The Mel Robbins Podcast - 3 Requirements of a Good Relationship

Episode Date: July 22, 2024

There are 3 powerful and fundamental truths that you need to accept about other people in order to live a better life.Most people will never learn these 3 things.Which is why today Mel is breaking them down, one by one, to give you a guide for better relationships.These truths are hard to accept, but when you accept them, your life will get so much easier.You are wasting so much time, energy, and attention trying to control other people.And once you hear these 3 things, you will have more emotional peace, an understanding of yourself, and a better relationship with the people in your life. This is an encore episode with new and exciting insights from Mel at the top of the episode that is packed with tools, tips, and scripts to create more meaningful relationships. For more resources, including links to the studies mentioned in the episode, click here for the podcast episode page. If you liked this episode, listen to this powerful and tactical episode next: The “Let Them Theory”: A Life-Changing Mindset Hack That 15 Million People Can’t Stop Talking AboutConnect with Mel: Watch the episodes on YouTubeGo deeper with Mel’s free video course, Make It HappenFollow Mel on Instagram The Mel Robbins Podcast InstagramMel's TikTok Sign up for Mel’s personal letter Disclaimer

Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Have you ever had someone in your life that you really wish would change? You know, you just wish that they would get motivated and lose 20 pounds or 50 pounds or stop at one glass of wine. My husband, for example, he wishes I wouldn't use so many f-bombs after I've had a drink. Maybe you wish that the person that you love would get motivated and find a new job, a better job, or you wish that they just dressed a little nicer, you know, took some pride in how they look. Forget dying with dignity. Let's just try to live with some dignity.

Forget dying with dignity, let's just try to live with some dignity. Or maybe you wish that they would pick up their clothes. Why do the clothes need to be everywhere? Or maybe you wish that they would go to therapy and get help with depression. You wish they wouldn't spend their weekends indoors playing video games or just scrolling away on social media. I mean, you've tried everything. You've tried being nice. You've maybe even sent some of these podcast episodes to them. Every week you wake up on Monday and you're really, really like you're trying to be supportive. Tuesday, you get a little bossy. Could you pick up your clothes

for crying out loud on Wednesday? You're complaining to your friends because you don't want to talk to them about it on Thursday. Now you're bringing in the self-help speech. Here you're talking boundaries, owning your power, that went nowhere. On Friday, you broke down in tears over how worried you are, how frustrated you are. And the weekend, as you watch this person eat pizza

and drink a case of beer and lay on the couch in the same outfit, you just couldn't take it. Silent treatment. Ice. All weekend. And now here we are, just stuck in this dynamic. I've been there, my husband's been there with me, and right now there is someone in your life you wish would change. And you know they would be happier if they just did what you think they should do. But what if I told you, you're approaching this all wrong? See, there are three rules about adults.

These are truths that you need to know. And the faster that you accept these three rules about other adults, the faster this situation is gonna change. Not because they're gonna change, but because you will. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and thank you so much for being here with me. I'm so fired up that you tuned in to this particular episode.

I wanna acknowledge you for taking the time to listen to something that could improve your life. And if you're a new listener, I wanna personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I'm so glad you are here. I'm Mel Robbins. I cannot wait to share this time together with you.

We're gonna be talking about three truths that define all adult relationships. I learned these three truths way too late, which is why I am so excited for you to learn them today. And interestingly, I'm working on my next book. The title is The Let Them Theory. You're gonna fricking love it. It comes out in January.

And the thing that I wanted to share with you is that as I'm researching this book, these three truths come up over and over and over again in the research, in every situation I'm writing about. And the fact is the reason why these truths come up is because you and I have someone in our lives we wanna change. You want them to drink less, to lose weight. You'd like them to help around the house. The reason why these truths come up is because you and I have someone in our lives we want to change.

You want them to drink less, to lose weight. You'd like them to help around the house. I mean, you're not being a pain in the rear end. Maybe you want them to be a little bit more affectionate. Maybe they could use a different tone. Maybe you want them to be a little bit more motivated in their career. I get it. I get it.

I would want that too for somebody that I love. But let's just take that last example, that you want someone that you care about, who is currently in a job that is making them miserable. You want them to be motivated. You want them in a better job because why? Well, you don't wanna see them miserable. Plus they're making you miserable

because they come home every day and they complain about their boss, Steve. And you've seen this play out. They've been working their tail off. They've been up for promotion several times. They've hit their mark and good old Steve always has a reason why that promotion isn't coming. And you know, you can see it, can't you?

Clear as day. This job is a dead end. And you know that Steve, Can't you see it? Can't you? Clear as day. This job is a dead end. And you know that Steve, he's being totally unprofessional and unfair, and he just keeps stringing this person that you love along. And you know that every single day that goes by is one more day that the person that you love

is not in a supportive environment. And you just see this playing out. And here's the thing, you know exactly what they need to do, right? In fact, you've got at least a dozen people that you have lined up that are ready to network with this person that you love. But every time that you push, have you noticed?

