The Menstruality Podcast - Befriend Your Inner Critic Through Menstrual Cycle Awareness (Alexandra & Sjanie)

Episode Date: February 24, 2022

In this episode, Red School founders Alexandra and Sjanie get real, honest and vulnerable about the inner critic: what it is, how it shows up, its deeper purpose, and how to handle this challenging force in our lives. Learning how to manage and harness the power of the inner critic is almost always a real game-changer for our Menstruality Leadership Programme participants. This powerful, inevitable character has the potential to paralyse us into inaction, whilst also being a key catalyst for profound growth and transformation… if we know how to negotiate it. And the good news is we’ve got the menstrual cycle on our side here. A key teaching we share today is how to restore your critic to its natural home - the pre menstruum, so you can get in on your side, receive it’s feedback and use it to live your calling. In the episode we explore:What is the inner critic? How do we know when it has turned up? (ie: Unease, thoughts speeding up, clenched jaw, procrastination, addictive habits etc). And how can we track the inner critic through our body, thoughts and feeling state?Guidelines for handling your inner critic, such as; naming it when it shows up, taking your own side, using humour as an antidote, and importantly, seeking professional help where needed. How the critic shows up in menopause - the winter of our soul’s journey. Our upcoming Inner Critic online workshop on Monday 14th March. You can find out more and take your seat at redschool.net/podcast/critic---Get your Inner Critic playlist! It's here -  in the shownotes: https://redschool.net/podcast/critic---Registration is open for our 2022 Menstruality Leadership Programme. You can check it out here: https://www.redschool.net/menstruality-leadership-programme-2022---The Menstruality Podcast is hosted by Red School. We love hearing from you. To contact us, email [e-mail]---Social media:Red School: @redschool - https://www.instagram.com/red.school

Welcome to the Menstruality Podcast, where we share inspiring conversations about the power of menstrual cycle awareness and conscious menopause. This podcast is brought to you by Red School, where we're training the menstruality leaders of the future. I'm your host, Sophie Jane Hardy, and I'll be joined often by Red School's founders Alexandra and Sharni as well as an inspiring group of pioneers, activists, change makers and creatives to explore how you can unashamedly claim the power of the menstrual cycle to activate your unique form of leadership for yourself, your community and the world. Hey there, thank you so much for joining us again. Welcome back. Today we're talking about one of my favourite topics. It's always a game changer for people on

our menstruality leadership programme. The inner critic. This powerful force in our lives has the potential to paralyze us into inaction but as we explore today with Red School's co-founders Alexandra and Shani it's also the key catalyst for transformation and depth in our beings if we know how to negotiate it and the good news is that we've got the menstrual cycle on our side with this. This conversation is a warm-up for an online workshop that Sharni and Alexandra will teach on Monday the 14th of March. So if you'd like to explore how to handle your inner critic instead of being held hostage by it, we invite you to join us for that workshop. You can find out more at redschool.net forward slash podcast forward slash critic. I want to give you a heads up with this one that the critic brought out some fruity language in all of us so grab

your headphones if you've got people around you that you don't want to hear that fruity language. Okay let's get going with what the inner critic is, how it shows up, its deeper purpose and how to handle this challenging force in our lives. Hey, good morning you two. Good morning Sophie, here we are again. It's inner critic time and it's actually, it's an interesting time for me to talk about inner critic because I'm on day 17 and I've still got this summertime breeze in my hair and the sun on my face so I noticed that when I'm in this phase of my cycle I it's in a way it's easier to interview

people because I don't have that you're shit at this you're asking crap questions what's your life even about like conversation going on behind the scenes but at the same time I have to watch because I can stay on the surface when I'm in my inner summer and what I notice about when I interview in in my inner autumn is I ask different questions I dare to take like bigger risks and maybe make a mess so um I'm gonna trust that especially Shani since you're on day 21 I think you're gonna keep us right your critic's gonna keep us right I'm gonna keep us right in this shit how is day 21 going ah poof you know I feel like I actually feel like I've got a bit of a hangover it's not unlike a hangover feeling um and just to give a little bit of context to this because yeah they're day 21s they're day 21s? But we spent last week in a very intensive book editing process

without much time for drawing breath. And then I went from that into a three-day birthday party for my now 11-year-old and then back into the week. So I haven't had the kind of space I would normally have or the kind of rest I'd normally have. And, oh, I am feeling it. I feel edgy. I feel volatile. I feel dangerous. I feel intolerant.

