The Mel Robbins Podcast - How Do I Learn to Love Myself, Really?

Episode Date: November 28, 2022

Whatever you're doing right now, stop and make time for this conversation. Every single day, I get questions from listeners about self-love, self-hatred, and what it actually means to like yourself.��I understand why it’s confusing.  The topic of self-love is so broad, and there is very little actionable advice on how exactly you learn to like yourself, especially if you’ve spent your whole life being hard on yourself. So don’t worry, I’ve decided to attack this topic of self-love in a completely unique, surprising, and tactical manner. This is also one of the most personal episodes I’ve released because I’m inviting you to join a conversation I’m having with our 17-year-old son, Oakley. This is not a “podcast interview.” This is an intimate conversation between a mother and a son about the most important topic you could discuss: self-love.  When Oakley was in middle school, he hated himself, and as his mom, it was awful to see him so lonely and sad. In today’s conversation, he shares things with me about this time in his life that I never knew. And more importantly, we unpack the moment he had an epiphany that changed everything. You will absolutely relate to everything he shares and his reflections about it. I’m so proud to share this conversation with you. You will be blown away because you’ll not only feel like you’re part of our family, but we’re also welcoming you into our hearts. You will laugh out loud, even though your heart might break a little. And by the end of it, you’ll have not only wisdom, but also a couple of simple tools to help you learn how to like yourself a little more. This conversation is a must-listen for EVERYONE in your life. And especially for young adults because when they hear these insights from someone their age, it’s way more compelling than getting advice from an adult. I do want to be up front about one thing: Oakley is 17 and like most 17-year-olds, whether they do it in front of you or not, he has a case of the F’s, meaning he drops the F-word a fair number of times, and I made a decision to record it as is and allow him to speak freely. And, I just can’t emphasize enough how much insight this is going to give you into your own relationship with yourself. I hope you will make the time to spend a half hour with the two of us, because I know you will leave feeling seen, understood, and liking yourself a little better. I cannot wait to hear what you learn. Xo Mel  For complete show notes, go to melrobbins.com

Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to an absolutely freaking amazing episode of the Mel Robbins Podcast. Woo! I got to take a deep breath because I have some serious goosebumps about what's going to go down today with you and me. You're about to hear a conversation that I just had with our 17-year-old son, Oakley. Here's what we're talking about. We're talking about self-hatred and self-acceptance and learning how to be kinder to yourself and

self-love. And you're going to hear that our son used to struggle deeply with hating himself. This was happening during elementary school, during middle school, and it was absolutely terrifying for Chris and I to watch one of our kids struggle so profoundly. He was always picked on, he didn't have a lot of friends, he spent a lot of time alone, he always felt like the odd guy out. And we tried absolutely everything to reach this kid, to help him. And so, Oken, I had this long conversation about it

because now he's 17. And he is so happy. In fact, he's one of the most self-accepting and self-dechered and self-loving people I know. And you're going to hear that 17-year-old happier version of him. And the reason why I wanted to share this really personal conversation with you is because this is proof that you can learn how to accept yourself and be kinder to yourself and even how to love yourself and who kinder to yourself and even how to love yourself

and who you're becoming at any age. I think it's incredible that he figured this out so young. For me, I've been working on this literally daily and I'm 54. And so, if you struggle with self-acceptance, if you struggle with being kind to yourself, it is never too early or too late to have an enormous breakthrough in your relationship to yourself. And this is really important. It's really important because based on the research, there was this massive study done in the UK, where they took a look at absolutely every single behavior or attitude change you could make,

or you could practice in terms of improving your life. And they looked at everything. They looked at changing your diet, practicing gratitude, having a meditation practice, exercising regularly, seeing your friends more, all the things that we know we should be doing, right? But do you know that the single behavior change that has the biggest and most profound impact on your quality of your day-to-day life

