The New Yorker Radio Hour - Apocalypse Prepping, on a Budget

Episode Date: May 1, 2018

Inspired by “Doomsday Prep for the Super-Rich,” by The New Yorker’s Evan Osnos, Patricia Marx gets herself ready for the apocalypse. The only problem: Marx is a writer, not a Silicon Valley mogul. She isn’t super-rich, or even regular-rich. Apocalypse prep on a budget, Marx discovers, is a whole other ball game. Plus: “I’m a Proud Nuclear-Missile Owner”—written by Teddy Wayne, and performed by Nick Offerman—takes the right to bear arms to a whole other level. New Yorker Radio Hour listeners, we want to hear from you.  We have a few questions about the show and how you listen to it. The survey takes about twenty minutes, and your feedback will help us make our podcast better.  Take the survey here.

This is real trade to the block to West Boulevard that makes that right? They didn't break that, but they have pretty good access to those people. They're going to subconsciously mocked that lineage. So that's happening. It seems like an incredible story here on many fronts.

From one world trade center in Manhattan, this is the New Yorker Radio Hour, a co-production of WNYC Studios and The New Yorker. Welcome to the New Yorker Radio Hour. I'm David Remnick. Patty Marks has been contributing to the New Yorker for about 30 years. And on the radio hour, she's tackled such daredevil stunts as trying to fall asleep on the subway. Good luck. Perfecting her archery skills indoors and foraging for food in Central Park.

But lately her mind has taken a more serious turn. Last year, I read this fantastic piece by Evan Osnos called Doomsday Prep. for the super rich. It was about the ways in which the very wealthiest people in America plan to ride out the end of the world. And let me tell you, being a rich person in the apocalypse is about as good as it gets. You live in this five-star bunker better than the rich Carlton. You have room service. You have the freshest of brocolini and coconut water and all the movies you want. You have nothing to do because everybody, you're inside. and outside the world is ending, and it just sounds great. So naturally, I wanted to call

Evan Osnos up and find out more. Hi, Evan. It's Patty Marks. Hi, Patty. So the stereotype of a survivalist or a prepper that we have is a cave-dwellin, gun-totin, freeze-dried, food-eaten, conspiratorialist. But that's not the people you wrote about. they were more Gilligan's Island meets Dallas. Tell me a little more about how the wealthy are getting ready for the apocalypse. Actually quite a robust industry to support what are known as high net worth individuals who have an interest in protecting themselves from the apocalypse.

Some people are building bunkers under their homes or their second homes that are fortified against nuclear attack or against bio and chemical weapons. And that's sort of an elaborate undertaking. Other people are looking farther afield. You can buy, for instance, in a state in New Zealand, which is insulated from the risk of a chemical attack in the United States. Some people are also training in skills that might be useful in the event of a doomsday scenario. So I talk to folks who are stockpiling motorcycles and learning how to ride through really bad traffic if a city was suddenly choked and paralyzed with traffic. And then you can get a helicopter and then just keep the helicopter nearby. And as one person said to me, I keep my helicopter gassed up all the time.

Evan, how much money are some wealthy people spending on prepping? Some people have spent a lot of money. I mean, if you buy a unit in an under. underground condominium, which is fortified against all these risks, you'll spend about $3 million for a full floor unit and about a million and a half. Evan, I'm also working on a piece about preparing myself for the apocalypse. Stephen, what's our budget? Our budget is $179.98 or three installments of $59.99.

How far do you think I can get on that? I think it's going to take some creativity. So maybe money isn't the answer. I mean, maybe it is, but I don't have much, and I need to stretch it. And one way to do that is to get some skills. Stephen and I decided that our first step on the way to surviving was to take a class in urban emergency preparedness. Lucky for us, it was raining, so the class was held in the back of a deli

off Central Park West, where they had very good cappuccino. I guess so. I don't blend, do I? The workshop was led by Shane Hobel, the founder of the Mountain Scout Survival School. He had a lot of pockets and a lot of things strapped on him, like duct tape and batteries and a gas mask and everything you need for the apocalypse. like a dystopian QVC presenter. Go bags. There's actually five

different type. It's a pack shield. This is a bulletproof shield. I know how to pick locks. I recommend everybody in the city learn how to pick locks. You know, I know how to make climbing rope with toilet paper. I'm very curious about how you make rope out of toilet paper.

Can you grab me a three-foot piece? Yeah. I'll show you right now. So it's a very simple technique that I'm going to do right now. It's called a single reverse wrap. So I took a long piece of toilet paper about three feet long and folded it in half. Held the fold of my left hand. And now grabbing one tail and twisting it away, holding that twist,

I will reach and grab the other tail. And so we just do this and now there's your typical rope. Now go ahead and give that a real good pull on both of those there. Okay, wow. Now you can make an Afghan out of it all or something. And if I actually, you know, maybe like a coaster, if I made circles of it. Ready to sell things on Etsy. Yeah.

I can make soles of a shoe, you know, or flip-flops from toilet paper. All right, an obvious question here that I did not have the heart to ask Shane. But what are we going to use for toilet paper now that we've turned it all into coasters and shoes? Something I learned in the class and it never wanted dawned on me is that yes, it's really important to be prepared but you should never look prepared. It's kind of a Thorsten-Weblin conspicuous consumption thing. I got my tactical stuff and I got my tactical stuff.

I'm wearing chewing tactical gum. I'm wearing my tactical thongs. I got my tactical socks on. I'm all tacticaled out. I got tactical contacts. I'm going to be tactically beat up. Right? Because I look like the guy who knows what he's doing.

They're going to take my stuff. I might just show up like with, you know, mustard stain. I love New York shirt, slightly torn. I'm going to find dog crap smeared to myself. You know, maybe like scream and scratch and irritate, you know, others like, we don't want him to come. Throw all my stuff in a garbage bag, throw a dirty sock hanging out the back of it. Like, ah, the end is near!

And start freaking out and being that guy. But I'm in perfect camouflage. And I'm moving the way I want to move. So we took the class. We did learn a few things. And now my favorite part of the end of the world. Shopping. My producer, Stephen and I, hopped into a car,

and we drove out to Whippany, New Jersey. And in Wippany, New Jersey, there is a store called Get Out Safe, which, admittedly, is not a welcoming name for a store or anything. But they're one of the leading stores for survival goods. I expected a gigantic supermarket, did you? All right, let's go in. It's run by a guy named Frank DeMayo.

Was there a moment in your life when you decided something could happen and I better be ready for it? Was there a political event or? I've been a fireman for like 25 years, so I've always seen that things happen instantly. I'm just aware of the bad things. we're shopping for the catastrophe, the end of the world, the apocalypse. I'll say the end of the world. I'm using that. Yeah, and a lot of people do.

And that's where people think that you're a nut job. If it's the end of the world, what do you need this for? It's not about the end of the world. It's about an interruption in life for two, three, four, five weeks. We're shopping for a bit of a problem, and we're on a budget. We have $179 and change. So what do we see? We're not going to buy that.

I feel like water is important. And you don't want to make your own. So we can get the water carrier that holds five gallons. What about these water straws? They're expensive, but... Let's get one. Yeah? Do you think we should get duct tape?

Oh, duct tape is good for anything. Yeah. Or nothing. You know, a flashlight. This is a huge, huge seller. Well, that's $17, though. Have you fortified your house in any way? No, but I actually moved out of my house into an apartment.

I've been in this town 65 years, and everybody in their mother seems to know us, and that's what's going to happen, is they're all going to be at my door. Frank, we're friends for 30 years. You've got to help me. Well, I made it difficult for at least half of them to find me. You can't have as many house guests anymore.

Nobody's invited. Oh, look at this. Ooh. The gas mask. For biological, chemical agents, including everything. So we got anthrax, cyanide, sarin, smallpox, and smoke. We should get a crank radio the way they have on the Pledge Drive. Do you have any crank radios?

Hatchet? There's a lot of different hatchets here, and they come in different colors, which I like. How's business? today versus seven years ago? I can tell you how it is today compared to when our new president won. It's gone down big time. Uh-huh. People are just feeling comfortable with Trump compared to how they felt with Obama.

And it's sad because it's not a real picture of what's coming. Unfortunately, the media obviously has let us down. Nobody's telling anything. And you don't know what to believe. and a skillet for hitting people over the head with. A face mask with a ear loop. What is that? Is that for blackheads?

What is that? It does look like it's going to tighten your pores. Let's see what else. Do we want? Emergency cat food we don't really need because we don't, unless we go get a cat. What do you want? Some more food? Well, we haven't had lunch.

You want some freeze-dried corn? Well, that's a lot of money. Do you want a bar? You want a five-year emergency food bar? Creamy a la king. Have you noticed that they leave out a word a lot? Creamy what? A chicken a la-king?

Yeah. I think... We might have to starve, because then we can buy a lot of other things. Here's like a pink discount pepper spray for $12.99. And we can use it as pepper. Okay. Let's, you want to see what we're at? Yeah.

Okay. Just made it. 182.73. Great. You take a visa? Yes, we do. Stephen, can I give you a bit of advice? When the bill comes, pay the minimum amount.

And then, if all goes well, fingers crossed, you'll never have to pay the balance. Okay. Great, guys. Thank you very much. Nice to meet you. You too. Be safe. Me too.

So what did I learn from all this prepping? Well, it turns out the end of the world is not going to be a luxury five-star experience. It's going to be the opposite. It's going to be really, really bleak. Nobody told me to take a book along. Nobody told me to take music. Nobody told me to take art. Nobody even told me to take a chocolate chip cookie. This is not a world I want to be part of. So I'm going to take $179. worth of survival stuff that I just bought. And I'm going to return it. And with my refund, I'm going to get a tub of lipstick. I'm going to get some shoes. I'm going to go see a show. Maybe I'll go to Hamilton. No, maybe I won't.

Maybe I'll go off, off, off, off, off, off Broadway. And I'll cross the bridge over the river sticks when I get to it. Ksera. The New Yorker's Patty Marks, along with Stephen Valentino of the New Yorker Radio Hour. If civilization breaks down, don't try borrowing anything useful from Patty. This is the New Yorker Radio Hour. We'll sign off for now with a few words from Nick Offerman. Offerman is best known as the gun-loving Ron Swanson on Parks and Recreation,

and he'll star in Hearts Beat Loud, which opens in June. Some hothead in North Korea starts testing as nuclear missiles every day of the week and twice on Sunday, and suddenly people are demanding a ban on the end. so-called weapons of mass destruction. Well, I'm a proud nuclear missile owner, and I'd like to put in my two cents. My most treasured childhood memories are of deer hunting with my father, using nuclear missiles. Dad and I would pack sandwiches, head out to the woods in our hazmat suits, load up a

Minuteman 3 in the launch vehicle, take cover in our steel-en-cased bunker, and then come out 72 hours later, and pick up all the carcasses in the blast area. How are fathers and sons supposed to bond without nuclear missiles? You eliminate them, pal, and you may as well get rid of baseball. Yeah, nuclear missiles carry a risk of death. You know what also carries a risk of death? Chewing gum. Grow up.

Look, I'm in favor of a few common sense restrictions, like mental health screening, so that a madman with a military and a tacky branding empire can't get a hold of them. Just so long as it doesn't prevent law-abiding citizens from buying a vintage SSMN8 regulus at a nuclear missile show. It's a slippery slope to tyranny, my friends, and the founding fathers knew that the best defense against despotism was for every home to have its own well-stockpiled nuclear missile silo. Remember, nuclear missiles don't kill people.

Nuclear bombs have killed people. Get your facts straight before you launch a reckless attack on our fundamental rights. The New Yorker Radio Hour is a co-production of WNYC Studios and The New Yorker. Our theme music was composed and performed by Merrill Garbus of Tune Yards with additional music by Alexis Quadrado. This episode was produced by Alex Barron, Emily Boutin, Ave Carrillo, Marianne and Corby, Jill Duboff, Karen Frillman, David Krasnow, Louis Mitchell, Sarah Nix, Mithely Rowe, and Stephen Valentino, with help from Susan Morrison, Emma Allen, Michelle Moses,

Emily Mann, and Jessica Henderson. The New Yorker Radio Hour is supported in part by the Cherina Endowment Fund.