The Mel Robbins Podcast - Change Your Relationship With Alcohol – How to Control Your Urge to Drink

Episode Date: July 17, 2023

Today on the podcast, you and I are having a deeply personal and eye-opening conversation about alcohol and your relationship to it. Rachel Hart is a best-selling author and master coach who has helped thousands of people re-examine their relationship with alcohol, and that’s exactly what she is going to help you do today. Rachel knows the surprising reason you (and I) crave a drink (or have the urge to shop, vape, play video games, scroll on social media, or want something sweet). She’ll also explain that weird cycle of emotions you experience after drinking. Did I drink too much last night? Did I do anything I regret? Should I stop drinking altogether? Should I detox this week before the wedding next weekend? How do I drink less? Maybe it’s time I stopped altogether. You’ll learn that this agitation and conflict about alcohol are normal. The question is, how do you change it? Rachel says it’s by examining the desires underneath the urge. Today, Rachel will help you unpack urges and desires and teach you why boundaries go right out the window when you feel an urge. Today you’ll learn:What your drinking might really be all about. (it’s not what you think)Why feeling conflicted about drinking is normal.Where do urges really come from, and how do you ignore them?How your first experience with alcohol impacts your relationship with it.What your desires are trying to tell you.How to ditch the shame once and for all.The complicated messaging around alcohol.The 30-day plan Rachel uses with all her clients. Not sure if you have a problem with alcohol? Worried about someone else who does? You're not ready to quit alcohol all together, but you wish you’d not reach for the glass of wine most nights. Wonder if maybe you should stop? Perfect. Listen in.  You can change your relationship with alcohol. After this episode, you’ll know how. Xo, Mel In this episode, you’ll learn: 02:12: Why is my relationship with alcohol so confusing?05:43: The shame cycle I go through every time I drink.12:08: What does your urge actually symbolize? For me, I had to go back to when I was 14 to figure it out.15:07: You are creating boundaries that justify your cravings and urges.20:06: What your urges and cravings are trying to communicate to you.23:07: The difference between your upper and lower brain and what you need to know.26:10: How to stop drinking without stopping drinking.28:09: Learning how to change means having a different relationship with commitment.36:18: Tool #1: Name the urge when it’s happening.40:06: Why "just say no" doesn’t work.48:03: Stop looking for answers from others. You have an inner knowing of what’s best for you.54:47: Tool #2: Ask yourself, If you couldn’t drink for the rest of your life, what would it feel like?58:30: Disappointment when you give up your urges is normal. Disclaimer

Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. Okay, I'm so glad you're here today because today is one of those conversations where I need you to put your arm around me. You know how I always say that the Mel Robbins podcast is like you and I going on a walk together and sorting out life and all kinds of topics together. Well today, I want to talk about something that's been on my mind for a long time, and that is my relationship with alcohol.

And if I'm being honest, I've resisted having this conversation on the podcast because I'm not ready to remove alcohol from my life entirely, but I am so conflicted about drinking. I know it's bad for my health. I have so many other healthy habits, and yet I still love toed about drinking. I know it's bad for my health. I have so many other healthy habits,

and yet I still love to have a cocktail. I still love to have a glass of wine. And maybe it's because Chris doesn't really drink that much, and so I often, in confronted with, do I have a glass of wine alone? Do I not? And this isn't just a conversation about alcohol. You may not have any issue with alcohol.

You may be sober. You may not really drink at all. You may be able to have one beer or one glass of wine and never think about it. But you probably have something else in your life that you're conflicted about. Maybe it's how much money you spend. Maybe it's an addiction to sugar.

Maybe you play way too many video games, or you spend too much time scrolling on social media. You know it's a problem or maybe you wonder if it's a problem and you keep going back and forth. I should stop but I don't stop. Should I stop? I don't know. What should I do? Well, a friend of mine told me about this incredible woman named Rachel Hart. Rachel is an expert at helping people understand their urges and create healthier and normal relationships with the things in life that you crave. Her work focuses on creating, quote,

a normal relationship with alcohol, whatever that might mean for you. But everything that we're gonna talk about today is gonna help you. Take control of any area of your life where you feel this conflict or you feel out of control or you wonder if you have a problem and you just can't seem to get to the bottom of it. Here we go. Put your arm around me because this is going to be one of those episodes where I'm

processing my feelings in real-time live in our conversation as you and I are walking and talking. So let's do this. Rachel Hart, welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. Thank you. Okay, Rachel. We're just going to jump in with a confessional. Is that okay? I mean, is this the way we should buy off this thing? Okay, great.

I've just noticed that I have a lot of agita about it. Should I drink? Should I not drink? Is it bad if I'm drinking? And I wanted to talk to you because I just love your approach. I love your approach to, as you say, having a quote, normal relationship with alcohol in your life and understanding your urges. And I don't even know where to begin.

The more that I learn about neuroscience and the body and the fact that alcohol is poison, the more I'm thinking to myself, why the fuck am I drinking? If it's this bad for me. Oh yeah, I know, because I like the taste of it, and every once in a while, it's fun to celebrate with friends. So that's me, that's me, the hot mess, Mel Raleigh, without going. Or maybe not a hot mess.

A little bit, maybe. Normal to be conflicted. Is it normal to be conflicted about alcohol? Yes. Yes, of course it is. I always say that the relationship that you have with alcohol is such a window into the relationship that you have with yourself.

And so from that place, it can be so much more than, oh, I just don't want to drink anymore, or I want to drink less, or I want to just make more intentional choices. And I think all of those are great goals. But the idea of, you know, what is it that you really want? Like, what is it that you're really desiring? I talk to people about that a lot. And I think that the work that you do to change your relationship with

alcohol can be such a powerful window into that. This is also such a highly charged issue, right? And so a lot of times people have that intuition, they have that kind of inner knowing of like, I don't know, maybe I want to look more closely at this, but then like, oh God, what does that mean? Do I have to stop drinking for the rest of my life? And do I have to put a label on? So what you are experiencing, I just want to say,

is very normal, the just want to say, it's very normal, the conflict that you have. For a long time, I was like, do I have a split personality? What is going on? Because part of me had so much desire and love to drink. And part of me was also like, I don't know that this is creating the best outcomes for you.