is simply being kinder to yourself. Yeah, that's right. According to the research, being kinder to yourself, learning how to accept and love yourself, it is the biggest mover in terms of your happiness, meaning, confidence, all of it. And the sad thing about the study is that habit of being kinder to yourself, of accepting yourself, of loving yourself, it's the one we practice the least. And so today's episode of the Mel Robbins podcast is a deeply personal, encouraging, optimistic, at times funny because it's so relatable and sad. Conversation that could change your life. And I'm going to invite you to listen because I'm sure there are aspects of yourself that you hate or that you trash. I'm sure like me, you're still

working on being kind to yourself and loving yourself. And so there's something here for you. And there's definitely something here for you. And there's definitely something here for you to share with the high schoolers and college kids and middle schoolers in your life. When you hear a kid, like Oakley, describe in detail the things he hated about himself when he was in sixth grade and seventh grade and eighth grade. These are things I didn't even know that he hated about himself. This is so relatable to other kids and to other young adults that you're gonna wanna share this with everybody.

The way that this is gonna go is I'm gonna bring you into this really personal conversation that Oakley and I had. There'll be times where I stop and I give you more tools that you can use so that you can learn how to love yourself and practice this habit of being kinder to yourself. Because this is exactly what my last book, The High Five Habit, was all about. The science and the research

and the habits of learning how to be kind to and cheer for and love yourself. And one final thing that I want to say before we jump into this is I know that many of you are going to write to me about my relationship with Oakley because that's what happened when you heard the episode where my daughter Kendall and I were talking. The fact is I do have a really unique relationship with Oak and it's probably a byproduct of a number of things. First of all, he is our third kid, and you know that you're kind of different with all your kids, so he's the third.

He's also got two older sisters who are major oversharers, okay? And so they have not only micromanaged their little brother, they have also dumped all of their own feelings and struggles and everything with them, and they have yanked his stories out of him. On top of that, my husband Christopher Oakstad is a yoga instructor.

He leads a men's retreat called Soul Degree. He's studying to be a death doula. He is a very deep introspective guy. And that is definitely impacted, Oakley. And one final thing, there have been several pretty bad bullying incidents that Oakley has survived. And in each one, I was the one that went barreling in to protect the kid. When he was bullied at this camp, Mama Bear, Mel Robbins. I put the pedal to the metal and I floored it 120 miles an hour to that camp and squealed

in there and marched into that camp director's office and gave that camp director a new one. And then I ripped my kid out of there. And I think having seen me just go, wow, explosive on his behalf. I think it makes him way more open with me about what's going on. So with all of that as a background and one final disclaimer, he is 17. He is in that stage in high school. Every kid goes through it, whether they do it in front of you or not, it's the F's stage where they drop the F bomb all the time and they're all the cool kid. And I made a decision that as he was talking, I didn't want to become the corrective

mom. I wanted to just let the conversation flow. And so you will hear this 17 year old, drop the F bomb occasionally. So please do not have the litt little surround, protect their little ears, and just know that we edited some of them out, but we left a bunch in, because I just wanted you to hear a very honest conversation about self-hatred and self-love between a 17 year old boy and his mom. All right. Let's jump into it. This is really like your debut on the podcast.

Feels great. Glad to be here. Okay. I'm glad you're here too. Thanks for having me. You're welcome. So, I want to talk to you about the topic of self-love because the majority of people

Struggle with accepting liking and loving themselves Right, and you are 17 years old and you seem to have had a profound breakthrough In truly authentically liking and loving yourself Hmm, and I was not like that at 17. At 17, I freaking hated myself. And I have not truly started learning all about self-acceptance and self-kindness and self-love until the last couple of years.

And so I want to know, was there a moment that you had an epiphany or like what freaking happened? Yeah, I'd love to tell you. Okay. So maybe you should give everybody a little background of hopefully before he loved himself. I will.

Okay. So to give context, 13, I feel like you start to become very self-conscious. Like, 11 to 13 is when it starts. Yeah. I think that's one of the things. So I'd say that I started to be a little self-conscious when I was 13. I had very short hair, like so short to the point where it wasn't even curly like it is now. It was blue and red and bleach and pink.

It was every color. It was every color. Why was it every color? Cause I really wanted to just do that. I woke up one day and I was like, I want that. I want that. And then like a few months later, I was like, oh my god, I don't want this.

I couldn't do anything about it because my whole head was literally a different color. Um, so I think that's when I started to be like, oh, like, I don't know, like I'm not liking myself right now. And also like, I feel like I was definitely struggling with weight issue. I don't know, I'd look at myself and look at how I was 13. I was 13. It was, it was weird.

Yeah, but what would you look in the mirror and see? Chubby cheeks, double chin, man boobs, boobs. Get out of the shower and be like, ugh, no. That was 13, like I was so young. You told me a story once about the jeans. Yeah, so seventh grade Oakley bleached hair, no eyebrows. I didn't no eyebrows. I didn't have eyebrows. Well, they hadn't grown hair.

They had in like three years. They were very blonde. So it looked like I had no eyebrows, I had blonde hair. And one day I wore skinny jeans and I just like liked how they felt. Like I liked the look of skinny jeans on me. So I continued to wear them every single day. Every single day like October to like April.

And like, you know that first day in April where it like is just warm enough where you can like not have to wear a sweatshirt, like wear shorts for the first time and you're like, fuck yeah, like winters over. Yes. And so I'm like winters over, like let me throw on a pair of shorts. And I go to school, I'm so excited. And the, like, nobody even says good morning. The first thing everybody says is,

your legs look so weird. And I was like, like, what? Like, this is the first time I'm ever not wearing like jeans and everybody's making fun of my legs. And I'm like, oh my God. So for the rest of the year, I wore jeans, even in like, his 70 and 80 degree weather because I was so worried about people being like,

your legs look weird. That's so sad. I know, because I was just like, oh my God, they think my legs look weird. Like I don't wanna stand out. I don't want them to look at my legs. What was it like that day at school, with shorts on, have they had somebody say,

no, it was more than one person, more than multiple people said my legs look weird. It was like, I just wanted to find a paraget. I wanted to find a pair of pants anywhere. I would have fucking taken anything. I would have worn leggings like I don't care. Give me literally anything other than shorts and I will be fine.

But I just like, I didn't even want, it's not that I wanted to leave. I just like wanted to get the attention away from myself and I had no idea what to do or how to do it. So I just kinda like sat there and thought about it all day and I was like, my legs do look weird. Hmm, what happens is when someone's self conscious, they want to draw as little attention

that was possible so they just are like, let me throw all this attention on somebody else. So when they're super self-conscious, they're like, oh, look at your shoes. Like, who wears those? To like get everybody to look at your shoes, instead of like, look at their hair. I don't think they ever like commented about my weight.

That was never a comment, but it was always like my hair or like, the way I acted or stuff like that, where people would comment about it. And I think it's just like spiraled another things, like me like being like, oh, if they don't like this, then I'm guessing they don't like this. And it was it's just like spiraled another things, like me like being like, all they don't like this, that I'm guessing they don't like this. And it was like a spiral and it was negative.

It was not good. So very self-conscious, very like, it continued into eighth grade. And then what happened? Because this sounds terrible. What changed? Yeah, what changed? Because I think we can all relate to this.

Where you look in the mirror and you focus on what you don't like. Right. You have an experience of just wanting the attention to be off of you and wanting people to accept you or wanting to fit in. Every single one of us can relate to that gene story, Oakley. And I think we discount how these tiny moments where somebody picks on you or criticizes something about your appearance or your voice or your height or your skin color, how it affects us. It stays with you forever. As you're talking Oak, I can of this thing that happened in my life.

It was ninth grade, and this movie Flash Dance was super popular. Jennifer Beals was the star of it, and I was so in love with that movie that I marched right to my mom's hairdresser and asked them to give me a Jennifer Beale's perm. Now to get curly hair like Jennifer Beale's, you had to get layers first. And then I got a perm. I walked out of there, tight curls, wavy, big, moppy, perm head. I thought it was fantastic. And so the next day, I go to school, Oak, and I'm wearing a sweatshirt, of course, with my shoulder exposed, because that was the flash dance, dance look. I didn't even take dance classes.

I had my bouncy, full, new Jennifer Beale's poodle perm, and I walked in, and I'll never forget walking down that hall just like you with the jeans. It wasn't one person that pointed out the perm. It wasn't one person that laughed. It was like everybody in that hallway. And I went home that night just like you went home and you never wore shorts again. I went home that night and washed my hair about 25 times to try to wash the perm out,

which you actually can't do. It just makes it frizzier. What happens in those moments is that none of us, when we're kids, have the ability to turn to the people criticizing us and be like, you freaking idiots, my legs are fine. What we do in those moments where we feel separate is we turn against ourselves.

Right. And it's those tiny moments that happen over and over and over again where we turn against ourselves and we become obsessed with making other people not pick on us or like us or fitting in. That's where we lose that connection to self. Like, because when you turn against yourself, it's literally an act of self-hatred. So, what happened next for you?

All right, so what happens is eighth grade comes around. Now, would you say at this point you you like, didn't like yourself or like, where were you about your relationship with that? It was very like, I'd say it was like 70, 30. Like myself, 30% didn't like myself, 70%. Okay. But eighth grade, you know, I'm older, I look a little bit older.

It was a good year. I'd say it was a good year. Like, kinda got over that. I wore shorts. I kept wearing sweatshirts though. My, the top half of my body was a big like, no thank you, because I like my boobs, my man boobs, they were not it.

It was like, ugh, my god. Okay, this is, but anyways. Fascinating, because I never thought you had man boobs. I did. I'd get out of the shower and I'd like take a step and I'd like, see you in my, good luck with that. I'd be like, no, no. Then I'd put my towel on around my upper half, like a girl does, like put the bun in

it. I just like do the top. Walk to my room, put my clothes on, throw. I'd always wear a sweatshirt. I don't think it was ever a time where I didn't have a sweatshirt on. You know, Sawyer did the same thing when she was going through puberty because she hated the way her body looked. I knew what was going on with Sawyer, but same thing when she was going through puberty because she hated the way her body looked. I knew what was going on with Sawyer,

but you never shared this with me. I had no idea that you hated your body. Yeah, and so what happened is 2020 big like lockdown. Everybody's screaming and scared and- Shut up, they weren't having stuff. We are all in the shit show, except for me, it was a time of recreational activities, no one making fun of me and nothing to do ever.

Now I'm not gonna be like, oh, like people had it so easy, like no, it was fucking horrible for so many people, but for me, as a 14 year old boy, it was the time of my god damn life. Oh my god. Um, I'd wake up, I'd play games all day, I'd jump on the trampoline, I'd hang out with my dogs, I would eat whatever the hell I wanted, it was fantastic.

And I noticed that I'd stop looking in the mirror and being like, I don't look a certain way. Or I, I'm worried that this way that I look right now is gonna upset people or all that because I didn't have anybody to shut, I didn't have anybody to see. That's right, you work on this stuff. I wasn't going anywhere, I wasn't seeing anybody,

I didn't care. I have to stop you because I want to point out two really critical things. Number one, you stopped caring about what other people thought. Now, look, you had it easy because you were locked in your house so you didn't have to see people. Right. But when you can figure out how to care more about how you feel today

about yourself, rather than focusing on caring whether or not people are going to pick on you for the skinny jeans or your poodle perm in my case, when you can actually stop caring and you can care more about your own happiness, that right there changes everything. And so what you're describing is you have this epiphany that we all need to have, which is the only thing that matters is whether or not you're waking up today and you are gonna do things that make you happy. That's the only thing that you should care about. And there's a second thing that I wanna point out.

