The Mel Robbins Podcast - 3 Simple Ways to Get the Love You Want

Episode Date: February 12, 2024

In this episode, you’ll learn what true love really is, along with 3 simple ways to start getting the love you want. Today, you’ll learn the art & science of giving and receiving love.You’ll ge...t simple tools for all kinds of love: romantic relationships, friendships, family relationships, mentorship, and even the smallest, simplest daily acts of love. You’ll also learn: The most controversial thing ever said on The Mel Robbins Podcast.The truth about love. (and an entirely new way to think about it)How to instantly shift any relationship for the better.The #1 relationship study of all time: Mel breaks down the takeaways for you.3 things you can do, immediately after listening, to boost your happiness and well-being.How the Law of Reciprocity creates a powerful ripple effect.This person made a huge difference in Mel’s life. (and will change yours, too)The secret to inspiring and motivating any person. (yourself included)  For more resources, including links to all studies mentioned, and to go deeper into the themes in the episode, click here for the podcast episode page. Follow Mel: Get Mel’s free 29-page workbook to make this your best yearWatch the episodes on YouTubeFollow Mel on Instagram The Mel Robbins Podcast InstagramMel's TikTok Sign up for Mel’s newsletter  Disclaimer

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I am so glad you're here. It is an honor to be able to spend some time with you today. Thank you, thank you, thank you for tuning in. Welcome to the Mel Robb. I can't even get it out. I'm so excited to talk to you. Thank you for, what am I even talking about? Welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast family. I'm Mel Robbins and after that, it's gonna be hard to believe that I'm a New York Times bestselling author and one of the world's most trusted
Starting point is 00:00:35 experts on confidence and motivation, but I am and I still screw up. I am so glad that you're here. You could listen to a ton of different things but you chose to listen to this podcast. And the reason why you did is because you know it could help you improve your life, and I think that's really cool.
Starting point is 00:00:53 So I want to acknowledge you for taking time for yourself. I love that about you, and in fact, you're going to love today's topic because today I'm addressing one of the most controversial things I have ever said on the Mel Robbins podcast. Okay, so you're probably thinking, Mel, you promised you were going to address one of the most controversial things that you've ever said on the Mel Robbins podcast.
Starting point is 00:01:29 And if you've been a long time listener, you're probably thinking, what could that be? Well, it's going to surprise you. It's really going to surprise you. I had no idea how controversial it would be for me to say I love you on the Mel Robbins podcast. I kid you not, the most controversial thing I have ever said on the Mel Robbins podcast is when I end every single podcast by saying, and in case no one else tells you this today, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love
Starting point is 00:02:05 you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life. That one sentence and those three words, I love you, has been a lightning rod. It's incredible. Every single day, listeners from around the world write in and they tell me, I love it when you say that. You are the only person that says that to me in my life. I listen all the way to the end just to hear you tell me that, Mel. And there are those of you that freaking hate it, loathe it.
Starting point is 00:02:42 You have a visceral, like, kind of reaction when you hear me say it. And in fact, I am going to read some of the comments that listeners have sent to us about the fact that they hate it when I tell them, I love you. And for me, it's kind of mind-blowing that it's controversial to say I love you to somebody. It's just mind-blowing. I did not expect that response. And so today, I want to address it. I'm going to tell you the story about why I end the show by telling you I love you, why I end every newsletter that I write with the words I love you and I believe in you and your ability to create a better life, why I end every YouTube video that I put up with those exact same words to you.
Starting point is 00:03:28 And I'm also going to make the case as to why I mean it. See, I think the issue is that you have love defined in a very narrow way. And when you define love in a very narrow way, you limit your ability to experience it and to express it. And today, I want to expand your definition of love. And there's a simple reason why I want to do that. Because if you are able to embrace a more expansive experience of love in your life, you will feel it more. And in my opinion, that's why we're here. You and I are here on this planet, live in this life, because we are meant to give and
Starting point is 00:04:19 receive love. You are meant to experience it. And it is all around you, just waiting for you to be open to how it shows up and to be open to giving it more freely. And I used to have a very, very narrow definition of love and I'm gonna get into what that was and how it's evolved and how that's changed my life. But first I want to tell you the story of how I even came to sign off the podcast and sign off my newsletters and sign off my YouTube videos by saying, and in case nobody else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you because I was inspired by somebody else. So in order to tell you the origin story of how I became inspired to
Starting point is 00:05:05 tell you that I love you and that I believe in you, I got to take you all the way back to, gosh, 2013. I was at one of my very, very, very first ever speaking events. I mean, I was not getting paid. I was brand new to this whole motivational speaking world. And I had been asked to come down and speak at this huge women's conferences. And one of the main keynote speakers was a woman that I had never seen before. I had never heard her name, but I'm going to tell you something. After hearing her speak, I was never the same again. Her name is Linda Cliet Wayman. And she was giving a keynote address to about 12,000 women
Starting point is 00:05:50 at the Pennsylvania Convention Center. Now let me tell you a little bit about Linda. So Linda is a former special education teacher who was teaching in Philadelphia. And as she kind of grew through her career, she went from being a special education teacher up into working in the superintendent's office and being an assistant superintendent.
Starting point is 00:06:13 And there was this school in the district called Strawberry Mansion, and it was considered one of the most dangerous failing schools in the entire state of Pennsylvania. In fact, this school had gone through four principles in four years. Like just wrap your brain around that. The school is so tough that a principal would come in, be there for a year, I'm out. Next principal, I'm out.
Starting point is 00:06:36 Next principal, I'm out. Next principal, I'm out. I mean, just think about the message that sends in and of itself to the teachers and to the students that are in this school. And so nobody would take the job. So Linda volunteered and she stepped in as principal and she was telling the story about how she turned that school around and about her philosophy of leadership and her philosophy
Starting point is 00:07:03 of hope. And what she said is that the biggest thing that is missing for students who struggle with disadvantage is hope. That students, any students, even students at the most dangerous, failing schools, they are capable of achieving, they are capable of learning. And they are capable of greatness. And I'm here to tell you the same is true with adults. I don't care what the circumstances are of your life. I don't care what you're dealing with right now. You are capable of achieving.
Starting point is 00:07:40 You are capable of learning. And you are capable of greatness. And I hope that when you listen to this podcast, you are reminded of that fact because it is true. And as she's telling her story and she's talking about her philosophy of hope and of being the person that holds out the possibility and the potential that is inside you, that her belief is something that you can borrow from. Her belief in you is something that she wants to communicate. So she's up here telling the story and it's almost like listening to a sermon.
Starting point is 00:08:21 You know when somebody speaks like that and there's just a rhythm to their voice and you're just like, yes, yes. We are capable of achieving. Absolutely, everybody has potential inside them. Yes, yes, yes. And she goes on to talk about this ritual that she had of how she ended every single day. Now, mind you, this was like a decade ago. I don't know if schools have this anymore, but there was a PA system where you could make an announcement over the loudspeakers in every single one of the classrooms and in the hallways, and she would end every day by picking up the microphone
Starting point is 00:09:03 and using that microphone as her pulpit. And this is what she would say at the end of every school day. If nobody told you they loved you today, you remember I do and I always will. And then she added, and I expect to see you back here, bright and early, dressed in your uniform, ready to learn.
Starting point is 00:09:32 And she meant it. She meant it. For her, love is the belief in you. Love is when you believe in somebody and you believe in their potential. And because she believes that everyone has potential. That's why she can say, I love you. And when she explained this, that she would stand in the principal's office with that microphone in her hand, and she would tell each and every one of those students
Starting point is 00:10:13 in the state's most dangerous and failing school, if no one told you they loved you today, remember, I do and I always will. It was as if God was talking to me like lightning struck. I had such a powerful epiphany as I listened to her because I thought to myself, that is what love is. I mean, what else would it be? But truly seeing and believing
Starting point is 00:10:55 in the potential of somebody else. And that love, by the way, it made an incredible difference. She has now transformed three low-performing schools. In fact, one of her schools, before she stepped in and started sending this message of love to each and every person every day, ending the school day, before she stepped in, only 3% of the students were proficient in math. Only 9% of the students were proficient in math. Only 9% of the students were proficient in reading.
Starting point is 00:11:26 By the time she was done spreading this gospel of hope and of love and of potential and of belief in you, 94% of seniors accepted to college. So, as you might imagine, everybody on the planet wanted to know her secret. How did you do this? How did you turn around three dangerous schools and literally tap into the potential of all these children? Here's what she said. If someone asked me my real secret, I would have to say that I love my students
Starting point is 00:12:01 and I believe in their possibilities unconditionally. When I look at them, I can only see what they can become. I'm telling you, that's powerful stuff right there. That is the secret. That's the secret honestly for every human being in terms of how do you connect more deeply? How do you unlock the potential in people? You have to love them.
Starting point is 00:12:28 You have to believe in their possibilities unconditionally. You got to be able to look at somebody and say, I get it. It's really hard. I see what miserable circumstances you're dealing with and you want to know what? I can see what you can become. I can see the greatness inside you. I can see that you are bigger than this moment. That is what she's saying when she says, I love you and I believe in you.
Starting point is 00:12:56 And you know what else she's doing? She's tapping into extraordinarily important research that you need to know. So there is this study that was done by Harvard's National Scientific Council on the Developing Child and I think this goes way beyond just what children need. Here's the takeaway. Every child who winds up doing well has had at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive adult. And you hear that and you're like, well, that makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? Why?
Starting point is 00:13:29 Well, because if you have a coach or a pastor or a mentor or an older brother or sister or a person in your community or a caregiver or a grandparent that believes in you, that is loving to you and that sees the potential in you, that impacts you forever. that is loving to you and that sees the potential in you, that impacts you forever. And when you don't have that, that can impact you forever. And if I extrapolate that to the work environment,
Starting point is 00:13:55 the research bears the same thing. That the single biggest indicator that somebody is going to fail at a job or leave a job is the belief that nobody in a position of power at work believes in me. So why even bother? Each and every one of us comes alive when we feel loved and when we feel that somebody sees the possibility
Starting point is 00:14:18 inside of us. Hearing her story, it just inspired me at such a deep level. And it made me start to question, why are we so stingy with love? Why are we not telling more people in our life that we love them? I mean, it feels so good, doesn't it? When somebody tells you, is it amazing when you're in a situation where somebody tells you that they believe in you, that they know you're going to get through something, that they give you hope when you start beating yourself up. Of course, it feels amazing. And you want to know the simple formula
Starting point is 00:14:51 for experiencing anything in your life that you want to feel more of? Give it. Be more generous with it. When you start to give away the things that you really want, it comes back to you a hundred fold and that's what we're going to talk about today. So as I started to be more generous with the I love views and the hugs and the I believes and use, I started telling my family, I told aunts and uncles and cousins and friends and then I started incorporating it into my day to day life with people I'd never met before and I'm going to give you all kinds of examples. And that of course led me inspired by Linda.
Starting point is 00:15:30 When I launched this podcast and I started writing my newsletter to make sure that I ended each and every conversation by telling you, in case nobody else tells you today, I wanted to be sure that I told you, that I love you, and I believe in you, and your ability to create a better life. And you better believe I mean it. So maybe we should talk about love.
Starting point is 00:15:56 What is it anyway? Like stop and think right now about your own life. Who are the people in your life that you love? Just take a minute and think about it. I'm sure you're kind of listing off family members, right? Maybe there's a friend or two. Maybe it's your partner, your roommates, or some classmates.
Starting point is 00:16:18 Maybe it's one of your pets. What if it were a whole lot bigger? What if that list could include anybody? If you look at the dictionary, love is described as a feeling of affection. But in my book, that's not what love is, because I believe that love is something that's way bigger and that it's something that you demonstrate to people when they matter to you. That's what I believe love is. So I think it's a way of demonstrating to someone that they matter to you.
Starting point is 00:16:57 Or as the Dalai Lama said, love can be defined as just a wish that others be happy. And here's what's so fascinating about love is that if you just for just argument's sake, take on my definition that love is simply making people know that they matter to you. That's an act of love. And you've certainly been on the receiving end of it, haven't you? When somebody has gone out of their way and done something nice for you
Starting point is 00:17:36 or remembered your birthday, or they've, I don't know, picked up a little bit of slack at work. It feels good, doesn't it? It makes you feel like you matter. And I think that's what we all want. In fact, I know that's what we all want. We all want to be seen for who we are.
Starting point is 00:17:54 We want to be heard and we want to feel like we matter. And to take this just a step further, there's a huge difference between love and liking someone. And I think this is important because it is possible to love someone and not like them at the same time. In fact, sometimes I wonder if the reason why we all have families is to teach us how to love people that we don't really like, you know? People can matter to you and you can demonstrate that they matter to you by showing up, by
Starting point is 00:18:33 making the phone call, by giving them a hug. And you can do that at a moment in time where you don't really like them right now. I mean, I feel that way a lot with my family, that I love them to the ends of the earth, but there are moments where I just don't like them. The reason why this is really important is because I want you to expand your definition of love, because it is all around you. And if you start to think about it like, well, love is just demonstrating that you matter to me. That's all the love is.
Starting point is 00:19:10 Demonstrating that you matter to me. And feeling love, that's what you feel when somebody else makes you feel like you matter. It's really, really simple. It has nothing to do with sex, has nothing to do with any attraction chemicals. This is about mattering. And this feels like a really good moment to hit pause because I do want to give some love to our sponsors. I do love our sponsors of the Mel Robbins podcast because they allow me to bring you
Starting point is 00:19:39 this show at zero cost. So let's give them a little bit of love, listen to what they have to say, and when we return, we got a lot to cover. I got to get into what's so controversial about this. I also want to teach you the three science-backed research-supported ways that you can start to bring more love into your life starting today. Stay with me. Welcome back. It's your friend, Mel. I love that you are still here, for real. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being here for this conversation.
Starting point is 00:20:11 I know this is going to be one of those episodes that you write to me about. You're like, this was exactly what I needed to hear today, Mel. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.
Starting point is 00:20:24 I love it. I love it. I love it. I love conversation. I know this is going to be one of those episodes that you write to me about. You're like, this was exactly what I needed to hear today, Mel. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh. And I can't wait to hear how this new definition of love really starts to help you improve your life because it will, because this is what life is about, in my opinion. So let's zoom out even more. This is another mistake that everybody makes. You think you got to like somebody in order to love them. No, you don't. No, you don't because loving is something so much deeper.
Starting point is 00:20:55 You also think it's only for people that you're related to or that you're dating. Not true. Not true at all. In fact, it's not even just for people that you know very well. I'm going to give you some examples. You know who I love? I love our UPS driver, Mike. And let me tell you why I love him.
Starting point is 00:21:11 I love him because, you know, we, I live in Vermont, so I have his, I have his cell phone number. We text back and forth because, you know, obviously Vermont and lots of rural roads and there'll be days where it's snowing and he can't get up our driveway. So what does Mike do? He texts me, hey Mel, I couldn't get up the driveway so I wrapped the package in a garbage bag and stuck it behind the birch tree. Just wanted to let you know it was there and if he texts me back within 30 minutes I can
Starting point is 00:21:38 pick it back up if you're not home. Thanks Mike. What do I text back? I love you Mike. I love you Mike. What do I text back? I love you Mike. I love you Mike. Why do I love Mike? Well, it's not because we're family. It's not even because we're friends.
Starting point is 00:21:52 It's because he matters to me. And the thing that he did by texting me and putting that package behind that birch tree and letting me know, you know what that is? That's an act of love. He's making me feel like I matter. That right there is love. And Paul, here's another person that I love. Paul is the person that does all the maintenance in the building where our new 143 studios is in Boston. I freaking love this guy. He is always smiling. He has a can do attitude. He always helps us out
Starting point is 00:22:24 with all kinds of stuff. I don't know a lot about Paul, but I love Paul. I know he's divorced, I know he's got kids, and I know that he makes me feel like I matter. And I hope, Paul, if you're listening, I hope that we operate in a way that makes you know how much we love you because we appreciate all the things that you do for us
Starting point is 00:22:42 just because you do them, because it makes us feel like we matter. Here's another example of love. This podcast and being here with you twice a week and everything that everybody on my team does in order to put this together and think of the topics and create the videos and edit this down and, you know, I'm sitting here with a bunch of colleagues. Why do we do this? It's an act of love. It is something that I do and I pour so much time and so much energy into it because I really hope as you listen to this, you feel like you matter.
Starting point is 00:23:22 You feel like I believe in the potential of your life, which is why I'm dragging these experts onto this show and making them break this stuff down. It's why I share not the best moments, but usually the worst moments so that you know that you're not alone. Why? Because I want you to know that you matter, no matter how hard things are, that you're not alone, and that I believe in your ability to face it and to make it a little better through the little changes and the little actions. That's why I'm doing this. So why would I just hint? Why would I just put this out there and hope
Starting point is 00:24:00 that you know that? Why not just tell you? Which is why I'm doing it That's why because I know the difference that it makes because I feel it in my own life and That brings me to the controversy. I never expected That this would be controversial Never a million years. I mean the first time I heard anybody tell me about this idea, I literally felt like I was struck by divine lightning and that this was the meaning of life and that this was the smartest thing I had ever heard anybody say. And I immediately wish that every single school on the planet ends every day this way, just so that every
Starting point is 00:24:42 kid and every teacher gets to hear somebody say, I love you and I believe in you because isn't that the greatest thing in the world to hear somebody say that? And so when I just started doing it my own life, nobody kind of tells you, you don't love me in person, but I'll tell you what, you end a podcast by saying, I love you and I believe in you. And I believe in your ability to create a better life. Holy smokes. I did not expect the level of anger
Starting point is 00:25:11 from some people around the world. I mean, it's kind of sad too. And I'm gonna unpack why I think it's kind of sad. And yes, I'm gonna let them. I'm gonna let them and I'll let you be angry about it. And I'm gonna let you have your feelings about it. Cause you want to know what another act of love is? Letting adults be adults and letting adults have their emotions and letting adults do
Starting point is 00:25:35 what they want to do. And it also is an act of love for me to keep doing what I want to do. And so there's a lot of you that write in every single day from around the world and say, thank you. Thank you for all the encouragement, Mel. It's been a long time since anyone has made me feel seen, let alone heard. Your words of love and endearing sentiment make me cry. Just this morning, I got a note from a woman who wrote in to say that I am the only person in her entire adult life who has said those three words, I love you and I believe in you to her.
Starting point is 00:26:29 Since she's been an adult, that breaks my heart. Nobody should go through life without hearing those words from somebody who means it. And so I just assumed that everybody would love hearing it because I love hearing it. But that hasn't been the case. I've gotten a lot of people writing in this one from John. Mel doesn't even know I exist.
Starting point is 00:27:00 I mean, it sounds bleak, but it isn't. It's just that she can't possibly, there are too many of us. Don't you need to know someone in order to be able to truly say such things like I believe in you and I love you? I'm here to tell you no. You do not need to know someone to know someone. Let's say that again. Again, you do not need to know someone in order to truly know someone.
Starting point is 00:27:29 Everyone, everyone, including you, has so much potential inside of them. Everyone, including you, has the ability to achieve incredible things. And I truly believe that having one human being who believes in you, it ignites a level of hope that allows you to dream big and allows you to pull yourself up and allows you to take that next step. And so no, I don't need to have ever met you.
Starting point is 00:28:13 I don't need to know you. Because I know that you being seen and you being heard and you feeling like somebody, somebody on this big old planet believes that there is more to you than your job or your relationship status or your bank account or the number on the scale that you weigh or all of the mistakes or all of the successes. That there is somebody that knows that there is potential and there is heart and there is soul and there is goodness inside of you and that's the part of you that I believe in. And so no,
Starting point is 00:28:52 I don't need to know you and yes I already do because you want the same things that I want. You want to be seen, you want to be heard and you want to feel like you matter. I even got a real doozy recently. You know how I often say I feel like the universe is always programming this? I swear to goodness. This came in this morning from our newsletter audience. More than a million people read our newsletter that I send out twice a week. This one is from Trish. She actually sent it this morning. You say you love me and believe me. You don't know me.
Starting point is 00:29:29 Who am I? Where I live, what I struggle with, where I get joy from. Don't spout this crap at me. I know what's important in my life. I know what's real. I'm unsubscribed. I really don't need this.
Starting point is 00:29:39 You may think I do for my response, but I assure you I don't. Okay. There were a lot of explanation points. That's why I read it that way. And she did unsubscribe from the newsletter. And you want to know what? That's okay, because love is not transactional. And whether she is a subscriber or not, I still love her. I still see the potential in her. I still believe in her. And that's what I'm trying to get you to really, really open your arms to.
Starting point is 00:30:12 That it's not about somebody liking you. It's not about knowing somebody. It's about how you show up with an open heart and a giving spirit and seeing the best and the possibility in everybody else. And here's what's interesting about this. I don't think your response tells me anything about whether or not you need love because I think we all need it.
Starting point is 00:30:41 But I have a suspicion about where the response comes from. See, so many of us grew up in households where love and that feeling like you mattered or that feeling of being seen was very transactional. And let me explain that. Like, have you ever had that experience or remember a time when you were growing up where you felt like you only got positive attention when one of your caregivers was in a good mood or you only felt like you mattered when you got good grades or you performed well at school. Or there was something that caregivers could brag about, that there was a tit for tat.
Starting point is 00:31:34 And this also works in the way that if your caregivers do something nice for you, that somehow you should bend over backwards, that because they've bought you something, now you need to show up a certain way, that your mattering was conditional, that somebody's affection or their attention toward you was conditional, that you had to earn it, that you couldn't count on it. And see, I certainly am one of those people that really felt like, okay, I got to prove that I'm worthy of the love. I got to prove that I'm worthy of the accolade. I got to prove that I deserve to be told I love you or I deserve to be told I did a good job. What if there was a universe that you could live in where you just mattered because you mattered.
Starting point is 00:32:26 What if there was a way to move through your life where you were open to people believing in you, where it didn't come with strings attached? And you know, that's the other thing is that for so many people, love has been very painful because the people closest to you really hurt you. And so that's made you pull back and go, I don't trust this and I can't count on it. And so when I read a response that's like that, how dare you? That to me points to somebody whose past experiences have made love very inconsistent and made somebody believe that that only comes in very limited supply and you can't count on it and in only certain
Starting point is 00:33:15 conditions. And that's the exact opposite of love. In my book, it's the exact opposite that love is limitless, that if you take on this definition, that it's simply making somebody feel like they matter. And if you had a childhood where you felt like you didn't, of course you would be suspicious or have a visceral response when somebody moves through the world and just believes that you do. What if it wasn't something that you weren't?
Starting point is 00:33:48 And I'm going to go back to one of the original things that I said to you. See, I think the whole purpose of life, the whole reason why we're here, it is to experience this incredible feeling of love, to be present to it, to give it to other people, to receive this feeling of mattering, to tap into it, because it's all around you. It really truly is. And you know, you think that it's all around you. It really truly is.
Starting point is 00:34:26 And you think that it's maybe just reserved for a few people. And see, I think it's for all of us. And that's why I can say, I love you and I believe in you because I really do. See, I think there is limitless potential in you. I believe that you can create a better life for yourself. I believe that you do matter. Not for anything that you did, but just because of who you are.
Starting point is 00:35:00 And when you feel that for real, you know what happens? Anything you freaking want. Because it's the most incredible fuel in the world to feel like somebody believes in you. And for far too many of us, we need to borrow that belief from other people, which is why it's so important to be generous with it. Because, you know, if you think you're hard on yourself, everybody else that you know is just as hard on themselves. And when you start to become more generous with making other people feel like they matter, it comes back to you, oh, it's so amazing.
Starting point is 00:35:36 And you also start to crack other people open. The mask that we are behind, or as Brené Brown talks about the armor that we're all got around us and we're protecting ourselves. When you start to be more effusive and generous, all that stuff just comes down. So I want to talk a little bit about how do you actually do this? Like, what are some ways that you can bring more love into your day-to-day life? I'm glad you asked. Because after a short word from our sponsors, who you know I love, I will be waiting for
Starting point is 00:36:10 you. And I'm going to teach you the three research back ways you can be bringing and feeling more love into your day-to-day life starting today. Don't go anywhere. Welcome back. It's your friend, Mel. I love that you are here with me. I love this topic and I love what we're about to talk about, which is what research says
Starting point is 00:36:44 about bringing more love into your life. And these are simple things that you can start doing right now, like as soon as you're done listening to this. So let's talk about the first one. And the first way that you can do this is every single day, just do something on purpose to make someone else feel like they matter to you. That's it. That's all that this takes. I kid you not, you don't need to grab the microphone
Starting point is 00:37:11 at your school system and tell everybody in the school system that you love them and believe them. I mean, that would be a wonderful thing to do. But if you were to just do something on purpose to make someone feel like they matter to you. That is enough. I love this quote from Mother Teresa, spread love wherever you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier. So here's how you can do this. If someone pops into your mind, I'm going to wait. Like just take a minute. Let's let someone that you love. You haven't talked to him in a while. You're expanding this definition.
Starting point is 00:37:50 Maybe it's a friend. Maybe it's a classmate. Maybe it's an old neighbor. Maybe it's a sister-in-law that got divorced from your brother. Like I don't know who it is. Maybe it's a former teacher. Maybe you love the person that taught your puppy classes because your dog is now housebroken and well trained.
Starting point is 00:38:09 Don't you love that person? Of course you love that person. So here's what you're going to do. Now that you have a person in mind, I want you to go through your photos on your phone and find a photo of them or the past or your dog or whatever, and text them the photo, and just say, I loved spending the day with you, or I love this photo because it reminds me of you, or I love this because it makes me think of your laugh,
Starting point is 00:38:34 and I miss you. That is it. That is it. It is literally that little that will bring the experience of love into your life. And there are two pieces of research I want to pull into our conversation because most of you will listen to me and you won't do it. And I'm going to remind you this is not just a listening podcast, it's a doing
Starting point is 00:38:57 podcast. You can listen to me all day, talk all the time about love, but you got to do something. all the time about love, but you got to do something. And the research here is really, really cool. So there is this incredible study called the Harvard Study of Adult Development. And the lead investigator is a guy by the name of Dr. Robert Waldinger. And he says that the number one reason why people struggle in relationships and struggle to feel this deep connection that you matter is for the same reason you struggle in other areas of your life. You ready?
Starting point is 00:39:35 You worry about whether or not you're doing it right. Like you literally think of somebody, your college roommate, you start to pull out photos and you're like, is that the right photo? Should I send that photo? I don't know. Is right now the right thing? Or you think you have to do it a certain way? It's simply not true. There is no wrong way to do this. If you're simply reaching out to somebody to say, I'm thinking about you, I love this about you, boom, you cannot get that wrong. And there's this other amazing study from the University of Chicago that basically says even turning to a stranger and
Starting point is 00:40:09 chatting up and having a conversation with a stranger Creates this feeling like you matter and I'm gonna do a brag right now. I'm freaking awesome at this. I am so awesome at this in fact just this morning I was eating breakfast alone at a hotel and I was sitting kind of like at the bar area and I had ordered my breakfast and a guy came over to refill the coffee and we just started chatting. And I can tell you, he does not like living in Los Angeles. He grew up in Southern Illinois. He tried the Hollywood entertainment thing and discovered that he really likes intellectual property. He misses
Starting point is 00:40:50 the four seasons. He wants to go to law school. He's been thinking about applying to law schools in New York, Boston, and Washington, D.C. He has just spent $1,800 for a prep class to take the LSAT. How do I know all these details? Because we started talking and I started asking him questions and we got into this deep conversation because I was just interested. Now, how do you think he felt when he walked away from pouring that coffee? He felt like he mattered. And you want to know how I felt? I felt the love coming right on back, the big smile, the questions back.
Starting point is 00:41:33 And this study from the University of Chicago, it basically confirms what I'm telling you, that you underpredict how happy a random social interaction with a stranger will make you. Like turning to the person next to you on the bus, or chatting with the person behind you in the line at the grocery store. Just that can open up something that makes you feel like you matter a little bit. Make somebody else shake out of this sense of social isolation or let their just walking through their life invisible. Somebody sees them and that somebody is you.
Starting point is 00:42:11 And that study from the University of Chicago also says you completely overestimate, quote, the mess of talking to somebody else. And you don't even think about how beneficial it is. And here's simple ways that you can do it. So our FedEx driver, I guess I have something with the folks that drive delivery trucks, but you want to know what our FedEx driver, I've never even met the person who drives the FedEx truck, because I'm always upstairs in the office when the FedEx comes. But do you know what the FedEx driver does?
Starting point is 00:42:40 He puts these two little dog bones on top of the packages. And that's even when our dogs aren't there That's an act of love Making our family feel like we matter noticing that we have that is love right there and Do not underestimate what a big deal that is or maybe the bus driver when the bus driver picks up the kids every morning They got a funny hat on or a bow tie. Have you ever told them how much you love that about them? That level of intentionality, that is a sign of love. You matter to me.
Starting point is 00:43:13 That's why I'm dressing up. I wanna make this fun. I'm putting the effort in. Why wouldn't you tell somebody that you love that about them? Like not telling them? That is some stingy ass stuff you're doing right there. Do not hold that in. Or how about this?
Starting point is 00:43:27 How many times have you been in the grocery store and you're like standing there and you're like, okay, where is the cilantro? It looks like everything else. Is that parsley? Is it cilantro? And next to you is somebody working at the grocery store and they are meticulously stacking the zucchini to look like art. How hard is it to turn to that person and say, I just love your attention to detail?
Starting point is 00:43:56 Thank you for doing that. You make this look so nice. How do you think it makes that person feel? Absolutely unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable to feel the power of appreciation. I talk about this a lot when I'm giving presentations to corporations and doing trainings. There's something called the law of reciprocity. Have you ever heard of this thing? The law of reciprocity. This is so good. This is so intertwined with love.
Starting point is 00:44:28 This is why you need to express it more. You need to be more generous with it because you are missing out on one of the most incredible forces out there, the law of reciprocity. You do nice by me, I do nice by you. And I'm gonna give you an example. Have you ever walked into a mall or a building that has a double set of doors? So you gotta open that first door and then you walk into the vestibule and then there's a second door.
Starting point is 00:45:02 If you've ever had that experience and somebody gets to the door before you and they hold open that first door and you walk past them and through the vestibule, right, into the second door, what do you do? You hold the door for them. Like you basically trip over yourself to get that door open for them. Why? Because by holding the door, they did something nice to you. They made you feel like you matter. And it is part of human nature, the law of reciprocity, to reciprocate. You can be the first domino. The more effusive and generous you are. I love you. I love that you did that. Thank you for showing up. I love this about you. I loved that day we spent together.
Starting point is 00:45:47 The law of reciprocity kicks in and you start to experience it back. The second way that you can bring more love into your life, let's look at some of the research from the number one love researcher, Dr. John Gottman. Dr. John Gottman was asked, what's the best thing to do to improve any relationship? And you want to know what he said? Be a good listener. Be a good listener.
Starting point is 00:46:10 I already mentioned the Harvard Study of Adult Development, right? Which is one of the most important studies of all time about relationships. It's basically cited in probably every personal development book that you read. Do you want to know the most basic and important form of love based on this 70-year study at Harvard? Attention. Because when you give somebody your attention, you put the phone down or better yet you put it away and you look somebody in the eyes and You listen you're giving them attention which makes them feel and Know that they matter
Starting point is 00:46:53 Which unlocks this experience of being loved by you a Lot of us have had the experience of not feeling loved by your parents. Why because you didn't get their attention of not feeling loved by your parents, why? Because you didn't get their attention. You didn't feel visible. You didn't feel like you mattered, which is why you didn't feel loved. And why you feel like this is some transactional thing
Starting point is 00:47:17 that you have to earn. No, it's not. Not at all. When you give people your time and attention, you are making them feel like they matter. And in fact, that brings me back to this podcast and to my newsletter and to YouTube. Every time you tune in, you are giving me your attention and I do not take that lightly. You make me feel like I matter, which is why I say I love you. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:47:49 I love that you give me your attention. I do not take that lightly, which is why I pour my heart and soul into trying to put something out that lifts you up and feels worthy of your time because I want you to know that you matter to me. And now let's talk about the third way that you can bring more love into your life. And I've been hinting at this sucker hard, and I've been doing it. Tell them, tell them.
Starting point is 00:48:16 In fact, if there's somebody that you love and you don't wanna say it, send them this episode. I'll tell them, if somebody sent you this episode, they want you to know they love you and that you matter to them and that they're sorry they don't say it more and that they're going to start saying it more and that they really just love you. They want you to know that. And this is so important, especially in the moment of time that we're living in. I worry so much about how isolated so many of you are.
Starting point is 00:48:49 I worry about those of you that write in and say, I'm the only person that says this to you. I don't want that for you. I am happy that I am providing so much empowerment and inspiration. And I want you to know that I do love you, but I want you to experience this more. And it is my request that one of the things that you do
Starting point is 00:49:17 is you take this episode and you really apply what I'm saying. And the next time you go to the grocery store, or the next time you're sitting on the bus, or the next time you're sitting on the bus, or the next time you're talking to your sister, you be the one to say it. Don't sit around waiting for somebody else to say it. You be the one to text that friend you haven't talked to and send him that photo and say,
Starting point is 00:49:38 you know, I just really loved that day, and I just wanted to reach out and say, you know, I'm kind of mad that we don't live near each other, but I love you anyway, ha, ha, ha. I promise you, you start giving it out, it'll start coming back to you. And I think this is especially important in families, that there are some families that are like, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, and we're a little bit like that in our family. And then there are those families where you never say it.
Starting point is 00:50:07 I have a very, very good friend who is in his late 50s and his dad's health is declining. And just a couple of weeks ago was the very first time as his father was laying there in a hospital that his dad said to him, I love you and I'm so proud of you. And I'm gonna tell you something, my friend had been waiting his entire life to hear those words. And I think we make the mistake of assuming people know how we feel about them. And maybe you grew up in a family that doesn't hug, isn't that affectionate, doesn't say those three words. I'm here to tell you something. You're listening to this podcast for a reason because you're the one that's supposed to
Starting point is 00:51:06 break that cycle. You're the one that's supposed to break the dam. My friend has been telling his dad that he loves him for as long as he can remember. And two weeks ago was the first time he heard it back and it was so worth the wait. And something interesting happened. I was talking to him the other day and he just had to laugh. He's like, I don't know what the hell happened. Maybe I, he said, every time I talk to him now, he's like, I love you.
Starting point is 00:51:35 I love you. I'm telling my wife, I love you because now he understands how good it feels. Now that his time is limited, he doesn't wanna miss out on experiencing what that's like and what it brings into your life. And so it's not just about waiting around to receive it, it's about giving it and giving it and giving it. And it is never too late to tell somebody that ever. Okay.
Starting point is 00:52:11 Just kind of letting that sit in for a minute. I'm thinking about all the people I love. I'm about to go see my husband, Chris, and we're gonna go see our daughter, and then we're gonna go back home, and I'm just thinking about all the people that I love in my life. And even though I've never met you, I am thinking about you. Whether you're in your car, or you're walking your dog, or you're folding your laundry,
Starting point is 00:52:41 or you're taking a walk, or you're at the gym or you're watching me on YouTube. I wanted to be sure in case nobody else tells you to tell you that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to change your life and to feel and give and receive and experience more love in your life. And I really love the fact that every time you tune in, you absolutely make me feel like I matter and I love you. Okay, guys ready? I'm gonna clean up my mess so we can start this episode fresh.
Starting point is 00:53:37 Oh wait, is this the shit that I'm putting on my lashes and my eyebrows? I literally have eyebrows. I can't even,- what the hell is going on here? Okay. Yep. Okay, then we're gonna keep on going. Um, gosh, now I'm burping. Hi Andrea, that one's for you. It's been a while since I've had a repeat. I do not recommend the curry chicken on the corner store. It is not sitting well, everybody, not sitting well at all. Do you want me to try to do one take? Just so we have it?
Starting point is 00:54:16 And it... Hold on a second. And it's... And it's why I now... Hold on a second. Let's see. What have I just said? Or what were we just talking about, sorry.
Starting point is 00:54:29 And that's what I'm trying to, do you like this angle, Tracy? I can see you're reacting. I'm like, I don't think she likes it, okay. Amazing, amazing job everybody. I love you. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyer's right and what I need to read to you.
Starting point is 00:54:57 This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good.
Starting point is 00:55:17 I'll see you in the next episode. ["Sexy Music"] Stitcher.

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