The Mel Robbins Podcast - How to Become the Person You’ve Always Wanted to Be

Episode Date: August 4, 2025

Today, you’ll learn how to stop playing small and step into the bigger life that’s waiting for you. You’ll learn how to stop shrinking, stop explaining, and start claiming what you want without guilt, apology, or second-guessing. Whether you’re coming out of a breakup, burnout, or just a version of life that no longer fits, this conversation will show you how to reinvent yourself from the inside out. You’ll hear what happens when you finally give yourself permission to live life the way you really want. Because let’s be honest: How many times have you talked yourself out of what you want… before you even tried to go get it? That job. That conversation. That version of yourself you know you’re capable of being. You feel the pull. But then comes the doubt. And you quietly decide, “That’s not for me.” This episode is here to challenge that. And change it. Mel sits down with Chelsea Handler, one of the most successful comedians of all time, a six-time #1 New York Times bestselling author, and someone who’s spent decades breaking rules, saying exactly what she thinks, and reinventing herself in public. But this is not the Chelsea you think you know. This conversation is about the version of Chelsea you haven’t seen – the woman who’s done the inner work, faced down regret, and come out the other side with more clarity, peace, and power than ever before. You’ll laugh. You might cry. And you will absolutely see yourself in this. If you’ve ever walked through life thinking “that would be nice… but not for me,” that ends today. This is the permission slip you’ve been waiting for. You’ll learn: -How to let go of the expectations, labels, and roles that aren’t yours anymore -What it means to claim what you want – and actually go get it -The mindset shift that makes true confidence possible -How to stop managing everyone else’s comfort and start living for you -What it really takes to stop caring what people think -How to pick yourself back up after regret, loss, or failure  This conversation will challenge you. It will surprise you. And it will make you think differently about what you’re actually capable of. You have a reservoir of strength that you don’t even know about, and today you’re going to learn how to tap into it. For more resources, click here for the podcast episode page. If you liked the episode, check out this one next: How to Stop Caring What People Think of YouConnect with Mel: Get Mel’s #1 bestselling book, The Let Them TheoryWatch the episodes on YouTubeFollow Mel on Instagram The Mel Robbins Podcast InstagramMel's TikTok Sign up for Mel’s personal letter Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes ad-freeDisclaimer

Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Have you ever gotten on a plane? And as you're passing through first class, you kind of look around and think, well, this would be nice. But then you just shrug your shoulders and you walk all the way to the back of the plane and you're, excuse me, excuse me, I'm right there in the middle seat. Thank you. Can you imagine a world where instead of looking around and saying that would be nice,

and then you dismiss your chance of getting it, you actually stop and look around and say, you know what, I think this thing up here, this is for me. I'd like to be up here. These are my people. And look, you may not want to fly first class, but there are things that you do want. And I want you to consider that the first step

to achieving the things that you want is having the confidence to claim what you want. Today's conversation is the permission you need to go after what you want in life, whether that is flying first class or being unapologetically ambitious or standing up for yourself, or speaking your mind, or making the changes you wanna make.

The person you're about to meet is gonna tell you if you have ever told yourself, well, I can't make that habit, you're wrong. The one and only Chelsea Handler is here. Now, Chelsea's one of the most successful comedians of all time. She's the author of six consecutive number one New York Times bestsellers. I just read her latest bestselling book

and I'm gonna admit something to you. I had Chelsea Handler all wrong. I had no idea who she actually is at her core. I've learned a lot from her. I am inspired by her. And you're about to hear the hilarious twists and turns and the lessons that she has learned the hard way. These are lessons that you and I can use about confidence, being yourself, getting rid of anger,

picking yourself up when you blow it, finding inspiration in the darkest moments, and the power of laughter. But most of all, Chelsea's gonna talk about the confidence that comes when you give yourself permission to want what you want and be unapologetically who you are. Chelsea's gonna tell you, you have a reservoir of strength that you don't even know about, but you're gonna learn today how to tap into it.

Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. It is always such an honor to be together and spend time with you and I'm so excited that you're here. And because you made the time to listen to this particular episode, here's what I know about you. You're the kind of person who is ready to stop playing small and start living a bigger life. And if you're a new listener or you're here because somebody shared this with you,

I just wanna personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. Here today is the one and only Chelsea Handler. Chelsea is an iconic comedian, actress, writer, and producer. She has starred in five television shows, multiple standup comedy specials on HBO and Netflix. She's been nominated for two Grammys.

She is also the author of six consecutive, number one New York Times bestselling books. And her latest bestseller, I'll Have What She's Having, is a profound and hysterical book that shares the twists and turns and lessons behind some of the craziest stories of her life, regrettable mistakes that she's made, darkest times, and everything that she has learned to pick herself back up and reinvent

herself again and again and again, and oftentimes still smile while she was doing it. Chelsea is here to share those insights and tools with you and me so you can stop playing small and start living a bigger life. Please help me welcome Chelsea Handler to the Mel Robbins podcast. Chelsea, I'm so excited that you're here. I mean, on paper, when you look at all your accomplishments

from being an iconic comedian for 20 years, seven New York Times bestsellers, five different television shows, you have so many extraordinary experiences, a media company that you are running, serial entrepreneur. And one of the things that I appreciate the most about you is everybody who read this book, I'll have what she's having, fell in love with you. And I don't think people understand truly what a remarkable human being you are at your core. That there is a very big difference between the perception or what may have been written and actually at your core in your purpose, who you have become and the expression that you are in the world. And so I am really thrilled because like me, you learn this shit the hard way. And this book brilliantly

unpacks the mistakes, the regrets, the lessons learned that got you to truly connect with who you are at your core. And we're going to unpack so much of the wisdom in this book, the hilarious stories, but I would love to start by having you speak directly to the person who's with us. And if you think about all of the takeaways in your book and the lessons that you've learned and the things that you want to share, particularly with other women, what could be different about their life if they really take to heart some of the things that you're about to teach us today and they apply it in their own life? I think that positivity and optimism is contagious, right? While sometimes it feels hopeless

and sometimes you are so down and we can all get into pity parties about what's not going right in our lives, there's always a different lens to look at everything. And no one is perfect at always looking at the positivity in their lives. But when you get better at looking at it more frequently, then that becomes your default.

And then there's a magnetism in that. You attract more positivity because you become more positive. And these are all things that when I was younger, in my 30s, I would be like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, shut up. I don't want to talk about meditation. I don't want to talk about everything to me seemed like somebody was leading me to a chakra, you know, but it is scientific. It only matters if you're a person who is really connected to who you are and to being in the moment as as much as you possibly can. Then you just become so kind of like a tree. You know, you're a tree.

You can like blow on me, but I'm not gonna fall over. You know, you can like rustle my leaves and you might blow a few leaves off, but you're not ever going to fuck with the foundation of who I am. It wasn't always that way though. No, no, I was all over the house and the sky, you know, not grounded, like a leaf, like a leaf on a tree.

Forgetting that you actually have roots. Yes. Yes. And I think that's a lot of actually what this book is about is figuring out and remembering who you are. Yes. At your core. Also, we lose touch with who we are so often in our lives. So I would say that it is up to you

to always get yourself back on the right track. Like you always say, no one's coming to save you. No one is coming to save anyone. Even if you consider yourself someone who saves other people, Even if you consider yourself someone who saves other people, you can't do the whole job. No one is coming to get you. You have to save yourself and by saving yourself, you're going to save other people. One of the things that I found fascinating about your story is that from a very, very young age,

you had a very clear idea of the kind of person that you wanted to be. In fact, I'm gonna read from your New York Times mega bestseller about the vision that you had for yourself. I love this. This is in the very beginning. It's a chapter, The Little Girl. You write, she would be nothing less than fierce, this woman I'd become. She would be confident and never hesitate to stick her neck out for other people. With a mind so sharp, no one would ever call her just a pretty face. She'd be so much more than that. Tell me a little bit about the kind of little girl you were, because not every little kid kind of has a sense of who they are.

But you, like this struck me as like very unique about you. I would like to instill every little girl with this kind of vision of herself. You know, when I wrote this book, it was with the idea to inject everyone with the self-confidence that people perceive me to have. Like, you know, I wish I had an ozempic needle of confidence to give everybody

and shoot everybody up and be like, you can be self-assured and confident too. But as I've grown up, yes, I was born with a specific type of personality and that can come across as very confident. But I don't want anyone to think that I have confidence all the time in any way, shape or form. I've built my confidence and I've gone through phases where I've had little confidence. But as a very young person, I knew I had something to offer. Not that I was better than anyone, but that I had a vision of the woman that I wanted to be.

And that woman was gonna be fierce and she was gonna tell the truth and she wasn't gonna be a follower, she was gonna be a leader. That was very important to me that I wasn't just gonna do what other people did, that I was going to be a leader. That was very important to me that I wasn't just going to do what other people did, that I was going to create a path for myself because I wanted to be an example of womanhood. And this was when I was like six or seven years old.

I was thinking about becoming a woman. I'm going to get my hair clip out because I'm going to start sweating. It was like, you know, I just had this idea of, of like, of what I wanted to be. I just always knew that I wanted to be independent. I wanted to be strong. I wasn't gonna rely on anyone like, or have a husband. Like that wasn't even in my purview or, I mean, I just never identified with that. I'm gonna grow up and I'm gonna get married. I'm gonna get a job. I'm gonna go to college and I'm gonna have kids. I never identified with that. I'm gonna grow up and I'm gonna get married.

I'm gonna get a job. I'm gonna go to college and I'm gonna have kids. I never ever thought that. I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. The more anyone tells me to do something, the less inclined I am to do it. So I just thought, here's an original plan, you know? And then there were women that I looked up to

or figures in history where I thought, wow, you know? Like, that's cool. Like I could do this my own way and I can be independent. And I wanted to be more than anything. I wanted to be a patriarch, like to my family. Like I wanted to be the one who handled everything. So I identified more with like a masculine role than I did with your traditional feminine role,

but I am a woman. So that role is there for us to take as well. Well, I read in this great op-ed that was published in the Wall Street Journal that you wrote, I was a handful growing up. At a young age, I had a very clear understanding that the two people in charge of our family were the two people I had the least confidence in.

There was no structure at home and a lot of uncertainty. And what's interesting about your story is that a lot of people see what's going on and say, I want that. You saw what was going on and said, I don't want that. And that's an important takeaway because if you're somebody that's listening or watching right now and you're thinking, how the hell does she have that sense of,

I want that shit now and I'm in my 60s. What would you say to a person that's hearing you because it is enticing, it is so sexy to hear you state all these things that you want to be. You rarely hear anybody say it like that with this like, I wanna feel this way. And we should be doing it. So what would you say to somebody who's listening like,

I'll have what she's having. I would say- Just how do I drink it? Yeah, yeah, first of all, it doesn't matter what age you are, it doesn't matter what your situation is right now. If you're in a marriage that you don't wanna be in or if you're in a job you don't wanna be in or if you're in a marriage that you don't want to be in, or if you're in a job you don't want to be in, or if you're in a city that you don't want to live in, whatever your situation is, even if you're sick,

you have the ability to take control of your life and have autonomy over your decisions and not be tethered to anybody else regarding your happiness. Like, we don't have to be responsible for other people's happiness. That's a choice that we can make, but it is not our responsibility to provide other people with happiness. As a comedian, I feel like it is my job to spread joy and sunshine when I'm on stage. I've chosen that to be my job. Like you can't tell me to do that. Then I won't want to. You know what I mean? Right. Yes.

And so I think a lot of people, I think first of all, it doesn't matter how old you are, no one is unrecoverable. You're never cooked. You're here. As long as you're here, you have an opportunity to make your life great. You're a perfect example of that. We all know your story and how you picked yourself up off the floor when you were in your darkest hour. Everybody has the capability and an inner reservoir of strength that many people know nothing about. But it's there. One of the lessons that I picked up very early on in your book, and I'm going to read you a little bit and then I cannot wait to hear you tell this story, this is on page nine,

it's chapter called First Class. And this is a lesson about allowing yourself to claim the thing you want, even if it seems ridiculous. And you're talking, you're literally talking about getting on your very first plane ride across the country to visit your grandparents. You're 10 years old, four of us traveling. You board the plane, walk past the first class section, stopped, sniffed around. This seems like my group,

I told my mother. The writing was on the wall. If my family was content flying coach for the rest of their lives, we simply weren't on the same page. And I would at some point have to split ties with them. At 10 years old, you have this really important thing that you're already doing 10 years old, you have this really important thing that you're already doing, where you're allowing yourself to claim something that you want simply because you want it. And then you go a step further, and I would love to have you share the story

about what you did next with the lemonade stand, and then how you started to hustle, and then what you did with the money, because this blew my mind. So first of all, I knew I had to start working right away because my parents were just two hot messes, you know? And I was like, oh my God, there's nothing set up for me here.

Like I'm gonna have to start working. I'm a child, what can I do? I'm like, okay, what's the lowest hanging fruit? That's a lemonade stand. I'll open up a lemonade stand. I enlisted my older sister, the youngest of six children. I enlist, so that gives you also,

when you're the youngest of six children, you grow up much quicker than anybody else in the family because you have to. You're absorbing everything around you and your language skills are far superior to anyone else's because you learn how to navigate, negotiate, argue, and win. And so I opened up a lemonade stand.

We did, our business was fine. We were on Martha's Vineyard. That sounds like we came from money. We did not. My dad had got a very inexpensive house on Martha's Vineyard. We don't know how he got the money to get that house, but whatever. It was the one of the best decisions he's ever made. And we got so many beautiful summers from it. So I opened up a lemonade stand. I said to my sister, Shana, she was five years older. I'm like, do you want to open up a lemonade stand. I said to my sister, Shana, she was five years older. I'm like, do you want to open up a lemonade stand with me? We made like maybe, I don't know, 17, 18, 20 dollars, not enough money for me at that age. I was like, whoa, I think I was probably around 10. And I was like, this isn't going to work. And then I was like, okay, the next best thing is opening

up a hard lemonade stand. I'm like, that's what people really want. I'm whiskey, gin, and tequila. That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go back to my house. I'm gonna get some gin, whiskey, and tequila, which was difficult, because my parents didn't really drink, so it wasn't even like, you know, good stuff. Like, I think I went to a neighbor's house

and got some whiskey from her. And then I told my sister, I'm like, we're gonna mix our drinks, and we're gonna sell the alcohol to the adults, and we're gonna sell the lemonade to the kids. And anyone, frankly, who's over 10, can also have a cocktail, as far as I'm concerned. And my sister's like, we're definitely to sell the alcohol to the adults and we're going to sell the lemonade to the kids. And anyone frankly who's over 10 can also have a cocktail as far as I'm concerned. And my sister's like, we're definitely not doing that. That's illegal.

And I was like, well, then you can go take a hike because you're actually cutting into my profit margin. So I fired her and then I went around the neighborhood and I would just knock on the door and I would introduce myself like a businesswoman. I was 10 and you know, wearing like shorts and flip-flops and whatever. And I was like, hi, my name is Chelsea Handler. Do you have any other 10-year-olds that I can play with? And finally, they sent this kid named Nelson down.

And I was like, Nelson, I'm doing a lemonade stand. I need a bar back. Do you know how to mix a drink? And he was like, what? I was like, listen, I've seen it on TV. This is all you have to do. And that lemonade stand yielded hundreds of dollars in the first few weeks. I mean, we made so much money.

I think by the third week I had like $700 or 506 or whatever figure it's in the book. And then I gave Nelson his commission because now it wasn't my sister. It was a guy that I hired. And I think it was like, say I made $569, I gave him his commission, which was $5.69. I was like, this is yours, Nelson. Nelson thought he hit the lottery. He's like, oh my God, $5. He's like, this is crazy.

This is more money than I would have made if I'd lost three teeth in one week. I'm like, Nelson, if you believe in the tooth fairy, we've got bigger problems, you know? But that was my first entrepreneurial endeavor that I realized like, okay, I'm gonna take this into my own hands. I don't need my family. I actually don't need anybody. I just need to figure out an idea. Then I was like, wait a second,

I could be making more money. I was 10, I was always, I looked older than I was. And I was like, I'll be a babysitter. There's no rules around babysitting, you know? But so I lied and I said I was 15 years old and I called all the hotels in Edgertown, Martha's Vineyard. And I was like, my name is Chelsea Handler. I'm a very experienced babysitter.

If you have any guests that are traveling and that need last minute babysitting plans, please call me, this is my number. I still remember my number, 627-5889. And, and I said I'm 15 years old. I spent that summer babysitting for a 14 year old boy. As a 10 year old. I mean, I had this babysitting business for three years. And that's how I afforded the first class ticket. Well, tell that story about what you did with the money. I used that to buy my first class ticket on the flight.

