The Mel Robbins Podcast - Turn Anxiety Into Power: A 3-Step Process to Master Your Emotions From a Harvard Psychologist

Episode Date: July 20, 2023

In this episode, Harvard professor Dr. Luana Marques is going to teach you 3 simple steps to turn anxiety into power. And she’s not fooling around; in the first few minutes, she even called me out.��If you want to be more successful and effective in getting what you want out of your life or career, learning how to master your emotions, especially in difficult situations, is an essential skill. And Dr. Luana is a sought-after expert who will teach you how. If major life changes crush you with overwhelm and anxiety, this is for you. If stress and frustration are holding you back at work, you need her 3-step method. If your palms start to sweat just thinking about… Downloading the dating app.Applying for a better job.Moving in with your significant other.Filing for divorce.Your kids leaving for college or to live on their own. Not anymore. Dr. Luana Marques is a popular Harvard professor here to teach you that change is not only a necessary part of life but an incredibly powerful part of creating the life you want. And even cooler, she is going through a MAJOR career change right now (and using her 3-step process to do it). Today you’ll learn to: Stop running away from your feelings.Silence your self-doubt.Figure out what’s most important to you (so you can run toward it).Jump into new situations using a powerful metaphor. And you’ll get a practical and simple 3-step framework to master any transition in your life.  Grab your notebook, your pencil, and hit play. Xo Mel  In this episode, you’ll learn:02:36: Why are transitions so damn hard?06:45: The exercise you need to find your values, according to research.09:24: What happens when ambition no longer serves you?13:17: What happens when success comes at a cost?16:21: How values have shifted post-pandemic.20:54: Holding space for discomfort with your loved ones is essential.23:58: Feel your feelings; it’s okay to not feel okay.28:41: The one thing you need to add to your calendar today.31:42: Attach yourself to your why.37:56: Dr. Luana’s 3-step method to overcoming any transition.42:04: Dr. Luana’s incredible work at Harvard.43:08: What Dr. Luana means when she says the world is "locked". Disclaimer

Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robyn's podcast. I'm so glad you're here today because there's a huge big life transition going on in our family, our daughter is just graduated from college, she does not have a job after college, and I just feel tense. I feel this wave coming at me. Maybe you've felt that if you have a spouse or a partner that gets fired from a job, or maybe you felt that with a kid, or I have a friend who just lost their dad. And of course, they're going through a period of discomfort. And I just want to

run towards it and try to fix it and make it go away. And so as I was sitting here this morning, starting to get a stomach ache about how can I help her cope with this massive life transition? I thought, you know, Mel, why not be proactive? Why not use an incredible therapist as a way to think through something that is coming at you? That's a good idea, right? And one of the benefits I'm realizing to this podcast is you and I have on speed dial some of the most amazing experts on the planet. And your friend Mel is not going to put it past yourself to reach out and ask for free advice for both of us. We're going to get a two for, you know, two for one, meaning here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna get a therapy session from Dr. Luana Marquez.

Remember her? She's the best-selling author of bold moves and a clinical psychologist, an associate professor at Harvard. She did a wildly popular episode with us all about avoidance, avoiding things at her heart, avoiding all kinds of stuff in our life. You love that episode. So I've got Dr. Luana back and I am grateful that she is here for us because I

need this this help and support and in particular, I want Dr. Luana to walk you and I through clinical and scientific research that helps you move through transition and helps you help other people move through transition. All right, Dr. Luana, welcome back to the Mel Robbins podcast. Thank you, ma'am. I'm so excited to be back. Well, I'm really excited because there's so much that I want to talk to you about. We are in a moment of time when this episode's going to come out where there's tons of people graduating. And that's a major transition. And I am personally bracing. Dr. Marquez, I'm bracing. Our daughter is graduating from college. I can feel the panic attack happening. Wow. Wow. She is then going to leave California and come home

for the summer. Wow. And she is an artist, a singer songwriter, so there's no defined career path. And I know that the bottom is gonna drop out. Why are transitions so damn hard? I can feel the pain already for you, Mel. Oh my God, I can just feel like your whole voice changed and there's so many people in this symbol. In fact, the world is in transition since COVID.

It's a major transition. This is how I think I'm a transition. Before even talk about why it happens or why it's so hard, the way I see transition is somebody wants to go in a journey. And there's this idea of this dream life, this thing that you want to do. And some of my voluntary, some of not,

like your daughter's finishing, it's voluntary transition after college. And she has this whole life ahead of her. And so that's exciting. But then there is the old, right? And the old I see as the shore. And so in transitions, we're like holding on to the shore of what we know, the certainty of the things that we know sort of worked. It's no longer working by the way because you want this dream alive. And then the boat starts to leave and you're holding onto shore and you're holding onto the boat and you start just get stretched thin. And that's what we start to feel. It's that panic that you're talking about. It's that anxiety. It's that uncertainty that happened. But we're so

afraid of this comfort. We avoid this comfort so much that we just continue to hold on. And this is the first thing I want to say to everybody, let go and start swimming, let go and start swimming, because there is no ticket to a perfect life. That holding on is avoidant and how many people have we heard that stay in a job that it's like holding on to certainty. I mean, I'm in the major of a transition in my life, I'm in a career and I'm as scared as you are, but like if I just hold on to Harvard because that's what makes me good enough, then I'm never going to get to explore the world. Wait a minute. What's the transition you're in the middle of? Well, so, you know, for the past year and a half, I really hit a wall at Harvard in the national. And I love what I did in terms of

research, but I, I felt like there's so much more that I could do to help so many more people. I wanted to have an impact in the global world in terms of mental health. And let's be honest, an academic paper is not going to do it, right? It's just not, but I've been terrified to let go of this position, this academic self, to jump into the public speaking, writing books. I don't have a path for that. It is scary in transition. It really is. The first thing we all have to talk about is there's fear there. For sure, in fact, this book came out of my need to create space to have an impact in the global

world. In terms of mental health, I wanted to write this book for 10 years, okay? And I was recording with Dan Harris for his app. And I told him about it. And he says, go do it. Like the world needs it. And I was like, well, and he's like, go do it. Make a bold movie. You can't just talk about a bold movie. Have to make a bold move. And my schedule is still for Harvard, right? I wrote this book between four in the morning and seven in the morning because it mattered to me. And I was going to create space for this book and Harper Collins said it takes a year and a half to two years for a book to come out. And I said to them, what if I delivered in June? And they said, nobody writes a book in four months. It's impossible. I said, try me. And so I did. I woke up at four to seven.

My son, if you read this book, you see the stories of my son every morning, he gets up. He'd run the upstairs, give me this big hug. I would be exhausted seven the morning. I'm already tired. And those hugs created such connection for me and reminded me why I'm writing this book. And then he would say, and he's like, I want to write to you today.

I want to write about how I love my mom. And we'd sit in my computer for a little bit. He's five. She's not writing, but he's thinking he's writing. And that's what a value-driven life looks like. You create space for it. You go for it. And I have no idea what the world would do with this book, but for me is the integration

of all parts of my life coming true. Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Luana Marquez in the house, that's how you do a bold move and that's why you need to read this book. And that's why I'm here with you. Because now, you know, your team called on Friday afternoon and today's Monday morning, I have this stuff I do at Harvard, I got it done over the weekend so that I could be here with you. And every action I take is aligned with the impact right now. You need to create space for integration to happen.

And so I choose those actions very carefully. And that's what integration looks like. I just feel excited to be here. I feel so alive talking to you because it's 100% value aligned. That's amazing. Wow. You talk about values, whether you're be here, if it's so alive, talking to you, because it's 100% value aligned. That's amazing. Wow. You talk about values, whether you're going to move or you're breaking up or you're changing jobs or you're thinking about your dreams or college is ending.

What is the intersection of values and transitions? So values are so important. So that's the find values first, right? Values are intrinsic motivators. There are the things that matter the most to us, the things that should be our compass in life, family, religion, wealth, integrity, right? And so what is the intersection between values and transitions?

Well, in transitions, our values are questioned. What matters the most to us should be our compass. Let me give you a personal example to make this come to life for everybody. Early on in my career, ambition was the value that mattered the most to me. Okay. And once you have a value, then we set goals with those values. For me, was getting to graduate school. Then I had to go get into Harvard. Then I wanted to be an assistant professor. Ambition was the value. And then I set clear goals for those values.

Eventually I got to associate professor. They became associate professor. A colleague of mine said to me, so what are you gonna do next to become full professor? And that question bothered me. I was like, do I wanna be a full professor? Ambition got me out of poverty. Ambition got me out of poverty.

Ambition got me out of Brazil. Ambition is how I define how I would never go back to be poor again. But no longer ambition is working for me now. I'd lay in bed at night and I had all the success and Harvard and yet my brain was just not happy. I couldn to sleep. I put on 40 pounds, 40 pounds. Right? And I kept saying to myself, what if I just write another grant, what if I just write another paper? You know, I don't have the right to feel the way I do with all the privilege I have. And so ambition no longer was serving me, but I kept going at it, kept going at it. And one day I was sitting in my writing a grant, and half of my basement numb, just numb. And the first that I had is the one that does the anxiety.

You want to have to be at work, you're writing a grant. This is just anxiety. Nice thing you know, half of my body starts to tingling, and I'm terrified. And then the next thing I thought is, oh my god, I'm having a stroke. Yeah, I'm having a stroke. So I call the nurse.

And meanwhile, I'm like, I'm an anxiety researcher. I treat me like I this is just anxiety I'm gonna say myself but like half of my body is numb and The doctor my husband like drives me. I'm crying and at that point I remember going to my primary care bag Now I'm saying to myself. Oh my god. I hit rock bottom like this is no longer working I know what I'm doing is no longer working, but now I'm about to lose everything. Right? Now I'm having a stroke.

And what if I can't speak again? What if I could like everything in my life that I had worked so hard was right in front of me. And I just had this moment of like holy shit, like holy shit. I've avoided for so long by falling this value that no longer served me. Yeah. And just to avoid my transition. Well, that's all I was doing as a witness transition.

And so I turned out that I wasn't having a stroke. Thank God. And they think it was a severe migraine. I've never had a migraine in my life. I don't know. The neurologist, like, he was 48 hours of hell. And that's when I face reality. Like that moment was when I paused and was like, there was 48 hours of hell. And that's when I face reality. Like that moment was when I paused and was like, I cannot avoid the transition anymore. I'm no longer

actually living a value driven life. I'm living an emotion driven life. I'm just trying to not feel uncomfortable. So I keep doing the things. And you asked me an important question in the beginning, why this transition is so hard, right? Why has has hurt so much? It's because it creates so much discomfort. And in that moment, I was just avoiding it. I was just avoiding it. And I couldn't avoid it anymore. And the reason I shared this with people is I hope people wake up before they get that well because we hold on to the old so much to not go towards our dreams and I nearly killed myself in the process and think about how much skills I have and I still have waited. How do you figure out what your values are? So one of the exercises I use with my patients that I use that day is to actually do the opposite of what anybody does which is to lean towards the pain. In the days after that nearly stroke, I set with myself

crying early in the morning for many mornings. I think, why does this hurt so much? What about this hurt so much? What is that? That is missing. And what is in my life missing? And what I realized is behind that pain, there was a value that's been violated. It's not that I didn't care about ambition anymore, is that what I really cared about is I wanted to make a bigger impact in the world. I knew that the things I was doing were not aligned with impact. They make impact on the patients that I work for sure, but I saw the world hurting. I saw the rising anxiety from the CDC, a 40% of Americans with clinical level of anxiety and the pressure.

He was sitting in my little house with all the skills that my grandmother gave me, that science gave me, and I wasn't doing anything with it. I wanted to create a podcast. I didn't have a podcast. I wanted to write a book. I hadn't written a book. I wanted to go out there and meet people like you, and I wasn't doing it. I wanted to create a podcast. I didn't have a podcast. I want to write a book. I hadn't written a book. I wanted to go out there and meet people like you and I wasn't doing it. And when I leaned into that pain, I saw impact and I was like, wait a minute, I need to change my entire life. I need to change what I do. And so that's my recommendation. Lean towards the pain

and ask yourself why this is dis hurt? The transition that you're describing is one that I recently went through over the last two years. And I knew that there was something that I valued more than chasing more success. And it was about connection and impact and peace and family and simplicity. And you can have more than one value, right?

I don't have to say I can't have more than one. But it's a little bit for us now. Can you just tell me a little bit of the beginning of this transition and chasing success and no longer feeling like success did it? Well, yeah. I think like a lot of people, somewhere along the line, I got the message that achievement equals love, that if you're performing, if you're busy, if you are making a lot of money, if you're winning awards, if you're doing things that people talk about, that means you're

worthy of somebody's love and attention. That was a value that I was trying to create in myself. What started to happen for me is that once I got to a level of success where I had paid off our debt and I was actively saving money and I could afford to do whatever I wanted to do. I'm not talking Lamborghini's and that kind of crap, but just had a really great lifestyle and was proud of myself.

I wasn't happy. Yeah. And like you, I felt like an asshole. You didn't use that word, but I'll use that word with myself. I'm like, what kind of an asshole are you? You're sitting here making an impact on millions of people's lives. You are being flown first class all over the place. You could afford to eat anywhere you want. What the fuck is wrong with you? And what was wrong with me is one of my

core values was severely violated. I was profoundly disconnected from my husband, from my kids. I had exactly two friends that I saw. And so I was profoundly lonely. And I was never not working. And so something's got to give. And what actually gave is March 8th of 2020. Yeah. The world turned upside down. And is March 8th of 2020. Yeah. The world turned upside down and I found myself like the entire planet found themselves. Questioning absolutely everything. The greatest gift is it made me really assess what my values truly were. And when my husband and our three kids were then under one roof together, it made me realize how much that's all I wanted to do was be with them. I'm like, you know what? Mel, it's time to stop talking about and thinking about doing a podcast. It's time to get serious about it. That was the moment for me. It was values driven.

And I asked you the question about how you figure out your values because it's a surprisingly hard thing to do. It is so hard. It is so hard. And you actually unpacked so much because, I think the world has gone through a value shift in this pandemic. How so? Because the things, the values that worked before the pandemic no longer fit for most people. People, now we hear people talking about they want more flexibility in their job, they want to work from home wide

because they realize a family mattered and it was being compromised by the way they worked and did their family time. But most people, however, haven't had the privilege of what you have of being able to pause and reflect. A lot of people still in the treadmill of life. That's what I see in my office. People call me and they're still trying to fit their old values to this post-pandemic life. You need a real alignment. How do you find your values? Is your question? I talked about pain the other way to find values, which I think is what happened to you as this. Lean into the moments that you feel your best.

Okay. What about their moments? What's so important, right? You were talking about being with your family, the way you said, you know, my three kids and my husband, you lighten up. I could just see you and you were living room with them. And if I went behind your brain, I could see

just male being content connected and present. Yes. Right. Versus mal on that plane and you're craving that connection, that real connection with family. And so in those moments of like flow, in those moments of quietness, ask yourself, what matters in this moment? Why is this moment important to me? Why do I feel good?

And that's our values are right there. Dr. Lona, I just love you. You are so awesome. I feel better already and we've only just begun. Let's take a quick pause. Let's hear a word from our sponsors. They can bring us your extraordinary wisdom and advice for zero cost. We'll be right back. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins and I am getting a personal coaching and therapy session about moving through transition from none other than Dr. Luana. All right, Dr. Luana, let's talk about the transition that my daughter's going through. How can I help her cope with this massive life transition? So I think there's two things that you can do now.

The first one is I think we need to help you cope with the transition. Because it's, I'm sorry to say with the transition for you too. Right? It's a big transition for you, right? It's ending time she's coming home and I heard you say things like,

what's next for her? Right? We all have expectations of other people in transition too. So I think first thing, just you pausing and asking yourself about your expectations of her transition. You are so good. Wow.

Here's how I feel about it. I am very triggered by her anxiety. And so knowing that one of my kids is really uncomfortable makes me want to run and save her from it. What about her anxiety makes you feel uncomfortable? What are you saying to yourself that her anxiety makes you feel anxious? That somebody that I love is in pain and I wanna make it go away.

The way? I don't know. Cause it hurts my heart to see her crying and sad and because he love her. Yeah, and also they'll probably be a level of moping and annoying behavior that gets aimed at my husband and I when she's home and she's not able to tolerate like the feelings and the fact that it's over and the college went like that and her fear about what comes next and so knowing that there will be a level of discomfort makes me uncomfortable. Well, but for you now, what I hear is this, you love your daughter.

Yes. And her being uncomfortable, it's being translated in your brain, something is bad. True. And let's be clear, there's no transition without this comfort for anybody. She's going to have some love or this comfort that she has to tolerate and do you have to tolerate if she didn't mouth, something to be wrong. It's true. All right.

So the first thing is her being uncomfortable and her anxiety. Don't necessarily mean something bad. Now, you can lead to something bad. But at first, I want to really think about this as an opportunity for a new beginning. Right. She's closing in and there was a natural grief that happens for everybody or letting go of the old. Yeah. And so she's going to come home with some leverage discomfort. A lot of the kids coming home from college are going to have some lever of this conference. And I think the first thing the parents can do is allow this conference shake.

Is this a little bit maybe not going into fixed right away? Right? And if you get through on it, you like the way you're talking about just pausing and calling it out saying, hey, listen, it looks like you're upset and you're throwing it at me. And this is not my transition. Yeah. My holding speaks from this conference. The first thing a parent can do.

Well, I think this is even bigger. I just want to run towards it and try to fix it and make it go away. And I think you're right. It's that I, in my brain, associate these transitions in life and these moments of emotional processing and our people as bad. Yeah. And so you were trying to fix it. I had a friend of mine just got fired from a job after 10 years financial industry.

She just woke up when they and got fired. So she texted me. I canceled everything. So let's go for lunch. We sit in lunch. And the first thing she said to me is like, you know, Luana, a week ago, I was walking into work and I just wanted my ID to not go through. I wanted them to have fired me already.

I was so miserable. But I just didn't want to quit. It pays the bills. And so, and I looked around and I said, we have best friends. And you never told them in their level of discomfort. People are so ashamed of how they interpret the discomfort they don't even share. And then, I looked at her and I said,

how you feeling? I'm okay, I'm okay. And I paused and I looked at her. I called her Mary and I said, Mary, it's okay not to be okay. And for a week, you know, when I called her, she's like, it's okay. I said, it is not okay. You just a week now, when I called her, she's like, it's okay. I said,

it is not okay. You just got fired and you are the one that pays most of the bills in your house. If you're not feeling uncomfortable right now, something is wrong and I want you to know it's okay, not to be okay. It's okay to have this comfort right now. And if you run for a night, you're just going to avoid the rest of your life. So the first step here in transition is to feel our feelings. Right? I don't want to feel my feelings. I know. I don't like I want to just not feel that way.

Yeah, but see, that's the only way to feel more uncomfortable is not feeling our feelings. So feelings are normal, biologically wired, and we have them. Our brain tells us when we feel uncomfortable. And then what we do, we run, we avoid, and then we feel more uncomfortable. And the only way of actually getting through your emotions is by feeling feelings. We've seen this on kids.

Look at a five year old in a temper tantrum. Yeah, right. If you tell them, stop feeling this way, stop feeling this way. They escalate, they get so loud and obnoxious. It's true. If you sit next to a five year old and say, okay, so you're feeling frustrated. What else are you feeling?

And my son will be like, I don't want to tell my emotions right now. I said, okay, so you're feeling like you don't want to feel. And I just sit there and I wait. And guess what? His emotional brain cools off. His thinking brain comes back online and he lasts three minutes instead of 20 minutes.

I'll fight. So what do I do? I think two things we're gonna do. Oh, that's right. We were talking about me. Now think two things we're going to do. Oh, that's right. We were talking about me. Now, see how I wanted to shift this. Do you know why?

I'm avoiding you. Yes. You are making me talk about something that makes me uncomfortable. You are absolutely. I just, I just, you just wanted to run away from your emotions right now. Yes. Do you see how fast it happens now? Yes.

So, and we do this. That's one of the tactics of avoidance. We just shift the conversation. It's much safer in your podcast. You talk about your daughter and her transition, her anxiety, then just sit here with, I'm having trouble feeling my feelings right now. Yeah. I'm absorbing her transition as my own.

Yeah. Wow. So I just need to feel my feelings. Yeah. I need to avoid the urge to rush in and fix it. And I need to just hold space and let her and myself feel whatever we're gonna feel. And what do you feel right now?

Can we just stay with that? What does it feel like right now? I feel really sad for her. Tell me more. Oh my God, really? Yes. I feel like the tractor beam lock on, I feel really sad for her. I had a really crappy end to my college experience where I got extremely sick and they thought I had meningitis. And I experienced graduation by laying underneath the tree on the side.

And I didn't get, I don't even remember walking across that stage. I'm not sure I was well enough. So you were really sad about yourself, Mel? That's what you really said about. You didn't have a graduation. But see, your brain is back at your graduation. That's why if you said, oh wow, you're not feeling sad for your daughter feeling sad that you got robs your own graduation. That would make me sad too. I mean, seeing you under that tree right now just made my heart crunch like I had a little heart moments that yeah, that's true. It's true. And you know, I think I'm also just And I think I'm also just very present to the fear that she feels now that school's over.

And it's time to do the work. You wanna be a singer-songwriter, prove it. Mm-hmm. And I just feel worried for her. Of course you do. Your mother, your lover, we establish the love matters. So worried for her makes a lot of sense. You know, concern that this transition is going to be hard for a lot of kids is the first time they have to really prove themselves.

The first time that they have to really show up because he college has a map. You do this and you do this and you do this. The real life transitions don't have a map. They come with uncertainty. Uncertainty activates our brain, it makes us go on fight flight of freeze, and that's why we want to avoid transitions because they're fears over writing it. But you have the techniques to help her. It's going to be her choosing to approach every day. And it sounds like she has a clear value. She cares, and I'm going to put the words in her mouth, but she cares about creativity. She cares. Oh, yeah. Right.

And so now she needs to create clear goals. And you know, we're here in the studio. You have amazing systems already they developed for yourself. You help her develop her own systems around what are the actions she's going to take every day towards that value. And life happens one little day at a time. You don't become on stage and become the best singer overnight. Right? So she's going to have to lean towards that value every day.

And what I'd say to her is that every week on Sunday, look at your calendar for the next week. Yep. Make sure that your actions are aligned with your values. Every day I do this, I every Sunday, I look in for day, I'm not acting towards impact or family or health, which is another one for me. I'm not putting 40 pounds back on, so I need to get to the gym.

And if it's not there, I rearrange my day. Because what science teaches us is that a value-driven life, the creases of stress, the creases of depression, the creasing of anxiety, increases well-being. And so I bet your daughter can't create this beautiful life, one little action at a time. Well, here's the irony. The lack of structures, probably exactly what she needs. There's probably a kind of a, the container has been amazing for the stage that she's in. And now it's time for her to go and create what she needs to create.

That's it. That's it. I just cut so much out of that conversation. Why don't we just hit the pause button real quick so we can process what you just said. And when we come back from a short break, we're going to keep moving through this transition and make its bold moves.

Stay with us. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins. We are so glad you're here. Dr. Luana is here. She's got a arm around you and me and she's teaching us how to make some bold moves. So, Dr. Luana, I love values as a way to anchor yourself through transition. If you go to transitions and you don't have an anchor, right, I love the word you use, that there's a word I think about. It's like the visualized shared with patients is you're in a boat, it's a choppy waters, okay?

And you're just going whatever, the wind is blowing. In choppy waters, you've got to drop an anchor. And that anchor is your values. And now you decide, okay, now that I'm anchored, I know the values, then you decide which way you're going to seal in your life. But you have to have an anchor first so that you not just blown everywhere. And your daughter is an awesome position because it's clear to me she has the anchor values are the wheel anchors in life. It's true. Using values and anchoring yourself on it and helping it be a North Star for you is okay, this is what I care about moving forward,

what are the actions that show this. I want to show you something. Okay. I can just stay right there. I'm going to go get it. So when I had this huge transition and we moved up here to Southern Vermont and I came here kicking and screaming. Yeah. There is no target, no Walmart here. How am I going to live here? There are 3,000 people here. The nearest airport is an hour and a half. What the fuck are we doing? Like I was just a toddler throwing a temper tantrum for months. Yeah. I was spiraling so badly through this transition that I wrote all of the reasons why we were here that I needed to remind myself of.

I think it's still in my office. I'm kind of scared to read it because I was in a pretty bad state. But I used this to rescue myself. Let me get. Okay. Oh my God. Let's do this. Oh my God.

I'm so excited. Oh my God. This was my office, you guys. I would wake up in the morning and I would look out the window and I would say to myself something empowering like, why the fuck did I do this? And I'd walk up to my office and I'd be wiping away the tears. And so here is what I would remind myself of, my values. Number one, you're here for peace and feeling deeply connected to my life, love and mission.

Look at that. Just pause in there. What do you feel when you say that's yourself? It's true. Like, when I wrote this, I wanted to believe that. But first, we don't believe it, by the way. When we first identify our values, you're so scared that I bet in the beginning,

you're still had those fears. The brain wants to fight transition so hard, then that narrative, like there's no Walmart, there's no target, there's no this. But I want peace, but how about the Walmart? Right? It is so true because it happens to all of us. Yes.

Right. In that moment, identifying our values, shedding that light like into what matters most, then it takes action to live that life. But can't care for one more, at least no, I want to get more. I can breed them all. More time having fun with family and friends and spend more time with Oakley and Chris. Look at that. Connection. Connection. From all more time having fun with family and friends and spend more time with Oakley and Chris. Okay, that connection.

It's incredible. Build a simple, beautiful and elegant business model. Do you know what I love about that one, if I may reflect a little bit? They skill that I talk a lot in my books called Align. Align is the idea of aligning values and action. But I believe in an aligned life where your job and your family and connection they all come together. It's like an orchestra playing so that your job is not rubbing you for new family and your family is not taking time away for new job because

it's well orchestrated. I love this because you're basically saying the multiple parts of my values have to all fit and you know connection and and your business like your values and they all fitting together this is this is why you're so happy I can see it. Oh I'm a different human being and I need to just say when I wrote this I was sobbing hysterically, convincing myself that moving here was the biggest mistake I had ever made. And I wrote this as an act of desperation. I got to remind myself why in the storm of my mind, I have to be able to see on a fucking wall.

I mean, there's a huge like one of these big sticky post and things if you're not watching this on YouTube with us in your listening to us and I took a sharpie out and I wrote this and then I wrote global impact through higher leveraged use of my time and entertaining impacting and changing lives and then I wrote have fucking fun

See friends every day. And travel for fun with family and friends, not just for work. Look at that. Look at that. And see, fucking did it. Like I literally wrote the shit down when the middle of a breakdown, and I've spent the last two years slowly, day by day, transforming this business, and transforming my habits and my mindset to align with this thing that did not exist when I wrote it. That's it.

See, you leaned against the pain, right? You're in the middle of tears, and what people want to do in these tears, they want to avoid. You basically said, why? I want to gin and tonic. That's what I wanted. For sure. Why not? Let's numb it out. Yes, numb it out. That was avoiding it.

If you create the life, I'm lined with values, then you're in flow state all the time. If you're going to have this comfort anyhow, so I say to people, if you're going to have those tears anyhow, might as well use them. Why the fuck feel bad and not use that pain in a way that actually gets you unbinded? And this, and you approve of it, two years. And then on the other side of this list, I have this way to break down the fear because it was just all fear.

I mean, this was all brand new. I was reinventing everything. I was going through a major transition like the rest of the world was too. And even though I had all these values written down on one side of this post at note, the fear was just overwhelming. And so I gave myself this little cheat sheet, and then I made myself this promise. Don't run.

It's incredible, because what I see here is what we've been talking about, this idea of you don't want a few of feelings, well but we have to feel your feelings, right? You cry to write this and then you said, approach, don't run as a poach, stay with it, right? But stay with it in a value driven way. You have a three step approach to all transitions. Can you walk us through it? So in transitions, you need to shift approach and align.

First, you're going to shift your perspective, learn to talk to yourself as your best friend, and you're talking about here. Notice the bitch in the here. Right? I love it. That's shifting the way you're talking to yourself. Second, you want to approach, don't run. In transitions, go towards this comfort, really lean in on living a comfortable, uncomfortable life. And three, align. Align values and actions. So in the middle of transition, lean into the pain, less your values, and then create action items. And that's what you did actually, because I see items in those less. They're values. And then you're talking about building your business based on those values.

And then go do it and go do it. The transition is going to be uncomfortable. There's no transition that doesn't have discomfort, but holding on to the old just keeps you stuck. Yeah, I am getting so much out of this conversation, the fact that you need to approach, which is leaning into the pain. That's where you're going to find your values. And then you align your actions with these new values. And what I'm realizing is that the number of times that I have rushed in to try to save one of my kids from a hard period by fixing it all, oh, I'll give you the script. I'll do this. I'll

call that person for you. I'm actually robbing them of what happens when you turn toward the thing that you're avoiding and the discomfort and you approach it. Absolutely. That's what beautifully put. I mean, I just realized that if I try to make it okay for, let's just use the example of my daughter, stepping out of something she loved dearly for four years and stepping into the big unknown, if I don't give her the space to feel all of the discomfort, she actually needs that discomfort right now. She needs it to discover something within herself. Yes. And if I remove it, I am also removing something she needs from her life. That's it. Wow. Yeah, you're robbing her for the chance of living her best life

because you're in fact, what we do is we prolong people's pain because eventually it's going to hit. Eventually she has to go through this comfort to find her values to leave her most meaningful life. And if you're going to feel uncomfortable anyhow, might as well do it right away. Holy cow. I'm just sitting here going, boy did I fuck up at times with a bear. It's like I really robbed my kids of some of the lessons they needed.

And that's why the lessons keep repeating. Don't they? Why do the lessons keep repeating? And you did, Mel, because you love them so much. And I want everybody to hear this is important. Parentalhood is hard. None of us are perfect. We're gonna mess it up.

I have a friend who's a psychologist who has a joke that she says that every time she mess it up, she puts money in the therapy jar. She's like, I know they're gonna need therapy. I'm not gonna just put some money there because I'm the one messing up sometimes. But that's just parenthood. That's how it goes.

But we can actually prevent from doing that by just letting them live their lives and sitting with this comfort and actually modeling it. Like, show you a daughter this and say, create your own. Right, create your own. Right. Create your own. I have a great idea.

I have a great idea. I have a great possibility for it. Everybody should create one of these. What is worth going through this pain for? We're going to take a photo of it and link it to the show notes so that you can see what I wrote sobbing two years ago about what my north star was going to be. And it was all because of the pain. That's all because it made me bring the, what do I value?

What is worth going through this pain for? And everything on the left hand side of this post-it note, and everything that'll be on your post-it note, that you value will be worth going through the pain for. It is. And that's how we get to integration. Right. For me, I had this moment that I just wanted to run from Harvard and I was like, you know what? It's like this small box and it's not aligned with impact. And so I wanted to like divorce it. I wanted

to avoid it. Right. And yet there's a part of me. I'm an academic at heart. I think as an academic. And so I actually, I wanted to avoid so bad that I called my boss up and I have this incredible chair in psychiatry. He's amazing. And I sat to him and said, Maricio, I'm done. Like, you know, this is causing me too much pain, it's too restricted. And I'm sobbing with the chair, like sobbing,

on a Zoom call. And he paused and he said, what is the problem? I said, it's just too small. Like everything has bureaucracy and like, I can't just go do things." And he's like, so what I hear you're saying is there's a part of it they still like and I said, yeah, I mean I created all this training material for paraprofessionals and I really care about it. It's not like I don't care about training paraprofession. In fact, we need a more workforce and that's the future. But like I wanted to create a podcast.

I want to write a book and and so I want to quit and he's like, I wanted to create a podcast. I want to write a book. And, and so I want to quit. And he's like, what if we just work to eventually decrease your percent effort? You're here a day or two week. We can discuss what that looks like. And you don't have to give up being a social professor. However, we are proud of we wanted to be a social professor, but you also don't want to limit it. You wantana. And like his ability to hold space, he could have done, he could set goal, he could have said no way, you have to stay 100%. He held space.

He did for me what I hope you do for your daughter. He let me sit in this conference and cry with him. And I said to him, I don't know. Like I came out of the conversation, not knowing. And he said, you sit with him and figure it out. And so as I lunch this new piece of my life, I'll have the Harvard appointment. I'm going to say it. I'm negotiating with him how a small that becomes and what it looks like. But I want to give that up. Wow. You said that the world went

through this major transition. And you have had a clinical practice through it. What have you seen in the people that you're treating? So I've seen people feel more and more anxious, more and more uncomfortable, and people are having trouble accepting that this comfort is not the problem. I think the degree of anxiety is so high right now that even in therapy, I see their brain's locking. And it's like I'm saying the same thing again and again in a different way, because the brain can't hear, right?

When we are on fight, fight and freeze, it's like our brains out for lunch with friends and we can't get in. And I've seen this a more and more. People have locked. That's how I see. I see the world locked. And we're talking about transition today. So it's really important.

And I see everybody wanting to hold on to their self's pre-pandemic. But does it used to work before the pandemic? Why doesn't it work anymore? It doesn't. You're a different person, the world has changed, and you need to pause look at your values before you can create the life you want. It's so true. It is a conflict of values. It is a conflict of values. That you have had something shift in your values in the last three years, and you have not hit the pause and done the work to align your life with this shift and values. Yeah. So you keep doing the same thing you did before.

The outcome is not the same because you've shifted in the world, shifted and you keep getting frustrated and you believe in the anxiety, because I is not the problem here, Pio. It's that we are avoiding our emotions and our transitions. Wow. The only reason that question comes up is because you are not comfortable in your own life, but we want to avoid transition. That's the problem. So damn good. I understand now what's actually going on underneath the surface, and I'm not concerned

at all about our daughter coming home. Look at that. And that's what we hope for everybody. Listen to us. I authentically see the discomfort as a really, really important thing for her to experience. And my job is to simply hold space and support her as she experiences it. That's it. Yeah, I mean, I look at my own transformation. White knuckleling these past two years and how much I hated it, how much at one point, I tried to get the house back that we sold. I mean, just holding on to the old spirit. And thank God. I went through this. Yes. Thank God. Yeah, I feel the same way now.

The mornings crying, trying to figure out what to do next. They were so important. I feel like my life integrated. Now I have this little girl, Groping Poor, and Brazil, a Harvard professor, a accomplished author who now can go on take on the world. And if I hadn't gone through that pain, I wouldn't be here. I'll thank God you did.

Because we're all benefiting from it. Look at how far we've come, everyone, you and me. Look what we're doing. Let's lock arms and keep doing this life thing together. Okay? I love Dr. Luana and I love you. I really do. I want to make sure to tell you that I love you, I believe in you and I believe in your ability to make these bold moves. I've been crying. Dr. Luana has been crying trying to figure it out. We're all crying and we're trying. And as long as you keep trying and making those bold moves, you now have the three-part framework in order to move through absolutely anything. I'll talk to you in a few days. Okay, let me clap. Sorry, that's not to startle you awake. You have a three step approach to all transitions.

Oh, I should ask. What is it? All right. Do you remember where we were? I don't remember. You were in the middle of saying something about. Oh my God. Hold on a second.

I think this is the traffic. Trashman. Is that Chris in the barn? Is he sanding? Can you hear Chris's song? Here's our recycling. I don't know why they don't pick it up at the same time. This is why we're getting a Soundproof Studio in Boston. Oh, and one more thing.

And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyer's right and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher

it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher.