The Johnny Salami Podcast - Zach Russell

Episode Date: September 26, 2024

Zach Russell by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. Fucking follower. Yeah, I know how to use a mic. The whole studio collapses.

Yeah, I'm pretty familiar. Dude, one time I was doing a pod with this older guy who like wasn't really too good with like technology and shit and i just like just set up the studio whatever yeah and i bought uh i bought this fucking outdoor light from walmart yeah i know and i hung garage light i hung it up with like a g-string dude and it fucking fell down during the podcast and like glass broke everywhere do you think he was back in korea he was like yeah dude he had a fucking flashback fuck yeah he just fucking started screaming his wife's name his buddies that he lost he started jerking off dude right yeah that's what happens you got to get one out before you yeah that's what ptsd is dude

i wonder if there is dude is that what all the dudes going uh on the train jerking off that's what they're going through i think korea flashbacks i wonder if there is dudes out there who uh have like flashbacks just start fucking like jerking off maybe depends what kind of war they were in you know what you got captured what if you were jerking off and that's what triggered your flashback so you can never jerk off anymore yeah like you got shot at while you were spanking in the woods one night yeah and that's all you can remember right and you're like it's just too hard that'd be crazy dude if you were jerking off with your buddy and his fucking head blew off

that'd be fucking crazy, dude. That would be nuts. If I made a movie, dude. You still have to come, though. You're like, oh, I don't want to have blue balls now. Then I got two problems. That makes you come, dude. Oh, well, that's tough.

So how was the war? I don't want to talk about it. You create a new sex. All right, so honey honey hear me out i'm gonna need you to act like your head just got blown off and i'm gonna call you david is that okay well do you live in brooklyn you must hear like a lot of uh different sexes right i must hear a lot of different sex is that what you said a lot of different ethnicities then hit it out open windowed what is that called? Oh, sexuality. Sexuality, that's right.

I'm here to teach you about sexuality. I'm the foremost expert. How many you know? How many sexualities? Gotta be four. Like ones that you could explain thoroughly to like a classroom. Oh, kids? Yeah.

Okay. We got hetero. Let's just go down the list. Homo. Trans is not one. Oh, boy. Can we go like tit for tat on this? Why am I doing it all?

I mean, I only know two. I've heard others. Bye, yeah. And pan. You'd be able to explain bye, though? Yeah. Or would you just put up a picture of like a fucking Supercuts manager? This.

Yeah, right, right. I feel like we would both need to use pictures. Yeah, well, they're kids. Yeah. That's a good teaching. Even if it was at like a town council meeting, I feel like. Right, right. I need a projector. we would both need to use pictures yeah well they're kids yeah that's a good teaching even if it was at like a town council meeting i feel like right right i need a projector well it helps some 4k pics you know lesbian like if you were putting up a picture of like a lesbian

yeah like what would your ideal picture be you think maybe like you with an earring. Really? Yeah. Just one earring? Yeah. Did I go to Claire's? Yeah. It's not even real. It's a clip-on.

There's like still blood everywhere. Yeah. Blood from the clip-on. Maybe me with like a haircut too. Yeah. Like a shorter haircut. Most guys are like a few changes away from very butch lesbian. So I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to come after you. No, it's fine. I take that as a compliment. Good. You should. That I could be a lesbian. You should. I've been thinking about coming out.

You should transition to a lesbian. Well, I've been, I've been saying this a lot. I'm thinking about coming out just cause I, I can't get pussy. Yeah. So my boys are going to be like, oh, like you like men. And I'm just going to be like, no, I just, I just couldn't get pussy. I've given up. So I joined the other side.

Cause I know I could fucking smash some hammers, dude. Yeah, for sure. It's easy. Yeah, man. Just go to fucking Provincetown and we're a fucking farm. Go to fucking Brinder. Provincetown's all around us, buddy. Yeah, just go to a fucking Apple store.

Provincetown's everywhere. Where do you think you would go? Do you think the gays hang out at the Apple store? Any hip gay club, Apple store, Best Buy, Circuit City, P.C. Richards. I'm just here for some cock, boys. Do you have an appointment? Where would you go if you were looking for some fucking meat? If I was looking for meat, I mean, probably BPL, Brooklyn Public Library.

For real? Yeah. A lot of gay dudes in there? I don't know. I've only been once. Good setup, though? Great setup. I've been to the Queens Public Library, dude. It looks like a fucking Denny's.

Yeah, really? Yeah, just a bunch of dudes fucking jerking each other off. They got syrup on the tables? Yeah, dude. Unlimited, bro. Where would I go if I was really trying to bust some, what was your term? Hammers? Hammers, yeah. Bust hammers yeah bust some fucking meat hammers yeah probably like the back alley of a checkers checkers yeah the fuck is that gotta eat

really yeah fast food you never heard of a checkers no we really live in different parts of new york wow it's a fast food place in brooklyn yeah yeah but it's national it's a national chain holy fuck you never heard of checkers you got the game checkers and they they use the that is their logo really it's just a checkerboard no copyright no pieces no copyright holy no one copyrighted the black and white that must be legit then dude even though feller didn't come after them dude if i was trying to get some cock man i might just go to like a Barnes & Noble or something. Yeah, that's a great answer. Go in like the history section or some shit.

Actually, no, the history section, it would depend like what... You might get beat up if you're looking for cock in the history section. It depends like what year we're looking at. If it was like World War II, we're just going to be straight dudes. Right, the 70s, 60s? Ripping zins. Maybe go to like fucking... I don't know, what's like the gayest fucking year you think 69 well

we went to the moon yeah it's a lot of dudes in a small cockpit yeah 1969 might be the gay one of the gayest years in contention for the gayest year i think it would just be like the autobiography section they'd probably be reading a book about like michelle obama it's fucking the jj dude yeah it's like the second coming and it's fucking VJJ, dude. It's like the second coming, and it's just a picture of, like, a bunch of fucking dipshits. Yeah. I don't know, man. What were we talking about, though?

Just being, oh, the sex is sexuality, dude. So you know, like, three. I heard someone talk about, like, being pansexual recently. I didn't really listen though. That's the whole thing. Like I hear that and I just fucking zone out, dude, you know,

which I feel like is okay to do. That is okay. You know, I feel like I should be more accepting or just be able to like not process things that you don't want to process. That's you're right. That's your, I got in an argument recently with my girlfriend actually about something where I didn't think it was funny.

Yeah. And she got mad at me for nothing. She's like, you're a comedian. I'm like, I'm allowed to not. Yeah. yeah just laugh what gets you giggling dude uh these jokes classics and falls you know farts are you a big dicks guy like big dicks and balls and shit am i a big yeah no follow-up questions yeah when you're talking with your boys are you just talking about like mayonnaise and fucking dick farts

is this what the show is that's all that we started are we just getting to know each other um yeah yeah yeah we talk about we each it's like book club every week we get together like which what's the biggest one you saw this week? Yeah. Because when I first met you, dude, you gave off like a little, you kind of look like an evil like Harry Potter figure, dude. You know what I mean? But then like I got to know you a little bit.

Like he like, this had a hat, chose Slytherin for him. I feel like you just. And the movies are all different now. You look like a kid who would like tell on me in class for like ripping ass or something. No, I would never. Really? No way. Yeah.

I wouldn't tell on you. I feel like I'd be like eating crayons or something and you'd fucking like well if you're farting colors i might be concerned really yeah because you hit you hate gay people uh right yeah you fart black or white like me i fart out fucking like six different colored crayons you're like i fucking hate gay johnny's gay and he smells yeah because he's gay dude you're not wrong man yeah but yeah dude i mean like uh last time i saw you i was getting like molested by that woman you were getting molested and you didn't do anything man you just watched the whole time this is i'm part of the problem but that's just more evidence that i wouldn't tell on you i don't

speak up if i see wrong i just let it go what did you think was going on because i was waiting for someone to save me, dude. Just to clarify, I wasn't actually... I was borderline getting molested in a non-consensual way by a blonde woman. Well, she had some cans. Really? Yeah. Dude, I didn't even look.

You were too scared, though. You were like a deer in the headlights. You couldn't even see the cans. I was so scared, dude. Yeah, and I know you love a good can. I know. I thought I had the fucking maturity. You're the cycling man. I know, dude i know dude you love it i didn't even look at him bro no she for real well what i really thought was happening is like i think everyone was excited except for you everyone

was all like oh johnny's like getting yeah you know somebody some girls coming you guys thought i was getting pussy exactly holy shit yeah wow because i think of you as a pussy getting pussy looking for kind of guy. For real? For real. You think I just like I'm a mayonnaise man. Yeah. You think I, you think I fuck around with roast beef and shit? Yeah.

Like if you saw me on the street, like waddling around, you'd be like, wow, that guy gets pussy. I'd be like, he thinks about it a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Gets is another question, but he thinks, he thinks about it a lot. Yeah, man. I was genuinely scared, bro. Like I'm, I'm not really like a dude who gets scared often, you know?

The only thing I fear is God, homie. Right. But, yeah, dude, that was freaky, bro. Yeah, she was like, you're not going to kill yourself, are you? And I was like, no. Dude, when she started grabbing my arm and shit. She was stroking on you. Yeah.

But, dude, it wasn't weird that she was touching my arm. It was the combination of her touching my arm and the shit she was saying. Right. She was like, you're not going to kill yourself, are you? And she was caressing my arm. Yeah. I was like, now I am. A big 13 reasons why.

No, not the 13 reasons. The girl who told the... Is that 13 reasons? The girl who told her boyfriend to get back in the car, pussy? You know who I'm talking about? The kid who killed himself. Right. It's a little different right and that's basically

it's basically the same thing basically it's just like a synopsis right yeah it's the spark notes it's not yeah it's not the whole arc but yeah there's a story where this this this kid was gonna kill himself johnny uh something and he was texting his girlfriend or whatever this lady that he was that he liked yeah and uh she told him to get back in the car he was in the drive he was texting his girlfriend or whatever, this lady that he liked. Yeah. And she told him to get back in the car. He was in the... I'm telling this horribly. She was in the garage. He was in the garage.

So this is like an emotional drama. Yeah, this is tough. Yeah. He was in the garage filling it up with monoxide. He's like, I'm going to kill myself. And she's like, yeah, great. You've always wanted to. And then he's like, nevermind.

I'm scared. I'm getting out of the car. And she's like, get back in. And then she got tried for like murder. Holy shit. But that was basically what this girl was doing to you. That was like the chick who like told her boyfriend to fucking just do it. Yeah.

She was like fucking flicking her beans. She was like, do it, you little bitch. Exactly. And then he fucking killed himself. Then she came the second his mortal coil yeah left the earth i wonder if she like got that on video dude like a 4k they're facetiming yeah like a 4k gopro dude yeah fucking acdc's blasting highway to hell brother yeah it's a mortal sin to take your life she's got like she's got like six dozen eggs just putting them in yeah just like 30 chickens running around like for no reason we were uh yeah we people people like that are tapped dude like i don't know about you man people who

want chickens people who are flicking their bean to suicide. Yeah, I would agree. They're tapped. I think that's an astute psychological observation you make. Yeah. A lot of people do. I don't know if you feel this way, man, but the longer I'm here, dude, the more I see people and I'm like, dude, this person's fucking tapped, bro. Like people who I thought were like,

yeah, like people I've met who I was like, I was initially like, oh, this person's like pretty chill. Yeah. And then I get to know him and I'm like, wow, this person's mentally ill. Yeah. What do you mean? Do you have an example? Just drop names, dude.

No, don't drop names. But just like. Dude, like I'll talk to people sometimes. Even some people will come on the pod, bro. And they'll come on like fucked up. Like on like, not like drunk, but they'll be on like pills and shit. Pills. And we'll have a good time, man.

And then afterwards. I was expecting weed. Pills is a bit much. I mean like uh pills for like an illness oh okay like fucking anal you know i'm sorry man that just came out that was bad that's okay it just comes out but um no dude like a lot of people have like mental illness man of course and you just are on like well buterin you're like these fuck yeah... Yeah. It's fucked up. I'm like, are you gay? Not anymore. That's the thing, man.

I don't know any of those prescriptions and shit, you know, like the antidepressants and stuff. That's so funny, saying that people were fucked up on pills, and it's just Prozac. They're just trying not to kill themselves. I'm like, dude, these gay people keep coming on my podcast. Yeah, I don't mean drunk. Drunk would be fine, but they're on like antidepressants. Yeah. SSRIs. You just find out they're gay when it's too late.

It's a real problem. Right when you're 30 minutes into the pod. You can't turn back now. No, it's not antidepressants. It's like a lot of... Addy? Addy. Addy.

Starts with a V. Vyvanse. Vicodin. Vicodin. Vicodin? No, not Vicodin. Valiumin valium valium no that's too hard that's like eminem type shit i don't know what other v ones that's like eminem's prime time album type shit yeah um yeah a lot of just like um yeah a lot of like uh adhd medication that

they're not prescribed to oh sure like but like high dosages. Yeah. You know, but like you were saying, man, like, you know how someone will like tell a joke sometimes and they'll look at you and you're not laughing and they're like. Yeah. It's like, dude, I'm not going to laugh. Right. You know, like I don't, I don't have to laugh. Yeah. You know.

How long have you, I have a question about it because this loops back to the getting fucked up for the pod. How long have you been doing this? A long time, dude. Probably five years. Okay. So it's just going to end soon.

Yeah, that's good. Time to wrap it up. I'd say so. Yeah. Um, and were you ever, you know,

cause you're trying to, you get on the mic and you want to be fun and you want to be funny and everything. And so I feel like people will use substances to do that. Yeah. Have you ever done that? Have you ever dabbled feel like people will use substances to do that. Yeah. Have you ever done that? Have you ever dabbled in, like, you know, hitting the weed pen? No, I don't smoke weed.

I've never done it high. I've had a few beers, though. A few beers. Beers are nice. I had about six beers once with my Guatemala neighbor, and we recorded an episode. And we did about 40 minutes, and then we were like, yeah, man, we got to start this over.

Because we were just saying, like, retarded shit. He's speaking Spanish the whole time. He doesn't even notice. Yeah. I'm like, say that again. But, yeah, dude, I got fucking blasted after that, and then I went to play golf, and I was just swinging as hard as I could. Just missing the ball by, like, six inches. It was one of those days where people were like, dude, this kid's hammered.

Right. I was missing the ball by, like, six inches. Miss one of those days where people people were like dude this kid's hammered right i was missing the ball by like six inches missing the ball yeah yeah i suck at golf i'll never yeah i'll never uh it sucks when you're trying like you're giving it your all yeah when you're drunk you're like sweating dude and like you're like dude do not fuck this up you know you're stretching then you miss by like a legit foot. Yeah. Like people like this guy, this guy's a problem. You know what I mean? Did you, did you, uh, put that Guatemalan episode out anywhere on the Patreon or anything? This is like four years ago.

Gotta put the episodes up there, man. Oh good. Yeah. Hell yeah. But like four, it was one of those episodes where like, you're like, we gotta, we can, we can start over. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. Um, um, are you big into like substances is that what is why you're asking uh kind of i mean i'm a i'm a weed guy yeah yeah i like the you know have you ever done like what type of activities are you doing on weed responding to emails through the day really you're like a casual weed sometimes casual is a very generous word yeah uh i was on the way here i was i was thinking like i have an interesting relationship with weed which is i think a better way to say that you're like addicted but not ready to admit that yeah you know what i mean you're at that point i have an interesting relationship

what would happen if you tried to stop uh it'd be good it'd be great you know withdrawal i have i mean i'll take breaks for like a few days and i'll feel amazing what is it how does it benefit you just my mental clarity word recall like you can just think like you can make connections yeah the best analogy i can give is if you uh say your mind is like a an attic with a bunch of shit in it yeah and when you're constantly smoking and like your recall shitty your consciousness is just like a light that's like a candle yeah it's like a teeny light you can see a little bit but you can't really pull things oh there's something over there but if you're just sober you could the

all the lights are on yeah you can just see everything and pull from everywhere it's fucking scary dude you know it's yeah being sober yeah being sober is like having sex with the lights on dude yeah you need to be ready for that shit man yeah you can't just start laughing i did i did uh this is a while i hooked up with someone and it was just like a hookup thing like i just walked into the where they were and uh the lights were off and i'd like never met this person and it was a good move because once i saw them i and once i saw their shadowy figure i was like this, this is as good as it's going to get. It's not like light's going to help.

Yeah. Dude, I had sex with a fat chick in a completely pitch black room. Nice. On the hardwood floors. Literally, there's no bed. It was just like an empty room. What? Yeah, we're rolling around, dude.

It's like a shelter? Yeah, she was fucking knocking my breath away, dude. Yeah. She was knocking the wind out of you? Yeah, dude. I'm fucking like literally like... You're so hot! Yeah, dude. She was fucking knocking my breath away dude yeah and knock the wind out of you yeah dude i'm fucking like literally like you're so hot yeah dude she was fucking sitting all over she sat on my face dude yeah and i was just like i wonder what this woman looks like uh but dude i could like feel her like i could feel her chubbiness yeah and then at the end uh

does that bother you though if you can't see it because if you can feel it it's kind of nice maybe feel good until the lights came on yeah and then i was like holy shit dude if someone finds out about this but if you're just feeling it it's like a nice uh yogi bow bean bag i mean dude this chick was like a 250 pound ginger bro looked like a fucking sec fullback dude wow yeah she had red hair dude wow and she was like trying to hook up with me on her her friend's couch and she just wasn't sturdy she like wasn't wearing underwear and was like she's like opened up her legs i was like i was like yeah this isn't the right time and she was like i have an idea and then just brought me into this room dude just pitch black couldn't see anything dude yeah i mean my eyes adjusted a little bit but i just felt like just helen keller just blowing loads you think helen keller came a lot i think

so i would imagine it was most of what she was doing yeah i mean i've read some studies dude were like these people who were held captive for a while they they still jerk off yeah it's the one freedom you have yeah like just instinct can't take that away yeah like dude if you what if they did took your dick away if you were prisoner of war you know a prisoner of oh yeah yeah because it's the one thing you have how old do you think how old what how old would you be when they took your dick away though oh i just mean at least 18 otherwise you wouldn't be deployed. You have to be of military age.

What if that's what they did to the hostages over there? Took their dicks and clits. I think my new goal is to say something so weird that you don't even have an answer. I just blacked out. That seems to be the game. Yeah, I just blacked out a little bit. The game of the show. Do you have a name for the studio? I thought of one.

No, but back to the dicks and clits thing, dude. Yeah, let's do it. When you said that, dude, I was thinking, you know what would fucking rip it up even worse? Yeah. Dude, imagine if they, like, chopped off their dicks and clits and loaded them up in storage bins. Sure.

I'm there. And then they flew over like a residential like suburban neighborhood and just dropped him dude yeah like it's flying on golf courses sure that's real terror that's terrorism you imagine they aren't our freedom some random guy's dick in your mouth oh my god this is what i've been telling you, Sharon. I'm signing up. That'd be wild. I'm going over there. Imagine the news, dude. Yeah.

Imagine. They try to spin it somehow. Yeah. Yeah, that'd be wild. You ever think about enlisting? No. One time, dude, I had a girlfriend. She was like a solid 10. This was in high school. Nice. And yeah, it was kind of like a make-a-wish type situation but i would always kind of fuck with her dude and i uh pretended that i was uh going into the army you came back from the harishi park trip and you're like yeah i actually i did sign up with

that guy who pulled me aside i saw saw fucking saving Ryan's privates. Let's fucking go, dude. It was a porn, but I left inspired. I'm going to fuck with this bitch. No, I'm just kidding. But dude, I did. When you were in high school, did they do the fucking Army Reserves type thing where that dude came and tried to recruit like mentally challenged people? No, no. type thing where that dude came and tried to recruit like mentally challenged people no no maybe they uh rounded all those up separately in a different room and just they're

like yeah i would just go to this it was a hard floor with no no lights on where'd you go to high school um i went to uh actually i went to a private school oh that could be why that's why yeah that's probably why yeah they only go to the public schools man because they know they're dumb enough like free tuition or their parents aren't smart enough to convince them out of it you know what i mean because even if even if they came to a private school their parents your parents would be like no yeah i can't that sucks though man because they're just kind of fun when they came yeah um yeah this dude would just come it just looked like a fucking dude whose wife's cheating on him uh-huh and he had like fucking

he had like a gray army shirt yeah and like short shorts and he'd put you through like calisthenics and stuff okay but this one guy was like super adamant about me like joining the reserves right he was like dude you could crush it and i was like dude i'm retarded he's like you ever seen blackhawk down yeah i'm like dude you want to fucking well you want me to start throwing frags right now? Yeah, dude. He's like, don't tell anyone I'm giving you this. Don't pull that. You're like, it's first period.

Do I have to have this all day? Yeah. That would be fucking hilarious, dude. If you actually threw a frag during one of those workouts. Yeah. People are doing sit-ups. Yeah. Fucking. That should be a part of it. Have you seen those videos of those workouts? Yeah. People are doing sit-ups? Yeah. Fucking.

That should be a part of it. Live. Yeah. Have you seen those videos of those people in like, I don't even know what country, like the Philippines? It's like intense army training. Like live. Live rounds training. Yeah.

And if you get up, you die. Like you're crawling through the mud under razor wire or whatever. And they're shooting over you. What's up? Some people pass away. Oh, yeah. Because they're, you know. Isn't the Philippines? I don't. It's a p country i think i was gonna say philippines pretty chill

it's probably in like north korea they got like m60s planted up i don't know it was it was definitely an asian country it might have been thailand or taiwan or something but there's just dudes crawling through the mud and then uh this could also be a scene from a movie now this was a real video that i saw the guy gets up now this was a real video that i saw a guy gets up and uh they're just shooting live rounds so they'll fucking clock you holy shit you're dead you're dead that that is that really does bum me out i don't know if you uh how old are you 28 you're 28 okay i just turned 30 so i don't know if i'm getting more sentimental in my old age yeah but whenever like you know in a war movie when the guy pops

his head out of a trench and immediately he's shot yeah that bums me out for sure yeah because you'd spend all this time training you know yeah talk about all the bliss that you're gonna get in the bunker yeah right all the all your friends cocks you're gonna suck and stuff and then uh yeah you don't even sucks when they show all that camaraderie that was built exactly and it's just wasted in that one second for nothing i would rather that i'd rather get my head blown off while i'm talking about tits with my boy though then get like slowly like killed to death oh like like if a north korean dude crucified me like while i'm naked and jerk me off and and call me gay right because they do that dude that me like while i'm naked and shit fucking jerk me off and shit and call me gay right because they do that dude that's like their first order of business yeah crucifixions naked

dude they jerk you off and then they like humiliate you dude wow that's crazy you've been looking into north korea i mean this is all on uh this is all on fucking uh the website uh what's it called? Northkorea.com It's called Shatterbait. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like to go on there. You go on there? I went on once, man. This comedian, you know, Brendan Sagalow.

He wouldn't stop talking about it. He was obsessed with it. He was like, dude, you have no idea. It's so much better than porn, bro. So I'm like, all right, I'm going to check this out, dude. I'm spanking, dude. I hopped on, man, you have no idea. Like, it's so much better than porn, bro. So I'm like, all right, I'm going to check this out, dude. You know, I'm spanking, dude. I hopped on, man, and the first video I saw was like a live cam, and this couple, they were like about to like get into it. Sure.

And the chick. She's begging for tokens. For some reason, dude, all of them wear like a, they don't wear, they have like a pink fucking like thing in their ass. I don't know what that is, yeah. It's like a butt plug or something. Dude, she pulls it out and like thing in there. Oh, I don't know what that is. Yeah. It's like a butt plug or something. Dude, she pulls it out and like shit flies everywhere.

It's on like the live cam. Yeah, of course. And her boyfriend's like not paying attention. Yeah. And she's like, I gotta go to the bathroom. And I was like,

holy shit, this is live, dude. Yeah. You just hear all the tokens. More, more of that. Dude,

the chat was so funny. people were just like dude that chick just fucking hershey scored it the boyfriend just had like no idea but yeah man that that kind of messed me up man you know that is that is messed up your first chatterbait experience i'm sorry that that happened to you yeah it's gonna take a while for you to get back you can't trust people man you know no but you can't trust brandon sacklow yeah but yeah man i would rather you would you rather get your head blown off though or do you think you would rather like die a slow death where you're like telling your friend like everything you think about him like you have like a few last words because that would be funny to say something like like i don't like just offload all the skeletons yeah like what do you think you would say dude if like you and i went to war and like

we build a relationship over like three years and get deployed and like you get shot in the fucking dick yeah and you have like a few minutes and i'm just like trying to like call a medic over right and you just have that time to like look in my eyes i've been like johnny i wish i knew more basic stuff about you. What's your family like? That's what you would say, dude. You wouldn't say something funny. I'd say we spent a lot of time talking about dicks and cum.

That was really fun. I wish I knew whether you had siblings. If I was in that situation, I would probably just be pretty quiet, dude. I don't want to talk right now. Before I pass, dude, I would probably just be like pretty quiet, dude. And then before, I don't want to talk right now before I passed it, I would just be like, come here,

come here, like get you up close. Yeah. Like I just get up like next to your ear, dude. She'd be like, I'm gay. Yeah.

Just pass away, dude. That would fuck you up forever. And then I would close your eyes. I know. Yeah. Yeah. I'm doing this to each of your balls.

Where's that movie? there's a movie where some dude gets jerked off uh moonlight it's not wrong really i don't know who i don't know that's what i heard well i'm thinking of a war movie some dude's like literally about call me by your name really i don't know are these all like romantic dramas these are all gay dramas yeah yeah i think this i'm just going uh yeah on what's on my bookshelf right now it's my dvd collection there's a war drama where a guy gets jerked off war horse no i'm like almost positive there's a movie where a dude's like uh he's about to pass away. And he's telling his boy, he's like, dude, just fucking jerk me off one last time.

I think that was in the deleted scenes from Fury. That movie's sick, dude. That movie's awesome. Yeah, dude, to be with those guys. Yeah. Oh, just quoting Bible verses. Yeah. As you're about to get a little bit of religious.

You ever think about being that religious where you're just ready to like blow up a fucking house? Is that how religious they were? I'm just thinking to like be able to do, just to take it to the next level just for our Lord and Savior, dude. Absolutely. I was jealous of them in the tank. I was feeling like, I knew that, you know when they're like trading Bible verses in the tank near the end? Yeah.

And I was like, if I was in there, I would have been so embarrassed. I was like, oh, I got John 3.16. Yeah. You know? Yeah, I wouldn't be able to. I'm like Googling Bible verses. Best verses. You're just making shit up.

The Lord cometh. Yeah. And he said it was good. Ezekias pissed. Ezekias. My favorite book's Ezekias. I don't know that one. Yeah, it's kind of an obscure one.

You just start quoting like gangbang quotes. Imagine watching that movie up to the ending. And then that's what happens. Like it's been serious until that point. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's the twist like it's been serious until that point right yeah yeah well that's the twist that's the sweet twist some dude like reenacts the serenity prayer and you're just like you're like fuck my little pussy yeah you like that just be yeah you got you're the girl and i'm the huge black dude Yeah dude Make me a little pussy Oh yeah you a dirty girl

That would be funny if you threw a frag in the tank Fuck me little pussy And then you start like rolling the credits Yeah That would be sweet to have one of those dudes in war You know the guys who come up The randos when there's a newscaster And he's like fuck her in the pussy That'd be funny if there was a guy like that in

war with the frag i think there is yeah there probably is for sure you just don't hear about his story because you know history isn't written by that guy yeah he doesn't he doesn't have the credentials to get his shit out no he just lived his life yeah they fucking hate guys like that dude yeah like the the new york times and shit. Yeah. The war reporters. Do you watch any, like, Vice documentaries or anything like that? I used to. I don't that much anymore. Yeah.

They used to be fucking legit, dude. Yeah. They went to, like, North Korea and shit. Yeah. Here we go again. Tell me. You should move there. No, you should visit.

Can you? You can't visit. Yeah, they wouldn't let me, dude. No. You need to know someone, dude. Yeah. I also think they hide a lot of what's going on there when you visit you know for sure my uh my uncle's gay uncle got my grandpa into cuba because he was married to a cuban guy you have to take a boat there no they flew they flew. You can fly into, like, Mexico and then have a, like, from Mexico to Cuba. You can't fly direct.

Yeah. Or maybe you can now. There was a woman who swam to Cuba from Florida. Whoa. Yeah, like a six-year-old. She was a lesbian, I'm pretty sure. Okay. She had, like, a full bush and, like, didn't pay her taxes.

And they were like, we're going to put you out there and, like, see what happens. She, like, swam with sharks, dude. She ate them all out that was her punishment from the irs for not paying her taxes or shaving her bush i don't think they knew she was a lesbian though they threw her in the water and say you gotta go that way yeah yeah they probably she'd like legit like no joke dude swam from florida to cuba that's nuts yeah she made it yeah she like lives in cuba now i think so yeah or she came back to the u.s she's like guys i wonder if she swam back yeah that'd be sick if she just had like a fucking cheeseburger

and was like all right let's get back yeah yeah nice because like nice cuban cheeseburger that's like going to war dude like i wonder what her body looked like after that it's just like fucking jellyfish things oh yeah face and shit yeah the bush is spread to like her stomach well i feel like the bush would protect her, dude. Yeah, absolutely. Like, all the jellyfish would kind of, like, back off a little bit. It's almost like a defense mechanism, dude. Yeah, they're like, maybe in the 80s.

Yeah. I wonder if that woman's getting fucking cocked down, though, dude. Like, I wonder what her husband looks like. Like, do you think a woman like that has a husband who's, like, a fucking, like, a, you know, like a general? Or, like, her husband's... A tax-dodging lesbian? Probably not. She probably doesn that has a husband who's like a fucking like a, you know, like a general or like her husband. A tax dodging lesbian? Probably not. She probably doesn't have a husband.

You think her husband's like a fucking, works at like fucking Ikea or some shit? I'd like to work at Ikea. Yeah. To have a wife like that too? Yeah. To work at Ikea and be like, dude, my wife swam from fucking Florida to Cuba. My wife was cast into the sea. Yeah.

And she swam, she made it to Cuba. That would be, that's. That'd be great. Yeah. All the other employees are like. Like, that's what you want, man. fucking florida my wife was cast into the sea yeah and she swam she made it to cuba that would be that's that'd be great yeah all the other employees are like like that's what you want man like you know people who have like uh like a simple job but their significant other is like legit oh yeah that's that sounds like the dream i hope that's me yeah i hope i got this what do you like what would you want and like a woman Like if you could marry maybe like a WNBA player or something. That'd be cool. Yeah.

That'd be cool. Who's that one? The famous, uh, Caitlin Clark. Yeah. Yeah. That'd be nice. I wonder what she's like now. I had an ex that looked kind of similar to Caitlin Clark.

What? I had an ex that looked pretty similar to Caitlin Clark. Oh, really? What do you think about that? I don't know, dude. And she kind of looks like Anne Frank, dude. Really? Like a modern day Anne Frank.

Yeah. That's what I think. Interesting. She just gives off those vibes, dude. And she kind of looks like Anne Frank, dude. Really? Like a modern day Anne Frank. Yeah. That's what I think. Interesting. She just gives off those vibes, dude. Yeah. A little sassy, dude, you know? Really? Competitive.

Quiet. Yeah, doesn't give up easily. Like, she's really. Right. She has all the traits, man, you know? Yeah, all those Frank traits. Yeah, I don't know, man. Kayla Clark, just, I feel like if you were in a relationship with her,

she'd be like too competitive about everything. You'd be like, hey, can we just find another one? Yeah, I don't, I wouldn't want an athlete, I'd be like, Hey, can we just, I don't, I wouldn't want an athlete. I think, I think I might want like a, I don't know. Like, you know,

on those reality shows when they bring in like the sexpert and it's like this hot, like mixed race lady with huge knockers. And she's, I'm talking about one reality show. It was like, what was it called? It was a,

it was called like couple to throuple. Holy shit. And these couples went on and tried to introduce this is like public uh it's public okay public information you know what channel it's on uh max okay or prime all right it's a crazy show they try to just like incorporate a third into their so there's unmatched singles and then there's couples that come onto the show. Yeah. And then they try to all, you know, they pick which singles they want. And this super hot sex lady came on and just was like to helping them have sex. So she's giving them advice. Right.

Does she watch? No, I don't think so. But I don't know. You know, you don't see everything. Yeah. I mean, my girlfriend right now is a sex therapist. So all I need is for her to get famous and then I'm done. Holy shit, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah wait so how does that work you just sit down

with the people who are having trouble and kind of they like because you're only going off their word you're not really seeing what's going on yes it's not like you're studying film yeah that's true she should make them submit tapes yeah like we do for comedy yeah we're just like five minutes of me um fumbling around my wife's pussy what What do you think? A little bit of film study. Yeah. You know, because she can study like your strokes, like your different tendencies and shit. Absolutely. Because like all she's going off of is like your word of mouth.

Right. She's like, you need to put more power in the hamstring. You need to really attack. Yeah, she's teaching you fucking some fucking like secret shit, some unknown fucking finger magic yeah she'll prescribe that people masturbate she'll like tell people to jerk off she will for real yeah because like in front of her no no she's like wait till we're done that'd be sick i i love the hustle i love the enthusiasm yeah but put it away she tells him to jerk off just to get ready for war absolutely yeah yeah you don't want to go into battle with a full load so is this uh is the same girl as at the

comedy festival when i showed her that i was doing your podcast she's like oh hey this guy i love him yeah yeah fuck yeah dude yeah so she's showing you all the fucking magic tricks dude well i don't know about that yeah all the magic all right i dig the confidence dude yeah i don't know about that you know i got what you think you've like improved since you met her or do you kind of like not let that work life getting it get in the way improve since i met her is a good question maybe maybe actually yeah yeah you're just fucking breaking the door down dude just shooting a paintball gun we go through like one door a week just wearing a fucking Star Wars helmet

Boba Fett is there a blaster she's dressed up like Jar Jar Binks it's crazy it's nuts you're not so big if I knew my girl was a sex therapist that's what I would do

just to fuck with her like first time we have sex, dude. Just fucking break down the door, dude, and start shooting a paintball gun at the ceiling. Yeah. Maybe throw, like, a frag. And she'd be like, so what was going on when you were doing that? Yeah. I'm like, this is what I usually do.

Really? Like, this is just a warm-up. Yeah. And she's like, well, I don't want to yuck your yum. Yeah. She gets out her paintball gun. You know what's not funny, dude? No.

You ever have like a thought that's like not funny, but you think about it like all the time? Sure. I used to have this like, this what if situation. I would run by people and like, not circle jerks, but like circular conversations. I'd be like, dude, imagine if I was about to have sex with a chick and I just took out an AK-47 and just shot up the whole room. Just shot up everything besides her. Oh, that's sweet.

Yeah. That's an us versus the world type of situation. Yeah. Be like, look, everything can burn but you. Yeah. You're romantic. Don't you guys think that's funny? I didn't know you were so romantic.

I think it's touching. That would be sick. I think it's sweet. You hit everything besides her. Mm-hmm. And you're just like, this is just the, you're like, this is just the warm-up. Take out the frag that the guy gave you when you were 12. Yeah.

Or whatever. That would be a wild, like, therapist story, dude. Yeah. She has, like, trauma, and she's trying to explain. So, where was the AK-47? Is i was under his bed i guess i don't know he seemed normal that would probably be a commercial for like better help yeah yeah yeah yeah so what you're going to want to do is text someone about this yeah so like you just started blind firing with a boner. Yeah. Therapist is like, that sounds hard.

He's taking a shit. How many better health therapists do you think are actively taking shits as they're like talking people off the ledge? Oh, dude,

all of them. Yeah. Yeah. It's got to be, that's got to be like for therapists with IBS that just can't make it. All those chat

fucking things, they're all fucking ass wipes, dude. Yeah. Yeah, I called a guy from RCN a fucking homo. From what? RCN,-fi oh sure through the chat there was a news network i was like you guys are fucking gay you call them gay through the chat

other rcn guys pop in they're like oh it's gonna be so hard not to get mad yeah people are just talking shit yeah you can't do it yeah okay, so would you like to cancel? I understand your frustration with me being so gay. Have you ever worked in customer service? I used to work at Bank of America. Okay. Were you in the chat? No, I did not.

You're gay. I didn't even, I fucking failed an exam and I got fucking fired. They didn't give you chat privileges. Well, dude, I ripped ass during one of the study sessions. And I took a video of it and everyone found out. Was it a crayon rip? I have it on video, dude. Yeah?

Yeah. I can show it to you after this. I'd love to see it. Dude, it was a fucking dime. I ripped it so hard. And no one laughed except for this one kid. How many people were, sorry, what was the situation? You were in the conference room?

Yeah, I worked for Bank of America. Like, after college, college dude you would have to pass uh like the series 7 exam and like a bunch of like life insurance you were taking the test yeah i passed you failed because you farted no i passed the series 7 and then you had to take a life insurance exam okay wait no i passed that i failed the series 6 exam okay series 66 It's just like this really boring exam. And they usually give people another shot because they're like paying for you. They're investing a lot of like time. But they found out that I was like fucking around in the study room and like ripping ass and stuff. And one day this girl was like talking about the news.

She said something about like BBC. And I was like, like big black cock yeah i said it like out loud dude like i was just being retarded sure so like word got out and like they found they were like yeah we were like they gave that chick another shot and they just fired me what were we talking about again though customer service customer customer yeah when i walked into bank of america you'd have to walk by the chat uh section and dude they all look suicidal bro like they're like known for being like because call center's like suicidal but chat's like even like really yeah interesting you know it's crazy man the happiest people in the call center actually the people who take um fucking like uh like not what is it called like

when uh people like estate planning like when people pass away and they have to call in and be like hey like i'm the beneficiary of like this yeah of course they're gonna be the happiest well they get paid more but they have to well they also get to they're also like you're on the phone with people who just like had a someone pass away yeah and that's like kind of great news because now you have this estate yeah that you get to make all this wealth yeah some people might be a little happy you know yeah it's like it's a congrats you've won your grandma shit yeah you know you've won your grandma died sweepstakes yeah that actually makes sense yeah yeah the chat though they're coming in a lot

of money yeah how about you would you work in uh i was in sales for a while for real were you selling like uh language translation services and shit. Like fucking Rosetta Stone and shit? No. Like it was a network of people that you would have go translate stuff. I was like a shepherd and I had a bunch of... You would like outsource the translators? For sure, yeah.

Holy shit. What would people need translators for? Everything. You know, these posters. Would you do it for like bank of america like yeah call trans like a translator we did over the phone interpretation we did chat translation and we did uh yeah we did uh just like website stuff did you ever like hook up the wrong translator like some lady's looking for like a spanish translator you just like put

a fucking russian dude over that would be the client's fault because they're the ones who press the buttons. Oh, all right. Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. It says you have no money. I don't know. Sorry. Sorry your dad is dead.

Yeah, that would be funny if they hooked up like a Latin translator for like an English call. Yeah. Some lady's like husband just passed away. Latin like dead? Like the exorcist type Latin. Oh, Espiritu Domine. Yeah, like the dead language yeah yeah yeah that'd be fucking it is funny that latin went from this like roman like empire language it's a deadline to like what the devil talks like how the devil speaks i think i didn't know the devil was italian

dude i uh i took like a week of Latin in college. Oh, yeah. I dropped the class immediately, dude. Yeah. My teacher looked like fucking like a legit lesbian, dude. Dude, it was a dude. He had like he didn't look like a lesbian, to be honest. He looked like a sorcerer, man.

OK. Just one of those dudes like you could tell he was hooking up with some of the students. Yeah. Because they had that. Using his powers for evil yeah because when you were in school did they have that thing where you could look up the professor's like reviews and shit yeah right my professor yeah i was thinking like this dude was like kind of good looking like dude he had hair that like went down to his balls and shit and uh yeah i'm thinking because there were so many hot chicks in the class had the wizard main I'm thinking they just looked at that sight And they were like let's get it

Because he was just like yeah this language is dead Like it's not going to help you with anything Oh he shot straight I mean they literally called it dead language You know I mean I think a lot of those chicks probably just wanted it For like sexual purposes Latin so they could speak dirty in Latin

Yeah maybe fucking cast some spells on some balls and wieners and shit. Yeah, of course. I mean, why else would you take a class? Some hardening spells. Yeah. That would be funny if they did that during, like, an orientation. I'm just looking, they're just like, yeah, I'm just looking to fucking cast some spells on some cocks and shit. Yeah. Oh, you're gonna want to go to Latin 101.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the... Fucking cast some spells on that pussy, dude. Yeah, that's the cock sorcery class. Yeah um t yeah he brought something up that i wanted to teacher latin teacher oh i had an english teacher in eighth grade who was a real weirdo he had like a jet black ponytail he looked like um steven seagal yeah yeah he did but like if he was really into elves okay like he knew you know the language in lord of the rings like the elven elvish whatever he like knew that language really like he could speak it he could write it he made it teach in english english yeah we all had that he made his own chain mail

yeah we've all had that teacher dude it. It's always English, man. Yeah. Yeah, man, we had a teacher like that. I liked it, but he was weird. Mr. White. Yeah, no, that adds up, man. Yeah, Gandalf. Yeah, we had a teacher who, he thought I was retarded. I'm sensing a theme.

No joke, dude. This guy thought I was, like, legit retarded. Yeah. I'm not even kidding, dude. Yeah. And it made me so upset that one day we were reading this book dude it's uh it's called the things they carried it's like a war book and it's like really sentimental sure and i didn't read the book and he's like walking around and he's just asking each like table like what they carry on a day-to-day basis dude and no joke dude he asked me what i carry on a day-to-day basis dude and no joke dude he asked me what i carry on a

day-to-day basis and i screamed at the top of my lungs these big old balls could a retard make a joke like that i think not dude and he started like cracking up that's great and this one kid dude i thought this one kid was going to like pass away. So in this English class with Mr. White, this kid, I was like a good kid. You know, I'm tattling on people, ripping ass. I'm a good kid. Like a good student and shit? Yeah, I was a good student.

And I was like, you know. You were like a hard-o or you think just like a good kid? No, I wasn't a hard-o. Just a good person? But I just like did the work. Yeah, I was just like a good student. Like respectful. Respectful. Yeah. Yeah yeah so he sat me next to this guy um i want to say his real name uh because whatever it doesn't it doesn't really matter uh let's just call him like hank hank jenkins yeah real last name and uh hank would he later got found out he later sorry arrested for like flashing teachers school

uh homes like he like found out where certain teachers lived he'd pull up in his car yeah holy shit and like get out go up to the window like while they're reading dinner just like jesus yeah wild man so i was sitting next to this guy to like tame him yeah you know and So I was sitting next to this guy to like tame him, you know? And one day we were, he did, he did two crazy things. We're reading of mice and men, you know, you know, you know, in the very end when he shoots spoiler, when he shoots Lenny in the head, uh, and we're watching the movie, he just goes, boom, headshot, whole class explodes. Yeah.

And then another time must've been like and and at that point they're like all right zach you got to sit next to hank and maybe cool him to cool him off help with his words and uh he had a hole punch you know one of those like old hole punches that collected all the little flakes yeah you know and one day he just took it in the middle of class threw it up in the air and all the flakes ran down he and he just yelled, it's snowing. He's just like a crazy... It wasn't even that funny. It was just very disruptive. No, no, no.

He's wiling. He was just a wiling kid. So they thought you would tame him a little bit. Yeah, I don't know why. I'm like, what am I supposed to do? No, don't. Were you even trying at all to get to know him? Yeah, no, I liked him. you even trying at all to, like, get to know him? Yeah, no, I liked him. Like, we didn't hang out outside of school, but, like, in class, we're, you know.

Yeah. I'm not avoiding him at all, but what am I going to do? Just through osmosis, he's going to become a stable human being? Yeah, I wonder what was going on at home. I don't know, dude. Probably bad stuff. You think they were doing, like, some sorcery and shit? Maybe, yeah.

His mom, I think, took Latin in high school. That same teacher, he lived on a, it was like a haunted road. Yeah. People thought it was like legit haunted. Dude, so the- I have one of those in my neighborhood too. Yeah. Yeah.

With like one abandoned house that looks like it's been abandoned a little too long. Maybe something's moved in. Everyone thought the road was haunted and the houses. Okay. Oh, the road itself. Yeah. I had a friend who smoked a lot of weed, dude, and he said he like broke down on the road was haunted and the houses. Oh, the road itself. Yeah, I had a friend who smoked a lot of weed, dude, and he said he broke down on the road and all of his windows started fogging up. And I'm like, dude, maybe that's because you fishbowled your car.

But yeah, this dude, he definitely smoked a lot of weed, but he was a really smart dude. He's exhaling. He's like, it's a ghost. He's too high. All the windows are up. He's like, dude, I can't see. It's so funny to get so high you think you're being haunted.

You look in the mirror, your eyes are red. You're like, it's in me. Yeah. You fishbowl your car, dude, and call the cops. You're like, there's a fucking ghost. You you call a paranormal investigator you're looking through the yellow pages you bring some homemade equipment you call the insurance company dude yeah yeah you call geico i'm on a haunted road can you guys come pick me up dude i remember getting that high dude i mean i kind of missed that dude so you know you're not a you're not a weed guy

i used to be man i just get really stoned i just like wanted to get high in cars man like fishbowl them and listen to classic rock it's great just play the what if game that's super fun but as i got older man people kind of like moved on yeah past that i wish i i wish because i was kind of a good kid growing up yeah i didn't do uh i didn't do drugs or drink or anything you started recently uh when i was 20 all right but that's pretty late for some people like i didn't do uh i didn't do drugs or drink or anything you started recently uh when i was 20 all right but that's pretty late for some people like i didn't drink or smoke until i was pretty average i would say you think so you were like in college yeah like i didn't do anything in high school you know it's pretty normal i feel like yeah i don't know i feel like everyone i

talked to they're like yeah i was you know I was getting high or drunk whatever at 16 yeah that's way too early man when were you doing it though fishbowling probably a junior in high school so I was 17 that was yeah that's inappropriate at 16 too young seven you know wait a year buddy your brain's not ready soft was I wish I got out of my system more you know yeah man i know for a fact it for sure fucks you up when you yeah like because your brain's developing dude true i'm grateful for that if i could go back i definitely would have smoked less weed because i like never knew what the fuck was going on yeah i'm grateful for that that i didn't fuck up my development yeah but back then i don't think weed had as many chemicals in it you know now weed has like a fuck ton of chemicals in it. And I'm just like, dude,

if you take one hit, you're just fucking gone. Yeah. You're talking about the trichomes. Yeah, dude. It's crazy. Glycerides. Uh, but yeah, man, I wish we could go back and just like feel what it's like to get high for the first time again. Those were so fun. Cause everyone was like, dude, first time you get high, you don't feel anything. But I remember being in this like tent with my Asian friend watching family guy, dude, dude, he up this felt everything this area in his backyard he had like a he had like a deck and you know how there's always like an area under a deck oh yeah and it was like in his back backyards was like isolated you went under the deck dudes we went under the deck and he said dude he set up like tarps so he like closed off the area yeah hooked

up a fucking tv dude that's sick made like a man cave dude literally you're in it you're sitting on dirt yeah i mean we're sitting on fucking lawn chairs i think oh just he put on family guy dude like he had a tv set up like he had a whole man like i was comfortable man that's great but he was like yeah man like you're not gonna get high and like dude he had like three blunts and i remember i'm like the third blunt, dude. I remember that feeling, dude. Yeah. Where I just started fucking laughing like a hyena.

And I was like, dude, this is not real life, man. I remember eating fucking, dude, we got some Cool Ranch Doritos and some salsa, dude. And the salsa fell on the tarp. We were laying on the ground for some reason. I just started eating salsa fell on the tarp where we were laying on the ground for some reason. I just started eating the salsa off the tarp. I ate the whole thing. I just didn't care.

That's the perfect thing to spill salsa on, though. It retains. It's not seeping through. You're basically eating it out of the jar. You think if you were stoned and it hit some grass, you think you'd go for it if you were like super yeah grass not dirt and how much i mean the dirt's under the grass dude you know the grass keeps no the grass is the barrier i guess we're talking about like some legit grass then like some scott

surf grow or something yeah really some serious grass like a sprinkler system type grass yeah yeah like a like a like a globally irresponsible yeah likeler system type grass yeah yeah like a like a like a globally irresponsible yeah like some thick healthy grass yeah yeah like you'd be arrested if you had this grass in california you think you'd do the same thing though like if you drop some mild salsa you'd fucking just go for it to this day sober right now no if you were high as tits yeah really i think so how much salsa do i have left in the jar whole thing dude no no no i thought that was all the salsa there was i thought it was that salsa or no salsa oh no i didn't know there was also like the whole thing fell out and i was like i'm eating this whole thing the whole jar i was eating the

salt for like an hour dude yeah sure just having the time of my life because you're like well it's all natural yeah i mean everyone just watched me weeds from the earth yeah salsa's on the earth yeah i'm from yeah you're all connected yeah yeah i miss you're returning to gaia yeah yeah was your like uh first experience though when you got high was it like a good one or do you just like not yeah yeah for the most part they were they were all good yeah it interacts with my brain in a good way like i know some people well for the most part actually recently it hasn't been i'm learning but uh for the most part it's like i enjoy it more than drinking you never get like paranoid or anything no i now now it's more like self-hating

thoughts yeah of like you suck and uh you know you're stupid and not good at comedy it's a lot of that on yeah um so that's having me reconsider things um that's cool though man you know that like i feel like most people who are really intelligent they have like a an okay time with weed but people who are stupid i just feel like it makes them fucking dumber i mean i think it makes everybody dumber and it makes and it makes me dumber uh i mean i've talked to this i don't want to get too much into this but i've if it's boring but i've talked about this in therapy where it's like i identify as someone who uh you know, can just like have a conversation. Yeah. And like that's something I really like about, you know, have a fun back and forth.

But then weed like inhibits that. So in doing that, it like takes me away from myself. So you're kind of like living in your mind a little bit. Kind of, but I'm not, it's like I'm not embodying my own mind. It's like once i smoke and i get dumber then i feel more removed from myself because i like identify as someone who uh yeah you know what i mean can't like can have a normal fun conversation and then so when i start misfiring if i'm high and like i can't think of stuff yeah you know then i'm like oh fuck

the part that i like about myself isn't even present yeah And that's why it's self-loathing stuff. I feel that, dude. I would never be able to have a conversation stoned. I'd be like, did you guys say boner farts? I remember those moments where people would have... They're like, John, just say grace. It's Thanksgiving. I remember those mature... I appreciate your boner farts from one of you fuckers

like have you ever found yourself though like people are having like a serious talk in their sound and you're just kind of like chime in like fucking poop you try to throw in a little silly boy energy in there that's all i ever did and they're like whoa whoa we're talking to palestine bro yeah i don't know yeah that's crazy man that people get stoned and have like legitimate conversation that's insane dude you gotta check that at the door yeah let's put on some fucking ario speed wagon and fucking jerk each other off dude yeah one of them that's what i would say after someone talked about like a family member that passed away right in ukraine delivering aid their fucking village got bombed i'm like put on some

acdc let's get fucking yeah you guys like american dad i uh um i had i had one really bad weed experience because i was so used to hitting from this pen this like clogged pen and so i really had to like and so i was i was in that mindset yeah pause and uh i went over to my friend's house he had a bong and i ripped the bong with the same velocity as i'd been ripping the pen i took the bong and i was like made me cough now i coughed for i'm not kidding 15 minutes. I looked at the clock and I was still like, after 15 minutes. And my girlfriend at the time was being very, I'm in the bathroom. I'm sitting on the toilet, just kind of like letting my pants down, like spitting between my balls. Because you know, like pre-throw up, you just like spit a lot.

So I'm just like, I'm hitting my balls with my spit. Dude, was that bad? Huh? It was that bad? Holy shit. Well, it was just such a big hit. Yeah. And it's my, I'm just like I'm hitting my balls with my spit dude was that bad huh it was that bad holy shit well it was just such a big hit yeah

and it's my I'm spinning it's like I'm so high from one hit though I'm spinning I'm spinning from one and my girlfriend has her hand on my knee

and I'm like can't touch me too much can't touch and then we have to uber home and this is where it really gets dicey

because I don't know about you but I get like car sick when I with weed it's like a certain smell especially if the windows are on it's the motion have to uber home and this is where it really gets dicey because if ever i don't know about you but i get like car sick when i with like a certain smell especially if the windows are it's the motion oh really no the windows up with windows windows up is worse but it's literally like a seasickness because my my inner ear the balance something's off when i get really really high and i get in the car yeah uh so i'm having to throw so i'm just like like convalescing uh uh like the window's open i'm trying to feel the breeze and just stay grounded and then i have to throw up it's not happening i'm also farting the entire time i'm my stomach is so full again we went over a bridge i farted the whole bridge

it's just far and high it's crazy yeah well i was out, you know? Yeah. I got badness in me. I got to exercise whatever I can. Yeah. And we got like five blocks from my apartment. And I'm like, I got to throw up. So I get out. I stumble over to the curb. I don't even really throw up.

Yeah. Which is embarrassing. Uh-huh. When you get out to throw up and you don't even throw up. I'm trying to make myself throw up. I'm like, no, I got one in there. And I'm sitting down and I just hear, I wore glasses at the time, and my glasses were resting on my knee. And I'm like, where are my glasses?

And then I just hear the biggest crunch, just crank, crank, crank. My glasses were flattened in the middle of the road by the Uber that I just got out of. Like they fell under the car and then the guy just drove off. How the fuck did they fall under the car? I don't know. Or maybe it was a different car that came. But whatever it was, my glasses were in the road. You just like threw them out the window?

I'll be able to see. I'm pretty sure after all this. After this ordeal. Yeah. And then I had had and we're still five blocks from my apartment i had to get another uber yeah i like couldn't even walk holy shit one bong hit kids don't don't do after that were you uh like traumatized from weed or did you have like uh not from weed you were like run it back or were you just like not just from bongs yeah uh because i knew what i did you know yeah i don't think i'm someone

who will write write everything off just because one bad experience i'm like well obviously this is my fault i hit a bong like it was a clogged pen that's a huge mistake i'm spitting on my own balls i get in an uber these are all mistakes i had a girlfriend huge mistake dude i used to pick uh pete like my boys up in my truck dude like this fucking big ass dodge ram yeah it was gray dude that had had flames on it nice and had a subwoofer system in the back under the seats dude so the the truck would like shake yeah dude so we pick up like two chicks and i'm with like two of my friends and uh one of them's in the back and we like fishbowled the truck and i put on like the rolling stones like full volume and i just i'm highest hits dude i just turn around like while we're driving and i go ladies, don't get an orgasm.

My friend, dude, my friend laughed so hard that he legit pissed himself. That feels good. He goes, it's a good feeling. He was like, hey, man, can you turn the volume down? I'm like, yeah, dude. He's like, dude, can you just bring me home? girls are like no i'm gonna come i'm about to come dude the girls were so upset but i remember him being even more upset why were they so i thought he was upset with me dude but he just he told me afterwards he's like dude i had to go because i pissed my pants and it smelled like piss

that's funny to make so everyone's everyone's highest tits and it just smelled like piss that's funny to make so everyone's cocked like his tits and it just smells like piss yeah and like the car shaking yeah yeah man it was tough dude i felt bad for him but did the girl he was laughing so hard that he like legit pissed yeah did the girls laugh no that's why he was laughing no sense that's a good that's true that's a good cover it is funny but it's better that they're not laughing yeah no they were straight faced yeah that was pretty much my whole like why would i come yeah it was just such a dumb thing to yell yeah it was probably the weed though dude yeah because like i was so high that i was like oh these chicks are gonna laugh so hard at this

were they high yeah they were they were probably traumatized dude yeah yeah damn imagine a dude who like legit looks retarded yelling yo as don't don't get an orgasm you're screaming down the highway yeah and then the music starts playing and you just like feel like the seat's shaking it's got to be so confusing oh this is before the music yeah i yelled that and then blasted the music i was like i was like the rolling stones dude it was just like fucking classic rock they like didn't even listen to it how'd you meet these they didn't even appreciate it it was like it was one of the hottest chicks in our school dude it was like we were with like smoke shows high Oh, this was high school?

Yeah. And they agreed to like hang out with us. Oh, I see. It was one of those experiences where they're like, I don't know why they were hanging out with us. Probably because my friends, my friends were like better looking. Yeah. And I think they kind of like wanted free weed. So.

Yeah. You, you had weed and a cool truck. Yeah. We were just getting high as tits. Yeah. You know, they were like, oh, you don't want it. Why not just take a drive? Sure. I probably wanted to give my friend like a hand job or something dude but i yeah i mean he fucking pissed you got him first yeah sorry ladies kind of intercepted that

one it's like i made something come out of his have you ever been high though and like one of your boys like hey man can you drop me off that would crush me dude it was such an emotional moment that was dude i got so sad i would be i would be crushed yeah because you just never want them to go man no i remember like trying to drop off some of my friends sometimes and they were like all right one more one more ride around the block you know of course there's always an emotional moment dude you're like all right man have a good night yeah your boat's just high. You got to go back to like life. You got to wake up without your buddy.

And you just go in the house, dude, and just like fucking drink a gallon of milk and shit. Yeah. You know, just try to kill yourself. Dude, have you ever gotten stoned by yourself?

Yeah, all the time. Really? Yeah. Cause I remember I did that one time, dude, and it was one of the best moments of my life. Especially if you're hanging out with a dog.

Can I tell you, this is very embarrassing that i said to myself i was in my apartment in uh somerville massachusetts um and uh i was in just in my room smoking a bowl and again i didn't do any of this this as a kid yeah and uh i'm listening to caius you know caius no do you know queens of the stone Age? No. What genre of music is this? Uh, it's like alternative rock kind of, but Caius is kind of like stoner rock. It's very groovy and like the song is seven minutes and nice riffs. Yeah. Riff city. Okay. You ever been? I've been to Riff city. City of birth. Oh yeah, dude. You're the mayor of Riff city. Don't. Yeah. It's my security answer for a lot of my questions. I'm the mayor ofitty city dude oh nice i've uh never been i've heard it's nice yeah good roads good bike lanes

titty city oh anyway so i'm smoking and uh smoking i'm listening to this like stoner desert rock band yeah and uh i'm just having the best time i'm just you know i have one of these rugs but my my my socks are off and my toes are just like in the rug I'm smoking I'm listening to the I'm just headbanging and I'm like if eighth grade me could see me now I said that to myself I was like I bet he wouldn't think I'm where I am right now it was so embarrassed but it was you know I was alone yeah it was just you I was like why not yeah you know I think I mean, this is, I have this video actually somewhere. I know it's on a computer of, because sometimes I would just get super high and listen to

music and just like really go hard at like air drumming and air guitar. You wouldn't videotape yourself. I actually did. Oh, shit. I did. I did. Wow. Yeah, because I wanted to see.

And I would, yeah, like, I was like pre-TikTok. I did that with notes. To like metal songs. I did that with notes. With what? I would get really high and then I would write down my like I was like pre-TikTok. I did that with notes. To like metal songs. I did that with notes. With what? I would get really high and then I would write down my thoughts. No, okay. And dude, I got high alone and I was in my bathroom, dude.

And I had this thought, cause I did comedy at that age. And I literally wrote down in my notes, dude, next time you go on stage, yell vagina as if your life depends on it. Like I literally wrote that, but I was like, I was like adamant about it. Was this an opener or like anytime during the set? Right off the bat. Like don't even ask anyone how they're doing. And I remember writing that note and being like, dude,

just make sure you yell it as if like you're about to die. You know what I mean? Like be very passionate about it yeah and i was like people will laugh yeah and then i remember reading it the next day and be like holy shit like there was a moment in time where i believed in that right yeah of course it's all just so interesting when you're high i would like go out of my room to get to like make a meal and everything's funny man everything's fun everything's meaningful i would come into my room with like just like heated up leftovers and i felt like a fucking orc returning to his cave with a little fresh hobbit to nibble on i felt so accomplished

you know and it's just just like dragging a kill back to the cave it's less stressful when it's just you yeah you know yeah nobody nobody's watching you're not worried about perception yeah yeah yeah man if i ever smoke weed again i think it'll just be by myself yeah you know maybe it's going like a little adventure yeah a little inner exploration yeah man i remember eating box when i was high once how'd that go it felt like i was eating like a rotisserie chicken dude that wouldn't end yeah it was like unlimited chicken it just felt like i was eating like a rotisserie chicken dude that wouldn't end yeah just it was like unlimited chicken it just felt like forever yeah you know it just felt like i was like uh i like literally went to the supermarket dude and just like stuck my face in the machine but like the machine yeah the rotisserie chicken machine yeah with the spit thing yeah yeah as if

like heat wasn't an issue like i just kept running my face through all those dude sounds like a gay man's hell yeah it was weird man it felt like i was like a fisherman but i wasn't right you know what i mean yeah you like to fish yeah do you it felt like i was fishing but i just like never dude you want to hear something crazy sure dude i'll tell you the story then we'll end it but sure dude one of the first times i uh ever got high on a school night i was with these uh i was with these twins uh nick and ben okay and we would fish in this cove like in the reservoir dude and uh it was like a wednesday night so i knew i knew i had school like the next day dude so we like take a bunch of bong rips and we start casting out and we're all

like next to each other and dude i'm like i'm like fucking holy shit dude i gotta i got a big one you know because i like i see it like i see the fish and my friend next to me dude he's like dude i fucking got one like he's yelling fish on because like river monsters was big back then and he's just like dude this fish is so fucking big dude like he's like reeling it in like save it's like literally he's like putting his life on the line to reel this fish in yeah and i'm also like dude i'm reeling a fish in and i'm like dude you better fucking reel this thing in, dude. Dude, so he reels in the fish. And it's literally like the smallest fish I've ever seen in my life. His rod's bending. And then I look at my line, dude.

And I was looking at his line. Oh, man. I thought his line was my line. Yeah. Whose line is it anyway? I didn't even have a hook. I didn't even have a hook was my line. Yeah. Whose line is it? I didn't even have a hook. I didn't even have a hook on my line. I was so high, dude.

I'm just fucking reeling in nothing, dude. You just threw a string in the water. I just remember being like, dude, I got to go home. Because I had school the next day. I was like, dude, I got to get out of here, man. Yeah. And then your friends were like, I'm so sad. Johnny wants to leave. Dude, I was that high, though, where I was like, dude, I have a fucking hog on the line

right now. You know what I mean? Yeah. Got a river monster. Because, like, have you ever been so high that you actually feel things? Because I've been there, dude, where I'm like, I feel resistance. That isn't there? Yeah.

Some sort of fucking yeah i'll get phantom phone buzz like i don't have my phone in my pocket but it feels like i did like it feels like someone's calling me that's what that's kind of what i was feeling yeah i felt the fish dude yeah i could have sworn it was there dude yeah you know yeah no one will believe i wonder what that is man the huge fish pops his head out no one's gonna believe you just fucking just magic dude no hook is so funny yeah no that's crazy i didn't even honestly i feel like fishing rods come with hooks like you if you would have had to take it off oh i didn't even hook my line i didn't put a worm on or

anything yeah watching them look over though because, because they were, like, excited for me. They were like, oh, let's see what he got. Yeah. Are you sure, though? Like, so you pulled up just bare string, just a line? Yeah, because we hadn't even... You sure that you didn't have a fish and that it bit it all off? We got high and then went down to fish.

Yeah. And I just, I was just casting nothing. That's like when they, it's like when you take uh i don't know someone driving and like they have a fake steering wheel that doesn't do anything but i'm driving like let's take johnny fishing just their look of disappointment dude just being like wow man but dude thank you for coming bro thanks dude this is fun i hope it uh i hope it comes out good yeah man no dude it was a good time dude i appreciate you it was a good time to talk to you man and uh if you just want to share with the people like your uh your social man anything you got coming up yeah it's uh three

one two five six eight nine three four um is that actually your so no no no i was gonna be like i'm an improv master yeah just made all that up can you believe it just improv the full social um yeah you could uh follow me at zach russell comedy uh i have a history podcast called overshadowed we talk about the siblings and spouses of famous people we recently drank uh who's her famous oh i thought you were just gonna use oh her siblings yeah we could we could you come on at any time open it i would love to talk about like helen keller and shit we could dude because that's like what i'm uh that's what you're all about most knowledgeable about dude yeah i just started like six times we just we just talked about the uh you know anything about

the kellogg brother like john harvey kellogg like cornflakes yeah yeah the the anti-masturbation cornflakes and like what he was all about up in battle creek michigan that was during like the industrial revolution right um not not far off actually really uh when was that that was like early 1900s or some shit yeah you're not you're it was it was like uh it was the end of reconstruction basically it was like 1890 It was like 1890s, like Gilded Age. Yeah, man, I'm not really good with history. I asked the last guest we had on, I asked him with a straight face if Helen Keller was alive during the Salem witch trials. I honestly don't think that's a dumb question.

If you looked it up, though, you would laugh. Really? Because it was in like the 1600s. Oh, really? looked it up though you would laugh really because it was in like the 1600s oh really i thought it was like i thought the civil rights act was for black people and witches i thought lbj was trying to protect those when i googled it i laughed so hard hilarious that is because i didn't know in the salem witch trials i had no frame of reference yeah imagine being 300 years off though yeah Yeah. That's pretty bad.

That's pretty bad. Yeah. But you live and you learn, dude. Yeah. Yeah, you do. Um, but yeah,

overshadowed podcast. Check it out. It's fun. And, uh, who knows? Maybe we'll get, uh,

salami on there to talk Helen Keller. Fuck. Yeah, dude. Thank you for coming, bro. Thanks, dude.

God is good.