The Mel Robbins Podcast - How to Let Go: 2 Simple Ways to Find Clarity & Move On

Episode Date: October 17, 2022

How do you know if the thing you’re holding on to is something you should keep fighting for or if it’s time to let go?  Phenomenal question. I’ve got the answer.  The truth is, most of us never let go.  You spend a lot of time adding things into your life – new projects, new relationships, new stuff – but when was the last time you *subtracted* something? I’m talking about all the things you hang on to, even when they’re no longer serving you or helping you grow. The stuff that you know is weighing you down and sucking your energy dry, but you can’t seem to drop it.  I’ve got the solution for you. I’m about to walk you – literally – through a strategy that nobody talks about. It will help you let go of what’s a pain or a drain in your life.  Are you staying in a job you hate? Do you keep hanging out with that friend who brings you down? Holding on to those too-small pants because you’re hoping to one day fit into them again? As the late, great Pulitzer and Nobel prize winner Toni Morrison wrote, if you “want to fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.” By the end of this episode, you’ll understand how to start letting go of what doesn’t serve you to create room for growth. And, you’ll learn the two things you must let go of today. Get ready to step into your new potential and unlock the magic of your life. Aren’t you ready for that? I know I am. Let’s do it! Xo Mel For full show notes, visit www.melrobbins.com

Okay, today on the Mel Robbins podcast, I'm going to take you on a hike with me. The trees around us here in southern Vermont. They're all starting to change colors and drop their leaves. And on the trail all kinds of leaves have now fallen to the ground. And it makes me think about the fact that one big theme that we don't talk enough about when it comes to change or improving your life in order to change. And that's what we're going to talk about today. Letting things go to make room for new things to spring. I might have to continue this episode in the studio, given that I am huffing and puffing so much on this trail that you're not going to be able to hear the words coming out of

it now. So I started reflecting about the topic of Letting Go on that hike yesterday because I got a really fantastic question submitted on our website through one of the forms. And it was from a listener named Cheryl and she asked, Hey, Mal, how do you know that the thing you're holding onto is something that's meant to be let go of? Versus fighting for it even harder. I mean, do you have any thoughts or tools that would help me discover whether I should let it go or could you encourage the universe to bring that epiphany along for me? In other words, how do I know when it's time to let go?

Cheryl, thank you. Thank you so much for taking the time to write in and ask a question that is on so many people's minds. I know I have a hard time wondering when is it time to let go? And here's the other reason why this is such an important question. One of the most important aspects of creating a better life being a happier person is being able to get rid of the things in your life that aren't working for you. I mean, who says that your life is supposed to be some terrible struggle full of negativity

all the time? And when it comes to changing our lives, we often think about adding things. What if we were to subtract some things? What if we were to get rid of things that aren't working for you? What if we were to hit the delete button on the negativity? Wouldn't that be awesome? Consider that the best place to begin changing is by subtracting and letting things go. How about we get rid of some old thinking patterns that don't service anymore?

What about some of those stale relationships that aren't giving you the return on the investment? Wouldn't that be awesome? But here's the question, Cheryl's asking, how do you know when it's time to do that? Now to get into this topic, how about you and I start with the metaphor that I was trying to talk about on that trail on Haystack Mountain yesterday. Here in the United States, it's autumn. It is gorgeous. And we are all about harvest and cornstox and the trees turning orange and red and yellow. And I'm ready to make some pumpkin bread. I love this time of year. And look, I realize that

it may not be fall where you are right now. It might be summertime. That's cool. Don't get hung up on the fact that I'm using fall as a metaphor to talk about letting go. I personally believe whenever and wherever it is that you are listening to this episode, even if it's two years from now. You're listening to this right now because you're meant to hear it right now. Because there is a new season that needs to begin in your life. And that new season can't begin until you let go of the things that are no longer serving you. That's how change works. Which brings me back to Cheryl's question, how do you know when it's time to let go? The answer is simple.

If holding on is holding you back, it's time to let go. Starting today, you are gonna use this rule. If it's a drain or a pain, let it go. That's what a tree does in the fall. And I love this topic, and I realize, you know, back in elementary school, we learned all about

chlorophyll and the life cycle of a tree. But I had forgotten most of this stuff. So check this out. The reason why a tree has leaves in the first place is because the tree needs to convert sunlight into energy in order to grow. That's the purpose of a leaf. sunlight into energy in order to grow. That's the purpose of a leaf. The leaves are there to take that sunlight in and convert all of that sunlight boom right into this positive force that helps a tree grow. And guess what the tree does? In any good relationship, there's a given a take. So the tree gives the leaves something back. It gives it a ton of water. And this process, this process of leaves sprouting

from the branches in the spring and growing and becoming these big, flat, beautiful things with a big surface area so that the sun can hit the leaves and then the leaves can convert it into energy so that the tree can go for a teeny tiny little acorn into a mighty oak. That takes a lot of energy. And there's this reciprocal nature to the relationship between a tree and its leaves, because the tree

has to bring in all kinds of water in order to make the leaves grow in order to keep the leaves on its branches. And that brings me to the reason why leaves fall off a tree in the middle of the winter, at least they do here in the United States, because when the ground is frozen and the snow pack is on top, there's no water for a tree to give a leaf. And if those leaves with their big flat surfaces were to stay on the tree all the way through winter, it would be such a drain, it would be more than a pain to that tree. It would kill the tree

because those leaves would suck the tree dry of all the water that that tree needs to survive. And here's an interesting thing about the fall. You know, when you look at autumn and you look at the beautiful photos of these leaves turning, you're like, oh, isn't that gorgeous? And it is gorgeous here in Southern Vermont right now

with the leaves are orange and yellow and red. It's like peak right now. It's so lovely, it's so wonderful. Isn't this amazing? But you wanna know the truth about what's going on? This is not some postcard happen in beneath the surface. There is a violent act going on. Those trees are pushing those leaves off of its branches. The tree is basically going, um, okay, parties over. This friendship has been fantastic.

I have loved having you as a spring and summer fling, but now this is draining. This is draining my energy. I have to give way too much. I'm not getting as much in return in order to save myself. I need to kill you. And thus, the tree starts to pull back on the energy.

The tree starts to let go of that relationship. The tree stops pouring the water into the leaves and starts saving it for itself so that it can survive. I bet you got areas of your life where you're given all your energy into a relationship or into your work or into some old dumb worry or thinking pattern and you've been doing it for years and it makes you feel drained. It's a complete pain. This is why you're last on your list. This is why you can't put yourself first because

you're putting all your energy into something else and you're not getting anything in return, or worse, you're getting something negative in exchange for your positive effort and your positive energy. That's what the fall season is for a tree. The fall season for a tree is basically to go, thank you. Thank you for helping me these past couple seasons. You are amazing. I got energy from you. You got water for me, bottabing, bottabomb. But guess what? I got to let go right now. Because if I hold on to this, I'm going to die. And that's going to be a slow and painful death. And so it's time for me to let go. And I'm being dramatic about this, because you

are holding on to things that are draining your life force. You are holding on to things way past the season it should be in. You are holding on to relationships, you're holding on to old thinking patterns that are slowly killing you and you know it. And the fact is, in order to grow, in order to be strong, in order to be the best you, yes, you have to surround yourself with relationships and work and projects and friendships and habits that are going to give you a positive return for the energy and time and effort that you give it. But in order to make room for all that new stuff, we got to start subtracting the crap

that's dragging you down. Remember what I said earlier? Simple rule. If it's a pain or a drain, let it go. That's how you identify what needs to go in your life. That's how the universe tells you. Knock, knock, knock. It's time to let go.

The second something in your life becomes an energy suck. It's a pain, it's a drain. That's when you gotta stop holding on to things, okay? As the late and great Pulitzer and Nobel Prize-winning author Tony Morrison said, wanna fly? You gotta give up the shit that weighs you down. Whether it's a friendship or a romantic relationship

or a job or some habit or place that you live, when you realize that this shit is holding you back, it's time to drop, it's time to fly. Because you're not going to fly when you got shit holding you down. And you know exactly what I'm talking about. You have put so much energy into something, that's why you feel depleted.

Instead of those leaves or that project or that person withering away and falling to the ground, oh, you've been holding on. Oh, you've been allowing that negative energy in. You maybe even are now starting to give out negative energy because you feel so darn depleted. You gave it all to everybody else. You didn't say anything for yourself. Well, guess what? That's not happening anymore. Because when we come back from a short word from our sponsors, which I also want you to listen to, by the way, because our sponsors, they're the reason why I can show up here twice a week.

There's a positive exchange between the relationship that we have with our sponsors. They pay for the show, which is why I can show up for you and be crazy enthusiastic and creative and bring you all this awesome content for free all around the world. So how about we give them some positive energy back, okay? Because they support your growth because they're supporting this podcast. Take a listen, but then don't you go anywhere because when we come back, we got a lot to cover.

Because now you know the simple rule. If it's a pain or a drain, you're going to let it go. Now we got to identify all the areas in your life where you're pouring positive energy into something. And you're getting nothing in return because you deserve to fly. So let's identify the shit that's weighing you down. And then I have another tool to share with you. I call this one Remove or Redirect. Wherever it is that you're feeling this pain or this strain, you're going to either remove it or you're going to redirect that negative energy

towards something else. And then we got so much to cover, I'm going to ask you to stop doing two specific things starting today. These two things are draining your energy and you probably don't even know you're doing them. And here's why I'm going to ask you to do that. Because the Mel Robbins podcast, it's not just a thinking podcast, it's a doing podcast. And we got a lot to do, so don't you go anywhere, because we're going to be right back. It's really green right now, which means these trees are holding on to it. Chlorophyll,

that chlorophyll is coming through, but in literally a matter of days, is coming through, but in literally a matter of days, the green is going to leave those leaves. Yellow, orange, red, brown, purple. It's going to take over, and those leaves will have served their purpose, and they will all of a sudden wither away and fall to the ground. That was Mel Robbins, your friend, who has a degree in botany. No, just kidding. I want to touch on one point from what I said on the trail, before we get into this energy exchange, and how you're going to use your intuition,

and the fact that you deserve to have an exchange, a reciprocal nature to what you give, and what you receive back from it, when the leaves are green. The leaves are bringing energy to the tree, and the tree is returning energy in the form of water. The reason why the leaves start to change is because the tree starts to pull back. The tree starts pulling back on the amount of water that it is sending to the leaves. The tree is starting to let go. The leaf no longer serves a purpose, and this is an important thing to say. Because so often, purpose. And this is an important thing to say. Because so often, we have trouble letting go of friendships, of habits, of jobs, of, for me, where I lived and raised our kids for 26 years, we recently sold our home and by God, I held on to that for probably two years longer than we needed to because I had trouble

letting go. But what I want you to focus on is that when something has a purpose in your life, that's an amazing thing. And it's also normal for something to serve a purpose during a specific period of time and to no longer serve a purpose in your life now or in the life you want to create. And so when you honor that a friendship served a purpose, and a really good example of this, is you know how whenever you have a new job or you move on apartment or you move to a city that all of a sudden the patterns in your life change and your friendships change. And your friendships change because now you're doing different things.

You're bumping into different people. It doesn't mean that you're no longer friends with the people that you used to hang out with at work, but the friends that you had at work served a particular important purpose during that period of your life. There was an equal exchange back and forth what you gave, you received back. It's why you ate lunch with the same people every day.

You enjoyed them and they enjoyed you. But now that you live somewhere else, putting a ton of energy back into that relationship when you're not gonna get the same back, it doesn't serve the same purpose. And that's why when you let go of friendships, you also need to let go of the judgment on yourself like there's something wrong with me,

and am I doing something wrong? And do I have any? Of course you have friends. The patterns of your life have changed. You're putting energy somewhere else because you're getting energy from somewhere else. This is the natural cycle of life. It's the natural cycle of relationships.

And I find that when you really honor the things that you need to let go of, whether it's a job you no longer like, or a house you no longer wanna live in, or a friendship you don't see very often, or maybe it's some habit, maybe it's some habit that you used to have. So when you say something serves a purpose, you actually honor, you honor the energy

it used to give you, you honor the fact that you put something into it, and you You honor the energy it used to give you. You honor the fact that you put something into it. And you also honor the fact that not everything is going to be in your life forever. And that's what allows you to let go. You start to let go when you realize that holding on to things is holding you back. And in particular, holding on to the guilt and the judgment that you layer onto yourself that you should, but I feel guilty, but this, but that. That is definitely holding you back from creating a new life and from creating space for something new to happen. And see, that's one of the reasons why you have to learn how to let go.

Because when you continue to pour your energy into things that no longer give you energy back, it's going to kill you. It's going to kill your happiness. It's going to kill your vitality. It destroys your motivation. It makes you feel depleted. It makes you feel like you're the last on your list. And so that's reason number one. And the second reason why you have to start to let go of what doesn't serve you is because, as long as you are holding on to the old stuff, you have no time, no space, and no motivation to create anything new. Period. And you know this.

So let's now jump into how, how do I use this energy exchange and my intuition to spot the things that are draining me dry and to let them go, push them off the branches, get them out of my life, thank them for their purpose and their service, but get them out of my life, thank them for their purpose and their service, but then get out of here because you need to make room for something new and better and energizing.

Doesn't that sound good? Yeah, you better believe it sounds good, so let's do it. And one of the reasons why I want you to really focus on energy is because your energy doesn't lie. I mean, just for a second with me, just take a second, whether you're out there walking the dog

or you're driving around in your car or you're working from home or you're busy doing a bunch of stuff, I want you to just stop for a second. And I want you to assess right now, what's your energy level? Think about a fuel gauge in a car. Empty to full.

Empty in a human being means you feel depleted, you feel burnt out, you feel checked out, you feel like your whole life is basically pouring energy into everything else. Full in a human being basically means that you're energized. You're excited. You feel like the things that you're pouring yourself into, your habits, your routine, the people you're surrounded

with, the projects you're working on, it may be difficult, but it's bringing energy back into your life too. Your energy never lies. We are energetic human beings, and I know that sounds woo woo. We can get into the neuroscience on that on a totally different episode, but let me prove it to you. Have you ever walked into say a coffee shop? And the person that is behind the counter is having the world's worst day. They are super grumpy. It doesn't matter how big your smile is.

It doesn't matter how nice you are. They are like, hmm, hmm, hmm. That energy impacts you. Just like your positive energy can impact somebody else. And what if the very next morning, you walk into the coffee shop, and you're having a bad day like one of your pets Is really sick and it just is really bumming you out and you're feeling really low and the person behind the counter

Is just the nicest person on the planet and they look you in the eyes and they give you a big smile and they are really Cheery and they compliment you and they maybe even ask you hey, how you doing? You're like, ah, I'm not doing so great. You know, I'm really sorry. Coffee's on me. How do you feel? You feel better because they poured their positive energy into you, and that lifted you up. Energy is contagious. It also always tells the truth. It's like a compass. In fact, a compass runs on magnetic energy. That's why a compass always points true north. And never lies. Your energy doesn't lie either. It's why you feel kind of off around certain people. It's why if somebody texts you and you don't like them, you're like, ugh, but if you like the person, you're like, oh, yeah, cool. Energy never lies. It just can't.

It's just energy. So let's talk about how you are going to use that energy inside you, that intelligence inside you to start subtracting the things from your life that are not adding up. And you know what I'm talking about. So number one, whenever you feel your energy dip into that zone of pain or drain, there's the cue you need. It is time to stop holding on to what's holding you back. Number two, the tool that you're gonna use in that moment, whenever you feel the pain or the drain, is very simple.

Remove it or redirect your energy towards something more positive. So let's talk through a few examples of how you're going to do this. Situation number one is super easy. And this is typically when it has to do with things or projects or a job or somebody who's really, really engaging in toxic behavior, okay? This is the easy stuff. This is when you have a flood of negativity around something, and I'm gonna give you a bunch of examples of this, okay?

So, we all have a pair of pants that we're holding onto from high school or before we were pregnant or whenever that we can't freaking fit into. When you stare at those things, you're reminded that you can't freaking fit into. When you stare at those things, you're reminded that you can't fit in them. When you try to wiggle them on, especially after a shower, you feel terrible about yourself.

That is something that is an example. You need to let go of that. That job that you walk into, where there is a pit in your stomach and you gripe about it to your friends and you spend all this energy pouring into why you hate it and resist it, you need to find another job. That friend that does nothing but gossip

and roll their eyes and drag you down and literally is such a bad influence on you, you need to let him go. And what does that mean? Well, that depends on you. Donate the pants for sure. Start redirecting your energy from complaining about your job to directing energy to looking for a new one.

I mean, just imagine that's the other thing about this. Do you know how much energy and time and effort you waste focusing on resistance and complaining. If you were to just stop complaining for a day about something that gives you negative energy like your job or your parents or your boyfriend or your girlfriend or your roommates, what if you stopped complaining? Because that's negative energy pouring out and you directed that same effort towards something positive, like fixing it, or letting it go, and creating something new that makes you feel good. Like, I relate to that because I think I've spent a lot of my life pouring negative energy at things that I didn't really like, instead of realizing I needed to complete this,

I needed to let this go. The roommate served a purpose two years ago, not a fit right now, and that's okay. Time to kick the leaves off the branches, you know what I'm saying? Time to save myself instead of pouring everything into either another person or my energy into being upset and frustrated and disappointed. So when you have things that are foreshore 100%

zapping your energy, or you find yourself complaining, gripping, resisting, let go. And you can do that in two ways. Obviously, donate, throwout, delete is one. The other one is take all that negative resistance that you feel in you that churns and pour it into something positive.

If you can't quit your job, for example, because you need to pay the bills, no problem. Instead of complaining, instead of feeling resistance, spend 30 minutes every morning before you go to work, looking for a new one. Or spend 30 minutes every morning before you go to work, looking for a new one. Or spend 30 minutes every morning pouring positive energy into a hobby or a project or a side hustle that brings you positive energy. And when you start to do that, you start to lift yourself up because you are now getting

this reciprocal exchange by pouring energy and attention into something new and something positive and that's gonna lift you up. And by the way, that will also change your experience of that current job that you hate. I know this because I've done it. I remember being right out of, let's say, hold was I was 30 years old, I was pregnant with our daughter who's now 23.

We had moved to Boston from New York City, where I had been a public defender. I love that job working for legal aid. We moved to Boston. I do not have a license to practice in Massachusetts, so I could not work for the public defender's office. I have to take the bar, but I've got bills to pay, so I get a job in this huge law firm. And working in a law firm is the exact opposite of being a public defender. When I worked in New York City for legal aid,

I was in court five days a week from eight o'clock in the morning till five o'clock in the afternoon. That was my job. I was on my feet. I was negotiating plea deals. I was talking to witnesses and police officers and judges and pro, like that going to clients clients going to rikers all of it When you get a job in a large law firm

You literally go into a high rise and sit in an office and write all day. It was the exact opposite Of what I am wired to do. I knew the moment I got that job that I was gonna hate it and For a year I would get on the commuter rail and I would commute in for 45 minutes and then I would get off the commuter rail and I would clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp over to the building

and then I would get in the elevator and then I would take the elevator up to like whatever the 23rd floor and then I'd clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp I'd go into my office and shut the door. And from the moment I woke up every morning, I felt depleted. The closer I got to that office as that train clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk,

down the tracks towards Boston, the more resistance I felt, I got nothing in return from that job. Yes, I got a paycheck and I needed it, so it served a purpose. But I was getting nothing of value back. Because when I looked at the partners in the law firm, I knew, damn, well, that's not the life I wanted. I knew that this was not a fit for me, but I'll tell you,

I made the mistake that everybody makes instead of recognizing that that's how I felt. Instead of channeling all of that angst and resistance and ugh into looking for something else, I sat there miserable and I felt depleted and I felt awful and I'm going to confess this to you. I didn't even take the advice then. You know what happened to me? I got pregnant and I had a baby

and I went on maternity leave. And when I was on maternity leave, that's when with distance from it, I was like, okay, there is no way I'm going back there. No way. Now that I have escaped, there is no way I'm going back. And we've all had X's like that, right? Where you're like in it for so long, you finally let it go and break off.

And they're like, what the hell was I thinking now that I'm on the other side? And I'm away from that like energy suck. I don't want to go back to the like energy sucker vampire thing. What the hell? But when you're in it, that negativity vortex can keep you spin and stuck. You convince yourself, but I need the money, but I can't do this, but I don't have it. And then you're so depleted from your complaining and the outpouring of energy and the wrong thing that you're just stuck, stuck, said, that was me.

So I get pregnant, I go on maternity leave, holy cow, I am free from the vortex of negativity, but now I got to go back. And so my husband, Chris, says to me, look, I know you don't want to go back, but here's the problem, Mel. We have a mortgage and we have a baby and you will go crazy being home. And so here's the thing. You need to find a job.

Your maternity leave ends in exactly three months, so that means you have 12 weeks to find a job and you have to make $60,000 a year. That's it. And you know what's interesting? If you give a human being a problem to solve, we get pretty creative. And I'll tell you what, the night before my maternity leave, I not only landed a job. It wasn't for 60 grand, it was for 55, but that was enough.

And I walked in the next day and I let go. I, what do you say? I guess I quit, but you know, they didn't let me go, I quit. But so what I'm trying to say is do not make the mistake that 30 year old Mel Robbins made. Do not do that to yourself. Do not waste a year of your life spinning in that negativity energy vortex.

Your body knows, your spirit knows nose, your spirit, nose. Get rid of those pants. Push that project to the side that you don't feel inspired to work on anymore. Let it go because it is sucking your vitality dry. That's why these situations of the pants that don't fit and the friend that's engaging in toxic behavior or the job that sucks your soul dry.

There is nothing that you're getting in return. Nothing. In fact, what you're getting in return is more negativity. Those genes in your closet make you feel bad about yourself. It's bringing you negative energy. That job that you're complaining about, that you go to day to day convincing yourself, you can't leave, you can't find some, la da da da da da. It's bringing negative energy into your life. And so these situations are super easy to

spot because there's no reciprocal value to the relationship, or the pants, or the project, period. Now what I want to talk about is the more complicated situations. Those situations where it's not clear, where you feel guilty, where maybe you're taking care of an agent parent or a child that's struggling with mental health stuff. And it is depleting as hell. Or maybe you are really struggling with friendship or in relationships because you have old patterns of behavior that you don't realize or interfering with this free, flowing, reciprocal, given take

that really brings amazing things into your life. So when we come back, that's what we're gonna talk about. Because this notion that I'm teaching you of letting go and energy, it's not complicated at all. But life doesn't work that way. Life can get really complicated, and so when we come back, that's what we're going to dig into next. Welcome back.

I want to recap everything that we've covered because here on the Mel Robbins podcast, there is no one left behind. So let's talk about what we've already covered. Number one, we've talked about the fact that in order to be a happier person and create the life that you deserve, you have to learn how to let go of the things that no longer serve you. Number two, you have learned that letting go is a natural and important part of your life cycle.

Whether you need to let go of friendships or a job or a place that you live or habits or the friend group that you hang out with, letting go allows you to create room for new growth, new seasons, new chapters, new adventures. It's only through that growth and those new things that you're allowing yourself to experience that you will come into your full potential and you will unlock the magic in your life. Letting Go is not a bad thing. It's a really good thing. It's a great skill. In fact, you know, I notice in the DMs a lot of you go, you know, but aren't I a quitter? If I quit, no. Winners quit all the time. I actually think it's a losing thing to do,

to hold on to things that no longer serve you. One aspect of being a winner is knowing where to put your focus and knowing when something should end. And so, absolutely, winners quit all the time because when you're quitting or saying no to something right now, that's actually a yes to something else. And when you frame letting go, to be not a no, not a breakup, not something negative, but letting go is letting something else open up in your life. Letting go is a beginning, letting go is about possibility,

letting go is about the magic that's ahead, it's about the future. And so letting go is about the magic that's ahead. It's about the future. And so letting go is so important. And I want you to embrace it. The third thing that we talked about is that you have natural intelligence inside of you. And that may sound all woo-woo. This is science. And we're going to unpack this all the time. Because I'm going to keep coming back to the fact that you have instincts, you have hard wiring, your gut is trying to tell you something and one of the fastest

ways to read that natural intelligence is to pay attention to your energy. If it's a drain or a pain, there's a sign. Either remove it or redirect your energy to something more positive. You have felt what I'm talking about. You know when things are off, you know when you feel depleted, you know when you naturally click with somebody. That is data that matters because it's data that helps you make the changes, the small changes that improve your life. The fourth thing that you've clearly learned is that the best things in life are reciprocal. Even volunteering. Volunteering is a reciprocal act. You want to know why?

When you volunteer and you volunteer your time, you volunteer your energy, you donate money, you always receive something in return, don't you? You feel this sense of meaning. You feel connected to something larger and more important than your day-to-day struggles. That is a reciprocal energy exchange. You get something invaluable back. That's reciprocal. That's why it adds meaning. The best friendships, reciprocal.

You pour in, they pour back. Same thing with your romantic relationships. And all you need to do is to think about that one person you chased, right? That you're constantly going after, should I text her, there, there, there, there, there, all the energy going at them. And yeah, maybe you got an orgasm back,

but then mostly you got negativity because you're constantly insecure, constantly worried, no idea where you stood, always stressed out about it, thinking about it distracted by it. That is not a reciprocal relationship. That is an obsession that's unhealthy for you. So there are things in life that are really hard, that take a lot of energy, things that I hate doing,

things like exercise, I hate exercising, I hate getting out of bed. But once I push through that resistance, right? You learned all about this in the episode called Motivation is Garbage. Once you get the activation energy, which is that force that it takes inside of you to do something that feels hard,

well, what happens after you push through that negativity and you exercise, you get a reciprocal return of positive energy. You feel great about yourself. The same thing is true about my husband who doesn't drink right now. It takes a lot of effort, at least it didn't the beginning, and it was really hard because he had been drinking for a long time. But even though it's hard, it's so worth it.

Why? Because there is this reciprocal return. You start to feel so good about yourself. You sleep better at night. You have clarity, have pride. You're aligned with your values. And that values word is really important because when it becomes even more nuanced, your values is how you're going to create a return of energy in really hard situations.

So I can give you two examples. Any one of you who is caring for an aging parent knows how difficult that is. Any one of you that has a child or a partner who is struggling with mental health issues knows how difficult that is. You also know that you are pouring your energy into caring for this person, and it can be very depleting because the person that is sick or the person that's struggling doesn't often give back what you're pouring in.

It also may be physically demanding because you're working all the time plus you're doing this at night. And so you are tired, it's a fact. So how in those situations do you create this exchange of energy? The secret is values. Tap into your values in order to create positive energy back and to help

you rise above the day-to-day stresses that are temporary. Because the truth is, if you tap into your values, it makes you feel like an amazing human being, knowing that you are there for your mom. It makes you feel like a good person, knowing that you are a compassionate caregiver that is helping your child or your partner through a really difficult chapter. When you start to feel depleted, raise your gaze and look out to the future and feel proud of yourself for acting in alignment with the kind of person you know yourself to be, even though it's hard. That's how you create a positive energy return for yourself in those situations where somebody either doesn't

have it to give back, or the situation itself is really physically demanding. I'll give you another example. I have a friend that is going through a hard time and has been for a long time. And I continue to pour into this friendship, even though I don't get a lot back. Why? The reason why is I get a lot back knowing that if I were in this situation, I would want a friend of mine to stay around and pour into me. And that is what drives me.

That creates that energy exchange. And so you have within you the ability to do things that feel hard like exercising or staying sober or changing your habits or making cold calls. You can do those things that feel difficult. And trust me, you're going to feel proud of yourself, which is why they return on the investment of effort. And you can do things that are draining. And I promise you, they will come back to you with energy

because it makes you feel good about yourself. And I bet you can think of four or five things that you're doing right now that are hard, that you're not even giving yourself credit for. You should be proud of yourself because you're a good person. You keep showing up and that is something you need to celebrate. That's something that you need to feel energized about. And in those times when it gets really hard, remind yourself, this too shall pass. That what goes up also

comes down just like when you're hiking a trail on a mountain. That this is a season of your life. And holding on, holding on to what doesn't serve you is going to drain you. It's going to kill off your happiness, but finding ways to bring energy back in in those situations that are aligned with your values and what you want, that's a power move. And speaking of power moves, there are two things I want you to let go of today, because these are the two big energy drainers, okay? And you can start today. Energy trainer number one.

Any time you're complaining. That's right, complaining to yourself is a complete energy drain, period. We were heading here to the studio, there was a ton of traffic, we were running late, I could feel the negative wave of stress coming, I could feel the depletion coming, I could feel it all happening, I could feel the thought starting to go,

mm mm mm mm mm. That is when you are sucking your own energy dry. I started complaining, should have got it out of place, should have done this, should have done this. Stop complaining. Stop complaining about that job you don't like. Stop complaining about the traffic. Stop complaining about your partner. Stop complaining about your weight.

Stop complaining about the things in your life. And most importantly, stop complaining about yourself. Stop making yourself feel wrong. Let go of the guilt. let go of the perfectionism, let go of the complaining that you aim at you. I'm not only giving you permission to let go of all that. I'm demanding that you let go of complaining completely because here's the truth. With a little bit of effort and a little bit of attitude and a little positive energy,

you can frickin' change anything because you can take the actions that change anything. And so instead of bitchin' about the job, get busy tomorrow morning and start lookin' for a new one. Instead of complaining that you don't have any friends, spend some time putting yourself in activities where you're going to meet new people. This is so important anywhere in your life where you are complaining, you are your own energy

drain because you are pouring negative energy at something instead of redirecting that same effort and attitude and just, ugh, into something positive. So that's rule number one, no complaining. I dare you, try to go 24 hours and not complain about anything today. It's next to impossible. I would love to hear from you if you take this challenge on. Seriously, I would, just tag me on social media.

Tell me how the 24 hour rule is going of no complaining. Rule number two, stop trying to control other people. Stop it. I was at an event in Los Angeles with my friend Kathy Heller. And we took a bunch of questions from the audience. And this particular question from one woman, I can't stop thinking about, how do you stop controlling your friends? You stop. That's how you do it. thinking about, how do you stop controlling your friends? You stop.

That's how you do it. When you catch yourself trying to control someone and then you let go of the desire to change them and you redirect all of that angst and energy toward caring, listening, supporting, creating this reciprocal exchange of allowing them to show up exactly as they are, you get connection back. You're attempt to control somebody blocks connection.

It blocks the exchange between people. And here's one more thing about letting go when it comes to relationships. Maybe, sometimes, the purpose that some people play in your life is simply to teach you how to let go. Now, since we began this episode at the beginning of the trail, the bottom of that mountain, I want to end it at the top of Haystack Mountain. I huffed and I puffed that day all the way step by step to the top and once I got there and I took in the beautiful view I felt inspired to say something to you. The other amazing thing about hiking and being out here in the woods and climbing on top of the mountain is that once you actually get to the top your whole brain distorts how painful it was to pike the trail and go step by step to get where you wanted to go.

But it just goes to show you with just a little bit of consistent effort and an optimistic attitude. Inch by inch step by step, you can make anything happen, especially if you make room for new things to come into your life. I can't wait to hear what you've been inspired to let go of. I would love to hear what tools made the most difference from you if there's somebody in your life that is gripping hard or holding on to things that no longer serve them. Please share this episode because together you've not only made this one of the number one ranking podcasts in the entire world before we even launched but you're also helping us impact and change people's lives

around the world every time you share these episodes or you bring these tools into your life and you use them to make your own experience a little happier, a little more fulfilling. And that has a ripple effect on the people that matter most around you. All right, I love you. I believe in you. And, um, oh, uh, there are dogs barking at somebody.

Y'all out. Stitcher.