The Livy Method Podcast - Let's Talk Thought Patterns and Weight Loss with Dr. Beverley David - Winter 2024

Episode Date: April 8, 2024

In this episode, recorded on February 8, 2024, Gina talks thought patterns and weight loss with Dr. Beverley David. Dr. Beverley is a Clinical Psychologist registered with the College of Psychologists of Ontario. She also holds a Ph.D. in Sleep Research (Insomnia) and a Master's in Health Psychology.You can find the full video hosted at:https://www.facebook.com/groups/livymethodwinter2024Topics covered:Introducing Dr. Beverley DavidAddressing the inner dialogue when our history informs our present.Food is powerful!Family, culture, and the varied ways we use food to communicate, celebrate, and beyond.Let's talk about how we can change our negative thoughts about the scale.Catastrophizing, snowballing, and spiralling: how we can catch ourselves in these thought traps.I'm doing all the things....so, what am I doing wrong?Would you talk to a friend that way? When scolding, berating, and punishing ourselves are used as a form of motivation.We are learning emotional regulation that doesn't harm ourselves.Learning to be healthy is a lifelong journey.Are you festering in your funk? Try using the 3 C's - Capture, Cancel, Correct.Teasing apart our beliefs and the reality of losing weight.Let's do it! Suspending belief and going for it.Willpower is not enough; we need to plan it and do it and get back on track when we are off.Planting seeds of doubt? How sabotage can become the struggle we start to focus on.We're so vulnerable. What if I fail?High expectations followed by disappointment. What's this all about?"This is not a sprint, it's a journey"Building up confidence and being strong on the inside when we choose to speak about our choices.Distinguishing between negative beliefs, past traumas and the difference between Big T and Little t events.Comfort from food as a way to cope with negative thoughts.Practicing the 3 C's by slowing ourselves down with a conscious pause.Dealing with thought traps, word prisons, personalization and other ways we get stuck in negative thinking.Mindfulness takes practice and presence.Try a FEAR plan: Feeling, Expectation, Attitude/Belief + Actions, Reward.Where to find Dr. Beverley DavidFind Dr. Beverley:https://www.yourpsychologycentre.ca/@drdrbeverleyTo learn more about The Livy Method, visit www.ginalivy.com. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I'm Gina Livy and welcome to the Livy Method podcast. This is where you'll have access to all of the live streams from my 91 day weight loss program. With a combination of daily lives, guest expert interviews and member stories, there is something new almost every day. Miss the morning live? Want to re-listen to one of our amazing guest experts? Well, this is the place. This podcast is hosted on Acast, but it's available on all podcast platforms, including the one you're listening to right now, Spotify, Apple,

and Amazon Music. You're going to have this ability to now reframe. Allow yourself time throughout the day to stress the fuck out. The thoughts and the feelings and the behavior cycle can start changing. Losing weight, getting it all back. Losing weight, getting it all back. Losing weight again, getting it all back. Starving, depriving, berating, feeling like a failure. We all know that the diet industry sucks and it has done a number on so many of us, but we are really here to talk about that today and really dive right into it. When we say the diet industry sucks and it's

really caused harm to people, what does that mean? Joining me today to have this discussion is Dr. Beverly David, clinical psychologist, the most amazing person on the planet. I saw people rolling through the comments. They're so excited. They're ready for their therapy session. They're ready to get into it. Hi, hello, and welcome. Me too. Yes. Hi, hello, and welcome. Me too. Yes. Hi, hello, and welcome. I'm discombobulated because it's Thursday, and I always see you on a Tuesday, so I'm a little bit lost. It's like hockey morning, and I was like, what? So I tried to do my hair, and now I look like a doll.

Oh, you look gorgeous. I'm sorry, Jean. You look gorgeous. Capture, cancel, correct that. You look gorgeous. Well, I should say thank you, shouldn't I'm sorry, Gina. You look gorgeous. Capture, cancel, correct that. Well, I should say thank you, shouldn't I? I should model. Thank you, Gina. No, it's nice to see that. It's nice to have, I mean, it's what I love about our guests.

They're very real. You know, like people think you're a psychologist. You should be able to have your shit together. Everything is fine. You got it going on. So it's nice to see you feeling a little bit like a hot mess. I won't show you my slippers. Right. Let's get into it yet because it was brilliant. So many brilliant comments. And I love talking about thoughts and how they trip us up and how they trap us. So, yes, where do you want to start, Gina, today?

So we are week four of the program. This is the one week, downsizing, as you know, is the one week that is most like a diet because the goal is to eat slightly less than what you've been eating in the previous weeks. Even though you're eating, you know, five, six, some people are using bonus snacks eight times a day, super nutrient-rich food, by no means is anyone starving or depriving themselves. But the concept of eating slightly less and eating slightly less after eating to satisfaction the last few weeks can mess with your hunger levels and people feel hungry. They feel like they don't have enough food.

They're leaving food on their plates. It's making them feel uncomfortable. There's food waste issues or food feel uncomfortable. There's food waste issues, their food scarcity issues, there's all of that. But the bigger one I want to tackle first is that space in your brain. The what am I going to eat? What am I not going to eat? Why did I eat this? Do I eat too much? Do I do that? I'm a failure. I'm never I'm not getting this. I'm never going to be able to lose my weight like that, that negative dialogue that we have going on in our brain. I remember that from when I, you know, when I was carrying an extra hundred pounds before I lost my weight.

