The Mel Robbins Podcast - Harvard Professor Says THIS Is the Secret to Success (It’s Not What You Think)

Episode Date: June 15, 2023

According to Harvard professor Dr. Luana Marques, there is one sneaky habit that holds every single person back – and no one knows what it is. When she reveals the habit that holds you back, your first reaction will be to stop and think. And as you listen to her explain it and give you examples, you’ll be shocked that you’ve never before seen it in yourself or heard anyone else point it out to you… until now. You’re not the only one. I didn’t know about this habit until I was introduced to Dr. Marques’ work. What you learn today will change how you think about success, influence, mindset, and even anxiety and procrastination. This sneaky habit has been holding you back and you didn’t even realize how pervasive it is in your life. It’s not self-doubt. It’s not fear. It’s something even deeper. I want you to listen, because she’s the world’s leading expert on the topic, and this is one of those episodes that will make you never look at life the same again. Xo Mel In this episode, you’ll learn:1:00: The sneaky habit that’s holding you back, according to Dr. Luana Marques3:00: Dr. Marques’ story will inspire you and explain how she discovered these tools.7:30: Why this specific habit is keeping you from your best life.9:00: How this habit leads to anxiety and panic at work.13:00: Dr. Marques’ turning point in finding the success she has, against all odds.22:00: Unpacking exactly what this habit is and how it holds you back, including your body’s response.27:30: The lie you keep telling yourself.30:00: This is how your brain is working against you.33:00: Simple tools from CBT Therapy research that make a difference.36:00: Exactly what to do when your thoughts spin and how to change your mindset immediately.42:00: This approach works even if you don’t believe it.43:30: How do you stress less and find more peace?47:00: The first thing Dr. Marques does when helping her clients change.50:00: How these strategies apply to parenting and family. Disclaimer

Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. Oh boy, you're going to be so excited you tuned in today. I am doubly excited for today's conversation with you. Is that even a word? Double excited? I don't even know. Who cares? We're going to use it today.

I'm doubly excited because I know I'm going to get so much out of this selfishly. Look, I'm always looking out for you, but when I also get doubly the impact because I need the punch in the face of this topic, whoa, do we have a doozy? What is the topic we're going to talk about? Well, it's something that you and I do. In fact, every human being does this, and I don't think I've ever heard anybody talk about it in this manner before. That's why I'm doubly excited for the expert that we've got on today.

We have the world's leading expert on the topic of avoidance. A-A-A-A-A-A Have you ever even thought about it? I bet you haven't, because until I read Dr. Luana Marquez's new book, Bold Moves, I hadn't thought about how much I avoid things in life. I mean, holy guacamole. I not only have a habit of avoiding things that feel hard. Avoidance is everywhere in my life, and I bet it's everywhere in your life. It is so sneaky how this creeps in, and next thing you know, you're avoiding responding to an email, because the email is confronting, or you're avoiding dealing with your bills, or you're avoiding having that hard conversation, or maybe you're avoiding something really big,

like that breakup, or the talk, or going to get that diagnosis that you're scared about. What Dr. Marquez is here to tell you is that avoidance is robbing you and the people that you care about of all the magic that you're capable of experiencing in your life. We got to stop doing it today. You want to know what else you need to do today? You got to listen all the way to the end because in the last episode, we rolled out bloopers for the first time,

something I'd been thinking about but avoiding doing. You went crazy for our first ever bloopers at the end of the show. So we're going to do it again today. So listen all the way to the end. And you're going to love Dr. Luana. She went from being poverty-stricken in Brazil to becoming a professor of psychiatry at Harvard. She is also on the clinical staff at Mass General, which is one of the number one ranked health institutions in the entire world. And today, she is bringing that world-class training to you free of charge. How cool is that? And she is not going to avoid the hard stuff. She's changed how I think.

She's highlighted an issue that I didn't even realize was so prevalent in my life. And the same thing is going to happen for you. Dr. Luana, welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. Thank you, Mom. I'm so excited to be here with you today. I can even tell you how excited I am. Well, it's an honor to talk to you. Your work centers around one skill that everybody on the planet needs to learn how to spot and master. What is it? So my work really is about identifying avoidance

and overcoming avoidance. That is it. Why do we need to do that? Because avoidance is rubbing us for our best life. It's keeping us prisoners of our own thinking and our own behavior. And that keeps us in our own mental jail. I know that you are a specialist in CBT therapy. We're going to get into that.

But I want everybody to hear your background. Now, you know, it's interesting. People come to me and they say, get rid of my anxiety, but the problem is really not in anxiety is what we do when we are anxious and what we do is we avoid. And let me tell you this, I learned this first when I was like 15 and I moved in with my grandmother. So I lived in Little City,

and go ahead and do a lot of that, is in Brazil, and I moved in with my grandmother. So I lived in Little City, go ahead and I thought about that, it's in Brazil and I moved into Belorizouanchi and I just became terrified of people. Like my brain just screamed that people were not gonna like me, that they think I'm different, that come from a small town, that I'm not enough. And so my grandmother noticed this, she's like, why don't you bring friends over and I'd be like, oh no, I just have to study. I need to really study. And I started to just avoid people. Anything related to people. I didn't make friends.

I started to feel lonely. I was really anxious. My brain just was failing me. My grandmother, this woman is incredible. Right? She has no college training. She doesn't know at that point. CBT was nothing.

Cognitive behavior therapy wasn't really in Brazil, specifically, then exist. She one day said to me, Luana, let's go to the mall. I want, I want to eat Chinese food. Now, before I move into my grandma there, there were times in our lives that we didn't have food. And so this idea of having Chinese food in a big town, my grandma, that was so exciting. I get this little tray. I still remember that it's my hands like so excited, this Chinese, I could smell the Chinese food. And she says to me, do you see that gentleman there,

the elder gentleman, let's go talk to him. And my stomach mal dropped. I was like, no, I'm not talking to him, what are you talking about? Like, you know that anxiety and your pit of your stomach just turning. And I was like, I can't do this, like I just can't do this.

And she's like, we're gonna talk to him. And so we sat and she did all the talking. And at that point, I can't do this. Like, I just can't do this. And she's like, we're gonna talk to him. And so we sat and she did all the talking. And at that point, I didn't want the Chinese food anymore, let's be clear. Like, you're going to have to type. I had no appetite. And she just kept doing this. We did it again.

And again, I don't remember how many times, but I remember that eventually, I could talk to people. And eventually people weren't scary anymore. And eventually I made friends. And I realized in graduate school, like later, 20 years later, I realized that my grandmother was doing it's called exposure therapy. She realized I was avoiding, right? I was avoiding strangers.

And she forced me, that's how I felt. She would tell you that she just helped me approach. But she taught me to go against that avoidance, to go towards the things that matter. And I'm telling you, she didn't do that. I probably would have developed social phobia, I probably would be stuck in Brazil still. And so that's why I think avoidance is so powerful, it rubs us from the lives that we want. And there's tons of science behind it, but I learned it from my grandmother. I have my jaw on the floor.

And the reason why is I don't think anybody has really shown this spotlight on the topic of avoidance and how it's everywhere in our lives. And we'll dig into the way that we all avoid, but I'm having this moment where I'm going, holy cow, I remember when Brenne Brown first gave that TED talk about vulnerability. And the whole world was like,

what vulnerability is a superpower? The way you just explained avoidance as something that uncomfortable situations trigger and that it's not being anxious or scared or whatever that's the problem It's really what we do with it and avoiding is the main thing we do you're right You know thank God for your grandmother. Let's give her grandmother some props everybody because dragging you to the mall doctor Luana and not allowing you to avoid other people, because she did that, it changed the trajectory of your life.

You probably wouldn't be where you are today, if not for your grandmother. And in reading your new book, I was blown away by how prevalent avoidance is in everybody's life. I mean, it's just so easy to opt out, to not go, to not try. It's almost like it's your default. Yeah, that's just so easy to opt out, to not go, to not try. It's almost like it's your default.

Yeah, that's what we do. And we do it all the time. We rationalize a way into avoidance. You know, I'm not going to ask for this raise because, you know, I just haven't worked hard enough or I am not going on this date because, you know, I'm afraid of dating. No, no, no, no. And it's everywhere, right? It's robbing us from our lives and no one's talking about avoidance. I'm so glad that you No, no, no, no. And it's everywhere, right? It's robbing us from our

life. And no one's talking about avoidance. I'm so glad that you caught on to that, Mel, because that's right. It's what we do. And if what we do is walk away from the things that are meaningful, if what we do is avoidance, then we are rubbing ourselves from our best lives. Holy cow. You're absolutely right. There's somebody really close to us and our family who has had this massive uptick of anxiety happen. It has been so debilitating that this person has actually taken an entire week off of work. And I've been thinking, that's actually the opposite of what you should do, because if you are scared that you're going to have a panic attack at work,

so you don't go to work, you're making the anxiety bigger than you. Avoiding that thing makes the fear bigger. That's exactly right. This is a great example of this person because the instinct and biological age right is to go away. So can you walk us through this work example? So you start to worry about having a panic attack. I've worked with a lot of people that have panic attacks. And so you have this horrible panic attack. And then your brain basically

now is saying, well, work can lead to panic attacks. So I'm going to stay home. That makes sense, though. If I had a panic attack at work, I would want to stay home from work, too. But what you're doing is you're actually training your brain to be scared of work because now you linking work with a panic attack and let's be honest, there was no link there. Oh, that's a good point. I see what you're saying. When I have a panic attack at work, I make this mistake where I link the panic attack with the physical location of where I had it. Rather than telling myself that the panic attack is the result of some internal emotional issue that I need to address, it has nothing to do with work. It's a deeper thing, right? Genic attacks can come out of the blue. But then if you take a whole week out of work,

then what are you doing? You can't avoid for long, right? You're gonna come out with a baseline and you decide it's so high, then now you're almost guaranteeing that you're gonna have a panic attack at work because you've been so afraid of it, right? You're inducing that fight flight of freeze.

So what do you do? Do you just tell the person to get over it and get back to work? The opposite of avoidance is approach. Now, just do it. The way Nike tells us to do, right? Doesn't work with Inc. Society. You can't tell somebody that's having panic attacks. Just go work, right? But can you drive towards work for a week? Okay, I'm with you. Yep. Okay. I've been in this boat too. I've actually had anxiety so bad that it built and built and built and built up inside me when I was a second year law student that I convinced myself that there was no way that I could get on a plane and go to Albuquerque, New Mexico where I had landed a summer job and be able to live and work on my own.

And I talk about avoidance. I called that law firm and told them that I had had a family emergency. And I had to not come. This was two days before I was supposed to get on the plane. And so I have done this over and over and over and over again in my life. You're right, you do link up. If I just don't do it, then I'm going to be okay. But you actually make it worse.

I wish I knew you then because see, there's two pieces of avoidance that we were talking about. The first one is the perception of threat. Right? You've flown many times before in your life, but now your brain convinced you that that flight was a threat, a perceived threat. It's not a real danger, it's a perception. Right. So that's the first piece. It's the perception of the threat. And when I think about it, I viewed the plane flight as a threat. Because if I was getting on that plane, it meant I was going somewhere

that I was afraid to go for the summer. So the avoidance did kick in the closer I got to having to get on that flight. And so then, the long-term cost of avoidance is the prices that you pay. Think about this. You did not goal in a summer internship that I bet you worked really hard, Mel, to get.

