The Mel Robbins Podcast - A Toolkit for Families: Practical Wisdom That Makes You Closer to the People You Love

Episode Date: December 22, 2022

I’ve got a very special invitation for you today. Grab a spot on the couch next to me and my family here in Southern Vermont.  Join our family as our three kids discuss all the parenting mistakes Chris and I made – and the things we did that built trust and brought us all closer. I’m really excited and proud to share this with you, even though there are moments where my kids absolutely school me. They also share wisdom and insights that are so profound, you’ll hear Chris break down and cry. This really isn’t a conversation about parenting at all. It’s about how you create a close and meaningful connection with anyone. So whether you’re wondering how to get closer to your family or your friends, everything we discuss applies to all relationships. This episode goes deep – we cover drinking, drugs, addiction, and what to do when teenagers stop talking to you or someone you love is dating someone that you don’t like. And, since so many of you have written in asking about my approach to parenting after hearing our kids on various episodes of this podcast, I’m also sharing our parenting philosophy. My family is getting real and raw in this discussion, and we’re inviting you to be a part. So join us. I can’t wait to hear your thoughts on this episode, and one thing you might want to consider is listening to it with your family. I guarantee you, it will spark very interesting discussions. Xo Mel  In this episode, you’ll learn: 0:32: Why I recorded today’s episode3:25: Meet the Robbins family6:02: You keep asking: How are my kids so open with me?7:30: A frank discussion on drinking12:33: Why people don’t listen to you14:10: What Chris and I think the whole point of parenting really is18:27: Let’s talk about addiction, including groundbreaking new research from Mt. Sinai25:15: Our #1 piece of advice that will keep people honest with you30:55: What we mean when we say people in your life are “lie detectors”33:07: Why showing your feelings to loved ones is so powerful36:58: How to build connection with anyone40:52: When you keep repeating patterns you wish you could break44:44: Why you need to let kids be themselves50:52: Why you shouldn’t let people bounce from uncomfortable situations52:39: “I don’t like who my kid is dating” – advice that applies for any relationship1:01:52: Our #1 piece of advice for you For full show notes, go to melrobbins.com/podcast 

Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to a very open and intimate episode of the Mel Robbins podcast. I have been so looking forward to this conversation today because I know that I am going to learn something today. What are we talking about? We're talking about relationships and how to create open, trusting relationships. And I wanted to do this show because so many of you

have been writing in and asking questions in particular about how it is that I have such an open relationship with our three adult kids. And look, I just wanna start by saying, I am not a perfect parent. Chris and I have screwed a tremendous amount of things up as it relates to raising three kids. But one of the things that I'm really proud of

is we do have a very open relationship with our two daughters and our son. And I love that. And it's taken a lot of work. And a lot of you have noticed that, whether you were listening to the episode that I did with our 17 year old son Oakley about self hatred and self acceptance, or you heard the episode with our daughter Kendall, who's 22. That was the episode where you got to listen in on a conversation that happened live where she had just literally found out that somebody that she had been hooking up with

was now interested in someone else. And so we processed that disappointment together and let you listen in on it. And you know, I even had a conversation with our daughter who's 23, so I are about, how do you have fun as a family? How do you break apart those family dynamics? And one thing that I noticed is that so many of you appreciated those episodes with our adult kids because you shared them with your family members. And that enabled you to connect more deeply.

It allowed your kids to open up with you, and I just love that. And so, I thought, why don't we get together as a family and answer your questions? Because your questions ranged from, are your kids really that open? Or how do you create that level of honesty and trust? And more importantly, how do I get my kids to open up to me, particularly if they're

not? So, instead of taking a guess at how you should do that, I thought, why not ask the experts in this case about what parents should do? And again, I probably shouldn't call my kids experts because they're not. They're 23, they're 22, they're 17. They certainly have their flaws. And one of them is that they swear. And so I just wanted to put that disclaimer right

at the top that you are listening to young adults. There are some four letter words. There's not a whole lot in here, honestly, but there are some. So in case you got little ears, I just wanted to give you that warning. But I just figured it it might be kinda cool. If my husband, Chris, our daughter, soyer,

and our daughter, Kendall, and our son, Oakley, pile on to a big couch at our house here in Vermont, and we ask you to join us as we answer the questions that you've submitted. So I'm sitting here with my husband, Chris, of 26 years. He is our rock. He's our spiritual center. You're the foundation. You're the core of the earth. We just revolve around you. Yeah, clearly. Except Oakley's Pluto.

Let me introduce Mel Robbins. She is our tornado. Our whirlwind. Our fun seeker. And of course my wife. Thank you for bringing us all together. So how about you introduce your sister Kendall? Okay so we have here the middle devil child Kendall Robbins. She is an amazing singer, very dedicated, very beautiful. We love her. Let's give it up for Kendall Robbins. Oh Kendall is... How old are you? Oh, she's 22 and 18 months younger than me. Thank God. Hello everybody. My name is Kendall. Thank you for that lovely intro, so here To my right we have mini Chris. He actually doesn't have his own personality quite yet. He's trying to steal everything from my dad Okay, 17 born on St. Paddy's day. Born on St. Paddy's day. He is an amazing brother. He is the most mature, in touch, intelligent,

just kind man I've ever met at his age. And I don't just say that because I'm biased because trust me, I hated him for a very long time. However, we've crossed that bridge. But this is Oakley. He's 17. He's great. And he's going to introduce Sawyer. Hi guys, I'm Oakley Kendall. Thank you for that wonderful introduction. To my left, Sawyer Robbins 23, right? 22. 23, I am in fact older than Kendall as no one.

I know to say. Anyway, she's 23. She's graduated from college, BC, huge. Her favorite guy's blue. Do you know what I do for a living? I don't know if I should reveal like your personal information. Dude, that's totally fine.

My social security number is... Sorry, I was in South Boston. She's working at a cybersecurity company. I'll take it from here. Please do. Soir is the most hardworking person next to my mom, I would say. Dad, we love you. Okay.

Good job, everybody, on the intros. So here's what I want to start with. So many people have remarked about the openness that you guys have all displayed on various episodes of the podcast. And so the first place that I want to start is that we have a listener that wrote this question in. Now, are your kids really that open? Or was that just them being that way for the podcast taping? So, why don't you tackle that one?

To answer the question point blank, yes, definitely very open. I tell them almost everything. I consider myself extremely open. I tell them anything from work to friend problems, to boyfriend issues, etc. But I am actually the least open when now looking to my siblings simply because I choose what I share with them and that is a lot but not every single detail. Why do you share stuff with us? Growing up we always had a very open relationship, one of the core things that you both instilled in all of us is you will never ever get in trouble for telling the truth.

If we were telling you completely upfront and honestly what we were doing, where we were going, who we were going with, or in general, like what is going on in our lives, then regardless of what it was, we would never be punished for that. And I will always remember I had an incident with my first time drinking. I drank a whole handle of vodka and I'm the oldest, so that was my first rodeo.

And I woke up in the morning and I was petrified, puke all over myself, sleeping on the window bench. I thought I was just toast. Like, I thought I was dead meat. I was so scared. And then we all sat down in the screen in porch, and they both said to me, we will never punish you for something

that we also did as kids. After you guys said that, I just felt so much more at ease. And my punishment that day was actually going to a lacrosse try out, which I yak debt several times. But then I looked at my other friends who would get in trouble for drinking or for doing things we weren't allowed

to, and they would immediately be grounded. And that just kind of put a huge barrier between, I think, them and their parents, which was just, let's be sneaky, let's steal, let's sneak out, let's go to parties and lie about where we are from very early on. You both were very vocal about as long as you are honest, you will not get in trouble. And I think that that just eliminated the barrier between us completely. I think a lot of parents say that. I think that is every parent's throw away line. Hey, as long as you tell me the truth, you're not going to get in trouble. As long as you call me, you're not going to get in trouble. As long as you call me, you're not going to get in trouble.

And then in the tsunami of emotions, when you get the call that your kid is blacked out, or there's been a huge party, or the police showed up, or whatever else, most parents freak out and then ground or punish. No, I disagree. I disagree for you to say that every parent out there Just makes a blanket statement that says just tell us the truth and you'll be fine like no way that that therein lies I think one of the secrets the keys to the kingdom is inviting that truth telling Because most people don't I agree I I actually think that it was unspoken

and a lot of my friends' households growing up that if you tell us the truth, you won't get in trouble, but there was a difference between what they were saying and what they were doing in terms of the parents. The parents want you to tell the truth, but they're still gonna punish you. You guys want us to tell the truth, but you're not gonna punish us.

You actually do what you say you're gonna do as parents. Mel, is that what your parents told you? Because I didn't get that from my parents. The message to me was it takes a long time to build trust and it takes two seconds to shatter the trust. So Mel, what's one thing that you think you got right as a parent? Well, my number one goal as a parent, and I know it's your goal to Chris, was to get you kids to come and talk to me and dad about the important topics in your life. You know, I always thought if you're 13, 14, 15, or 16, way better to talk through something you're thinking about or

worried about or wanting to try and all that stuff with adults who will listen to you, then going to other 14, 15, or 16-year-olds that don't know what the hell they're doing. Kendall, you're nodding at me. Do you want to add something to this? I agree with that. I also have such an open relationship with my parents arguably to open. But definitely to open. Yeah, zone take notes for me. I turned out fine, sort of. But what I was going to say is you were just saying, it's so much better for kids at that age

to go to their parents who will listen to them rather than their dipshit friends. But that's the issue is that parents don't listen. My definition of listen, as you guys have defined what listen means to me and it's like internalizing what we're saying. Like parents all around the world can just listen to their kid be like, I really want to go to this party tonight like blah, blah, blah, blah, or like can I plead like whatever it may be. Oh, I got too drunk at this party or oh, I slept with someone before I was ready. Like there's a difference between hearing what they're saying

and actually listening and internalizing how it's making them feel. I feel like every time we told you guys something as kids, you would actually empathize with us and hear us and internalize it. In doing that, you were able to loosen the reins a little bit and let us fuck up and let us fail and let us, instead of being like, you're stupid, you're like, you're being punished. That was dumb. You were like, let's talk about it. How is it making you feel, blah, blah, blah?

So you're saying in these conversations that we were having as you were growing up, you had that sense of feeling heard inside of. Yes. Yes. Absolutely. Oh. My dad is born! I hate when you cry. I really wasn't planning on this. But no, totally. I feel like most kids don't talk to their parents because their parents don't hear them and don't listen to them. So why would they? I think a lot of my friends, for example, whenever they would want to go on a trip

or go to a party or do anything they want to do, and they already knew in the back of their head that their parents didn't want them to, or we're gonna say no, they go into the conversation to talk about that and express how they're feeling. And as a kid, I think we all come from the exact same scenario where we want to explain why we want to go to this thing or go to this trip or why we should

be able to do this, etc. But on the other end, the parents, like Kendall said, may be listening, but they already have an answer in the back of their head. Their mind is made up. There's no room for conversation or changing. I think that when kids go into conversations with parents who immediately make up their mind do not allow for any sort of alterations or changes to the plan, then you're just set up for failure because then it just turns

into sneakiness and hatred and all that stuff. Yeah, resentment. Parents and children should not obviously be equal. Parents need to have a little bit of authority over children, but I think what I really appreciated most. And a lot, Yeah, for sure. At the end of the day, like I always felt as a child, like you're equal. What does that mean?

Because I don't think Dad and I ever bought into the parenting philosophy of being your friends. If I had to summarize the way that we think about parenting, is I think about parenting as though our job is to help you figure out who you are And that means learning how to think through decisions learning how to come to terms with your own values learning the weight of the consequences of decisions and that the whole point of parenting Is for you to grow up and leave

and go find somebody that you love as much as Dad and I, love one another and go build a family and to become more of who you are. And so we were always focused on connection first, correction dead last. I feel like I'm so open because you guys were so open with me. Like I feel like I could go to you guys, I could ask you guys something about your life and you'd tell me. There

was nothing that you really hid from me. Maybe there was or maybe I was just so young that I didn't really ask, but you were very open, which was super nice. And I also felt like you guys had my back, like 100% of the time no matter what. For example, I went to camp for a month and I got bullied. And so my mom found out about it and she took me out a week early,

which felt really nice because it showed that, she cared about how I was feeling and she understood that and she acted upon it, which was really helpful for me and it showed that she has my back. And she continued to show me that throughout the rest of my life. Oh, that makes me feel so good knowing that you feel that way about me,

Oak, thanks. Yeah, I guess what I'm gathering from this is that it really is about seeking connection with you guys. And that required us to learn how to listen. It required us to learn how to hear your points of view, even though oftentimes what you were saying was stupid or immature or dangerous or rational or emotional or, but still to respect you enough to listen because we always had guardrails.