And that, coupled with the fact that we're talking about the critic today, because here's the funny thing about the critic, and this is sort of a warning to everybody who's listening. When you think about the critic, when you read about the critic, when you talk about the critic, guess who shows up? Passing commentary. Yeah, passing commentary yeah passing commentary you know the critic telling me that I'm not gonna you know have anything good to say about the critic I mean bloody hell and then

just to top that off this morning I draw myself a um power card every morning from our red school power card pack and what card did I draw no prizes for guessing me the critic to which i raised my middle finger so yes that's how i'm doing sophie james it says something about our relationship in the last few days shadi working together on the editing the book and i am of course day 22 of the moon cycle and i can really feel how i used to feel in the menstrual cycle actually this is one of the moments in the cycle that's in the moon cycle that's very distinct because i can feel myself drop down into a deeper gear and a more gritty,

have more grittiness. I'm more embodied and, and I'm kind of, I'm more on it. There's a real discernment coming in, but there's this bolshiness and you and I have been so bolshy backwards and forwards editing the book. Cause of course our egos are alive and strong and you're going,

I don't like that line. And I'm going, that line has to stay in yeah because you wrote it because I wrote it although I did concede on one line to you later on reflection small concessions have been made so that no lives were lost no no lives were lost no lives are lost but you know it was um very interesting. It was a very, I mean, the upside of it was it was very satisfying. You know, when you're in the driver's seat with your critic, as we were, and as I feel at the moment, it's very galvanizing, isn't it? It's so galvanizing. Yeah. And having a project like that to pour that discernment and critical energy into, you know, in that final phase of editing, it's, it's, I mean, it's actually one of the most pleasurable feelings for me. I love it. Getting right down to what is absolutely it

and fine tuning the thing you've created to that point of, you know, where your whole system goes, ah, that's just right now. There's just this kind of sweet spot when it all, you know, it all comes together. And that's what we were doing this week. And it does now, now, now that we threw all the tussle, it feels so good, doesn't it, Alexandra, to be in this place? I know. The book feels just so good.'t it alexandra to be in this place the book feels just so good and it just and i can

i say shan it just feels so pleasurable having such a clean engagement with you around the critic around that critical energy and that's been honed over time of course yeah yeah there's nothing like a clean fire day it's yeah so satisfying. So there we are, Sophie. That's our moon day and cycle day. It's quite radical the way you two are able to work with the critic. You know, I get to see this on a daily basis. But, Shani, even the way you checked in, in any other context, to enter a team and say I'm volatile I'm gritty

I'm dangerous you know like in a business context that's a that's a that's something to bring but because of the teachings of the critic and the way we're holding it in in the organization we can work with that grit we can work with that volatility we can harness the danger it's very exciting it's very exciting i mean that's really the power of cycle awareness isn't it sophie is that if we all claim and occupy the place we're in we can use it in service of whatever it is we're doing you know i i I think, you know, daily tasks should be assigned on a, you know, on the basis of what day of your cycle you're on. If you put me to work on editing or looking at what's not working in any aspect of my life or our organization or a creative project, I'm going to really shine.

But if you, you know, put me in a situation where I'm going to have to be doing something that is meaningless or kind of give my energy to a place that doesn't feel right to me, I'm going to be a pain in the ass. So yes. And if you didn't know that context, you'd, you'd be wrestling with yourself all day long. And you don't have to, you can just free up that energy now to apply it. I just, there's a question I wanted to ask first, but I want to ask this one which is you know there's something you said about because this editing task was so big it's like you'd given your critic something big enough to chew on and does that have the impact of then your critic is kind of distracted from just criticizing you or criticizing your personal life or criticizing your partner is there something

here about how good it is to have something, like to hand the critic something big enough to deal with? I think the guess is part of the answer, Sophie. But for me, there's a preamble to that. The reason that Sharni and I had such a creative and productive week is because we've been wrestling with our own inner critics, you know, and been over considerable years. And we've also done lots of creative projects together. So we have learnt to play more and more cleanly, I suppose,

with that critical energy and to feel less wounded. Because I remember when we were first, you know, editing the Wild Power book, that was much more vulnerable for us, wasn't it, Sharni? For our egos. And, you know, we had to sort of tread more carefully there. Whereas frankly, with this book, the gloves were off, right, you know, we weren sort of tread more carefully there whereas frankly with this book the gloves were off right you know we weren't worried about each other we were just right in

there yes no yes no so um there's a degree of inner work that's required first and and sort of holding of yourself and respect of yourself that allows then you to be able to really use that critical energy i mean if i were to go back to um my first book wild genie when i got the feedback from the editor i i could barely read it you know and it took me like a month before I could come back and look at it and digest it. So huge was the kind of shame I was still holding. I mean, this work is so has been so raw for me in the past and I've held a lot of shame and it was really hard to come back. And I needed the distance of time. It's almost like my nervous system had to acclimatize and so on. Whereas now, you know, we're like on it straight away.

It's such a different beast. Yeah. So, you know, what Alexandra is talking about, I really liked your question, Sophie. You said if we give the critic a task, then can it be a creative force in our lives? That's how I understood your question. And Alexandra's pointing to, yes, but you kind of need enough ballast, enough ground, enough ego strength to use it in that way. So that's number one. And then the second part is,

yes, that critical force within us is going to be alive and active, come what may. This is nothing, we're never going to get rid of this critical force. And it can be used to really serve us. It can be used as a tool for discernment, for refinement, for maturation, for awakening, for all of these things you're absolutely right but that can only happen if you feel enough sort of ballast in yourself and that's the first the first piece really which is why I'm really excited about the workshop that's coming up because that's the one of the goals of the workshop is to give people a sense of that buffering and that ballast so that they can work with their inner critic. Exactly Sophie, there are such simple good ways

of really building this inner container and this nourishment and this ground and yes that is one of the goals, it's such a good piece to know now let's talk about what is this inner critic that we're speaking about here and I would love to hear first where the these teachings came from like you know one of the most common kinds of feedback that we get from our menstruality leadership program is thank you for teaching me how to work with my inner critic because it's so game changing it has been for me it has you know I hear it from our graduates all the time so how did you come up with your teachings on the inner critic and how you know how did you come to understand their connection to the menstrual cycle well maybe I should start by saying you know what we what we understand the inner critic to be. And then, Alexandra, you can share how that concept has become framed in our teaching. So, yeah, the inner critic, I mean, you've all gathered by now. that passes comment on all the ways that you are getting it wrong or not good enough.

It's that part of us that its job is to point out what's wrong about us and what's not working. And it's an interesting old character because it wants us to be like everyone else, only better. And it wants us to fit in and stand out and be special. So there's like no real winning within a critic. It loves to sort of channel the cultural norms and the sort of societal expectations and your sort of parental voices and let you know all the your words before you get a chance to utter them, you know, trying to make them more impressive or somehow not get things wrong so that you'll be criticized. It's there on guard at all times, you know. And it's bloody relentless. And it's never going to go away. And it's a tyrant it has no

bloody boundaries and the irony is shardy i call it the um the great protection racket it's actually trying to protect us that's the irony of it it's trying to protect us yeah that is the irony of it but it has it has no manners and it has no... No manners. Yeah, Alexandra, you like to say the critic hasn't been to finishing school. No, no, it hasn't been to finishing school. It's never learnt any...

It doesn't pass comment kindly. No. And, yeah, so it's pretty rude, really, and damning and shaming. So, yes, and we all have this yeah we all have this aspect within us and we can turn it on ourselves and of course we can turn it on others too yeah yeah and the sort of other irony is you wouldn't want to be without it ultimately and that's part of it the big big story of the importance of this figure so how did all our teachings come together well there are two aspects to this one is rooted in my years as a psychotherapist

and um i myself am very grateful firstly for i started out with psychosynthesis and learned about subpersonalities and that's where the whole notion of having these inner parts, you know, these different inner voices of which, of course, one is the inner critic. That's one of the most profound, biggest ones. And I learned around how to deal with conflict from process-oriented psychotherapy, the work of Arnie Mindell. And I did a lot of training in that at one time many years ago. And it was really invaluable for me in how to meet and work and confront this figure. So this was all out of the context of cycle awareness. I mean I was growing into my cycle awareness work, the menstruality work. This is in my 30s and early 40s but I had no understanding of what we hold today. That's truly, it's matured hugely.

But so I had learned lots of, you know, really good. And of course, in my psychotherapy practice, this is the figure that ultimately you're always dealing with. So I was always kind of learning, getting insights and so on about how to work with people, to help people to deal with their critics. And of course, my own my own you know this was personal work i was really working with it in digesting it within my own being so yeah i was

growing this sort of big you know gathering a lot of good useful very practical information about how to deal with this figure and and to feel it much more as a creative presence so we were on our second no first we were on our first trailer what it was the second one it was the first one it was the second one see this argument could go on for a long time. I could name some people who were there. No, no, no, no. It was the first one because I know who was there. I was going to say, I can remember. No, no, no, no. We'll have it.

Actually, you're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. Thank you. Thank you. You're right. You're right. So it was the second module of the first apprenticeship training. What's now our Menstruality Leadership Program was called the Women's Quest Apprenticeship Training. It was in January. It was deep in snow. We were at Earth Heart.

I just remember the setting so well. And in the day, we'd done these teachings on the critic. And, oh, my God, it sort of exploded on me yeah it was explosive you know we unleashed a monster it was just and that at the end of that day i'm thinking holy shit i'm gonna you know this is now taken out and i'm trying to teach the menstruality work but now this thing of the critic has just occupied the whole space I thought how am I what am you know how am I going to pull all this together hang on a minute what do you mean when you say it exploded like what what did that look like it it looks like when you talk about the critic your critic steps forward and and and really the people had huge reactions to

the exercise because in my I I am we do exercises that are a lot sort of simpler now. But in those days, I was, I'm a bit of a sort of boundary wide rider, wild rest. I love punching people into the deep end. But then, of course, I have to deal with it. But I mean, it was a terrific exercise. But yeah, it opened up a lot of reaction. And in the day, I managed to sort of bring people together. I gave them a task, actually, I remember.

I sent them off into the woods in the snow and then with some questions to reflect on, came back and we did this massive brainstorming and managed to land some things. But I knew it was, you know, something I was, you know, something was disturbed in me, not, you know, something hadn't come together. And then I went to bed that night and in the middle of the night, bingo, I'm awake, I'm awake. And suddenly it all comes in. I suddenly get the whole thing about the critic having a natural home in the menstrual cycle and that

there's an order to the cycle and that when you restore the critic to its natural home then the crit because the one thing i've always held on to about the critic is it acts like a tyrant and it does it just crosses boundaries doesn't care about boundaries it's it thinks it can just go everywhere carte blanche and one of the things i learned about working with critics was meeting it and creating boundaries around it and i suddenly saw the boundary of what cycle of awareness could bring that the critic has a very crucial role. I can't remember all the details. I just got the sort of complete download that the critic is a very, very powerful and important figure. You don't want to be without that. I'd always understood that, but it holds a holy role in the cycle and

that that role is being just completely lost, leaked away by the fact that the critic just is everywhere, just comments and everything. But that if we could restore it to its home and care for the other phases of the cycle, because when you don't understand that, then the critic destroys all the other phases of the cycle. You don't get to enjoy the innocence of spring because the critic comes in and goes, oh, that's a load of the cycle you don't get to enjoy the innocence of spring because the critic comes in and goes oh that's a load of old shit isn't it who do you think you are when you're having all these lovely budding ideas or you're daring to sort of show up in summer and you know the critic just marches in and says etc etc or um you know it stops you from being able to really drop deeply into that hugely numinous space of menstruation that requires immense vulnerability to go there.

But also, if you're vulnerable, that's an open door to the critic. So I realized that cycle awareness and honoring each of the phases. And I could see how each phase of the cycle added something, added, created more of a holding vessel for holding the critic in place. Now, a lot of, you know, there were a whole lot more refinements and understandings that grew from that download. But really, in essence, in that that download i got the critic has a natural home in the cycle and has to be restored there for order to be restored in our psyches in order for then in that way then we can really start to free up and be ourselves it's so exciting to hear how the teachings have landed in you, actually, because it shows how alive this field is orchestration that happened and it took all those

women on that first module you know what to because they held a dignity with it all because you know that we were all participating in something together and I was able to go the back the next day and then share what had come and something then landed within them and then you know so each step of what happened brought that in so i always felt that that first group in particular had nom you know had nominated themselves to step up to serve the evolution of this work in the most radical way because that first training just blew everything up and all the pieces fell in a whole new ordering so I'm so eternally grateful for that first group because it was you know such new work and now each person who says I am going in I'm going into intimacy with my cycle each

person that does that is bringing new insight is furthering the field is expanding the consciousness of menstruality so exciting let's um let's go deeper into this the home of the critic that the inner critic has a natural home inside the menstrual cycle it's the premenstruum how can we begin this work of restoring the critic to its natural home knowing that the that's the place the inner critic belongs when we practice cycle awareness now there's this new piece of awareness that we can all bring which is you know noticing when our critic turns up being aware of what season we're in and if it isn't the time and place for the critic we can we can actually draw a boundary draw a line and let the critic know that we are not interested in what it has to say right now.

And we will be when we get round to the inner autumn. When we get round to the inner autumn, we will have a date with our critic and listen to what it has to say and meet it and respond to it and hear it out. Your critic does need to be heard out. So it's really important that you aren't just ignoring it or telling it to get lost, that you do actually mark out that you have that time for your critic. So cycle awareness is the way of creating that first layer of boundary so that your critic is contained and that it can't, you know, run roughshod over every damn season. So that's that's the first piece. If you'd like to explore how to handle your inner critic instead of being held hostage by it we invite you to join us for our upcoming online inner critic workshop which is happening on monday the 14th of march alexandra and shani will guide

you to create strong foundations through cycle awareness so you have the buffer and resilience needed to meet your critic receive its feedback and get it on your side these inner critic teachings are a core part of our menstruality leadership program and this workshop will be a great introduction to how Alexandra and Sharni teach this work. I'll drop the link to the workshop in the podcast show notes at redschool.net forward slash podcast forward slash critic that's redschool.net forward slash podcast forward slash critic. That's redschool.net forward slash podcast forward slash critic. Alexandra, do you want to add anything to that? Well, I think there's another important element

to this, Sharni, that sort of almost comes before what is very crucial as part of what you're saying which is actually that you need to learn to recognise the signs of your critic when it's turned up because it doesn't necessarily turn up as a voice in your head going

are they softened up when you stop and really pause and listen but it can be yeah yeah yeah yeah are they softly yeah when you stop and really pause and listen but um it it it can be very physical in our beings and really affect our behaviors quite unconsciously so if i was to think about myself i know when my critic is around uh some of the clear signs are I start to lose my ground in myself. And I feel I sort of come up into my head and then wheels start spinning and I'm trying to sort of work everything out in my head in how to respond to something. And I lose contact with my whole organism, my body being and my feelings and therefore with actually my own true response. I'm sort of now in management mode. I'm managing it. And it's actually one, very, it's a very disc, it's a disc, I am disconnected from myself. And it's not,

that's not a good feeling for me. And it's, it's actually very exhausting, I realize. And, and also makes me even more vulnerable to my critic. It then becomes this vicious circle. Whereas if I can catch it and drop back into myself, suddenly I've got, I don't know what's the word, I can't even find the word for it. Presence. Yes, it's a presence. And because of that presence, suddenly I don't feel so battered by the figure.

I can actually make decisions around the criticism I'm hearing in my head or, of course, the criticism that's coming at me. Because the critic, whilst it's brilliant, is not very bright sometimes. It's very, very brilliant, but it's very toxic. It's judgmental. It's very all or nothing. It's all or nothing.

It's very black and white, yeah. And it's a bit life and death stuff, you know. Exactly. Yes, Alexandra, you're right. Awareness is the first piece. And that kind of makes me realize that something important to say here is that our inner critic is a voice, you know, it's a presence that's been with all of us pretty persistently. So often it goes unconscious. You start to numb it out

because it's a bit of a broken record. So this skill of noticing when it's there really is a skill. It really is a practice. Often we are so familiar with that voice or that presence that we don't even clock that it's there. So, you know, Alexandra, you've pointed to like one of the ways you know that it's turned up. I relate very, very similar to you. The coming kind of into my head thing is definitely a sign

that my critics shown up. And another way that I notice it, which is often the first way I notice it, is I don't notice what it's saying to me. I just notice the impact it's having on my body. I start to feel sort of sick to the stomach, like an uneasiness, a bad, wrong feeling, a kind of crumpled in on myself feeling that I would describe as shame, I guess. And that for me is a sign that my critic has shown up. And then it takes a little while to go, okay, wait a minute, what am I feeling so bad and wrong about? And I really have to sit with myself to hear what the inner commentary is. And once I begin to listen, oftentimes, you know, I can meet it in the moment. Oftentimes, I can be like, wait a minute, actually, that is, you know, that's not even what's

going on here, or that isn't even accurate. the moment I can bring it to light something already starts to change you're laughing Sophie this is not a laughing matter what's up very serious I mean I've just been nodding like a like one of those cats you know those cats because everything I relate to everything you're saying and what I've been thinking is you often speak about menstrual cycle awareness as a spiritual practice. Yeah. And this is a very clear application of that. You know, this is how our menstrual cycle can help us to cultivate mindfulness and presence in a way that's so healing and so transformational. Exactly. We often call menstrual cycle awareness, our mindfulness practice. Yeah. Yeah. And I was thinking how it shows up in me,

because I think this is very helpful for people listening to hear, you know, all the different ways it can show up. And there are, you know, there will be thousands more. For me, I notice that my thoughts start to go very fast. similarly I feel it in my body I often notice that my jaw is suddenly very tight and actually my ass is tight you know my pelvis is gripping I've worked with a therapist on this I'm like okay I can feel the grip and we work on trying to soften this freaking grip in my ass you know because if I release that my critic has less hold on me like one of the ways that my critic shows up in my body is to tighten everything and the other way that I notice it showing up is procrastination if you just notice that you're

like I'm going to fold the washing and or'm going to like walk the dog or do the dishes instead of doing this thing that you need to do, that can be a sign that your critic has got hold of you. And it's good to shine some light on it because there's something that needs to be freed up. Yeah, that's a really good one. So the other one that's very relatable and, you know, the other place we all go to is into sort of unconscious patterns you know addictive habits we start just acting out you know automatic behaviors that aren't serving us and overriding the feelings and that's often a sign you know when you find your hand in the crisp packet with your critic there possibly yeah yeah so let's look at the positive side of this beast within us there's a positive side how can that be

I was talking to Lauren on our team and I said, well, what would you want to ask Alexandra and Shani about the critic? And she said, I would like to ask them, what does a healthy inner critic look like? So I think you've started to point to this with, well, a healthy inner critic is restored to the autumn, the inner autumn of the cycle. That's part of it. And another part of it, I think, is that there's this deeper purpose that the critic is serving. So can I be controversial? May I, if I may? I don't believe there's any such thing as a healthy critic.

It's our relationship. There's a healthy relationship. The critic is toxic. Well well the critic does what all critics love to do you know it just does its number it's it's meant to criticize and anything is fair game and so it's yes it's about having a healthy relationship with it that creates the, that releases the gold of the critic, that releases the, it's not even that there's a gold that comes from the critic, it's in the relationship with your critic, it's in the meeting of it, and hearing the things it has to say, and sort of sorting through them, saying that's toxic, you know, that's a load of old and and being able

to hear what oh actually yes that there's truth there and and how that emotionally kind of works you um that that something is revealed something matures something evolves in you. You know, I often, we often speak of the critic as the great awakener. It's the thing that wakes you up. It's the thing that punctures the little bubble of, you know, kind of illusion you have about yourself. And that puncturing could sort of annihilate you, or it could be an opening to stepping into, I have to occupy myself. Oh, I know the other phrase I love to use with the critic is, it's actually testing to see if anyone is home. And what I mean by that is, it goes, and, you know, if you collapse and give in, it's like uh and we all do that by the way that i mean i have to do that first off i have to go off i have to just shut down i have to go and have a

night's sleep and then the next day i go hang on a minute you know wait something in me wakes up so yes you you collapse but i you know ideally it is to go to be able to stop and hear it, and then something wakes up in you to meet it. And it's that waking up of something in you that's growing you. That's you claiming your sense of self. It's you claiming the integrity of your being. Yes, you may have messed up around certain things, but it's strengthening your capacity to hold yourself ultimately.

Shani, do you want to add some embellishments there? Just yes, yes to all of that. And, you know, I was thinking about it this morning, feeling, you know, my relationship with my critic and what that's done for me. And I feel like every time I rise to meet my critic, I discover that I'm able to accept more of myself. Oh, yes. That seems to be the only way that I can claim ground with my critic initially

is to accept the limitations of who I am, accept, you know, accept my shortcomings and really bring kindness to those parts of myself. But also, when I rise to meet my critic, I am recognizing myself, I'm actually really seeing myself. There's such a claiming of me that happens in those moments. And it brings this kind of newfound dignity and pride. And I can honestly say that my critic, I love my critic because it has taught me to love myself more and more. There is nothing else that does it in the way that my critic does. There's nothing quite like you. Baby, you're the best.

Oh, and what does it think about your singing? Oh, it's having a field day already although alexandria is just a total pro at this you know really if you want to get your critic on the back foot use humor it never expects humor it only expects you to fight back you know when you when you sort of uh when you when you give it a bone and go no you're right critic i complete you know the critics disarmed momentarily and when you use humor the critics like what huh what like the critic does not have a sense of you that's not have a sense of humor so you're winning no it doesn't i mean my favorite line when it's just being kind of reactive and sort of pavian in its reactions, I go, thanks for sharing. Thanks for sharing. Yes. Yes. Thanks for sharing.

This is a real breakthrough for me, because I've been trying to work with my critic as if it was a wise figure in my life which is different to what you're saying you're saying you know I've been saying oh like you know wise inner autumn voice tell me the truth about my marriage for example and then the critics are very happy to go well he's this and he's that and he's crap and he's this and he's that and I'm's crap, and he's this, and he's that. And I'm like, hmm, maybe you have wisdom for me. And actually, what you're saying is, the critic is doing its job, which is picking fault with this perfectly imperfect man that is my husband. Very well. My critic is so good at this. But that isn't wisdom speaking.'s my critic speaking and then the wisdom arises from my capacity to engage with that voice not believe it as the wise truth but engage with it in a creative way exactly it's calling you forward it's calling your presence your bigger

self you're championing your discernment exactly sophie jane it's a process i mean i always love to say that you know the critic is absolutely brilliant it's it's got razor sharp vision it can spot the tiniest minutest flaw in something but it's not wise it's not wise and but it's in you as shanice just said it's in your. It's not wise. And, but it's in, as Sharni's just said, it's in your relation and what you've just said. It's in your relationship with it that wisdom could be born. Because it awakens.

I actually profoundly feel this. And we say it in the menopause book. It awakens the forces of love. Yes. Say more about that. Oh, man, you're going to have to read the menopause book. I mean, but let's say something about the critic's role in menopause because that is, you know, that's a way of unpacking that. It is the way of unpacking it.

I mean, it's a sort of amplification of what we've been saying but so at menopause you go you go into the winter sort of phase of your soul soul's journey so it's a bit like the winter of you know like menstruation is the winter season and what i mean by that is it's stripped back. You are dropping all defences. You know, menopause strips away all the roles and identities you've held and and kind of leaves you sort of standing there naked, which this doesn't sound good, folks, does it? But let me tell you, this is the doorway to something awesome but to get to the awesomeness of that you have to face down some nemesises namely the nemesis of your critic because when you're most exposed you know that that all the shadow stuff comes up and um so the critic is really fierce and you don't you know you don't have that nice framing of cycle awareness now

because that's all gone so it's just you and that critic and you know whoops whoops whoops however the thing is hopefully this is our high dream that people will arrive at menopause having done years of cycle awareness and be tutored and trained in how to meet this figure so it's almost like this the critic is the ultimate sort of energy presence that you have to negotiate in the initiation of menopause so it's the ultimate kind of showdown around this thing of claiming yourself. So really, it's a real amplified version of what we've been talking about

when you come to your inner autumn and really hear your critic. So at menopause, you go into this process of being really exposed to it. And it's commenting, of course, on your whole life now. How great, you know, it's got 50 odd years to comment on and sort through and oof but hopefully you've developed some muscle and um and what happens is in meeting that figure i mean the you've got this amazing ally at menopause

because energy that's like an ally which is that and everyone who goes with menopause actually clocks this which is that you don't give a fuck in the same way suddenly you'll give a shit as we like to say drops away so there is a kind of devil may careness that happens at menopause so you know you can hear this critic going on but then there's this wild energy in you that goes who cares okay so it's almost like after years of the critic going oh you should have done this you haven't done no your relationship you go just piss off you know just it's this energy that can come up in you um this reactive energy that's actually going to serve you so you don't put it on the world and you bring that so it that there's a

kind of liberation that happens in you because the thing about getting older is um suddenly you realize geez death is on the horizon am i going to just keep pissing around with my life or am i actually going to just unleash myself and that's what can happen at menopause you can go wow i better pull my thumb out and do something with my life if you haven't already been doing it you know or something big or whatever it is and i can't it's there's a whole process that unfolds at menopause that's really bringing you into yourself and i'm giving a very very potted version um yes go ahead sean i was going to add alexandra that you know this critical energy is in fact this big no you know it's this force of no which you experience in doses during your

cycling years and then of course at menop, there's this incredible amplification of this no energy. And in the form of the critic, what it's calling forth in you is this big yes. You know, it's calling forth this yes, this yes to you, this yes to the life you've lived, this yes to all your faults and all your mistakes. And it's really calling forward this radical inclusivity. And that's when we talk about the awakening of love, that's what opens you to

this incredible experience of love is this profound yes to who you are, to the life you've lived to the world you're in and that's ah you know that's um it is actually really profound it it it's just as shan is describing it is this you just go oh wow you get you suddenly just this is who I am I'm never going to be very good at that who cares but I'm really good at this this is my particular brilliance and yes I'm a bit inept at this and that whatever but it doesn't matter I don't have to be brilliant at everything, but I am. But I love being this. I am particularly good at this, you know. And in that act, you then, your heart opens to yourself, but your heart opens to everybody else too.

You just, it's just extraordinary. I just feel this much bigger kindness and acceptance of other people's foibles. And it's very, very distinct and strong. And it all comes, wow, I feel a bit overcharged at the moment. I feel quite vulnerable saying all this. It's so interesting. And I can feel my critic on the edge. I'm having, in this moment, I can feel feel that figure and it's so interesting to just hold

the ground with myself and hold the charge in my being of the significance of what we're saying here of the extraordinary power that menopause can bring in terms of liberating yourself. And so when I come out, you know, coming because I'm 15 years on from menopause now, and guess what? My critic is alive and well, as it is right in this moment here with me. It feels much more like I have a working relationship with it rather than a tyranny that I'm paralyzed by because of this freedom I've had at menopause.

And and the ability to go, yeah, yeah, that I didn't do that. Well, that's not my strong point. Yeah, you wouldn't want to come to me for that. I'm much better at this you know and i don't just leave it there i realize of course you know because i have a position of responsibility and so on that i have to you know grow this skill so i say yes i can see that's a weakness and i've got to learn more here but because i have a better holding in myself i can hear that criticism and meet it better. I mean, I can still get wounded.

You never stop being wounded. But I have a sort of emotional immune system that kicks into gear quicker, that allows me to step up. And I've also developed, I do respect this voice in me. I do respect this voice in me. I do respect this figure. And I respect how it helps me to hone what I'm here to serve. And so, yes, my ego gets pricked. But what menopause gives you and has given me is a larger playing, a larger consciousness around that ego. So menopause awakens you to a larger consciousness.

And your process through menopause is learning to inhabit that consciousness and yeah you come out of it inhabiting that with your ego alive and well inside but you've got more i feel more presence i suppose i feel i have more now i've run out of words, but I feel I have more spaciousness and I have more self-acceptance in myself to meet this figure. Because, you know, if you're doing stuff in the world, every time you step up to a new project, up pops your critic again. Because it is a creative ally. So it has role you're going to you're going to step out with this new thing you need that creative ally yeah in closing i'm really with the people who might be listening who are under attack from their critic currently, who perhaps are early in this journey of understanding their critic, or, you know, have a really rough time in the premenstruum, and are paralyzed by their critic and are suffering a lot. You know, we've laughed a lot

in this conversation. And we have to because, blim to because blooming like you have to bring humor to this but there is a seriousness here isn't there that there are points in the cycle where the critic can be so intense that even you know very strong negativity can arise to the point where you know even suicidal ideation can happen and I so I'm thinking of someone, so they might be in the menopausal journey or they might be struggling with a premenstruum. Can we share a couple of practical ideas for what to do when you're in a critic attack, when it's very strong and very painful and very difficult?

What can we do in the moment? Something that really helps me is to take care of my nervous system in those moments, to find ways to de-escalate my system, to do things that I know help me to come back into my body, that help me to just feel a bit more present or softened somehow. And I know this is a, I know when you're under attack from your critic, it's a very adrenalized state and it can feel quite life or death. So just naming that your critic has turned up is going to give you some ground, just going, okay, that's my critic. My critic is attacking me. My critic is here.

And in that naming, there's this a little bit more space between you and that voice. And with that space, I then like to sort of find ways to soothe or settle myself. So that could mean just going outside and standing on the ground you know it could mean finding someone to hug or stroking a pet or dancing or doing some deep breathing or sort of engaging the senses in some way like I like to have an orange and I'll just

I'll just scratch the orange and that strong smell does like to have an orange and I'll just I'll just scratch the orange and that strong smell does something to my nervous system it's like it's a bit of a pattern interrupter yeah yeah that's it isn't it yeah I uh physically have to use my body like I go for walks I have to it's almost like I'm trying to out walk it and um but the walking sort of soothes me again it's the nervous system and often so i'm walking and my head is also then processing and often the head will go oh yes okay so the critic so i can actually start to hear the critic then and then through it so that can happen walking is so good you're right walking is so good yeah yeah because you're doing something with the left and right brain and everything but you're just physically

releasing the charge you know i have to walk quite strongly i mean it honestly feels like i would be trying to outrun it except that i can't but something happens um But also, I think getting getting help. I mean, even just talking, talking about it. I mean, Shani and I, you know, when we get stung, we will talk to each other. And and that sort of brings soothing and helps us to sift through what's real and not real. That I really feel if you're in a very difficult place, it's important to have a loving human being you can connect with. And I mean, maybe be a therapist that you go to, if it's really strong, I would highly, highly recommend getting some professional support. And it may also be that you've got just a good

friend that you can speak with yeah who doesn't try to fix anything sort of it's just about just being able to talk it out um it's very real and that's where a listening partnership can one of the places where a listening partnership is so helpful you know and in our programs we pair people up so that they have a listening partnership and that's a great place to bring I've done it before with my listening partner I'm going to let my critic speak to you now and then I let my critic rip and she gets to hear you know what my critic says and it's a space it's a contained space for me to let that, let it flow. Actually, could I just add one other thing, which is if you don't have another person that you can talk to, I have written it out in a journal.

I have written out all the shit in the journal. And it's so fascinating about sort of three quarters of the way through the writing, suddenly another voice kicks in and goes, hang a minute actually or whatever but it's another way of getting rid of the charge and and it's it's separating from it you're just finding another way to separate from it yeah yeah i also think music is incredibly helpful there are certain songs that if my critic is attacking me i can put them on and they've got enough bass and enough like meat to them that my critic can kind of jive with them but there's a positive momentum like for example I am here by Beyonce or I was here sorry by Beyonce it's so it's such a so full of purpose so I put that on and I sort of spelt the song out to my critic I was here you, you know, I just let it out. And it's like, okay, maybe she

means business. And I'm thinking, didn't you make an inner critic playlist, Sharni? Yes, I did. Oh, that's so good. It's exactly, Sophie, it's a bunch of tracks, which are all really ways of calling yourself forward, giving yourself the support or the championing or the cherishing that you need to face meet your critic that's good and you can dance to that and I actually often listen to the playlist myself I find it I love it I love it so we'll we'll link to that in the show notes and of course course, if this is inspiring you, come to the workshop because we're going to share all kinds of things. But one of the things we're going to share is how you can create strong foundations of buffering and ballast so that you can meet your critic and receive the wisdom that comes from that relationship. Brilliant. And here's a fun little game for anybody who decides to listen to that playlist

is to find the song in there that is a love song to your critic and sing it like you mean it. It's such a cheesy song, but the lyrics are so funny when you think of it as a love song to your critic spot the song thank you you too you know but I'm feeling a bit vulnerable as Guinness after this conversation and you might be too and so might our listeners so we can all do something to soothe ourselves now go for a walk listen to a song interesting thing isn't it when you expose yourself that's uh that's what happened to me just when I was talking about the metaphor stuff yeah feel that figure on the on the fringes we have a little trick up our sleeve which I'm going to offer to everyone

listening and I'm an offer to us as well whenever Alexandra and I finish doing something public afterwards we get together and we celebrate ourselves and we name what we did well and and what we pleased with and that creates a lovely seal of goodness around whatever you've done before the critic can get in there and poke its fingers so well what we do as part of that shan isn't is that we actually um acknowledge the critic in the sense we're going to come back to you you know in a day's time or two days time to do the critical analysis exactly we'll get to the critical review later yeah we'll have the critic we are we don't avoid the critical review but we don't let it happen right after whatever we've done because we're too vulnerable we're too exposed yeah yeah okay then final words let's all say one thing that we celebrate

about ourselves about this conversation and i'll start i celebrate that i felt that I was having a breakthrough moment and I decided to talk about it which was vulnerable I celebrate myself with that yes gosh I want to celebrate you for that because that moment was so uh exciting in the conversation so thank you so much for that. I'm celebrating the pleasure that I have felt in talking about a potentially awkward, difficult subject. I really set an intention before this call to enjoy myself. And I have, in spite of all my day 21-ness. I've even laughed. Yeah. I think I want to celebrate, Sophie, something similar to you,

because I suddenly felt when I was talking about menopause I put myself in that menopause territory which is very exposed and was feeling that vulnerability and suddenly I could feel my nervous system all sort of triggered and that's a celebrate that I named it and stayed and was able to speak about that intense vulnerability and how it is an opening to love yeah I suppose in a way it's about celebrating realness I mean these ideas are very very real to us we live them every day this is not a sort of neat package of how to solve the issue of your critic it's a very real ongoing somewhat dangerous at times conversation slash argument slash something else yeah and that we it's not like we've nailed our critics that only happens when I die

and on that note we shall finish that was definitely the best ending to a podcast ever I loved that deep dive into the inner critic I learned so much and I hope it was insightful and encouraging for you too if you want to go deeper with this work with the inner critic come to our inner critic online workshop it's on Monday the 14th of March and I'm going to drop the link to it in the podcast show notes at redschool.net forward slash podcast forward slash critic thank you for listening we so appreciate you tuning in and as always we'd be really grateful if you could leave a review on Apple Podcasts to help the podcast reach more people, we hope to be with you again next week. And until

then, don't let your inner critic stop you from living life according to your own brilliant rhythm.