Yeah. I imagine there was like a big take-in. And your brain, just in that moment, did not goal in a summer internship that I bet you worked really hard, Mel, to get. Yeah. I imagine there was like a big take-ah and your brain, just in that moment, said, not going to do it. And then we have to find a way out so you create it in emergency. And that's avoidant. You've retreated. Like you avoided by retreating from something that was so meaningful.

Yeah. Yeah. I've done that over and over and over again. I think that's why I feel so sad for this person in our life who is doing this right now, because I'm thinking to myself, this is going to create the opposite impact. So you said that your grandmother forcing you to go to the mall and sit with that person change the trajectory of your life. 100%.

So there's two things she did for me actually. Let me just add the second one. So one was push me to approach instead of avoid. The second one was at 16, she gave me the alchemist by Paul Laquille. Oh yeah. I'm sure you read the alchemist, right? And she did it because the narrative of my brain was, you know, Grandpa, single mother,

and my mom fighting so hard to get us somewhere. And I should tell everybody, listen to us, my grandmother was not really my grandmother. She was the mother of my stepfather who started to date my mom. And they came from a different socioeconomic status. She had a different view of the world. So she gave the alchemist, because one,

they were sitting with her for coffee, and I said, you know, I really don't know what's gonna be on my life, you know, I want to eventually pursue a medical degree, or I want to do this, but my mom is never gonna be able to pay for college. And the alchemist shifted my perspective. Well, there's a sentence in the book that says, whenever you want something, the whole universe conspires in having it.

And my grandmother basically said to me, listen, you are responsible for the narrative in your brain. You can you can believe what your brain is telling you or you can change the narrative in your brain. And she forced me to push it. What would you want? I said, well, eventually I want to become an exchange student eventually. I want to get to the US.

And she's like, you're responsible for creating that. And somehow, those conversations, my grandmother would sit with me every day and have coffee and have those conversations, I started to believe that just maybe I could do that. Maybe I could, by approaching and changing the topic, That makes so much sense. So your grandmother gave you this incredible gift where she forced you to face something, to approach it, right? The sphere of people. I'd love for you to share how that experience helped you continue to confront avoidance all the way to a professorship at Harvard. How about we do that when we come back from a short break?

Stay with Dr. Lwana Marquez. And she was just about to tell us how confronting the habit of avoidance changed the trajectory of her life and led her to a professorship at Harvard and the clinical staff at Mass General Hospital. So, my grandmother in helping me to approach instead of avoidance shifts my perspective. First thing she did is helped me change my narrative. But the interesting thing about avoidance is it continues to show up in your life. And so when I applied for college in the US, I remember writing the essays.

And my English still wasn't very good. And my brain kept saying, you know what, a little girl from Brazil can't apply. Like it's not, you're not good enough. I held on to the applications so much, Mel, because of those beliefs, that my step that had to one point be like, we need to mail it. You're not going to get any if you don't submit your applications. And I was like, oh, yeah, there's that thing called submitting. And so I submitted them. And then I got accepted at SUNY Buffalo. And so I

ended up at SUNY Buffalo. And when I was applying to the doctor program, so I got to actually, before, as an undergraduate, this was, you know, I really, I never thought I was going to be a psychologist. I thought I was going to be a medical doctor in Brazil, either medical doctor or lawyer. That's how you pay the bills. Came to the US and started to take biochemistry and pre-med courses and then the psychology course for the fun of it. And I loved the psychology courses, loved it. But my brain saying, you need to be a medical doctor, you need to be a medical doctor. So I went home to Brazil.

My grandmother's not my story, so I'm sorry, but that's the reality. And I said to my grandmother, I said, you know, I was thinking about being a psychologist, but I don't know, and she's like, it's simple. You take psychology classes, you take biology classes, which one is easier in your brain? That's what you do for living.

Why do you have to have a hard life and do things against your brain? And I looked there and I said, well, I get a scene biochemistry, I get an A plus in psychology, she says, go be a psychologist. And I was like, that's a push. She was like, yeah, like, why do people fight so much to be what they can be? That comes easy to their brain. Why do we? Because I think we avoid. We avoid our reality. Like facing reality does not mean we like it. And I had to face the reality that day. And I remember going for a walk with my dad and my stepdad and saying to him,

like, I know you're helping with college and all of that. And, but I don't want to be a medical doctor anymore. I was shaking him out, like shaking of anxiety. You know, and he looked at me and he said, you know what, you're gonna be poor if you're a psychologist, you can't be a psychologist. You really like, and I was terrified that he's gonna pull the plug and not help with college anymore.

And I looked at him and I said, you know what, I'm good at this. Like, I wanna do this. And I almost avoided. Like, I still talk biochemistry or I think it was organic chemistry for another semester. And so I finally cleaned clean again with him. I was like, I can't.

Like, this is not me. So then I got to graduate school and I wanted to apply to Harvard, as I told you before. And and people said to me, you state students don't get it. And I was so terrified, cried, cried a lot. And then I applied. And I remember that they are walking for the interviewer, Mass General. I was listening to the Niela Mercury, it's a Brazilian singer to pump me up.

And my entire body wanted to run the opposite way. It's like, I wanted to avoid, but I showed up and I applied and got in. And I'll share one more example of sort of lending. However, in about 2017, I wanted to be the president of the anxiety and the pressure and association of America, I was in the board, the youngest to be the president of the anxiety and the press and association of America. I was in the board, the youngest person in the board. An organization that tends to be majority white. I was the only Latina person in the board. I don't want to press a collar on the board.

