The Mel Robbins Podcast - Incredible Research From Harvard: 4 Simple Tools to Conquer Your Fear

Episode Date: April 24, 2023

A few years ago, I found this study from Harvard, and it changed my life.It's research about performance and feeling nervous, with a simple reframing method that you can use to never let fear stop you again.I’ve been using this technique with my five second rule for years, and the first way I applied it was to get control of my nerves and fear of public speaking.I’m going to teach you this new method in a super cool way... by taking you on the road, on stage, and behind the scenes with me as I deliver a keynote address to 3,000 people at the convention center in Dallas.I’ve been wanting to bring you on the road with me for awhile, and this topic allowed me to record this episode live in multiple locations while all kinds of things were unfolding.There’s even an impromptu guest appearance from Michelle Poler, whose entire speaking career is about teaching people how to face their fears.This Harvard-backed technique is so cool because it leverages your body chemistry, physiology, and neural pathways to your advantage.The #1 fear most people have is public speaking, but this technique will help you with absolutely everything, whether it’s speaking up at work, giving an incredible presentation, not choking when you deliver the toast at your best friend’s wedding, performing better on tests, or even running better.Stop letting fear hold you back. Use science not only to reframe your fears into excitement but to conquer them once and for all.And one more thing. My free, brand new, research-backed training called "Take Control with Mel Robbins" is live and waiting for you. Get 3 incredible video trainings plus a 21-page workbook, and all you have to do is sign up here.Already a quarter of a million students are taking the course for free.I’m just waiting for you!Xo Mel  In this episode, you’ll learn: 5:00: I’m always asked how I got into public speaking. Here’s the story.10:15: The question YOU need to ask when someone asks how much you charge.12:15: One of THE best tools to calm your nerves is not meditation (for me), but this.13:30: This is my favorite quote from Charlie Bird Parker.15:15: The wardrobe failure that may have rivaled Janet Jackson’s.16:30: Failure sucks, but the Pratfall Effect says failure can work for you. 19:00: I was so excited to meet this speaker and bestselling author from Venezuela.21:45: Best journal starter question ever: Are you alive but not living?24:30: Feeling like you never have time? You’re not going to believe this advice.28:15: Turns out modeling nude is actually a really profound experience. 29:00: Fear might indicate danger OR it might indicate growth. Pay attention.30:00: How can you tell the difference between true intuition and limiting fear?32:30: How do you get over your fear of public speaking?34:00: Feeling imposter syndrome? You’re not alone. Here’s what you need.40:15: Come on stage with me at the Dallas Convention Center.40:40: I’m going to face my biggest fear next year for Oakley’s 18th birthday.42:00: When you do something that scares the pants off you, remember this.44:30: Tool #3 is based on research from Harvard - here’s what you tell yourself.50:00: You don’t feel butterflies when you’re nervous because you’re going to screw up. Disclaimer

Hey, it's your friend Mel. Welcome to Mel Robbins podcast. That right there is the Dallas Convention Center. 3,000 women in the audience. I am taking the stage today and I am taking you to work with me. Are you ready for this? I'm ready for this. Let's fucking go. Okay. Alrighty, you ready? I'm serious. It's take you to work day for no robbins. I've been wanting to take you on the road with me for whoo, months, ever since we launched this podcast. And I do want to thank those of you that come up every single day. It doesn't matter where I am.

Grocery store, airplane, hotel lobby, standing in line at a gas station. I love meeting you. Love it. If you ever see me, I want you to know something. I would be mad if you didn't use the five-second rule five or through. Do you want to push yourself to come up and say hello. People in 200 countries have been impacted by this show because of us, you and me. We're sharing the episodes, we're showing up twice a week, and so I love meeting you, because it means

that when I'm sitting in a hotel room in Dallas, I'm thinking of you, and I'm thinking of the fact that this conversation is happening between us, and that makes me show up in a way that I wouldn't show up if I weren't meeting you or hearing from you and reading your letters. So just thank you for that. And today we're going to talk about the biggest fear that people have in life. Sign felled famously, joked that the person in the coffin isn't scared.

It's the person who has to speak about the person in the coffin isn't scared. It's the person who has to speak about the person in the coffin who is. The fear of public speaking is the number one fear that people have. And I don't even mean necessarily talking on a stage like I do for a living. I'm talking about the fear of speaking in public, sharing your ideas at work,

expressing what you need to other people, having hard conversations with friends and family, talking at a meeting at work, expressing what you need to other people, having hard conversations with friends and family, talking at a meeting at school, pushing back on something with a doctor, like just being able to express yourself. And the reason why this is such a huge fear for people is because it is a moment of intense vulnerability. The second that you go to speak at work, what happens? Everybody turns and all eyes are on you. You feel like there's a spotlight on you

and you get really worried about being judged. The same thing happens when you have to speak in class, right? When you got called on in class. Most people get a little nervous. A lot of people hated that moment in elementary school when you had to read out loud. That's a moment of public speaking. We are so afraid in that moment when the spotlight is on us.

And I've shared in a number of episodes that I used to be terrified of public speaking. I would turn bright red when I got called on as a little kid. In law school, I would start coughing attacks or I would leave the room as a young lawyer. I would wear a scarf because I'd get these neck rashes as I was talking to the judge and to the prosecutor in a small courtroom. And I just figured I would be the kind of person that always had a bright red face,

always had an awful case of hives on my chest, always felt my tongue going dry, and I hated it. I hated it, hated it, hated it. And today, what I'm gonna talk about is how I went from being afraid of public speaking to becoming the most successful female speaker in the world. More than 111 speeches a year on the corporate circuit. So Microsoft, Starbucks, JP Morgan,

any kind of company you can imagine, I've been there. But I have come up with incredible ways to not only face my fear of public speaking, but to conquer it and to use science and really amazing mental reframes to tame those nerves. And that's what I'm going to teach you today. Because you know what I want for you?

I want your fullest expression. I want fear to stop holding you back. I want you to trust fall into your life. I want you to take that first step and climb the staircase to the things that you want in your life. And there are too many places where fear holds you back and keeps you silent and has you questioning yourself. And so that was me too.

And I just chipped away at this fucker and I am so glad that I did because I just can't even imagine how much I would yearn for what I'm doing now without even realizing it. But the first step is admitting that there are fears that are holding you back. And so we're going to use public speaking because it's a number one fear for everybody. Now, the first question I always get is, how did you get into the speaking business and

how did you become the most sought after female speaker on the corporate speaking circuit mail? Well, the truth is I didn't set out to do anything. I've told you guys a story about how that TEDx talk happened by accident in 2011, and how I had a 21 minute long panic attack while I was giving that talk, and I never thought I would speak ever, ever, ever again.

And then something crazy happened. A year later, somebody put the TEDx talk online. And for another year, it went crazy viral. And I didn't even know it was online. And so we're talking 2013. Now, by mid-2013, people start to reach out to me on Facebook and say, hey, I saw that thing in San Francisco and I'm like, were you there?

I'm like, no, it's online, I'm like, it's online. And I realized, holy cow, this thing's got like a million views. That's crazy. And people kept reaching out and it was mainly women's conferences. And they were asking if I wanted to come and do like a breakout session. And they wanted me to just repeat that TEDx talk. And so I had no idea that this was an industry or a business. I looked at speaking as something that famous people do,

something that sports people do, something that people that are major, major authors must do. So I didn't have a book, I didn't have anything. I just had my little secret five-second rule in my back pocket. I had a TEDx talk that had mistakenly gone viral online and now I had people asking me if I would come. And I would talk in breakout sessions at women's conferences. And I'm like, okay, that sounds fun.

Now, keep in mind in my life, this is the moment when Chris is left the restaurant industry. He is bottomed out, not functioning, focused on getting sober, and I am working two jobs trying to keep things afloat. It is a really scrambling time in our life. And so I said yes to these things, and I'll never forget it. In 2013, I did seven talks. I think it was all for free. I had no idea that people got paid to do this.

And I was doing it because I wanted to escape the pressure of my life. And if I'm being perfectly honest, as nervous as I was about doing this, and I'd get a big neck rash and I'd turn bright red in my face as nervous as I was There was something about being asked to tell my story and Inspire other people that really lifted me up and made me feel I don't know like it's sort of like how you fluff a pillow up when it's looking deflated It just lifted my spirits a little bit to have the focus be on helping

other people. So it was like a lifeline, but I was still so nervous. When I tell you I was nervous, I mean I was so nervous, I not only wore spanks, I would put like a pad in the spanks because I was sweating so much, I had all kinds of wardrobe fails because I would literally sweat like Niagara Falls. That's what I do. I have a hot flash as I get nervous. So, I'll never forget it.

It was the Pennsylvania Women's Conference. Hillary Clinton, I think, was the keynote speaker. And then there was this incredible woman who was the principal of Strawberry Hill Mansion who I just love. And she spoke in the main room, 14,000 women there. And I was in this breakout session. And it was the largest room I had ever been in.

I almost had a heart attack. There were like a thousand seats set up. And I had never been in a room that size. So I give this talk, which was largely just a mimic of the TEDx talk that I did. And this woman comes up to me afterwards, and she's like, oh my God, you were so great, you know, which was really nice to hear. And she said, can I ask you a question? You know, I was also a speaker this morning.

I was in a breakout room on a panel, and I just wanted to ask you a question, speaker to speaker. And I was like, of course. And she said, did you get your check yet? And I said, check. Wait a minute, you got paid for this? And she looked at me with horror, and said, oh my God, I'm, check. Wait a minute, you got paid for this? And she looked at me with horror and said, oh my God, I'm really sorry.

I just assumed, like you had a bigger, I just assumed that you got paid. I'm like, people get paid for this? Like, people like normal people get paid for this? And I was so flabberg. It was one of those moments where you're just like, am I this stupidest fucking idiot on the planet? Does everybody else know the ship at me?

And I was so dumbfounded that for two weeks, I was just like stunned at what an idiot I was. I didn't even think to ask anybody to pay me to do this because I didn't think I was any good at it. So I made myself a promise. I said, you know what? I have no idea what to charge. You don't have a book.

You should probably write one of those, too. But first you got to figure out how to keep the lights on in the house and keep the family afloat and keep paying the bills. And I thought, here's what I'm going to do. I am going to just when the next person calls and says, we'd like to book you to speak. I'm going to pause, five, four, three, two, one. Take a breath. speak. I'm going to pause 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Take a breath. And then I'm going to say, what's your budget? And then I'm going to wait. I'm going to listen to the number. And then I'm going to 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Pause. And then say, normally I'm double. And pause and see what happens.

Because I didn't even know what to price myself at. So two weeks later, the phone rings, and it's this guy in Dallas, Darren Powell. And he had been in the speaking business for like 20 years, and he says, you know, blah, blah, blah, heard the day I had it on, I gotta thank his wife, Laurie,

because she's the one that saw my TEDx talk going viral on Facebook and she said to her husband, you got to book this woman for our sales conference for Jay Hilburn. And so Darren calls me, first phone call I receive no joke when I've made myself this promise. And he asked if I'm available five months from now in Dallas, in August, to speak at the National Sales Conference for this company, Jay Hilburn.

I said, I think I'm available. What's your budget? And he said $10,000. I dropped the fucking phone. We had leans on our 10,000, I had no fucking idea. People, what the, $10,000, or so you fucking can't hate? I will literally dial strip for that.

I mean, that's unbelievable. So I forgot the second part. I was like, okay, I'm in. I'm in, yes, yes, yes. Now, luckily I was so nervous. And sometimes fear is a fantastic thing because it motivates you. I was so nervous because I felt so unworthy

of that amount of money that I Did something really smart and fear motivated me to do this I was so nervous that I would fall flat on my face because I believed I was not worthy of that kind of money because I had never made that kind of money That I used half of the budget to pay a graphic designer to help me create a PowerPoint because I needed at least something that would look like that. And I practiced, and I practiced, and I prepared, and that's one of the big things that you got to take away.

One of the best freaking tools for nerves is preparation. The more you prepare what you're actually doing is working through your own resistance to this shit. You're creating muscle memory, you're rehearsing. Will you choke? Maybe, but not after I teach you the tools that I'm going to teach you today, but you will never get better or conquer your fear of public speaking if you're unwilling to prepare. So part of the nerves might be that you're not even preparing enough. You're not rehearsing. You're not rehearsing in front of people.

You're not taking the time to edit your mark. Like it takes time and rehearsal is so important. If you prepare, you're removing nerves. You're setting yourself up to win. And so think about preparing like you're just building this muscle. It doesn't take the nerves away or the fear away or the stakes away, but by God it's going to help these tools work because you will have the preparation. There's this really famous quote that I love.

It's by Charlie Bird Parker. I don't even know if this is a real story, but I love this quote. Apparently Charlie Bird Parker, the famous jazz musician, was asked by a journalist, how the hell do you do what you do with that horn? And you know what Charlie Bird Parker said? He said, well, first you gotta learn your instrument. And that takes years, decades of practice.

You gotta study it. You gotta rehearse. You gotta do your scales. takes years, decades of practice. You gotta study it. You gotta rehearse. You gotta do your scales. You gotta practice over and over and over and over and over again until you learn that instrument. And then you forget all that shit they taught you and you just wail. And so preparation allows you to tap into your genius.

Preparation is what allows you to improv, to freestyle, to be fully express the highest you to channel, to tap into something. And it's in there in you. That's why you feel this push pull and this desire to show up more in your life. So I spent all this time preparing and I showed up and there are moments in your life that really matter. And this was one of them. I met this moment.

I stepped on that stage in 2013 with my neck rash and my rosy cheeks and my dry mouth and I fucking destroyed it because I had prepared because I was afraid. Now I also had the biggest wardrobe failure I have ever had on a stage. So I wore this dress because at the time I was a commentator for CNN and I used to wear this dress all the time on CNN and I thought, okay, if somebody's paying you that money, you got to look like you're on TV. So I wore this like kind of power lady dress. You can already imagine it, right?

It's got like sort of the V-neck and the pencil skirt and it's hard to walk in. It looks good on television, but you're not moving and you're sitting in a chair. I'd never looked at it with a light behind me. And at the end of the speech, I'd just filet this thing. I walk off that stage. It was the first time I'd ever been projected on a jumbo tron in an arena. And after the speech, this woman came out to me, she was darling. She's like, oh my God, I love the fights. I really thank you so much for those. It was amazing. I'm like, oh my God. I'm gonna pay my mortgage a month. This is great. And she said, you were so great. I have to tell you

something. And I'm like, what? She said, don't ever wear that dress again. I said, why? She said, I don't even want to tell you this. I said, what? She said, I could not only see that you were wearing spanks, but that you had a thong on underneath them. That dress is so see-through. And you could see it all on the jumbo tron.

Okay. We went from winning to wanting to melt and crawl into a hole, but fuck it. Honestly, when you fuck up, you know what the research shows people like you more. That, by the way, is called the Pratt Fall Effect, that your imperfections make you more likable, more trustworthy.

It makes you as an expert, be somebody that people lean toward, and you've had this experience, it makes you as an expert be somebody that people lean toward. And you've had this experience, haven't you? Where you might have somebody that's got a PhD that's a know-it-all that's really snooty and talking down to you, you're kind of like, I don't want to learn from you. But when you got somebody that is, you know, on a stage or teaching you something or just somebody you meet, if there's something that humanizes them, it so builds trust. And that's an important thing to understand because the idea here is not that you're going to get it perfect.

It's that you're willing to try. So maybe that's why I destroyed it. I don't know. Everybody was rooting for me because you could see the spanks and the thong underneath the dress, but that dress went in the fricking trash can at the hotel, never to see the light of day again, although I hope somebody pulled it out and used it. But I never look back from that moment because Darren who booked me had been in this business for 20 years and he said, I got to tell you, you are top three of all time and the single

best female speaker I've ever seen in my entire life, who manages your business, and I said, you do. And he has run my speaking business ever since. And so along the way, it took me several years to truly get over my nerves, and I don't get nervous, but I do care about how I perform when I am stepping on a stage or I'm behind this mic. I perform when I am stepping on a stage or I'm behind this mic. But I have come up with incredible ways to not only face my fear of public speaking, but to conquer it and to use science and really amazing mental reframes to tame those nerves. All right, let's hit pause. When we come back, I've got a really cool surprise coming up. And I don't even know how this is going to go.

As I said, I'm in Dallas. And while I was taping this, I got a text from a woman who is a keynote speaker. She's from Venezuela. And she spoke today at this huge conference in Dallas with 3,000 women at it that I am the closing keynote speaker for. And I guess she has been following my career and she's always wanted to meet me. And I love meeting other speakers on the corporate circuit. I love supporting

other people who are up and coming. I want to get as many diverse and female voices on these stages as I possibly can. And so if I can make the time I always do, do you know what her specialty is? What she teaches Google and Microsoft and people around the world? How to conquer your fears? Are you kidding me? Is that not synchronicity? So I'm going to take a quick pause for our sponsors. And when we come back, you're going to hear the moment she knocks on the door of my hotel room. I've never met this woman. Her name is Michelle Polar. She's a best-selling author. And her book is called Hello Fierce. Crush your comfort zone and become who you're meant to be. And the book documents are doing a hundred things that she's afraid of. And

here's like, it's just unbelievable to me that she teaches people around the world about conquering their fears. And here we are, doing a podcast in real time, and she is on her way up, and she's gonna tell you the best tips for conquering your fear. And sometimes, I feel like God, the universe, whatever you believe, so has our back on this podcast, making things happen, having these synchronicities happen.

I cannot wait for her to get up here because I feel like it is meant to be. We'll be right back. All right, it's Mal and Michelle Polar's about to walk in. I've never met her. I hope this is good. I'm sure it will be. You know what's amazing? This entire podcast is one giant trust fall. I'm like, you know what we're going to do? We're going to talk about the number one fear in the world, which is public speaking. And I went to sit down, I get this text, it's from a woman who wrote a book called Hello Fear

that's speaking at the same thing as me. And I think in life, you got to learn how to trust fall. You got to take that step forward before you're ready. There's that famous Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. quote about how I'm going to just completely get this wrong, but it's about how you don't need to see the whole staircase. You just need to take that first step and the staircase appears. And it is so true. And that's why I'm so excited for this. And I'm even starting to get nervous because I'm looking at my phone and she has two hours

to catch a flight. And she's speaking at another event across the country tomorrow morning so she can't miss it. We got like 10 minutes to squeeze the sun. 10 minutes. But I'm doing a trustful and so is she. Are they here? Really? They're here? Knock on the door! They're here. Knock on the door. Welcome to Bellhound in my house. See yourself. Are you sitting down? Because we're going to make sure we're going to fast. Yes, yes, yes. Okay.

This is crazy. It's really crazy. I love it. Okay. There she is. You're so cute. Thank you. That's fun.

Amazing. Oh, thank you so much. It's a huge fun. Well, we're now huge fans of yours. Cool. That's fun. That's amazing. Oh, thank you so much. I'm huge fan. Well, we're now huge fans of yours. Cool. I love it. Okay. So, we're talking about fear.

Yes. My favorite topic. Hello, fears. Crush your comfort zone and become who you're meant to be. Hello, fears. Yeah. What made you decide that you were going to conquer your fears by facing 100 fears in 100 days?

Like, why on earth did you do that? Oh my gosh, because I moved to New York, the city of my dreams, and I was not living my dream because I was too much in my comfort zone. And I heard this song by one republic that called I Lift, and they're saying about all the bones they broke and the hearts they broke. And I'm like, I've never broken a bone in my life

or a heart or whatever. I'm like, I'm not living. I started crying because I realized, like I'm alive, but I'm not living. And I wanna live my life. Okay, hold on. That was a big one. I'm alive, but I'm not living.

I think a ton of people just went, shit, I'm alive, but I'm not living. And I was checking all the boxes. I was doing all the right things. I had a good job. I was already married. I was living in New York. You know, everything was like in paper, perfect.

But I wonder, am I happy or am I comfortable? And that's very different. Yes. So you go to your husband, what's his name? Adam. You turn to Adam and say, even though we've got this dialed in, I've decided I'm going to go and face my fears for a hundred days. Yeah.

Did he look at you and say, absolutely, you're crazy. No, he said, I'll support you 100%. I'll help you face all your fears. Wow. So did you take, like, leave from your job or what did you do? No, it was, you cannot imagine. I was every single day I would wake up really early either to face a fear in the morning. Then I would go to my job.

I was in advertising. And then I was doing a masters in branding at the School of Visual Arts in New York every single day of the week. So I would have to either face a fear early in the morning during my lunch time before I go to the masters or right after like at 10 p.m. And then every day I would come back, edit a video and upload that to YouTube, put it on all the social media channels

and then go to bed for like three, four hours and then go back. You know what this proves? This proves that if you feel like you don't have enough time, you don't have a big enough exciting game to play. And there's even research about this, that ironically, if you're super, super busy, the best way to reclaim your time

is by adding in something really meaningful or challenging, and that's exactly what you did. Yes, yeah, yeah. What was the scariest thing that you did out of the hundred? I will tell you something. I get that question. I just got it today, speaking twice. Yeah.

And it's really hard to answer because the biggest fear is the one you haven't conquered. Is the one you haven't faced. So if you ask me this in the middle of the challenge, I would say the next 50 fears. Right. But now looking back, I can't even choose one because this is how my everyday would look like.

I would be like, okay, today was not that bad. Tomorrow I will die. And the next day, same thing. Okay, not that bad. Tomorrow I will be the worst one. And then it was never as bad. What was the one that you had the most anticipatory, holy shit, I might actually die if I do this?

Well, you will not guess my answer right is stand up comedy. It was, but it's stand-up comedy. Huh! It was so scary! Doing a stand-up comedy, so much more scary than I could ever imagine in a club in New York and from a real audience, also scary. More than like skydiving and even posting nude

in front of a drawing class, that was a really tough one. You won, I did. In front of a drawing class. Yeah. That was one of the scariest ones. So what was that like? It was really transformation of the whole experience because when I started, I was so self-aware.

I wanted to be as skinny as I can and like hide all my imperfections and then slowly, as the time progressed, what I realized is that I'm not giving anything to the audience. I want to draw something interesting because I'm just here thinking about myself. So are you setting there like cross legs? Yes, arms and cross your boobs. You're like, that's my good chin angle. Like that kind of thing.

Yes. And then when I saw the other models, they were all, like they have curves and hair everywhere. And I'm like, and I shaved before coming here. So I started bending more and creating interesting shapes and I was like, it's not about me, it's about them and at the end, no one's judging us in the same way that we judge ourselves.

Hmm. Why is it important for the person that is listening to us right now, driving their car, walking by themselves. Why is it important for that human being to face their fear? I think the most important thing is that we get to live our most authentic lives. How is fear the access to your most authentic life? Because we hide ourselves, we hide who we are, we hide our needs because it is scary

to speak up. it is scary to speak up. It is scary to show ourselves. It is scary to experience rejection. You know, when we show who we really are and we will experience rejection when we show who we really are, but you know, it's not a matter of being liked by everybody's, a matter of resonating with the right people and attracting to you and to your life the right kind of people, the people that value who you really are.

So you don't have to hide or create like this fake filter of yourself. Oh my gosh. I just had this huge insight that I want to share with everyone listening. And it's about the nude modeling experience that you just described. So you had a breakthrough when you realize that the art students weren't judging you. In fact, they appreciated everything about you, every nook, every cranny, every last part of your body that you had just shaved, everything about you. And that made you realize that you are the one judging yourself. They weren't.

And you know what it goes to show you? It shows you the power of being surrounded by supportive people. And it never would have even occurred to me that modeling nude would teach you that. See, I thought the lesson would be about you just being able to sit nude in front of strangers for an hour, but it was about something so much more profound. It's about the power of other people supporting you. Wow. What did you learn about yourself by doing the 100 days, 100 fears project? So I learned that that feeling that you get when you're about to face a fear, you know

that feeling it's in your heart and it's telling you don't do it Yeah, don't do it. That's like probably your ego trying to protect you from facing rejection or embarrassment or like losing your job or whatever it is. I always Like perceived that feeling as a sign that my body is telling me don't go that way right after facing my fears and going through that feeling over and over again, what I see is that that's also the feeling that tells you that there's growth there. And I never saw it like that. So I ran away every single time and I missed out on so many opportunities because I was like, nope, my intuition, I thought it was my intuition. But it was just,

I think, my ego or whatever it is that's trying to protect me from facing my fears. I thought it was my intuition, but it was just, I think, my ego or whatever it is that's trying to protect me from facing my fears. I thought, you know, telling me not to go that way, and it was exactly where I had to go. So now, every time I experience that and I feel uncomfortable, I choose growth. So I get that question a lot, and I would love to hear your answer or any tool that you may have for somebody who doesn't know the difference between true intuition and fear that's holding them back from reaching their potential. What's a tool or a technique somebody can use to try to tease that difference out? Whenever I'm about to do something that is outside of my comfort zone. And I have that feeling immediately.

I can see how my body's telling me, don't do it. And all of this fears and negative thoughts start to pop into my brain and it feels like a brick wall. And I can't see past that. And it's only when you focus on the rewards that you get to see past those fears. So a lot of people will ask you the question, what's the worst that can happen, right?

And then that's a really bad question. Do not ask that question because you'll see the worst. What I ask people is not change the question to what's the best that can happen. That's the only way you will get to see the rewards that are expecting you in the other side of fear. And if those rewards are not really exciting for you, then maybe that's a fear not worth facing.

But if they are, then you have to go maybe that's a fear not worth facing. But if they are, then you have to go for it despite the fear that it may bring. I love that reframe because you're right. When somebody says, well, what's the worst thing that could happen that actually has you laser focus on a fear which magnifies even the smallest worst thing that could happen.

But when you reframe it to, well, what's the best thing that could happen? You see, things in a whole different way. Just today, I spoke three times at this event and it was a new presentation. So, so nervous. And I told this to my community, I'm like, I'm really nervous. I'm giving out this new presentation, new material, and somebody asked me, what's the best I can have in because I know that's my language. And it helped me so much, so much. I immediately imagine my room full of people,

people clapping, people laughing, people being inspired, even crying, you know what I'm like, I'm ready, I'm ready for this. So I'd love to get your advice because we've been talking about the fear of public speaking and how terrified so many people are of public speaking and not even just getting on a stage but even just sharing an idea and a meeting at work

or starting a hard conversation or that moment where you're at a meeting at school and you wanna say something, but your fear holds you back and keeps you silent. What advice do you have to help somebody learn how to conquer their fear of speaking either on a stage or at work or being more vocal in life? For me, what helps me the most is to feel like I own my story, in life. For me, what helps me the most is to feel like I own my story, to make it ownable. Even if you have to share your, the profits of the year or whatever, share your personal story behind that, like attach some of your, you know, your, your journey to whatever

you want to share. For example, it's so easy to go on Google and, and, and research, what am I going to talk about? Let me talk about this topic and Google will tell you the answer. And then anybody can Google that same answer. But only you can share a very personal story about that. For example, when they invited me to speak at Facebook, they asked me specifically to talk about the Imposter Syndrome. Okay.

Like everybody here experiences that, please talk about it. And I serve researching what's the Imposter Syndrome, how to get over the imposter syndrome. I started adding that to my presentation. And I'm like, what am I doing? I'm just repeating what Google is telling me is that even legal? No. I should be talking from my own experience. I thought when was the time where I experienced the imposter syndrome? And what helped me in that moment. I added that story to my presentation, and even today I shared, I've been sharing that story for seven years.

What is the story? Oh my God. So it was a time where I was just starting as a speaker. How old were you? I, not that long ago, I was after the 100-day project. So I faced 100 fears. The last one was to speak on TEDx.

And that's what launched my career as a speaker. And that was in 2015. So I started speaking in 2016, let's say. And so they hired me to speak at ESPN. And I was very nervous, but I'm very excited. And then the speaker that went right before me was the most exceptional speaker you can think of. And guess what?

She was also the first speaker today at the event. So full circle. Yes, hi Carla. Yeah, so she was amazing. She was exceptional. And then I had to follow that act. And I was so nervous. I was, I experienced the imposter syndrome.

I'm like, if that's a speaker, I'm not a speaker. Like, I'm not that. And I was just starting. So I felt very intimidated by her. And I thought, I have to be more like her. I have to be more polish. I have to speak perfect English. I have to answer better. Like she's answering all these awesome questions. Like it was horrible that feeling of comparison, right? And then after the event, I went to the happy hour and I was hesitant to go, but I'm so glad that I went because that night, so many

people approached me to tell me that I was also one of the highlights of the day for them, and that they appreciated how real I was, and what I thought was like my imperfect side of myself was exactly what resonated with them. So the more real you are, the more you can own your authentic self, your story, that's what people want to hear more than anything else. Amazing. I know you have a plane to catch. Yeah. It's crazy.

It is so crazy. Thank you for reaching out to me. I am thrilled that you did. I love supporting other women on the corporate stage. Any final words? Any final words? What's the best it can happen? What's the best it can happen?

Hello fears. Yeah, hello fears. Thank you. So that was Michelle. Any final words? What's the best it can happen? What's the best it can happen? Hello fears. Yeah, hello fears. Thank you. So that was Michelle. Wasn't she just fantastic? Oh my gosh. I just loved that. Well, I've got another surprise for you after we hear a short word from our sponsors

because when you come back, you're going to be joining me on that stage after a tech rehearsal for that big speech in Dallas. So don't go anywhere. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins, and today I'm bringing you to work. We are facing our fears, and in just a minute, you are going to be joining me at the Dallas Convention Center, where I'm going to be speaking to almost 3,000 executives in the food service industry.

And we're talking about how you face your fears and why you got to just trust fall into life. Now before we jump over to the convention center, I wanted to take a moment and just highlight a few really important takeaways and lessons that I want to be sure that you got as you were listening to that really fun and spontaneous conversation that I had with Michelle in my hotel room. So remember how Michelle was talking about how she was alive, but she wasn't living. So I want to ask you, are there aspects in your life? Were you that way too? Were you feel alive, but you're just not living. There's something bigger, a higher purpose, more self-expression that's available to you. You know it, but

it's only available if you're willing to do that trustful, to face your fears. Because at some point you have to stop gripping if you're truly going to live. And so number one, I want you to follow Michelle's example. First of all, she reached out to me. And I'm sure there were a little bit of fear and trepidation there when she did because, as she told you, I'm somebody that she really looks up to. And I bet you've had the experience of texting people that you admire and they don't respond at all.

So here she DMs me and that's one example of a trust fall in life and facing your fear. And then I, of course, respond. I'm like, yeah, come by. And she says, okay. And even though she's only got two hours to catch a flight and she's got to go across country for work, she comes here alone.

There's another trust fall. And by the way, I told her, oh, yeah, when you stop by, I'm gonna have the mics ready because I wanna ask you a few questions. And instead of being like, she was like, okay, I'm in trust fall. And didn't you love how when she showed up, she just went with it.

And she poured herself into you and you loved her energy. And I want to tell you something, you root for somebody like that. Because you are experiencing somebody who is facing their fears, tapping into their energy. And I am here to tell you, there is that same energy, that same aliveness, that vibrancy, that is inside of you and it's going to come alive when you face your fears. And it could look like anything. There's something that you want to do. I know my son wants to go skydiving for his 18th birthday.

I made him a promise. I'd do it with him. It is my biggest fear of them being buried alive. But I do not want to do it. I'm starting to feel a little bit of vomit in the back of my throat and a nervous stomach, just even thinking about it. But I'm going to do it because I also want to reach and experience the full potential of my life.

And I know every time that fear holds me back, I'm limiting myself and you are doing the exact same thing. It is time to stop just being alive and truly start living. You have a big, beautiful, amazing life that is just waiting for you to trust fall into it. Remember what Michelle said, ask yourself this, what's the best thing that could happen? What if it all works out? Because when you place a bet on your life and on yourself,

something magical happens. It always does. And speaking of magical things, now I want to take you to work with me. Let's you and I go to the Dallas Convention Center. things. Now I want to take you to work with me. Let's you and I go to the Dallas Convention Center. I'm there. I'm the closing keynote speaker. There's going to be 3,000 women executives from the food service industry attending a leadership conference that I'm giving a keynote address at. I'm about to finish our rehearsal. And I've got about a half an hour before they open the doors and let the audience come in. So let's go. I am here at the Dallas Convention Center, and right now it's quiet, because they have not opened the doors for the audience.

And so we just had our tech rehearsal before the event, and I'm standing here on stage. I want to thank Amy for sitting here with me and running this portable equipment so I could talk to you. And I thought that I would take advantage of this very quiet moment to tell you a couple tips that will help you manage your fear. Number one, you need to know why facing this fear matters to you. If you don't have a reason why you want to face it, for example, facing my fear of jumping out of a plane with our son on his 18th birthday, here's why it matters to me to do that,

even though I am literally terrified to do that. The reason why this matters to me is I don't want my fear to rob me of missing out on a once in a lifetime experience with Oakley, our two daughters, and my husband. That is gonna be so incredible. They're gonna talk about it for the rest of my lifetime. And I want to be there

and I don't want my fear to stop me from doing it. And the reason why identifying your fear is so important is because it's not until you have a reason why this matters to you that you are actually going to push yourself to do it. Now, the second thing that you should do that is going to help you manage your fears is always remind yourself that there is a much greater purpose to conquering this fear of yours. And oftentimes you won't know the reason why until years from now. And you got to trust that. See, you need to face this because someday the story of you telling other people about

you facing it, it's going to change someone else's life. It will be exactly what they need to hear. And so if you're afraid of speaking in public, do what I do. I imagine that there is just one person that I'm speaking to in that audience. So for example, today, there are going to be 3,000 people in the audience. But before I take the stage, number one, I remind myself why it matters to me to do this. And then number two, I remind myself that I'm only just talking to the one person out there who needs to hear what I'm about to say today. I literally, I'm not kidding, I forget about the

other 2,999 people because they don't matter. And so if you're going to do your first live stream ever for your business and you're going to put yourself out there, you are doing it for the one person that needs to hear it. When you're a crabby sister in law logs on, do not freak out because you're not talking to her. You are sharing your story and your face in your fear because you know there's one person that is looking for the encouragement or the story or whatever

it is, the guidance that you're about to give. So let me give you another example. Let's say you want to make a difference in your local community and there is this really big town hall meeting coming up about a very important issue in your town and you will be able to face your fears and stand up in that town hall meeting coming up about a very important issue in your town. And you will be able to face your fears and stand up in that town hall meeting. And you will be able to share what you believe because you will know why this matters to you. And you will also tell yourself that there is one person in that audience in that town hall, just one person that really needed you to stand up and say what you were going to say.

They needed to hear you say it out loud. You wanted to why? Because they were too scared to. So you're actually conquering your fear for both of you. And don't ever forget that you can be nervous and still speak. You can be afraid and still jump out of that plane. You can be on edge and stand up at that town hall meeting and share your feelings on an important issue. You can do that. And your life is going to expand in ways that you don't even realize when you start doing it. And now I want to move into tool number three.

So tool number three is something I've been using for boy the past seven years. It's really incredible. And it comes from research at Harvard Medical School. It's a simple reframe. And here's how it works. The next time you're feeling nervous and those butterflies kick in. Just start telling yourself, I'm so excited. I'm so excited to jump out of this plane.

I'm so excited to stand up at Town Hall and cheer my opinion. I'm so excited to take this test, to give this speech. Now, this mind trick has hard science and research behind it. And I'm going to link to the study from Harvard. It's entitled, Reframing Performance Anxiety. So you definitely want to share this with kids or anybody that is doing anything at a competitive level and they get like the jitters before they're about to do a track

meter, play in a football game. In short, here's what they learned based on the research. You and I can trick our brains into believing that we're actually excited to do something that we're really nervous to do. I kid you not. It makes no sense, but once I explain this in detail, you're not only going to trust it, you're going to know why it works. It has to do with how your body experiences feelings of nervousness and excitement. So when you feel nervous or excited, have you ever noticed how you hyper focus on that thing that's making you nervous or excited? I'm so excited to go on this date tonight and it's all you think about and you work yourself up into a tizzy like you can't think about anything else as the day gets closer and closer and closer and you're excited about it but your head is spinning and your

stomach is in knots and your armpits are sweating through the outfit that you're going to wear or what about oh my god I'm so nervous for this interview tomorrow. Oh, I really want this job And it's all you think about and then you work yourself up into a tizzy and your stomach gets in knots And you sweat through the shirt that you're gonna wear because you're thinking about it and thinking about it It's like you hyper focus on it. Well guess what? nervousness and excitement They're literally opposite sides of the exact same coin

nervousness and excitement are two emotions that make you go into hyperfocus. What they're doing is they're triggering you to get really alert and focused on something that's about to happen. And the problem with nervousness is that when you get too nervous, you screw up. And so, excitement is something that you want to feel because excitement is when you're hyper-focused but you're positive about it. And according to the research at Harvard, you and I can easily flip our brains into thinking that you're excited for that interview, even though you feel nervous about it. And the reason why that matters is that if you can stay in a mindset that you're excited, you won't derail your performance.

You will be able to face the nerves and the fear, and you will be able to not only conquer it, but you'll be able to perform like a rock star. And this is so important, this reframing, that I want to go deeper. I want to truly explain what's happening in your body, particularly when it's a situation that makes you nervous. You're going on a really high stakes interview, or you've never spoken in public, and you really want to stand up and speak about the zoning issue in town hall.

This really matters to you. Or you really want to show up and do that thing with your family. You do not want to keep missing out. This really matters to you. And you do not want to let nervousness take over because it will escalate into fear and paralyze you. And so let's dig into what is truly happening in your body when you're nervous because, again, you're learning that nervousness and excitement are super closely related. They make you hyperfocus and we're going to use that to our advantage. So let's start with nervousness. The thing about nervousness is nervousness is just your body trying to get you into an alert state because what you're about to do requires you to concentrate.

So for example, you get nervous before a test because it's important and you have to concentrate and you care about the outcome. That's what nerves are about. It's about getting you to get into an alert state. Now, let me explain why your stomach has butterflies when you're nervous and why you have to pee and why your heart races and why your armpit sweat. This is all part of an automatic response in your body

to either something that is exciting or something that is stressful. And when you roll back the clock in terms of evolution and you take a look at stress, we could spend hours and hours and hours talking about this, but I'm just gonna boil it down so that you have enough understanding to trust what I'm telling you about why reframing nerves works.

This is from research at Harvard Medical School. And the reason why reframing stressful situations into excitement works is because there's no physiological difference in your body between a moment that's stressful and a moment that's exciting. Your body has the same alert response to it. All of the blood goes to your heart, it goes to your brain, and that means it leaves your digestive tract because honestly you don't need to be digesting food if you're going to take a test. You don't need to be digesting food if you're going to sing on a stage.

You don't need to be digesting food if you're going to give a speech. So the blood goes to your heart so that you can move and it goes to your brain so you can think. And I'm dumbing this down. I realize there's a lot more complex science, but just the chemical structure, physiological structure changes. That's where the butterflies come in. See the butterflies aren't there because your nerves are excited.

The butterflies are there because the blood flow increased to your heart, which is why your heart is racing. And the butterflies are due to that chemical change from the blood going to the heart and not being in the digestive track. That's what that is, dude. That's also why you have to pee. Because you're not going to need to pee on stage, you're not going to need to pee while you're singing. And so your body has this natural response in exciting or stressful situations to dump what's ever in your bladder or in your battles. Why? So that you can focus and so that you can run faster or perform better. That's why this happens. And so one of the mistakes that people make is that when they get nervous and they start getting butterflies, you think the butterflies are signed that you're about to fuck up. Now it's a sign that your body's getting ready to do something.

And you get to decide whether you call the thing you're about to do, exciting or scary. This is from research at Harvard Medical School, where they studied people in situations that made them nervous, job interviews, giving a speech, participating in a debate competition, singing, and running an attract meet. And they taught all of these people to tell themselves they were excited to do the thing that made them nervous and it helped them perform better. And the reason why reframing stressful situations into excitement works is because there's no difference between you walking on to a stage and your heart racing and your

armpit sweating and your throat being dry and your stomach being... See, we are backstage. We're going to let the applause die down. Your stomach being in knots, which is a situation that makes you nervous, or you going to a concert and your favorite brand. I can't wait to see coal play this fall. When they take that stage, let me tell you something. Right before they come on, I'm going to have to pee. They're going to be tarot dactyls in my stomach. My armpits are going to be sweating. My heart's

going to be racing, but I'm excited because I said I'm excited. So reframing works. And here's the really important reason why this matters. Not only are you not going to freak yourself out, they're going, oh my god, I'm so excited. It's really, really, really, really, really. Which only increases how stressed you are, by the way. But by telling yourself you're excited, you stabilize yourself, your thoughts don't race. And so I think they're getting close. So I got a short change this science lesson right now.

And I realize it's very elementary. But I want you to understand why you get butterflies and it's not because you're about to fuck up. It's because you're about to do something that you can do and that matters so go frickin do it which is what I'm gonna do. Let's do this! All right ladies get ready because I'm about to come all the stage. Please welcome the end of the terrible, now-all of it. Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professionals.

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