The Mel Robbins Podcast - 6 Steps to Navigating Major Change Like a Pro (a Hilarious Guide to Back-to-School and College Drop-Off Season!)

Episode Date: August 21, 2023

In today’s episode, you are getting a relatable and hilarious guide to navigating major transitions like a pro. Join me in a real and raw conversation with my friends and colleagues, Amy and Lynne, as we unpack the major mistakes and 6 lessons learned from "horrible" college drop-off experiences (both our own and the ones we had with our kids) and the fear that comes with any major transition in your life.  Whether you’ve got kids or not, these 6 lessons apply to you. Everyone is going through some kind of transition right now: back to school, back to work, and dropping out of college. It’s a time of saying goodbye, of saying hello to new chapters, and of helping people move into new dorms and apartments and transition to new jobs or a new grade. That means it is the perfect time to learn the 6 lessons I learned (the hard way) about managing big life transitions without losing your sh*t. Listen and Learn: The RIGHT way to empower someone who is drowning in self-doubt.The #1 thing to say to help anyone move forward with confidence.The 4 words that will help you or your child commit to change.A science-backed "bridging" tool to help any child feeling nervous.The 2 most important qualities you have to let your child borrow from you.Why feeling scared and anxious before a big change is mentally healthy.  Xo, Mel In this episode:  2:30: Hear one mom’s mistake after dropping her child off at college. 4:30: And what this mom did differently for her second child.7:30 The drop-off experience that I wish I’d done differently.10:30: Say THIS to your kids to help them ride the wave of emotions.11:30: What you think you will feel is different from reality and that’s ok.14:30: The #1 tool you have to let your child borrow from you..18:10: Use this preschool trick from psychologists when you leave your kids.29:00: Remember this the next time you start to overthink.29:20: Recapping 4 major takeaways.31:00: A fighter pilot shares how to gain control of your emotions.33:00: I’ve used this trick often to help others adjust to change in their lives.35:00: Feeling sad or uncertain about change? Good; you’re normal.   Disclaimer

Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast Today is a hot on the mic. What do we call the same jump on the mic? Jump on the mic. Yeah, let's jump on the mic episode I was downstairs talking with two colleagues and we were talking about drum roll please College drop off. It is the season of saying goodbye, of saying hello to new chapters, of dropping people off, helping people, move into new jobs, move into school, start a new grade.

I guarantee you either you or somebody that you love is going through a major change right now. They are starting at university and you're about to drop them off. They're going into their senior year of high school. That's what's happening here in the Robin's household with our son Oakley. You've made a new sports team. Wow. And it's game on. Like you actually made the division one. Let's freaking go. Oh no. Have you ever noticed that about changing. That you can be really excited about something you can be excited about moving in with your boyfriend or girlfriend or significant other you can be excited about the new job you can be excited. About starting to finally date again after a divorce or break up.

But you're also nervous. or a breakup, but you're also nervous. And so as we were starting to share stories around the island in the kitchen, there was so much meaty, amazing stuff happening. I'm like, everybody shut up. We're going upstairs, we're turning on the microphones and we're talking about this. And this is an episode in a conversation

for you whether or not you have kids. This is an episode in a conversation for you whether or not you have kids. This is an episode and a conversation for you whether or not you have anybody going back to school or starting a new job because every single one of us has a very difficult time dealing with change and those moments of goodbye are so triggering. And we also get triggered by the people that we love who get triggered by change. And so let's just start with Lynn who is sitting right here to my right. And she was the one who started this domino fall by saying that you just dropped off your

daughter in college. Yes. And you know, it's heart wrenching every time. I think it's just part of the process. I think it will be this way every year. And I just know that this is part of what's going to happen, right? This is the transition. Yes. Why is it heart wrenching for you? Seeing emotion from either of my children,

I had this with my first born as well. Dropping him off the first year, he thought he made the biggest mistake, chose the wrong school because he did not know a soul. And it's really scary to leave them in a state of, you know, kind of emotional distress. Yes. It is so hard. And I didn't do the right thing the first time around. What did you do? Let me just say. Let's hear the big mistakes. Okay. Let it on. Oh, everything went wrong because I was so sucked into the emotions that he was feeling that I was crying. I was upset. I was not strong for him at all. Yeah. I wasn't encouraging him. I was wanting to take him home. You were in it with him.