Every time that you push, hey, you know, maybe you should look for a new job, or, you know, I'd really love for you to talk to David or, you know, you have so many amazing things to offer, you should be with a better company. They're just stringing you along, honey. When are you going to see the writing on the wall and leave and find your power? If you notice that every time you push, whether it's in a loving way or a little forceful way, what do they do?

They push back. And so here you are. You're at this impasse. You're annoyed at this person that you love, and you're starting to feel a little judgy about the situation, and you're so sick of it that you can't even hear them complain about it anymore because they're not doing anything. And every little thing that they do,

from laying on the couch all weekend and watching golf instead of looking for the new job, everything that they do, From laying on the couch all weekend and watching golf instead of looking for the new job, everything that they do, it just bothers you. And here's what I want to tell you. There are three rules about adults and adult relationships that you have to learn, and you need to start living by them. And these three rules, they are the truth about how adults work. And these three truths, holy cow, if you really embrace them and you incorporate them into your life and your relationships,

it's going to create so much more harmony in your life. These truths will give you so much peace and power in this situation. They're going to help you feel more in control. And if you're lucky, it might just create the space for the person that you love to actually want to change for themselves. Because I'm here to tell you, they are never going to change for you. And that brings me to these three truths. Truth number one, if they wanted to, they would.

Adults only do what they feel like doing. And if your loved one doesn't feel like looking for a job right now, they're not going to. And I will unpack this truth in detail in just a minute, but let me get to the other two. Truth number two, you can't make someone else change. Adults only change when they are ready to change. And if your loved one hasn't changed jobs yet, they're not ready to. And truth number three, stop being mad at people

for not being who you want them to be. Let adults be adults. I mean, if your loved one isn't who you want them to be, who's the bigger jerk? Them for not getting the job that you want them to get or you for judging them. You know, that one kind of stings, right? Definitely makes you think.

This is gonna be one of those conversations, by the way, where I'm talking to myself as much as I'm talking to you, because it took me way too long to learn these three truths and now that I can see them and I know them and I'm living by them, I have had to confront what a control freak I've been. And I can also see how I wasn't accepting and loving the people in my life exactly as they are.

I mean, isn't that what you want from the people in your life who love you? Don't you want people to accept you as you are, to love you for who you are and for who you're not? Well, I wasn't doing that. I was doing a lot of judging. And so as I unpack each of these truths, you may have that same kind of reckoning with yourself. And I want you to know it's okay. We all do it.

We all control the people that we love instead of accepting and supporting and loving the people that we love. And what I can promise you is that when you truly embrace these three truths, when you accept these truths, your life is gonna get a whole lot easier. Because right now you have no idea

how much unnecessary stress and frustration you're creating for yourself. And I think the most surprising realization that I've had is that wanting someone else to change doesn't make them change. It usually stops them from changing. See it's only when you back off and you learn how to show up differently that the people in your life will have the space to start showing up differently too. You know, I think about relationships as this mutual exchange of energy. Like you really impact one another with your energy.

So when you shift your energy from judging and pushing and wanting and wishing and all of this, and you shift how you show up to the relationship, it changes everything. Trust me, you'll see. So let's start with truth number one. If they wanted to, they would. I wish they'd make an effort.

I wish they'd show up. I wish they'd reach out. I wish they'd be on time. I wish they'd try a little harder. I wish they'd get healthier. If they wanted to, they would. And here's something that really is going to sting. It also applies to you.

I mean, there are people in your life right now that wish you would make an effort, that wish you would change some aspect about yourself. And the truth about all of us is, we do things we feel like doing, period. And when it matters to you, you do it. And what's really hard to accept is that if you want to know where somebody stands on an issue, just watch their actions.

Actions are how people speak to you. Don't listen to their words. Someone else will tell you exactly what they want to do and what they don't wanna do. Don't listen to what they say, because it's easy to say, yeah, sure, I'll do this. Talk is cheap. It is hard to accept that if they wanted to, they would.

But the truth about you is if you wanted to, you would. So it's very important to realize that this truth swings both ways, because again, I said that these are fundamental truths about all adults, and that's the empowering part of this. Like, you see how you can change your actions for the better, and that makes better relationships. Everything that you and I are going to talk about today is true about other people, and these rules are also true about you because you're an adult. And I like reminding both you and me that these rules apply to everybody else.

Adults only do what adults want to do, and I only do what I want to do, and you only do what you want to do, because it gives you a level of humility and a little bit more compassion when you get into situations with people where they're not doing what you want them to do. And so I'm going to dig deep into these rules by taking questions from your fellow listeners of the podcast. And our very first one comes from a listener named Lisa. Hi, Mel.

My name is Lisa, and I have a question for you. Mel, I am currently struggling with being a more tolerant person. I struggle with accepting others and their bullshit. We all have bullshit and we all have to carry it, deal with it, and unload it. Don't get me wrong, I have worked on myself for years trying to be better and do better. But damn, I wanna scream sometimes, just be better. I have had to deal with so much in life, but I've always wanted more for myself and my family, regardless of the shit that life serves up.

Meeting people where they are in life is so important. I know and understand this, but my patience is tried when people wallow. Any advice, Mel? Okay, I love this question, and I'm sure you can relate to it as much as I can relate to it. And before I dig into this,

I wanna divide Lisa's questions into two different topics, okay? So the first topic is her frustration that people don't wanna do better. That's topic number one. Topic number two is how to deal with what's really irritating, which is people who wallow was her word, I say marinate, commiserate, just absolutely at some level love their bullshit. You know those people, something's always wrong,

they're always complaining, the weather's always bad, or they're always unhealthy, they're like, you know that kind of person. So let's start with the first part of that, which is this frustration that you hear in Lacey's voice. I just want them to do better. I've done better. There's almost like an arrogance and a judgment in that, right? That, oh, well, if I've fixed myself, you should fix yourself. If I can do this, then you should do this. And to me, that's toxic positivity. Just assuming that because you've done it that somebody else should.

And I'm emphasizing the word should because should holds judgment. If you have the perspective that if I've done it, then you could do it too, that's inspiration. That's helping somebody. And so what you wanna make sure that you're doing is that if you're frustrated, that you're coming from a place of love and coming from a place of wanting to help somebody, rather than coming from a place of judgment,

of the should, of the, you know, you're not doing this, you're not doing that. Because we've all been on the receiving end of that, right? Where somebody's beaten you down because they've done something and they think you should do something. I can give you a really good example of this because I think there's a big difference

of somebody being capable of doing something and somebody not being capable yet. As a person that is new to personal development, and I'm talking about myself, I've only known about personal development for just over 10 years. I mean, I've been engaged in therapy for a long time, but I feel like it takes a while to understand that there are certain things that a lot of people have never even thought about or been taught. I mean, I didn't bump into a lot of the topics

that I'm talking about right now until I was in my mid-40s. For example, I'll give you one. I didn't truly understand trauma. When I heard the word trauma, I thought that that was something that people that served in the military had. I thought that you had to be on a tour of duty

and see absolutely something horrific or be somewhere where there's extreme violence or be the victim of a really violent crime. I did not realize that there's big T trauma and there's little T trauma. I didn't realize that growing up in a household where you experience emotional abuse or you have parents that are distant or mismatched

or maybe you experience a childhood where there's a lot of poverty or there was discrimination, these are all forms of trauma. I had no idea. And so there are people in your life to childhood where there was a lot of poverty or there was discrimination. These are all forms of trauma. I had no idea. And so there are people in your life that would love to change, but they can't right now because they don't even understand

that they are trapped in some kind of a trauma pattern. They're not aware of it. There are people in your life that would love to have the level of fitness that you have, love to have the level of fitness that you have, love to have the level of discipline that you have, but they're not capable of it right now because they maybe are struggling with depression or maybe they don't have the family structure around them that is supportive that you have, or maybe they didn't have the experiences that you've had in your life that have allowed you to develop the habits that you've had.

And so I think it's really important when you start to feel yourself frustrated with other people, to check your ego and to ask yourself, well, am I in the lane of wanting someone to better themselves because I care about them and I see potential in them? Or am I in the other side of this, which is I'm being really judgy? That's where my frustration is coming from. And I'm assuming that somebody's got the resources and the ability and the support and the knowledge and all of the, I don't know, like motivation

that you need in order to get started. And so I think it's super important, step one, that when you feel that frustration, that you check yourself at the door. Do I want them to do this because I care about them? Or am I judging them and I think that they should do this? When you get into that lane and you know it, you've got to take a breath. You got to recognize that you're coming from superiority. And I want you to step to the other side, because understanding is an act of love. Being compassionate is an act of love. Being tolerant of where somebody is, is an act of love. Being tolerant of where somebody is is an act of love.

I'm gonna give you an example from my own life. So just this morning, Chris yelled at me. That's my husband. And I'm kind of embarrassed to admit what happened. Because boy oh boy, I will tell you, if Chris heard Lisa's question, he would say, I'm struggling with being more tolerant of my wife, Mel.

So here's what happened. Our pup, Homie, is going to go to a training class. And in order to go to this training class on Wednesday, he needs to be up to date on his vaccines, right? No problem. Because when we got him as a puppy, I took him to the vet, he got all of his shots, and that was great.

I'm a responsible pet owner, this is fantastic. Then all of a sudden, Chris looks at me this morning and says, why didn't you tell me that Homie is not up to date with his vaccines? I'm like, what are you talking about? He's missed two veterinarian appointments. He is eight weeks late on getting his vaccinations. I'm laughing because I feel so bad.

And I said, well, I, and he's like, didn't you make follow-up appointments? I said, yes, yes. Where's his folder, you know, that came with them when we got them as a puppy? I borrowed a Sharpie from the vet when I was checking out and I wrote the dates in there. And sure enough, we got the folder out

and there were the two dates. I never put them in the calendar. Chris took the calendar. Chris took the folder and this is a man who never gets upset. He took that folder, you guys. He slammed it shut. He slammed it against his desk. He stood up. He didn't even wheel around on his chair. He stood up, the chair rolled away, and he said, Mel, don't give me this ADHD shit. I know you have a lot going on, but you have a living and breathing animal

that you are supposed to be taking care of. This is not acceptable. You have to do better." And there's the dog barking on cue. Apparently he agrees. I can't make this up. Everybody hates me right now. You know, and here's the thing, like, I know that Chris wanted to scream. Chris did scream at me. Just be better. And I know that I'm now going to get flooded with comments and emails about this. I'm okay with that. I know I'm going to get a lot of advice about ADHD.

I'm going to get a lot of you that think I'm a terrible pet owner. I'm cool with that. This is what actually happened this morning. And here's what I had to say to Chris. I want to do better. I don't think I can right now. I am so busy at work. I am terrible with the calendars. I'm actually impressed that I wrote the dates down that they gave to me. I thought I'd put them in

the calendar, Chris. But my brain is dropping balls left and right. And so the reason why I'm telling you this story is I'm not letting myself off the hook. I am motivated to try to figure out how to improve the systems that I have and improve the level of support that I have because I don't want to be dropping these balls. Chris doesn't need to get frustrated at me for me to feel like shit about this. Of course I want to do better. But this is one of those instances where my brain doesn't work like his. I can't just like Chris is is Mr. foundational operations guy.

Chris methodically sits and organizes and can sit still. He's really good with tech and with Excel spreadsheets. I am the opposite. And so the reason why I'm telling you this story is because I guarantee you, you have somebody in your life that my gosh You just want to bang your head against the wall and you can tell yourself that they wanted to they would and that's true for some things It is true. It's true for whether or not people want to show up at an event It's true for whether or not people reach out to you. It's true for whether or not people make an effort

it's true for whether or not people are engaging in healthy habits. If they wanted to, they would. And then there are some times that it's really important in your life in order to manage your own frustration to be a little bit more empathetic that if they could, they would. And I'll tell you, I am motivated to get the support that I need so that I do not drop balls like this because I want to do better. And having Chris yell at me, it was actually kind of helpful this morning

because it just allowed him to be frustrated. It allowed me to see that this really is a big deal because he keeps picking up the slack on my behalf. And that's not a great solution either. And so here's kind of where the takeaway is on that. At the end of the day, it's about managing your energy. And when you allow somebody else's consistent behavior, I'm not talking about stuff where people are breaking the laws or they're addicted to something or you know something that's super super destructive

But I've been married to Chris for 26 years and I've been this forgetful and this bad The entire time we have been together. This is not new Mel Robbins. I am definitely overwhelmed, but this is Standard I have wanted to change this my whole life and I'm trying, man. And a little bit of empathy and support goes a long way because if you don't give that to the people in your life, if you're not more tolerant of the things that they're not capable of, they're just gonna feel demoralized and ashamed.

And so, yes, if they wanted to, they would. And make sure that if it's a situation where they can't really, or it's really hard for them, that you bring a little bit more empathy because that's going to help them. We got to take a quick break, but when we come back, you and I are going to jump deeper into Lisa's question, and we'll be starting with rule number two. and we'll be starting with rule number two.

Welcome back. Remember Lisa? I am currently struggling with being a more tolerant person. Oh, we can all relate to her, right? You're just frustrated. You're trying to be more tolerate, but damn it, why can't the people in your life change? That's why I gotta remind you, rule number two, you can't make someone else change. And here's the reason why this is so important. When you put energy and you feel that kind of frustration with other people who either won't change or can't change, you're wasting energy. Imagine if you took all that energy

that you're frustrated at other people and you took all that energy that you're frustrated at other people and you just poured that energy in a positive direction to make your own life better. So yes, try to be compassionate and understanding, but all of that energy and frustration that you can hear in Lisa, I wanna scream sometimes, I'm sure you do, because you're trying to make them change.

That's why you're frustrated. And that brings me to the third rule. You gotta stop being mad at people for not being who you want them to be. I will never be a accountant. I will never be somebody who is OCD detail-oriented. That's not me. My genius is in being creative.

It's in connecting with people. It's flying by the seat of my pants. And somehow, Chris and I have made it work for 26 years, and I think it has to do with the fact that we are 99% compassionate, understanding, and supportive of one another. And then there's those 1% moments that happen today over me being a dumbass.

And of course I feel terrible about it, but I will never be Susie Q with the calendar. That's just not who I'm supposed to be in life and that's okay. But I can be more responsible about getting the support I need so I don't leave other people in breakdown. And we are gonna get into boundaries because I know you're already gonna, well, what do you do, Melvin? about getting the support I need so I don't leave other people in breakdown.

And we are gonna get into boundaries because I know you're already gonna, well, what do you do, Melvin? We will get there. But I wanna address one other aspect of Lisa's question, and it's this. Meeting people where they are in life is so important. I know and understand this,

but my patience is tried when people wallow. Any advice, Mel? I'm going to give you a specific tactic for people who wallow. I call this the six-month rule. The people in your life get six months to wallow in anything. They have six months to wallow about the divorce. They have six months to wallow about the divorce. They have six months to wallow about the weight they've put on. They have six months to wallow about the job they lost

or the circumstances or the weather or whatever else. And once the wallowing passes the six month mark, you have a boundary to draw. Okay? And this boundary works like a fricking charm because number one, if they don't want to, they're not gonna change, you're just gonna wallow. Number two, you can't make them change, so don't even try.