And actually it took me a while for it to go away. I remember that space in my brain where I was constantly ragging on myself and thinking I was just like the worst person on the planet. I mean, besides weight loss, I know people do this. There's mom guilt, you know, there's, there's all sorts of reasons that we're hard on ourself. But let's let's focus it on dieting. And sort of like, how do we how does our let's start with how does our past history shape how we speak to ourselves? Start just that. That's a good. If only I knew how to put it in just a nutshell. But we know that our family of origins matter. So we know that when I talk about predisposing factors, that's the early on things that happen in our life as we're developing, as we're, you know, we might not even be communicating with language yet, but we're communicating. We're watching.

We're hearing. We're noticing, we're even observing patterns in our own kitchens with our mums and our dads and maybe our siblings. So there's a lot being communicated to us. And that inside voice, often we used to refer to it as the mother's tongue, but we know that we are influenced by more than just our mother's voice. We're influenced by whoever is our caregiver, perhaps our grandparents, our coaches, our teachers. And when we us, if it's our mother or a father talking about, you know, their own weight, or that, you know, valuing, I suppose, success or beauty because of something, we're going to be hearing that we're also going to be hearing, you know, eat up this children starving in this world. You're ungrateful. I made this food sit

there till it's finished. Or, you know, eat your crust so that you get hair on your chest, all of these sort of things that we will have heard. I just, we're like a sponge, we're soaking up all of this information, and it goes in this implicit memory and explicit memory implicit is the memories we don't we can't remember we were so little it was before we had language but they're in us they're in our body so if we were sat there and forced to to just look at food until we finished we're going to have sort of words around that i must finish or i must sit here and or I'm naughty you know um and then there's the explicit memories where now we remember it you know if you finish your plate I'll take a picture of you and if you don't then you know you're going up straight up to bed things like

that so food is quite powerful we need it know, we need it as human beings. So we need substance. We need nutrition. And, you know, it's one of the first things we do when we're born. We suckle. So we it's very important from the beginning for us to thrive. And then for parents, it's really tricky because they're being messaged constantly. I don't know what it's like over here but when I when we were literally in Britain you'd have your little red book and the little red book would be measuring you know is your baby on the right sort of path to thrive you know have you met weights have you met this you know the height or the length of the baby there's a lot of pressure to be thinking am I doing am I doing well enough?

You know, am I making enough milk? If I'm not making enough milk, am I picking a formula? Have I picked the right formula? What do people think about breast versus bottle? Like it's really stressful. You know, stressful for our mums when they were doing it with the information that they had.

And then as the little people, we're learning this. And of course, we've heard in previous weeks, the words that have hurt us, you know, if you don't look like that, you're not going to be a dancer. Or if you don't look like that, you know, you know, you're not going to find somebody, you know, so we're listening to this all the time. Well, because when you're young, I mean, this is why children believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, because they believe they believe us. They you when you're young, you believe, though, the grownups in your life. And so you you're taught to listen to them. You're taught to do what they say.

And you just trust that what they're telling you is the truth. And so when you're hearing all these things, you know, that what they're telling you is the truth. And so when you're hearing all these things, you know, that has an impact on you. Even, you know, we've talked to so many people who have, you know, been dieting, they were put in Weight Watchers when they were 12. And they all have a, they all have a story of their, of their mom or their, their parents or people on their, in their family struggling with their weight. Like it goes way back. And it, so it's beyond your, even your parent having a weight issue. It's all the little things that they have said to you, you know, and then like you said, how we use food for so many things, you know, some families it's like how you show love. Like

Tony's family is like, you sit at the dinner table, you don't talk, you just eat. And how they show love is by providing food. And then you have some cultures where you are blessed enough to have an abundance of food. So here you go, we must eat it. And then you have other people who were raised, you know, whose parents dealt with real, like food scarcity issues where they like food was hard to find food. And so there's a lot of fields, there's a lot going on that's been passed on from generation to generation to generation. And you know, I love just sort of highlighting that it's not just dieting, it goes back, your issues with food go way back beyond dieting, dieting just made it a whole lot worse. Because dieting was all about

starving yourself, depriving yourself, you know, disconnecting from yourself. And then when you did lose the weight and then you gained it back plus more, you were the whole diet industry tells you that that's your fault, right? Like you say, it's your fault.. Like the diet is wonderful because it worked and it's your fault and you suck because you gained it back when the reality is, is that the diet, the diet was never sustainable to begin with. Okay. So how do we change those negative thoughts? Like, let's, let's start with this. Let's talk about the scale. Cause that's a big one because I think the scale is just like a big messenger. Just it's great for bringing up all the fields, just like downsizing brings up the fields. The scale can bring up the fields every day. So someone gets on the scale. They're here in week five. They're doing all the things they got on the scale today. They've been working really hard and the scale is up and it's normal for the scale to go up before it goes down. But this sets the tone for their whole day. Oh my God, my weight is up. Even though it's, it's, it can be a good thing to have your weight

go up before it drops. Cause it means it's, it's on its way down doing all the things and they should be nothing but super proud and excited and happy for themselves. But they get on the scale, their weight is up or it's the same. And they're just like, this isn't working for me. And I'm a failure and I, you know, I might as well quit. And then they, then they're in like, this isn't working for me. And I'm a failure. And I, you know, I might as well quit. And then they, then they're in such a funky mood that Sally brings donuts into the office. And then they eat a donut because they're like, fuck it. It's not working anyway. And they just evolve.

