The Mel Robbins Podcast - If You Struggle With Anxiety, This Episode Will Change Your Life

Episode Date: February 16, 2023

In this episode, you’re invited to sit in on a really personal and raw conversation with our 17-year-old son, Oakley. Whether you experience anxiety yourself or you’re just worried about someone you love who does, this episode is a powerful gift from my family to you. What Oakley shares based on his personal experience is life-changing. You will hear Oakley describe two periods of anxiety and some pretty scary and overwhelming thoughts that rose up freshman and sophomore years of high school. I am sharing this with you because Oakley is not alone in what he experienced. According to the CDC’s most recent data, anxiety in teens and adults continues to rise, with nearly half surveyed reporting persistent feelings of hopelessness.  Whether you’re an adult or a teen, depression and anxiety are two of those mental health conditions that leave you feeling isolated from everyone because it can seem like you’re the only one having these kinds of overwhelming thoughts. Today, in real-time, Oakley shines a light on what he experienced and how he worked through it. And don’t worry, this isn’t a downer. In typical Oakley fashion, he has me laughing as much as I was sighing. Two really important things come out of this conversation: #1: You get an inside view of what anxiety can look and feel like, and #2, you get to learn about the healing process Oakley engaged in with family, a therapist, his doctor, and medication to work his way through it and back to a clear, confident, and happy state of mind. I want to be clear. Oakley has chosen to share his own personal experience. With his therapist’s help, Oak feels more connected and empowered to ride the ups and downs of life and create deeper meaning in his life. And that’s what we want for you. So many of you write in to thank us for sharing these conversations with my adult kids because they help you open up conversations. Well, today’s conversation is meant to serve the same purpose. You may want to listen to this with people you love.  And please, share this. Share it with teachers, coaches, nieces, nephews, and parents who you know could use these insights. Too many of us try to deal with anxiety on our own. Let Oakley inspire you and the people you love to open up. You are not weird or messed up if you have fleeting dark thoughts, but if those thoughts persist, please reach out to a therapist, family, or friends. You don’t have to go through this alone. And if this topic is not for you right now, bookmark this episode and come back to it at another time. But it is a deeply powerful one you won’t want to miss. Xo Mel  In this episode, you’ll learn: 2:20: Is your loved one resistant to therapy? Here’s what to do.4:15: My son schooled me on therapy and why I should have done it for myself sooner.6:30: I had no idea he was feeling this way.8:40: Oakley describes his panic attack and dark thoughts.14:00: Here’s why Oakley didn’t share his feelings with us.19:30: This is what everyone has to know about big, scary thoughts.23:15: Here’s what Oakley suggests for those struggling.28:00: Oakley’s existential crisis that led to his breakdown.32:30: My panic attacks and anxiety felt like this.33:30: Here’s what we did to support Oakley.34:40: The John Mayer song that had a powerful impact on Oakley.46:45: Here’s where Oakley is now that he’s been working with his therapist.53:00: Two profound quotes that really resonate. Visit www.melrobbins.com/podcast for additional resources.Disclaimer

Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Myronz podcast. That is Oakley Robbins. Hey guys. Oh my God. I'm so excited you're here. Me too. It's been a long time. It has and we get a lot of questions, comments, requests for you.

So I am so happy that you wanted to sit down, Oak. For those of you who are new to the Mel Robbins podcast, welcome, my name is Mel Robbins. I'm a New York Times best selling author and one of the world's most respected experts on motivation and change. And this is my son. I am not a New York Times best seller,

but I don't know. I'm the son not a New York Times best seller, but I don't know. Yes. I'm the son of a New York Times bad guy. Awesome. You're amazing. Awesome. I wanted to talk to you because you just came into the kitchen a couple minutes ago and you were like, oh my god, I just had the best therapy session.

And I thought to myself, first of all, how cool is that? And then I had the second thought oak, which is, I bet Oakley is about to share something that is insightful, profound, and incredibly helpful. And I absolutely love the fact that you're willing to talk to me about what you're learning from your therapist, because it's almost like a two for one. I get value from it too. You benefited from the conversation. I benefit from it when you share it with me. And now you listening, you get to benefit

from Oakley's therapy session too. And if you're new to the podcast, it's important for me to just tell you that our family is very open with one another, especially when it comes to the stuff that we're working on, the goals that we have, the struggles that we're facing, we love working this stuff out in real time instead of just keeping it to ourselves. And I personally struggled with anxiety for almost 30 years.

All three of our kids have had various challenges. So has my husband Chris. And I just am really excited, Oak, that you agreed to sit down with me in real time. I don't even know what you're about to share, but I'm so grateful that you wanted to share this conversation with everyone. And I also thought, what a gift. I mean, how many 17-year-old guys walk into the kitchen after a therapy call and announce to their family? Wow. I don't know. I do not know. Do you care? No. Talk to me about therapy. Do you like therapy? I would like to talk to your audience about therapy. Okay, do it. Guys, therapy is like, it's awesome. I love my therapist. I love therapy. When I was therapist, I love therapy.

When I was younger, I had a horrible experience with therapy. It was with this old woman who tried to convince me how to use an elevator because that's what I was afraid of. I was afraid of elevators. She was like, you need to ride the elevator and I was like, I don't want to. And so I hated therapy. I hated it.

And then I got a new therapist last year and it like changed my life. How? Because therapy is almost like having a notebook, but you don't have to write and you actually get an answer back. So you don't have to like take the time and write down your thoughts, you just say it, and then they say something back to you. It doesn't have to help, but it's just nice to hear someone say something that isn't part of your friend group or a family member. They're just someone that's there to listen and maybe that's all they need to do.

And I love therapy and I would fully recommend therapy to anyone because no, it's not like some bad thing and if you have a therapist, you're super messed up in the head and like everything in your life is going to shit. Like, no, therapy rocks. You can have it when you're perfectly fine and happy. I, I think everyone should have a therapist because it's just the best. I agree with you.

And the thing that I realize now is had I gone and worked with a therapist oak when things were going okay. They probably wouldn't have gone back. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because I hate to burst your bubble, but you are not going to be able to solve all your problems

and your friends with the similar ages you and the similar mindset will not be able to solve the same problems that you have. Oh my God. Well, I'm so happy and appreciative that you were like, yeah, I'll sit down on the mics with your mom and tell you why this therapy session with Keith was so awesome. So thank you. Of course. Could you tell everybody why you wanted to share this? Like, what? Because I think it's pretty cool that you're willing to... Do you want the honest answer or do you want the podcast answer?

Either. The honest answer is that I came downstairs in a good mood and I said, I love Keith and you said, well, you record this with me and I wasn't a good enough mood to say share. Oh, I like an honest answer. What's the podcast answer? Your viewers need to hear this, Mel. They're not viewers. This is game changing stuff right here. Life changing.

Is it? Depends on how they look at it. Well, is it for you? Low key. Yeah. It's like, yeah, little like tweak in the direction that my life is going in. Hey, I can't wait to hear it. So what did you talk about in this session? A lot of things. A lot of things.

Would you be willing to unpack it with me? Yeah. Okay, but hold on a sec, because I just want to say something. In case you are brand new to the Mel Robbins podcast, I want to just make sure that you know I'm not a therapist and I'm not a medical doctor and I'm inviting you into this conversation between a mother and her son and I wanted you to be here because I know that this is gonna be a really amazing thing that's about to happen. I don't even know really what Oakley's about to tell me, but I just knew that listening to it

was gonna help a lot of people. So with that little disclaimer, let's get started, Oak. So why did you start working with Keith in the first place? Started when last year. So, yeah, April last year. So almost a year, kind of close to a year. Sophomore year, it was weird because freshman year and sophomore year, there was a moment in time in my life.

It was like a March time. It was like a March time. It was like becoming spring, but still kind of chilly. That's like the memory that I have from these points in time where it wasn't, it wasn't depression and it wasn't like, I think it was anxiety. It was overwhelming anxiety in my freshman and sophomore year.

And it went away. Like freshman year happened in March. It was about three weeks gone for God. Hold on a second. I don't remember you having anxiety. Cause I never told you about it. Why? Because I didn't want to make it a huge thing and I didn't want to go to therapy and I didn't

want to like get into that. I didn't want to get into that. I was like, I can do this, I can solve this, I can get over this, like we're good. And we were good freshman year. Wait, hold on a second though. Stop the train. Stop the train.

Stop the train, I want to get off. No, you dare do that to me. John Mayer. We'll include that later. We'll include that later. I had no idea that you were struggling with anxiety for three weeks in freshman year. High school, you hit.

Why did you find this for so long? I've sold with anxiety my whole life. The, the, when I talk about that specific time period, it's when my anxiety was at this like weird peak where I just like couldn't really do anything and I was terrified. Of what? No idea.

Like I couldn't tell you freshman year and I'll get into what it was later because I know now but there was, this is probably gonna terrify you. I don't know if you've heard this story. I don't know. I wrote a memoir about it in sophomore year. So there was this one day in freshman year that I remember, that's like basically the only thing that I remember from when I was anxious like that.

I wrote this memoir called The Blue Sealing, because I don't see. And like there was this like moment where like I woke up and it was like one of those, it was one of those March days where it was like, there was no snow, but it was like one of those, it was one of those March days where it was like there was no snow but it was like kind of like foggy and misty. And where we live like when you look out the windows, like you can't see anything.

So like you feel like you're in like a snow globe. And so I woke up and it was like one of those days where I was in a snow globe and I was like, you know what, like I'm just gonna like stay in bed and watch some TV. Like that sounds nice. And so I was doing that. And all of a sudden, boom, semi-truck hits me.

I'm lightheaded, I'm confused. I'm like, what's going on? Nothing feels normal. I don't feel safe right now. I'm really scared. I don't know what to do. I need to get out of my room. I need to go.

I need to go. I need to go. And so I opened the door. I go downstairs. And I see Dad sitting in front of the fire. And he's like, hey, dude, what's up? And I was like, I didn't tell him that I was freaking out, but I like looked at him and I was like, I'm okay, like it's whatever.

And then I like walked outside, I like looked around, I like took a deep breath. I was like, whatever this is, like you've been anxious before, like you can get over this, like it's fine. Then I go back inside. Yeah. I wanted to hug dad. I wanted to like, I don't know, I wanted to do something.

I wanted to reach out. I wanted to get help. I wanted something and I couldn't do it. Like I just couldn't. I didn't want to. Why? Because I didn't want to get into it. I didn't want to become a process.

I didn't want to have to do stuff because I felt like I knew what I was doing. And then, what happened is I went back up to my room, I kept watching TV, and I remember going back downstairs to find dad, and he wasn't there. And then I look towards the kitchen, and I like, like thinking about this moment is so like weird and scary. And like

I would never do this ever. And it's super out of character. But I looked in the kitchen. And like I, you're going to be very nervous when you hear this. And I looked also maybe trigger warning for the listeners. But I looked at the kitchen and I looked at the knife holder. Uh-huh. And I, like, almost like a movie. Like, I could fully imagine myself like stabbing myself in the stomach with a knife. And like, part of me was like, I should.

And I was like, holy fucking shit. Like, this is not happening right now. Like, I am not suicidal. Like, I don't want to kill myself. Like, I want to live. So like, I go back outside. I like, I'm like, I'm like, I prevent him leading, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I prevent him right now. Like look around, I'm like, I'm like breathing in and out, I'm like, like I'm gonna be okay, like it's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

It's okay. And like there was this feeling of lightheadedness and I just couldn't think clearly. And I felt like nothing I would do in that moment would ever matter, and so why do anything? And so that's why I had that thought is like I should just like stab myself, because like if I don't, if I do something and it doesn't matter, like why do it? Like why do anything? So like why would I keep living my life

if nothing I do will ever matter? Like why not just end it now? Wow. I'm not quite sure what to say. I'm just processing as I'm listening to you, Oak. Is there any more? Yeah. Then that night, the reason the memoir was called The Blue Sealing is because later that night

I had this like ceiling projector. It was like the projected like this blue night sky into my ceiling. It was super cool. Still have it. And I just like remember this is gonna be like such a main character moment. But it was like, and it is. I will fully admit to that.

But I like, I reached my hand up and I like looked at my outline of my hand and I was just like crying for no reason. In like the darkness of my room is like my ceiling was blue. And like that was the only light and I was just like looking at my hand outlining crying and just being terrified. And then it basically just like went away.

It was gone. I never thought about it again. Fresh from the year like it was gone. Didn't think about it. Can I ask a question? Go for it. Are you nervous about what I'm going to ask? No, not really. Well, first I just want to say thank you for telling me.

I feel like I told you that before, right? Not that part. I could give you the memoir and you could read it on your own time if you wanted to. I would love to. I would be happy to give it to you. But I think it's really odd that you never told me that. I forgot it. Because we have a really good, open relationship. Oh my God. We have a great relationship as stated in the family podcast episode. We've got a lot of fun.

We've got a lot of fun. We've got a lot of fun. We've got a lot of fun. We've got a lot of fun. We've got a lot of fun. We've got a lot of fun. We've got a lot of fun. We've got a lot of fun.

We've got a lot of fun. We've got a lot of fun. We've got a lot of fun. We've got a lot of fun. We've got a lot of fun. No, but I so number one, I'm surprised that you never shared that with. I know why I didn't share it with you. Why? I didn't share it with you because two reasons. The first one was, I didn't want to get into it. I didn't want to get a therapist. I didn't want to go on meds. I had horrible experiences with meds and therapists in my past. I didn't want to go back into it because I was just like, no, no thanks.

And two was because since I've had anxiety my whole life, like I have, I wouldn't say every day, but like every week I've probably had like a small, anxious panic, if you will. Like, oh my goodness, I'm like anxious right now. Like I'm anxious, I'm nervous, whatever, whatever. And like I can handle it. I can do it.

And so I felt like I could handle it. And like the reason I didn't tell you is because I was like, I thought I handled it. Like I was like, it's over. Like it didn't come back. That's interesting. It did not come back. Yeah.

I want to say one other thing. I want to address the fact that you may be listening to us talking about a very serious topic. And we're giggling and we're light about it. People laugh when they're uncomfortable. Oh. I wouldn't say I'm gonna come, I don't know if I'm uncomfortable right now,

but I'm just like, I don't know. I feel like this is easier to talk about when I can like throw in a joke. Got it. Have some fun with that. That makes sense. You know, I want to specifically address what you said about that thought that you had, about the

knife, because those kinds of thoughts that are really big, scary, overwhelming thoughts, they can seem uncontrollable because they can come out of nowhere and they can start to get more and more frequent and overwhelming. They are very normal. In fact, according to therapists, almost everyone has experienced a situation like the one you described. But I want to talk further about this topic because it's helpful to talk about it. So hold on to that thought because I know there's more that we're going to talk about

because I got to pause real quick for a word from our sponsors and we're going to be right back. Welcome back. I'm El Robbins and I'm so excited that you're here because I'm talking to our 17 year old son Oakley. And we're having a really, wow, it's just a, I, I, I'm just blown away by this conversation because Oakley is unpacking in real time. This therapy session that he had tonight. 30 minutes ago, I got off the phone. I feel like you're supposed to wait a day, but no, we just, we just tried to. We just shut it in. We are a deep end kind of family. Let's go, right? Okay. Here's the other thing I wanted to say. We have two years from this, meaning we've had two years distance from this topic. From the freshman topic.

Yes. You're in an amazing place mentally, spiritually. Fantastically. Yeah. And so there is no danger. No. And so I'm not triggered by that. And the other thing I wanted to say is, would it surprise you to hear that having thoughts or a fleeting thought about ending your life

or dying some death like that is normal? Yeah, because I feel like suicidal thoughts are, I feel like it's been talked about to the point where it's like you're at the worst of the worst if there's suicidal thoughts., I feel like it's been talked about to the point where it's like, you're at the worst of the worst if there's suicidal thoughts. Like this is where shit is going down, like it's bad. Like this is bad. Like this is the worst of the worst. Like this is horrible.

I get it, like you're at the end of the line. What the truth is. So when you hear that somebody has suicide, like when you just said, would you think it's normal that most people do? Like I'd say no because it's like, the truth is, so when you hear that somebody has suicide, like when you just said, would you think it's normal that most people do? Like I'd say no, because it's like, no, most people do. I wouldn't expect everybody to be at the worst or the worst even though.

Oh, I see what you're saying. What you're saying is this, because this has been talked about so much particular to your age group. Yeah. It makes you think that when you have a thought like that. No, no, no, no, no, it's more just that like I feel like it's talked about where it's like it's only like the people with the worst condition are going to have that. Got it. So it's not so like when you say like,

oh, everybody has it like I'm like really like I feel like it's only the worst of the worst that. Because of like no, it's normal to have those kinds of thoughts. So I just want to do a dress that what might sound like a weird tone or an insensitive tone to say, we're two years away from it. Oakley is in an incredible place in his life, in his mental health, his spiritual health, he's just happy. And it's normal to have those kinds of big and scary and overwhelming thoughts

oak and one of the things that I want everyone to hear and I know I've said it over and over on social media and I've said it in numerous circumstances but it's this. There is a very big difference between wanting to end the pain that you're feeling, and wanting these scary thoughts to end, and actually wanting to end your life. Right. Yeah. Now, I want to talk to you listening and just check in with you. And what I specifically want to make sure that you hear me say is that it is normal to have these big scary and overwhelming thoughts. And when they come out of nowhere or they seem to get louder and louder, it can be terrifying. I know it was terrifying when this all started happening with

Oakley. So many people suffer because they believe that the thoughts will never go away. That's what I believed. I thought it would never end. And I didn't want to live the rest of my life with those thoughts. Now, if you knew the thoughts were going to end, would it have made you feel better? Yeah.

If you knew having those thoughts pop in your mind was perfectly normal, would that make you have felt better in that moment? Kind of. Yeah. I'm glad that you said that, Oak, because I think so many people when they start to suffer because of these really scary thoughts,

they don't tell anybody. I didn't want to tell anyone. I know, and I wish you would have told me. I wish you hadn't suffered alone. I wish you would have told somebody because the second that you start to talk about it, it immediately relieves you of the burden of carrying this on your own. You can figure out how to lessen the pain or the sadness or these awful thoughts that

keep popping into your head. You can do that. And you make your life better. How? By talking about these things that are overwhelming you and asking for help. Because you can't just keep them inside. No, because what happens when you keep them inside? It's kind of like a coat can, like when you shake it up

then it explodes. Yeah, exactly, exactly. That's why I'm proud of you for talking about this, Oak, because it can be torture if you've got that trapped in your own head. I got it's horrible. And I think most people, including the people that we've lost, that we love, to death by suicide, I still would say most people have somebody had assured them, if I can take away all the pain that you're feeling, and you could still have your life, would you want to be here? Hell yeah.

Right? Hell yeah. Exactly. Right. And that's why I'm saying this to you as you're listening to me and Oakley. Tell someone if you're having big and scary and overwhelming thoughts. Tell anyone.

Just tell anyone. Why would you say that? Because just like getting it out and saying it is so crucial to making your first step into solving this problem. And it honestly doesn't matter who you tell, all you need to do is tell someone something. So long as you trust them, as long as you care, all you have to do is tell someone. I also want to tell you, if you're having big and scary and overwhelming thoughts, you're not fucked up. No. Those thoughts are temporary,

they will pass, and they're going to pass so much quicker when you get them out of your head and you tell someone. You know, my friend Amy, who you know, Oak pass so much quicker when you get them out of your head and you tell someone. You know, my friend Amy, who you know Oak, she said when you have big scary thoughts like that, she heard a therapist say it's like being trapped in a paper bag. You can't see anything. You can't think of anything else to do. It sort of clouds your mind, but the second you find the courage to say it out loud to somebody, it's like that paper bragg. It just shreds. And you'll realize, and you'll see that you're not alone anymore. There are

people there that can help you and will help you and what you're experiencing is normal, and you can get through this. And so I had a question because you just said to everybody, Oak, that you didn't tell me about what was happening freshman year. No. And what would you advise somebody who is listening to this right now, who relates to what you're talking about, and maybe they haven't told anyone? The reason why I'm asking this is, I so many parents, and aunts, and uncles, and teachers, and therapists are going to forward this episode to young adults

and college students in their life. And just people they're worried about. So knowing that you just explained that you were worried I would make something of it, you didn't want to get into it. You thought you could handle it. Knowing what you know now, what would you say to that person who hasn't told somebody? Well, if you are close and aged to me, I don't know, teenager, mid 20s, I don't know, college, high school, middle school, whatever. It does not matter

what is going on in your head. If it is overwhelming, if it is scary, if it is stopping you from doing things that you can normally do, you should always, always, always, always tell someone. And you may be worried that it'll make things weird or it'll change things in your life. And it most likely will, but it is going to change your life for the better. In the beginning, for me at least, I thought to myself that, hey, I can keep this in, like, I've done it before, I've done it 10,000 times before, like, I can do it again. And yeah, you can do it in the beginning, but instead of waiting till you collapse, just get it over with right in the beginning and tell someone, it's all you have to do.

It'll make it better. It will make it better. Do you wish you had told me earlier when it was happening in ninth grade? Yeah. I do too. Because I doubt it would have come back and softened my head. That's true. Maybe it wouldn't have. Okay, let's just hit pause right now, Oak, and here a word from our sponsors.

And when we come back, I want you to tell everybody what happened sophomore year. [♪ Music playing in background, playing old son, and we are unpacking two mental health breakdowns that he had. One was freshman year, and as you now know, I was unaware of it at the time, and Oak is about to explain the breakdown that he had sophomore year of high school. So what happens sophomore year? Because you said, you know, this anxiety hit you for a weak period in March freshman year.

Gone, forgotten about. But the shit hit the fans sophomore year. Oh my God. Oh, so terrifying. Flashback, beginning of sophomore year. Oh my God. Oh. So. Terrifying. Flashback. Beginning of sophomore year. Summer year is awesome. I loved my sophomore year.

Great friends. Great experiences, great classes, super fun. It was great. It was same time, March or was it April? Might have been April. I think we had to track this this year. We will have to track this. Hey, it's coming to that time.

Let's see. It is. Yeah. Anyways, April comes around and everything's good. And then in my English class, my teacher had us write a memoir. And so I wrote about my experience that I had freshman year.

Ken. The blue ceiling. And so by writing that, I basically like mentally dove back into that time and I remembered how I felt freshman year. And I remembered what it was like. And I remember the hopelessness and the anxiety. I kind of brought myself back to a timer I was super vulnerable and I had to go back

and be vulnerable in that moment. And then I can see your eyes tearing up just thinking about it. Not really, not in this moment. Little bit. Okay. I'm gonna lie, lie. And so those thoughts are fresh in my mind.

And since I was a sophomore and it was a year later, I wanted to try and unpack it and think about what it actually meant. Well, I felt that way. And while I was doing that, like, a week rolled around. And the next week in that class, my English teacher, again, showed us a movie. And this movie was about climate change. And it was about how in like five years, it's irreversible and we're fucked. And it was like possible solutions and all

this stuff. And then it told us what would happen if these solutions didn't happen. And so I come out of the movie and I'm like, what could we do? Like realistically, like as a world, like what can we do? Okay. So I started thinking about my town and then my state and then my country and then the world. And then I was like, what if we can't do anything? What like can somebody else help us? And then I was like, is there somebody can't do anything? What can somebody else help us? And I was like, is there somebody else

in the housing about the universe? And then I was thinking about like, in expanding, expanding, expanding, expanding, we become a pebble, we become a grain of sand, we become literally nothing. Like we become nothing in my mind. And all of a sudden, it's like a light switch in my mind where I'm like, holy shit,

like nothing matters. Absolutely nothing matters to me. Nothing I do. Do not get yourself back in that state. Okay. Why was just like, I don't know. No, no, no, no, no, no. So nothing matters, nothing I do will have an effect.

Nothing anybody does will change anything. So why do anything? Why? And so I thought about that, and I kept thinking about that being like, there has to be an answer, there has to be an answer. Like a week passes and there's no answer. And then all of a sudden, I started to get these nervous, anxiety attacks, where I'm light headed and I can't think and everything is rushing out of my head

and I'm scared and I'm confused and it's all because in those moments I keep telling myself that nothing I do has got to matter. No one I talk to, nothing I do, nothing will ever change anything. It doesn't matter what I do, it doesn't matter what anybody does. The world's gonna end because the world not the world's gonna end but just like in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter what anybody does. The world's gonna end. Because the world, not the world's gonna end, but just like in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. We do not matter.

Climate change wasn't my thought. Okay, yes. It wasn't about the world ending. The movie about climate change sparked like a thing about me thinking about. Do I eat a matter? The bigger picture. God.

And then I realized that I was like, I don't matter. Nobody matters. The world doesn't matter. Well, let me pick up the story now. Well, it's not done yet. Well, because in this instance, you let us know what was going on.

That is what was going on. There was one moment we were eating dinner together. Yeah. And I just had to like get up and go to the bathroom and like look in the mirror and be like, you're okay, you're okay, you're okay, okay. Like it's gonna be okay. Like you'll get through this. And I was like, I was it's gonna be okay. Like, you'll get through this.

And I was like, I was like, I can't, like I can't get through this. Like I can't do this. And in that bathroom, I was like, I, if this stays, if this keeps up, like I am going to kill myself, like I will. Cause like, that's how scared I was. Like, I couldn't live with this fact

and I couldn't accept the fact that I felt scared I was. Like I couldn't live with this fact, and I couldn't accept the fact that I felt like nothing mattered. Yeah, it was a terrifying thing to go through with you. It was so. Because you had a complete breakdown, and you started explaining that these thoughts had been cascading and cascading, and you didn't wanna think this,

but you didn't know how to stop it. And I'll never forget that, because I was holding you, and you were crying, and you were scared, and I was crying and scared. And it had just come out of nowhere that you had gone from just thinking, and thinking, and thinking,

and not telling us to a complete breakdown. Yeah. And I asked you, I was like, are you in danger right now? Are you gonna hurt yourself? And you remember what you said? I said no. I was like, I'm too scared to do that.

Like I didn't want to. Yeah, and you also said no. But I can't live like this mom. I can't keep thinking these thoughts and I kept going what thoughts? And you kept saying, I don't matter, nothing matters. I feel like even to this day, I still can't truly explain the thoughts that I was having, because it was just like, I can't wrap my head around them. And so I was dying to explain it to

you and every time I told you something, you'd be like, oh, so was it this? And I was like, that's not it. That's not it. I couldn't figure out what to say. it this and I was like, that's not it. That's not it. I couldn't figure out what to say. You did a really good job of explaining it. When I would have very acute moments of anxiety when I was younger, I would have this thing happen that was equally scary, Oak, where I didn't have the thoughts, nothing matters, nothing matters. I would all of a sudden feel this weird thing happen in my body. Like you call it like a switch that flipped. And all of a sudden, I would have this experience where every thing felt fake, almost like the Truman show, or that your whole life is a set that's fake.

And I would repeatedly have this feeling that if the wind blew all of these walls in this room would just flop down like a TV set, like a TV set, and I would find myself in the middle of the desert with no one in sight. And the only person and is earth even real? And is this room even real? Like, that's how it was terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. So I understand what that's like.

And for those of you wondering what we did, I went into first responder mode. Do you remember? You wouldn't let me sleep. I know, I slept. You wouldn't let me sleep alone. I know, I slept in your bed. You wouldn't let me be alone. You, oh my god, you took me out of school for a week.

For a mental health. We went back to Massachusetts. Yep, to see doctors. I wouldn't let you be alone. I wouldn't let you sleep alone. I made you eat, dad meditated with you. Yeah. We got you into therapy as fast as possible. You got on

medication. Try some medication that really helps. It's the best. Help you climb out of that old man. Like sometimes you need a ladder. Yeah, you do. Sometimes you also need a surfboard and so they can work both ways. So that is what led you to therapy. To therapy. What a segue. This is like, oh wait, also, I really... It's a 25 minute segue. I want to say another thing.

Can I talk about the John Mayer song? Sure. In terms of it. Okay, like jumping back before we go to therapy, the, at the time there was this song In terms of it, okay, like jumping back before we go to therapy, the at the time there was this song that I still love today, but I think it also contributed to my anxiety. It's um, there's this like underground artist, his name's John Mayer. I don't know if any of you know who he is, but he's super, I think he's a pretty good artist. And there's one of his songs is called Stop This Train.

And basically like train symbolizes time and how like time keeps moving. And like, John, I don't know if I should call him John or not friends, but like, John Mayer wants the train or time to stop. And it's like, it's just like him being like, stop, stop time. Like, let me say where I am, like, I want to want to get off like I just want to be with what I am right now and then it ends with him like talking to his dad and his dad's like don't stop like time like you just want to hold on and just like keep going for as long as you can and just like appreciate it and be in it I've got this strength, I want to get off and go home again. I can't take the speed, it's moving in.

I know I can't. Oh, goodness. It's making you emotional. Oh, my God, it always does. Why? Why does that make you emotional? Because time is just like, oh, my God. That's too much. That's too scary, not scary,

but that's just so much to think about, how time is just gonna keep going. Yeah, I always have that feeling when I'm in a museum. And I'll be looking at a painting and I lean forward and it's like something has been painted in the 1800s. Geez. Have you had that experience? I'm way too bored in a museum to have her pay attention to the day.

It's, I would love to be like a museum guy. Why? Because it's just like fun and like mysterious and it makes you like more interesting. I've actually gotten into museums more than I used to be, but I don't know. My memories of museums were always just like, this is the most boring thing ever, like staring at a wall for 15 minutes. Meanwhile, your mother is having a small existential crisis as she's looking at paintings because as I lean forward and I'm like this was painted in the 1800s that means there is a person standing in front of this canvas 200 and whatever years ago I can't even do the math on this. And they're not here anymore.

And it makes me feel so small in the timeline of humanity. And it's the same kind of thing that you're talking about. Yeah, and so that song just sparks something in me where I was like, time is gonna keep going and it won't slow down. It won't slow down and that's scary and like that added to everything. And yeah, that's the whole John Maier story. Anyways, John Maier, if you're listening, please contact me immediately.

Because I love you. I remember that day that John Maier song stopped the train. It hit you really emotionally because you were in this amazing place in your life. It was your sophomore year. You were happy. And you were so happy. You wanted time to slow down because you were loving your life so much. And you didn't want high school to be passing by so quickly. Because you tell you and I was like, yeah, sobbing again. You love to cry, you're good cryer because you were so grateful for your life and that song played and you're calling me from the high school parking lot crying about how much you love your life. And who knew that just three weeks later, it would like, it would completely

collapse and you would be in Probably the worst mental breakdown I've ever seen you. Yeah Really scary as a parent and I'm proud of you though. I'm proud of you for asking for help For telling us the truth for for seeing a therapist for taking medication for turning toward it to figure it out. Yeah. I'm really proud of you.

Thank you. So now- Satami Keith. We say good. Present day. Keith. Present day. My therapist, the goat, Keith.

He's awesome. He's in California, so we zoom. And he's just this like, super chill, spiritual guy, he used to be a surfer, like he's just like the coolest dude ever. And I love him because he's like such a smiley guy and he's just like fun.

And he's taught me all this stuff. Beginning lessons were a lot on purpose. And I came to the conclusion with his help that life does not matter. But us as individuals can make it matter by using purpose and finding our purpose. And so what I discovered with him is that like these thoughts about life not mattering are going to be here. But it doesn't mean they're going to stay because over time when I live my life I'm going to discover the reason why I want to be here. Yeah.

And why you matter. And it doesn't have to change anything and it doesn't have to do anything. But I'm just like looking for my purpose and like my reason to be like, well, that's why I'm here. And that's why I want to live. And that's why like stuff like that. So I just want to see if you can go a little deeper in explaining something. Because when you first started working with your therapist's Keith, you were in the middle

of these catastrophic kind of overwhelming scary thoughts. And it's interesting that where you guys started was with the topic of purpose. And I understand that this was happening in parallel with a medical doctor giving you a antidepressant to kind of act like a ladder to help you stabilize. Still on him. Still on him, baby. Still great. Still talking to him.

Guys, they're great. But what was it about the topic of purpose that really helped you see your way through these scary and overwhelming thoughts? Because the other thing that I've read about the research of this is that this is very common, whether you're triggered by thinking about things like climate change or if you're thinking about racism or systematic discrimination or you are experiencing extreme poverty or you lose somebody that you love, it can lead you to deeply contemplate the meaning of life. And people that are more empathetic or introverted tend to do this more, but it can happen

to anybody. And so I found it really interesting that it was a conversation about purpose that helped you start to gain more control about the way that you were thinking. So can you explain how that helped you? Yeah. I feel like what our conversation about purpose did for me was that even though at this point in time, I felt like life had no meaning. The conversation about purpose kind of strengthened a thought in my mind about how that, at one point in my life, I'll

do something, or I'll meet someone, or I'll go somewhere that will just give me this feeling of belonging and a reason to live and a reason to be here. And that will be my reason to be on this earth. And like one day, I'll be like, Hey, this thing that I've discovered about myself that I really like is like my reason to be here. And this is why I'm on this earth. Can I go a little deeper? Yeah. Because at the time that this was happening, how would you describe your relationship with your family?

Good. Yeah. I mean, I feel like my relationship has always been good. Yeah. And did you have friends? Plenty. I've been out of girlfriend. And did you enjoy school? Loved it. Still do. So the only thing about your life that wasn't working were these thoughts. Yeah, these thoughts, it's not even that fully clouded my judgment. I still loved my friends and you guys and everybody in my life, but I just didn't see why that mattered. Because you have all this stuff handled, and now your mind is starting to take you to these dark

places. Got it. And I think that's important because it just goes to show you no matter what's happening on the outside in somebody's life. They seem like they're enjoying school. They have a great girlfriend. They've got good friends. They have a family that they're connected to that their thoughts might actually still be a very scary place. Yeah.

And I wanted to point that out because you just can't assume that you know what somebody's reality really is. I mean, I didn't even know. Nobody did. Not ninth grade. No. Well, yeah. I mean, I knew very well in sophomore year. Yeah. But I also find it very interesting because when you believe that you are here for a reason, and that your life is leading you somewhere, that there is something unique for you to discover that's on the road ahead. Might be tomorrow, might be a year from now, might be 10 years from now, might be longer from now.

But kind of approaching life, like it's almost like a gift that you unwrap to discover what's inside, that thought was like a seed that he planted that has taken root. Because I hear you talking a lot pretty frequently about purpose. It's like my personality now. All of my friends and like everybody I talk to at some point, we always come into this conversation

where I'm like, you know, I'm actually like, I don't see a reason to living and I'm actually looking for purpose and they're like, what? You're a really intellectual guy because I would label this an existential crisis, which is basically questioning existence. Yeah. That's what happened to you and That happens to a lot of people. It's a very normal thing and so are big and scary thoughts Thank you for telling me that Thank you for sending anything else on that topic that you want to share

No, I don't know. Anything else we wanna know? I don't, are you okay right now? Yeah. Is that an honest answer? Yes, it is. When's the last time you had a big and scary thought? To be honest, the thoughts are still there. Yeah. They're there like every day.

But they're more like in the back of my head, I think we're inside. Oh yeah, this is true. And I'm just like, well, yeah, it is true. But who cares? I mean, that's an amazing attitude, Oak. So do you have a sense of what your purpose is? Absolutely not.

But that doesn't like, that's not daunting to me. Like I'm 17, like I'm not expecting to have it all figured out. Like I know that it's gonna take a while. Like 10, 15, 20, 25, like it could take as long as it needs to. And I'm okay with that because I just know that like, at some point in my life, like I will find something where I'm like, this is it, like this is why I'm here, and this is what I wanna do.

I think I have something for you to chew on if you wanna hear it. I don't, because it's like for me, like this is my, you can tell me your purpose and you can tell me what you think mine is, but I need to find mine. Like it has to come from me and I have to believe that, and that's only gonna be genuine if it's from me. So I guess like basically,

if any of you are worried about me out there, appreciate it. But. Should I be? No. And then this then segues into tonight. He just told me something that I really, that really resonated with me. Oh, I wanna to hear it.

So this was a thing that made you walk into the kitchen. I mean, I always walk into the kitchen after a kid that I'm like, I love cute, because he has this awesome. But like, so this was a little life changing thing. Yeah. Let me hear it. So he was basically like, when you were born, when your mom and your dad, I'm going to quote my biology teacher, when your mom and your dad did the special hug.

Wait, that is what? Your high school? Yeah, my high school, it's so funny. My high is in class. And like whenever we're talking about, like DNA and like, natural selection and stuff like that. Whenever my high school teacher like talks about how like there's offspring created, he's like, when the mom and the dad do the special hug, it's like, okay. So when you and dad did the special hug,

last night. Whatever, my, when you and dad did the special hug and conceived me, my universe was created. The universe that I live in was like, created for me. Yeah. And he basically told me where it was like, this is going to sound super self-centered at first, but I have had the belief for my whole life where it's like, I am the most important person to me. Yes, you should be.

Which should be true for everybody. Yes. It's not true for everybody, because humans were like evolved from a form where we had to be social and like put others in front of us to basically survive. So it feels normal and it feels right to do it now. But in reality, the most important person to yourself is you.

And he was basically just like, when you do anything, you should ask yourself, do you want to live in your universe where this happens? So it's like, a hypothetical situation. Let's say you are about to go behind your friends back and do something wrong that would hurt them. Do you want to be in a universe Where you've done that

Do you want to remember that? And he was like you can keep asking yourself this question because if you think about it your life is your own and You pick and choose what happens in your life. And so, before anything happens, you should ask yourself, do I want this to remain in my life? Mm. Yeah, because it stays there, you're right. It will always stay there. And I have this vision, almost like an illustration

of somebody in their, like a dark room, and there's like this particle thing all around them. And that's the universe. And so interesting. And it's just how this is your life. What I took away from it is that even if life and our existence on earth does not matter. Yeah.

Even if that's true. You are still experiencing a life. You still feel the emotions from that life. You still experience things. You still experience things. You still live it. And so just because life does not matter, you are still living a life and you should be living a life in a universe. In a universe, that is your own that you enjoy. Yes. Because that's all you can do. Yeah, and it's all you need to do. We're so busy Chasing shit outside our own universe

All that matters is what is right in front of you How did that flip a switch for you? Because I felt like I was on the hunt for The big answer the big for the big answer, the big purpose, the big question, it was going to like come to me and I was going to be like, whoa, enlightened, like floating meditation Buddha over here. But it was more just like purpose will come to me, but in the meantime, I'm going to be present to what I feel and what I do. And so why not feel and do what I want to? I love that. Thank you for sharing that.

I got a lot out of that visual of the universe and that that's the universe that gets created. And that at least when you become an adult, you really do get to choose what's a part of it and what's not. Yeah, and you can choose what's left and what isn't. And anything you do will remain. So you should always be asking yourself, in my universe, do I want there to be a part of me that has done this? Yeah. You're extraordinary, ordinary life. You're extraordinary, ordinary life. Say something more about that.

It's from the movie about time. Our family's favorite movie. It's best movie ever. So there's actually two quotes that I really like. We're all traveling through time together. Every day of our lives. All we can do is do our best to relish this remarkable ride. Hmm. The second one is I just try to live every day as if I've deliberately come back to this one day to enjoy it as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life.

That's beautiful. Well, I love you. Love myself and I love you too. You're the best dude. Thank you mom. Alright well, and Keith Stoverdell tells you today I wanted to tell you that I love you. So do I. And I believe in you. I do as well. And make this universe your own. Make your universe your own. You get to choose what is staying in that universe and what you're not taking in there. And I love what you say. Might as well just enjoy it. Alright everybody, we love you.

Love you too. Talk in a few days. Bye. Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.