The One You Feed - Brenden Dilley

Episode Date: April 8, 2014

This week on The One You Feed we have Brenden Dilley.Brenden Dilley is the author of the book Still Breathin': The Wisdom Teachings of a Perfectly Flawed Man.We were taken by the intensity, directness and self-deprecating humor throughout the book. Brenden is not one to sugar coat things, he doesn't even dust a little Sweet'N Low on them.He was introduced to the world of “self-help” at the age of eleven by his mother, Lisa Kitter. At the age of thirteen, he was doing book reports on titles such as “Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill. Upon graduating from high school, Brenden went on to become a highly successful personal trainer, receiving his certification through the National Academy of Sports Medicine.Brenden is also a single parent to his three children: Sophia Rose, Jasmine Nai’a and Phoenix Alexander. Much of what Brenden writes, speaks about, teaches and trains on revolves around parenting, dating, relationships, self-empowerment, fitness and authenticity.Currently, Brenden resides in Phoenix, Arizona, and works in the world of commercial real estate development.Warning: This interview has some slightly ribald humor in parts. In This Interview Brenden and I Discuss...The One You Feed parable.How acknowledging all aspects of ourselves is important.Why we need to be less judgmental of ourselves as we try to grow and change.In order to move forward forgiving yourself is paramount.Comfort versus happiness.How we can't judge choices until we see the results.Making sure that your daily actions align to your dreams.Getting honest about achieving our goals.What working as a waiter in a nudist resort taught him about humility.How to not project your own bull*shit onto your kids.How to handle negative energy from other people.Avoiding the guru complex in the self-help world.Staying authentic.Brenden Dilley LinksBrenden Dilley HomepageBuy Still Breathin'Brenden Dilley on Twitter Some of our most popular interviews you might also enjoy:Mike Scott of the WaterboysTodd Henry- author of Die EmptyRandy Scott HydeSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A bunch of books written by a bunch of people that are written from a standpoint of, if you do this, this, and this, you can be just like me, and my life is incredible, which is bullshit. Welcome to The One You Feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts we have. Quotes like, garbage in, garbage out, or you are what you think, ring true. And yet, for many of us, our thoughts don't strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don't have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit.

But it's not just about thinking. Our actions matter. We'll see you next time. I'm Jason Alexander and I'm Peter Tilden and together our mission on the Really No Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way

to the floor what's in the museum of failure and does your dog truly love you we have the answer go to reallynoreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really No Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to the show. Our guest on this episode is Brendan Dilley, author of Still Breathin', The Wisdom and Teaching of a Perfectly Flawed Man, a book which aims to assist its readers

in living a more passionate and purposeful existence. Be aware that this is not your mom and dad's self-help book. It will entertain, inspire, and potentially offend you. Hi, Brendan. Welcome to the show. Hi, I'm excited to be here, Eric. Great. Thanks for joining us. Our podcast is called The One You Feed, and it's based on the old parable where there's a grandfather who's talking with his grandson, and he says, in life, there's a battle going on inside all of us all the time, and that battle is between two wolves. One is a good wolf who represents things like kindness and love and joy.

And the other is a bad wolf who represents things like hatred and greed and fear. And the grandson stops and he thinks about it for a second and he says, well, grandfather, which one wins? And the grandfather says, the one you feed. So this podcast is based on that parable, and what we like to start off with is asking people, what does that parable mean to them in both their life and in their work? a lot of different, um, characteristics, I guess, the word I'm looking for, um, such as the anger, the jealousy, the greed, and resentment, and then as well as the, the joy and love and hope and, and some of those things. Um, and I think that it, it does kind of emphasize that is what's going to manifest, uh,

whether that's more of the things that we all, uh, hope, which is the, you know, the empathy, truth and peace and all these types of things. Or whether we're obsessing and emphasizing, you know, the ego or lies and inferiority and whatnot. So I definitely can identify and I agree with the parable in that regard. One of the things I guess I struggled with this was I'm not really a big fan of duality, and I guess I'm not a big believer either. And so I guess for me, I suppose for me, the only part that maybe didn't resonate with me was the idea that there is this battle,