But what's amazing about this is that you didn't, it sounds like in the story you didn't tell your family. So a couple of years later, aren't you flying across country to go to your- A couple of years later, yeah, I had experienced my first plane ride at 10. That was the impetus for everything. Once I saw that there was a section of people

that had more money and could sit in nicer chairs, I was like, I'm gonna be in that group. So then I came back, I started Lemonade. I was like, this isn't enough. Like, I gotta do something bigger than this. And then I started my babysitting company. I had tons of clients. I babysat for like five different families.

I had to outsource people. I tried to hire my sister back because I had too many clients. And I saved my money. And then my mom said we were going back to California again when I was 13 to visit my grandfather. And I went down the street to a travel agent that lived on our street and I bought myself a first class ticket. And then I got on the plane, I was with my two idiot brothers, Glenn and Roy, and I was

on the plane and I didn't say anything because I could not fucking wait to see the looks on their faces. I couldn't wait to see my brothers, the look of disgust that I had figured out a system that they would have loved to figure out. You know what I mean? Yes. And that I'm 10 years younger than them. I'm the baby sister. I'm like, you know, this little thing that nobody really took seriously. And I got in my seat, 2C, I had my suitcase, I popped it in the overhead bin,

I had little kitten heels on like a business woman again, I was like, flying, I better get dressed up. And then they all thought I was kidding, I'm like, I'll see you guys at the end of the flight, and sat in 2C, and then like an hour later, my brother came up to my seat and was like, you can't do that. And I'm like, I can't do what? He goes, you can't buy

a first-class ticket and not give it to one of us or mom. I was like, first of all, I was drinking also a glass of champagne at that point because they thought I was 21 probably. I looked at him and I was like, I absolutely can. I was like, first of all, you need to get back to your section and I will see you at the end of the flight.

Can you shut this curtain and get this person's father in? Also, how did you get through the curtain? What kind of preventative measure is that curtain? It's not stopping anyone from coming up. So at that point, they knew like, oh God, she's a real handful. But I had told them from a very young age, watch out and stick with me. I'm going to get us out of this mess. Like my parents were not financially stable. We were not poor. Like we but we had our phones turned off. We had

we had money problems. It wasn't like we were driving a new cars and I was getting nice clothes. It wasn't like that. I was the youngest of six and it was like we had a house. We had stability. I never went hungry, but there was no excess, you know what I mean? And I didn't like that. I wanted more for myself and I wanted more for my family. Like it wasn't just for me. I was like, I guess I'll have to take care of this family.

What I love about this story, and I realize we're gonna get into just the whole trajectory, but I just wanna pause right here because I think this is a really inspiring thing to consider in your life. we're gonna get into just the whole trajectory, but I just wanna pause right here because I think this is a really inspiring thing to consider in your life. How often do you pass through first class or you see a beautiful house

or you see somebody pursuing some artistic thing that you've always wanted to do or you see somebody like who's a decent dancer at a wedding and you're like, I wanna do that. I would love to be a good dancer. Right? But then what follows is not, I'm gonna go figure that out. What follows is, oh, well, you can't, or I don't deserve that,

or people like me don't get to do things like that. We opt out so quickly. And what I love about this story, whether you say it's Moxie or it's survival or it's this or it's that, the piece that I love about it that struck me so beautifully is I wish we all, especially as women,

could just allow ourselves to want things that we want. And then instead of blocking the desire and invalidating ourselves, we remind ourselves with time and some effort, you can figure that shit out. You can pay for that stuff yourself. You can figure out how to do it. That's what that story illustrates. Even can pay for that stuff yourself. You can figure out how to do it.

That's what that story illustrates. Even if at every step of the way, people are saying, you can't do that or you shouldn't do that or your age makes no sense. You made it make sense. And that is a huge mindset switch that I think we all could use. And it is something that also is becoming consistent with the way you approach things. And I think that's a really cool attribute about you.

Well, thank you. But I also would like to add that there's an unapologeticness that is necessary for women to claim. In addition to everything that you just said, there also has to be, A, not do I deserve this, you deserve whatever you go after, but also don't apologize for wanting more. That's okay, too. Yeah. I mean, men don't apologize for wanting more. And I don't ever like to make it such a female male thing. But it it's

become so illustrative in the last, you know, many years to see the divide and to see how women have a harder time claiming what they want and going after they want and having a hard time talking about what they got. Yes. Yes. I want to see a shift in that too. So I'm thrilled that you told that story. So eventually you're like, I'm out of here. I'm out of here. And you get yourself to California. Like what did you think

you wanted to do? Well, I had to get away from New Jersey, from my family. I had to get away from my family. So like I graduated by the skin of my, I mean, I was terrible. I was a terrible teenager. I was awful to my parents. I was a mess. My brother died when I was nine. That had a huge impact on the family. It was terrible for our family. My father fell apart at the seams after my brother died. He never quite recovered. And then, so I had lost my brother and then I had lost my father and then I became angry that the two men that I admired the most both disappointed me and basically abandoned me. I didn't have any outlet.

I didn't have therapy. So I just became angry. My father and I were like this my whole entire teenage years. So I couldn't wait to get away from them. I couldn't wait to get away from my father specifically. I went to community college for like a semester after high school where I barely graduated. But I did graduate. I wasn't interested in school. I was interested in having fun and boys and all of that stuff.

Then I said to my parents, I think I'm going to go to California. I just felt like that's where I belong. That's where the land of people like me go. People who I felt like a misfit. I felt like I was never gonna lead a traditional life. I was like, I think I wanna go to California and I think I'm gonna drive.

I need a car. My dad was a used car dealer and I've never seen him more excited to get four new tires for a car in his life. My dad's like, I'll get you four new tires for the Audi. He had this Audi Quattro, this old Audi Quattro. He was so excited at the prospect of me leaving so that they could finally get a break from me

and all of my anger and my drama. And it was great because I got in a car, I drove across country, and all I really needed was a break from my family. We just all needed a break, you know? And once I got away from them, I started to appreciate them and love them, but I just needed my individuality and I needed to start to pursue my own path. And they totally got that.

They were like, go, you can't get out of here fast enough. You know, and then our relationship strengthened because of that. And so I didn't know exactly what I was gonna do when I moved to California. I just figured somebody will see something in me. Oh my God. So how did you get into comedy? I got a DUI when I was 21 years old and I was using my sister's ID to drink in California

because I moved out there when I was 19. So my mom gave me my sister's ID to drink in California, because I moved out there when I was 19. So my mom gave me my sister's birth certificate and I was like, how am I going to get into bars and stuff? And she's like, I'll give you your sister's birth certificate. Don't tell her, you can use her ID. Go mom. My mom was like, please go too. Just get out of here.

We'll give you as much money as we have, please leave. And so I just want to, just the picture of your dad throwing an old car and new tires. Your mom's like, take your sister's birth certificate and the pocket change I have. Goodbye. Yeah, get out of here. They're like, call us maybe or don't. We're not worried about it.

So I drive out to California and I have an aunt and uncle, they lived in LA. I moved in with them. They had nine children. And it was a two bedroom house with nine kids, four dogs. And a parrot. And a parrot. Yeah, it was a hot mess.

It was ridiculous. And I was like the nanny. Like I had to get up and take the kids to school. And then when I was 21, I had moved out of my aunt and uncle's house. I'm sure they had kicked me out because I was all over the shop. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I had all this energy and I just was like,

what should I do? Should I be an actress? It's like, should I be a model? I'm like, oh, I can't be a model. I'm not going to be that skinny. What are my options? Maybe I'll be an. Then I got this DU DUI and I had been using my sister's ID. And even though I had just turned 21, I gave them my sister's ID. So that was a double whoopsie doodle because I was basically using a fake ID and I got

a DUI. So I was in Sybil County Women's Prison for 48 hours at LA County Women's Prison, which is a giant room filled with bunk beds and women trading bologna sandwiches for tampons. And I was like, fuck this. Like, what have I done? Like, you need to get your shit together. And my aunt and uncle had to put a lien on their house to get me out of jail.

And I got out of jail and I had to go to DUI school, which meant every week I would go to this class and everyone had got up in front of the whole class and they had to tell their story. It was, you know, like shame, you know, like you share your shame. Meanwhile, the whole class was about basically how to get out of your next DUI. The instructor was like, listen, next time you get pulled over, just don't admit to having anything to drink. I was like, well, this is a little bit weird, but okay.