I was so in it with him. And I think I learned that I am an empath, so I take on the emotions of other people. I mean, a dog trainer told me once that I was, you know, the weak link. So it's true. I was then the weak link because anytime anybody else was suffering or upset, or I thought I was putting somebody into this uncomfortable place,

I just fell apart and I had to save them. And I was robbing them of the opportunity to rise up and deal with change because we all have to learn how to do that. So, as I went through this with my son and now with my daughter, although they're two different people, I know that the best thing to do for them is to encourage and to just remember and remind them of the skills they have to rise up, to be able to handle anything, and

it makes them stronger adults. So what did you do differently? Dropping off your daughter the last couple days that you screwed up with your son at that first drop off. Oh, yeah, that's clear. Dropping off my daughter, even though she was still emotional and loves her school, like really excited to get back, but it's a new living situation surrounded by new people. What I did differently is I don't show my emotion.

Even though she's emotional, I just something just has to turn off in my brain and let her be emotional. Understand that this is her transition. And I remind it. I'm like you're being a cold bitch. I know. I'm like I'm flipping off the weak link with the dog trainer and path mode. Yes. But you know, I will say this if you don't mind, just to pause on that story because that's what my mom did to me when I went for my year quote unquote abroad. I went to Hawaii for a semester and I was leaving. I will never forget this. I was getting on the plane by myself.

How old are you? Like 18, 19 years old, right? And I was so scared. I could almost feel like my voice trembling now. I can really get in touch with how afraid I was. And I remember I looked at my mom and I said, like I can always come back if it doesn't work out, right? You know my mom, she said, no. She said you can't come back.

What? You better make this workout. Let me tell you though. That's the thing. Are you kidding me? It is the best thing. It is the best thing. It is the best thing.

Because if she had said, yeah, give me a call. If in five days it doesn't work out, give me a call if your stomach is out of control with anxiety, give me a call if you find yourself in the psychiatrist's office, all of which happened, right? If she would have said that, I would have given her a call and I wouldn't have given it a go, right? I would have kept looking back to my mom

to see is it time to go home yet? Can I be done now? This is so hard. And instead, I looked forward at all the new people I was gonna meet, my roommates and all that stuff. Wow. I was able to look forward.

And it was cold-hearted. I have a story just like yours, Amy, where I would call my mother collect from a pay phone every single day from the first floor of Russell Sage dormitory at Dartmouth College sobbing I Don't have any friends and I was miserable right but you do believe that yeah dropping my daughter off the first year She said I made a mistake. Can I come home? And I said no definitely not she said what about after the first semester?

And I said, no, definitely not. She said, what about after the first semester? And I said, no, definitely not. And she's, you know, I said, you have to make it go of it for a whole year. You have to give it your all. You've spent a whole year choosing this school. And you won't know. You won't know until a year to, you know, to experience everything.

And that's what she needed to hear. What are you thinking about now? I literally probably look like I'm going number two. I have to take a stand look on my face. I'm realizing I needed this conversation, and I'll tell you why. I hate feeling people in distress. And I remember when we dropped off our oldest Sawyer,

and she manages her discomfort around transitions by making lists and organizing. She was packed, color coordinated, had reached out to roommates to pick up the bed spreads. She had mason jars selected for all of the office supplies she would never use all lined up. And I remember pulling into Boston College and she just froze. And we set up her room and she was completely disassociated. You could tell she had left her body. She was having an out-of-body experience. I remember this moment where she was sitting up on her bed and we of course had to buy the little stands that lift up the bed

Put the dressers underneath it and so she's sitting there She looked like a little kid because her feet were dangling on top of this big bed that we had lifted up with the things from bed bath and beyond and oh my god and I said to her Are you okay? And she said, no, I think I made a mistake. I don't think I can do this.

