The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish - #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives

Episode Date: February 4, 2020

Sex therapist Dr. Suzanne Iasenza explains how our personal narratives determine how we grow as a couple, how we communicate, even how we make love.   Go Premium: Members get early access, ad-free episodes, hand-edited transcripts, searchable transcripts, member-only episodes, and more. Sign up at: https://fs.blog/membership/   Every Sunday our newsletter shares timeless insights and ideas that you can use at work and home. Add it to your inbox: https://fs.blog/newsletter/   Follow Shane on Twitter at: https://twitter.com/ShaneAParrish Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You don't know who you are projecting onto a partner at any given moment that is still unfinished business. And that's one of the reasons why I spend so much time with sexual histories, let's say, is to start to identify the narratives that rise to the surface when people are curious from the first memory of sexuality all the way to now. And what are the ones that still carry so much meaning about self or other or sexuality or intimacy or trust that still is unfinished so that with the partner, sometimes it's not a moment. not your trusted partner. Are you making love with that night? It becomes your father. Hello and welcome. I'm Shane Parrish and this is The Knowledge Project, a podcast exploring the ideas, methods, and mental models that help you master the best of what other people have

already figured out. As some of you have no doubt noticed recently, we've started exploring more diverse subjects. The Knowledge Project aims to explore pretty much everything from science and history to relationships and decision making, all with the goal of helping you better understand yourself and the world around you so that you can live a more meaningful and conscious life. We truly want to master the best of what other people have already figured out, and that's not limited to one particular domain. To learn more and stay up to date on new episodes, go to fs.blog slash podcast. Farnham Street puts together a weekly newsletter that I think you'll love, it's called brain food, and it comes out every Sunday, much like

this podcast, it's high signal, timeless, and mind expanding. You can read what you've been missing at fs.blog slash newsletter. Today I'm speaking with Suzanne I ascend the, a psychotherapist and sexual therapist in New York who also teaches at the Ackerman Institute. This conversation took place in Suzanne's office in New York. What interested me most about talking to Suzanne was her work on narratives, the stories that we tell ourselves that shape what we see and how we behave. Not only do we have a narrative about who we are as a person, but we have a narrative about our partner and our relationship and even what sex should be. Narratives are interesting to me because they affect all aspects of our life. If you want to understand someone, you need to

understand the narrative they tell themselves about themselves. I was curious as how narratives affect couples and how we can change those narratives. Well, we primarily talk about relationship, the lessons here apply to all aspects of our life, including how to replace the narratives, how to change them when they age off. This conversation is fascinating. I think you'll enjoy it. It's time to listen and learn. Suzanne, how would you explain what you do for a living?

I say I'm a couple in sex therapy. mostly, even though I do individual therapy. But the majority of my writing and my teaching and the majority of my clinical work is with couples now. What are the most common problems that couples come to you with? Almost all couples, whether they have sexual issues or other issues, usually they will say communication.

That's one of people's most favorite presenting descriptions is they'll say, we need help with communication. with communication, which is the general catch-all kind of bucket. Does that mean like I'm saying something and my partner doesn't understand, or doesn't agree with me? Well, see, when you unpack, we need communication help.

It can mean, well, I like apples and he likes oranges, right? We're having trouble with differences. So it might not even be communications really the problem, it's that they're not able, or they don't have the skills to be able to hear each other out, to be able to then, find compromises, which is a big skill in couples. So it may not even be that they don't even know each other that well, that they're not

communicating each other about themselves that well. It could be that they don't know how to manage differences to find compromises, that they may even feel that their differences mean they should be breaking up, that they're not compatible as opposed to how do you manage to deal with differences. It's a rare couple that everybody is exactly the same. In fact, that probably isn't that healthy if people were like carbon copies of each other. But that's the catch-all phrase. It's rare a couple will come in and not have communication be part of it.

Is the communication a skill, as in people are lacking this skill, or communication is just a general term for all the problems that people are having? It's more the latter, I think, at least initially. Once I help people begin to unpack that and understand what do you mean by communication. Because when people say, we need help with communication, I don't say, oh, yes, I understand what you mean. I often say, tell me what you mean by that. And I might even say, tell me to one of the partners, you tell me what you mean. And, you know, if you have a different definition of communication, that's fine too.

Very early on, no matter what the presenting problem is, I usually want them to each tell me their definition of whatever that presenting problem is and start to normalize and even encourage that there could be two different perspectives on it. so that people can begin to, if they're not that differentiated, it's called, that they can learn how to be more differentiated, which means really say what your truth is. Even if you're afraid it's bad news for your partner, let's create the safety here to get it out, because whatever way you're not saying truly what you need or what you don't want or whatever is creating probably while you're in my office in the first place.

What are the reasons if people don't speak truth to their partner? I mean, I imagine some of the common ones would be, I don't feel safe doing that. I don't want to hurt them. Yep. I don't want to hurt them. Or I feel personally so ashamed about whatever this secret is or this truth is that I don't think I can bear hearing myself say this out loud to my partner. So even if the partner really proves to be truly a loving, non-judgmental partner,

that doesn't mean that the self is that understanding. So it could be more of a conflict within the self about why someone can't put words to it. That's why with couples often, especially if they present with sexual issues, but even if not, sometimes I will do some individual sessions for history or just for them to tell me a little bit more about a particular problem

because sometimes they really need to feel less concern about an audience. And the partner and I could be a little too much to share something. some truths. And if they can get it out with me with a safer kind of conversation that I can offer, that I'm not going to be reactive to what they have to say, like a partner could, that then I could help them bring it into the couple sessions. I imagine it's a really good sign if you care about somebody enough that you don't want to hurt them. How do you work through somebody whose primary motive is I don't want to hurt

my partner? And how is that different from somebody who's I don't want to reveal the truth to myself. Yeah, because I think it is basically, I think. Is it like once I say it, it's true, and then if I don't say it's not true? Yeah, partially. I mean, when you think about, let's say a person, well, you know, here's a more dramatic one. Let's say you have that homosexual man, the gay man, who got married heterosecually, either

because he couldn't bear it, or he never came out, or he's hoping it will go away. And now it's 20 years later, and either they have no. sex life because he really just can't do it. Or he's having outside sexual activity with men that he's lying about or keeping secret and feeling terrible about it. I mean, there could be so many different variations. And how is he going to bring that into a long-term relationship with a wife that as a person he truly loves and admires and as the mother of his children and he might have all these

other things about his life that is so meaningful and he doesn't want to lose? that. That's a pretty rough one kind of truth to bring out. And for many of those partners with those kinds of secrets, that's devastating. For many of the partners, they're like, how could I even have not known this? And what does it mean? This isn't something I can even make better. Like, let's say the big secret was an affair. If he was having an affair with another woman, let's say, at least the wife still could be devastated, but she could think, well, maybe I'm going to fight for him if I'm not going to, like, reject him and throw them out. But like something like someone whose sexual orientation is different than the partner

they've been married to, that's a big one. That's one of those really painful. Because it makes you question the foundation of the person that you're with. Like, do I actually know this person to that's right. And even question my own reality. Like some partners will say, how could I not have seen that? How could, there must have been clues. What am I in denial? So it can make a person question their own reality, their own truth. Retrospectively, are there clues? Sometimes there are. And sometimes there aren't.

That's true with affairs or, let's say, sexual orientation secrets or kink. There's so many different secrets people can hold. Why do you think we're not more honest about that within? Well, some of the secrets, unfortunately, that's why I think it's important to have some individual sessions with partners, is some people aren't under the impression that the secret's going to be so devastating. And some of them could possibly be, let's say, if it's finally a gay man who maybe has to leave his wife to be happy. But that's a little more extreme.

But let's say it might be a sexual difference that really could be negotiated, or sometimes it's a sexual difference that a partner may assume that their partner can't handle, and they never gave the partner a chance because they kept a shameful secret for so long. Like with some kink things, or there can be all sorts of different. let's say sexual preferences people could have. They have so much self-judgment about it or they were shamed about it with other partners prior to this partner that they don't even take the chance to share it. And that's my job is to say, can I help you maybe bring this into the couple's work

or the sex therapy work in a way that might actually not be as disparate, you know, an outcome as you think it would be. reading playing learning stellist lenses do more than just correct your child's vision they slow down the progression of myopia so your child can continue to discover all the world has to offer through their own eyes light the path to a brighter future with stellus lenses for myopia control learn more at sloor.com and ask your family eye care professional for sallor stellar lenses at your child's next visit bit of the ethics of that, where you would know a secret and be talking with a couple that doesn't want to be disclosed, but you're actually working for the couple. Like, how does that... Well, that's a really good question. That's a very big question that therapists will ask a lot of times because they get very anxious about secrets. But secrets in couple therapy is a major issue you have to deal with. And what often you, what's most important is before I meet with

halves of couples, with partners, I talk about secrets. So it's open. And if you read enough of the literature, all couple therapists have different ways of dealing with this. But the most important underlying factor is that you're honest with the couple, that secrets could exist. Obviously, you don't know if secrets do exist when you first see the couple. You have no idea. But you have a discussion about, I like to talk to couples in the beginning about secrecy versus privacy, for instance. I think a lot of people either have no clue that those are two different things, or they have real different definitions. of what privacy or secrecy is, which is really interesting,

that they never realized their partner saw differently. But when I do want to do individual history taking, especially with sexual issues, I do very extensive sexual histories, like I'm talking three, four, five, perhaps, sessions individually with each partner, because I really want to give them a chance to sit with me from their very first memory of sexuality,

which could go way back to five years old, all the way through their whole history up to how they became a sexual being now. being now. So I really take my time with that. So I do say before I do that, I'd like to do those individual histories. And how would we want to handle the material? Because either one of you might tell me secrets or things that are private, privacy versus secrecy. Let's talk about that. And do you feel comfortable with me holding those? So that many couple therapists will talk to clients about, can I hold things? Do you?

Do you trust that I could hold them with the couple in mind? Because if someone has a shameful secret that's impacting on the couple and they don't tell me, if there isn't room for them to tell me that, I don't know if they're going to reach the goals that they need to reach. But it is very, you have to have a tolerance for certain secrets. Like what if someone tells you they're having an affair? What if someone tells you that they're gay? When they're married to, you know, someone of the opposite sex, those are bigger secrets. So, you know, secrets are all relative, aren't they?

But versus they had an affair 30 years ago, and it's ended. It ended, you know. How would you define secrecy versus privacy? Privacy is an area of human experience that does not impact the couple negatively, especially in terms of understood or implied truth, you know, between them or agreement. Probably the most common is, let's say, you have a monogyn. agreement and that's been agreed upon consciously and someone's breaking that monogamy agreement that's probably the most common kind of that wouldn't be

private that would be secret in the sense that that would be that would negatively impact upon the couple and it's something that is affecting the couple that's different than let's say someone masturbates and doesn't want the partner to know when they masturbate that's more privacy or what they fantasize about when they masturbate. That's more private. But, you know, that's my definition. But what's very interesting is what's more important is what's their definition. Right. Because partners may have different ideas on what privacy is. I've had some clients tell me that their partner should never ever fantasize about anyone but them. And if they did, then that

shouldn't be private. That should come out in therapy and we have to deal with it because there's something wrong with it. And when people have said that, I don't sit there and say, well, that's not a good definition. Let me tell you mine. I say, well, what do you think about it to your partner? You know, what do you think about that? Because it only matters in the context of that relationship.

If that partner says, oh, yeah, I have the same definition. He better not have that fantasy either. Then I'm not going to mess with that entirely, unless I determine that that kind of very particular definition of privacy is impacting negatively. upon the couple or what their goal is. And then I might want to make that connection, not in a judgmental way, but say, you know,

I think that maybe that could be affecting why you're not as open sexually with each other, because maybe you're very afraid that if another fantasy comes in, you shut down, because you know that you're going to be betraying your partner, or your own definition of what proper privacy, or, you know, fantasies are. So it's all about assessment of how might that definition

of privacy or secrecy be affecting what the couples coming in with as a problem or what they're trying to achieve. You've been doing this a long time. I'm sure you're not surprised by a lot of stuff that comes in. I usually tell people when they struggle telling me a secret, I say, trust me. I've heard it all. And not that that probably is true in the whole universe, but I've heard a lot. And over 30 years I've been practicing.

So yeah, I've heard a lot. I'm curious as to what you know now about couples that make it that you didn't know when you started. Is it situational? as in sort of somebody's homosexual or there was an affair, is it communicative as in we're just not hearing each other and we're not understanding each other? Is it the willingness, the sheer willingness

by both partners to be all in? I don't know what it would be. I'm curious as to... Yeah, I'm probably going to give you such a disappointing answer. You know, I always tell people that when I train even graduate students, I say, you know, the longer I've practiced, the less I can really predict. how a couple's going to turn out.

I've become more humble over time and I've been more surprised over time. So couples that you think sort of like in your head would make it, don't make it, and couples that you're... These guys have no hope. How in the world could these two people who come in and are so mean to each other,

are so reactive, are so disconnected. And those are the cases really that I think I've seen the most change is I'm a very more long. term in the trenches type of therapist. I tend to see people more longer term. And I'm an analyst, I do psychoanalytic kind of work,

not just behavioral sex therapy, and couple therapy. I'm kind of a mixture of all those. So I really appreciate the unfolding over time of levels of awareness and also, especially the time needed to deal, let's say, with trauma, if someone's been sexually abused or physically abused as a kid,

or experienced abandonment or death, or something illness in the family or there's so many kinds of attachment we call it wounds or trauma and the impact of that can really manifest so difficult now in a couple but if people allow themselves to unfold it could take years but people can turn corners and i've seen people turn corners that if you took the videotape in the first session you would have said i can't believe this is the same couple is it because being mean to each other is sort of an indication of where you're at versus something that might be deeper in the sense of like one person's emotional and the other person is like not emotional or well those are more of the surface reasons deeper reasons can be what we call in more analytic work they could be projecting onto the partner not knowing this is an unconscious process so that with more intimacy and people can be very confused about this because they say to me suzanne we never had this problem before we got married, or we never had this problem before we moved in together, or we never had this problem before we had our first child, or, you know, or we bought our first

house. And they get confused because they think, well, isn't it progress when you get married or have a kid or move in together? And then why would things get worse when they get better? And actually, no, it would make sense. It could get worse, not better. Why? Because the more committed you become, the more, I often say to people like with sex therapy, you know what? All sex is group sex. And they laugh, and I said, well, this is what I mean. You think, you're in bed alone with your partner, you're not. You're in bed with your trauma history or attachment history, your trauma history or attachment history. Your mother and father, if you had whatever the parental couple was, their relationship and what you internalized about it,

how they treated you. All your sibling relationships are in there. All the intergenerational transmission of trauma, if your grandmother or grandfather or whatever, there are things that happen there that can be transmitted down the generations. Let's add at all the intersectionality kinds of wounds, race, class, sexual orientation, gender identity. There are so many things, narratives, I call it narratives, in bed with you, unconsciously, so that you don't know who you are projecting onto a partner at any given moment that is still unfinished business. And that's one of the reasons why I spend so much time with sexual histories, let's say,

is to start to identify the narratives that rise to the surface when people are curious from the first memory of sexuality all the way to now. and what are the ones that still carry so much meaning about self or other or sexuality or intimacy or trust or that still is unfinished so that with the partner sometimes it's not your trusted partner you're making love with that night it becomes your father who is a rageaholic or an alcoholic and you could shift into that space and not even know it and before you know it you're losing an erection or intercourse becomes painful or you can't have an orgasm that you normally do or you just get turned off or whatever, you go numb, right? So to make people aware of that is really important.

So it's not just all service. You could be mad about what happens today. We had a fight of the week. But those deeper narratives and the meaning that they carry is really a bigger picture to get aware of, to become aware of and to be able to shift and change or challenge or heal whatever wounds are behind those narratives.

Talk to me a little bit about narratives. it sounds, in the couple's context, maybe leaving sex aside for now, we'll sort of get to that. But I would imagine that there's a narrative the couple has that's external, sort of like the show that they put on to other people. Like the performativity of the couple? The performative nature of it. I have a theory that the happier a couple looks on social media,

the less happy they are. That might not be a bad, you know, hypothesis. The more they go out of their way to demonstrate how happy they are, basically. But then there's the narrative that each partner in that relationship has about not only themselves, but their partner, and then the relationship as a separate entity. Talk to me about, can you expand on that? Yeah, there are all these levels of narratives. If anyone wants to read about it, there are many theorists about narrative therapy. It's been around for a long time, but one of the favorite people that I draw a lot of my work from or my writing, my presenting is Michael White's work.

I don't know if you know him, but Michael White was, unfortunately, he's passed away, was a family therapist from Australia. And he developed, first with Michael Epston, and then he did a lot on his own, of a narrative therapy in family therapy. And he talked more about how our narrators can be generated from more political or social outside of ourselves, where society tells us that we internalize, and then can make us feel broken or dysfunction.

or less than, but when you think about it, the family is a community, too. The family can impart narratives onto a child, right? Or even a relationship can impart narratives onto a couple or partners in the relationship. Like, I'm very curious how people, the minute I meet them and I say, why are you here, they're going to begin to tell me their narrative, right? They're going to tell me a story. They're going to say, we're a sexless couple, or we can't communicate, or, we're not compatible or whatever right so and then that's a story but then i want them to unpack

that that narrative um or we can't uh we're a no sex couple is a very major one right or we're a low desire okay walk me through how you would unpack that yeah well when it comes to desire is a really wonderful narrative that is all narrative desire because desire only exists since the 1970s Prior to 1970, there was no narrative for desire and sexuality. Because prior to the 70s, we had Masters and Johnson's model of what makes everybody sexually healthy, what sexual health looks like. And in Masters and Johnson's model, desire wasn't part of it.

What was their model? Their model just started with, they didn't even use the word arousal. They looked at the body, not really psychology as much. And then there would be a plateau and then an orgasm. It was an orgasm-based model. So orgasm was in their model. And excitement was in their model, which they meant physical excitement, not subjective arousal, which is a different thing.

But anyway, so it was a very kind of body-based. The body gets excited. You know, penises get hard, vulvas get wet, whatever. And then you have an orgasm. And everybody should follow that one model. So desire wasn't part of it. It wasn't until Helen Singer-Captain's work in the 1970s and 80s. that she said, and she was an analyst and a sex therapist here in New York, and she said something's missing from this model.

So she came out with a trifacic model, three steps also, but beginning with desire. So think about prior to that model, and then that model was integrated into the DSM or diagnostic manual, so all doctors and therapists were saying, okay, this is now what healthy sexuality is. This is the narrative of healthy sexuality. Now you have desire disorders. Because prior to having the component of desire, how could you have the story that I have a dysfunction? It didn't exist.

Prior to that, you either had excitement problems, men had erectile problems, or women couldn't get excited, but not desire, or you had orgasm problems. So it's, you know, we know this. I mean, I think most people know, that medical diagnoses are stories and narratives, right? And they tell us what makes us sick or what makes us well.

And when they come up with a new diagnosis, now you can have a whole other family of narratives of sickness. So it's true with sex as it can be with any other kind of diagnosis. But that desire component since the 1980s, I think is one of the major narratives, I believe, creates problems in couples because most couples come in with desire disorders, either discrepant desire. One person has, quote, higher desire,

the other one stuck with the quote, lower desire role, or they come in with the no desire couple. And many people believe that that makes them dysfunctional and sexually broken. So a lot of the narrative, what I would do in a first session, if a couple comes in and says, oh, we're a no-sex couple, we have no desire, we're broken, I might say, what makes you think you have to have desire to have a fulfilling sexual life? Just that question, that's how a narrative therapist works, as you start to ask questions that makes people aware that that's a story, it's not a fact.

fact. Is the opposite of that sort of like scheduling sex? Like we're just going to have sex every Friday night? No, actually the later models, after Helen's Singer Kaplan's model, there are two other models that I think are really important. One was by Joanne Luhlin in the later 80s, and then the other is Rosemary Besson's work, who by the way comes from Canada. And yeah, yeah, Canada.

Actually Canada has really, this is a sidebar, but all the great research and sexuality comes in Canada. We have a lot of sex in Canada. Yeah. Yeah, it's cold. You better do something up there to stay warm. But also, I think your government just funds it more, I don't know what it is, but the large majority of the best sex research, in my opinion, all comes from Canada.

And certainly the model that has changed the DSM now, now in the DSM women cannot be diagnosed with desire disorder anymore. Hypoactive sexual desire has been removed because it's the really groundbreaking work that Rosemary Besant, Laurie Brotto, others. in Canada actually documented that for women, desire arousal orgasm, that model does not work. The Helen Singer-Caplan model doesn't work for women. For most women, desire follows arousal.

It does not proceed it. That is such a major paradigm shift. And it was actually documented with really sound research, such good research that they went to the DSM committee recently, and it's been changed. Now, poor men are. are still stuck with having hyposexual desire disorder.

So you guys, you've got to get in there and advocate for yourselves. I don't think any human being should have to be burdened with that as a diagnosis. I think it's a faulty diagnosis. I don't think it helps anybody. So what's the replacement? Willingness, which is what Lulin starts with in her model.

She doesn't not have desire in it, but the first step in her model is willingness. And it doesn't end an orgasm also. So she doesn't make whether someone ends in an orgasm or not as broken or not. She ends with pleasure. So to start with willingness and end with pleasure. Pleasure is the measure. Right?

Pleasure is the-euvre. Yeah, Emily. Have you interviewed her? We have, yeah, yeah. She's fabulous. She's amazing, yeah. That's right. So she talks a lot about that research.

Pleasure is so much more of a helpful concept for a sexual outcome than orgasm. But I would argue that let's change, let's really make a siege. change in the beginning and not make desire have to be the first step. How about willingness? And then allow for arousal to emerge in whatever way if it does. And then desire, at least what the Canadians

found with women, arousal happens first in women, desire happens after. So once a woman gets aroused, she could feel her desire much more than feel, you know, desire first. What are the common ways that women get aroused?

well you know it's I don't know if women are that different from men in terms of arousal arousal can happen in so many different ways um arousal can happen through physical things that happen like the hand in the right place with the right pace whatever right it can happen with what happens in our heads like fantasy right or anything that either just appears to us like you know your lover comes in is looking hot to like you just bring a fantasy of the last time you made love and it was so great or even the guy down the hall and that turns you on while you're doing you know your stuff with your partner so it could be in your mind and it could be also relational like um you know sometimes the old joke it's tells someone oh you want to do for play then put the kids to bed tell your partner your wife or

your girlfriend she can go and rest and take a nice bath and you feed the kids put them to bed put out the garbage clean and that's for a play right and now she's your really going to be up. Is there any truth to that? Well, actually, I think for some people, the relational is very high on the list for arousal, or kindness. Like you need to feel connected. Connected, exactly. So for some people, or intellect, some people sit down and they have the hottest intellectual conversation, and then they want to have sex. And so I always ask people, from attraction stories, like when you first met, I'll often say, well, the minute you met him or her, What was it that attracted you to them?

And you'd be surprised how many people, it is not sexual chemistry, or it might not even be looks. It could be, I love the way her voice sounded. Behind me in class, I heard that voice answer that teacher's question. I said, who is that woman? Or for some people, it could be spiritual. Or for some people, it could be, they're on the picket line together screaming their heads off

about something political and it's a political passion. So it's not always all based on, attraction is not always based on the body or even on sexuality, sexual chemistry. That's important for people to appreciate. And I think arousal works the same way. For some people, it could be very verbal. Like I had a really good talk, and then I could feel turned on to that person. And for other people, it could be almost strictly physical.

They either look good or they don't. And that could be harder because over time and long-term couples, people age, right? Sometimes people gain weight. That was my next question. Like, how does arousal change? during the course of a relationship. I mean, when you're 19 and 20, does it look, I'm assuming it looks a little bit different

than when you're 70? It can, but I usually find, yeah, there are generalizations you can say that as people age, does arousal become more, does it diminish over time? But for some, it depends on the individuals. For some people, in a long-term relationship, they might even be more aroused by their partner

in their, I work with some people in their 80s, it's so great to work with the 80-year-olds. Because for some people, they love, they fall in love with their partners more as they get older, because they love for them, and even the turn-on is about everything they've gone through. It's such a rich, lived life through all the real ups and downs, that they so love that person and they so want to pleasure them, or they're still so turned on. And also, sometimes some studies will say, you know, being able to remember how hot it was when you were 20 when you're 80 doesn't hurt either. In other words, that's where fantasy could come in.

Right. Because some 80-year-olds, the parts aren't even working the same way. They're not even having penetrative sex because they can't for whatever reason that medication issues, health issues, whatever. And they're still having hot sex. Because if you define sex broad enough, then almost anything could be hot. And it's all, you know, the mind is really a large part of sexuality, too. It's not always how the body parts work.

Can you walk me through how people typically. explain sex and then expand our definition of sex? Yeah, almost everyone, and it doesn't matter whether they're lesbian, gay male, heterosexual, trans. Most people, because that's the narrative we're taught, is usually the definition of sex is genital. It has to involve the genitals, sometimes has to involve penetration, not always, and has to end an orgasm. Those three components, usually the most common when people say, we're not having sex. We want to have more sex. Usually I don't say, oh, okay, we'll work on that.

I'll say, what do you mean by sex? And then I'd ask, you tell me your version, you tell me your version. And then there's actually something I suggest the couples do when I work with them called the sexual menu. And I often like to make jokes about, you know, comparing food to sex. But it's like how broad, you know, can your sexual menu be? So it's great to have intercourse, nothing wrong with penetrative sex or things that end in orgasm.

But there's a whole lot more you could do with a violence. body that involves more than just genitals or orgasm even. And so, first, I help people actually deconstruct sex, develop, and I might say, you know, just like with food, would you want to have a hamburger every night? Maybe, but maybe not. It could get boring. Or you might prefer hamburger. I might prefer Chinese food.

Can we kind of mix it up? And one night we go to the hamburger joint the other night, next night we go for Chinese. But it's also, as you age, actually, older people usually who are still erotic and sexually together at 80 know how to deconstruct sex, because they've just had to. Over time, the body parts might not work because of illnesses or medications or things that happen. And if they're really still got it for each other, they will find a way to enjoy eroticism or broadly defined. So when you take out the, like, orgasm is sort of like the end of a sexual encounter. Right.

Are what we really talking about is intimacy? It's just a physical intimacy? It could be intimacy, it's a connection. Rosemary Besson, the Canadian woman, whose work is so really paradigm shifting. Her end, one of her end goals, she would say, is more like satisfaction. but it's not just physical or sexual satisfaction. It can be emotional satisfaction. So many times I'll say to people,

look, you have at least three different models out there, narratives, what sex is. You could say desire ending in orgasm, that's the more traditional one. Okay, nothing wrong with it. If it works you, great. If it works for both, you great. But there are two other ones.

One starts with willingness and ends with pleasure. And another one starts with like a willingness, Basin would say, but ends in satisfaction, which could mean like connection, like emotional connection. So some partners could say, I had a great time with sex Saturday night,

and I'd say, good, tell me about it. They didn't get aroused. They didn't have an orgasm. They touched, they did a lot of touching, kissing, hugging. Maybe their partner got aroused. Maybe their partner came. And for them, the enjoyment and the true kind of pleasure, as Emily might say,

right, to see their partner be pleasure and have an orgasm. So also we talk about in the work that you don't have to always have reciprocal sex every time you do it. That's also a burden. Many couples don't have sex because one of the partners may not want to, let's say, be up for an orgasm or even be able to experience arousal that easily. So they might opt out and have nothing.

And wouldn't it be great if one person would pleasure the other one, that could be complete that night. And doesn't have to mean everybody has orgasms both time or everybody even gets aroused at the same level both times. So to be able to be more fluid there. that way is a real resource for couples. And the couples that you work with is desire, or initiation, better word for this.

Is initiation usually done by a gender over another gender? Is there a biological reason for that? Is it a cultural reason? Is it, because it strikes me, and I don't know, right, because I don't counsel people. But it strikes me is that the males would initiate more than the females. And then what happens in the gay male couple, which

I have no idea. Yeah. We have two males, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think it really, probably most sex therapists would say it's more socially constructed than biologically determined, even though, yes, cisgendered men have more testosterone in their systems than cisgendered women,

let's say. There's a hormonal difference, which can contribute to levels of desire, because testosterone is the desire hormone. And if you have more of that, maybe you might initiate more, because you could feel more quote, horny. But who really initiates or enjoys it? Because people do.

Some people really like both. They like to initiate and they like someone to initiate and be more receptive, right? So some people like both, just like people could like to be a top or a bottom, it's called, right? Take more power, be more aggressive, let's say, or be more receptive or surrendering. I'm saying with initiation. Some people like both roles and would like to share it with a partner. Other people really like being the initiator. They just really enjoy it and others really like being the one who is pursued.

It can break down by gender because certainly our gender scripts talk about narratives are very much right. The man pursues the woman, you know, it's a very old one. The caveman hits her over the head, drags her into the cave. Although a lot of younger folks I'd work with and people who are more gender fluid, non-binary. say that's all those are old scripts and feminists have said that you know and the feminist movement was like they wanted more sexual agency they want more they want to be able to call their shots and if they're with men they'd like their men to be able to submit or surrender

and to be able to play with power in a way and for them to feel it some women love strapping it on and doing their men anally if they would let them you know there could be all these different kinds of ways to play with power and to and I think initiation is there's power in both positions though I don't think just the person who initiates really has more power some people might argue it's actually the person who's seducing the other or or plays the other part that has power but there are gendered scripts and some people buy into those unconsciously and it doesn't work for them and one of the secrets they may share with me might be this isn't working for me

some men let's say might say to me alone heterosexual men I don't like being the initiator all the time, but I feel like my wife or my girlfriend would think I'm less of a man or she might not be as attracted to me if I don't always initiate, but personally I would be happier. That might be a big secret he has to tell me individually that hopefully I could bring into the couple therapy and talk about. And then maybe that woman actually wouldn't mind sharing it too, but she felt he's not, there's so many secrets that couples could be burdened with and they don't share it. with each other. They can be under false kind of assumptions that the partner really needs to maintain a certain type of gender script that actually they can be more fluid about. One of the gender scripts I've heard about, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, is that men often don't like to talk about their feelings with their partner. Why is that? Well, is it true? I think it really is variable. I think that is another one of those gender scripts that, you know, all stereotypes usually have a little bit of truth in them.

Men certainly aren't raised. I don't think, even now, unfortunately, I don't think men are raised to feel like you can really be a man and be masculine and manly and be sensitive and vulnerable and share your feelings. You know, and some women put that burden on men. It's not always men putting that burden on men, like the men have to go and they have to be at the bar and, you know, say how many people did they have sex with this week. Some men have to do that to each other. They want up on each other.

But some women actually make it hard for men to be more vulnerable. So I do think there's some gender. And there's some gender scripts or assumptions that women are emotional messes and, you know, can't contain themselves and aren't tough, right? I'm old enough to remember the feminist movement making a big change in that department that freed women to be able to be more assertive and be able to, you know, women can lead, be a CEO of a company. We don't have to worry that she can't handle it. She can be a mother and be a leader. But we see even now even more contemporary society we still are burdened with.

We haven't had a female president in this country yet, really? And I think partly that is gender scripting about women and being able to be leaders and how many men can really express their vulnerabilities. I think there's still some men that feel like they would be harmed by being that sensitive. So it does play out. But I think that people have pushed against it.

I think the feminist movement has helped. I think also I think the trans movement's really helped because that's sort of throwing gender up in the air and saying, you know, what's gender anyway? Isn't that socially constructed in many ways? I was just thinking about asking you that, what is gender if it's not biological? Well, you know, scientifically we would say there's,

well, I don't know if we'd use the term gender technically. Some people use the word sex for whatever secondary sexual or genetic makeups we are. I don't know if you know Anne Fausto-Stirling's work from Brown University. She's retired now, but she made an argument that there's more than two genders genetically, I mean scientifically. And if you look in the animal kingdom, you know, some animals actually shift gender, some fish, you know, et cetera. So what is gender? Gender, though, as opposed to sex anatomical. or what you're born with, or what some trans activists would say is what we're assigned at birth,

is that gender is socially constructed. And so that part of the argument is, you know, what are we, what do we soon to have to be once we're born? You know, that's one of the first identifiers. Boy, you're a girl. It's a boy, it's a girl, right? It's a very central organizing variable gender in our culture, but it's being deconstructed. And then we treat people differently based on that gender, right? That's right. Parents begin to treat the kids differently right away.

And kids, it's fascinating just to watch children, even in the most gender open places. They get gender very early on. Like some boys would say they'd never wear a pink shirt. You know, it's like, what's wrong with pink? You know? But isn't that funny? Because I think it was like up until 1920, I mean, pink used to be for boys. And then it switched somehow.

That's right. That's right. Yeah, the blue and the pink, beyond blue and pink. Jean Malpast, one of my good friends actually, who leads the gender project at Akraman Family Institute. It talks a lot about beyond the blue and the pink because there's so many people who have given the opportunity to be open-minded and to know that there's nothing wrong with it, would live much more on the continuum as it relates to gender, whether it's gender expression or whether

it's truly how they would identify if they had a choice. and more people are. I think the changes with the trans movement is educating people that there are more than two ways to experience gender. I want to come back to narratives a little bit because we hit on a couple of things, one of which was narratives age off, as in they get replaced. Maybe the male initiating sex is aging off

because you're saying younger couples don't necessarily experience that in the same way. An older person might have a harder time changing that narrative, so that might age off. But a lot of the people that come to see you for couples therapy have a narrative about the relationship, they need to change. Is it a matter of changing perspective? Is it a matter of replacing the narrative? How do you think about that?

It depends on the narrative. Some narratives, when I think about transforming narratives, for some people it means dropping one. Many times it could mean replacing one. Like even with the idea of, let's say, without sexual desire, we're a broken couple. The narratives were a broken couple, one or both of us don't feel desire,

so we can't have sex. Well, if they begin to be even educated, that there are these other models way beyond these older models that don't include desire as a starting point for sex, that narrative can begin to be dropped and replaced.

So there's some couples who leave therapy with me that even can joke about it. They can say, well, what narrative are we going to do this week, honey? Are we doing master's? in Johnson, are we doing Helen Singapore Kaplan? Are we doing Joanne Lulin? Are we doing Rosemary Basel?

You know, and they can joke about it and be fluid about it. Just do each one once a week. That's right. Maybe we'll have sex four times a month each by each model, you know. But truly, to give people alternative narratives that actually can depathologize them, I think is a real gift to a narrative approach. Is it in couple's therapy outside of sex maybe coming back to that a little bit? Is it a matter of saying you're seeing this through one lens,

here's a better lens, and people instantly recognize that? It depends. Because some of the things, like let's say, we have a communication problem as a couple. And then I say, tell me what you mean by communication problem, and give me each of your versions, because they could be different. And let's say, they say, well, what really

they mean by a communication problem is, you like Chinese food, and I like hamburgers. So see, we're not compatible. We shouldn't be together. So sometimes what they mean, is we have a communication problem because he's too different from me and we just can't make it work and then because differences are bad and differences mean we're not compatible so let's say an alternative narrative is actually

differences are to be expected they're not bad and actually even differences could be complementary they don't have to be not compatible you start to unpack how they feel certain differences are mean that we really don't we shouldn't be together and that perhaps it means that we need to normalize differences and maybe learn some skills and how do you manage differences right and they might then change a narrative that we're not so not compatible we don't have to break up or we shouldn't have gotten you know together in the first place so and sometimes that will happen fairly rapidly almost like a cognitive process because part of offering alternative narratives is a cognitive process but then other times

people are very wedded to certain narratives that goes way back. And it can be grounded into family dynamics. It could be grounded into kind of more racial or gender or class or sexual orientation narratives. So often I will find that as I begin to do narrative therapy very early on by starting to deconstruct how they're saying a problem exists and the stories and so forth, some things will shift fairly rapidly, but some will be quite

resistant. And those are the ones that then are usually more deep-seated and might have trauma connected to it, might have other kinds of relational experiences or wounds from childhood, that they're not even conscious, are connected to that narrative or that belief. So that's where you start to unpack the deeper. Or the narrative is constructed in a way that, like, we're not compatible. We shouldn't be together. But the real issue is, like, I don't want to be with you. I just don't want to tell you that. That's right. Or I don't want to be with you. I don't want to be with you, but I'm more afraid of being alone than being with someone I'm happy with. And that's interesting. That sometimes... Too good to leave, too bad to stay.

Yeah, whatever that book is, that's exactly. Some people are terrified of being single. They're really, either they have such low self-esteem, they feel like there's no way they can find anyone else, or they feel like, well, it depends when they're breaking up, but some older folks I'm working with really might not be able to find partners. How would you work with somebody in individual session if that sort of was what was happening if they're more afraid of they're staying with the person because they I mean they're telling their partner one thing which is like here's the problem in our relationship from my point of view their partner may be trying to understand that or may see like other problems in

the relationship but they're not actually surfacing what's really going on in their mind and until they do yeah and there are two levels to that sometimes some people really don't even really let themselves know it. So sometimes, let's say that fear of I'm really with him or her because I really would rather not be alone, they don't even know yet. And it impacts over time as we do more layered work and as we're really taking the content of each thing they're unhappy about, we try and make it better. And sometimes you could see each thing gets better, but a half of the couple might not still be more committed and more happy. That can give you a clue that there could

be still something about this person really doesn't want to be here, but they might not have known it. So for some people, they really didn't know that, and they don't know it until they really do the work, and then they really realize this just isn't enough. It's not going to work, almost like the horse is already out of the barn. Other people do know it, but they can't say it, either because they can't devastate the partner, or they are too frightened for themselves. And, you know, I don't minimize that. Like for some people, then, a lot of their work needs to be to understand what's so awful about being alone. And for some people for whom they really will stay in such an unhappy relationship, because

the alternative is so much worse, they need to do that. That's sometimes, if I'm the couple therapist, I'd probably refer them to individual therapy, because it might be a much deeper issue that I can't do as the couple therapist. But I don't think it's my job necessarily to force that person to have to say that to a partner when they're still in the process of not even knowing why they're so terrified to be alone, because maybe if they work on that issue individually, they may be able to come back and want to recommit to the relationship. You never know how an issue like that, a reason, might unpack differently

once a person does more deep work individually. I want to walk through two things that we just hit on there, one of which is when a couple decides that it's over, or one partner, I guess, has ultimately decided it's over. Okay. And the other partner, didn't? Well, I mean, the relationship has ended. Walk me through the ways to end a relationship.

There must be pros and better ways to do that. How do you do that in a way that is respectful and sort of honest with the other person and sets yourself up for the best possible future, especially if you have kids, you have to deal with them? That's always a bigger. And then I want to take the opposite approach. And I want to say, okay, well, we've been in therapy. hypothetically for two and a half years. And we want to reconnect.

We've decided that we're going to do this and we've worked through some of these issues. It doesn't happen. I'm imagining it doesn't happen overnight. What is that first step and what is the second step? And how does that look like for building that relationship back to maybe where it was when you get married? Many times, even a couple therapists can feel like

the breakup is a failure. And I think that's a narrative that's really one to be dealt with as people are trying to decide or person wants to leave that relationship, they think it's over, that some people won't say that it's over because they don't want to feel the failure of it. Yeah, I think a lot of people, you know, my friends and other people have that narrative wrapped in their head, which is divorce means failure, and I've never failed at anything. That's right.

That's right. And they feel shame about it. Yeah. And they even play in their whole, everybody we have to tell and they have to come out about it. And then if there are kids involved, it's even worse, you know, especially if it's little kids. When I get divorced, that was the hardest thing for me to overcome was. that this narrative, that divorce means failure. Yeah.

Sometimes that's another narrative I try and help them transform, especially in a relationship that really had real substance, you know, even though it wound up, is that some people come together really for certain reasons, good reasons. And they really grew together, and they really produced whatever. And sometimes it could be the kids or it could be other things. And then sometimes the growth isn't going to go anywhere anymore.

and actually could be going in an opposite direction. It could be a really positive thing, right? You had these, you know, 30 years together, and they were amazing and you have really good memories, but now it's time to. And it's so moving. I try and help people with that frame to offer that frame, and for them to, if they can shift to a point of saying,

you know what, I really can see why you were in my life. If I, even though we're getting divorced, I would still do it this way. That is an incredible, that would be like, one of the best endings because, you know, you could say whether this is a spiritual way of thinking about or whatever, soulmates, whatever, but there, you know, there are certain people come into your life, even friends, not just, you know, partners, but that who really are there who really, through the ups and downs, are real teachers. And for some couples, they really

can say that they're real teachers, but, you know, the lessons need to be done either in it, not together anymore. And even part of the lesson can be to be able to be, able to separate well. And for many people, I think if they feel like, even if one person is really initiating it more, which is always more painful, obviously. Or if one person wants to leave the other doesn't, that's really tough.

But in whatever way, I can help them stay in a room enough to understand how come and to be able, whatever was good, be able to still be part of the separation process, to bring that good that was there when they were both happy to the separation process. that's a gift they can give each other. And some people get there to be able to do it. Even the person who could sit there,

sometimes a half of a couple might want to see me a little after a divorce or the couple of therapy ends, especially the one that didn't want to break up because they want to sit and help me understand even more of how do they go forward with this and what could they learn from it? Because sometimes the person who leaves the relationship was more ready to give up the relationship

than the person who gets the bad news, right? So, you know, not everybody comes to that end in the same way. I often think, and incorrectly perhaps, but there's a date the marriage ends, and then there's a date that you sort of separate, and those are not necessarily the same date. That's right. And even there's some people that are now moving on and they're still connected. All these years later, they become, you know, sometimes in the gay community, they'll say that that they never do break up.

I mean, they break up, but then they're at the Thanksgiving table. And sometimes I think that's true, especially with older gay folks for whom coming out meant they lost their families of origin. They were either cut off or whatever, so they created a friendship family. So that if a partner is that important to you and then you break up, some people aren't going to give up their friendship just because they're now not partners anymore. And some heterosexual couples are that way, too. They just, as they're breaking up, because they really have to, like, sex can be a breaking point. Like if you wind up with one partner who still is quite sexual, it's just sexuality is important to them,

with truly a partner who says, I could care less if I ever have sex again in my life, and there's nothing wrong with that too. Or they could be asexual, by the way. Asexuality doesn't get enough attention in our society, because I think some people don't even know they're asexual, and they get labeled sexually dysfunctional because they don't, you know, sex isn't a major variable for them,

for attraction. They still want to be partnered, but just sex isn't it. But anyway, you have the highly sexual person with the person who really, it's a very low valence so they could care less. And the highly sexual person says, I love this person, but I don't know if I want to live the rest of my life, non-sexual. Now, maybe they can go into other alternatives, like can you have an open relationship, can, you know, consensual non-monogamy, polyamory, you know, what's possible. Does that work in your experience, open relationships? I'm sure you've seen that a lot. Yeah, I do.

I see it more and more now, actually, than I used to. do. Is that healthy? Does it cause anxiety? Is there security and safety issues? Like, how do you? Well, what I often tell people is, this isn't a moral question. It's like, it's a high maintenance activity if you're going to do it well. Because imagine, even like the way I think of it, right, if all sex is group sex just with two people, now throw in a girlfriend or a boyfriend or throw in like, you know, whatever, someone is going to be, you have your boyfriend and your husband at the Thanksgiving table. Now you've got three sets of, you know, histories to cope with, or four or five.

So certainly I think it's more complicated. They're more moving parts. I think it does at least consciously make people have to deal with jealousy much more upfront. They have to deal with envy more upfront, competition. These are tough feelings to have in general. But I don't think that either form of relationship is inherently more or less healthy.

I do think some therapists believe that. They believe that people who are in open relationships, or polyamorous arrangements are less mature. You know, I've heard some colleagues say, oh, that person just wants to have their cake and eat it too. Why can't they just live with the changes? You know, what you have to give up to be monogamous? And I don't see it that way.

I see it as actually more challenging, I think, to have an open relationship for all those reasons. You know, how are you going to navigate that material? If you're going to do it with integrity. And you need both partners, obviously, and on that. Well, what's really challenging you sometimes is that in some couples, one person really wants,

let's say, polyamory, but the other person doesn't. Well, that could be tricky. You know, both people want the same thing. Sometimes that could be a little easier, but one person may want the outside recreational sex or boyfriend or girlfriend in addition to the spouse, and the other doesn't. That could be tricky.

I mean, it's not doable, but it takes a lot of consciousness, integrity, honesty, trust. And some people can pull that off. Some primary couples will say, this open relationship made me even more committed to my partner, even more trusting of my partner, even stronger. So it's not always an exit ramp. Some people are afraid it's an exit ramp. But I do a lot of assessment.

If a couple comes to me saying they want to open relationship, I do so much assessment that by the time they're finished with it, they might say, who knows if we're even going to know. But, you know, I'll do histories, all those sexual histories before I do it, and the family histories. I mean, I want them to be conscious if they're going to make the choice, right? I don't want to lose the threat. I want to come back to sort of, is there anything else that stands out in terms of separating in the best possible ways that strike you as good practices and then reconnecting? Yeah, the good practices part, you know, the separating in the better world.

We hope that eventually would they be able to stay in a room long enough, especially the person for whom, let's say, they don't want to break up, to be able to tolerate that level of hurt or rejection or whatever, to be able to say, what can I learn from this, including the pain of being left. That's pretty amazing. Some people can do that. I always think that everything in life is a learning experience,

probably the most terrible experiences are our best learning experiences. So if a couple can stay in an office long enough, once the writing's on the wall that this isn't going to work, and get the most they can get out of it, including how does one separate from a bond that was so meaningful, that's pretty good stuff. And some people can do it, some people can't. The minute there's the least bit of an indication they're out of there,

like people get up and run out of my office or say that's it. I mean, yeah, I've seen it all. Some people can't tolerate it. And, you know, I don't cast judgment about that. It's just that, you know, people have different levels of capacity. It's like their narrative is shattering right in front of your eyes. That's terrible, yeah. Whether it's the failure narrative or whether it's the rejection narrative or whether it's the guilt narrative.

Sometimes the person who is breaking up, they can't tolerate staying in the room because they feel too guilty about it. But I try and create the biggest container I can. And sometimes I might even say, hey, I know this might feel too much now, but how about maybe you each meet with me individually next week, right? Why don't we have two individual sessions and come back then the next week and maybe you can come back in the office as a couple and talk more about how to break up? You know, so I try and figure out different ways to still make a big enough container for people to learn as much as they can and make for the best breakup. If kids are involved, then it's even more so really important if they're little kids because it's how are you going to help the kids not feel guilty, not feel like it's their fold? In a way, though, couldn't that be positive because then you turn your attention onto the kids, like what's best for the kids and like it refocuses a lot of that. Some people can.

In fact, that having a kid in the picture really can give them the strength. to stay there and really tough out the really difficult conversations. All right. That's a lot of doom and gloom. Let's go to like reconnecting. Yeah, now we're reconnecting. Yay. Yeah, well, still, whatever the crisis was,

if there was a crisis that brought them to the brink of thinking they were going to break up, let's say an affair could be a typical one, but anything else. And then to slowly say what needs to be repaired? You know, and often I will tell couples, I give this notion of, from analytic work, you know, There's rupture and repair in almost any authentic relationship. Like it's really important to develop your tolerance for disappointment, both to be disappointed by your partner and to disappoint your partner. So many people have such a hard time allowing disappointment to be part of a really healthy,

authentic relationship. So when I talk about authenticity, I said, if you're really authentic, you're going to hurt each other, not even intentionally, but unintentionally. Even if it's because of your own wounds or your own unconscious conflicts, you haven't dealt with. And it's about what you do after you hurt that person. Exactly. I always tell people the real strength is how do you recover from something, not the fact that you already had the fight or the, or the rupture. But how do you recover? How fast you recover, how well, what are your skills to recover? What are the common recovery skills, if you will? Listening is a really, that helps. A lot of

people can't listen very well, I notice, in general, in society, but in couples. You know, when a partner's starting to say things that trigger us, some people have to have the retort ready. So by the time they're, even if they don't interrupt, some people will just interrupt and shut up the partner or talk over them or start yelling or fighting. But let's say they don't do that. In their minds, they could already be developing the retort.

They're not even listening to what the partner said in the first place. So there's like a very common kind of couple dialogue that couple therapists can do that speaker listener method. You've probably heard of it, but where you just forced the couple to say, all right, you know, John has five minutes, and Mike has to be quiet and let John speak, right? And you can't say anything, Mike. And then after John stops, you have to paraphrase back to John what he said. So John knows you understand.

And that to show empathy or to show understanding doesn't mean you're agreeing with what your partner said. You're only demonstrating that you heard him or her, that you listened to them. So that expressing like empathy or understanding doesn't mean I agree with you because then you'll have your chance to say what your perspective is, your subjectivity is, which could be very different. And then the other partner gets to hear you out and not interrupt you and not be creating the retort, you know, the response, but instead to be listening. So listening is a big skill. And then, of course, speaking's a skill. How do you say your truth in the most constructive way? you know sometimes we'll say use i statements don't say you once a partner's going to say you

i get prepared because it's like you're probably not going to be saying something good but you do this yes you're this you're that you do this you don't do that instead of i need so sometimes i'll say you know instead of making a comment about your partner how about saying what a need that you're having right now so let's switch to the comment about your partner you never listened to me to the need. You know what? I really need more attention from you when you come home from work. I really need you to hear out how my day was. It's so different to say an I need as opposed to you are or you're not. Yeah. So I kind of help them. It's almost like you're at the UN, you know, you're trying to teach translation skills. So it's like, could you just share it this way as opposed to that way?

And you'd be surprised how changing from a you to an eye can make a big difference. So listening, how you say things, how to fight well, John Gottman, a great couple of therapists. It talks about fighting fair. What is just fighting fair? Well, fighting unfair, we know what that can be, right? You know, like some of it would be, you know, the attack, you know, and, you know, using contempt, you know, to be aware of the things that people, sarcasm, there are many things you can say in a fight that really isn't fair. You know, it's really. Passive aggressive.

Yeah, it's meant to harm. You know, there's a difference between expressing anger. when you do X, I feel so angry because it's different than you're so selfish. You know, you're so into your own thing. You don't care about me, you know, making big statements about another person. So it really breaks down anger for it to be much clearer about what you need. Because almost behind every attack is behind anger is usually hurt. And by underneath most attacks is usually.

an unmet need and if you can help people shift from those more aggressive ways of being that are harmful to being able to be more vulnerable. Vulnerability is a tough one to get people into but it really people can be vulnerable and really speak from the heart the truth they can get to a lot of a way to work out a conflict and they could even if they're very different underneath all with all that vulnerability they can find I often say how about just think of the Venn diagram. There you are, there you are. Let's find the overlap in the Venn diagram. What we need is a little space in here to start feeling like is it possible. But when you do enough couple therapy, if the Venn diagram stays with the two big circles and there isn't

even like a little inch that's overlapping, that's when sometimes it means really? Is that mean that this, we can't find a little space for the Venn diagram to stay together? Okay, let's talk about it. Why not? Why can't we find a little overlap? Let's preventing the overlap. What are the things that couples can do proactively? Perhaps they don't feel like they need therapy and their relationship is going well, but they don't want to be complacent about that. What are the things that they can do that would make their...

I'm really glad you say they're not complacent because I find sometimes when I do histories to find out what weren't wrong, you know? Like a lot of times it's important to ask, well, you had sex so well for the first five years, what happened, right? Or you used to really enjoy each other and have fun, what happened? And I'm always interested, when did it stop happening? When did the funds stop? Or why do you think the fun stop?

So maintenance, many people take relationships for granted, I think. Almost like we do with everything. We take our health for granted. There are a lot of things we could take for granted. But I talk to especially when kids come into the picture. Some people become so child-focused that they lose that there's another thing that needs to be nurtured. I often say to couples with kids, the relationship's another child. don't have one child, you have two. It's called your child named Mary, and then you have

a marital relationship to still nurture. And people don't get that. A relationship has to be nurtured. You have to water it like a plant. It isn't just to be taken for granted. And I think too many people just think, oh, we're in love, we were in love, we got married, we had kids, or we're committed. What, you know, he should know why, so many people say, she should know why love her. I said, no, how about telling her if you love her? People never are too old to feel, you know, like, I like to hear I still look good or I love you or I appreciate you. Yeah. You know, so sometimes I'll tell couples you get into bed before you pass out.

How about just one word of gratitude? I'm just saying, I'm so happy you're still in my life. I love your sense of humor. You know, you really make me laugh when I feel so bad when I felt bad. One word, and then you can pass out, even if you have five kids. You know, it's like, how do you nurture that relationship? The 80-year-olds who are still doing well, they never forgot to be grateful and appreciative

of their relationship. And that's very important. And people don't often think that they need to nurture. Just falling in love is not the end of the story. It's the beginning of a story. It's the beginning of a process. It's not the end. And too many people I think will walk down the aisle

or moving together or whatever commitment means to them and they think, oh, I did it now. Now I have my partner for life. life, phew, that one's done. Check it off the list. And no, actually, now the fun begins. This is when you really need to, you know, some people take care of the cars more than their relationships. They're buffing it up and they bring it in for, you know, like a tune-up and hardly anyone. So dates are important, date nights, whether there's sex date nights or just date dates or if you don't have money, it doesn't mean you have to go out. There's a lot

of ways to have fun at home. But to really nurture. the relationship is really important. I think that's a great place to end this. Thank you so much. Okay. It was fun. Thanks. You can find show notes on this episode,

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