The Mel Robbins Podcast - Goal Setting Toolkit: Why Behavior Change Often Fails & How to Set the Right Goals for You

Episode Date: January 5, 2023

This episode will help you set the right goals for you. Goals matter. They make your life easier and they create a sense of purpose and meaning. But most people don’t set goals the right way, which is why they fail before they even start. That’s not going to be you. This episode is a comprehensive toolkit that will help you set the goals that inspire you and make you feel excited about the year ahead.  And, it’s part of our month-long series covering the foundational research and topics related to creating a better life. Today, you’re not only going to learn the correct way to set goals according to research, you’re also going to identify 1-3 goals for yourself, and I’ll be doing the same thing right along with you.  Have no idea what your goals are or where to even start? Don’t worry; you will by the end of the episode. You’ll apply the latest research every single step of the way.  And that’s not all.  You can access a free companion workbook at melrobbins.com/goals that will walk you through everything we’re talking about so you can go even deeper into this conversation. Expect your goals to change as you listen to this episode, so don’t worry about doing any of this “right.”  By the end of this episode you will have even taken the first steps toward your goal.  How cool is that? I can’t wait. Let’s get started. Xo Mel For full show notes, including all research mentioned in the episode, go to melrobbins.com/podcast. For a free worksheet that dives deeper into the episode and helps you apply what you learn, click here. In this episode, you’ll learn:1:15: How do I set goals the right way?2:56: Why setting goals is so important: the truth from research8:24: The exciting new research about goals from Dr. Birkman that you need to know10:56: My three goals for 202313:05: I’m answering your top question about goals13:27: Four science-backed hacks to use when you’re not sure what your goals are16:20: Three qualities of the best goals21:48: Two components of a goal that you’ve got to have in order to achieve it27:07: What neuroscience says about why your brain needs these two components31:25: The five mistakes we all make when we set and try to achieve goals42:41: A powerful question about goals from Columbia University researchers that you should ask yourself44:57: Why setting a “high-low range goal” will make you more successful50:33: The most important thing you should do once you set a goal53:06: Here’s the crazy irony about achieving your goals Disclaimer

Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to a tactical and absolutely amazing episode for you goal achievers out there of the Mel Robbins podcast. Hey, I'm Mel Robbins. I'm a New York Times bestselling author and one of the most trusted experts in the world on behavior change and motivation. And that brings me to today's topic, goal setting. At goal setting, it sounds simple, right? You just set a goal then you go after. goal setting is something that I screwed up for years. I was the poster child of making resolutions and of being all talk, no walk. I was part of the 81 and of being an all-talk no-walk.

I was part of the 81% of people that abailed on my resolutions by the time January 1st rolled around. That is, until I dug into the research, read the books, studied the experts, and figured out how you set goals and do it right according to what research has to say. And I want to talk to you about this today because I am getting an avalanche of course, how you set goals and do it right according to what research has to say. And I want to talk to you about this today because I am getting an avalanche of questions and messages about setting goals and breaking and making new habits, like this one from Dave.

Hey, Mel, this is Dave. I'm wondering if you can talk about goal setting and how they do it right. There's a lot of talk about resolutions and goals, especially with the New Year coming up. And in the past, I've had a hard time setting them and achieving goals. Could you give me any tips? First, I want to say to you, Dave, thank you for this question, because you're not the only one that has a hard time setting and achieving goals. Change is always going to be hard. Always. I'm not going to lie to you about that. Change is always going to be hard. Always, I'm not going to lie to you about that. But neuroscience, academic research, and other people's personal experiences can provide unbelievable insights into how, when, and why behavior change efforts on your part can

succeed or fail. And I want you to have all of this and be able to use it to your advantage. And I'm not only going to give you tips, we are going to have a master class in gold setting. In fact, I've decided we're going to do something a little different. For at least the next month, all of the coming episodes are going to be master classes, toolkits on the most important topics when it comes to creating a better life. Habits, mindset, anxiety, relationships, mental health,

healing your nervous system and trauma, confidence, boundaries, happiness, meaning and purpose. Why? Well, because these are the foundational pillars to create a better life. And so this awesome series that we are programming and bringing to life for you is going to begin two day with the topic of goal setting. And the fact is goals matter. According to the research, and you probably have experienced this

when you have been working on goals, goals matter because number one, they make you happier. Number two, they suppress negative emotions. And in fact, based on some groundbreaking research out of the University of Wisconsin, having goals that you're working on can even suppress feelings of fear and depression. That's pretty cool.

Third, goals give you a sense of purpose, meaning, and being up to something. In fact, I just had a conversation with our daughter, Sawyer, who was saying that she's kind of in a rut. She's like, I just feel like my life is the same old, same old, like every day is the same damn day. And it's only gotten worse because she works remote and she's worked remote for over a year and a half.

And she first interned for the company she works for as a senior in college. She's almost never gone into the office. No holiday for as a senior in college. She's almost never gone into the office. No holiday parties, no nothing in person. Every day she sits at her desk at home and works virtually. She hangs out with her roommates so she loves, but it's like the same thing in and out. You want to know what's going to fix this? Goals. Because when you have goals, it interrupts the day to day doldrum. It gives you something to look forward to. It makes you feel like

something cool is happening. And that leads me to the fourth benefit. Life is harder when you have no goals. Based on the research, having goals makes your life feel easier. And I think even just that little story I just told you about my daughter feeling like she's in a rut. You can see that when you're in a rut, life is hard. When you feel stuck, when things are monotonous, it's hard. When you get something that excites you, something that you're working toward, that's pretty awesome. And that's why we, you and me, baby, we are going to start with your goals because they matter. And what also matters is how you set them.

Because if you don't set goals the right way, based on science, you fail before you even start. And that was Mel Robbins for years. So think of this episode as a comprehensive toolkit that will help you make goals that are going to keep you inspired that you can achieve, that are going to make you feel excited about the year ahead, and what you're up to. And I have one promise to share with you. You're not only going to learn a lot today, by the time this episode is over, you're going

to have identified between one to three goals. And you're going to be doing it side by side with me as I do the same thing and identify three goals for myself. And you and I, we are also going to apply the latest research every single step of the way. And I want to share something upfront. I expect your goals to change from the beginning of this episode to the very end, I expect you to change what you first write down because what's going to happen is you're going to be applying the research all the way through this episode. And by the end of the conversation, you will not only have defined your goals, you will have refined them. And that's why I'm excited to share that I have a little surprise for you.

I created a worksheet that acts like a companion to our conversation today. And you can grab it for free. Just go to melrobbins.com slash goals. You can download it there. And it's going to walk you through everything that we are talking about step by step so you can go even deeper into this conversation and research around goals. Because I do expect that your goals are going to change, and I expect that mine are going to change too, as we talk through them in real time. And one more thing, by the time the episode is over, you will have also taken steps toward

achieving those goals. How freaking cool is that? So please, listen all the way to the end because we're going to cover a ton of ground today. If you want the worksheet, go to melrobbins.com slash goals. Now let me preview what we're going to walk through today. We're going to start by unpacking really exciting research that's pretty recent out of the University of Oregon, and this research simplifies goal setting into two major components. That's it.

Goals are not that complicated. You got these two things present, you're going to win. This study explains to me why I have failed so many times in the past at setting certain goals. And you're going to be able to see why you failed too. You're missing one of these two required components. So after we cover those two components, I'm going to walk you through the five mistakes that absolutely everybody makes. I have made these mistakes over and over and over again. And these are the mistakes that prevent you from achieving your goals.

And here's how we're going to use those mistakes. We're going to walk through them one by one. And you are going to take the goals that you've defined, and we are going to refine them to make sure that you do not fall into these mistakes whatsoever, because you, my friend, are going to win this here. And step by step, I'm going to support you in making sure that happens.

I am so excited for what you're gonna learn in this episode, and I'm also excited because guess what? I'm doing it with you, and I got my little worksheet right here. We are gonna dig into these goals, okay? Cool, you ready? I gotta take a breath because there's a lot we're gonna do. Woo, really, really excited about this. I love goals.

And I also love this recent research that I found from Dr. Elliott Berkman at the University of Oregon. Now Dr. Berkman is the co-director of the Center for Translational Neuroscience. And he studies the motivational and cognitive factors that contribute to success or failure at achieving goals. I mean, he's figured this out for both of us. How cool is this? And when you hear this research, this is kind of one of those studies you're like, well,

that makes a hell of a lot of sense. Why did nobody tell me this? So first, let's start with his definition of a goal. Okay. Dr. Berkman's definition of a goal is this. A goal is any desired outcome that wouldn't otherwise happen without you doing something. Let me unpack this.

This is kind of illuminating, okay? So a goal is any desired outcome that wouldn't otherwise happen without you doing something. So I'll give you an example of a goal. Let's say that this was the year that you're like, that's it, I'm getting six pack abs this year. If you have a goal of getting six pack abs, you have to do something different. That's why it's a goal.

If you have a goal of getting out of debt, for example, you have to do something to make that goal happen. Let me give you an example of what is not a goal. Watching that series that you're addicted to right now for my family, it's gangs of London. I don't have to do anything different to watch the series, gangs of London. You see how that's not a goal? The reason why it's not a goal is there is zero resistance. There is zero change. There is zero change.

There's zero that I have to do differently. Goals naturally contain friction and resistance because they require you to do something new. Now that might sound obvious, but if you don't get that a goal is going to require you to push through some kind of resistance, you're going to fail at setting them. They're going to be way too easy.

So let's start applying this to your life right now. I want you to think about an area of your life that you would like to improve or where you want to set a goal. So just stop and think about the coming year. What is an area of your life that you want to improve or where you want to make a new goal? I have three that I'm going to share with you. And one of my goals for the coming year is in the area

of free time and hobbies and having fun. A second goal of mine is going to impact my health in a positive way. And the third is about my mindset and focus and clarity. So I'm going to unpack these and just I invite you to listen along. And as I'm explaining my goals, think about what you're inspired to change, where you're willing to do something different. So I'm going to start with number one, hobbies, and have a more fun. I really want to spend more time, one goal of mine this year is to spend more time gardening.

I just love gardening, not vegetables. I like flowers, landscape. And I want to make sure a goal of mine this year is that I spend more time gardening. That's one goal. Now a second goal that I have for this year is related to my health, and I want to stop drinking for a while this year. That's a goal of mine to really just knock off the booze for a bit. And third is about my mindset. I want to get back to a consistent journaling practice every single morning. There are things that I do every single morning

that have zero resistance. I don't even have to think about it. I high five the mere every morning and set an intention. I have no resistance. I have a cup of coffee every morning, no resistance. I typically move my body most mornings, no resistance. But something that I really want to make a goal of mine is having a consistent journaling practice

every single morning. That would be pretty cool for me. So I want you to now stop and think about you. What are goals that you have for the coming year that are going to require you to do something different in order to make this goal happen? I want to stop for a second because I want to address something that you may be thinking right now because it's a question I'm seeing a lot like this one from Kurt. Hey, Mel, how do I set my goals if I can't determine what my goals are? because it's a question I'm seeing a lot like this one from Kurt. Hey, Mel, how do I set my goals if I can't determine what my goals are? I absolutely love this question. This is incredibly common to not really know what your goals are.

So let's talk about the research. Okay, these are prompts that are are gonna help you to relax and to dream a little bit and to lean into goals that are really gonna make a difference in your life, because I want you to have goals. They really matter. So number one, it's really important that you make sure that your goals are really aligned with your dreams.

And if you can't come up with any goals that really inspire you, this is going to sound counterintuitive, but I want to invite you to think even bigger. If you allow yourself to start dreaming again, you and I can then use the research to scale that big, awesome dream of yours back and turn it into small achievable goals.

This is based in research. And so I invite you. If you don't know what you want, allow yourself to dream big again. And then we'll get into the research about how to make that big dream a smaller goal. Now, if you're sitting there going, but Mal, like, I don't have goals.

And now you're talking about dreams. I don't even know what those are either. I got you covered there, too. Did an episode a couple weeks ago, the title is called Your Dreams Are Not A Joke. And I will put a link to that episode in the resources to make it easy for you, okay? Let's move on to the second tip that I have based on research to help you identify what your goals are. This one, little morbid, but it works. If you don't know where to start, think about the end, like the real end, your death.

When you think about the fact that at some point this amazing thing called life comes to an end. What do you want to have achieved in your life? When you think about it in reverse, trust me. You're not going to wish that you spent more days at work. You're going to wish that you spent more time outside or more time with family. You're going to wish that you did pick up the guitar. You're going to wish that you did take on some of the goals that are buried deep within your heart. And so if you truly feel stuck,

think about your own death. Research shows that it prompts you to get in touch with what matters to you. Now, if that doesn't float your boat, you can also just get quiet. And this is based in powerful research. Mindful individuals are way better at setting the right goals for themselves. And I personally believe that one of the reasons why is that when you have a mindfulness practice,

whether it's a meditation practice or heck, just get out in the woods for a walk. Have you noticed that if you ever take a long walk on a beach, that by the end of that 30-minute stroll, you've worked out a lot of your problems in life because you've gotten quiet. If you get quiet, you can hear the most important sound in the world, and that's your own voice. And that matters when it comes to goal setting because the best goals are those goals that are personally relevant, meaningful, and enjoyable to you. Researchers have a term for this. They call goals that are personal to you, self-concordant

goals, or want-to goals. This comes from researchers at Carlton University. Getting in touch with yourself helps you set these kind of concordant goals. They are not goals that you feel pressure to do out of obligation. I think we've all taken on those goals, right? Where you're like, all right, everybody's good and shave. Oh, everybody's doing whole 30. Oh, everybody's doing this. Guess I better do that too. Those kind of goals don't work because you're not interested in those goals. I'm going to give you an example for my own life. So when I was a little bit younger, I'm 54, I used to look at women who could wear a bathing suit and they could rock it with six pack abs.

And I always thought to myself, oh my god, Mel, you need six pack abs. Woman, you got to get to the gym. You got to cut out the carbs. You got to start doing all kinds of squats and crunches and all that stuff. You got to get those abs, woman. You want another truth? I don't have any interest in doing the work to have six-pack abs. Six-pack abs are things that I admire in other people. They require a level of discipline in your life that I admire in other people. They require a level of discipline

in your life that I am not interested in. So that goal of six pack abs, that's not a self-concordant goal for me. Would I like them to magically appear? Of course I would, but I don't want to do the work to get it. And remember the definition of a goal. A goal is something that is not just going to happen on its own. And you and I are friends and we can be honest with one another. Six pack abs are not just going to show up on your body like an Amazon package does on your doorstep. You have to do something and I'm very clear with myself. I don't want to do what you got to do in order

to achieve that goal. And so I'd never set that goal. And so please, do not set goals that you feel pressured to, you know, set, do not set goals that, oh, that'd be nice. Oh, I'd like that to magically happen like some unicorn flying through the air. Do not do that to yourself. You want goals that are in touch with something deeply personal to you.

That means you're willing to do the work to make it happen, and you feel personally invested in that work because it's tied to you personally. And here's another really interesting little hack that helps you continue to identify what your goals might be. And this is about as weird, honestly, as the tip about thinking about your own funeral. You're going to talk in the third person. Don't do this in public because people will think you've got a screw loose.

But what you want to do when you're trying to identify goals for real is use the third person perspective. And this comes from research at Cornell. When you talk in the third person, it helps you crystallize and achieve personal goals better. And so I'm gonna give you an example of this. Mel doesn't want six pack abs, because Mel doesn't want to do the work to make them happen.

But Mel would really love to spend more time gardening. You know what else Mel would love to do? Mel would love to see what life feels like if she stopped drinking for several months. And I can think of another thing that my friend Mel would just really love to achieve in her life. Mel would love to achieve the goal of having a rock solid journaling routine. That's an example of how you use this research. And honestly, it's kind of weird when you use it. It's very powerful. When you use the third person,

it's almost like you're talking about another person. And It's very powerful. When you use the third person, it's almost like you're talking about another person. And from the objective standpoint, it feels like Mel has a flower garden and she journals every morning and she didn't drink for several months. Now I want to turn it back to you for real. I want you to take a minute. I want you to think about the goal that you've been writing down or thinking about as you and I have been talking.

And for real, use the third person. Let's cornl this sucker. Let's use the third person and I want you to test this out and see if your goal feels right to you when you use this research. Go ahead. I'll wait. Yeah, talk out loud. Say your name out loud and describe that goal. Good job. It's kind of weird, isn't it, when you use your own name? And look, it's okay if it's super general. Mine are really general.

Did you notice that? My goals right now, they're just things I kind of want to do. I want a journal. I want to not drink for a couple months, and I want to spend more time gardening. But by the time this episode is done, you and I are gonna refine these general statements, these goals using research.

And so let's dig into this exciting research that I promise to talk about from the University of Oregon. So here's the most important thing about goals. I love this study because it boils goals down into two things that have to be present in order for your goals to stick. If these two components of a goal are not present, you're not going to do shit when it comes to this goal. I have experienced this in my own life and now that I know this research, it makes perfect sense why there have been a lot of times in my life that I would make goals, and I wouldn't achieve them.

And I know that you have experiences too. And once you hear this research, you're gonna go, oh my gosh, this is like the secret I didn't know. So we're gonna take a quick break to hear a word from our sponsors. And when we come back, it is the two components of a goal that you've got to have. And that's coming next.

Welcome back. We were just about to jump into this exciting research from the University of Oregon and talk about the two components that you need present in order to achieve any goal. And these two components that must be there are what researchers call the will and the way. The will of any goal refers to the motivational and emotional aspects of the behavior change. In other words, the will is the why of behavior change. So let me ask you a couple questions that are gonna help you really clarify the why

when it comes to the goals that you're thinking about as you and I are talking right now. Why is the behavior change important to you? Why do you want to change? Why now? I'm going to go through these and I'm going to use one of my goals, gardening. Why is the behavior change important to you? Well, it's important to me this goal of spending more time this year gardening because I love

gardening. And I've talked a lot on this podcast about how I am addicted to being busy and it causes a lot of stress. And when I'm out in the garden, it's super relaxing. It's really creative. I love cutting flowers and bringing them in. The second question, why do you want to change? I want to change because I want to be present,

more in my life. I want to change because I want to get serious about having more fun and being more creative. And this third question, why now? Why now? Why is this a goal now in your life? Well, for me, why now is because I just feel called to do it. I feel like if I'm ever going to break this addiction to being busy and I'm going to find more

time to truly enjoy my life, I have to get serious about making that change now, like why wait? And so I feel called to do it. So that's the first part and I want you to ask those questions of yourself for any goal you want to set. Why is the behavior important to you? Why do you want to change? Why now? And if you don't have an answer to those questions, that goal that you're thinking about will not work because they will to do it, the motivation, the why. It's not going to be there because it's not personal to anything to you. Now let's talk about the second component, okay? The second component in the study from the University of Oregon is the way. And the way you refer us to the cognitive and informational aspects

of the behavior change. The way is the how of behavior change. And so let me walk you through those questions. How is this behavior change going to unfold? What skills and capacities does it require? What is the specific plan for doing it? And for me, the behavior change that's gonna unfold is I am going to study how to create a cutting garden. I'm gonna build my own like little,

what are they called, like raise bed thingies that you kinda put the thingies in. I'm gonna learn about cultivating flowers from seeds. What skills and capacities does it require? Well, a lot for me. What is the specific plan? I'm in the middle of creating the plan. And I think you can start to see,

as you ask yourself these questions about the goal that you have, how's this behavior change going on fold? What skills and capacities does it require? What is the specific plan for getting this done? I think you can see that if you don't identify the how, that change ain't happening. Because will power alone, motivational, it's not enough. You got to have, according to the research, both the why and the how in order to be successful at changing behavior. And so the takeaway here, based in science,

is that any goal requires two things. There must be a why and a how. And here's why this is really interesting. Neuroscience has revealed that your brain system involved in those two sides of the behavior change are entirely different from one another. So for example, the how you're going to make this goal a reality, that's all the brain circuits that are involved in executive functioning,

including your prefrontal cortex among other areas of the brain, the why on the other hand, is that dopam and energetic, I can't even say it, that's why I can't say it's the dopamine reward system within the brain. That's the why. And you need both. You need to tackle the how, which is having the know how the skills plan the push. And you also got to have the why.

And the why is what comes into play when you know what to do, but you can't do it. It's how you hack the motivation. And what studies reveal is that this is hard because new behaviors, they're rarely as motivating. As much as we may love to make a plan and you may love to buy a new journal, or I used to love to buy a new planner. You know when you buy a new calendar for the new semester and it feels like the new you,

I just loved the planning part. But have you ever had that experience where you're all excited to go to the gym? You're all excited to try this new routine. You're all excited for this new habit and the day one that comes, no motivation at all. I mean, it makes sense because why would you want to try that new hit exercise when you know that watching Netflix, something you do all the time, is way more enjoyable? That's why you cannot just have the why you

want to do it with no plan. That doesn't work. And you also can't have a plan and have no reason why you want to get it done. And when you really stop and think about your goals this way, having a why and a how, it's what's going to get you excited. And if you're somebody that continues to make goals, but you constantly give up on them, I'm going to tell you something right now. Those goals are not linked to something that you value, to a core belief, and the second that you make that link and you make these goals personal, holy cow, you will be unstoppable.

So, we've covered the two components of goals based on the research at University of Oregon. We've covered the two components of goals based on the research at University of Oregon. I've asked you to walk through the questions of the why and the how about the goals that you're starting to set. And I want to say something right now. If you're starting to feel like the things you wrote down in the beginning are not the goals that you want, that's great. You may change things up completely from the beginning of this episode, the middle of the episode, and the end of the episode. That's the point of this.

Listening to research is not going to change your life, applying the research will. So please, as you're gaining insight and as you're taking the tools that I'm sharing with you and you're applying them to the way that you're thinking about your own goals and you're working through the little worksheet that we've got, please allow yourself to change. Allow yourself to modify the goals. It doesn't mean that you're failing if you revise what you first row down. It actually means that you're winning because you're applying the science. And when you apply the science and these simple tools, that is what's going to help you achieve them. Let's take a short break and hear a word from our sponsors.

And when we come back, we're going to walk through the five mistakes that I used to make all the time. Everybody makes, these are grounded in research. And we are going to apply them one by one to the goals that you've already written down. Welcome back. Okay, so now that you've identified a couple of goals, you know the two components, we're now going to walk through the five mistakes

that everybody makes. I used to make these mistakes. If you don't know about them, you'd probably make these mistakes. This is all grounded in research. And we're gonna use them in a really cool way because we're gonna take the mistakes and not only flag them so you don't fall

for these mistakes, but we're gonna use them to make it smarter. We're gonna use them to refine those goals. So let's jump into mistake number one. Mistake number one with setting and achieving goals is you are only focused on the how and you completely forget about the why. This is so important. I've got a really good example of how I have failed in the past at setting and achieving goals because I felt so much pressure to do something. My Y was not present, and I'm going to use the example ironically of drinking, which is one. In the past, I have had lots of pressure around me at the turn of the year to not drink. There's that thing called dry January

and a lot of people that I love have participated in it. People around me have been doing it. And I didn't feel called to do it. I just had a huge sense of FOMO that I was going to miss out on something if I didn't jump in with everybody else. And so I felt pressure to jump in and have it be a goal that I would do dry January.

And here's what's interesting about when you feel pressured to make a goal. When you feel pressured to do something, there is an inner rebel inside of you that suddenly shows up and pushes back. And sure enough, the last couple of years that I've been like, yeah, okay, I'll do drug-generated with you guys.

The second that I committed to it out of pressure, the rebel in me was like, nope. And I lasted two or three days, and then I started being sneaky and lying about it. The why was in present. This is so important and this year is different. This year is different because this year one of my goals is not to participate in dry January but my goal is to not drink for several months and there's a reason why. The reason why is I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish.

And even just having a beer at night to pull the lever that work is over and you can relax now, it's making me too tired at night and it's impacting my sleep. And here's my why. I want to see what will happen. This is like an experiment to my focus, to my downtime, to the brain fog, to the symptoms of menopause that I'm experiencing, if I just remove alcohol, not during the week, but I just remove it completely for a couple of months. And so my why is that I want to be present and more focused for the next couple months. And I feel as though if I removed alcohol,

it would have a major impact. And there's more I want to get done. And that's why it feels different this time. Because I'm not setting this goal because I feel pressured to. I'm setting this goal because I want to. So taking that research in mind, what's your why for real? What is the goal that you want to do?

Because identifying that is going to make all the difference in the world. Now, let's talk about mistake number two. I see this all the time. In my opinion, this is not based on a study, but in my opinion, this is the mistake that everybody makes the most. You ready for it? You're setting too many goals. Stop doing that. Okay? Stop committing to dry January whole 30, learning Spanish, changing your job, painting the back bedroom, volunteering twice a week, and being a nicer person all in the same month. Stop, okay? Just stop. And if you're in a dire state right now, a life is just punching you on a face. I want to say something directly to you. Maybe you're trying to finalize your divorce

from some narcissistic asshole. Maybe things have gotten so bad you're living in your car as you listen to this, or you just got out of the hospital or you flunked out of college. Please only pick one goal. Use this episode to focus on that major challenge that you're facing and make it a goal of yours to face it and to make the situation better. Because when you can face the challenges in your life and you can see yourself doing small things every day to make that really hard thing that you're dealing with better, that is the most incredible goal that you could ever achieve.

Because not only does it improve your life, it makes you feel better about yourself. It makes you feel more confident. And that's what I want for you. And if you're not going through a challenging time, that doesn't mean you should have 17 goals. Because taking on too many things based on the research means you're gonna get nothing done. That's why we are going to focus on just one to three goals at a time. That is it, okay? That's it. Don't give me the buh buh buh buh buh buh buh. But I think I could, but what about habits that buh buh buh buh. No. One to three goals. And in fact, I'd be thrilled if you came out of this episode and you just had one goal

that you had defined and refined based on the research and that you were excited about. Wouldn't that be empowering? Of course it would. So let's move on to mistake number three. When you define the goal, you're missing the sweet spot based on research. You see, there is this sweet spot with goal setting and goal achievement between it being way too easy and it being way too hard. It's sort of like Goldilocks in the three bears, right? One was too little, one's too big, one's just right. There is a just right sweet spot when it comes to goal setting. And most people, in addition to setting too many goals, most people go way too big. Do not make your goal way too big? That's what a dream is.

Your dreams are big. Your goals have to be small. Your dreams have no timeline. They're aspirational. Your goals must be specific, and they must be on a timeline, and they must be definable. They've got to be tiny. See, you want something that you know you can achieve. This comes from research at Florida State University. This also is grounded in research from the

famous Habit Research that BJ Fog has done at Stanford. You have to have it be something you know you can achieve. But let's go back to the sweet spot. So I know that I could achieve journaling one day. But that's not really a sweet spot, is it? I'm not that inspired doing that one day. The sweet spot means it's achievable, but it still has to be kind of ambitious. Because remember the definition of a goal, it's got to be something that's going to require you

to do something. There's going to be resistance there. And this is really important because you're going to have a greater level of motivation and satisfaction if the goal still has a little bit of ambition to it. And that comes from research at UC Riverside. And by the way, we will link to all of this in the show notes. So you can dig into this research too. But the bottom line here is it's a mistake to go way too high. It's a mistake to go way too low. You got to hit the sweet spot. So let me go back to the example

of my goal to not drink for a couple months. I'm going to refine my goal because a couple months, that's kind of vague, isn't it, right? Like, I don't really have a definition for that. A year way too big. A year feels like something like a punishment right now for me. I don't want to do that. My husband does not drink at all. He loves not drinking. I don't want to go out entire year.

That's not what my goal is right now. My goal is to not drink for several months and learn something about myself. And if I decide to keep going, that's great. I could commit to dry January, but you know what? That feels too little. It feels like something everybody's doing. It feels like something I've tried in the past

and I didn't really into it. I want to do something that feels a little bit bigger but achievable. And so here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to say that I'm not going to drink for 75 days. That's longer than a couple of months. It's not an entire year. It still feels achievable, but it is definitely ambitious, especially when I throw in the fact that Valentine's Day is coming up.

I'm going to this big thing at the end of January and seeing a ton of friends and a lot of people there will be drinking. So there's a lot in that commitment, which means my goal is in the sweet spot. So now I want you to apply this research and learning to your goals. Take a look at your goals, whether you're writing them down on the worksheet or you're just thinking about them.

And is your goal in that sweet spot? Let's Goldilocks in the three bears this thing, okay? Because your goals need to be put in that sweet spot. If it's too little or too big, you've got to adjust it so that it feels just right. That's how you apply this research to refine the goal so that you are successful in achieving it. Pretty cool, right? are successful in achieving it. Pretty cool, right? All right. Now let's talk about mistake number four and take what we learned from it and apply it to further refining the goals that you're going to work on. And that mistake is having goals that are way too general. And I will say, I just kind of out of myself saying two months not drinking too general,

but my goal to guard more way too general. It's true, way too general. Dreams can be general, because dreams don't have a timeline, but your goals have to be specific. And there's a particular question that a researcher at Columbia University, Dr. Heidi Halverson, has come up with that you should ask yourself, when will you know if you've succeeded?

That's it. When will you know if you've succeeded? And so let's do the gardening example. When will I know if I've succeeded at spending more time in my garden? This is an interesting question, because when I ask myself this question about succeeding, I realize that it's not really about spending more time gardening.

My goal is more about learning how to grow a specific type of flower called adalia. I first discovered them last year I am in love with dalias. They are so gorgeous. And they're kind of complicated. You got to dig them up where we live and storm inside over the winter. You can grow them. I mean, it's like a whole thing. So I'm stepping into this and I realize that my goal is really to grow my first ever dallias from seed. And I know I will have succeeded when I'm able to cut my first bouquet of dallias and they are in a vase next to my kitchen sink. Oh, this is so cool. I like this mistake a lot because it's really helping me think about

how to define these goals so that I'm gonna win. Now I wanna turn back to you. And don't worry, you know, the question is on your worksheet, you can get that at melrobbins.com slash goals. The question you're gonna ask yourself is how will I know if I've succeeded at my goal? And when you apply this question and the research to the goal that you have, I promise you you're probably going to refine it even further. This is so cool. All right, we got one more

mistake. Mistake number five, and I'm so excited to share this one with you because this was new to me I discovered this researching the show most of this stuff I've known based on some of the books that we've researched and projects that we've done for Audible But this new one is so cool. Have you ever heard of a high low range goal? This will blow your mind. This comes from Florida State University. It's easier to lose two to four pounds than three pounds. I'm gonna say that again. It's easier to lose two to four pounds than three pounds. Isn't that kind of cool? That a high low range goal is

going to make it easier for you to achieve it. So let me put that into application. So for me, you know what that means? I'm gonna make it a goal to journal between five and seven days a week. Oh, I just that feels achievable. That feels like I can do it. Like it's still a lot, but I can do it. Or how about this one with flowering? When I see anywhere from one to ten flowers blooming in my garden, Dali is blooming, I should say, I will have succeeded at my goal. And drinking, I'm not going to budge on it in terms of 75 days, but I can say I'm not going to have had a drink in 75 out of 90 days.

I love this high low thing. Do you see how it helped me further refine what I'm going for? What's interesting about going through this exercise with you and working it out on this worksheet is I feel successful already. The more I'm refining my goals using this research, the more confident I'm becoming that I can actually do this. I love seeing this work in real time, and so I do want you right now to apply this last mistake and all the research from Florida State and turn your goals into a high low range goal. It's pretty cool.

I know. I know. I'm feeling excited. I think you can tell. I'm feeling excited about growing my dalleas and journaling in my journal and not drinking. I think this is going to be awesome.. I think this is gonna be awesome. And I think your goals are pretty awesome too. Now, I know what you're probably now starting to think about.

Mel, how do I get started? How do I achieve this? Okay, this has been fun girl, but this is a lot like buying a brand new planner for the new school year. So, now what do I do? Okay. Well, step number one, based on the research, the second that you define your goals, and

we have now defined the goals. I'm feeling super empowered. I hope you are too. You have to make the first milestone super, super easy because that means it feels like you've already done it. Okay. So we got to make a super simple first step. Scientists call this incremental illusion. That's what we're using. Incremental illusion. If you make the first few milestones really easy to achieve, you will be more likely to succeed at this goal because

nothing, and I mean nothing, is more motivating than progress. And research from the University of Chicago gives us a great example of what I'm talking about, okay? So, you know how you go to a coffee shop and they have these offers where if you buy 10 cups of coffee, you get the next coffee free. So, they gave one group of people a card that was by 10 cups of coffee, get one free card, but it was blank, okay? They gave another group of people a by 12 cups of coffee, and then you get a free card, but two of the slots were already checked off. Progress had already

been made. It's still the same thing. I mean, you still have to buy 10 cups of coffee to get the free one, but guess what? The folks that were given the card that had two of the slots already checked off, they moved through the card faster and felt more motivated because two boxes were already checked. Why do you feel more motivated? When it's the exact same 10 cups of coffee, I'll tell you why. It's because those two boxes signals that you've already gotten started. That's what researchers are talking about. And you have the exact same thing going on.

Just listening to this podcast, check, there's a box. Downloading your worksheet, check, there's a box, workshopping your goals with me, applying the research, check. There's a box. You're not starting at zero. You've already started taking steps toward your goals. You have momentum, and I want you to keep going. And I'm talking about the smallest steps here.

I'll give you an example. So Chris gave me a book about Dallias for a holiday prison. Check. If I read one page in that book later today, there's another step forward. Check. You can do the exact same thing. What's one small step you could take today? Could you do a Google search about your goal? Could you spend a little time journaling about it?

What's something that you could do? And if you can't think of something, no problem. I've got something based on research that you should do. And that is tell someone you admire about this goal today. This comes from a set of new studies from Ohio State. Researchers found that you show greater goal commitment and performance when you tell your goal to someone you admire or his opinion you value. And these results run counter to this widely reported 2009 study from NYU that suggested

that telling other people your goal is actually counterproductive. And so here's what you can do. Just tell somebody you admire. Here's how I'm doing it. I'm sharing these goals with you. And I'm going to go share these goals with my family. And I'm going to share these goals with my friends. I'm going to talk to the woman that I met this summer that is growing dallias and learn

from her. That's another step. This is like us checking off the boxes on that free coffee card and getting you to start seeing yourself making progress. The second that this episode is over, do a tiny thing, one step forward. Do not wait for Monday, do not wait for the weekend, do not wait until later. The most important thing you could do, spend five minutes taking a step. This comes from a recent study at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine

that showed that starting right away resulted in the most change, spend five minutes taking a step. Whew, now I get to talk about the most life-changing part of all of this. You ready? The whole reason why goal setting is important is because it creates meaning and purpose in your life. And that's the most important part. The most important part is that you're pursuing something. That's why

goals matter so much. I mean, remember the research we talked about in the very beginning? Those goals that you've defined and refined based on the research, having them, taking little steps toward them, it's going to make you happier. It will suppress negative emotions. It makes you feel like you're up to something. And your life is going to be way more satisfying having those goals that you're working on than having no goals at all. There's a reason why I'm going to hammer this idea of pursuing the goal. Okay? First of all, I don't want you to try to get this perfect. I just want you to try. And the second reason why is that when you achieve a goal, the irony is, it's not as satisfying as you think it's going to be. Setting goals makes you happy. Working on goals makes you happy. Achieving goals does not create or promise lasting happiness. Yeah, it is awesome.

When you finally get to the top of that mountain, you've been climbing. You take in the view, you catch your breath, you sit down on a rock, you take a selfie, you eat some gorp and then you stand up and you climb back down. It's over. Yeah, it's amazing when you pay off your bills. You celebrate, you feel the burst of pride. And then you go on with life. The point and the purpose of achieving and setting goals that are deeply personal, that have a will and a why, right, is because when you have goals, you're up to something. You're committing to your own growth and you're getting intentional about things

that are relevant and important that you wanna see yourself doing. And we have a tendency to overestimate how happy we're gonna be when we achieve the goal. And there's even a name for it. That's how common this is. It's called the arrival fallacy. It's this fallacy that once you lose the weight,

once you get the job, once you find the romance, once you reach the destination, that then I'll be in Nirvana, then I'll be happy. Then I'll, no. Tal Ben-Sharah, the Harvard-Tined positivity psychology expert, he is debunked this thing in study after study after study. And all you have to do is look at the number of Olympians or movie stars that we think have achieved it all that then are just plummeting and struggling after their greatest achievements

and we're like, what? How could they possibly do? They have gold medals. They have millions of dollars. I got it. Well, because they're not working toward anything that matters. It was working toward the gold medal, working to make that movie, going to auditions,

and pushing through the failure, and having this goal that you set for yourself, working on it is what gives your life meaning. And that's why I wanted to start this series of life changing episodes of the Mel Robbins podcast, the foundational stuff about how you create a better life with goal setting, because goal setting from this point forward must be a part of your life. If you want to feel a greater sense of purpose and meaning, period.

And so I want you to come back to this episode. I want you to bookmark it. I want you to share this with people that you care about. If you've got somebody like I do, who's a college senior, and as they approach graduation and they start to feel like they're about to have a quarter-life crisis and they're lost.

You know what they need? They need goals. If you have a friend going through divorce, you know what they need? They need goals. If you're bored in life or feeling stuck or you're got to hit the reinvention button. You know what you need? You need goals. And you can relisten to this at any moment in your life and walk yourself through this very simple,

but powerful and life-changing research to get very clear about what you want and why you want it and how you're going to go achieve it. Now, speaking about the how, you want to know how? Habits are how you achieve goals. Systems are how you make it easier. And so coming up next in this life changing series, we're gonna do a 101 on habits. What the science says about habits, the three components that make a new habit in code and stick in your brain.

And we're also gonna give you the research back shortcuts that you can use to make new habits stick and to make that change and the new habits that are going to help you achieve your goals easier to implement in your life. That's what's coming next. But for now, I want you to remember the definition of the goal. A goal is anything that you desire that wouldn't otherwise happen without you doing something. In fact, here's a great next step you could take. Share this episode

with somebody you admire, somebody that is supportive, somebody who you want to have helped you achieve your goals. And tell them you just listen to this episode and you used everything that you learned to create these goals. And ask for their support. And tell them to email you back once they listen to this episode with what their goals are. That's how we're going to do this. We're going to do this together. Yes, you can change in secret. Yes, you can change on your own, but let me tell you some. It is way more fun and it's way easier when we do this thing together. I cannot wait to hear what your goals are and to support you as you start taking little

actions every day to achieve them because that's the thing about goals. So when you set a goal, you're defining who you want to become. When you make it a habit, these things are what you do. And ultimately, it becomes who you are as a person. This is how you change your life. You change it by getting clear about what you want and why you want it, and then you get serious about inching forward every single day. So it's no longer something you're writing down on a piece of paper. It's actually the person that you see every single day staring back at you

in the mirror because it's become who you are. And on that note, I just want to say, I am so excited for this series. I am so excited that you're here, and in case nobody else tells you. I wanted to tell you, I love you, I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to not only write down these goals and define them, but to achieve them too. And that's why I'm here. I'll see you in a couple days. this.