The Menstruality Podcast - 74. Why is it So Hard to Rest At Menstruation & Menopause? (Alexandra & Sjanie)

Episode Date: February 9, 2023

Menstruation and menopause awaken us to our deep selves, but to do that, they ask that we pull away from the world, stop and rest. The trouble is that rest can be a great challenge for most if us given the momentum at work in our world today. If you struggle to ‘just let go’ and rest when you bleed, or during the unfolding of your menopause process, this episode is for you. We explore:How our inner critics get in the way of rest (come to our Harness Your Inner Critic workshop on Feb 14th if you need support with this). There are inner barriers to rest, and there are also cultural, systemic barriers, particularly for marginalised communities; including people of colour, the LGBTQ+ community, and people living with a disability.Three powers of menstruality that can help us to get more rest: interoception and the art of restedness, and making small shifts. Join the waiting list for our 2023 Menstruality Leadership Programme - you can apply here: www.menstrualityleadership.com---The Menstruality Podcast is hosted by Red School. We love hearing from you. To contact us, email [e-mail]---Social media:Red School: @redschool - https://www.instagram.com/red.school

Welcome to the Menstruality Podcast, where we share inspiring conversations about the power of menstrual cycle awareness and conscious menopause. This podcast is brought to you by Red School, where we're training the menstruality leaders of the future. I'm your host, Sophie Jane Hardy, and I'll be joined often by Red School's founders, Alexandra and Sharni, as well as an inspiring group of pioneers, activists, changemakers and creatives to explore how you can unashamedly claim the power of the menstrual cycle to activate your unique form of leadership for yourself, your community and the world. Hey, how's it going? Welcome back to the podcast. Thanks for joining us. Today is my second inner winter conversation with Alexander and Sharni and we're talking about rest. This thing that basically all of us want way more of and the thing that can be

so elusive. We chat about how menstruation and menopause both awaken us to our deep selves but to do that they ask that we step away from the world for a while to stop and rest. And the trouble is that rest can be a great challenge for most of us, given the momentum at work in our world today. So if you struggle to quote unquote, just let go and rest when you bleed or during the unfolding of your menopause process, then this episode is for you. We look at how our inner critics get in the way of rest and if you notice your inner critic being very loud when it comes to you slowing down, then we recommend you come to our Harness Your Inner Critic workshop on February the 14th if you need to get some support with this. We look at how there are inner barriers

to rest but also cultural systemic barriers to rest particularly for people in marginalized communities and alexandra and shani walk us through three through three powers of menstruality that can help us to get more rest interoception the art of restedness and making small shifts. Good morning Sharni and Alexandra and Alexandra I want to sing to you, you just had your birthday, happy birthday. How are you feeling at the beginning of this new decade? I'm actually feeling terrific.

And I've decided that, you know, it isn't just the day of the birthday. So I had an amazing day yesterday. I got, I mean, it was so, what was it? There was so much goodness and love and, you know, being seen and, you know, all those lovely things one wants. It was profound. And I felt so blessed, so blessed. I'm in the afterglow of that. And I've decided that really, you know, birthdays always feel magical, you know, have a magical energy around them. And I've decided to extend the birth i think i

reckon you need it's like a week really you know being in the afterglow i mean you know so i'm going to maintain this week actually shani and i were talking about it we talked about this sort of 40 day period i think yeah yeah yeah 40 days and days. Because I'm stepping into a new decade and I think I need time for my psyche to navigate that. So what I'm talking about really is just sort of being in this rather charged, expanded reality at the moment, more than usual. That's such a good example, Alexandra, of small shifts.

You went from my birthday is one day to, hey, let me make it seven days. Oh, 40 days. 40 days. That's not good. A 40-day birthday. Well, I'm going to come to your house this weekend. So I'm definitely up for 40 days of celebrating. I'm keeping the portals open for 40 days because this is, you know,

this is going to be a freaking good decade you know it feels it absolutely does feel good i'm not worried and where's the moon at the moon is is waxing is it full moon on saturday yes yes yeah it's getting there and shani you're on day 25 how's that reminding me about the moon actually that adds a bit more understanding for me yeah day 25 I was I was noticing how I was doing this morning it wasn't hard to not notice I imagine I feel a bit like what I imagine it would be like to be in the sort of first shockwaves of an earthquake or the early tremors. I've never experienced an earthquake, but

it's that sense of like the rumble, suddenly realizing the ground's unstable and like a question mark about what might happen next like no knowing what might happen but in knowing that something is happening and uh and it's almost like will the ground open up and swallow me up or or will the heavens open me up and might I ascend? You know, it could go either fucking way. And I'm in the cliffhanger awaiting my fate. Heaven or hell. Basically, yeah, my nervous system is very thin today. And I'm very void-y. Do you get a sense of when your bleed might be coming?

I would give myself maximum two days. And what does it look like, your next few days? Is there going to be space for you? I mean, only that I need to live up to Alexandra's 40-day party plan. Oh, yes. I'm travelling to her house this afternoon so you know I would have to keep up with her that's party animal pope so we call her no I have to say actually I love bleeding when I'm with Alexandra because of the it's so good to be with somebody who gets what the place you're in you know I feel so held

by that and uh so I quite enjoy and then also she looks after me when I'm at her house she cooks for me and does all the dishes so it's sort of like my little retreat really so I'm pretty well set up Sophie for this bleed yes that's so good to hear I did a cycle check-in already earlier because I had a meeting with Ruby May who's our new community leader everything at Red School and it was so good to start our meeting with a really deep cycle check-in together. And with her, I was tracking that because I'm day 19, I've still got a lot of summertime wind behind my sails. I've got a lot of physical energy, but I also have a good critical voice coming in. That's not actually turning on me right now.

It's just criticizing the world namely why have I been looking after a child and a dog by myself for 24 hours why don't we live in villages why the fuck don't we live in villages this is not how it's supposed to be so I'm appreciating my inner critic delivering that message yeah yeah it's good so today this is really the part two of our conversation about inner winter and the power of inner winter and in our last episode we looked at the power and the beauty and the love and the belonging and just the goodness that is there the pot of gold that is waiting for us at menstruation if we can just let go and rest if we can just let go and rest and what we're going to look at today is nice to be you not a print of word why why we can't do that Why it's so hard to stop? Why it's so hard to just let go and rest?

I'm thinking this is also true for menopause. I just want to add that there's gold waiting in menopause. If only we had the space and the capacity to completely let go and drop. So what was I just feeling there? Just give me a moment. Oh, yeah. So there's this pot of gold waiting for us, and there is menstruation and menopause

ask just one thing of us. It's like the one thing they ask is that we drop our agendas we drop our momentum we drop everything and we step away for a little while and just let go that's the only thing they ask of us and if we can do, they're like ready to pile it on, to let the goodness in. I think a good place for us to start answering that question is to say this isn't a one and done thing.

This is a spiritual practice, which means it's ongoing and it's lifelong and it gets deeper and deeper as we go. And there are so many multiple layers to this. And what I like about remembering that is it means that none of us are getting it wrong. We're all just on the path. We're all just meeting our next edge. And after this edge, we'll meet the next edge and the next stage and the next edge. And I think that's actually really significant is that the quest to rest brings us to our edges. It's really significant because I noticed when you were describing it, Alexandra, as you were saying all that's asked of us, I started to feel first nervous. And then I started to feel this cold this icy cold fear in my system and I know I know because we've spoken with so many people about this and I know

from my own experience that fear is really real it's a really real edge that we all come to at some point on our journey of discovering rest or stopping or letting go or surrender. So Shani, what is that, the fear? Yes, the fear. You know, I could dream into it for myself. And what I would say is, if anyone listening does experience fear, that it's a really important place to stop, you know, just before the fear or on the edges of the fear i mean this is something we at red school feel very very strongly about we're not into

hurting ourselves to put it bluntly but we're not into overriding or pushing through or braving our way we're really into building more and more sensitivity to ourselves and more and more connection to ourselves so if you notice fear it's really important that you slow down around the edges of it so that you can actually feel what the fear is saying to you oh gosh i'm really feeling this and it's like we're negotiating with something because what i hear you doing shani is you are allowing yourself to feel more of what's happening inside yourself it's more than just rest we're articulating here it isn't just i'm bloody well gonna stop now and drop and drop. And you're still kind of tense. It's almost like in this pacing, you know, the feelings that are at the edge,

you're sort of coming into your system and in a way subtly soothing yourself. And it's actually helping you to drop. That's exactly right so the edge that comes up whether it's fear it could be grief that you come up against could be any number of things what you're saying Alexandra is that that edge if you pace it in other words if you don't try and override it and if you pay attention to it it allows you to sort of acclimatize allows your nervous system to sort of settle down and allows you to actually soften into yourself rather than bracing and overriding and armoring yourself from your own vulnerability. I think what we're sort of unfolding here, Sophie, is the thing that's present for me is that there's so much momentum

in our lives today that, you know, the world is moving so fast. And when we say, yeah, you've just got to stop, just, but that move is so monumental when we're moving at such speed. It's almost impossible. I want to say we almost need speed bumps to slow us down. Yes, it's like, yeah, we need these speed bumps, which interestingly you kind of get. I was just thinking that in my inner autumn,

that's exactly like suddenly I'm like, shit, I'm driving my car too fast. Who have I just offended? In my inner autumn, that's exactly like suddenly I'm like, shit, I'm driving my car too fast. And ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum. Who have I just offended? What have I just done? What have I just said? Yeah. You've got to slow down because we can't just switch off that momentum. And I just want to add one other thing,

which I think we will come back to later, which is you've got to have resources around you to be able to slow down you know but if you're single parent mom if you're not resourced it's also hard to actually be able to have to take the spaciousness the inner spaciousness to to notice what's happening and to and to you've got to make a real choice, haven't you, Shani, to feel what you're feeling. So it's like, yes, you're negotiating your way in. Because the thing I was feeling into there about the momentum is the momentum is very deadening. Yeah. So if you just sort of lie down, your system just won't know what to do.

It won't feel like rest. It won't feel like rest because your inner being is still, even though you physically stopped your body, your inner being is still racing ahead with thoughts, whatever it is. So, yes, really pacing in the way Shani's just been describing, her interior state and noticing the feelings that come up. I'm feeling, when you were speaking, I could feel myself soothing and dropping and feeling myself actually drop

into this conversation more because I realized I was a little bit out here from the joking. And now, as you were speaking, I could feel my own momentum slowing so i could get inside something yeah that phrase you used um alexandra is that we're in negotiation with something when we're entering menstruation really got me um and you've sort of answered this a little bit like what are we in negotiation with um it sounds like we're in negotiation with our own vulnerability you know with the feelings with our sensitivity with our permeability we're kind

of negotiate negotiating our way back into that place and we're course, also negotiating our way into this expanded consciousness. I know some of the fear for me is that it's my edge is like coming into that altered state because I feel it very, very strongly there's always a little bit of a because it's very untethered and it can easily be uncontained and it can feel quite unsafe so we're negotiating all of that and we're also negotiating our own power. And another way of saying that is we're negotiating our own worthiness. And we are almighty. I mean, we are love. We are something beyond what we'd ever let ourselves dream we are so we're kind of

negotiating that our little selves our small selves our child selves are negotiating that and the enormous responsibility of that power so there's quite a lot going on here, just to say. It's not just as simple as like it's hard to stop because, you know, we've got so much to do. There is a lot that our psyches are tracking and our beings are tracking. Yeah. The thing that I'm thinking of right now around the edge to resting is so firstly you know in that momentum i spoke about how it kind of deadens and numbs things doing is is a great way of keeping feelings at bay it's a great way of keeping our critic at bay i mean doing doing doing can be an addiction in

itself i mean in a way all addictions are our way of trying to keep at bay our um you know inner monsters really namely our critic so when we stop that momentum then something opens up within us you know we're suddenly more present to ourselves it'll you know we'll suddenly be feeling things more that we hadn't been feeling whilst we were doing and if there is if we've got a very strong inner critic oh well firstly the inner critic doesn't like us stopping number one yeah that'll do a number on us you know you don't do anything you're such a slacker you know you can't afford to blah blah blah but also you'll hear or feel um all the ways you're not comfortable with yourself, you know, the way you handled a situation, all sorts of ways that we judge ourselves.

And Shana used that word worthiness. You know, if there isn't a sort of basic sense of worthiness within ourselves, then that inner critic can have a field day at this point. And then the other thing that can come up is if there's trauma in our system, we can start to feel the effects of that, the fallout from that, that's the word I'm looking for, The fallout. And we can be just however that is expressed in our being. But in other words, we could be feeling very difficult feelings or discomfort within our being because of that. Keeping ourselves busy is a way of keeping that at bay. So you're speaking, when you talk about trauma, Alexandra, you're speaking about the necessity of us feeling some degree of safety in ourselves in order to be able to

hold ourselves in greater and greater experiences of vulnerability so it's really good that you named that because if you have experienced trauma in your life and we've all experienced trauma to varying degrees there is a profound need for us to pace ourselves in order to find ground and find safety in a way that's the place we're needing to put our attention less on like I must stop and rest and more on what do I need in order to feel safer in myself right now or what will help me to find more ground in myself right now because the safety and the ground in a way opens us to the possibility of rest so that's a really um it's radical the really really important thing you've mentioned and also just coming to your other point alexandra the

inner critic you know i was thinking when you were talking about the inner critic in answer to the question um why is it so hard to rest um i think it's a fun game to play with yourself. I mean, I've done this, I do this ongoingly. If you want to know the answer to that question for yourself, just listen to what your critic is saying, because your critic will reveal to you what some of the beliefs are that you hold that are obstacles to you being able to receive what's available to you at menstruation. So it's a really fun game to listen to your critic. And I know it takes work to be able to listen to your critic.

In fact, we're very dedicated to teaching more about how to meet and manage your critics so that you can have more choice and more freedom around what you do, particularly in the latter stages of your cycle in late autumn and in the crossover to the winter. So it's a fun little game for everyone. I mean, I'd love to pick up on this theme of safety, actually, because it's really got me it's so crucial because the thing about stopping is it's disruptive I mean rest is radical rest is a radical disruptor it is Alexandra always says to me your bleed is so inconvenient I am so supportive of Shani yeah I mean it's never convenient. I mean, that is the truth.

There's always bad timing. It always comes and, like, gets in the way of all the stuff we have to do. It is such a disruptor. It is a serious disruptor of the momentum, our own inner momentum, and not just us keeping our demons at bay, but also because we've got agendas. We've got things we want to achieve and do. It's, you know, there's a whole lot of good momentum, you know,

good stuff we're trying to do. And it just, it disrupts it all. But what we're also doing, so it's this personal kind of disruption, but we disrupt people around us. And it's this word safety. You see, you've got to feel you have support really around you. But, you know, if you've got perhaps a partner who's, you know, a little bit critical or, you know, it's like, oh, you're bleeding again.

I can sort of understand how men feel really, you know, when Charlie, I think, Jesus, again, you've got to bleed again. We've got all this shit to do you can't just go off I do it lovingly and jokingly but I get to see the other side the disruption um so yes you're disrupting others because also you're withdrawing your services you're withdrawing your services and others are going to have to do more they're going to have to pick up the slack um and also interestingly it exposes others to their own inability to give themselves rest it's very interesting People are then judging themselves, but they project it out on you. So it's sort of safety on the inside, your own with your own sense of inner worthiness, but also just having a climate of warmth and respect around you. You know, people who do trust you and believe you and respect you and respect your needs.

If you don't have that, then it won't feel safe to stop. When it comes to getting more rest, as Alexandra mentioned earlier in this episode, there's a particular voice within us that has the power to prevent us from resting altogether our inner critic which if it's anything like mine likes to tell you that you're such a slacker if you even begin to dare to slow down if this is a big voice for you if this is something you'd like to explore, we invite you to come to our upcoming Harness Your Inner Critic, Liberate Your Power workshop, which is happening on Valentine's Day. What better way to spend some time on this romantic day and resilience needed to meet your critic, receive its feedback and get it on your side so that you can get more rest and experience a host of other benefits in your life. I'll drop the link to this workshop in the podcast show notes at

redschool.net forward slash podcast that's redschool.net forward slash podcast the thing I'm present to having heard what you just said Alexandra is that I definitely don't have an atmosphere of support around me and respect when it comes to rest at menstruation and I don't say that to criticize Aid, who is my main atmosphere in my house. You know, he's with me and creating the atmosphere in my house. It's just not in his nature to stop. He's a real active bunny. And he, as much as he loves me, and he knows me, and he knows my passion for this work. It's taking him a really long time to get why it's important for me to stop. So I really have to advocate for myself.

And I do that by putting it in the calendar, talking about it like two weeks in advance and a week in advance and a few days in advance. But still, every single bleed that I've had since we had Artie I have cried for lack of rest and I know I know so many people listening will feel the same because of whatever circumstances they've got in their lives but yeah it's it's a real edge I mean I relate to every single thing you've named in terms of the barriers that are in the get in the way to me resting and I think it's also important to name the cultural bigger picture societal barriers that are in the way of this this state of restedness because it's just true

that it's less safe for certain people to be rested in our world. Like for women, often, and especially women of colour, but also all people of colour and anyone who's living on the margins, the LGBTQ plus community, people living with a disability, Indigenous folks, it's, yeah, it's simply less safe for certain people to be rested and so I see a couple of levels to this work like I am in my own process of learning how to come home to myself and cultivate this restedness within and simultaneously from a rested place wanting to work to create a world where it's

safer for everybody to rest and one of my guides for this is Trisha Hersey who's the founder of this amazing organization called the nap ministry and she also wrote a book called rest is resistance and it's black history month and so I'm making a point of really wanting to educate myself and I'm going to be reading her book and learning from her but her work is all around like what you've been saying that rest is such a radical act and it is a form of activism and it by resting we're choosing to step out of this grind and hustle culture which is born from capitalism and consumerism which trisha maps back to the plantations and chattel slavery and this sense of we're not

we're not worthy unless we're productive like the connection between worth and profit and productivity and that resting and napping like she she tells a story of how she would just nap in the like courtyard of her university just as a just as an act of like no I I'm not she says I'm not going to give myself to capitalism so there's there's a whole wonderful piece of work there but the essence is that this restedness is is so healthy for us and it's so healthy for our world and and it's so healthy for our planet as well if we can step into this rhythm yeah i love it i mean we always talk about this as being activism for sure and it's political and it's you know cultural and it's everything.

Yeah, your words have got me. Yeah, it is so powerful. I'm actually really digging the NAP ministry. That's the church I'm belonging to. Yes. I'll put the link to it in the in the show notes for the podcast yeah it's really good to recognize that we're going against the cultural tide when it comes to following our cycles and particularly going with the the rest and the retreat that menstruation calls us to. We're going against the cultural tide and it's not surprising, therefore, that it's hard for us

to stop because it isn't just personal. There is a whole momentum in the world that we are changing and equally I want to say resist the temptation to blame our capitalist culture because the world is not going to change first. We're going to change, and then the world is going to change. And this is really, really important, is that each one of us, in our small way, in creating more safety for ourselves, in meeting our own edges, in tending our own nervous system, in daring to give ourselves a little bit more and let a little bit more in. Bit by bit, these small shifts are rippling out into the world and are going to lead to the big change that we all want to see.

Yeah, I feel so rested in myself when I heard you say earlier that this is a lifelong practice so when I have those bleeds where rest isn't possible I can choose to say you know I had a bath for 20 minutes and I'm contributing to a momentum of of restedness by doing that and that that will build over my lifetime and to have that really big long view is is restful in itself I think yeah and also your awareness not just being very conscious of your needs even if you can't meet them in the way you want to yeah that that's in itself because you're in yourself you're feeling yourself yeah these are there are some very um helpful skills that can support all of us to

experience a little bit more than before regardless of what our outer circumstances are and that's in a way where we really put our attention in our work is on these core leadership skills because they teach us how to claim what is actually there for us to claim, but that we fail to see when we're waiting for someone else to do it for us. Yeah. And we all do that i mean we all are bit by bit having to go oh no one's gonna advocate for me oh no one's gonna invite me to

rest no one's gonna you know suggest that i stop or give me permission ain't nobody you know it's ultimately down to each one of us and that that skill alexandra named of awareness of our own needs which is of course what menstrual cycle awareness is it's us just noticing what we're needing whether we can give it to ourselves in the moment or not, the awareness of it is a huge reclamation. Just acknowledging that is big. So can we speak to some of these skills that you're talking about, Shani? Because you two have been living from the place of these skills and you've been bringing them into your work and now to create this next new iteration of the menstruality leadership program you've really named these feminine leadership skills and I think there were three specific ones

you wanted to look at today in terms of how they can support us to rest and the first one was interoception which I think we mentioned in the last podcast yeah yes and actually Shani has been she demonstrated it right at the beginning when she started talking about when she thought about what just thinking about rest what that brought up in her system she started to notice this unease his feelings of unease and and then a feeling of fear that came up and and so on and so interoception is the capacity to be able to notice one's own interior state one's physical state the sensations in one's body yes she was talking about her nervous system feeling a bit jittery and the feeling of fear that came up my breathing my breathing was suddenly more shallow i could feel like a shake in my body. My heart rate had increased.

So it's that somatic body awareness that is, it's the foundation for, you know, emotional literacy. It really kind of taps you into what's really going on. It puts you inside your own experience. And it's everything when it comes to, well, feminine leadership, but it's central to the practice of cycle awareness and how we track the changing rhythm that's happening in our being throughout the menstrual month. And I would say for me, in my experience of it so far in my life, it's so central to me living my calling because there are specific sensations that I associate with being in the right place at the right time with the right people doing the right thing.

And one of them is a feeling of warmth that spreads through my pelvic bowl really with my cervix I think it's hard to know whether it's my cervix or not but my cervix at the center and it's this slight throbbing and I'm like oh okay I mean I'm in I'm in the right place if my cervix gives me a wink totally this is you are so right. Interception lies behind our sense of intuition. You know, we don't need an explanation. It really we're picking up things all the time that are outside of our conscious awareness when we're in communication with people or when we walk into a different room or encounter a group of people. much feedback and information that our body holds in that moment. And the more sensitive we can become to that, the more our awareness expands, the more knowing we have, and also the more empathic, the more resonant we can be with what's going on around us, which means we're more in tune, we're more connected, we are relating to and relating with. So it's a very, very, very core skill for our leadership. And when it comes to rest, how is that helping us to get past this hurdle around resting hopefully it comes down for me to this thing of um

slowing down the momentum and that our cycle is our guide is our ultimate guide for walking us safely into the surrender that menstruation is inviting us into yeah it's because you're inhabiting your body more and more so you're coming back into yourself with this skill aren't you shiny exactly in in the kind of noticing it's almost like you're talking yourself back into your being if you've been somewhere yes there is that thing of noticing but it's specific like through the inner autumn our cycle is gearing us down and our physical experience is changing. And with interoception, we stay tapped into that gear change.

And that builds safety. We don't suddenly feel flung into the edge and time to stop. We're actually slowly, slowly gearing down. And I've shared this story before, but I remember a number of years ago when my kids were little, saying to my husband, sort of coming into a hill this huge vehicle you know with two carriages with massive momentum and he said the way it stops is that the brakes have got to be pumped bit by bit by bit by bit. You don't just slam on brakes or the juggernaut will jackknife and kind of fly off the road.

And that's exactly what interoception is doing during the inner autumn is it's pumping the brakes. It's helping us to stay in that gear change so that we're pacing ourselves. I feel it now as you're speaking about it. It brings a soothing imagining the release of my breath, you know, and rest is inevitable. Yeah, okay, so interoception is making rest inevitable. That's nice. I find myself with this question of where are we walking ourselves back from, if we're walking

ourselves home to ourselves and I think what you're pointing to is so many of us because of the nature of our world we're walking around disembodied we're walking around in the realm of ideas and thoughts and concepts and judgments and this is a process of coming home to physical sensation and body from ideas to real lived present moment sense experiences. Yeah, well put, Sophie. So that is the first, as you fondly call them, dark art of menstruality that we wanted to speak to, interception and the second is restedness which is I'd love you to share a bit of your definition of restedness because it really moved me as I was reading some of the notes that you've been putting together for the menstruality leadership program you described it as the art of feeling held regardless of what's going on which I guess is what we've been speaking to so much today the art of restlessness I mean actually this is my word of the year

restlessness this is my mission my intention my everything so I'm so it is this in any given moment there is a feeling that I can, I want to say, trust myself. It is to feel an ease with who I am, regardless of what is happening on the outside, you know, what pressures are are what demands are and can i say it's probably one of those lifelong practices again even though it's my ambition for the year i really want to up my game with this one because the state of my nervous system which is highly sensitive really rests on my capacity for restedness. So when I think about the act of restedness, it is about a self-responsibility, a responsibility of myself in the moment,

and to hold myself so i'm really thinking the challenge with restedness is when there are lots of difficulties we're dealing with this pressure deadlines jesus deadlines knock me out of restedness oh yeah or criticism or you know not even criticism but just someone with a different opinion. You know, it's nice when we're both singing from the same hymn sheet, but that doesn't always happen. We've got different opinions going on. And and so when I when I'm up against something like that, my challenge is to come back to myself and not get caught up in my head trying to manage the situation or fight the you know attack or whatever it is in my head you

know but to to come back to myself in the moment so it's a really powerful act of sort of stepping out of victimhood for me, not feeling, you know, at the victim of what someone else thinks. It seems to me such a radical act to feel okay in myself, even as someone is, you know, giving critical feedback on something. So it's not that I'm not valuing the feedback. On the contrary, you know, I'm listening to it. I'm taking it in.

But it's just so important for me to be able to hold a place of ease with myself, a worthiness. It's a foundation of worthiness, isn't it, Shani where rest in this rests on yeah it's uh it's about building this little sanctuary inside yourself that's lovely where no matter what is going on there's this place in you where you feel right where you feel okay where you feel loved where you feel held and um if you've never tasted that experience that is one of the things that menstruation does is it grows that place in us every time we bleed um that little sanctuary inside ourselves gets filled out a little bit more and becomes a little bit more accessible becomes a little bit more accessible and a little bit more tangible and part of us.

I really feel how every moment of cycle awareness is also like a little signpost that's pointing in like don't abandon yourself yes turn towards that goodness in you because there is absolute innate goodness in all of us for sure undeniable and i feel like every every time i'm like oh where am i what cycle day am i on how am i feeling it's a little moment of turn towards myself turn towards myself. Turn towards myself. And that builds momentum. That's so true. Yes, it's about not abandoning oneself. Yeah, big, big work. It's very big work.

And I am very grateful for all my years of menstruation because every time I bled, oh, my God, that actually fed something. I am thin-skinned. I am not thick-skinnedned i am very thin skinned and it gets thinner as i get older damn it um yeah and and there is this well that i cannot abandon now and that actually was the profound gift of menopause. That's the ultimate. Menopause seals the deal on what you have been tasting every month at menstruation.

It's like menopause puts the big stamp of, you know, imprimatur on your being of you are never bloody going to leave this place again. You are always going to keep a line to your inner holiness, regardless. That's what menopause is educating you into and then kind of sealing the deal on. You can't leave menopause until you seal the deal. I wish we could replace all the blooming headlines that are out there about menopause at the moment and all the doom and gloom and say this is what menopause is actually for

it's to build that line to yourself but make it non-negotiable that's so good alexandra i feel like i've learned the most about restedness from the post-menopausal people in my life yeah yeah i mean it's uh it sort of comes full circle to what we're saying at the beginning of the conversation Sophie Jane which is that our capacity to stop administration comes down to us remembering no you know not waiting for other people to tell you it's okay or not waiting for the world to give you permission but taking your own side really putting your needs and your need for rest taking the power back which you know having heard what Alexandra said is very good practice for menopause and then this third dark art that you wanted to name when it comes to

getting more rest or overcoming barriers to rest is small shifts small shifts oh yes oh yes you know I used to be and I to say used to be, because I really feel this is changing for me. I used to be an all or nothing person. Like if it wasn't big, it didn't count. And one of my barriers to rest was, unless I can have all the rest I want in exactly the way I want it all the time, I'm not doing any, I'm not going to, no rest going to happen, you know? Yeah. I mean, I think a lot of people will relate to that. And the thing that I've discovered and that we keep discovering over and over

again is that the way to create big change is through making small shifts and if you know us at red school you know how we love the one percent and that's what this skill is finding some small way claiming that bit that you can do the rest you can give yourself the ways you can stop ways you can let go just a little bit just the microdose of it and knowing trusting that that microdose has profound effects over time yeah you it's it's muscle building each one percent strengthens something in you it's so powerful it is so powerful and uh since i don't think we've said it once this episode and one of the things I love about the menstrual cycle, one of the things I love about the menstrual cycle is how generous it is. You see, this is the thing you make that 1% shift and you receive more trust. You experience more trust you experience more trust you experience more holding so it makes the next

shift more possible you know that's why it grows exponentially because the cycle is so generous in response it's so generous a little bit from us and our cycle gives a lot menstruation gives a lot and then incrementally and exponentially it becomes easier and easier oh i feel good at the end of this conversation i feel rested and before we wrap up, I want to mention the next thing we have coming up at Red School is this workshop about the inner critic. And if you're listening and you know your inner critic can be loud around this topic, slowing down and resting. And let's just say let's's just say whose isn't. If you're listening, it's you. So for all of us, yeah, we recommend coming to this workshop because it's all about how to meet that critical voice,

which could be a really great way of making a small shift towards more rest next time next bleed and throughout your life and I'll drop the link to that in the show notes but it's happening on Valentine's Day on February the 14th if you're not on our newsletter list come and join it and we'll send you an invite so So maybe as a way of closing our conversation today, it's good for all of us to reflect on your obstacles to rest and what's going to support you to rest more in your next bleed and in your life. What small shifts can you make?

Yeah. Thanks, you two. Thank you, Sophie. I'm feeling so chilled I'm so rested I don't have many words I know I'm so chilled now it's like yeah whatever hi on talking on rest this rest some rest. Hey, thank you for tuning in today. I'm still feeling that chill and that high here on day one after editing this podcast. And I hope that you're feeling it too. And that this episode has given you some inspiration when it comes to getting more rest in your life. So we mentioned a couple of times in the episode that we have a workshop coming up called Harness Your Inner Critic, Liberate Your Power. It's happening on Valentine's Day on the 14th of February. It's an hour and a half and it's an online interactive

workshop. We'll be exploring what the inner critic critic is how it might be showing up in your life so that you can name it when it arrives and create space around it and develop an empowered relationship with it and alexander and sharni will be guiding you in how to create a strong foundation of resilience and buffering so that you can meet this voice within you so it's no longer holding you or your loved ones hostage being there you can find out about the workshop in the podcast show notes so you go to redschool.net forward slash podcast that's redschool.net forward slash podcast hope to see you there and I'll be with you again next week and until then keep living life according to your own brilliant rhythm