The Livy Method Podcast - M&M Live: Coping and Compassion When It Feels Chaotic with Michelle Malloy, RCT

Episode Date: February 19, 2026

In this special M&M guest expert episode, Gina welcomes Michelle Malloy, a Trauma Therapist specializing in hope and healing, for a timely conversation on compassion, especially when it comes to the way we speak to ourselves during change. As a trauma-informed therapist who believes hope is at the heart of healing, Michelle explains why being hard on ourselves can feel more natural than being kind, and how the different “parts” of us, the one striving to lose weight and the one trying to stay safe, can feel like they’re in conflict. Together, they explore how past wounds show up in everyday choices, particularly around food, and why weight loss is never just about what you’re eating. It’s an honest, nuanced discussion about grief, survival patterns, self-protection, and learning how to create a more compassionate relationship with yourself in the process.Find Michelle:Instagram: @peddlinghopewww.peddlinghope.comYou can find the full video hosted at:https://www.facebook.com/groups/ginalivymaintenanceandmindfulnessTo learn more about The Livy Method and our Maintenance & Mindfulness group, visit livymethod.com. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I'm Gina Livy and welcome to the Livy Method podcast. This is where you'll have access to all of the live streams for my 91 day weight loss program. With a combination of daily lives, guest expert interviews and member stories, there is something new almost every day. Miss the morning live? Want to re-listen to one of our amazing guest experts? Well, this is the place. This podcast is hosted on ACAST, but it's available on all podcast platforms, including the one you're listening to right now, Spotify, Apple, and Amazon music.

Michelle, Maloy, is back and joining us in the perfect week this week because we've been discussing compassion, not an easy, not an easy thing to do to be compassionate with yourself. Michelle is a trauma-informed therapist who believes that hope is the heart of healing. She helps people navigate change, whether it's adapting to a new phase of life. Very useful here in the program, because so many of us are adapting to a new phase and stage of life while also dealing with so many other new stages and phases of life. Moving through grief or trauma or learning how to stay grounded when everything feels uncertain

is totally her jam. Hi, Michelle. Hi, Gina. Thanks for having me. Why is it so hard to be so compassionate with her? Why do we think that berating ourselves and getting on ourselves and being hard on ourselves is the way to go? I think because we're used to being in relationship.

And so it's easy to have relationship with another person and to have empathy for another person. But to have a relationship with ourself is kind of an abstract concept, which is why I like to kind of think about ourselves as parts. It's a little bit easier to have a relationship with a part of yourself. So, for example, the part of you that is wanting to lose weight that's on this program, maybe in battle a little bit with the part of you that wants to stay safe by eating the things. Okay. Just letting that sit just for a second here. So it's not a holistic approach to compassion. It's like your compassion for yourself. It's easier to be more compassion for yourself. I don't want to say if you compartmentalize it. But can you just explain that a little deeper? Like the person who's trying to lose weight versus the mom who's trying to juggle her kids or take care of her parents or trying to excel in work, how would that look a little different? Yeah, I think that it's, we're so used to being fractured in that way and putting on the different hats, the different masks, you know, getting into the mom clothes or the work clothes or the, and so our lives are kind of compartmental. But under the surface is always this part of us that is just trying to survive. And that's going to kick in with whatever the coping strategies have been through the years that have helped you survive. I use the analogy of riding a bike. So when we, Most of us were little kids when we started riding a bike, like single-digit years old. And all the muscles engaged.

And we didn't really know what was happening. Just all of a sudden, we could ride. We could balance. And our nervous system is very similar to that. It started to put things in place, coping strategies and adaptations, just so we could survive. And most of us are surviving something in our lives and our childhoods. None of us get through without wounds. which is how I look at trauma.

It's a wound, not an event. So we come through and we've learned all these little techniques that we couldn't explain why we were able to ride a bike, just like we can't explain why these things kick in when we're feeling stressed. And it's just your nervous system trying to survive. And so trying to find compassion for that part of you that's just trying to survive when there's another part of you that wants to thrive and set goals and do the things that are moving you into the place where you want to be in your life.

So both can be true at the same time. Absolutely, 100%. Yeah. Yeah. When we talk about weight loss, we're talking about how it's so much more than what you were eating and when issues and associations tied into food, your relationship with the self, your relationship with food, your beliefs, your habits. And then I always say for people, past traumas.

Yeah. And how do past traumas, like, show up in like your, your, your, your, your, your, your current day every day or especially when someone's not just trying to lose weight because people have already done that here in the program. They've already made change and they expect that that's going to change everything when in reality it doesn't. Right. Yeah, everywhere you go, there you are. Right. There's always a part of you that's trying to survive life. And the past traumas are, I think, because they're so survival based and we're used to living in our adaptations. So we've adapted it to kind of fit in and be safe and belonging, I think love and belonging.

If you look at the hierarchy, it sort of sits in the middle. Our basic needs are at the bottom and then safety and love and belonging. I really believe that love and belonging are foundational. They're the things. We're trying to kind of be loved, belong. And so we adapt to try and fit in and belong. There's always a part of us that kind of gets developed to protect us from danger. And oftentimes, that's the part for me that eats.

I affectionately call her angry fat girl. When she's it's crunchy aggression type foods, you know, eating all the salty, crunchy foods to keep me stable. And she's protecting me. She's protecting me from rejection and abandonment. I've done that sort of work for myself. And I had to develop a relationship with her because she was the part of me that didn't want me necessarily to not eat if I were struggling with these really heavy feelings from that started in my past, but, you know, obviously show up in my every day as well. So yeah, that's, that's, that was always my kind of, that was my aha moment when I realized in my effort to lose weight, I had this.

angry part of me that wasn't really angry. It was just a, it was just a protection. It was just a part of me that was trying to protect me. So I had to find compassion for her. I had to understand that we have to figure out how to live in harmony. And when we can live and we can find that compassion for that part of us that's just trying to help us survive. I think it's a little easier to live that sort of live our goals in our day to day because we have this. we've developed this relationship with that part of us that simply just wants to survive life. Oh, I love that. Earlier this week, we asked our members, what if you had an, what's the, what would you call your

inner voice? What's your inner voices name? I would, I would kind of build on that and be like, if you asked your inner voice, like, what have you been through, right? How did you get here? What do you need, really? So that, so that, that's always trying to protect us, keep us safe. I mean, that's like it's just trying to keep us alive all the time.

When you talked about adaptation there or trying to belong somewhere, I've seen dynamic shift when people lose weight, right? Like, you know, you had your friend circle and you used to be the fat friend and now you're no longer the fat friend. It can change, you know, it can make your partner feel unsafe because maybe they're unsure because your confidence has changed or you have actually made the kind of change that people achieve through doing a program like that. It's not just they lost weight and start.

starve themselves. They actually worked really hard to make change. I've seen work environments change where, you know, coworkers who are your friends all of a sudden feel jealous or not including you or whatever. So that can make someone feel really unsafe. And I do think that like those are the feelings that often are the core that make us feel vulnerable. So those parts of us, those little parts of us that would feel vulnerable to rejection. That, it channels are inner caveman. You know, back in the day, if we weren't invited to be around the fire, we were going to be outside the circle and we were going to die. We would get eaten or freeze to death. We still have that instinct. And so even though you can rationalize it and say,

okay, well, this person may be a bit envious or they don't like the changes I've made. But our inner, our inner drive is to survive and belong. And so, yeah, that is, that's really, tough. I think the reason, I started as a grief therapist and I realized very early in my practice that I couldn't do grief without trauma. They really go together. We are grieving things all the time. And when we think about grief, it's not just the death of somebody, which is, you know, that's what we think about when we think about grief. It's constant loss, change is loss. And so we're taught how to acquire new things, but we're not really taught how to lose them and put them down and grieve them. And some people, especially in the maintenance program where, you know,

you're trying to kind of figure out who am I now in the body in this stage of my life. We have to grieve maybe some of those parts of us that we want to give up that are better for us long term. So for some people that's drinking, you know, they've given up drinking as part of their health program and their friends fall away and they fall off. And so there's a grieving component to that. So that's when we talk about compassion and self-care a lot of times, that's why we need that is because there's a lot happening on the periphery of this, of weight loss that we have to be mindful about. What about grieving of coping skills? Like coping because I hear all the time people miss being able to overindulge in their food. I mean,

I think they forget the berating that happened and the punishment that followed and physically how they felt. But they miss that. That's what I did. Oh, I, you know, I would over-endulge eat for a moment make me feel good. I no longer have that coping mechanism. Are they grieving that coping mechanism? Yeah, it can or grieving that feeling of calm that came with the first bite or the friendships that are part of that overindulgence. For some people, they like to eat by themselves. So they miss, can I squirrel away without the ice cream and just be by myself? So there's lots of components to it. It's really helpful, I think, to kind of, for everybody to look at their own particular issues that they're struggling with and pull them apart a little bit, it's like steps

in a dance. We're trying to figure out what's the choreography and where's that step that's really tripping us up when we want to do something different? And if we can get to that, to that, to the root of that, for a lot of people, it is that either they want to be alone or they want to be social. it's a different part of their personality that's looking for some kind of comfort in that moment. Yeah. I mean, one of the things we talked about all the time because people are, you know, so afraid of gaining weight back. And the reasons why people don't gain weight back is not putting time in long enough time to help their body adjust to their new weight. So they dip into old habits.

And, you know, that causes them to gain weight. Again, situational change. Something happens in your life. Change a job. Someone passes away. something traumatic, you dip back into old habits, not being mindful, dipping back into old habits. And is that just because we're comfortable there? Like, why do we keep doing that?

Yeah, it's very familiar. So I think that, and again, back to survival. So when you're in that, we don't need to live in our survival mode. And I think that that's, especially in the world today where it feels very overwhelming and chaotic, there's this sense that we are always needing to just survive life. And those that's when it's harder to kind of change those coping. So it is. It's familiar. So we go back to it.

And I just blogged actually this month about the difference between stress and anxiety. And stress is really that external factor that's causing pressure. And you may have some coping strategies for that. When it's long term and it starts to be internal, when it feels shame-based, like there's something wrong with me if I can't, you know, kick this habit. But we have to look at trauma responses, you know, and a lot of times when somebody will tell me about their coping, I'll say that that's actually a trauma response. My trauma response is all or nothing. So if I know that if I'm not doing the imperfection is another one.

So if I know that I'm not able to do the program 100%, a lot of times it's like, okay, well, I'll just wait then until I can do the program 100%. you know and and i i think like 80%, 85% is it 90% like these are good numbers um if we're writing a test we would like those marks but but all or nothing is a trauma response and so some people will struggle with on program off program i think that that's um a challenge instead of okay this is the this is how i've adapted today because you know i am away or somebody served me something That's not quite what I want to eat, but I need to eat. I'm hungry. You're just adapting day to day to the strategies.

And then being able to find your center again, find that place where you're able to be on the program and feel, you know, like this is my new normal. This actually feels comforting. This actually, now that I'm back, you know, I'm checking the app and I'm doing the things. I'm drinking my water. Hydration and sleep usually get disrupted. they're the top two forms of torture. So if we're dehydrated or we're not sleeping, it's going to be a lot more difficult to be in that place where we feel like we're driving the bus, so to speak. I'm in all or nothing. I'm always like, okay, this is going to be a huge success or an epic failure.

And my husband's like, there was like a big range in there. Why does it have to be one or the other? How do we recognize that we're, well, one, there's a couple things I'm thinking like, having lost weight gained it back, lost weight, gained it back, lost weight, gained it back, and done that so publicly around friends and family. And when you lose your weight, you feel like you just, you feel fantastic. And I did this. And then it just feels like it's taken away from you. So I can only imagine the trauma that that would create in someone attached to them trying to lose their weight.

Maybe we can talk about that. Because the next thing I want to talk about is how do we become aware of the trauma, trauma that we're dealing with when we don't even like how do so that i don't know let's that's two part i'll stop there okay i got a lot of questions michel yes yeah um yeah because it's a very interesting topic and if people haven't thought about it before they might not have thought about oh there is a part of me that that feels comforted in this moment or feels upset and you can have that range you can't have all of those parts that's why we often will feel very fractured um and i i like the word harmony because We're trying to get all the parts to kind of move in harmony.

That there's a part of you, like a center of you. Some people call it their authentic self or their core self. That is the witness to everything else that's happening. So it's the part that's going to know all of the inner child, the rebellious teenager, the heavier part, the lighter part and how we feel. I do feel like oftentimes if we don't do things successful, we we go into that sort of shame spiral where there may be something wrong with me. You know, or I'm an imposter if I'm if I'm less, you know, heavy than I used to be,

then this isn't real me. This isn't the real me. So I do, I think that it can be a bit of a, you know, crisis of self. Like, who am I? And you're not, you're, there's no weight. That's the real you. The real you is sort of inside. It's a core part of you. And I think cultivating a relationship with that, with that part, trying to find that part and help it become the more dominant story. Because oftentimes, for me, menopause has been a nightmare. It's been up and down, thyroid, blood pressure, weight, energy. And I'm not used to that. I'm used to either. being a little bit heavier or regular. So the up and down has been really challenging.

And it's been, I've had to kind of sit with that to say, I'm still me in whatever body, whatever weight, whatever, I'm still me, I'm still doing all the things. People are still relating to me in the same way. Hopefully, members have that. They have people in their community who are in their families who are still relating to them in the same way because they're still them. regardless of what size they're wearing. I think that's pretty profound.

There is no weight that is the real you. Yeah. Yeah. You know, one of the things that has come to light for me recently, maybe it's my age. Maybe it's my age. Maybe it's the demographic. Maybe it's the, you know, primarily women who come and find my program.

Is that they're all dealing with something, especially related to grief. Grief is like this. Grief is like this thing no one talks about. Yeah. And this weight that everyone carries and just we're all walking around pretending like we're fine, trying to do this or trying to do that. And carrying an insane amount of grief. Yeah. Why do you think we don't, is that just my perception of it or?

No, I think you're spot on. And even for my own story when I, my youngest son is 22, but I carry two pregnancies to five months the year before him. And both babies died in utero. Both were different reasons. It was pretty challenging afterwards because I was trying to hold this grief for these children that I had lost and this joy for this little boy that I actually had. And I realized that I didn't have to pick. I could have my moments of grief and have my moments of joy. But I gained a lot of weight around that being pregnant basically for three and a half years.

And when I really got down to it, it was what would people think if I lost weight? Because a lot of times people will think if you are at a more sort of lower or stable weight that you got all your shit together. And that was just not the case for me. I was grieving, you know, heavily. And so the weight was really assigned to the world that I am not okay. And my role in the family being the oldest is that I'm always the rock. I'm always the strong one. And so people would make that assumption.

And it was like this mask that I was wearing of, I'm great. I'm me. I'm light. I have a, you know, good sense of humor. But the weight was really, I'm not okay. And I had to tackle that. I really had to pull those two things apart that I could still grieve and be a lower weight and be, you know, be at a weight that felt a little bit more comfortable. And that if everybody else thought that I had everything altogether, that was a problem and not a me problem.

Was that a feeling worthy thing? or was that a validating your grief thing? It was really more, for me, it was really more valid. It was letting the world know because I think it's, it's, people have their perceptions of, of us that come a lot of times from our very young years. They put us in a box. They put a label on us. Mine was the strong one.

And the weight for me was really about letting people know I'm not. I'm not strong. I'm feeling vulnerable. And I, in the end, I kind of had to. to figure out, okay, I'm a bit more avoided too when I feel insecure, so I'll pull away. And I learned how to lean in. I had to, you know, lean on my husband and lean on my family, my friends, and be a little bit more honest about what I was feeling. And then it was a lot easier for the weight to kind of to come off because I was doing the things that I needed to do in grieving

and talking about it and talking about how I felt and talking about my loss. And I was really shocked and many, many members on here will probably, this will resonate if you've had this kind of experience. There are a lot of women who have had this experience. We don't talk about it at all. So a lot of times we're grieving in silence. We don't do a very good job of grieving at all. But then there is these, what we call disenfranchised grieving.

So you're grieving for something like that. I had a baby, so people would say, you know, you have a baby. What are you getting all worked up about? It's very insensitive. I know sometimes people are even trying to be helpful, but it leaves us feeling really, really alone. So grieving and grieving alone is heavy. And so, you know, we're going to reach for things that bring us comfort, which, of course, we would do. That's the most sane thing to do.

If it's ice cream, it's ice cream. But then it's in competition with the other goals we've kind of set for our life. Because when you feel a little bit more in control of the program, you feel strong. You feel good. You feel balanced. feel, you know, all of these things. So yeah, the grieving stuff is very difficult. And I think if anybody has any grief in their life or any unresolved trauma. So if you think about trauma as a wound, not an event, it may be helpful. What are the things that maybe happened through my life that

have wounded me in a way that I need to pay attention to? I just, I find this is so interesting because I think when, first of all, I think people can like make themselves sick in grief. because it's not being validated so that they need to physically feel as crappy as they feel. Like I am so broken. I need to break myself. Like I need to neglect myself and show physically how sad I am, upset I am, mad I am. And I think about grieving. And I think about every, I'm just, I'm thinking about every conversation I've ever had with someone who's gained their weight back.

And they're always like, I don't know what's wrong with me. I need to kick in the ass. And I'm like, tell me, like, what's going on. And it's always been someone died. I'm taking care of my parents, something with their kid, they lost their job. Like, if I think about it, so many times it's tied in to a type of grief or type of loss where I suppose that makes it so easy for us to go back into something that feels familiar and safe with our coping mechanisms.

And I think grief could be at the heart of it. It's so, it's really important to really understand grief and your own grieving and how you've, the losses you've had and how you've, you know, worked through those. I think the other thing to understand is that our coping mechanisms are our foundation, right? And so the weight loss often is something on the to-do list. And if we can move the weight and the program and the eating and all of that too much, more foundational, then it'll be the thing that you look to for comfort. Because it's not one more thing that I have to do. It's like, this is my foundation. This is what helps me feel strong. This is

what helps me feel like I have a little bit more control. And that's foundational instead of right now the coping, whatever the coping is, especially if it's maladaptive coping. We call it maladaptive. If it's more adaptive coping with, you know, I'm going to drink water. And like the care stuff, if it's more foundational. But I think especially for women, it's one more thing that I have to do. And when things were really crazy in my life, when I had a teenager and a young son and I was going to school and all the things, I just, I couldn't do one more thing. And so if taking care of myself was one more thing, that was going to be the thing to go.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. My goodness. What do we, okay, so obviously people are doing the program, they're in maintenance, you're building that foundation. You are, you know, it's becoming who you are, your new habits, the changes that you've made in matter, continuing to support those. It's hard to be mindful when something traumatic happens in your life and pulls you back into those old habits.

Are there things that we can do, I know you're familiar with the program, but obviously seek therapy would be a big one. And I'm going to give you guys information on how to reach out to Michelle. But what are, are there some things, things that we can do that can help, help us in the right now to maybe prevent us from dipping back into old habits when yeah i think it's it's the things that make the body feel safe and we are so disconnected from our bodies we're up in our heads all the time and so we think i got to go to my head for the answer if the problem is in your body the answer is in your body and it's really about nervous system regulation it's a daily practice and they're really small, small things. So when my clients come in and they're, you know, really overwhelmed with life,

I'll say, okay, let's go back to the basic things that help your body feel really safe, that it's not an hour at the gym or an hour, you know, doing meditation. It's sips of water. Have hydration, like I say, the more you hydrate, the more you're going to need to go to the bathroom. So every time you get up, you take three deep breaths. Maybe you count them. you know, the box breath four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four. It can be something really, really, or a, you know, a breath for four and out for eight, so that settles the nervous system. Sometimes the reason people reach for food especially is because when we chew, it lets the body know we must be safe. And so anything, chewing is one of those, humming also

does the same thing. So if you have music on in the backgrounds, these are really basic, but there are things we can do every day. And if you're going to have an affirmation, this is healing work. I'm getting stronger. If for people who go to the gym are like to work out, I like to focus on balance, strength, and flexibility because those things in our physical body will translate into our emotional health as well. I love that. Oh my goodness. Just like Cheryl says, love this. I will definitely listen to it again.

Me too. Again and again and again. I think this is the piece that no one is talking about this. We're not talking about it. Oh, my goodness. I am, you know, I'm sad that Odette has to take some time away this week, but I'm glad that I was able to fill in with her. Thanks.

It's been very enlightening. You can reach out to Michelle. Follow her website, peddling hope.com. I love that. follow her on Instagram at Peddling Hope on Instagram and Facebook. And you can also pick up her copy of her book, Thriving and Chaos, which is available on her website, peddlinghope.com. Thanks to everyone who's joined us live.

We're listening after the fact I know this was a good one. We're going to need a minute with this one. We're going to need a deep breath with this one. Michelle Malloy. Thank you so much. I appreciate you. Thank you, Gina. Have a wonderful day.

Yeah, me too.