The Misery Machine - The Life & Death of Ian Curtis: Love Will Tear Us Apart

Episode Date: September 28, 2020

As Suicide Prevention Month comes to a close, Yergy and Drewby discuss the life and death of Ian Curtis, who was an English singer-songwriter and musician. He was the lead singer and lyricist of the post-punk band Joy Division and recorded two albums with the group: Unknown Pleasures (1979) and Closer (1980). Curtis was known for his bass-baritone voice, dance style, and songwriting typically filled with imagery of desolation, emptiness, and alienation. Curtis suffered from severe epilepsy and depression and took his own life on the eve of Joy Division's first North American tour and shortly before the release of Closer. While there are some different theories as to why Curtis did it, the general consensus is because of his severely compromised quality of life due to his largely uncontrolled epilepsy. Unfortunately, the advancements of modern medicine had not yet caught up when Curtis was alive, and because of this, medication was virtually no help to him. His death lead to the band's dissolution and the subsequent formation of New Order.  We discuss our own personal struggles with chronic health conditions and the failure of the for-profit health care system in the United States - and how dealing with illness and medical debt can lead to hopelessness and despair, and ultimately suicide in some cases.  Suicide Hotlines Worldwide: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html LGBTQ+ Lifeline: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yourself/lgbtq/ Veterans Crisis Line: https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/ Join Our Facebook Group to Request a Topic: https://t.co/DeSZIIMgXs?amp=1 Support Our Patreon For More Unreleased Content: https://www.patreon.com/themiserymachine PayPal: https://www.paypal.me/themiserymachine Instagram: miserymachinepodcast Twitter: misery_podcast Discord: https://discord.gg/kCCzjZM #podcast #documentary #truecrime #suicideawareness #suicideawarenessmonth #mentalhealth Source Material: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ian_Curtis https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joy_Division https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/ian-curtis-of-joy-division-commits-suicide  

And this week, we are closing Suicide Prevention Awareness Month out with a case near and dear to our hearts. Ian Curtis, we're both big Joy Division and New Order fans. But also, I felt this important because there's somebody who took their life because they felt forced to do medical conditions. If you're listening on YouTube, please hit like and subscribe. We just hit a thousand subs. Yes. So thank you so much. We released a video, a celebration video, a couple days ago.

but I just wanted to say again thank you to everyone who's been supporting us and spent time with us and went that extra step just to get us that far. We owe it all to you guys. So thank you so very much. But without further ado, the case of Ian Curtis was born on July 15, 1956 at the Memorial Hospital at Stretford, Lancashire, England, and grew up in a working class household in McElwesfield, Cheshire. or Cheshire, as I hear some people say. I think it's Cheshire. I think it's Cheshire, too. He was the first of two children born to Kevin and Doreen Curtis. From an early age, Curtis was a bookish and intelligent child, displaying a particular

flair for poetry. He was awarded a scholarship at the age of 11 at McElfield's Independent King's School. Here he developed his interests in philosophy, literature, and poetry. While at King's School, he was awarded several scholastic awards and recognition of his abilities, particularly in the ages of 15 and 16. The year after Ian had graduated from King's school, the Curtis family purchased a house from a relative and moved to New Moston. As a teenager, Curtis chose to perform social services by visiting the elderly as part of a school program. While visiting, he and his friends would steal any prescription drugs they had found and would later take

them as a group. On one occasion when he was 16 after consuming a large dosage of largatil he and his friends had stolen, Curtis was discovered unconscious in his bedroom by his father and was taken to the hospital to have his stomach pumps. So Largactyl, I believe, is an antipsychotic, but don't quote me on it. That's not a term I've heard in a long time. Curtis had held, and why are kids taking antipsychotic? Like, how is that a party drug? I think that kids are just going and finding pills and not, you know, there wasn't any way to research what this did back then. There wasn't Google to Google drugs. They're just taking a bunch of drugs that old people have, and they're going to see if they can't get high off it.

Yeah, I guess that makes sense. So me, in my day, they're just like, hey, my grandparents are cancer patients. Let's take their oxy cotton. That's mostly what was going around my school. I don't know. At my school, there wasn't really a ton of that. However, my sister had a friend when she was like a freshman who was snorting

Kalanapin, like a lot of it and died. Oh, my God. Curtis had held a keen interest in music since the age of 12, and this interest developed greatly in his teenage years, with artists such as Jim Morrison and David Bowie being particular favorites of his, and thus influencing his poetry and art, Curtis could seldom afford to purchase records, leading him to frequently steal them from local shops. By his mid-teens, Curtis had also developed a reputation among his peers as a strong-willed individual

with a keen interest in fashion. So despite gaining 9-0 levels at King's School and briefly studying A-levels in history and divinity at St. John's College, Curtis soon became disenchanted with academic life and abandoned his studies to commit himself to finding employment. Despite abandoning his studies at St. John's College, Curtis continued to focus on the pursuit of art, literature, music, and would gradually draw lyrical and conceptual inspiration from evermore insidious subjects. Curtis obtained a job at a record shop at Manchester City Center before obtaining more stable employment within the civil service. His employment as a civil servant saw Curtis initially deployed to Cheatholome, I hope I said that correct. I think you did.

Where he worked for several months with the Ministry of Defense, before he was offered alternate employment within the Manpower Services Commission in a building in Piccadilly Gardens. He later worked as a civil servant in Woodford, Greater Manchester, although at his request approximately one year later, Curtis was posted to McElfield Employment Exchange, where he worked as an assistant disablement resettlement officer. I did not know any of this about him. So really interesting thing about this, that employer, the last employer here, the one for the disablement resettlement, they dedicated an apartment complex to him. So you just pulled this up for me on the phone. It's a really nice plaque. It's the cover of Unknown Pleasures, the Joy Division album, Unknown Pleasures. And it says 1978 to 1979.

I assume that's when he had worked there. Yeah, this actually says here that the dates 1978 to 1979 is when he worked there. When the 23rd of August 1975, Curtis married Deborah Woodruff, who he was introduced to by a friend, Tony Nuttall. Ian and Deborah initially became friends, then began dating in December of 1972 when both of them were 16 years old. Their wedding service was conducted at St. Thomas Church in Henbury, Cheshire. Curtis was 19 and Woodruff was 18. They had one child, a daughter named Natalie, born on April 16, 1979. Initially, the couple lived with Ian's grandparents,

although shortly after their marriage, the couple moved to a working class neighborhood in Chatterton. They paid a mortgage while working in jobs neither of them enjoyed. I understand that. Before long, the couple became disillusioned with life and old them and remortgaged their house before briefly returning to live with Ian's grandparents. Shortly thereafter, in May 1977, the couple moved into their own house in Barton Street, McElwesfield,

with one of the rooms of the property becoming colloquial. locally known between the couple as Curtis's, quote, songwriting room. And this is the more famous house that later became a museum. Okay. All right. I was wondering that. Yes, this is the final house. So at a July 1976 sex pistols gig at Manchester's lesser free trade hall, Curtis encountered three of his childhood school friends named Bernard Sumner, Peter Hook, and Terry Mason. The trio informed Curtis, whom they had seen at earlier punk gigs at the electric circus,

of their intentions of forming a band, and Curtis informed them of his then recent efforts to do likewise, before proposing himself as a singer and lyricist. Initially, Mason became the band's drummer, but his rehearsal sessions were largely unproductive, and he briefly became the band's manager. The group then unsuccessfully attempted to recruit several drummers before selecting Stephen Morris in August of 1977. The band was later managed by Rob Gretton, who, having already seen Joy Division performed live, venues such as Rafters, offered to become their manager in 1978. Initially, the band named themselves Warsaw from the title of a song on David Bowie's then-released album, which I think is David Bowie's best album. But as this name somewhat conflicted with that

of a London-based group named Warsaw Pact, they renamed themselves Joy Division. So this moniker was derived from the 1955 novel The House of Dolls, which featured a Nazi concentration camp with a sexual slavery wing called the Joy Division. The cover of the band's first EP depicted a drawing of a Hitler youth beating a drum, and the A-Sai contained a song Warsaw, which was a musical retelling of the life of Nazi leader Rudolf Hess. A lot of people forget this type of, and it's not that the band were neo-Nazis. This was a thing in the 70s, people would elude something like that.

There's a lot of, like, Nazi illusions going on. Yeah, and it's not that these people themselves were Nazis. I mean, they're definitely. definitely were like Nazi skins and stuff like that in punks, Nazi punks. I mean, Sid Vicious openly wore swastika shirt all the time. I mean, people might call him a Nazi today for wearing that stuff, but... I think he was just doing it to be an edge lord. Yeah, he was really just trying to be edgy.

And that's, I think a thing was going on in punk music in England at the time is people were trying to be edgy. And just punk in general, I know it's become a lot more rounded out now. People aren't really doing this anymore. but punk in these days was about being edgy and about pushing boundaries because there was rebelling in that, I guess. I'm not defending it. Just people are wondering like, oh.

That is why they did it. Yeah. Well, I just, if you don't know punk music, you're coming into this and you're hearing this stuff, you're like, wow, they were pushing Nazi culture. This is a fetishizing Nazis. And you'd be correct in assuming that until you think about why people were doing it in that period of time so you get to understand just the real reasons people doing this. They weren't Nazis.

Was it right for them to do? No, but I think it's important to understand what was going on there. Because, again, if you're just the casual listener, you might think all these people are Nazis. They weren't. No, they weren't. After founding factory records with Alan Arathmus, Tony Wilson signed the band to his label following the band's first appearance on the TV show he hosted, so it goes in September of 1978. This appearance had been largely prompted by an abuse of letter sent to Wilson by Curtis and saw the band played the song Shadowplay. While performing with Joy Division, Curtis became known for his quiet and awkward demeanor,

and a unique dancing style often reminiscent of the epileptic seizures he began experiencing in late 1978. Although predominantly a singer, Curtis also played guitar on a handful of tracks. Initially, Curtis played Sumner's Shergold Masquerader, but in September 1979, he acquired his own guitar, which was a Vox Phantom 6 special, which had many built-in effects used both live and studio, which Sumner later inherited after his death. These two guitars are, I mean, not just the exact guitars themselves, but if you wanted to get your own version of these guitars, they're so hard to come by nowadays as they're not currently in production anymore. Curtis's widow claimed that in October

of 1979, Curtis began an affair with Belgian journalist and music promoter Anik Honore, whom he had first met in a gig held in Brussels that month. Reportedly, despite the fact that he had for many years exhibited a somewhat controlling attitude with their relationship, them, meaning him and his widow, which had included minimizing an opportunity for his wife to come into contact with other men. Curtis was consumed with guilt over this affair due to being married and the father of their baby daughter, Natalie, and at the same time, he was still yearning to be with Honor. On one occasion in 1980, Curtis asked Bernard Sumner to make a decision on his behalf as to whether he should remain with his wife or form a deep relationship with Honor. Sumner refused.

Honor I claimed in a 2010 interview that although she and Curtis had spent extensive periods of time in each other's company, the relationship had always been platonic. So there's some reason to back this up because people are like, well, why would it just be platonic? Well, with Curtis's epilepsy, the meds he was on, the side effects he was suffering from, he couldn't physically have sex. And that's just the unfortunate side thing of this. So it was purely an emotional relationship, according to Honor. And I would be... Inclient to probably agree with that. Different medications do some really terrible things.

Yeah, especially to men and anything involving, like, meds that you take for the brain. It's really easy for them to mess with your sex drive, mess with your ability to get an erection. That's just how it is. So Curtis's bandmates later recollected that Ian Curtis began to become slag. lofty and distant from them after he became acquainted with Honoré, who at the time was demanding of his time and attention. So these facts would occasionally invoke pranks directed himself and Honorary from the rest of his bandmates.

He became a vegetarian, likely at Enique Honoré's behest, although he was known to have eaten meat when not in her presence. And I can attest, being somebody who's grown up in high school, I have known plenty of men who became vegetarian or vegan just to appease their girlfriend. So I find that totally believable. Curtis began suffering epileptic seizures in late 1978. He was officially diagnosed with the condition on January 23rd of the following year. With his particular case being described by doctors as so severe,

his, quote, life would be ruled to obsolescence by his severe epilepsy without the various strong dosages of medication he was prescribed. So having joined the British Epilepsy Association, Curtis was initially open to discuss his condition with anyone who inquired, although he soon became withdrawn and reluctant to discuss any issues regarding his condition beyond the most mundane and necessary aspects. On each occasion, it became apparent a particular prescribed medication failed to control Curtis's seizures. His doctor would prescribe a different anti-convulsant, and his wife noted his being, quote, full of renewed enthusiasm, end quote, that this particular formulation would help bring his seizures under control.

Unfortunately, there was nothing really that ended up working for his epilepsy, as we'll find as we go forward with this. So throughout 1979 and 1980, Curtis's condition gradually worsened amid the pressure of performances and touring, with the seizures becoming more frequent and more intense. Following his diagnosis, Curtis continued to drink, smoke, and maintain an irregular sleeping pattern, against the advice commonly given to those suffering from this condition. The medications Curtis was prescribed for his condition produced numerous side effects, including extreme mood swings. This change in personality was also observed by Curtis's wife, family and in-laws, who noted how taciturn he had become in his wife's company.

Following the birth of his daughter in April 1979, because of the severity of his medical condition, Ian was seldom able to hold his baby daughter in case he compromised the child's safety. So at the time of the recording of the band's second album, Curtis's condition was particularly severe. With him enduring a weekly average of two seizures. On one occasion during these recordings, Curtis's bandmates became concerned when they noted he had been absent from the recording studio for two full hours. The band's bassist, Peter Hook, one of my biggest influences, discovered Ian Curtis unconscious on the floor of the studio's bathroom. He had hit his head on the sink following a seizure. Despite instances such as this, Peter Hook stated that largely through ignorance of the condition,

he, Sumner, and Morris did not know really how to help him. In one incident at a concert held before almost 3,000 people at the Rainbow in Finsbury Park in April of 1980, the lighting technicians at the venue, contrary to instructions given to them by Rob Gretton prior to the gig, switched on strobe lights midway through Joy Division's performance, causing Curtis to almost almost immediately stagger backwards and collapse against Stephen Morris's drum kit in the throes of an evident seizure. He had to be carried offstage to the band's dressing room to recuperate. So yeah, this is a really big thing, especially strobes. I know people say, you know, watching anime will give seizures. It's actually really a true thing. So a friend of mine, I'm not going to

like, you know, give their name or anything like that because obviously it's a medical condition. Several years ago, I went to go see the cure down in Boston. And the opening act was a, you know, post-punk band out of Scotland almost the entirety of their stage show was just these really obnoxious strobe lights well this friends was up in the stands and didn't know he had epilepsy and this triggered it off what was the band that opened it I don't I cannot remember something something sad right Twilight sad Twilight sad yeah that's what I thought they they open for the cure their have been in their past few tours it was the twilight sad in their entirety of it was just strobes the whole time. So my friend, who also was in a wheelchair, had a seizure up in the top

of the stands and had to be taken off to Mass General. Oh, my God. And he had no idea to epilepsy until that happens. And I know people with epilepsy, but it's very much under control with modern medication. However, when I think of epilepsy and controversies, I think of when I was younger and the show Pokemon was a cartoon, a very popular cartoon. Well, there was a band episode involving the Pokemon Poregon, if you're familiar with the first 150 of them, or 151. And what happened was they were going in through cyberspace. Porrigan is a Pokemon basically comprised of some sort of like cyberspace material. I don't completely understand it, but it was never aired in the U.S. And the reason for this was because there was very fast bright flashing lights in certain parts of that episode.

And when they played it, a bunch of people who had no idea they had any history of epilepsy ended up seizing right in front of their TVs. Then a bunch of Japanese news stations played the clip from the episode on the evening news that night. And a bunch more people had epileptic seizures. So from what I understand, the episode has been destroyed. I believe. I think there's some clips online that some people have gotten, but has never been translated to English. It's never been released in America. I'm going to try it out after this episode. You're trying watching it. I just don't. I'm going to try to find it on YouTube. I would prefer not to watch it. Though I have played some games that give warnings for epileptics

before playing, and I've never had any issue. So who knows? Maybe I wouldn't be affected, but I remember that. That was a huge widespread controversy. I think this was like 97 or 98, and I was part of the palace chat room at the time and a lot of people on there were very well versed with Japanese media and Japanese news sources. So I was able to find that out before the internet really had such wide coverage back then. And that just like blew my mind as a kid. When Curtis had recovered from this first seizure, he was adamant the band travel west to Hampstead to honor their commitment to perform their second gig of the evening at this location. Although some 25 minutes into the second gig, Curtis's dancing started to lose its rhythmic sense and changed into something entirely different before he collapsed on the floor and experienced the most violent seizure he had endured to date.

So if you haven't seen a Joy Division performance, I would look up, there's a live video of She's Lost Control. It's a very popular one. And towards the end, he starts doing this very, very spastic dancing. And he looks like his eyes are wide. He looks almost frightened when he does it like he's just caught up in the moment. I stress this so that way people know why they might not have known immediately it was a seizure because he has this almost seizure-like quality to his dancing as it was. I might try to find some clips to include in the YouTube video so people will know exactly what we're talking about. Yeah, exactly. I think we can include part of it. I mean... Without sound. Yeah, we'd have to take the sound out, but the video itself, I believe, is fair use. We just can't play the song. So Curtis's onstage dancing was often reminiscent of the seizures he experienced and has been termed by some to be his, quote, epilepsy dance.

So throughout Joy Division's live performances in 79 in 1980, Curtis collapsed several times while performing and had to be carried off stage, as I mentioned. To minimize any possibility of Curtis having epileptic seizures, flashing lights were prohibited at Joy Division gigs. Despite these measures, Bernard Sumner later stated that certain percussion effects would cause Curtis to start. suffer a seizure. Now, what does this mean? So Stephen Morris didn't just use an acoustic drum kit. He also had a drum pad, which is basically a trigger for certain electronic sound effects. If you watch the She Lost Control video, you'll see what I'm talking about. He hits it to have this echoing Tom effect that can only be produced through a computer, really. So some of those sounds were known to set him off, though it wasn't really clear what exactly, it seemed to be kind of a

random thing from what I understand. In April of 1980, Terry Mason was appointed as a minder to ensure Curtis took his prescribed medications and avoided taking alcohol and got enough sleep, as these things can all very much impact somebody with epilepsy. Curtis's final live performance with Joy Division was on May 2nd, 1980, at the High Hall of Birmingham University, and included Joy Division's first and only performance of ceremony, later recorded by New Orleans. order and released as their debut single. I love that song. Yeah, it's a very good song. The final song Curtis performed on stage with Joy Division prior to his death was digital. Following Curtis's first definite suicide attempt on April 6th, 1980, Tony Wilson and his partner,

Lindsay, expressing deep concern as to Joy Division's intense touring schedule being detrimental to Ian Curtis's physical and mental well-being, invited him to recuperate at their cottage in Charlsworth. While there, he is known to have written several letters. to Honoray, proclaiming his love for her as he recuperated. And by early 1980, Ian Curtis's marriage to his wife, Deborah, was basically suffering as she had commenced divorce proceedings after he had failed to cease all contact with Honor. Curtis enjoyed the solitude, but had never been mentally equipped for living alone. And I've heard this before from people who don't really struggle with mental health,

but then they go to living alone, and they find it to be a struggle that they never intend. So I can believe that. He was having difficulty balancing his family obligations with his musical ambitions, and his health was gradually worsening as a result of his epilepsy, thus increasing his dependence upon others. On the evening before his death, Curtis informed Bernard Sumner of his insistence upon seeing his wife that evening. He had also made firm plans to rendezvous with his bandmates at the Manchester airport the following day before their departure for America.

So something we might have left out is they were. were about to embark on their first American tour. It was going to be a lengthy tour at that. I can't remember how many dates, but this was a big deal for them. They already had quite a buzz in the UK, so this was the next step to them being an international success. However, on the evening of May 17, 1980, Ian Curtis asked Deborah to drop her impending divorce proceedings. She replied that it was likely that he would have changed his mind by the following morning, and then mindful of his previous suicide attempt and also concerned that his state of anxiety and frustration might drive Curtis into an epileptic fit offered to spend the night in his company. Deborah then drove to her

parents home to inform them of her intentions. When she returned to the couple's home at 77 Barton Street in Macklesfield, Cheshire, his demeanor had changed and he informed his wife of his intentions to spend the night alone, first making her promise not to return to the house before he had taken his scheduled 10 a.m. train to Manchester to meet up with his bandmates. He has attempted suicide once before in the past. I believe he tried to overdose on prescription medication. Yes. However he failed at doing so. This is something that a lot of people forget that he attempted suicide previously. And not that I want to put any fault on the bandmates of the people around him, I'm just surprised that this didn't push them to want to get further help for him.

I will say that we have to kind of remember these people are really young. Yes, they're very young. They were hitting it big. You know, when you're that young, you're hitting it big. You're kind of just thinking me, me, me. I believe some of them were still teenagers at the time, or early 20s at the most. So you just have to think of what kind of person you are then. And now you come from working class nothing.

You're a punk band that might hit it big. Punk bands aren't supposed to hit it big. Now you're given all this like promise of success and all this opportunity. all this potential, you're kind of blinded by that. So that's where I can offer some sympathy as to why people didn't wake up to this immediately. In the early hours of the next morning, Curtis died by suicide at the age of 23. He had used the kitchen's washing line to hang himself after having written a note to Deborah in which she declared his love for her despite his recent affair with Honor. Deborah found his body soon after. In her biography, touching from a distance,

Deborah recalls finding her husband's body and initially thinking that he was still alive before noticing the washing line around his neck. According to Tony Wilson, Curtis spent the few hours before his suicide watching Werner Herzog's 1977 film Strazek and listening to Iggy Pop's 1977 album The Idiot. His wife recollected that he had taken photographs of their wedding and their baby daughter off the walls, apparently to view them as he composed his suicide note. At the time of Ian Curtis's suicide, Joy Division, as I said on the eve of their debut North American tour. And Deborah Curtis had stated that Ian had viewed the upcoming tour with extreme trepidation,

not only because of his extreme fear of flying. He had pushed for travel by ship, but they wouldn't allow this. But it was also because he had expressed deep concerns as to how American audiences would react to his epilepsy. She claimed that Ian Curtis had confided in her on several occasions that he held no desire to live past his early 12. He'd expressed to both Deborah and Honoré his deep concerns that his medical condition was likely to kill him, in addition to causing him to receive mockery from audiences and that this mockery would only increase when performing before American audiences on the upcoming tour. And if you're an American listening to this, you might wonder, well, you know, why would you be particularly worried about that here, especially if you've already faced fans in the UK. We're assholes. Yeah, we are.

And knowing some people who I've had some friends over the years from the UK or has spent a decent amount of time in the UK, Americans are kind of looked at as brash and rude and just very insulting people in general. Especially us in New England. Yeah. But all of America kind of has that. You know, we don't have manners. We're very forthright and in an inappropriate way. So you have to think about, you know, we don't have the internet back then. how many people have they come into contact with who are actually Americans. It's reasonable to have these preconceived notions and why that would add to his anxiety on top of the fact already suffering from a medical condition that, you know, at the time, nobody really had a cure for or had any real medication to help control it.

That and the Americans wouldn't know what's going on. So like now you have the internet, we would know, you know, ahead of time going to a Joy Division show that Ian might see. and would know what to prepare. But, you know, this was pre-Internet times in the 70s and 80s. They would have no way of knowing what to expect going to a club. And please forgive me if this comes off as me kind of making light of this. But honestly, knowing Americans, knowing the punk scene at that period of time, I think if they saw Joy Division, they saw Ian Curtis doing what he does on stage and even if he has a seizure or not, I think that that would be a gimmick, something that people would be like,

oh man, you see that show or that guy had a seizure, dude, that was so cool. Like, I think it's something that Americans would have like- That's exactly what would have happened. Would have eaten up. I think it would have made them blow up. And again, I'm not trying to make light of it like that. I just think that's how Americans- That's just how they are.

And that's how the scene was back then. For sure. I mean, look at G. Yeah, he wasn't. Look at why G.G. Allen blew up. You know, he wasn't anything special back then. It's a different time period, too, but still, it's like the same idea. Yeah.

I mean, nine years later, maybe. roughly anyway. It's really sad because I think there is a very, very strong chance that Ian Curtis would have been very well received. Joy Division would have been a massive success, and I think there would have been raised awareness for people suffering from epilepsy if he chose to be in the spotlight. So it's really a shame. It really is. According to Lindsay Reed, Curtis had informed her shortly before his death of his belief that with his epilepsy, he could no long perform live with the bands. In addition, he had claimed that with the impending release of Closer, he believed that the band had hit an artistic pinnacle.

Wilson later said that it was likely that Curtis saw his act of suicide as somewhat altruistic. Yeah, it's been theorized that he committed suicide basically to save his band, so his band could go on and be successful without him, completely disregarding the fact that he was watching. wildly important to their success thus far. Kind of jumping ahead here, but New Order almost didn't form. They almost hung it up after his death. They didn't feel like they could go forward. Despite New Order being successful nowadays, none of them, and they will be the first to admit all this,

none of them are anywhere near the vocalist that Ian is was. It's really a shame that he sold himself so short. Curtis's body was cremated at the McElwifield Creamer, on May 23, 1980. In his ashes were buried at the McEltsfield Cemetery. A memorial stone inscribed with Ian Curtis, 18580, and Love Will Tears Apart, which is probably Joy Division's most well-known song, was placed above his ashes. This memorial stone was unfortunately stolen in mid-2008.

A replacement bearing the same inscription was placed in the same location. A central mowing stone used to held floral tributes was reported to stone. stolen from the grave recently, actually, in August of 2019. I didn't know about that. I believe that's the little cup thing. Numerous New Order songs reference him and pay tribute to Ian Curtis. The track's ICB, which I believe is off their first album, is an acronym of Ian Curtis, comma, buried.

And there's also the hymn from, I was right, their debut album movement before referring to his passing. The instrumental track, and this is one of my favorites, I think it's a pronounced Elegia, released in 1985 was also written in his memory. And if you're going to listen to Elysia, I would highly recommend you listen to the extended version. It is very, very good. If you don't like New Order because you hate Bernard Sumner's voice, I get it.

This is an instrumental track, and they're all excellent musicians. It's a very good track. I can't say enough good things about it. The 2002 song, Here to Stay, was Dedicated Ian Curtis, as well as Rob Gretton and Martin Hannett, who I believe had passed at that point. In 2014, the house in which Curtis committed suicide went on sale.

Upon hearing the news, a fan initiated a campaign via Indiegogo to raise the funds to purchase the house with intentions to preserve the property as a museum to Curtis and Joy Division. Unfortunately, the campaign only raised 2,000 British pounds out of the intended final goal of 150,000 pounds. The money, however, that was raised was later donated to Epilepsy Society and Mind Charities. Upon hearing of the failure of the project, an entrepreneur and musician named Hatter Goldman purchased the property, offering to pay 75,000 pounds compensation on top of the requested house price of 125,000 pounds in order to secure the purchase of 77 Barton Street. Thus reversed the transaction sale from the private purchaser, which at the time was already in process, so it was basically enclosing at that point. Justifying his decision, Goldman stated that he intended the property to act as a joyouser. Division Museum and as a digital hub to support musicians and other artists worldwide.

From what I understand, that project is still in process and hasn't been finished yet. Yeah, I haven't found any update since 2015. However, if we're ever in the Manchester area, I'm going to find it. I'm going to find it. I'm going to get some pictures in front of it. Yes, absolutely. So why did we choose this last week of Suicide Prevention Awareness Month? Well, we're both Joy Division fans.

Well, we're both Joy Division fans, but with the last two, we have. had one that was more of a mental health. The second one was feeling forced into suicide based on really awful events in our society by the way it's set up and the way our government is run. This is more of like a death with dignity, quality of life one. It's a medical thing. Yeah. You know, it's not necessarily that he was naturally a depressed person, but because of his medical condition and what he was suffering from, how much it hurt. hurt his quality of life and how he felt like and wasn't really given any promise that it was going to get any better. He felt the need to take his life. If you're suffering from something

like this that seems terminal that there's no hope and sight for, it can feel very tempting to just end it all because life is suffering at that point and life isn't supposed to be suffering in that way. But something that's sad about this is that had he been born five years later or just decide to gut through it for another five, seven years. There was a major breakthrough in medication and treatment for epileptics. And now epilepsy is considered a very, very manageable condition that people can live completely normal lives with. I know a few people myself.

And this was just towards an advancement in medication. And of course, at the time, how was Ian going to know this? Ian was on and off so many different medications and they weren't helping him. So it's understandable that he'd feel that way. Yeah, it's really hard. I'm mixed. I'm very, very pro death with dignity. We actually finally got it passed in Maine.

I had an uncle who had terminal brain cancer, and he lived out in Oregon. And I don't know really the reasoning why he didn't take that route. He ended up dying by suicide by his own means due to his brain cancer. But we see a lot of it in different ways. Like we had someone here. I don't really know them personally, but I know a lot of. of people that do who was young and was suffering with Crohn's and kind of did the same thing here, didn't want to deal with it anymore. So basically, this was before the death of dignity stuff,

passed in Maine, basically put himself in hospice and let himself die. And nowadays, we have a lot better treatment for Crohn's. We do, yeah. So it's hard. It's a really hard thing. I remember watching a glass jaw vid from the 90s. I think it was mid to late 90s. And the singer has violent Crohn's disease. It's had so many feet of his intestines removed. His name is Daryl Palumbo. And he was playing a benefit for people suffering with Crohn's disease. I remember him saying something like, you know, you need to raise money this for the young kids. I mean, I could die tomorrow. It's not about me at this point. It's for these kids. And it just blows me away to like be thinking about that. And his album, everything you ever want to know about silence, a lot of the themes surrounding what it's

like to be in a hospital for multiple days, have nobody visit you, have people. forget about you to be 18 and knowing that you could die any minute. And Crohn's is a very, very vicious disease. I like to connect the two because now, from what I understand, Daryl is living a much healthier, much more comfortable life. He doesn't have to cancel tours for Crohn's anymore. It's very much manageable. And at the time, even though it was partially manageable, the medications were very expensive. And if you don't have health insurance and some people, health insurance don't cover certain prescription drugs. Like you're paying hundreds of dollars a month.

And this just contributes to, I'm not going to get all political and stuff, but our lack of quality of health care, our lack of avenues for poor people, working class people to get affordable health care. The amount of health care debt, people commit suicide over debt, over debt, medical debt at that. You know, wasn't seeking medical treatment. supposed to be a benefit for your life, not something that makes you now choose between your existence and trying to support your family. And so much goes undiscovered. So for example, last year I missed a whole bunch of my labs that I was supposed to be doing.

And I bring this up because I had my annual exam today. And my doctor had asked why I had done that. Well, it's because I was indebted in the same year with all of this debt because I had to keep going in for ultrasounds and biopsies. for thyroid cancer. And I ended up like not having it, but I'm not going to not do that. I know so many people. And I ask you to think of how many people you know, usually older people, who have something wrong, they should get checked out. And they're like, uh, no, no, I'm not doing it. No, I don't have time for that. I can't afford it. I hear the I can't afford it a lot. And a lot of people act like they're too proud. Sometimes I wonder if it's the money. I really do. A lot of people don't get things checked out because the first thing they think of is can I afford this. I remember one time

I had a bunch of labs run. I was lucky that my insurance picked this up because when I got the EOB back for the labs, it was over $1,000. I've talked about this before how I suffered from Lyme disease for a long time and it went undiagnosed. I was working for a hospital at the time that if you had all medical care done at their hospital, it would be covered 100% for employees. So thank you. Thank you. Thankfully, at the time, I could get all my Lyme disease blood draws there and blood draws for the co-infections. I'd have my blood checked a lot. I had to be checked for Lyme disease a lot because of going through treatment, they want to see. Is it gone? Is it still there? I never got an EOB for any of that because it was just written off in the billing department.

But I remember times they would take several vials of blood. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but I'm pretty sure one time they took like 12 vials. It's not just the draw you pay for. It's for the analysis and lab. And if you're ordering a lab that is, or a panel that's not commonly given, it is more expensive. It is much more expensive. These things add up. Even if you can just avoid the visit and get your blood drawn, you're pain out the nose. So let's just take my screening this year, for example.

I have to go every single year and have my thyroid ultrasound to make sure that the nodes that are on my thyroid, haven't grown into cancer. So this year, my out of pocket initially when I went to get it done was over $400 just for the ultrasound. I thought this is all good to go. A couple weeks later, I get another bill in the mail because now I have to pay for the pathologist to read it. So that was another $60 on top of it. So every year, I'm shelling out almost $500 US to make sure that I don't have cancer. I'm not going to skip it. I had spent upwards of five figures worth of money to try to figure out what was wrong with me when I was suffering with undiagnosed Lyme disease. I went to so many specialists.

I had so many tests done. I went to multiple appointments. I went to psychiatrists because they thought it was in my head. Like so many things and nobody not once mentioned Lyme disease. I only got tested for Lyme disease on a whim because my mother suggested. that I get tested for Lyme disease. And honestly, I didn't even think it was going to come up positive. And when it did, I almost thought I was being lied to because it had been almost 10 years with the disease. And I'm not going to make this all about my Lyme disease. But I mean, here's how I can relate to Ian Curtis's story.

My body was a cage. I was athletic in high school. I was doing martial arts. I was running. I was lifting. I felt in very good physical condition. One day I was running in my knee just blew. out. I didn't know why. And then I just started hurting all my joints. I would do lifts, proper form and everything, and just my shoulder comes out, hurt my ankle, hurt my wrist. I've hurt almost every joint in my body. And it got to the point. I couldn't do physical things. I couldn't even walk down the street without limping. And I basically had to keep myself in a bubble. I couldn't even do proper physical therapy exercises without having some sort of issue. On top of that, I was having very severe brain fog and it was getting worse.

I had finished my associate's degree by the skin of my teeth, staying up all night, forcing myself to do this. Then I go to school for my bachelor's, and with two weeks in, I cancel all my classes. I get the refund because I knew I could no longer hat college. I knew that I could not write papers anymore because the brain fog was just so, terrible and I didn't have any quality of life anymore. I really didn't. And for a long period of time, my body started decaying. I was skinny fat. I felt like I was useless to anybody, including myself, that I couldn't get anything done. A lot of people pushed me towards disability and I was just so

stubborn. I was like, no, I'm not doing this. I'm going to live a normal life. I have to. And yeah, the thought of suicide comes up because what kind of life is this? What kind of life when you You can't even go out and enjoy life. I can't even go for a walk for a period of time without hurting something. I can't even work most jobs without losing time. I would lose time during the day unless I was actively interacted with. Like I needed stimulation constantly or else I would literally lose time. I'm not kidding.

I would lose time. I would just realize two hours had gone by. It's the most ridiculous thing. And if you have Lyme disease, you might know what I'm talking about. The thought of suicide comes up because you're just like, Like if I'm like this in my 20s, how am I going to be in my 30s, my 40s, my 50s? Things feel very bleak. And on top of all the medical bills, when you're working just to pay for your medical bills, it's, I just, I can't even express to you how suffocating this says.

Thankfully, I was stubborn enough and I kept pushing forward for many, many years. And I got an answer. And the treatment was not quick. It took a few years and several rounds of different kinds of treatment. and I'm Lyme free today, but I could have taken another way out. And so I guess my point here is two things. One, if you're suffering with something and you think that there's no hope, there's no answer, there's no way forward, just keep going, just keep going because I now am living better

than I ever had before. If you have terminal cancer or something, I know this message doesn't really resonate with you, but if you have something more like I did, keep going, keep trying to not give up. Do not let doctors dissuade. You don't let them tell you what's all in your head. Just keep going. I mean, even if you have terminal cancer, if you have a good quality of life still, the idea that you can keep going can help things. To lengthen your final years. Yeah. To have some quality of life in those moments. I mean, look at Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who had terminal cancer. Well, our lungs and went to her pancreas and that's basically when you're done. Yeah, and still hung on for so long.

And speaking of pancreatic cancer, look at Alex Trebek, who has pancreatic cancer and still alive with nothing but his can-do attitude and his want to just keep going because his passion for what he does is passion for life. I'm sure the money helps him get the most quality health care he deserves, which brings me to my second point. If you know people suffering from health care debt. I mean, I know like diabetics, you name it, who are suffering with medical debt that have to choose between paying rent and getting the care they need. I'm not going to make this political or say exactly what I want out of health care in America, but what I will say is that we are not ranked very high on quality of health care in America, just on the quality of loan. I think it's

the top 30 or something like that. That's not good considering we're, you know, looked at as the free nation and we are the only first world country i believe the only considered first world country or if not one of the only that does not have some sort of means for access towards affordable health care or universal health care or universal health care and whether that means a universal platform or just better competition that lowers rates between insurance companies just something to make this more affordable for the average person and again i have my problems with insurance companies I look at them as Ponzi schemes. They are.

They make money off of people paying more in premiums than they get back in care. I just don't think that's a business that should operate in America. And even on the other side of things, look at our health care workers. They are so overworked. Yeah. I mean, have you ever gone to an eye doctor or just some sort of specialty place and see that they triple book, that the waiting rooms are packed? This is no coincidence. People are very overbooked.

And the nurses are going crazy. Yeah. The nurses work. very long hours. And this is why in college, one of my professors was a doctor of medicine himself and was teaching college now. I was actually very thankful to have a doctor like that teach at a community college. What a gift to have. That's something you usually see in universities. Well, he was teaching anatomy and physiology too. And he talked about how registered nurses, RNs, especially night shift nurses, are some of the most studied people as far as a population group.

It's the most studied people when it comes to health care, measuring the health of a person, doing experiments on them. Experiments probably is the right word, studies, excuse me. And the reason for this is because nurses and nursing in general is a very unhealthy profession. You work long hours. You might work weird hours. You have to do a ton of work. You're exposed to potentially deadly diseases. Yes.

And because of this, a lot of nurses, despite being the soldiers of health care that are making sure you get healthy, They, because of all the stress of all this, aren't very healthy themselves or take care of themselves. So that's why they're a very studied population. I'm just going to leave it at that. Support more affordable health care, please. And in some form, whatever it is, I'm not just going to make this leftist. I think that there just needs to be more topics about this. This should be more than a left-wing talking point.

And I have talked to some libertarians that think there should be more affordable health care, however, they look it through the lens. of competition. Like you want to go through a health care company in another country. You should be able to do that. You should open borders between states. You know, let's have that conversation, whether you agree with it or not. I just want the conversation to be there. I want there to be a push towards something. Not what we have right now. So that's, that's all I have on that. That's all I've got. Okay. We've been going for an hour. I'm going to make her outro really quick. Thank you so much to our patrons. We love you so much. Eddie, Rowan, Marky, Holly, Ashley, Anna, Voo, Karen, Serena,

Chloe and Mark, we love you guys. Thank you for going the extra mile to support us. If you want to do the same, patreon.com slash the misery machine. We have stickers. You can order them through our PayPal, PayPal. PayPal.m.E. slash the misery machine. $1.1. We'll ship it anywhere in the world.

Even if we have to pay out of pocket more at that point, we don't care. We just want to get these out. I will say it takes about two weeks to get on the other side of the world. We have confirmed delivery. Yes. It did take a bit to get to Australia, but we got it there. And I'm very happy. You are under no obligation to support us that way, though, though you do get access to our secret videos and things like that.

Just hitting like and subscribe if you're on YouTube is enough. If you want to leave us a five-star and written review on Apple Podcasts, we like that too. Follow us on our social media. These things all help us go a long way. I know I mentioned it in the intro, but the fact that we have passed the thousand subscribers, that I can at least apply for YouTube monetization at this point. This means so much. That means a thousand of you felt it was worth the time and energy to subscribe to us

and keep coming back and listening to us. I see a lot of you in the comments, similar people listening to our episodes. It means so much to me that you keep coming back over and over again and taking the time to leave a comment. I don't overlook that at all. I very much value people's time. And when people volunteer their time for us in that way,

no matter how small it is, that means a lot to me. So again, thank you everyone for getting us to 1,000. We're going to do an actual video about that. If it's not already out by the time this video comes out, This is going to take me a while to edit. It's going to be quite a project to edit. Yeah, so forgive me.

It may be until next week. But we love you. If you listen to all three episodes for Suicide Awareness Month, this means so much to me. Suicide awareness, suicide prevention. These are things that hit very close to home to me. And me as well. And I know we're a true crime podcast, but I feel that this is something that we need to go a whole lot further to end the stigma on. And I may do a short video on this just to kind of.

like our end of suicide awareness month. We'll see. But with that, I don't have anything else. And we've been going on for way too long. So thank you if you've been here this long. We love you so much. We love you. All right.

Bye.