And there was nothing that you were going to do that was going to be dangerous. We weren't going to let you do anything that was self-destructive or destructive to other people. And there's nothing that we were ever going to allow you to do, or be in a situation that could be dangerous, deadly, or discriminatory against other people. And so while it might not have seemed like it, there were guardrails there. And the guardrails were things that dad and I are very, very intense about. But I think that your guardrails are like around morals and like who we are as human beings.

Yes. Not behavioral things. Can you give an example? Be a kind person. Hold the door for people. Say thank you. Ask the waiter's name. Like you never put up guardrails that were like activities or experiences or things we

do. It's how we are within those experiences are where the guardrails are. Oh, okay. What about you? Did you feel like if you told the truth, we were gonna listen? Yeah, whenever we told the truth, we wouldn't get in trouble, which was definitely reinstated, because I feel like whenever we were able to tell the truth

and be honest, you'd tell us what we did wrong and you'd tell us why it was wrong, but you wouldn't punish us. You would just talk us through it. But like if we lied and we didn't tell you, I'm trying to think if there was anything where I lied to you guys, I didn't tell you guys something.

I can't think of something. I'll have to tell my head I can't think of anything, but there were definitely times where I would lie or I wouldn't tell you the truth and I would get in trouble for that because lying is wrong and that's what you shouldn't be doing. By the way, I know we're going to be here a while but can we get a bathroom break or something? Like I need to go.

Oh my god. Okay, well we're going to hit the pause. We'll hear from sponsors and then how about we come back? You guys rock. Okay. So I've got another question for you three. What are some do's and don'ts that you've seen either dad or I do or other parents do? Kendall, why don't we start with you? Let your kids figure it out

themselves. Never with drinking and driving. Obviously. Honestly, if somebody is like gateway drugging their way into heroin or cocaine or becoming an alcoholic at a young age, like I can bet you that there there is a massive lack of love and appreciation and being heard and being seen in their household. And it's probably coming from their parents. Hate to call you guys out, but it's probably coming from their parents. And you know what? Hold on, Kendall. Because this issue about addiction is way more complicated. Particularly with your age group,

there are a lot of kids that get into drugs because of a sports injury. And then they get addicted to the prescription drugs after surgery. And there's also kids that struggle with mental health issues. And they reach for drugs or alcohol to try to numb out. And there's also all of this emerging research about how some of us have addiction running in our family, like we do, right Chris? I mean, there's a lot of addiction that runs in this family. Oh, yeah. I think it's a generational issue as well as a genetic one. Well, that genetic one is really interesting because I was just looking at a brand new study

yesterday, Chris. It's groundbreaking research from Mount Sinai School of Medicine. They have figured out that there are disruptions in certain pathways of people's brains that may predispose somebody to drug addiction and that are correlated with earlier use of drugs than peers. And so they've just isolated this new pathway. And so you're absolutely right when it comes to genetics. So I don't think that you're saying that all parents are responsible if their kids are

struggling with addiction. But what I do here is I hear you saying that based on you and your experience watching your peers struggle with these issues, it's clear to you. That they're not talking to their parents about what's actually going on for real. And that someone who struggles with addiction feels a lack of love, whether it's a lack of self-love or in some cases a lack of love from their home life. And that's a huge problem that only makes us worth. Yes. Instead of the like, yeah, you find out that they're doing cocaine, that's terrifying. You like, that's, I can't even imagine what that's like as a parent, but instead of

seeing that and having some rash, crazy reaction about like, we're throwing all this out, we're putting you into this, we're putting you into therapy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, therapy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. What I think would be more impactful is like sitting their kid down and being like, can we have it like, you're not, here's a punishment, you're not leaving this table until we actually talk this through because there's gotta be a lot more deep-seated issues than just this bag of white powder. The issue is that like parents are just so quick

to be like, they're so afraid of it becoming a bigger issue. When the real issue is the deep-seated hurt that the kid is feeling and the love that they're not getting. I can hear how passionate you are because you've seen friends whose parents aren't addressing this head on and they're not talking about the deeper issue. Whether that deeper issue is mental health

or it's a lack of self-worth or trauma or addressing the home life issues that need to be addressed as a family in order to support their child in feeling loved and in getting healthy again. I also want to add though that like, if the parent is not the actual person to talk to, then a license therapist is.

And so it's not searching the house to get rid of all the coke and the weed to make sure they don't have any because I can assure you we're smart, we can find it like anywhere. Well, one thing's clear you guys, it's that these situations are painful and complicated. And when someone you love is struggling with addiction,

seeking professional help is critical. I mean, even though we have a solid relationship with you guys, if it were one of you or hell, Chris, I mean, you recognize that you were struggling with an addiction. And you basically, you got help? Yeah, I think that I thought long and hard about what I experienced growing up as a child

and how my parents partied and did their thing and how it became habitual, particularly for my dad, who I'm not sure was an alcoholic, but definitely somebody who was high functioning with alcohol. And so it was always around. And that exposure, I think, led me into forming my own habits. Smoke and pot and hit in the weed pen. And own habits. Smoking pot and hitting the weed pen and it was daily therapy. Certainly was instrumental in helping me discover some of this and recognize that the that behavior pattern was in fact the source of depression. Damn. I had no idea. I would have never guessed that. I'm actually so surprised.