And I thought that that conflict was a sign that something was wrong with me, rather than, you know, you've got two different parts of your brain that care about different things. And so, yeah, you're going to be conflicted sometimes about your desires. That's normal. Is it appropriate for me to tell you this soon in our relationship that I love you. I've started to think about this like there's something wrong with me and I have a problem. And when I look at everybody's relationship with alcohol, it is kind of fucked up.

I even look at our 20 somethings and their relationship with alcohol is crazy. Like they just go on these benders and then it's like, oh, I'm not gonna drink all week, I gotta get back healthy again. And that's what I used to be like. And I think about how much effort goes into the, am I gonna have a gin and tonic tonight? Or am I not gonna have anything at all? And then if I do have a drink,

I should probably take some Advil before I go to bed. And the whole cycle that happens in the morning, when you feel kind of hung over and I wake up and I'm like, why did I do that? Now I'm not as clear and I don't feel like exercising. And I probably shouldn't have had that wine and it tastes like shit anyway and it was a lot of sugar. And so I realize that there's a lot of active energy

that I have around alcohol. And I wanted to talk to you because I'm like, I'm pretty sure I don't have a problem. But what I do have a problem with is the amount of conflict that I feel like I'm doing something wrong. And I feel like I have a personality because I literally argue for it and against it every single time I use it, where I'm like,

well, it's just a gin and tonic for God's sake. I mean, it's just like, who cares? And then I'm like, well, you's just a gin and tonic for God's sakes. I mean, it's just like, who cares? And then I'm like, well, you know, the poison. And you know, you said you're working on a drink tonight, so you're a liar. And that means you have a problem. And then I'm like, well, no, I don't, because I'm just having a gin and tonic for God's sakes.

And then I fill it up with Topo Chico after that. So what's wrong with that? Well, you know, you said you work on a drink, and then that's a this and then you're going to sleep like shit because you're in a pot and like it's like this beat down. So yeah, help me help me. Well, I know all of us.

How do you start doing this? Do you drink? I have so many questions. Yeah. OK, well, so I mean, I will say that I started drinking in college. I was 17. Oh, that's very I'm a way better drinker than you are.

I started at 14, man. I was very quickly like, oh this is the solution to all my problems. Like we don't have to feel awkward, we don't have to feel anxious. I don't have to listen to any of my internal critic or any of my, you know, hang up. This is amazing.

Where has this been? That was my experience. What you're describing, the kind of 20 something that I like would work very hard during the week, also during the week, a constant kind of, PS don't ever make any mistakes, don't do anything wrong, you must do everything perfectly.

And then the weekend for me was my outlet to be like, okay, like finally, not only do I get to stop feeling anxious and awkward and have these hangups, but also I can like be a little wild and mess up. And this is the way to feel sexy and confident and have fun. And so, you know, that was something that my brain was learning. And I think it's really important to to reiterate that we are learning something when we drink. The brain is always learning. So we're not just learning to acquire the taste. We're learning, hey, this is what we do. When we watch the gamer sporting events or celebrations or on vacation. So we're we're learning both when we do it. And we're also learning. This is how I relax, right?

This is how I connect. This is how I open up and so all of that is unconsciously happening below the surface and I think we get to this point where we start to want to examine our drinking and maybe I want to drink less or maybe I'm unsure about this and We are trying to do it from this place of okay, well, I know it's not good for me, right? I know I shouldn't do this or I should be more responsible. As opposed to, hey, we, you know, what does my brain learn? Right? Can I start to understand that? Can I start to teach my brain something different about what alcohol is a symbol for? I mean, it's, it becomes a symbol for so many things. And I think we just look at it from the superficial of like,

oh, I just like the taste, right? Or like, I was like, I'm just into craft cocktails. That's just my thing. I like the ceremony and the smoke and the sprig of ice Mary that comes out of that thimble that they serve it in for $20, right? But there is so much. When you think about it, you go to a fancy restaurant and you're getting the wine pairing and the sommeliers coming over and you're getting all this information about where it was grown and the type of grape. And yeah, I mean, we are like building up

all of this kind of excitement and drama around it. And by the way, I'm not saying any of that is bad, but I think we just have to understand that like there's a reason that we attach all this kind of symbolism and desire and what it starts to represent. So that's all going on. You know, and then we have the other side of, okay, well, if I had too much to drink, I was obviously stupid, and I should know better. And why am I still making these same mistakes? I should have grown

out of this by now. So there's this idea that all of our desire and urges should just be conquered by our intellect. And that doesn't make any sense. I just love everything that you're saying. Because I'm starting to realize that one of the reasons why I've never been drawn toward just being a person that doesn't have alcohol in their life. I know for some people it's incredibly important and empowering and it is the choice, the right

choice and the choice you need to make. But for me there was something about it that felt like a part of the thing I'm already doing, which is making myself wrong about the urges. And I have always said to myself that I just wish I could be the kind of person that had no drama around it, that if I wanted a glass wine, I had a glass wine in the moment, I wouldn't have this whole shame cycle and conflict of whether or not I'm going to drink or not drink. And when you said the thing about how, like it's part of how we watch sports, it made me realize there are so many stories that your brain has learned about when and where and why you drink alcohol. And I think the single two biggest stories for me

are number one, that alcohol for me is about belonging. Not belonging to the alcohol, but my brain has hardwired. The moment that I first had a drink when I was 14 years old, and I was dating somebody who was two grades ahead of me. And at that point in time, I think it was still grandfathered in that if you were 18, you could buy alcohol in Michigan. And so my boyfriend could buy alcohol.

