The Menstruality Podcast - 140. Cyclical Sex & How Cycle Awareness Deepens Intimacy (Alexa Bowditch)

Episode Date: April 4, 2024

Today we’re tackling two taboo topics at once. Firstly, sex - an area which many people find charged, challenging, confusing and sometimes shameful and we’re pairing it with menstrual cycle awareness - another topic so often shrouded in shame.Our guest and brilliant guide is Alexa Bowditch - the founder of sexandlove.co and a cycle aware woman who has a gift for welcoming people into their sexual expression so that sex can feel more safe, intimate, fulfilling and even epic. We look at the sex challenges that can arise in each inner season of the cycle, and how to work with them to cultivate more intimacy with yourself, and your lover and move towards the kind of sexual experiences you’re longing for. We start by exploring how Alexa’s personal journey to becoming a sex coach who is now widely known and celebrated as That Sex Chick - and how she’s actually having less sex now than ever before, largely due to her current pregnancy, and how she’s navigating this with her husband... We explore:How to have a variety of conversations about creating more intimacy with your lover - including actual scripts for sharing vulnerable longings.Ideas for approaching intimacy in inner autumn and winter, to support you to get your needs met (including how to move through shame if you’re someone who loves menstrual sex).How to use sex to heal and feel more safe, both with yourself and in partnership. ---Receive our free video training: Love Your Cycle, Discover the Power of Menstrual Cycle Awareness to Revolutionise Your Life - www.redschool.net/love---The Menstruality Podcast is hosted by Red School. We love hearing from you. To contact us, email [e-mail]---Social media:Red School: @redschool - https://www.instagram.com/red.schoolSophie Jane Hardy: @sophie.jane.hardy - https://www.instagram.com/sophie.jane.hardyAlexa Bowditch: @thatsexchick - https://www.instagram.com/thatsexchick

Welcome to the Menstruality Podcast, where we share inspiring conversations about the power of menstrual cycle awareness and conscious menopause. This podcast is brought to you by Red School, where we're training the menstruality leaders of the future. I'm your host, Sophie Jane Hardy, and I'll be joined often by Red School's founders, Alexandra and Sharni, as well as an inspiring group of pioneers, activists, changemakers and creatives to explore how you can unashamedly claim the power of the menstrual cycle to activate your unique form of leadership for yourself, your community and the world. Hey there, welcome back to the podcast. Thank you for tuning in today. We're actually tackling two taboo topics at once in this conversation. Firstly, sex, an area which

many people find charged, challenging, confusing and sometimes shameful and we're pairing it with menstrual cycle awareness, another topic that is all too often shrouded in shame and our guest and brilliant guide is Alexa Bodich, a cycle aware woman who has a real gift for welcoming people into their sexual expression so that sex can feel more safe, more intimate, more fulfilling, and as Alexa says, even more epic. We look at the sex challenges that can arise in each inner season of the menstrual cycle and how to work with them to cultivate more intimacy with yourself, with your lover, and to move towards the kind of sexual experiences you're longing for. There's also some scripts for actually trying to craft the experiences with your lover. We start by

exploring Alexa's personal journey to becoming a sex coach who is now widely known and celebrated as that sex chick but how as that sex chick she's actually having less sex now than ever before largely due to her current pregnancy and how she's navigating that challenge with her husband. So let's get started with Alexa. So Alexa thank you so much for making time for this today it's really good to be in conversation with you and I've got loads of questions around the cycle, sex, intimacy through the lens of the inner seasons but before we get into that I'd love to hear how you are and we usually do a cycle check-in but you're inside a very interesting cycle right now. I'd love to hear how you're doing. Yeah, yeah have, I'm at 25 weeks and four days pregnant,

I think is where I'm at. I could be off by a day, but only ever maybe a day or so. And I have 102 days left until my due date and pregnancy. So and how I'm doing changes every day. I was just saying before we started recording that, you know, just when I think that I've got it down with regards to pregnancy symptoms, it's like, psych, here you go. Here's another like strange, crazy, wild thing. Um, so sleep is challenging. Um, I have like all these weird aches and pains that only happen at certain times in the day uh and my newest fun symptom is leg cramps in the middle of the night so so yeah and I also love like I love like costuming and dress up and all these things. And I just have so much respect for any person who's grown or shrunk in size rapidly. Because a day ago, or this actually might have been yesterday, I tried to get ready

to go to dinner with my friends two weeks ago. This maternity dress that I bought larger than I would need didn't fit. And then I cried about how tight the shelf bra was as soon as I got in the car. So I think that answers your question. I couldn't fit in any single pair of shoes except some beach sandals. Yeah. What is it with the feet? feet yeah my feet went up a whole size yeah so like that's what I was like chatting with you before I'm like everything I thought I knew about who I was and my identity and how I expressed myself is like you're gonna be in sweatpants today

and you don't have a choice you know and you might cry about it. Okay. Surrender. Surrender. That's it. Yeah. I feel like everything I experienced in pregnancy prepared me for the surrender of motherhood. And I was just talking to Shani today actually about how cycle awareness can prepare us really well for motherhood because of the surrender that we get to experience as we yield into the inner winter. And yeah, boy, it's just one big surrender. That's what it feels like. I definitely post about it and I share it on social media and I share funny memes about pregnancy and they've kind of taken over.

It used to be a lot of funny memes about sex. Of course, there's the occasional meme these days about sex and pregnancy, which is comical. But it's, you know, the movie Dodgeball, where the guy is just like getting hit over and over again by the ball. And then it's like people say, you know, like everyone, pregnancy is so great. Enjoy the journey. And then and then it says the journey is just getting hit, like from all the sides with, you know, all these balls that you can't really dodge. And then I've had multiple people share with me, and then you become a mom, like, and then everyone like become a mom, it will be so lovely. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I mean, it'll be interesting to talk to you about surrender and sex and intimacy later. But just before we get into all those different questions, I'd love to hear a bit of your story around becoming that sex chick, how it began.

Yeah, it's funny because, you know, I'm that sex chick across all platforms for many years now as a sex educator, relationship and intimacy educator, mentor, coach, like whatever. I've found myself in lots of different titles and spaces. And at this point in my life, I am having the least amount of sex I've ever had. And boy, am I that like, I'm, if I wasn't familiar with it before, I'm definitely having a very embodied experience of how many different reasons someone could want to have sex or leverage sex or use sex in their lives. And so I always get a kind of a giggle and I'm like, well, I'm that sex chick and don't have as much sex these days for a variety of valid reasons. And it's definitely challenged, challenged me in some ways where my husband and I have to have those conversations where we remind each other that this is not forever and that this is temporary and there's cycles and seasons

and putting, and I think part of the consistent conversation, like part of what makes it all okay is that we have consistent check-ins and conversations, but where it started was not where we're at right now. So kind of the cliff notes version. I grew up in a very environment and Catholic religious upbringing. as a woman, as a young woman and a woman, what that was supposed to look like and was heavily influenced by a lot of boxes, the conservative box, the Catholic or religious box, deep South, small town, and understood my role as a young woman and how I would be valued and how I like what would be acceptable in relationships. I learned it all one way and then fought against it for a long time. So, you know, I grew up, I had the high school sweetheart. I like tried to do what I was

told and it never felt right. And I always felt like the baby of the family that was consistently rebelling, but also trying really hard to be good, whatever good, whatever I learned good to be. So at the same time with that kind of upbringing, I also had a mom, have a mom who's been married five times. So I got a lot of contradictory information and, uh, and I just promised myself when I was younger that I wouldn't do it like my mom. Cause I saw all these relationships, these failed relationships as failures. And, um, and she, you know, would probably even still admit today that she's one of those kinds of people like, Oh, that was all in the past. You turned out. Okay. Everything's okay. Now, you know, why would we dwell over there when

those things had significant impact? Um, and so she's definitely more open to that conversation now when I try to have a tour. So fast forward, um, I went to college, another small town in Mississippi, which is the state over from Louisiana and, um, continued trying to make my life mold into a way that really never fit. And so eventually I, I left my small town. Um, I joined cruise ships. I worked as a crew member for almost six years. Um, and like some people were like, how did you wind up on cruise ships? I studied forensic science. I was going to do something in the medical profession.

I was very much going to, you know, like A leads to B leads to C grad school was filling out the documents. Um, and then I fell in love on vacation with a crew member who was like, come travel the world with me and sell art. So I left everything, started studying art instead, which is the total opposite end of the spectrum. And then joined him without really knowing who he was. And so for about four years, we were in a relationship that was very tumultuous, but I was getting to see the world. So at 22, from 22 to 28, I was on ships. I was in a relationship that had, you know,

and I don't use these terms lightly at all. I was definitely a match for this relationship, but narcissistic tendencies, gaslighting, those kinds of things where I just stopped understanding what my actual reality was. But I also very much see how I was a match for it. Like I let a lot of those things happen and allowed for them to happen. Lying, cheating, betrayal is so, so much. I went through in that relationship. I had like some, I'd say at this point now, having actually gone through some, a significant reproductive trauma with the loss, with a pregnancy loss at it was, um, kind of coercion and

pressure with regards to birth control when I wasn't really having sex in that relationship. Um, and then felt pressured into getting an IUD and then mess with my cycle, wound up with, um, extremely large ovarian cysts had to have surgery. It was this whole thing. Like I, this relationship brought a lot as far as, you know, my identity and relationships and my sexuality and reproduction and all that left that, um, started studying personal development, diving into personal development because I felt like my world fell apart when that relationship fell apart. Um, also because I was hiding everything that was happening in my, I just wanted people to see that I was traveling the world and I had a really cool job and I was making money and I was doing my thing. Um, but I wanted to hide all of the deeper,

harder things. So when that fell apart, I had to put myself back together. So I dove into personal development and eventually made my way to sexual development. And those are some interesting stories where I just realized that all of the personal development I was doing with mindset and health, fitness, nutrition, and positive thinking, and that wasn't directly translating into my sex life. It wasn't a direct translate. Like I get on stage and I could have this powerful presence about me and I could communicate with people. And then as soon as I was in partnership or like sex was maybe an option with me and anyone I'd feel 14 again, I'd feel challenged by the

relationship that I'd just gotten out of. Can I trust myself? Who am I? What's happening here? And so I decided to dive there much deeper. And I'd always been fascinated by sex, bisexuality, my own sexuality, other people's sexuality, all that. And so that's where it started. And just like my curiosity just kept digging, digging, digging. Eventually Eventually I started writing and blogging. Eventually a community developed around some of the concepts and things that I was sharing. I scared everyone in my small town in Louisiana. Yeah, I bet you did. Now those people reach out to me frequently or relatively frequently with challenges with,

you know, because I think eventually I just, after they didn't understand what I was doing, then I became a safe place of understanding and openness and nonjudgment. So, you know, we started a podcast. We, you know, I say we now, because it's more than just me. My husband and I both operate my current business but it started as like a solo blogger podcaster coach and now it's um it's a group you know so I go out and I share stories and we grow community and those communities say oh we want you know I want help in this area or this area and I'm like great well we have myself and all these people that you can choose from to potentially work with. And so, so yeah, we have sex and love co now my husband does all the men's work and men's retreats and experiences. I hold down the women and the women's fort. And then we

have other professionals that work on with regards to a variety of the spectrum of sexual expression. Such a great storyteller. I'm just so captivated as you speak. And I'm out of breath because apparently I'm doubling my blood volume right now. So I've like won nothing but top, but I'm out of breath. I remember just walking for about 20 meters when I was pregnant and going, yeah, can't breathe now. What's going on here? Yeah. I mean, I feel like you've done something so rare, you are doing something so rare and so magical, really, that you take sex, which is so triggering, shame shrouded, difficult for people, and you have a gift to make it like, okay, safe, people in you know I see it in your podcasts and in your social media and in everything you're doing in sex and love co and it's so beautiful

you know it's so beautiful what you've done how would you describe the the vision then of what sex and co is for in the world I mean you it's changed over time, especially as we've embarked parenthood and, and what that journey is going to look like. And a few years ago, I would have said it's for sure going to look this way, you know, and then throw in becoming a mom. And I'm like, maybe it's going to look like this. But the mission is the same nonetheless. And the mission is to help make now, and I've, I've rephrased this and phrase this and rephrase it so many times, but like, you know, if you go on any of our website and any of that, it just says, we want to help people have epic adventurous sex and deeply fulfilling

relationships. And so that could be sex with themselves, sex with their partner. And those relationships can be anything from the romantic partnership. If they're dating, if they're married, their relationships at large. So we teach and coach and help people with friendships, with creating community, and then also their family of origin. So like I mentioned my mom and she's got some interesting stories as well, and we have an amazing relationship. So, um, and my husband also has an incredible relationship with all of his family and his family of origin. And he comes from a family where at times they didn't have enough, you know? And so, and I come from, you

know, my upbringing as we barely had it and maybe we almost didn't have it, but I didn't know it. And so for us to have the life, the community, the relationship, the sex, everything that we have, we have had to fight for it. Um, because, you know, we, we have other people that we grew up with siblings, other family members that haven't fought as hard that haven't made it their mission um and so we we weave those kinds of things into our general mission with sex and love co is that people come to us because they want better sex and they leave with a better life so it's it's the whole thing and we both strongly believe in um sexual development is personal development because you can only go so far in personal development before it's like hey you're totally ignoring something yeah I think a lot of people

would relate to what you said earlier like ah I was developing in all these other areas but it wasn't translating to my sex life but I was like hmm I'm listening I'm listening but also I my son is three and I also had that conversation with aid literally last night going do you know what this is a phase like if we're having sex once a month right now yay that once a month is great like it's really lovely and it's a phase and it might change you know hopefully it will change as we have more space like we know if we got to go away for the weekend and there was nothing to do and no laundry and no one to take care of we'd have great a great time together I know that sure and it's like as long as you're having conversation and you're

being real with one another in the process and then you're still creating intimacy as long as you're not going through the mundane and brushing things under the rug and not actually talking now I'm not saying you have to have great communication skills. You just need to be talking to each other about more than the logistics of life, you know? So it's like, Hey, I recognize. And I acknowledge we haven't been doing this thing. And I want you to know that I love you. And I'm aware if that's something you want more of, and I'm not available for this is temporary. And I apologize if your needs are not being met and I'm working on it and here's how I'm working on it. You know? So there's like, there's ways that, because otherwise sometimes if you're not having those kinds of conversations along the way,

or like just talking really heart to heart with each other, then you might go on the trip and it's awkward as hell because you've all this stuff in between you and the bed that you like, can't, it's like super awkward. And it might feel like I have to, you know, maybe force myself or like, what's getting not what's like, what's wrong with me. And like all that stuff comes up internally. But there's ways to mitigate that too. And like what you were saying between myself and, you know, the rest of the crew that I

work with, it's, we want to make what I just said, we want to put the light on it. And that's what we're, that's what we're bringing into relationships. That's what we're having with people. And we're trying really hard before people get to the place where they're like at their wit's end and like something has to give, we're trying to help them have, you know, hit all the steps before they ever get there. You know? So like when a breakup or a breakdown happens or an indiscretion happens, um, or a betrayal happens, there was thousands of opportunities and conversations that needed to

have had happened. You know, like some people are like, I'm blindsided. I didn't see it coming. You didn't see it coming because you were, you saw it and then you looked the other way and looked the other way. And so we try to be that in between. We're like, Hey, let's lay the steps out so that you can stay connected to yourself and stay connected in your partnerships um and like I think I was sharing with you too like sex is so much more than just gratification in the moment yeah I'm really excited to expand the definition of sex through this conversation because I can see from what you share that it's it's a very wide picture that you're exploring around intimacy, around pleasure, around openness, around knowing ourselves. Can I also just say that I love hearing your story because of the way your calling has unfolded through your life and taken you on lots of twists and turns that you might not expect.

Because we talk about calling and purpose a lot at Red School and how the menstrual cycle is helping to keep calling us back to to our purpose and we can often think that we're going off on a totally wrong direction but it's like your calling was calling you all the way through it wasn't it I have so much insight now sex and grief sex and law sex and death set like sex after all these things sex and pregnancy and very soon sex and post you know sex postpartum sex and motherhood toddlerhood sex and sleep deprivation I'm working on it all of you listening can you hurry up and get to the sex and toddlerhood because I need to hear about that yeah I you know before it's just like anecdotal I have a lot of friends I have worked with a lot of people and a lot of clients and I

can say at this point you know this is what I typically say for people in these various stages in life and then here I am like now I'm going through the embodied experiences of so many of the things that I've helped and I'm like oh man I have have so much respect for humaning and for womanhood. Like this is no joke and look what we can do. And it's so sad sometimes, you know, it's, it's everything. Yeah. It is everything. I wonder if we can start with inner winter, with menstruation and sex and intimacy at this point of the cycle or looking through this lens. There was a video that you shared about awakening divine feminine energy, which was really beautiful. And you shared, you know, we're not designed to be building and growing and being active all the time we need to let go we need to rest we need to soften we need to soothe our nervous systems and you spoke about which I love breaking up your day with a bath as like just a

way it's not even a little way it would be a big deal for me to do that and I should do it more but as a way to just go oh life I'm gonna I'm gonna rest now I'm gonna stop now and yeah I guess I'm curious to hear it might be interesting for you to hark back to this because yeah you haven't been cycling for a while um but how yeah your experience of sex in inner winter and your experience of intimacy in inner winter and how your connection sort of changes at that point in the cycle or connection sort of changes at that point in the cycle or can change for us at that point in the cycle um so Jordan and I my husband Jordan and I prior to pregnancy and even in the you know the the window of actually trying for the first time in our lives to have sex in order to conceive um he tracks my cycle with me. And so he doesn't track it diligently. He listens when I speak

about it and which is awesome. So we have something called a relationship check-in. We do it ideally once a week and we talk about everything from the logistics of our lives. So, you know, the week ahead, what's going on, where our obligations work, et cetera. And then we also talk about part of the list on the list is adventures. We might want to have different kinds of movement we might want to do together. But then also, where am I at in my cycle and how are we feeling about sex? So it's important. So I preface all of the questions that you're about to ask me about the different seasons by, uh, underlying and underscoring how important it is

to speak with your partner. And if, of course, if you're listening to this show, I imagine that if you have a cycle, you're tracking it on some level or charting it on some level, you're involved in it on some level. And so, you know, I was down to specifics, basal body temperature, cervical mucus, like, what was my other form? The different apps flow, all of that. So to make sure that I was like really in and they all, they all matched up and they all synced up. And so he could also trust me. So in the windows, when we were trying not to be pregnant, he could see this is, you know, which took him a while. Cause at first, when we first got together, he just thought any sex at any time is going to lead to a baby because that

was the messaging he got as a young man is to be afraid of this. And so we, he, I had to essentially like really encourage him to trust me and to trust my cycle. Um, and when we first got together, I had an IUD to remove that about six months into our relationship. And then we were really in it together and learning to trust it and be with it. So, um, so when it, when it would get close to bleeding or around when menstruation would happen, you know, usually the pressure for sex is completely off the table. I mean, it's off the, the, the pressure for it is off regardless, but there's an assumption it's not going to happen. So sex itself, penetrative penis, vagina sex is not going to happen, but that

doesn't mean that I don't want some level of sensual, maybe even sexual, but mostly probably sensual, um, comforting intimacy. And there are times when I have felt more like I want to be cared for and more like I want to be left alone. And so he could never guess because sometimes I want one. And then sometimes I want the other, and it's my responsibility to share that information with him. So we would do these check-ins and that would be my opportunity to share, to say where I might need space. I might need something extra for him to do. I could share that. I'm not interested in weightlifting. I'm not interested in doing things that are more push, push, I could share that I'm not interested in weightlifting. I'm not interested in doing things that are more push, push, push, and that I'm more interested in

slowing everything down. And sometimes, you know, that's the time when I've been like, probably luteal is more than the menstruation where I've been a little bit, or like, I don't want to take any shit anymore. Or I'm just like any flaw in the system. I'm like, this needs to get fixed this, you know, menstruation is more like I'm just winding down and moving a bit slower. Um, and so I think that that answers your questions with regards to like sex and intimacy for us anyway. Now, if we, if I have clients that actually enjoy sex, whether that's orgasms or penetrative sex during their menstruation, because everyone's different, maybe orgasms help to alleviate cramping. Maybe it helps with back cramps. Maybe

that helps them to like feel more in their body. Maybe they really enjoy sex while they're bleeding. So, you know, and if that's the case, then sometimes there's shame that comes with that. Sometimes like their partner's unsure if it's safe or if it's okay. So, you know, I have information that, that can help bring couples together with regards to sex in that time window of their um each month so yeah I was thinking about that the shame I don't love sex at that time either mainly because intimacy with myself calls me more but I was imagining there might be some people who really enjoy it maybe like the wild sensuality and I did want to ask you if someone is experiencing shame I mean this goes for any

phase of the cycle but maybe we can just look at it through this lens shame about a desire that is that seems taboo to them or seems like there's something wrong with it, or there's just a lot of stigma around it, how to begin to communicate about that with a partner? Yeah. I mean, things that feel on the edge for kink, you know, like they're a little kinky, a little taboo. Yeah. So something that I skipped over and talking about like my story and all that is that one of the BDSM and kink opened me up so much to the realm of possibility when it comes to sexual expression and how someone can develop and heal through sex. And so when I think about if they have some shame or something's a little edgy or a little taboo and they might want to try something. So it's different with regards to if someone is harboring shame and they need to process

it themselves, they might not necessarily want to do the thing that they're turned on by or that they're interested in. They might not be ready to do it yet, but they want to come to terms with the fact that they're even interested in it is one thing. And that's something that they can work on on their own. Then if it's, I want to do something with sex while I'm bleeding or just whatever that looks like taboo thing, insert taboo thing. And their partner, if they're like, Hey, do you want to have sex where you like take my blood and like paint my body with it? You know? And then their partner is like, excuse me, you know, so it's or drink it

or make a face mask out of it or play with it or just like whatever. Now that could be any bodily fluid because people that usually are into fluid, they're into all of them, whether that be spit or come from either location or in any of them. So so I'll just extrapolate and use this as an example, but if there's some level of shame or taboo, consider the thing that you might want to do on a number scale. And that thing is a 10 and your partner is not ready for 10. You're maybe not even ready for 10, but through conversation, you realize you're not ready for 10. You're maybe not even ready for 10. But through conversation, you realize you're maybe ready for on that scale, a two or a three. So what does it look like if you took that and put that at 10 and then made it a little

less, a little less, a little less, and you kind of titrate it down until you're at maybe two, three, and then potentially start there. And if two, three is maybe you have normal sex, that's like what your partner understands. And you just tell a story while you're having sex that could involve something at like a seven or an eight on that scale, as an example, or 10, then it's not actually happening, but you can kind of regulate your nervous system while the mind recalls that and your imagination brings that forward. So that's just one little example where you don't have to just jump in and then understand that if your partner is a no, it's not a no to you. There's other stuff that's coming up for them that they might say, how could you want to

do this? This is so dirty. What? And then it's like, what does this mean about you? That means about me, you know, like it has this weird, interesting projection kind of cycle that it's like, what could this mean about me? And for some people that's really scary. And a lot of times for men, I would say I've found specifically, especially if they're not, if they don't necessarily identify as kinky or not really

into taboo stuff, they mostly just like normal, regular, sexy sex, penis, vagina, like it just straightforward. The idea that their partner could want something quote unquote over the top challenges their sexuality. And I'd say on some level, their manhood and will often have them feel insecure. And so if you could just understand that that is potentially present, and then that's more of more layered conversation that ultimately you share the thing. And then if you can, if you can, if you make sure that you show up from a heart centered place with love at the crux of whatever you're discussing and the desire for closer to be closer together in intimacy you can't lose you will be drawn

closer together even if you don't actually have the kind of sex that you're nervous to talk about it's building the intimacy no matter what yeah thank you that's so beautiful and so just normalizing thank you and healing I think for people it's bringing it bringing things out of the shadows so good could you just define BDSM for people who don't know what that means sure yeah BDSM is a four-letter acronym that stands for bondage dominance discipline sadism submission and masochism you know what actually i'll just throw this last piece in there uh well probably won't be a last piece but i'll throw this piece in there for anyone that's like oh what is all that um so the way that i describe it because i introduced bdsm

to a lot of let's say vanilla regular normal run-of-the-mill couples and um i think bdsm and kink is a bit of a bad rep because it looks like a certain thing from the outside looking in, but when you're actually in it, uh, there's other things going on. So, but some people won't even touch it or try it or be open to it because of the way that it looks and how culture has, um, shaped what's going on there. And so I think what winds up helping people sometimes is to know that some people live kinky lives. They live like their identity in the world is wrapped. Their sexuality is so wrapped up in it that they're a little bit more on the extreme edge of expression for BDSM and kink. And then there's people like, I would say my husband and I, but I have a bit of, you

know, I'd say a kinky side to me that I developed before I got with my husband. And what's the difference is I don't need that to feel complete in myself and in my identity. Maybe at times I feel longing and like I miss it when I haven't experienced it in a while. And I know that I really enjoy it, but we leverage BDSM topics, like things within the umbrella in our normal life. At times when we want to spice things up for lack of a better term. So like there's bedroom bondage and bedroom kink where it's we're just playing with these elements and then there's the people that need it and live by it and it's incorporated in who they are

so I like to just kind of like zoom out a little bit and say that this doesn't have to be this like leather clad domineering dominatrix whips and chains dungeon like you know i live in a cul-de-sac in west texas so chances are very high that there's a normal person you know couple that's in this neighborhood around me that's also into getting a little kinky or a little weird on the weekends just before we move on to exploring intimacy in the inner spring of the cycle we have a special offer that's connected to the spring of your cycling years it's an invitation to join our menarche course which is designed to help you reimagine your experience of your first periods as a way to reclaiming and reigniting your power. Hundreds,

possibly thousands by now at this point in our community have experienced this course and really say a lot about the power of it and how it supports them in multiple ways in their lives. It's self-paced, it includes your very own menarche ritual pack, guided visualizations, exercises, worksheets, everything you need to go through this process. I would actually like to offer you 50% off the Menarche course before April the 11th using the code SPRING50. You can find the course at slash redschool.net slash menarche that's checkout slash redschool.net slash menarche or email us at info at redschool.net and we'll send you the link okay back to the conversation with alexa so in a in a spring next i think people have a wide range of experience obviously of every phase

of the cycle um where I was where I feel moved to go within a spring is the kind of tenderness that can happen there but I know for a lot of people there's also just a big rising energy and like a surge of a surge of energy and um outer focus but for those who are thinking about approaching sex and sexuality and feeling tender in inner spring um i wondered if we could speak a little bit about sex as a tool for healing you again there's another video which i'll link to in the show notes from your instagram as like using sex as a way to feel safe to create more safety in our bodies big topic but could you walk us into that a little I mean the first thing that comes up when I hear you say that even though I know I've spoken about it somewhere publicly but when I hear you say that

isn't it it brings up the opportunity that someone has with regards to exploring and expressing their own sexuality with themselves. So I'm sure you can do, you can absolutely do all of this partnered, but if there's a tenderness and there's maybe emotion that wants to come up, it's so beautiful to do that with a partner. And I think that a lot of women have a missed opportunity to do that with a partner. And I think that a lot of women have a missed opportunity to do that with themselves, you know, where it's, um, if there's a tenderness and a sweetness, um, then there's an opportunity for, I think someone to guide themselves through a practice or guide themselves through an experience where they, um, simply allow whatever's inside to come up, to come through, to blossom in some way. And so, you know, if you've ever experienced or heard of someone like having sex with a partner

and then they just start crying, you know, after orgasm, like a crygasm, something like that. So, you know, some people I know experience that within, within partnership and sometimes it's so what happened, what's wrong, what's happened, you know, like what's happening. And it's like, but there's nothing really there. It just wells up sometimes. And, um, and I think it's sweet to yes, do that in partnership, but then also create an environment where you can lean into the tenderness by yourself. And it's, and it's interesting because some people that I have, some people I know and that I've worked with have a more challenging time and it almost feels more, more vulnerable

to have sex with themselves or to put themselves in a sexual situation than it feels to be in a sexual situation than it feels to be in a sexual situation with their partner. And to that, I usually dig and ask some questions that lead to, because sex with a partner is more performative, they can, they have an objective. And when you're with yourself and by yourself, you can't hide from yourself. So if it's hard and you can't relax and you can't get out of your head and all of that's important information for you to do something with, you know, if you want to run from yourself, no one's witnessing you, no one's looking at you, no one's in the room with you and you still want to turn the lights off, want to change things around, you know, and so it's you, if you can't hide from yourself and you recognize these certain behaviors, then those are things that you can work on and work with within yourself. So if that's present when you're by yourself, imagine what's present whenever you bring a partner in as well. So, and then if you also wind up welling up with emotion and you cry and you do all these

things and you wail, maybe you're a little bit more experienced in expressing yourself. Then you can go from like laughing to crying and orgasming and touching and feeling yourself and then holding yourself, you know? So that's just what comes up when you say the tender stuff. So that's so beautiful. I feel like you, part of your calling must really be to be like a permission giver and a door opener and a way shower you know I feel there's a kind of liberated feeling in me just to hear you describe that yeah I could I can hold myself I can be laughing I can be orgasming I could be crying and all of it with myself you know that's not an experience I have in my life and why not you know how beautiful right some people hear that and are like oh no I could

never which is great information for you to know yeah you could never why you could never what what is the meaning that you give like what do you make that mean about yourself what do you make that mean about others where is the shame being directed is it actually outward or is it inward and then what do you want to do with that are you happy to have that just hang around there stopping you from things in life or is it worth doing something about and if it's worth doing something about what are you willing to do and if you say anything what's actually anything and if you're not can you surrender to not you know I'm down for liberation in either direction yes yes beautiful okay in a summer

what I was feeling into here was a lot of people feel more sexy just naturally or like sometimes I just feel myself walking down the street and going yeah like I'm feeling myself more um you know it can be a time of that and then I know a lot of people in our community find in a summer exposing so much light so much light, so much energy, it can be dazzling. And I wanted to ask you about people who, I know we've spoken about this a bit already, but people who are struggling to connect with their body, who feel like shut down in their sexual expression, some gentle ways to begin exploring opening, like little beginner steps um this podcast is one yeah

yeah like i said the spectrum the um or not the spectrum the uh scale the number scale yeah things you see on tv and social media and your friendships, if what they're doing or what you're seeing is a 10 for you, and you want to move in that direction, maybe, possibly, then what's something a little less than that or a lot less than that? So when you know, when people start to work with, with me and our various containers, you know, I have an ongoing women's group called love leader, and it's about women taking responsibility for intimacy, relationship, and love in their life and sex in their life because we're built for it as the feminine creature and the feminine counterpart

to a masculine counterpart, not saying that we don't have, you know, both of those energies. I'm definitely one of those people that runs more of one than the other and has had to learn how to soften and how to surrender and how to lose control and let go and all those things. And so I actually often wind up attracting a lot of quote unquote alpha women or strong women or to me because I grew up, even though my mom's married five times, I grew up mostly with a single military mother. So she retired as a senior master sergeant in the Air Force. And so two or three of my stepdads, she was their boss. So like I learned strong woman. Wow, that's an imprint to come into her oh yeah oh yeah but then I also learned from my upbringing going to catholic school and all of that that

like women were supposed to be submissive yeah and subservient so confusing so like what do I do because one of them feels really powerful in the world. And the other one feels better in my body. So the other one, I actually like one of them, I'm, I'm, when I'm running a lot of masculine go push energy and, you know, when I'm doing it at any time in my cycle, like I think back in the past, then the world applauds me, the world validates me and I get tangible physical things. But then when I'm like that in my relationship and my partnership, my heart is breaking. And so is my relationship. It's falling apart and it makes everything hard. And then when I soften and I'm vulnerable and I'm empathetic

and I'm in my heart space and my relationship, I enjoy my existence more. So like these things are opposed. So there's, like I was saying before, like seasons and cycles for it all. Cause I've been like, you know, bad-ass business owner extraordinaire at times, which is kind of just silly to say. And then there've been times where I'm like, I'm in the void, liminal space, God universe teach me, you know, cause I can't act like, don't actually know which way is up. So I have to surrender. But anyway, um, you know, back to your question about summer and people who feel a little bit kind of challenged by about expressing then it's, uh, so I have, you know, someone who's in my group now that just had, she realized while

we've been working together several months in what she thought wasn't orgasm wasn't, and she's never had one. And to be on a child, number three, working on child, number three, married for over a decade. That's a hard reality to come to. Do you mean I've been missing out? I've been faking it. I've been lying to myself. I've been confused, opening up to a partner at 35, 36 years old saying, I've been your wife for X amount of time and I've never had an orgasm with you. And I actually think I just had my first one last week because of an exercise my coach gave to me. Oh yeah. You know,

ouch. What do I make this mean about me? What do I make this mean about you? So, um, you know, just that consistent exposure and then the little light bulbs go off. And then it's that conversation that's been being brushed under the rug over and over again, actually comes to the forefront. And usually for people, it's more than just that one combo. It's many, many men, all the ones you didn't have. So, um, and then after that, I started encouraging people to actually bring it into their physical, tangible world. So they go to a sex shop. Oh no, that's so scary. Uh, you know, and maybe they don't even like anything and they don't buy anything, but they just go in and they just experience what going into a place like that can bring up for

them. Now I have certain requirements before I go into a place like that can bring up for them. Now I have certain requirements before I go into a place. Like I'm not going to go into just, you know, an adult megaplex. So you just go to a place that actually has a good feeling that educators are running the show. Yes. Yes. So go do those things, go to workshops, but like take your baby steps. Yeah. That's the shy summer. Now, for those of you that like know your summer and like feel yourself in your summer, like wear the outfit, do the thing, go to the party, put the lipstick on, wear the heels,

you know, and if you're partnered with a, you know, someone who is like, whoa, what is all this? Like you were not like this last week, then you need to do a relationship check-in and say, hon, next week is summer. And I want you to prepare yourself for it. So when it's my fall, I want you to do for me when it's my summer I want to do for you you know you have more give you have more output you have more energy um so throw in a little on that side of the spectrum too I love that okay so inner autumn pre-menstruum crunchy time difficult time exciting time wild time all all the things the whole spectrum um yeah what's your experience of sex in inner autumn what do you love what do you find difficult you know I've had people you know women are so interesting menstruators are so interesting um and then of course like people who are done with menstruating and then are in menopause and in the latter that the theory is, it has to do with,

you know, ovulating. And if they were to get pregnant, is the partner going to be able to withstand? Is the partner going to be able to like, are they going to stick around? Just kind of combat you to make sure that you stay. It's really, you know, and I don't know the truth in that, but for others, they feel more irritable. Like that's sassy and bratty on some level I'd say, but then in, when it comes to inner autumn or inner fall, that feels more like button pushing irritable to me, which is like, what needs, what's not working here? What's not working here? What not working here what needs to fall away what needs to what do we need to clear in order to make space so um I would say that my personal

inner autumn feels the most mystical in some way um and mystical mysterious spiritual like I feel like I'm connected to my inner witch wisdom um and maybe other people feel that for different seasons but that's the one that feels a little more moody a little more edgy I feel a little bit more connected to the darkness um you know and there's there's like an edge that's present to that that I don't feel when menstruation is happening. So menstruation, I'm a little gooier, a little softer, a little more like supple, not supple in some way, like imaginal, like I'm in this in-between space. Um, but the fall is like, I'm here to fuck shit up, you know, like here, you hear you, everyone get on your knees and listen to what I've got to say, you know, you over there. Um, and so, you know, maybe a little bit bossy, maybe a little bit

irritated, irritable, that kind of thing. And, you know, there's ways to leverage that energy and ways to play with that energy. And, and, uh, if you get your partner involved, like my partner has been involved, um, then it doesn't have to be something you dread. I think, um, because I spent a lot of my life dreading mostly fall and winter, but mostly fall spent my life dreading fall. Can we just get through, um, this window of time? Because this is the, this is the time when I'm the least agreeable and it's uncomfortable inside my own body. Like, why can't I just like stuff and be calm? And like, can I just get to, can I just get to spring and summer again? You know, like, when can we just skip this part? Then I find myself wishing half my month away, which isn't fair. And if anyone listening is like me,

I'm one of the lucky handful that has a shorter length cycle. So I was a 26 there. So I would ovulate day 11 and then I'd be in my luteal phase, the out of any season so fall was the longest and so I'd have a relatively quick follicular relatively quick you know ovulatory like window of time and then from day 11 12 all the way until I'd I'd you know so I'm like a full two weeks of this one um so this was definitely challenging this window learning to love this window and then learning to embrace um pleasure and sex as well so this would probably be the the time when I would leverage the so we have a handful of things in our, in our repertoire and our bag of tricks. One of them being a massage table that, that my husband and I bought, you can get, you know, a good one that's a hundred to $200 on Amazon. It can arrive tomorrow. Um, and that would be

the time when I feel, I might feel irritated, crunchy, that kind of thing, but grounding touch would help. And so my husband would often just say, go lay on the table. And so in our relationship check-in, I might say fall is this, this week and you would go great. I'm going to plan a queen worship. So he'll just like set the scene and it's just go lay on the table and let's, you know, and I'm just going to touch, give you the touch that you want. And if I'm having a hard time even saying what I want, then he's like, and I'm just going to get started and we'll course correct from there. You know, like, I'm just going to touch you where you've enjoyed it in the past. You can fight me, but I'm just going to start here at your shoulders, you know, and then I'll check in. And usually within a few minutes, like the stuff that's just been bubbling under the surface, I let it go. And so I think, I think that that window of time is

probably if I wanted to tack on like a type of sex or a type of expression, more sensual, deep moody colors, the red lights are on, there's a certain kind of sultriness to the music choices um so it kind of it just resembles fall in a lot of ways and that's the preference you know versus summer is like in the kitchen and like pop music's on you know or like edm's on in the living room and it's you you know, it's just totally different. I'd love to hear your like playlists for sex in the different seasons. That would be great. Thank you so much, Alexa, for inviting us into your world and for sharing so many beautiful ideas and yeah, just ways that we can open around this. I really, really appreciate it. If people want to connect with you, what's the best way to do that?

Instagram is great at that sex check but then we also have you know all of our products and services and things at sex and love.co so if you're in the states or anywhere in the world and want to come to an event we have events you know kind of ongoing i'm about to take a break uh for some obvious reasons but my husband is still going strong with his men's work um And then we have so many things available, you know, at the click of a button, which is kind of cool, you know, about being an entrepreneur these days, but a love leader is ongoing with my ladies. And then we also have, you know, people who really want to do this work and make a career out of it and, and build in the world, sex education, feminine embodiment cycle, whatever it is. And they want to bring it online or they

want to bring it into their communities and potentially make a career out of it. We're, I'm not sure when this episode is going to go out, but at any given time, there's a handful of times in the year when we have cohorts where we bring people into like our behind the scenes world. Like what does our business actually look like? And how do we make a business doing this kind of work in the world? So depending on when this is released, we might be sharing information about that. So those are always cool for anyone who's interested in that just reach out at that sex check awesome thank you so much good luck with the rest of the pregnancy with your birth and beyond yeah good luck i'll be thinking of you and thank you again

so much for today thanks alexa thank you for being here all the way to the end of this conversation we hope it was inspiring for you thank you for being part of the community gathered around this podcast and this work please please share this episode with a friend who you think might be inspired or supported by it and I look forward to being with you again next week and until then keep living life according to your own brilliant rhythm.