And then they feel like shit. And they're going to bed thinking they're the worst person on the planet. And they get up the next day. And if that scale isn't down, it just kind of repeats. So how do we even start to change that? That was an incredible thought journal. That's a good example of how we will spiral. You know, that could be called catastrophizing or that could be called snowballing. So we want to catch our own typical thought traps, you know, because they're there.

We can have particular ones. And the first way to change anything is to notice it, you know. So we're also noticing the number on the weighing scale. The reason we're noticing it so that we have information, just the same as collecting the data. And I'm a big believer in collecting data. What are your thoughts? You know, can you catch it? Can you think, oh my goodness, I saw it. And I thought, oh my God, my weight is up. This is not working because you've now fortune told. You've said, no, I am seeing into the future. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to. And that's based on

probably past experience. And we know that we're very, we listen to past experience, but it doesn't mean it's going to happen. Just because we've had a thought doesn't mean it's going to come real. Just because I think I'm going to win the lottery doesn't mean I'm going to win the lottery. But you spoke beautifully then about the the next part of the cycle the the thought comes probably simultaneously with that dread feeling in our physical body like oh the scale's up or it hasn't moved so we jump to our conclusion our physical body feels i suck and then you went on to sort of show the domino effect that then they think well well, I knew I wasn't going to succeed at this anyway. So now we're whipping ourselves.

By telling ourselves off, that's just the same as somebody else telling us off. We're going to put ourselves into threat. We've scolded ourselves. We don't feel good if we're scolded. Our cortisol goes up. Our clever brain turns off and we want to feel better. Now, what do we do to feel better? We do anything to feel better as human beings.

So we'll seek something out to soothe us. Now, sometimes that's food. Sometimes it's something else. But it often makes us feel better in the short term because we're like, there, I've shown them I'm going to have the donut anyway. But then comes that after bit where then the thoughts start coming again. I'm a failure. I didn't right my ship. You know, I've derailed. Why does this always happen?

OK, it's not good enough. I'm going to quit and join the next the next Gina Levy program. And so then our behavior starts to perpetuate the problem. Instead of thinking, catch it, catch that thought, catch the feeling, look at it. You know I say catch it, cancel it, correct it. I might be more gentle with the cancel it. I might say catch it, be curious with it, challenge it. And then if you know this is my thought pattern, I'm an all or nothing thinker, I'm a black and white thinker, I am stuck in this prison. And it doesn't need to be true, because then we want to challenge it by

saying, is this 100% true? 100% of the time? Am I a failure? 100% of the time? No. Okay, so then you get to correct it, you think, hang on, if I was talking to a friend, if I was talking to myself, when I'm being kind and compassionate, and caring all the C's, there's so many C's, then hopefully, we feel a little bit better. And hopefully, we give ourselves a little little slack and we say, I'm learning. I'm learning how to do this. And I don't want to beat myself up for it. Because if you shouted at a little person that fell off their bike every time they tried, they're never going to want to ride that bike. You know, and that's the same as a shouting at ourselves every time we've done what we think is the wrong thing. Because who told us it was wrong?

Who told us it was wrong to have it? We get that a lot, right? I'm doing all of the things, but what am I doing wrong? I'm like, we're not doing anything wrong just because the scale isn't down yet. It's just like that's their immediate go-to. Or they've lost weight already and then they had one little thing and then their scale is up the next day. And they're just like, I'm so frustrated. I'm just like, you know, they can't go on.

And it's some really big feels. So, so this is like, there's a couple of things I want to, I want to say here, because yeah, when you get on the scale in the morning, like whatever you're thinking in your head, imagine if your friend was on the scale beside you, like, would you say that to them? No, you wouldn't. And your body responds is from what I've learned, your body responds the same way when you say something to yourself as if someone else was saying it to you. So it's, it's the same thing. Um, so the other thing that people do is that why do we feel like scolding ourselves and berating ourselves is going to motivate us?

Like, it's like when you get on the scale and we schooled ourselves, we berate ourselves or we eat, we eat the thing, right. That was supposed to bring us joy that we wanted to eat. And then we berate ourselves for hours after the next day, then we start to deprive ourselves as punishment. Why do we berate and punish ourselves, thinking that that is going to motivate us? I'm assuming it's tied to our past. It can be.

It can definitely be tied to what we've heard, what we've seen, but also what we think about getting away with things. We might be misguided in thinking that when we're kind to ourselves, we've all heard it. You know, you're making a rod out of your own back. You know, oh, they're not going to learn. You know, there's got to be a consequence. So when I tell people to be gentle with themselves, they think they're letting themselves get away with it. And then they might have belief systems around that and schemas around, well, if I let myself get away with it, then I'm going to eat the box of donuts tomorrow.

Actually, we've got to test this hypothesis. We've got to think, hang on, let me see. more or does it actually lead me to not need as much and be okay with exactly where I am and exactly what I ate and be able to be more grounded and mindful and reset the next day because that I think when I talk to people about that when I say it's okay we're all human they they worry they worry they're like well if if you let me do that, then I'm never going to stop. You know, but even when I'm working with OCD or anything, even, I don't want to upset anybody, but even self-harm, I'm not going to say, stop it, don't do it. Because if I say that, the urge is greater. I want to say, of course you can, but I need to teach you how to do it

safely. I need to teach you how to do it cleanly. And I need to teach you other ways instead of that as well. How can I help you learn emotional regulation that doesn't include harming yourself? And of course, food can be exactly that. could harm us we can we can be you doing it and it hurts us too much of anything you know too much of anything and too little of everything can be self-harm so we want to think of course you can have it don't think it's in the cupboard and i can't i can't i can't it's in there you can have it if you want but now be mindful and it's it's nice that you're doing the mindful um uh moments at the moment to be thinking you know do i want it am i full why did i want it am i emotional am i hungry am i tired is it because everybody else is having one

that mindfulness invite it in. Be curious. But depriving ourselves is the quickest way to be like, hmm, it's there. I can't have it. Now I want it. Now you want it even more. Okay, there's a lot going on here. There's that negative dialogue. There's belief, sabotage, willpower. I want to, I want to get into differentiating those.

So I get on the scale and I'm like immediately funky about it. I'm like, right. And then I start going like, Oh my God, I'm just like, this isn't working. And I'm a failure and whatever. So first of all, I'm capturing what I'm feeling. I'm capturing the fact that I've gotten on the scale. It's made me feel funky and I'm noticing I'm capturing what I'm feeling. I'm capturing the fact that I've gotten on the scale. It's made me feel funky and I'm noticing. I'm immediately starting to go into that negative dialogue. So that's capturing it. Canceling it would be like, okay, it's the scale isn't up because I'm off eating all

the wrong things or doing whatever. Like I'm actually doing all the things that I need to do, right? Like maybe the scale is up because like Gina says, it's normal for the scale to go up. Maybe it's up because I did a workout yesterday and my muscles are sore. So that's canceling it. It's not, it's not up because the canceling is thinking, what type of thought is this? And is it real? You know, does this mean I failed? No, it just means it's just a number. I haven't failed, you know, just because it's a bit like saying somebody's had a midterm grade and the midterm grade isn't the final grade. But if they go, well, I failed, I failed. Yeah.

So then they go into. Yeah. And you've got a whole, you know, two months left till your final exam to do to learn to think okay well let's look at my midterm I think I was you know I don't think I did that or I didn't understand that concept we tweak we tweak we don't say yeah that's it give up school we don't just throw in the towel so it's the same every day that we go on to the scales we want to think this is just a midterm this is how am i doing how where am i at there's plenty of time because i'm on i'm on a trip you know we're doing this i know it's probably might be daunting for people but this is a forever thing it's learning how to be healthy forever you know it's learning how to be mindful about what we eat forever it doesn't mean you go without That's why it's a nice program.

It's everything in moderation, timed nicely so your body knows it's coming. Just think of it, data, and I don't want to throw out my chance of getting there because right now it triggers something. And it's never little. You said there'll be one little thing, And we all know that that one little thing is enough, isn't it, to go in. Because our brain is hypervigilant. When something matters this much to us, we are tuned in. You know, when we might be thinking of wanting a baby, we're going to spot every baby.

When we're thinking about, you know, moving, everybody else has got the house when we think it's our brain looks well and then it discards other information that's the other trouble yeah I you know it's interesting because I want to talk to you about that today that is your brain lets in what you want to focus on and so if you just are festering in your funk you're festering on the scale not moving festering on this festering on that you just constantly stay in this this you just sit there and fester in your funk and there's like no you're just stuck there yeah and there's no movement there so name it somebody that would find that would name it they catch it they can't slip or challenge it by going aha i've got my

negative filter on. And when I'm working with my adolescents or children, I don't have my glasses. I'll say, have you got your negative glasses on? Like, let's take them off. Let's put them away. Because if you're in a negative filter, you're going to only let that negative information in. That one person in that conference of 5,000, the one person that looks like they're nodding off, you think you suck, but you've forgotten to look at everybody else that's just eager, you know, so we want to be mindful of that. And so you want to look for the other evidence you want,

and that's the correct it. You want to think, okay, it pulled me into this bit but what's the other evidence okay have I been more energized have I been um playing more with my kids have I been able to keep more focus on work for longer like what are the other things in your day in your week in your month yeah the non-scale victories that are showing that you are feeling better because ultimately isn't that the goal I suppose it's the why remember everybody has their why but I hope that's in there intrinsic reward feeling better feeling in touch like getting to know themselves I love it capture cancel correct what about? Because is belief the same as negative dialogue? Because people believe, for example, that when the scale goes up, they've really gained

weight when that's just not, it's not real life is if you're following the program, you're doing the things it's we, we tell people, we show people it's so normal for to see fluctuations for so many reasons because they're weighing every day whereas before when they were on a diet they they probably just weighed when they felt like their weight was down so they missed all those little ups and downs and they truly believe that they're getting the weight back by just eating healthy food and so that's not at all real life but people believe believe that. So, you know, I can say it a million times. Oh, it's so normal for the scale to go up before it drops. I'm doing everything I swear. And the scale is up today. What am I doing wrong? This isn't working for me.

And yet it's so normal. I even posted on Sunday, an example of someone's real life scale. And I showed all the ups right before the downs. And so many of them showed their downs. It was a great graph. Right. But it's that belief that if you, the diet industry makes us believe if the, if your weight goes up, you've actually gained real weight. They make us believe that if you're on a plateau, it means your diet is no longer working for you. You need to eat even less exercise more. So the diet industry has sort of made us believe that, you know, we can lose the weight, but we can never maintain and sustain it. So how do we get past that belief, and actually believe that the scale

is up, because it's going to go down, actually believe that if you lose your weight, you're going to be able to sustain it? How do you? how do you work against that? Because that's a pretty strong belief for people. It's huge, isn't it? Because believing for a lot of people has to be seeing, you know, it's, we can tell people things can happen, but if they haven't seen it with their own eyes, they won't believe it. But I guess that's where I'd invite them to just believe in the, in the small bits, you know, to believe in the small wins, the small changes, because that's going to help us stay where we're at and get to our destination. Because we're just not there straight away. It takes a long time. You know, we built up this belief system for a very long time people will have told us you know you're you're not going to do it people will have told us oh diets won't work or are you on another one you know that people say stuff that then we add to our belief to confirm it you know we think okay

you know that that's that's it then i'm not going to manage this um but then you've got to again look at the evidence to think okay am i am i just personalize it and thinking right now i don't see the evidence can i be brave enough to look out and think other people are because that's scary because then we're comparing ourselves and we can think mine isn't down and there's there's our down but we want to be encouraged by thinking, okay, this seems to be working. And I've got to now do me to see how I invest in myself and invest in my future day by day. But the trouble is, believe, you know, it's hard, even in experimental psychology, where we'll give people sort of, you know, gestalt pictures where you see you might remember that you'll see the bars and then you if you see the bars you won't see the two um the two

people but you'll so it goes like this okay it's a it's called a gestalt so it's hard to see two things exactly the same time okay it's really hard it's showing that our brain likes to think this then it likes to think this so i want you i i'd invite your people to suspend belief and just go for it to think well what they got to lose you know what because because believing that nothing's going to change and believing that i'm going to fail what's that going to do let's just say let's do it and and babies didn't know they could walk when they were born you know just suddenly started happening and we believe they could do it we're like come on you know and then it happens and then they get confident they're like hang on I just took a step and then they somehow believe it and then you know how much I love sleep. While they sleep, that sort of pattern, that new thing they've been learning gets integrated. The next day they do it even better. And then they do it even better and suddenly they're walking. And we will say it. Can you believe it? You know, I love this because it's about not one thing that you're doing that's going to change everything.

And so if you can use the capture, cancel, correct with that negative dialogue, whether it's getting on the scale, whether it's you ate the donut or you had the thing or then the way you berate yourself afterwards, or whether it's, you know, the belief that you're working through and then just trying to, you know what I mean? Like, just do it anyway. And, and, or, you know, focus on those small things that are happening. Like those two things in combination would be very powerful in terms of keeping people going. Um, let's talk about sabotage then, or do we talk about willpower is Is willpower what you just said, like just going for it anyway? Like what is, what is the difference? It's hard. It's hard to keep. We've got to plan. We've got to be intentional. We succeed best if we've actually scheduled something because life gets in the way, you know? So, so knowing what a map is, is really helpful because we know what tomorrow

is going to look like. If we know we're going to do a workout tomorrow, helpful because we know what tomorrow is going to look like if we know we're going to do a workout tomorrow or if we know that we want to get our everything ready in our tupperwares for tomorrow we're setting ourselves up to succeed so when willpower isn't there we've just got to try and go okay i'm just going to move first you you know, motion is lotion. Once we're moving, we feel like doing it. So once we're actually, once we've executed, and then we're making our nutritious breakfast, then we're happy about it. But we've got to know that we've got to know that willpower is not enough. We've got to plan it. And we've just got to do it. It's like me getting the adolescents out of bed. I'm like, it's really me getting the adolescents out of bed I'm like it's

really tough their body clock doesn't want to wake them up so I just have to say when the alarm goes on feet go on the floor just start there because the rest of your body follows your feet so just just do it and and the you know even the five minute rule is nice for things like that think okay I don't feel like chopping my vegetables and getting it ready for tomorrow, but I'll do it for five minutes. I'll put, you know, put a show on, I'll put a song on that I like, and I'll do it for five minutes. And then it happens. And then we feel good. And now we're reinforcing that that behavior was rewarding. It made us feel good. It helped us get out the funk. It made the next day easier. And so then we don't need as much willpower because we're like, I want to do this. I like this,

you know, because it takes time. You know, it's really nice when you get that feeling back to think now I'm in my groove. I like it again. You know, if you haven't been, I don't know, walking in a long time or skiing in a long time and you're like that, those first few runs are like, oh, and then suddenly I like it again. And there's other things. There's the community. Enjoy it for everything. Because that's going to be the thing that holds us together. You know, that there's the community.

There's the camaraderie. There's the support. There's camaraderie there's the support there's people that can empathize with you that even saying it today willpower is really like sometimes just i don't know it's in a different orbit it's nice for everybody to know that we don't got to normalize that so we don't go i suck everyone else has all this willpower because we personalize become the only one the only one that is not doing this the way it should. You're not. I love it.

Willpower is not it. It's the routine. It's setting yourself up for success. It's being aware. It's like, I love it. Getting back on track. What about sabotage? Because we sabotage ourselves because of our negative dialogue. We sabotage ourselves because of our beliefs. We sabotage ourselves because we feel like we have no willpower. We're not going to be able to do this. I'm never going to be able to lose my weight. I've lost it before. I get it all back. It's just, this is hard, whatever. And so I noticed people like plant the seeds of doubt, I call it where they will just make statements, right? Like, Oh, you know, I can't drink this much water rather

than ask for tips on trying to get it in. I will have to have the exercise when you know, you don't have to exercise, you do moving your body is important. Well, my stress is never going to go away. But that doesn't mean that you can't, you know, help to manage it better. Well, the lives I can't keep up with all these live segments. Like they don't actually ask for help. They just make these statements about why it's hard, I believe, so that when they quit, there's like a whole trail of reasons behind them. Am I on the right path with that? Or am I missing the mark on that? Definitely can be. Remember, with psychology, there's formulations, there's no absolute. So it could be definitely that pathway. When I think of this also, and I was having a conversation last night about this, what we do, and what people do when we think they're doing it to us, is it's something's going on. Okay. And we don't want to take it personally when someone's doing it to us. And so it's the same when we're doing it to us, okay?

We want to look at our behaviors and think, is it because I'm anxious? Is it because I'm frightened of wanting this? Is it because I don't want to speak up and look like it's important to me? You know, because we might think, if we think of children that, you know, don't want to read, okay, or seemingly don't want to read, they're maybe fussing,

or they're starting an argument with you, or they're procrastinating and doing anything but reading. What if it's because they're struggling to do it? And what if they don't know that they are, they don't like it, or they don't want to put their hand up in school and say, I'm struggling, I'm behind. Okay, so then it looks like we start sabotaging because we're like, I'm going to look like an imp here. I'm going to disengage. I'm not even going to ask for help. I'm going to just, I'm just going to start to disappear. And so really fascinating. So these seeds of doubt can be a protective mechanism i believe for for our sense of self-efficacy self-worth that if we if we feel

like maybe we're not going to do it we don't want to tell anybody you know so and then of course our behavior start happening we act out to ourselves. So when we're thinking of two people, it's easy to see, you know, or easier to see when someone's acting out, and then they elicit a response from us. But we do it to ourselves also, you know, so we've got to that's big work to think, okay, what am I doing? And why am I doing it? Because who am I doing this for? You know, if I'm quietly wanting to, you know, get a new qualification, it's for me. It's for me. And why am I worrying about what other people are going to think if I fail or I pass? So it's the same with your health.

You know, sometimes we don't want to look like we're going to the gym because it matters or we don't want to look like we're it's it's so it's so silly but it's human we're so vulnerable you know we're so vulnerable we hardly you know people I remember not telling anybody I had my driving test when I was 17 because I was so fearful what if I fail you? You know, and that's an insignificant example, but it was real to me that the fear of failing. We hear that a lot. People did the program, didn't we just actually, we talked to someone the other day

who they didn't tell anyone that they were doing it. She's now lost 165 pounds. But when she first started the diet, she didn't want to do it. So wonderful, isn't it? You know. And so that's that thing, too. Like you're doing this huge thing for yourself. And like you don't want to tell anyone that's fine, but they're not telling people because of some big feels around that. Let's talk about people starting because they have all the highest expectations, especially in the first few weeks of the program, which I think is like that's like

misplaced. You should have those expectations in the last four weeks of the program, which I think is like, that's like misplaced. You should have those expectations on the last four weeks of the program, not the first four weeks. But everyone comes in and, you know, they, they, they had their why and they know what they want and they're excited and they come in and they have that all these expectations. And then usually it's followed by disappointment. Even the people who are seeing the scale move, it's not enough. You know, I'm just like, someone's lost X amount of weight. And I'm like, that's amazing. Like, what more do you want? So even when they are doing well by the scale, they seem to always be disappointed. It's wanting stuff, isn't it? It's wanting stuff and hoping that it comes quickly, you know, quick gratification or quick feedback, because our dopamine wants that.

Our brain wants to be rewarded to say, good, it's working. So I'd say to begin with, concentrate on the community bit or the talks or listening or enjoying that. And then trust the process, because when we get to university, lots of my students will be like, haven't made any friends yet. You know, it takes time. It takes, you know, four, your course might be four years. So think of it as this. This is not a sprint. This is a journey, you know, and along the journey you're going to be learning. You know, I had a terrible time at university first and second year. I found it so hard.

I got into the groove in the third year. If I jumped off the wagon in the first year, I wouldn't be here now. In fact, my dad did the right thing. He said, absolutely, you can give up. You know, see if you can get to crit because he did that thing. You know, you can definitely give up. But, you know, and then, of get to crit because he did that thing. You know, you can definitely give up. But, you know, and then, of course, I was like, this is all right. I've made friends.

You know, I'm getting to the swing of things. But think of it like that. We're rushing this and we can't rush it. We can't rush a house build. We can't rush a, you know, the dam can't be built in a day, you know, and going to university isn't, you know, quick. So this is the same. This is learning. This is listening to different information that's going to resonate. It's going to be trying out techniques, learning what works, learning what doesn't, and giving yourself enough time to think of it as relearning because

we've got to to relearn and experience our body positively because that's the trouble we will we may have been really mean and nasty and and not kind to our body for so many years this is this is the time we're going to relearn. That's not an easy thing to do. I noticed someone's comment. Can you guys pull that up? The one that you guys just highlighted? I didn't, I don't tell anyone because I don't want to hear the automatic negativity you always get. I'm more than happy to talk about it when someone points out my weight loss, but rarely is anyone willing to listen without skepticism. Like, right. I mean, more than that, it's like people always get people's opinions and judgment. You tell someone you're on a diet and everyone has something to say about it. Right. You know,

you are working hard and you're, you know, packing your healthy food and, you know, someone comes along and you're still eating still, still on that diet. Like it's, it's hard enough through our work, through our own stuff when then we also on the other side of that whole, have the whole diet industry coming down on us. And then you have everybody else who has something to say about what you're doing. And it's like, you could say,

I'm doing the cabbage soup, cayenne pepper, wackadoo, crazy ass diet. People are like, oh, cool, give me the diet. You tell people you're trying to be healthy and all of a sudden everyone's got something to say about it you know so it's not just what people are dealing with internally but it's what they're dealing with from the outside do you have any tips for managing that for navigating that or handling that i'd say we've got to get strong on the inside to handle that. That's like any judgment of ourself. You know, when people say, you know, why are you wearing that? Or why are you doing that? Or why are you dating him or her? Humans can be judgy. So now we've got to know they can say that, but it doesn't

have to hurt me. I want to build my boat big enough that the waves aren't going to knock me over every time so we can tune them out. But also we want to be careful with what we share things with, who we share things with, because we're right. Some people it's going to land wrong and it's going to just reinforce those negative thoughts about ourselves or our beliefs. So that's what this community is for. This is wonderful because people do get it. It's safe. So when you feel a little bit isolated and you feel like you're only, you know, you're on the journey yourself and don't want to tell people maybe in your immediate environment, come to this community because they do understand it. They do know how you're feeling

and where you're at. but also start building up that confidence because the more confident well more confidence you have in your conviction the easier you can say yeah i am you know yeah i'm i'm really enjoying this you know and don't invite you know i i'm really terrible that i i want i'm a i just want to know am i to know, am I doing all right? Am I doing all right? So I invite criticism. Like, am I doing all right? Like, if I don't want to hear it, I shouldn't ask for it, you know, because I'm opening the floodgates. So if you're enjoying your veggie snack or if you're enjoying your fruit snackery, enjoy it, you know,

because actually people are busy in their own little worlds because we're all busy i don't mean to minimize our little words but we're busy they'll be worrying about something else it's not all about what are you eating on your plate you know okay um and we're gonna we're gonna tackle that at the end because when people do start to lose weight people do start saying things and it's not so easy to navigate. But I also want to quickly touch on because I know we'll talk on this further in upcoming conversations is how do you know when if you're just dealing with like negative dialogue, you know, or that belief or when it's really past traumas that you're working through? Like, how do you know? I heard someone talk about little T,

big T. How do you know if it's like little T versus big T? Like, how do you know? I heard someone talk about little T, big T. How do you know if it's like little T versus big T? Like, how do you know that you got some some big feels beyond about, you know, violence, rape, death, terrible things. Little T's are just as terrible. Those are the bits that didn't happen. Okay, they're the good things that didn't happen but should have. Okay, so your emotional needs your people paying you attention people loving you people accepting you and feeling seen heard and having the freedom to feel okay because if we're squished we're not we're not having our emotional needs met so when we haven't had that when we haven't had that, when we haven't had

those lifting up moments and that connection, that can leave us feeling insecure. And that leads into attachment and things like that. How important am I? You know, am I self-worth? What do I think about that? Because if we haven't had, you know, compliments or support or having someone alongside us to help us narrate those difficult times, we're going to stop trusting others, we're going to stop trusting the world and we're going to start thinking there's something wrong with me. And so's that's traumatic you know because when we then move into adulthood we're going to have those stay with us you know and so if we start noticing that gosh I I didn't ever have somebody to say it's okay it's hard at the start to keep going I've

got you you know or let's have a look at where you're stuck with that and see if, you know, a bit like asking for the help with the water. They've never had somebody that was there to do that. Then they're not going to know somebody's there to do that with. And so it's, it's when we know that, when we start going, ah, why don't I share my my stories with people is it because I didn't I didn't predict it would land safely with somebody or was I told off was I told don't feel that you're wrong you know um you know if you say I'm scared and somebody says don't you know these horrible old sayings man up terrible terrible know, what's that say about what men should be like? And what's that say about the feeling that's being felt? So it just dysregulates a little person. And when we dysregulate, like when that happens, we start to disintegrate.

And we want to reintegrate, we want to integrate ourselves, we can be all of this, you know, and that's again, where we would personalize things, there's something wrong with me, I'll never make it, they didn't care about me, why would I care about myself, they didn't notice when I was sad, so I don't notice when I'm sad, they didn't notice when I felt poorly or sick. So why am I going to notice? I'm going to avoid it and block it and self-soothe in whatever way. And sometimes it's food. So often people with little t's might have been drawn to food because that's their comfort. That's where they got some sort of feeling of love from food. Wow.

And that would, they did turn to that as a coping mechanism. That would be, that's a lot of fields to navigate throughout this process to work through. I mean, all of these are big fields to work through. I mean, this is what I love about our conversations. It's not just what you were eating and when, it's so much more than that. I mean, all of these are big fields to work through. I mean, this is what I love about our conversations.

It's not just what you are eating and when. It's so much more than that. And sustainable, maintainable, lose your weight in a healthy way physically, more importantly, mentally. We're at the end of the process. At the end of your journey, you are in tune and you are connected and you have repaired that relationship with yourself and you have worked through your issues and associations and created some new habits and work through those beliefs. And some of you have traumas and there's a lot. So I just want to reiterate to everybody, if it feels like a lot, it's probably because it's a lot, but that doesn't mean you're not

going to reach your goal. And that's why we want to highlight these topics and have these conversations. So you don't just sit there and be like, what's wrong with me? And why can't I this and why this and why that to give you insight as to why and more importantly, what you can do it. Okay. Take away today. So we learned the three C's capture, cancel, correct. That's pretty universal for a lot of fields that people have. You're retraining your brain. So you're rewiring how your body works physically with following the food plan and the routine, and you are rewiring your brain as well. And so I love that technique. Yes, because remember neuroplasticity, we've hardwired our quick negative thought, our quick snowball, our quick black and white thinking, our quick

move to, I'm going to fail. So we've made a very strong path to that. So we just want to slow it down. We just interfere with that. We want to pause because if we can just go, hang on a second, let's see if I'd say this differently to someone else. Now, hang on a moment. What would I say to myself if I felt good today? You know, as something as small as the sunshine, if it was sunny out, how would I maybe talk to myself today? Okay. So we want, we need the pause and the pause is powerful. The pause is enough to make the neurons start to wire in a different way. Okay, neurons that fire together, wire together. And then we want to think of activities, we want to think, right, journaling is effective to think, okay, I'm going to try and catch these thoughts I seem to always have.

Okay, kindly, don't, you know, we're just kindly trying to think, okay, I'm going to start collecting the data. And what am I saying to myself? I notice that. And you're probably going to see a pattern. And once you see a pattern, you can say, aha, I'm playing the Titanic. I am playing that the ship's going down. OK. And then I want you to say, I don't want to play it because I know the ending.

I'm going to take it out. So if you can externalize those thoughts and think, ah, I'm playing that movie. Sometimes our brain, it's easier to say, okay, I'm not going to, I'm not going to carry on that. Okay, I'm just going to start again tomorrow. And then look out for those typical thought traps, word prisons, thinking traps, jumping to conclusions, unfair and inaccurate, personalizing things. You can probably look them up like the most famous thinking traps in cognitive psychology, cognitive behavioral therapy. And of course, to do any of this, you have to be practicing presence, mindfulness, because you're not going to catch it our thoughts come so quickly because they're supposed to 6 000 thoughts at least a day okay and and some of them are going to be criticizing us because we do want to level up we do want to monitor ourselves but

we just want to catch those mean mean ones and go hold a minute. Who invited the bully in the brain? Let me just call this one out a little bit. Here, there's another C. Just call it, but gently. You're not going to beat the bully up because the bully's hurting too. You want to say, what's going on? Why are you scared? Why are you anxious? What are your fears? What are you expecting to happen? Because I think people want to feel the feel. when they're sad they just want to be sad this horrible thing happens to me I'm feeling big feels about this I'm feeling like I am so upset by my diet journey for example and they just they want to feel those feels and those like thoughts justify the feels And that's where I think people really get stuck because they have big feels. They want to feel them. They want to feel justified in them. And

maybe they're not like ready to move on yet. Right. But you like the word yet. I love yet. Right. But you can still feel the feels and then work through the things you need to work through. The fear plan is a nice way of writing it. So you'd write F-E-A-R and you'd say, okay, what's the F? What's the feeling I've been able to capture? Like what's the emotion? Is it anxiety? Is it regret? Is it shame? E is like a question. What are you expecting to happen? Are you expecting to fail? Are you expecting this to be hard? Are you expecting this to be easy? Okay, what are you expecting? A is two things. It's what are the attitudes that are coming up? That's your belief system, the attitude, like, I'm never, you know, I'm never going to make it. People will say this, people will say that. But also what's the action? What action can you do to help yourself do this? So

now you've got to do that activity bit, the prep. And then the R would be what's the reward? Once you've noticed this, and you've thought, okay, I'm feeling this, I'm expecting this, I, you know, my attitude is this, but could I alter it? Could I say, well, if somebody else saw this scale number, what would they say? They might say, hey, you're doing really well. You're here, you know, let's go, let's go for a walk. The R, the reward is that you didn't go down

into that well, that spiral. Try and get off the train, okay. If you know the train is going to, you know, the forest of no return, get off the train. Okay. Just say I'm off. Wow. I love it. Um, week five, bringing up some big fields, which allowed us to have this big conversation today. And I hope to everyone watching or listening that it's been a big help. It's been a big help. I hope so. You're going to be back. We're going to continue the conversation as we progress through the program. But I know people are always asking where to reach out to you. Yourpsychologycenter.ca is your website. Dr. Dr. Beverly on Instagram. You're sharing some

great tips over there. I highly suggest people give you a follow. Anything else that you have going on or that you want to share with us? I need to, I keep promising. I need to get dates out to everybody for Calming Your Anxious Brain. That's a nice, it's a six week program. Calming Your Anxious Brain.

I'm trying to work out when to do it, what time of the day and what sort of day. so if anybody wants to go on the waiting list ready that'll probably I'll probably deliver that in April or May um so yeah go ahead and well write to me and let me know and then I can put you in that list okay amazing uh Dr David, thank you so much. I'm already looking forward to our next conversation. Thanks everyone. See you soon.