And number three, you gotta stop being mad about this person not being a person that you want them to be. But you can draw a boundary. And you wanna hear the boundary? It's the draw a boundary. And you want to hear the boundary? It's the six-month rule. I'll give you an example from my own life. So I have a friend that got a divorce after a really like horrible... It was like, you know, one of those divorces is just ugly, just ugly, ugly, ugly. And the divorce was finalized, okay?

And the divorce was finalized, okay? This friend of mine, every time I saw her, constantly complaining about the X and the this and the that and the other thing and the other thing and the other thing. And finally, after six months, I looked at her and I said, you are no longer allowed to talk about this in front of me. I have recommended therapists, I have been a good friend, I have given you books to read, all of which you have done nothing about. I am no longer available to be a soundboard for your wallowing because it is clear to me that you don't want to do anything

about this. The second that you would like to change this, I am here to support you, I am here to help you, but I am not available for you to stay stuck. I care about you too much. So if you'd like to go complain to somebody else, please do. But you are not allowed to bring this person's name up. You are not allowed to talk about your marriage, your ex-marriage, your ex, any of it. I'm not available for that anymore. And an interesting thing will happen. That person will be mortified and they probably won't call you for a while because they're still addicted to their wallowing. You're not trying to change them. Isn't that interesting? You're not trying

to change them. You didn't say stop wallowing. You said, I'm not available for it. So you know who changed in that relationship? You did. You changed what you're available for. When you understand and you accept these three truths about people, if they wanted to, they would. Number two, you can't change anybody.

And number three, stop being mad at people for not being who you want them to be. You take all the power back. None of this says you can't change anybody, and number three, stop being mad at people for not being who you want them to be, you take all the power back. None of this says you can't change. And so when you get frustrated by somebody else complaining, cut off access to the complaining. You're not saying I don't love you, you're actually saying the opposite. You're saying I love you so much

that I'm not gonna be a part of you staying stuck. And as long as I listen to this garbage come out of your mouth, you are gonna be stuck. I'm not here for it. I'm here for your transformation. I am here for you creating a better life. I'm here for you moving on. I'm here for you no longer giving airtime

to this asshole that you're divorced to. I am here for your future. I am no longer here for your past. When your friend is ready to change, guess what? They will, because they will want to. And you know, one of the things that I wanna say before we move on to question number two, is that I think a lot of us learn

that part of a relationship is struggle. You can just hear the tension in Lisa's question. I struggle with accepting others and their bullshit. I want to scream sometimes, just be better. Well, what if I told you that it doesn't have to be that way? That maybe if you're in relationships that feel like a lot of work, that that's a sign that the relationships that you're in are no longer working for you. And one of the fastest ways to get rid of the struggle is drop the rope.

Now, what does that mean? So think about tug of war. When you are playing a game of tug of war where you're on one side of the rope and you got other people on the other side of the rope and you're pulling back and forth and it's a lot of effort and pulling yanking yanking. You want to know the best way to win tug of war? As somebody goes to yank backwards, let go of the rope, they fall on their ass

and then you yank the rope back towards you. Who said that's not fair? Of course that's fair. Letting go of the struggle often makes the struggle go away. And so notice that Lisa's question was, Mel, I'm struggling to be a more tolerant person. And so the way you become more tolerant is accept those three things about people. If they wanted to, they would. If they could, they would. Number two, you can't make them change.

Number three, stop being mad at them for not being who you want. And then you've learned some other things. Doesn't mean you can't change. Doesn't mean you can't draw boundaries. Doesn't mean you can't say, you can do all this stuff you want, but don't do it in front of me.

I have another example of that. I have a friend who is dating somebody and she adores him, absolutely adores him, and then confess confess to me, but you know, when he goes out with his guy friends, they gamble and he just coke and I'm not down with them. Don't tell me, tell him. You're not gonna change him,

but you can tell him, I got a boundary. Don't you do that around me. That'll make somebody think because you're following the three rules. You're not trying to change them, but you're very clear about what your values are and what's good for you. You didn't say, don't do that.

You said, don't do it around me. Big difference. That makes somebody stop and think, doesn't it? It's gonna make somebody question, well, what am I doing? If this person I really care about doesn't want it done around me, maybe I should start thinking about what I want done around me. I like it because it's sneakier and it's the truth, and it works with these three rules.

Okay. So we've covered a lot. I think we should take a quick breath. We should probably hear a word from our sponsors, don't you think? Because one of the reasons why I love our sponsors is because we're take a quick breath. We should probably hear a word from our sponsors, don't you think? Because one of the reasons why I love our sponsors is because we're in a relationship. It's a give and take.

We can give you this podcast for free because of the support of our sponsors. So let's take a quick listen and we'll be right back with an incredible question. That's all about what you do when the people around you don't support the changes you're trying to make. We'll be right back. Okay, welcome back. I think it's a real wake-up call when you start to look at how much you're trying to change other people.

We all do it. You know, you want somebody to be healthier. I want somebody to be more active. I want somebody to be more active. you're trying to change other people. We all do it. You know, you want somebody to be healthier. I'm sitting here thinking to myself that I really worry about my brother, and I want him to be healthier. He's six foot five. He's a big guy. He's always had a big build.

And I worry because, you know, the ticker, the heart, it works extra hard when you're a tall guy. And so, you know, I can't make him change. I can love him, I can tell him I'm worried about him, but he's got to be the one that is motivated to do it. And one of the things that I did, because, you know, I'm guilty of wishing people would change, I'm guilty of being frustrated.

I've shared with a lot of you that I really miss my parents. We don't live near each other. And I'd like them to come visit us here in Southern Vermont. They're down in Florida, and they don't wanna travel over the holidays. And I have a choice. I can accept them and love them, or I can feel frustrated and want to change them.

And what is feeling frustrated and wanting to change the people that you love do? It just makes you feel frustrated. It makes you feel negative energy. When you're trying to change somebody, you're not loving them. You're judging them. Accepting somebody where they are

and offering support in a way that feels loving and supportive, meet people where they are. Because trust me, everybody that you know is so damn hard on themselves. If you're worried about their weight, I promise you they're worried about it too. If you're worried about their drinking, unless they're plowed all day promise you they're worried about it too. If you're worried about their drinking, unless they're plowed all day long,

they're worried about it too. If you're worried about their finances or their marriage, I guarantee you they are too. And so you adding your worry only increases their tension, your tension, it just adds on shame and pushes people away. So if you really want to be closer with people, come from connection, come from acceptance, come from love. I'm not saying this from some high and mighty thing.

I think you can tell that I struggle with this shit. I am a work in progress like we all are. Which takes me to our next question from a listener named Dan. Now Dan has been applying what he's learning on this podcast. He is so proud. He's really working on himself. He's making positive changes. He's all excited about him. And here he is reflecting on the impact that all of this change has had. Positive for him, kind of negative for his wife. In doing this work, I was able to see myself grow,

not only by my daily actions, but also by the way I started to think. One day, my wife and I were chatting in the kitchen and she actually said to me to stop acting like I'm on a pedestal, a selfish Mr. Know-it-all, which I had no idea I was doing. So this got me thinking, perhaps my change was affecting her and for some reason I felt I was at fault.

Can you speak specifically to your transition from being a regular parent to being Mouth-Hucking Robbins and how you overcame the family shakeup and what was all happening around that time? Thank you. Woo, okay, this is a great question. So one thing first, you know, how I went from being just like a normal person

to quote Mel Robbins, there was not like some overnight thing that happened. I am who I am today because of the work that I've done over probably a decade. Like this is not like I won the lottery and I went from being broke to being a decade. Like this is not like I won the lottery and I went from being broke to being a millionaire. This is I went from being nearly bankrupt and basically a drunk on the verge of divorce in 2008,

to meticulously one foot in front of the other, slowly changing, slowly learning about myself. And so my family has had the benefit of seeing a slow, I mean, sometimes so tedious, evolution. Because that's what true change is. It doesn't happen overnight. It happens over time. But what you're talking about is really important for us

all to understand. And this is one of the most common questions that I get. It doesn't matter who you are, what kind of change you're making. The fact is, when you make a change, you create ripples that hit other people, whether you intend to or not. I didn't see this for a long time. I was guilty of being the kind of person that it sounds like you may be, that when you're really excited about something,

you become a huge cheerleader. Let's all go gluten-free. Let's all become vegan. Oh, the best thing in the world is keto. Oh, you know what we should do? We should take this seminar. We should all exercise. We should do this. We should this seminar. We should all exercise. We should do this. We should do that.

You should become an entrepreneur. And when you do that, it can come off to other people like you think you're better than them. Now that you've quit smoking or you've quit drinking or you suddenly don't eat animals because you're a vegetarian. That sounded terrible. Now that makes me want to be a vegetarian,

honestly when I say it that way. But you know what I'm saying. And so let me explain why that happens. Okay? Number one, everybody, any change you make impacts any relationship you're in. Because relationships are about energy, and relationships are also about overlapping patterns. And if you think about that, it's true. The people that you feel closest to in terms of your friend group

are people that you click with. It also happens that you probably have a lot of overlapping patterns, whether it's you have patterns of interest that overlap or you work together and that overlaps or you have kids the same age and that overlaps or you live in the same neighborhood and that overlaps. And so it's this energy and this pattern thing. The second you change anything in your life,

energy shifts and patterns change. And that means every relationship is gonna change. That's not anything you can avoid, it's a fact of life. If you decide that you suddenly want to launch a side business, all of a sudden, you're not going to have time on Saturday nights to hang out with your buddies playing poker. It's a fact because you're going to be interested in working on your side business. And as you work on your side business, you're going to start meeting other people that do

the same kind of business. And because you are interested in that, you're going to be spending more time with them. Patterns change. I want you to accept that as a fact. It doesn't mean anything's wrong. But let's talk about the issue that you're facing with your wife, okay? Because this is what you need to understand

about other people. Your changes do not inspire other people. They confront them. I'm gonna say that again. Your changes do not inspire other people. They confront them. And I'm gonna give you a famous example from my marriage. I am once again the jerk in the story

and Chris is the winner. There's no winners. That was me being funny. Chris is the winner, there's no winners. That was me being funny. Chris is the transformed one. I'm the jerk. Okay? So, a couple years ago, Chris made this decision that he was going to stop drinking for a while.

And I was so excited for him. He had had a major problem with alcohol as the restaurant business was really struggling. It was basically the way that he dealt with his stress. And so when he got out of the restaurant business, he's like, I got to make major changes. I got to stop drinking. I need to get healthy. I got to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life. And so he decided step number one, not drinking.

I'm like, yes. I was a yes for about two days. And then by day three, dinner time rolls around and I had a habit of loving to open up a bottle of wine while I was cooking. And so day one and day two, I did not do that. I was supportive of my husband's change. And day three, I'm like, meh,

I think I'm gonna have a glass of wine. Just cause he's not drinking doesn't mean I can't drink. And by the way, Chris was also amazing in that he wasn't like, I'm doing this, you need to do this. He's like, I'm doing this for myself. So I open up the bottle of wine and I'm cooking and Chris is standing there and the kids are running around and I take out the wine glass and I'm like,

glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. And then I say, hey, would you like to have a glass? And he's like, nope. Look, you sure? I mean, it's basically just juice, you know? It's not that big of a deal. It's not like you're having some bourbon. He's like, no, I don't want any wine, Mel.

Like, come on. And he looks at me, kind of like he did this morning, actually, with the veterinary story. He looks at me very frustrated and he said, Mel, I don't want to drink. Stop asking me to have a glass of wine. And I was like, whoo, you know, because of course when somebody's serious with you, you're like, oh, you know, shoo. Told you I was a jerk.

And then I said, I'm sorry, jeesh, you know, I just feel bad because, you know, I just, I just feel bad. Because, you know, I feel bad having a glass of wine on my own. And then he said something that was a mic drop. He said, if you're concerned about what's in your glass, then maybe you should figure out your relationship to drinking. Because the fact is, Mel, nobody cares what's in your glass but you. And if me putting non-alcoholic seltzer in my glass makes you think about what's in your

glass, then you've got some changing to do. And he's right. And this is my point. in your glass, then you've got some changing to do. And he's right. And this is my point. If somebody is confronted by your change, it's because your change is making them think about what they're doing or not doing in their own life. Just like Chris's decision to stop drinking

made me think about my decision to have a glass of wine while I was cooking dinner every night. And here's the thing, he's right, nobody gives a shit what's in your glass. But people who get confronted, it's easier for them to attack you or to get you to change your behavior than to take a look in the mirror and change their own.

It's easier for me to question what Chris is doing than to look in the mirror and go, well, should I have a glass of wine? Maybe I don't want a glass of wine. Maybe it's just some dumb habit that I've had for 10 years and I don't really care about drinking wine. But now Chris is making me think about that and it's a hell of a lot easier for me to question him than

for me to question me. There's actually science around this. It's called my side bias. There is so much research about this cognitive bias. That's a fancy word for your brain, has certain ways that it thinks that are totally screwed up, okay? And my side bias is what's called a true blind spot. It doesn't matter how smart you are, it doesn't matter how much money you have, how educated

you are, my side bias impacts absolutely every single one of us. What does that mean? That means once we have an opinion about something, we will argue for our side no matter what. Chris is gonna argue that not drinking is the best thing on the planet, and I'm gonna argue that there's nothing wrong with having a glass of wine. And here's the problem with my side bias.

Number one, it prevents you from being open to other ideas, other possibilities. Maybe you don't want to have a glass of wine when you cook dinner. Maybe you don't want to be playing poker with your buddies in their garage every Saturday night. You really would like to get started on that real estate business

you've been thinking about for years. But instead, we argue for our side. In fact, at the University of Toronto, there is a doctor. He's also a professor, Dr. Keith Stanovic. He's a psychologist that teaches there. He has done so much research on my side bias. He's considered the scientist scientist when it comes to the field of cognitive science. And some of the research that I dug up as I was looking at this, cause I was curious, why are we so resistant to change? Why is it that when a friend of ours wants to roll out

of bed and go to the gym at seven o'clock in the morning, we tend to roll our eyes instead of rolling out of bed with them? Well, it has to do with this, my side bias. In fact, there's interesting research here. And this is why it's so important for you to do what Chris did, which is don't try to make somebody else change.

Don't try to make them have the water instead of the wine. Don't try to make them positive when they're wallowing. Don't try to make them healthy when they're not. Because based on the research, when you give somebody a lecture, which is basically the way that it feels when somebody says, you know, you should lose some weight. You know, maybe you're drinking a little bit. That's a lecture. Only 3% of people change when they feel like the change is being forced upon them. 3%. Those are not great odds. You wanna know better odds? When they think it's their idea.

37% of people will change when they believe the idea came from themselves. That is so important because if you actually would love to see people in your life make positive changes, you have to operate so that they believe the change is their own. So let me go back to the example with Chris. So if Chris had told me that he thinks

I have a drinking problem, I would resist that because of the my side bias. I would argue, oh no, I don't, da da da da da da da. But when he says, nobody cares what's in your glass but you, and if you're concerned about what's in your glass based on what I'm doing, then you need to think about what you should be doing, Mel. By asking that question and forcing me to think about my own behavior and my own choices, of course whatever I do next is going to become my idea, because he's forced me to think about what I actually want to do.

So back to Dan. I'm sure, Dan, your wife feels judged. So first of all, apologize if anything that you've done in terms of your enthusiasm made your wife feel less than, super simple thing to do. You can certainly invite her to participate with you, but do not tell her to, do not lecture her about it, do not force anything on her at all,

because now you know only 3% of people ever change when they feel like the change is something somebody else wants them to do or is forcing them to do or is lecturing them about. So that's takeaway number one. Takeaway number two, you can ask your wife questions. Why does this bother you? What about what I'm doing inspires you?

You know, is there anything that you would want me to change? Invite that kind of dialogue and you're gonna open something up because if your wife or your spouse or your partner, your roommate, your friend, whatever, like let's take this broader than Dan's question. If somebody in your life is confronted by the changes that you're making,

they're passive aggressive, they roll their eyes, this is normal. I want you to stop for a second and let's come back to a little bit of compassion. Your behavior sent a ripple that's making them feel triggered. And we know it's easier to question you than to question themselves. But trust me, if they're questioning you,

they're also questioning themselves. And so remember the three rules. If they wanted to, or if they could, they would. Number two, you can't make them change. You can make them laugh. You can make them think. You can make them feel included, but you can't make them change.

And number three, please stop being mad that they're not who you want them to be. They may never be who you want them to be. Loving somebody means loving them where they are and where they're not. It means loving and accepting them for who they are and who they're not. Now remember, you can have boundaries with her

and she can have boundaries with you. Maybe your tone of voice is a little luxury, but she loves hearing about it. She just doesn't wanna hear it as if it's a lecture or if she has to participate or if there's something wrong with her for not doing it. Chris, I have to say, handled this like a boss. He actually handled this like a boss in something going on right now. So my husband Chris has a rock solid morning routine.

Every morning when that alarm goes off at 5.45, and I roll over to my left and I see that Chris is already up. He's already up and at him. And when I walk into the kitchen and I see his gallon jug of water, and he's already drunk a quarter of it, and it's only 6.15 in the morning,

and at 6.30 a.m. after I've written in my journal and I've had my cup of coffee and I've set my intentions and he's come in from his first workout of the day with our two dogs trailing behind. He doesn't say, you should be doing this. Why aren't you? Oh, you're up now? No, he's just focused on what's making him happy. And what's interesting is all these changes he's making, it is sending a ripple effect. You know what it's doing? It's making me go, hmm, I wonder what would happen

if I got up a little bit earlier. Might be kind of nice to get up with him and take that walk with the dogs outside or, hmm or wonder what would happen if I took on the structure and so The truth is Chris made a change it sent ripples through our marriage and our relationship And he never said a damn word about it the change itself is impacting me and making me think, pretty cool how that works, huh? And one more thing, focus on you.

Protect your energy because when you protect your energy, you create peace in your life. And that is something that I want you to protect at all costs. My mission is to empower you, inspire you, to be connected to you so that you feel like you want to do the things that are going to create a better life. It's my hope that when you listen to this podcast, you think it's your idea to do these things. If I do that, we are both winning. If you then share this podcast, guess what? When your friends and family listen to me,

even though it was your idea to send them the episode, they're gonna think it was their idea. So I love the feedback that you're giving me that you love sending these episodes to your friends and family because it is sending the message that you know you can't send. And you're not alone.

My kids don't listen to me either. If I try to tell Chris what to do, we now know because of the my side bias, they're gonna resist it. But when you listen to a podcast episode, I'm just getting the genius of this. You think it's your idea? I love that. And you know what? It is your idea. Because at the end of the day,

you're the one who's responsible for your happiness and for creating the life that really lights you up. And when you bring more understanding and compassion to your relationships and you stop being mad at people because they can't do what you need them to do, trust me, you will be a happier person. Life will get easier. Huh! So, thank you for being here.

I love you, in case nobody tells you that, because your changes are pissing them off right now. That's all right, just smile at them. Love them up and know that your friend Mel Robbins loves you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to focus on yourself and do the work to create a better life. All right, I'll talk to you in a few days. I'm trying to...

This might not be the best thing to record in since I'm literally rocking and rolling all over the place. Okay. Okay, great. Here we go. Hey, it's your friend Mel. Welcome to the Mel Robbins. Hey, it's your friend Mel. Have you ever had someone in your life that you

really wish would just change? Or did we lose Trace? Okay. Was that good? Yes. Okay, good. Good job, everybody. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician,

professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher