The Mel Robbins Podcast - The One Science-Backed Habit You Need in 2023

Episode Date: January 2, 2023

I want this year to be the best year of your life.  So we’re going to talk about the one habit that researchers say has the biggest, overall impact on the quality of your life.  And that habit is learning to be kind and loving to yourself.  We all know we need to learn how to love ourselves, but no one has taught you HOW.  Until now. In this episode, I am teaching you how to start loving yourself with a simple habit that you can add to your morning routine.  I’ve got loads of research to prove why this habit matters and how it will change your life.  And bring your Kleenex. Today I’m not only answering questions from some listeners about self-love, I also invited my husband, Chris, to come on and explain why he thought this habit was so stupid when I first shared it with him.  The conversation took a turn that I was not expecting. It gets very personal and both Chris and I end up crying. He shares details about a period of his life where the shame and sense of failure were so palpable that he couldn’t even look himself in the mirror. I’m so proud of him, and moved by his vulnerability. This is an episode every man, boy, or anyone who identifies as male needs to hear. It’s not just we women who struggle with self-love; the men in your life are struggling, too. That’s why we all need to be practicing this habit every single morning.  You’re going to learn that love is not something you feel; it’s something you must demonstrate. And that’s what I’m going to teach you to do.  You’ll want to listen until the very end, because you’ll meet a woman whose entire life trajectory changed by simply trying this habit once. Want to learn more? All of the research - and there’s a lot of it - is linked in the show notes at melrobbins.com/podcast. And if you want to watch a longer, unabridged version of this episode, visit my YouTube channel. Xo Mel In this episode, you’ll learn: 1:50  The habit that has changed the lives of thousands of people3:50 HOW do I love myself?4:28 Why it’s so hard to love yourself5:11 The secret to self-love6:04 What the science says about why you should do this after brushing your teeth7:05 50% of people find it impossible to do this9:30 Learn about neurobics and how it helps you learn a new habit faster.12:22 The dopamine hit that boosts your mood14:09 What you tell yourself every time you do this one habit15:25 One study about how this habit creates winning teams16:40 How this habit helped kids perform better and work longer20:48 Why my husband, Chris, thought this habit was ridiculous at first22:20 The profound insight Chris had when he took the 5-day challenge25:19 Why you’re going to want to share this with the men in your life25:55 When in his life Chris started to feel like a failure34:00 What all men struggle with36:39 What Chris has to say to all the men out there40:20 Why I sign off every letter and every episode the way I do45:00 The message from a listener that every skeptic needs to hear For full show notes, go to melrobbins.com/podcastTo take the High 5 Challenge, go to High5Challenge.com.Get The High 5 Habit book or eBook.

Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to an incredible episode of the Mel Robbins podcast. I am so excited to talk to you today because today you and I are going to have a conversation about the most important relationship that you have in life, and that's the relationship that you have in life. And that's the relationship that you have with yourself. And I am going to introduce you to a habit that I want you to start practicing immediately. This habit, it is the mackdaddy of all habits. You master this habit and it's like that very first domino. You know when you have dominoes all lined up and there's that one domino in the front that you're like, boop, and boom, you knock that sucker over and it's like, boom. And all the other dominoes fall. We are talking about the gateway to creating a positive ripple effect in your life

and improving the relationship with yourself, how you talk to yourself, how you treat yourself, based on just practicing one habit. This habit is the secret to self-acceptance and self-love as your new default. What habit am I talking about? What science-backed, Mach Daddy, Domino dropping habit could this be-mail? Well brace yourself. Because I know you're a smart person. You might be a little kind of resigned like I am cynical. So when you hear this, you might think, oh come on, seriously? But I promise you, by the end of this conversation, you will not only have the

Kleenex's out, you will be practicing this habit. The habit I'm referring to is simply high-fiving yourself in the mirror as part of your morning routine. And I've got the research to prove it. I not only have stacks and stacks of research about the remarkable power of a high five, what it does to you neurologically, physiologically, how it releases chemicals in your brain, how it changes your neuropathways. We're gonna get into something called neurobics,

which is the fastest way for you to adopt positive new thinking patterns. I've also got studies that I'm going to share with you about why this is so profound. One of the studies is one that we've done, where we have had 175,000 people add a high five in the mirror to their morning routine for five days. When I tell you the results of what happens in people's lives, by simply high-fiving themselves in the mirror to start their day, it is absolutely so profound. And I also love this because anybody of any age anywhere in the world can do it.

All you gotta do is high-five the mirror in your morning routine after you brush your teeth. And I want you to stick with me on this one. Even if you're like, please, this doesn't seem like me, please. Because you're gonna hear two extraordinary stories about the impact that one high five can make in your life. One of those stories is from my husband, Chris.

And the other is from my husband, Chris. And the other is from another person named Chris, this time a woman, and definitely bring the Kleenex because these are not only moving, but you're gonna have goosebumps. You're gonna feel empowered, encouraged, and excited. I'm not kidding, this is profound. And I know that you struggle with self-love, because we all do.

I get questions on this topic every single fricking day. Mel, how do I love myself? Like this one from Maria. Hi Mel, this is Maria from Spain. Can you explain how to learn to love yourself? I know I need to love myself as a part of my self-growth, but no one tells you how to do that. I'm curious, is there something I can do about that? I love this question, because she's right. We all know we need to love ourselves,

but how the hell do you do that? When nobody has taught you how? I think the main reason why this concept of self-love is so hard to implement in our lives is because of the definition of love. If you look in the dictionary, love is defined as a feeling, but that's not what it is. Love is an action, and let's just take an example from your life. When you feel loved by somebody else, it's because of how they treat you. It's because of what they say to you.

Like, for example, when Chris brings me a cup of coffee in the morning, I feel loved because of that action. When he says, I love you, Mel, I feel loved because of the action of speaking those words. But when it comes to loving ourselves, we're sitting around waiting for the feeling, and yet we're not recognizing the truth about love. You feel loved by other people when they demonstrate it through actions. The secret to self-love is demonstrating to yourself through your own actions toward yourself that you love yourself.

And that's why the simple solution to having a breakthrough and loving yourself, the first domino that needs to fall, is something that I call the high five habit. This is a simple habit that I created that is simply adding a high five in the mirror to yourself, to your morning routine. That's what the high five habit is. Now, one of the reasons why I love this habit is because it has so much research. And the habit's very simple.

When you wake up tomorrow morning, get yourself out of bed, go into the bathroom, brush your teeth, and then after you brush your teeth, you're going to put your tooth brush down. And the reason why I want you to do it after you brush your teeth is because I want to use some signs called habit stacking. I want this to be part of your morning routine, what you're about to do.

And so I want you to do it right after something that you do every morning, brushing your teeth. That way your brain will encode this high-five habit even faster. And here comes the most important part. As you put the tooth brush down, you are going to look in the mirror. This is the hardest part of the high-five habit. You're going to look in the mirror, and I don't want you to look through the person in the mirror. I want you to realize there's a human being that's standing in the mirror there with you every morning in the bathroom, and you have either ignored them or you have looked at all of the things you don't like about that person, whether it's the weight that you've

put on or it's the bags under your eyes or for me, it's one boob hanging lower than the other boob. You sit there and judge that person or based on our research and studies, 50% of men and women cannot or will not look at themselves in the mirror. And the reason is so fricking sad. It's because they don't like the person they've become. Or they have so many regrets in life about things that they did, or the place that they thought that they would be, that they can't and won't look at themselves in the mirror. And if you can't look at yourself in the mirror,

let's just stop at that right there. Because what do you do with somebody you love? What's the action when you see somebody you love? You look them in the eyes. That gaze, eye to eye, gives you not only dopamine, but the oxytocin that is in your brain. It is powerful. It's an act of love to really make eye contact and hold a gaze with love and compassion behind it. So if you can't do that and you're not doing that, you're every morning demonstrating, not love, you're demonstrating rejection and criticism. And so first step of the high five habit, you are going to put your toothbrush down and you're going to look at yourself in the

eye. And it's going to feel weird if you don't normally do this. And the next part of this is very simple. Whenever you feel ready, you're going to raise your hand and you're going to high five the person you see in the mirror. And again, I have so much data on this, I know, because we studied what happens. This works. And what's going to happen when you go to high five the mirror is you're either going to laugh out loud and you laugh out loud because it is kind of dorky. I mean, it's funny to be doing this, right? You've never done this before.

That's what happened to me the first time I did it. I just kind of laughed because it's so silly. Or the second reaction that you may have is you're going to feel moved emotionally, like you want to cry, or all of a sudden this sadness comes to the surface. And we saw that a lot in the research that we did with 175,000 people that tried this for five days in a row. That was very, very common for people to burst into tears the first time that they did this.

Now, this is where the science gets really cool when we're talking about this habit. And the science I'm referring to is a field of neuroscience called neurobics. In fact, Professor Lawrence Katz has created something called a neurobic exercise, and it is the fastest way to create new neuropath ways and new thought patterns. And so let me tell you what a neurobic exercise is, and the three parts of it that make the high five habit so incredibly powerful. So this comes from research from Dr. Lawrence Katz at Duke.

And a neurobic exercise is when you take a routine activity. So let's say standing in front of your mirror, as part of your morning routine. There you are, brushing your teeth. But then you pair that normal routine with two things. Number one, something unexpected that involves your senses, like high-fiving the mirror. That action, the touch involved there, that's something unexpected, all right? And the second thing that a neurobic exercise requires is an emotion you would like to feel. And so let's talk about the high five. What does a high five represent? Celebration, love, acceptance, encouragement,

it's always positive. You've never high five somebody and thought I hate you. A high five is always given with a positive emotion. And so here's what happens when those three things are present, the routine activity of standing in front of the mirror, something unexpected that involves your senses, namely, high-fiving that mirror and the sense of touch, and the emotion, the positive emotion, celebration, acceptance love. This act of high-fiving yourself in the mirror becomes a neurobic exercise.

It's like brain fertilizer that makes your brain learn new habits faster. What's the habit you're learning? To accept and love and cheer for yourself. And this heightened state of doing something unexpected creates new nerve connections in your brain that connect the action, which was once something routine, like high-fiving other people are standing in front of the mirror, but when it's done in an unexpected way, high-fiving yourself, I mean, you always do the routine of high-fiving other people are standing in front of the mirror, but when it's done in an unexpected way, high-fiving yourself, I mean, you always do the routine of high-fiving other people. When the hell of you ever high-fived yourself, that's unexpected. It puts your brain on alert with the emotion you'd like to feel.

And boom, it creates the perfect conditions for a neurobic exercise. And so what you're doing with every high five that you do every morning as part of your morning routine is you are fusing in your brain, emotions of celebration, acceptance, and love with your own reflection. How freaking cool is that? And that's not the only benefit here. You're also getting the benefit of the release of dopamine. You know, the molecule and the chemical that is motivation and drive, we love our dopamine, because when somebody else high fives you, your brain gives you a drip of dopamine. Your brain doesn't know the difference between somebody else's high five and you high five in yourself.

So it automatically just releases the dopamine. That's why you feel better. That's why you laugh, by the way. You've been seeing other people high five one another your whole life. You've been giving other people high fives your whole life, cheering for them, encouraging them. A high five is always something that you give to somebody when you're proud. Great shot.

Good job on that test. It's also something you give to another person when they need encouragement. So, think about those moments when you've been standing along the side of like a road race, and runners are going by, you don't cross your arms and scowl it people. Get you here for them, you high five them, because you're trying to say, I see you. I see that this race is hard. Keep going, you've got this. I'm here for you. You do the same thing if you're on a sports team. If a teammate blows a play, when they come into the huddle, what do you do? You give them a high five. Why? Because that

high five helps them shake off the failure, the regret, the shame of blowing the play. And it says, I believe in you. Get back in the game. So what's so amazing about high-fiving yourself as a habit in the mirror every single morning is that a lifetime of positive programming neurologically that's already in your brain that is associated with high-fiving other people through this Narobic exercise, all of that positive juicy, amazing stuff it gets aimed right back at you. And so every time you do this habit, you are physically demonstrating to yourself in less than five seconds that you, yes, you, take the actions that show that you believe

in you, you love yourself yourself and you encourage yourself. Because you do it every single morning with this neurobic exercise in the mirror. Now, another reason why I love this habit so much is you don't have to think a thing. In fact, I don't even want you to think anything. No mantras, no thoughts, no nothing. Because you've got a lifetime of really critical, nasty, thought-patterned wiring that's in your brain. And we're trying to override that. We're trying to program in something new with this neurobic exercise.

So what you're going to do and what you're going to notice is that when you go to raise your hand, even if you might be thinking, well, this is dumb, as your hand gets closer to the mirror, your brain goes silent. Because all of the wiring that's already in your brain associated with a high five that's positive, through this aerobic exercise, now gets encoded with you. Isn't this freaking cool?

Please teach this to your kids. Please try this. Now, as I mentioned, there's so much research. And yes, we will link to all of it in the show notes. But there are two studies that are really important that people love when I share. And one of them was done by researchers at Berkeley and Yale, and it was done regarding the NBA.

Yep, they crunched data on the National Basketball Association, because they wanted to know if there were any habits that winning teams had, that the losing teams in the NBA didn't have in the preseason. And it turned out after crunching the data that, yep, there was a habit that winning teams had. So what is the habit that the top four teams and the NBA in fact do in the preseason that losing teams do not? You guessed it. Winning teams have more high fives, fist bumps, pats on the back in the preseason among team members than any of the other teams.

Why? Well because a high five isn't just an action with no meaning. A high five says, I'm with you. A high five builds trusts. It builds partnership. It builds belief. And that's what creates the backbone of a winning team. And through this Narrowback exercise,

this habit to add to your morning routine, you can build that trust back in with yourself. Now, there was another study that was done with kids, where they made a bunch of kids take these math tests, where these researchers wanted to know, okay, what's the best way to encourage someone who's going through a challenging moment? And they found, interestingly, that it wasn't words of encouragement, like, hey, you're really smart, you're going to get through this. It wasn't even words of encouragement that are part of the growth mindset,

like, just keep plugging away at it. You're working really hard, you'll get there. You want to know the single best way according to research to motivate kids to do something challenging. It's to say nothing and to give them a high five. This had such a profound impact on the kids who received a high five. They not only outperformed the groups of kids that were getting verbal praise, they literally felt better about themselves and worked longer. And the same is going to happen to you.

Because when you're going through a challenging time, you don't need tough love. You need encouragement from yourself. This research was so profound that the researchers changed the name of this academic study to High Fives Motivate. That's how exciting this is. And I stumbled onto this by mistake. I started high-fiving myself after I'd gotten fired for my own talk show. And I needed a pick me up. I was like somebody on a sports team that just flubbed the last shot of the game and blew it for everybody. I needed to figure out how to lift my spirits, how to pick myself back up.

So one morning, it was really weird. I looked in the mirror and I saw myself and I looked sad, held beaten down. And I just instinctively, as cheesy as it sounds, raise my hand and high-five the mirror because the woman in the mirror looked like she needed one. And I immediately felt the effect of the dopamine in my mind and the boost in my mood and this sense of, okay, shake it off, Mel Robbins, You got this, pick yourself up.

Let's go. I sent myself into my day. And I knew I had my own back. It was that first domino that fell. It's what led me to get into intensive therapy and to start getting serious about my happiness. And I think you know, everything comes back to you and the relationship that you have with yourself. And so we're gonna go deep on this

because the relationship that you have with yourself is the single most important thing in the world. And in addition to sharing this research, I want to unpack some of the things that people experience when they do it. And we got to take a short break for our sponsors, but don't you dare go anywhere because I have so much to share with you and I'm going to invite my husband, Chris, to come and join us. Because when I first shared this high five habit thing that I had discovered a couple years ago with him,

he thought it was the stupidest thing he had ever heard. And what happened when he tried it for five days was life changing, profound, and it was heartbreaking for me to hear as a spouse, just how much my husband was struggling and how the simple assignment of looking yourself in the eyes was impossible for him to do at that time. Stay with us. So I'm back with my husband, Chris. Hi, Mel. Hi, Chris. Thanks for having me.

Of course. And I was just sharing with everybody that when I first stumbled upon this high five habit, and I started doing it, and then I asked you if you would try to get a little bit of I was just sharing with everybody that when I first stumbled upon this high five habit, and I started doing it, and then I asked you if you would try it for five days, do you remember that? Definitely. And I said, NFW. Well, you did have a very deliberate, I'm not doing that.

Yeah, I immediately thought it was the dumbest idea ever. Let's go to the mirror. Let's high five ourselves, and this is going to solve all problems. Well, I'm not saying it's going to solve all problems, but I know based on the research, and I know based on the testimonials of 175,000 people that are so profound, that when you take on this habit, it has a shocking impact on your brain and how you see yourself and the person in the mirror. And that kicks open a door to an entirely new possibility. And, you know, we're laughing, but when I kept pushing you, because I'm like, dude, you're my husband,

I need you to try this. I want you to do this for five days. You shared with me something that I didn't know, and the real reason why you thought this was stupid when you dug a little deeper, it was really sad, and honestly, it was scary to hear as your spouse. So would you share with everybody sort of the deeper insight as to why you had that reaction? I think at the time I related to the idea of a high five to myself as being encouragement, the idea that you would high five yourself to

inspire forward action. And yet, I find that the power of that high five in the mirror is less your hand meeting the mirror and more your eyes meeting your eyes. And that's where the struggle was. because when I took that challenge on, I remember really, the high five was easy, the looking at myself and the mirror. That was not easy. Why? Can I hold your hand?

I think it was not easy because there was so much reflection on the past. I was looking back. I was not seeing somebody that deserved a high five. I saw failure. I saw upset. I saw failure, I saw upset, I saw just not living up to the expectation that I think I had set for myself. And I'm sure that society's expectations were also influencing that, but just where I was at the time, I didn't feel like I deserve that high five. So I think that that was probably the underlying reason why my reaction to the idea of doing it was this is stupid.

When the truth is that I was, I was, I was not happy with myself and didn't think a high five was, was deserved. was deserved. It's really hard to hear how long you felt that way about yourself. Because I stood next to you for years to sink right next to you. And when I looked at you, like guy saw the world's best dad, amazing husband.

I saw somebody who was absolutely integral to helping me build my business. I felt grateful for you. I didn't know you thought any of those things. You just kind of put on a smile and carried on. You were so sort of stoic about it. So can you explain, because I think that there's a lot of people, especially men, that really beat the hell out of themselves when their career doesn't go,

how they thought it was gonna go or they get laid off or, you know, you become an entrepreneur and entrepreneurship looks fricking glamorous. It's a bitch, especially in the restaurant business. And you had been an entrepreneur. So can you just share just a little bit of context for people so they understand like how long you would look in the mirror and see somebody that failed

and why you felt that way. Oh, it had to have been 15 years anyway. 15 years? Oh, yeah. Now, I don't think it was the unraveling of the restaurant business that was the beginning of that, I think that it... I'm not sure exactly when, but as you and I know, like the looking back on my very colorful career, I am grateful today for all of the things that I did, but having moved through so many different roles and responsibilities and industries and companies and job changes, and I just never, ever related to myself. Like, I was succeeding in a professional sense, and I, of course, concluded that therein lies

the source of my failure because my job here is to be the provider, the proverbial provider, and to go, quote, make it happen. So the discomfort with myself and my progress professionally was absolutely what I think dragged me down. I would say that at the time you and I were in the throes of it. I mean, we were talking about just getting up and putting on your boots and just diving into the fire every day. There wasn't, at least it didn't seem like there was a moment to actually stop and acknowledge the good. And quite frankly, you weren't acknowledging me like that. You might have seen me as a good husband or father or, you know, business partner, but those words weren't being shared between us. And so naturally, I didn't get that reinforcement verbally from you.

But I also think that the being in the thick of it and running as fast as as hard as we were didn't, you know, the idea of stopping and looking in the mirror and seeing myself truly for who I am and the good that I have done and acknowledging all the failures as being a source of powerful learning and all that stuff. Fuck that. I wasn't. I wasn't. And that's why I say, I think the hardest part was to stand in front of that mirror

and see your whole self. And for guys, I think for guys that is, for many borderline feels impossible. Because that's what we do. We just get up, put the boots on and go, okay, you know, Mel needs something, the wife needs something, the kids needs something, the employer needs something, dog.

Okay, okay, let me jam in a quick workout. Maybe, you know, maybe because maybe I'm thoughtful about what my mind body or spirit needs, but also something that I think is an afterthought for guys, and we put everybody but ourselves first. So the act of standing in front of a mirror and high-fiving yourself and looking yourself in the eyes and saying, I love you. Outlandish concept.

But hugely, hugely important. And it doesn't happen unless you're sort of willing to really stop and slow down and consider that you matter more than your wife, your kids, your employer, the rest of it. And I think that's part of what has, I think maybe over the years dragged me down was paying zero attention to me and paying all the attention or so I felt on everybody outside of me. And providing and trying to prove that you were successful and trying to earn money and live up to also your dad's expectations.

Yeah, well, that's, I mean, if you really want to go back to the root of it all, we could be here all day. But yeah, even just the basics of putting on a suit and tie and packing a briefcase and catching a train and working in a skyrise in Manhattan, all of those things were just visual cues of what I thought I should be doing. None of which, of course, played out other than the occasional suit until till ties in the rest of it flow out the window, but just I wasn't I wasn't being like my dad, which is what I thought I was supposed to be doing. So you get really emotional when you talk about looking at yourself in the mirror. And I want to hear you talk more about that because the challenge of simply standing in

the mirror and looking in the eyes, I agree with you. That's the hardest part of adding this habit to your morning routine. Just put the toothbrush down and be with the person in the mirror. Look them in the eyes, and don't see a reflection see a human being who needs you. That half of men and women can't or won't look at themselves. And it's a good point because you can, can't or won't look at themselves. And it's a good point because you can, it sounds weird, but you can look right through yourself in the mirror. Yes.

Versus actually seeing yourself. Yes. And if you aren't looking through yourself, a lot of us look at all the things we don't like. And so even gazing at ourselves is an act of self criticism because we're like, I hate my this, I hate my that, my, you know, neck is saggy. And, you know, you have since done tremendous amount of therapy, you are in the middle of getting your masters in spiritual transpersonal psychology. And you've been leading retreats with men, called Soul Degree, for four years, Chris.

And there's a lot of emotion that comes up for you, six years, six years, terrible wife. Can I get a high five? Cure me on you, no. Thank you. Don't let go of my hand. I don't want to hold your hand. You have been in the presence of so many men.

And you've even had Oakley reach out to you and had you counsel some of his friends through anxiety and through issues. And I know there's a lot of emotion there. So, you know, can you like just speak to the men and the boys that may be listening or to the people in their lives that love them about what you've witnessed, about the importance of being able to look yourself in the mirror and learn how to take actions to truly support and love yourself, and that this is a very foreign concept for boys and men.

I often talk about soul degree as being a space that I hold for men that allows them to slow down. When the truth of the matter is, allows them to slow down. When the truth of the matter is, it's in the slow down that all of those beautiful things can take place. And I think that the reason why there's a lot of emotion there for me, particularly with guys,

why there is a lot of emotion is because in my experience and sitting with men, very rarely do men feel truly seen and heard on an emotional level. Yes, and even in just every day real life. I'm so happy you're here. We have to take a short break to hear a word from our sponsors, but when we come back, I want to go back to the mirror and hear more about that experience when you first started looking yourself in the eye and trying this high-five habit. Welcome back.

So Chris, let's go back to the mirror and what you experienced when for five days in a row. You made it a habit to stop at a time in your life where you were still beating the shit out of yourself and look yourself in the eyes. And so what did you experience for yourself personally in terms of the science working, the shift in how you started to see the person in the mirror? Well, transformation doesn't happen without repetition. I know you call it the high five habit, but it's one of those things that it almost feels elusive in terms of becoming habitual. And that's because next week or next year some shit might go down and you might do something or something happens where you really feel

immediately lousy about yourself. And so even though there may be some habit of you getting up saying I love you or high-fiving yourself, your life circumstance is going to get in the way. Right. Frequently. Correct. Just like with exercise or drinking your water or getting a good night's sleep. But when you come back to that moment, I'll tell you something. I look at myself differently and I know you do too. And so the importance of this, because it is something that most of us don't do, I think we casually slip into the subconscious where we're beating ourselves up and we're on autopilot. And every time you pass a mirror, you have a chance to look yourself in the ice and see

a person that is worthy of celebrating, of cheering for, of believing in simply because you're here. That to me is the power of this. What is the power of it for you? The looking in the mirror and the acknowledging of myself, it's rarely like, okay, you got this. You know, all right, you're next meeting or you're next whatever. I think one last thing I want to say to the men out there, any man who feels a sense of failure or that they haven't lived

up to their own expectations or those outside of them, any man who's been battling with or has battled with addiction or depression or any of these things that drag us down, I strongly encourage you to start with you and to begin with forgiveness, not always so easy, but without a doubt, I know from my experience, not just me personally, but being in the company of lots of men, that we are all working our ass off to do the right thing. And while we don't always believe that the results live up, it's in the forgiveness and the starting with yourself and the self-ignolagement. And I want to go back to what you said in the very beginning, because I know that we're going to get a ton of questions, Chris. Wow.

How do I begin that? One step that you could take today is trying this habit of even just looking yourself in the mirror. But I'm shocked that I'm even saying this, given my initial reaction to the high five habit, but I agree. Start right there. Start in the mirror. You will never forgive yourself if you refuse to look yourself in the eyes with compassion

and with forgiveness and with understanding. And one of the reasons why I'm going to keep hammering this everybody, raise your hand and high five the mirror because if you're at a place where you are beating the shit out of yourself and you can't stand yourself for whatever reason, whatever you did, we've all done something, you don't have to change your thoughts, the neurobics and the science of simply making the physical gesture of the high five and all of the lifetime of positive programming associated with it. It has a chemical, a neurological, a psychological benefit immediately that is grounded in science. And so the physical act does the work for you and it starts to plow new neural pathways and it releases dopamine, all of which will help you do the other work that you need to do to walk down the road of forgiving

yourself. You got to start by simply looking at yourself in the eyes and seeing somebody who is worthy of forgiving because you are. Yeah, I can't stress that enough. The mirror is where it happens. Hmm. It's one of the reasons why I always sign off the show by telling the person listening that I love you. I love that about how you sign off.

And I know you mean it. I do mean it because I just know how many people can't look at themselves in the mirror. And it breaks my heart and it feels good to have somebody tell you that they love you and that you're proud of them. And to some extent, unless you're willing to do the work on yourself to let love in from

yourself, to demonstrate encouragement, support, and love by looking at your eyes in the mirror or high-fiving yourself in the mirror, if you can't do that for yourself, you will never let the love in that is all around you from other people. Because you don't believe you're worthy of it it and you're proving it based on your actions. What are you thinking about? Because I can see you getting moved. Well, I'm always moved by the way that you sign off and tell people I love you. And it ties back to what I was saying earlier is just my own experience in being in the company of men who don't, you know, they don't feel that while you're standing

in front of that mirror and you're looking at yourself, you may feel alone. But you are not alone. You are not alone. In either the struggle you have with forgiving yourself or the judgments or the failures or whatever that may be, you are not alone. At a really wild level, there's actually a human being in the mirror who needs you. It's a one person you spend your whole life with. And the moment that you can look them in the eyes and see a human being worth cheering for, you'll realize you aren't alone because you've got yourself. I want to thank you Chris for speaking directly to men, but everything that you're saying, everything that I'm saying is universal.

And I do think it's important, though, for men and boys and people who identify as male, that you hear a male voice saying these things. It is critical that other men realize that your emotional health, your sense of self-esteem, self-awareness, self-love. And going back to the very beginning of what I said at the beginning of this episode today is that I think we get self-love wrong, Chris, because we think love is a feeling. But the truth is, you only feel loved because of other people's actions. And when it comes to learning to love yourself, you have to start with the actions, actions that demonstrate love. And when you are able to stand in front of a mirror and look

yourself in the eyes, that's an act of love. When you're able to bring compassion and understanding to the person in the mirror and you see somebody that's trying and you see somebody that has regrets and you see somebody who still has an incredible life to live and is worthy of love. That's an act of love. When you raise your hand and high five yourself, that's an act of love. And all the research also shows that the most important habit that has the biggest impact in our lives is being kind to yourself. I want you to do this for real. So you know how I mentioned that I had 175,000 people from 91 countries try this for five

days. Well, if you want to try this for five days and get support, go to highfivechallenge.com. And you can do this challenge with people around the world. And high five is spelled H-I-G-H, the number five challenge.com. And for five days, I will support you cheer you on. And so, Chris, I just want to thank you. And I love that you shared all that you just shared with us. And I have one more story, and I would love for you to stay with me,

Han, because I think you're going to love this story, too. It's from a woman named Chris, and her story says it all, about how you are one decision away from a different life, because you are one decision away from changing the way you treat yourself, and when you change the way that you treat yourself, a whole new life opens up for you, just like it did for Chris and just like it did for me. Hey Mel, I'm not sure where to start with this email, but I'm going to start with saying thank you. You've helped me gain my identity and life back. Buckle up, it's a long email. My name is Chris, I'm

35, and from the United States. Back in 2019, my life was falling apart at the seams but quietly. I was doing the best I could to manage with the tiny amount of tools I had, but starting in 2020 through the beginning of 2021 were the worst times of my life to date. All that I had worked for in my life and sacrificed to build, the life that I always had dreamt and wanted was ripped from me, and there was nothing. Mel literally nothing I could do to stop it. And then I went AWOL. I went from being a confident, fit, happy, joyful, positive,

and full of faith, wife, friend, sister, and daughter to something unspeakable. I adopted unhealthy coping mechanisms to numb my emotions. I got lost in TikTok wasting hours of my life. I was better, angry, brokenhearted, and crushed at spirit. I started getting stuck and what I now know is rumination. And the pound stacked on, one after another, along with the shame, guilt, and disgust. At some point, I didn't know what weighed more the shaman guilt or the literal 35 pounds that I've put on The spaces I once felt safe and fulfilled in were no longer safe

Because my mind my anxiety mind she came with me everywhere Her name's Patrice. I named her and She wanted to make sure I knew how horrible I was in every moment of the day How could you make mistakes? You deserve this hurt. You're a disgusting person. You really don't have friends. No one really likes you. They just use you and leave.

And on and on this went. I couldn't even look in the mirror. At some point the panic attack started. I'm talking full-blown, intense attacks where I shake, rock back and forth, and smack myself. I would keep these attacks away from my family. And Mel, at this point, my brain told me, no one loves you, no one.

So, you might as well not be here anymore. And it was so loud all the time. There was no reprieve until at night when I would open a bottle of wine and have some at dinner. And even in my sleep, I would wake in panic attacks. On my way to work one day, I thought while trying to suppress an attack, I could feel coming on. I can't keep living like this. I hate the person I see back in the mirror and all I see is the damaged person and the damage that's been done to me over this last year.

I started to pull out my phone to see if I could find something to help and what did I find? A podcast, but it wasn't yours, but one you were being interviewed on and it changed my life. yours, but one you were being interviewed on and it changed my life. I was in the middle of cleaning a glass slider door and you said go look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself a high five. I stopped everything. I walked into the house and looked into a huge round mirror on my clients' wall and just started to stare at myself while I listened to you speak. I raised my hand high five myself And the tears came rolling down and in that moment a new life began The spark was small but profound

I have relistened the high five habit at least four times my healing journey started in December of 2021 I got myself into therapy. I have been doing tons of research on anxiety, depression, trauma, ADHD, and PTSD. So I can understand what is happening in my brain. But Mel, I wouldn't be here today writing this email, had I not stumbled upon you and all the good you put into this world. Although now, I think after listening to your episode on Synchronisities, it wasn't by chance on that day that I first met you, I was done, and I had no more fighting me, and it was ready to call it quits. But today, I can say I'm a different person, and I'm me again, and I owe a lot of that to my big sis, Mel Robbins. And if anyone hasn't told you today, Mel, I love you and I believe in you.

Um, whoo. I don't know what to say other than, um, it's beautiful. Says a lot about the impact you're making. You know, I, um, I just know how long I struggled. And so if you can learn how to get out of bed, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and get your feet on the floor and stand up and get going, you can keep going. And if you can stand in front of the mirror, no matter what's happened or what you're feeling or what's going on, good or bad, and you can look yourself in the eyes. And you can see a person who is worthy of love,

who is doing their best, who needs your support, who's tired of feeling beaten down, and you can raise your hand, and you can give that person a simple high five to demonstrate that you see them, that you love them, that you're there with them. I personally think that's a secret to everything. I love you. Oh, I love you too.

That's what I want to say. So let's go back to the mirror. Can you describe the person you see today? I see a man I love. I see a man I'm proud of. I see a great father. And I see a great partner to you. And I see a man who has accomplished a lot in a short period of time. I see a man who's doing his best and deserves a look in the eye and a high five. And for that, I'm grateful.

and a high five. And for that, I'm grateful. Please don't ever forget that it's the person in the mirror who's doing the work. It all starts with you. I love you. [♪ Music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in you