The Mel Robbins Podcast - You Are a Badass: Unlock Your Most Authentic Self in 4 Proven Steps

Episode Date: July 24, 2023

In this episode, renowned researcher, bestselling author, and total badass Ritu Bhasin will help you step into your power. Her work proves that a better life begins when you stop trying to fit in and start showing up as your authentic self. Does this sound like you? You say yes to fit in.You stay silent and let others talk over you during meetings.You never ask for that raise you’ve earned.You let your partner and friends make all the decisions.You don’t have big goals because you’re afraid to fail.  Before you waste another day of your life pretending to be someone you're not, listen to this life-changing episode.  You deserve better. This episode will teach you how to make the rules and be who you want to be. Ritu and I will teach you how to claim your confidence and live a bolder, badass life in 4 simple steps. Game ON.  This is your time. Take it. Xo, Mel In this episode, you’ll learn:  05:27: Why Ritu wanted to make an entire video about how to pronounce her name.09:08: What it means to stand in your power.12:53: Are you masking your true identity?18:32: Feeling comfortable with yourself vs. hiding who you really are…22:24: The pressure to perform shows up in the body in these ways…27:02: The #1 thing Ritu did to bring more belonging and authenticity into her life. 29:24: 3 steps to conquer uncomfortable situations.31:42: The mantra that Ritu repeats to herself to stay in control.37:11: The only thing you can control are your actions. 43:48: The most important version of your “self” looks like this..47:32: How to make others feel like they belong, too, and why that matters.49:52: You have 3 versions of your "self" - here’s what they are.52:54: We are all adults stuck in a middle school brain.58:38: The #1 takeaway I want you to get from this conversation.  Disclaimer

Hey, it's friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I am really looking forward to this conversation with you today. I'm so glad you're taking the time to be with me. We're going to dig into a topic that I know you are going to love. And that is, how can you become the most authentic version of yourself? And what the hell does that even mean, right? That's a big mouthful of a sentence, the most authentic version of yourself.

And I have a story about authenticity that I want to tell you. Earlier this week, I was in Nashville because I was giving a speech to executives in the supply chain industry. Well, when I go to Nashville, I have to go to Cain Prime. I love Cain Prime for a number of reasons. First of all, they have an appetizer that is bacon, that is sous vide for like 72 hours,

and then they finish it off on a cast iron grill, and you wanna hear what they top it off with? Cotton candy. You heard that right. So that's order number one. Order number two, they make this insanely delicious purple kale salad with currents and almonds and it is just so freaking delicious. And then finally, their steaks.

They're just fantastic. So after the tech rehearsal, I went to Cain Prime and we walk in and we're seated by this really wonderful gentleman. He's clearly the manager of the restaurant. He's dressed to the nines. Just, you know, one of these people that you can tell, they love, love, love taking care of people. Takes a lot of pride in that. So we have this fabulous meal, we've paid the bill, and he comes back.

And he asks us how the meal was. And I, of course, I'm so effusive. I mean, even more so than I was with you describing this meal. And he's nodding and smiling. And then he leans in and says, you know, I'm a really big fan of yours. And I just love your podcast. And I looked at him and I, I of course got the thank you out and I gave him a huge hug.

But between you and me, I just am constantly floored at how wide of a range of people listen to and are part of this community. So he then says, Mel, you know what I like about you? You're just so real. You're so authentic. How did you become so comfortable being yourself? And the truth is, for a long time, I went through life being the least authentic version of myself.

And it made me miserable. Spending decades hating myself? That was fun. No, it wasn't. Spending decades trying to please everybody else, assuming that there was something wrong with me, it made me miserable. And I think it was the pain of trying so hard to be somebody else that finally led me to this breakthrough. It's so liberating,

and it's so much easier if you can accept yourself for who you are and for who you're not. It's an important part of it. And be that authentic version of yourself out in the world to have your opinions, to where the things that you want to wear, to dance when you want to dance, to opt out of something if you want to opt out of something, to not hang out with people that don't feel great for you. That's what it means for me to be the most authentic version of myself. I allow myself the grace and the support and the encouragement of just showing up as I am. And since I really don't know how to teach you to do that for yourself, I thought, why

do we track down an expert? Because I'm getting more and more and more questions in the inbox. How do I become the most authentic version of myself? Here's the other question that I get a lot. I don't even feel like myself anymore. I don't even know who I am anymore. Well, what I do know when you're saying that is, you're not the most authentic version of yourself, for sure, because you're not connected to yourself. And so I track down a profoundly respected expert on the topic of authenticity and belonging.

the topic of authenticity and belonging. Ritoo Bascin has been researching these two topics. She has written a best-selling book about them. She is teaching these topics of authenticity on stages and with the biggest brands around the world. And today, she is going to teach you and me a three-part framework for developing the most authentic version of yourself. And more importantly, what to do to support yourself as you start showing up more and more as your full authentic self out in the world, and some people don't like it.

You're going to get a lot of insight and more importantly tools about reconnecting with the most authentic, relatable, and real version of yourself. All right, let's do this. Ritoo, I'm so excited that you're here. Thank you so much for having me, Mal. I'm excited to be here too. And I also wanted to thank you for something very specific. Tell me.