Instead of being surrounded by people who are critical of you, which is what was happening in school, you are now stuck at home with four people who love you. Exactly. I knew they loved me, and I knew that they respected me, and I'd wake up every day, and I wouldn't like look in the mirror and be like,

well, they're my man boobs. There's like my ugly ass double chin. I wouldn't see that. I'd look in the mirror and be like, today's a day, time to go fucking play Xbox for 30 hours. Like, you know, it was awesome because we were all together and it was awesome, but it was just like, I was walking every day

and I was enjoying my time and I wasn't ever like getting down on myself. And what I came to realize is that when I worry about whatever other people think of me, it like drags me the hell down. Mm. And when I didn't think about other people or I didn't think about what other people think of me, it like drags me the hell down. And when I didn't think about other people, or I didn't think about what they were thinking about me, I wasn't like, yeah, I bet they look so stupid right now,

or I bet their hair looks ugly. Cause like, I didn't know, nor did I give a shit. So I wasn't trying to impress anybody, and no one was trying to impress me. So what I really realized was that when social scenarios get in the way and you are worried about what other people think of you, that's when you get down on yourself.

Well, one of the things that I've noticed about you, Oakley, is that you're not on social media a lot. And based on the research, there's a lot of kids that came out of that two-year weird period in our lives, way worse in terms of mental health, because they were mainlining social media. So even though they weren't in school, they were online doing that comparison thing in isolation on their own.

It is so freaking damaging when you mainline social media and say to yourself, well, I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I wish I looked like that. And so I think that's an important thing to point out, Oak, that you aren't sitting there doing that probably because you were on Xbox playing video games for 30 hours a day, but that's a big deal. Yeah. So there was a very poignant moment you described to me, Oak, that I keep thinking about, and I want you to share it with us when we come back.

Okay, so there was this very poignant moment, Oak, you described to me, where you had this amazing breakthrough. Can you share what your realization was? Yeah. You only go through life with yourself. You are the only person that you wake up with and you go to sleep with every single night and every single day. And you are the only person that you need to please.

You are not going to live your whole life with the ability to please everyone else because that's not going to make you happy because at the end of the day, if you're not happy, other people's happiness won't boost you. It's true. It will make you feel better. It's a crazy simple way to explain how profound it is when you learn how to accept, be kind to, and eventually love yourself. And you said something to me when we were talking about this that I thought was really like so simple, but also gut-wrenching in its truth, which is when you were removed from the situation of walking

into school, where you were worried people are gonna pick on you, worried about whether you fit in, trying to get the attention off you. And you were just quarantining with me and dad and your two older sisters. You had this epiphany where you're like, well, there's nothing wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with me.

Yeah. Those five words, there's nothing wrong with me. That will change your entire life. I mean, just imagine how big of a breakthrough it is if you could wake up every single day. And believe there's nothing wrong with me. Because the fact is there is nothing wrong with you. Right. You know, I spent God, Oak,

40 plus years of my life waking up every day, believing there was something wrong with me. And one of the first things that everybody has to do if they're going to have a breakthrough in self acceptance and self kindness, you must start to tell yourself there's nothing wrong with me. That right there, if you could just do that, would completely change your relationship with yourself. Because we can't stop what other people might say, but you can absolutely alter and reprogram

the way you talk to yourself. And so I just want to point out that that bar right there, there's nothing wrong with me. If you just flip from constantly looking for what's wrong, and now you start reminding yourself, there's nothing wrong with me. Yeah, the things that I could improve, of course, but there's nothing wrong with me. That is acceptance right there. Right.

It is. And then you had this second epiphany, which is you thought, well, if nothing's wrong with me, why don't I just like myself? What a radical idea. Yeah. Imagine how much your life changes. When you say to yourself, why don't I just like myself? I mean, other people can have opinions.

But why don't I just like myself? Exactly as I am. I mean, I'm a good person. I'm trying hard. What's stopping me from liking myself? Yeah. Well, if you're like most of us, you're basically holding some goal out as the thing that you got to do, like, oh, I'd like myself if I lost 30 pounds. I'd like myself

if I didn't have man boobs. I'd like myself if I didn't have bills piled up to the ceiling. I'd like myself if I didn't make all those mistakes. See, that's where we get it all wrong. See, that's where we get it all wrong. Liking yourself is not going to happen just because you lose the weight. You could make a decision to like yourself exactly where you are because you deserve that. And you need it. When you like yourself, what happens, and I notice this with you, Oakley, is that you start to act like you like yourself, what happens, and I notice this with you Oakley, is that you start to act like you like yourself. You start to be kinder to yourself. The more you treat yourself as if you like yourself, the more other people can have their opinions, but your opinion is that you think you're a pretty good person. And you treat yourself kindly, and then it starts

to snowball from there. Right. So imagine if you realize that the only thing that's stopping you from liking yourself is your own judgment. That means you have the power to remove the judgment and add in kindness. And that changes everything. And that's not only something that makes a lot of sense. So when you look in the mirror and you're like, oh, my man, who's you feel motivated to do so?

No, of course not. That's why I can't make a difference with you. Because the lack of motivation comes from yourself criticism. And so this whole thing hinges on The lack of motivation comes from your self-criticism. And so this whole thing hinges on acceptance first and then kindness towards self. That's exactly how everything changes. And I watched that happen with you, Oak. Yeah, why not just like yourself?

Well, that brings me to something. So I want to read to you a question from somebody who listens to the podcast. Okay. Karin Schillinger. Everyone says, love yourself, accept yourself, validate yourself. These are general terms. No one actually knows what that means. What does loving yourself actually look like? What does that mean in our

everyday lives? Please do an episode about what loving, accepting, and validating yourself looks like, feels like. Specific examples, so many people are frustrated and confused by the advice, love yourself. So what does that mean and give specific examples of what you do? It is an incredibly broad term. Just love yourself. It's so easy to say, the way I like myself is, I feel like there's always little things.

There's always little things about yourself that you can find that you can. So number one, find something little. You don't even have to be big. Does that be big? Okay. So give us, give us three examples of little things you, you like or love about yourself. Right now. Yes. I haven't looked at a mirror recently, but I think I like my hair right now. Yeah. Pretty sure I like my hair right now. I'm liking my smile right now. I really like my smile. I'm liking my smile right now. I really like my smile. And I'm also liking... I'm also liking like who I am in my friend group right now. What does that mean? So what do you like about who you are? Give me a specific example.

It's kind of like home-acting with my friends and how I'm treating them and how I'm like respecting them and being there for them. I'm enjoying that. I'm liking that about myself. You're proud of yourself. I am proud of myself. Can you give another example that is not about something physical? I'm proud of something physical. I'm proud of how I'm doing in school. I'm doing pretty well in school.

And do you know why you're doing well? Because I'm trying. Yes. So you're proud of yourself for trying. Yeah. I am. See, it's like those little things, like, oh, I don't like the way my stomach looks,

or I don't like the way I look. Or I don't like my grades, or I don't like this, and then you don't feel motivated, because you're beating yourself down. Exactly. And so you find number one, little teeny things. They can literally be like, I like the color of my eye right now.

It doesn't have to be like, I look like a god. No, just has to be like very little. Yeah, start with, I love the shape, or the color of my eyes. I love the sound of my left. Find something small. And I'm focusing on simple and small habits

because this is not something that happens overnight. Self-acceptance, self-kindness, self-love is a habit you have to practice it every single day. Find one small thing that you like about yourself. It could be that you're a great friend. That you have an amazing laugh, that you're a wonderful cook, that you're a terrific son, that you try really hard at work, that you are proud of the way you're working on your boundaries. And if you can't think of something,

look in that mirror and look at your iris and just complement the incredible miracle that is that unique pattern and color that is unique to you of 8 billion people on this planet. You're the only one with an eyeball that is unique to you of 8 billion people on this planet. You're the only one with an eyeball that is designed and looks like that, and that is freaking cool. But I just wanted to take a minute and say, it's hard.

You know, oak sounds really upbeat, and so do I, and we're joking around because we have a great relationship, and Oakley doesn't hate himself anymore. And I'm actively working on self-kindness and self-love. But it's hard, right, Oak? It's definitely hard. It's not going to be easy to love yourself and it takes time.

It's like a muscle. I'd say it's definitely like a muscle. When you work at it and you start off small, start off a small weight and then you get bigger, it becomes easier. When you work at it and you start off small, like start off a small weight and then you get bigger, it becomes easier. When you start to try and work at it and you work more, it's going to become more unconscious that you are nice about yourself. Oh my gosh, Oak, that's the high five habit.

The most important habit that helps with self love and self acceptance. I'm going to explain it. Cool. Yeah. Okay, cool. So the high five habit, super simple, don't ever think this. I will do an entire episode about the high five habit probably in January because there's so much science to cover and so many stories to tell you.

Here it is. Tomorrow morning, after you finish brushing your teeth, put the toothbrush down, and now I want you to do the high five habit. First you look in the mirror. For many of you, that's going to be the hardest part. 50% of men and women based on our research cannot or will not look themselves in the mirror because they do not like the person they see. And so I don't want you to be surprised if simply looking at yourself in the mirror

is really difficult. Step two. You are then going to raise your hand and high five-year reflection. It's just unbelievable what happens when you simply high five yourself in the mirror. When you go to raise your hand, I don't want you to say anything. Nothing. It's just about the action and watching yourself high five yourself. The action alone of high five in yourself does all the work neurologically, physiologically, chemically and psychologically. We've had 164,000 people in 91 countries,

go through a five day challenge with me called the high five challenge. And the results are just irrefutable. It will take less than five days for you to have a breakthrough in self-love. If you simply look in the mirror every morning and send yourself into your day by high-fiving yourself in the mirror, you may laugh. The reason why you laugh is because your brain releases dopamine. This is really normal. You might burst into tears. That's also very normal because you may not have looked at yourself for real or been kind to yourself for real in years.

This is the fastest way based on science to start rewiring your brain and to have a breakthrough in being kind and loving to yourself. And it works at a reprogramming level in your nervous system and in your brain. All right, Oakley, thank you for letting me do that. Yeah. Let's bring it home. Actually, I have another thing I want to say. Tell me.

Guys, compliment each other. Oh, great idea. Bring up positive things about your friends. Like, if you don't want to draw attention to yourself and you want to draw attention to each other, be like, I love the way your hair looks right now. Or that was a really good point you brought up in that meeting or in class,

or just like, that feels good. You can make other people feel good. Yes, you can, and it makes you feel good. And one of the things that I learned later as a parent that I now do a great job at is I don't just compliment how you look. I compliment a specific part of how I look. That's not what I was gonna say.

Oh, what the fuck were you gonna say? I was gonna say your character. Oh. part of how I look. That's not what I was going to say. What the fuck were you going to say? I was going to say your character. Your great friend. You try really hard. I love that you, I love, you know what I love most about you? Other than your like amazing aura. Yup, that your aura is great. I love your aura.

I would say it's purple. It's like purpley green. Yes, there's a little green fuzz there. Yeah. No, what I would say about you that I love most is I really admire how in tune you are with your own values. And how you live by them.

I admire that in you. Thank you, ma'am. You're welcome. It is important to call them in person out. I think personality is even bigger than looks. I feel like, you. Thank you, Mom. You're welcome. It is important to call them in person. I think personality is like even bigger than looks. I feel like when I get a compliment on like how I act, I feel like so much better when I get like a compliment on how I look. Of course, because you can control how you show up. You can't control what you look like. Well, I love you. I love you too. And I believe in you. And I believe in you guys.

And I believe in your ability to learn how to love yourself, to be kinder to yourself, to cheer yourself forward. And we're rooting for you all the way. That's why we're here, and we'll see you in a few days. Yes, we will. Stitcher.