that there's an actual battle going on within us, or that there's two different people within us. I think that for me, and one of the ways I've been able to live my life and kind of have some inner peace is the acknowledgement of all of these different characteristics. And I do want us not to judge them differently from one another. I don't know if that makes sense. So for me, I guess the idea is that there's this battle over one over the other,

but more or less the acknowledgement that all are within us, and we get to choose which of these characteristics we express on a day-to-day basis. That's a great segue into, I've been spending a lot of time with your book, and one of the major themes that I think comes through really clearly over and over in the book is really being true to yourself and being who you are as opposed to what other people want you to be. And so kind of what you're saying there ties right back into that. Yeah, I mean, absolutely. And that's really, I think, you know, and I've been around the self-help industry for

a lot of years. My mother is a motivational speaker and an author, and I've been around it since I was about the age of 11. I started giving, you know, testimonials and things like that by the age of 12. And I was, you know, speaking here intermittently through my team that, you know, heard different events and whatnot. And I did a lot of emceeing and stuff in my early twenties. And the one thing that I've always had an issue with within the self-help

genre, or even just in general, when you talk to people about, you know, I don't know if I want to necessarily limit it to self-help, but people who are trying to improve themselves in any regard is just how incredibly hard they are on themselves and how judgmental we are of self. And it's almost like, it's almost counterproductive because there is such an obsession with kind of avoiding negative, quote unquote, personality traits or characteristics. It's like this avoidance or a harsh judgment of rather than an open acknowledgement. And then you can actually choose what you want to express versus judging yourself to

the point that you continue to manifest it. So that theme is definitely throughout the book. Yeah. And so I would ask you, you talk about how important it is to sort of be who you are, reflect all the aspects of yourself. And I think that comes fairly naturally to some people, but I think a lot of people struggle with it also. And I'm curious, what would you say to people who have spent years of their life sort of hiding certain parts of themselves or who they are? How do they start getting back on the track to being fully themselves and expressing that? I think first and foremost, and I pushed this, and I was a personal trainer for a number

of years, and I think really, and I apply it in every regard of my life, and that is forgiveness, and it's being able to forgive yourself for not being perfect. life. And that was forgiveness. And it's being able to forgive yourself for not being perfect. You know, and it sounds cheesy to some people, you know, and I got forgiveness exercise was strong throughout the book as well, but it really is the basis of everything. And, and, and I'm going to use a really brief example, but even like in fitness, when I would work with my obese clients,

I would begin teaching them rapid forgiveness based on the food that they eat from one meal to the next. You know, they'd come in and tell me, all right, you know, they would be completely down in the dumps, devastated because they ate a cheeseburger. And my response 100% of the time to everybody who came in and said, I had a cheat meal, it was good for you. I always changed the context from what they were talking about or the way that they felt about that mistake.

And I said, good for you. Oh, what do you mean good for me? And well, how did it taste? And they'd say, and I'd ask them, I'd say, okay. Now, you know, we discussed the result or what effect that might have on their body, but the forgiveness is forgiving yourself for your past transgressions, whether it was 10 minutes ago, 10 hours ago, or 10 years ago, is critical to being able to move forward in kind of creating a new context for your own life.

And that's really one of the main themes of the book that I kind of touch on quite a bit. So who would you say this book is for? Because you do sort of talk about, hey, this is not necessarily the book for somebody who is doing really well and driving you know, driving a great car or having a great life? Who is this book targeted to? You know, and that's a good question. And I wrote it for, you know, the generic answer is I wrote it for everybody because I felt like anybody

could grab it. But if you really want my honest opinion, I'm 31 years old and I grew up in sort of the hip-hop generation. I grew up in perfect, you know, perfect, you know, I guess home life and stuff. I had a fantastic mother, but I grew up around, even though in my home it was pretty good, you know, my parents did divorce and things like that, but I had a good upbringing. But my friends and the people I grew up in the town I grew up in was relatively lower middle class to lower class. And I tended to gravitate towards some of the more challenged kids. I don't know why. I just always kind of identified with the struggle.

And maybe it was my single mom at 13 that I was raised by. So for me, I wrote the book basically targeting, you know, I wanted something that this generation can grab. I wanted something that someone age 17 or 45 could grab and identify with not only the humor, but also a lot of the concepts in it. I wanted something that was a little bit raw. And I wanted something where, you know, when I wrote it, I didn't want to alienate anybody. I did my best to not alienate anyone based on whatever mistakes they may have been, which is why I poured so much of my own life and mistakes into it. Yeah, it's very – the subtitle of the book is The Wisdom Teachings of a Perfectly Flawed Man. So you're very clear about that.

And I do think the way you write has a certain tone and a feel to it that probably reaches that demographic pretty well. One thing that comes up on this show kind of over and over is this idea of comfort versus happiness or comfort versus doing the things that are important in your life. And I think that seems to show up a lot in your book also. How does someone stay aware of those choices and keep themselves moving towards the right ones? choices and keep themselves moving towards the right ones? You know, I think one of the things that, and it took me a long time to realize this,

and you're talking about right and wrong choices, which I really think it mostly comes down to the choice. I mean, we can't really judge the choices until we see the end result, and we're always looking backwards and going, oh, it was a bad choice, or it was a good choice. And we think about what may have been gained from it. For example, I'm separated. I have two women that I've got children with and I could easily let them go out. It was not a good choice based on some of the things I had to endure from it. be too harsh of my choices because it allowed me to learn so much. And then from that pain, I was able to help other people. And so the one thing with choices, I really, I try to get everybody that I talk with and everything that I preach to get away from the idea that you're going to make a wrong

choice. I think as long as you're honoring yourself and you're not deviating from your own kind of code, whatever that code is, as long as you're feeling like you're not deviating from your own kind of code, whatever that code is, as long as you're feeling like you're honoring yourself and you're not going outside of your code, then you're going to be good. I think you're going to, you know, you can live with the mistakes even when you make them because you know you had your heart and you're authentic in the choice and you had your heart in the right place at the time that you made the decision.

in the choice and you had your heart in the right place at the time that you made the decision. Yep. And I, I totally relate with the good versus bad that, that, that delineation. I usually, I've always preferred the, you know, there are skillful actions or unskillful actions, depending on what you're trying to do. One of the things you talk about though, is to be, to make sure that you're being, that your daily actions are being true to your bigger goals and your deeper desires. And I think that's kind of where I'm leading with that is what are the things people do to make sure that what they're doing that day, because it's easy to fall into comfort mode, it's easy to fall into, I'm just going to watch TV again tonight. How do people keep themselves sort of focused on, hey, there's a bigger goal I have, or

there's more I want out of life than is right in front of me, and I'm going to have to work to get there. You know, and it's really interesting to say, because one of the things that, you know, I talk about this with people, you know, in my day-to-day life, and I talk about it in the book. Here's what I mean. I know exactly what quote you're referring to as far as make sure your daily action is consistent with what your dreams and goals are.

It's not necessarily that I'm telling you to make sure you're taking action every day to reach your dreams. Obviously, if you're serious about your dreams, then that's what you're going to do. What I'm saying is if your daily action doesn't match the dream or goal, what do you have to do? Do you need to adjust the dream or goal to be more realistic or consistent with who you are at that exact time in your life? Or do you need to adjust your daily action

because you're being lazy? So it's more about really being honest with ourselves about what we're doing. And what I mean is, if you're going to sit on your bed every day and watch television, and you're not going to do anything, you'll have to work or whatever, is if you're going to sit on your butt every day and watch television and you're not going to do anything, you don't have to work or whatever.

And then you're going to go to work. And my point is, if you're going to do that, don't complain about it after the fact, like just at least get to a place where you can be honest with yourself. Like, Oh, you know, Brendan,

why didn't you ever achieve X, Y, Z goal? Well, I didn't achieve it because I chose, I made a conscious decision to not pursue it actively. You know, rather than, you know, a lot of people will complain and they kind of begin

to resent their own lives and they do all these things rather than if they had just stopped and got honest about it. And what normally ends up happening when you do get real honest about why you're not achieving your dreams or why you're not achieving your goals, one of two things happens. One, you realize, you know, maybe I'm not the guy who's supposed to achieve that dream or goal. Or two, and hopefully this is the more likely of the two, wow, I've got to really think about what I'm doing

so I can actually become this person that can achieve these types of dreams and goals. And so that's kind of what I mean when I use that quote in the book. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal?

The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us today. How are you, too?

Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really? No, really. Yeah, really. No, really. Go to reallynoreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast or a limited edition

signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really? No, really. And you can find it on the iHeartRadio app on Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I'd like to maybe get into your story a little bit. There's a couple different parts of it that I think would be interesting for the listeners. One is you describe, I think it's a job you had and you describe it sort of the place where you hit absolute bottom for you and really learned a lot about humility. Can you tell us a little bit about that job, maybe some of what happened there and what that moment of, I think you described it as a bottom and teaching you humility was? Yeah. You know, I get so many comments in the book in regards to that job.

I worked as a waiter at a nudist resort and I had worked in the food service industry only a couple of times when I was younger, 18 to 19 years old. And at that time, it was almost, you know, it was like, whatever, you know, I did bus or work and some other things like that. But I was at this point, when I got that job, I was 27 years old. I had just separated from my girlfriend at the time. We had two daughters. One was turning four in like a week or two, and then the other one was 18, over 18 months, 20 months old.

So these were very small children. I was becoming a single dad. We had shared custody, but at that point, I actually had the girls Monday through Friday, and then my ex at the time had them on the weekend. So I really had to get creative with the jobs that I chose, and I chose, well, not like that. The economy was absolutely horrendous, and I couldn't find work. I was living in Sacramento, and it was June of 2009, and there was no work. And I did find an ad for a nudist resort, but it didn't say that.

It said it was a clothing optional resort, and it was a waiter position, so I knew it would be cash at the end of every day that I could buy groceries and do these types of things with. And to say it was humbling would be an understatement. I'm certainly not judging people who choose to go to resorts and be naked and whatnot. It's not really what humbled me. What humbled me was having people, and that naked and whatnot. It's not really what humbled me. What humbled me was having, um, having people, you know,

and I was very fit at this point in my life. At that time, I had a very successful personal training business and I myself was extremely fit. And, you know, um, you know, I felt like I had my life pretty well together aside from what had just occurred and to have to stand and be berated by not only, you know, the customers, managers who are all, you know, just it was really just, it was hard. It was just such a humbling experience. And, you know, I'm a bit of a, you know, I don't want to say a high.

I didn't know it out a lot, but I'm certainly a fighter. And it was the first time in my life I couldn't fight. I had to take it because there were no other jobs available i had no other options financially and so things i normally would have stuck up for myself and i had no choice but to bite my tongue um you know kind of quiet myself and and uh and just really take it and so some of the things that happened there you know i had a bunch of funny stories in the book i don't necessarily know they're appropriate for the podcast but you know they're appropriate okay yeah i have no idea you know i'm like i'm like man yeah if you read that chapter you know

it's you know i mean things like uh you know i had a woman slap a 20 bill down on the uh the counter uh that was she was a fairly heavy sat woman and it must've been about 105 that day. And I gave her the best service I possibly could. And she was a pretty nice woman, but at the end of her, her meal, typically the people there would charge it to their room because they didn't carry cash or change for obvious reasons. Well, this woman did carry cash and it was under her massive gargantuan boob. It was the nastiest thing I've ever seen in my life.

And she slapped it down on the counter and said, you know, keep the change. Me and my coworker looked at each other like, dude, that's a $3 tip. It's so not worth it. You know, I actually tricked my manager into picking it up. I'm like, hey, man, can you break this 20? And he came over and he's like, oh, this thing is nasty. This thing is nuts. I was under, Hey man, can you break this 20? He came over and he's like, Oh, this thing was nasty. I just understood these balls all day. And it was disgusting, but we, uh, we had a good laugh. But I mean, things like that. I mean, I think I put three or four stories from the,

from what happened at that place in the book, but there were so many more. I mean, I had so many instances where, you know, I had these really just heavyset, older, just angry, you know, customers, which I'm sure all people who have worked in the restaurant industry have dealt with. But the difference is, like, in a normal restaurant, you deal with them because you're the normal customer or whatever. But in this instance, they're all completely naked. they're all completely naked. So it's like, it almost takes the level of like, you know, embarrassment to another level for you if you're the waiter because they're like yelling at you or they're berating you and you're just looking at them like,

I'm getting yelled at by this naked 50-year-old man. And it's a real mind job. But you know what? I feel so like blessed for having even been able to land that job and for them to have even given me an opportunity with, you know what? I feel so blessed for having even been able to land that job and for them to have even given me an opportunity with no waiting experience because it literally allowed me to survive for five months. Yeah, you describe a time where you were taking a meal out to somebody outside. Do you want to tell us that story? If you want to hear it, man, yeah was that was my first day on the job my first day on the job they you know we had this it was a restaurant and i actually was required to wear a polo shirt

and dress shorts so it was like it was it was a nice restaurant it wasn't um what you might be picturing i don't know but for me you know it was a pretty nice restaurant and there was a pool decking um that was outside and i wasn't aware, but they said, you know, Brendan, we are also responsible to bring through the patrons who are out on the pool, out by the pool. And so I was like, okay, great, you know. And so that first day, I was kind of following along with the guy, and I had brought a couple of drinks out to the pool,

but it was like right towards the the gate entrance and so it wasn't i didn't really get too into it and at this point my first day i was really uncomfortable with all the naked people i did deal with it but my first day was still very much a shock i mean it's something you're not really prepared for um after about three days you're just i've adjusted but day one not so much well I'm walking out there with a I believe it was a drink or a food or a bit both I don't remember now but I'm walking out there and they kind of have these steps so the pool kind of sits at the base and then the the different levels of where they have the actual lawn chairs and stuff where people can can it kind of elevates as you walk away from the pool

like uh and it circles the pool like that and so i had my eyes down deliberately trying to avoid you know eye contact or even really just seeing any of these naked people man i was i was walking and i see this woman and she told me you know there's one out there with a blue hat on you need to go find her and take her her food and her drinks and I'm like okay so I spotted the blue hat right when I got to the gate and she was kind of far off in the distance so I had my eyes down as I'm walking towards her I glance up I see the blue hat again and I'm like not too far away and I'm stepping up on these steps and as they rise I I the first thing I saw was her feet and so i'm like okay i think this is her and she was laying face down on a on a lawn chair and i saw her feet for about a split second and i'm like

okay maybe this is her and as i stepped up onto the step you know the rise that her her legs were completely wide open um she was face down and i could see everything like her her ass like literally was like feet from like where my face was because the face right and so like i i mean and in that moment like i startled her i'm like man and i'm like i'm shocked and oh my god there's an asshole like i just see this woman not expecting to see this. And she's like, excuse me. And then, and then it's like,

but my eyes hadn't got a chance to move yet. So, oh, it was disgusting. I startled her. She kind of clinched. And,

and she's like, oh, hi. And I'm like, oh my God. Like, I give her her food or her drinks or whatever.

She gives me money. I'm walking back and I'm like, that was the first time ever I can honestly say I met somebody like butthole first

you know what I mean like you might have someone on their shoulder you might see their legs first but never where the first thing

you actually see is like that it was it was hysterical it was like in my head I'm like this is

this must be the most surreal thing that's ever happened on the face of the planet and uh yeah that story never it never left me

I would stop to read because it was the funniest thing I've ever read the uh there's there's great stories in that section the thing that

that at the you you end that section though you talk about being sort of talked down to by this this naked man and how you took it and said that it was one of the proudest moments of your life because you put your kids in that moment ahead of your ego and your pride. And I thought that was touching.

And the other theme that's in the book an awful lot is really the love you have for your children and how central they are to your life. You've got a piece of advice in there, a chapter that basically says, you know, the chapter starts off with, just don't fuck up your kids. Can you tell us a little bit about that section? Yeah, and, God, you know, it's funny. My buddy sent me a link just today about, you know, I guess a woman had just published an article on Huffington Post or one of those websites or something. It was a similar theme. He was concerned, you know, being ripped off,

but she had similar language, I guess. I'm pretty consistent with the fucks throughout the book, but 136 of them I believe to be exact but the theme of that chapter is really about not projecting your own bullshit on your kids I think that most people carry

a lot of their own bad behaviors from their childhood that they couldn't deal with properly and then they immediately I think most people aren't really critical thinkers or they're not really completely unaware of self or immediately, I think most people aren't really critical thinkers or they're not really, maybe they are completely unaware of self or what, but I think, maybe I don't think most people, but quite a few people, I mean, I can't use mixed words here, but they don't ever stop to think why they say or do the things that they do. Like, I'm a very strict parent.

I'm extremely, like my kids know where the line is at. And some people are like, oh my God, like you don't back down. And I'm like, no, like that's the line. There's a certain, I hold, I hold them to the same standard that, you know, and all of them get the same exact treatment. And really they've seen treatment almost regardless of age. Once, you know, once my son Phoenix was past the age of about one, I started just dialing him in on what what's expected in that end of, as far as his behavior in the world, how he treats other people,

um, his interactions and whatnot. It's not that I don't want them all to be free with their, uh, their personalities and their self-expression and all that stuff. But what I don't want, I don't want kids that are bullies or, or, uh, that are spoiled or, you know, these are the things I'm like, these are the things I can, I can correct and show them now. And the end result's been pretty amazing. I think I'm, I feel like one of the most lucky men on the planet for having three just phenomenal kids.

But I think a large part of that is that even when I screw up with my kids, I do my best to be very, very, very analytical myself in in analyzing my reactions in my interactions with them and you know there's sometimes where i'm like man are they too harsh and i'll consciously think about it you know am i projecting something from my own childhood if the answer is yes i'll go back i apologize and i deal with it appropriately and if it's no then i i stay the course and i recognize that this this is just one of those times i've got to be a little harsher than normal. But nonetheless, I do my best not to bring any of my junk towards them. I just enjoy watching them be themselves and watching the way that they express themselves and the different creative things that they do and their sense of humor and whatnot.

Yeah, that not projecting your own stuff onto your kids is really challenging, even when you're conscious of it. I have a son and a stepson, 15-year-old boys, and so it is, you know, I wrestle with that. I do think that that piece of apologizing to your kids and going back and saying you're wrong is such a powerful piece of modeling for them to say, yeah, we all get it wrong, and it's important to acknowledge it and deal with it. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer.

Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us today.

How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really?

That's the opening? Really, no really. Yeah, really. No really. Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really, No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Another thing in the book that I really liked is, I think we all know that the negative energy of people around us sometimes can really be challenging in keeping ourselves positive and moving in the right direction. And you've got a technique in the book you call recycling energy. Do you want to tell me a little bit more about that? Yeah, I think this is something I've, you know, I'd love to sit here and tell you I wrote it down.

I perfected this thought process. Most of what I learned in the book, and this is the part that really people get really kind of like, wow. I don't really have any formal training. I didn't go to school for psychology psychology and I certainly didn't do any like weighty classes when it comes to energy. This is sort of, you know, I think most of what comes from the book is obviously I have a phenomenal parent, you know, parents that raised me and a mother specifically that, that emphasized self-help and kind of personal growth and things. I read tons of books growing up and then all that kind of fun stuff.

And even in my twenties, I read quite a few books and, but mostly I tried to apply everything. I'm a real big fan of taking what you hear and then applying it to life, but I'm not trying to get too far off topic, but specifically about recycling energies. I try to do my best to, you know, a lot of people will, how do I explain this. All right. So you know how you have someone come up to you and they're like dumping on

you about their day. Right. And most people, even if they don't agree with the person dumping on them, like they could absolutely staunchly disagree with them, but they'll sit there and just take it and they'll nod their head. And it's like the, I guess it's like the courteous thing to do. Right. It's like, I'm being polite by listening to you spew your nonsense, even though I think it's like the courteous thing to do, right? It's like, I'm being polite by listening to you spew your nonsense, even though I think it's utter shit. Especially when it's someone like, you know,

they could have avoided the problem, right? They're the cause. So what I do, and I do this with everybody, whether it's my family, friends, or my kids, I start turning it around. I do it real deliberately. And I just start asking them questions, kind of redirecting them back towards their own interaction with it.

So if they're complaining about work, I'll ask probing questions. Like if you're complaining about somebody who interacts with them in a certain way at work, I'll say things like, oh, well, how did that make you feel? They'll keep on loading. Okay, well, could you have done anything different? And I'll start. It's not that I'm trying to judge. I'm not trying to do anything other than get them thinking about their own

kind of, I want them to be a little more self-aware, trying to get them to think consciously about, you know, and then really even stop to think whether I could have handled it differently. And it's not, I'm not doing it to be a jerk and I'm not doing it to be like, yeah, you're always wrong. But sometimes you, you know, I didn't really even stop to think whether I could have handled it differently. And it's not, I'm not doing it to be a jerk and I'm not doing it to be like, yeah, you're always wrong. But sometimes, you know, I don't want to take on their stress. I don't want to take on their negativity. And the way that I do it is just sort of like, hey, man, you know, you can spew and I'm a good listener and I'll let you send your bullshit this direction.

But once you're done and I've got a chance to hear it all out and I've let you go, you know, I'm going to start asking questions. I'm going to start breaking it down. And that's kind of, you know, it's one of the things I think that I've been blessed with in my life. You know, I'm pretty good at finding, you know, what people are, what their strengths are, what their weaknesses are. It's one of the reasons I do what I do now for a living, not just with the book, but in my, you know, corporate world. And I think that's sort of how I also protect myself from their negativity. And I am not perfect by the way, I got sucked into some nonsense today with a, you know, uh, an employee coworker situation. And,

and, um, you know, it had me heated for about 30 minutes and then I had to stop and I'm like, damn dude, I'm like, am I really mad? Or is this about someone else's bullshit? And I stopped and I thought about it and I was sitting, you know, sitting at the stop and I'm like, damn, dude, I'm like, am I really mad or is this about someone else's bullshit? And I stopped and I thought about it and I was sitting, you know, sitting at the desk and I'm like, man, like, this is not me. And then I, you know, kind of thought about the interaction and I realized, you know, this isn't, this isn't my deal. This person's clearly venting off her stuff. And, uh, and I got to recognize that.

And once I recognized that it made it incredibly easy, uh, to just let it go, like literally in the moment, let it go and move on and continue being productive. Yeah, that's a big challenge, at least for me, is the negative energy of other people and feeling like either I need to fix it or that somehow it's going to infect me or something. And I think your method there that you described is or something. And I think your, your, your method there that you describe is really, is really helpful. And, and I do really like a lot of throughout the book. And in this conversation, really, you keep coming back to, hey, you're just a, you're a regular guy, like everybody else. And you're not perfect. And I think that's in the, I'm not a fan of the word self help, but in the, you know, in the community

of people who are trying to improve themselves to some degree, right? The guru complex can be really damaging sometimes. And we've made an effort to get people on the show who don't really do that. And I think you're a great example of that. Thank you. I appreciate that. And I'm right there with you, you know, and I talked about it in the book and my mom, you know, mom's one of the most amazing, authentic people you'll ever meet, but even she painted herself into a corner, um, with her material. And, you know, I think it's been enough years now, she's starting to expand again and kind of get, allowing herself to be more creative. But for a decade, she got to a point where she couldn't be herself entirely because she you know she was a young person and she followed the same paths I think that a lot of people who are involved in this particular you know motivation or whatever

the hell we're calling it these days um my mom god bless her doesn't have a lot of skeletons and was able to just kind of she was always authentic but she didn't feel like she could allow her personality to fully shown so when I was actually putting the book together, my mom just kept telling me, Brendan, stay authentic, make your playing field as big as it possibly can. And I think that's true for anybody, you know, in any part of life. I think when you really show how big your personality can be, and you really show the different parts of yourself you get to a place

where your your authenticity and your sincerity allow you a bigger playing field to play on and what i mean by that is i can write about anything and i don't mean that like i'm the man and i got talent to do it i mean there's nothing i'm going to write in the second book that's going to offend you more than what i wrote in the first book. So I've already set the expectations. Like if you catch me coming out of a strip club on Saturday night, no one's taking pictures of me and going, Oh my God, Brandon Dillard likes naked women. Like, yeah, no shit. It's in the book. So my whole thing, my whole purpose on that is, you know, I wanted to be able to say, look like this, I'm a big, this is a big personality. I have a lot of life that I choose to experience. A lot of things I

like to do. I'm certainly not condoning like bad behavior, go out and do, you know, and tell everybody about it. But that being said, if you're participating in those behaviors, don't be full of shit. And that's kind of my shot at the guru complex. It's like, really dude? You know, and I took a shot at one guy and I actually, I think I ended up taking out a book or maybe I left it and I can't remember at this point. But I'm like, you're telling me that this particular guy doesn't get pissed off in traffic until, you know, give somebody the bird? Like, really? Like, I don't buy it. I don't, I don't even think that's the purpose of life is to get to a point where you're like, oh, I just cut off, got cut off. I'm just going to internalize that shit and be angry about it because I'm afraid to express myself. So that's kind of what I was going for. And I'm glad that that came across to you. Yeah, it definitely did. I think there's a real danger in, we tend to think that we're going to hit some state. If we do enough of this type of stuff, we're going to hit some state where happiness is a permanent condition or we're going to float on the clouds. And I think that's damaging because that never comes. And the people who are honest say, yes, you can get better. Your moods can be better. You can be happier more of the time. You can live a life that's purposeful and has meaning. But there's still going to be times that you're just in a lousy mood or you're going to be depressed or you're going to be angry. And I think that's the human condition. And I think the more we talk about that, the more helpful it is.

Man, I 100% agree with you. I'm like right there with you. And I think that to me, and maybe you'll agree because it's pretty much exactly what you're going to say, but the idea of self-help the way it's currently constructed or motivation or whatever the hell we're going to call it the idea right now it's set up almost the way that you remember how uh that all the cosmo magazine and 17 magazine and shit came under fire years ago because it was like you're setting up these unrealistic expectations for women of what beautiful is right and it was like you had these kids with eating disorders and shit because they're like looking at the covers

and magazines going oh my god i can't be that so i'm gonna starve myself and i'm not good enough blah blah blah i think it's the same thing in this the genre that my book happens to reside it's it's a bunch of books written by a bunch of people and not all of them but i would say a large majority that are written from the standpoint of if you do this this and this you can be just like me and my life is incredible which is bullshit like you know i think like me. And my life is incredible, which is bullshit. Like, you know, I think all of our lives are pretty damn incredible. You get to walk around, do the things that we do. I think that your life is only as amazing as you make it.

But the, you know, there's big money to be made in kind of preying on people's insecurity. And I think, unfortunately, that's what happened. That's what's happened every day. And so with my book, all I wanted to do, I wanted you to come across like, man, I'm your friend. And that's the God honest truth. This is the conversation you're going to have over a beer, you know, a happy hour.

This is the conversation you're going to have with your best girlfriend, you know, hanging out, eating ice cream and watching a movie on a Saturday night. Like I didn't, I, the last thing I would ever want anyone to accuse me of is being full of shit. I might be wrong, and I'm okay with that. I can live with wrong, but being full of shit is something I just couldn't stomach.

Yeah, I think there's, I think there's a lot of authenticity there. So I think we're kind of ending, nearing the end of the interview here. Do you have any last things you want to leave us with to kind of close up? You know, the one thing I do, the first thing I want to just say briefly is thank you to anybody and everybody who's read the book. It is beyond humbling and surreal, the response it's gotten so far. It's been incredible. You know, the feedback,

the comments and the rankings and stuff like this on Amazon, the ratings and all that fun stuff. It's really, it's a trip. And I just wanted to say thank you to the readers and anybody who's really able to take anything positive from the book and just thank you

for supporting it. Well, I think that covers everything. Brendan, thanks very much for joining us on the show. It was an enjoyable conversation. Thank you, Eric. I really appreciate you guys having me on. Yeah. Okay.

Thanks. Take care. All right, man. Bye. Bye. You can learn more about Brendan Dilley and this podcast at oneufeed.net slash Brendan Dilley. And you know, since you're going to go get on your computer anyway and do that, we'd really like you to go to oneufeed.net and email us and let us know what was your favorite episode of The One You Feed so far.

Thanks.