I am genuinely grateful Tell me. I am genuinely grateful that you created a YouTube video that demonstrated the proper pronunciation of your name, including tips for how to get the second part of your name done correctly. Why did you do that? Well, it was born out of necessity, Mal, because with a name like Ritubasin, which by the way, let me take a step back. So my parents are from India. We're Indian by culture. They immigrated now over 50 years ago to Canada, which is where I live, I'm Canadian.

And after decades and decades of having people anglicized my name and pronounced my name as re-2, at the age of 30, I decided that I'm going to stand in my power, claim my belonging as it relates to my name, and have people pronounce it the proper way, which is, re-itdu and my last name is pronounced the same. I grew up with the last name, Shnaiburger. And when people would look at those 12 letters and the

mouthful that that was, they would completely turn it into word salad. Like there's something that feels off when through your whole life, people are saying your name, Rit Thu. You can be able to... Okay, yes, I feel practicing. I live with the anxiety that I'm gonna mispronounce somebody's name.

Now that I'm a professional speaker and I'm on stages and podcasting and bubble-bluff, what I was noticing is that it actually causes people anxiety to say my name incorrectly and I thought you know what I should just help Help people out and let me create this video and so that people can learn to practice and it's it leave you Extrust intention for them and it helps me as well because part of me standing in my power and being who I am and claiming my identity is having people say it correctly. I don't need people to say it 100% correctly. I just need to know that you're signaling that you care because this is what empathy is about. It's the, do you see me? Do you care? Are you paying attention to what's important to me?

So people don't need to nail it and say it the brown way. I just need to know that people are trying. You know what I mean? Well, there's so much in what you just said, which is why I wanted to start here. So you are an expert in belonging and in authenticity. And the courage that it takes to realize that it bothers you, that people are saying your first name incorrectly. And standing in your power to do something about it, you graciously creating a video so that in your professional life, in your personal life, you've explained and helped people in having you feel this sense of belonging and being

seen. This is so difficult for people. I know so many people and you listening to us may be one of them that if you order coffee at a coffee shop and they get your order wrong, you don't say something. Because you don't want to make waves, you don't want people to not like you, you don't want the person behind the counter to feel bad, you don't want to hold up the line. And there's an element of being able to stand in your power and ask for what you need that is part of being your truest, authentic self, correct?

1000% and in fact, I have struggled, I struggled for decades to embrace who I am and be who I am. But as I learned to do my healing work and stand more in my power, what I realized is that every action, every micro behavior that I engage in is one step forward to me fully embracing who I am and claiming belonging for myself. And whether that is the barista at the coffee shop or the customer service person at the airport or the person on the phone or family members or my leader or my team members or my clients or my customers. There's the low stakes, big stakes. Every single act, every behavior I engage in is a chain reaction

for me claiming my authenticity and belonging. But it took me, like, Mal, it took me years to finally make this happen for myself. How did you know that you weren't your authentic self? Because I asked that question, it may seem kind of dumb, but when we use the word authenticity and belonging, what is the difference between authenticity and belonging? Authenticity and belonging go hand in hand. I define belonging as being the profound feeling that we hold within ourselves, of being honored and accepted for who we are. First and foremost, with our own selves, and this is what then enables us to claim belonging with others. And so belonging is about being who we are, embracing who we are first and foremost with our

own selves. We belong to ourselves first. Really what I'm saying here is that belonging is about authenticity. Belonging can only happen because we are being authentic. And so they're intertwined. They go hand in hand. The more authentic we are in our interactions, the more we experience belonging. And to experience belonging, we must be authentic. And so they literally go hand in hand. And in fact, belonging is the outcome of being authentic. I want to help the person listening understand what you're talking about and how you even know if you're authentic self or not. Yeah, it's such an important question. I'm gonna tell you a really quick story

because it's a powerful example of how these moments can happen for us where we can clock the behavior. And I think being intentional and mindful and tuned in is critical, like self-reflection, self-awareness huge. So just in a nutshell, so on the child of immigrants from a very young age, I experienced relentless bullying, childhood bullying, and it was racist in particular. Plus,

I had cultural confusion based on how my parents were like, how white should we make her, how Indian should we push them to be. And so between the cultural confusion and the shielding myself from the hate hurt coming my way as the kid because of being bullied, I learned to put on multiple masks. And I've learned to push down my identities. And I learned to carry what I call a performing self. And when I say performing self, I don't mean like high performance.

I mean like like is a stage where actors on the stage performing who we are as opposed to being who we are? What are examples of performing? There are so many ways in which we end up performing because we feel the pressure to change who we are because others are judging us. So we feel like they're judging us. And so I can't tell you how many people have to share things with me like I changed the way I pronounce my name. I don't talk about my lived experience with anxiety, depression. I don't talk about being gay or trans.

I literally change my accent. I don't talk about growing up in an immigrant household upbringing. I change how I dress. I don't wear my hair natural. I laugh differently. I literally will change the words that I use at work and so much more. There are so many examples that people share with me, but those are just a few. Rathou, thank you for those examples. We need to take a quick break and hear words from our sponsors. But when we come back, I would love for you to share an example of a moment in your life

when you felt like you couldn't be yourself and instead you started to perform. All right, stay with us, we'll be right back. We're talking about the science and research around becoming your most authentic self with best-selling author, Ritthubasin. You were just sharing some examples in your work of where people were performing instead of being their authentic selves. I would love for you to share with us an example from your own life where you felt like you couldn't be your authentic self. I became a lawyer and through the legal profession and as a young woman of color navigating the corporate world I

noticed that the messages around conformity were never directly being bullied as a kid but they were always there subtly. And so I became a master at shifting codes and hiding, curating what I'll talk about at work and what I'll mask on and taking on the hobbies of like the corporate world that were like really popular and but I hated, I did all of this to fit in. I'm using air quotes for those listening and I'm not watching, like fit in

because I can tell you now that changing who we are will never be the same as actual belonging. Like yes, some doors to acceptance will open, but it's not the same as actually belonging. I wanna stop right there because I think that's part of the confusion for most of us. Yes. Where innately we seek to fit in.

And there are varying degrees to which we compromise our true selves. You're talking about something I've never had to personally deal with as a white woman. I've never had to do that code switching because of environments where it was all white, because I blended into that area. I understand what you're talking about

when it comes to the subconscious cues because as dumb as it sounds, I do remember being a corporate lawyer at a time where women didn't wear pants. And that is a very superficial example of fitting in somewhere, because I think I have to fit in in order to succeed. And so everybody, regardless of your background, you have some example, whether it is deep

around your identity, your race, your religion, your sexuality, your gender, or you have examples that are very superficial. Right. But what I really want you to explain for everybody right now is what's the difference between fitting into a group or a culture at work versus belonging to that group of friends or belonging to that team and that culture at work. It is entirely rooted in how you feel now.

You know, oftentimes we think that the mind goes first, but it's actually the body. Our body will signal to us how we're doing our how we're experiencing a situation or a person before our mind even catches up. And so we want to after today start using our body as a guidepost, an anchor for how we're feeling. And so I divided the longing really quickly as the profound feeling. So again, it's something in our body that says to us, I'm being honored and accepted for who I am. When we are experiencing belonging, we feel and flow, like we feel at ease, we feel safe, it feels good, it feels nice.

Even when it feels vulnerable, like even when we're feeling a bit nervous and activated because it's like, oh my gosh, I'm worried what are you going to think and say? But I'm still going to share me and do me. It feels good. Whereas fitting in is activating. When we feel the pressure to put on our performing self-mask and change the way we speak or hide

aspects of our identity. For example, I experienced a lot of inequities and hate and hurt coming my way, tied back to my race and intersectionality with being a girl, a smart girl or a woman and coming from an immigrant child family upbringing. But people experience all kinds of judgment and bias tied back to, for example, mental health.

Like, look at people's experiences with anxiety, depression, or you grew up poor, or you're the first person in your family to go to college, or university, or some people feel like they're so short, tall, they're bigger. We are being judged. The fear of judgment and bias, people actually judging us based on who we are, that's what strikes at our ability to belong. Based on my work in research, I can tell you, when we worry that you're going to judge me, you're going to take your love away from me, you're going to take opportunities away from me, that's what causes us to suppress our authenticity and it strikes at our belonging. And so that's what pushes us to feel like.

I got to put this performing self-mask on terror rate who I am, change the way I speak, change what I talk about, change the way I dress, not tell you about my anxiety depression or who I really want to love or how I view my gender or how unwell my parents were or the really crappy neighborhood I grew up in, whatever the fear is, it's what causes us to curate and sanitize. And so we hide our emotions, we hide our behaviors.

And we do this not because we're evil human beings trying to deceive others. We do this to shield and protect ourselves from judgment. That makes a lot of sense. And I want to take a moment and just turn to you listening to us. It's almost like I'm going to pass you the mic because you've just heard this definition of belonging as feeling safe to be yourself. And I want you to apply this definition to your own life right now. And here's the question I want to ask you. Where in your life are you not being your authentic self? Where you feel this pressure that

Ritthu is talking about to fit in. Maybe you've got friendships where you feel like it's not okay just to be you. Or perhaps you're working somewhere where you feel the need to hide aspects of who you are. Which is one of the reasons now why I don't use the word inauthentic ever. The term inauthentic or inauthenticity, in my view, has a lot of negatives connotations to it. It's like you're deliberately trying to mislead people about who you are. My work in research has shown me that when we put on our performing self-masks,

we don't do it because we're trying to mislead people. We do it because of herd and woundedness. Do it because of pain. We do it because we're afraid others will take their love away. And you know what? It's not a figment of our imagination. It's because people in the past have taken their love away from us. And we worry it'll happen again. But, as we do our healing work and we stand in our power, we start to realize a life that is created and rooted and belonging where I feel in slow

because I get to be who I am around you. Even if you'll judge me, I'm going to do it anyways. It's so much more rich and beautiful than a life of literally walking around with that mask on all the time. And I can tell you, I'm not even up in joking because I did it for decades. This life that I'm leading, it's harder to live because it's more intentional and mindful, but it is so much more beautiful and worth it. Ridthu, so I have a particular question. If you're listening to this conversation right now, and you've never considered the possibility of becoming more authentic, and what it might be like to experience true belonging instead of this pressure to fit in.

How the heck do you even know if you're faking it right now or you're just kind of performing on the surface in order to fit in? So you'll know you're performing because you'll feel heaviness in your chest. You'll feel queesiness in your stomach. You'll start to sweat. You'll feel heat on your face in your chest. You'll feel queesiness in your stomach. You'll start to sweat. You'll feel heat on your face in your chest. You'll hear in your mind all kinds of negative narratives. The comments like, I'm not good enough. You don't like me. I'm such a loser. You'll feel tension in your neck and shoulders. These are just a few examples of things that can happen in our body when we feel the pressure to perform.

There is so much wisdom and beauty that you just dropped on all of us. And I want to try to unpack it, and it is so important to me that as you're listening to us, that you're able to grasp these concepts and start to see where this is applicable in your own life. And the word I keep thinking about that you used is activated. So you said when you feel like you belong, you have this state of flow.

Their minds are not racing ahead, that there is nothing in the moment that you need to manage and that there is this peace and freedom. You're calm, you're anchored. Yup. There's the absence of the panic or anxiousness or activation. You use the word activations. Could you explain that word so that we can all understand it? Because I certainly don't.

So when I'm talking about becoming activated or feeling activation in the body, what I'm referring to is that things happen in the environment that cause us to feel uncomfortable, that cause us to feel stress or tension in the body. That's something that's happening around us triggers us and pushes our body into a place of feeling stress tension throughout ourselves. And it can look like tension in the chest, queesiness in the stomach, stress in our neck and shoulders. It can feel like anxiety, panic inside of us. We can hear negative knot, thoughts swirling in our minds. It's basically a triggering of the body because

of something that's happened around us that doesn't feel good. Yes. And the activation is an interesting word because certain friend groups that I was a part of or certain people I were as dating or certain classes. For example, that I was taking in college or certain jobs that I hated where the moment I was walking into the classroom or into work or I was sitting at a table with my supposed friends and air quotes. I was not anchored and at peace. I was so active in my mind and thinking about other things and worried about something and not able to feel anchored or at peace in those experiences.

And I personally believe based on the number of people that write in and the size of the audience on our social channels and the podcast that most people have a day-to-day, hour-to-hour, minute-to-minute experience of being activated and not belonging. Yes. How does somebody know, and I want you listening to us, I want you to think about, where is the easiest place for somebody to spot this for themselves so that they can recognize a place in their life where they're not able to be their authentic self and where they get into

this particular part of their life and it's very activating. So I love, love, love, love, love, love this question for so many reasons. And in fact, Mel, if you said to me, Ritoo, tell everyone today, what is the number one thing that you did to bring more belonging and authenticity into your life, to bring more ease and joy and slow and peace in your life. What was written. Tell us the number one thing that you did to bring more joy. Into your life. I can pick up what you're putting down woman. So tell us because I want to know, I am always anchored to who I am. Like I often will say here I am anchored. The good swirls around me, the bad, the ugly, everything is swirling around me and I am anchored. And why? The number one thing

that I did to bring more authenticity belonging and joy into my life is cultivate what I call my core wisdom. What the hell is that? Yeah, right, right. Good question. So your our core wisdom is the inner knowing that pushes us to tune into ourselves and say to ourselves in any situation, any interaction, any moment we're in, whether it's a moment of joy or a moment of feeling stressed or a moment of deep pain, whatever it is, we tune in and we say to ourselves, what's my mind saying right now? And in a moment of joy, we'll be saying,

oh, I feel so good, this feels really good. I really like her. Like, for example, right now, I'm really enjoying this. But in a stressful moment, it'll say, oh my God, I'm such a loser. See, I'm always a loser and I can tell he's judging me. And this is why I shouldn't speak. And no,, don't speak and I knew you didn't like me. I'm so we hear the narratives in the head. Okay. We hear the voice. Our core wisdom also pushes us to

say, what am I feeling in my body? So let's go back to what I was sharing earlier. Belonging is a feeling. A lack of belonging is a feeling. What is the difference between fitting in and actually being who we are? You'll know the difference based on what your body is telling you. So our core wisdom says, in this moment, in this experience, what is my body feeling and sensing? And we start to tune in and we feel the stress in our chest And we'll feel that we're starting to sweat and we'll feel the heat on our face and then coupled with the negative Narratives in our in our heaven you're a loser you suck see Don't speak don't be who you are. They're gonna judge you

We hear all of this and feel all of this happening and in that moment We leap into using our core wisdom strategies. Right through. Before you teach us the core strategies, I just want to be sure that everybody listening got those two very important steps. That number one, you tune into your mind and you ask yourself, okay, what is my mind saying to me right now? And if your mind is saying something positive about you

and how you're showing up, that's probably a really good sense that you're being authentic. But if your mind is negative, you can then take step two, which is tune into your body. Because you measure belonging based on how you feel. And if you feel like you aren't able to be yourself or that you don't really belong here without performing, now we're going to turn to the strategies that you've researched in your work. We need to take a quick break and hear a word from our sponsors. And when we come back, I want you to walk us through those strategies and what self-coaching

sounds like. Stay with us. Welcome back. I'm here with bestselling author and researcher, Ritthu Bessine, and we're talking about the science of authenticity and belonging. And I want to jump right back into one of your core strategies, which is self-coaching. Can you give us an example of what that self-coaching

sounds like? Oh, no. In our saboteur, I'm not going to let you talk to me that way. And we have our operations, our month-thrush, our self-coaching ready to go, because we're like, no way, Ritubasin, Stan and Europe Power, Ritubasin speak, or my favorite thing, Ritubasine, stand in your power. Ritubasine speak or my favorite thing. Ritubasine, you've got this.

If you don't speak who will. So then my affirmation is a month or a start going. But then my body is still activated. So then I start doing my deep breathing work in that moment. And I start to this deep, deep breathing. I take my hands, I rub it on my thighs, I put it on my chest, rub my fingers. I feel the tears coming up and I say, cry, let it out, let it out. Oh, you don't want to do it right here because they're watching, you don't feel comfortable.

That's okay. Come back to this later. It's called emotional release or emotional discharge. When we feel like we're being judged, what's actually happening in the body is that as human beings, we're animals and we're governed by our nervous systems. All day long, our nervous systems are clocking for harmful things in the environment. Back in the day, although for some people, I think maybe you, Mel, given how you're early morning heist, we're clocking for bears and forests.

Okay. Most of us are not clocking for bears and forests. Okay. Most of us are not clocking for bears and forests. What's happening is, oh see, you didn't say my name right. Or you rolled your eyes when I was speaking or you raised your eyebrow when you saw what I was wearing or you teapin' to erupting me or I hear the tone in your voice when you're talking to me versus talking to him, whatever it is, those disrespects, those hurtful things that were clocking, the body intakes as a tax. It's not the same as being attacked by there, but it doesn't matter. The body is like, see, you don't like me. And that's what causes this activation.

And when this is happening, energy is generated in the body, which could show up as trembling, shaking, because we're so shocked or we're so upset, could be tears. But the problem is, as humans, we override. And so what happens is the surge of energy comes up, the activation, the tears want to start, we want to start shaking, trembling, let out a moner or cry. But we say, no, don't do that, because you'll be judged. And we push those sensations down. Our core wisdom says to us, come back to it.

So for example, I literally, after I've had a stressful thing happen, or I'm grieving right now because my mother is dying of Alzheimer's, I have all day long, I feel the grief, I'm like, no, you're at work, keep going, keep going. But I come back to the moment later in the evening. And I'll take my memory back to my mom or whatever has happened during the day, that's difficult. And then I'll put on my calming music. I'll feel the tears come up and I let the tears out and I cry and let it out. Why? Because I don't want that energy be trapped in me. But the other thing I'll mention here as it ties to our core wisdom is that I also do this with joy because I feel like for a lot of us,

we have capacity or we spend a lot of time with the pain and what we're not doing enough of is spending time with the joy and joy isn't just a mind thing. Oh, this is so nice and I'm really enjoying this and isn't this experience with my family pretty and nice. It's actually feeling it in my body. And then the very last thing I'll say about core wisdom is that, first of all, I can be developed more we do it.

We develop it. It's like a muscle of course, is that we want to develop our core wisdom so that we build more settled nervous systems so that we're less likely to be activated. And when we are triggered by the horrible ship that happens to us, we're able to address it. Like many experiences like there is no blue pill or red pill that we can take and they go, oh look at that instantly, I am healed. It's not like that. It's a journey. But the better we get, the better and better we get, the less rattled

we are and the happier we are or more joyful. Let's say more joyful. Let me see if I can translate that to two examples. So let's just say an example that everybody can relate to. And it's that you have a friend group and you recognize as you're listening this conversation that you are very activated within this friend group. You're always worried about what you're going to wear. You're typing your texts to them three or four times and then deleting it, putting a lot of emojis. And you are out to dinner with this friend group and you realize, oh my gosh, they've made plans to go away for the weekend two weeks from now. And I'm not invited with them.

And you have that moment where your face turns bright red, you feel the lump in your throat and you immediately do what we all do, which is either just take a big slug of your margarita, excuse yourself and go cry like a child in the uh, stalled the bathroom, or you just shove it down and pretend you don't care. In that moment, is there anything subtle or not subtle that you would recommend that somebody do? Yes. So, in we've got this menu book, I talk about planning and advance of situations happening, because here's the thing everyone. In the moment when we're activated and the shutdown starts, it's really hard not moment to be like, okay, here's what I'm going to do. Because in that moment, we literally feel like you're going to cry

or throw up or we want to run from the building or we want to die. Like literally. And after the fact, yes, let's come back to it. But in advance of situations happening, we plan out what we will do in that difficult moment arises. There are three things I want to leave you with. Yeah. Step one, script. Scripting is the act of

planning out in advance of a situation happening. What is it that I'm going to say in this moment when something difficult happens to me or let's say you're going to tell someone you're dating that you love them for the first time. And you're like, I know this is going to be hard for me. I know I'm probably going to shut down and we're being nervous. Scripting is the act of planning out what you're saying in advance, because what happens is we move it from conscious brain into unconscious brain

in the moment when we are activated. We're like, oh my god, I'm so nervous. It's like the words will be there. Why? Because you implanted them in your brain for future retrieval. So we always script out what we're going to say in these moments in advance.

And have myriad versions of them. I, by the way, you're like, Ruth, where do you do your scripting? Like you can do it at your desk and write it down. I do it in the shower. I do it while I'm walking down the street. So it can be both mental or written down. Yes, I mean, it's always better

everyone to write things down. Why? There's a cognitive process that happens in the brain, a tie-spinning neuroscience, that enables us to engage in better information retention. But here's the thing. If someone were to say to me, I'm not going to write it down.

Fine, I'd rather than you just practice it in your head, at least, something is better than nothing. Do something everyone. So step number one, script. Step number two, choose an advance. What am I going to say to myself in that situation, like self-coaching? When the moment happens and I feel the shutdown start, what am I going to say to myself? So you choose your affirmations or month rest in advance, always in advance. And so, for example, I already modeled a few, I like to say to myself, Ruthu Bissien's standing in your power,

and the reason that really works for me is because for decades I didn't stand in my power, and I'm now all about it. I'm like, I'm standing in my power and I'm giving the F what's happening around me. Or Ruthu Bissien, you've got this, I love that. Or you can do this, I'm worthy, you choose your month or after formation,

whatever it's gonna work for you, in advance. The third thing we do, and this is important because let's remember the body leads, not the mind. We say to ourselves, when I get activated, what am I going to do to settle myself in my body? So, for me in particular, it's breath work. In fact, if you said to me, what's the number one thing I can do for my body to calm myself in any situation?

It's deep belly breathing. You can just go to Dr. Google and put in deep belly breathing. That deep calm breath, focusing on the exhalation in particular because it engages the parasympathetic or the flow part of our system. The reason I love breath work to calm ourselves in situations is you're breathing anyways, number one. You might as well do it in a better, more effective, healthy, productive way

and no one can see you doing it. So if you're worried that, like I would say, I put my hand on my heart a lot or I'll rub my leg or I'll just keep myself a quick, like embrace, like I'll be like, you're good, you're safe, you're telling your body you're safe. If you're like, I can't do that in front of people, I hear that, then just start your deep breathing.

And so those three things, you have your scripts, you have your self-coaching affirmations ready to go, and you've told yourself, as soon as I feel activated, I'm gonna start this body work in the situation, calm myself. The very last thing we do is we visualize. So in advance, we picture ourselves doing these three things. Why we're implanting, let's go back to neuroscience,

future patterns of behavior, and we go into situations with these tools. So that way we're ready, we're ready to go. And just so everyone listening understands, because I want to be sure that we're visualizing the right thing. You gave us two examples. The first example being you're going to tell somebody that you love them for the very first time, which is clearly a very activating moment. Even if you think they're going to say it back and respond

positively, we all have that moment where we're like, oh, should I say it? Should I not say is it too soon? How they going to respond? Yeah In order to stand in your power You're saying to rehearse how you're going to be in your power even if you say I love you and the person's face goes blank and They say nothing back And then you realize they're not going to say it back. Yes. And you visualize that very activating rejection.

Yes. And you, by visualizing it, you are socializing your brain to be able to be powerful, and you will also know and will have rehearsed and have encoded in your subconscious, how you're gonna show up in that moment. And I wanna be clear about something, because I know we're gonna get this question. You are not manifesting the bad thing to happen. That's not what's happening, right?

You're doing something else. So, so can you just explain for this example how this is different than attracting the bad thing to happen? Yeah, absolutely. So we go into a situation knowing we're going to have a conversation with someone and it's like, if they say this, here's what I'm going to say back. If they say this, I'm going to say this, if they say this, I'm going to say this. If they say this, I'm going to say this. And so we literally decision-treat out what the conversation could look like or might be. But this isn't about manifesting negativity.

We are always going into a situation, creating, putting energy towards the outcome we want. We are always in that place where we are driving our intention and the impact to be the, you're having an aha. I am having a big aha moment. So, we put your aha. By rehearsing the worst case scenario and preparing to stand in your power? You are aligning with what you want most, which is the ability to express your love freely. Precisely.

You failed it. Yes. I told you I loved you because that is my truth. You may not have received it in the way that I wanted you to receive it, but I am now free and liberated because I spoke my truth about how I'm feeling. And in fact, someone else's reaction and response to us saying, I love you,

it's not an alignment with how we're feeling. That's not even actually about us in the end anyways. They have their own thing going on that may not give them the capacity to love us back in the way we need to be loved. That doesn't matter in the end. Yes, it matters in the moment. It really hurts. I'd be the first to tell you how many times I told someone I love them or want to date

them and I've been rejected. The list goes on. But it doesn't matter because at or want to date them and I've been rejected. Like, those goes on. But it doesn't matter because at the end of the day, I spoke my truth. And all of this was part of my healing and growth journey. I think this is why the topic of authenticity is so hard for everybody to grasp because authenticity is about you not censoring yourself. It's about you being able to show up in your full self-expression, in your full power and not edit sensor silence or somehow be different because you're worried about how other people are going to react.

So in the example of telling somebody that I love you, if you are truly authentic and you're standing in your full authentic self, it would be authentic for you to tell somebody that you love them without any attachment to what they say back. Because it's not about you saying it in order to get the response, it's about you saying it, because that is what's true for you. You got it. And so I want to pivot because we've talked about belonging and we've talked about how to tell when you're in a situation where you're trying to fit in versus you truly belong. We've talked about that sort of activation that happens when you're in friendships or you're in a relationship

or in a work setting where you know you're fitting in, but you don't truly belong. But in order to get too belonging, we have to go through the personal journey of authenticity first. And one thing I'll mention here, because I get asked this all the time, in my interviews, Ruthie, isn't it unfair that I'm the one having to deal with horrible shit, like negative hates coming my way? People are being mean in equities, like sexism, racism, homophobia, like why do I have to plan out in advance? And I fear that. And in fact, in social justice circles, we call this the burden of the oppressed. It's like bad things are happening to me and then I have to prepare for them. And I fear that and I honor that.

for them. And I sheer that my honor that. And I would still say, I would rather us go into situations prepared to stand in our power. Why? Because this is what it looks like to claim belonging. And secondly and more importantly, it feels beautiful when we come out on the other side, having used our scripts and we did what we were planning on doing. And then the very last thing I'll mention here is because I do a lot of work on Ally ship too. We claim belonging for ourselves, but we also have to create belonging for others, especially in the last few years with the spotlight on, are you being an upstander or bystander? Like when things are happening around you where you're like, that's not right,

that's disrespectful. And we stand silently as we watch things happen around us. We can also plan in advance for those situations. We plan out what we're gonna say, the next time we hear something inappropriate. This is what I'm gonna say to myself, oh I shouldn't say it as a stranger. I can't say that to my family member at Sunday dinner because they're going to hate me and then I'll be like, no, here's what I'm going to say to myself when I start to shut down. Here's how I'm going to calm my body.

We picture the visualization of it so that other people at the table who are rightfully shut down because of inappropriate things being said, we can be an ally by using the same three steps. So these are the three must-do in advance of situations. I love this. So the second example that you gave is also very important, which is training yourself to be upstanding in those moments, which means to speak up when you see something going down that is racist or that's insulting or that is discriminatory or this just downright rude. You see somebody getting shut down. It might even be that somebody on your team is getting interrupted in a meeting. What you're saying is you use this exact same strategy to also coach yourself

to be more confident, visible, and vocal in those moments. Yes, because here is the thing, and Mal, I know this is going to resonate with you, and I hope for with everyone, we can't control other people's behaviors. We can never control anyone else. We can only control our own actions. And what matters more is not how someone responds to how we're behaving. What matters is that we behave in a way that's in alignment with our truth. If someone's uncomfortable with our truth, with our truth. If some, some comfortable with our truth, that is on them. What we need to deeply anchor to is that I did me.

In your first book, you identified the three different versions we have of ourself. And I love frameworks like this. Yes. So can you walk us through what are the three versions of ourselves and then we're going to take them one at a time? Got it. So it's called the three self-spray mark and I developed this framework based on my work and research because I was finding the people work in situations in the workplace and relationships where the service level

message was, B.E.U. I of course I want you to be authentic. Of course I want you to bring your whole true self to this experience. But in the very next breath, it would be like, do the behavior. Just kidding, don't actually be you. So it felt very complicated and confusing. It's the, how do I show up? So that's what led me to develop the model.

We all have the three selves and I'll take us quickly through the three selves and then we can dig deeper into each of them. Great. So the most important self of all is what I call the authentic self. Your authentic self is a self where if there were no negative consequences for your actions, this is how you would show up. This is how you would speak. This is how you would dress. These are the words you'd use. This is where the content you'd share. It's where you draw a line boundaries.

Yes, no, who you would love. It's for good, the bad, and the ugly of who we are. But because it's the true reflection of our core self, it feels the best to do. So that's the authentic self. Resonating? I love that. And I love the definition if there were no consequences.

How would you show up if there were no consequences? You're not getting arrested, you're not losing friends, you're not going to be embarrassed or ashamed by what you do. You just get to do you and there are no consequences. That is very clear. So I'm going to go to the other side of the continuum, which is the third self, which is the performing self. So I've talked a lot today with you about the performing self. The performing self is the self that feels like we don't have a choice, but to change who we are, mask aspects of our identity, cloak high in order to shield from bias and judgment.

It feels exhausting, humiliating, disrespected to do, but we feel like if I don't change my accent or anglicize the pronunciation of my name or hide my experiences with anxiety, depression, or not talk about being transgender or whatever whatever it is that we feel judged about or we feel ashamed of. We feel like we need to push it down. And of course it feels completely disempowering and exhausting and of course the message coming out of today is to really take a step back and think about around who are you performing? Like why is that happening? What are the judgments coming your way? And most importantly, scripting, self-coaching,

for those situations so we can push out of it. But that's the performing self, which I'm guessing mal-resonates given what we've talked about. Well, I think that every single one of us became the performing self in middle school. And we've been doing it ever since. 100%. And I would say until recently, I was the performing self in just about every aspect of my life. Because I felt like everything had a consequence. Everything was high stakes. So everything required me to anticipate what I needed to do and to perform as such in order to succeed or be accepted or get ahead or whatever. And so I think I would imagine based on your research, is that where most of us spend most of our time?

Absolutely. And for those of us who have come from cultural communities that have heightened judgment and bias coming our way, we spend most of our time there. This is the problem. But it's the adapted self, the self that lives in the middle, that we've never explored before in this way, and is a really powerful self.

You know what? Sprite a night, the meter's off, and I don't really feel like talking with my day job. So I'm just going to be more adaptive in this cocktail party. So you're adapted self as the self that says, all right, with who I hear you, I'm going to push out of performing as much as I can after today. But I look at my authentic self and I can't be authentic

100% of time because I want to keep my family. I don't want to go to jail, as you mentioned. What is my job? Yeah, I want to keep my job. I want to keep my spouse. What I like about what you're saying is this. You're offering something that is empowering and doable and realistic. There are times in your life where you have to freaking perform. Because for some of you, you are listening to this or watching this

in a part of the world where just being you could cause major harm to you because of your religion or who you love and where you live or what's going on. And so you performing a role is necessary. But what you're saying is that for so many people that performance has been reflexive, subconscious, it's been a trap, it's become part of your identity. And what you're saying is that when you become aware of those areas of your life where you are performing consciously, strategically, because it aligns with what you want in your life,

meaning you are adapting your true self in specific situations, because it serves you, not because you feel like there's something wrong with you. You are the one that is deciding that it serves me to adapt my authentic self. Normally, I would pick a fight with my parents. And today, I don't have the emotional energy for it. So I'm adapting to the situation consciously, strategically,

which means I don't compromise who I am. I'm just being smart about where I put my energy. Is that a fair, yes? You put your finger on it. So you're like ding, ding, ding. You're adapted self as a self that willingly, happily chooses to adjust your behaviors to meet your needs and the needs of others.

It's a choice, it's willing, it still feels good to do, it's still a manifestation of your authenticity, it meets your needs and the needs of others. And so it's still empowering to do. The difference between our adapted self and the performing self is how it feels. The adapting your behavior feels perfectly fine. It feels good to do. And let me give you a really quick example. I was once at a party with my sister and we're talking to people we had just met.

And they turned to me and they said, oh, so Rithu, what do you do for a living? And in that moment, I had a choice because I knew that if I said to them, I am a belonging expert. I speak on authenticity. I'm a professional speaker. I talk a lot about diversity equity inclusion.

I knew that if I said this, it would open up a full discussion and they want to unpack their stuff with me and get it, get it, get it. You know what? The meter's off and I don't really feel like talking with my day job. I'm exhausted. I just don't want to, I don't have the bandwidth for this. So I looked at them and I said, I'm in HR, which by the way is not a lie, although nothing kills a conversation more than telling someone you do HR for a living. I am in HR.

I speak to companies around the world about talent management. My sister looked at me afterwards and she said, why did you do that? Like, what was that about? And I said to her, it's true. I do HR for a living. My authentic self would have been to like, just give the full, and shalada, and dig deep,

and like get into the, but my adopted self said, no, not this moment, I'm going to adjust in that my needs, or my parents, for example, from Indian culture, really in direct. I'm super direct as a communicator. I adapt all the time because I know it will ruffle their feathers

and it serves me too. I don't want their feathers to be ruffled. So I do adapt a lot. On the other hand, sometimes I'm like, no, you need my directness. And you need my authentic self to shine here. Why? Because I need it. It's important for me to do. The important thing to take away with the three self-spray work is this. It's important for all of us to be mindful of what's happening in any situation, which of the selves is showing up. Try your best to push out of the performing self, adapt wherever you want to and need to, and then do your best to show up as the good side of your authentic self, bring your good, your best authentic self-side to interactions as much as possible.

What is one action that the person listening right now could do, now that they understand this three-part framework? So here's my takeaway question for you. What's one thing about yourself, one thing that you are currently fighting or masking or changing about yourself in your interactions, because you're fearing judgment, you worry that people take their love and acceptance away, that after today, you're going to start to share. So what's one thing about yourself,

that you want to be more authentic about, in all of your interactions. And that could be having people pronounce your name correctly. It could be talking about the fact that your LGBTQ, it could be talking about your childhood upbringing, it could be talking about your childhood upbringing, it could be talking about how unhappy you are, it could be telling someone you love them. What's one thing about yourself that you're gonna start

to share after today, that you've been hiding, what's one thing? Amazing. This was so fascinating and I just can't thank you enough. Oh bless, thank you so much, Mel, that means so much coming from you in particular, I'm a huge fan of your work. So, bless, thank you so much, Mel. That means so much coming from you in particular, I'm a huge fan of your work. So I am so grateful for your time and energy.

My pleasure, my pleasure. I cannot wait to hear what you do with this three-part framework because you know that all I want for you is for you to be your full self. And one more thing. I want to make sure that in case no one else tells you today that I tell you I love you

I believe in you and I believe in your ability to start accepting and loving yourself as you are as you're not and As you become the person you know you want to be all right. I'll talk to you in a few days Oh my God. Thank God you told me to hit record. We just recorded all that and I did not have the machine recording. Oh my God. To a bunch of executives in the supply chain injury, injury, injury, industry, what the fuck is going on? Okay. Okay. Woo! Take it for you then, yeah.

Oh. Oh, I know what it is. I haven't had my coffee boost today. Okay, here we go. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yep.

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I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Ditcher.