady like with a cleaver in her hand and like chopping

off fish heads and try to get her to give you some head. Oh dude, I'm literally, I'm fucking like finger banging like a rotisserie chicken, dude. Oh no, not at you. But I'm spending like three years like manifesting it like drawing charts and shit yeah in my fucking honda accord that's kind of beautiful yeah just listening to like fucking ccr dude and then one day i finally go in there dude just absolutely like my fucking fingers cramp up like the swat team rolls in oh no you know fortunate son plays in the background while you're getting fucking pressed up against the deli meats yeah yeah i like kind of like it though

they like back off for a second they have to like haze you unconscious because you keep getting hard uh not a bad way to go out man yeah that'd be really funny if like you know like how sometimes when like guys are like leaving the courthouse and they have like the chain that attaches to their like from their handcuffs to their like feet cuffs yeah it's like one of those but the other one attaches to your dick dude can i can i ask you something though yeah what's up like man to man bro man to man what's up player have you ever like seen uh have you ever like been to the like rotisserie chicken section at a supermarket and like thought about sticking your dick in there i want to say yes because that would be the funny answer but no yeah i was just trying to like feel

you out man see if like no i've never thought i don't really what about like uh chicken breasts in general like the they're like kind of raw you never thought about like making love to that section of the supermarket no i feel like i'm such like a germaphobe like even if there was like a really voluptuous chicken i would be thinking about the salmonella you know wow man yeah but like if you get me around a bunch of kids no i'm just kidding yeah no i feel you dude um yeah but no i'm trying to think if i've ever gotten like horny for something that's like amorphous or just like uh just a you know a piece of food or an object trying to think um i feel like maybe uh you probably have dude but maybe you just like don't want to no i'm I'm trying to fit, like, maybe, like,

even if, like, it was, like, a couch cushion or something. I think, like, no. But one time, like, I was, I thought I was spooning my girlfriend, and I was, like, spooning my dog, and my dick got a little hard. And that was a little weird. So it was, like, kind of dark in the room? Yeah, it was at, like, four in the morning, and then, like, I was, like, wait, why is my girlfriend hairy?

And I was, like, fucking get off. And then, like, I pushed him out of the bed and then like because he got was he digging it or no i don't think he was just curled up in a ball it was more like i don't know it was like if you i i don't even really kind of fully remember because it was like in the middle of the night but i just remember thinking like waking up thinking i was about to cuddle my girlfriend and be like, oh, this. And then just got soft immediately after figuring out it was my dog. But it shows that you can trick a man into being horny for anything if he doesn't know what he's being horny for. Yeah, he doesn't know what's behind the wall. Yeah. The wall of cocks, dude.

Yeah. I think about that sometimes. The veil of mystery. Yeah, I used to have a moped, dude, and it would go like 30 miles an hour. Okay. I saw one of my buddies, man. moped dude and it would go like 30 miles an hour okay i saw one of my buddies man he was fishing on this like uh this road where there's like a reservoir and i kind of like drove by and uh he needed a ride and i was like you can hop on the back man if you want and i'm not gonna lie

dude like the whole the whole ride i was just like dude like don't get hard right now yeah because it was like the wind was kind of blowing like nice it was like a fall day man i think we're going like 30 miles an hour so we're going like max speed and there was like a lot of foliage around and i was like dude if you get hard right now like it's over you know what i mean damn that is yeah but it kind of like made me think like if i didn't know who was on the back you know like would i be fucking boned up you know because if like if that happened i think dude if you get hard in that situation i feel like best option is to just drive into like a fucking tree full speed yeah yeah yeah whiskey bottles brand new car dude and that oak

tree's in my way and i'm hard as fuck yeah yeah just throw on some skinnered and fucking you know funny of a movie that would be oh that'd be awesome like a three minute like short clip yeah it would be like one of those things that like ari aster made in like film school yeah and they're like it'd be like one of those things like it just doesn't make it because it's just like too much yeah i mean i don't know there's you can get out a lot of stuff like that the fucking ari aster guy he did have a film and um in uh in like grad school i guess he went to like i don't know if he went to nyu who's ari aster he's the guy that did hereditary and like some of those like new horror movies and like bow is afraid you know like stuff that like fucking guys that dress like me

talk about to sound smart but it's a it's like a you know he's a good director but hereditary like fucking uh is it like some sort of like um human centipede type shit it sounds like it no but it's more of like a like a body horror like i guess but not in the same way as Human Centipede is. But it deals with mysticism and witchcraft. Is that anal? No, but a girl has a peanut allergy and she starts to go into anaphylactic shock and her brother's driving her to the hospital. And she sticks her head out the window and her head just fucking flies clean off and dies and like the mom's pissed the mom is pissed yeah that her son got the girl killed yeah let's just say she's not having it yeah uh and you know the whole movie

kind of delves around just like the whole family structure breaking down after that and people kind of losing their minds yeah so it's a lot of psychological elements but the first movie he did in film school was about like this like black family it's called like meet the johnsons or something like that and it's like starts with like this little kid he's like 13 he's like jacking off in his room he's like jacking his little ween yeah and he's like looking at like a picture jacking off his dad comes in his dad's like oh and it kind of understands the gravity it's pretty cool about it understands the gravity of it is like i'm sorry and he's in his mind is like my son's growing up and then he pans and you see that he's jacking off the picture of his dad and it like escalates to where like you start

seeing them grow up through the years and the son son becomes bigger than the dad, and you kind of get the impression that the son is sexually abusing and raping his father. And it gets to the point where the son graduates and has a family of his own, and while they're at his parents' house, I can't remember how it ends, because I just had to kind of tune out after this point i kind of hit my wall and the fact that this isn't even a white family it's a black family

they got like black actors to agree to this it's like so you don't remember how it ended uh he like drops a plate intentionally while doing dishes and like to kind of get him alone with his dad and his like the mom and his wife like leave and his dad's just like no no and he rapes his dad i think he fucks his dad to death maybe oh shit yeah and so like the movie ends it's like a it's a short film but yeah it was uh it was a lot and it's just i like maybe this is like revealing my own ignorance but like I feel like white people in art have like less of a threshold of self respect whereas like

black people will say no to things and that's just a thing I would have thought unequivocally I know like people are no race is a monolith but I would think in my every black person I knew in acting would say no to that movie uh but how old is the the movie like when was it made it was probably made in like the 2010s like

when he was in college um so movies are still kind of like pumping kind of every once in a while they put out a banger that kind of you know zigs when you think it's gonna zag but because movies nowadays man they're fucking ass you know yeah like what's in what are movies you've been watching anything on netflix really man that's like kind of trending yeah the straight to netflix movies have kind of been dookie balls yeah they got like a new movie now it's called like uglies i watched like 15 minutes of it it's like with that dude from fucking outer banks who who looks like fucking Brad Pitt's dick. Oh.

And like just the fact that he's in a movie called Uglies is fucking retarded, dude. You know, it's like if you're going to make a movie called Uglies, like put someone named fucking Olga in there and just like, you know. Yeah, they keep getting a lot of untalented people breaking into the industry because I think we have like this generation finally finally like because film has only been around for so long we're like they're the kind of the retards of the successful uh socialites of hollywood yeah are growing up like the their children that are kind of not as talented and they're kind of taking up all the jobs where it's like i feel like they used to just find all of our best actors like fucking you know either

they were child actors or they just found like i was like oh yeah i was we were working on the film and we found matthew mcconaughey and like a fucking tire shop and we're like yeah i like this guy's vibe yeah you know i'm saying like they used to find people where it's like now it feels like and everything's so incestuous that it's kind of yeah they're all just gay they're all gay nepotistic hires and you know yeah they just they just don't they don't fucking have the swag we do yeah but like a lot of dudes are coming out like uh not out of the closet but they're just kind of like some of the old the old ogs man they're like yo you know hollywood sucks man because it kind of does it's um in some ways it doesn't in some ways i feel like they're being sour sour pusses yeah where it's like i went and watched megalopolis and it's just like dude

francis four is fucking it was i think maybe the movie should have been four hours long so it could make sense but like yeah it was just an all over the place it felt like they let a guy with dementia make the film and it's like you know that's the guy that did apocalypse now like the godfather but i just think like in general like whether it's stand-up or like movies and shit they just have a lot of old heads that like have this kind of invisible tenure that doesn't actually exist but we like tacitly treat it like it's real yeah so like you know like jim norton goes up and does a bit you'd hear at an open mic and everybody's like isn't that so genius and you're like no I think he's just old and he should just kind of find something else to do yeah no offense you know everybody has their time in the sun I think it's about taking risks you know not being like generic yeah because like when when you watch a movie especially nowadays

man you know like there's that movie uh what is it called what's that movie where they fucking... The first scene, dude, it's just them rolling up to an abandoned gas station and just shooting it up with thousands of rounds of ammunition. I think that just might have been something on the news. I think that just might have been Sunnyside. I don't know. Who's in it? The dude from 300's in it jar butler

is that his name is he the guy that plays leonidas i think so yeah yeah he's in it okay was this a recent movie or was this an older movie yeah it might be like maybe no more than 10 years old yeah i can't remember man but it's just like the first scene like you're like laughing your ass off because it's like holy shit dude you know just ammo flying everywhere it's just like this huge gunfight that's crazy like there's no fucking way this is the first scene of a movie you know what i mean it's almost like driving through a house it's a wild cold open yeah because i feel like if i ever made a movie that's what i would do just to like really get people's attention yeah i feel like you'd get a lot of people's attention but you'd also get

like at least 10 people just walking out of the theater people do that with fucking you know they like oh really yeah like some scenes will open in a movie in the opening scenes like somebody getting fucked and it's just like whoa it's a fucking risky movie here some lady is getting fucking taken to pound town oh this movie's not gonna be pulling any punches yeah and that's sort of like a cheap way to do it i mean i remember my dad said when he was like 20 he took my grandma to go see uh my dinner with andre which is like that like wallace sean and like andre the giant and like the whole movie is them getting on the train in new york and then just having dinner and they all they don't leave the table the whole movie and film takes place at

them at the dinner table i'm pretty sure and my grandma thought that somehow my dad like was just pulling the best prank of all time on her and that he made this movie and then it wasn't a real movie and she got pissed off and left the movie theater and he just watched the rest of the movie by himself yeah it's hilarious dude if you were gonna like make a film like what do you would you kind of make it like the black film you described or the black film yeah that's that's what we're calling it the black film uh well i'd make barbershop five okay i don't even know if there's a fourth one really there's three i there's i think there's a fourth one no i would um maybe make a i don't know i would like want to make a fucking um like a serial killer movie or something like that because you kind of remind me of like uh you ever seen the

league it was fantasy football yeah and then steve ran as easy yeah yeah i've seen a couple episodes yeah so like steve run as easy's wife and that yeah is uh in real life married to uh the other dude like the generic guy i forgot his name and uh white guy or is he the greek guy jason manzoukas is also in that i think yeah it's not jason jason plays rafi and he screams yeah he has a when i should i come yeah yeah uh but yeah so steve earn is easy's wife in that in real life is married to like um one of like the main characters just like a normal he's like the most normal character but uh i guess they they make movies that are like fucking weird man and not weird and like uh not like horror like fucking type weird it's just like one of those movies where like the ocean's like a boner and like oh that's cool people are like you know like jerking each other off during like a lunar eclipse oh that's pretty

cool like then like a fucking oil rig blows up and like by the end of the movie like the whole meaning of the whole movie was about like equality and shit you're like holy fuck yeah that's too fucking highfalutin in concept for my gay ass but yeah i i respect i'm just saying it's out there man it is i think you need like a specific i like the way jim jarmusch does stuff do you know that guy's no's like this guy. He's like a director that's been around for a while, but he'll just like blow all of his budget on the casting, and then there won't be like hardly any budget left for the rest of the film. So it's these like almost like very minimal, small scale, like location shot films, but with like really like, you know,

cool actors in it. Like he did this one called mystery train there's a movie or like a short film it's a full-length movie and mystery train's just about like all these people in fucking memphis tennessee it starts out with these like this japanese couple that doesn't speak any english and they just want to go see like elvis and like different fucking blues icon it's like you know yeah stomping grounds in memphis and then this one with like a fucking uh like a british guy that wants to kill himself and steve buchem he's his brother and then uh there's also this italian lady who's like husband rich husband

died while they were like in a layover in memphis so now she has to like wait a night so they can like uh i guess you know a mortician can work on the body and they can fly him back to italy and it's just the movie goes nowhere it just kind of shows how all of their the events of their night kind of connect to each other but it's great and it's like realistic it's realistic and it ends with like steve beshemmy getting shot in the fucking leg trying to keep this british guy from killing himself yeah and they got to take him to like a hospital and yeah that's fucking sick man that's because that's the way to go i feel like it's like realistic films that's what i'm into now because i spent most of my uh my young years watching like uh hallmark movies oh yeah where

it would be like a dude like in high school like eating crayons were you like stuck at your like grandma's house or something because i watched a lot of hallmark movies when my grandma watched me no i had a i have a sister who's a year older so we would watch kind of like lifetime movies and like hallmark movies oh yeah where it's like uh it's like some dude who has like uh he's like eating crayons in class with like a boner. And then like, there's like another dude who's in a relationship with like the hottest chick in school.

And he's like throwing haymakers at her in the parking lot. And that dude just like runs over and fucking like saves the day. Yeah. And then like takes the girl and like, they go to like a diner and start making out. Yeah. And I always thought like in my head, like that would come to like a diner and start making out yeah and i always thought like in my head like that would come to like fruition in my life yeah i slowly realized that it's you know unrealistic

and uh so now i'm more into like realistic films where it's like that kid in real life gets the fucking shit kicked out of him and then he opens up like his own tech company maybe become sort of like a elon musk type guy yeah he's just like out to get people now yeah that's the thing that uh movies never quite like captured uh with like bullies like the at least with the coming of age high school movies is that like the the altercation always ends before the like the the nerd kid overextends himself or whatever. Yeah. Or, like, does something that...

That's what would happen. It would either... Like, it would be like a kid either doing something that you'd see in one of those movies, and it just sounds so cheesy and stupid in real life that everybody's, like, no sympathy for him whatsoever. Yeah, you're, like, calling a girl a princess. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And, you know, he's, like, doing, like, trying to do princess yeah and he's you know he's like doing like trying to do like fucking you know jujitsu kaizen moves on the fucking bully yeah or like you know you had in back in my day you have the fucking kid who like we get called gay and then he would just tell you what the definition of gay was yeah and you'd be like oh yeah fucking get him i don't like i don't care anymore i was on your his side until the yeah he said that now i'm kind of like maybe bullies are part of an ecosystem and we shouldn't interfere with that yeah yeah yeah yeah man i wish i knew earlier though because if you watch too many of those man it's like takes over your mind you just keep grinding dude you're like dude

i'm gonna get one one day you know oh yeah you dude you're waiting for like a thing that's never gonna come yeah still i am dude you know i think you're making moves you know you're you're playing that would be sick though to like meet a chick at a diner you know like you're reading i don't even know what i'd be reading dude yeah that'd be funny just like reading like a book which has like a bunch of dick drawings on it. She like walks by and she's like, well, it's hilarious.

You're like, yeah. Thanks. It's just how I roll. You guys both get like fucking an omelet. Yeah, it's just you looking at your joke book and just all caps, just the N word completely spelled out across an entire page. And you're just like, wow, this is like really avant-garde.

And you're like, thanks, I'm racist. You're like hops in your fucking like 05 Honda, dude. Just peel out in the parking lot. 05 Honda Civic or Accord? Probably a Civic. Civic. Spoiler on the Civic? Yeah, dude, dual exhaust.

Yeah, Vietnamese style. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude. Dual exhaust. Yeah, Vietnamese style. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're a Vietnamese guy in a racing game. Time to get in my car and get my pussy. Yeah. I think I'm in park, dude. No, I think I'm in drive, but I'm actually in reverse. Dude.

I did that once with my mom's car. I was peeling into the cross-country practice because I have my permit and she's letting me drive and i i didn't throw it into her but i like threw it immediately into park before coming to a stop and you could just hear something break in the car and my mom's just like you fucking retard the windows are completely down i'm just getting like smacked upside the head in front of all the senior girls i'm like a sophomore you probably fucking blew the transmission something like that yeah i definitely like fucked something up she had to go take it to the shop later and i didn't really get to drive it until i you know yeah yeah i screamed at you in front of the the titties though dude unfortunately the sweet beautiful angel saw me get fucking put in my place yeah fuck dude my friend uh you have to

get out of the car and be like yeah i usually don't let her talk to me that way yeah usually if you weren't here i'd probably give her a one two little smack yeah your mom's like what was that like nothing dude my uh one of my friends had like a really cool mom yeah she wasn't like a milf or anything but she was pretty cool man and uh we were like 15 dude i love the disclaimer yeah i wouldn't fuck but like i really respected her yeah dude she uh she was wicked cool man great personality bro you're telling me all i need to hear yeah i think about her a lot still yeah um but dude one day we were like 15 we were in the stop and shop parking lot dude

getting snacks for a sleepover yeah she just gave us money to go buy snacks so dude i got like fucking 10 things of oreos like i was fat as fuck dude that's so awesome and uh so we come back in the car and she's like uh his name was joe she's like joe you want to like uh drive a little bit because like a parking lot was kind of empty and shit so like joe's driving around dude like fucking crushing it dude like dude knew what he was doing and uh she kind of felt bad for me so i was like john you want to drive and i was like yeah like i've never driven before though and she was like yeah i'll show you or whatever dude i get in the fucking car literally dude i just I just put my foot on the gas full speed. We hit like 45 miles an hour, and then I just slammed on the brakes, dude.

And her fucking head smashed the dashboard, dude. I think I gave her like a full-on concussion, dude. And my head smashed against the fucking steering wheel. And she was just like, what the fuck, dude? She was just so confused, man. She didn't give me any directions to do anything. I was just like, let's fucking get it. You know?

I saw Talladega Nights, dude. I was like, let's fucking go. Yeah. You imagine the cougar in the back. Yeah. I was just trying to make her wet, dude. Damn, dude. Instead you gave her fucking CTE.

That's like that Tyreek fucking Hill, the fucking running back for the Miami Dolphins. Yeah. He invited this like absolute pog, you know, like thick queen, British, like Instagram model. She's fat? No, she's like, you know know she's like what would be for the modeling industry be considered fat but like for like cool black guys and dudes that like ass like just be like you know she thick you know she's just a fucking white lady with a big ass yeah you know and uh but and you know natural prey for a for a fucking successful you know multi-millionaire athlete but he brings her

over and like they're running like plays for this like i guess like the camp he's running for kids and like she gets in a play and it's just kind of supposed to be a fun playing around thing and she kind of like blows through him and kind of decks him a little bit yeah so next play of the game he just fucking tanks her and shatters her leg. Holy shit. Like, he's got an ongoing active lawsuit against him because he just fucking could not handle getting decked by a thick queen. And just, like, fucking piledrope. This is all on video?

I don't think. No, it wasn't on video. It was just hearsay. This is just what's come out, I think, in depositions. But, like, it's just, like, there's so many, like, eyewitness accounts of, like, yeah yeah he just fucking floored her the next play damn dude he just couldn't take it just he's been uh he's been throwing hands with chicks for a while hasn't he i think it's like there is like a yeah there's a an ongoing trend with him i think it's just like it's like white chicks all the time so black people still kind of rock with them yeah to my understanding uh which is just very funny it was like your honor the bitch was white

come on i wonder what they're uh not to be like too edgy but i wonder what those chicks are saying to make these guys start throwing straight up haymakers you know what i mean i don't know i think like it could vary they could be just saying some foul shit or just like just sometimes the act of a woman being able to remember and recollect more things than a man can yeah really pisses some guys off i think it's a little jealousy type situation well yeah just girls will go into an argument with a full clip whereas like guys you have like a musket round you have like one round and she'll be like name another time i did that and you'll be like fuck i don't know they have like a whole history book of shit

like a whole catalog they're kind of like batmania they just have a full like plan and contingency plan for their plan you know they just they're they're prepared every time they go into an argument because they're like kind of prepping the argument whereas guys are just blindsided every time yeah yeah that makes sense yeah only the only thing you can do at that point is start throwing hands for some men yeah for me i just i fucking i sit my white ass down i say what can i do yeah to make it better and then usually they don't have an answer for that it's like i don't know i kind of just wanted to like yell at you yeah and you're like okay do you want to do that and you're like yeah can i just yell at you for a couple minutes i'm like that's fine that's what makes

you feel better i'm gonna be playing playstation while you do it yeah fuck yeah i did that with a grain of salt i think you're doing the right thing man anything like uh to avoid throwing hands you know what i mean yeah i just never the option has never really occurred to me because it's just like i don't know it's never really thought i mean that would be kind of funny like don't get me wrong but like i've never really it's never crossed i get like furious and like that's not what crosses my mind what crosses my mind is like what if i just pulled a loaded gun out and shot myself in the head in front of this woman and ruined her life forever that's like the crazy thought i have it's never like let me smack this girl it's like yeah let me just blow my brains out in front of her and

it's like let me hurt myself forever alter her ability to have intimacy with another man. Yeah, she has trauma for the rest of her life, dude. Yeah, and I'm free. Yeah. But then I chill out. What do I do with my fucking phone, dude? Do you ever think you have CTE? I've been thinking about that about myself lately.

Oh, yeah. Because I've gotten knocked on the melon a couple times. I mean, honestly, man, like, things have been happening throughout my life myself lately because i've gotten knocked on the melon a couple times i mean honestly man like things have been happening throughout my life where i think i'm just like schizophrenic and i just haven't found out yet i kind of feel like i'm gonna i'm gonna wake up from like a fog one day and i'm just gonna be like jerking off outside of like a david's bridal yeah just surrounded by police the fact that i if anything yeah your pulls like david's bridal just pulling that out of the back that is

very yeah that's uh you're telling the line that's what being i think a good comic is though it's like yeah see how close you can get to schizophrenia without fucking dipping over the line yeah but i mean it's pretty realistic man like if i was schizophrenic i feel like that would be a viable option for sure you know would it have to specifically be a david's bridal or was that just what occurred to you i think so man mentally that's what i imagine but like i'm trying to like explain to the officers like it's shutter island i'm like no you don't get it like i am a comic i'm the detective yeah i'm actually on the force i'm like pointing at the manager i'm like that's my fucking boy yeah he's just like what the fuck dude yeah you know that would be scarring it would be cool to be like the beetlejuice but for a comedy club yeah yeah where you're just like the guy they bring out i guess it's what pepe is for god uh

for i think that's i mean honestly man i'm trying to be depressing but it really is kind of what we are is beetlejuice yeah yeah like we're just like like fucking puppets you know what i mean yeah i'm trying to be beetlejuice for somebody like tim dillon or somebody that can at least pay for stuff though yeah i don't mind being a little puppet for a fucking richer comic but like holding someone's pocket yeah no no miss me with that dude just because i named a rich gay guy doesn't mean i'm trying to fucking hold somebody i'm just playing how do you know how do you not know what pause is but you know hold somebody's pocket that's such a deeper black guy fucking lore and vernacular just dropping some knowledge yeah i think you pretend to not know something and you know exactly what some things are yeah making me think you don't know pause then you're like yeah you

know when you hold man's pocket. You know, sagging the pants means you're gay in prison. Shit like that. Yeah. Deep Rikers Island pulls. Shit I would only hear from Derek Drescher. Yeah. I know some of them.

That's good. We do get phone calls, though, man, if you don't mind, before you go. Oh, dude, I would love to take a phone call. Are we getting, like, a live phone call or is it a voicemail these are voicemails okay yeah cool with that man hey man this is brent uh pretty much my thing is i love uh titties right like big titties big boobs and which you know but i feel like I can't really say that to anybody, and, you know, I'll be on these dating profiles and stuff, and I really want people to know that I like their big boobs,

but I feel like if I put that on my profile, it would sort of maybe deter people away, so I really just don't talk about it, and I really, honestly, I don't really have a question. I just wanted to say that. I wanted you to know that just so I could express it to somebody. But I guess, what do you feel about that? Do you think I should be afraid to talk about, you know, just liking boobs?

Big boobs. Yeah, this guy just loves tits, man. Sounds like a great guy, dude. He wants to loves to share with us well we all know who he's voting for in this election yeah dude no but that's okay i mean yeah you can't you can't ever tell girls a thing you physically like about them because one of two things happens they get pissed off because like oh you and everybody else pal or they become so hyper fixated on it that they kind of wreck themselves trying to maintain this thing they didn't even care about before it is a good point though it's kind of like no you fucking hold your cards to your chest bro don't don't you you can tell who has big titties on the apps just swipe for them

you ain't gotta say a thing it's it'll be tacitly acknowledged that that's what you're there for but just never bring it up it's like you know it's a girl with big tits is a lot like israel not just because jewish women have big tits all the time, but you really just can't bring it up. You can't talk about it. You can know in your head, in your heart, what's right and what's going on, but you really just got to kind of dance around the issue because, you know, when you bring it up,

that's when everybody kind of throws their hands at me like, whoa, what's that mean? What does that mean? You like big tits and you don't think little Muslim kids shouldn't be blown up with bombs. And you're like, I don't know. I'm just talking. I'm just spitballing here. So, yeah.

Hold it close to your chest. But there's no shame, man. You're a man in this beautiful free country. He's saying what we all think all the time, man. Yeah. Because I've been getting into those golf channels a lot where it's like women with like triple Ds just swinging out of their pants. Yeah.'re just like ripping ass and their backs are fat they're in their pants yeah dude and uh it's like do these women want me to comment and be like yo nice bean

bags like nice fat tits you dumb fucking bitch i've always been a more ass motivated guy yeah i mean that changes all i think that has a lot to do with your answer, too, man. Yeah. Because you're saying you shouldn't say anything at all. Yeah. I mean, unless you can come up with something super clever. Yeah, yeah. If you can come up with a line that people haven't heard before,

not a million people are saying on TikTok, and you have something that's reinventing the wheel but not breaking it, I would say do that. But, yeah outright saying like a poet with you know yeah if you're a poet with your like tit words i remember i saw a black guy this is not about this but this is about ass i saw a black guy go damn girl that ass so fat i can see it from the front and then he got her number wow and it's just like yeah that is like nobody thinks about that from that angle and ass it's so big you see it before it comes past you so if you can think of whatever the titty equivalent for that is i'm a little bit out of my wheelhouse here because i'm more of an ash man myself but i i think then say something but for the most part yeah dude move in silence all real

hustlers move in silence yeah yeah i mean you don't want to leave like a paper trail of you just saying like yo nice tits yeah it's too generic man there's nothing special about it no there's no like if he says something like poetic you know like if he's like yeah i'm in the market for some doorknobs not only is there like a deeper meaning to that but it's like you're saving yourself you know nobody has like a paper trail of all your offenses like if you take that to court you can be like no i'm literally looking for a girl like i would do to breast reduction doctors what people do to abortion doctors if you got your tits taken away yeah you know like that's no why isn't anybody killing those doctors no one's even gonna read

that dude yeah no one's gonna read that yeah but no i mean your best bet is to just you know match with the girls that have some heavy ones and then just like say something that was in the office or something i do disagree though like in terms of like uh because like dude those chicks with cannons like they they probably want a guy to be like you know acknowledge that yeah but you can't lead with that for sure he's talking about like hinge and stuff like that can't be your first message yeah you know i think he just needs to ease in and then, like, do some Edgar Allen Poe type shit. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. But, yeah, right off the bat, you can't just be like, yo, nice tits. All right, let's see where else we go, dude. Hey, Johnny. This is Jose from North Carolina. Been listening to your shit for a little bit. You're really fucking cool, bro. Anyways, my question for you is, you know,

like there's a lot of sensations that feel really good, and I was trying to think of the top of them, and right now I'm kind of stuck in between scratching your ear, like when it's really itchy, and, like, you just keep on going to town on that ear, or do you think scratching your balls when they're really itchy feels better? And I'm just really perplexed. So, yeah, let me know.

Appreciate it. Mm. Yeah, let me know. Appreciate it. This guy's living the dream, man. Yeah. This guy knows what really matters in life, dude. A couple things.

Never glaze a man up top. Save that for the end. Yeah. Save the glazing for the end. But, yeah, those are good sensations. I would say top sensation might be getting drunk. You know? Yeah.

Is it really a sensation, though? It's a sensation. When you fucking sip a beer and have a cigarette after working all day. Yeah. There's a sensation that, like like it's like an overwhelming sensation of happiness but i guess yeah if we're talking about like physical touch sensations back to chemistry though dude he's talking about like equal and opposite reactions man you know yeah like that feeling of like that itch in your ear you're like it's irresistible you know what i mean it is um fuck maybe yeah i mean i would say the balls thing though i would take it another level man i would bring it to toes you ever get like athlete's foot and you get that itch between your toes dude you just can't stop

that's pretty good you just start itching until you're like bleeding and i get like dead skin on my fingers from like playing music peeling that off feels pretty good yeah yeah um i will say man like i uh had a new sensation that i've never felt before recently dude i ate a piece of fried chicken while taking a shit and dude i i had like goosebumps like i'm not even joking man it was one of the craziest moments of my life it was I'm not even joking man it was insane you literally did a Cartman that's like a Cartman from South Park thing you fucking reloaded as you dispensed ammunition yeah like dude I was literally shit was coming out of my ass while i was eating the fried chicken dude like it felt so bad but so good at the same time you know what i mean oh man uh i've never done that i know you're judging me

right now dude but like no i mean there's like from a fucking if we want to get scientific about it dude eating is very satisfying but you're also like kind of like exercising your prostate in the process and that's the fucking bust muscle so in a way you're like you're now creating almost maybe a sexual uh association with fried chicken yeah like the next thing you need to do is the next time you're nuts deep in bitches you need to fucking pull out a chicken wing yeah and munch on that well that's i think that's why i got goosebumps man because it's all like greasy and shit and it's kind of like a messy food to eat but it's like really good you know what i mean so i just felt dangerous dude that's how i would just i felt dangerous man what's up danger all i can say dude yeah it's kind of like when you're

like crossing like a like a boardwalk or something and you know there's a chance you might fall in you know i used to do something like that i guess with being late at in high school or the principal would shut the gate at like 801 and i would zoom in at eight and as he's like shutting it because he's like gotta pull it close i would zoom past him as he's shutting it oh shit kind of like and he kind of gave me a look and yeah you just kind of hit him with the fucking the dad truck. Yeah. You're just going, hey. You felt dangerous, though.

Did you get goosebumps when that shit went down? Kind of, dude. I felt like Indiana Jones. That shit was cool. Yeah, like a fucking sorcerer, dude. Yeah. Fuck, man. A little bit.

I feel like people, like, as they get older, though, those things don't really, they don't think about that much, man. Those sensations. People become numb to pleasure. Yeah. And you just experience everything so long over the course of your life that you know everything loses kind of the value that you give to it intrinsically yeah and that's the shame it's this is what dorian gray's about man you know you just

you fucking you bust too hard fuck too fast you know eventually eventually that stuff stops meaning anything to you which is why you gotta savor the little moments and yeah take chances man like eat fucking fried chicken while you're taking a shit yeah step out of your comfort zone so you can experience the new thing yeah rather than i know i know a few people who have uh jerked off while taking a shit dude that is dangerous like even thinking about that's next level dude you know what i mean just yeah like physically and logistically that just seems like such not only such an undertaking not only accomplishing that task dude but sharing it afterwards those are two journeys you're like spreading a gospel almost like it's prophetic yeah you know you're

walking through the desert and leading the blind yeah you're basically telling everyone the bridges are coming before anyone knows shit yeah you are you know it's true but yeah that's two journeys in itself like completing that task behind closed doors or open doors like wherever you are dude and then like having the audacity and the courage to just tell everyone what you accomplished it's fucking wild man this guy spread the news man yeah dude gotta tell people the good word yeah

alright brother appreciate you for coming man dude it was good to meet you bro yeah anything you wanna share with the people dude you know

shit man I'm trying to think if you're in Keene, New Hampshire on October 12th. Going out there, dude. I'm going to be going out there. I'm going to be doing an hour. If you're in Astoria or, like, Queens, that area on November 4th, day before the election, I'm going to be doing a little thing at Grove 34, which is a comedy club out there.

I'm going to be doing an hour, trying to tape some of it put a little thing out just burn some old material you know that stuff god it's good dude and you know if you're like if you've shat while you jerked off message me message me so my girlfriend can see see that these are the DM's I'm getting that it's not other girls

DM me do you want to have sex it's guys being like yo you ever jerked off this style and me saying not yet brother but there's there's always a chance yeah i'm not dead yet and you know there's a kind of beauty to that i guess but uh yeah and you know freaking keep keep tuning into the podcast you know support the podcast and uh that's about it that's all i gotta say god is good dude appreciate you for coming man