And so I had to go, I had to do like 500 hours of community service, I had to do all this stuff. But anyway, as soon as I found out you had to speak in front of the class, I would just like hide. I'd get in the back of the class in the last row. That surprises me. Yeah, no, no, no. I was so scared to death of public speaking.

I think most people are. Yes. And I would hide. I'd be like, OK, I'm going to get out of this. I knew how to do this in school, how to just disappear and have them forget about you. I went on for 12 weeks or something. It was the very last class. And I was like, I've done it.

And then he's like, Chelsea, you have to get up there. And I got up, and I told my DUI story. And it's a pretty funny story. I called the cop racist, we're both white. None of the details about the story, they were all ridiculous. I was outside of my house,

like I passed my house because I was drunk. Then as I was telling my story, everyone started laughing and I just kept going and I got more and more relaxed and it felt amazing. Then finally the instructor came on stage and it was like, okay, this isn't a standup comedy club. Like wrap it up, like you're enjoying this now. And it's like the opposite of the point.

And I was like, I am enjoying this. And then I got off stage and a bunch of people came up to me, they're like, you have to be a standup comedian. That was so funny. Your delivery, your timing, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, oh, I had never thought about that. And I was like a stand-up comedian.

I was like, okay, that's me talking about my own thoughts. I'm not reading a script. I don't have to read somebody else's dialogue. I have total autonomy. And then the next week, I did my first stand-up set ever at the Laugh Factory. I waited outside, like from two in the morning till like for 24 hours, you had to wait in line.

And I got on stage and did three minutes of stand-up comedy. So one of the worst decisions of my life outside from two in the morning till for 24 hours, you had to wait in line. I got on stage and did three minutes of stand-up comedy. One of the worst decisions of my life, which was getting a DUI, turn into one of the best things that ever happened to me, because I thought maybe I will try stand-up, maybe that's perfect for me. Then that was it.

Then I just started doing stand-up. That is hilarious, Chelsea. I mean, you are such an incredible storyteller and there's so many more insights and lessons that we are going to dig into. But first, we gotta take a quick break. So while we're on break, don't go anywhere. I want you to send this episode to your sister,

your mother, your best friend, your coworkers, and let's share the wisdom and the laughter that Chelsea is giving to you and me today. Be generous, and by the time you're done, you and I are gonna come back with Chelsea Handler. So stay with me. Welcome back, it's your friend Mel Robbins. Today, you and I are here with the very funny, very wise,

and very generous Chelsea Handler. You talked about like an ozempic of confidence. My definition of confidence is the willingness to try. Yes, you embody this willingness to try anything. The second that you want something, I'm going to try to get it. The second you have a i'm gonna try to get it the second you have a problem i gotta get away from these people i'm gonna try to do that. And so confidence in my definition is just this willingness to try. And it's in the trying that you prove to yourself that you're capable of doing things that's what builds confidence and so. capable of doing things. That's what builds confidence.

And so in every twist and turn, I want you to make sure as you're listening or watching and spending time with me and Chelsea, that you're getting that she's demonstrating just as, oh, I'll try that. Oh, okay. And so to me, it's fascinating that I don't even know how the hell you prepared to do.

Like if I were going to an open mic night a week from now, I don't even know that I would know how to prepare. Did you do good? But you would. You would figure it out. You would because, and there's a difference between trying something over and over again and it not working, right? Or being open minded enough to try something for the very first time.

True. Right. So sometimes I wouldn't want to tell you to say, okay, keep doing something and beating your head against a wall, but definitely be open-minded enough to make a fool out of yourself one time, you know, because who knows, maybe it'll work out. That's true. Like you say that all the time, maybe it'll work out. And guess what?

It did work out. And it was, and it took me a long time to gain the confidence that I have now after doing it for probably 25 years. No, I was 21, so it's even more than that. But it took for years and years and years, but I knew that I was onto something and I just continued to do that.

And it was a crazy circumstance that led me there, but also part of the ridiculousness that is my life and story. And not to be, not to shy away from that, you know? I'm not proud of getting a DUI, but it's part of how I figured out what I was going to do with my life. Your biggest disappointments and your biggest failures can lead to your biggest successes if you keep your eyes and your ears open and your head up. Well, funny you should say that because you bust your ass for five years, and then you get your first big break in Montreal, and it doesn't go according to plan. So tell us that story.

This is a good story for you to plan. So tell us that story. This is a good story for you to hear. I was the next it girl for this Montreal Comedy Festival, which is basically at the time was the festival to get recognized in this industry or in this standup industry. If you're at that festival, you're on the map, people know who you are. Everyone in the industry that can make decisions about your career is going to be there. There was a lot of buzz about me going to Montreal. I had a special showcase. Everyone who was anyone was coming to that show. Everybody. And I bombed badly. And I had practiced this set. It was a 10-minute set. But just based on everyone's reaction right away, I lost my

confidence and I was like, I started rushing and I was talking too fast and I was like, knew it wasn't going well and then it got worse and it got worse. And I got off stage and I was just like, there was no denying what had happened. And I went back to my hotel room, Zach Galifianakis walked me to my hotel room and was like, you're going to want to sit by yourself for a while. This sucks. And there's nothing I can say to help you. And I was devastated. I thought my career had ended before it had begun. And I just didn't know what I was going to do. I really sat there that night thinking, could I work in an office? Like, what could I do? Do I have to go to college now? Like, how do I begin

again? And I'm like, nothing was an option. And then I had another show the next night. Oh God. But no one came because no one, they were already like, we already saw her. She's not ready. She's too green. She's not ready. And then that show, of course, went great, but nobody was there to see it.

And then I get back to LA. My manager at the time, this guy, Mark Shulbin called me and he said, Grace Wu, who was an executive at NBC, was not at your show in Montreal on Saturday night. She wants to come see you tomorrow night at Lunen Park. And I was like, okay. So I called Lunen Park, I booked myself, I was like, put me up, and I did the savings act set, but I had nothing to lose at this point

because I'd already blown it. How did you psych yourself up knowing like, this is it? Because you must have left Montreal feeling like career's over, no chance, and then you get this call, but now the stakes probably feel higher. You just said, I have nothing to lose, but... No, they didn't feel higher. They just felt like I've already been rejected.

What more could I lose at this point? I've already lost the respect of all of these people that can impact my career, so they don't take me seriously. So I'll just go and do it and we'll see. Like I know I can do it. And so I did it and I crushed it. I had a great set. I got my first development deal that next day.

They called me and they're like, NBC wants to create a sitcom around your life. So what I want to say to you is that you can have the biggest failure of your life and you have no idea what's around the corner. All you have control of is your ability to say yes and to reach out and try. And that's what I did again. And it turned out to change my life forever. Like that changed my life forever.

Only 72 hours went by. So it's such an important story to share because it's applicable to anybody in any part of, and it doesn't matter what you work in and what kind of life you have. That is the truth of the matter. That you have to keep your head up because you do not know when the rainbow is coming.

And they're coming. Right in the book that lightness and darkness follow each other around like partners because they do. Without one, you don't have the other. And I have to remind myself of it often, going through different things in life. You think you get things figured out and then all of a sudden something hits you

and you're like, I have to deal with this again. But you have to know from the experience of having your own life that things can and do work out, especially when your head is like in a state of opportunity and like, okay, you know, I could have said, no, I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna humiliate myself anymore. Instead I was like, okay, you know, I could have said no, I don't want to do that. I don't want to humiliate myself anymore. Instead, I was like, okay, I've got nothing to lose.

I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. You know, I believed in myself. I did. Even though nobody else believed in me, I knew I just needed one person to say yes. Oh, I love that. I love that. Because we all do run around thinking we need everybody. You just need one person. Yeah. And I also love that this is an illustration again

of this trait that I want everybody to have and that you demonstrate, which is the call comes, a lot of us would be like, I can't. I can't do that. I just, I need time. I got to figure it out. I'm not ready. And you're just like, all right, I'll try. I'll figure it out. Like in not ready. And you're just like, all right, I'll try. I'll figure it out. Like in so many instances and twists and turns,

it's you're willing to double down and just trust in your capacity, not necessarily to nail it, but just to do it and survive if it doesn't go well or to do it and surprise yourself in case it does, to say yes, to try. It's so cool. It's so cool. You know, one of my favorite stories that you write about in this book, I almost dropped the book honestly, was a story where you get an email from Jane Fonda

and the email says, Hi Chelsea, it's Jane. I was wondering if you could come over to my house for dinner. I'd like to talk to you about a couple things. But my husband says, Mel, I need to talk to you about a couple things. I'm like, Oh my God, what did I do? When you got that email, like how did you feel? And then I'd love for you to set the context and tell us what happened when Jane invited you to her house and talked to you about a few things. Well, I got the email and I knew right away because we're women and we know exactly, instinctively, when something's off or if there's a vibe. And I knew just from the tone of that email, like I was being summoned.

And then I wrote back, of course, I'll come to dinner any night. And she's, and then she wrote back, how about tonight? And I'm like, oh, tonight. What does that mean? I called my best friend. I'm like, Jane Fonda wants me to come over and she's like, what do you think this is about? I'm like, I don't know, but I don't know, but I don't have a good feeling.

So I went over to her house and her chef came over and was like, do you want a martini? And I was like, no, no, you know, I'm going to be sober for this part. Like what's coming? I'm not sure what's coming. Like, what is this going to be sober for this part. Like what's coming? I'm not sure what's coming. Like what is this going to be about? Were you guys friends?

Yeah. Okay. We had been friends. I hadn't spoken to her in a few months, but she started the meal by telling me, she goes, you may have noticed I was a little chilly towards you at this John Lewis fundraiser we were at for the old congressman who since, you know, passed away. He was at Shonda Rhimes' house. I had seen her.

But again, I wasn't grounded and rooted at this time in my life to know that she was blowing me off at that party. It was a fundraiser. She kind of brushed past me. I was like, oh, that's weird. She must be busy. Like, I wasn't, I wasn't, I knew the tone of that email because it was in the light of day

and I was sober and grounded. If fundraiser, there was a lot of people around, you know, you're mixing, blah, blah, blah. So I didn't take it personally, I just thought, oh, I definitely clocked it, but I didn't overthink it. Right. Right. So she said, you may have noticed

I was a little chilly towards you and I wanted to talk to you. You were at my birthday party or a party. I don't even think it was her birthday. It may have been a birthday party. It was a party she had at her house. She said, you were awful. You were awful to people.

You were obnoxious. You were in a terrible mood. You had a dark, dark cloud of like hanging around you. I don't know what drugs you were on. And quite frankly, neither did I, because I was like, wait, hold on don't know what drugs you were on. And quite frankly, neither did I because I was like, wait, hold on a second, what party? And then I kind of vaguely remembered the party. I remembered the party, but I was like thinking about what interactions. And just in that moment, I knew don't, don't, don't defend yourself right now. I had started

therapy at that time in my life, just weeks prior I had started and thank God because one of the first things I learned was, don't defend yourself. Like, if you're defending yourself, then you're admitting that something's wrong. If you don't have to defend yourself, then you don't have to, which is such a valuable lesson, because defensiveness is just so, ugh.

And she said, I don't know why you would ever come out in a mood like that. Why would you come to my party in that mood? And she didn't say I ruined her party, but it left a bad taste in a lot of people's mouths. And I said, I'm so sorry. I am so grateful that you've taken the time to sit down with me and say this to me, because that in and of itself is such a demonstration of sisterhood. Like that is the definition of sisterhood, is to tell somebody the truth when it's inconvenient

for you to do so and to be a sister. And in that moment, it was such a light bulb went on about the type of woman that I wanted to be and a reminder that I had gotten off track. And she was the type of woman, and is, always. She's somebody I admire more than probably anybody in my life, Jane. She demonstrated to me exactly the type of woman that I wanted to become. Somebody who was going to tell the truth when it's inconvenient. She could have just avoided me for the rest of her life, you know, and just never said anything. But she chose to take that time. And she said

some powerful things to me that night. I said to her, you know, you're never going to have to speak to me again about any bad behavior. Like this, the first time will be the last time. And that's how I feel about big mistakes. You make the first time the last time. And that's a Maria Shriver quote, so I don't want to pretend that it's mine, but I heard her say that in an interview many, many moons ago. And I believe that.

I don't want to go to summer camp. I don't want to learn the lessons twice and three times. I want to learn the new lessons. I don't want to date the same asshole twice. I want to date him once and learn my lesson. She did say powerful things. You write about this on page 27 of I'll Have What She's Having. She told me, go find out what your problem is,

because your gifts are plentiful. And sometimes people with the most gifts have the easiest time throwing them in the trash. Don't be a product of your environment, Chelsea. Make your environment be a product of your environment, Chelsea. Make your environment be a product of you. What does that mean to you? Make your environment be a product of you. It means like sprinkle your goodness around, you know, sprinkle your fairy dust around. First of all, find your fairy dust. Find out what your thing is, what you're good at doing, what you're good at spreading, and then go impact other people's lives.

Don't just go to jail and act like everybody else that you see. Go like raise the stock in jail, you know? Wherever you are, make it a better place. One of the things that I love about that story is it is so easy when somebody pisses you off or when you feel slighted or annoyed with them to just write them off or to be cold and bristly and never actually give them the feedback. And what that story illustrates is not only sisterhood, but it is a beautiful way, even though it's hard to do, to have that kind of conversation with somebody

about their behavior and how it impacted you. But what it also illustrated is that she saw the bigger and better version of you. She held out a different vision for who she knew you were versus the way you were acting in those circumstances. And if you can think about even in your own life, whether it's a sister or a friend or somebody that you care deeply about that's disappointing you or pissing you off and you're busy venting or gossiping or writing them off, imagine being the kind of person, right?

That you could hold out a better vision for somebody else and actually share with them that their behavior doesn't match because that opened a door for you, didn't it? Like, how did that change you? Well, it changed me with, I've done what she did for me to other women, which are also, you know, stories in the book

where I've said to other women, I've told them the truth when, mean, I'm, I do that anyway, like, it's pretty unwelcome sometimes, you know, but I've learned how to kind of do it in a more careful way. After going to therapy and understanding how strong of a personality I have, I've, I've, I've learned to understand that it's not for everybody. You know, certain people need a different touch. But I've definitely gone out of my way to help women see themselves more clearly and see what the problems that they were experiencing are, where they're coming from. It doesn't even have to be a friend. It just has to be a woman, you know, or a man. I mean, I obviously am a woman, so my natural predilection

is towards other women. But I've done it with men too. And I just think it means so much to take the time out of your life to go, hey, I want to try and help you here. And I'm not going to leave you hanging. We can follow up and we can still talk about this. But I want I want to let you know how I'm seeing the situation as an objective outsider or somebody who's inside. Chelsea, I just cannot get enough of you. I think you have some of the best takes on life and the best wisdom to share.

So what I want you to do while we take a short break right now is I want you to share this episode. Text it to somebody who's playing small. Text it to somebody who's doubting themselves right now and let them know you're behind them. Share it with somebody who wants to live a brighter life. And when you're done Sharon, don't you dare go anywhere because Chelsea and I are gonna be waiting for you after a short break. So stay with us. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. And today you and I are talking about how to stop playing small and start living a bigger

life, how to gain more confidence from none other than Chelsea Handler. So you were talking about that you had just started therapy and in your book you write about how you were scared of therapy and you also talk about how you were scared of therapy and how you were scared of therapy. And I want to talking about that you had just started therapy and in your book you write about how you were scared of therapy and you also talk a lot about how you had started having panic attacks and in fact I remember you did a special where you're sitting behind a desk once because your leg was shaking.

And so what was it in therapy that you started to recognize about yourself? I got the gift of self-awareness, first of all, which is a beautiful gift. I dealt with my brother dying, which was delayed grief that had turned into anger and rage, which was what I was experiencing at Jane Fonda's party, using drugs and alcohol to cover something up or to escape and not really being in touch. I had a lack of intimacy within my relationships.

I was very immature in certain respects. My bombast and all of the things that had worked for me so early on in my career were starting to not work for me anymore. Oprah has that saying where she says everything works for you until it doesn't. And I never understood, I was like, what does that mean? What is she talking about? But it just, all of the things that made me who I was and made me so successful started to kind of stop working. And then I had to look at it. And then there was the election in 2016. And that I had a really bad reaction to because that was somewhere I could place my anger.

Then I had a reason to be angry. Then I was like, how could this happen? But it wasn't about that. It was about me. And it was about being able to be vulnerable about the fact that my brother dying broke my heart, that I was abandoned in my mind, in my little nine-year-old brain, that's what I felt. He told me he was going to be right back, and then he never came back. To me, that was a lie.

Why did he lie? Not that he went off and had a terrible accident. He lied to me. How could he leave me? Getting to the core, I had this amazing therapist who's completely unaffordable, Dan Siegel. I had him on my show. I had a talk show on Netflix for a while and I had him on my show talking about the adolescent brain

and the development of the adolescent brain. And I was like, that kind of sounds like my brain. Meanwhile, I was like 40. And I was like, huh, there's a lot of similarities. I was like, I'd like to talk to you some more. And he's like, well, maybe you should make an appointment. And I was like, no, there's a lot of similarities. I was like, I'd like to talk to you some more. And he's like, well, maybe you should make an appointment. And I was like, no, no, we'll do it on camera. Like, I don't want to get into. And then he piqued my interest enough that I thought,

OK, I'm such a learner. I love learning about stuff. And I was very curious about the brain development and what hurts your brain, what helps your brain. And so I went out it a very like linear approach. And I acted like I was, you know, almost getting a degree in psychology. And I remember in one of our very first sessions,

he said, let's talk about your childhood. I was like, my brother died when I was nine, my father, my mom's dead, my dad should die, hopefully he'll die soon. And I was like, but it's not about that. I have no patience. I am angry and I have no patience for stupid people. That was my, you know.

And he was like, okay. But he had to work me because he saw what he was dealing with and that I had this huge veneer and armor on and that it was kind of cracking. And then it was his job to crack me open and he did. And then I, you know, that in and of itself is a whole other experience because that took about two years. And then I was like, okay,

that's enough therapy. Like I got it. I got a lot of lessons here. Learned a lot about my behavior, about why I do the things I do. I learned a lot about empathy, a lot about compassion, and a lot about being more discerning about when I insert myself and express my opinions. And then you become confused because you're like, who is this newer version of me? Is this who I, where's the fun me?

Is this me now? Like this is a little boring. And then you're like, oh, I remember going to dinner parties and like not inserting myself. Cause like one of his big things is like, you don't have to be everyone's entertainment. That's not your responsibility.

You don't have to go light up a room when you're there. And I'm like, okay. So I'd go to dinner parties and then I'd be like really quiet. My friends are like, what's your problem? Why aren't you talking? I'm like, I'm just observing. And like, they're like, this isn't fun. Like we want Chelsea back. And I'm like, I don't know where Chelsea is right now. Like, I don't know if she's coming back. I'm experimenting with some different personalities right now. So it was just a very strange period. And I saw something on Instagram yesterday

where somebody was saying like, it was a therapist and she was saying, you go through these phases and you're so unsure of what's happening and you feel so unsteady, but it's okay because you're growing into the newer version of yourself. And so it was so uncomfortable for a couple, like a couple of years after therapy, subsequent to therapy, I was still like, what is this? And then when I landed

on my feet and really understood who I am and went after all of the things I was having insecurities about, like all of the things that kind of were tipping me over that weren't allowing me to be a tree. What the hell did you have insecurities about? Like honest to God. Just everything like why didn't I relate, like why don't I want a husband? Maybe something's wrong with me. Maybe something's wrong with my personality that I can't even put up with another person. My career, like I went through a period of my career where things weren't going well, and I wasn't getting

opportunities that I wanted to get. But just insecure. You can be insecure about anything, you know, maybe I am too much. Maybe I'm, maybe I'm a narcissist, you know, like maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm unlovable. Maybe I'm all these things. Anything that anyone goes through, I went through. And you know, it was more of a rinse cycle, like It didn't last for very long because I knew it was another instance where I was like, it's up to you to climb out of this.

So keep climbing and keep doing it. I started meditating. I started getting really grounded. I stopped with all of the negative. I stopped gossiping with my friends. I lost a lot of friends because I didn't want to do the shit I used to do. But then I gained so many friends

that are such better friends. You know what I mean? Like, I just thought like, am I a loner? Am I just not meant for this world? Am I in the wrong career? It was a period of two years where I just didn't feel grounded and I didn't feel like I was in my shoes. And what did you learn? Because I think the emotion of anger,

particularly for women, it kind of simmers under the surface, even for women that are a little bit more pulled back and are watchers or people pleasers. There's that sort of resentment, like even with moms that put on the guilt trip, there's that anger that simmers underneath that, that something is owed to me and I'm not being cared for in the way that I deserve based on what I've done. And so I would love to hear if there was any insight that you had in the process of therapy around anger and dealing with anger and what might be underneath it?

Well, what's underneath it is pain, you're hurting, and anger is like your shield. Anger is your way to not be vulnerable. Anger is your way to say, like, I couldn't cry. I couldn't cry about my brother until I was 40 years old until I went to this therapist. I would never allow myself to be vulnerable enough to if someone said, Oh, my God, your brother died when you were 10. I'm like, Yeah, whatever. You didn't kill him. It's not your problem. Like the anger is your shield and

your recovery. You're not angry, you're hurt. And no one came to take care of you. No one said, are you okay? No one did. No one asked me if I was okay, but I wasn't gonna allow anybody to get that close on that subject matter. So I think anytime we're angry, it's covering up hurt. You know, it's like it's blanket. And when you can get to be,

like when you can get to be vulnerable about the fact that you feel hurt, then anything is possible. Then anything is solvable because anyone who loves you or cares about you, as long as you can be honest and be like, this is how it feels. Resentment is the same thing. What are you resentful about? You're hurt, you're in pain, something you feel slight slighted somebody did something to you. Is that about your ego? Is that about something like what's going on with you?

I just came from a situation where I came away feeling resentful and I was like I don't feel good about this I just spent time with a bunch of people that I love Why do I not feel good about this and I had to sit with myself for like three days and I'm like Oh, you're hurt, and you you're resentful because of this, this and this and this. And that's on you. You know, like that's, I've never communicated that. So no one has any ability to even understand how I'm feeling because I've never allowed myself to say, these are the things I need from you. I've never allowed myself to say, these are the things I need from you.

That's a beautiful insight, by the way. Like just that right there. That in those moments, cause it is easy in life, typically with family or close friends or partners or whatever, to just expect that things are gonna go a certain way and then you feel slighted

or you feel like nobody cared. Yeah. And then you're right, the resentment builds up and you think it's on them. But if you really stop and drop in a little bit deeper, it's true. Did you ask for what you need?

Yeah. You're hurt, you didn't get it. But do you even ask for the things and make it clear so people can show up? Which I'm not talking to you right now. You know I'm talking to myself because I'm trying to make sure that this imprints so I don't have so much anger and resentment toward the people that I care about. So I don't have so much anger and resentment

toward the people that I care about. It's also like judgment, you know? Judgment is go right back at you. Like I can be very judgmental. It can be about anything. And every time I catch myself being judgmental, I have to say, what are you doing right now? What is this about with you

that you don't feel good about yourself, that you feel the need to judge someone else? There's nothing more refreshing than a person that has no judgment. It's so true. There really isn't. Like that's the best kind of person there is. Somebody who is judgment free,

doesn't give a shit what you do, what you wear, what you say, and just gets a kick out of you, you know? And it's like, that's great. La la la, say la vie.. It's like, that's great. La la like, c'est la vie. That's really what I want to be. I want to be somebody who doesn't have any judgment. That's the next level.

I can't wait to get there one day. I'm not there yet. It's like when you get annoyed with somebody, somebody grates on your nerves, that's all about you too. Somebody's chewing and that's bothering you, that's about you. Somebody's making noises you too. You know, like somebody's chewing and that's bothering you. That's about you. You know, somebody's making noises you don't like.

That's about you too. That's really not about them. You know, you kind of have to go, why are you, who gives a shit? I'm curious about how all of this work on yourself impacted your comedy. And I'm gonna tell you why. My mom once said something so hilarious.

She goes, why would I wanna go to therapy? So I can find out I hate your father in my life? I think I'd rather just suffer through it, okay? You know, and she was joking, but I don't think so. You know what I'm saying? So was there, were you concerned at all that you'd like lose your edge or that, you know, in that two year period, because even if you don't go through therapy, if you have something

horrendous happen or surprising happen, go through a horrible breakup, you lose your job. Like when the earth shatters beneath you and you lose somebody you love, and you are now dealing with the wreckage and the reckoning of having to create something new. There is that ground shifting of wondering who am I? But when you're doing it intentionally in therapy and then you start to change, and I loved how honest you were about that moment when you say, do I even like this person?

Am I even myself? Did you have a concern that it would impact your comedy or you wouldn't be funny? Yeah, I wasn't even doing stand-up at that time because I was like, definitely not going to be funny. I was like, oh, I'm not funny right now. I had taken a break from stand-up for about six years. I got so burned out. I just went so hard and so fast with everything in my life when I was in my 30s with my show and my books and my stand-up and I burned myself out and that's me. I overfill. I want two glasses, not one. I want to go for it. That's kind of my life. So after that, I took a long break from stand-up and that's when I went to therapy and there's no time during that did I feel funny. I was just trying to figure out who I was and had the luxury to not have to

to do stand-up and I you know I filmed a documentary series that was much more serious for Netflix and I filmed a couple of more serious projects. And that's what I needed to do at that time. Now that I've come back to stand up, I think I've done three specials since I started back up my most recent one being on Netflix called The Feeling that just came out a couple months ago, that adjustment period and that ground shifting period. Once you get through that mud, like you are 10 times the person you were before you got, went through it. You are stronger, you are fitter,

and you are stable, and you are grounded. And then it's all worth it. But that period of time is not attractive, or fun, or appealing, I should say. Well, one of the things that struck me is I love giving books as a gift. This book, I'll have what she's having. I would 1,000% give to absolutely any woman in my life.

Because not only is it hilarious, but you're obvious. I feel like I'm like, not only are you a white woman with blonde hair, I feel like I'm stating the obvious, but you're a hilarious writer. And you have hilarious stories. And there's also such profound takeaways that really surprised me. And one of the most beautiful passages in this book is on page 162. I have become for myself what I've tried to be for every important person in my life.

what I've tried to be for every important person in my life. My own best friend, my own cheerleader. Oh my God, this makes me choke up. My own listener, my mother, my sister. I became my own daughter. What does that mean? That means I got my back. Like when I'm talking to myself and I'm going through something, I'm like, I got you.

I got you. I've been here this whole time and I've gotten you this far and I will get you to the next place you're going to. Why do we forget that? I don't know. I don't know. I needed to hear that today, actually. I needed to hear the words from my own book to me and to you.

Why don't you read it? I became for myself what I've tried to be for every important person in my life, my own best friend, my own cheerleader, my own listener, my mother, my sister. I became my own daughter. How do you do that for yourself? You have to love yourself

and you have to wake up every single day and say, I know you high-five yourself in the mirror every day. I wake up every single day and say I know you high-five yourself in the mirror every day I wake up every single day I look in the mirror and I say what kind of shenanigans are we gonna get up to today you beautiful human being you literally say that I say that yes I mean there are mornings I don't say it but I say I said it this morning I say to myself all the time you're amazing if I see a mirror I time, you're amazing. If I see a mirror, I'm like, you're amazing. Look what you've done, you're incredible.

Like, who the fuck else is gonna tell us that every day? We have to, and we all as women, and to the woman that is listening to this, you know, to, we have to make sure that we remind ourselves every day of our intrinsic and innate value. We are so valuable. Just by the nature of us being here is value and we can add so much value to so many people's lives.

And it doesn't matter if you're a famous person or you're a public person. You either have the ability to do that as a private person with a quieter life. Every time you see a new person on the street, you can smile at them with love in your eyes. You can see somebody going through a hard time at the airport and come over and be like, do you need help? Can I help you? The person that's working in the airport bathroom to smile and say,

how are you doing? Are you having a good day? I always think that's easy to do when you're in a good mood. But when you're in a bad mood, to extend your generosity when you don't fucking feel like it, that's like next level. When you're in a bad mood and you see somebody that's struggling and you're like, I'm gonna take myself out of myself and go and think about someone else for a second, guess what you're accomplishing two things.

You're helping another person and then you're healing your anger. Because then you realize right away it's not about your smallness and whatever is upsetting. You know what I mean? So true. It's so true You know another thing that you said that I love is you said after years of therapy you realize Sometimes you just need to let go it doesn't have to be a war and Nothing feels like winning more than not losing your temper. How did you learn how to not lose your temper? From Dan Siegel. Dan Siegel taught me that. I used to have the craziest temper. Now when I get mad, like I've been dealing with a lot of personal stuff that's not, it's material

stuff so it's not worth discussing on this. It's still, it's taken a toll, right, on me, on my relationships, on a lot of things. It's taken a toll. And now, if I, when I do get upset and I get bad news regarding that matter, which seems never ending at times, I retreat. I don't, I'm not rageful. I don't yell. I just go away. I become silent and I stick to myself because no one deserves my anger. No one. Especially not you. Right. And that would be the next step, that I don't even deserve my anger. But I recover much more easily because of Dan and I don't outwardly rage. I don't yell at people.

I don't scream at anyone. I used to, I'm so embarrassed now. It's such a loss of control. I mean, even if I'm having a stern conversation with someone, I'm not yelling at them. You know, if someone's an asshole on a plane, like a man is treating the flight attendant in a bad way, I will say something, but I will say it with calm

and in an indignified way because then it can't escalate. You can't argue with somebody who's being reasonable. That's true. So the biggest victory of all is to not lose your temper. You actually dedicate your book to flight attendants. I love flight attendants. How come? Because they're amazing,

and the shit that they put up with is unbelievable. They have been through it. They are basically hostages when they are up there in the sky. I mean, there are men that go on planes and take their socks off and pick their toes. There was a woman, somebody, people send this stuff to me all the time on Instagram because I've been very vocal about, you know, plane etiquette. It's like keep your feet covered and keep your fingers where everybody can see them. There was a woman who was drying her underwear on a plane, on her, what is that called?

Your desk, your- The tray table? Tray table, yes, your desktop. There was a woman, somebody sent me this, a woman drying her underwear on her tray table. I mean, people have lost it. So flight attendants deserve our respect. We have to always look out for them.

And if they're getting harassed, we have to defend them. Yes, I agree. I absolutely agree. You say that joy is your purpose. What does joy mean to you? means lighting things up, you know like Lighting things up walking into a room and making sure people feel good about you being there making sure you see people Lighting them up, you know, especially the people that don't get

the attention, you know get the attention. You know, like being on stage now for me, like I've recalibrated by taking that break that I took six years. Like I've recalibrated. I'm so sharp and so focused when I'm on stage now, when I'm touring, when I, my specials, like I'm so much more aware of the gift of laughter. That, you know, like nothing brings me more joy

than seeing two people, strangers in my audience, laughing hysterically together and kind of like leaning on each other. Like that to me is the gift. Like, oh, I get to give you that. You know, you forget for an hour that the world is a crazy place and whatever's happening. Like I get to give you that.

And now I'm at a stage in my life because of the work that I've done where I, I'm, I'm so, I honor that. Like I, I, I'm, I'm so appreciative when I walk out on stage, I can't wait to get on stage. I would never complain about it. And whereas when I was younger, I'd be like, I'm so tired. I can't do this. Eh, eh, eh, eh, you know, like just spoiled.

Yeah. And, uh, just gratitude, really being grateful about every opportunity that I have. And even if, you know, I just did a European tour, I did like 17 countries in 25 days. Oh my gosh. I hear I'm negative. I'm sorry, but that's... It's crazy. It's crazy. But it was so beautiful.

Like when I was younger, I would have been like, why isn't this, there's only a thousand people, why aren't there 1,500 people? But this time, in those instances, on the nights where the shows weren't sold out, I was like, no, I'm here to perform for the people that are here. I'm here to inject joy into their lives. I'm not focusing on the people that are not here,

I'm focusing on the people that are here. And so that mind switch about almost everything. You can apply it to anything. Like you chase certain friends, but are you actually grateful for the ones that are here? You know, you chase the parties that you're not at, but are you grateful for the people who actually show up when you need them?

Right. There's so much to apply to that because we see what's not, or we see what we don't have, or what's lacking, instead of really being present to the thing that's right there in front of your face. It's so beautiful. Yeah. So beautiful. You write this passage at the end of the book that I just loved.

If you open up your copy and you start on page 193, I would love to have you read from your blockbuster bestseller, I'll Have What She's Having. Okay, this is to the person who's with us right now, sending you lots of love too. My middle name is Joy, and I now understand that joy is my purpose in life, to bring joy, comfort, understanding, dependability to anyone who needs it. This joy that I want to spread and create doesn't come with any conditions. I am the wind blowing through a storm, the jolt of energy that I can bring to people who are in desperate need of a life boost. I am here for women. That is my purpose. I am here to lift, to inspire, and to listen.

There is not a woman in need that I wouldn't try to help pull out of whatever hole she is in to help lift her up. I am here for every member of the LGBTQ plus community and for any person who does not feel seen. I'm here for the underdogs and I'm here to demonstrate compassion, empathy, and love. Once I identified my purpose, my bright bulb and I am here to demonstrate compassion, empathy, and love. Once I identified my purpose, my bright bulb and effulgence began to shine.

I am able to find joy in times of despair and generosity in times of strife. My life has become even more than I could have imagined as a little girl sitting on my lawn waiting for the brother who never returned to explain himself to me. And now I want you to flip to page 299 and read that last part to the listener. Now it's your job to keep that candle lit and not to let anyone, including yourself, blow it out. You are effulgent, you are true,

you are a bright beam of generosity. Don't stop what you're doing because you are on your way to great things. Hold on to the light, look in the mirror every day and tell yourself, hello beautiful, what great things are we going to get up to today? See, I do say that. That's even in the book. Yes you do.

What I love is that it feels very full circle because what Jane said to you, don't let the environment change you. You be yourself and change the environment. And that's exactly what you've done. And I keep having this vision of you. I don't know what award ceremony you were hosting, but it feels like this perfect vision of the woman that you are today. You're standing on stage, you look absolutely devastatingly spectacular, you are commanding the room, all eyes are on you, everybody's laughing, you just are holding the space, you are at ease, you're having fun, you're wearing this gorgeous column dress and you have a cast on.

And what I love about this image of you, now that I've gotten to devour your book and to really get to spend time is that that's you healing in front of us all and standing in your power. I am so proud of you. Oh, I love you. I love you too. That's so beautiful. Thank you for saying that. I mean it. Yeah.

Like it really just struck me. Like this image just came to me of you standing there and I can see the column dress and the heels that were like, I don't know, skyscraper high, but then you had this cast on. That's representative of all the beautiful things that have come together and how you stand before us and show us how to heal ourselves and have fun and hold space for ourselves. It's so funny that you say that.

It's so funny because the Critics' Choice Awards, which I've hosted for the last three years and I'm hosting again this year, I got a shoulder infection. I ski in Whistler in the wintertime. I love skiing. So I was in Whistler, Canada and I came home and I got this PRP injection and right away I was like, this doesn't feel right, something's wrong. They're like, it's fine. It's going to be in a flame for a little bit. I go back to wrong. They're like, it's fine, it's gonna be in flame for a little bit.

I go back to LA, they're like, oh, you have a staph infection, we have to surgically operate. And I was like, what? And they're like, you can't ski, you can't do anything. I'm like, I have to film my birthday ski video. I do this annually in my bikini, every year I've rented a mountain,

like I have to ski. And they're like, no, you're gonna get a pick line in your arm, and you're gonna get intravenous injections every 24 hours, and you're gonna have to ski. And they're like, no, you're going to get a pick line in your arm, and you're going to get intravenous injections every 24 hours, and you're going to have to travel with a nurse for the next 30 days. And I'm like, what? So I'm like, okay. Okay, fine.

I'm going to make the best out of a bad situation. I was like, obviously, somebody wants me to rest, right? You can't drink, you can't do anything, I'm miserable. But I'm like, I can't lift my shoulder, I can't do anything. And I'm like, but I got to film my birthday video. And I get my, and I'm like, we got to do it. And they're like, you really shouldn't be doing that, you know, with your pick line and da da da.

And then I had to host the Critics' Choice Awards, right? Like a week after that. So I flew my friends to this mountain in Idaho. And we do the shoot, I have like 40 women show up and we do this beautiful ski video in our bathing suits and this mountain. And I'm like, I can get it up for this. You know what I mean? Like I'm sick, but I can do this. Like I'm tough. And then I was like, but you know, for the Critics' Choice Awards, I'm going to have to get this thing taken out. Like, I'm tough. And then I was like, but you know, for the Critics' Choice Awards, I'm gonna have to get this thing taken out. Like, it's an ace bandage, I look gross.

Like, and they're like, you can wear a long-sleeved dress. I'm like, I'm not wearing a long-sleeved dress. Like, I'm already hot all the time. And I was like, I'll get it taken out and then they'll reinsert it, you know, when I get back that night. And then the day before the Critics' Choice Awards, I'm like, who gives a shit?

Who gives a shit about my pick line in my arm? Like, I'll either make a joke about it or I won't. I'm like, I am gonna go out there and crush it and not care that I have something on my arm. That's not gonna take away from anything that I have to say. And so for you to say that to me just now was just like the beautiful like

Ending to that story because I did I was like I'm not doing that. I'm okay This doesn't impact me and I'm gonna do it. Like if anyone could do this, it's me, you know That's how I felt that night. So thank you for saying that I welcome I hadn't thought about that moment in a long time yeah, and that's like, to me, like just such a beautiful image of the woman that you are. And it's a beautiful message to all of us. Nobody gives a shit, but you. Yeah.

And so if you don't give a shit. And if you don't give a shit. And if you're willing to just do your thing and stand in your power, that's the secret. Yeah. That's the secret. Yeah. That's the secret. You're amazing. What are your parting words? I would say off of the back of that conversation,

that bringing the vibe is so important to your life. Like you're in charge of your vibe and you're in charge of how you're gonna make people feel. And think about that. Don't just exist. Think about how you're existing and what vibe you're bringing. Are you going to be positive? Are you going to cheer people on?

Are you going to help them? Are you going to be sensitive? When you're in a bad mood, maybe don't bring that around everybody, but bring the vibes. What vibe do you want? What do you want people to feel like after they've spent time with you? You know, I want people to feel inspired and I want people to feel a little bit more confident. And I want people to like,

spread that to other people. And so I would say to women specifically and to our friend who's here with us today, that you're incredible and you have a reservoir of strength you don't even know about, and to use it for good. Well, you accomplished what you set out to do. Thanks for not only showing up, but bringing the vibe and inspiring us all. I love you, Chelsea Hammer.

I loved it. This is so fun. Oh, so fun. You're so good. You're so good. You're so good. I'm so happy for you. Thank you. It's just wonderful. It is wonderful.

And you want to know what else is wonderful? The fact that you took the time to be here with me and Chelsea, that you listened all the way to the end or you watched all the way to the end on YouTube, you just soaked it all in. And it's going to be wonderful when you take everything that you learned today and just go for it. Why not declare what you want? Why not play a bigger game?

Why not just try? I mean, what if it all works out? And one of the coolest revelations from reading her book, from being with her and you today, is just how much more difficult we make our lives when we hold on to anger or we don't allow ourselves the freedom to declare what we want. And so this is your permission slip to be unapologetically you,

to claim the things that you want, and instead of walking to the end of the plane, sit your butt down in first class like you belong there that you want. And instead of walking to the end of the plane, sit your butt down in first class like you belong there because you do. Alrighty, in case no one else tells you, I wanna tell you, I love you. And I believe in you. And I believe in your ability to stop playing small

and to live a bigger life and to tap into that confidence that we both got infused with today. I can't wait to see what you do with this and what happens in the lives of the people that you share this with. And I'll be waiting to welcome you into the very next episode, the moment you hit play. I'll see you there. What time is your flight? So we, oh, I know you got to get out of here. We're fine. I have my

flights at like seven or something. So we're all set. Get you out of here. I haven't seen Doug in two months. What? How do you deal with that? He is honestly one of the best dogs I've ever met. One of the best looking dogs. I'm so proud of his looks. I can't get enough of his looks. He is so just good looking.

I mean, just a stud. He really is. I know, I know. And what a nice guy. I know, he's a good boy. What a nice guy. I know. He's a good boy.

What a nice guy. He is. Like, what have I done? Like, you need to get your shit together. Nobody gives a shit. But you. Yeah. I gotta get my glasses because I'm old.

Hold on a second. Am I reading the same part you just read? And I was like, fuck this. My assistant's put an Apple AirTag in almost everything that I travel with and I've been gone for so much so all their batteries are dead. So all I hear are Apple AirTags all day long going I travel with, and I've been gone for so much so that all their batteries are dead. So all I hear are Apple AirTags all day long going, do, do, do, do, do, do. I thought you had a house around here. Aren't you building a farm? I don't have a farm. I got enough shit to take care of the food and the energy

and the East Coast vibe. Like Boston is like a city I would would live in if I could. I might one day, actually. Thank you so much, Alyssa, thank you. I really love you, like I slaughter something. You can relate, you understand our struggle. Lots of ice. Lots of ice. Fucking baseballs. Oh my God.

You're amazing. I am so proud of you. Oh, I love you. That's so beautiful, thank you for saying that. Oh, and one more thing, and no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.

Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.