The Johnny Salami Podcast - Zach Vandegrift

Episode Date: July 30, 2024

Zach Vandegrift by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. What am I thinking of? I thought the CEO killed himself. Wasn't that like Boeing or something?

No, well, probably. You know that story? Like, were they just killing people for like a whistle blowing or whatever i heard yeah which is here's what i don't understand about uh the law and just like the way society works i get that you need evidence beyond a reasonable doubt to put somebody away but when you're like i think this person's shady and then the person that said that dies the next day yeah by like being decapitated do we need more evidence than that yeah what uh i didn't really follow the story i just heard like i didn't either yeah i just assumed somebody was i just saw the jokes online i was like you know but like our guess is probably what happened like someone yeah blew the whistle there was like an orgy or something someone said something and then

next thing you know like your house blows up i think it was uh well the they had several planes crashed within a few weeks span yeah Yeah. And then someone was like, yeah, we're not really taking care of this in the engineering department. Yeah. I think we're just like cutting costs maybe, which again seems stupid because it's like, surely it's more expensive to lose an airplane than it is to invest in better

machinery. Yeah. That's kind of funny though. They're just like, you know what? Fuck it. We'll just, just send it. Yeah. That's kind of funny, though. They're just like, you know what? Fuck it. We'll just send it. Yeah.

You know? But, yeah, dude, airlines are fucking scary, man. Really? Do you have a fear of flying? I think just, like, airline companies and, like, defense companies in general. Sure. Like, Lockheed Martin and shit. Like, if you say anything bad about them, it's like.

What company are they? They're, like, defense companies. Like, for the military? Yeah. Okay. Because, like, when I'm, like, retarded, they're like defense companies like for the military yeah okay because like when i'm i'm like retarded obviously like you already know that but when i was in college dude i it was like um like a financial analyst yeah i did like an internship and my whole sector was like the defense sector okay so like lockheed martin was one of the companies we like invested in dude and i was just like reading these articles on them yeah and i

would just get i would like shit my pants dude you know what i mean because they're just like such a scary company like if you just even if you just google them like the contract comes up is like killed yeah just like three dead lesbians you know you're like holy shit at least they have a mission statement of no lesbians they're're like, if you talk shit, we'll fucking kill your whole family. Yeah. You know. But, dude, even if you just, like, Google them, like. Pretty good advertisement for defense, though.

Yeah. Of, like, we're keeping this locked away. For sure, yeah. So. Yeah. No, dude. I would, like, any article you Google will just show, like, a contract that they signed. Mm-hmm. like uh any article you google just show like a contract that they signed and it's just like

lockheed martin signs like seven billion dollar contract you know you're just like what the fuck and three dead lesbians but just like the money they have you're like wow dude it's like monopoly money you're just like that's fucking crazy dude yeah that's um uh an amount of money where it's like, I feel like they have an idea of whatever we want to do will cost this much. Yeah. But if we just say it's $82 million more, who's going to fact check that? So you might as well just round up to the nearest billion. Yeah. And then just give bonuses.

well just round up to the nearest billion yeah and then just give bonuses well it's crazy because it's like when you see that money as like a young like a young adult you're like oh they have like this is a contract so like there's an exchange with actual money so you're thinking oh like they're getting a wire transfer of seven billion dollars sure but the reality of it is like that money isn't even there you know what i mean it's just fucking it's like credit it's like an imaginary number okay you know i don't but like most of the contracts they sign it's like all right this contract's for so and so but it's not like they have that money okay at that point in time they're like they're like in the future they you know they're sure all right at year five like we'll have blown up at least six villages yeah you know like we'll be we'll be numbers yeah we'll be

drilling for five years we'll have that at the end of five years probably not but yeah you know that's the funny part is it like if we accomplish this you'll give us this money or? I mean, I heard people like big companies, they kind of just like wipe their ass with contracts. Oh, wow. Yeah. I think that's where like politics come into play, dude, because they're just like, yeah, you owe us money. You never paid us. That makes sense.

So we're either going to fucking kill you or like you do this for us. Well, that's what's always confused me about like America being the the powerhouse but we're in 14 trillion in debt yeah um it's just like a number that can't be good yeah you know i don't know man i feel i don't know i've heard different things like i've heard words always be in debt yeah you know it's like fuck it like you know i just wonder what comes with that like how much blackmail comes with that. But, dude, if you saw something crazy, like if you saw Lockheed Martin's CEO getting a blumpkin at a bar or something, and you were just trying to take a shit, and you saw the whole thing. Would you whistleblow? Would you be like, yo, I saw this dude. Well, the issue is I feel like only he would be the guy that could do anything about you not saying.

Like if you say I saw the CEO get a blumpkin to the newspapers, I don't think they would care. If you say I saw the CEO get a Blumpkin to the newspapers, I don't think they would care. But if you tell him I'm going to tell TikTok that, that is like more. Like I think it would be worse for him in the face of the company if it's like they're doing this messed up stuff. But if it's sexual stuff, that's more like, hey, pay me and I won't tell people about this. Yeah. That's a good idea. I think I would hit up like TMZ or something. Well, I think that's what Epstein did for the most part.

Really? I think so. I think that that's why he killed himself is that powerful people wanted him dead because he had too many secrets about powerful people. Yeah. So. So you might just like hold on to it. The secret? Yeah.

No, I can't keep a secret but i would definitely blackmail and extort um in the hopes that you have to that takes so much time though you know but i think that that sounds more intriguing than just going into the office and crunching numbers like i would rather have that be my job yeah like your life on the line yes yeah that's exciting dude it's like the movies though dude like yeah all like that's a common theme in movies like someone whistle blows next thing you know like there's always kind of like a warning shot yeah like someone will be on a walk in like a park and like a fucking ice cream truck will blow up like 10 feet from them and they're like holy shit it is always like look

what we can do to innocent civilians yeah which i guess you know is sending a message but you'd think it would be more let's go after his family not just this random yeah ice cream cart guy yeah that's true now it's just like these children are traumatized even more than the guy who we were trying to spook yeah i wonder how they go into planning that they're like how should we hit this guy you know because they probably know so much shit about you that like you don't even know sure you know well it's weird to think that there's um there are jobs like that where the prerequisite is being evil yeah because it's like i don't understand how you go from um i work for this company and i oversee assets to how should we torture this guy that seems like a

i guess lateral move yeah so you think that you just bring in a guy that's like why i tortured people at this last company he's like a specialist yeah but we could do ice cream but it's a bit redundant nowadays so um yeah dude maybe like a consultant they got to be like they can't be in like internal they got to be like consultants you know sure yeah i i feel like i mean i guess you could be internal and that's, you know, your position. But it does seem kind of like you're not doing a lot in between hits. Yeah. You just come in. Yeah.

Once every two years or so. Right. You know. Yeah. And the movies like they always just get fucked, too. If you go to court, they're like, listen, dude you you don't stand a chance yeah it is you know that that brings back to the whole boeing thing of like there's uh it's like why even let it out if you know like you're gonna lose yeah it really does seem incentivizing for bad people to get away with bad things because they're

like well i won't get caught and if i do i'll just keep paying until this person's broke and then i'll just win yeah even like with insider trading dude like i've literally heard like fucking ceos just basically admit to insider trading not like literally but they're like yeah you know like i got friends like well i don't understand what insider trading is because i feel like there are people that um like if your friend gives you a stock tip yeah i feel like that could be classified as insider trading but it could also just be a friend giving a tip of i feel like the market does this yeah i mean they know like what's gonna happen though like when trump got shot or something like someone shorted you know stock really so that would have been like is that true it's like how

do you yeah oh wow how do you like prove are you a big conspiracy theory guy no but i think it's hilarious yeah i love like i don't even read up on it but like if someone has a good story i'm like all right let's fucking let's i love that yeah Yeah. Here's the thing that annoys me, though, is that it's, you know, a lot of the times they are fake, but the few times that they are real. Yeah. It's a very, like, conservative ideology to be really in the conspiracy theories. And so liberal people will be like, oh, this guy's crazy. He's just doing whatever. And then whenever they're right, liberal people are just like, well, he got lucky.

Yeah. It's scary to believe everything. Yes. But it well he got lucky yeah it's scary to believe everything yes but it's also scary to believe nothing to believe yeah exactly it's a good quote but um yeah so like when people were like like when trump got shot people within seconds were like fake news yeah and like if you're gonna post that dude like you gotta deal with the consequences you know what i mean yeah so like i saw like a bunch of comics just put like fake news and next thing you know like fuck some dude like died protecting his family yeah got his fucking head blown off and it's like that's why you don't you know jump to conclusions that's why you don't jump to conclusions also if it was flipped and biden

got shot and a republican was saying fake news, you'd be roasting him. Yeah. Yeah. It's wild, man. I like to just like wait it out. And then conspiracy theories usually come out like later on. Yeah. Like after years. Sure. That is true.

People will write like books about it and shit. Right. You know. Yeah. Because I feel like there's a certain degree of if you do it when it's hot, you have a good chance of dying. But if you do it after it cools off, it's like, oh, oh this is cool and people like the thing that i do like about villainous people is i think that they do recognize how fascinating it is yeah and they're like oh we'll

let you play this out and maybe feed into it as well yeah like they they plan it out and they know it's going to take a long time for anyone to figure anything out so it's like fuck it you know what i mean and even if they figure it out they're like we're still not gonna get in trouble so even with like covet dude like people have like autism now and shit i'm like fuck bro there's a big spike dude and with blood like dude fucking football players are getting like blood clots now and shit oh really yeah what the fuck oh that's scary like you don't just get blood clots now and shit. Oh, really? Yeah, what the fuck, dude? Oh, that's scary. Like, you don't just get blood clots, you know what I mean? Like, so that's kind of scary, dude.

Like, a few years later, it's like, holy fuck. Yeah. You know, maybe I shouldn't have, you know. Stuck in that. Yeah. Stuck that in me. But who knows, man? It's so fucking, it's more interesting than just being like, yeah, I believe what this

fucking dipshit says, you know what I mean? Mm-hmm. But even, like, I'll, like like go through phases where i'll like read books and it's like all right dude you know i usually put the book down like halfway through i'm like all right i'm good with this you know of any book or conspiracy theory uh just like any book but some of them are like conspiracy theories what's your favorite book my favorite book maybe like you showed me as a harry potter guy and i'm basing it off of very little i stopped harry potter after like the goblet of fire okay you know because i remember going to see harry

potter in the movies with my friend's family and i was just fully wrecked just his family yeah the friend wasn't it yeah you were fully erect at what uh Hermione, dude. Oh, really? Yeah. I think I was like 13, 14 maybe. Just seeing her cast spells and shit, dude. I was like rock hard for some reason. Like a woman in power. Yeah. I had really bad OCD growing up too. Sure.

So my friend's family was like really into Harry Potter. Okay. And dude, they made us all like custom wands in the garage. They had a wood burner. Oh, wow. They would carve our names into it.ands in the garage. They had a wood burner. Oh, wow. They would carve our names into it. That's pretty cool. With the Harry Potter symbol.

So I went through a phase, dude, where I was just cast and spell on fucking pussy, dude. Was it working? No, but in my head it was. Like in my head I was like, oh, dude, you just saved like so many people. You know what I mean? I think you're saying you're casting it on pussy yeah but that was saving people as well yeah like a lot of it my ocd had to do with like death so it's like oh if i don't cast this oh wow like this this was put like this woman will die or like this person well that

if she had known what you were doing you probably would have gotten the pussy you think so well she was like you just saved my life because you cast the spell. Yeah, at 14, maybe like a hand. Yeah, probably. Maybe like a hand job or something. Yeah, I think that, I think the issue with the wizarding world

and like just Harry Potter and everything, there are so many plot holes that i couldn't get behind even when i was young first being why he has glasses if they can fix any problem yeah you think they would have given him contacts or like well just surely there's a 2020 spell yeah because i've seen him when he loses his glasses and he's a nightmare. He's not who you want fighting on your behalf. They didn't disclose that at all, why he had glasses? No.

Yeah. I think he has contacts in person, too. Probably. Yeah. What's that guy's name again? Daniel Radcliffe. Daniel Radcliffe. Short.

Yeah, he's definitely got LASIK in real life, for sure. I mean, you got all that money, dude. And then he has, like, fake glasses in the movies for sure. I mean, you got all that money. And then he has like fake glasses in the movies. Yeah. But Hermione never did anything for me. She was, she looked kind of raggedy to me. I felt like her hair was always dirty. Like today or you meant like back in?

Back then. Really? Yeah. Wow. And you're like my age too, right? Yeah. Yeah. Wow, man. Well, I'm just, I was such like a Disney Channel, like Selena Gomez, Miley Cyrus.

That was my luck. So that was your standard. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I guess Hermione was not bad in the context of Hogwarts, which I don't know if that's saying a lot. I think it just like, dude, when you combine wizardry with like pussy, dude, it just rock hard you know what i mean for me at least it's great like witchery always got me going dude i don't know what it was even when i would watch hocus pocus like a lot of those women

looked like fucking witches bed bath and beyond managers but dude i was fucking cranking it to those chicks bro really for some reason i don't know what it was yeah i feel like they had boils yeah they had like fucking like warts the size of like a dick on their forehead but i was like this is what it's about you know but if the magic element was gone they would be disgusting yeah okay for sure yeah that's interesting yeah you have to combine do you like magic i love magic i never really got into it but there's something about a woman you know like if today if a woman was accused of being a witch i would be like i'm gonna get with this chick you know before they crucify or whatever you know what i'm saying i mean that's a pretty good um

way i'm not condoning this but if you wanted to get with a woman in those times, you could just be like, well, get with me or I'm calling you a witch. Yeah. Or you could pull like a porn acting scheme where you're like, if you don't fuck me, my dick is going to turn into a fucking goblin. You know what I mean? Take over the city. I mean, yeah, I think that would probably work like you ever see those pornos where it's like stepsis and it's like step bro and the step rose like you know this is my last day on earth i actually i never watched the plot um but i'm sure you're missing out brother that's

what you want a lot of i think that's the whole point oh wow yeah i mean yeah i guess they wouldn't be doing it if there wasn't a market for it for sure yeah i've come to like just plots before really yeah you gotta try you can't knock it till you try it man yeah well i just i feel like my um my erection always feels so ephemeral of like I could lose it at any moment. And so I'm just – I'm focusing on the – not cinematic, but like the most intense aspect of it. So you're fast forward and right to the climax? Yeah. Not to the – but like basically to the part that gets good before the climax. Yeah, that's tough, man. To me, that's like fast forward and like to the climax yeah we're not to the but like basically to the part that

gets good before the climax yeah that's tough man to me that's like fast forward and like an action movie like die hard you're just right it's like dude like this action means nothing if you're not seeing what he's doing it yeah i don't know what's happening to me man but i mean i think that's good i think that's healthier than just maybe i mean i think it's unhealthy regardless you know what i mean but i don't know man like back in the day like a few years ago dude if i saw a pair of fucking cannons like revolutionary war type cannons i'd be like this is it man like i'm blowing smoke you know but nowadays like you would watch revolutionary war porn no no i'm talking about titties like oh okay like cannons that's what i thought at first yeah i was talking about cannons you know sorry dude my bad i'm autistic yeah i told you i'm a

wizard bro you know but yeah man nowadays like if i now that's enough you need to know her story yeah if i see a pair of cannons nowadays i'm just like oh that's cool but it's not really getting me to where i need to be you know sure for some reason nowadays like what turns me on is just like chivalry dude really yeah like if a woman holds a door for me dude i'm i'm like i gotta find a bathroom oh wow i thought you were saying you being chivalrous gets you off no that's too selfish man yeah just knowing that it still exists. Okay. You know. I don't know if that did exist where women were holding doors for men, though. Because I feel like chivalry, by definition, is men doing things for women. Really?

I think so. I didn't even know that, dude. I don't either. But that's. I personally have never experienced chivalry on the girl's end. And I would love to be chivalrized, to be honest. Yeah, dude, it rocks your world, man. Oh, I think that that would definitely make me feel good.

Because whenever I, I'm trying to think of a good example. Whenever somebody just does, like, let's say, and this is not to blow my own ego, but like if I hold the door open for someone and then they're like genuinely touched and they're like, thank you. Yeah. That touches me. For sure. Yeah. And it doesn't get me off, but it definitely makes me feel like there's good in this world. Yeah, dude.

Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. Because like if I held the door for a woman yeah and she was like chivalry isn't dead baby and then like showed me her tits i would be like all right that's pretty sick well that's nice yeah that's a good transaction of that sure yeah you know because like it's like a reward type thing you're like wow this pays off what would you do if you held the door

open for her and then she showed you her tits would you say not here to like make the chivalry go even further or would you just give it a squeeze and say thank you and take off yeah i mean if it was if it was in public at like a home depot or something yeah i would be like i like how you put the t on yeah yeah i mean if she showed me her tits as we were leaving sure i'd probably take a glance and be like fuck yeah dude i'd probably say fuck yeah dude and see how she responded yeah you know what i mean just to see like where things what if it's a pawn coming in so i'm turning around it's she's kind of like a greeter yeah like you're just walking in i would be like do you want to get out of here like oh wow yeah because that's like i don't

make more sense to do it after you did your shopping though yeah because then i feel like she's been watching me in there she knows like she knows what i'm looking for because yeah she's flashing her tits to you yeah empty-handed she's kind of a psycho but if she's doing it after you have like lumber and screws and you know like manly things that's she she's like attracted to your providing nature i'm gonna be honest man like flashing tits is uh it's hard to deal with it's something where like you think about it the time, and then when it actually happens, you kind of just black out, dude. I don't know if I've ever seen somebody flash their tits. Yeah, it's crazy, man.

Where have you seen that? Do you drive at all? Yeah, not here, but. Yeah, but you've driven before. Imagine being in a four-way. A chick pulls up next to you and just straight face shows you the cannons like what do you what do you even do you know well it depends how good they are i think that if they are because i'm not a all tits are created equal kind of guy if they look disgusting i'll probably show that in my face yeah you'd shove them in your face show that in my face. You'd shove them in your face? Show that in my face.

The disgust. I think you mean you'd shove them in your face. Like in the middle of the four-way. I'll show you gross tits. If they're really nice, I'd probably... I think I'd say thank you. Yeah. And I would be very compelled to know her story.

Yeah. I think I'd fucking peel out, dude. To rub one out or? Peel out. Like you drive away to jerk off, I'm saying? No, no, no. Peeling out is when you fucking like blow a donut. In a car.

Right. So you would just do a lap on a freeway? I'd do like a few laps. That would be crazy to literally hit like six cars. It's like he wasn't drunk. He just saw a nice pair of tats. Well, peeling outs when like you're stationary, dude, and you put one foot on the gas. Oh, so it's like a 360 in place yeah i mean i'd probably hear like scraping her car

i'd yeah i would just put my foot on the gas and brakes at the same time and probably play a good song and just see what happens yeah i like that you know play like wind of change have you been what's wind of change it's by the scorpions okay it's a pretty majestic song so i don't even know who the scorpions are you play it you don't know like you ever heard a rock you like a hurricane maybe it's pretty fucking sick so have you been flash before yeah man i was at a lake i was at this lake uh it's called saco well it's a river saco river goes through like maine and new hampshire i think okay and yeah like in the summer man i got invited to some like Project Edge rager there. People would go and like,

you just kind of get hammered on the river and stuff. But this group of friends I was with, they just kind of like rented out like an island. And these shit, like we were at a fire and I remember talking to this guy and we were just having like a heart to heart, like an emotional conversation, dude. And this woman just walks up to us, straight face,

shows us her tits and walks away. There was no dialogue or anything, man. That's pretty awesome. Yeah, I think I lost like five years of my life, dude. But like, you know, I had been prepping for that moment for so long. And like guys talk about that all the time. They're like, oh, my God, dude, if some chick just showed me your tits, bro. Oh, you're saying it wasn't as good as you thought it would be?

I just didn't prepare for that, you know, because like if a woman shows you her tits i feel like she's blatantly telling you like hey like let's let's do something about this i mean yeah and i'm having a heart-to-heart with another dude you know that's tough it's hard to leave that yeah i'm gonna go hang out with this well it's not only hard to leave that it's especially tough when she's showing it to both of you yeah so you're like i'm gonna take this yeah but he might equally want to take it yeah i mean i'm a pussy dude so i'd probably be like yeah it's all you man really yeah when'd you lose your virginity in high school okay yeah i was a junior junior in high school that's good yeah. Yeah. Were you dating? No.

Wow. No, it felt more like a make-a-wish. Really? Yeah. Was she hot? She was all right, you know. It wasn't special, man. It wasn't like a special...

Did she go to your school? She did, yeah. Okay, wow. Yeah, how about you? I lost it to this girl who I was dating who was a year older than me, but she lived in another state. Wow. So you traveled for it? She traveled to me for it, which was kind of cool.

Did you have like a setup going? More or less, yeah. My dad had like a dock and there was like a chair lounge area. I had that, blankets, Jack Johnson playing. Ran upstairs to get condoms, ran back down and made it through a song wow and then i was a man fucking majestic it was pretty cool yeah that's way more emotional i was at a party dude and everyone was like yeah john's never had sex before and then some whore just came out of the woodworks and she was like come upstairs with me and i just fucking basically just blasted a load in her no condom dude and then they fell asleep and we aborted it she uh yeah bro she had to drop out of high school

yeah next morning dude i remember being like dude i like blew a fucking heater in this chick with no remorse whatsoever like so i'm like talking to my boys i'm like yeah you know what do i do and like they asked her if she was on birth control and she said yeah i've been on it for a day so i was like oh that feels like not enough it's definitely not enough so yeah she had to get the uh the plan b and stuff i've been on it for a day but's great But I was like that was with the football team So like I would have to go to practice the next day And be like holy shit dude am I gonna have a child With a whore

Would you? If she said she's keeping it No I think I mean she could have it and stuff But at the end of the day man I would take that thing For a long drive out into the wilderness Just tell it to run dude Just be like fucking that would be sick though if i did that dude and he survived that would be cool he just even though

he wouldn't know english yeah he'd just be like a wolf he just like met like an unknown tribe and yeah you know that would be cool if he remembered you and had like a vendetta yeah and killed you because of this podcast that was how he was able to locate you yeah i mean if that i think i would have a different life though i'd probably be working on like auto zone or something and he would probably plan ahead you know to find out what i was doing yeah and then you know he'd find out i was working at auto zone and be like all right maybe maybe i've already like he's already been hurt enough yeah maybe life didn't turn out how you thought it would be in a single make up yeah that's kind of kind of a beautiful story yeah that's not bad that's a plot i would watch in a porno yeah i don't know who's fucking at

that point i mean that would be a good gay porno yeah that would actually be that'd be pretty like taboo yeah what yeah that would be wild dude that'd be crazy man but yeah dude i don't know man like um i got my first blow job from a uh truth or dare um wow i don't know if no it wasn't truth or dare but it was it was equally as frivolous if you will like um it was uh like what are the odds like blowjob was on the table and there were three guys there and it was basically whoever this lands on is getting a blowjob wow and it landed on me dude that's fucking sick it was awesome what was the chick like was awesome what was the chick like um what what age was this i was in eighth grade i was um which was crazy you got a blow job before you lost your virginity yes wow which i think is pretty legend dude normal yeah i mean eighth grade dude that's gotta be wild it was what way it was

it was the first day of summer of eighth grade so technically i just graduated it always happens in the summer dude always happens in the summer it was pretty huge i felt like i was ready for high school after that moment and um i uh yeah it was i didn't even know her that well that was probably the craziest thing but you're just so in it of like i'll do anything yeah and uh i remember my dad called me midway and maybe i answered i don't even while getting a blow job i think so just because i was like i know i'm gonna be able to finish this but this might be important as well wow and kind of like a power move i'm like i gotta take this wow you're a legend dude it was not out of confidence that takes an eighth grade dude well i think i had more confidence in eighth grade than i do now

at least with erections yeah for sure and just like being able to do stuff in the moment for sure yeah now if i think it's more like i can't get an erection within 48 hours of my dad calling me yeah that's gonna be tough yeah yeah man truth or dare used to be the thing that was huge yeah uh and both were big too like everyone acts like dare is like the big like they might do this thing but truth is like i'll take a secret over an action any day i think when when i played truth or dare, every single time it was just a dare. Oh, okay. We would play in the upstairs at my house, dude.

And, like, I remember one time we dared my Guatemalan friend to stick his dick in this vase. And, dude, he literally, like like had sex with this vase and like jerked off in it dude dude it was my grandmother's vase was that part of the dare or he took it the extra mile no dude it was just like a vase and like it meant a lot to my mom because it was her mother's and like were her ashes in it no it was just it was just a vase it was just like an antique vase and it dude it meant the world to my mom like anytime the dogs would hit the vase she'd like start crying and stuff and my guatemalan friend ended up jerking off into it dude like he literally like fucked it wow and my sister and i my sister and i didn't know the like how much it meant to my mom until after the fact so there's just like cum in the

vase and like she was like looking for it she's like where's my vase and i was just like you know so yeah we did some fucked up shit man wow yeah but again no one told him to fuck it that was the dare the dare was to fuck it the dare was like hey man put like stick your dick in this vase yeah and he ended up just having like intimate. Full blown. Yeah. Usually I guess. Dim lights.

Yeah. I don't know if you're trying to show off or something. Sure. Yeah. I had. Listen, I don't know if we're losing the viewers with the vulgarity, but I I used to not used to when I lived at home. used to not used to when i lived at home um i mean when i was in like ninth grade honestly one time i was jerking off i heard my mom coming downstairs yeah but i like i don't know what happened first but essentially i came and then i hear her coming downstairs i need to run to the

bathroom which is outside of my room and like adjacent. Yeah. And in doing so, my penis hit the, the knob of the handle and I'm in there cleaning myself up. And my mom is like, are you sick? There's snot on this door. I don't know if she touched it. I don't know if she tasted it.

I don't know if she verified that it wasn't snot, but that was, that was a moment where you have to start acting like yeah just give me a minute yeah and we never talked about it so it's probably for the best man i think so yeah uh especially because even if i'm because the first thing that comes to mind if i say that's jizz, she thinks I'm fucking handles. You think you would have stopped if she came in the room when you were, like, about to come? Yeah.

Because, like, for me, dude, if I'm about to, like, blow a load, like, nothing's stopping me, dude. Really? You could fly a fucking Southwest Airlines plane into my house, dude. I'm not stopping. I think there's just a certain point where it's like you can't turn back now i agree with that yeah i think that um that's a good point no i i do think that i would if i'm at that point where it's like it's like here is the tip of my penis and i feel that the semen is here yeah i'd probably let it fly but if

i am at a point where it's like i know i'm going to come soon but i also know my mom was about to catch me i'd probably yeah clean it up but my mom has caught me masturbating before which was pretty humiliating you locked eyes i didn't lock eyes i was uh i was on an inflatable ball um and like a medicine like a exercise ball kind of yeah i had won it at a Six Flags three-point competition. So I was pretty wet with three-pointers. And I brought it home. My computer was about to die, so I put it on the floor to charge.

I was like, let me get on this ball for comfort because I don't want to watch porn on the floor. And then so now I'm humping the ball. My mom comes in, but she has laundry with her she's putting away my clothes and i'm like i'm so paralyzed i can't stop the video yeah so she's just putting clothes away behind me as i was i'm mid hump i'm not humping anymore but i'm on top of the ball and the way that she realizes it is that there's like several moans that take place and you were you were humping the ball i was humping the ball then she walks in i'm frozen wow but i don't pause the video so she's

putting away my clothes and then they're like several moans that take place yeah she drops the laundry turns around sees the screen then goes upstairs holy shit yeah dude back in the day man like jerking off was, I mean, it sucks, man. Cause like I get really depressed sometimes because I think about like people who are successful and I'm like, dude, they're always like super consistent. And like, dude, the only thing I've ever been consistent with is jerking off. And I'm not trying to be funny, dude. Like that's for, you know, like I've never, never i've never like there's never been a day where i'm like you know what man let's put this off when it comes to jerking off yeah every day

i'm like let's get it well i've thought about that before of like i'm not a particularly uh good employee but it's also because every job requires me to do things that i don't really want to do yeah so like if someone was like hey i need you to travel around europe and jerk off every day yeah i'd be like i think i could do that like i think i'd be a pretty top five top five at least in the company but if they're like i need you to take care of these spreadsheets yeah that's not that interesting it's like yeah how do we make jerking off like you know a profession and i think that they in a sense they have like if you're a girl and you're jerking off you can very easily monetize that well it would be sick if there was like a super intelligent individual

who is also really immature and he just like invented a car that runs on cum and like your job was to just jerk off that's not bad and you know provide the fuel for these for these cars man that's really not bad yeah i mean well you could make money by being a sperm donor but i don't know it's not the same though just to know that you're fueling a car yeah that's not only fuel efficient but you get to jerk off all the time it's like what more could you ask for yeah but one you'd get paid yeah and two you'd be spawning life which i don't know i mean you'd have so much passion dude you know of the car thing yeah yeah like that would be pretty locked in yeah you know it's like how do we make what we're passionate about into like a you know i mean it'd be good for the environment, too.

That's for sure. Yeah. I don't understand why they can't like we can fucking fly to Mars. We can't make a car that runs on cum. What the fuck? What the fuck is this shit, man? You know? Yeah.

I mean, I think that because like, dude, remember making a good point. Yeah. Even when you do like, do you think about when you first found out about jerking off? Yeah. It's all you were doing when you first found out about jerking off? Yeah. That's all you were doing. Well, I remember the first time I found out about jerking off, it was my sister's friend that asked me if I was masturbating. I didn't know what that meant. But I think I said yes.

Yeah. And then I remember a couple weeks later, my sister said, you have to start doing that because I was going into middle school. Yeah. Later, my sister said, you have to start doing that because I was going into middle school. Yeah. And then I looked up a picture of Carmen Electra and then I I like moved my penis like this for several minutes and just kind of hurt it and assume that was, you know, what jerking off was. And then I told her about it and then she said that's not it and then we watched what masturbating was and it was a german guy jerking off wow that must have been electric dude well it was interesting because i was like i don't like this yeah but this does make more sense as to what jerking off is for sure um it's crazy how young

like you figure that stuff out too. Yeah. You know, I remember showing my Guatemalan friend how to jerk off with a stick I found on the road. Look at what that did for you. I know, dude,

I fucking changed his life, dude. And he changed your mom's. I know, dude, but I just, dude, I remember like being in the most professional situations you could imagine

and just being like, yeah, I'm going to jerk off. Wow. I remember helping my uncle fucking winterize his camper. Yeah. And you know, right in the middle of it,

just being like, yeah, man, I'm going to go take a shit. Just jerked off in his bathroom, dude. I did. Nothing happened.

I went to my great grandma's funeral and we were at her house and I don't know if we were cleaning the house out or just saying our goodbyes but i went and jerked off in the bathroom oh my god yeah i mean i was in seventh grade it was like the height of yeah needing to jerk off you feel guilty at all you're not really yeah because i didn't know her well and again i'm not like 20 at the time of doing that that's the crazy thing too dude when someone away, you're still doing it. Yeah. You know?

It had very little effect. It's crazy, bro. Honestly. I wonder if, like, the Greek gods and shit would jerk off. Sure. Really? Well, I know they were having sex with little boys. Yeah.

Well, I don't know about the gods, but the Greek men. Yeah, for sure. Maybe that's because they didn't know what jerking off was, though. Yeah, that's possible. You know? Maybe that could have changed man. Yeah, for sure. Maybe that's because they didn't know what jerking off was though. Yeah, that's possible. You know, maybe that could have changed history. Yeah.

Cause I don't really like know if anything's documented about them masturbating. That is a good point. I, well, you'd think that masturbating would be such a big thing back in the day because birth control wasn't. I think about it.

Cause they were, I don't even know. Cause like the Greek gods, like I don't even know when Christianity, they used to kill Christians, right? They were just like, you know. Maybe. Yeah. I think the Greeks like fucking, what's his tits?

Julius Caesar? No. It's Rome. No. Fucking. Who was that fucking Greek dude that everyone's obsessed with now? Oh, Marcus Aurelius. Marcus Aurelius.

Yeah. Yeah. Cause like in those years, like they would kill Christians. Wow. But then I'm thinking, yeah, so maybe they were jerking off,

dude. Well, cause like Christians probably wouldn't jerk off because of the whole like religious aspect of it. Yeah. You know, but then they're also like, if I don't jerk off and I come in this woman and she has a child that I

don't want, I'm fucked. Dude. I'm fucked. Dude. I wonder if they would like confess their, I wonder if they would spank and then confess their sins though. You know, they're like father.

I can see that. Yeah. You know, they're like, I think that's a pretty minor sin. Yeah. I wonder where they were jerking off though. Dude, do you think it would jerk off like in battle?

You know, I, um, well, I, I was thinking about this the other day. They, uh,

I feel like they didn't have plumbing back in the day so yeah they were probably just jerking off on the street let's say like their own homemade septic systems i don't think they did unless you were like royalty yeah yeah well i know they would like shit in pots yeah they would probably just transport it somewhere, you know, I mean, that's wild to think how how tough it was being alive back then. Yeah. And now how easy it is, yet it's still tough being alive. Like when I have to do laundry, that's my entire day. entire day yeah what i don't what i can't process mentally dude is like when you read up on that stuff like you think about like marcus aurelius and shit and you're like yo this guy was like fucking 12 dude like was he when you look at like figures that we read back on it's not it's not like they were like fucking 50 year old like six year old men sure these are like 18 year old dudes yeah who are like fucking their brains aren't even

fully developed yet that is pretty wild and we're like yeah these guys were the shit and it's like they were probably retarded yeah you know it's just hard to fucking process i go back and forth with that because um like on the one hand i think that they it was pretty easy to be smart back then like socrates was like the only thing that i know is that i know nothing yeah and people were like that's a fucking genius yeah but we've had enough time to like you know do stuff on our own and look back at these people and we still say that they're smart so clearly they were doing something well dude i think they had access to more shit than you know the fucking layman like it's literally just like marcus aurelius had access to like books and like he had mentors and shit you know

teaching him how to read and write and everyone else was just like sucking their own dicks yeah well in the context of the people that they were around that was pretty easy that was a no-brainer to be smart but for us to still for people now to be like obsessed with uh ryan holiday quoting marcus realius is kind of crazy to me it's wild yeah but there's maybe it's because it's so simple that it's like this makes sense yeah well i think it's also it's the fact that he was this super powerful king saying these super simple things i think it was just a random guy people are like who gives a shit but for a king to be like money isn't everything yeah that's kind of exciting it is yeah the whole stoicism thing it's kind of like i don't know man because like i fucking see like the videos online i'm like all right let's take a shot at this you know because like they have that book like fucking

uh with marcus raylius what is it called it's called like anal in the infield or something i forgot i forgot what it's called but it's like a stoicism book yeah i do i read like five pages i was like dude i'm gonna kill myself why because it's just like you should care about nothing it's so sure it just talks about marcus realist's life and i'm like dude i get it but it's like can we fucking wrap this up i get that yeah i hate ryan holiday he's kind of just quoting marcus realist for an entire book and then being like look who quoted that and then he sells millions yeah it's it's like it's it's kind of hyped up yeah you know i don't know man i don't know i just what do you do for fun it's too boring for me yeah i live a pretty

simple life man same you know which sucks for comedy because it's like you don't have material to generate yeah i don't know anymore man i think about it a lot and i'm like maybe i should just go back to like getting hammered and, like, eating, like, shit. Are you sober? No, but, like, you know, when I was getting hammered and, like, eating, like, shit, I had more material. Sure. You know, more stuff to talk about. Yeah.

But I don't know, man. You know, maybe it's not that bad to live a simple life. I don't think so. I mean, I think it feels weird living a simple life when you live in New York because there's so much happening. Yeah. That it's like, well, if you're going to live an Am York because there's so much happening. Yeah. That it's like, well, if you're going to live an Amish lifestyle, you should be in the countryside. It's a thing though. When I go out in New York, I'm like, dude, I could be jerking off right now.

You know what I mean? Yeah. That's the first thought that comes into my head. Wow. Yeah. My first thought whenever I go out is I hope I can get an erection. Really? Yeah. When you get home? Just when I'm out. Just I hope at any point in time, if somebody were to test me, I hope that I'd be able to pull off getting an erection right now. Wow, like a man or a woman? Yeah, or a thing, anything. Just if someone's like, let's see it. You want to be ready. I want to be ready, yeah.

Wow, what would you do though? Which is crazy because it's like it's not even, it doesn't matter if I'm in a sexual setting. It doesn't matter if I'm not in a sexual setting. It doesn't matter if I've been getting hard setting. It doesn't matter if I'm not in a sexual setting. It doesn't matter if I've been getting hard for years. Yeah. Is this a trauma? Is this a trauma thing? Like, were you tested?

One time I didn't get an erection, and now it's been a fear ever since. Wow. Yeah. What happened, dude? I took 100 milligram edible. Wow. And lost my mind. Holy shit.

Yeah. Why were you trying to get hard? I was with my girlfriend at the time. Oh. Yeah. So you just got, like, edible dick. I got edible dick. shit yeah what why were you trying to get hard i was with my girlfriend at the time oh yeah so you just got like edible dick i got edible dick but then it was like she to like the the only way out is through or whatever i think marcus really said that but of like every time like it wouldn't work and then she's like let's try again maybe it will but then the pressure of it not working was going into the trying for the next

yeah so then i was like three or four failures deep within a 10 minute span dude i wonder if like if that works during sex if you're just like thinking about coming like i wonder if that it's like reverse psychology dude you know because like i get hard all the time when i don't want to get hard you know what i mean yeah i've thought about that yeah it doesn't help yeah me at least i'm too deep yeah that's tough though man yeah do you think you're ready like now like if someone tested you could be like dude fucking watch this shit i mean i've been ready every time that i've tried flex but but again, it's still borderline. I feel like I could lose this at any time.

It just takes one distraction for this whole thing to blow up. So, yeah, because I have a buddy who he came with his mind. No hands. Really? Yeah. That's impressive. He said it was sorcery, but I don't know, man. I think it was like I think it was recently he did that or when he was like 14 it had to have been in the past

five years wow he said he was sweating a lot but he said he did it and i was like dude you're legit a wizard that's pretty crazy he was like no dude it's sorcery and i was like all right i'll remember that yeah for the rest of my life would you want that would i want like people to that power yeah i feel like dude you gotta, make a lot of sacrifices for that, man. Mm-hmm. You know? I don't think I could do that sober, but maybe if I was, like, super high or something. Okay.

And, like, in a positive environment, maybe I could let it happen. Mm-hmm. You know? What's a positive environment? I don't even know, dude. Maybe if I was, like, in an open field. Oh, like fucking johnny cash was playing yeah and i was just high as tits and i'm talking like scott's turf bro like the perfect grass okay i'm completely naked that's like a solid day out like partly cloudy sure you know i think if i had the if i had the right environment

dude i could really push myself and i would be sweating and probably crying yeah but i think if i had the if i had the right environment dude i could really push myself and i would be sweating and probably crying yeah but i think if i made it to like that that point where you're like yo this is it like you got to put your foot on the fucking throttle yeah i think i could let one out what do you are you just imagining cannons all around you or yeah i'm probably just thinking about like honestly man i'd probably think about just like sucking on a girl's tits yeah but that's it wow you know what i mean i mean that's a simple man just me and her by the waterfront in like a honda accord sure and i'm just sucking on her tits and then i'm like all right have a good night well in a sense you could uh i wonder if you

could come from actually doing that no touching touching yourself, but sucking on tits. I think that would be cheating, though. I'm talking just the elements. Fully yourself, yeah. Like the avatar, but jerking off. Yeah. Like avatar, you'd literally be added to the elements. What element would you be if you were in that world

that's a good question bro thank you because like i mean the avatar kind of just like copies like poseidon all that shit so all the like the fucking like so he's an airbender yeah but like you can't do all of it yeah so you're asking me like which one i would choose i think i would just be poseidon dude a waterbender yeah okay because then i could like make girls fucking squirt and shit you know and they wouldn't even know that's the only way that you'd use it yeah because i would be at like a fucking... That's not bad, though. Because like, dude, if I was behind a girl at like a coffee shop or something, and I just fucking... Oh, so you're not even getting credit. I thought you meant like you're in bed with her, and then she thinks you're really good at bed.

No, I mean like I'm thinking about me at like a coffee shop, dude, behind a chick. And I just fucking bend some fucking water through her legs yeah like hits the cashier in the face and she thinks she just squirted everyone's like dude where'd that fucking come from yeah wow that would be fun yeah um i uh i think i would do air i think it would be fun to fly. I could see you as an airbender. Yeah. Because you can do a lot with air. Because you can, like, fuck with water with air. Yeah, you can use it for other elements, essentially. Do you think you would use it to make girls queef?

No. Really? Man, I'm sorry to disappoint. Yeah. But I just, I think that, listen, queefing to me, I don't mean to shame, but it does nothing for me. But I'm just saying, put yourself in the coffee shop situation. Yeah. If a woman pisses you off, you could potentially make her queef in public.

I think that would be fun, yeah. But I think I could do more with, I could just hit her coffee with the air. That's true. That's kind of too generic, though, dude. Yeah. You know? A queef could really ruin her life. Sure.

Because you know how females get. Like, dude, even if you say queef, like, you're getting shunned forever. Yeah. Which is weird because it's them doing it. Yeah, but, like, I mean, dude, you can't, like, you know, make a woman insecure these days. Sure. Not that we would want to. Yeah.

Trust me, dude. If you say queef around a woman, these days. Sure. Not that we would want to. Yeah. Trust me, dude. If you say queef around a woman, it's over, dude. Really? What is that you're saying? I know from experience, man. That's really severed the ties for you? You crossed the line, yeah, at that point. Yeah.

But, yeah, man, I could definitely see you as, like, an airbender. It's a fucking good show, dude. I remember the Avatar. yeah man i could definitely see you as like a an airbender it's a fucking good show did i remember the yeah that's the only like animated cartoon kind of like not anime but like do you watch the new one the live action on netflix no i heard it's pretty good really i just feel like if i watch it it'll ruin all the childhood memories i have i I could see that. You know, I got to want to fucking ruin that. Yeah. I'm a, excuse me.

I'm a huge nostalgia guy. Yeah. So I like, I watch Disney movies a lot, even when they're not that good, but just to feel something. Just to feel what it used to feel like. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I think I like feeling innocence. I do feel like we were in the last age though of like

because nowadays i heard that um like disney nicola like they've always been really fucked up but a lot of like the a lot of the storylines a lot of the dialogue is like like brainwashing kids you know because there's always like an inner meaning to the episode. But I think that's what Kanye talked about. And he got in like a lot of trouble. What do you think they're telling kids nowadays? I don't even know, dude. Probably just to just be trans.

Yeah. Literally thinking you could be any gender you want to be. Yeah. What is that called? Like fucking. They're saying like. If you're between the ages of like 8 and 12 you know what gender you are which is insane dude because like when i was 8 you know i don't even remember when i was 8 dude i don't think i thought how the fuck would i know what i don't even know what gender was when i was

8 how the fuck would i know so they're just like yeah you can just decide but now they have like the fucking i don't know man i forgot what it's called with like elon musk's kid did it you get uh someone do like hormonal fucking it's like a surgery like you just like uh yeah i don't know why i can't remember the name of it you're saying now people are doing operations as young as 8 to 12 so like essentially man like obviously i'm retarded but i'll try to explain it so like if you're like between the ages of 8 to 12 and you're depressed and you see a therapist like a lot of these like fucking like a lot of these therapists are like it's hormonal it's like you like the whole trans thing it's like oh it's because you're

in the wrong gender will put you through this like gender therapy you know to you know yeah where it turns out they're just bad at school and they're feeling that turns out they're just sad yeah which is life you know what i mean but uh turns out they're just not happy 24 7 which is shocking i don't get like shun bro well you did preface it with you're retarded and i feel like that's a pretty good yeah escape um sorry do i just have to I wish we had a producer, dude, so I could just fucking pull this up, dude. Ah, that would be nice. Oh, gender-affirming care, dude. That's what it's called.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah, they call it, like, the woke mind virus. that would be nice oh gender affirming care dude that's what it's called wow yeah yeah they call it like the woke mind virus but yeah man i guess like some kids are just like between the age of 8 and 12 they're like yeah like if you're in like in that age range you know what your gender is and it's like you know yeah he said his son was like, his son was dead. They killed his son. Elon Musk said that? His son's trans. Really? Well, she, I guess.

I did not realize that. Yeah. But yeah, man, I don't know. When I heard that, I was just like, dude, 8 to 12, bro. When I think about when I was 8 to 12, watching like the Suite Life of Zack and Cody. To think that it's like when I was depressed, you know, I was like, oh, I should be a woman. It's like. Yeah, that's definitely. I'm not saying it's impossible, but that, that does seem like a leap.

Yeah. Um, as a source of the depression. But I, I feel like when I was eight to 12, I was just happy almost all the time. And maybe I'm misremembering, but I, I genuinely feel like pre edible. Yeah. That a hundredg that I took I had very very very little stress because I was just a kid

doing kid things and that was fun and there was not a lot of pressure yeah it's I don't know man I don't get too into it because it's literally like I think 2% of the population maybe not even is trans? yeah it's not like an epidemic or anything I think 2% of the population, maybe not even. It's trans. Yeah.

So it's not like an epidemic or anything. I mean, like the, the affirming care or whatever. Sure. But it's also like, if I had a son who was eight and he's like, yeah, I think I'm a woman. I would be like, dude, you don't even know like what gender is my man. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think that you should be able to say I'm this or that when you haven't even hit puberty yeah dude i think like when i think

about when my brain fully developed i was probably like maybe 24 you know i'm gonna be honest my brain probably isn't even developed right now but it's like yeah 8 to 12 bro that's crazy like why even have parents if you're just gonna like make your own decisions you know that's crazy i feel like i didn't make a single decision as a kid which i love yeah uh which i mean you know granted i guess you could make the argument that they could have decided you are trans now which yeah would have been a little dicey but uh i feel like that's that's too much of a kid to have that weight of. Yeah, but it's just going to happen, man. You know, parents with kids like 8 to 12, which can be like, yeah, like you're a woman, like, you know, we're doing this.

Right. And it's like, I guess you just got to deal with that, you know, like, what can you do, man? Yeah. I mean, well, 15 years ago, I feel like you could have said not that. Yeah. That's what we could have done. But wow. Are you a conservative guy?

Liberal? Moderate? I'm not. I'm not political at all, man. Me neither. Yeah. I think I'm moderate. I think I'm just in the middle.

Whatever sounds like a good idea. I'm like, sure. That's good to me. Yeah, man. The whole like division thing throws me off. Crazy. I just watch it. Like this is cool, you know?

Yeah, it's fun to watch. Like if a civil war goes down, I'm just going to be watching it like this is cool you know yeah it's like a civil war goes down i'm just gonna be watching it like this is this is fucking sick you know which makes people mad but it's like i don't you know well i yeah i don't think you have to necessarily have a choice because clearly if you have a choice you're wrong from the other side like either way you choose people are gonna be like you're an idiot for sure yeah either way like you're wrong are you in therapy no nice um yeah dude it's like the way i was brought up was just to like avoid politics at all costs you know and it's paid off so much sure like the amount of

time i've saved the amount of energy i've saved you know um but yeah man it's just crazy it's kind of like the um your jerking off thoughts yeah take up as much time as somebody in bushwick thinking political thoughts exactly dude like while they're at like a fucking political rally yeah i'm jerking off sure you know i mean like i'm winning yeah i feel like that's best case scenario for the most part i guess i well best case scenario would be you're constantly thinking about something you i guess you do love but something that's like going to further your life would be ideal yeah man i see like hardcore liberals hardcore republicans and i'm like dude you're so sad bro yeah you're wasting your time yeah

so you're spending so much time on shit that just doesn't even like it's one day dude you just go you vote you move on yeah you know but i think it gives people purpose they're like this is my thing because everybody wants to have a thing everybody wants to be controlling dude yes they're like hey this is you have to do this i'm like no i don't yeah i really don't that's what people don't realize and if people can't accept that then they're fucking insane sure you know like if you're like dude i voted for this guy i'm like fuck yeah dude you know but like if i'm like no like you have to vote for this person and you're like no and that like bothers me then i'm a fucking you're a psychopath you're like a legitimate psychopath you know with that but yeah man i don I don't know. I've been fine.

Like, dude, can you not just live like a happy life without being political? Like, is it? Well, I can't live a happy life with being nonpolitical. Exactly, dude. So maybe political is the answer for me. But yeah, I just feel like it's never once have I walked away from a political conversation thinking that was worth my time. Yeah, exactly. We both learned from that. Yeah.

We both agreed to disagree. Yeah. The thing is, man, like I'm not afraid to just be like, yeah, I don't know. Like I don't know the answer, you know? I'm not educated on this topic. I think that's fantastic. And everyone in the world, like obviously I'm overgeneralizing, but everyone everyone in new york city dude is like they have to like have an opinion yeah they have to pretend to know and all you have to do man is just like when someone says something political just be like

why and they'll shit their pants dude don't be like i have no fucking yeah they're just like just because it's just regurgitating something that they heard yeah do you want kids i think so yeah nice way later on like in six years or something okay you know once i learned how to It's just regurgitating something that they heard. Yeah. Do you want kids? I think so, yeah. Nice. Way later on, like in six years or something. Okay. You know, once I learned how to like shit indoors and shit. You're shitting outdoors currently.

Still. Once I get past that, dude, I'm going to have some kids. Yeah, that's it. Well, the good thing about kids is that you have a pretty big window of when you actually have to step up to be like a provider and a a source of wisdom for them like you could be shitting outdoors for the first four years of their lives and it would have no effect on their life i mean you don't think that would like affect them i'm not saying you take them out to the street and you make eye contact while you're shitting but i'm saying they won't know what you're up to or that it's weird that you're not shitting in a toilet they're not shitting in a toilet as long as i'm

hiding it well yeah i think the hiding is but even the first two years you don't have to hide it they they truly won't know yeah and who are they to judge they're shitting their pants yeah i wonder what that's gonna be like though like when we have kids man you know like what the world's gonna be like yeah i'm kind of scared because i want kids but there's i just fear technology and how consumed we are by it and how much it's going to be like you can't avoid it like where if you don't have a phone you seem like a freak yeah it is weird man but it's also like when we were younger like parents were saying the same shit they were like back in my day but it's weird now because it's like i think it's a little more extreme oh definitely yeah i think well i think right now

for a parent to say back in my day it is a huge shit and then i'm sure when we have kids and we're saying that to them it'll be a huge thing too but i feel like it'll be theirs was more technology based ours will be more freedom based yeah of like back in my day you could just call people retarded yeah and like when we have kids there's gonna be like a social like credit score and shit yeah it's gonna be fucking crazy dude yeah i'm very fearful of that i don't know man i feel like as long as like we can still tell dick jokes and like we have a good friend group we'll be fine like i feel like as long as you have like a few friends you can like still shoot the shit with and like your kids aren't pussies like you're gonna be fine dude that's big i do feel like

i'm noticing some friends become pussies though for sure which is very disheartening a lot of men who have daughters become very like yeah i could see that you know do your friends have kids uh no not yet sam but you kind of like even like you can tell he's about to have a daughter yeah like if if you if you ever see yeah if you ever seen a guy with a daughter, like, if you say anything, even remotely, like, you know, it's just, like, game over. Sure. You know? Yeah. And I get that, kind of, but it's also, like, dude, chill out.

Like, you used to be able to, like, joke around a little bit. Now it's, like, just because you have a daughter. You used to be a sexual predator. Yeah, just because you have a daughter now doesn't mean you can't, like, shoot the shit with the boys, man, you know? But I think, dude, having, like, two sons would be fucking sick that'd be cool yeah is that your situation growing up no but if if i have two sons dude i'm gonna be so happy bro okay just watching them like throw hands and stuff would you name one johnny i think so yeah i'd name them both johnny really spelled differently yeah it'd be sick that would be cool yeah you think you

would want a girl though dude like i think so i definitely i want a boy more but i'd be very fine having a girl but i definitely want at least two kids uh-huh it's weird man because if i have a girl like i don't want her to be like attractive you know yeah i want like an ugly daughter sure who's gonna be like chill yeah i'm not gonna i'm not gonna worry about studios you know yeah so it's tough man no that is that is tough um i think that if i had a daughter it would be you want to tell yourself that you're i would want her to be attractive but i would also want to raise her in an environment where she's not like dependent on male affection to feel worth. Yeah, it's going to be tough, man.

I don't even know what's going to happen. I do have like nostalgic thoughts, though. Dude, I don't know if you ever have this where it's like, dude, if I could just go back in the day to like when I was playing like Need for Speed Hot Pursuit 2 and just like blow my fucking head off that would be fine you know what do you mean blow your head off like to just die at like a young age oh okay doing what you love sure you know yeah I think about that all the time of um I love nostalgia and there are things that I loved so much as a kid that not only do I not care for anymore but I don't know what I care for that much at all at this age. Yeah. Just very,

I mean, just think about it. It's like you, if you were jerking off, like, you know, after you jerked off on that doorknob, bro,

like if you just died, like you would have lived like a great life, man. Yeah. Yeah. I think so. I would have never taken that edible. I wouldn't have known what anxiety was.

I would have known that I was a man. Like, I mean, you might even be like Marcus A aurelius dude yeah i feel like i definitely had more things figured out when i was younger than i do now yeah which is odd yeah because it just gets worse man you know it's like to go out like you think people are like oh it's so sad like back in the day they would die at such a young age but it's like no dude that's fucking sick yeah that's good you know you had no regrets i mean when i was a kid i feel like i just woke up and i was happy now i wake up and it's like

i need to work out i need to eat something healthy i need to write some jokes i need a shower i need to call my parents tell them i love them and then maybe yeah i think life isn't that bad yeah but i have to do all of that which is insane to me it's crazy bro like you actually know what's going on too yeah i think that's part of it is uh well the weirdest part is i i'm just i'm not that happy of a person but i also have a good life so it's a weird like i would understand if i wasn't happy if i was like in a coal mine and just getting paid two dollars an hour and you know my wife hates me yeah no life is sick for sure life is great but i just can't wrap my head around how good it is and accept it yeah you would have to literally go into like a coal mine for like a week and be like

okay yeah life is fucking sick i think i would yeah have to live a bad life or a worse life in order to appreciate what i have which you know is i think the age that we live in is we all we want the best thing to stream we want the best food we want all this stuff and there is something about being in the 70s when you just had what you had that i think people were much happier yeah those are the most depressing videos to watch though. Like the dopamine videos. Yes. Where they're like, you're getting so accustomed to like this dopamine rush that when you like

put your phone away, it's like, oh, this sucks. Like nothing compares to the dopamine rush you get. And having the phone wasn't even that good, which like really sucks. Cause like back in the day you had to like work for a dopamine rush and then you got it and it was like temporary. And then it was like, all right, back to work.

Whereas now it is like, Oh dude, I have this. Let me just flood it. Let me just look at tits all day. And then when someone asked me how I am, I'm like, this fucking sucks,

dude. Yeah. You know, sure. Crazy dude. I know. Yeah. I feel like tits can only satisfy you for so long before you start wondering

what's behind the tits. I know, dude. Is your algorithm just full of tits it's like tits and then it'll be like dudes driving through like hair salons it's fucking crazy man like into yeah dude it'll just be like guys like literally driving a car through a hair salon and like killing five people is that a uh a trend right now i don't think so okay i think it's just me. Well, surely there's enough videos to where it's an algorithm.

Which sucks, dude, because it'll be like a girl hitting like a five iron and then it'll be like some guy driving like a Corvette through a fucking Asian air salon. Yeah. Killing like five people. Wow. And I'm just like, dude, what the fuck am I doing? You know, it's not good, man. What do you do with that after? I just like,

uh, just jerk off. I just jerk off to it. Yeah. Yeah. How many times a day do you jerk off? Just once. Okay.

Yeah. Morning or night or before I go to bed, dude. Oh really? Okay. Helps me sleep, man. I could see that.

Yeah. What about you, dude? Well, I have a girlfriend who I live with. You're still doing it though, dude. What'd you say?

You're still spanking though, dude. I What'd you say? You're still spanking, though, dude. I do, but it's probably once, maybe twice a week. Yeah. But I would say more often than not, once. Those are rookie numbers, dude. I know. You gotta bump those up. Well, when she leaves, then I'm spanking.

Yeah, so you're like a good dude then, man. Like, you're crushing it. In what way? Just not spanking all the time you're not really relying on it well one i have a fear that i won't get an erection so it's yeah i can't say i'm really craving jerking off that much so it all stems from that it all stems from that and then two kind of based in that fear i'm like well i might as well save the erection for her rather than like dilute it by

jerking off the night before yeah i feel that dude no dude that's uh no we'll be all right dude everything's gonna be okay man um all right yeah we're like yeah we went like an hour and 11 dude that fucking flew by dude yeah was that good was that usable no dude that was good man okay it was good to see you bro yeah good to see you, bro. Yeah, good to see you. I haven't seen you since like, I mean, obviously we did that comedy class together. Well, I saw you. You did my show recently.

Yeah. But before that, it was like a year. It was a long time. It was a long time, dude. So it was good to see you, man. Good to see you. Thank you for coming on, bro. Of course.

Thanks for having me. You did great, man, honestly. For someone who doesn't podcast a lot, bro. Okay. Yeah, man. That flew by, dude. Yeah, if you don't mind sharing your Instagram, dude, and anything you have coming up for the people.

Handy Vandy is where to find me. I'm doing spots all around the city all the time. And, yeah, I'm going to start posting a lot more, so be on the lookout for that. And you have a show, dude, which is always a good time. I have a show. It's called Rent Controlled. I run it with andy alouise very funny guy um and it's every other friday in the west village byob nine o'clock fuck yeah dude thank you for coming

man thank you for having me