This doesn't feel right. And I said, well, why? Do you want to go do something? Instead of saying, no, we've moved you in. It's time to face it. And so we drove into Boston, and we walked around the container store and a target and we had the world's worst early dinner trying to kill time as you could tell that she just didn't want to

go back. And it was a major mistake. And I remember we dropped off Kendall at USC. Again, I love what you just said about the fact if you spend a year picking this place, you have to give it a year. I think that's a good barometer for a job too. Yeah, and like for a grade school, like if you spent a year working up to this next grade,

give it a year. Yes, before you think like, oh, this, you know, like I'm still afraid I'm not gonna make this happen. Yes, you spent a year. Yes, I love that. And I remember how hard it was for Kendall to get into this program. I've talked about it on this podcast that was like winning American Idol in a division

one recruiting to get into this pop music major program at USC. It's all she wanted to do. This was her dream. We got out there. She was a blubbering mess sobbing, like just clinging to you when you were saying goodbye and we're like, we got to go. We're actually flying out. We got to go. And then of course, I get upset. And I do think getting sucked into their nervousness, which is normal, is destabilizing for them when

you're not strong through it. And one of the things that I wanted to share with you guys immediately is steal this. All three of us have one major takeaway from this. It's that one of the things that you can say to somebody is, of course, you're upset. This is your process for going through change. You always do this. You always think and get so excited and then you get there and you don't like it. This shows me that you're mentally well. This shows me that you're mentally well. This shows me that you're going through your process.

This makes me feel good that you're sad, even though you thought you'd be excited, because this is what you always do before any major change that turns out great. And so you gotta ride the wave because this is part of your process. Don't expect it to be exciting. And I think that's part of why these changes are so hard for people because you literally build them up,

like sophomore year, junior year, life after college is going to be freaking awesome. I'm moving to New York City. I'm doing this. I'm doing that. And then this thing that you've just built up in your mind is coming at you and you go, this doesn't feel like I thought it was going to feel at all. And then you freak out. Why? Because it's new. That's why it doesn't feel like what you thought it would feel. What you think it's going to feel like in your mind

is very different than how your body experiences it as it's happening. And I need this conversation, and I realize it because one week from today, our daughter is moving back to Los Angeles to start life after college. And just yesterday, I was saying goodbye to seven of her best friends from USC who had come from her birthday weekend. And they were all getting teary-eyed because some are going in one direction, others are going in the other direction.

And I remember that moment so well for my own life when everybody scatters and you go to yourself, things are never going to be the same again. Because we're never going to be in the same place again. At the same time, living altogether, and my life is moving forward, whether I want it to or not. And so Chris is flying out a week from today to help Kendall move into her first big girl apartment and start life. And Sawyer is leaving in 22 days for this trip she's been saving for for five years to go travel in Asia alone.

And you know what she's doing right now? She's making lists. She's not buying Mason jars because you can't take them in her backpack. But you got to embrace the list, everybody. List, list, and list, and list why? That's her process. Yes. And you want to know what else I know?

What do you think is going to happen when she lands in the very first country that she arrives in on the trip? She has dreamt about taking for a decade. Do you want to take a picture? Should we reach out to you? Oh, she made a mistake. Yes, yeah.

Yeah, this happened with your daughter. Yeah, absolutely. When she took her gap here. Yeah, she took her gap here. And she was in Spain. She was in Malaga. We all went over. Our whole family went there to drop her off.

She was ready as could be. But when there comes that time, when you say goodbye to the old and you're ready to face the new, right? Mm-hmm. You're in the terror barrier. You're like, I can't do this. What am I going to do? and I felt like I was like Lynn about to get swept up because we dropped her off

early in the morning, but it was a Sunday morning, so everybody was out partying the night before. And there were people, you know, still drunk on the streets of Malaga, and she walked us to our cab, and we were just like, we're leaving her here. Yeah, you feel like the worst mom in the world right? Yeah, no.

You're deserting your child. And she felt like, I can't do this mom. I'm gonna get emotional. Because here's why. Because I realize in that moment, I have to believe in her more than she believes in herself. And she has to borrow that from me or someone else. I mean, what a beautiful thing is a parent that we can say, yes, you can. Not in a mean way, not in a judgey way, not in a shamey way,

but just like, yes, you can. You will triumph. You will look back at this and say, is that so funny? Yeah, that's amazing because it's true. They just need you to be confident, not sucked into the emotion and just be okay with the emotion. We're not okay when we see somebody upset, right? That's hard. But you know on the other side of that,

if you encourage, they are going to triumph. So they are. They are in their own way. Yeah. And then they move up that ladder of life. Right. Like, do four months in Spain. And then the next thing, you know, like they're doing something else really awesome. Right. I think this is a great time to take a quick pause. Well, because I'm still like John the floor about what you said, and I want to unpack that when we come back. So stay with us. Yeah, I'm going to get a clean. And noodles at the door. We'll be right back. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins, and I'm here with my two friends and colleagues, Amy and Lynn, and we are all moms with kids

that are college age and post college age and high school seniors and high school freshmen. High school freshmen, yeah. And we are talking about what it's like to help somebody who love go through a major change. And of course, it's drop off season. It's new job season. It's start life after college season.

And you probably either have somebody in your household that is either going into a new grade or getting dropped off at a school or getting moved into their big person apartment for their big first job. And those moments of goodbye are so triggering. Because, well, first of all, I think we all agree, we can't stand to see people that we love and pain. And for me personally and selfishly, I don't know about you two, but it always reminds me of those moments

when I had to say goodbye to my parents. Mm-hmm. Right? Absolutely. And it makes me re-experience that terror that you can feel when suddenly the people that you love walk out the door and there you are alone in your apartment or in your dorm room, and you're in this new life. Or I even remember when I was in nursery school, I literally remember being in nursery school, and my mom leaving.

I remember that too. You do? It was traumatic. Very traumatic. Yep. Yeah. Now every young mom listening right now is like, we've just scarred her for life.

Well, maybe we show them a better way to do it though. You know? Like, I mean, if you could prep the kid and say, you know, like, you can do this. And I know that this is going to be hard, but use that bridge, right? Like, when I see you again, you are going to have been to preschool for the first time. Isn't that exciting, right? That is a huge takeaway. So I want to make sure we take a highlighter and highlight it. Aimee's sharing a technique that tons of

psychologists and researchers talk about, which is creating a bridge between this moment and something in the future. And they always say that when you drop a little one off at a daycareer's school, you build that bridge and are like, I'm going to see you tonight. I'll be here to pick you up. You're going to have a great day playing with your friends and I'm going to come back and then we're going to do this and the same thing. I'll see you with Thanksgiving. I'll see you in a couple months when I come visit.

I'll see you in a week or so. And so creating a bridge is a wonderful way to provide that emotional stability. I also want to take a minute and highlight two things. Lynn was talking about this ability that she's created, right, when she dropped her daughter off this year, to switch gears and to feel that pull like, oh my God, I'm going in, I'm going to the title wave, and then flip into a mode of strength. And Amy, I keep thinking about what you said, which is the way that you show up in those moments allows the people that you love to borrow your belief in

them. Yeah, I love that. That is so cool. Yeah, I mean, it's so important. I know I really needed that when I was little and I don't know that I got it all the time. And I know when I did receive it, I did so much better. You know, I really was able to ground myself

in the understanding that I could do it rather than panic about not being able to do it. So I think borrowing confidence from other people is a life skill. Because you're not only managing other people through change, you have to learn how to manage yourself through change, right? You have to learn how to manage yourself through change, right? You have to learn how to manage yourself through even just the day-to-day stuff, all these

little things and big things. How can I do this? And if you're overwhelmed, it's going to be a lot harder. But if you have even just a sliver of confidence, you know, even just like a little light through the crack of that disbelief that you have, there's a light of confidence like, well, I handled something like this before. I did freshman year, maybe sophomore year I could do, right? Like, I did nursery school. First grade's gonna be a little bit better, maybe.

If you can get that confidence somehow, either from somebody else or something that you've done in the past, I don't know, that's how I manage myself. And that's, I think, when I'm teaching my kids. Yeah. I had never thought about it that way. Like that, the role in that moment of drop off is to act in a way where you're exuding confidence and their ability. Yeah, you acknowledge this is going to be really hard.

And you're right. Junior doesn't feel like sophomore year did. And you're out living with the same people. And, you know, the same people aren't on campus and people have graduated. So it's not gonna be exactly the same, but it could be even better. And this is gonna be hard.