And we would go out to Lake Michigan, and I remember when we were first dating, we pulled into the state park, and there were all the seniors out there. And my boyfriend was a junior and I was a freshman. And I was so scared because I was the only freshman that was out at that beach. The sun was setting. We get out of the car. He grabs my hand. We walk towards all his friends, and one of the gals turns me and says, hey, Mal, would you like a rum and coke? And when she handed me that rum and coke in a red solo cup, I immediately exhaled and

was like, okay, I'm part of the group. And so the trigger for me is anytime the waiter comes around or I'm going over to a friend's house. This just happened last night. I was not planning on having anything to drink last night and then I went over to my friend's house. She had two glasses out and a bottle of sincere and she poured two glasses and said, let's go walk around the garden.

And I'm like, okay, you know, I'm gonna join in with you. And it feels good to join in. And the sunsare tastes great. And I had a glass of wine, that was that. And then I came home, but of course, as I'm driving home, Rachel, I'm like, why'd you do that? Yeah. Right, because you were making it mean

that you did something wrong. Yes. As opposed to like, can we just love your brain for a second that it's like, hey, I want to belong. How normal of me, how human of me that I want to feel connected, right? And at some point, you're 14 and the brain's like, oh, this is how we belong. Like you have the red solo cup. I have the red solo cup. Look, belonging. And so that's what I'm talking about when I'm saying,

like, what was your brain learning? Right now, you may not have made consciously that connection in that moment, but at some point, your brain did make that connection, it did make that association. And so then it's like, wait, if this is a symbol of belonging, and I want to belong, because who doesn't? And it's like, okay, so I go see my friend and she pours two drinks and I'm like, no, thank you.

Are we disconnected now? Do I not belong? The other moment that I really love to have a drink is after a really awesome busy day at work, it's a celebration. And it is a lever because I work so hard that's like, oh, this is signaling to my brain that I can turn off the working brain and I can shift down into, oh, it's time to relax and not think about work mode. Well, it becomes a boundary, right? And so I talk about a boundary. Oh, wait a minute. So wait, wait, so a drink becomes a boundary that is genius.

I'm off the clock, right? This is my boundary. I have poured the drink. I am off the clock. Oh my God, you're right. And so then it's like, okay, so, not gonna try to stay now. I didn't understand that it was a boundary.

So now my brain's like, okay, so we're still on the clock and I have to keep thinking, but I've been thinking all day long and I don't want to think about work anymore. This is my permission not to think. I freaking love you. I feel like you are literally showing me a whole new world because I've made it so much about the alcohol

that I'm conflicted on the surface, and what you're trying to get us to see is hold on a sec. Drop deeper into what the where and when means and why you have the urge. It's almost as if you're saying, let's just remove alcohol from the conversation for a minute. And let's talk about this urge that you have and why there's such a conflict. Holy shit. Yeah. You've just kind of unconsciously practiced saying yes for a number of different reasons. And it will often kind of just be under this umbrella of, I just like to drink, right? Or I like the way it makes me feel. But you're on auto-quilet, and in order to get you off,

we have to start to figure out how do I interrupt. And how do I interrupt the habit can be as simple as literally naming it and normalizing it. And so this is something that I teach people very early on. And it seems kind of too simple to work, to really just, maybe you're sitting on the couch, watching TV, watching a show and you see someone drinking. And then all of a sudden it's like,

oh, that would be good. Or maybe you find yourself getting a battered couch, headed to the kitchen and you're like, what am I even doing? And you're just up out of your couch, headed to the kitchen, and you're like, what am I even doing? And you're just like all of a sudden, oh, I'm going to pour a drink. Or you're driving home and you have that kind of like, oh, I could like, stop at the wine shop,

then pick up a bottle of wine. To just name what's happening, and then normalize what's happening is so powerful. And what I mean by that is simply like, oh, this is an urge. I'm having an urge, of course. Like, of course, my brain is expecting a reward right now because it's used to, my day is done.

Let's have a glass of wine. Or it expects that when we cook dinner, we have a glass of wine. So naming it, so naming what's happening, and then also normalizing it. So not making it a problem, not making it mean that something is wrong with you. It, like, just that alone,

sometimes it's enough to interrupt the habit. It's enough to kind of take you off autopilot because all of a sudden you're in the place of being the watcher. So you're watching what's happening inside of your brain, you're naming it, so you're in the place of being the watcher. So you're watching what's happening inside of your brain, you're naming it. So you're in that place of authority. And you're also I think turning down the anxiety level because when people want to change their relationship with alcohol, they can start to have a lot of anxiety about the intensity of their urges, or about how many excuses they have. I have a lot of people who will say, oh, my brain is so tricky,

but we'll come up with all these excuses. And he'll just be like, no, no, like that's what the lower brain does. And I just say like one of the thoughts for me for the longest time is just I deserve it. Right? I deserve it. I just said that like that.

That's right. I literally was just like, I fucking work hard. I have no vices other than swearing and having a cocktail. Seriously, is it really coming to this, Mel? Really? Like, come on, woman, you do a lot of good in the world.

You're a kind person, occasionally he'd adanish. I mean, you might hit the weed every once in a while, but you know, that's organic. So you want a gin and tonic or a tequila on the rocks. Give yourself a fucking break. Like literally I deserve it. What's the it and I deserve it? The it.

I guess is. It's turning my brain off. It's a reward. It's the boundary permission to stop thinking about work. Yes. I mean, just there's so much awareness and insight that is available if you're able to approach your urges as like a source of inner intelligence.

Like it's trying to communicate something to you, something that you're desiring, something that you need, something that you want, that maybe has nothing to do with alcohol. We get so caught in this story as opposed to, maybe it's trying to tell me something about a deeper desire. Maybe it's trying to communicate, hey, what do I actually need?

Maybe I need a boundary. Maybe I need to give myself permission. Maybe I need more belonging. Maybe I need more pleasure. But we can't get that information if the urge is always the thing that we hate and we wish would go away. And why do I have so many?

And why is it so hard for me? Rachel, what you're talking about right now is the crux of this whole topic because it's not about alcohol at all. At least that's what I'm getting from you. The alcohol is just what we are doing in response to the urge. And what you're saying is the urge

is what you need to start to understand. In my case, that means the urge to belong or the urge to set up a boundary and turn my work brain off. It's not really about the taste of a gin and tonic. It's that the taste of the gin and tonic has gotten fused with that urge. Wow. Okay, we got a lot to impact. Yeah. So let's hit pause, hear a word from our amazing sponsors and when we return we're going

to dig deep into urges and how to get control of them. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins. And I am so glad you're here. You got your arm around me on this walk. We're taken together. And we've got Rachel Hart here, who works with clients around the world, who want to change their relationship with alcohol.

Whether that means going completely sober or it means just taking control. And what Rachel's been teaching us is that this really isn't about the alcohol. It's about taking control of urges, urges to drink. Urges to spend money to stay in bed when you said you would exercise, to reach for your phone when you feel bored to play video games for hours on end. And learning how to control your urges and your responses to them, that's a secret to everything. Yeah.

So I want to start with the word control because I think a lot of times people come to this work and they think, oh yeah, controlling my urges would be, I can make them go away. Oh, you can't. Well, unless you can get rid of your lower brain, we're not going to be able to make the urge go away. Can you tell us about that at a very basic level? We have a lower brain that is concerned with the immediate moment. It does not care about tomorrow, it does not care about the future, it cares about right now. Let me find pleasure. Let me find a reward.

And the brain was designed that way, and that's normal, that's not a problem. What we have to do is figure out, how do I get into that place of, yep, I see that you want it, right? I see that we have this desire, how do I feel more comfortable with it? So really like naming and normalizing is a huge thing for so many people. Like, of course, I have this desire. Like, just that can be

so powerful for people. So the higher brain is the one that you're using to tolerate the urge. Yeah. But notice how you're a little disappointed when I said that to you. Yes. Very. We're not going to be able to make the urge go away. Why are you disappointed? Because it would be nice if I didn't like have any urge because then there would be no conflict because I wouldn't be thinking about it. But I think what we forget is that like, urges are part of the human experience for everything,

right? It's not just like the urge to drink. I think we have the urge to eat maybe more than we want to. We have the urge to stay in bed when actually we told ourselves that we were going to wake up and exercise in the morning. Rachel, how do you change your relationship with those urges? I mean, do you recommend to the people that work with you that you just go cold turkey and you stop drinking kind of like a lot of us do for dry January? That's a question that I get a lot from people a lot of us do for dry January? That's a question that I get a lot from people in terms of, so should I just stop?

Like what's the right answer here? And I always really want to have people back up and sometimes actually take forever off the table because culturally we have this idea that if you have a problem, the solution is to stop drinking for the rest of your life. And that is so overwhelming for a lot of people. And so sometimes I just say, listen, like what if we stop making a decision for what you're going to do starting now until you're 80?

What if we just say, like, what do I want to do today this week, this month? I mean, that's why I really think it is very powerful to experiment with periods of taking a break from drinking. That was something that was really powerful for me. And I think the truth is, I don't know. I don't know what the right answer. And I also think it's okay if your answer changes over time. So I think that's the other thing is, we don't really examine alcohol or drinking as a relationship that can change over time. I guess it can change over time.

My relationship with alcohol has changed over time, but it strikes me that your approach is so counterintuitive. Because I've always thought that the answer for me was Mal, you just got to stop drinking period altogether forever. That's it. We're done here. When I work with people and taking a break is one of the things that I have people do as an experiment.

You mean like the same way we go 30 days and not drink during dry January? So a lot of people are familiar with dry January or sober October, right? Like these ideas that we can spend a month removing alcohol from our lives and practicing saying no. The piece where I kind of struggle with that is we don't really give people any tools on how to do it other than just don't drink and maybe avoid temptation or don't put yourself

in compromising situations. And taking a break is part of one of the things that I have people do as an experiment, but it's all about using a set period of time to practice skills, right? I'm not following how your approach is different than say the times that I've taken a break from drinking and participated in dry January. I have people take a 30-day break from drinking, and I believe it's very different than kind of like a dry January or a sober October, because what I'm always telling people is,

the 30 days, I want you to focus on using the tools. Yes, we are using the tools to say no, but I want you to focus on using the tools? Yes, we are using the tools to say no, but I want you to focus on all the techniques to manage my urges, all the techniques to talk back to my excuses. Dry January, the point is making it 30 days. And I'm like, listen, we're doing these 30 days. It doesn't matter if you drink on day number two.

That's good data. Right? That means something didn't work. Let's look at what didn't work. I want you to focus on using the tools. I'm going to be using these tools. And I'm going to be discovering some work better than others. I will tell you that's a huge mindset shift for people. A lot of people, you know, they say I'm all-or-nothing when it comes to drinking. I actually think they're all-or-nothing about a commitment. a huge mindset shift for people. A lot of people, they say I'm all or nothing when it comes to drinking. I actually think they're all or nothing about commitment. I either was committed and I what did it right

and gold star or I broke my commitment and now it's like, okay, why bother? I made a mistake so now I get to have as much as I want. Learning how to change means developing a different relationship with commitment. Like, okay, yesterday, did I go learning how to change? Means developing a different relationship with commitment. You can't have an all or nothing relationship

with commitment. It can't be, I was good, I was committed, and I followed through, and I was good, or I broke my commitment, and I was bad. That mindset, you're screwed. So, what do you do with that person who says, okay, we're going to do the 30 days of not drinking, and I'm going to try the tools. And you get really, really horrible news. The last time I wasn't drinking, I got news that a friend of ours died. And I was like, fuck this shit, I'm having a cocktail. So if I were doing the 30 days with you,

what is the data, like what can I learn from that day where I didn't keep my commitment to myself? Yeah, look back, what was happening in the moment, right? Like when you were saying fuck this shit, what was going on? What were you saying to fuck this shit too? Life being hard, commitment being hard. If I go a little bit deeper,

it was being really pissed off and really sad that my friend had died and wanting to just like, numb it out. All I wanted to do was fucking have a drink and lay down in the couch and cry about my friend. Yeah. I mean, so all the sudden we get to see it like through the lens of like, oh, it was sadness, it was grief. It was the belief that like, oh, it was sadness, it was grief.

It was the belief that like this emotion is too big, it's too much. I can't handle it. I don't want to be with it. I shouldn't have to be with it. Which also so normal. Yeah. And so it's like, yeah, of course, your brain went to the thing that it's like, I know how we get out, like, I know the shortcut. Here's the shortcut to not have to feel our emotions. We have to drink. That's the lower brain, right? That's the lower brain going, I recognize this pattern.

Right, and so all of a sudden it's like, oh, okay, this wasn't me breaking my commitment and being bad. This was me in the moment of having all of this pain and sadness bubble up, not feeling like I had an alternative for how to manage it or handle it. How does recognizing that help you have a stronger muscle when it comes to commitment? You're either good or you're bad. You're either having integrity or you don't.

You either stick to your promises or you're your fuck up and you never will. Like, you know, like that kind of thinking. And if I take on a 30 day challenge and I fuck it up on day 12, then I fucked up the whole thing. Right, but remember, what did I say the goal of the challenge was?

Is that to not drink for 30 days? No, I know, I'm sorry. I'm not drinking. It's not drinking. We said not drinking. It's not drinking. The goal was to use the tools. Use the tools. To look at the data.

But I didn't use the tools. So I actually didn't do the challenge. See how quick I am to go bad, Mel. Okay, so now we don't use do so like this happens on day two. So day three, we can't go back to using the tools. Yeah, we can. Yeah. I mean, just make progress so much faster, right? When we're not, it's kind of like, oh, well, I tried and that didn't work. Now it was bad. Now I'm going gonna go into shame spiral. And I'm either just gonna stop trying, right?

Cause it's like see nothing works. And I was gonna give up. I would either go into the like, oh, nothing works. Let's just like, effort, I just have permission to drink and eat and do all the things that I wanna do. Or I would go into the place of like, okay, now we're gonna make the super crazy restrictive rule because I was so bad, but like deep down, I know I can't follow it at all. People do that on diets, non-stop.

Yeah. I see scotch. Yeah, I see scotch. A direct parallel with eating. Yeah. I'm starting to see that if you take out a 30-day challenge like this to use the tools, and to use the tools to not drink for 30 days as a way to learn and develop the muscle of commitment and understanding yourself better, if you screw up on day two or 12 or 28. And then you bash yourself for not having a perfect streak. The likelihood is I would then just bail on the challenge altogether. Yeah. Except what if it wasn't a screw up? Like what if you didn't make a mistake? I mean, like what if the decision to say yes to the drink wasn't a mistake?

It wasn't a screw up. Well, how could it not be if I am making a commitment? Because maybe it's trying to give you insight into something that you are missing, like a skill that you don't have, or a response that you don't have to an excuse, or something that you're, you know, like you're not aware of, like maybe you don't have the awareness. So I'm using it as a boundary. Rachel, you just keep dropping the knowledge and I just keep having a piphany after a piphany and I know that it's one everybody's going to relate to.

So I'm going to share this insight that I just had right after we return from a short break. Stay with us. Welcome back, it's your friend Mel, and you and I are here with Rachel Hart, and I don't know about you, but I am having a light bulb moment after a light bulb moment. And just before the break, I had a huge insight that is another reason why I have so much conflict about alcohol. And the insight is, I hate being told what to do. Oh yeah, me too. Even by myself.

Even if I said I wanna do this thing, I'm not gonna do that thing that I said that I would do. I'll show you. Is that a normal thing that you heard with people? Yes, this is a huge thing. I often talk to people when they're really struggling. It's like, okay, so what is the language that you're using to say no to the drink?

They're like, well, I'm just saying that I can't have a drink. Okay, when you tell yourself you can't have a drink, how does that make you feel? Pist off. Yes. Yeah, because here's the thing, it's not even true that you can't have a drink, how does that make you feel? Pist off. Yes. Yeah. Because here's the thing, it's not even true that you can't have a drink. Explain that. You're like, but we said we can't. Well, I mean, we're you're an adult woman. Of course you can drink. You're choosing to say no.

There's such a big difference between like when I tell myself I can't have something versus, okay, I'm choosing not to and here's why. The more I listen to you, the more it's really sinking in. I'm so fixated on the genetonic, but this isn't about alcohol because the urge to numb or escape or join in or relax or turn off your work mind or just find pleasure. That's not going to go anywhere. You're always going to have those feelings. Most people come to me and they just say, like, how do I get rid of it? Like I don't want to have this desire.

I don't want to have the urge. I wish it wasn't there. And I think what we forget is that like, urges are part of the human experience for everything, right? It's not just like the urge to drink, right? I think we have the urge to eat maybe more than we want to. We have the urge to stay in bed. And so again, instead of having this idea spent 30 days and just like fight against these excuses, it's like, well, what if we could learn how to talk back to them in a way that's really believable? Wow. Of course, the urge is here.

Or even just, I mean, one of my first things really is just naming that you're having an urge. And when I introduced that to people, so I was like, what is this woman talking about? You just want me to say, oh, I'm having an urge. And I think it's incredibly powerful and beneficial because all the sudden we're activating our higher brain. All the sudden we're not just on autopilot, we're narrating what's going on. Oh, this is an urge. Of course I'm having an urge is five o'clock. My brain learned this is what we do. We get a reward at five o'clock. Of course it's here. Well, when I have that urge, my first reaction is there's something wrong with you, Mel.

There's something wrong with having the urge to have a glass of wine tonight. But you're saying, don't focus on the glass of wine. Just recognize, oh, there's that urge to have one. If you're trying to say no, if you want to drink glass, all sense like, oh God, the urge is here. And now my anxiety has just kicked on too. Because I wish it wasn't there. And I wish it would go away. And I think that it's a sign that something is wrong with me or my brain is broken or whatever. And so could like, can we just name it? Can we normalize it? Like, yeah, of course, when I watch baseball,

I'm having the urge for a beer because at some point my brain learned, this is what you do when you watch baseball. What's so great about this is that it's still empowering you to understand the psychological drivers so you understand and know yourself better. And that supports the work you're gonna do if you are sober. Or if you go through all of this

and where it leads you is to just a totally different relationship with alcohol that works for you, you still have to do the deeper work to understand psychological data that is driving you to try to answer the urge with a drink. That's really amazing. We don't just have urges when it comes to a drink. We have urges around food.

We have urges around spending money. We have urges to procrastinate. We're always going to have competing desires, right? We always have this part of us that has the dream and the goal, and this is what I want to do, and this is how I want to spend my time. And we have the part of us that's like scrolling through TikTok, right?

And looking for that easy way to distract ourselves or feel better or stay in our comfort zone. And so that's always going on. And I personally think that learning this work around my urges to drink is what kind of took my life to the next level because it was like, oh, okay, now I can apply the skill to anything that I'm doing. It's not unique to just saying no to a drink. It's something that I can apply the skill to anything that I'm doing. It's not unique to just saying no to a drink. It's something that I can apply across the board.

It's an essential life skill. Yes, and we don't teach people like this is what's so frustrating for me is we're constantly giving people messages just say no, drink responsibly, enjoy and moderation, no end to say when. We're getting all these messages about what we should be doing and nobody gives us the how. Nobody explains how we're supposed to do it.

And so I think what happens is people start to internalize, this should just be something I can naturally do. I should instinctually know how to say no, be responsible, right? No one to say no, be responsible, right? No one to say when. And if I can't figure it out, oh, something must be wrong with me. As opposed to, no, people give you a bunch of messages with no tools, no techniques, no understanding about the brain. I mean, that just, that really infuriates me.

I can tell. So let's just take, for example, the second I'm done talking to you. I'm going to leave my podcast studio. I'm going to look out at a beautiful sunset and I'm going to have an urge to make a margarita. Yep. So when you say name the urge, does it just saying, did I just do that? No, I'm like when it's happening. Oh, okay. It's happening right now,

because now I'm talking about it, but. Okay. I love the sunset piece, so because like the number of people that I have coached on, like how am I supposed to sit in my porch anymore and like enjoy a sunset? And it's like, sunsets were enjoyable before you started drinking, right?

We just, the brain started to associate, oh, I get a reward when I watch a sunset. So now when you take the reward away, it feels like something's missing from the sunset. Nothing's missing from the sunset, right? You're right, except for the drink. That's not. Right, except for the drink.

Because you're joking out of this, but I not really this cavalier about it. So when I leave here and I have the urge, I just as I'm walking downstairs, I say, oh, I'm having that urge to make a drink. Yeah, so you can say it to yourself, you can say it out loud, both good works. The idea is really just acknowledging what's going on.

And like, oh, this is an urge. I'm having an urge right now. This is desire. Oh, how normal. Of course it's here. Right, this isn't a problem. This is what my brain learned. Oh, of course, this is desire.

I think that's a very, very powerful thing to start to be able to narrate what your brain is doing because all of a sudden you're not at the effect of your brain. Right. Part of you is watching it. That makes sense. But how do you counsel your clients about the fact that drinking is bad for your health? I mean, medically speaking, the newest recommendations that I just saw published in academic journals was absolutely no more than two drinks a week if you're going to drink. And it is poison. I mean, we can agree on that.

And yet, I'm one of those people that I know it's poison and I still do it, which of course makes me feel like even more shitty about myself. I'm not denying that it can have negative consequences. But what I see happen to people, and I did this with myself as well, you start going down that rabbit hole of all the ways that it's harming you and all the, you know, poisonous toxic effects that it's having on your body. And you're still struggling

to say no, or you're still drinking more than you want. And now you're waking up the next day, and you're like doubly stupid, because now you really should know better. So not only was it like, oh God, why did I have that like fourth glass, but and I know all the harm that it's doing. And I know how bad it is for me. There's already so much shame around drinking.

People are so hard on themselves. It just becomes like another layer of see something really is wrong with me. Because now I know how bad it is, I know it's poisoning me. As opposed to like, listen, alcohol is just, it's a fact of being alive on this planet, right? So what if instead of fixating on it's so bad, right?

But it's true, Rachel. So why shouldn't we focus on how harmful it is for our health? I think that takes you away from this conversation that I think is more powerful, right? What is it represent? What is my desire really about? Why is it hard for me to say no? How do I feel when, you know, I'm the odd man out, right? What are those emotions that come up for me? That is so much more powerful area, I think, to start to get curious about rather than all the bad things that it's doing.

Well, I agree with you. When I gave that example of it's dinner time, the sun is setting, I'm gonna make a cocktail. The truth is, the desire is to stop working. The desire is to exhale and stop thinking for a minute. The desire is to reward myself for a job well done. And in naming that, it also takes my focus off the drink. And it helps me get present to what I actually want.

You know what's crazy is that if I start shaming myself by saying, mel, it's poison and wine glass. You know what happens is it just makes me want the poison and wine glass even more. And then it makes me feel even worse. And now my internal conflict is all about how bad it is when what you're saying is, if you go that route of shaming yourself, you miss out on the way more powerful insight and breakthrough that you can have, which is noticing without judgment, oh, I have the urge to drink right now. What is that about? The work day's over. Oh, I want to turn off my brain.

That makes sense. So what do I need to do right now to take care of myself? What immediately came to mind is I need a hug. Yeah. But isn't that harder to ask for sometimes than a drink? Well, you can't order one from a waiter. It's true, and I can make myself a drink, so I don't have to ask for anything, right? Yeah.

If I go to the 14-year-old me, that red solo cup represented a hug and being welcome into the group. And so I can see what you're saying to name when you feel that urge that is deeper than the food or the drink or the paragene you're about to buy. And so of course you would want the thing and of course not giving yourself the genes or the ice cream Sunday or the my tie feels like you're punishing yourself. Yeah. I think a big thing is just

watching it pass. So that's a huge thing that a lot of people struggle with. It's like, listen, if I don't say yes, it's going to be nagging me all night long. Can I confess something to you? Of course. Is it normal for someone to be worried that you're about to tell me not to have a drink tonight? That I am about to tell you? Yes, that you're about to coach me through this process of noticing the urge, letting it rise and fall. And then

at the end of this, I'm now going to have more conflict. And then you want to know how how fucked up I am. Then I'm going to feel like this is now all evidence that I haven't even bigger problem. That's how much of a shame cycle I'm in around this. Yes, this is very normal. I'm not going to tell you anything to do. I mean, I think that's actually a huge piece of my approach. Is that, I don't know what's best for you. I'm not going to tell you what to do because you're just going to be then looking to me or looking for someone outside of you to tell you what's right.

I think you have wisdom and information inside of you and that's not like a wink wink, you know, you shouldn't drink. I really do think that we have this ability to know what feels good for us and what feels like too much but we can't access that if it's constantly in this place of like, oh God, I shouldn't even be wanting this or I shouldn't even have this desire. I can totally see how that's true.

At least it is for me. Right. Like I didn't think more is better just with a drink. I thought it was better with food. I thought it was better with stuff. I thought it was better with success. I thought it was better with stuff. I thought it was better with success. I thought it was better with money. I thought it was better with praise. Like that was just kind of the overarching principle

of how I was operating. And it wasn't just showing up for me in one place. And that, I think that created a lot of freedom for me because I walked around for a long time. I mean, like, I don't know. I've got like eight different problems. Or not. Or maybe I have one thing that I'm working on,

which is how to understand, identify how I'm feeling, and what I need, and how to be OK with an unmet desire, and how to fulfill it elsewhere. You're exactly right. How did you figure this out? Like was there a particular moment? Like did you have like a massive bender and then you're like, I can't drink again,

then you reverse engineered this, you go to school. But how did you figure this out? I spent my 20s going like back and forth between. I'm drinking, I'm not drinking, I'm drinking, I'm not drinking, but then not drinking was always, you were bad. You should be ashamed of yourself. Now it's time to punish yourself.

We're just going to focus on saying no. And so I would say no and say no. And to feel like something was wrong with me and I was missing out and I was very healthy, but wasn't enjoying myself as much. And then eventually I would give in and go pick up right back where I left off. I'm sure that's how everyone feels about drinking. And being in this back and forth, I'm on, I'm off, I'm drinking, I'm not drinking, I'm bad, I'm good. I mean, that's exactly where I am

right now, which is why I want to talk to you and learn more about the process that you use with people. I was in this process, in this cycle for so long. And I had some awareness that it was bigger than the drink. I felt like I wasn't able to access a part of myself without the drink. I remember believing that the fun Rachel, the real Rachel, she comes out with a drink. And again, there was a part of me that was like, I don't think I always needed that, right? It's so relatable. I feel like the relaxed, I'm off the clock, Mel comes out

with a drink. The Mel that's not racing through a day, got a million things I need to do, tons of people I need to call, people that are relying on me. I pour that drink and I'm on vacation, I'm off the clock. It's the Mel that can sit down, put her feet up, stop thinking, and just take a breath and look at the sunset for a minute. We have such a limited narrow conversation how we talk about this. It's kind of like, do I have a problem or don't I have a problem, right? Am I an alcoholic or am I a normal drinker? We're very black and white and I think there are a lot of people that feel like they're in this kind of And I think there are a lot of people that feel like they're in this kind of in between. And being in that in between can feel incredibly frustrating.

And it's like nobody understands my situation or what's going on for me. So all of this makes so much sense. And now I'm of course leaning in and going, I want to learn more about the actual process. So when someone comes to your HL and they say, can you help me figure out what a normal relationship with alcohol would look like for me, or even broadening it out for those of you that aren't like dealing with this with alcohol? Anything that you're struggling with, a normal relationship would look like for you was shopping, spending money, faping, video games, porn, the urge to avoid things, overeating. Rachel, what is the process and how do you start it

for yourself? Yeah, I think that one of the most important things to do is really first understand your mindset and when I say mindset, I mean, when you think about, well, what are my reasons for drinking? And what do I make it mean that I struggle to say now? Right? What do I make it mean that I struggle to say now? What do I make it mean when I struggle to follow through on my commitment? If you think about being told that you couldn't drink again, what about that would be upsetting for you? Because when you start asking these questions, it's gonna reveal some of your thoughts

about yourself, your ability to change, your urges, alcohol, all of that. We were at a friend's house the other night, and they opened up one of those super expensive French bottles of wine. We have to like push the gray dust off of it. And I'm like, oh, I'm not going to miss out on that. I hadn't had to drink that night, but the second they pulled that out, it's like, FOMO.

This is going to be expensive. I'm going to try this shit. The big question that you asked at the end, which is what does, what was the big question? Cause it made my heart go, oh God. Sorry, Mal, we're telling you, you can't drink for the rest of your life.

I would feel like I'd never have fun again. Yeah, like I'd miss out on all the celebrations. I mean, I was like, I'm sorry, how are we supposed to watch March Madness? Like, what am I ever gonna have sex again? I don't understand. Like, what? They were just so, I was like, are you kidding?

So am I ever gonna go to a wedding? Should I just not go to weddings anymore? I'm not gonna have sex. We're not gonna enjoy sports. Like, I guess I'm never gonna dance in public. I remember just like so many things. I was like, well, you gotta be kidding me. Like, you're literally talking about a miserable life.

So, yeah, no, thank you. I'll pass. So, what do you do if that's everything that you think? When somebody fills all that out and they're like, okay, I'm never gonna have sex, I'm not gonna dance in public. I can't go to a sports game, my life will be no fun, all my friends who drink will never invite me out. I'm an indoor awkward moment after awkward moment where everybody else urges you to drink

and I'm like, could I have a shelter please? Can I have the mocktail menu? And I don't want to miss out on all the fun and I don't want to do, like, when you write out your excuses, that almost makes you feel like you would retreat toward binge drinking. Yeah, because it's like, oh, we have nothing to look forward to, right? Yes.

So one of the things I talk about in all those situations that I listed, like, the worst thing that's going to happen is a feeling. That's true. But I don't think we understand it that way. Like no, the worst thing that's going to happen is my life is going to be over. Yes. So you start to be like, okay, so what is that feeling that comes up when I get on the

dance floor, right? Totally sober. What is that feeling that I'm having when I'm sitting in the stands watching baseball and everybody has a beer and I don't? Right, like, what is that feeling? Like to start to identify the real issue here is not the drink. The real issue is this feeling. Oh, God, if this comes up, then there's nothing to do. Right? Mm-hmm. What you're doing is you're just teaching people how to handle the feelings that come. Yeah. I mean, it starts even just with like identifying what the feeling is because that's a huge piece that I work on with people. I was like, I'm fine. I'm like, I'm fine. He finds not a feeling like, how are we actually feeling?

So again, much like your urge is the ability to just name and notice and also not make it a problem. Can you give us an example of what that sounds like when you notice the urge and name it and not make it wrong? Like, I feel disappointed right now. How human of me. That's okay. We're supposed to feel disappointed right now, how human of me. That's okay.

We're supposed to feel disappointed sometimes. I can feel disappointed now, because I'm not having the drink or I can feel disappointed later, because I didn't follow through on my commitment, but disappointments come in either way, so which one am I gonna choose? Oh my God, I just got something.

I just got something really powerful. Holy shit. Do you want to know why I always lose the battle with myself? When I start a Sunday night and I say, you know, I'm not going to drink this week. I'll just wait until next weekend. And then Monday rolls around six o'clock. I go downstairs. it's the sunset.

I feel the desire to pour a gin and tonic because this is my boundary between work and now understand what it is. When I start to get in conflict with myself, Rachel, well, you said you're working, I have a drink, but I feel like having a drink. What's wrong with having a drink? Well, you said you wouldn't, and that's a lack of a, I have a drink to shut that conflict down. Yeah.

I'm not having a drink because I'm addicted to alcohol. I'm having a drink because I can't tolerate being in conflict with those two competing parts of me. Holy shit. That's why the drink habit always wins because it shuts it down. It's really like even less about alcohol, right? It's just like, how am I making it okay and normalizing conflict, like internal conflict is okay. Yeah. That's pretty cool. I think I'm going to try the 30 days, not today. But no, I want to, I'm like really interested in this because I say I'm tired of the conflict. Yeah, within me. And I

think there's peace that's accessible in this. And it is very freeing for somebody like me. And I think for a large number of you listening to go, oh, wait a minute, I don't have to choose between, I drink all the time and I don't drink it all. I can end the internal conflict that I feel and I can learn more about urges and desires and tolerating things and operate from my higher brain instead of letting my lower brain control me. And I can get myself out of the cycle of shame and management and conflict and all this shit by simply trying what you're saying for 30 days of using these tools and naming the desire and tolerating the desire and watching your excuses and going a layer deeper. I had a client once say when I was working with her on her compelling reasons,

I had her say, I just want to be the captain of my own soul. And I was like, yeah. I love the captain of the soul because I am somebody who is uber intentional and uber in control and have done so much work on myself. The one area where I have this friction between old and new

is this conflict I feel around whether or not I'm going to have a cocktail. And you have been so profoundly helpful because I have realized I have a major issue with a boundary between work and relaxing and turning my brain off and the desire to join in and belong with others. And they're all tied up with alcohol for some dumb reason. I've been focused on the alcohol, not the much richer and deeper opportunity of knowing myself. So thank you. You're welcome. Thanks for having me. Of course. And thank you for being here. Thank you so much. I could feel your arm around me as we were having this conversation. And now I want to put my arm around you. I want to make sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life for yourself.

However you define that, whatever that means for you, and what that means for me is I am going to try this 30 day thing. So thank you for being here and helping me find the courage to take a look at this. Because it's a hell of a lot easier to face your stuff and change together. Alright, I'll talk to you in a few days. Okay, squeeze into this. Oh wow! Wow, this is like tool city, man. Tool city. Okay.

Oh shit. Oh, Jesus, my kids always call while we're having a podcast. Goodbye. Okay. I, mom is allowed to talk about drink. That's a boundary, okay. I'm still on the clock. Excuse me.

Let me take a step. So is that straight vodka in the thing that you just had a drink? Oh, yeah, this is not. Yeah, it's not. Yeah. Oh, and one more thing. No, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language.

You know what the lawyer's right and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professionals. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC