The Mel Robbins Podcast - Steal This From My Therapist: 2 Steps to Flip a Bad Day Into an Amazing One

Episode Date: October 24, 2022

You know those days when you just feel “off”? Well, last week, both my friend Amy and I were having bad days. Thankfully, I had just had an appointment with my amazing therapist that morning. So, as Amy and I started to talk about why we didn’t “feel like ourselves,” I got this crazy idea that maybe we should invite YOU to join us as the conversation started to unfold. We decided to turn on a recording device and unpack how we were feeling – on the fly. I need to say: I stole everything you’re about to hear from my therapist Anne, and you should steal it too. This is way more than just learning how to put on a happy face. These tools are truly transformational because they help you tap back into the incredible power within you. This is a very intimate and special episode that unfolds live. So I’m inviting you right now: pull up a seat at the kitchen table with Amy and me. Join us. Don’t just listen, but close your eyes and do the exercises with us. Do not miss out on what happens near the end. It is magical and I certainly did not see it coming. And I know you’re going to want to see the cowboy boots: don’t worry, they are in the show notes on my website here. Xo Mel

So it's Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. All right, I'm really excited to see what happens here because I was just sitting here with my good friend Amy and we were chatting up a storm and by the way, we also work together. And something happened, I thought, let's just hit record, because I said to Amy, how you doing? And she looked at me and she said,

like everything's great. And I'm just in a bad mood today. I feel like below the line, not so great. What does below the line mean? What does that mean? Below the line is like, it just means that you're in a state of mind where you basically can't really take responsibility for how you feel almost. Yeah, it's like a weird thing. I wish I could explain it better and maybe I will,

but it's kind of like you're just in kind of like blame mode where you're not taking responsibility for your own stuff and you're just kind of like, oh god, you know, my husband like, it's so annoying. Like that sort of thing. You feel like it's like a victim. So is that so when you say that you're because here's what I want you guys to know because you're going to get to know Amy as you begin listening to more and more podcast episodes. Because she's a really screwed up and- No, you are not. Well, I only have friends that are screwed up and that are working on it.

It's a privilege, Mal, thank you. No, because I don't like perfect people or people who pretend to be. Nobody does. And I also don't like shallow conversations. Right, 100%. And if you go deep with anybody, what you actually hit are the things that people are working on.

Right. And so one of the things that, that, first of all, I got to say is that when you said, I don't feel like myself. I'm in a bad mood today. Yeah. I have never experienced you in a bad mood. I know. I know that sounds bad, but like I know. I really experienced you in a bad mood. I know I know I know that sounds bad But like I know I really experienced myself in a bad mood

So I don't like this feeling. I'm kind of like you know, maybe you can hear it in my voice I feel like I'm gonna cry a little bit like yeah You did look like you well you did look at one point. Yeah, like you had these glassy Light light blue beautiful eyes, but they started getting a little watery. I know. As you said, I'm kind of sad. And they're mad. You said mad though, I thought you said. Did I say that?

Or bad mood? You said bad, these are all words that rhyme. Bad sad, mad. Well, let's turn this into rad. So here's what I wanted to talk to you about. Yeah. I had a therapy call this morning and this tool that my therapist and Daven

just shared with me. I not only think I know it's going to help you because it really helped me. But before I share that tool with you, I just want to ask you a question. You said something about like you need to take responsibility for how you're feeling or whatever. Why can't you just be in a bad mood? I think there are two parts to it. Number one, I don't like the feeling of being in a bad mood.

Let's unpack that. And then number two is, I don't know how to be in a bad mood. And just let it go. Like, feel the feelings and just let them go. It's like, I feel kind of like, I don't know how do I do this? Like, how do I manage myself through this bad mood? Because I'll tell you what,

like when you're somebody, when you have this, I don't even know how to say this, but I'll just say it very plainly. Like, when you're normally in a good mood, and then you're in a bad mood, people notice. You will ask you, like, hey, what's up? And you kind of feel like, am I the barometer? Like, this is, I'm having a bad day.

I just need my time. And then so that external stuff, the people asking you about it, makes you feel kind of like, what is going on? What is happening with me? Did something happen or did you just wake up in a bad mood? I just woke up in a bad mood. I blame menopause. I just got a good call.

No, I wanted to share something with you because then you also said, I'm just trying to hook into like, how do I feel or what the hell is happening? And I haven't felt like this in a long time. Okay, so that's what I wanted to share with you. Yeah. So I have just spent the last 14 days on the road. And normally being on the road is a huge fricking shape. And the past 14 days has been the exact opposite of that.

We went to Montreal and everything was smooth sailing. The speech was great. We had a great dinner when we got there. And then I got a text from my friend, Jay Shetty, and he's like, hey, Mel, are you in Montreal? And I'm like, yeah, I'm at the four seasons. And he's like, oh, I'm here too. He's six floors above me.

So I go up, we hang out. I then fly to Boston. I see my daughter. I see some friends. I then fly to a family wedding in Montana., I see some friends, I then fly to a family wedding in Montana, I see Chris, we have this incredible time, it was an amazing, like just imagine a cool Montana wedding. And as we're driving up here, from New York City, it is the most spectacular, spectacular fall.

Yeah. I have ever seen in my entire life in New England. I agree. And I am soaking it in, not to mention, if we want to make the image perfectly Disney-esque, I have a brand new baby puppy in your lab. And I am just soaking it in and then I get a text. And I learn that we have just surpassed a half a million downloads in one week flat.

On our, like it is, it is Amy's last two to three months. Pure perfection. Oh yeah. Yeah, to three months, pure perfection. Oh, yeah. Yeah, just like actual magic. People like just everything. It is like driving up whatever, third avenue in New York City or Lexington or whatever. And every light turn, green, right. And you are just catching it and catching. And you're on your way to a massage appointment.

Oh, that would be amazing. That's right. Like it's like going to end. Yeah, totally. So we pull in to the house. Yeah. I get out of the car. My husband, Chris, comes out of the house, beautiful house that we've been building.

And the man is wearing a red flannel shirt. Yes. He looks very Vermont handsome. He had clogs on. He had clogs with wool socks on. Yup. Yup. He was just looking amazing.

Yes. The colors are exploding. I see two women that I adore, that I love. I see Amy who you're listening to. I see Jessie. Yeah. It's just perfection. Yes.

And as I walk into this house, and I see you guys, I feel a massive wave of anxiety. Maybe you felt my anxiety? I don't know. It wasn't yours. It was mine. You felt some, okay, it wasn't yours.

It was mine. Yeah. And I felt myself literally leaving my body. And gosh, I put my hand on my heart and I use the tools from the episode that we did with Dr. Kennedy about healing anxiety. And I started like saying, okay, that's the alarm of little mel. And what is little mel trying to tell me right now?

Because it's a very familiar feeling, just like I, but kind of feeling either sad or low energy or angry or whatever it might be that you're feeling is somewhere deep down a very familiar feeling. Yes. And so I tell myself, okay, Mal, you're okay right now. I love you.

It's okay. You know, I know you all of a sudden feel sad for some reason. And I did. I felt like what I would describe is I felt this heaviness all of a sudden. I felt this sadness. And the second you feel, or for me, what I learned from Dr. Kennedy in that episode is the second that you feel that sort of negative

sensation in your body, I could feel myself doing exactly what Dr. Kennedy taught us in episode four, which is I could feel myself going up into my brain and saying, what's wrong with me? I don't feel like myself. Why do I feel like this? And then I start scanning around me and I go, oh, it's because I'm here and our family is texting about this puppy because he's just arrived and our girls are going, I wish I were there, I wish we were there. And it makes me sad that they can't be here because they can't drive from LA right now. And they've got a job in Boston right now and I felt this deep sadness and I'm like, but I don't think that's what it is. So fast forward and low and behold,

it wasn't a massage appointment that was waiting for me when those green lights on third avenue kept hitting. I had a therapy call in place for today. And so when I get on with my just profoundly gifted therapist, and you go to therapy, and you are my saving grace. I love this one. Mine too. And you didn't know this. But it's a two for one when you talk to mell I get the I get the goods. I always unpack my therapy sessions with you or with really good. Yeah. And she's unbelievable. Unbelievable. So I say to her, I explain this whole delicious Disney scene. Just like your life has been this Disney-esque thing for the last two months, right?

Of everything is working. Yeah. Even in the ups and downs, it's working, right? It's like, yeah. And I say to her, after describing these past 14 amazing days, she had me close my eyes and she asked me where on my body was I feeling this thing. And I said it was for me, it was almost like a brass corset

that you would expect somebody to wear on house of dragons around my lower ribs. Where do you feel like the heaviness in the sadness? to wear on house to dragons around my lower ribs. Where do you feel like the heaviness in the sadness? Like the upper chest, maybe even into the neck, and the tightness there. So she told me to close my eyes once I had that kind of what is it made of, what is the shape,

and now, and what is your thing made of, like when you feel that sadness? It's kind of like an oil slick. Whoa Really it's viscous like that. It is it's it's it's Vickish and yeah and viscous Wow Wow So she told me to kind of Imagine that thing floating away from my body so I could see it

in space. And then she told me, I want you to imagine, for me, it was this copper, like corset thing. I want you to imagine that it's now taking the shape of you at a younger age. Do you have an age of mind? I always ate. It's always my age, so yes. Okay. I had one too. It was high school. It was a high school.

Oh, and then all of a sudden, and I had a very specific memory of me in high school. And the memory is one of the worst things that ever happened to me. Yeah. I'm almost embarrassed to tell you that. Oh, gosh. And... Help me. Well, what was it?

Senior Year of High School, our English teacher decided to be really awesome. If we read Dante's, what is it? Dante's in Ferno. Ferno. Right. And then as a wonderful exercise of learning how to write in that cantoce or whatever happens. That we would each be, you know, this is Simon Towns-Dorky right away, but yeah. We had to write one in that cantoes, what format poem thing, sending someone else in the class to hell. Wow.

And then, and then, what the fuck, kind of high school? And then, yeah, public high school. And then, that teacher left immediately after that year was done. And then, it gets worse. After turning it in, yeah.

What? You read them out loud? Of course. God damn it. The first like six or seven were about me. No. And if I'm being honest, I was an asshole in high school. Like I was a complete insecure, anxiety-ridden, like pretentious,

condescending insecure. I had not processed a single bit of my trauma. I had not even remembered that I had been molested. Like that's how just miserable I was and how raging the anxiety is. I don't blame everybody. I would have pick Mel Robin. I will Mel Schneburger. But Mel Schneburger insecure in that seat. You must have dealt with that in the most horrific way. Like you couldn't process that. I sat there, Amy, and said, I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry.

I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to try. Right. And then what happened? I could feel that tears coming in. I up and half the classroom and left the school and did not go back to school for a couple days. That is unbelievable.

Yeah. And on one hand, I go, well, you fucking deserved it because you were a complete bitch. Seriously. And on the other hand, I knew how much I was struggling. I knew how much I hated myself. I knew how insecure I was. And so that was the memory that came to mind.

Because I immediately felt that pain of sitting there in that moment and my ribcage tightening, like the armor going up. And so I then said, but wait a minute, here's what I'm realizing. When my anxiety started to truly spiral, and I would say things really started spinning at a control for me junior year of high school, every fall, despite the fact that it was my favorite season, was the most acute moment for me in my anxiety. And every fall, junior and senior year of high school, every fall of Dartmouth, the fall I spent overseas, horrible, the three falls I spent

law school, horrible, and then I met Chris, the first year I lived in New York, at the end of the fall season. And I said to her, I said, I think there is a connection with this feeling and the season of fall. And what's, why? Like, what do you think that's all about? Well, she said, well, it makes sense because here you are at a moment in your development where you're basically, I think the word is individuating in the...

Yes, is that the right word? I mean, I don't know if it's individuating, but yeah, like you're becoming your own self and you're like realizing your shit and like taking responsibility for it. Yes, yeah. And you're not diagnosed with anxiety yet. Right.

And you are coping with alcohol and by attaching yourself in a very suffocating, meaning mel, you're suffocating him. You're really a shit. Yeah. And, you know, you're suffocating him. Really? Yeah. And, you know, I even said to her, I didn't really engage in classes either. No. Like, I literally was checked out for most of my colleges. I, I relate to that so much.

Like, and everybody says, like, college is this amazing time. Like, when you have trauma in your past, like you can barely remember it. You're like, I hope I did okay. Yeah. I have report cards that are in my dresser and my parents' house that have never been opened. Like, I was just like, I hope I did okay. I couldn't even look at them.

So yeah, it's like, it's, it's, yes, you're in college and you're having a hard time. And so I then kept going and she said, and there's two things going on. You process seasons and seasonal changes both through the limbic brain and through circadian rhythm. Okay.

And so you're processing things from a psychological and a emotional and chemical and physiological level. And as the days get shorter and as night starts to go and as this huge season of chain happens. And smell too. Let the smell of fall and fall. Yep. All the triggers of fall, they're huge.

Yep. And she said that, you know, this is triggering all your stored memories of all the very difficult transitions that you went through as a young adult in fall, marked by your self-hatred, marked by your disassociation. Wow. So it gets even cooler and better. So I'm now like, oh my God, I have to move from Vermont.

I can't live in the mountains, I can't listen around if I the fall. This place is all pumpkin lattes and corn socks and farms and the leecher and leaf beaver's getting a fuck out of here. Yeah. And then she said, and your primary, primary symptom when you felt injured or scared or alone or sad is to disassociate and disconnect. And then she says, and I want you to consider that you have done two years of intense therapy. You've done two years of intense, two years of intentional changes in your business, in where you live, in your marriage, in your own psychology, your own nervous system. And she said, you are strengthening this muscle inside of you to be in a state of flow, to be present, to be your full expression, to allow happiness and connection in, to let the love in, and you just in the past 14 days, Mel.

You just were the purest expression of your highest self, and you have figured out through what you do, whether it's talking to people that you bump into, that are fans that are impacted by your work as you're eating dinner or you're walking down the street, that is a pure expression of the light inside you. If you're standing on a stage, if you're seeing friends who are magically like J.W. was six stories above. If you're allowing people to celebrate you, if you're creating, because I said, or I have never felt more creatively energized, she said, of course not, because you're letting love in.

And because you are letting people in and because you are working so hard on your own healing, right? You're able to receive. But let me tell you, and this is where she flipped it on me. Oh, God. And where I think that there is a connection for you. Yeah. This is where Anne flipped the pancake, and I was ready.

Yeah. You know, there are those pieces that get left on the pan. It gets. She goes. You have not done that work yet completely in your private life. So when you're with friends, when you're creating something, when you're out and about and in the world, and you are channeling all of who you are into service and making a difference through the work that you do and how you show up for other people. She said, we have been working in therapy

on you being able to do that same thing for yourself as an individual when you're in private moments. And so she said, it's not surprising that since you are plugged into this part of you that can channel magic and the divine and flow states and quantum and you are your highest level of service that when you're driving up to Vermont and you're highly connected to all these beautiful colors and you're in a state of awe and it's just incredible. And then you walk into this beautiful house and all there is to do is for you to just be that injured part of you that that kid that was sitting in that seat in high school being sent to hell that kid that felt lonely or sad or unseen, that part of you looks for a place to plug in. And she said, and what you always did is you disassociated. And that's all that's happened.

And she also then said the fact that you recognized it, the fact that you recognized that your mind started racing for answers. So of course you would go, well, my daughters aren't here, that's why I said that's why I said. That's not why I feel this. I feel this because my body, and I learned this from Dr. Becky, you are an adult living in the body that you were born in,

fashioned by the experiences that your mind doesn't have a story to tell about. And so I still have that body of feeling sad and feeling lonely and the only thing that my body does in those moments is it disassociates. And so the opportunity for me in those moments is to notice it,

to not try to change it. Right. Because I've decided that tonight, I said to Chris, all I want to do is lay on the couch with you and watch a movie. Right, like I used to do when I was a kid. Just want to watch a movie.

Sounds awesome. Okay, I'm going to stop talking because I really want to hear what Amy's thinking and I'm sure you do too. We're gonna do that next. I'm gonna stop talking because I really wanna hear what Amy's thinking and I'm sure you do too. We're gonna do that next.

I'm gonna stop talking because I really wanna hear what Amy's thinking. I'm sure you do too. We're gonna do that next. I'm sure you do too. I'm sure you do too. I'm sure you do too. I'm sure you do too. I'm sure you do too.

I'm sure you do too. I'm sure you do too. I'm sure you do too. I'm sure you do too. I'm sure you do too. I'm sure you do too. I'm sure Immediately when I, I, when you did that exercise with like, where do you feel, where do you feel your shit? I don't know what that exercise caused. Like where do you feel?

You close your eyes. And you like, where do you feel the pressure or the tension or the sadness? And tell everybody what you said again. Let's, and I'll walk you through it. Like my upper chest and my, and my neck area is where I felt it. And what do you feel it now? You know, it's still there, but it's it's significantly less. And can you visualize that oily viscous thing floating out in front of you? Yeah, I actually find it easier to take a step back from it, but yeah

and when you turn it into Yourself at any age. What is it? Oh, I immediately feel so bad for that kid just I just feel so bad for that kid and What comes up for me is just being left out, you know, not being like the favorite, not ever being able to be the favorite.

Did this happen because you listened to the episode on narcissism by any chance? I happened to do that. I happen to do that. Yes. Were you like the scapegoat of your family? I definitely was not the golden child. My brother was the golden child. And then of course my brother died.

My brother had cancer for two years. He died at the age of 12 and I was 10. And like when the golden child is six feet under, they are even more golden than, you know, like you can't compete with somebody who isn't even here. Like he was just so fantastic. And I mean that funny and not funny. Like he really was fantastic and also he was too fantastic for me. So yeah, I just and I am so I listened to the narcissist episode and I got so much from it. Even though I have studied that for a really long time, you know, it's still it comes up in layers, right? Like you're ready to hear one part and then you hear it a few months or a few years later and you're like, oh my god, I'm hearing this part and you can get stronger and stronger in it and

that means you have to understand more and more of it too. So, um, yeah, that was really helpful. And also, I'm doing work on that part. What triggered you today? What do you think is it like, because for me, I made a lot of sense for me when she said, you know, you have been really dialled in in a very field way and feeling very empowered. And at some point, you're gonna feel injured again. And it was the fall. And it was the, oh, she used this analogy. She said, it's like you've been riding a roller coaster

that was awesome. And then you get off that roller coaster and you feel shaky. Yeah, that's really good. You should just like record your therapy sessions then we don't have to talk about that. I have asked Anne, she said she is thinking about it. Okay, good.

I have asked her if she would be willing to come on once a month. Yeah. Yeah. And I would do therapy with her. It willing to come on once a month. Yeah. And I would do therapy with her. It's just so smart. Or anybody. Yeah, like that idea of the roller coaster, roller coaster, and you know what, what other thought I had to,

which was like, I hope I don't have this thought, but I think I have this thought, which is, the other shoe always has to drop. You know, like, it's so great. What are you gonna make that's, you know, gonna be shitty now because it just has to be shitty. You know, I just, I don't think I'm that person, but I was like, oh, am I that person?

That's like now making things bad because I can't cope with things that are really fucking awesome. I won't be able to deal with it. So I have to kind of like make things bad. And when there's nothing bad, this is what I'm learning about myself, is that this is such a coping mechanism to lower your expectations or to disassociate or to feel lonely or alone the story that you told yourself as a kid, even though yours was true, by the way.

Yeah, that did happen. It's true, and I don't need to believe it for myself now as an adult. I can let that go. But I think there's a lot of emotion in letting that go and just allowing that to come up is important and painful sometimes. It's painful, you know. It is. And I, you know, the more that I'm aware of sort of these moments where I disassociate or the injured part of me, appears from childhood. My natural instinct is to be like,

well, let's just have a drink. Yeah. Or let's just laugh this away. Or let's just ignore this sensation and get busy. Of course. And I'm trying so hard to get curious instead. Yeah. To go, oh, there it is. Don't start making up a story. Say it out loud yourself.

Oh, I'm actually feeling really sad. Out loud, you have to say it. Well, I am. I'm like, yeah, because otherwise I think about it. Right, right. And we know the thinking is not what we need to be doing right now. Yep. In those moments. Definitely. And then I turned to Chris. I was going to say, I hope you have a, like, I hope you do. Yeah. So what do you say to Chris? Well, first I put my hand on my heart because I know now from Dr. Kennedy, Russell Kennedy, on that heal your anxiety stuff, that you have to first reassure yourself,

you have to give yourself love in that moment. You have to affirm your okeness, you gotta let your own love in. And so I did that, and it definitely quieted the alarm, but I really wanted more, because I don't like to feel this way. I know. And so I just asked Chris if he would give me a hug.

And I said to him, I said, I feel anxious. I don't know why. I don't know why. I don't want to feel this way. And so I just hugged him in that great soft red flannel shirt. Sure. Right. Farity, if you ever want to sponsor this podcast, let me know because my husband and son live

in the legend plaid shirts. Great hugging shirts, by the way. And it was a nice long hug. And it didn't, you know, it left the alarm go away, but I still felt that sort of out-of-body experience. And it was talking to my therapist, Anne Daven, and her going, well, there are two parts of you. And there's two parts of all of us.

There's two parts of Amy. There's two parts of you. There's the part of you that is, I'm just gonna use the word divine, that you had the ability to tap into this flow state. You have magic to offer the world. It's those moments where you're lost in laughter or wonder or awe or creativity, where things feel effortless, where you feel like connected to something bigger. And I am working my ass off to figure out how to stay in that space more.

And not spend so much time in the other part of us, which is the injured part, the part of us from childhood that had to cope with whatever was happening to you as a young kid, most of which I'm learning more and more as we interview experts on this podcast and talk to people about their lived experiences that happened to you before you're even five, which means the only story you have about it is the story adults have told you about it. If you even have a story about it, but your body has a memory of it. Yeah.

And so these deep emotions, like the sadness that you're feeling, or feeling off, or not feeling like yourself, I think the more work you do on yourself, the more any time you don't feel like yourself is thing, thing, thing, thing, thing. Yeah.

The injured you, you're drifting into the injured you. Yeah. Like, right, just sit with it. Yeah, because they want you there and they need you there. And that's where you need to be. And you and I are both like, I don't want to be here. I hate it. It's not fun.

I'm like, can this bitch just go back to my school? Why? Because I am so over this. Can you get an opair for your injured self and just have somebody else take care of it? Because like, I don't want to do it. Like, it is painful, you know? You know, the other thing that Anne said to me

that was so interesting, and I'm sure people have said this to me a million times before, but today I got it. Oh, I love that. You ready? Yeah, because I'll probably get it too now. I hope. She said that that injured part of you is so familiar with whatever it was that you did as a kid. Yeah. To protect yourself from getting hurt and an example that would be You know if your parents were not that affectionate to begin with You would start to learn why on earth would I put myself out there? Yeah, I will just pull back right because

not Expecting it not asking for it is a way to protect myself. It's better than being rejected. Yeah, from the rejection that I feel. Yeah. Or staying quiet. Yeah. So that you don't get in the middle of the fight. Or keeping the peace, or all the things that you did

to gain the approval and love and the okeness that we all need at his kids, right? That the injured part of you is so used to. For me, it is leaving my body and then getting stuck in my head, thinking all kinds of terrible things. Right. For you, what is it? Shea-man sadness.

What she said to me was this. She said that injured part of you, whenever you feel the normal emotion of shaman's act, that's right. Yeah. It is so used to reaching for the thing you did as a kid, which was for me, leave my body and go up my head and start to worry. And given the fact that I am in the season of the Mac daddy unbelievable transition

that involves not only the color, but the weather. And very soon we're gonna have my least favorite day of the year, which is the day we turn the clocks back. Oh Lord. And it becomes dark at three o'clock in the afternoon. And I start to feel like winter is coming and it's Game of Thrones final episode. Oh my God. Q the seasonal depression light adds. And I and I and I just no wonder. Yeah. I'm reaching for the uh-oh. But I now have tools to not be scared of it and to be able to go,

oh, that's that part of me that I call, you know, the injured self. So what does Anne say? Like, is she like, we have to break this habit? No, she's literally like nobody can ever live. Unfortunately, there's a lot of us that live in the injured self all day long. Yeah. I did for decades. Right. When you start to become aware and you start to work on your own healing, yeah, the pain body, that that's what Eckertolley calls the pain body. You're just constantly like in your own pain all day long, like creating your own misery. Yeah. Campaign of misery. Yeah. Campaign of misery. Okay. Yeah. Go. And I'm working on living more and more in the other place, which is getting out of my head. Okay. And not reacting with such intensity to the feelings of my body. And forcing myself, when those moments happen to notice the feeling to say something about

it, to reach for a hog to give myself a hog in the reassurance, to remind myself that the feeling will pass. And according to research, if you don't resist it or grip, it passes typically in about 90 seconds. Yeah, thank God. Yeah. But knowing that there's two parts of me, the old little me that did the best that she could, that is the injured part, and the adult me that is seeking a different experience

from life, I want to own what I experience. I want to be in charge of it. I want to feel more of those moments of being in the flow and being connected to the divine and being present in the moment and being out of my freaking head and in my work or in my family or in the beauty that is Southern Vermont or being like like I was in that state as we pulled in and I saw you two up here And I'm waving from the car sunroof like oh my god the way friends I'm so excited to be my friends and then we get out and I'm like oh my god Right you fell apart

Yeah, because I'm in the middle of a big transition. Yeah. I'm moving from this 14 day amazing high on a roller coaster that was incredible. Yeah. To refinding my balance as I step into, you know, again, a new home and, yeah, a totally different energy. Yeah. Or maybe just a different 14 days that's gonna be great too, but it's like you gotta get off that roller coaster.

Yeah, you can't stay on it the whole time. And so you wanna know here's what I'm gonna leave you with. Okay. The injured self is that shaky feeling and calls it the rattle. Oh, God, yeah. That's still there from childhood will probably always be there from childhood. Mm-hmm. Going, hey, remember me? Mm-hmm. There's still a part of me that's sad. There's still a part of me that's scared. Mm-hmm.

And it's that period of time after you get off the roller coaster that's divine, where you feel shaky until you find your footing again. And that's all that it is. And so the good news for both of us is that you've been flying for two months. Yeah. And when you say, I don't feel like myself, what's fucking awesome is you now have an experience of yourself as being a half bee, golden child. Because you are on this team. That's how we all see you.

Yeah, I know. Everybody is favorite. No, I appreciate that now. Literally from front to back on this conversation, now I feel like, oh, I can just appreciate how I feel. Oh, I was just in a bad mood. I feel it.

I don't know exactly how to say it. I feel better and I feel like I can handle the bad mood a little bit more. Maybe it's the oil slick that's left. Whatever, whatever, maybe it's just kind of talking it out or hearing how you're dealing with it. I do feel better and I can appreciate the low part of the roller coaster and how, you know, and then you just kind of go back up again. But sometimes when you're at that low, And then you just kind of go back up again. But sometimes when you're at that low, you're looking around for like, do this thing stop?

I'm like, I'm never going to go back up again. Like, this is hard. I don't want to be here. The visual that helps me is this, that I don't visualize the low of the roller coaster. That helps you do it. I visualize getting, do it. Yeah. I visualize getting out of it. Okay. And I'm on that platform.

Yeah. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. And I'm like, right, shaky. Yeah. Because I'm going from this really high, amazing state into kind of my day to day life, and that's always where the injured person shows up. Yeah. Wow. So what did you get when you felt that brass corset, and you did that exercise with Anne, and you let it go? What happened? Great question. And did a second exercise with me?

I'll walk you through it next. Okay, so the second exercise that I ended with me was this. She said, okay, in the past 14 days, I want you to come up with a very specific memory that really is magical. You are present in the moment. You felt connected, you were happy and just describe a moment like that. And so I described this moment where on Friday night of Parents Weekend, Kendall's music friends, they're all in the pop music program. They just threw like this in prompt to thing where kids were doing an open mic night on someone's porch. Yeah, so here we are in a random neighborhood in downtown LA

So freaking awesome and there is this awesome kid like just banging it out on the the kind of keyboard and he was singing these great songs And they're I don't know like 17 kids sitting there and a couple parents standing. And all of a sudden Kendall rolls up with her music friends as this awesome kids plan. And she's got her guitar and the other guys got like a drum like thing and another one's got a keyboard and somebody else has another guitar and they were like the big kids coming in. And I like this is just my vibe, right? And so like as a parent, like,

and you got to understand, she's been in this music program for four years and because of COVID, I've been able to see her perform live once. That's it. And so she has been in this program for four years, working with these Grammy award-winning artists, the greats of the greats,

getting all of this training, music industry stuff, it's just been unbelievable. I've not seen what's going on. So you're about to see it go down. And this is just like a casual thing in somebody's front porch, right? Yeah, right. Peel and paint on the front porch.

Oh, yeah, and brick fallen off. And like, you know, kind of a window up top with duct tape holding it together. And she gets on, and like, you know, kind of a window up top with duct tape holding it together. And she gets on that porch. And first things first, she pulls out a guitar. And I'm like, oh my God, she's playing guitar in public. Who is this child?

And she starts playing a cover of Ariana Grande. Tell me, I'll play a little bit in this thing. It is like a freaking angel singing. And as she was taking the porch, you know, and they're setting up stuff, all about like 25 other people's rolling in. And they're like, hey, you're kind of singing. Oh my gosh. So all of a sudden, like all these people start showing up.

Oh my gosh, that's so cool. And as she starts to sing, all these phones go up. Oh my gosh. And there is this full moon rising above the teeny little, you know, rundown college student house next door. Right. And her voice was so insane.

She was so in her element. I just, to witness somebody in a state like that, like just given their gift, completely connected to the divine, that I think is inside all of us. So I just stood like I was just so in awe of who she's become and that experience of watching her share this gift and watching the result of Years and years and years of work not only on singing and music but also on her confidence and you know figuring out who she is yeah and so answered great close your eyes Where's that near body said, great, close your eyes. Where is that in your body? And so I told her it was kind of like between my belly button and my, my, my, the hell's it called, pelvis. And she said,

great, I want you to feel the full moon on you. I want you to hear your daughter's incredible incredible voice. And as she told me to do that and I realized the song I'm visualizing is if you want to keep me, you've got to love me harder, which is now I'm realizing a message that if you want to keep yourself in that divine state, you've got to love yourself a little harder. And so for you in the last two months, like, so, yeah, I was doing that as you, as you were saying that about Kendall, I lately have wanted to have what, what, like, they call peak experiences with my kids. Oh, I love it. I think we talked about this before. Like where just, I just really want to experience like, awe, like pure awe and joy and just being in the moment with my kids, you know, like, and

I'm saying like once a month, you know, like that's it. Like let's just start there. So I had this really incredible time with my youngest daughter, Jean, this weekend. We were so in the moment, you know what we were doing? What were you doing? Aaron's. We were running Aaron's. And what do we have to do?

I told her all the things we had to do and she wrote them all down and I was like, you're in charge. You're in charge of the time. We have to get home at noon. We're leaving at 10. You're in charge. Just tell me what we need to do. I know the thing, I know what to do when we have to get home at noon, we're leaving at 10, you're in charge. Just tell me what we need to do. I know the thing, I know what to do when we get to the store, but you tell me what to

do. How about we play that game? She loves playing games and we used to do this when she was little, but I don't know, it just kind of came up. We went to the paint store. We went to TJ Maxx, of course. We went to Price Chopper. We went to where else do we go?

Like the bookstore and the jewelry store and pick up this and do that. Mom, you have two minutes and Dad's gonna be waiting for us. Do you want me to call Dad? We're gonna be a little late if you keep talking to this lady. Da, da, da. Does she want a job? I know, she was so good.

And I looked at her after the last stop and I said, I'm having a lot of fun right now. And she was like, I am too! This is so much fun! Like, we used to do this when I, when she was in nursery school and her two older sisters were out. And she's like, mom, this is just so much fun.

And she said, well, we're just doing errands. And I was like, you know what? It's allowed. I was like, just change, just like humor me. Would you call this a peak experience with me? And she was like, you know what, mom? I would. Like, this is really, really great.

So it was really great. It was really great that I didn't have to plan it. It just was spontaneous. We found each other. You know, like my, you divine, as you say, right, found hers. And we just together made this really awesome thing. So when you're going through that thing with Kendall and your memory of her and putting yourself back

in that moment, I went to that moment with my, that's beautiful. It's my Jane. That's beautiful, because what I also realize in those moments is that we are allowing ourselves to receive. Oh yeah. There is that reciprocal nature of your giving love

and your giving positive energy and you are open and receiving it back. And it is pure flow. Yes. It is literally a peak state, a state of flow because it wasn't hard for Jane to be Jane and it wasn't hard for me to be me and it is definitely not hard for Kendall to be Kendall and you to be you and like and we're all just like feeding each other and feeling fucking awesome.

Yes. And getting Aaron's done at the same time. Yes. Yes. Fuck it. So it is this like incredible thing and so what Anne told me to do is to now close your eyes and locate where is that experience in your body. Now really allow yourself to feel it.

Like you leaning over and looking at her and going, now was that a peak experience for you? Yeah. Now go back up to your neck where that viscous crap was. And kind of zero to 10 has it gone down. Yeah. Great. Now go back to wherever and where in your body is that right in my solar plexus, like right above my belly button, like in between my belly button, like, in between my belly button and right ribs. Amazing. And allow your side necessities. Be experienced. Yeah, right.

Great. Yeah. Now, what Anne told me is happening, wait to hear this, is that you can just do this little exercise of fine-like moments where you're freely receiving and giving love, where you're in deep connection. Either with nature, a new puppy, something you're working on where you're just in that flow state and the resistance isn't there, or some moment for yourself, maybe you're in Shavasana after a class,

maybe you have just had an incredible moment, you know, with your lover, like something where you have just had an incredible moment, you know, with your lover, like something where you have allowed this sort of divine peak connection to self or something bigger or another human being to love to come in. Find it in your body. And allow yourself to feel it and fire it up because what she said to me is that the injured self and all those stored experiences that feel like armor for me or viscous oil for you, those are encoded in uremaidula. Okay.

And a different part of the brain needs its circuitry, fired up, that stores these experiences of being in deep connection and in a state of flow. And so when you go back and forth between the two and you access that memory for the rest of my life, I can access that memory of Kendall. You can access that moment of Jane. You can then close your eyes, feel it in your body, and fire up a different part of your brain, right? Which allows you to start

to create the circuitry and the muscle mentally tied to the positive emotion. So there's a couple things that I just want to make sure that everybody's tracking with us because this started as what we're probably going to start to call an on the fly episode. Yeah, right. And I knew that this was going to be an incredible conversation because Amy is often not in a down mood, not at all. And I have just come from a therapy call where I had this life-changing revelation.

And I've probably heard these things over and over. And it's probably said to me on every therapy call for two years. But for some reason today, it really clicked. This idea that there's the divine you and the injured self from childhood. And that the more that you and most of us live in that injured self. And that's why we say we're stuck and we're on autopilot. And we're, you know, sad and being full of excuses and we're getting the same thing out. Yeah. Yeah. And that there's something else available that you can change. You can rewire your brain.

And when you start to notice yourself checking out or feeling said, quote, not feeling like yourself. Yeah. That can be a good sign. Yeah. Because it means you've actually experienced something else than the sadness or the anxiety or those other things. And I feel that now. And I feel the appreciation for that sadness coming up. Because it's in me. It's a part of me and it's like, that's okay to come up. And I feel an appreciation for how I normally am. I've grown to really love that person and like really want to be there more often than not, but it doesn't mean that I can't be sad every once in a while.

That's cool too. Yeah, yeah. I got a lot out of this conversation. Oh, I did too. I feel a lot better now. Do you? I do. I do feel a lot better.

I have a headache, which means that's a good sign for me. I kind of do too. Like I've noticed, I feel almost like, I feel after taking a standardized test. You know, we have that like brain. Oh, come on. Yeah. I feel like I need a diet coke.

Right. I'm with you. I'll have an athletic brew. And we'll call it a sponsored episode. Okay. Okay. Okay. If that's not divine.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Kendall. I'm sitting here with Amy and I was just telling this story about you being on the porch singing that song and how it felt like I was experiencing the divine. It sounds awesome, Kendall. It just sounds like such a wonderful time and your mom played us a video and we got the chills. Well, thank you so much for saying something. Oh my gosh, thank you.

Mom, I'm calling you because I'm at the boot store. Oh, okay. I sent you a photo of a pair of boots that I really like. I wanted you to look at them. Okay, give me five minutes and I'll call you back. Okay, great. I sent you like a photo of them in the price too, but I just wanted to like see what you thought first. Okay, you can have the boots. You gave me a religious experience on the porch the other day. You didn't tell me was religious the day after. Are you now just realizing it was? Yeah, basically.

You would become that image of you. You know how in therapy, whenever I, my therapist is like, okay, what's an image of protection for you? What do I say? A freak. She said, say it, I can't tell everybody what it is. Buck Creek, it's a magical creature from Harry Potter that Hagrid

teams and then they pretend to kill but they don't actually kill. And now whenever she tells me to channel the divine and like a flow state candle and the infinite. So I'm now the new buckpeak. No, buckpeak is for protection. You can't protect me. That's not going to happen. I'm going to say that's a little. Yeah. I mean, you're good atak is for protection. You can't protect me. That's, that's not going to happen. Say that's a little. Yeah, I mean, you're good at guitar and singing. Yeah, you can

sing, but not let's be honest. No, I'm no buckbeak. Yeah. But I am going to experience that. I'm going to come back to that moment all the time, that moment of standing there in that front yard under a full moon, watching people stop their cars and your friends gather and phones go up and you channeling something divine in you, you sharing your gift with the world. Mm-hmm. I appreciate that. All right, I'm gonna hang up

because I want to finish this podcast that we're taping. I love you guys, thanks for following. I love you and saying that. I love you. Okay, I'm gonna hang up because I want to finish this podcast that we're taping. I love you guys. Thanks for I love you. I love you. I love you too. Bye. Okay, and now we go from the divine. Yes. Yes. Cowboy boots. Right.

Right. Right back into real life. See, that's getting off the roller coaster. Yeah. Right. Bill and a little shaky. I got a headache. I need a diet coke and a cotton candy. Oh, they're really cute. The boots.

Yeah. They look like they have like a Phoenix. Oh, so long. Look at this. I have a close up of the design of the fucking boots. It is buckbeak. Oh my God. What in the hell is happening? I'm going to tell you what's

happening everybody. Yeah. What's happening? Like, if you look at him flying from above, that is the shape of him flying. It looks like a dragon. Honest to God. This is crazy. The timing of that. So here's why this is important, everybody. You deserve to access that space of the divine. You deserve to tap into a flow state. You deserve to shift the energy toward getting in the flow. And it starts with noticing where you're gripping and holding on. Try the exercises that we just walked you through in real time.

And because what happens is when you start paying attention to this state of being in flow, in connection, in love, is that it sends ripple effects that I believe call in crazy coincidences. Like Kendall, of course, calling randomly, right after we played her song. Right. Me referencing Buckbeak as a frickin' joke, right, as a joke. And her then looking at the boots, she's calling me to buy, and there is a frickin' silhouette of what looks like a dragon, which basically is what buck beak looks like.

A flying hawk dragon thing. Yeah. In the sky, it is... You know what I call these, everybody? Signs. Amen. These, and paying attention to the signs and coincidences and magical things that happen in life, and calling them out,

that happen in life and calling them out, that is how you also strengthen the circuitry in your brain that is wired for flow and connection and all this incredible magic in your life. Period. Like for those of you that have read the High Five habit, you know that the exercise about looking for hearts that occur naturally in the world, like a heart-shaped cloud or our new puppy has a heart-shaped crackle on his nose, or heart-shaped stone or heart-shaped, you like, stain on the ground, heart-shaped

in your coffee, when your heart-shaped pee-stain from a little puppy. Yes, exactly. If you just play a game with yourself, this is one way you can start to tap into this state, start to train your brain for something other than freaking complaining. Right. Other than miserable. Right. Right. Look for a heart shape today. And when you see it, I want you to do something that's going to sound cheeseball. But this is brain stuff. You ready? I want you to look at and be like, by God, Mel Robbins put that there for me to find. I want you to allow yourself to let them little magic in.

If you can pick it up, pick it up and put it in your pocket. Take it home. Put it on your shelf in front of you, right? Take a picture. Start calling out the signs of things going right. Start noticing when you're gripping, when you're holding on, when you don't feel like yourself. Both Amy and I did not feel like ourselves today. Yeah. And just very casually, we just sat here talking about something else and I'm like, how are you doing? And should I honestly? That's a great! And where it let us is somewhere amazing. Yeah, it's true. God, I love you. I love you too, Mel. I'm glad you're home. It feels more like home. When you're here. Thank you. That's great. Okay everybody. So you want to see those boots? Go go look in the show notes I come out. I'll put some photos of some hearts there too that people find mm-hmm and

Amy and I just want to say you look we love you. We believe in you you deserve to feel in the flow Yeah peak steak anybody that wants to come do errands with me on a Saturday I will show you how to be in a peak state because that's when I'm in my zone. I love it when people are in their zone. Like we're all better off when you're in the flow and you're doing your thing. So I'm glad that we're doing this and helping people get there and feel it. Yeah.

We're going to send you out with the best reminder, which is you gotta love yourself a little harder. Yeah. Kendall Robbins, covering Ariana Grande. The ones that love me are Tentally behind If you know about me And choose to stay Then take a picture Take it with a pen

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