And I believe in you. And I believe when I see you again, you're gonna be doing great. And I love you. And I miss you. And then look them in the eye. Give them a big old hug and kiss. Then turn around and pretend you actually feel all those things as you walk away. Right. You got to walk away without sobbing and running back for that hug like I always do. Do not

do that. That's that's kiss a death. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I want to turn to you, Lynn. I don't mean to put you on the spot, but you're doing this for yourself because you left a job where you were for 10 years very successful and you are brand new to our team. And you're here in Vermont at our the first off site that we've had where you've been on the team. How are you coaching yourself through a big transition? Because, you know, we've been talking about being that confidence for someone else. How are you doing it for yourself? Because you don't even look slightly nervous. You know, I think I am,

because you always wonder, right? That little voice in your head that will say, am I the right person? Is this the right opportunity? But I just don't give myself permission to listen to that voice. I don't. I just know that I've been capable before of transition. I am not afraid of change, even though it's uncomfortable. I know I can do it. So I just keep telling myself that. And it's interesting you ask because I mentioned to my daughter this morning, I'm going through all these things too. You know, even as upset as you are, I know this is going to be

perfect. Like you loved last year, right? And I didn't even know if she would get emotional this year. I was kind of hoping I'd escape it. You know, I didn't. Yeah, but it's, you know, it's perfect because now I have something I can say to her that, I'm going through all this too. I don't know if the team's gonna like me or if I'm gonna be the right person for this job, but I'm going for it. And I'm just telling myself that I know I can do it

just the way you can and you are going to thrive this year. And she feels so confident, I know, just in the responses that I get from her, that that gives her that little boost of confidence that she doesn't quite yet have for herself. But over college transitions, job transitions, every transition, if we as the parents can do that for them, to just like you said, be that voice giving them that confidence, that maybe they just need that little push, eventually they'll do it for themselves. And they won't need us, and then they'll be doing it for their kids. I think one of the reasons why I've always been so triggered in these goodbye moments is

because I left home at 18 and I never moved back. Wow. I left Michigan to go to Dartmouth and it's not like I can drive home for a weekend. And so I would only see my parents on the big holidays. And then I stayed on the East Coast for jobs and for internships. And so I think part of what I carry into these transitional moments like I am thanking God. I'm not the one moving Kendall. In because these stir up so much for me like am I ever going to see you again? Does this mean you're going to live in LA forever? And I know intellectually, I just want you to live wherever you are happy. As much as I want you to be my next turn neighbor, which I would love, and I'd love to be in a business with my kids. I'd love to see them every day. I can't lay that on them. And so it brings up so much for me when

swear goes and travels in the back of my mind. it will be, oh, God, are you going to meet somebody as you're traveling? Are you going to live in Asia? Are you going to be so far away because I miss my parents terribly? Like one of the things that I hate the most about having raised our kids in Boston is that my parents weren't around because they're still in Michigan. And so I think that's also part of what makes it so difficult for me. And I love what you two are sharing because it's given me a new way other than shove down the trauma. Don't let your shit get on there, shit.

It's given me a different way to think about it. That you as a friend, as a family member, as a parent, as a partner, you have the ability to display confidence on someone's behalf. Yes. And that allows them to borrow it. Now, I always then saw in the car. That's a good idea.

Or in the airplane seat. Oh yeah, right. Or whatever move. Yeah, yeah. But that was really helpful, thank move. Yeah, but that was really helpful. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, thank you. Yeah, absolutely. So how would you then deal with that?

If you had to take Chris's place and move Kendall in, do you think you'd be able to do something different? Or do you think that it would be hard? Or because I'm sure there are a lot of people that are feeling like, how it actually does this look? How could I jump into that role? It's a great question, and I'm going to hit pause.

We're going to hear a word from our sponsors. Great. And that'll give me time to stall and think about a really good answer when we come back. Awesome. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins. I'm here with my friends and colleagues, Lynn and Amy, and we are talking about just going through these seasons of change. It's a huge drop-off back to school, new job kind of season as we're recording this right now. But this is a topic that is pertinent any moment in your life. And I didn't realize how deep this was going to go. Cause I thought we were just going to talk about tips for college drop off.

Yeah. I'm excited. School anxiety. And I'm like, I never went home after I went to college, stirring up all this shit about not living close to my parents that I miss up. And you just asked me, would I handle it differently? First, I have a confession.

I secretly hope Kendall doesn't end up in LA. And I notice I'm a bit of an asshole. Anytime she does any kind of griping about the LA scene, I'm like, yeah, you know, you really are just like an East Coast person. And I realized that I am doing this because I desperately want her to move back to these coasts. You're allowed to do that. And she was saying that, you know, when her friends said goodbye this weekend, they were here for her birthday and a bunch of them were moving to New York, she got really sad and was like,

I wish I was going to be in New York with all of them. And I'm like, I've actually, you can live in LA for a year then, you know, move back. So I'm being an asshole because I'm starting to plant that stuff, so I got to stop doing that. I could absolutely have a ball moving her in. I would get very teary when I said goodbye. very teary when I said goodbye. And I think part of it is because instead of holding the confidence that this is going to be one of the best years of your life and you're about to do the thing that you've been wanting to do forever. And I can't wait to see what you produce this year in terms of your music career. I think about like all the shit that impacts me. God, I'm getting older. I have these kids are, you know, sprouting their wings. Yeah. Wow. Like time's flying.

I start going there and get very self reflective. And I'm going to use what we've talked about today to stay in the space because I have a choice. I don't have to torture myself. I don't have to make everything so deep. That's what Kendall always says to me. Not everything's that deep, mom. You know, just because you're moving me into an apartment, doesn't mean you need to get that deep. Yeah. You could just stand in confidence and go go get them. Good luck paying your bills because this is it. This is the moment we've been waiting for. And I think what you both have said, flip the switch. Know your role in that moment. Yeah. Don't let it get too deep. Be confident about what's about to happen for them and exude it so that they can borrow it from you.

Yes. That fucking helps me. Thank you. Does anything else come up for you guys in terms of those moments? And then I'm gonna share one story quickly that is super important and I think everyone will get a lot of value out of. Yeah, I just think that, you know, what you just said is great and like you might get emotional, but that's okay.

You can get emotional with them and tell them you've got this. Like this is what you want and really ask them questions because maybe she does want to go to New York, but maybe she doesn't, right? And so she does, she talks about that. She does want to go.

Come on, come on, come on. But I think it's like, that would be music to your ears if she wanted to change your mind, but you don't want her to give up on her dream either. So it's like really being the voice to ask those probing questions even when we might want something, you know, and it's really up to us to say, what would your path look like? And just make sure that they are making the decision not to please us because I could get really comfortable with that. Like I could totally lead that. You're okay with causing that much guilt trip for people, right?

I could, I could. But would I be serving my kids in their futures? No, I wouldn't, so. Yeah. You know what else this makes me think of? Is those phone calls I got from our daughters when they were first at school sitting alone crying? And I'll tell you what really helped

is this idea of narrowing their focus. I acknowledge that it's hard. Say you're not the only one, but you got to narrow their focus. Let me tell you what I mean by that. My friend, Carri LaRenz, who's the first female at 14 fighter pilot, wrote a book called Span of Control and an emergency situation. There are only three dials that matter in a fighter jet. That's it. And you got to narrow your focus so that you can gain control. Where if you're like overwhelmed by something, it's super important that you narrow your focus. And so if you are going to get that Terry phone call, I don't think I can do this. Somebody is crying from the bathroom stall at a new job. Or, you. Or after a big sports practice at a new team

that one of your kids has made, they're really upset, narrow their focus. What can you do in the next hour? What's one thing that you could do? What could you focus on? Because part of what happens, I think, in these moments of change, whether you're at a new job

or you're sitting in your dorm room alone, is you're like, I don't know what to do. I'm in a new neighborhood. What do I do? I feel like a dork. I feel like the only one. I don't know anybody at work. I don't know what people are talking about. You have to get out of your office. You have to get out of your cubicle. You have to get out of your room. And you have to force yourself to start walking around and talking to people.

That'll make you feel better. It's the same thing when we moved here. Like, I wasn't going to meet anybody if I sat in my house and cried. I had to get to the coffee shop. I had to push myself out of that freeze mode and through my discomfort and keep reminding myself, Mel, this feeling is normal. You're going through a big change. It's going to pass, but bitch, you got to do something about it. Like you want friends, you get your butt out there. And the same is true with you and the same is true with the people you love. Another thing that's really helpful is

that if somebody is overwhelmed by going through change, a lot of times the response to it is to freeze. As you've been learning in a lot of episodes, freezing and procrastinating is a kind of anxiety or even a trauma response to something very overwhelming and change is always overwhelming. It's just part of the duality of it. We're learning this today is coach the people in your life to put some things in their calendar. Take a look at what's going on this week. What could you plan to do? Who could you reach out to at, you know, that you've met in the DMs and set up a lunch? Who could you ask to go to the cafeteria with you? Those sort of breadcrumbing

of dates with people or things to do or sign up for this event so that when you look at your calendar, you see forward motion. I got a call from a gal that I consider to be like one of my daughters, you know who you are. And she had pulled over on the side of a road and was calling me because she was having a panic attack. And I asked her, okay, well, tell me at first of all, tell me what do you see around you? So I used that grounding technique where you go, tell me one thing that you can see. Tell me, you know, something that you can hear right now.

And then we started breathing together. And I told her to put her hand on her heart. And so we like helped her drop into the moment and really ground into her body. And the dogs are barking right now. It's okay, we're gonna just keep on rolling because this is one of those hot on the mic kind of episodes. And we started talking and she was explaining all the stuff

that was going on. She had just graduated, the job that she was starting had been delayed, the family has just moved, mom has a big job, a grandfather's sick. And what I said to her was was, I said, you know, the fact that you're upset and kind of panicking right now tells me that you're mentally healthy. Because anybody going through this level of change

and that much transition, you should feel completely turned around. And so the fact that this is bothering you tells me you're well. Yeah. And I also want to remind you that it's temporary. And the most important thing that you could do is to remind yourself, this is temporary. The fact that I'm bothered by all of this change and I'm upset about it and I feel out of sorts is a sign that I'm doing well because I should feel out of sorts. I'm in a new environment.

There's a lot of change going on. And the same is true when you move back to school or you start a new grade or you start that new job, it's a sign that you're mentally well if you're turned upside down because everything is new. And your body needs time to process the new environment and the new rhythm and the new people around you and the new space that you're living or working in and the new commute

and the new everything. And it's really a good sign that even though you're excited, you're nervous and you feel activated, that's because there's so much new stuff for you to learn and absorb right now. And so if you can remind yourself that it's temporary. And if you can take a deep breath and tell yourself that the fact that I'm upset about this change doesn't mean that it's gonna be bad.

It just means I'm going through change. This is my process. And I want to personally say to you too, thank you, because I am not dropping off Kendall, but metaphorically, I'm gonna think when I say goodbye to her on Sunday night and she and Chris drive down. I'm gonna put my hands on her beautiful cheeks

and I'm gonna look her straight in the eye and I'm gonna say, I know that this is gonna be hard, but it's only gonna be hard for a little bit. And I believe in you. And remember, this is how you do change. It sucks for two weeks. Just get into a good rhythm and before you know it, you're gonna be better than you ever imagined. I love you. Go get them. And then I'm gonna turn around. I'm gonna

pull my shoulders back and I'm gonna stomp away from her like I meant it because I do. And as soon as I turn the corner, I will collapse. And one of the dogs is crying because you leave it. Sounds right. That sounds right. And that's how we do change here on the Mel Robbins podcast. That's right. I love it. Like some fucking powerful bitches. That's how we do it. Fantastic. My biggest takeaway today is just this idea of being a surrogate of confidence for somebody else. Just because somebody that you love is upset, you don't have to cry with them. In fact, it's better if you just acknowledge that this is hard and then say, now pull up your big girl panties and get your ass out there and go make some friends. All right. Well, in case no one else tells you, you're mentally well because you're nervous.

And I love you. And I love nervous. And I love you. And I love you. And I love you. And we believe in you. We believe in your ability to just go through whatever you're going through and know that you've got what it takes to get through it. And we believe that. So borrow the confidence that you need from us. And we'll talk to you in a few days. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪

[♪ BEEP! [♪ Is this me? Yeah. OK, OK. Yeah. It's me. You're done. Mm-hmm.

OK. Test, test, test. All right. OK, now we're all talking at the same time. They grow at the same level. All three of us have one major takeaway from this. And it's that I forgot what the takeaway was. Oh, this is your process.

We turn this fuck around, right? Okay, good. Oh, I was looking at a couple of times. You're managing. Fuck yeah, that's how we do it here. That's how we do it. Okay, and the team just showed up, so. Amazing.

They're gonna shit themselves and they hear that we just did another episode. Amazing. Mel. Fancy Lynn. Come on. Really? Come on. Great job. and they hear that we just did another episode. Oh, yes! Oh, my God. Fans, Lynn! Woo! Come on! Really?

Come on! Great job! Lynn! Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. legal language. You know what the lawyer's right and what I need to read to you.

This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher.