The Johnny Salami Podcast - Zach Valencia

Episode Date: April 10, 2023

Zach Valencia by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Music Music Music Music

Music Music Music Music Music Music Oh, bro, I'm hurting. Dude, mornings like this, man, fucking Saturday morning. Dude, this is prime time, bro. I've already walked two miles today, dude.

Dude, I walked to Starbucks, man. Just listening to fucking ACDC. Just getting hyped. Looking at the city. I was looking at the ground the whole time, dude. You don't want to look up. It was a movie, though, dude. It was a movie.

Every morning is a movie in New York City, baby. Dude, there's nothing like it, man. If you walk down this strip, it's like a mile to the Starbucks, dude. Fucking just looking at the ground like nut sweat. It's fucking wild, man, if you walk down this strip, it's like a mile to the Starbucks, dude. Fucking just looking at the ground, like, nut sweat. It's fucking wild, man. Power walk. And then on that way back, you got that coffee, that shit sweat that you know it's coming. Yeah, dude, you're already, like, you're building up an imbalance.

It's like you're holding the coffee and your other arm's fucking swinging. Oh, yeah. Yeah, dude. And you're fucking hitting people as you walk by. Yeah, dude, not even looking, man. That's what it's all about, dude. My neck is fucked from living here, man. Just looking at the ground all the time.

Well, you can't look up. You're going to get hurt. Someone's going to hurt. They're going to be like, why is this guy looking up? What are you so confident about? Especially with my look, dude. People are going to be like, this guy is threatening me right now. This guy is coming at me.

He's staring me down. Staring my soul. You have like resting bitch face, dude. That's fucking. It's tough. It's tough, man. It's tough. I'm with you. For sure. at me he's he's staring me down staring my soul you have like resting bitch face dude that's fucking it's tough it's tough man out here it's tough i'm with you for sure i'm tired dude it looks like i just hate everybody yeah i was just fucking that tells me a lot about you though dude like resting bitch face it's like this guy just doesn't care anymore oh he's giving up he's giving up he's just satisfied he's like i'm gonna keep this mean stare so nobody talks to me or looks at me.

Dude, when I first moved here, man, I wasn't used to it at all, obviously. And I would walk by people and look at them and greet them. I would be like, how you doing? And they'd no answer. Like, fuck you. It was brutal, man. It makes you feel like, I'm just trying to be nice. Yeah.

Dude, if you hold the door for someone around here, it's, dude. It's on. They'll call the fucking feds, man. They'll call the feds on you. They'll call the boys, the wolves. It's fucking wild, man. This guy just held the door. It's like, hey, get the fuck out of New York City right now.

Get the fuck out of here, dude. Got to know what you're doing here. Yeah, it's tough, man. But yeah, dude, I fucking love doing the podcast in the morning, dude. Anything in the morning, man. Are you like a morning person or no? When I'm up, I love it. When I'm up, but if I didn't, I'd probably still be asleep right now.

You're still living in like Rentham, Mass., right? I live in Newton now. Really? Yeah, I moved right outside. You got your own place? Yeah, I mean, a couple roommates, a couple boys from high school oh fuck man yeah high school dude not even college actually two of them went to i lived with him in college too so it's just i'm just one of those guys oh you guys are tight then you guys know each other like front and back i hate them now is what i'm saying yeah i just like oh that's

tough man everything they do yeah down they just like cook breakfast like the fuck you doing here yeah dude start throwing fucking rocks dude yeah start air punching like the you doing here yeah start throwing rocks dude yeah i just start air punching them i love doing that yeah give them a little airpods that's tough man knowing the boys since high school yeah know everything about them then you see them act how they are now and it's the same thing for me and i'm like that's not who you are like i saw you when you were oh yeah so when you're yeah you can call them out yeah yeah yeah they pull their pants down at the urinal make you're that guy still in my mind yeah dude that's tough man i lived with uh last when i moved to boston i lived with my childhood best friend who i knew since like middle school man so we just we knew

each other too well so the boundaries were like you know they were steep dude yeah but he had a girlfriend and shit man so like he was always whipped hardcore whipped but yeah we just kind of like kept our distance because we just knew each other so well yeah well that's kind of nice it is nice when you're like i don't have like if you have a new roommate you're like i have to like be on for the first few months like i get beyond all the time i'm gonna be cool but these guys like i don't care you could leave my life i've i've had enough at least you like trust him though man yeah yeah exactly dude out in college bro i lived with uh instead of getting random roommates i decided to live with like two dudes so i went to high school with terrible decision oh yeah oh yeah you guys are just doing the same thing you

did in high school it's just three dudes in a dorm, like five feet away from each other. You know what I mean? Yeah, just drinking Bud Light. I'm fucking jerking off, like squeezing like Dorito bags. Yeah. Throwing them down. Putting Doritos. The Doritos aren't gone.

You're putting them back on the shelf. Someone else is going to eat some of those. Yeah. Well, dude, I'm using them to like, as a decoy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever done that? Just kind of crunching eating while you're doing it yeah did you you crunch it with your left hand and you just start

spanking dude you spank they can't tell they have no idea i mean they probably can but at least you tried oh yeah yeah at least you were courteous enough to try to bought it if anything that's a terrible decoy because you're just like attracting attention yeah no you're like you're basically wrinkling and then you're like see this completely different noise of me jerking my dick now you're you're aware that that's happening yeah that's like fucking like setting off a bomb and then you just start spanking you're like why is everyone looking at me yeah you're like you can't hear this you know but dude we ended up like hating each other i mean i didn't but the other two roommates were just like fuck this guy oh they hated you well because you respect no they didn't hate me i was like in the middle oh they like hated each other oh so like secretly and i

was just like all right man like you know get over it i don't know yeah it's tough though because you're like five feet away from each other so it's's like, you know what I mean? Yeah, you can't get away. They breathe. They'll, like, breathe heavy. And you'll be like, this guy fucking sucks. Yeah, you just, like, you start to pick up, like, their nuances and shit. Like, whether it's, like, breathing heavy or, like, chewing with their mouth open and shit. And you're just like, dude, I want to fucking murder you right now.

Yeah, I want to fight you. I want to, like, I wish you were a slave so i could tell you not to do that there is that there is that you get three dudes you've all been together for a while and then you're like what's the power dynamic what is the power dynamic then boom at one point everyone's dick does get shown and you figure out who's unfortunate top dog yeah who's the big swinging dick dude who's the big swinging dick, dude? Who's the big swinging dick? Who's going to lead the pack? Yeah. Who's going to lead the pack, dude?

Yeah, that's what it is, man. It might take a while, dude, but it's just natural. It's nature. It's nature at that point. You can't do it. I fucking, I'll never lead the pack, ever. Oh, God, no. No, man.

I'm fucking in the background. I'm just like, whatever you guys want to do, feel free to do it. Yeah, you're that guy. You're going to ride it. Dude, you guys are free birds, man. You know? Do whatever you do whatever you want dude i'm gonna fucking do my own thing yeah just sit back smile yeah just find an open field dude fucking wave my arms everywhere and shoot man run through it touch the grass that's fun yeah yeah i'm never gonna i'll be the guy that will lead a pack and then he's like the first guy to die and everyone else in the pack learns from him

like we can't be as dumb as this guy was yeah like he made the sacrifice the initial sacrifice now they know now they know how to act so that's me i think i can lead it and then boom yeah i'm out i'm i'm on the side of the highway i would be the guy who like leads the pack and gives like a drew breeze type motivational speech to my boys and then when war starts i just dip oh yeah you just hide under a body just hide right away rub blood on your face just hide in a bunker until it's over like bring a fucking fatty with me and but then later all your sharing war stories you have like unlimited stories yeah just making them up i'm in the i'm in the folk tale yeah yeah you're the one that the history that's pretty much how it works in real time too

pretty much like some like white dude some white rich dude who just talks about like adversity and shit and then he just goes in the way back yeah he's like chill it's just watches everyone die but that's why he's so good about talking about it because he's watching everyone else dies like this this guy made this mistake this guy why he's so good about talking about it because he's watching everyone else die. He's like, this guy made this mistake, this guy made this mistake. So he can talk about it because he hid in the back and watched.

It's like... He also has a shit ton of money. So it's like he can pretty much do whatever he wants. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's golden. George Bush style. Everyone else is just like brainwashed. Yeah, well, they have to be.

They don't have enough money to not be. You need a certain amount of money to not be brainwashed. Yeah, well, they have to be. They don't have enough money to not be. You need a certain amount of money to not be brainwashed. Otherwise, you're just going to be hungry. You're not going to be thinking. You're not trying to outthink people. You're like, give me food. I'm hungry. If you were in like a Viking type setting though and you were in like an open field

and shit was about to go down, would you like dip on your horse? Oh, probably. I have that in probably i mean i have that in me like i have that in me yeah definitely because like part of me like i could get away with it if everyone's like grabbing me like he's trying to run he's trying to run i'd like i'd have to play it by yeah i wonder if they had like uh stuff set up like security for like if someone tried to like dip yeah it's just a couple guys in the back. Dude, it had to be a problem because there's no internet. There's no phones. There's no like record of who you are.

You can dip, grow your hair out, and start a new line. Just like that if you're smart enough. They know people are thinking about that thing. You had like drone footage of the war, dude. It's just like both sides going at each other. You just see one horse just rear off to the left. I'm fucking out of here, bro. Just looking behind, I'm like, do they see me?

Fuck. I don't even think. I'm not trying to be a pussy or anything, dude, but that would for sure be me, man. No matter what type of speech you give me, I'm like, dude, I'm not trying to be a pussy or anything, dude, but that would for sure be me, man. Like, no matter what type of speech you give me, I'm like, dude, I'm not fighting over, like, fucking three acres of corn. It's like, you guys aren't even going to feed me. They can have it. Give me one husk of corn a month. I'll be fine.

I'm fine. I don't need this shit, man. I'm not trying to die for, like, fucking anal. You know what I mean? And that's what's going to happen. Yeah. Like like they're probably gonna if there's no women around i mean it's war it's war that's what they talk about in the meetings they're like we're fighting it's two four anal four anal yeah that all this war is to

disguise because we like anal sex and we can't admit that that's not allowed in our time so we're gonna go fight these guys and have anal sex yeah there's always like a hidden like policy behind the scenes oh yeah it's like we're writing down on paper that this is for livestock but it's really for anal for anal yeah i mean those turks have a nice set of cheeks we want it and dude so yeah dude that's the whole ottoman empire whatever yeah i wouldn't mind dude if you if you're down man those Turks have a nice set of cheeks. We want it. Fuck yeah, dude. That's the whole Ottoman Empire or whatever. I wouldn't mind, dude, if you're down, man. Dude, weren't you, like, talking about, like,

I think last time I saw you at a show, you were talking to some dude about how you took shrooms and then you, like, went in the woods just to see, like, what would happen. Oh, yes, yes. Yes. I took shrooms and went on a hike uh at mount graylock it's like a big mountain in massachusetts i think it's the biggest and uh i just was like whatever there's nothing that big in massachusetts i can handle it yeah took shrooms but i waited too long and the sun came down so i get to the top of the mountain and the sun came down i it's pitch black i literally

can't see a thing i'm just on mushrooms and it's probably i think it's like three and a half miles down and there's no path it's just mud and rock so i just had my phone light i just ran down started hearing things i'm like is this the woods or is this the mushrooms yeah and i fucking tripped i was eating shit just like i came out covered in mud threw away my shoes i don't have i had to buy new shoes the next day it's covered in blood and uh then i had to set up a show at just some brewery wow just set it up and the same night oh like an hour after holy shit i drove over there set it up and started taking tickets wow and i was just like the whole room was moving and i'm

people they're like we're so excited for this comedy show i was like i am having a panic attack i'm freaking out dude what if someone like me like started fucking with you like if you told me that and i just started like screaming penis in the background would you be like that's not real i would yeah i would probably think that that there's a part of my subconscious that's thinking penis right now i'm like is this what is this like you're telling your jokes and you're just constantly hearing penis it's like the penis game it gets louder too remember that game yeah play that game yeah but it's in your head dude it's all in your head and you're just like what does this mean is this yeah should i try should i is my penis is something wrong with my

yeah should i try what am i doing it is something wrong with my yeah should i try what am i doing that'd be wild or maybe you just feel more comfortable you'd be like wow this is like home to me yeah that would be weird do you think there are people like that who are just i feel like i would probably feel that way yeah you just feel comfortable you're like just a bunch of dicks floating around in my head all day you're like this is home this is peace this is where i belong man this is my zen you start reading the bible you're like this is what they were talking about yeah with heaven the amount of like the amount of penises that have affected my life dude that just don't even exist man oh really yeah just you've thought them up they were like they've entered your i mean i've made them dude oh you oh you made them

i manifested these penises yeah either mentally or physically dude just grabbing dude when i was in high school ceramics uh we had to like uh make uh like we had to make whatever we wanted with clay and the teacher was super excited because the school didn't have enough money to purchase the clay and they finally they're like we're gonna start a class but you don't have what you need for the class yeah so like six months pass and she's like finally she's like finally we have enough money for clay and like dude they just had like mounds of clay and everyone got a small portion of clay. And she was like, make whatever you want. And nobody wanted to make anything at my table.

So I was like, if you guys don't mind, like I'll just take your clay. So I can make a bigger penis. Dude, so I made the biggest clay penis ever, dude. Just a massive like honker. And so she's walking around and she's checking out everyone's stuff. She's half the penis the size of her desk. Yeah. She's, like, looking around, and she's like, oh, like, what have you guys made?

And she just sees me with, like, a straight face. Like, just a massive dick, dude. And I just remember she looked at it with, like, a straight face, and then she turned around, dude, and went into the back room for, like, five minutes. Dude, I had no idea why she did. And then when I graduated, dude, I was walking across the stage, and afterwards, like, all the teachers were hanging out, and she was like, hey, I just wanted to let you know that that day I went in the back room to laugh my ass off.

Dude, she was, like, the coolest teacher ever, man. That is my ass off. Dude, she was like the coolest teacher ever, man. I thought she cried or something. Dude, that's what I thought, man. I was actually kind of upset. I was like, oh, shit. But it is art, man. It was a graphic dick. Did you throw some veins in there?

Oh, dude, it had veins. I made little pubes. Oh, wow. I just ripped out my own hair. So you were a talented sculptor then. For sure, man. This could have been your... Yeah, I mean, dude, art's subjective, right? Like art's everywhere, dude.

So it's like you can't really hate on a penis. No, no. A lot of kids got in trouble for making bongs. Oh, yeah. That's what I would have done probably. Yeah. Dude, kids got like screamed at for making bongs, which makes sense. But if they had only made a penis bong, you know, a bong shaped like a penis, that seems like fair game?

Yeah, dude, that's like a hybrid, you know? A hybrid, you're kind of bending the system. You're fucking with the arts, man. Yeah, okay. Yeah, but dude, she, uh... You don't want to do that. You would, like, make the clay, like, whatever you want, make whatever you want with the clay, and then she would put it in, like, one of those fucking like cements it together makes it solid you feel me yeah i'm

so in the end like if she put my penis in that machine dude it would have fucking like blown up oh yeah it's way too big she probably took it home dude she probably took it home dude that would be so funny if she put it in there and there's just like a massive explosion. What caused this? They have like cameras set up. Yeah, they're reviewing the tapes and they're just watching you construct this penis. And then there's like a video of her just holding it, like pretending to suck it. Yeah, that comes out later.

They have to fire her. Play it on the 7 o'clock news. The after hour she's talking to it, she's like, shh, shh, shh. Yeah, that comes out later. They have to fire her. Play it on the 7 o'clock news. After hours, she's talking to it. She's like, shh, shh, shh. She's putting little hats on it. It gives it a name. It's hard not to feel that way about a penis like that, dude.

Yeah, dude. They're nice. There's something attractive about them. I think what got her, though, was the fact that I had a straight face. Yeah, I can picture it. It's like the face right before you started laughing just looking at her like in a young version well dude i was emotionally invested in it man oh really i spent a lot of time on it oh really how much time would you say maybe three classes three classes she didn't know what it was too like initially because like dude i made the balls

first oh like two massive balls and then i had to make the shaft, like, quicker because that's when you can kind of start to tell. Did you go skinny shaft or was it skinny long, fat show? Typically, you would think, dude, it would be like a mixture of, like, you would think there would be, like, you know, an elephant in the room, right? Like it might be too short, but, dude, this thing was just, like, girth and length. Oh, and everything. Like just the perfect penis dude that's why i was getting emotional man god cried it was god's dick oh it was his it was his himself imagine going to an art gallery and you just see

like the little piece of paper next to the art it It just says God's dick. God's dick. Whoa. How much for God's dick? How much does that run you? So I want that. You just write some fake paragraph about like where it originated. Yeah, it's like ancient Greece. Like this was crafted in ancient Greece

by Sir Johnny Salamis. This was crafted at a local Arby's by a mentally handicapped man. By a very disturbed mentally handicapped man by yeah very disturbed mentally handicapped not just in the normal moment that's wild though man i would never even like i mean like i'm not i don't smoke weed or anything but when i did nature and me like didn't really gel well together okay like dude i would have a blast in nature but as far as like navigating the trees and shit man like everything that nature has to offer man you know scary yeah dude i got high with this kid once

in a cove we went fishing and it was just me and him just two dudes hanging out so like i meet him up in this cove to go fishing. And he's got one of those vape pens, but they're, like, dabs. And I didn't know they were dabs. He was like, you want to rip this? And I was like, sure. I just thought it was, like, regular, like, weed or whatever. So, we're, like, handing it back and forth. And it finally hits me, and I'm like, dude, I should not be here right now.

You should not be in a cove with this man. So, like, I start typically start typically like just laughing my ass off but dude i had uh i had waders with me to go in the water what are we what are waiters like waiters are like that uh they're like it's like a rubber suit kind of so you have the boots connected to the rubber suit and they go up like above your waist so you can just walk in the water to get like deep in coves and catch fucking big bertha so i'm wearing these things like i came ready to play dude yeah this is a big day this is but dude i ended up getting high as tits and he's like all right man you ready to go to the sweet spot and i was like fuck yeah dude so he's like all right man like we gotta cross

this bridge and i was like okay like what do you mean and it's literally just like three logs connecting like one island to the other and he was like all right man like you got to balance on these like logs to get across and he was like but you have waders dude so he's like all right man the left side's like two feet deep so you can just walk across he He was like, stay away from the right side. Dude, I literally just stepped into the right side and I submerged like eight feet underwater. Just sinking right away. And you're high. You think your life's ending.

Dude, I was high as tits and I submerged underwater with my backpack on, holding my pole, all my valuables. Everything you got. And I'm just underwater, and I'm like, no way this is happening. Yeah, yeah, you're thinking. You know, when you're high, you think slow. Dude, so I pop my head up from the water, and I just scream, fuck.

I'm like, fuck. From underwater or popped up first? Once I got up and I just screamed fuck. I'm like, fuck! From underwater or popped up first? Once I got up, I just screamed fuck. This kid laughed harder than I've ever seen anyone laugh. He was crying laughing. Especially because he knows he just drugged you basically

and caused this. Dude, it caught him off guard because it happened so fast. I can just picture you just like literally almost looking like a fucking scuba diver just disappearing. Oh, dude, it was so bad, man. Dude, I lost my pole too, man.

My pole fucking sunk to the bottom. All I had was my backpack with all my belongings. Like your phone and stuff? Oh, my phone, like everything I brought, and then my waders. Yeah, we just walked to my car. It's an awkward wet ride back. Damn.

Yeah, we drove in different cars, though, man. So he basically just said goodbye to me. Oh, that's fucking weird. I was like, yeah, man, I think we both know it's time for me to go home. I don't know if we're going to be. I don't know if we'll do this again, this little. Where was his coat? Where are you? Where I don't know if we're going to be. I don't know if we'll do this again, this little fishing. Where was this cove?

Where are you? Where I'm from in Rhode Island. Oh, okay. It was in the reservoir, the local reservoir. So there was like a bridge, and then under the bridge, there was this massive cove. And, dude, there was just like this huge fish under there. But you would have to like really get deep in there, dude. Get deep. So I brought the waders, dude.

I'm like, I'm ready for fucking war right now. Yeah, you're ready to fucking take over. I'm going to go deep in that pussy there dude so i brought the waders dude i'm like i'm ready for fucking war right now yeah you're ready to fucking i'm gonna go deep in that pussy dude oh yeah oh yeah deep in the ocean blue you want big bertha man you gotta fucking make some sacrifices yeah you gotta put your you gotta put yourself in places you don't want to put yourself then big bertha told about how bad you want it man how bad do you want do you fish at all or no uh no i'm not a big fisher you look like you fucking fish dude yeah with this hat on i look like you look do you fish at all or no uh no i'm not a big fisher you look like you fucking fish do it yeah with this hat on i look like you look like you look like you have a fucking bass boat yeah it looks like i do some bad stuff yeah it looks like you know i'm on the side of the highway

selling the fish casting out yeah casting out selling fish where'd you get this fish i don't know yeah no i don't fish i uh no i don't but you made it back down the mountain though i made it back down the mountain i got down it took me a while and uh like i said i was all bloody and stuff and i just walked and saw my car and well i had the app the all trails app so i knew i was going the right way but i couldn't see anything yeah so like as long as i was still on the thing yeah but uh i don't know the mushrooms made me feel like i was in there for 10 hours like i thought this was maybe my death i started to realize yeah what even happens when you like well the first time you ever took mushrooms like

what happened well first time i took a lot of mushrooms, like I went full. This was like maybe a gram and a half. It was nothing crazy. Yeah. But the first time I was at my buddy's cape house and we all took them and just kind of wandered, just being silly, you know. Everything just seems so, I don't know. It's just like we were laughing because my friend had his hood like not you laugh at shit that it's just not funny like at all but

it's funny for some reason today yeah and uh i fucking got shot into space the first time i literally like fell back on my buddy's couch laid there for like an hour shit and just my mouth open and they were like taking videos of me they're like he looks like a heroin addict right now he looks like a heroin i was playing music so the it started shuffling and i don't know why this came on but like some like frank sinatra type shit came on my playlist and i'm controlling the vibe for everybody but i'm knocked out so i'm just like eyes closed going through Frank Sinatra land. Fuck.

1950s. He's got some jams too. He's got some jams. He's got a beautiful voice. Yeah. Like shit, I'm not, I don't even know where I am. I feel like I went back in time. Yeah.

Then I woke up, or no, I opened my eyes and my friends were just staring at me. Whoa. Really creepily. Yeah. So you just went on like your own adventure pretty much? Pretty much a solo adventure. It was probably a couple hours into it. We were goofing off.

We were just goofing. You frolic. You frolic around the yard like a kid. You just like. Yeah. I know what you mean, man. Yeah. I think about that a lot, dude.

Yeah. Just like the old adventures, bro. Yeah. You just got to stick. Yeah, man. When you were younger, you just got a stick yeah man when you were younger you just fucking like frolicked around dude just kind of like observed everything and experienced shit oh i love now we're just like looking at fucking tits on our phone and it's like all day dude all day like dude if you hit me up man and you were like do you want to play tag

right now i would think about it i would think about it too because you're just you're free you're free you're not you're not imprisoned to tits on your phone or just like. Yeah, just you and me in an open field, dude. Just playing tag. Just playing tag. Two guys running through the meadow. You're telling me you wouldn't have fun, dude? Oh, I would have a blast.

You might be like, this is a little gay, but. You know what? You can't be a gay when you're a kid. We would just have to say like no homo before we did it. Oh, definitely. Like we would walk out in the field and be like, no homo before we did it oh definitely like we would walk out in the field and be like no homo dude you're it you're yeah yeah be fucking sick man and then you know if there's that moment where it's like you're running you know you chase you're chasing

me in the field but going through the meadows and like you reach out try to like tag me you kind of trip and i'm like oh no yeah i grab you and my and then we're just in the field in the meadow just holding each other just holding each other yeah locking eyes it's an emotional roller coaster man and then we just look in each other's eyes for about two minutes right just two minutes staring each other's eyes and then i go no homo though yeah that's it and that's how we know it's cool yeah dude and it's all good man dude i felt like i was there when you said that i'm thinking about a field near my house too oh really like you have a field in mind i got a field in mind yeah i got one relatively near my house yeah everyone's got a field everyone's got a nice

field dude like there's nothing better than an open field bro you ever been that like you go to like uh like in college i'd go to like if i went to one of my college friends town and they just have their like dude this field this field, fucking sick. Like everyone has a field or like a random just like woods area. Just an area, man. Sick. Just an open area, dude. It's disgusting.

It's just nothingness. And you're like, fuck yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. I used to shred the track, dude, back home, man. Oh, really? Dude, there was an open field near my house, man. And like no one ever went dude i would bring out one of the i would bring out uh i had my own sled you know what a sled is yeah you know oh dude i don't know what a sled is no i do

no that was good i was like i was starting to uh i was starting to lose it and then you're like do you know what a sled is and that well i didn't know if you were thinking about like a reindeer sled well i was kind of like i was like yeah is this like uh like a sled that you get a target you go down or is this like a full-on oh we're talking about like a workout sled you put the weights on dude yeah yeah i see that's not what i see i knew you were thinking about christmas yeah i know i'm retarded dude but i knew you were thinking about christmas yeah i know i'm retarded dude but i'm not sledding in the middle of summer dude okay yeah i was like maybe i don't know maybe it was muddy you were like where is this going yeah i wanted to know just me in the

middle of the summer sledding down a fucking just dirt just nothing just nothing i was like all right maybe yeah it could have been muddy maybe it rained dude i used to go to this open field though dude and bring a workout sled man stack some weight on that bitch dude it's fine god out there dude fucking drive the fuck out of my knees dude fucking high knees dude quarter chub going my shirt's off a little sweaty yeah i'm sweating my tits off dude my gooch is fucking flaring drenched in it dude you got a little just get a little red face a little red yes that's living once you get the fucking tit sweat going dude with your shirt off and you're just driving your knees as hard as you can dude just blasting like gang shit like music that involves someone screaming er day oh yeah yeah that okay i'm right there with you

er day yeah dude it was wild man i would get like some sick workouts in there and it was just me in the field bro just you in the field yeah no enemies just the field yeah nature there was one point in time where i was out in that field dude and i was like three months without social media dude i felt like i didn't even exist yeah you don't you know it's like the feeling that you can't even explain man wow you're like I could die right now

and nothing would matter yeah you know what I'm saying yeah just right here in that field and that's what you're yelling at and there's people nearby

yeah there's a local neighborhood yeah I'm like fucking I could die yeah I could die right now and be fine

there's like a birthday party going on yeah you can see the kids birthday party it's like a bouncy house they on yeah you can see the kids birthday party it's like a bouncy house they're like all right like kids that's why you don't do drugs like this is sober you don't even want to see me on drugs yeah this is like a free man right here this is just freedom that's an emotionally field free man freedom yeah nice okay dude i miss that dude man i feel like i think about my childhood way too much

and i just don't care what people think you know what i mean that's the only thing that's keeping me going right now just childhood just pure just those adventures oh yeah you know fuck yeah i just remember being at like fucking uh birthday parties when i was younger and just like sitting on sprinklers slitting like like would it be one of those ones that pops out of the ground both yeah oh yeah it was like uh i would usually break the rotating ones but if someone had a sprinkler system dude i had the fucking mental audacity to sit on one of those dude just fucking shred my ass all open based on who has have you ever done that have you ever sat on a sprinkler

before? I can't say I have. You should try it this summer, man. It's getting, we're close. We're close to sprinkler sitting time. Just walk over to your neighbor's house. Dude, if they have a sprinkler system, just pull your pants down, man, and just let it happen, dude. Just let it, oh, so you go full, you're not even just sitting pants,

you want pants on. Well, dude, these were at like birthday parties in the summer, so there would be like a slip and slide and shit. So I would just be in a bathing suit, man. Okay. I would just walk over and just sit on it, dude. And did the parents,

the other kids, I mean, I'm sure they were confused, but if you do it with confidence, man, I mean, I had straight up fucking diesel tits. I was like overweight.

Like I didn't brush my hair and I smell like shit so they were like all right this kid he's gonna let him be happy he's gonna sit on some sprinklers like this it added up you're just glad he's getting some water it's like a bath like you were just glad he's getting some water no one was afraid of me being gay they were just like he's just confused yeah he needs to figure things out. Yeah, he's just, just let him, let him work. Let him work. Dude, there was something about pulling my pants down, man, when I was younger that just like really got me going. So were you a urinal guy?

Like you pulled the pants down? Originally, yeah. Oh, so you were. Once people started like making fun of me, that's when I was like, all right, let's pull it out the right way. What age did you make the transition? It was like two weeks ago. Two weeks ago.

Oh, yeah. you make the transition uh it's like two weeks ago two weeks ago once you did it in the uh once you did in the la guardia airport bathroom people were like wow bro you're a little too old he's actually here in the apartment dave was like dude what are you doing he's like i didn't know that i signed up i was like i've been doing this my whole life man yeah i've been doing this since we moved in bro you just noticed dude you know humiliating that is to pull your pants down while you piss at a urinal? Like, all the way? Oh, yeah.

Just ass out, dude. And there's just, like, I want to know the logic behind this. There's no logic. You just need the dick out, right? Yeah. Unless you're just like, I want to get the farts out, too, maybe. I think it's just for the pure joy of it, man. That must be freeing.

It probably is, dude. maybe i think it's just like for like a pure joy of it man yeah that must be freeing oh it it probably is dude anytime you're walking like anytime you're not like you're usually only naked in like a bedroom or a shower so if you're naked anywhere else but that you feel so fucking free you're like it's wild man imagine if we all walked around naked dude oh that'd be crazy dude it's just hard all the time you just know everyone like everyone you are put on a social hierarchy

based on yeah your dick size yeah unfortunately that's how they like figure out who like who lives where that's it

that's why I think Jesus he probably had a small dick right you think so cause he's like we gotta clothe up like we gotta get throw some clothes on

he's getting the women to throw clothes on you think he invented the women to throw clothes i think he invented the whole idea of clothes and shit yeah i'm i have no idea i wasn't there do middle eastern people have like chodes maybe that's why yeah they could yeah maybe they do yeah yeah just like small ass little like raisinette dicks yeah so like we need to hide this shit the people in the city maybe because he came to the big city and he was like i've never seen dick this big i don't like this that would suck if you're like a grower too yeah imagine if you have like a little raisinette

flaccid but once you see a fatty dude oh it's over fucking eight inches just rock hard boom over yeah so you're fucking wait you're getting yourself hard because you're like i can't walk around i have to get hard so every morning it's part of your routine do you imagine just getting hard from yourself every day you're just by yourself hard because you're just thinking about yourself yeah that's fucking insane that would be great yeah i wish it was that easy yeah i wish it was i think that's a sexuality isn't it uh it's when you only like yourself is Is that really? Do they have that now? They added that one? I think it's called narcissism.

Oh, yeah. I thought a new sexuality dropped that I missed. I mean, there's probably one out there, dude. Oh, there's got to be a few people out there that are, you know, they're just looking at themselves. They don't, you know, like like uh what's it people mirror people mirror people the sex yeah those people they like a nice mirror edin's like chilling with someone at like a starbucks or something you're just talking about like what gets you fucking horny and you're like yeah just fat ass tits being smacked around and some dude is just like yeah just mirrors just mirrors. Yeah, just me. Yeah. I get myself so fucking horny.

I'm like, how are you not horny all the time? You're with yourself. So you would just be, you'd be fighting the urge. That's like, you're fighting the urge to get hard every second of it. Your whole life is trying not to get hard. Yeah. If you're into yourself. I mean, that's my life right now.

That's my life now. So I can't even imagine what it is for me. The amount of times I have to like stick my dick in my belly button and go get the mail dude oh yeah dude sometimes it just doesn't go away you're like get out of here like i get when you first wake up you probably were dreaming about whatever but then it's like if it's sticking around for a few minutes you're like what are you doing dude we're gonna get going we're drinking coffee you got shit to do i'm like in the car with my mom just rock hard for no reason oh dude it just dude for me it's just like not getting laid ever yeah yeah

no that'll do it that'll do it yeah you're just hard all the time just hard all that you see because you just see a woman at that point you're like oh dude yeah just imagine you just see a tit crack dude yeah fucking boom yeah because then you're getting you're getting hard off like some gross women too because they may have a tit kind of popping out she's gross but you're like damn you're only focused on like one attribute yeah yeah you don't dude you could see the tit crack and it could just be like a fucking full-grown man yeah oh for real yeah it's happened a few times, dude. Oh, yeah? I'm on the subway sometimes, dude. I'll, like, look in my peripheral, and it'll just be, like, a nice ass.

And it's, like, a legitimate grown man. It's, like, a full, like, what kind of grown man? Is this, like, a big boy? It's, like, one of those fucking, it's one of those dudes who's, like, a skateboarder dude, kind of. Okay. Like, you would see him on, a vans like magazine maybe yeah they're wearing like those tight jeans and i don't know if they're doing hip thrusts or they were just naturally born with like a neutral pelvis oh yeah but dude they just have some fucking fat cheeks

dude and they're like they have the jeans rolled up with like vans on and that first sight you're like that's a hot ass bitch dude and then you look over and some dude in like a fucking jumper jacket because they're always wearing those black jeans too which guys don't wear often so you can fool you can fool you yeah can fool you it's the peripheral thing man you're not looking wholeheartedly at them you're like trusting your yeah because you can't you can't stare yeah like you got to get good you got to teach your peripheral how not to be gay yeah pretty much man i have fucking i need to take a class or something because you're like locked on vision i know i'm not gay peripheral i that's you can't trust that part of my eye might be gay there might be

a little my vision so i haven't been to lens crafters in like 10 years dude so that vision sucks anyway dude yeah especially if i'm like cocked bro you ever been like cocked and been talking to a woman who like looks like she works at a fucking U-Haul? And you're just hitting it off with her? Or you haven't been that? I just don't know what a woman who works at U-Haul looks like. She's like a night manager at Home Depot? Okay, yeah.

I'm picturing she's got hips. Some hips on this one. No, I'm talking about like an ugly ass chick, dude. No, I am too. But one, like her solid attribute could be like hips. Hips, you think? some hips on this no i'm talking about like an ugly ass chick dude no yeah i am too but one like her her solid attribute could be like hips hips you think maybe she does legs like every day or something yeah but her face is like fucked yeah and you're talking to her and you're just it's just the end of the night dude it's like two in the morning this is back in the day dude you know

you haven't had sex in a while she's's got a good personality, too. She's talking about, like, genuine feelings and shit. And you're like, holy shit, dude, I might, you know. I might get it. I might send it. I might send it. I know. We've all been there. We've all been there.

And it's nothing wrong with it. There's really nothing wrong with it, man. You're not hurting anyone. You're not hurting anyone. They just have a place in this world that's, like, very limited. That's why they know. They know. They stick stick around they know their place dude yeah and i know my place dude yeah strictly looking for fatties dude i'm not gonna go home with some 10 you know nothing wrong no chance if i do go home with a nine dude if i go home any with anyone who's in like the six to ten range there is like a 90 chance that they have a mental disability for sure so

no i think i think trust me dude trust me this is this is proven this is this is studied that's peer-reviewed yeah i just miss fucking shooting blanks dude oh yeah you remember that part of your life oh dude yeah when early masturbation dude when you found out what it was yeah and you're just like, what is happening? Because you still kind of feel like you're coming. Yeah, but you get the feeling, but there's no mess. So it's like the best, man. So weird.

It is the best. No mess. No evidence. Because that's evidence back in the day. Yeah. It's like you don't know what to do with it. Yeah. That first time it comes out, you're like, what do I do with this?

Yeah. You don't even. Yeah, everyone has their own process, dude. I know dudes who jerk off into socks, oh yeah yeah i mean i've i've done it really yeah dude i wouldn't even be able to do that man well yeah you jerk off with like the sock over your dick no no no you gotta shoot into it dude wow yeah that would be crazy it's like a sock puppet dude dude when dude said that I thought they meant they were like putting a sock over their dick and just spanking into it. Dude, that would be nuts.

Would that hurt? That wouldn't feel good at all. That's why I was like, you're a fucking psychopath. You're a psycho. I can imagine. So you're saying, how do you shoot a rope into a sock? Dude, you just got to have some good aim, bro. It's not my typical cleanup thing but

i've been caught in a couple situations i wasn't thinking yeah like i need to get this one in quickly yeah you know what if you have like tight socks um so there's like no hole there's no hole it's like a small window that you have to aim into uh you you better you better you better aim fuck man i might try that dude because that's like a stop that's like two challenges yeah yeah it's it's good practice like if you um well i don't know what you would practice for but it's good that's good it's good to know just it's good to know you can do it you be like i can aim yeah dude you're about to you're about to bust on some face like some chick's face imagine that you're about to fucking unleash on some chick's face and you just go pull i couldn't imagine man

she's like what and then you just hit her she's right as She's like, what? And then you just hit her. She's like, wait, I don't know if I want to do this anymore because you said, Paul, it's over. Dude, right in her fucking pupils, man. She goes, where the fuck was that? Imagine, though, if she respected you, though, dude. She was like, good aim.

Good aim, oh, yeah. Dude, you'd feel like fucking King Arthur the fucking ninth, dude. Oh, my God. I'd walk down the street just grabbing titties like, I'm allowed to do this. Holy shit, man. I would feel like a king, damn, yeah. Just going out there right away, right after it, just grabbing tits, dude. Grabbing tits.

Just, wow, man. Just be like, I have good aim. Get ready, ladies. We should go. We should do that. We should go to a bar tonight. Just go up to ladies and say, I have good aim. Just let them try to infer what that means oh it'd be sick man be sweet that'd

be cool if you could just come like on site too dude yeah you think do you think people could do that probably not yeah i wonder what the some dude was like yo check out my piece and you're like ha ha ha ha and then he just shot a fucking rope i'd'd be. Dude, I would have to check into a facility. I'd have to fucking change my life, dude. Check. That would be nuts. We would have to go together, dude. I don't know what type of meeting that would be,

but if we were in a circle just sitting on metal chairs, they're like, oh oh why are you here we're like we saw a dude ejaculate on command on command just with the power of his mind yeah at a fucking arugas like come this way go down to room nine you'll see the others yeah damn dude when i used to when i used to shoot blanks dude yeah my uh my parents invested in like a legitimate computer system for like my sister and i to do school work on and this was back in the day man so this was like a big deal like they do they dropped dimes on like a dell computer system oh yeah and they put it upstairs dude and i was just non-stop spanking oh yeah dude that fucking oh those computer room spanks oh my god dude i was non-stop spanking and every month dude the computer would freeze up and you'd get a virus error and i dude i would tell my dad

and he would like freak out and then he'd be like don't worry i know a guy at work he can fix it and he would like freak out and then he'd be like don't worry i know a guy at work he can fix it so he would just bring in the computer system yeah into work and every month this guy would fix it and so he was probably just looking through the history it's just like oh he sees oh she's like big titties yeah because back then it's simple searches it's simple so it's like sex yeah just blonde blonde yeah yeah but like dude he's probably looking through this history and it's simple so it's like sex yeah just blonde yeah yeah but like dude he's probably looking through this history you know just happening every month and eventually my dad was like yeah like i don't think i can bring it back to him like he's getting pretty frustrated because he's i just kept doing it dude oh you got it dude yeah you don't care because i was

clear in the history so i was like there's no way he's going to find out. You want to know what is the guy who's fixing? It's probably like, this is your dad. Yeah. This is your dad's search history. And he's looking at it like, tits, dude. Like, you're still jerking off to just a still image of tits. It's like naked twister. How old are you?

Yeah. And your dad's thinking, like, your dad may have been copping a couple beats. Oh, yeah, dude. He was probably up in that. He was probably copping a couple beats. Oh, yeah, dude. He was probably up in that. He was probably copping a couple beats. So he's like, I'm doing this. I got to like be better. He's probably into like some weird shit too, dude.

Yeah. I mean, dude, when you're older. Just like Latin hentai porn. Is that? Do you think that's what that means? If I had to put a guess, yeah, dude. But, dude, I just miss those blanks, man. Just, dude, there's no feeling like that, man.

There's no feeling. When you first find out what spanking's like the fact that i haven't stopped since then is insane yeah have you ever thought about that yeah that's a great fucking like that's the only thing dude if you think about it genuinely wholeheartedly if someone's like what is like what have you been consistent with your whole life it's like spanking sp. Spanking. Yeah. Spanking food, eating food, and spanking. Yeah. And it's just like, I mean, that's the answer to life pretty much, dude.

Would you get one more in if you were going to die? Like if you knew you were going to die, would you? You're an old man. You're on the bed. You're like, I got days left. Would you? Oh, dude, I've had this conversation with a lot of people, man. Oh, really?

Like the hypothetical, like there's an asteroid headed towards earth you have two minutes i'm spanking outside in front of the road too yeah just out dude yeah i'll just hold up my phone just like watch porn and just like spank fully cars are going by like doing 90 because they're trying to get away they think they're gonna they to get away. They think they're going to get away from Armageddon, dude. Yeah, it's like you're being silly. I know you think I look stupid right now, but you look stupid.

Yeah. Dude, that would be sick too to like come as it's about to hit the earth. Like right before you die. Right. It's just come and then boom, done. And does that come stay around, you think? Yeah. I'm picturing it like the Death Star in Star Wars Right. It's just cum and then boom, done. And does that cum stay around, you think? Yeah, dude.

The thing destroys you. Oh, dude, that cum stays around. I'm picturing it like the Death Star in Star Wars when it just blows up. Dude, now you're getting into some deep shit, yeah. Holy shit, man. Your cum would be in there. Yeah, it's like some people think your thoughts live on forever, dude. I've heard this.

But, dude, if your cum lived on, like humanity is fucking instinct, but then like once it starts up again, there's still that cum dude Holy shit Maybe that's what happens dude Some creature just sticks it in her pussy dude Yeah Makes some sort of fucking god Yeah and then that

It depends like this time It's probably like a monkey right We come to monkeys A monkey just I think at that point It would probably be some sort of alien Could be an alien Yeah she'd just eat

Fish Yeah We return as fish people Yeah dude She thinks it's like fucking she thinks it's like uh like glaze from a donut or something yeah yeah she's like this is the last of that crispy cream that crispy cream went out of she eats something dude yeah that's nice yeah man yeah i'd probably cop a bead i think i mean i maybe try to find a woman if i could but you know two minutes though like I mean yeah you would say like consensually though you'd be like listen yeah it would be consensual

yeah my last action we might need to cut that out let's clear that up I would find a woman and be at you would consensually make love to her I would consensually make love to her I'd be like look it's over we might as well but like no i would not that would be tough like you haven't

committed a violent crime your whole life and the world's gonna end and you just yeah you just go for it nothing matters anymore man that's how i feel right now when i go to the gym i just want to walk up to like a chick and just be like listen we're both gonna die alone that's it's a good kid that's a pickup line they haven't heard they're not they're ready for the dumb like oh like let me help you lift your weight yeah you're like we're gonna die dude i'm i'm maxing out on forearm curls i just walk over while doing it yeah my fucking forearms cramping up dude i'm like listen i'm about to max out on calves after this but let's like you know what's good yeah yeah that would end terribly dude no i think it would like that's a funny joke but dude imagine that in real time oh yeah i mean imagine if you were going hard for a second that sucks man that sucks i wish you could say stuff

like that to women. You've got to be careful with them. You've got to speak in code to them. Do you know what I mean? They like code. They don't want to hear it. They're going to die alone. They want some Da Vinci code type shit, man.

Yeah, they want that like, you're the only person for me, which you would say it as like, if you don't have sex with me right now, I'm going to die alone. Yeah. But you have to rephrase it to like if you don't have sex with me right now i'm gonna die alone yeah but you have to rephrase it to like you are the only person for me they like that kind of stuff yeah they want it straight up yeah dude they don't want to like look for the answer yeah no yeah you gotta that sucks man i feel like as of recently dude i don't know if you feel this way man but when reality hits oh dude it's the fucking, no. I love to just be on my phone. Just not think.

Like, you know. I don't want to think. I just want to be told what to do. I wish. Neuralink, I'm all for it. Let's get the Neuralink in there. Shit, man. We got a different mindset.

We were just talking about open fields, dude. Now you're talking about. I'm done with open fields now. I'm done. I thought about it. Fuck, dude. I thought we had. Fuck, dude.

Sorry. Breaks my heart, man. We can go back to the field if we want i'm sorry i was just thinking man like that uh when that reality hits you know we like oh shit like this is who i am you know what i mean yeah like bro have you ever spent time like distracted focusing on something that like doesn't matter but you think something good is going to come out of it like anything besides comedy i was going to say stand-up comedy yeah but you know anything but comedy because like for you and i it's like oh we'll focus on like tits or something and you'll be oh maybe i'll fuck you'll suck on some fat tits and then reality

hits and you're like dude i just spent so much time thinking about potentially sucking tits yeah and like i should be telling fart jokes right now yeah i should be on stage telling fart jokes to just unwilling couples mentally challenged people yes yeah most likely open mic mentally challenged people yeah but no that's me every morning dude just sitting there thinking about like for way too long should i like i wish i was like sucking tits right now and then good 15 minutes in the morning try not to start the day yeah try not to jerk off start the day just bad you know that's a bad start bad start man walk your postures a little weak that day dude i used to jerk off naked in the morning when i lived in boston bro i wasn't that long ago not that long ago yeah i would just get right out of the shower dude

pop one off pop one off that's like eight in the morning dude i mean i've done it i do it from time to time yeah if that's the time you gotta do it but dude it's not preferred because you walk around. You just feel like people know. Yeah. You're just in shame all day, dude. Especially when you jerk off in the shower, dude. And all you have is your thoughts.

Oh, yeah. I don't like a shower jerk off. Oh, it's the worst, man. It's the worst. But when it happens. Like, when you bust. It's like insane. You're like trembling, dude.

It's insane. Because you worked so hard for it. Yeah, dude. You spent an hour and a half like your arm is literally falling off yeah you can't it's just not doable it was like it's a workout it's like that yeah you know you hit the sauna after a workout it's the same sort of yeah then the warm water i think it's just like the amount of work you put into it i think that's why it's so like graphic oh yeah you You just fall to your knees and cry.

It's like praying. It's like 7.30 in the morning. You're just on your knees in the shower. You're late for work. You have responsibility. You haven't even ate breakfast yet. You've gotten to the shower before you ate breakfast. Yeah, dude. The things I get distracted by, though, dude like you ever go to the gym and like have a gym crush man oh yeah definitely

yeah and like you think you have a chance but like it's not even not even in this lifetime dude oh yeah because they're always like they there's girls in the gym that you don't see anywhere else like you're like i've never seen you at a bar i've never seen a girl this good looking like out anywhere they stay inside i don't know who keeps them i don't know if there's a place for them but yeah i think they're just one of those chicks that like they gotta be like eating healthy and like staying in and like they have they have the media to rely on you know what i mean they'll put up videos of them like bending over in front of like a fucking dollar store taking care of they don't have to go outside

they don't need to go outside yeah they can just say that dude's hitting them up yeah any dude they want's hitting up they bring them over damn bro yeah bro there was like a chick she wasn't even that hot man she goes to my gym she's like six feet tall dude legit six feet tall i think her legs are bigger than mine for sure dude oh wow and for some reason i'm attracted to that dude and i just kept thinking about her every day dude because we like work out next to each other man and she would go fucking hard bro go hard like she's like dude you can see like her ass is just sweating and it's like for some reason like hard work and like and you're thinking dirty thoughts at that point not even dude i just want

to like fucking just talk to her just to see what she's like dude okay you're thinking clean and uh dude so i'm working out next to her fucking i'm doing fucking rows yeah just listening to fucking gangbang of course yeah full-on yeah not like porn gangbang you know that song gangbang oh okay it's like money hoes i wasn't sure money and hoes yeah yeah great great song great song i was thinking maybe there's just you know multiple sound gangbangs yeah that would be sick if i was listening to a legit gangbang like literally just porn imagine do you think people do that? You think people walk around just listening to porn?

For sure. I'm sure there's a few people out there. There's got to be a couple. Right? That's crazy. But dude, I'm fucking, dude. We all start doing that. I'm fucking doing the Roe machine, dude.

Yeah. Going hard, bro. She's right next to me. Working out on another machine. Dude, her water spills everywhere. And I don't notice at first. And then I start to see her go back and forth between the paper towel thing and her machine. And then I was like, oh, shit.

Like, she spilled water. Like, dude, that's a layup. Like, I could have easily. I didn't do it. But I could have easily helped her out and been like, I got you. And I didn't do it. Dude, I couldn't sleep for, like, four days. Oh, yeah.

That'll haunt you. Oh, dude. Because in a moment, you're like I didn't do it. Dude, I couldn't sleep for like four days. Oh, yeah. That'll haunt you. Oh, dude. In a moment, you're like, do I do it? It's kind of in your head, but then it's afterwards. Yeah. I'm a big hold the door for people type guy. I respect other people. Yeah.

And the fact that I didn't do that, dude, I swear to God, I couldn't sleep for like four nights, bro. Four nights. I don't know what it was, man. I think I was just nervous. Yeah. I was like what if i help her and she's like no no no no get away like that you have those thoughts in your

head but you're like that would never happen right like but there's something in you that is a possibility because you see these videos at the gym these you know like creeps yeah yeah creeps girls are like screaming at dudes i'm like i could i would not be able to i'd have to move gyms yeah i have to move towns if that happened to me especially if you look like a creep too dude dude you're fucked and sometimes i look like i hear you like throwing weird outfits on and like it's laundry day yeah dude i'm wearing a fucking triple xl izod polo dude like she's gonna be a little bit curious she's like what the fuck is this kid doing right now yeah she might be alarmed.

She might be like, did you see Rock the Polo at the gym? A lot of the time, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, look, it's a... It's a lifestyle, man. It's a lifestyle. It's a unique lifestyle. They just don't understand, bro.

They don't fucking get it. That's probably why I didn't do it, man. I was like, she just wouldn't get it. You could just be like, just listen to the pod. You'll get it. Listen to the podcast. What's that? You hear that?

Some dude's having sex, bro. Whoa. Whoa, dude. I wish we caught that online. They're probably doing a real-life gangbang. Yeah, yeah. That was intense, dude. They've probably been hearing us.

That sounded like a dude who just came in a woman. Yeah, yeah. Or an animal. Like, I don't know. I didn't know that was fucking alive. Yeah, it sounded very, like, primal. Yeah, that was aggressive, dude. It was very primal.

Making some fucking animal noises and shit, dude. Yeah, he's just screaming. Do you make a noise when you groan? No, dude, just breathing, bro. Just breathing? Yeah, I keep it inside. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like if I make a noise, it'll ruin the moment.

Yeah, definitely. I've never been a noise guy. I don't think I... Yeah. I wouldn't know what to say. I don't even know what it's like to, like... Are you a reeker? Like, what do you say? I don't even know what it's like to... Are you Rika? Like, what do you say?

I don't even know what it's like to have sex anymore, bro. Dude, yeah. It's tough. I'm fine with it, man. I'm fine with spanking. Yeah, spanking's fun, dude. It's fun. It's quick.

It's clean. It's healthy. Yeah. You know? It's plus, dude. You know what, man? Like, maybe I'll find the right woman, you know? That could be fun.

Yeah, it could be really cool, man. We're getting to that age where you find the right... It's like, you know what, man gonna have you're either gonna find the love of your life or you're just gonna be alone for a really long time yeah yeah i'm leaning towards the ladder dude could be a long one but you know there's also the in-between of finding a woman who's meh you know you can put up with her you're no deep down your heart it's not to love my life but this is all I got. So I'm going to start throwing that word around, love my life.

I mean, I don't know about you, dude. I'm happy, like, being alone. Oh, I enjoy being alone. For sure, man. Yeah. Yeah. It offends chicks, though. Oh, it does.

It throws on because they're like, what is he doing in his downtime? And I'm like, nothing. Just not speaking. Yeah. Like, not speaking. Dude, have you ever said the phrase, I'm like nothing just not speaking like not speaking dude have you ever said the the phrase uh I'm not looking for anything serious yeah it's a tough that'll make a chick start a forest hire dude oh yeah dude chill fucking I don't get what's so wrong about saying that though you're just being honest yeah you're like because it's like how can I say

I'm looking like you can't just be like I'm looking for something serious with a girl you don't even know her yet. You don't know if you're looking for something serious with this. Yeah, they automatically assume, like, you're using them already, and it's like. I'm like, it could be serious if we get to know each other. But I'm not going to just be like, I'm looking for something serious. Yeah, it sucks, man, because, like, I don't think you're going to find a chick online where it's like. I mean, maybe, dude, where you're just like,'re just like yeah i just want to like slap around some tits i know like you can't like text a girl that look it's not gonna be the good lookers that you could

probably find a few tinder girls that yeah they're ready for it yeah they're ready for it but it's like you're not gonna walk away happy it sucks man because like when you talk to like the real life whores you're like this is sick man oh yeah like you can just like you know just bang and like move on with your life but then once you start to like catch feelings you're like oh shit like this chick wants nothing to do with me it can be tough yeah i've been there a few times and then if you thought you knew and you're like ah and then if you find a chick who like wants something serious you're like oh i just want to to slab around some tits. Yeah, give me that horse.

You're just contradicting yourself constantly, dude. Yeah, I've been there. And then, dude, the end of the road, man, it's just spanking. Yeah, it's just you. It's like, I'm not going to harm anyone. I'm just going to stick to this. Starting how you, ending how you started. Yeah, and it never gets old, man.

It's never like, oh, dude. No. It's always like, dude, it's time. It's always, it's like, at best, like, dude. No. It's always like, dude, it's time. It's always. It's like at best like you've done it too many days in a row and you're like, maybe I need a day off to make it better. But that still was good. Yeah. That was still a good time. It's dude spankings like that Friday night lights game.

Like you've been waiting all week for it. Oh, yeah. And you're like, you're finally like, dude, it's here. Oh, yeah. The lights come on. Yeah. You feel that energy in the air. You're like, yeah, you're coming home.

You're skipping home. You're on the train. There's a warm up to dude. Oh, yeah. come on. Yeah. You feel that energy in the air. You're like, you're coming home. You're skipping home. You're on the train. This is a warm-up too, dude. Oh, yeah. It's fucking sick, dude. Yeah, you're on the train. You're having a, you're giddy. Yeah.

That's the only time I would use the word giddy is you're like, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to masturbate. Yeah, I feel like there's not even an adjective to describe it. Yeah. That's what it's like. Yeah, it is pure. Words can't do it justice, dude. No, no.

All the dudes know what the feeling is. The boys, dude. The boys. Yeah. The guys what it's like. Yeah, it is pure. Words can't do it justice, dude. No, no. All the dudes know what the feeling is. The boys, dude. The boys. The guys. The dogs. The dogs, dude. I'm proud of my dogs, dude. All right, dude.

Well, brother. Thank you. It was a pleasure, man. This was great. This was awesome. Yeah, dude. This was fun, man. I feel like we covered a lot, dude.

This is a good way to start. This is a good way to start the day, man. Versus like spanking. We're going to tear this day up. We're going to fucking crush it, man. Yeah, this is going to be a crazy day. Fuck yeah, dude. Do you have anything you start the day, man, versus like spanking. We're going to tear this day up. We're going to fucking crush it, man. Yeah, this is going to be a crazy day. Fuck yeah, dude. Do you have anything you want to say, man, like your feeds or whatever?

That's usually what we do at the end. Like what do I got going on? Yeah, I mean, where people can follow you, dude, anything. You can say whatever you want, man. You know, no, I got nothing. Just look for me out there. If you see me me maybe pay attention just be like dude

you were on the salami pot the salami pot I'd say that say that you were talking about spanking on the salami dude that'd be sick that'd be sweet

I'd be like then I can get your thoughts on it I can broaden my horizons on the spank I just want to find the spank community who's passionate you just want to be known dude

just want to be known in the spank community hell yeah dude so if you're out there alright godspeed brother thank you godspeed