Like, I'm looking back. I would have never guessed that you'd do that every single day. That's insane. Yeah, Oak, and I'm just really proud of you, Chris, for getting help. Every one of us in this family talks to a therapist. Maybe that's why we get along. That's why we work our stuff out with somebody who's subjective

so that we don't take it out on each other. But that's also kind of recent. That's true. I mean, we have not been a family who has sought out therapy years and years ago. Not that I think any of us ever felt like it was taboo, not been a family who has sought out therapy years and years ago. Not that I think any of us ever felt like it was taboo, but it certainly never occurred to me.

Also something maybe generational. Like our own parents generation, I don't think things like therapy, even popped on the radar for people. So. Well, we all got to therapy because of a breakdown. And we're all doing, at least today, pretty solid. And I think therapy is just a phenomenal gift

that you give to yourself because you talk with an objective party about what's going on in your life instead of taking it out in real time on the people that you care about. And you come up with ways to see things connecting, you get greater self-awareness, you come up with strategies and tools. So, I'm glad that where we landed in terms of addressing this question

is by underscoring everything by saying, look, if you're struggling with anything, seek some help, get support. Do not try to do this on your own period. Okay, shall we move on to another question? Let's do so. Let's do it, everybody. Let's lighten the mood. All right. We got a question from Avery. I'm listening to the episode where Mel talks about her daughter's love life dilemma with Kendall. I have a four year old daughter, and I want her to feel comfortable

talking to me about these kinds of issues when she's in college. How do you raise kids who share information about their lives with you? Can you give people a tool that you could use? Kendall, you want to take this one? The tool that you can use is a warm and excited and interested invitation to asking your kids about their life and showing genuine interest in their life. And I think that in that interest, it like makes your kids want to tell you more in an authentic way.

So, I think continuing to ask and continuing to be interested, continuing to be welcoming is very important, but if they are not receptive, don't take that as just never asking. Again, I think continue to ask, continue to be interested, but there are times in life when they will not want to tell you. And you need to be respectful of that.

And I think it's when parents often overstep and won't stop asking and have to know that. So that's a great point is that a parent can comfortably be okay with not hearing anything in response. That silence does not need to be misinterpreted as deafening and that there's something wrong, but just that... Because asking lets them know we're here, we want to listen, we love you. Just keep asking whether or not you get an answer. That's the answer. Next question. I have a question from Andre, and she's worried that she's gonna screw up her kid by saying something or doing something wrong, and she wants to know how do you not do that.

One of the things that Dad and I have done well is we have screwed up. We have said things wrong, and we are not perfect, but we're really fast and good at apologizing and taking responsibility for the things that we do wrong or the things that we realize we regret and hindsight. If you realize you're just a good person and you're doing the best that you can with whatever you got in terms of your own issues and you're quick to take responsibility for them. I think it does show that you're open and that you're human and that you're trying. I agree. Dad, do you have anything to say

about that? It is fascinating to be hearing about like things that we might think we did well or didn't do well. Yeah, another big thing, Injury, I'm sorry if I'm saying your name wrong, beautiful name, by the way, is honest communication. As parents, be in honest communication with each other, and with your kids, be in honest communication. Like, what does that mean, Kendall? I feel like you guys were so open and honest in your communication with us, and you would always tell us what was going on or why something was happening.

Or if we asked a question, you would always tell us. And I like, I think that watching YouTube be honest with one another inspires us to want to be honest with you. And another thing too, like under the umbrella of honest communication is like, I have so many vivid memories of like growing up as a family like sitting around the fireplace

or sitting at dinner or sitting, like gathering, like you guys made such a conscious effort, whether you know it or not to gather us as a family and to just talk about literally whatever it may be, with the fireplace would ever green, mint, food, our love lives, whatever, like you made such a conscious effort to gather us together and get us all talking and

Communicating with one another that like there were so many times when I was like, I don't want to fucking talk to you guys for 40 minutes at the end of dinner I want to go play polypockets upstairs But then but now that I'm at my age, it's like those are the memories that I cherish the most, and those are the moments that I look forward to the most, which are like the rabbit hole conversations we get down. I'm trying to stay on track with the question, but like making a conscious effort to like talk to your kid, and like making it like a ritualistic thing, where like you talk to them after dinner,

you're talking to them in the car, and like whether they like it or not, or whether they're showing they don't like it at that point, and maybe they won't, but like, I think that they'll really appreciate that in the car and like, whether they like it or not or whether they're showing they don't like it at that point. And maybe they won't, but like, I think that they'll really appreciate that in the long run, because I know we all did. I think though, like, under the umbrella of honest communication, I think a massive part

of that is vulnerability, because I think watching my mom and dad grow up, literally I've seen my dad and my mom cry and break down and not be strong and tell us what's going on in their life, how traumatic it is, how sad, how frustrating, how simple it may be and be on the ground sobbing, which I think for a kid is a little bit jarring at first to witness like your most idolized person as your parent be weak, but I think that watching our parents

sit at the dinner table and ball their eyes out because worked and go well that day, or because they had a hard conversation with a friend, and being completely open and honest about it, just essentially made that possible for all of us to do the same. That's really big. When you guys talk about honest communication, most adults forget that kids are truth tellers.

And you also are lie detectors. And so when you say honest communication, what you're saying is you trusted us because what we were saying matched your felt experience and your actions in our actions. We tried very much to make sure that if either one of us were truly upset or frustrated or disappointed or sad that you knew that it wasn't about you, that it was something going on in our lives, that you were not to blame for negative emotions that we were feeling. Is that true, Soyer? Yes, you were very outspoken about that. When you would be in a bad mood or something you would make sure, even like

the first thing you would say, I feel like when you would come in the room, this is not about you. This has to do with something else and then you would continue to be a bitch, but it's fine. We did do all right. If the first born is actually saying that stuff, normally it would just be the third born that would pick up on it. I love you guys. I love you too. So far, the takeaway for me is seek connection.

Because people are going to want to know the how. Like we're talking conceptually. No seek connection over correction is so big. So big. You will, you will correct your kids through connecting with them. If you want your kids to be open with you, you have to model being open with them. And that doesn't mean sharing inappropriate things. If you want your kids to be open with you, you have to model being open with them.

And that doesn't mean sharing inappropriate things, because I don't think you guys should have access to the details about our marriage. That's for dad and I. And so I feel like you have to model openness. You have to talk about what's going on in your life. You have to talk about your feelings. You've got to show your feelings. I think that you guys showing that you're,

that like at times you are weak shows that you're human. It gives us more space to do that too. In being weak, in crying in front of us, like I think so many parents just try to look so strong and perfect in front of their kids all the time, but it's like by showing your kids that like you guys are also human, like allows your kids to feel those things too as they start to grow up.

I know so many of my friends till this day as a 23 year old, a lot of them have been like, I've never seen my parents cry ever. And not saying that you need to walk downstairs and ball your eyes out every goddamn day, but like not showing your true emotion to your kids is sad and not real life, honestly. Yes.

Yes. And I think that hiding that from your kids and putting on a smile every single day makes a kid feel like they can't have a bad day. Yeah, I'd say it's especially influential for guys. makes a kid feel like they can't have a bad day. Yeah, I'd say it's especially influential for guys. I feel like there's this stigma around men where they hide their true emotion. And when you're growing up and you look towards your father,

I mean, there's a huge relationship there and you learn a lot and you take a lot from your father. And I mean, of course your mother's influential, but she's not a guy. So you relate more to your dad. So when you're able to see your dad cry and show weakness, that makes you feel like it's okay to do that. And so whenever we were eating dinner as a kid

and I saw my dad cry, I was never filled with like, oh, it's so sad that he's crying. I was like, I love that my dad's crying right now. What do you love about it? I just love how open he is and just like, how... I don't know open he is and just like, how, I don't know, he's able to express himself openly, like I love to cry because of him.

I'm just because of everybody, but I love to cry. So, do you see showing your emotion as a guy, as a strength? Yes, 100%. You can't just like bottle up all your emotions at Ridae. It's not healthy. Is that why you're so self-aware and expressive, you think? Maybe.

I don't know, but I have no idea. Yes. Sure. What impact is this had on you in terms of who you've become? I think I've done when we become a more open person because I've seen my dad be so open with us. I've had that influence from him showing me that like, hey, a really respectable person is somebody

who can be open and show who they are. Have you ever cried in front of your friends? Oh my God, I cry everywhere. You do? Not everywhere, I don't cry, okay. I don't cry that much, but like, I can cry in front of anybody. No, I'm not ashamed of everywhere. I don't cry. Okay. I don't cry that much. But like, I can cry in front of anybody. I'm not a, I'm not ashamed of it. I love to cry. Crying, crying rocks, except I'm like

drained after I cry. I can relate to that. You know, I also think that a lot of parents believe that you just got to stay strong because that is what makes kids feel safe. And what I hear you saying, though, is that actually when you see them being human, it makes you know that you can be human too. It's like a strength. Yeah, 100%. That's totally... But to reiterate what source says, like you're not breaking down every single night

in front of your kids. I feel like at that point, you might want to begin some help. But, you know, if you're breaking down, like every so often, like perfect, amazing. Like you're showing that, but if you're like the dinner table crying every single night, like, time to go to therapy.

Totally. It's like honest feeling and communication. Like yeah. All right, let's move on to the next question. Okay, but take away. Don't be a dictator. Just be vulnerable. Yeah, connection, over correction.

All right, speaking of connection, I personally need to connect with a snack. So our family is going to take a break. Listen to a short word for our sponsors, and we got a really great question. Coming up next. Coming up next. All right, welcome back. We're still sitting here on the couch and, right? Yeah, we're on the couch.

Okay, here we are. How do great snack. Okay. Well, now we're refueled and let's go to this question from Christy. So her daughters are teenagers and she writes, they've stopped connecting with me the way they used to and they're often behind closed doors or staring at their phone and I'm envious of the connection that you have with your daughters in particular. How can I get my teenage daughters to open up to me?

First and foremost, Kristi, there's going to be days when they're going to want to be locked up in the rooms on their phone and and you're just gonna have to keep a smiling face on, keep going, like, no, that it's not personal at all. There's a long-ass moment in all of our lives, especially as teenage girls, that like, your friends are more important than your family. That's just how it goes in your development. That's just how it happened. So, I and I have both felt that simultaneously. But I think like something that I wouldn't say my mom and my dad didn't do, but I wish they would have done more of is like had more fun with us in those ages. Like made experience happen between me,

so, and my mom that like both so, and I would have so much fun doing like going to paint pottery together and then going to CPK because they're food fucking slaps. They're like, you know what I mean? Like going to the mall and going shopping or like girls today, we're gonna go to the pumpkin patch.

And if you wanna bring your friends, bring your friends. Like I think like showing that you care about your daughters and their friends, but also making time for the three of you to have fun together. Like those memories will just be like so crystallized in their minds. Yeah, I didn't do that enough. I completely agree with Kendall. As a teenage girl, I was angry and angsty and I literally sat up in my room

as soon as I got home from sports and did my homework went to bed and then went to school. And on the weekends, there was no time for family. It was just friends. And that, like Kendall said, is honestly a phase in life. And as they grow older, I can assure you that family does become more important, especially in college when you move away and you realize that, oh my gosh, I'm not living with them all the time. I get to go see them and that day will come instead of just waiting for that day to come.

I completely agree with Kendall in creating experiences that you know your kids will enjoy, especially your daughters creating experiences that involve their hobbies, their interests, if they like horseback riding, take them to a horseback riding show. If they like shopping, take them on a shopping trip, something like that. And including their friends in those plans, I think. I think you did a really good job of, I know I hosted a lot more than Sawyer did at our

house, but you were so, both of you were so more than Sawyer did at our house, but like, you were so, both of you were so great about like, you want to be around me. But if that means that I'm not going to be present with you, but I'll be outside with my friends, so be it. Like, you were so good about that. And I think that's a huge thing for parents. Like, if they want to be with their friends, like, and you want to be with them, like letting your kids know that like, you're put your house.

And I know that not everyone's homes can accommodate like lots of friends and stuff but if you have a space where you can invite your kids to be with their friends that's huge. And they will keep bringing their friends back like I did. And I just want to highlight that we did not have some big house. In fact, we didn't even have a basement that the kids could hang out in because it was dirt and scary and spider webby, and you couldn't even stand up straight in the thing. We had no playroom, we didn't have some big back yard with a pool,

but we did have a yard, and we had a garage, and the kids had bedrooms, and so I just wanna say, you don't have to have a big house. If you got a room that the friends can hang out in, if you got a front yard or a park across the street, you got a place for your kids and their friends to gather. All right, here's a question from a fe. Good.

As a mom of two grown daughters and a son who's still at home, I feel very regretful. I wish I could have done things differently. And now I'm seeing my screw-ups play out in their lives, and it overwhelms me and brings me to my knees. And yes, I tell myself you did the best you could with what you knew, but that only gets me so far because I know in my gut I could have been doing things way differently. And yet I kept repeating the same things because I was stuck in patterns.

How is parents? Can we find peace now that our eyes are wide open about the mistakes that we made and actually start building a bridge back to our kids again? I think this is a question for the both of you. Wait, no, I actually have an answer. Tell them. Yes.

Tell your kids how you're feeling. It's never too late to build a beautiful relationship with them. I know that I'm very lucky to be a part of the Robin's family, but everybody that's been requesting and sending in questions for my mom, tell your kids you're feeling this way. That is the most important thing you can do. It makes them feel so much more seen when you just tell them, like, imagine how it would feel when you just tell them like,

imagine how it would feel if you just told your kid, I wanna connect with you and I feel like I fucked up a little bit in the past. It's incredible and I often think that the most profound advice is right in front of our face. And it's true. I can instead of talking to your girlfriends or your spouse go straight to your dull kids and say like, I really regret that I didn't do more with your friends.

I regret that I was not around as much as I would have liked to have been. I regret that we were struggling so badly, financially, that I couldn't afford to do those things. And so it does make me sad, but it's one of the reasons why I'm like, oh, note to self. Instead of trying to drag your kids closer to you, if you want to be closer to your kids, go to them. Go to them where you said hobbies, so you're like, don't make them do the shit that you like to do.

Go do with your kids what they like to do. Even if you don't like their friends, invite their friends to be with you because then your child is going to want to hang with you. I think also going off that, the perfect example that I can think of is like Oakley is really into video games and used to be a gamer. Well he is a gamer, but like no, I used to be a big. Well, he is a gamer, but like, no. I've used to be a big gamer, and my dad is not. He doesn't play video games, but he brought him

to a video game conference, and they had an amazing time and bonded, and I think that that was so special because my dad is not sitting with Oakley playing video games for eight hours every day But the fact that he can but the fact that he can like take you to a conference and bond with you that way even though video games Is not his top of mind interest is the perfect example with diving into your kids lives Even into something that makes you feel uncomfortable or just know nothing about? I was honestly a really cool experience because I don't even remember asking Dad to do that with me.

My dad was like, there's this thing in moment video games you want to go. And I was like, yeah, I want to go with you. That'll be so much fun. And so I remember we just went, we walked around and we looked at all these booze and we played games together. And it was a really cool and fun experience.

And I definitely will always remember that. And it was really cool seeing him take interest in my life. That felt nice because it also made me feel like what I was doing was okay. There wasn't something wrong with what I enjoyed because he was willing to be like, let's go do something about that, which felt really nice at the time. Do you think a lot of parents make the mistake of forcing their kids to do things that they like instead of letting their kids be themselves? Yes.

Yes. Yes. There are a lot of life lessons and values in like making your kids play sports, but like our parents made Oakley play literally play every single sport. I'm just on from gymnastics to diving to soccer to lacrosse. And like he would play every single sport for half a season. He hated every single one of them and my parents would pull them out and be like, what do you want to try next?

And he would tell them. And I mean, you can speak on this more because this was your experience. But I think what you guys have mastered is like, you brought us into the world not so you could live through us, but so we could be our own people. And you have mastered the art of like, teetering between letting us be our own person and not being a fuck up.

And I think a lot of parents bring their kids into the world so they can live through them. And in doing that, make them play soccer until their bones are aching. Make them get straight A's because that's what they wish they would do. Make them do this. Make them do that until like they don't even know who the fuck they are by the time they're 22 and obviously they're not connected to their parents then they don't know who they are but what I think a lot of you guys listening to this podcast what I would advise you to do is like figure out how it feels for you

and what it looks like for you to bring somebody into the world so they can be their own person, not so you can make them be somebody that you wish you might have been. Like drop, that was phenomenal. Yeah, that basically was it. Okay, 18-year-old college freshman hates where she is. She's a long-term boyfriend who went to another college two hours away. A month before she left for college, she wanted to switch to the college her boyfriend was attending without even touring it. What do we do? Because she loved college before she went and then as mom says, she got real at orientation and now she wants to leave because she quote doesn't like college and has it met friends.

What do you say to your kid who does not like freshman fall of college? So I feel like you should handle this one. All right, let me just tell you something. This is the story of my life. This is exactly what happened to me. Word for word, I had a boyfriend at the time who went to University of Michigan. I went to Boston College.

I was obsessed with it. I was so excited to go. I was proud to be an eagle. I showed up and immediately didn't see the raw raw fraternities, sororities, I didn't have a massive friend group. I had one friend who I met at orientation and literally for the entire year she was my only friend. I was miserable.

I sat in my room every single day, bawling my eyes out, begging my parents to come pick me up because I didn't want to be there. I tried to take all the steps in which I thought would be the best way to meet people, etc. make friends. And I didn't connect with literally anyone. Another part of that is I could completely relate to the high school boyfriend who was at another college. All you wanna do is be with them. You just came off an amazing senior summer, but my advice to you is she has to stay for a year.

She, I really believe this because for my entire freshman year was horrible. And I do have to put that out there. But I went back because I didn't know where I wanted to transfer, although I wanted to transfer. And I had the best year of my entire life, my sophomore year. That was solely because my parents forced me to stay. They said, you need to stick it through.

And I honestly grew as a person so much that entire year because I was in pain, uncomfortable, trying to meet new people, all of which brought me to the best people in the world at Boston College. Well, it also brought you to the best version of yourself. See this is an example of guardrails. If you always allow your kid to bounce from one situation that makes them uncomfortable, what's going to happen is their anxiety increases.

And so here's what you do in that situation. You can say, I hear you, that is hard. And if you're that miserable, here's what you can do about it. You can transfer. Put all that negative energy into applications and figuring out what you're going to do next. And so acknowledge what your child is feeling, validate their experience. That is so important so that they feel seen and heard, and then make them focus on coming up with a solution.

You know, I did the same thing with your brother in sports. You hated popcorn or football, Oakley. I didn't even know how to play football. I know. I know. I forced you to do it. And when you kept saying, I don't how to play football. I know, I know, I forced you to do it. And when you kept saying, I don't want to do this. I said, I get it. And you don't have to play all year.

I didn't play. All your eyes were a bunch warmer. Well, that's true. You didn't play when you were playing. But at the end of the season, we allowed you to quit, but we made you stick it out. And then do you remember what the deal was if we, if you quit a sport. I picked a new one. You remember what you picked next? Diving? Correct. I was a champ at that. Yes, you were. Then I quit. At. That's true. And then you picked another one. And you know, one of the things that I

always say to you guys, even though I know you make fun of me all the time. You know my favorite thing? No. Try to try to try again. No. Do you want me to listen? Oh yeah. What is it? Do you want me to listen or give you advice? Correct. And nine times out of ten. You pick lesson.

Because you guys don't want advice. Mm-hmm. You just want me to listen. So true. So true. I think the bottom line is don't rescue your kids as much as you may want to. Do not let them just bounce from college or bounce from a sport or bounce from a situation because they're nervous when you make them face it.

You know what you're telling your kid? You're saying, I believe you have the strength to face things that are really hard. You're saying you have within you, even though this situation blows, and it makes you feel uncomfortable, you're stronger than this situation. And you also are saying to somebody,

I'm not gonna make you torture yourself, but I believe that you're able to figure out an alternative. If you really hate it that much, face it, stay with it, and spend your free time either transferring to a new school and filling out the applications and figuring that out, and I will support you through that or figure out what other sports you want to play. What are you going to replace this with? Because you know, you can grow through these situations and how you show up as a parent

will either teach your kid that they can't face uncertainty or they should just quit when things get hard or you're teaching them how to become a problem solver. You know, in fact your cousin is going through this right now. She is. Also, you always said when I was complaining that I had no friends freshman year in terms of the solutions, for an example of a solution, is my mom always used to say, well, why don't you just go knock on someone's door?

Or why don't you Instagram DM someone to get lunch? And at first, I always said, no, that's so weird, I'm not going to do that. Like I have no friends, etc. But then I started to get desperate. And I started taking her advice and it actually worked. Final question. We do not like the person that our 18-year-old is dating. On a couple of occasions, they have been rude to my husband. And ever since seeing them, she doesn't talk to us like she used to.

I don't trust this person. I don't think they're a good fit for my child. What do I do? So here, I'm gonna let you meditate on this one while I take the wheel right now. What do you not do? meditate on this one while I take the wheel right now. What do you not do? What you should not do is make your daughter or your son or your child feel as though

they cannot bring the significant other over because I think as somebody that was in a relationship that was very healthy and loving in high school, I watched my sister in a relationship that I know she was happy in for a while, but I think towards the end, whatever it ended for a reason. But I watched her shut down whenever we would talk about how we felt like they weren't a good fit

or we felt like maybe she wasn't herself around him. And I think that the more and more you talk about how you don't like the Sydney, if again, other, the more and more your daughter's gonna pull away. You need, she's out of phase in her life. She's with this person for a reason. If it's not love, it's a lesson. She's going to learn something from it. As long as she is safe, and there's no abuse going on telling her that she can't be with him, telling her, but all this stuff, like, it's

only going to push her further away from you. And I think that like, again, honest and open communication, talk to her, tell her, we love you, but we feel like you're not yourself around this person. Is there a reason why is there anything we can do? Did you hear that from us? Sorry. I heard. Because I think we said that. The question is whether you heard us say that. So the thing is is when I was in this position and you were very open and honest, made it very clear that you guys really enjoy him, all the stuff. And I think what I heard when you would say things along the lines of, I don't think

this relationship is necessarily great for you anymore. You are not yourself around him, which I think is our biggest takeaway. And they always phrase the conversation less about him and more about how I was and who I want to be and who I'm meant to be. not making that possible for whatever reason. And I think that by my parents always framing the conversation and putting it back on me rather than blaming it all on my boyfriend at the time, I... it did obviously make me pull away at a bit in the moment, but those conversations, essentially, they always stayed in my mind. I wasn't actively listening, but in the back of my mind, whenever I was with him after those conversations, in the back of my mind, I would be questioning, is this right?

Is this not right? I really love him. He makes me feel comfortable, I, etc. but then in the back of my mind, I would consider, yes, but whom I and By framing the conversation Towards your daughter rather than putting all the blame on the boyfriend. I think that that Obviously might not make her Immediately end things but at the same time it will stick with her forever. I can assure you that. So I got two things from that.

Number one, again, let's go back to one of the huge takeaways. Do not drag your kids to you, go to them. So being super welcoming, even if you don't like the person, I realize the rudeness is a hard thing to deal with. If that's the situation, if they're not in a dangerous situation, I think the more you can make're not in a dangerous situation, I think the more you can make them feel welcome at your place, do things with them,

take them out to dinner. The more you got eyes on them, the more you have a better handle on the situation. And they're never gonna wanna hang out with you if you're super judgy. And I thought that dad and I, because I actually really like to where you're talking about,

I just didn't like who you were in it, because you changed. I think I was in a relationship for about a year and a half, and it was a great relationship. It was very healthy, but I would say that I was not myself around my family. There was a lot of, um, I don't know, sneaking this is the right word, but I definitely my biggest goal in that relationship was like to make sure that she was comfortable and she was happy and she would tend to become like uncomfortable in certain situations. Most of those situations involved being around my family, so I whenever she'd come over, I would basically hide her away in my room

because I didn't want it to feel uncomfortable. And I was going out of my way to make sure she was comfortable. And I remember, I had so many conversations with you guys about how I was like different. And like, you, there was nothing wrong, but you just wanted to hang out with us more. And you felt like you still didn't really know her. And I think throughout the whole entire relationship, like those thoughts never left my mind, like sorry, I was saying, like, they were always in the back. Thank you for sharing those snacks, Oakley. Thank you. What I was going to say is, I think, like I said before, as somebody that was in the opposite

of that kind of relationship, me and my high school boyfriend didn't leave my parents alone. But I would witness you guys always having conversations with Sawyer and I witnessed some of the conversations you had with Oakley just like about the significant other and about how these two were being in that relationship. And I think like back to the whole honest communication thing, like you would always have these conversations, non-judgmental conversations with both of my siblings. To the point where it did like you were open and honest about how you fell and how you were noticing their behavior changed, but like, it was never judgmental.

It was never like, you need to break up with him. You need to do this to the point where like, I think it almost made them feel more comfortable talking to you about it because like, then when Sawyer would have issues with this guy or Oakley would have issues with his girlfriend, like, he would, they would still come and talk to you because they know that you wouldn't be like, well, now's your time to break up with them. You have to break up with them. You would just be like, okay, how are you feeling? Like, do you know what I mean? I don't get the sense where you're like that with Sawyer.

You were like that with me. I feel like you were. Whenever you, whenever she had issues, like, I don't know, I'd saw it. Sawyer's, Sawyer's experience. No, I agree. I think that what, and obviously, once again, I'm the oldest child, so I was the first rodeo, but I think that what happened was at first, it was very, oh, well, I don't think you should be together. I think you should break up overpowering, and then I think they sense that I was pulling away. And then all of a sudden They made a flip and it was constantly like oh well. What are you?

What are you and so and so up to tonight like you guys are more than welcome to come back over and hang out here Like we'd love to see him. We'd love to see you. We can cook you dinner and I think that Unfortunately, I had already seen the first side of things so I was already self-conscious about how they felt, et cetera, and like Oakley hid him away in my room every time we hung out. But I did really appreciate the shift in communication and understanding of where I was coming from. You did that? You created a little hideout for her boyfriend? No, no, no, for sores.

I was going to say, like, in relation to mine. Well, they were together. All right, one final one, and I think this is important, given the rise of mental health issues, right now, in middle schoolers. We're not sure why, but our 12-year-old daughter is being excluded from her friend group. I often hear a crying in a room, but when I talk to her about it, she won't tell me anything. What do I do?

That's a hard one. You could try relating to her, like telling her, like opening up to her first and then seeing if she'll respond like that. Cause I feel like everybody has a situation in there. Middle school or high school days where like something shitty happens in a friend group. And I feel like if you go to her and you're like,

look, I noticed that like something's going on in your friend group like when I was so and so age, like this happened to me and it may make her feel more inclined to say something. I think another thing too is when you do broach the conversation, like even if she's like very quick to not say anything back to you, like, even if she's like very quick to not say anything back to you, like, make it very clear that like you're just there to listen and you just want

to be there for her and that you're not going to do anything. Because I think a lot of middle schoolers are petrified that if I tell my mom that I'm getting bullied, she's going to go and yell at all the bullies and then I'm going to get bullied, triple the amount of times I'm already getting bullied. So, make it clear to her, I will not be telling your teachers, telling, scolding anybody, I am your teammate, and whatever you need me to be, I will be for you,

but please just let me be there for you. I think that last part's genius. Promise you're not going to do anything about it. Just promise you're going to listen. If you could tell parents listening, just any behavior change specifically that they could adopt today that would help them create a better relationship with their kids.

What are something that you could do specifically that would really help? One thing, stop grounding your kids. I can assure you it does nothing, but make them want to retreat and do the complete opposite of what you're telling them not to do. What should they do instead? Honestly, honestly, like, have the conversation and explain why it upset you and why it made you frustrated with why they did it.

And if it happens again, then let's discuss it then, and then we can talk about punishment. But all my friends, you sick, I grounded. And as soon as their quote, punishment or grounding ended, they would go the second they were ungrounded, they would go straight to the party. And they would go straight to doing double the amount that they were doing before. So I can assure you grounding, please just stop.

It really, really, I've never seen it work on anyone. I would say be vulnerable with your children. Cry in front of them. Be sad in front of them. Be happy in front, like, emote in front of them. In a real authentic way, like how you would with your own friends and people your age. I think that's like, you're just showing them

that you're human. That's what they're trying to be, too. I would definitely say just be there for your kid. Be there backup. Always let them know that you have their back and you're going to be there to help them whenever they need it. No matter what. I think another thing that we talked about earlier is make sure that when you are with your kid and you're listening to your kid, you make it very, very clear that what they say to you will go nowhere. And that means not to your spouse, not to your friend, not to your dog, literally anyone. It is just between you two because I can assure you it feels so invalidating

to tell a parent something. Even say I tell my mom something, and then the next day my dad comes to me and asks if I'm okay about that. Like that doesn't feel good because I felt like I was in a trust circle with her and I just wanted her to know that. And so I really think that making sure your kid knows

that it's just going to stay between you two and then it actually does. And then you don't go on your walk with all your girlfriends the next day and explain your kid's biggest issue is seriously crucial. All we're saying is just be a human being to them. Like, you're no different now that you're a parent. I mean, obviously, yes, you are different. You have a lot more responsibilities,

but you still are made of the same chemicals and feel the same emotions. Like, why would you turn that off? They want to see that, too. That's the most important thing you can do. It's just be a human, be you. If I had to bottom line at the most important thing is seeking connection over correction,

because that's what we all want. We want to feel connected. We want to all want. We want to feel connected, we want to feel understood, we want to feel like we matter. And I want to thank you guys, I know you want to get out of here, I appreciate you sticking around this long and thoughtfully answering everybody's questions. And for you listening, I really hope that this is one of those episodes that you can share with your family, or your parents, or your kids, or your brothers or sisters, and it will help you create a deeper connection. And it will inspire you to talk through some of these topics too.

I can't wait to hear your reaction to this episode. Thank you so much for being here with us. In case nobody else tells you today, let me tell you. I love you. I believe in you. And I believe in your ability to create a better life and to deepen the connections with the people that matter to you most.

Thanks for being here. I'll see you if it is.