And the opportunities run for president came up. And I just had my son. He was like three months old. I was home. And I went for dinner with a colleague, a senior colleague the night before the election, and she heard that I was running. And this woman literally said to me at dinner, she says, you're too young, you shouldn't do this, you shouldn't run for this. It's amazing to me how women do this, you have to women by the way, they're like,

and I got home crying to my husband and said to him, David, you know what, I'm not gonna apply. Like I made them too young, and maybe I'm not to give good mother. And maybe I'm not going to have enough energy to be the present. And so I wrote an entire email to the board to pull my application, explaining not what this woman told me, not the truth. By the way, I was going to do a year of example off the law school. I literally was going to the year because I was going to with what and I sat there and then my husband like held my hand and he looked and he says since I've met you you've wanted this. He's like,

do you really want to stop what you want based on what this woman's telling you? Like he called me out on my avoidance and I deleted the email and I was so anxious for that interview the next day for the election. But I won. I won. Can you believe it? I became the first Latino president of the Exiting the Prussian Association of America. And it could have been taken for me if I listened to what this woman said to me. By yourself. By myself.

And that's it. We are the worst problem. We are the ones avoiding. I can't blame her. She can, I mean, people say all sorts of things for us, but do we have to believe it? Yeah, like if somebody said to you, why don't you just leave your son on the side of the road?

You'd be like, are you fucking crazy? Yes! But we listen and indulge other people's opinions about things that really matter to us. And then we avoid it. And then we avoid it. And what I keep getting, and I hope that you're getting as you're listening, is that your whole life is one giant gift waiting for you to unwrap it.

And there are ways in which you sit there and stare at it and you actively avoid reaching out to shred the paper or pull on that ribbon. And it begins with the stories that you're telling yourself. So when I tell my story people like, oh, it's so incredible, it's so bold. No, I was scared shitless. A lot of the times. Bottom line. And I wanted to avoid when I was as SUNY Buffalo.

My mentor was really tough on me, actually. And I wanted to apply to Harvard internship at Mass General Hospital in Boston. And when she says state students don't get in. And I remember sitting in my office crying as I write this application letter thinking, maybe I should just apply somewhere else. Maybe I'm not good enough.

There's the narrative in your head again. A hundred percent. And I remember that time is like, you know what, if I don't apply, that's I remember my grandmother, if you don't try, you don't know. And so I applied. I shared this in the spirit of like, we can't get rid of anxiety. I know everybody wants to, but we can. What we can get rid of is avoidance. That we can get rid of. Can we unpack avoidance? Because it's not just an anxiety response. Like I'm thinking about the number of conversations the people avoid, the number of situations, the people avoid, the number of experiences that people want to do. I can think about one for myself where my daughter, Sawyer, and Chris have both gone skydiving. And our son turned 18 and he wants to go skydiving.

And I feel this pull of wanting to do it, but I am scared, shitless of doing it. And I can feel the avoidance of my body. It's not anxiety. It is like a wall. But I feel like this avoidance topic. Can we blow it open so that anybody listening is like, well, I don't have anxiety. But you're avoiding something. Oh, yeah. So talk to us about what avoidance looks like, what are surprising symptoms or ways that people avoid things? I'm definitely going to talk about avoidance and that's like I'm a before. I wanted to commit to go skydiving with me.

Come on, Mel. We should do it. Yeah, we can do it. All right, you're invited to Oakley's 18th birthday skydiving party. I'm going. Okay. I'm gonna go, because I don't want to miss out on life.

So the only reason I went there is this. So I learned I had a few heights, hiking your semi-day national park. I had no idea. My whole life I just said I'd been like roller coasters. I wasn't avoiding roller coasters. I just didn't like roller coasters. Who needs to go on roller coasters anyhow?

But I was hiking. I get to the end of your semi-day national park and you have to hold to these cables, right? And I just started to cry. The whole height phobia just came in. And my professional career is getting people to approach, not avoid. And I was like, okay, I can't do this.

And so I started my own hierarchy and I started by doing chairs and then stairs and then going to the roof of my house. And then I got to the top of it, which was skydiving. My house so terrified. And I avoided for a while. Eventually my friends is like, you know what to do. So she took me, it's Kai diving.

And I went three times in a row in the same day. That's the only way to overcome that fear of heights is that you have to train your brain to just do it over and over again. And now I love skydiving. It's like so fun. Really? I am not joking.

So could you go back to your semity now and be with those cables? 100%. Because what I always used to say is, I'm not afraid of heights. I have this feeling that I'm falling. Yeah, but that's just biology now. That's just about,

and it's the same biology behind avoidance. So you ask me about avoidance. So avoidance is anything that we do. Yeah, don't do. Okay. In response to a perceived threat, that is designed. So there's a perceived threat. That's designed to bring our anxiety,

discomfort, you name it down fast. Okay. But it keeps us stuck long term. Huh. So let me unpack this for us. Please. I call it a three hours of avoidance. If we retreat, react or

remain. Okay, so if we retreat, what do I mean by that? It's what you're doing about skydiving. You have the thought and you're like, I'm just going to move away. Retreating, just moving away from this comfort. That's that flavor of avoidance. People retreat when they get an email that they don't like, they don't read that email. My husband does all the time, he puts an email on the screen, oh, the screen is like, I'm just not going to look at that. We retreat by now, having conversations with people in our head, we are thinking, we are ruminating, right? We're moving away from this comfort.

For some of us, avoidance is reacting. That's how I avoid. Whenever something threatens me, perception of threat, an email about somebody there, I don't like or conflict. I feel so anxious. So I write an email really fast. I can't believe you said that, that's what I'm gonna write,

that's the end. And then I'm stuck on email jail because now I just reacted without thinking. And that's avoidance. Whenever I feel threat, the way he reacts with anger. Oh, yes. I yell at my dog when he's barking too much.

That's it. Because your dog barking is creating some discomfort in your body. That discomfort in your body, basically, you have to attack the discomfort so you feel better. Responding to email, anger, gravity and drink too fast. Have a bad day and just going to, oh, so our is having a smoke, a vape, hitting a joint, pouring a drink, that is reacting.

Yes, come here. Let me do the third one and then we can unpack our course examples, but the third one is remain. This is the deer in the headlight. It is staying in a situation when you know no longer works. You're in a job you dislike, but the fear of another job

just makes you so paralyzed, they stay. Stay in a relationship that you don't like, right? It's frozen. So the remain of avoidance, you're frozen in place. You know it's not working, right? But you're not going towards this comfort or moving away, you're just literally frozen.

For anybody that feels like, well, I don't have anxiety. What you do have are moments every single day where your emotions get triggered and you're uncomfortable. That's it. And what I'm gathering from this conversation is that your work is really about creating a baseline of emotional peace. That's 100%. So what I want to create is a comfortably uncomfortable world.

A world that you're just enough out of your comfort zone towards the things that matter the most, and that you're fighting the real enemy here, which is avoidance. We just turn on the TV and now we go on social media. And those little moments. It's like, that's what I love your five-second rule because that's sort of the same idea. It's like in five seconds you can choose to go towards a life that matters or you can choose avoidance. And it's a choice. You're right it is. There is a big lie that we're telling ourselves. lie that we're telling ourselves. I believe if you're really honest with yourself, you'll see that avoiding the hard stuff, avoiding the things that you fear, avoiding taking

a risk, that's actually more uncomfortable because you know that you're selling yourself short. I would think that sitting alone in your apartment with no friends as a teenager was way more uncomfortable than sitting with that dude the first time with your grandmother. 100%. I love that you said it's a lie. It is a lie because the discomfort that we feel facing things is so much less than this monster that we create in our head of what they would be like. I bet when we go skydiving, you come off of that plane, you're like, you know, I landed and I was like, this is the best orgasm I ever.

Like, this is better than anything else. Really? It is true because it's so liberating to overcome a fear. True. Once you're out of that plane, you feel some fear jumping out, but then out of the line, your whole system cuts down and you're like, oh my God, I'm leaving my best life. And that's what I wish for everyone, that they find their little corners of avoidance, overcome it to they can show up.

Like, are you being your best self and if you're not, it's because you're avoiding. Dr. Lwana, it begs the question, why the hell do we do this? Yes. Let's have you answer that question. And I also have a great question submitted by a listener for you. And we'll answer both after a short break. And everyone, stick around to the very end,

because we've launched bloopers at the end of every episode. And trust me when I tell you, you do not want to avoid the chance to laugh with me. And all the mistakes that I make as I record these podcast episodes for you. Stay with us. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins. I'm so glad you're here because we're getting a masterclass on the habit of avoidance from Harvard professor and best-selling author Dr. Luana Marquez. So, Dr. we know we avoid things that were nervous to do, but why?

Why do we avoid even the simple stuff like replying to an email from somebody we actually know? It would be biologically wired to avoid. So the brain cannot biologically wired to avoid. So the brain cannot differentiate real threat from perceived threat. Our brain is wired to the one to predict and protect. That's what our brain is doing. It's protecting us for the injury and it's predicting and it's predicted based on past information. So your family member who is having some trouble with avoidance and work, the brain is using the perception of work as something really bad, like it's a lion. So it's predicting. It's predicting.

And then it's making a call on how to protect you based on its prediction. That's that. And that call is avoidance, right? So instead of going on fight flight of freeze because there is actually a lion, that's why I coined the three hours of avoidance. Because it's the same biology of fight, fight, or freeze, but it's a perceived threat. Wow.

This is really sinking in. And now that I understand how prevalent this habit of avoidance is, I see it everywhere. For example, when Chris and I were in a financial free fall, I would avoid opening bills because I didn't have the money to pay them. I can also think about situations right now in my life. For example, I know I have to go through the clothes of my closet because half the stuff in there doesn't fit because of the way my body's changed with menopause. I don't do it.

I haven't done it. I just closed the door to the closet and I don't deal with it. I used to explode at my kids with frustration. And the reason why I would do that about stupid things is because I was avoiding the bigger conversation that was really upsetting me with the family because I just didn't want to sit down and deal with the conversation. I can also, my god, I avoided a mammogram after I got my ex-plant surgery because I was afraid they'd find something, which seems so stupid because if you're afraid they're gonna find something,

then you should go get the test, right? Or what about this one? I didn't get on the peloton bike for over six months because I was so out of shape, I avoided how painful that first workout was gonna be and the realization of how out of shape I've gotten. This is everywhere. You know, I was also frustrated come to mind

with Chris and depression, but I avoided the conversation because, you know, I just didn't wanna have to deal with it, you know? And I know that sounds lame, but I think that's relatable. This reminds me a lot of this episode that we did on procrastination and how procrastinating when it becomes chronic is a freeze response. And it can be tied to trauma because you're uncertain about how things are going to turn out.

I mean, this is absolutely everywhere, Dr. Luana. So now that we all see it, can you talk to us about cognitive behavioral therapy because that's what you use in your clinical practice? What is it? And how can it help us break this habit and pattern of avoidance? Cognitive behavior therapy or CBT is a widely studied kind of therapy that's extinereant and it's really designed

to change what we say to ourselves, how we behave and how we feel. How does cognitive behavioral therapy work? Because you can't just change what you say and boom, suddenly your life changes. Can you break this down for us, we really get it? I mean, because for any one of you listening, who sees that you're avoiding something in your life right now,

what is the first step of CBT? Such a great question, man, because the first thing we need to create a pause. And in that pause, we need to do a couple of things. First, we need to understand what was the situation that triggered any kind of thought emotions and behaviors. I actually call this the thought emotions and behavior cycle. Can we take the example of waking up and not wanting to get out of bed?

Yes, absolutely. I woke up. My brain starts to spin and basically said, what if Mel Robbins doesn't like me? It was the first time I had this morning I have to just be honest with everybody in the city. No, I mean, the inches brain never quiet down, right? And so that thought, what if she doesn't like me led to an emotion, which for me was a little anxiety and heart pounding. My heart pounds pretty, pretty strongly. Then my behavior was the third component was what into just staying bad. I was like, maybe I just want to stay in bed.

Well, that's what I call Tuesday morning. It's totally relatable, right? You wake up, you're worried about something and that triggers you to feel overwhelmed and that triggers the behavior of avoidance, which for me was hitting the snooze button, which I did every single morning for years. But does this thought emotion behavior cycle

that you're describing? Does it always have to begin with a thought? Well, it depends on the entryway. For me, it was a thought. Right? She's not going to like me. It ain't just, and then I wanted to behavior a certain way. But they ping pong.

Like, right? If I laid in bed a little longer, I bet we'll have gone this way. Thank you for using the term ping pong. Because for me, it usually begins with an emotion or a feeling of heaviness in my body when I wake up. And then that ping-pong's the thoughts and those thoughts spiral and the thoughts then make it worse, hence hitting the snooze button and not wanting to get out of bed. And for you listening, I want you to stop and think right now. What is it like for you? If you think about those mornings

where you want to just pull the covers over your head or you want to hit this news button, are you more like Dr. Luana, where you recognize that it's thoughts that start this ping ponging or are you more like me, where it's this feeling or emotion in your body that then triggers the spiral. Dr. Lwana, let's go back to this story of you being in bed and invite us into bed with you this morning. And can you walk us through your thoughts, viral in detail? Yeah, maybe I didn't bring the right outfit. The outfit makes a difference. She's so powerful.

She's really not going to like me. What if I say the wrong thing? And those thoughts go really fast. Think Zaire would shoot up and then the cover would come over. And then by the time I got out of bed, my baseline anxiety was so high that I'd be having trouble thinking. That trouble thinking would be interpret as, oh, see, you do have a problem with anxiety. And now the avalanche. And so it's a pain pong. And it's so fast. And that's why that pause is so important. So what do you tell your patients to do when they catch themselves in this ping pong deathmatch with their anxious thoughts? Whenever the anxiety happens, this is a trick that I can share with everybody that you can use it. You can do it right now. How do you pause this

the question, right? Take a piece of paper and literally write down your thoughts, link them through your emotions, link them to specific behavior. What do you want to do? Okay, so did you get that everyone? When the thoughts start to spiral in you or someone that you love and you feel that anxiety, avalanche that Dr. Luana just described coming on, number one, you need to create a pause. And here's one way you can do it. Take out a piece of paper and write the thought, write the emotion that you feel,

and write the behavior that it's triggering. And in Dr. Luana's example, the thought is, Mel's not gonna like me, and then that made her feel nervous, and then that feeling makes her wanna pull the covers over her head. Why does this technique work, Dr. Lwana? This is why what we know scientifically is the writing activated prefrontal cortex. The prefrontal cortex, the part that helps us organize execute, right?

It's the center of the brain. That's the critical part of the brain. It is always competing for energy with our mid-la, the fight fight of freeze part of the brain. So when one is on, the other one tends to quiet down. So if you're in your anxious brain, get out of there by writing your thoughts, emotions, and behavior cycle. Just that little trickle on, I've seen hundreds of patients stop their anxiety cycle in that avalanche by creating that pause.

Oh my gosh. That makes so much sense. You know what? This also explains why my 5-second rule is so effective with anxiety spirals, Dr. Nguana, because when you count backwards, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, what you do is you interrupt that death match in your mind and the 5, 4, it creates a pause. And it's in that pause that you can then choose what you think or do next. And I want to make sure that every one of you listening really gets what Dr. Luana is talking about. And so, Dr. Luana, I'd like to do a second example. Let's walk through the example that we talked about earlier

of being afraid to go into work, okay? Okay. So the situation is that maybe you're afraid you're gonna have another anxiety attack or maybe that's some big sales meeting and you're afraid that you're gonna screw it up. And so you start to have this feeling where you're worried and nervous.

And then you start to tell yourself, I don't think I can do this. I don't want to go in. And you're now in this avalanche of avoidance that we've been talking about. So what do you do? In fact, why don't we do this? Let's role play this scenario. I'll be the person who's nervous about going into work. And you can be my therapist, okay?

So a couple of things. A lot of our anxieties fed through what we were saying to ourselves, right? We started to have heart pounding. We've been talking about heart pounding. If I came home from the jogging, my heart was pounding, I'd be like, okay, but if I'm sitting here getting ready to work in my heart pound, you bring one to me, sense of it. So then it starts to create a narrative about their heart pound. But it's just a heart pound. That's all it is. So we pause. The first one I would write down the specific thoughts, right? Okay. Okay. I'm going to mess up the sales meeting. I'm going to I'm going to eff it up. That's what I'm going to do. Okay. Once we pause, then we want to be able to ask questions of our thoughts, right? Let's interrogate. Let's

become lawyers together. Okay. What is the evidence that you have right now that you're going to mess it up? I've messed it up before. Okay. How many times have you messed it up now? Twice. Twice. How many presentations have you given to this team? 100? 100. Okay. So based on that, what's the probability that you're going to mess it up? 2%. 2% okay, so maybe you are going to mess it up. There's 2% chance. If you mess it up, what is the worst that will happen? I'll be embarrassed. Have you been embarrassed before?

Yes. Have you been able to tolerate being embarrassed? Yeah, it sort of sucks. Yeah, it sucks. It sucks. So the worst case scenario is you're going to be embarrassed. There's 2% chance. What if they fire me? When was the worst case scenario is you're going to be embarrassed. There's 2% chance. What if they fired me?

When was the last time they fired you? They haven't fired me. I'm just unemployed. Oh, really? It's amazing. So maybe they'll fire you, but sounds like the probability is small as well. Yes. No, has anybody in this company ever been fired on the spot?

Like, you messed up, you embarrassed the fired. Well, they've laid people off, but I don't think not that I know of. Like, you messed up, you embarrassed the fire. Well, they've laid people off, but I don't think not that I know of. It sounds to me like your brain's basically saying, I'm gonna be embarrassed, and then you're gonna fire me in the spot, and I'm gonna be humiliated, and I'm gonna be in the corner all along.

Yes, which makes me want to avoid it. Of course it does, I would too. I mean, it feels awful to do that, but what is the probability really mild? All those events are gonna happen in that sequence? Very, very small. So what can you say to yourself based on your performance in the past that

might change the narrative in your brain right now? Whew. This is harder to do than it sounds, because even though this is just you and me role playing, I can see that you're trying to get me to look at the situation objectively and to use my intellect. But when you're super emotional or nervous, it's really hard to reason with someone when they're like that. So yeah, I can say that objectively speaking, I've been nervous before and I've shown up

and I've done a presentation. And when you say that to yourself, how does it feel? Like I don't believe it. Yeah, absolutely. Because that anxiety has that grip on you. And when we just start to change our perspective, shift our thinking, we don't believe right away because there's so much history of the anxiety-driven thoughts.

So I don't need you to believe it. What I need you to do is be able to say that to yourself over and over again, and I need you to show up, man. I need you to approach. You know what I love about this? I love that you said, I don't have to believe it. You don't have, because it's impossible to. Your brain is anxious, and everybody thinks CBT,

we're trying to just force people to have positive thoughts. That does not work. Let me say that again, positive thoughts alone does not work. We have to reframe. We have to rewire our brain, and it takes time to rewire brain. It can be like overnight, but it's the first step towards a better life, right? I mean, if we talk to our best friends,

the way we talk to ourselves, let me clear, we'd have no friends. That's so true. That is so true. Is approach always the answer when it comes to things that you're avoiding? So your family member doesn't want to go to work. Approach to me has been always the answer

because if I stop and thank my brain can be really an asshole sometimes. Your brain isn't the only brain that could be a real asshole, Dr. Luana. Right everybody? Is your brain an asshole sometimes? I know. Same. Dr. Luana, when we prepared for this episode with you, I gathered a bunch of questions

from listeners. And a lot of our listeners asked very similar questions. And this one from Charmaine really covers a lot of the topics that people asked about. So let's roll this question from Charmaine. I want more peace, more love, more compassion, more passion, more connection, more joy, less struggle, less stuff, less complications, less stress, less anxiety. And I don't just want it for myself, but for every woman, this shit is real. I see it in my girlfriends too, in this human experience.

My question is why? Why does this feel like a struggle? Thank you, Malfour, being brave enough to do this work. I love you. I love her main question. Termine, this is the deal. This question is what I call the magical ones. Everyone magically wants more happiness,

a better life, less stress. We all want it. So why? Why do we stuck? It's because we avoid insurmounting. What are the things in your life right now that you're not taking control? Because this struggle is there because you're not taking action. We know scientifically, Mel, that if we act in line with our values, we actually

have less stress, less anxiety, we have better quality of life. And so, Charmaine, I'm asking you, what are the actions you can take towards those things that matter the most that would stop the avoidance? But little approach towards the things that matter the most can start to really change our lives. And that's how we get more happiness.

That's how we feel better. I'm curious, if somebody's struggling, is that a sign that avoidance is everywhere? Yes, and this is why I've never met anyone in my life professionally and personally. That avoidance is not behind their struggle. Right, I've never met. Like in my moments that I myself am having

the most hardest time, it's because I'm avoid. What are the top things that your patients come in and are struggling with and how does that connect with avoidance? So Mary came in because she was in a job that she hated. Yep. She put on 100 pounds in that job, 100 pounds, but Cap doing it because her brain said, well, at least I have an income. Yes. And she was facing that. She was just waiting for the reality that she hated that job. You know, I'm a CEO of Fortune 500, Compinary Worktwares, avoided dating. His superpower in his job, and if you met him, the student, you're like, this guy can get anybody that he wants,

he was terrified of dating and women. Now he's 45, super successful, no relationships, no meaningful relationships. Joanna, avoid asking for a race. She's single mother, three kids, that race, she's in the same job for 10 years. People getting promotions, she's not getting those promotions. And she just was so terrified that she wasn't good enough, she

hadn't done enough. She couldn't ask for a race. She told me, you know, if I was really good, they would have given me a race. I was like, well, that's not how it works. I don't think it works that way. Sometimes it does, sometimes, but it's in the corporate world, sometimes it doesn't. Those are great examples. And so as they're therapist and practicing CBT therapy, are you then coaching them through the approach method? So the first thing we really do is we identify their avoidance. I just had a patient make a list of everything she's avoiding.

And she's like, I don't need to make a list. I'm like, I'd like to see that list because we had lied to ourselves. So the first thing I do with every patient is let's identify all the domains in your life where you're avoiding. We need to figure out what you can tolerate that is comfortably uncomfortable. So for example, if what you want to do is leave the room immediately, can you stay for an extra one minute? Can you stay in the room and just observe the room for 30 seconds if a minute's too much? If you walk out of the room, can you commit walking back to the room

and stay in for a minute, walking out of the room again? Walk back in the room, small doses, because see, we know approach, we rewire in the brain, it's teaching the brain that there is no lion in that room. And I would need to start increasing them, a minute, three minutes, five minutes, put a timer in your watch. And one thing we didn't talk about my old that I do want to add is there are moments in life that you need to avoid, like in the case of the Mastic Violence, like my mom dealt with, right? Poking the bearer and trying to approach sometimes it doesn't work. You have to be

safe and get you a place where you then can figure out how to approach your life. How do you know the difference? Like you said this thing about, I just don't like heights. How do you know the difference if you're actually avoiding something that you need to approach and face in your life versus you just don't like it or it's an issue of safety? So the first one is rubbing you front your best life.

So there's a price tag. That's how I think about this. There was a price tag with avoidance and it's keeping you stuck. Right? And sometimes the patient of mine was a different patient. It was in a job that she really disliked. So she called me and just says, Hey, Luana, I just want to check if I'm avoiding or not. And we had a conversation about this job.

It wasn't going well. It was clear she's going to have changed jobs. I said, but why are you staying? And she says to me, I'm staying because if I stay six more months, And we had a conversation about this job. It wasn't going well. It was clear she's going to have changed jobs. I said, but why are you staying? And she says to me, I'm staying because if I stay six more months, I have this big bonus. I would just tolerate for six months. And then once I get the bonus, I would just find another job.

I said, that's strategy. That's not avoidance. That's strategy. That's fantastic. Yes. But she was so trained to think about avoidance. She's like, am I avoiding by sting? No, that's strategy.

Sometimes they have to have a strategy life. Well, it seems like avoidance is very reflexive. Versus a strategy which you can calmly with emotional peace, rationala, explain to somebody. That is exactly it. And everybody, if you have truth to yourself, and you pause and you really look at what's in front of you, you're going to be able to smell avoidance pretty quickly.

Wow. How do you begin this process? The first step is really pausing. Give yourself five minutes. Sit down and think about the things that you want to do. So let's think about the dream life. What are the things you want to do and ask yourself, why are you not doing it? What are the things they're getting in the way

and you're gonna pretty quickly identify your wounds? I'm not doing this because I'm afraid of heights. I'm not doing this because if I ask for a raise, they're gonna find out that I'm not good enough. I'm not going on this date because I don't think I'm pretty enough. That's the first step to changing. Wow.

What about parents or loved ones that have somebody that struggles with anxiety and a lot of avoidance? I made this mistake when our kids, Kendall and Oak in particular had pretty significant episodes of anxiety. There was a six month period where each one of them slept on the floor of our bedroom.

They'd wander down in the middle of the night. I wouldn't want to have to get out of bed and walk them back up and deal with the pushback and deal with the emotions. And then it morphed into me just making a little bed on the ground on my side of the bed. And the funny thing is, is they were smart enough to know, even when they were sleepwalking, that they don't go to Chris' side of the bed because he would get up. They just come to mind. And I could almost, in the middle of my sleep, sense that they were there and I would just lift up the middle of the night.

And it lasted for six months. I made it worse. Yeah. And you're not alone, Mel. I've heard this from so many others before because you're exhausted already, right? And you make sure for you and the kid, because we're teaching the opposite,

we want to teach the kid, right? What would you counsel a patient to do if they were in that cycle where a child's coming down, wanting to climb into bed, what do you do? You have that conversation that says, you're bad and that's where you sleep. And you cannot have any sleep ups.

The first day, they let them sleep there, even for 10 seconds, you're basically telling them that they can push them boundaries. And so in situations like this, it has to be zero tolerance. Nope, you don't come here. No, you don't come here. You're right. And pretty quickly, the truth is if you do that, you've distinguished the behavior. It's true because they're uncomfortable being alone in their bed.

And so you're teaching them to tolerate that discomfort. That is, and that's a skill they need to learn for the rest of their life. It's called the motion regulation psychology, and you're teaching them basic emotion regulation by teaching them that it's okay to have that discomfort and that they're safe in their bed, and over time, it goes away. And that's what we need to teach ourselves. That's exactly what we want. Because all this avoidance is simply us not being able to tolerate as adults, our own uncomfortable emotions. That is all that is.

We get uncomfortable when we run. Like we're a kid, we go running to a parent's room and now we're stuck in a cycle. Yeah, but instead of running to mom and dad's room, we're running to the vodka bottle or we're avoiding the email or we're holding on to the application

and we're just building more pain, more fear and more discomfort. This is so fascinating. And what I love is that you're on a mission to teach this to people so that they can truly unlock all the incredible things that are available to all of us in life. Within each one of us, there was a head and amazing jewel.

And if we take a voice away, we can all be shining within our own domains of us. There was a head and amazing jewel. And if we take a voice away, we can all be shining within our own domains of life. We all have a gift. Every single person has that gift inside of them. Right now, I want a world where people are bold in their own way, that they are coaching the things that matter the most. And can you imagine that world, like it just would be so much better? I'm so glad you didn't become a medical doctor, but you went into psychology and that you do what you do. You are a gift. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being with us. You are gonna come back again and again and again.

And you know what, based on the number of mess ups I've had, well, I've docked into you, Dr. Lawanna, I think the bluepers from this episode are gonna be amazing. So thank you. Thank you, Mal, this has been so delightful. You are amazing for everybody listening to just the kind of person, like just the kind of person. So thank you.

Thank you, Dr. Lovana, Marquez. We love you and I'm so happy you're here with us today. In case no one else tells you today, I wanted to say, I love you, and I'm so happy you're here with us today. In case no one else tells you today, I wanted to say, I love you, and I believe in you. So stop avoiding all the shit you need to do, and 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, go do it. All right, I'll see you in a few days. Is this thing on, Jesse? It's on. Okay. Author, doctor, doctor, Luana, Mark.

Oh my god. Okay. Let's try that again. You probably wouldn't be where you are today. Are you shitting me? I got that dry mouth thing going. So doctor, Luana, are you kidding me? Hold on a second.

I'll hold on a second one more time. Let me take a sip of water. Oh, okay, excuse me. Here we go. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyer's right and what I need to read to you.

This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC