The One You Feed - Danielle Laporte: Has your self-help become self-criticism?

Episode Date: September 12, 2017

Danielle LaPorte is all about being honest when it comes to her experiences on the path to self-improvement, self-growth, and self-empowerment. In this interview, she shares so much of herself that you will remark how brave, vulnerable and real she is and how much you can relate to what she's felt, thought and been through. If you've ever struggled with feeling overwhelmed by the obligations in your life or if walking on a spiritual path has felt like another item on an ever-growing checklist, then this episode is a must listen for you.   This week we talk to Danielle Laporte Danielle LaPorte is an invited member of Oprah’s inaugural SuperSoul 100, a group who, in Oprah Winfrey’s words, “is uniquely connecting the world together with a spiritual energy that matters.” She is also the author of The Fire Starters Sessions: A Guide to Creating Success On Your Own Terms, and The Desire Map: A Guide to Creating Goals With Soul. Her latest book is White Hot Truth: Clarity for keeping it Real On Your Spiritual Path— From One Seeker To Another. Millions of visitors go to DanielleLaPorte.com every month for her daily #Truthbombs. It has been named one of the “Top 100 Websites for Women” by Forbes, and called “the best place online for kick-ass spirituality.” Danielle’s multi-million dollar company is made up of nine women and one lucky guy, working virtually from five countries. A powerful speaker and poet, and a former business strategist and Washington, DC think-tank exec, Entrepreneur magazine calls Danielle “equal parts poet and entrepreneurial badass…edgy, contrarian…loving and inspired.   In This Interview, Danielle Laporte and I Discuss... The Wolf Parable Her book,White Hot Truth: Clarity for keeping it Real On Your Spiritual Path— From One Seeker To Another Reframing your obligations into conscious choices Bringing our artistic or creative spirit into everything we do Loosening up under the weight of obligation Spiritual path as yet another thing to achieve, another obligation The practice itself having some delight to it Pain as a motivator, laziness as an obstacle That devotion isn't easy but it's worth it The distinction between pain and suffering That the world is not comprehensible but it is embraceable by embracing the things that are in it Transformation begins with the acceptance of what is Short circuiting the healing process That what's repressed finds a way to sneak out How we have more in common than we have differences     Please Support The Show with a DonationSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I think we do have more in common than we have differences, and when we realize that, there's significantly less conflict. Welcome to The One You Feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts we have. Quotes like, garbage in, garbage out, or you are what you think ring true. And yet for many of us, our thoughts don't strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don't have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it's not just about thinking. Our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort

to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their good wolf. Hey, y'all. I'm Dr. Joy Harden-Bradford, host of Therapy for Black Girls. This January, join me for our third annual January Jumpstart series. Starting January 1st, we'll have inspiring conversations to give you a hand in kickstarting your personal growth.

If you've been holding back or playing small, this is your all-access pass to step fully we'll have inspiring conversations to give you a hand in kick-starting your personal growth. If you've been holding back or playing small, this is your all-access pass to step fully into the possibilities of the new year. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls starting on January 1st on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Thanks for joining us. Our guest on this episode is Danielle Laporte, a speaker, poet, painter, and former business strategist and Washington, D.C. think tank executive. Danielle is also an invited member of Oprah Winfrey's Super Soul 100. She is the author of many books, including her new one, White Hot Truth, Clarity for Keeping It Real on your spiritual path from one seeker to another. If you're getting value out of this show, please go to oneyoufeed.net support and make a donation.

This will ensure that all 185 episodes that are in the archive will remain free and that the show is here for other people who need it. Some other ways that you can support us is if you're interested in the book that we're discussing on today's episode, go to one you feed.net and find the episode that we're talking about. There will be links to all of the author's books. And if you buy them through there, it's the same price to you, but we get a small amount. Also, you can go to one you feed.net slash book. And I have a reading list there. One you feed..net slash shop. And you can buy t-shirts, mugs, and other things. And finally, OneYouFeed.net slash Facebook, which is where our Facebook group is. And you can interact with other listeners of the show and get support in feeding your good wolf. Thanks again for listening. And here's the interview with Danielle Laporte.

Hi, Danielle. Welcome to the show. Hi, everybody. I'm very happy to have you on as we were talking about before we got started. I recorded an interview with you. It was quite some time ago and was the first time I ever tried to record an interview without Chris, my partner, with me. And I blew it. And so we've never been able to air it. So I'm very excited to have you back and get to have this conversation again. I didn't know it was the first time you tried to record it solo.

Here we are. Yeah, I happen to be out of town, and I've got it all down now. I've got it figured out, but I didn't then. So learn as you go. So your latest book is called White Hot Truth, Clarity for Keeping It Real on Your Spiritual Path from One Seeker to Another. And we'll get into that book in just a minute, but let's start like we normally do with a parable. There's a grandfather who's talking with his grandson. He says, in life, there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle.

One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love. And the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandson stops and he thinks about it for a second and he looks up at his grandfather and he says, Well, grandfather, which one wins? And the grandfather says, the one you feed. So I'd like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do. I love that parable. Always choose. I think, you know, the most important word in all of this is choose. But always choose generosity. I feed my capacity to be generous. To be generous.

Yeah, there's a line that's in your book, and it was in one of your previous books, too. You've got this idea of, in the latest book you call it, reframing your obligations into conscious choices. Mm-hmm. Can you talk about that? is that the kind of robotic unconscious way of living have a really long list of obligations all these things that we think we need to do. And in that approach, there's a lack of choice. There's a woo, so woe is me. There's a, you know, life is happening to you. And I don't think it happens that way at all. Or you can choose. You can choose that other, that positive wealth doesn't happen to happen that way. doesn't happen to happen that way. So to push most people's thinking on this, the pushback would be, well, what about feeding my kids? That's an obligation. What about taking care of my ailing, aging parents? That's an obligation. What about my mortgage? I got to pay my mortgage.

You actually don't have to do any of those things. You could choose to be unethical. You could choose to be careless. You could choose to be lawless. But you're still making a conscious choice to be a good son or daughter and a loving parent and a responsible mortgage holder. So when you frame everything as a choice, you're empowered. It's a completely different energetic approach to things. Yeah, I agree a hundred percent. And I have that same kind of conversation with myself and with other people, which is like, no, you don't have to do that thing that you just said you have to do. I mean, you, you don't, you could get on a bus tomorrow and hide in California and live on the streets if you wanted to, like, you've got lots of options. And whenever I remember that, it is so helpful to me to get me out of that, like you said, the woe is me or I have to do this, I have to do that. It just, it opens me up so much

to realizing that I am, you know, the author of my own life to some degree. And I heard you somewhere recently, and I don't know where I heard it, but you were making this list of all the things in our lives we choose. We choose what we eat for dinner. We choose what dishes we put in our cabinet. We choose what, you know, what art goes on our walls or on our desk and, and that how we are making so many choices in life and that being artistic and creative is really about making choices. And we can bring that artistic or creative spirit into everything that we do. You know what I think is really key about what you said about the choices and the obligations is there's a lot of different choices that we can make. So when you move out of that, the weight, I mean, even saying the word obligation, it's just such a heavy crap word.

You know, when you move out of the weight of that and you're still feeling resentment, I mean, there's lots of stuff to resent. There's lots of stuff that is not fun to do in life that you're still choosing to do. You can start to make different choices under that commitment you're making. So it's like, yeah, I'm taking care of my aging parents and it's heavy duty. But if know, if I move more into the power of choice, then maybe I could get someone to take a shift for me. Maybe I could ask for some of my inheritance money now to cover the bills. Maybe, you know what, maybe they don't need as much attention and care as I thought. And I'm just doing this out of guilt. And I can lay off and I

can have a vacation. So there's this loosening when you loosen up on the weight of obligation, then your creativity starts to flow. It gets lighter. Exactly. So I want to circle back. This leads us right into one of the topics I had, which was, you know, a theme early in the book, and really through a lot of the book, you say that my spiritual path had become another to do list. So in the book, and really through a lot of the book, you say that my spiritual path had become another to-do list. So in this case, we were just talking about obligations, and a lot of us turn the spiritual path into yet another obligation. Well, I think in this case, it's more about it being another thing to achieve,

so then it becomes an obligation. I'm going to be a better person. I'm going to be more giving. I'm going to be in better shape. I'm going to be more healthy. I'm going to be more evolved. I'm going to think more clearly. And with that achievement intention, then there's so many things you can put on your to-do list. It's another workshop. It's having to meditate. It's having to pray. It's a new new wellness regime it's all sorts of to-dos and i mean to-dos are great if they're getting you somewhere that's more fulfilling if you like you're really feeling expanded and ideally you know your to-s are awesome. They go from good to great. If you're experiencing some joy on the way to expanding, it's like there's many times, there's many parts of my quote unquote

spiritual practice that aren't easy and they require some discipline. And I meditate on a regular basis and it's not always fun working my day around that. I have to get up earlier. I got to make my kids lunch at night so I can have my 15 minutes or my half an hour, whatever it is in the morning to sit and do my thing. I still struggle with feeling like I'm not up to my commitment as a planetary citizen if I didn't sit that morning and send some light to the world or pray for victims of the hurricane or do whatever I think I need to do that day. I don't feel like anybody's keeping score anymore. I'm free to choose the practice that works for me. And that's what's changed for me. It's like I am choosing joy-inducing practices. The yoga that works for me. It's not

the hardcore hot yoga. It's really chill stuff. The exercise that works for me. It doesn't have to be every day a week. Just three days a week is cool. The kind of meditation that works for me. It doesn't have to be every day a week. Just three days a week is cool. The kind of meditation that works for me. It turns out I go out of my mind if I sit for long periods of time and watch my in-breath and watch my out-breath and try to empty my mind. It's not how I'm wired. I choose something that fits my personality, that fills me up. It's a big difference. Way more fulfilling to be devoted when the practice itself has some delight to it. One of the central themes of this show that I'm asking all the time is that, like, how do we balance that idea of, you know, I'd like to be a better person. I'd like to do this. I'd like to do that. You know, having some ambition and also being content right where you are with what you have.

And I'm just interested in your thoughts on how you how you work through striking that balance. Well, I think you have to ask yourself the question, why do you want to be a better person? It sounds ironic and a bit banal, but why? Is it to impress your God? Is it to make more money? Is it some guilt programming that you got from your parents or your church? Is it part of being cool and your self-help in your new age circle? Are you really just polishing your halo? I've always loved that phrase. Or do you feel better when you're a better person? Do you feel more expanded and more loving and sexier and more flexible and more intelligent

and more in touch with life and your version of God when you're doing your version of being a better person. So like two very different motivations. Yeah, I agree. And I think for me, all that stuff has gotten to a point where I do most of it simply as a way to feel better. It does make me feel better. I mean, exercise, I say this on the show all the time. I'm sure people are perhaps tired of hearing it, but it's not about how I look anymore. That's a side benefit. It's not so much that I'll die in 20 years versus 15. It's really like for my day-to-day mental health and meditation kind of falls into the same boat and eating right falls into the same boat. They're all things that relieve suffering in my life.

Relieve suffering and creates joy at the same time. Like it's, there's a tipping point. There's a tipping point, I think, if you do it for the right reasons. Yeah. Right. Here's a question I've got for you, because a lot of us are driven to spiritual practice and things like meditation and yoga and eating well and all those different things because we are in pain. That's where a lot of this starts. And what I've seen with a lot of people is that once the pain goes away, so does the desire to do some of these things. How have you worked with people through that? You know, once they kind of have moved from being in pain and not sort of settling back into, that, you know, once they kind of have moved from being in pain and not sort of settling back into,

okay, everything's okay now? Well, I think everybody does that to some degree. You're going to slip off track and getting off track is part of deepening your devotion. It's like, oh, I didn't meditate this week. I don't feel as useful. I'm not thinking as clearly. Okay, I'm going to at least get three days in this week or five days or whatever. So I have a lot more compassion for myself when I get off track. I think, you know, what you're talking about can be laziness. Like sometimes we just need to call ourselves on it. Like, you know, my current question right now, I'm about to do big speaking gig this weekend to people who, you know, my current question right now, I'm about to do a big speaking gig this weekend to people who, you know, they self-identify as like high achievers.

And I really want to put it to them and say like, really, come on, how devoted are we? Because personally, I'm really interested in going the distance. I think it's not enough to kind of be on the self-help path or to kind of be kind like with the current state of the world and the psychology for for most of us i mean personally as someone who considers himself um it's not enough for me to just be a good person i have to be engaged it's not enough for me to just donate a little bit of money here and there i've got to bake philanthropy into my business model it's not enough for me to just donate a little bit of money here and there. I've got to bake philanthropy into my business model. It's not enough for me to just quietly meditate. I need to be vocal about what I think is ideal, you know, an ideal society to live in. Like I got to go the distance.

So we take a few steps forward with our practice. We eat right. And then we go back to sleep. with our practice, we eat right, and then we go back to sleep. You know, commit, commit. I think that's like where some tough love comes in. Are you in or not? And let me tell you, devotion is not easy, but it's worth it. And it's just like, you know, your relationship with spirit, it's not a cakewalk. And this is part of, it's like your relationship with anything, any person, the rough parts requires commitment and seeing it through and being flexible.

And I think this is part of the dogma, the bill of goods that we've been getting for a long time from the new age, which is once you're on the path and you learn how to follow your intuition and you really realize that you're one with humanity, then there's this grace and there's this flow that comes into your life. Well, I can tell you I'm on the path. I'm very devoted to the path. I'm devoted to teaching about the path. And that has not been my experience. There is a lot of grind. I still have extreme stuff. You know, well, extreme is an extreme way of putting it, but I still suffer very deeply.

I still have intense struggles in my life, but I'm not going to get off the path because I have deeper love. I have deeper fulfillment. Easy? No. Worth it? Yes. Hey, y'all. I'm Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, host of Therapy for Black Girls. And I'm thrilled to invite you to our January Jumpstart series for the third year running. All January, I'll be joined by inspiring guests who will help you kickstart your personal growth with actionable ideas and real conversations. We're talking about topics like building community and creating an inner and outer glow.

I always tell people that when you buy a handbag, it doesn't cover a childhood scar. You know, when you buy a jacket, it doesn't reaffirm what you love about the hair you were told not to love. So when I think about beauty, it's so emotional because it starts to go back into the archives of who we were, how we want to see ourselves, and who we know ourselves to be, and who we can be. So a little bit of past past, present, and future all in one idea, soothing something from the past. And it doesn't have to be always an insecurity. It can be something that you love. All to help you start 2025

feeling empowered and ready. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls starting on January 1st on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really Know Really podcast,

our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts?

His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all.

Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really No Really. Yeah, really. No really. Go to reallynoreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead.

It's called Really No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And here's the rest of the interview with Danielle Laporte. I think we are all looking for that silver bullet, and then suddenly life will just be easy. Like, I'll find the right way to meditate, I'll read the right book or I'll follow this correct practice or I'll find this new exercise and suddenly life will always be easy. And that's just not the way it works. You used a word in there, suffering, and in your book, you talk about

making a distinction between pain and suffering. This is a bit of an extreme statement, but it's really worth considering for like mental clarity. I think that often suffering is a bit of an extreme statement, but it's really worth considering for like mental clarity. I think that often suffering is a choice. You know, suffering is optional. Pain, not always optional. So it's like a physical example. You break a bone, you feel pain. It's inevitable. The suffering is what comes after. Like, you know. It's a drag that you can't walk. It's a drag that you have to take the medicine, whatever, you're incapacitated. You go through a breakup. The pain is the breakup itself, separation. The suffering is how long are you going to hold on? How bitter are you going to be? How long does it take you to get over it?

Are you choosing to forgive or you're not choosing to forgive? I mean, I got lots to say about not choosing to forgive and why sometimes that's actually an enlightened approach. So, yeah, I think suffering is something that you have control over, that a lot of us have control over. And I don't want to broad brush stroke this and say, you know, someone who's in Syria right now has no choice over their suffering. That's an extreme situation. And no, you know, self-help, how-to is going to help you get through that necessarily. I agree with you a hundred percent that the pain is happens. Life delivers pain. It's just, it's a, it's a very effective pain delivery mechanism. I suppose you could say, but it is kind of, what are the stories we tell ourselves? And a lot of times for me,

I've started just thinking about it from a perspective of how do I just not make it worse? Like life has given me this thing. How can I just not pile on more pain with everything I'm telling myself? You know, I, I tell the parable of the second arrow all the time, you know, how the first arrow is kind of that life you get shot, the pain you get. And then the second arrow is everything we add on top of it. And it's, it's so true. And then, you know, there comes the third arrow, which is I'm feeling bad about myself because I'm not able to not

suffer over it. And on and on it goes. Lightening up can help a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Not Alan Watts says there will always be suffering. The trick is to not suffer over the suffering to stay out of that. Why me? It's just like, this is what's happening. Sometimes you don't even need to solve it. It doesn't need to be your karma. You don't even have to look at why you created it. Just do what you have to do to not make it worse and get through it. Yeah. Yep. Speaking of other great minds, you quote Martin Buber in the book with a, I'm assuming, I think that's how you say it. But I love this phrase and it says, the world is not comprehensible, but it is embraceable.

Yeah. Isn't that great? He's so lovely. Yeah. Yeah. What's that mean to you? You got to leave lots of room for mystery. You know, our human capacities, and I put that in quotes because, you know, I think we're spiritual beings who have crammed ourselves into these little suitcases called bodies and made a lot of choices to forget our divinity in order to have these experiences. So are we capable of comprehending the greatness of life and how it all works? No. I think, you know, when you get to a certain point of comprehension, you don't need to, you

definitely do not need to be on this dimension anymore. But you can really be intentionally on this ride. Like, you know, a lot of my friends and I this past week have been talking about all the suffering that's happening on the planet. And, you know, we're really having practical conversations. I'm about to have some friends over for dinner in the next couple of weeks, talk about earthquake preparedness. We're really feeling heartbroken over what's happening politically with immigration and children in the U.S. and like, what can we do? And can I produce more meditations that go up on my website? How would I raise my money? You know, And when I really go down that rabbit hole of where the world is at, at least the dark side of it, I worry about my grandchildren. I worry about my kid. I

have a son. And is he going to be able to breathe clean air? I mean, there's so many different directions it could go in, and in terms of bad bad direction here's what's getting my friends and i through right now we just go we signed up for this we chose to be born to incarnate at this time i've got something to learn and if i don't have much to learn which i think you know is unlikely uh at least i've got a lot to offer and i'm here i'm here now in this time of history human history for a reason so i'm going to embrace it i'm going to embrace it and on the quote-unquote spiritual path which i think too often is about ascension i'm going to embrace being human i'm going to love food i'm going to love all the sensual things that come with being human

from food to rock and roll to like, you know, great holidays. Amen. And I'm going to do my esoteric work at the same time. I mean, I'm really interested in heaven on earth, you know? Well, I looked up that quote after I read it in your book and it goes on to say it's embraceable by embracing the things that are in it you know by embracing the things in the world is is how it becomes embraceable to us and i just i loved that when i read it and i think it gets to what you were just saying it's about being here to to what's actually in the world trying to figure it out is nearly impossible but we can certainly engage with it in a real and meaningful way. Well, you went deeper with it than I did.

Thank you. One of your favorite quotes I've ever seen of yours, and I won't get it right, but it says something to say something along the lines of lying on the floor and listening to loud rock and roll may be the only therapy you need. It usually is. on the floor and listening to loud rock and roll may be the only therapy you need and it usually is and you know yeah my recommendation is to listen to um jim morrison's american prayer that was like the first time i just used music as there i just like in the dark and he's in a studio totally wasted, just reciting his poetry shortly before he died. And then the remaining doors, the band took those tracks and put it to music.

Anyway, you got to do it. Yeah, well, my partner Chris here is giving you the thumbs up sign for that. Sure, for sure. giving you the thumbs up sign for that one, for sure. So yeah, no, I am a strong believer that music is definitely healing in so many different ways. I would be lost without it, I think. Yeah, me too. Me too. You call something the sacred paradox, and you say transformation begins with the radical acceptance of what is. Yes. And you know what? That is some of Krishnamurti's thinking.

And mine. I'll give myself a little bit of credit for that. Where you can't really see something until you fully accept it. And I think what a lot of us do to try and get out of pain, like completely understandable response to pain, is we go in denial that it's not happening like

this job doesn't suck this marriage isn't shitty and we just keep trucking along or we go into solution mode of you know we see that something's something like how are we going to get out of this how can i come up with the money i don't see a way through we can't solve it just stop just stop and accept that it's happening as awful as whatever it is is and then usually with that presence and that absence of being frantic then you can take a really clear next step you can make you know the next right decision, as Oprah puts it, and that's my favorite phrase of hers right now, or the next best decision. And it's really hard to do because you have to suspend wanting to fix it. And you have to just be in it, not knowing how

you're going to get out of it. Like, you know, this marriage is brutal. Pause. And then you figure out what you're going to do about it. Yeah, I love that Oprah phrase. I've been in 12-step recovery, and I think the phrase I heard was very early on was just do the next right thing. And that was so helpful in just like one foot in front of the other, what's the next right thing to do right now? And you keep doing enough of those and you end up with good things happening. Also in the book, you talk about painting over pain with premature positivity and short circuiting the healing process, which is what you were just talking about. And you've got a phrase that I love. I think a lot of people have heard the phrase spiritual bypass, but you've got a great phrase where you talk about putting spiritual sweetener on it.

Well, spiritual bypassing, you know, I hope that this concept like really rises to the front of the self-help space. I mean, this is really what the White Hot Truth book is about. It's things like something negative happened to me. The shitty thing went down. But you know what? I'm so grateful that this happened because I should be grateful. Shouldn't I be grateful? That's a spiritual new age enlightened thing to do. And I learned so much from this. All that may be true, but before we get there, it'd be a really good idea if we felt maybe angry, if we felt disappointed, despair, pissed off, you know, just all of those really human justifiable things, because that's what's real.

And when we skip over those real human emotions and then move straight to the you know the more quote-unquote spiritual approach that stuff just festers and what happens is you know the same person who pissed you off a year ago you know a year after you've been repressing it then you have some fantastic passive-aggressive interaction with them and they're just like where is this coming from and you realize you've actually secretly been holding your grudge against them for quite a long time. Or it comes out in other ways. I mean, what's repressed? We'll find a way to sneak out. Also, if we're not feeling our anger, it disables us from creating justice and creating change. It's like, there's a lot of reasons to be very angry about things that are happening in our political system.

And that anger is clarifying. That anger, you know, helps you stand up straight and use your voice and create change. And there are many occasions where it's just not the time to say, well, you know, this is karma unfolding. We're all learning something. That's bullshit passivity. hey y'all i'm dr joy harnon bradford host of therapy for black girls and i'm thrilled to invite you to our january jumpstart series for the third year running. All January, I'll be joined by inspiring guests who will help you kickstart your personal growth with actionable ideas and real conversations. We're talking about topics like building community and creating an inner and outer glow. I always tell people that

when you buy a handbag, it doesn't cover a childhood scar. You know, when you buy a jacket, it doesn't reaffirm what you love about the hair you were told not to love. So when I think about beauty, it's so emotional because it starts to go back into the archives of who we were, how we want to see ourselves, and who we know ourselves to be and who we can be. So a little bit of past, present, and future, all in one idea, soothing something from the past. And it doesn't have to be always an insecurity. It could be something that you love. All to help you start 2025 feeling empowered and ready. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls starting on January 1st on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

I agree with you that what we repress ends up showing up. And it's funny you were mentioning anger and passive aggressiveness. And I was just thinking about that earlier today. I was looking at a situation in some of the other work that I do. And I was like, I'm being passive aggressive to that person because I've not said what I'm frustrated about. And I was all of a sudden like, oh, yeah. And that's not, that's not a good, that's not being a good leader. Anger is the one that I struggle with. I've gotten pretty good at being sad and allowing sadness to occur and, and flow through me and, and not afraid

of that. But I think anger is the one for me. How about you? Is there one that you still are more inclined to run from? That's a great question. I think mine is disappointment. And instead of just like being with the disappointment, like I got let down, I let myself down. That's where I'll spiritual bypass it. I'll just be like, well, everybody's trying their best and I'm so capable. I can do it. I'll take care of it. And I shouldn't have asked for that much or I should have tried harder. And it's really not cool as a leader. I mean, just to like get deeper into that for me, it's a personality thing. It's an Enneagram thing. So like on the Enneagram, I'm four. You don't even need to know how the Enneagram works. But what I'll tell you is that my weakness is that I'll just do it myself.

It's actually not a strength. And so when I'm disappointed, that's the default I go into. I'll just do it myself. And that's not cool. Because then I get, well, I get overworked. And it also doesn't allow people to rise to, to improve, rise to the occasion. Then this is part of the spiritual bypass. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. As much of a take no shit kind of person that I am. I'm just like, well, you know,

and I'm way better, way better in the last two years at it than I used to be. I used to let things just go completely. And now I'm just like, you know what? Sorry, you got to redo it. Yep. Well, I'm a nine on the Enneagram. So I think that's peacemaker. So I wrestle with the same challenge and I get better at it when I'm really focused on it. And I guess this goes back to what I was saying earlier. I get, I focus on it, I get better. And then I sort of slide back into my old habits again. And, and then I, express anger. You might, you might evolve to the point where you're like, I'm okay feeling it, but to actually confront somebody, it's really, I feel your pain. I have a friend, one of my best friends is a nine and I'm just like,

you know, sweetheart, you just tell me, tell me what you would tell him. She's like, and she gets it. I'm like, okay, now just give him 10% of that and you will be making progress forward. Yeah. Chris just said, should I send her a picture of the black eye I gave him last week as if I got mad enough to hit him? No, that I, I can't imagine what he could possibly ever do that would provoke me to, to that. But yeah. And as a nine, as a peacemaker, I keep trying to remind myself that not saying what's going on and just stuffing it is not making peace. It seems like it, but in a deeper sense, it's just not. And I've learned that often enough in life that you'd think I'd have it by now,

but I keep learning it. Yeah, well, I mean, we're all just, it's all a big repeat. But I, you know, one thing that might be helpful, Can I just give you some therapy for a second? Please. It's more creative to speak it. I mean, I think you can totally identify, like you want to create your reality. You want to be an intentional, a deliberate creator. And if you can express your anger, you're making an awesome life. You're creating more precisely. Yeah. Yeah. I think that is great feedback.

A lot of what I wrestle with, and you had a line in your book about this, which was, you know, if your heart is just genuinely, you're sort of that easygoing and good-natured, that's great. Versus if you're repressing all that stuff, or you're not saying all that stuff because of you're afraid, or you don't want to cause conflict. And, and I sometimes don't know that I can tell anymore. Right. Because I am fairly laid back about stuff. Like I'm kind of like, well, okay, whatever. But I don't know how much of that is sort of the unconscious habit over all these years of being that way. And so I'm really trying to look more closely at like,

what's going on underneath the surface. My initial reaction is to say, oh, everything's fine. But what's really happening underneath that and, and recognize, and I usually can tell, like I said, because I started to become slightly passive aggressive without really even knowing it. I just noticed that I'm irritated with the person. And then I'm like, why am I irritated with the person? I'm like, oh, because that thing that they did that I didn't think mattered two weeks ago, you know, blah, blah, blah. So. For me, my body always knows when I'm angry. I mean, there's lots of reasons I could get angry, but when I'm in that mode of like, well, okay, that's healthy. But if I feel that fire and I don't express it somehow, then I pay. I pay for it.

Yep. Well, it's that idea of how for most of us, our best trait can also be our biggest weakness if we don't deal with it right. Yep. that you had in the book, and I really liked it, was you said that the more you can expose yourself to conflicting dogmas, the better off you are. And that seems to be something that a lot of people in the world today are simply not willing to do, is to explore anyone else's perspective on things. So why does that help us? Because I think we do have more in common than we have differences. And when we realize that, there's significantly less conflict. That's how you become a more loving person.

Being able to entertain other perspectives helps. I mean, it helps you see what you're dealing with. It's good to know who else is on the planet and to know the extent of it. There's a lot of density and there's a lot of darkness and there's a lot of hatred. It's good to know that. And also to know that the light and the love and the humanity that is living next door to you and teaching your kids and running your communities. So there's that. There's just like general awareness and just expand expanding your perspective expansion is always better than constriction

i think the healing is there in that dialogue i've been talking a bit about and thinking a lot about this over the last you know the summer basically last couple months i don't know when this is going to air but you know with a lot of strife that's happening in terms of racism and immigration and and i mean mostly in the u.s but we certainly have our problems in canada as well and i'm thinking about what would the effect be if i had some one-on-one conversations with people who identified as being racist and what would the effect be if I had some one-on-one conversations with people who identified as being racist and what would happen if we had town hall meetings and really sought to understand each other. And I think we'd find out that a lot of people who spew hatred are deeply wounded.

Doesn't mean there shouldn't be justice doesn't doesn't justify it at all right but it helps us understand because what i'm seeing is you know i'm not quite comfortable with the kind of protesting that's happening right now like i'm about to go uh to the women's march i'm not going to be comfortable marching and screaming. That's not who I am. So my way of protesting is, well, it's more peaceful. Yeah, I agree 100%. I am very concerned about a lot of the politics that we see and what's happening.

I'm almost equally as concerned by how we are treating each other. equally as concerned by how we are treating each other. You reference Parker J. Palmer in your book, and he's got so many wise things to say on this topic that I just think he's got so many great ideas. Yeah, he's brilliant. And he, I mean, talk about somebody who's faced their suffering. He's amazing.

Yep, yep. Well, Danielle, thank you so much for taking the time to come on. The book, as I said, was called White Hot Truth. And I really enjoyed reading it. I like reading all of your stuff. And I appreciate you being willing to come on yet another time. say, you know, I've done a lot of, I've had a lot of conversations about this book and you really got the subtle stuff. So this was like a total pleasure. I'm really grateful. Thank you. Thank you. Take care. You too. Okay. Bye.

If what you just heard was helpful to you, please consider making a donation to the One You Feed podcast. Head over to oneyoufeed.net slash support.